Listverse

Top 10 Scariest Filipino Monsters

2009-11-19T22:07:12Z

I mentioned in a comment in 15 Bogeymen from Around the World that a list could easily be made of just Filipino monsters and mythological creatures. Time to put my money where my mouth is (or rather put my fingers where my keyboard is) and submit this list! Here are, ten of the most scary and unusual monsters in Filipino mythology.

Aswang

The aswang is probably the most common of Filipino monsters since there are so many different kinds. In general, they are shape shifters who are human by day and then at night turn into a dog, a pig, a bat, cat, snake… the type of animal depends on the regional lore. They break into funeral homes and steal recent corpses. They are also known to enter homes to drink human blood and can turn people into aswang by tricking the human to bite them in return. The aswang are especially hungry for human fetus so some of the more superstitious stories include neighborhoods patrols set up in front of the home of a pregnant woman to protect her from wandering stray animals in case they are the aswang in disguise.

Matruculan

The Matruculan is one of many Filipino creatures who attack pregnant women. This particular creature first impregnates a virgin before coming back later to kill the woman and eat the fetus (although some stories say that both mom and baby are eaten). Some stories claim that the woman is not a virgin but rather married and already pregnant. To protect the mother and child, the husband must swing a balisong (pictured above), or butterfly knife, above the woman’s belly while she is in labor. This leads one to wonder: which is scarier, an invisible mythological creature, or the father of your unborn child brandishing a knife above your abdomen?

Kapre

These are hairy giants with glowing eyes and a cigar that never burns out. They can usually be found sitting atop of trees waiting for nightfall to scare naughty children who are outside of their homes late at night. The Kapre is a unique Filipino monster because he doesn’t steal fetuses, eat people or cut them up. The Kapre simply enjoys scaring children… and I suppose laughing at them for being scared. Some stories claim they are actually very friendly beings who can grant wishes if you find their magical white stone. One can assume a Kapre is nearby when trees sway while there is no breeze or you see faint smoke from high above, probably from the Kapre‘s cigar..

Duwende

These are tiny human-like creatures that live underground. There are two main types of Duwende: the duwende puti who are supposedly kind creatures who bring about good luck, or the duwende itim who are mean folk that like to play pranks on humans. They generally keep to themselves and only interact with humans when their homes are disturbed. For example, a kindly farmer who takes care of his plot may be rewarded by the duwende puti with a greater abundance of crops than usual. However, someone who kicks an anthill on or near the home of a duwendi itim will be punished with a myriad of ailments from twisted mouth to swollen testicles. The best way to avoid Duwende of any kind is to say “Tabi-tabi po” aloud before entering what might be their space.

Tiyanak

The tiyanak is similar to the Greek mythological siren in that it lures its prey with its voice. A person hears a baby cry from deep in the woods and then follows the sound to rescue the baby. Some stories say the person wanders aimlessly in search for the baby and becomes hopelessly lost. Other stories claim that the person eventually finds a baby in the middle of the woods. When it is picked up, the baby then shape-shifts into a monster with large, sharp teeth. It then eats the person and transforms back to a baby to await its next victim. With either version, the story ends with “… and he was never found again.”

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Sigbin

Depending on region and storyteller, the sigbin resembles either a hornless goat, a reptilian crow, or something vaguely along the lines of the Chupacabra. What is most common with all accounts is that its head hangs between its forelegs which are much shorter than its hindlegs. Whether because of physiology or because it makes the sigbin seem scarier, it is also known to crabwalk backwards. The sigbin also has a long whip-like tail that emit’s a foul stench and two grasshopper-like legs on its neck that enable it to jump far distances. They wander around at night in search of children to devour but they keep the hearts to make amulets. Most stories and sightings originate from the Cebu region. However, although it is some distance away, in 2005 scientists in Borneo discovered a “cat-fox-like carnivore” with hind legs longer than forelegs giving it an awkward gait and physical appearance that somewhat fits many of the descriptions of the sigbin (e.g. long tail, short forearms, can jump far distances, carnivorous). No conclusive evidence has been found yet to link the two together. [Image Source]

Tikbalang

The tikbalang is described as having the head of a horse, the body of a man and the hooves of a horse where human feet would be. In northern regions, the tikbalang is considered a nuisance but generally harmless. They enjoy disorienting weary travelers and making them imagine things that don’t exist. Travelers can easily stop the pranks by turning their own shirt inside out and asking the tikbalang to stop bothering them. The stories of tikbalang from southern regions paint the creature as a much more sinister monster. He has glowing red eyes, a large cigar and smells of the stench of burning hair. When angered (and he angers easily), the tikbalang will stamp you to death. To tame the beast, the person must pluck the one of three unusually long hairs found in its mane. After that, the tikbalang is your slave. Folklore states that when the sun shines through the clouds while it is raining, a pair of Tikbalang are getting married.

Kumakatok

In the middle of the night, a knock will sound at the door and outside are three hooded figures, one a pretty, young woman and two elderly men. There are no stories of how the group was formed or where they originated but tales about them have popped up all over the Philippines and with more frequency around the time of outbreaks. Legend has it that a visit from them is an omen that someone in the family will soon die. There are no paintings or hangings that can keep them at bay. Leaving the door unanswered does not help either. They simply knock and leave and then someone would still die shortly thereafter.

The White Lady / Kaperosa

The White Lady is a specific kind of Multo, or ghost. Most multo tend to be family members who come back to certain relatives to take care of unfinished business but the White Lady is unique in that she doesn’t appear to only her relatives or even to specific people she knew when alive. Many sightings have reported her in empty buildings, near forests and on cliffs. However, she is most commonly reported seen along Balete Drive in Quezon City. She was a young lady who was raped and killed by two Japanese soldiers during WWII. While there haven’t been stories of the White Lady being a purposefully malicious being, she has been the reported as the cause of more than a few car accidents by drivers who look in their rearview mirror and see a young lady in the backseat wearing a white dress. Sure, some strange, unknown lady sitting in your backseat is bad enough but the White Lady is also said to have no face or a face covered in blood.

Manananggal

The Manananggal is sometimes considered to be a special breed of the aswangs. They are sometimes referred to as “Tik-tik” because of the sound it makes while in flight. To confuse its victims, the tik-tik sound becomes fainter as she nears. These creatures generally take on the form of a beautiful woman with large, leathery bat wings. The lower half of her body takes root to the ground while the upper part detaches as she flies in search of food. The manananggal has a taste for human blood and a particular craving for the hearts of human fetuses which it retrieves with its long, proboscis-like tongue. Like the Western culture’s vampire, the manananggals hate garlic and salt so hanging garlic or placing a bowl of salt near the window is the best way to keep them away. To kill a manananggal, one must find the lower body and spread salt or ashes on the open wound. That prevents the two halves from joining and transforming back to human form when daylight breaks.

Top 10 Badass Movie Villains

2009-11-19T05:13:38Z

While there is a little overlap with this previous list, the members of this list are all suited to it sufficiently to overlook the duplication. These are characters who are not necessarily evil to the core – that would be another list – and in some cases you even have sympathy or fondness for the character.

Mrs. Iselin

Dame Angela Lansbury

She doesn’t gun down busloads of people, but there’s more than one way to be bad-ass. Mrs. Iselin is the wife of a senator, and her son, Raymond Shaw, hates her domineering attitude toward him. Shaw has been brainwashed by Soviet Communists years before the movie begins, and his own mother is a communist agent working undercover in America in order that she and her husband (really just she) gain all power in the White House. She does this by using her own son, Shaw, as a tool. She has absolutely no love for him. Or anyone else. All she wants is global power.

The idea of brainwashing her own son, of which activity she was the driving force, in order to force him to assassinate the President, after which Shaw goes to jail and she gets the power, is monumentally bad-ass!

Sgt. Alonzo Harris

Denzel Washington

He’s got better performances under his belt, but this one is outstanding. Harris gets into hot water when he personally beats a Russian mafia member to death in full view of people in Las Vegas. You gotta be bad-ass to willfully screw around with the Russian mafia.

They demand monetary recompense, and he sees to this by breaking the law every time he has to, robbing a known drug dealer, personally executing that drug dealer with a shotgun at point-blank range, enjoying his dying breaths in the process, robbing drug dealing street punks, and personally threatening to kill his own brand-new partner if he talks! He threatens him twice with guns, forces him to smoke a PCP-laced joint, then berates and threatens everyone in his entire neighborhood when his partner finally confronts him! That’s called FTW! That’s what that’s called!

Daniel Plainview

Daniel Day-Lewis

Not an easy choice, given the definition of bad-ass, but I say he is. All he cares about is money. That’s it. And he will gladly kill every person on the planet to get more of it. Luckily oil drilling doesn’t require genocide, but he does see fit to execute a complete stranger who lies to him for a cut of the money.

Then he buries the body to hide the evidence. He publicly beats the minister of a small town, the sort of thing that will be found out by everyone in town sooner or later. Does he pick up and leave? No way! Just stays and keeps drilling the oil for himself. He blatantly reneges of monetary promises, and if you believe in God and jesus and such, dig this: he allows the minister to baptize him, provided that he gets the last tract of land in the area, to build a pipeline through it. He could not care less about the baptism. He uses God himself as a tool to get more money.

At the end, he cements his legacy by beating the minister to death with a bowling pin, after humiliating him. His own butler just stands and looks at him sitting next to the body. No surprise. Now that’s bad-ass.

Archibald Cunningham

Tim Roth

A Britishman who dresses like a French fop. Even the characters around him think he’s gay, let alone public sentiment today. But he’s one of the finest swordsmen in the world, and derives sadistic ecstasy in dispatching a duelist one piece at a time, slowly, methodically, until the poor guy is helpless and terrified.

Ol’ Archy’s most bad-ass move by far, though, is slowly, methodically raping the helpless wife of a Scotsman who has irritated him. The Scottish are beneath him, he feels, and sees nothing wrong with raping and killing them. Then he leaves her alive to grieve.

Then the much larger Scot challenges him to a duel. Cunningham doesn’t even hesitate. “Bring him on.” And he enjoys himself immensely, slicing the Scot again and again, until the Scot finally kills him. Dead or not, Cunningham is one mean jerk!

Tony Montana

Al Pacino

No death scene has ever been more FTW!!! than Montana’s. He’s the greatest druglord in all creation, and uses more of his cocaine than anyone else. He just doesn’t give a flying rip. But that’s the thing. He never did. All the rival gang members in the world come down on top of him, and does he call security? Piss on security!

He loads a particularly grandiose self-defense weapon and proceeds to take on all comers. He just wastes ‘em right and left like rats. They shoot back, but he deliberately hocked himself up on coke beforehand, and now he’s nearly unstoppable. Shot after shot goes through his torso, and he takes ‘em like a man and shoots back, grenades and full-auto. His rivals can’t even take him off his feet! He’s just lost his sister, so he doesn’t care anymore. He just stands there shooting back and taunting them! They finally have to shoot him in the back.

His most bad-ass scene, though, is much earlier, when a drug deal goes sour, and he’s captured. The buyer demands all the drugs. He threatens Montana with a chainsaw! Montana is tied up and defenseless, and what does he do? He taunts the buyer to his face! “Why don’t you stick your head up your ass? See if it fits.”

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Don Logan

Sir Ben Kingsley

In the annals of bad-ass scriptwriting, this one has to be #1! Kudos to the writer, whoever you are, because all those repeated Nos and Yeses and such are actually written that way on the page! Kingsley wasn’t ad-libbing! But the marvelous performance is all his, and he based it on his grandmother! Talk about Thanksgiving.

Logan wants the ol’ gang’s best safecracker back in action for one more heist. The safecracker is retired and living the sweet life in sunny Spain. Not an easy person to convince to return to a life of crime. Logan actually pulls it off, at the ultimate cost of his life, granted, but he just refuses to back off.

He smashes a beer bottle over the safecracker’s head, he screams like a lurching gorilla right into his ear, he howls, he kicks walls, threatens everyone around him with death, he publicly trashtalks the safecraker’s wife, Jackie, and lady friend, says how lousy they both were in bed. The safecracker’s wife is an ex-porn star, and Logan makes several points of that. He walks right up to a kid with a rifle pointed at him and mocks his fear.

And nobody, NOBODY, has ever unleashed a torrent of awe-inspiring, profanity-laced volcano language on the level of Don Logan. “Laced” isn’t the proper word. It’s profanity-inundated. If it’s an art, this guy is Jackson Pollock. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!! No f___ing way! No f___ing way! No f___ing way! No f___ing way! You made me look a right c___!” “I don’t give two s___s what Jackie Big-Tits thinks, she can think what she f___ing likes!” “I WON’T LET YOU BE HAPPY!! WHY SHOULD I?!?!” “F___ off, wanker! You’re doing it!”

This guy played Gandhi!

Bill “the Butcher” Cutting

Daniel Day-Lewis

He’s so bad-ass that you love him! You want to see him dead more than anything in the world, but not for awhile. First you want to see him be bad-ass! He’s certainly got the coolest threads of anyone on the list. He smokes hash, he shoots morphine, he bangs hookers three and four at the time, and he rules the Five Point with “a spectacle of fearsome acts.”

He cudgels his political rival, a man many people in the area like a lot, with the rival’s own club. But that’s after he throws a meat cleaver into his back. Dozens of people witness it. No one dares say a word or try to stop him. “Why doncha burn him? See if his ashes turn green?” he mocks an onlooker over the dead body. This guy is none too fond of the Irish. “If only I had the guns, Mr. Tweed, I’d shoot each and every one of them before they set foot on American soil.”

He stands his ground and fights like a man, charging right into a crowd of opposing gangs. He lost a fight once, and personally cut out his own left eye, and sent it to the victor wrapped in blue paper. As a show that he would never look away again. “I would’ve cut ‘em both out, if I could’ve fought him blind.”

No loyalty. He is the man. Everyone else is loyal to him. Or dead.

Darth Vader

David Prowse, James Earl Jones, Sebastian Shaw

All the geeks were sweating up to now, I’m sure. No argument, Darth Vader is an icon of bad-assness. All he wants is the rebel alliance crushed. They’re a threat to the empire, and he has no qualms about obliterating an entire planet of innocent species to draw those rebels out of hiding. He cuts off his own son’s hand. He tries his best to tempt him to the dark side, and when that fails, he threatens to tempt his daughter, of whom he has just learned. He says it with such malicious glee. He loves his job!

Hayden Christensen is not included for good reason. If I ever feel like ranking the biggest p_____s (female reproduction orifices), I expect he’ll make the list.

The original Vader just stalks around force-choking people to death. “Apology accepted, Captain Nieder!” Then on top of all that, he has a change of heart at the last second and personally kills the emperor at the cost of his own life.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Sir Anthony Hopkins

How do you escape a super-ultra-hypermax security prison-asylum? Arrange to be transferred to anther facility, with more moderate security. True, the opportunity is lucky, but Lecter is always on watch for such things. I deliberated about whether he belonged, since he’s psychopathic. That means he has no feelings for the soul of anyone around him. But it doesn’t detract from his fearlessness, his sadism, or his brilliance. Nobody’s ever had a more horrifying stare.

Never mind that he eats people, first, he totally mindf___s Clarice, all just to grab a little payment for himself: moderate security. Then he still has to escape, which isn’t going to be easy. He picks his cuffs, he efficiently beats down both well armed guards. Then, to cement his legacy among the baddest of the bad-ass, he changes clothes with one guard, cuts his face off while he’s still alive, puts it on his own, and rides right out on a gurney. No one saw it coming. That’s after he disembowels the other guard and hangs him from his jail cell. He puts the guard’s pancreas on the guard’s head. He even has the nerve to call Clarice later–at the FBI’s headquarters–to let her know he’s out and having the time of his life. And he tells her a bad joke, “I’m having an old friend for dinner.”

The Joker

Heath Ledger

Let’s run through the logic on this one: this guy robs a mafia-owned bank, rigs the heist so that all his accomplices kill each other, he kills the last one, takes only the mafia’s money, $60,000,000, and then personally confronts every one of the mafia bosses at the same time. He walks right in laughing! They know he’s the one who robbed them, and he proceeds to make things worse by killing one of their underlings with his disappearing-pencil trick. He gleefully mocks them about paying for his new suit, then deliberately insults the one who’s angriest. Why? Well, because he’s the angriest. What makes this guy tick?

He lets on that he only robbed them to initiate a citywide war with one of the baddest crime-fighters in 20th Century fiction. It’s good sport. He demands half of the mafia’s money in exchange for killing Batman. This is after he’s robbed them. Later, he lets the angry mafia boss capture him, just so he can cut the guy’s throat. Then the Joker goes right about his business!

He executes people daily throughout Gotham just to make Batman take his mask off and give up. Why? He explains that to Batman after he rigs his own capture. “I wanted to see whatcha’d do! And ya didn’t disappoint!”

What the hell makes this guy tick? He explains himself to Harvey Harvey Harvey Dent, after he’s sure Dent won’t be returning to the land of heroes. “I’m an agent of chaos.” Folks, in my opinion, that is the definition of bad-ass. How do you deal with a guy like this? He’s so bad-ass that he has no rules! He tries to execute innocent hostages just to play a little game with Batty.

Then on top of everything else, he actually has the nerve to justify himself to Batman. “I’ll show ya. When the chips are down? These uh…’civilized’ people? They’ll eat each other. See, I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve.” Then he just lets Batman beat him for a while, and laughs in his face the whole time. You cannot get more bad-ass than that.

Top 10 Things You Should Never Discuss Online

2009-11-18T06:15:11Z

The late comedian George Carlin made a good living on his famous “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” monologue. In the monologue, he details seven particular words that one could never use on television (or radio either) regardless of intent or context. Use of any of those seven words would (and will) get you bleeped out. Use of enough of them at one sitting and the FCC (in America) will have you up on fines or worse.

Well, Mr. Carlin’s seven dirty words won’t usually cause an eye blink on the Internet; however, some topics are tacitly taboo regardless of the site one is surfing or the point one is trying to make. The introduction of any of these verboten topics into a comment stream, blog post, or general web discussion will invariably result in the immediate cessation of whatever was being discussed and the explosion of a full fledged flame war. These particular topics are so incendiary because they have little or no perceivable middle ground. One must chose a side and any refusal to chose a side will usually result in taking fire from BOTH sides.

Pretty much all of these topics have been around for years, but none of them show the slightest sign of becoming any less inflammatory. If anything, the rapidity of communication available via the web has polarized these issues even more. They are all grenades and a wise man once said, “when the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” So, without further ado and with apologies to the late Mr. Carlin, Ten Topics You Cannot Discuss on the Internet (without serious drama following shortly thereafter).

The Middle East

Everyone has an opinion about the Middle East. It may be about the Palestinian State; it may be about oil; it may be about Israel; but that little area of land is blood-soaked for a reason. Trying to talk about the Middle East will almost always end up in a fight because no one has been able to come up with a win-win solution to the area’s problems in a few thousand years. Any solution requires one side or the other to give ground and so far, no one has decided to. This mentality carries over into the supporters of the different positions. Israel is evil. The Palestinians are evil. The Jews are evil. The Arabs are evil. Round and round it goes. Again, no middle ground.

Homosexuality

Can’t be discussed rationally. No way, no how. To some it’s a perfectly acceptable lifestyle. To others, it is anathema. It is genetic. It is a choice. It can be “cured”. Once a homosexual, always a homosexual. Nature – or nurture. What’s really upsetting is no middle ground is usually available. If one happens to be a live and let live type of person, he or she is still in some danger of being painted negatively by the other side. One thing that makes this particular topic so explosive is homosexuality is much more mainstream now than it used to be. To some, that is a positive and sought after development. For others, it is a sign that the apocalypse is at hand.

Jesus Christ

Arguably the most discussed man in all of history. His life traditionally splits the dating system of the Western World into BC and AD. He is also probably the single most divisive person in all history. He was a good man and a great teacher but nothing else. He was God in the flesh. He never existed. Strangely, many people of all stripes who can rationally and calmly discuss the existence of God devolve into name calling and mudslinging once Jesus is brought up. Jesus is another guaranteed firestorm starter.

Race Relations

“Can’t we all just get along?” isn’t really an option. Things are better than in the past in some instances, but in others, not so much. Regardless, trying to talk about it reasonably is nearly impossible. Moderate voices are usually shouted down. Even in the 21st century some people still believe in the superiority of one race over another, despite the fact that, organically, race is a myth. We have ethnicities, yes, but race is an artificial construct based almost solely on the amount of melanin in a person’s skin and the size and layout of the facial bones and musculature. We’ve come a long way, but a long way remains and to discuss it reasonably is difficult. Cries of discrimination start coming in from all sides and before anyone knows it, the “discussion” is in the crapper.

Abortion

Pro-Choice. Pro-Life. Anti-choice. Baby. Fetus. When does birth begin? I have read more than once that civil debate on abortion is difficult in person and absolutely impossible online. The reasons are plain. It’s a topic that is naturally polarizing. It pits men against women, one religion against another, freedom against bondage, and for some it is literally a matter of life and death. The most divisive facet of the abortion debate, however, is the tendency for both sides to apply black and white thinking to a subject with way too many gray questions to fit into those pigeonholes. The result in “real life” can be crazy mad protests all the way up to clinic bombings. Online isn’t much better as otherwise nice, civil, rational people go from zero to pissed off in less than a second. Too visceral. Avoid at all costs.

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Gun Control

This is mostly an issue for Americans and there is a certain amount of politics involved, but even those who live in countries with very strict gun control, or no gun control (and little concern about it) are sure to weigh in on this controversial topic. It is, of course, all the more controversial for Americans because it goes to the very core of the nation – the constitution and the right (or not) to bear arms. We have already had at least one incident of comment war over this topic.

The Holocaust

The Holocaust is ALWAYS a fire starter. It never happened. It happened but the numbers are inflated. It happened but why is it so important. The Holocaust is about the Jews. The Holocaust is about all the targeted populations of the Nazis. The Holocaust didn’t get the job done. One reason this topic is so toxic is enough people are around who were eyewitnesses to make a strong case one way, but enough people are around who must rely on second hand information to be subject to influence by deniers. Either way, almost NOTHING elicits the strong feelings that the Holocaust does, and if one makes the mistake of saying one doesn’t care either way, well, god help you.

Politics

Of all the topics on this list, politics is the one that seems to have shown the most recent increase in rancor (though not on Listverse – item 6 takes the cake there). In the US we have the Republicans and Democrats, and in many other countries (such as the UK and most of the Commonwealth there is a similar variation of partisan political parties. For the diehard political pundit, his party is his team. It’s his family. It’s a mountain he’s ready to die on. I’ve seen people get physically sick upon learning “their” candidate had lost an election. The saddest part of this polarization is the gridlock it creates in governments. After all, the politicians know about the splits and they’ll pull out all the stops to add to their camp so they can stay in office.

Origins of Man

Evolution or Creation? The books that have been written on this subject for either position could probably fill a modest library. Each side has reams of data and boatloads of facts to back up its position and each side roundly thinks the other side’s data and facts are so much excrement. The worst part is, again, no middle ground. If one tries to adopt a position that incorporates both sides, each side will rip him or her to shreds. When the origins of man come up, the gloves come off.

Religion

More people have died in the name of God, whatever name that may be, than pretty much all other causes combined. Christian. Muslim. Buddhist. Atheist. Scientologist. No matter the stripe, a surefire way to get EVERYONE mad is to disparage another’s religion or lack thereof. It’s simple, really. Religion or, spirituality if you will, is probably the most intensely personal part of anyone’s being and that includes those who reject religion and spirituality altogether. Also, religion is a family affair. When someone feels his religion is under attack, that attack immediately becomes personal and familial. One push leads to a counter push and the atomic explosion goes off. To make matters worse, some religions have as an integral part a command to proselytize. Also, some people, not from a sense of command, but of desire, will want to proselytize. When that happens, your intensely personal experience collides with another person’s intensely personal experience and the result is a perfect storm of firestorm.

So, there it is. The ten topics you cannot discuss online (without serious drama following shortly thereafter). A word for the wise: it might pay to discuss the reasons behind this inability to discuss certain topics without a war, rather than discussing the merits of the items mentioned specifically. Let’s keep this more civil than the last list that mentioned one of the topics here.

Top 10 New Year Traditions

2009-11-17T02:14:52Z

Just as the parties from Christmas begin to dwindle, preparations are started for the celebration of New Year. It is a time when even the least-likely party-goer will ready himself for a night of booze, singing, and food. This list looks at 10 of the most common and interesting traditions of New Year from around the world.

First Footing

First-footing is an ancient European New Year’s custom that continues into the present in many areas. The first person to enter a home after midnight on the first day of the year should be a male, preferably with dark hair. Blondes may have been associated with Vikings – visitors who never brought good luck. The first-footer should carry a gift, such as a coin for prosperity, bread for food, salt for flavor, or whiskey to represent good cheer. The first-footer can be a resident of the house, but must not be inside during the hour leading up to midnight. No fair stepping outside and coming back in again!

Irish Wind

There is an Irish tradition of predicting the political future of the country by checking which way the wind blows at midnight on New Year’s Eve. If the wind is from the west, there is a chance that good fortune will reign that year. If the wind is from the east, however, the British will prevail. Mistletoe was handed out to ward off bad luck, and single women put a sprig of mistletoe under their pillows in hopes of catching a dream about their future husbands. Another tradition peculiar to Ireland is pounding on the doors and windows of the house with bread. This practice was to chase out evil spirits and ensure bread for the upcoming year.

Lavish Parties

Madeira, a Portugese island, holds a place in the Guinness Book of Records for the most lavish New Year’s party. In 2007, 8,000 fireworks per minute made up the display in Funchal, the capital city, for a total of 600,000 fireworks. Visitors from around the world fill the tiny harbor, where the dazzle is reflected. In 2009, the government is spending 12,000,000 Euros to ensure the most spectacular celebration anywhere in the world. Other famous fireworks displays take place in Rio de Janeiro, Sydney harbor, and, of course, New York City, were visitors watch the descent of the giant six-foot crystal ball marking the last moments of the old year.

Ancient History

New Year’s is the oldest holiday still being celebrated. The Babylonians celebrated the new year as early as 4000 B.C. At that time, the new year began on the first new moon after the Vernal Equinox. The celebration continued for eleven days, with each day having a different purpose and activity. Then, as now, resolutions were made. A common Babylonian resolution is to return borrowed farm equipment. At this time each year, the king was stripped of all power to undergo a ritual of humiliation, in which he was hit by the priest and separated from everyone for three days to pray. When he reappeared, ceremonies of restoration were performed to ensure that nature would support him during the coming year.

Imperial Ball

Austria has one of the most glamorous of New Year’s celebrations. At the Imperial Ball, a tradition of the Hapsburg dynasty that has continued for hundreds of years, dancers wear white gowns and black jackets. At midnight, “The Blue Danube,”is played. The Strauss operetta, “Die Fledermaus, is performed each New Year’s Day. Celebrants dine on suckling pig – considered good luck. The tables are often decorated with candy pigs. Children pour molten lead into a tub of water. A soothsayer then reads the shape of the lead. It is considered bad luck to find that your lead resembles an old woman.

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Chinese New Year

By the Chinese calendar, the year 2009 is actually 4706, a year of the ox. Chinese New Year is celebrated on the second new moon after the winter solstice. In 2010, it will fall on February 14. Firecrackers and noisemakers will chase away evil spirits. The fabulous dragon and lion will dance in the streets. People will wear red, the most auspicious of colors, and red envelopes with lucky money will be given to children. Tangerines are often given for good luck, but odd numbers are unlucky, so the tangerines are given in pairs. The third day of the new year is the day the mice marry off their daughters, so people go to bed early, so they don’t disturb the mice.

Japanese New Year

It is traditional in Japan to spend a full week preparing for the new year to arrive. The house must be thoroughly cleaned, so that no evil spirits can linger. All debts must be paid. And most importantly, all disagreements must be resolved and forgiven. Before midnight, 108 bells ring, to symbolize the elimination of 108 troubles. With no troubles, disagreements, debts, or disorder to contend with, all are free to welcome in the new year with every expectation of peace and prosperity. The day after New Year’s is First Writing Day, when people write their hopes and dreams for the new year.

Emancipation Day

For African Americans, New Year’s Day has a special significance, and is often called Emancipation Day or Jubilee Day. On January 1, 1863, the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing all slaves from bondage, was read in Boston. Today, many African-American families hold “watch services” on January 1. Traditional foods include black-eyed peas, collard greens, ham hocks, and macaroni and cheese. The uniquely African-American celebration, Kwanzaa, continues over seven days starting December 26, so the New Year’s celebration is often part of Kwanzaa’s way of reconnecting people with their African roots. Kwanzaa began in the United States in the 1960s, and is not celebrated in Africa.

Auld Lang Syne

“Auld Lang Syne” has been called the most familiar song to which nobody knows the words. But this year, you will! Written by Robert Burns and first published after his death in 1796, the song became an instant standard in 1929 when Guy Lombardo and his Royal Canadians played it on New Year’s Eve, broadcasting from the Waldorf Astoria in New York City. The title literally means, “Old Long Time.” Roughly translated, here are the words:

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot, and days of auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne.
We’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for days of auld lang syne.

We two have run around the hills
And pulled the daisies fine.
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot
Since the days of auld lang syne.

We two have paddled in the stream
From morn till the sun was down.
But seas between us two have roared
Since days of auld lang syne.

So here’s a hand my trusty friend.
Give us a hand of thine.
We’ll take a good-will drink again
For auld lang syne.

First Baby

Using a baby to symbolize the new year has been controversial from the beginning. Many cities watch for the first baby of the new year, to shower him or her with gifts from local merchants and lots of media attention. But parading a living baby through the streets brought disapproval from Greek mothers as early as 600 B.C. Egyptians also used a live human baby to symbolize the birth of a new year. Early Christians disapproved of the practice, but its popularity eventually overcame all objections, and the symbol remains one of the most popular. Today’s baby is traditionally a diapered boy with a sash labeled with the number of the upcoming year he represents.

10 Great Achievements of the Human Mind

2009-11-16T19:24:05Z

Man is a fortunate species. The marvelous (and still largely mysterious) complexity of the human brain has gifted him with speech, language, and the power of creative, abstract thought. Over thousands of years our intelligence has given us tools and technology, art and science, society and civilization. We now possess a treasure house of intellectual achievements in which all of us can take a pride. I present here ten works of superlative genius, in no particular order.

William Shakespeare’s Works

There are those who believe the Immortal Bard did not write the 39 plays which bear his name, citing lack of education and unfamiliarity with the source material. However, the evidence for this is scant, and the world generally acknowledges Shakespeare to be the greatest playwright who ever lived. More than mere stories, Shakespeare’s greatest plays analyse life and death, love and hate, revenge and forgiveness, good and evil. Centuries before Freud and Jung, Shakespeare picked apart human psychology, presenting it as comedy, tragedy, and historical drama, expressed in language of sublime power and poetry. If the list were longer we would also have to consider that Miguel de Cervantes would be equal in position 10 for his contribution to literature.

Paradise Lost

Along with William Shakespeare, John Milton stands as one of the twin giants of English literature. However, his reputation rests almost entirely on his most famous work, one which has spawned a branch of academic study all to itself, the great epic poem ‘Paradise Lost’. Drawing on his vast and intimate knowledge of language, the Bible, Greek and Roman mythology, and literature from the Ancient world, Milton created one of the most enduring poems in English. Based on the Book of Genesis, ‘Paradise Lost’ concerns itself with Lucifer’s rebellion and subsequent expulsion from heaven, the creation of the world, and the Fall of Man. Lofty, noble, darkly majestic in tone, ‘Paradise Lost’ takes the reader on an awe-inspiring journey through heaven, hell, and the newly-created earth with its Garden of Eden, the paradise Adam and Eve lost. Though written in English, the grammatical structure is based on that of Latin (the reason some people find it a difficult read). However, once the reader has grown accustomed to the style they are rewarded with a unique literary vision. What makes Milton’s achievement even more remarkable is that he was totally blind, composing the entire work in his head (over 10,000 lines) between 1658 – 1664, and dictating it to his daughters.

Philosophy of Aristotle

Aristotle was a student of Plato and the teacher of Alexander the Great. He was a scientist beyond compare, doing more than all before him to synthesize all the scattered truths of the earlier philosophers. He devised the four causes (formal, material, efficient, and final) – two of which are still essential in the modern scientific method, formulated the notions of act and potency, and was the first to systematize the acts of the intellect and deduce the rules for proper thinking and reasoning. His influence spread not just to Christendom through St Thomas Aquinas, but the Islamic lands through Averroes.

Elements

The second oldest item on this list (written 300 years before the birth of Christ), Euclid’s ‘Elements’ was the first rigorous account of geometry (drawing on earlier, less rigorous works). Starting with a mere ten axioms (statements which cannot be reduced to simpler ones), Euclid defines points, lines, two- and three-dimensional spaces, and the mathematical objects which inhabit them. The lucidity of Euclid’s style and the tight logic of his proofs meant that ‘Elements’ remained one of the standard texts on geometry right up to the nineteenth century, until more rigorous definitions of geometry emerged, along with the discovery of non-Euclidean geometries. Over two-thousand years after being written, such diverse people as Abraham Lincoln, Edna St. Vincent Millay, and Albert Einstein drew inspiration from Euclid’s mathematical masterpiece.

Infinitesimal Calculus

Differential and integral calculus were developed separately by two men who could not have been more different: Isaac Newton was secretive, obsessive, and generally shunned company; personal grooming and even eating took second place to his work. Gottfried Leibniz was charming, well-dressed, had a wide circle of friends, and was the toast of German intellectual circles. Trouble between Newton and Leibniz began over the matter of who discovered calculus first. In 1675 Leibniz used integral calculus for the first time, but did not publish his results until 1684. Newton had already worked out both differential and integral methods in 1666 (which he had employed in his work on gravitation), but did not publish until 1693. Leibniz’s publication and the urging of colleagues prompted Newton to hastily publish his own results. Initially they were more or less cordial on the subject of their mutual discovery, but quickly became enemies, a situation made worse by the interference of supporters. Today both men are credited with the discovery of something without which advanced engineering and physics would be impossible, the messy details of their dispute being left for the historians to mull over.

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Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica

The Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy

Though he had to share the development of calculus with Leibniz, Newton can claim the theory of gravity for himself, and it is in the ‘Principia’ (published in 1687) that Newton presents the law of universal gravitation. Using classical geometry and the method of ‘fluxions’ and ‘fluents’ (what we today call differential and integral calculus), Newton could account not just for the fall of an apple, but ballistic trajectories, the orbits of moons and planets, and the motions of stars. With ‘Principia’, physics took a mighty leap forward. As the poet Alexander Pope put it ‘Nature and nature’s laws lay hid in night; God said “Let Newton be” and all was light.’

Quantum Mechanics

Whereas relativity theory (entry 2) was the product of a single mind, the contributors to quantum mechanics read like a physics hall of fame: Rutherford, Bohr, Planck, Schroedinger, Pauli, Heisenberg, Dirac, Feynman, Gell-Mann, to name a few (Einstein also made important early contributions, but grew to dislike quantum mechanic’s bizarre, counter-intuitive nature). Also, it took several decades and many arguments to bring quantum mechanics to fruition. The frontiers of quantum mechanics are still expanding as ever-deeper levels of matter are probed by powerful particle accelerators and powerful minds alike.

Evolutionary Theory

Probably the most controversial entry on this list, evolution inspires more heated debate and animosity between its adherents and detractors than any other scientific theory, but let’s get a couple of points out of the way. Darwin never stated that humans evolved from apes; they both have a common ancestor. Also, ‘On the Origin of Species’ (published in 1859) only mentions human evolution in passing, for two reasons: Darwin was wary of the response (‘Vestiges of Creation’ in 1844 had met with controversy), and there wasn’t enough evidence available at the time to make a detailed analysis of human evolution. That said, Darwin’s book brought about a classic paradigm shift; never again could man look at the natural world around him the same way (or himself, for that matter). As for Darwin, over the years his religious beliefs had eroded. By 1859, Darwin considered all religions equally valid, and was critical of the Biblical account of creation. The death of his daughter Anne in 1851 at age 10 had also contributed to his loss of faith, and he stopped attending church entirely (though he never quite became a total atheist). Doing for biology what Einstein would later do for physics, Charles Darwin gained both immortality and notoriety.

Relativity Theory

Like Newton before him, Albert Einstein was an outsider. Often bemused and frequently saddened by the human world, he considered the secrets of nature the deepest problems anyone could face. Mostly unconcerned with worldly affairs, Einstein’s genius took science to unparalleled heights. Any one of the three papers he produced in his ‘miracle year’ of 1905 would have won him the Nobel Prize; it turned out to be his work on the photoelectric effect which did so, but it was special relativity (and in 1915 general relativity) which would seal his reputation as the greatest physicist since Newton, and one of the greatest thinkers in history. In order to redefine the nature of matter, gravity, mass, and energy, Einstein had to draw together mathematical subjects such as differential geometry, tensor analysis, and electromagnetic theory (tales of Einstein’s poor skills in mathematics are entirely myth). Once when asked by a reporter where his laboratory was, Einstein simply replied “here”, and held up his fountain pen.

The Ring Cycle

Richard Wagner was a man of fearsome genius, dubious character, revolutionary fervor, blustering nationalism, and racist vitriol. Though his output was small in numerical terms, his artistic influence has been seismic, to put it mildly. Without Wagner opera and its close cousin cinema would not have developed into the forms we recognize today. Innumerable composers, writers, and artists have been influenced by Wagner, especially his masterpiece, the gigantic Ring Cycle, a tetralogy of operas comprising a single story. Drawing on medieval Germanic, Scandinavian, and Icelandic mythology, Wagner laboriously brought the Ring Cycle into existence over a 25-year period, much of that time spent criss-crossing Europe conducting, proselytizing about his work and artistic theories, running from creditors, involved in various intrigues and scandals, and composing other operas. By 1876 the entire Ring Cycle was ready for its world premiere (though ‘Das Rheingold’ and ‘Die Walkure’ had already been performed for King Ludwig II of Bavaria, to Wagner’s fury). Wagner had erected his own theatre in Bayreuth, mostly paid for by King Ludwig II. In August 1876 the crown heads of Europe and several other nations beyond (including Pedro II, emperor of Brazil), composers, and intellectuals attended the premiere. A total of fifteen hours of music of colossal grandeur and unequalled technical complexity washed over the audience during the four-day performance. To this day staging the entire Ring Cycle remains the ultimate operatic challenge, demanding the highest standards from singers, orchestras, conductors, designers, and producers. Above is probably the most well known piece of music from the Ring Cycle.

10 Movies That Are So Bad They Are Good

2009-11-14T21:20:19Z

One of the things I like about Listverse is the way that some lists can be so divisive, especially the lists about movies. Film preference is certainly a matter of taste and opinion, however, there are certain qualities to some films that make them truly good, such as script, direction, cinematography, acting. Not that these things guarantee everyone will love a movie or not. For example, not everyone will like Citizen Kane, however, there is absolutely no way anyone could deny the lasting power and influence the film has had on the industry. Which makes it a great movie. But what about the opposite? What are some films that are so poorly executed, so brazenly bad that they actually may be fun to watch? Sure, the scripts are lame, the acting is deplorable and the direction is shoddy at best, but there’s no denying the sheer joyful ineptitude of these films. I’m not talking about the simply bad films, (such as Transformers 2; Showgirls; Howard The Duck; Speed 2; Catwoman, and heaven forbid, Battlefield Earth). Those are just crappy films that are impossible to sit through. The films on this list have chutzpah. They have their hearts in the right place, if not the camera direction or script or acting. You actually can sit through these and enjoy them for what they are: so bad, they’re good.

Note: this is by no means a “top 10” list. The selections were based on a variety of reviewers, articles, popularity and an informal survey.

The Giant Claw

This 1957 clunker is a bad classic for one reason and one reason only: the completely ludicrous bird puppet used as the monster, probably the absolute worst monster ever to appear on film. Apparently, due to budget constraints, after the actors were done shooting, the film was sent to Mexico for the special effects—at very little cost and without oversight by the director or producers, When the got the footage back, they were completely aghast, but had no choice to release the film as is. The resulting film has people reciting serious dialogue about a horrifying creature, then being frightened out of their skulls by this giant flying misshapen goose or something out of a sick kids’ show, with googly eyes and a hairy feather coming out of its head. One bonus is that it features the extremely hot Mara Corday who starred in a number of these giant beast flicks in the ‘50s.

Favorite scene: Anytime the giant claw is on the screen.
Other laughably bad monster movies: Attack of the Giant Leeches (A guy in a trashbag), The Killer Shrews (Dogs wearing shag carpets), The Crawling Eye (A giant crawling eyeball!), C.H.U.D. (sewer creatures), The Monolith Monsters (Rocks.), Sting of Death (A guy becomes part jellyfish!!), Attack of the 50-Foot Woman.

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Made as a parody of horror flicks in 1978, this film is a parody in itself. It never takes itself seriously and has a lot of very funny moments, but there’s no denying the ineptitude of everyone involved in it. Of course, how do you make a ‘good’ movie about the world being attacked by killer mutant tomatoes? So why make it in the first place? Because it’s damn fun.

Favorite scene: The underwater sequence as tomatoes attack swimmer a la Jaws.
Other laughably bad killer tomato movies: Return of the Killer Tomatoes (featuring a young George Clooney), and Killer Tomatoes Strike Back, and Killer Tomatoes Eat France.

Troll 2

Released 20 years ago, this chancre sore on the ass of film history is now gaining a cult following as one of the worst movies ever made. In fact, a new documentary called “Best Worst Movie” centers around one of the actors who is now a dentist, and the following Troll 2 has amassed. This movie is so reprehensibly bad, it is almost too much to sit through. But with the right frame of mind, and a few bong hits, it’s actually quite enjoyably awful. The plot revolves around little evil trolls taking over a small town because no one there knows how to deliver a line. Or something like that.

Favorite scene: A nerdy guy delivers a ridiculous line with painful gusto: “They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me! Oh my Goooooodddddd!” Clever!
Other laughably bad sequels: Ghoulies 2, Return to Oz (creepy as hell, but interesting to watch), Grease 2 (embarrassingly funny and bad), Jaws: The Revenge (another giant shark? Oh puh-leeze! And Michael Caine with a bad accent.)

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

This epic from 1964 is on many “Worst Movies of All-Time” lists, and for good reason. It’s bad. But it’s also so much fun on many levels, starting out with the bubble gum pop theme song, to the use of Whammo Air-Blaster guns as Martian weapons, to the sight of a young Pia Zedora as a Martian girl. The story revolves around said Martian children being depressed that kids on earth get to celebrate Christmas and they don’t. The solution is to kidnap Santa and bring him to Mars. Much hilarity and many hijinks ensue. Of course, all works out in the end and both Mars and Earth get to celebrate the holiday!

Favorite scene: The attack of the man in a polar bear costume. Complete with zipper up the back!
Other laughable holiday movies: Santa Claus (a creepy Mexican import), Jingle All The Way (Arnold trying to get the ungettable toy. Bad but fun!) Ernest Saves Christmas (bad, but who can hate Ernest?)

Death Race 2000

The term “schlock” started being used to describe films back in the ‘50s or so. It means something cheap, shoddy or inferior. And it’s been used to describe this 1975 film from infamously schlocky director/actor Paul Bartel (Lust in the Dust, Eating Raoul). The premise is that in the future, there will be a cross country car race in which pedestrians can be run down for extra points. The movie stars David Carradine and Sylvester Stallone, a year before the release of Rocky. It’s so over the top, that the overacting works. The cars are very cool and there is plenty of action.

Favorite scene: Nurses at a senior citizen’s home wheel the old folks out to the middle of the highway in wheelchairs for the drivers to plow through. Yee haaa!
Other laughably bad films with dystopian visions of the future: Rollerball (original), The Running Man, Waterworld

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The Blob

A B-movie is one that was made to follow a main feature, usually produced on a smaller budget, with lesser known talent and little studio support. The Blob may be one of the biggest B-movies of the ‘50s, if only because it’s still an all-time crowd pleaser and it featured Steve McQueen in his first role. It’s the simple story of boy takes girl to make-out point, meteor carrying a flesh eating blob lands on earth, and teens try to convince adults that there’s danger afoot. The famous “running out of the theater” scene is reenacted every year during Blobfest in Phoenixville, Pennsylvania, where the film was mostly shot. (the theater is still intact). There are so many memorable scenes in this one, but even Steve McQueen has a hard time delivering some of his putrid lines.

Favorite scene: Watch some of the people running out of the theater. They seem to be having a great time. One woman actually falls and no one helps her up.
Other laughably bad teens in danger films: Night of the Creeps, Idle Hands, I was a Teenage Werewolf, Teenagers from Outer Space

Road House

With all due respect to the departed Patrick Swayze, this movie has become known as one of the best camp classics ever. Other than the fact that Swayze goes bare-chested every so often, this is one for the guys. Lots of brutal, bloody fistfighting, nudity, southern rock soundtrack, guns, knives and explosions. Something for everyone! Released in 1989, the film was a decent box office hit, but has now found it’s home as a cult favorite. The story is simple. Swayze’s character is a tough bouncer hired to take care of a bar, when he comes up against some evil guys who want to fight and stuff. It really doesn’t matter. This is pure campy fun, that is perfect to make fun of.

Favorite line: “Pain don’t hurt.”
Other laughably bad fight films: They Live, Any Billy Jack sequel, Dolemite

Robot Monster

In 1953, sci-fi movies were all the rage. Films like War of the Worlds or Invaders from Mars played to peoples’ fears of aliens from outer space, while really being metaphors for the “red menace” that everyone in America dreaded. Among the lesser films of this genre would be Robot Monster. Director Phil Tucker put a guy in a gorilla suit and a diving helmet, went out to Bronson Canyon in California (the site of many western film and TV shoots) and cobbled together the most bizarre tale of alien invasion ever. I don’t want to get into the plot and spoil it for you, but there are Ro-men, a gorgeous love interest, a hunky scientist, some inserted stock footage of lizards in dinosaur costumes battling it out, flying saucers on sticks, and a couple of annoying kids. It’s a blast.

Favorite scene: The family decides it would be a good idea to picnic in the middle of a hot, rocky canyon and take a nap under the blistering sun.
Other laughably bad alien invasion movies: Little Shop of Horrors (the original version, not the fun musical), Killer Klowns from Outer Space, Monster A Go-Go

Manos: The Hands of Fate

If Plan 9 is the granddaddy of laughably inept filmmaking, then Manos is the bastard red-headed stepchild. The brainchild of then fertilizer salesmen, Harold P. Warren, in 1966, it’s definitely a pile of crap. The film had practically disappeared until the geniuses at Mystery Science Theater 3000 found it and lampooned it. Which is probably the best way to watch it. The plot revolves around a family’s roadtrip that goes horribly wrong when they wind up in a mysterious ranch that happens to be some sort of devil worshipping pagan cult. The real star is Torgo, a brainless manservant of “the master,” who for some reason has giant swollen knees. What? Yeah, giant knees. The film was shot on a hand held camera that needed winding every so often, so no shot lasts longer than 32 seconds or so. And since it was shot without sound, the voices were all dubbed, mostly by only two or three people, so everyone sounds vaguely alike. It may be painful to sit through, but with a bunch of people and a good sense of humor, this is a bucket of fun.

Favorite scene: The Master sentences Torgo to die. Two of the Master’s wives claw at Torgo to “kill” him. Then his hand falls off in a fire. Huh?
Other laughably bad similar films: Nothing compares to this one.

Plan 9 From Outer Space

The true granddaddy of entertaining inept filmmaking, this Golden Turkey winner is a true classic. Immortalized by Tim Burton in the great film “Ed Wood,” this was to be the director’s magnum opus, but instead it’s a top notch pile of crap. I find it incredibly watchable, if only to laugh at the passionate way some of these “actors” deliver their lines. The story of aliens making the dead rise to help stop the earth from discovering “solarbanite” has all the makings of a sci-fi/horror epic. But alas, that would never be. Instead, we get shots that switch from day to night and back again, an obvious stand-in for Bela Legosi (who died long before actual shooting began and appears only from footage Wood shot earlier), and sets right out of someone’s basement. (a shower curtain is the cockpit door on a plane, tombstones fall over when someone trips over the fake grass, and alien spacecrafts hung on wires wobble over shots of Hollywood.) This is great stuff, and will truly be enjoyed with tongue firmly planted in cheek.

Favorite scene: The fey alien berates the earthlings by yelling, “Stupid humans! Stupid! STUPID!!” Now that’s dialogue.
Other laughable films from the Ed Wood Canon: Bride of the Monster, Glen or Glenda?, Orgy of the Dead

Honorable “so bad, they’re good” mentions: Army of Darkness, The Beastmaster, Pink Flamingos, Flash Gordon, The Toxic Avenger, Valley Girl, Reanimator, My Life’s In Turnaround, Buckaroo Banzai, Blacula, Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster

Top 10 Ancient Jobs That Sucked Big Time

2009-11-13T19:41:51Z

Work is getting harder and harder to find these days. No matter what your area of expertise, the recession is sucking us all dry. With the abundance of jobs and skilled workers for those jobs, the situation is exacerbated. This was not the case in ancient times where some jobs were so repulsive that no one would want them – except the scum of society or those who had nothing to lose. This list looks at ten of them.

Nomenclator

The nomenclator held a vitally important job. He was, effectively, a living-human-calendar cum address book. Now these days we have our iPhones, our Blackberrys, and all manner of digital devices to remember the people we are introduced to at meetings or (more embarrassingly) those we meet when we drink a little too much at a work party. We have all, no doubt, had that experience where we meet a person, take down their number and name, promise to contact them soon, and, in the sober light of day, wonder who the hell they are. The ancients had a much better way of dealing with this. They dragged a slave to their parties and forced him to remember the names and numbers. Now the most important difference between the iPhone and the nomenclator is that the nomenclator could tell you who the guy was, what you talked about, and whether he is worth contacting. He can also clarify whether that gorgeous lady you met was made gorgeous by beer googles or not. Frankly, if it weren’t for an exorbitantly high minimum wage, we would all be better off tossing the iPhone and taking on a modern nomenclator. But alas, who would want the job? Who would want to be paid two bucks an hour to remain sober while everyone else was partying on down? Not me that’s for sure! Having said that, just in case I am wrong and this job does appeal to some, if there is anyone living in the Wellington region who is looking for low-paid under-the-table work and wants to go to some great parties (whilst remaining sober), check out the Listverse About page and contact me.

Slaver

Okay – be prepared for a sensitive topic. Recently we have had a rather unfortunate event wherein abortion was discussed on a list that caused quite the kerfuffle (it’s an English word – find the definition here). You may wonder why I mention it but if you read on you will understand. A slaver was a gentleman (used in the most liberal sense of the word possible) who sold slaves – for work or pleasure. He would either travel behind armies (who were off fighting in battle) so he could capture the losers and sell them to rich Greeks as slaves, or (and this is where we connect up with the awkward list of the last few days), he would buy “unwanted” boys (but only the handsome ones) from parents so he could castrate them and sell them as lovers to wealthy Greek men who had a taste for young flesh. They provided (in rather a repulsive way) an alternative to adoption to those parents who didn’t want their children. The downside to this (somewhat repellant) career choice, was that despite the demand for handsome young boys, the slavers were often murdered by those who didn’t approve of their trade.

Ornatrix

The job of a hairdresser (ornatrix) is so often looked down upon these days. And it was no less so in the ancient times. But honestly, a modern hairdresser really ought to appreciate her job – because she has it so much better now than ever in the past. Picture this: your imperial queen is balding and blonde, but the fashion this week is dark lustrous locks. If it were today, you would either shove a wig on the lady or glue in some extensions. This was, sadly, not an option for the work-weary ornatrix of days gone by. In order to provide your mistress with her coal-colored mane, you had to work with a mixture of bile, rotten leeches, and squid ink (the rotten leeches made for an especially rich black). But it gets worse. Occasionally fashion would demand blonde hair and your mistress is a natural brunette. There was no peroxide in those days. To give her a lovely golden hue you had to mix pigeon poop, and ashes together in the hopes that the chemical combination would strip out the healthy color of her hair. Oh – and to set the color – you had to pee on her hair. Worse still was being a slave with beautiful hair – this would often be cut from your head and fashioned into a wig for a rich harridan.

Vestal Virgin

Let us start with the job description: “Teen female virgin wanted for thirty year service. Must be Roman, having all limbs, and not the child of a slave”. This was the job description of the vestal virgin. These attractive and fully-limbed girls were to spend thirty years giving service to Vesta – goddess of the family. They had to keep the vestal flame burning and were in a position of great honor – the only female priests in Ancient Rome. Now if one of these pretty young girls absent-mindedly forget to keep the fire going, she would be flogged till she bled. If, the heavens forbid, she slipped up in the area of virginity, she was buried alive. Oh – and to make matters worse, the lazy vestal virgin who slept in and let the fire go out was not just likely to get a flogging: letting the fire go out was a sign of loss of virginity. In other words, she got flogged, then buried alive – just for sleeping in!

Dentist

We have all seen the ridiculous Book of British Smiles (see item 8) on the Simpson’s and while that may be something of a myth, socialized dental care doesn’t seem to be particularly efficient. But imagine the mouths of the Romans who didn’t brush their teeth, ate craploads of rotten fish sauce (see item 2), and spent a huge amount of time feasting and vomiting. Now imagine one with an abscess or a toothache and being the dentist who had to deal with that. Now those of us who are very fond of wine are okay – as it was commonly used as an anesthetic, but when things got really bad, the poor dentist had to take drastic measures. This (sadly) involved taking a red hot poker to the gums after the tooth was ripped out, and stuffing more rotten fish into the resulting charred hole. One can’t help but wonder who had it worse – the dentist or the patient!

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Wine Maker

Speaking of my favorite subject wine, What job could be better than that of the wine maker – harvesting the grapes in the early hours while the dew still drips from the vines, pressing the fat grapes with one’s feet whilst singing bawdy epic songs, and finally, after fermentation, drinking the delicious nepenthe on the terrace of an evening? Hmm – perhaps drinking wine that wasn’t laced with lead! That’s right, unfortunately the Romans didn’t understand the dangers of lead and they regularly sweetened their wine with sugar of lead (much in the same way as we fill our drinks with a variety of cancer-causing sugar replacements these days). To make matters worse, they often served their “lead-wine” in lead cups! The average Roman who enjoyed a quaff or two, consumed up to one gram of lead per day!

Praegustator

Praegustator: in other words, a taster. Following on from wine we have food. Now who wouldn’t want to be paid a handsome sum every day for doing nothing but chowing down on the emperor’s dinner? Daily tastes of peacock, swamp hen, wild boar, the list is virtually endless. But, as is to be expected on this list, there is a caveat. Most of the emperors were dicks and a lot of people wanted them dead. And in those days before guns (or the possibility of getting close enough to fire a bow and arrow) the easiest way to kill someone was to poison them. So, forgetting the lead-laced wine which would have eventually taken its toll anyway, the emperors were certain to be dished up a plate of some rancid poisonous delicacies at least once or twice in their career. Herein steps the praegustator (the pre-taster). This poor schmuck was the guy who had to have a mouthful of everything the Emperor planned to eat. Needless to say, history has shown us that more pre-tasters died than emperors.

Rower

Most of us are aware of the experience of going to the gym to lose a few pounds. The burning ache in the shoulders and arms when our personal trainer forces us onto the satanic rowing machine with no desire other than to make us feel bad because we dragged them out of bed at 6am. Now fortunately for us we are paying the bills so we can tell the trainer to shove off and stop after three minutes. And that brings us to the poor unfortunate souls who had to row the Greek war boats during the good old ancient days. First of all, most were slaves and were paid nothing more than a daily meal. Secondly, when that nasty burn set in they couldn’t just stop and demand a latte break. They would get flogged. Imagine your innocuous personal trainer pulling out a cat’o'nine-tails when your arms started to ache. Imagine being flayed because the chubby guy on the machine next to you is going half a mile faster than you. That was the life of the rower.

Armpit Plucker

I was tempted to say nothing about this item as the title is disgusting enough! But, alas, I would feel like I were cheating were I to stop there. Some years ago I was a student of pugilism. We were a small class of teenaged boys being taught by an ex-Soviet Nuclear submarine commander who had emigrated to New Zealand (he had some amazing stories to tell which I may one day share here). He worked us hard. Now I was a teen who was very concerned about personal hygiene. Sadly the same was not true for the majority of my class. The gym smelt like someone had sprayed body odor especially to “man” us up. This is not a new thing. The ancients were incredibly fond of their sports (often naked or with nothing on but the foreskin gripper – the kynodesme – see item 9). Because these athletes were working out all day in the hot sun and were aware of the natural ability of hair to retain unpleasant odors, the men (young and old) went through a daily routine of having their underarm hairs plucked out by the armpit plucker – after all, they were most likely to spend the evening in very close company with others at the public baths. Now the armpit plucker was not the same as a modern beautician who plucks eyebrows – these were professionals who were dealing with incredibly hairy armpits full of smells that one doesn’t want to think about at all. No amount of grappa could prepare you for this job.

Delator

Latin is an amazing language – it manages to make everything sound lovely. For example: pedacabo – pronounced “ped-a-cah-bo” – it just rolls right off the tongue. Unfortunately it means “one who is anally penetrated.” Delator is similar. In modern English, the delator might be called a snitch, a rat, a fink, an informant, a stoolie, and a huge variety of other unpleasant names for a person who is, basically, a nark. These were men whose sole job in life was to tell on their neighbors. For every little misdemeanor. They make the Nazi Youth look good! These bastards even reported people for failure to pay their taxes! Unfortunately power often goes to our heads and these sneaky scumbags started making stuff up because they were paid regardless of the truth behind their accusations. If there was ever going to be a social pariah, these were the guys who were it. The most famous delator (though not Roman) was, of course, Judas.

Top 10 Snipers in History

2009-11-13T10:14:03Z

‘It was night and low visibility, but I saw a guy with an AK-47 lit up by the porch light in a doorway about 400 meters away. I watched him through the sights. He looked like just another Iraqi. I hit him low in the stomach and dropped him.’ – Specialist James Wilks, 25, from Fort Worth, Texas. Concealment is key to becoming a great sniper. Highly trained marksmen who can shoot accurately from incredible distances with specialized training in high-precision rifles. In addition, they are trained in camouflage, field craft, infiltration, reconnaissance and observation, making them perhaps the most feared military presence in a war. Below is my list of top ten snipers in history and some of the greatest shots ever fired.

Thomas Plunkett

died in 1851

Was an Irish soldier in the British 95th Rifles. What makes him on of the greats is that he shot a very impressive French general, Auguste-Marie-François Colbert.

During the battle at Cacabelos during Monroes retreat in 1809, Plunkett, using a Baker Rifle, shot the French general at a range of about 600 meters. Giving the incredible inaccuracy of rifles in the early 19th century, this was either a very impressive feat, or one hell of a fluke. Well Plunkett not wanting his army buddies to think he was a bit lucky decided to take the shot again before returning to his line. So he reloaded his gun and took aim once again this time at the trumpet major who had come to the generals aid. When this shot also hit its intended target, proving that Plunkett is just one badass marksman, he looked back to his line to see the impressed faces of the others in the 95th Rifles.

Just for comparison the British soldiers were all armed with ‘Brown Bess muskets’ and trained to shoot into a body of men at 50 meters. Plunkett did 12 times that distance. Twice.

Sgt Grace

4th Georgia Infantry

The date was May 9th 1864, when Sgt Grace, a Confederate sniper, achieved what was considered to be an incredible shot at the time, and what is definitely the most ironic demise of a target in history. It was during the battle of Spotsylvania when Grace took aim with his British Whitworth Rifle. His target was General John Sedgwick (pictured above) and the distance was 1,000 yards. An extremely long distance for the time. During the beginning of the skirmish, the confederate sharpshooters were causing Sedgwick’s men to duck for cover. Sedgwick refused to duck and was quoted saying “What? Men dodging this way for single bullets? What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn’t hit Elephants at this distance.” His men persisted in taking cover. He Repeated “They couldn’t hit elephants at this distance” Seconds Later Grace’s shot hits Sedgwick just under his left eye.

I swear you couldn’t write it. Sedgwick was the highest ranking Union casualty in the civil war and upon hearing his death Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant repeatedly asked “Is he really dead”.

Charles ‘Chuck’ Mawhinney

1949-

103 Confirmed Kills

Was an avid hunter as a kid and joined the Marines in 1967. He served in the U.S. Marine Corps during Vietnam and holds the record for number of confirmed kills for Marine snipers, exceeding that of legendary Marine sniper Carlos Hathcock. In just 16 months he killed 103 enemies and another 216 kills were listed as probable’s by the military, only because it was too risky at the time to search the bodies for documents. When he left the Marines he told no-one of his of his role during the conflict and only a few fellow Marines knew of his assignments. It was nearly 20 years before somebody wrote a book detailing his amazing skills as a sniper. Mawhinney came out of anonymity because of this and became a lecturer in sniper schools. He was once quoted saying “it was the ultimate hunting trip: a man hunting another man who was hunting me. Don’t talk to me about hunting lions or elephants; they don’t fight back with rifles and scopes. I just loved it. I ate it up.”

A routinely deadly shot from distances between 300 – 800 yards, Mawhinney had confirmed kills of over 1000 yards, making him one of the greatest snipers of the Vietnam war.

Rob Furlong

A former corporal of the Canadian Forces, he holds the record for the longest confirmed sniper kill in history at 1.51 miles or 2,430 metres. That’s the length of about 26 football pitches.

This amazing feat occurred in 2002, when he was involved in Operation Anaconda. His Sniper Team consisted of 2 Corporals and 3 Master Corporals. When a three man Al-Qaeda weapons team moved into a mountainside position he took aim. Furlong was armed with a .50-caliber McMillan Brothers Tac-50 Rifle and loaded with A-MAX very low drag bullets. He fired and missed. His second shot hit the enemies knapsack on his back. He had already fired his third shot by the time the second hit, but now the enemy knew he was under attack. The airtime for each bullet was about 3 seconds due to the immense distance, enough time for an enemy to take cover. However the dumbfounded militant realised what was happening just in time to take the third shot in the chest.

Vasily Zaytsev

March 23, 1915 – December 15, 1991

242 Confirmed Kills

Zaytsev is probably the best known Sniper in history thanks to the movie ‘Enemy At The Gates’. It is a great film and I wish I could say it was all true. However the truth only goes as far as the battle of Stalingrad. There was no Nazi Counter-Sniper Specialist in real life. Well not to the extent of the film. Here’s the truth. Zaytsev was born in Yeleninskoye and grew up in the Ural Mountains. His surname means ‘hare‘. Before Stalingrad, he served as a clerk in the Soviet Navy But after reading about the conflict in the city he volunteered for the front line. he served in the 1047th Rifle Regiment. Zaytsev ran a sniper school in the Metiz factory. The cadets he trained were called Zaichata, meaning ‘Leverets’ (Baby Hares). This was the start of the sniper movement in the 62nd army. It is estimated that the snipers he trained killed more than 3,000 enemy soldiers

Zaytsev himself made 242 confirmed kills between October 1942 and January 1943, but the real number is probably closer to 500. I know I said there was no counter-sniper, but there was Erwin Kónig. Was alleged to be a highly skilled Wehrmacht sniper. Zaytsev claimed in his memoirs that the duel took place over a period of three days in the ruins of Stalingrad. Details of what actually happened are sketchy, but by the end of the three day period Zaytsev had killed the sniper and claimed his scope to be his most prized trophy. For him to make this his most prized trophy means that this person he killed must have been almost as good as Zaytsev himself.

Just paying the bills...

Lyudmila Pavlichenko

July 12, 1916 – October 10, 1974

309 Confirmed Kills

In June 1941, Pavlichenko was 24 and Nazi Germany were invading the Soviet Union. She was among the first volunteers and asked to join the infantry. she was assigned to the Red Armies 25th infantry Division. From there she became one of 2000 female snipers of the soviet.

Her first 2 kills were made near Belyayevka using a Mosin-Nagant bolt action rifle with a P.E. 4-power scope. The first action she saw was during the conflict in Odessa. She was there for 2 and a half months and notched 187 kills. When they were forced to relocate, she spent the next 8 months fighting in Sevastopol on the Crimean Peninsula. There she recorded 257 kills and for this feat she was cited by the Southern Army Council. Pavlichenkos’ total confirmed kills during WW2 was 309. 36 of those were enemy snipers.

Corporal Francis Pegahmagabow

March 9, 1891 – August 5, 1952

378 Confirmed kills
300+ Captures

Three times awarded the military medal and twice seriously wounded, he was an expert marksman and scout, credited with 378 German kills and capturing 300+ more. He was an Ojibwa warrior with the Canadians in battles like those at mount sorrel. As if killing nearly 400 Germans wasn’t enough, he was also awarded medals for running messages through very heavy enemy fire, for directing a crucial relief effort when his commanding officer was incapacitated and for running through enemy fire to get more ammo when his unit was running low.

Though a hero among his fellow soldier, he was virtually forgotten once he returned home to Canada. Regardless he was one of the most affective snipers of world war 1.

Adelbert F. Waldron

March 14, 1933 – October 18, 1995

109 confirmed kills

He holds the record for the highest number of confirmed kills for any American sniper in history. However it is not just his impressive kill record that makes him one of the best, but also his incredible accuracy.

This excerpt from ‘Inside the Crosshairs: Snipers in Vietnam’ by Col. Michael Lee Lanning, describes just what I’m talking about:

“One afternoon he was riding along the Mekong River on a Tango boat when an enemy sniper on shore pecked away at the boat. While everyone else on board strained to find the antagonist, who was firing from the shoreline over 900 meters away, Sergeant Waldron took up his sniper rifle and picked off the Vietcong out of the top of a coconut tree with one shot (this from a moving platform). Such was the capability of our best sniper.” Nuff Said.

If there was a scale of difficulty for shots like these, it would be next to impossible to beat. well lets try to do that anyway.

Here’s ‘white feather’….

Carlos Norman Hathcock II

May 20, 1942 – February 23, 1999

Nicknamed ‘Lông Trung du Kich’ (‘White Feather Sniper’)

93 Confirmed kills

Hathcock has one of the most impressive mission records of any sniper in the Marine corps. Lets forget about the dozens of shooting championships he won, during the Vietnam war he amassed 93 confirmed kills. The Vietnam army put a $30,000 bounty on his life for killing so many of their men. Rewards put on U.S. snipers by the NVA (North Vietnamese Army) typically amounted to….say $8.

It was Hathcock who fired the most famous shot in sniper history. He fired a round, over a very long distance, which went through the scope of an enemy sniper, hit him in the eye, and killed him. Hathcock and Roland Burke his spotter were stalking the enemy sniper, (which had already killed several Marines) which they believed was sent to kill him specifically. When Hathcock saw a flash of light reflecting off the enemies scope he fired at it in a split second pulling off one of the most precise shots in history. Hathcock reasoned that the only way that this was possible, would have been if both snipers were aiming at each others scopes at the same time, and he fired first. However, although the distance was never confirmed, Hathcock knew that because of the flight time, it would have been easy for both snipers to kill each other. The white feather was synonymous with Hathcock (He kept one in his hat) and he removed it only once for a mission. Keep in mind that he volunteered for this mission, but he had to crawl over 1500 yards of enemy territory to shoot an NVA commanding general. Information wasn’t sent until he was on-route. (He volunteered for a mission he knew nothing about) It took 4 days and 3 nights without sleep of inch-by-inch crawling. One enemy soldier almost stepped on him as he laid camouflaged in a meadow. At another point he was nearly bitten by a viper, he didn’t flinch. He finally got into position and waited for the general. When he arrived Hathcock was ready. He fired one round and hit the general through the chest killing him. The soldiers started a search for the sniper and Hathcock had to crawl back to avoid detection. They never caught him. Nerves of steel.

Simo Häyhä

December 17, 1905 – April 1, 2002

Nicknamed ‘The White Death’

705 confirmed kills (505 with rifle, 200 with submachine gun)

Was a Finnish soldier who, using an iron sighted bolt action rifle, amassed the highest recorded confirmed kills as a sniper in any war…ever!!

Häyhä was born in the municipality of Rautjärvi near the present-day border of Finland and Russia, and started his military service in 1925. His duties as a sniper began during the ‘winter war’ (1939-1940) between Russia and Finland. During the conflict Häyhä endured freezing temperatures up to -40 degrees Celsius. In less than 100 days he was credited with 505 confirmed kills, 542 if including unconfirmed kills, however the unofficial frontline figures from the battlefield places the number of sniper kills at over 800. Besides his sniper kills he was also credited with 200 from a Suomi KP/31 Submachine gun, topping off his total confirmed kills at 705.

How Häyhä did all this was amazing. He was basically on his own all day, in the snow, shooting Russians, for 3 months straight. Of course when the Russians caught wind that a shit load of soldiers were being killed, they thought ‘well this is war, there’s bound to be casualties’. But when the generals were told that it was one man with a rifle they decided to take a bit of action. first they sent in a counter-sniper. When his body was returned they decided to send in a team of counter-snipers. When they didn’t come back at all they sent in a whole goddamn battalion. They took casualties and couldn’t find him. Eventually they ordered an artillery strike, but to no avail. You see Häyhä was clever, and this was his neck of the woods. He dressed completely in white camouflage. He used a smaller rifle to suit his smaller frame (being 5ft3) increasing his accuracy. he used an iron sight to present the smallest possible target (a scoped sight would require the sniper to raise his head for sighting). He compacted the snow in front of the barrel, so as not to disturb it when he shot thus revealing his position. He also kept snow in his mouth so his breath did not condense and reveal where his was. Eventually however his was shot in the jaw by a stray bullet during combat on March 6 1940. He was picked up by his own soldiers who said half his head was missing. He didn’t die however and regained consciousness on the 13th, the day peace was declared.

Once again total kills…. 505 sniper + 200 submachine = 705 total Confirmed Kills…all in less that 100 days.

Top 10 Tips for Urban Exploration

2009-11-12T02:17:13Z

What is urban exploration, you ask? Urban exploration is the act of delving into the darker side of one’s local history, the unknown tidbits that have been obscured by fear, rumors, and time. As civilization encroaches upon nature, there is less and less to explore. Or so we assume.

As society creeps further and further into the dark corners of the woods, the untouchable expanses of desert, and uninhabitable heights of the mountains and the freezing wastelands north and south of us, society also leaves something behind. As we see trees being cut down to make way for a housing development, we also see entire city blocks abandoned, left to the vagrants and the rats. As we see freeways and bypasses carving straight lines from A to B, we leave behind those dark, winding roads, only to be traversed by the inhabitants, the explorers, and lost.

I have spent many nights with my high-beams on, rounding curves and corners only to find things I could never have expected. When you blow off the thin layer of dust, even the dullest towns have dark, twisted tales to tell. But, just as any machete-swinging Livingston wannabe needs to be prepared, so do you. Finding yourself stranded down a forgotten, uninhabited back road can be as frightening as spending the night in a jungle. You may not have to worry about jaguars, but let’s be honest: Where do you think the serial killers dump the bodies?

For those who wish to explore, I have compiled these 10 tips, to make sure you don’t end up in the river with moths in your throat (or in jail for the night. Mom ain’t gonna bail you out forever). And also: Urban exploration and paranormal investigating are not the same thing. However, they often go hand-in-hand. But paranormal investigation is done with the intention of discovering or debunking ghosts, urban exploration is done with the attempt to uncover unknown, and usually unsavory history.

Gas

Stop at a gas station, first and foremost. However much gas you have, it isn’t enough. A full tank should do it, just to be on the safe side. Unless you have been to the area before and know exactly how much you will need, assume the worst will happen. Would you rather make it back home with 3/4 of a tank, or sputter to stop in front of the abandoned farmhouse with no streetlights or neighbors nearby?

Food

Make a drive-thru run to your favorite fast food restaurant. Having something to eat will do wonders. Not only will it make you more relaxed and content, but vanishing your hunger will take care of a major distraction. When you are sitting in your car thinking Dang, I could really go for a cheeseburger, it is very easy to miss that side road to your destination. And that is a great way to take the exit ramp to the straight shot to nowhere.

Flashlights

The vast majority of urban exploration takes place after dark, when we are off work and free to roam in search of history’s lost enigmas. Let’s pretend you ignored 9 and 10. You didn’t fill up, but that is ok because- Damn, you are hungry, you could really use a cheeseburger- you know exactly where you’re going. Cut to an hour later, and you haven’t seen hide nor hair of Turnhere Rd. Oh well, why don’t you just turn around? Hmm, the car seems to be sighing at the tardiness of this suggestion. Wait a minute… it wasn’t sighing, it sputtered and died. But, you brought a flashlight with extra batteries so you aren’t completely screwed. At least you will SEE the serial killer.

Bring a friend

This person will be your navigator. You will most likely be driving down windy lanes or derelict neighborhoods, and need to concentrate on where you are going and what is on the road ahead. You never know when a deer or hobo is going to sprint in front of your car. Plus, the extra set of eyes can keep an eye out for turns and hazards, and if one of you gets sleepy, the other can take over driving. Teamwork is awesome.

Stick to familiar areas

But isn’t the point of urban exploration to go where you haven’t been before and discover new things? Yes. BUT, a good sense of direction is key. I am very familiar with my county and those surrounding it. If I got lost, I would be able to very easily find a road or town from which I can find my way home. But if I were to drive to another state, I wouldn’t be able to navigate my way to something familiar, as there is nothing familiar. Situations like these are the worst. It is one thing when you can’t find your destination, a whole other thing when you can’t even give up and go home.

Just paying the bills...

Avoid trespassing

Not exactly easy, but it would be wise to steer clear of private property and condemned buildings. Getting carted off to jail would be a major damper on the night. Also, condemned buildings are condemned for a reason. That hole in second story’s floor isn’t an invisible floor for viewing what lies below, it’s a frigging hole. And if you fall through it, going to the hospital followed by jail would be a much bigger damper on the night. Alas, many of the most interesting places are off limits. If not going simply isn’t an option, try to get the owner’s permission. If you must sneak in, go knowing that you do so at your own risk. I personally avoid trespassing, and do not condone it in anyway.

Invest in a TomTom

Or at least have a good sense of direction. Maps are good too, but may be outdated and won’t list a lot of smaller or unmarked back roads. A GPS navigation system is a useful product to have, and will alleviate much of your stress for item 3.

Expect to get lost

Hopefully when you set out, you are very confident in your ability to get to where you want to go. Confidence is good. But, don’t stake all your claims in confidence. Prepare to get lost. This brings us full circle back to item 10. More than enough gas leaves room for error. Eat beforehand, it may be awhile before that opportunity arises again. Look at road names and addresses as you go. Maybe later, you will recognize a road and remember where it leads. Country roads are windy, and will curve in ridiculous ways. When you are lost, you may recognize the road name you saw on the county highway, and can follow it back. Road signs are your bread crumbs. And in city neighborhoods, pay attention to one-way streets and ‘no outlet signs’. This will prevent hassle when trying to navigate the tight corridors, and will make it easier to give that nosy cop the slip.

Charge your cell phone

Many things can go wrong, but at least you can call for help if you need to. Not if your phone dies, sucker. Keep it on the charger long enough to charge it to full battery. Use it sparingly during the trip. Not only is talking and texting while driving dangerous (doubled by it being night time and by being on unfamiliar turf), but this will wear down the battery. You can sacrifice a couple lol’s for that 911 call later.

Bring your spare keys

And keep them on your person, in a tight or deep pocket that they won’t fall out of. The feeling of you stomach dropping out your backside when you realize that you locked your keys in your car is almost as bad as locking your keys in your car. Or if you trip or run, and one set gets lost, you have the other. Come back tomorrow in the daylight, when you actually have a shot at finding them. And remember: On a dark, lonely night, when you are stranded and waiting on help from forever away, the only thing worse than having to wait in your car alone is having to wait outside your car alone.

Bonus

Bring a camera

Document your findings, maybe you have really found something! Urban exploration can be a very fun experience, and documenting the night’s events keep the memories alive for a long time. Then maybe your kids can pile into a car and take off to find their own mysteries.

Apology From JFrater

2009-11-11T22:04:18Z

This is to say that I am sorry for publishing the list on mass murders. I should have been more thorough in my checking of the numbers and I should have followed my first instinct (which normally I do) regarding the especially controversial subject matter. We have in the past had a “your view” on the same topic and it was no where near as controversial as today’s list was.

I value the majority opinion of the readers here, and it is for that reason that the list is now removed. The majority of people were extremely unhappy with the list so it is now gone. I am sorry to those of you who were commenting when the list vanished – there is no way for me to remove a list without that risk.

In closing, I would just like to repeat: I am sorry.

Just paying the bills...