The Laughing Stork

How Many of Us Feel Come Sunday

The Laughing Stork — Sun, 21 Feb 2021 16:09:04 +0000

Anatomy of a Mom’s Brain While Driving

Candy Kirby — Wed, 20 Jan 2021 19:59:03 +0000

Finally! Scientists have been able to identify what, exactly, is on the mind of a mom while she’s behind the wheel…

Top 10 Ways Babies Resemble Drunk College Students

Candy Kirby — Sat, 16 Jan 2021 21:10:33 +0000

(Not that I know anything about being a drunk college student. *Ahem*)

10. They have no problem passing out in strange places.

9. Bulk up by indulging in frequent late-night feedings.

8. Embarrassing lack of coordination.

7. Often regurgitate/spit up all over you if they drink too much.

6. Takes little-to-no encouragement to get them to lift up their shirts.

5. Have problems focusing their eyes.

4. Able to chug without taking a breath for impressive amount of time.

3. Responsive to people talking to them like a baby.

2. Woeful bladder control.

1. Blissfully unaware of people posting pictures of them looking drunk on the Internet.

Texts from My Cats

Candy Kirby — Tue, 22 Dec 2020 22:11:26 +0000

It’s the question every kitty parent asks herself at some point: Are my cats mature enough — and responsible enough — to have their own cell phone? Well, Mr. Candy and I finally caved to the cats’ increasingly adamant demands and bought them a joint phone, in hopes that learning how to share such a device will also teach them how to better share their nightly Meow Mix. (Yeah, right.)

I’ve decided to share the texts I receive from those crazy cats (lack of opposable thumbs, be damned!) in a column I’ve creatively named, “Texts from My Cats.” Here is the first of many:

The Laughing Stork Launches “Mom Libs!”

Candy Kirby — Fri, 24 May 2019 20:59:27 +0000

Because, after all, who’s better at trying to fill in the blanks than moms…?

“BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT” MAD LIB:

“A LETTER FROM YOUR CHILD’S PRESCHOOL TEACHER” MAD LIB:

Thankful for Bottomless Mashed Potatoes & No “Turkey on the Shelf”

Candy Kirby — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 19:06:17 +0000

So excited! Thanksgiving may just be my favorite holiday. No Elf on the Shelf causing me undue stress, no bunny or old man breaking-and-entering our house, no kids changing their minds about their costumes every nine minutes… just a time to be thankful for family, bottomless mashed potatoes, gravy oozing from my pores, and my old maternity pants. Hope everyone has a great holiday!

-Candy (who’s making a not-so-dramatic return to writing on The Laughing Stork next week, once I kayak my way out of the mashed potatoes)

10 Signs You’ve Eaten Too Much on Thanksgiving

Candy Kirby — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 10:42:47 +0000

10. After dinner, you are forced to slip on your (or your friend’s) old maternity pants.

9. Your old maternity pants don’t fit.

8. You lie down to take a little nap and wake up in mid-August.

7. You find yourself using the phrase, “I really shouldn’t, but…”

6. You eat all of the leftovers. On Thanksgiving.

5. Your toddler asks if you’re pregnant again.

4. Getting up from the couch requires the assistance of the local fire department.

3. Actual gravy is oozing from your pores.

2. The Macy’s Parade staff keeps trying to hitch you to the front of a float.

1. You look like this:

Lucy and the rest of our zoo wish everyone a happy, excessive amounts of food-filled holiday! To those who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, we wish you a happy, excessive amounts of food-filled day.

My Guide to Embarrassing Your Children on Thanksgiving

Candy Kirby — Thu, 23 Nov 2017 07:13:26 +0000

Because the only thing more fun than gorging ourselves this holiday, is making our kids groan with embarrassment and throw us an exasperated eye-roll…

1. DO wear a ridiculous turkey sweater.

2. And accessorize it with roasted turkey earrings.

3. DO tell corny jokes over Thanksgiving dinner:

4. And unbutton your pants to release the monstrosity that is your overstuffed stomach afterward. (Lie on the couch and moan in pain for good measure.)

5. DO cap off the festivities with a rousing family rendition of “The Turkey Song”:

Sung to: “I’m a Little Teapot”

I’m a little turkey
Short and fat
Thanksgiving Day is coming
Now what do you think of that ?
I had better run as fast as I can
Or your mommy will roast me in a pan!

How Moms Are Like Thanksgiving Turkeys

Candy Kirby — Tue, 21 Nov 2017 00:32:33 +0000

It’s almost that glorious time of year when we gorge ourselves and give thanks for elastic waistband pants! And there comes a moment on every Thanksgiving when moms can’t help but put an arm around the turkey and whisper, You and I are totally sympatico, dude. …No? That’s just me? Well, perhaps after reading my list of similarities, you’ll feel more inclined to share a beer with your turkey this year, too.