Happy Birthday to yooouuu…

Happy Birthday to yooouuu….!

This dead clown will haunt you…

And your dreams, too!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOMMY!

[Source]

Remember when we moved into this complex three years ago?  We were all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, excited to have bought these brand spankin’ new townhouses with their gorgeous views of the Hollywood Hills.  It kind of felt like we were moving into a dorm, didn’t it, as we moved in at the same time?  Only instead of beer pong, we played the “How Quickly Can Our Townhomes Fall Apart?” game.  Pretty quickly, as it turned out!  The faulty sewer caused our toilets to overflow and ruin our new hardwood floors.  The moisture led to mold behind our walls, which had to be torn down.  Our loft floors were inexplicably uneven.  We lived in a state of repair indefinitely.  In fact, we became so close to the workmen that one of you named your dog after the foreman.  Little Darryl the Chihuahua will forever remind me of moldy walls.  And sewers.  Awwwww.

Oh, what fun we had commiserating about our home-owning woes…!  And that was before we even realized we had bought at the top of the real estate market, right before house prices plummeted — and before our 25-year-old neighbor who owned a Mercedes and a Lotus Esprit, yet hadn’t paid his homeowner’s dues in a year, foreclosed on his home and left town before we could collect the dues.

Yay!  Good times.

Given that we’re all probably gonna be stuck here for a while, until the market rebounds something fierce, I think you should know something:  Mr. Candy and I have had a baby.   Yes!  It’s true!   Sure, a few of you have kindly congratulated us.  However, to those who have seen us pushing a stroller around the courtyard and have not mentioned a WORD about the baby — well, we are not collecting recyclables in the stroller, if that’s what you think.  I mean, you must — because it’s kind of weird to say “hi” to us but not even acknowledge that we now have a tiny human being living with us, as several of you have done.  It’s not like we expect people to gush.  Hell, we don’t even expect complete sentences.  A simple “A baby?  Huh.” would suffice.  Because we know when it comes to children, You’re Just Not That Into Them.  Which is totally cool!  But refusing to acknowledge the baby…?  Kinda odd.

After all, everyone knows the proper protocol:  Congratulate us to our faces, then complain about hearing the baby scream in the middle of the night BEHIND OUR BACKS!

That’s what a good neighbor would do.

With much neighborly love,

Candy, Mr. Candy and Baby “I Will Not Be Ignored!” Skye

According to the man’s parents, their son’s cell phone is always switched off and he somehow always manages to avoid meeting them when he enters or leaves the house.

“Once I left 100 yuan outside his room’s door with a note asking him to call me back, and he did,” the man’s father said.

“Ever since then, we have to leave a 100-yuan note outside his door if we expect him to call us.”

Another way to get him to call…?  Change the locks on the door.

Can’t blame ‘em for selling out so quickly.  After Mel’s divorce, he’ll only be worth $425 million.  They’ve gotta scrape by somehow.

The new mom said that Mel, who has seven children (six sons and a daughter) with ex-wife Robyn, “is doting and nurturing,” and that her daughter is influencing her already.

“I’m speaking Russian and English and singing lullabies in both,” she says. “She has been an inspiration already.  I’m composing a children’s song book.”

Awwww.  It appears Lucia has been watching her dad in Bird on a Wire.  I had the same look on my face when I suffered through the film.

“The First Adventures of Incredible You” Book

Okay, we get it already.  Sam…?  Not a fan of green eggs and ham.  But now it’s time to move on to a book exploring a character with a much more dynamic life and, hopefully, fewer food hangups:  your own child.

Add a personalized touch to the literary collection of your son, niece, cousin, or whomever with The First Adventures of Incredible You, a colorful, custom-made book telling the story of the child’s first several years of life.  Simply provide the requested details, such as a favorite family food and the names of playmates, on the publisher’s Web site and the hardcover book will be prepared accordingly and delivered right to the child’s door.

Even that Sam-I-Am(-A-Whiner) couldn’t find fault with a cool keepsake like that.

$32.95 plus shipping; available online at custommadeforkids.com.

This is especially true of Yahoo! Answers, where “you can ask questions on any topic and get answers from real people.” In fact, I was so impressed with the insightful questions and breadth of medical knowledge on this question-and-answer site, that I’ve decided to highlight the true gems in an ongoing column.  Here’s the latest doozy:

This is absolutely correct, folks — you CAN get your baby, and your baby’s baby, pregnant while pregnant.  That’s why it’s imperative to get in-utero birth control, such as the fetal contraceptive sponge.  Also:  a perfectly acceptable excuse not to have sex, if you’re looking for one.

“She has a big impact on what Bristol does and thinks,” Levi says. “Bristol looks up to Sarah.  I don’t know why they just don’t want me in his life.”

Oh, Levi.  Pretty, pretty Levi.

But Pretty, Pretty Levi insists he doesn’t fear Palin as he gets ready to sue for joint custody. “She ain’t nothing,” he says eloquently.  “Just because she ran for vice president and was the governor of Alaska, doesn’t intimidate me.  Sarah has no legal thing on Tripp, she’s just the grandmother.”

He adds:  “By the end of the year we’re gonna go to court for joint custody. I’m just done with it. When there’s a kid involved you ain’t walking away.”

Nope!  You walk to a Playgirl photo shoot instead.

When Levi announced his intention to sue for custody, Palin’s camp did not respond to requests for comment. But her lawyer, Thomas Van Flein, told Britain’s The Guardian, “Other than noting that Tripp’s father is always welcome to visit his son, we are unable to respond to these allegations as it is inappropriate to discuss child custody matters publicly.”

Inappropriate until Palin launches her book tour, that is.

You just know that’s exactly what Victoria Beckham is doing right now.

[via Vogue]

To them, to you, we salute you and goodbye.

Just in time for the ho-ho-ho-holidays…

Enter the coupon code TOYSHOLIDAY when you arrive at the ToysRUs.com checkout to receive $15 off $100 purchase (code must be in all-caps).