In the last few years, the big box stores have become fiercely competitive, moving store openings from 6AM the Friday after Thanksgiving to midnight and now into Thanksgiving evening itself, a move that seems only inevitable.

By next year, that traditional holiday song we have grown up with may be rewritten into: “Over the freeway and through the sound barrier walls to big boxes we go.”

But the Journal of American Rocket Science has discovered that a conclave of Catholic church hierarchy deliberated as to what to do about the constant criticism of lack of transparency.  Finally, one prelate came up with a solution: the answer to lack of transparency is glass, a lot of it. When they learned of the Crystal Cathedral was up for sale, they acted with uncharacteristic quickness.

As one church spokesman commented: “That’s why we are called the Holy See.”

The first glitter rocket will soar above the Minnesota State Capitol, the scene of continued unsuccessful attempts to enact a same sex marriage legislation. In fact, the Minnesota Supreme Court was one of the first in the nation to rule on the issue of marriage between same-sex couples. The Baker v. Nelson decision (291 Minn. 310, 191 N.W.2d 185) in 1971 held that Minnesota Statutes prohibited marriages between same-sex partners. The case was appealed to the United States Supreme Court. They issued a one sentence dismissal of the appeal (409 U.S. 810, 34 L Ed 2d 65, 93 S Ct 37; October 10, 1972) that stated: “The appeal is dismissed for want of a substantial federal question.”

The latest Minnesota legislative attempt came in May 2010. Three same-sex couples filed a lawsuit in Hennepin County District Court, arguing Minnesota’s ban on marriage between same-sex partners violates due process, equal protection, and freedom of association rights. On March 7, 2011, Hennepin County District Judge Mary Dufresne rejected their argument and dismissed the lawsuit.

Hap Lesse, a high ranking Republican strategist, welcomes Gadhafi into the Republican race to lead the 2012 ticket.

The Borowitz Report for Monday, August 22, states that Col. Muammar Gaddafi’s whereabouts was resolved today as the dictator announced his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination in a town hall meeting in Concord, New Hampshire.

While some New Hampshire Republicans seemed surprised to see Col. Gaddafi shaking hands and kissing babies at the Concord town hall, an aide to the Libyan strongman said his transformation to GOP candidate made perfect sense. “In those final days in Tripoli, he was becoming increasingly disconnected from reality,” said the aide.  “So I think he’ll fit right in.”

Another important sign: others gave him high marks for his grasp of history and geography, which most agreed was stronger than Michele Bachmann’s.

The present and exiled Tibetan leader has recently announced that he will depart from tradition and step down from his holy position to find his replacement through a political process. However, according to Journal of American Rocket Science sources, Trump will claim that his recent discovery—that he was born in Tibet at the time the former Dalai Lama died—makes him the legitimate successor.

According to Tibetan tradition, the Dalai Lama as god never really dies; when he breathes his last breath, he is reincarnated as a male born at that same instant. Trump claims he—not the present Dalai Lama—is the real god of Tibet; due to a daylight savings time mixup at the time when his parents visited that country, he is the real god and leader of this holy province.

The now-reigning Dalai Lama disputes Trump’s claim, asserting this is just another Trump braggadocio move. To back up his statement, the Dalai Lama says he has a birth certificate in his possession that proves that Trump was born in Kenya.

Meanwhile, Trump is moving ahead with his plans to lead Tibet and is moving construction crews to the fabled Potala Palace high up in the Himalayan capitol for a massive renovation project. “What a big-ass casino-hotel this will be,” claims Trump, which he says he will rename “Hello Dalai.” Trump adds: “Those monks have lived up there on nothing but prayer, so they will be ideal minimum wage waiters and casino helpers.”

That staid academic field, dominated for centuries by pompous intellectuals, whose writing intended to keep art history safe from the public domain, is now seeking a role in the marketplace. Art history departments are looking for writers who know how to connect with the public with marketable phrases and descriptions.

If you are a wine critic, you can place yourself with the top wage earners in the field of art history, because your descriptions of wine on vineyard websites have the requisite snob appeal upon which art history depends, with enticing descriptions that cause wine aficionados to pull out their credit cards and order cases of wine suggested by you. And if you are not a wine critic, The Journal of American Rocket Science can teach you!

Here is an example: One of our enrollees was placed in an Ivy League art history department with the following description of Michelangelo’s David, a 17-foot-tall marble male nude that was installed in Florence’s public square in 1504. “The year 1504 came in a succession of vintage years for Michelangelo, an appellation which made the Italian sculptor famous for centuries. This statue’s vertical accents combine with a suppleness and power, which can be enjoyed with charcuterie, subtly-rounded burgundies, and red fruit. The sculptor produced graceful, concentrated notes which offer balance and a complex potential for aging, shone well with a prominent nose and a mineral finish.”

Don’t wait any longer—call The Journal of American Rocket Science today!

Highly classified documents within the U.S. State Department obtained by The Journal of American Rocket Science reveal that Libya’s Muammar Ghaddafi, Hosni Mubarek of Eygpt, Laurent Ghagbo of the Ivory Coast, Ali Abdullah Seleh of Yemen, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and John Edwards of South Carolina have publically postured themselves as defiant, but are secretly anxious to learn new job skills in unassuming occupations without the stress of running third world governments.

Hosni Mubarek, for example, wants to parlay his recently acquired past-time of playing solitaire into becoming a black jack dealer in Las Vegas. “It’s the weather I am used to,” Mubarek says, “And the replicas of Luxor and the Sphinx will remind me of home.” The Libyan colonel, Muammar Ghaddafi, has constantly exhorted how he is dedicated to serving and taking orders from his people. Working as a restaurant server—preferably at a restaurant that requires its personnel to wear costumes—and taking orders from diners is his new dream.

What is standing in their way are the neighbors living around the Job Corps Center who are adamant to stop this expansion. And they have ammunition—in another sense of that word. The Job Corps site requirements include guard towers at the parking lot entrances, which these leaders claim is the only safe way of entering a site they are used to, and oversized parking spaces for their stretch jeeps and limos. However, Saint Paul zoning regulations require these non-conforming items to pass variance approvals from the neighborhood, and such mandates seem unlikely at this time.

U.S. government officials have stated getting these despots away from the trouble spots that have created will improve world security, which is a much more important need for world peace than the miscellaneous property issues of the neighborhood.