The Jennifer Diaries, 1978-1992

Dear Readers

2013-03-05T18:24:00.002-08:00

Please enjoy the diary entries and old photos on this blog about a latchkey kid growing up in the seventies. With parents divorced, Jennifer grew up in California, Colorado, Alaska, and Minnesota. Jennifer made a new set of friends every time she moved, but the pets in her life were constant (at least until they died.)

Today Jennifer is a children's book author. She writes fantasy fiction and her characters range from princesses, to pets, to flying horses. She is married and living with her husband, three children, three horses, three dogs, and three cats in Northern California. She is living her dream exactly as she predicted she would in her diaries when she was a child.

The revelation of the "Jennifer Diaries" is not complete, but it is on hiatus while Jennifer writes her Winged Herds middle-grade book series for HarperCollins.

Thank you for visiting and I hope you enjoy this time capsule into the past.

Jennifer

P.S. I get asked a lot why I write about myself in third person in this blog. It's because dissecting the diaries is happy, sad, painful, and just plain easier when I disassociate myself from it. But I am Jennifer. I am the Diaries.

Please visit my other blogs:

The Jennifer (Author) Diaries

The Jennifer (Recession) Diaries

A few photos from this blog:

The Drano Incident

2011-07-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm back! I have good news and bad news. I haven't been writing too much because the photos I have of Jennifer stopped around age 12 or 13 and picked up again around age 21. I could not continue writing until I found the missing photos.

I ransacked the closet where I discovered the diaries--not there. Well, the photos were retrieved from some barn rafters in June and given to me! The photos span from about 1984 to 1990 (ages 14-20). They also include photographs from Jennifer's trip to Germany as an exchange student. I feel like I struck gold!

The bad news is that I can't post any of the new photos today. My main computer has crashed. My scanner is not attached to the laptop so I will have to wait to scan photos. I'm going to post an entry today, sans photos, just to get started again.

Jennifer is writing multiple times a day at this point. There is a lot of material to sift through. I'm doing my best to maintain a storyline of events. Jennifer is heading toward a pivotal moment in her life...I will try to capture the tension as it builds in her life.

September 27, 1985--"I get disappointed pretty easily. Whenever I get disappointed, I start thinking, 'Is life worth it?'. Anyway, just now I asked my parents if I could ride my bike around Fox Forest for about 10 minutes. It's only 10:00pm but they said no because it's too late. I was really counting on going, I had my train of thought set on it. I was sure that I could go but they said 'no' and it's like I have to readjust and it's disappointing.

I let myself hope for things, really hope, like hoping I would get a horse or get a puppy for my birthday, and I fully believe it will happen. I realize it might not but then I get very disappointed when it really doesn't happen. I guess I like to let myself hope. I like to set my heart upon something. Emotions can be very powerful, even disappointment.

I almost love to cry deep and hard and I love to feel incredible anger sometimes (not frustrated anger though). I like to feel the power of hate, the power of depression, the power of suicide and the existence afterward. Whenever I feel strong emotions, I realize the power in me. I always feel more important and that nothing can stop me.

I used to think of suicide all the time--a way to easily solve problems. When Muffin died, I almost tried to kill myself. I tried mixing liquid Drano and ammonia and drinking it. I couldn't get the lid off the Drano, never did either. After five minutes of trying, I decided not to kill myself.

When things were going wrong, I would think about suicide. Almost every morning, I would wake up and I'd want to stay in bed and not put my feet on the cold floor. Sometimes I didn't get up and I stayed home from school and, a lot of times, I wanted to die just so I could stay in bed.

Nowadays I wouldn't kill myself for a few reasons.

1) It's a selfish thing to do. All the money and trouble Mom, Dad and my family went through for me would be wasted. Plus, it might ruin my mom.

2) Cocoa would be all alone in the world. She is one of my first concerns. If I were to die, she would not have a good friend anymore, she'd be left hanging. I couldn't do that to my baby.

3) All I've done so far in my life would be wasted. All those mornings I did get out of bed would be wasted. I'd probably have to start all over again in a new life. Plus, I wouldn't be a survivor if I killed myself. You don't see animals killing themselves. To be successful in this world, you have to survive by your people's code. Suicide is not in that code. Feelings can be suppressed and you must survive. I think that if you don't survive, you have to live life again and I wouldn't wish that on myself.

4) Once, a long time ago, Mom or someone else told me that people who killed themselves were sent to hell and were despised by God. Well, when I heard that I did believe in God so it made an impact on me. But even now that I don't believe in any God, I still have a fear that only bad will come of suicide.

So from now on, I might think of suicide, but I will never do it because that would be losing and I like to win. Even if my whole life went down the drain, I have decided that I will not kill myself. I have made this decision after years of torment and no matter what, I will stick by it, by the Oath of Ophelia, by my word and honor, I will survive. I will live."

Four months after this entry--Jennifer will eat these words.

Heads up parents--I believe that making a pact NOT to kill yourself IS just as bad as making a pact TO kill yourself. It's a warning sign!!

The following information was taken from the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website.

What Are The Warning Signs For Suicide?

Seek help as soon as possible by contacting a mental health professional or by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK if you or someone you know exhibits any of the following signs:

Threatening to hurt or kill oneself or talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself
Looking for ways to kill oneself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means
Talking or writing about death, dying, or suicide when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person
Feeling hopeless
Feeling rage or uncontrolled anger or seeking revenge
Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities - seemingly without thinking
Feeling trapped - like there's no way out
Increasing alcohol or drug use
Withdrawing from friends, family, and society
Feeling anxious, agitated, or unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
Experiencing dramatic mood changes
Seeing no reason for living or having no sense of purpose in life

I have compassion for Jen--but I get the biggest kick out of her too. Her suicide attempt was thwarted by a childproof cap! (Muffin died right after she moved to Alaska--Jen was 12 at the time of the Drano incident.)

Talk about frustrating--Jennifer was upset enough to want to kill herself but she spent so much energy trying to get the top off the bottle that the mood passed. Drano could advertise this fact--"Our childproof packaging is so complicated that suicidal teens often decide they would rather live than drink our product!"

I'd say that cap served it's purpose, Drano--1, Jennifer--0.

Click here to read the entry from 1983 where Jennifer writes about Muffin's death.

Power Trip

2010-11-22T11:14:00.000-08:00

27 September, 1985 "I like power. I read somewhere that wanting power is a reflection of your own insecurities, so I guess I'm insecure. I don't want power like Hitler had or the power of the president. I'd like to have ESP and telepathy etc. I'd like to feel the power inside of me. I'd like to control the wind and fire and people's minds. In a way, I'd like the power that pain has. Some kid got his nose shattered and he just laid on the ground quivering uncontrollably with pain. When I heard that, I thought, "Wow, what power pain has, to do that." Sometimes when I'm in pain, I almost revel in the power it has.

I don't want to rule the world or anything but I just find the power of some things incredible. I'd like to have the wind under my control, I'd like to point my finger and have the wind go where I point. I guess I like to control powerful things. That might be one reason why I ride horses, because of the power I have over those large animals. I also love doberman's, probably because I'd be interesting to control them.You see?

I don't really like the fact that I'm like this. I've been trying to avoid the issue with myself but I have to be honest about it sometime. I like to control things more powerful than I. I had a very insecure childhood. I didn't stop using my security blanket till I was thirteen and I wet the bed until I was seven."

It doesn't take Freud to see what's going on here! Jennifer feels powerless and she wants control. She describes her childhood as one in which the rug was constantly pulled from under her feet. Without warning, she would move to another state. Without warning, pets were sold or given away. Sometimes she only had a few weeks notice that she was about to lose everything--AGAIN.

In every new home, she tried to settle down. She joined sports teams, made friends, unpacked into a new bedroom and bought new pets. She always thought she was moving to her forever home. She never saw the next move coming.

But it came anyway.

On top of this, her body changed without her permission. Her hormones raged. She had adult feelings but she was immature. She didn't believe in any higher power. All of it led to her sense of powerlessness. I think this is common in teens in general.

I don't think it's an accident that this boy is the most popular teenager on Earth.

Harry Potter

Does he need an introduction??

The skill of the author propelled his skyrocket to fame, but his story fueled the journey. The opening image of a humble, orphaned boy living in a cupboard under the stairs is compelling enough. I remember how drawn I was to this helpless creature from the opening pages. I related to him. Out of place, unwanted, unheard, powerless--a lot of us can relate, a lot of teens can relate.

Harry is us, only better! He soon learns that he has magical powers. He's special. He goes to a magical high school to learn how to control his powers. Of course the real lessons he learns aren't about potions and spells--they are about family, friendship and the power of love.

This story is ancient and new. Book after book, movie after movie, portray "average", powerless people coming into superpowers (Spiderman), or discovering they are royalty (the Princess Diaries), or that they are demi-gods (The Lightening Thief) or they get turned into immortals (Twilight). The more average or insecure the character, the more exciting the makeover!

Alas, most of us don't get bitten by radioactive spiders, or handsome vampires! Their stories captivate--but we leave the theater as non-magical as we were when we entered it. The desire lived in Jennifer to control her world, to be God. Considering her immaturity, (and curiosity about pain) it's probably good she did not discover magical powers in herself! In fact, I barely trust teens to drive, let alone to control superpowers!

Anyway, Jennifer remained wholly human. She daydreamed about controlling people's minds but struggled to control her own. Oddly enough, she was eventually rescued by a supernatural being. Truth is stranger than fiction! The only thing that alleviated her insecurity and made sense out of her world, was God.

At age 17, Jennifer came to believe. She turned her life over to the care of her higher power, whom she calls God. She discovered her own royal lineage as His child. Since then, she has felt the power of the Holy Spirit. She has witnessed miracles. She has been guarded by angels.

She still looks like the same boring gal--but she doesn't feel powerless anymore. She still struggles with her human "issues" but she has eternal hope (and help). She knows that her body will fail, but her spirit is immortal. She doesn't control the wind, but her Father does. She has become a demi-god, an immortal, a royal princess!

(Trust me, I know how this sounds to non-believers--having been one myself! Jennifer has lived her life with God and without--the difference is quantifiable to her. Faith will never be reached through the intellect. It's a "leap". Some things have to be believed to be seen...)

I have said before that I believe everyone is a seeker. A seeker is someone who seeks higher truth, spiritual meaning, a higher order. I've said before, most of us believe SOMETHING about the world and the meaning of life. Jennifer was a seeker. She found God. The difference between her and Harry Potter is that EVERYONE can access God but not EVERYONE will get a letter from an owl...

Harry was a seeker too :')

Physical Education

2010-11-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

My son is currently sewing a scarf in P.E. Does that seem random or what? Well, his teacher actually won the Teacher of the Year Award for our district. I have to remember, and I have to remind my son, that P.E. in 7th grade is an academic class. It is letter graded. There is homework and papers and research and quizzes. The sports and activities are the "lab work". This is where they apply what they are learning but it's not all about the sports!

His class is doing an entire unit on the soccer World Cup. His teacher broke all the classes into teams representing different countries. Nick is on team Italy. Each player is sewing a scarf to represent their "country". I think this is pretty cool. Nick is enjoying it too and he didn't think he would.

However, he's not happy with his team. The teacher chose the teams. I was glad to hear that. It's awkward when the kids choose--we all know how that story ends. I don't know if she avoided the hurt feelings though. As she called out the teams, my son and other kids grumbled out loud about her choices. Nick accused her of stacking the teams because he ended up with non-athletes and another team ended up with almost all athletes. While Nick's teammates are probably grateful to have him, a competitive soccer player, on their World Cup team, he's not too thrilled to have them. I hope his teammates weren't hurt by his obvious and vocal disappointment!

P.E. may be more academic than it once was....but the kids haven't changed...

27, September 1985 "Yesterday in P.E., Mr. L split me up from my team and put me on another one. One of the guys said, "You're not on our team." I said, "I am now." And he goes, "oh," like he was mad and I was some kind of burden. I felt so bad. Plus, a lot of "in" people were on the team and I didn't feel like I fit in.

This one guy, Stenzel, is the team leader and "everyone" thinks he's so cool which made me instantly hate him. He's a dumb ex-football player and he always has his tongue sticking out and a glint of stupidity in his eye.

Anyway right at the beginning of the game, I got hit so hard with the soccer ball in my face that I couldn't even feel my nose. So I went to the locker room with the sympathy of my friends on the other team. My nose was swollen a little. I thought that it might be broken (it's not). But I started crying, not because of the pain but because of the team's rejection toward me. I imagined them laughing at my injury and thinking that I was a wimp.

A few minutes later, I went back into the gym. A few years ago, I would have done anything except go back. I rejoined my team. I smiled widely to my friends so that they, and everyone else, could see that I was okay and not embarrassed. No one on my team said anything except one guy asked if I was okay. I said, "Yeah." I felt like I had something to prove now. I felt that I better play good so they'll have no more reason to think I'm a burden and to sneer at me.

When the game started, I was surprised at how well I played. I felt sure that I would totally goof up and make a fool of myself. Instead, I made a goal! I did some great passes and kicks and I even stole the ball away from the "big guys" on the other team. Anyway, I'm glad my old soccer skills came through for me.

Today I'm not playing because I'm sick of P.E. It's Friday and I thought I looked good this morning and I didn't want to mess it up. I hope my team has more respect for me now. I don't care if they're friends or not, I just want them to know that I'm a benefit, not a burden."

Jennifer playing rec soccer in Foster City, Ca!

Poor Jen! Do you see what I see? She made an excuse not to go back to P.E. As a mother, I wish she had gone back and kept playing hard. Nobody at her high school even knew her yet. She could have made some friends on that team.

Jennifer did everything right on the 27th. She took a blow, retreated and then came back and scored a goal! Usually that's the END of the movie!! She should have ridden that wave into the sunset...into happily ever after!

Instead, she quit. This is Jennifer's perfectionism. She didn't think she could repeat her athletic performance. Often when she succeeded, she became overwhelmed with the pressure to succeed again. It's the classic, Fear of Failure.

Going back to P.E. in general, the school gym is often either your best friend or your worst enemy. It was her worst enemy. The classroom is the same way. For some kids, the classroom is torture. For some kids, P.E. is the only class where they get to shine.

Jennifer had become a straight A student. The sight of rows of desks, class expectations written neatly on the board, blank notebooks waiting to be filled and shiny new textbooks thrilled her. She walked into every classroom with a sense of excitement and confidence. She was in complete control. She had no compassion for the moaners sitting in the back of the class. She was irritated when the teacher called on kids and they didn't know the answers. She had no compassion for anyone who thought that writing a ten page essay was "hard".

She didn't know that, for the moaners, this was their gym class. The classroom was the place where they lacked confidence. They weren't thrilled to see that quizzes and tests would count for 40% of their grade, they weren't already deciding what they would write their final essay on, they weren't smelling the textbooks, they weren't admiring all the blank college-ruled paper in their notebooks! They dreaded being called on by the teacher as much as Jennifer dreaded being called on by the P.E. teacher. They were probably plenty smart enough to do well in school, they just got a bad break somewhere in life.

At the school gym, Jennifer became the moaner in the back. She was the one who hated the smell, the uniform, the squeaking of tennis shoes, the echo of the basketball. She was the one cutting class and putting out half an effort. Jennifer was athletic enough, just not confident enough. She could do her own thing in the classroom, but in the gym, she had to work with others. She also had to perform in front of her peers and that stressed her out. She hated making visible mistakes. I'm sure the kids who didn't know the answers in class, felt just as stupid and miserable and embarrassed as she did in the gym.

Jennifer did not look at the bright side. At least she shined somewhere in school!

Where did you shine?

Knock Talk

2010-10-22T14:47:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a gap in Jennifer's diaries. The entry on October 23, 1985 was the last official entry addressed to Ophelia.

Jennifer drew this picture of Ophelia when she was around 11 years old

After four years of writing to Ophelia, Jennifer grew out of her. She adopted the adult form of diary keeping which we call, journaling. She began to write in spiral notebooks. Jennifer will swing back and forth over the years between writing in journals to writing in diaries. However, she will never again write to Ophelia.

I will cover Jennifer's journal entries for awhile now. They describe her increasing confusion, loneliness, anxiety, stress and hope!

24, September 1985--"Today in English I accidentally wrote on my white pants with blue ink while I was listening to my teacher. I do that a lot when I'm concentrating, I doodle on my papers and stuff. Well, just now, I told my mom about it thinking we could have a laugh about it and she didn't believe me! God, she didn't believe me! At first, I couldn't even believe that she didn't believe me. She thinks I deliberately wrote on them or something. Well that just hurts me that she thinks I'm trying to cover up for writing on my pants and she thinks I would actually do that purposefully. Why would I write on my own pants? I didn't even realize it 'till later. I'm crying."

24, September 1985--"I want to create a world. I want it to exist. I'm working on the language now. The land will be called Masel. I wish it could exist but first, I have to get over my fear of writing. It's like I'm afraid to write cause I'm afraid of doing a bad job and disappointing myself and other people who have told me I'm a good writer. I've started a book about a band of wild horses living on an uninhabited island. But because of my fear of writing, I'm afraid I may not finish. I also have a fear of writing poems. God, I hate it. I wish I loved doing it. I always love it once I finish. For myself, I've go to finish this book. Then I want to write one about the land of Masel, an island built on poems, shorts stories and humpback whale songs. I love the idea but I hope I can write it." (Jennifer did not finish these books--but she has completed three novels since!).

25 September 1985--"For some people it's easy to be outgoing and friendly, but for me, it's like I have to work at it. When I first meet people, I'm almost always shy and I don't know what to say and I get nervous. I guess I'm not very good at interacting with people. But once I know a lot of people, like in Alaska and California, it's like I'm much more confident and much more outgoing plus, I laugh a lot. I hope I start meeting people here soon but Jen and Amy don't seem to have a lot of other friends like Cheri and Katie did. Once I become a candy-striper and go to German camp, then maybe I'll make more friends. If John really does like me then maybe I'll meet more people through him. I've decided I like him but I'm not sure that he still likes me. Maybe I was just a new face. I hope he does. I've been told that I have a nice smile but I don't think people are drawn to me." (It's true, people aren't generally drawn to introverts.)

26 September 1985--"I was reading in my textbook about Buddhism and I realized that the Eightfold Way is a lot like the contract I made with myself and the way I'm trying to live. 1) right views 2) right intentions 3) right speech 4) right action 5) right livelihood 6)right effort 7) right mindfulness 8) right concentration--the Eightfold Way. I've never studied Buddhism before but my contract seems a lot like Buddhism. I was trying to set up guidelines for myself so that I won't stray off my road to destiny. I think of life as a tunnel which is very black. Whenever I set a goal, a little light goes on somewhere in the tunnel which I can see. I follow all the paths that lead to the light until I've reached it, simultaneously reaching the goal. Without these goals, I'd be blundering around in the darkness never reaching the end of the tunnel, or shall I call it a maze." (Jennifer believes that most humans are "seekers". That we are designed to seek something greater than ourselves. We might call it by different names but it's a huge part of our life to identify it. She called it many things herself and then finally settled on calling it God.)

26, September 1985--"I always get so annoyed when people knock on my bedroom door. It's the way they knock that I hate. I hate when people knock really loud (Joel), when they knock timidly or with a question in the knock, when they knock in a pattern, when they knock only once or when they knock more than three times. The only kind of knock I like is 2-3 short raps with no expression attached to them. 'Bad' knocks put me in a bad mood."

Sounds like a Dr. Seuss book:

Knock Talk

"When I go into my room

I do not like a knock too soon.

In fact, I do not like a knock at all

Not from anyone, big or small.

I do not like knocks that sound like drumming

or knocks that hint of questions coming.
I do not like all kinds of knocks

when I'm sitting in my socks.

I do not like a hard, loud knock.

I do not like a short, soft knock.

I do not like to even talk

about the knocks that tick me off.

When I go into my room

and I know a knock is coming soon

I want two short raps, maybe three

from those who need to speak to me."

We clear?

Bird's eye view...

2010-10-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

I thought I would include some of Jennifer's journal entries. They are totally different from her diaries. In Journal, she recorded thoughts and fantasies and life questions. In Ophelia, she recorded information about her day.

21, September (1985) "I wish I didn't worry so much about life, myself and my future. I wish I could enjoy life by the minute without worrying about the next."

22, September (1985) "I hate when people get confused over simple things and are slow to respond." (Jennifer now feels this way about computers!)

22, September (1985) "Sometimes I think that all the animals in the world are playing a joke on the humans and they really can talk and think. They laugh at us behind our own back. Many a time, I have tried to catch Cocoa speaking or showing signs of high intelligence but I have yet to be rewarded for my observations." (except for this one time!)

23, September (1985) "I wonder if a super loud alarm wakes you up more than a quieter one? Is the loud one just a quick start? Or are you generally more awake than you would be if a quiet alarm woke you? I wonder if a loud alarm would put you into a negative mood and chase the memory of your dreams out of your head? (Greater minds than Jennifer's have wrestled with this question, I'm sure!)

23, September (1985) "So far this year I've been coming home every day and starting my homework right away. I also study every night and I study German every night no matter what. I feel like I'm learning a lot and it seems easier to learn now. I feel like suddenly, I'm ready for school. It comes easier to me. A teacher told me once that some people can't learn grammar then, one day, maybe in high school, the kid suddenly snaps and learns grammar easily and everything seems to fit into place. Well, that's kind of how I feel. It's like I have a bird's eye view of my work and it's easier to understand."

23, September (1985) "I think I have a psychological need for candy. I read somewhere that you can get that. I love sweets. They put me in a good mood. When I'm eating candy, I feel so happy and content. I just want to eat candy for the rest of my life." (Amen!)

23 September (1985) "I wonder if keeping lists might encourage me to put things off a little. Cause they're written down and I know I won't forget them?"

24, September (1985) "Why is warmth more pleasurable to the average person than cold? Both can be very uncomfortable. Maybe it all depends on how you grow up. But why do most people prefer warmth? I guess humans are built for warm weather, not having fur and all. Plus, to the conscious mind, warmer places are publicized and advertised as great places."

24, September (1985) "There's a kid sitting next to me in German who is kinda weird and different. He can't talk or hear well. He looks kinda different, almost like an albino. Anyway, I'm sure he doesn't have many friends and he talks to me sometimes in class. I talk to him but I can't be his friend. I know that if I thought he was attractive, I would talk to him, or if he was just 'normal' and appealed to me. He's a nice guy.

I guess he's just different and I'm not comfortable with him and I just couldn't have him for a friend. I feel sorry for him that I can't be his friend. I guess I just don't want to 'cross the line'. If I were him, I would want friends but I guess all I can say is, 'I'm not him and it's not my problem.' If I had a child that was 'different' or slow, I don't know if I could handle it."

Remember, Jennifer is completely honest in her journal. She's not proud of the above entry. She's also changed since then. She's secure enough now to be anybody's friend. She avoids people who aren't good for her--but not people who are "different".

School bulling and cyber bulling have become open topics since Columbine. Jennifer was wrong to think that this boy's lack of friends was "not her problem". We are all wrong to assume that any child is "not our problem". Some of these children decide to make their problems everybody's problem, i.e. the Columbine killings.

All children are our future. They are our future world leaders, our future doctors, our future pastors, our future criminals and our future murderers. When we write a child off--he does not disappear! All children need support and love before they get older and terrorize their peers, kill themselves, use drugs, have their own kids or fly off to Harvard!

Jennifer did not bully this boy. She ignored him. Jennifer had no real friends herself, but she could not "cross the line" to befriend this boy. It was "social suicide" to do so, and she knew it. Jennifer's own survival skills encouraged her to save herself.

Kids are being trained now at school to recognize bulling and to put an end to bulling. Shows like Glee are trying to put the Cool into Uncool. Maybe it's getting better, I don't know. I do know that Jennifer was a participant in someone's ostracism and she wasn't a mean kid. She was terrified of becoming like him really. She didn't believe she could save him but she did believe that he could ruin her.

Have you ever turned your back on someone, been bullied or bullied anyone?

Lonely days...

2010-10-04T11:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I'm sorry that I have not been posting weekly. Having the kids home all summer made writing difficult--then school started and that has actually been a big distraction (along with the beautiful fall weather!).

I am going to try and get back into a rhythm. A tension is building in Jennifer's diaries. Driven by perfectionism and fueled by loneliness--she is heading down a dark path. I want to follow her there with my little flashlight of perspective, to try and understand how a teen decides to end her life. If a walk down this path with Jennifer will save just one teen from a similar fate--it will all be worth it!!

October 9, 1985 Wednesday

Dear Ophelia,

"I'm so sorry that I've been neglecting you. It's like I don't have a lot of time. I bring journal to school and to every class so I'm afraid he gets more attention than you.

Lately I'm feeling so worthless and alone. I don't have any real friends here. Jennifer is like a friend but I'm not really comfortable with her yet. I need some good friends like Cheri, Katie and Lara. I really do miss Lara. She is a very special friend. I know I've put her down before but that was because no one at school liked her. I've decided that I can't give a damn what people think. Lara is a good friend and a person too and I really like her though she does get on my nerves sometimes.

I semi-hate Wayzata. I'm so down and I guess people pick-up on my unsocial attitude. I hate feeling like this. I want to go back to California. I know I won't do it though. That would be running away from my problems here. I can't talk to my mom because she annoys me too much. I've become obsessed with the way she annoys me. I hate myself for it but I can't help it. Mom seems different now. I just can't stand the things she does. I wish I didn't get annoyed so easily.

Jeff's obsessed with parent-child relationships. He'll do nice things for us but when we ask for a favor, Jeff thinks that we're winning some kind and battle and refuses to do it for us. I don't think he realizes how much he complains about us.

I want friends so bad and I hate this dumb condo. I can't wait 'till Christmas vacation to go to California and see my old friends.

I'm so ugly and my hair is still short and looks bad and my body is really dumb. I'm doomed to grow up like my parents. I want some friends, some security. I don't have any incentive to get up in the morning. I'm so alone. Love, Jennifer.

Jennifer met the other Jennifer on her bus route to high school. Even though she liked Jennifer a lot, the friendship didn't fill her void right away. Jennifer was tired of meeting new people. She was fifteen and everyone she met had only known her a month. No one "remembered" her from previous grades, had met her siblings, had run track with her. She was tired of starting from scratch. She was a girl with no history and no identity in a high school with 1700 students.

I think that it is common to find your parents annoying around the age of 15 (if not sooner). I think it's part of the process of detaching from them. It may be worse with perfectionists though because critical thoughts go hand in hand with perfectionism. Parents, don't fret too much if your kid can't stand you, as soon as they move out--they will probably like you again :)

October 23, 1985 Wednesday

Dear Ophelia,

"Last weekend I stayed with Angela in Winona. I went there on the train and came back on the bus. I had no school Thursday and Friday, yea! Friday we went shopping and saw Agnes of God, a pretty good movie. Saturday we went bluff climbing, which was funner than I expected. I also went with her to a Catholic mass. It was very interesting but the priest didn't teach anything, everyone just recited.

I did learn more about Angela though. She is a fun loving person and though she is very pretty, she has a lot of ugly friends. She is more genuine than I thought too. I like her more now cause I understand her better. She's pretty carefree and she's a nice person. She walks really straight and tall and always looks real confident. It used to intimidate me but now I know it doesn't come from her thinking she's better than other people.

Well, I have a lot of homework everyday. I'll try very hard to write in her more often. I'd put you in plain sight to help me remember but I'm afraid that someone will read you. Love forever, Jennifer."

Angela is Jennifer's step-sister. She's about six years older than Jennifer. She must have been around 21 at the time of Jennifer's visit. Angela attended Winona State University. She was pretty, confident, social and professional. Everything Jennifer was not!

Winona State University

For Minnesota, these are big hills!

Winona, Minnesota on the Mississippi river. Winona is named after a real Indian Princess.

Jennifer's trip to Winona was 150 miles each way. She went by herself which didn't bother her at all. She was used to flying alone, going to school alone and just being alone in general.

I think the loneliness played a huge role in Jennifer's deepening depression.

Predictions...

2010-09-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

Jennifer is having a writing affair on the all-knowing Ophelia. She now writes in Journal too. So Ophelia stays at home and acts as Jennifer's best and most consistent friend. Ophelia records her life activities. Journal travel with Jennifer and records her thoughts of the moment.

Jennifer has not stopped moving and changing schools since the first grade. Wayzata is her third high school in as many states. She is abnormally attached to her diary, Ophelia. It is a "god" to her. It is her higher power. Jennifer was always seeking spiritual enlightenment--but she had no direction--so she made up her own god. I believe all the thoughts and "prayers" in her writings were heard by the Christian God that she believes in now.

October 2, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"It's great to talk to you again. Since I have Journal now too, I don't have as much to say to you but I will continue to write everyday. Sometimes I can't write because I have too much homework. At least two hours a day. Today I had about 4 1/2 hours. I was doing it non-stop except for eating. Guess what? Monday I got that expander off the top of my mouth and it feels so good. Then I got braces on my bottom teeth so they hurt. I can't eat very well.

Friday I'm going to babysit for a lady that lives kind of far away. I like babysitting. I especially love babies, they're so fun to hold and play with. I love Clayton. He's so happy and cheerful. When I have a baby, I'm going to read to it before it's born, take it on lots of trips (when older). I'll be firm but I'll love him/her so much that he/she will be such a happy baby.

Once I have a baby it will be like I won't be able to think of myself anymore. Since I brought this baby into the world, it's my job to give him/her every advantage and make sure he's happy cause he/she is a person who sees things from his own eyes--just like me. And everyone could almost say I created him so I have to give him the best life possible. That is his right because he didn't ask to be born (or did he?).

I'm also going to have lots of pets, maybe 3 children, but probably two. I used to want just a lot of pets instead of children but now I've changed my mind.

You are more familiar to me than Journal is. He's kind of a stranger still but I'm being as honest as possible with him. What do you think of him? Do you talk to him? I can't picture you two talking. I picture you staying aloof from each other, competing for my affections. Well, that's just me inflicting human emotions on you, sorry. Should I be? Oh well.

Wayzata is OK. Yea, just OK. Surprisingly, I don't mind all the homework. Tomorrow I have to give my speech in English on Animal Research. I'm going to be so nervous and I'm going to be talking so fast. I can't wait to get it over with. Well, gotta jam. Love forever, Jennifer."

Jennifer's predictions are amazingly accurate! If we can just get our kids to survive adolescence--they do end up following their dreams!!

Jennifer did bear two children, not three, but she still ended up with three! Jennifer completed her family by adopting her third child. She also has lots of pets--nine mammals and two fish tanks!

I wonder how many of our youthful desires we fulfilled without even remembering where the original "idea" came from?

The front of Jennifer's new journal.

Jennifer started Journal on September 20, 1985. She writes on the front that this journal is for recording her thoughts of the moment. She writes, "...if you are offended by anything I say remember that it's hard for me to write some of it. I'm trying to admit and accept the bad things about me, as I am the good things."

She also explains that she expects this journal to be read by others someday. "When I address you, I mean the reader," she writes, "for I am intending you to read it. I hope it helps you and I suggest you keep your own journal, thoughts are a gift and yours might be great ones so write them down." (except she used the wrong write....not like her!)

Anyway, Jennifer's journal gives a lot of insight into the teenage brain--at least her teenage brain! I will intermingle some of Journal and some of Ophelia to, hopefully, weave a more complex view of this 15 year old girl.

The issues coming up in her life are boys, drug-use, perfectionism, control and suicide. It sounds serious but I read ahead a little and found myself laughing and chuckling. Sometimes Jennifer tries so hard to find herself or fit in or be "normal" or even to be "different" that it's just plain funny!

Suicide is Painless....

2010-08-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

"Suicide is Painless" song by Johnny Mandel and Mike Altman, opening song to M.A.S.H.

Dear Readers, I have not written in over a month. I have been on stay-cation with my family for the summer. It's been lovely! My kids started school yesterday.

My last post was called The Kitchen. I'm picking up with an entry written on the same day as the last diary entry. It's important because it talks about 15 year-old Jennifer's thoughts of suicide. No one in Jennifer's family knew she entertained these thoughts. Her friends didn't know either. I write this blog, in part, to try and help people see into the mind of a teenager. I hope that maybe one kid, one family, is someday helped by this!

The previous post talked about a family argument which occurred over kitchen chores. Jennifer and Joel got in trouble for not doing a good job. Joel brushed the whole incident off. Jennifer was reduced to hours of tears and thoughts of suicide. She's overwhelmed by the pressures she puts on herself. She believes she's a good kid doing the best she can. She is devastated that her parents are disappointed and expect more out of her. After she finished her entry, she picked up her diary and wrote some more. Here it is...

September 15, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"At times like these, I want to commit suicide. But a few things are stopping me. One--Cocoa, I can't stand the thought of leaving her forever. I mean, I think of her as having feelings like mine. If she died now, it could end in my own death. As long as she is alive, I can't kill myself. Two--If I kill myself, I may have to live this life over again. Three--I feel I've come too far, done too much, for my life to end.

I'm walking on a tightrope and I'm very unsteady. I never know what might set me off and make me kill myself. It used to be on my mind a lot. And after Muffin died, I even tried to do it. I know that I am capable of killing myself. But I don't always know what will make me want to do it. It wouldn't be hard to find a reason. If my whole family were killed, I'd probably drop out of school and walk around the country earning enough to buy me food. Eventually, I would die though.

If Cocoa died, I might just kill myself instantly. I don't believe in God anymore but once mom told me that people who kill themselves go to hell. That stays in my head and I don't think I'll go to hell but my next life might not be so hot because of it, or somehow I will be punished.

I think I'm a fragile person, easily pushed over the edge. That's why I have a light at the end of my tunnel--becoming a cetologist (person who studies cetaceans i.e dolphins) or something. I'm easily depressed but I can also talk myself out of just about anything, out of any depression. I just start thinking, Well someone has to be like me, someone has to live this life. Out of all the trillions of people and animals, I am Jennifer. Amazing. I also think I only have to do this life and be me for one lifetime, which isn't very long. Then, hopefully, I can move on. I find solace in the fact that I will die someday.

It helps me live knowing that I'll die. Hey, that's a good quote.

Anyway, I'm a little more cheered up now. I hope after this life, I can be born a dolphin. I don't know if I ever want to be human again. It's hard to write all my feelings in here. I think I may start carrying a notebook around so I can write down all my little speculations. Gotta go, it's 10:25. Love forever, Jennifer."

I never heard a better argument for getting my teen a pet--Jennifer's love for her cat, Cocoa, was keeping her alive!

Jennifer writes that she tried to kill herself after her dog, Muffin, died. She doesn't remember what she did or how she tried to kill herself at that time. Anyway, maybe getting a pet isn't such a great idea....

What I notice about Jennifer is that she has no anchor. She's easily buffeted about by the wind in her life. She doesn't believe in God anymore. She harbors multiple and conflicting beliefs about what happens after death. She thinks she might reincarnate, or go to hell, or have to re-live her same life over again, or be punished or maybe just move on from earth forever. She also believes that suicide will affect her afterlife in a negative way. Many religions and philosophies promote that fear (which is a good thing in Jennifer's case!).

We all have to believe something about death. What we believe can greatly affect our lives and actions here on earth. I believe, and I will dare to state, that what we believe about death is the most important thing in our lives! Think for a moment about what you believe. Now, work back from there. How does that one belief affect your behavior, your religion, your dreams, your goals, your family planning, your estate planning, your view of man's laws and your morality? And how do all of those things affect your life?

All beliefs about death come from either religion, philosophy or you make up your own best guesses. The religion, philosophy or idea that you subscribe to when it comes to death--also shapes your life--this is your anchor. Maybe you have no belief about death at all, you stick with the mystery of it--I still think it shapes your life. When you don't believe anything, then ALL options become a possibility--this makes for some tricky decision making in life. This is the boat in which Jennifer finds herself.

Jennifer made up her own ideas and mixed-matched ideas from religion and philosophy. She was an unorganized Religion of One. She had no anchor. I think this makes life harder for us humans. I believe that we are all seekers. We seek a higher power--whether it's nature, technology, community, God, gods, money, spirits or whatever! I think we like to know there is a higher purpose than just a solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short existence (Thomas Hobbes).

I know children who have no idea what happens when you die. Some people will say that nobody really knows what happens--but that's not my point. I'm saying that what we believe really matters!! In this one area, Jennifer was never educated. Children are seekers too. I think it's important not to neglect the spiritual or religious education of our children (and it can't hurt to throw in a pet for good measure!). If a child is taught nothing, then they are open to believe anything--this is not necessarily a good thing in this crazy world.

The end of the road? What do you believe?

The Kitchen...

2010-07-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

Jennifer and Joel cleaned the kitchen every night after dinner. They cleared the table, washed the dishes and wiped down the kitchen table and the counter tops. Jennifer and Joel worked well together but they didn't always do a perfect job...

September 15, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"I just got back from a family meeting about the kitchen. God, I hated it. They make us sit down, stop everything then they commence to put us down and complain. I don't think we've been doing that bad of a job in the kitchen. They say when we do a bad job, it means we don't care about the family. They say we're not considerate and we have to show some responsibility.

God, I've been trying so hard not to create waves. I haven't been arguing with Jeff. I've been trying to accept that life isn't fair, I've been going out of my way for them. I guess I'm very self-centered because I am so involved with my career, trying to determine if I'm insane or not, I've been worried about school, my new friends, my grades, reports I have to do, letters I have to write, my contract with myself, even writing in you--I worry about that--my posture and lately, there's been pressure between Joel and I. I even had a dream that we hated each other.

Lately, he's been saying, much too often, that he hates me, that I'm no fun anymore etc. He says it like he's kidding but I know he's not. Joel demands constant attention and I'm not the type to give it to him. I feel pressured that I always have to be in a good mood and happy to please Joel and that, of course, makes me mad. Anyway, I've been worried about that too. I want things back the way the were.

I think I worry too much or something. I'm too involved with myself and I don't have enough time to get things done. Anyway, after that meeting, I really cried and I was racked over with sobs. I wish they could just cheerfully say, 'Guys, we want you to start doing a better job cause you've been slipping lately.' But instead, they have a one hour meeting in which they complain and put us down. Everything we say can and will be used against us. I feel like I have to make a list of everything I do for this family so I can show them that I do care and stuff.

Joel doesn't even seem affected by the meeting but here I am breaking down. I need to be appreciated, that's one reason I write in here. 'If only they knew,' I say. They say I don't care but all they have to do is read the contract I made with myself and then they'd know. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be crying right now!

Plus, I get annoyed easily. My mom annoys me. Sometimes her voice annoys me and her facial expressions and the way she totally moves her hands when she's talking. When people start to annoy me, I become very untalkative and unresponsive around them. Mom noticed that and she wonders why but how can I tell her without hurting her feelings?

Anyway, I have been trying with this family. On family trips, I've helped more than ever before. I've done a lot of things that weren't even my job to do. I wasn't raised to help out like Joel and Christian were, I had to learn about it and I had to learn that trust was important. I think I've come a long way.

And of course I'm self-centered! My whole life circles around me. I only know my own thoughts. I only see out of my own eyes. I feel so alone right now. I feel like a totally alone alien, like I'm different from everybody else (which is good). I feel like no one thinks like I do, I wish I knew how other people thought.

Well, I gotta go. It's 9:41. I'm too emotional and sensitive. I gotta take a shower, I'm still crying. Bye. Love you, you're like me, Jennifer."

Jennifer's Diary

The kitchen--it's location in the house, all the chores attached to it, the food issues and the money issues it can bring up--the kitchen is the heart and hotbed of the home! Jennifer remembers a lot of family meetings regarding the kitchen!

I feel for Jen in this entry. She speaks the truth--her parents are right--she is self-centered. She's not apologizing for that either. When Jennifer lived with her mother--she was a latchkey kid from about the age of 8. Her job was to take care of herself so that her mom could work. When Jennifer lived with her dad, she remained a latchkey kid and she was unsupervised even when her father was home. Jennifer fed herself all her meals, rode her bike wherever she needed to go, purchased her own clothes and supplies for school, went to bed when she felt like it and was 100% responsible for her own homework--basically, she made all of her own decisions. She used to tell her dad her plans, she didn't ask for permission. This is a lot of freedom for a kid in junior high.

Now, she's in high school. She's trying to change. She's trying to consider the family as a whole. She is feeling pressure from all sides. Teens in general live in pressure-cookers--they are making huge life-changing decisions, they have no perspective of time or mortality, they have jobs, they drive cars, they have tons of homework, they can be their own worst critics, they have no idea how beautiful they are, they are expected to act like adults but they are treated like kids, they have raging hormones, they can reproduce and that's scary and all of it can be overwhelming. It was hard for Jennifer not to live in the center of her own world during this time.

I think Jennifer is suffering from extreme anxiety. It would be cool if some kind of "forensic psychologist" could review her diaries and diagnose young Jennifer. I know she's not insane, but her gut was telling her that she needed help and I think she was right. Jennifer's normal teen problems were amplified through anxiety, depression and mood swings.

While I'm not a fan of medicating children--I think Jennifer might have benefited from some kind of anti-anxiety medication along with therapy. Jennifer did not know how to ask for this kind of help--but she found it anyway--in illegal drugs. It's amazing how resourceful humans are, for better or for worse! Jennifer finds a drug that reduces her anxiety and she takes to it like a duck to water. It was not good behavior on her part, but it may have helped save her life. I wonder how many teens are using drugs just to survive the day?

Did you have a "drug of choice" as a kid? Was it a stimulant or a depressive? Was it just for fun, or did it help you cope?

9/11

2010-06-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

September 11, 1985 Wednesday

Dear Ophelia,

"I have a lot of English homework. I have to prepare a 5 minute speech on a controversial issue. I chose animal cruelty. I have to read a biography. Tomorrow, in German, we have a test on was, wir and the day after, a dialogue test. Yea! I finished my condo report in Interior Design, plus I made a floor plan of this condo.

Today during 2nd period, we had a J.A. meeting. I might join it, it depends on how much "at home" work we have to do. I also might become a candy-striper at a nearby hospital. Jennifer is applying too. I saw John today before the J.A. meeting. I wonder if he'll ever ask me out? I hope so. I think.

I'm still kinda nervous in some of my classes. I always am that way 'till I get to know people better. Right now I'm in the process of writing Luke a letter. Damn, I wish he'd write back, but knowing Luke, he probably won't. I hope this Christmas we all go on a ski trip and I hope Luke and Allen go too.

I really don't like Dad these days. But recently, in the last two weeks, I've decided that I should try to be nicer to him. I think he is a good person and he seems to have good intentions for me. He wants the best for me etc. I don't want him to die with us on bad terms, not that he's going to die.

I told him in California that I hated him and that he had no right to be my father. I even kicked him in the stomach during one of our fights. I don't really want things to go on that way so I'm going to try now to not let Dad get on my nerves etc.

I do feel I need a psychiatrist for the bad things I've done. plus, I'm paranoid. Sometimes I wish and hope I'm insane so I can be put in a hospital and not have to deal with life, plus it'll shock my friends and family. Maybe somehow I'm looking for recognition but mostly, I think I'm always running away trying to find the easy way out of life.

I used to think of suicide every day, or whenever things started to get bad. I have to be careful with myself so I don't talk myself into killing myself, or stop caring about how my life goes. That may be one reason that I have my main goal in life, being a zoologist and serving animals. It's the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. My job is to take all the paths that lead to the light and not to stray. Then I can assure myself of life and, hopefully, a successful future. I think I also look for things to blame for just about everything. More later. Love forever, Jennifer."

The date, 9/11, will never be the same for my generation. The images of the planes crashing into the buildings are burned into my memory forever. Even this entry, 16 years before the terrorist attack, brings the events of that day in 2001 right back to me just because of the date on the top of the page, September 11th..

September 11, 2001

Anyway, it was not lost on anyone that 9/11 consists of the same numbers that all Americans call in case of an emergency, 9-1-1. Jennifer's 9/11 entry is her own 9-1-1 call to herself. She's terrified to live and terrified to die!

As a parent, I find it alarming that Jennifer is having suicidal thoughts and NO ONE around her has a clue. She's a middle-class, straight A student. She's applying to volunteer at a hospital. She has dreams for her future. She just needs to survive high school!!! Even Jennifer is aware that she just needs to get through. High school is the long dark tunnel. She knows there is light at the end. She can see it! Yet she has no confidence that she will make it there.

Jennifer also knows she needs help. This is the second time she's mentioned wanting a psychiatrist. Jennifer, reading this entry now, is not sure why she didn't talk to her parents and ask for help. She remembers thinking that they should just know. They knew when she needed clothes, when she needed a doctor appointment., when she needed to go to bed, when she needed to clean her room--dependent children don't always realize when they need to take care of themselves. Jennifer was also shy. She didn't want to talk to her parents about WHY she needed a psychiatrist.

I think we should all offer our children someone to talk to privately--a trusted friend, a professional, a youth pastor, a relative--just somebody that the parent trusts--and more importantly--someone that the child also trusts!!! Offering the wrong person won't do any good at all.

Jennifer went from being daddy's girl to not getting along with her dad for many, many years. He was Mr. Spock--rigid, unemotional and logical--classic Silicon Valley computer programmer. Jennifer was passionate, sensitive and irrational--classic teenage girl! She kicked him in the stomach to get a reaction out of him. It didn't work. He didn't raise his voice, never shouted, never hit--he frustrated her to no end! Looking back, these aren't bad traits to have! However, Jennifer craved a relationship that was more dimensional.

BTW--I googled "J.A. high school meetings" because Jennifer couldn't remember what J.A. meant. It seems to be a national Junior Achievement program.

I like Jennifer's quote "My job is to take all the paths that lead to the light and not to stray. Then I can assure myself of life and, hopefully, a successful future." Jennifer is still on this path!

Did you have someone to confide in when you were a teenager?

Hair Cares

2010-06-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

September 10, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"Well, there is this guy, John, who likes me. He's pretty cute, not really my type though. He told Amy that he liked me. Amy says he loves me. I'm pretty sure that he likes me cause he acts like it but I keep thinking, "once he gets to know me, will he still like me?". Not that I'm a bad person, but he doesn't even know me.

Anyway, today I wore new white pants with a white blouse and a red sweater over that. It looked real nice, I thought. I'm still waiting for my hair to grow. Mom trimmed the back a little today. My hair looks yucky cause it's in the in-between stages kind of. I just have it parted in the middle. When it gets to one length, I'm going to get it bobbed and maybe a body wave or maybe even a braid perm.

I'm surprised at how much clothes I have. For me, it's a lot. I have 3 pairs of jeans and a pair of nice wool pants, eight or nine sweaters (I like them now), six shirts and some other stuff. Oh, und two skirts.

Speaking of und, today in German I learned how to say, how old are you. Wie alt bist du? and some other ways with he, she etc. Yesterday, we learned the numbers. Also yesterday, I went to Jennifer's house. We played monopoly and played with her pets: Cricket (dog-poodle), Monroe (cockatiel), Sophia (cockatoo) and her ducks. She's lucky. Her and Amy try out for all the school stuff even if they don't know how to do it. I think that's neat that they do that, I never could. It's 9:52, gotta go to bed soon. Today I took a test in World History and tomorrow I have a test in geometry. I finished my Condo report so during Interior Design tomorrow, I'll read Dolphins and study Geometry. Love forever, Jennifer. Guten abend!"

Jennifer has always been suspicious of guys who "love" her based on first sight. It's not because of her insecurity, it's because of her practical side. She knew that chemistry is instant but love takes time. She enjoyed the attention of boys falling for her, but she was weary of anyone who spoke of love too soon. She also didn't like the pressure. She didn't want to live up to somebodies preconceptions about her!

Poor Jennifer had to suffer through her awkward hair regrowth also. Drastic hair cutting is an ancient ritual of grief and mourning. You don't even have to know that to respond to grief with a hair cut. It's instinctive and crosses cultures and continents. Looking back, I wonder if Jennifer's severe hair cut after moving to California wasn't a sign of grief. She had only weeks to prepare for her sudden move, she lost some great friends forever, never saw her dog again and she did not adjust well to a new high school in the middle of the school year. She also rejected all of her old clothes and interests. Does this look like a happy girl?

Jennifer soon after her sudden move from Alaska to California

On the positive side, Jennifer learned to roll with the punches. In Minnesota, after another sudden move and another new high school, we find her re-growing her hair, accumulating a nice wardrobe, getting perfect grades, making friends, learning a new language and meeting boys!

Her grief digs deeper into her, becomes part of her, and she begins to craft her outward shell. Maybe this is a natural part of the teenage years--building a shell around who we really are. It protects us while we adjust to adult pressures and relationships. Then, when we hit our thirties, we begin to chip away at that shell to reveal our true selves once again!

Jennifer's 10th grade photo

Girls! think twice about cutting off your hair--growing it out again is no fun! At least it wasn't for Jennifer!

By the way, what kind of high school offers Interior Design as an elective? I mean, it's cool, don't get me wrong, but in light of state budget cuts, it's a total luxury!

Fun in Minnesota!

2010-05-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

September 8, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"Well two weekends ago (I think), we went on a camping trip to Pipestone. We went through Walnut Grove and Sleepy Eye. It was pretty fun. We went to a Laura Ingalls Wilder museum. I always thought I looked like Laura when I was younger. She reminded me of me.

The real Ingalls family!

Friday night I went to a Wayzata football game. You don't really watch the game, it's just an excuse to hang out. I went with Jennifer who rides my bus and her friend, Amy. I had a pretty good time. We also walked to McDonalds. A dance was on that night but we didn't go. I don't really like dances, probably cause I don't dance very well.

My homework over the weekend was to read how to answer an essay question, review German, study for a test in Geometry and write a report on condos for Interior Design. So far, I'm doing really well in school. I hope I can keep it up. As far as friends, I have about five friends.

Well, I took my Swiss army knife and I cut off two moles. This was awhile ago. It kind of hurt but the one on my thigh as been reduced to a red bump and the one on my foot is a lot lighter, flatter and smaller. One on my arm is completely gone and the other is just slightly visible (red). I'm pretty happy about it though. The bumps on the backs of my arms are pretty much gone. I weigh around 101 pounds now. I'm thin, not skinny. My knees are still turned in but I'm working on standing on the outsides of my feet. I'm also working on my posture.

Today we went to Winona to bring Angela some stuff for her new apartment. It's really neat, above a small restaurant.

Yesterday we went to a picnic for Jeff's company, Trend. It was pretty fun. Mom and Jeff won tickets to the Renaissance Festival. I won a certificate of achievement for the Pepsi Challenge. i could tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke. A lot of people won. I also got 4th place in the sack race for ages 13 to adult.

I'm wearing my headgear right now. I started, Dolphins, by Jacques-Ives Cousteau. I'm on page 162 out of 256 pages. The time is 10:25pm. I have to go to bed soon. Saturday I got two pairs of Levis, white and gray and a red, sweater-vest which I really like. Well, gotta jam. Love, Jennifer."

I think this entry shows the dangers of perfectionism. Jennifer analyzed every inch of her body and focused on what wasn't perfect. She performed minor surgery with her Swiss army knife! That's a little extreme. What are kids doing in the privacy of their bedrooms? Would any parent guess that they were removing moles with a knife? You may think you know your kid, but do you?

Jennifer just found out last year what the bumps on the back of some people's arms are. It's called Keratosis Pilaris. The body produces too much keratin. Keratin builds up in the hair follicles on the back of the arms and sometimes the thighs. There is no cure for this condition. It tends to be worse in the winter. Her bumps may have cleared up in Minnesota due to the humidity. Anyway, Jennifer now exfoliates with KP Duty scrub and she uses Amlactin lotion--this treats the problem very well! Her skin is better than ever!

I think Jennifer has the same kind of perfectionism that leads so many girls down the road to anorexia, suicide and depression. Jennifer hated being "skinny" so she did not try to control her eating. She controlled her grades.

Pipestone, home of the Peace Pipe!

Not a lot of tourists go there, but Jen and her family went! Jennifer doesn't remember Pipestone, but she remembers Walnut Grove. She grew up watching The Little House on the Prairie. The journey there was more of a pilgrimage than a camping trip! Jennifer did look a little like Melissa Gilbert who played Laura Ingalls in The Little House on the Prairie!

Jennifer

Laura (Melissa Gilbert)

(I like to think that they both got better looking with age too!)

Jennifer

Melissa Gilbert (Laura)

First Day of High School (again!)

2010-05-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

Jennifer attended high school in Alaska for one semester of ninth grade. She went to San Mateo High for her second semester of ninth grade. She moved to Minnesota and her new high school began with tenth grade. Jennifer was technically a freshman again.

Jennifer felt that having already completed a year of high school gave her an edge. Even though she was beginning a new school, in a new state, at least she didn't have the added stress of being a true freshman.

The day Jennifer walked into her new, huge high school--she did not know a single soul.

Wayzata High School is one of the largest public high schools in Minnesota. It was, and remains, one of the top public high schools in the nation. Wayzata currently serves approximately 3200 students.

September 3, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"I'll write about the days I missed tomorrow. Today was the first day of school. I was late for most of my classes. Right now the school is very confusing. I had homework. I'm taking Geometry and I think I'm going to do well this year in math. World History will be a breeze if I keep up, I think. I had it in Alaska and History is pretty easy except memorizing dates. English may be a little tough this year, a lot of writing. Maybe I'll get over my fear. Starting my book really helped. I started it again but I'm stopping until the weekends, I guess.

I have to write a short paper on what makes me unique from other people. I may write about the way I write in you almost every day or about how I want to become a zoologist. German is really fun so far. I learned good morning, good evening, goodbye, what does this mean?, Mr., Mrs. and Miss. She seems like a good teacher, Mrs. Melbye. This summer or next, I have a chance to go to Germany for around $850.00 for 3 1/2 weeks and stay with a German family. I hope I can go but I might have to pay for it and I need a job for the summer.

I met a girl in P.E. named Amy. She seems really nice but that's the only class we have together and we don't have the same lunch. I have first lunch. Well, it seems like I'll never make many friends but in a month or so, I suppose I will. I hope so. Everyone there is really fashion conscious, it's a rich school.

Anyway, I gotta go, it's 10:30 and I gotta get up at 6:00am. The bus comes at 7:06am. Please help me get through this school year and help me choose and make good friends. Love, Jennifer."

This last sentence sounds a lot like a prayer!

September 5, 1985 Thursday

Dear Ophelia,

"I'll catch you up on other stuff later. It's 10:30pm, I have to get to bed soon. I'm doing this now to ease my mind. I've learned more in German and, so far, I really like it. It's kind of a fast-paced class. Yesterday, we had a quiz and another tomorrow. I got an A on the other one.

I met this girl named Jennifer who rides my bus. I'm still kind of nervous around her and other people I meet. I just can't be myself. I never know what to say. Well, I'm working on it. I have to learn just to let myself express myself. I keep thinking that my hair looks dumb etc. I have a really hard time talking to pretty girls. I feel so ugly and unworthy. I'll have to work on that.

Anyway, I wrote an essay on you in English. It was a diagnostic essay. I wrote how it was unique of my to write in you and that you're the closest thing to a god that I believe in.

In World History, my teacher asked, 'Who has the biggest brain in the world?' I said, 'The sperm whale.' He looked confused. Anyway, today I brought in proof that I was right from my Lilly on Dolphins book. I really faced him. But I was glad to put my knowledge to use.

The girl in front of me thinks I'm a brain cuz I do so well in World History (so far). But I already had a semester of it in Alaska, so maybe I'm ahead. The class is fast-paced but I'm doing very well in it so far. It's 10:41. I'm not sure about Interior Design class yet but I'm sure I'll get an A.

I haven't made a whole lot of friends yet but I really hope I do soon. I want to be respected by my friends for getting my work done. You see, I have to keep up in my classes, mostly German and Geometry, so I won't get lost. I'll 'party' on the weekends, but during the week I want to get my homework done. Please try and help me stick to my contract for the whole year. Weekends will be reserved for letter writing etc. My goal this year is straight A's. I don't want anyone to look on me as a geek. I would hate that and I'm not a geek. Anyway, I gotta go, 'Guten abend'. Love, Jennifer."

Funny how even Jennifer seems to know that Ophelia is her placeholder for God.

It's sad when a kid worries about being ridiculed for doing well in school. It's hard to walk the "cool" line.

Jennifer's grades had been good at Bartlett High School in Alaska. Then they dropped at San Mateo High. This was for two reasons. One--the school was in the middle of town. Once she left campus for lunch, Jennifer just didn't come back. The second reason was the lower standard of academics and the slower pace. She wasn't challenged at San Mateo High.

Jennifer loved the fast-paced and challenging classes at Wayzata. She thrived on learning and thinking. She wrote countless essays and was tested and quizzed weekly--she loved it! Wayzata kept her on her toes. Plus, the school was not near restaurants, fast food and 7-11's. There was really nowhere for her to go if she left campus. Also, Minnesota throws a lot of money at it's schools and California doesn't. It makes a difference!

Jennifer saw herself as an insecure girl who didn't express herself. I don't see that. She spoke up when she cared about something. She was a cetacean "expert" and she told the teacher in front of the whole class about the sperm whale brain. She also followed through with proof. That takes some moxy! Jennifer also made a decision to get good grades--in spite of what her future friends might think of her. She wasn't as much of a pushover as she thought she was!

Jennifer was correct about the sperm whale, although it was probably not the answer the teacher was looking for! Sperm whales do have the largest brains on planet earth weighing, on average, 17.2 pounds. Our brains weigh about 3.3 pounds. Some think that a big brain is required to operate a big body. However, a 52 foot long whale shark has a relatively small brain for it's huge body size! Animals our size or bigger generally have much smaller brains than we do. We don't need a 3.3 pound brain to operate our little 165 pound (on average) bodies. I think I know one thing for sure--small-brained animals can be big or small but, either way, they can't be bright. So what's the big brain for?

What's going on in that head of yours, Moby Dick?

Arachniphobia

2010-05-10T13:10:00.000-07:00

August 23, 1985 Friday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today, Mom and I got a free makeover from Revlon. It was kinda fun. I didn't look like a completely new person or anything but I learned a few things. Then Mom and I bought some make-up. I'm afraid we may have spent too much. I think Mom has a weak-spot for make-up. She's happy with the new stuff though. I think she wants a new look and stuff. She hasn't bought anything for herself all summer.

We also got school supplies today. Orientation is on the 30th. I'm anxious for school to start. I've been so bored lately. I'm almost done with Lilly on Dolphins. I checked out three more books. They had textbooks on sale at Target for $2.99! I bought one called Psychology and Life. I'm paranoid. I have delusions of being someone grander than I am. I have high set goals, some of them are probably impossible but I think I realize which ones are in reach.

I always think people are plotting against me. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world is pretending to be normal, but when I'm not around, they talk about me and how I totally don't know what's going on. I always feel like I'm being watched. Anyway, I know I'm paranoid so that means that I'm probably not. If I realize it, then how could I have it, you know what I mean? If I know it exists and I know that I have it, then there's nothing wrong because I know about it. It's the people who think that everyone is like them that have the problem. Anyway, I can't wait to read the whole thing, I hope I learn things about myself.

Well Wade Doak wrote me back (did I tell you?) Well, I wrote him back and I wrote to the girl he told me about in Minnesota. Well I gotta go. It's 1:20am. I gotta babysit tomorrow. Love you, Jennifer."

Have you ever looked through a psychology book and began to diagnose yourself? Jennifer identified with paranoia, delusions of grandeur and perfectionism. The perfectionism was real. The rest probably stemmed from the natural self-centeredness of being a teenager.

Jennifer also suffered, and continues to suffer, from shopping guilt. Shopping was always about money--money determined if it would happen or not happen. There was never a discussion of shopping without first a discussion about money. Yes, the two things are undeniably interconnected--but not all children are made continually and painfully aware of that connection. Shopping wasn't a treat, it wasn't fun, it wasn't indulgent, it wasn't spontaneous. It was an ordeal.

Although they were a middle-class family, they usually had "no money" to shop. When they had money, the shopping was strategic--sale rack only. When they splurged, which was rare, the regret set in before she and her mom were back in the car. Shopping was pretty much a miserable experience all the way around. The only part Jennifer thoroughly enjoyed was the ritual stop at Orange Julius!

August 24, 1985 Saturday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today I made $9 dollars babysitting. I also made a contract for myself. For future reference, it's a contract that says I'll be responsible, keep my room clean, stay out of trouble, eat right, do aerobics etc. It's for a year. I'm really going to try and keep it up. I want to be a good person inside and out.

I had a dream a few weeks ago about this huge golf-ball sized black widow that wasn't poisonous, or at least, someone told me it wasn't but I knew it was. I held it in my hand, I kept calling it Arachnida. I tried to put it in it's cage but it escaped. Later on I picked it up then someone took it off my hand but one leg stayed attached to my finger. I was too scared to pull it off and no one would do it for me. I knew it would be there till I pulled it off, but I couldn't.

Earlier in the dream, before Arachnida, I kept having a feeling on my finger. I kept rubbing it but the feeling didn't go away. Later, the spider leg was attached to that same finger. Becky was in my dream too but she didn't seem very happy to see me.

I tried to interpret this dream and I think it's about guilt. There is something I did that I'm sure you know about but I can't write it down. Whenever I remember it, I push it quickly out of my mind. Actually, I've done two very wrong things. Maybe the spider leg is guilt.

Tomorrow, remind me to write about paranoia. I think I'm paranoid. I'll also write about my delusions of grandeur. OK?

I really like my new make-up. I think I look a lot better. It's funner to put on now. Well, I gotta go, it's 12:35am. The grandparents came over for dinner, we had hamburgers. Love forever, Jennifer. P.S. I'm kinda scared of real life spiders."

Jennifer begins to suffer from major guilt her sophomore year! It is related to what happened with Eric and at Whale Park. I looked up dream interpretation. Spiders are meaningful and so is poison. Poison supposedly represents something in your life causing you negativity, disruption or illness. Seeing a spider represents being overlooked by other people. It is also a dream symbol of female protective power. Jennifer was friendless, overlooked, poisoned by her experiences and also trying to protect herself from all of it.

I think it's powerful that images of her experiences would come into her head and she would push them away. She was forcibly trying to block her own memories--this is Jennifer trying to protect herself--but they keep coming back! Just like the sticky spider leg, she ignores it, it terrifies her, she knows that she is the only one with the power to remove it--but she can't face it.

Guilt and shame are major causes of pain for humans, in my opinion. So many of us carry around memories of things we have done or seen or failed to prevent. They haunt us. We don't always feel we deserve happiness. We are humble--but for the wrong reasons. Humbleness because of inadequacy or guilt is low self-esteem, not true humility. Here are some quotes regarding humility as a virtue.

"Many people believe that humility is the opposite of pride, when, in fact, it is a point of equilibrium. The opposite of pride is actually a lack of self esteem. A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this worlds marvels." ---Rabino Nilton Bonder

"True humility is not an abject, groveling, self-despising spirit; it is but a right estimate of ourselves as God sees us." ---Tyron Edwards

"The sufficiency of my merit is to know that my merit is not sufficient." ---St. Augustine

Jennifer will hang onto her guilt for many, many years. She will soon begin to punish herself. Her worst years are ahead of her. She will try to atone through self-abuse but forgiveness is the only path to her own salvation. It will take a bold move from somebody to save her. Her parent's love is not enough. Nobody even knows what has happened to her! It will take a monumental display of forgiveness and sacrifice for her to see her own worth. Something so big that it is talked about for the rest of time! But that's later.....

For now, she is stuck. She strives to be perfect. She writes a contract limiting her behavior to only that which is pleasing. She shoves aside violent memories. She confides in no one, not even in her own diary. She puts on a brave face and gets ready to begin her third high school.

Wayzata High School

Plymouth, Minnesota

Dolphin Daze!

2010-04-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

August 19, 1985 Monday

Dear Ophelia,

"Sorry again. I forgot to write. I have to get back into the habit. Mom and I went shopping again. This time I got a white shirt with a neat blue tie and a blue skirt with a colored, paisley button-up.

Now I'm going to tell you about my career. I've decided I definitely want to dedicate my life to animals, the main one being dolphins. I think I want to become either a behavioral zoologist or maybe a mammologist. I wrote to Wade Doak in New Zealand asking him what he thinks would be best. He wrote a book I read called, Dolphin, Dolphin. Right now I'm reading, Lilly on Dolphins, by Dr. John Lilly. It's an incredible book and pretty encouraging.

This lady, Margaret Howe, studied and lived with Peter dolphin for 2 and 1/2 months. One of my goals is to live with a baby dolphin for 2 or 3 years. I also want to study dolphins in the wild. Dr. Lilly founded an institute in St. Thomas dedicated solely to the communication between man and dolphin. Their brains are bigger than ours. John Lilly feels that instead of looking for aliens in outer space, we should be studying our own aliens in inner space, the dolphins. Their world is completely alien to us. They are the humans of the sea. Anyway, I want to try and communicate with them. I think it's very possible. Bye for now. Love, Jennifer"

Jennifer wrote about her future career before--she was going to be a writer. Her fears and issues with writing made turning to another career pretty easy. She combined her love of animals, her natural curiosity and her desire to find meaning in life all into one new career--dolphin expert! She was excited by Dr. Lilly's research. He believed that eventually people would be able to talk to dolphins. Isn't this every little girls dream--to talk to animals! Well, it was Jennifer's!

Jennifer used to throw open her bedroom door and turn on the light hoping to catch her stuffed animals in the midst of playing a game. She just knew they were magical. She talked endlessly to her pets, willing them to understand her. Jennifer was always seeking, seeking, seeking. It went beyond just her pets, Jennifer was seeking connection.

Humans are not meant to live alone, to feel alone. I think we all seek connection to the point where it ruins us or saves us--just depends on which avenue we use to get there. Lack of connection is worse than an unhealthy connection--this is how so many of us humans get into trouble! Jennifer tried many avenues, God being the last one. Her personal relationship with God finally quenched her need for connection.

August 20, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today was an incredibly boring day. I watched Santa Barbara (I saw the very first show) and some other stuff. I mailed three letters--Dan, Katie and Cheri. Guess what someone (who shall remain nameless) and her boyfriend, Tom, have started having sex. She told me in a letter. They started around February. At least they are still going out. The guys sounds like a jock that only wants one thing from her, but I guess she likes him a lot.

Angela came over to pick up some camping gear. She doesn't make me nervous anymore. I guess I'm getting used to her, she's so pretty and funny. Gotta run. Love, Jennifer."

Jennifer's friend, age 15, sought connection and found it with Tom! Jennifer was amazed by her friend. She couldn't relate to two people choosing to have sex on purpose. She thought her friend was too young. Even Jennifer's ex-boyfriend, Chris, chose not to have sex and he was a high school senior! Jennifer was a weird combination of innocent and knowledgeable from her experience at Whale Park. Her brain had shut down. Her body understood life better than her brain did--if that makes any sense! She was still just a little girl with a dream of speaking to animals!

Jennifer got to meet a dolphin in 1996 in Mexico...Jennifer is the one hugging the dolphin!

One Year Blogiversary!!!

2010-04-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hello readers,

I cannot let the one year anniversary of this blog pass without a celebration! The first entry was posted on April 12, 2009 (so I am a few days late!)

First of all, I want to thank you for reading! Writing is a transaction. Without readers, the transaction is not complete. I write, you receive. I can't do this without YOU! I'm grateful for every comment and all encouragement. Sometimes I feel like I'm writing into a big, black void--and then I get a comment....and it's all worth it!

Here are some statistics about The Jennifer Diaries blog that you might find interesting.

I began tracking visitors on September 14, 2009. Over the last seven months of tracking, this is what I discovered.

The blog has had 1,309 visitors.
They have viewed 2,533 posts.
They have visited from 51 different countries. The top six are--the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, Germany, Brazil and Australia!
The blog has a 66.62% bounce rate. I don't totally understand that but, according to Blogger, that is a pretty good number!

This blog has been nominated for two awards and was also featured in Marin Magazine in November of 2009!

So, Happy Anniversary to The Jennifer Diaries and Happy Anniversary to my faithful readers who have been with me since day one! I appreciate every reader more than you will ever know!

In the words of Jennifer's dad (and Mr. Spock)--Live long and prosper!

Love, Me

And Jennifer

What not to wear!

2010-04-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

August 13, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"It seems I forgot to write yesterday. Well, I babysat Clayton, earned $5. He's a happy kid, didn't cause any problems and ate without mishap. I found out I won't be babysitting everyday but I'll be babysitting weekend nights.

Today I went shopping for new clothes. Dad sent my child support money. It was very depressing. They make things very big nowadays and I'm too thin to wear baggy clothes. My hair isn't really styled now, I'm trying to grow it one length, bangs too. I hate my hair (now), my legs, my knees, I'm too small, thin, I hate my freckles (well at least I'd rather not have them). It was hard to find clothes.

Today I got a nice flannel shirt, a sweater and a pair of nice gray pants. I still need jeans, white, blue and shirts for the fall and spring. Anyway, I'm starting to pull out of that black pit. I need to start something big and finish it. I need to get over my fear of writing. I'm too lazy. I can't get up in the morning. I don't feel like a good person. I wish life was simpler. More later, bye. Love, Jennifer."

I think all kids should get a free fashion consultation if they have no idea how to dress themselves--can this be provided at junior high or high school??? Maybe part of health class? Jennifer didn't want to be a fashion plate--but she could have used some help with what to wear to flatter her figure, what colors went with her skin and what hairstyle went with her face shape. The sad thing is that Jennifer could have been a cute teenager--she just needed a leg up!

August 15, 1985 Thursday

Dear Ophelia,

"Sorry I forgot to write again. Well, yesterday I started writing my book about a band of horses living on an island. It's a lot harder than I thought but I'm glad I started it. The hardest parts are present and past tenses. Like should I say, "The island looked absolutely" or "the island looks absolutely beautiful"? And finding a variety of words to keep the book interesting and non-repetitive. Wording is a tough thing. It's very hard, I don't know if I'm any good yet. I hope I finish it. That'd be great whether the book is good or not.

There's this construction site nearby and the boys and I found out we can call long distance on it. I called Luke, Katie, Mark W. (I don't like him anymore), Mike and Lara. I tried calling Cheri but she was at a triathlon. I can't believe how much she runs. She has her own trainer now. She has to run 3 miles in the mountains one or two times a week. I bet she'll be in the Olympics. She could probably win, she's been running since second grade.

This summer I've been going to bed around 2:00am but sometimes I can't sleep and it's more like 4:00am. I try to wake up at 11:00am but, occasionally, I wake up at 1:00pm. That really sucks. Today I spent about 3 hours writing my book. I have 7 or 8 notebook pages done (front only). I cut myself with my razor yesterday. A big hunk of skin, it was gross.

I found that I like to take complicated things and simplify them. For instance, life. I have dissected life and found the bare existence of it. The complicated part of life comes from our "smart" brains. All we need to survive is food, water, shelter, people etc. No matter how smart you are, or how much money you have, we all need the same basic things to survive.

All money is, is a piece of paper with a number on it and you trade it for objects of equal value to the number. All sex is, is a simple act to make sperm join egg to make a baby. I could go on but paper is precious you know. Anyway, I like to break things down to what they really are. It's about 1:45am Ophelia so I gotta jam. Bye. Love, Jennifer and Cocoa."

Jennifer's Journal

Fear of writing! Seriously?

Actually, Jennifer suffered from perfectionism. People with a fear of spiders, don't play with spiders--EVER. Jennifer wasn't afraid to write, she wrote all the time, she still writes! She went on to major in English Literature because she wanted a major that included a lot of reading and writing!!!

How confused she was! She had no clue how to dress herself, how to act around her peers, how to get along with her step-family or that her perfectionism disabled her ability to finish a story. When she was writing for an end purpose--she panicked about the quality of her work. But did Jennifer fear writing? Absolutely not--she clung to it for dear life!

She's also trying to find meaning in her life. It's interesting how different people find meaning. Jennifer didn't have religion to shape her views. Her family was busy working and paying bills. The bills seemed to make all their decisions for them. They either did or did not have the money to do anything. Jennifer tried to find her way by distilling all meaning out of life. She related more to animals. She tried to take all importance out of money, sex and relationships and boil them down to the animal level. It made sense to her, but also drove her crazy. She was too sensitive to believe that nothing mattered. That is a recipe for depression if I ever saw one!

Jennifer is slipping into a depression that will only be getting worse.....

The Search for Me

2010-04-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Jennifer's diaries are written in lined journals. The previous two had a gold embossed horse on the cover and they were covered in velvet. On August 9, 1985, Jennifer begins a new journal--Volume Three. She titles it "The Search for Me."

She is in Minnesota and it's her mom's birthday.

August 9, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"I got up around 12:30 today and took a shower. Didn't go outside much, it was raining off and on. At 2:00 I watched Santa Barbara (soap). Joel wanted to watch TV with me, and that's okay, but one reason I bought my TV was so that I could watch it alone in my room. I usually hate when people watch TV with me, cause it annoys me.

Last night, Joel and I made mom a cake. Jeff made spaghetti for dinner. The grandparents came over. Joel, Christian and I got mom a MOM cup and a little book to write things in. I made her a card with a little poem in it. Mom liked her presents and stuff. She's 44 now. Jeff was getting on my nerves. It's hard to talk to him cause he has to have the last word. Sometimes I do too. Anyway, I'm watching Johnny Carson now then I'll watch David Letterman. More later. Bye. Your friend, Jennifer."

Jennifer moved to Plymouth, Minnesota over the summer. It is 1994 miles from Foster City, California. That is 29 hours and 22 minutes away by car!

August 11, 1985 Sunday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today we drove up to Elk River, it was too cold to swim. Joel, Christian and I washed the Jeep today. I'm getting really sick of things. Jeff always makes a big deal out of helping out, asking to help and doing things if you think they need to be done. Well, whenever Mom lifts a finger to help us in the slightest way, Jeff says, 'The kids can do that.' Mom usually says, 'I know, it doesn't bother me.' It's like he won't allow Mom to help us at all. He constantly complains to us about stuff the minute he gets home. You slip for one second and you're dead. He's so serious about everything. Nothing is fun with him complaining and carrying on. Then, when he gets mad, he starts saying, "You kids are really great, just great. You don't lift a finger to help anyone else. You always have your hand out. etc.'

Well, I've been trying hard since I got here. Helping when I usually wouldn't, keeping my room spotless (most of the time), not getting into trouble, following rules and I've really tried to get along with Jeff.

There's supposed to be a lot of pressure right now. Jeff is taking his ex-wife to court to try and lower the support money. He's still paying for Joel (who lives with us). We still haven't sold the condo in Alaska so we have to pay for that. Mom's not working right now cause she wants to spend the summer with us. Plus, she'd have to pay the money to Jeff's ex-wife, who she doesn't even know.

Well, as for Jeff. I don't have to like him but I do have to tolerate him. So I'll just do my best to do nothing wrong. That's what I've been doing but it doesn't seem to be good enough. I almost can't wait until Christian leaves, cause then the twins will stop fighting and the stress will be lowered. I've done nothing wrong this summer and I've been a lot better than the boys but I am treated the same as them. Maybe when school starts things will change. Christian will be gone, Mom and will get a job and hopefully the court thing will be over.

Oh well, I'll do my best. Love, Jennifer."

Blending families, dealing with child-support and the economic recession in Alaska--it's a lot on a family! When Jeff married her mother, Jennifer lived with her dad. Jeff probably never counted on raising Jennifer. Joel was a pretty easy kid and Jennifer was not.

She did try her best. She did do things wrong. Jennifer was also under constant stress. Moving, struggling to make friends, feeling alone, hormone surges, worrying about Jeff's problems with his ex-wife, worrying about paying for two households, missing her brother, getting ready to start her third high school--she and her step-dad were destined to butt heads!!! Her mom and Joel were always in the middle.

I think, in the end, everyone did their best.

Elk River, Minnesota

A pretty town about 30 minutes from Plymouth

Re-homing....

2010-03-30T22:31:00.000-07:00

The last entry was dated April 21, 1985. There is no entry for almost four months. And then...

August 8, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"Long time no write pal. Well, I started writing this autobiography so I figured why write in here anymore. But I was looking for an excuse I guess. I'm back now and I'll try and write in here everyday, OK. Bear with me.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I'm 15, in Minnesota and friendless. I moved here at the end of June.

Here's an update on Luke. I've liked him since the first time I saw him and I still do today. I don't fully understand him yet. Katie and him are friends again (did I tell you that?) but it wasn't as good as I'd thought it would be. We didn't do stuff together. Anyway, for awhile Luke was going out with some girl, Sara. Recently I received a letter from Katie and she said they were breaking up cause Sara was kind of mean to Luke. Their relationship was purely sexual and Luke couldn't talk to her very well. I think I still like him, maybe even love him.

I don't understand my feeling for him. One thing I was just thinking about is that Luke doesn't annoy me. I mean, I get annoyed so easily and I guess that's one reason I like him. He graduated from high school and he'll be going to the College of San Mateo next year. His grades aren't so good but he is good at the guitar. So maybe he can get some kinda job in the music business. I hope I can keep in touch with him when we're both adults and on our own. He's a special guy.

Well, I have a lot of subjects to cover: Katie, Mike, Dan, Indiana, summer, Wayzata, clothes, me, future, money and hair.

Katie first. Well Katie and I are still friends of course. I just wanted to tell you about her personality and looks. She's very unique looking, not really pretty but definitely not ugly. She's 16, almost 17 and she'll be a junior this year. Her grades aren't very good but she's a smart person in other ways, same as Luke. She admitted to me that she does like Luke. I suspected that she might. Anyway, she's like no one I've ever met and maybe that's why I like her so much. This is enough for now. You'll learn more about her later.

Around the time I moved, Mike and I became better friends. He used to make me uncomfortable because he was good looking and cause he had a lot of friends. But as I got to know his faults, I became more comfortable around him. Every once in awhile he would ask me over (usually if I called to talk to Luke) and that was nice of him. I guess he was bored and wanted company--so was I. Before I moved, we spent a day together (his idea). We went swimming and he rode me on dad's bike. We did laundry at the laundry place. That night, Sara (not Luke's Sara) had a party in a hotel room so we and some of his friends went to that. But it was boring so we left and went to a different party. I was bored all night though. I wouldn't want Mike for a best friend but I do like him (as a friend). He's fun sometimes. He's OK, you know.

Daniel just left awhile ago back to California. He came up here for about 3 weeks to visit. It was the same as last summer. Joel and Christian totally worshiped him and couldn't do anything without him. I hate when they do that. We don't really fight anymore. Just play fighting. I like him a lot, I'm glad to have him for a brother. Before he left, we went to Dairy Queen then drove around for awhile.

A few weeks ago, Mom, Dan and I drove to Indiana for a family reunion. We stayed with my Uncle Don and his wife. I really liked Uncle Don. He was a great guy. In a way, he reminded me of Luke but he was a little happier. I met my great Aunt Eva and Dorothy and my cousin (I think), Jack, who's in his forties but I really liked him. He reminded me of Luke too. There was a lot of food there and people, around 50 or so. They had a pool so we went swimming there. It was fun. I'm glad I went and met my relatives. I like Aunt Eva.

This summer was okay in California. I went swimming almost everyday and went out at night. It's been boring here, besides Indiana. I don't have any friends yet. All there is to do is go to the library, go swimming in Medicine Lake, lay out (sometimes), go to Ben Franklin's and buy candy, read, watch TV and that's about it. I've been trying to grow my hair. It'll probably take till next summer till it's as long as I want. But it's going to look terrible till then. I'm growing it to just above shoulder length. Maybe my bangs too. Then I'm going to get a braid perm or a body wave.

I'm not mod anymore, that was stupid. When I go shopping for school clothes, I'm going to buy whatever appeals to me. Some things will be in fashion but I do want to dress nicely and more maturely. That'll help when looking for a job. I'll write more on this later.

I'm going to be going to Wayzata High School. I'm not going to let people intimidate me anymore either. I've decided to think of people as equals until they prove differently. It looks like a pretty good school. I think I'll be happy there. They don't have a pool. Damn. Joel's junior high has a great pool. Lucky kid. Tomorrow is mom's birthday. I'll buy a new diary to write in then, OK.

Guess what I did two days ago? I bought my own TV set. It's great. It's a 13 inch, color Hitachi. It works great and has great reception and color! It cost $199.98. I'll be bringing it with me to college.

I put a sign in the office here at the condo's for babysitting. I have $800 dollars now cause I bought the TV. I also stuck little signs in people's doors. Hopefully I'll get some jobs soon and start making some more money. I want as much money as possible for college. Next summer I'll get a job and work full-time.

Anyway, I gotta go. I'll buy a new diary tonight for tomorrow and I'll try to write everyday. Love, your friend, Jennifer. P.S. for my birthday I got a personal touch razor (cosmetic shave), a scientific book, Lilly on Dolphins, Meddle (Pink Floyd album) and $20."

Jennifer had a lot to catch up on. Her relationship with Luke and Katie was the stuff of movies--teen movies. Jennifer felt more for Luke than she first admitted in her diaries. She thought he was perfect but unattainable. He was so much older. She worshiped him.

Jennifer also adored Katie. She found that she could tell Katie anything. So Jennifer spent months confiding to Katie about Luke. Jennifer remembers lounging in Katie's room going on about things Luke said, about his amazing guitar skills, about his brown skin and hair so blond it was almost white, about him wrestling with her and coming over to her house to see her brother and how he rode her around Foster City on his scooter. Katie just listened.

Only later did Jennifer find out that her musings had been pure agony to Katie who was also in love with Luke! Worse, Luke wasn't interested in either of them--although Katie suspected that Jennifer had a better chance with him than she did. Katie tired of hearing about Luke. Once Jennifer moved, their friendship slowly fizzled.

You might remember that Jennifer's mom and step-dad had planned to move to California. Well, they decided it was smarter to live near Jeff's aging parents in Minnesota. Jeff found a job and the family moved to Plymouth, a suburb of Minneapolis. They rented a townhouse in Fox Forest.

Jennifer, dying to get away from her dad, joined them in Minnesota. She liked all the greenery but couldn't stand the humidity, the mosquitoes or the flatness of the land. In Anchorage, Foster City and Littleton she had always been hemmed in by mountain ranges or foothills. Here the land went as far as she could see. She could almost see the curve of the earth! It was not cozy to her. It felt exposed and endless. It was hard to orient north, south, east and west without a hilly border. To her is was a green desert.

When some people have to give up a pet that is not working out for them, they "re-home" it. I guess this sounds better than "getting rid of it" or "giving it away". So I will use this term to describe Jennifer's experience. She has been "re-homed" again (5th move to a new home since the divorce and the fifth brand new school).

This is where we find her now..."15, in Minnesota and friendless."

How will she cope?

P.S. Color TV's had been out for awhile of course! However, shoppers still had the option to purchase a black and white TV at the stores. They were just cheaper.

Connection

2010-03-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

April 21, 1985

Dear Ophelia,

"It's OK now. I care again. My life has gotten better since then. Remember how I was totally happy those last few months in Alaska? Well, I kind of feel that way now. I know a lot of people at school so I don't worry about friends now. They are more like acquaintances but it's OK to have them.

My two friend right now are Katie and Luke. I talk to them and we're friends and I can call Luke and yesterday I went to his house. It's like I can talk to both of them and they both make me so happy. Luke is really unusual, kind of special, and I want to be good friends with him. Well, more on that later. I have to go. Luv, Jennifer"

What a difference SEVEN days makes! Jennifer went from wanting to ruin her life to being happy in seven days. It's all about connection--connection with other human beings. Jennifer remembers drifting around school feeling alone among 1000 kids. She hung out with her brother's friends at home, but they kind of had to like her. At school, she was restless. Katie and Luke were two people who she sparked with, especially Katie. Jennifer wasn't anchored at San Mateo High until she met some people she believed would turn into real friends.

Katie resembled the Ally Sheedy character in The Breakfast Club. She lived in the elite town of Hillsborough in a huge, white house. Jennifer was awed by the house and the money, until she was invited inside. Katie's mother was drunk from morning to night. She was a pasty, shapeless, incoherent blob. She smelled. She always wore a moo moo and sat on the couch. Katie and her sister took care of her. She did nothing to mother her girls that Jennifer ever saw. There was no man in the house. Jennifer sensed all the pain in that house and in Katie. She has always been attracted to broken people.

Katie's house looked almost exactly like this Hillsborough home--except the trees and bushes were wild and unkempt.

The 2009 median price of a home in Hillsborough is around 1.2 million.

Everything is going to change for Jennifer again in the next entry. Everything.

In the meantime, I decided to include some of Jennifer's poetry and fiction now and then. A lot of her fiction isn't dated. Jennifer often wrote dark poems and fiction. Raised during the Cold War, Jennifer was soaked with images of nuclear war and a devastated planet. Here she ponders a broken world... (she had always heard that only the rats and the cockroaches would survive!)

Me in the Tree with the Rats up to Bat

Two suns

blaze tandomly in the sky

(a double order of fried eggs).

Freshly born rats run rampant in the meadows.

They have learned no fears.

Inflamed with insatiable hunger,

the baby rats rip bare

the bones of our skeletal world.

I cannot swing

above the Earth forever.

Soon, I must come down to eat

(or be eaten).

Meltdown!

2010-03-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

I want to see a psychiatrist NOW!

Sunday April 14, 1985

dad=Charles. When I say D, I mean C. I'll write D cuz it's shorter.

Dear Ophelia,

I need help! I need major psychological help! My life is ruined. Last night, Amy and I got picked up by some guys. Dad said to be home by 11:30 but I came home at 3:30am. Well, Dad doesn't trust me at all anymore and he said my new curfew is 9:30 pm.

I am scared for my life. I know I'm going to do something drastic (not because of the punishment). I told Dad that I hate him and that I have no respect for him. I really told him and it's true. I know it. I loathe Charles.

Well, you see, now that Dad doesn't trust me at all--I have no incentive to make him trust me. How can he trust me any less? So now I feel free to do any bad things I want cuz Dad doesn't trust me anyway. I also told him that I hate him so now he knows that. So I can treat him like crap and it won't matter. I am so worried about myself now. I just don't care!!

And I hate myself for being so lazy. Now I'm worried about my future. I totally want to screw up my life now. And I don't care about the consequences. This worries me, but I don't care.

It's so easy not to care and you know how lazy I am, it is so easy just to have fun and not to care. I really need to be set straight but I'm too lazy to do it myself. I've decided that I do want to screw up my life. I'm so damn psychologically unbalanced it's not even funny. I'm not looking for a police record or hard drugs cuz they will affect me forever. I can't believe what I'm going through right now. God, what happened to who I used to be? What happened? What is my problem?

I am so confused!!! I don't have any friends except Lara that calls me and cares about me.

I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH

I want to get out of this life. I want to start over. I want OUT. Now.

All this isn't because I'm mad about the punishment. It's because I hate dad and he doesn't trust me at all. I don't give a damn anymore. I'm mad because now that I have to be in early, I won't have any chances to make real friends. No one wants a friend that can't go out or anything.

Jen."

This whole entry was kind of a shock to Jennifer, but not for the reasons you might think. She wasn't shocked that she was enraged at her dad--that was an ongoing thing. She wasn't shocked that she hated herself--that was an ongoing thing too. She was shocked that her dad disciplined her!

Jennifer was out of control in California. She always thought that was because her dad didn't discipline her or give her any boundaries. Yes, he left her alone all the time and he gave her plenty of cash--but he did lay down the law when he caught her doing something dangerous or against the rules. He did nose into her business. He did try to keep her away from boys. He did try to protect her.

Jennifer is stunned to realize today that maybe she left California because of the boundaries, not because of the lack of them. Honestly, it was easier to pull the wool over the eyes of her mom and step-dad. In Alaska, she could do whatever she pleased once her parents went to bed. They never woke up. She sneaked in and out, watched TV all night, made out with boys, smoked cigarettes. How did her dad know she came home at 3:30 in the morning??? He knew because he was paying attention! I think this is the real reason why Jennifer left California. I also think this is why she got into such horrible fights with him!

I was intrigued by Jennifer's false desire to ruin her life. She writes, "This worries me, but I don't care." That's an oximoron if I ever heard one. She totally cares! Jennifer is desperate, I can feel it radiating off the page. She wants to do something drastic, but nothing that will affect her when she's like thirty. Can anyone relate?

She's crying out for help. Even she knows it. Jennifer writes that she wants to see a psychiatrist. But she doesn't think to ask for one. It's the strange time between childhood and adulthood when, I think, kids believe that adults should know what they need.

This is the fragile time when we can only pray that our teenagers do not do something drastic that ends up affecting them when they are thirty!

Her dad's disappointment in her just killed Jennifer. She already felt alone and worthless. She was worried that she wouldn't make friends if she couldn't go out at night. She believed her life was over. She was probably hormonal too. She was living with two men and she had no real girlfriends. Her pets weren't enough anymore. I do believe that teenagers are just big toddlers with acne. I think that Jennifer was having a first class fit!

I still love her though :)

Can you feel her angst?

I also feel Jennifer's sadness over the girl she used to be. Jennifer is grieving the end of her childhood. When Jennifer finally grew up and got married and decided to have kids--she hoped that she would never have a daughter of her own. She was openly afraid to raise a girl. She wanted nothing to do with one. So, of course, Jennifer's second child was born a girl!

This child has been a special gift from God. She is a tiny replica of Jennifer herself. She is almost nine years old now. She obsesses over animals. She goes to neighbors' houses and asks to photograph their pets. She writes in two diaries already. One is about her real life pets and one is about her imaginary pets. She writes poetry and short stories. She talks to herself. She buries any dead animal she finds. She rides horses. She plays soccer. She piles her bed high with her stuffed animals. Jennifer likes to joke that her daughter is actually a clone.

Through this child, Jennifer has gotten her own childhood back. Every day with her daughter heals the girl inside Jennifer. She believes that her daughter is a better version of herself. She is Jennifer without the divorce, without all the moving, without all the insecurity. Jennifer watches her daughter grow with pure fascination. This girl is showing Jennifer a childhood uninterrupted.

Jennifer thanks God every day for all her kids--but she is especially grateful for the one she never expected.

Did you do anything drastic as a teen that has affected the rest of your life?

Fashion Plates

2010-03-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

March 1985 Monday (no date)

Dear Ophelia,

"I just read a great book called The Catcher in the Rye. It was great! I think I want to marry Holden. He was just so real and looked at life the way it should be looked at. I've read it before but I didn't understand it then.

I loved the way Holden pegged phonies. He could spot a phony and phony things a mile away. It was great. He was so casual and laid back except he was nervous too.

I loved his ideas about totally leaving and going off to a cabin or something. If he would of asked me, I would have said yes. That's exactly the kind of thing I want to do. Just get away from this phony, stage front life and go somewhere where people aren't so damn phony and naive.

He is kind of negative but I'm sure he has his happy moments. Lately, I've been real depressed. Mostly cause I don't have many good friends down here and because I don't think Luke likes me or understands me. I went to a shopping mall and all over were fluorescent clothes and shit and phony people. I got so pissed. They even have fashion mod clothes and fashion punk clothes. I could have puked. I hate shopping malls! It depressed me. Clothes are just meant to cover up a person's body and keep them warm. But in a mall, everything is dedicated to fashion. I hate fashion, it sucks.

I wish I could make the world understand how unimportant clothes are as far as fashion and stuff. I know how phony it is but I wish everyone could know. I dress mod now and some fashion plates down on me cause I'm not wearing their preppy fashions and that pisses me off because I'm the one looking down on them! They think they're so cool for their clothes but it all sucks.

Anyway, let's talk about depression. Holden really pegged depression good. Phony people depressed him. They depress me too. I can't stand them. On St. Patrick's day I saw two old ladies walking down the street with green spray in their hair. It depressed the hell out of me. They were walking around as if they were in a parade and people were hooting and they were smiling. I couldn't stand it. Old people really depress me, especially ones that are hunched over. I never want to be old with white, skinny, wrinkly legs with blue veins and frail skin and brittle bones and a saggy body. I'd rather be dead. Weakness has always depressed me.

Anyway, my foot still hurts so I didn't run much today. I think it may be a little psychological because I kind of don't want to run track, even though I do good at the races. Oh well, I should decide soon.

By the way, I talk to myself. I've always done it but in a way it worries me. I kind of think I'm partly insane but I'm proud of it (if I am). I love talking to myself. I did it in Alaska too, even when I had good friends and I was happy up there. I always pretend that there's someone in the room with me. Sometimes a friend or an enemy or someone I made up. I talk to them and it's the most realistic thing in the world. It's gotten so real that I sometimes think that there is somebody in the room. I always check under the bed and in the closets. The only place I feel "safe" is in the bathroom, maybe cause it's so small. Maybe I'm just insecure or something. Oh well, I gotta go. Love ya, Jennifer. P.S. Friday night I went to Mike M.'s party. It was ok but a lot of stuck up people came. I got a little stoned. On Saturday, Luke and I went swimming in Luke's pool. Robert was there. I was so embarrassed to have Lara there. I really don't like her anymore. She's phony, more later."

The 80's were not good for fashion, truly. I remember the florescent clothes, the leg warmers, the preppy polos and sweaters over the shoulders, the gloves with the fingers cut out, the rosary beads and the big hair. The movie, The Breakfast Club, kind of summed up the different social groups and their fashions. Jennifer related to Ally Sheedy's character but life would have been easier as Molly Ringwald (or so Jennifer thought). As much as she despised phoniness, she envied the girls who fit in.

The Breakfast Club, Released 1985

I think it stems from all the moving. If Jennifer had stayed in one place, she and her set of friends would have grown up together. They would have shaped each others styles and tastes. Jennifer didn't grow up with anybody. She changed friends, parents, pets and even siblings on a regular basis. She did not share her childhood with anyone for more than a few years. She had no social identity.

She knew what she wasn't--she wasn't a fashion plate, a prep, a jock or a punk rocker. She tried to be "mod" because it was California casual and cheap. When she saw the name brand stores begin to copy the thrift store look--it was the ultimate fashion betrayal. She just wanted to give up!

The florescent look!

Jennifer vaguely remembers the green-haired ladies. The scene upset her so much because she felt like people were laughing at the old ladies. It reminded her of how people laugh at chimps wearing clothes or bears riding bikes in the circus. In hindsight she thinks the ladies were pretty cool, but at the time, she thought they were making fools of themselves. Jennifer lacked a sense of humor, which was probably one of her biggest problems. It's not that her life was so bad, it's that she took everything so seriously.

Also, regarding Jennifer's fear of aging, she had no living grandparents and no aunts or uncles who visited her. She did not know one elderly person. She didn't see any upside to being old. She was lucky enough to meet Jeff's parents later in 1985. They ended up "adopting" Jennifer as a granddaughter.

Once she got used to them, she fell in love with them! She enjoyed listening to their stories. Where once she saw weakness, she learned to see wisdom. She is so grateful for them because they opened her heart to the elderly and they loved her when she felt unlovable.

Jennifer writes about talking to herself. She worried that she might be crazy. I don't know, but I think that if you are truly crazy, you aren't aware of it. She knew it was odd and she knew that she was only talking to herself. It might have felt real, but she never thought it was real. She never heard anyone talking back to her. I think that talking out loud was another way for Jennifer to express herself. She had Ophelia and she had herself--the only things in her life that moved with her!

Did you talk to yourself when you were a child?

Failure to Thrive

2010-03-01T12:35:00.000-08:00

March 16, 1985 Saturday

Dear Ophelia,

"Well, I missed both track meets cuz I hurt my foot, more on that later.

Last night I was going to the Aragon dance but my ride didn't go, Travis and Nanette, so neither did I. Oh well. Tonight we're going to the laser light show in San Francisco. Luke's going so it should be fun. I don't want to go out with Luke like I did with Chris. I just want to go out with him once in awhile and kiss him you know. I want to be a close friend but not a friend, know what I mean? I don't know if he even likes me at all. I think he knows I like him though. Nanette does, but she just figured that I did. I didn't tell her.

I have to write an essay this weekend. Fun huh? Yea, it is! Tomorrow I want to go shoppin' (ha ha) and stuff. I gotta go, bye Ophie. Love ya, Jennifer. P.S. Here are my measurements (32 1/2, 23 1/2, 33 1/2) sucky!"

I believe it's a good thing that Jen kept her twelve-year-old figure well into her high school years. She had enough troubles with boys as it was!

March 21, 1985 Thursday

Dear Ophelia,

"Hi. I was sick Monday (tired actually). Today we had a track meet at Carlmonte High School. I ran the mile. But I haven't practiced for a week. I was trying to decide whether or not to keep on track. I finally decided to stay on and I'm happy for it.

Well, I ran the mile in 6 minutes, 16 seconds. Kris L. (junior) tried to pass me on the last lap but I didn't let her. We ran neck and neck for most of the lap, then at the end, I pulled away and got fourth place. I was proud of myself. I was so determined not to let her pass me. I think she was a little mad at me though but I hope not.

I'm going to write about myself now. First of all, I'm not very self-confident right now. In 7th and 8th grade, I was trying to 'find myself' like I am now. But at Bartlett, I had so many good friends. I was a lot more confident and happy every day. I think that's why I'm not confident now. It's because I don't have many good friends.

I crave attention. Sometimes I may be a little immature but hey, I'm a freshman (ha ha). I think all the time. My friends catch me looking off into space. I like to think and fantasize about all kinds of things. I like to think of glory, money (what I would do if I had it), horses, boys, heroism (me) and stuff.

I need attention. I need to be appreciated. I can tell because: I dream about it a lot, being well-known, a heroine or a great athlete etc.; the way I dress attracts attention now; whenever I'm alone I talk to myself and pretend that someone else is with me (I do this a lot lately). Anyways, this proves that I crave attention (good attention). I even like (sort of) to get embarrassed (not humiliated) in a good way.

I can't understand why I don't have good morals. Remember the things I've done. I've also been stoned three times. I'm not sure what to do with guys. I want to make out with them and even have sex with the ones I like. Most of my friends are virgins. I think I'm a slut (I hide it though) but in my mind--I'm not.

I'm still stubborn, but in a better way and I'm still proud, but in a better way. I am flirty. I flirt with Luke and it is so obvious that I like him.

I've decided to just be a happy person. If I'm nervous about something, instead I'll just smile and not worry about it. I don't get as nervous now before a meet as I used to. Maybe it's because they're not as serious in California.

I do want to be respected by guys and girls. I hate being used.

My temper isn't as bad, except with my dad. I don't get as mad as often.

I want to be self-confident without being phony, you know. I hate phoniness. I'm working on it. Love ya, Jennifer. P.S. Stay cool!"

Jennifer has had a frail grasp of herself in relation to others for a long time. When her parents divorced, she felt insecure for the first time in her life. She remembers clearly her first emotion the day her parents told her they were divorcing--it was shame. Somehow, she wasn't enough for them. She and her brother weren't worth the effort to remain a family. That's how she felt.

The assault at whale park destroyed the last bit of confidence she had left. It spread through her like poison. She took on the demeanor of an abused person. Even though it was against her will--Jennifer didn't realize for many years that the assault at whale park was his crime, not hers. She labeled herself a slut rather than label him a rapist. What is it about people who blame themselves for everything? Where does that come from? Jennifer didn't seek help for any of her problems. She tried to be tough. She bore the responsibility.

But young Jennifer wasn't tough, she was hyper-sensitive. If she were a zoo animal--she would have required careful attention. Jennifer's upbringing goes against everything a zoo keeper is taught about how to keep animals healthy and happy. Animals, especially primates, need consistency, security, stability, lasting social relationships, stimulation, protection, family bonds etc. Adjustments to living conditions need to be made slowly and infrequently.

Jennifer experienced frequent moves, separation from key family members (mother, father, brother), radical dietary, cultural and temperature changes from state to state, constant grieving for the missing parent, broken friendships, attacks from juvenile males and the stress of trying to fit in with a new father and brother.

Just because Jennifer is a human being who can think, doesn't mean that she can handle all of this upheaval any better than a sensitive, social animal like a gorilla could. Insecurity and abnormal behavior would be expected with the gorilla. It would need to be rehabilitated. It won't be a big surprise when Jennifer ends up in a rehab center, not once, but twice!

People expect teens to act out. Adding hormones to immaturity is just asking for trouble. Parents still need to be aware that some behaviors aren't "normal". It is obvious when an animal or a human baby is failing to thrive. It's not so obvious in teens.

I don't have the answers but I think teens are more fragile than they act. They need everything that a two-year old needs--fuel for their growing body, time-outs after their tantrums, lots of sleep, clear boundaries, mommy-and-me time, huge praise when they do well, lots of hugs, two parents (whenever possible), snacks and naps, supervised play dates, pencils to chew on (yes, teenagers are still teething), exercise to tire them out and stability.

They are not always lovable, they can be more like porcupines than bunnies--but the teen years are the worst years to let a child fend for them self. We should care for them with the same quality and attention to detail that the animals get in the zoo, at minimum! (A good zoo, that is!)

A keeper plays mommy to an orphaned young gorilla!

When you were a teen, did you thrive or just survive?

When in Rome...

2010-02-21T15:17:00.000-08:00

March 10, 1985 Sunday

Dear Ophelia,

"I think I did great on the Great Expectations test (A).

Well, Friday I had a track meet. Luke was there for P.E. make-up so I got to see him a lot. He said he wanted to see me run but, right before my race, he had to go to his locker and he missed. A mile doesn't take long to run. I got 4th place (not sure of my time yet). I felt great during the race maybe because I stretched out a lot. I didn't feel like giving up or anything. I am well pleased with it.

After the race, Luke and I talked while we waited for my dad. I like him so much. It was a good talk. Last night he came over with Alex and they stayed for awhile. We wrestled and stuff, it was fun. I like to be close to him you know. I haven't really talked to Chris in awhile. I'm really glad that its over for us.

Yesterday, I went shopping in some thrift stores (they're really neat) and to the Redwood City trading post. I got a wool army jacket, its really neat (I say 'neat' too much), 3 shirts, a skirt and some rosary beads. Today I got some gray nail polish, its cool looking. Well I gotta go, bye. Your friend, Jennifer. P.S. I'm a little happier now."

No matter how one feels about clothes, clothes say a lot about us. Jennifer is trying out the vintage look and shopping at thrift stores. She might not be spending a lot of money, but she is spending a lot of time and energy trying to create a look that proves she cares nothing for fashion. The "fashionable" girls spent their weekends the same way--shopping for clothes, necklaces and matching nail polishes! Even when you try not to fit in--you still kind of do!

Jennifer, being raised outside of religion, did not even know the meaning of rosary beads. She knew they had something to do with the Catholic religion. Somehow they became associated with rebellion rather than religion. She wore them, not out of spite for religion, but out of sheer ignorance to their significance.

March 11, 1985 Monday

Dear Ophelia,

"Hi. Saturday I got some new clothes at a thrift store--great for mod clothes. I got some rosary beads too but I'm not religious at all. Well, I think Luke hates me and he's making fun of me but my mind could be making a big deal out of it (I hope so). I think he knows I like him. I hope he'll just like me for a friend you know.

Today in track we had to do this eight times: a 440 sprint then rest for 3 1/2 minutes then another 440 sprint etc. It was hard. 8 times is two miles. Well for the majority of laps, especially the last four, I was in front and in one lap, Kris L. (junior) passed me. Usually I'd just say OK, I can't catch her now, but this time I caught her and beat her. I was so determined. It was really neat. Usually, I'm pretty lazy.

Then we went to Coyote Point about 2 miles away and we went wading in the bay. We even swam a little. We got totally soaked and had to go back to school in wet, white t-shirts. It was so fun! Listen, I gotta go. Bye, love ya. Your friend, Jennifer. P.S. Please don't let Luke hate me."

Gotta wonder about that track coach! He took his girls track team, dressed in white t-shirts, swimming! Well, it was probably innocent. Jennifer doesn't remember that ever happening again. Sometimes, people just don't think ahead! I wonder how many heads turned when that gang of female athletes in wet t-shirts returned to campus!

Jennifer and Kris L. would become track rivals. Sadly, Kris was nothing like Cheri. Cheri and Jennifer encouraged each other. Cheri was the better runner, but she congratulated Jennifer the few times Jennifer beat her in a race. Better to be beat by your friend and teammate than by a girl from another school!

Kris did not share these sentiments. Instead of bonding them, their skills divided them. Jennifer found that her success at track was alienating her rather than endearing her.

March 12, 1985 Tuesday

Dear Ophelia,

"Today I skipped track because I went to Mike's so he could cut my hair. Well, Luke was there and I don't think he hates me. I think I'm just sort of a friend. We play-fought for awhile (like me and Dan). It was fun.

Well, after Mike cut my hair, he though it would look good if I bleached it, so did I, so we did. And guess what, I have orangy-blonde hair now. I like it though. Dad doesn't but its not bad once you get used to it.

I still have major insecurity problems but I've found a way to overcome them. I'm just going to be myself and just be nice and not worry what people think. Who can resist a nice person? I think it'll work, you know.

We're having a track meet Thursday and Saturday.

Well, I think if I'm just a real nice person everything will be fine. I wish I didn't have these dumb problems.

I have a lot of homework. Not tonight, but I have to write an essay and an in-depth story for journalism. Well, I gotta go, love ya. Your friend, Jennifer. P.S. We're dissecting crawdads in biology."

I don't know why Jennifer had such problems being herself. Every time she changed schools and cultures (which was a lot), she studied everyone around her and tried to "fit in". Its a handy survival tool but it left her confused. She didn't have an established identity with her peers. She did not have this identity crisis at home with her family. At school, she found her peers' social customs to vary radically from state to state.

The things that worked for her in one state did not work for her in another. Girls want to fit in by nature (speaking generally of course!). Jennifer was completely normal in that way. She wanted to be accepted by girls her age. This desire to be part of a group is vital to human existence, but it just about killed Jennifer as an individual!

Jennifer trying to dress like the locals!

Coyote Point Recreation Area

670 acre park in San Mateo County

Acquired by San Mateo in 1942

Park juts out into the San Francisco Bay

Its located just south of SFO and is a great place to watch airplanes

The Coyote Point Museum for Environmental Education was the first ecology museum in America

It is one of the Bay Area's major museums

Coyote Point