The Intense Squid

A Day to Remember

2012-01-22T19:36:00.000-08:00

Memories fade. It's the nature of these type things. So, I need to write this down before I forget the fine details of one of the best days of my life to date.

As you can imagine, coming home from months abroad is a memorable experience in itself. As highly anticipated as it was I could have never dreamed it would be like this.

Not an hour went by, the last few weeks of my stay in Africa, that I didn't think about what seeing her again would be like. Of course, I couldn't wait to see her and hold her. She had been there for me this whole time and now I would be seeing her live and in person.

I was worried that I might feel differently when I saw her again, that I wouldn't feel the same as I did in those few passionate weeks before I shipped out. I knew I loved her and would be glad to see her but wasn't sure if the magic would still be there.

I couldn't help but fantasize over the moment I would see her again. I wanted to sweep her off her feet and never let her touch the gourd again. This added more pressure as it greatly increased the anticipation and my anxiety about the reunion.

When I finally saw her, after an hour of wondering around the almost empty Cleveland airport, it was like I was seeing for the first time in real life something that had only existed in my dreams. My dreams didn't do her justice. I couldn't believe that this angel was mine... and she was just as overwhelmed and nervous as I was.

In her high heel boots, fluffy pink coat that matched her shinny pink lip gloss she held up a colorful sign with my name on it that she made herself. She cut all the letters out of colored construction paper with an execto knife she proudly told me. I was very proud of that as well. I felt so loved and by someone I loved with all my heart.

We held hands and wondered around the airport... we didn't know where we where going... we didn't care.

It was so much better than I could have hoped and our relationship was better than before. So all in all, a pretty good day I'd say :)

What's Left?

2011-12-19T05:44:00.000-08:00

When I look around I see nothing worth emulating. I see disatar, divorce, disease and just plain bad examples. I hear advice from wise men and then read of how they made secret deals and decisions that goes against their own advice. I hear stories of fiends who's weddings I went to in just the past few years already marriages have ended in divorce. Another friend's partets after 24 years of marriage are separated, he is with his new girlfriend in another state and she is broken and alone.

I'm afraid to ask for relationship advice because I dread the day my mentors call me broken and needing a place to stay while they figure out to do with the kids. Nothing seems soiled.

Is marriage an illusion?

I don't know. Maybe. All I have is control over who I am. I can control what I think and do. I make my own decisions. The warnings are clear. This is easy to screw up! This may be work and involves an amount of risk.

A Cafe Conversation

2011-12-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, due to lack of space at the local cafe, I ended up surrounded by a gaggle undergraduates. All girls, all Christians, all ready to talk about everything and anything. The conversation quickly headed to boys and relationships. I just worked on my computer and pretended not to be listening. But of course I was, to one degree or another.

"I'm stil looking for him, I know God has it all worked out but I'm still looking." One girl exclaimed happily.

"I'm not searching at all, he should find me, that's how it should be... I don't want a man I have to pursue anyway!" another said, in a more somber and almost cynical tone. The other girls seemed to agree... or at leaste go along with it.

In a very excited and forward manner the girl sitting next to me almost shouted "I'm in a relationship actually" as if she had been keeping that in the whole conversation and couldn't hold it in any long and just burst!

"It's relatively new" she continued, "but we love each other" this statement commanded all of our attention.

"Is he the one you think?" someone asked.

"I don't know... BUT I talk to him about it not too long ago and he told me 'I'm trusting the entire matter to God, if he wants us together than we'll be together, if not, then His will be done'"

The whole group let out this love sick sigh. "That's so cute", one said and the others odiously and unanimously agreed.

"I know right?! I've never had a man that seeks God's will before his own"

Thing is, I've used those words many times. "Let's let God decided, His will before ours"

I never really meant it though, it was just easier than saying, "That's not what I want"

I see the two phrases as interchangeable or did, rather.

I wasn't lying either. God knew just as well as I did that those relationships, partnerships, project and whatever else wouldn't work out. It's just I did know the plan because I decided it.

I really felt bad for the girl. I mean, I don't know her that well and do not know the man she was talking about but my gut reaction to the statement was "honey, you're being played!"

FLASH BACK..

I was at dinner one night five or six years ago and being asked what my philosophy on dating was. I said, "I'm waiting for God to work something out" everyone at the table seem to think that was a splendid idea and commended me for thinking on such a level. That is everyone except the senior Pastor who happened to be sitting across from me.

He told me, "you'll be waiting a long time if that's your plan"

Shocked by this response from one of the most God fearing and God seeking men I know, I asked "So then what should I do??"

What he said next has stuk with me till now. "Date people, try and figure it out. Once you think you found her, pray about it for sure and then pursue her with everything you have... oh, and once you have her don't stop."

THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT.

We need to seek God in all things but we should never use that as cover to do our own thing. Further more, indecision is often not from God and I would be very cautions of people who don't do things, good things, because God hasn't given them specific direction. God gave you a mind and the ability to make choices. It's good to make informed decisions and have God's blessing in all we do but God WILL NEVER make a decision for you! That's not the kind of God he is, that is NOT love!

Love and Commitment

2011-12-10T23:30:00.001-08:00

I believe that commitment allows us to love better!

Commitment should come before how we feel any given moment.

For example, "I would never cheat on my girlfriend because I am happy and I'll never meet a girl who would or could ever fill that void as well and as completely as her"

That's good but that's not enough.

I made a decision to love her and fill this roll in her life. It was a wise decision that I'm very proud of. God has blessed me!

Just incase a rouge day may come that I don't feel the same as I do today, I made a promise to be her's and her's alone. I made the choice to love her every day, even when I don't feel like it, for whatever reason. That commitment to "us" is why I act the way I act. It's the reason I will always be her's.

A relationship should be a major source of peace in the lives of both parties. We are humans; spiritual creatures that are always changing. Relationships should grow and change but also provide an anchor point.

A Needed Wait

2011-08-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

6 months ago at a coffee shop in Cleveland I was told by a girl that she wasn't ready for a relationship and that I probably wasn't either. Which was, in all honesty, very true.

Today, 6 months later, sitting across from the same girl, holding both of my hands my girlfriend told me "thank you for waiting".

I knew I needed write about this but I didn't exactly know about what aspect to write. How it was worth the wait? How hard it was at times? How happy I am at this very moment that we both waited? How cool my God is for giving us the desires of our hearts?

Actually, I think the most important thing that I need to share is how necessary those 6 months were for me. I needed to really grasp how important commitment was. How volnruble I needed to make yourself to make an honest attempt at loving someone else. 6 month ago I wasn't ready. I would have gotten hurt or worse, I would have hurt her.

I am in love and thanks to God and an amazing girl I have the capacity to love. I don't have this all figured out, I don't know what's next or what tomorrow hold but I do know that what we have started is real and worth investing a life time.

I would like a new brain please!

2011-08-12T05:53:00.001-07:00

I think I've ruined this brain. Filled it with filth. Created all kinds of twisted patterns. Like leaving a very expensive tuxedo in the mud and rain for several weeks, far past salvaging. My mind seems to have even turned on it's own body as well.

Lord Jesus, please, pick me up out of the mud. Take me in. Remove the stains. Iron me straight and add starch so I don't go back to how I was. Make me like new! Make me useable again!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Eagle Cir,Elyria,United States

The 7 Minute Storm

2011-08-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

The sunset this afternoon preached a sermon to me. It had rained for like 7 minutes earlier and I was a little pissed as I had plans to wash my car and detail it. As it always goes, I get it all sudded up and it starts to rain. It wasn't long after that the window shades in the house began to glow this bright orangeshish peach color. Very odd looking but very pretty. So I make my way to the front porch to find the most spectacular sunset I have seen in to 9 months I've lived here. It was one of those sights that makes you think about things. It was a little embarrassing even to think that I was actually upset about what was necessary to cause this breathtaking sight. People are now coming out of their houses and taking walk down the street just to take it all in. I can't help but think about my impending 6 month interment in Africa. How I know it's what I want to do and it's God's plan. How much it's going to suck to leave the comforts of America. How much it's going to hurt to leave Caitie for that long. But how necessary it is, the 7 minute storm. Without it the most beautiful sunsets would not happen.

Only Way... or the Other

2011-08-03T14:04:00.001-07:00

There is always more than one way to do e everything. More often than not the set way; the way they want you to do it is sloppy and inefficient.

Often we like a tried and true method. A format to follow. However, I believe there is a deeper part of our being that wants something different. We sometimes call this being "indignant" or "unruly". It's not though! It is just that deeper person telling our continence person that there is another way.

The steam engine was laughed at. Just about everyone thought Edison was waisting his time on trying to create an electric lamp. There'a another way. There's always another way!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Tranquility Ln,Lorain,United States

Pastor's Meeting

2011-07-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

This is just kinda a waist of time. Talking about how God might move. Which is good, just we're not doing anything... Just talking about what God will do or might do... If He wants (I assume that's what they are getting at). I don't know why we are here really. They are selling books... but for cheap, can't imagine they are making any money... so that's not it. I just can't figure it out. We all know Jesus... to varying degrees I'm sure. I'm sooo board. I'd rather be at the LOVE Center giving out food or working on my upcoming trip to Uganda or in my car worshiping/praying. I mean, I'm doing some studying and blogging (as you may have noticed) so I'm fine... just confused.

Band of Hawaiian Scalawags, Scoundrels & Pirates - Part 2

2011-07-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Last time on Band of Scalawags, Scoundrels and Pirates. Bart the Bad Ass and Trevor were transferred to the Cleveland, Ohio division because Bart killed 3 men and a monkey during a cargo raid and Trevor was allergic to Red Beard's Calico and favored Ohio's cost of living.

In Cleveland there are really only 4 good pirating month of the year due to the bad winter weather. This forced Bart and Trevor to find other work during the winter months. Bart's obsession with loot led him to the financial field where he quickly found a job as a bank teller at PNC in Mentor where he was just named employee of the month. His persuasion tactics led to a great increase PNC credit card applicants. Trevor, however, is still looking for work. He made cakes for a while at DQ but was let go because the only things he could draw on cakes were sea battle scenes, kittens and what appeared to be attempts at self portraits. The job was far below his potential anyway.

Meanwhile, back in Hawaii, Betty the Beautiful and Busty Bohemian comes to realize, just hours too late, that she has feeling for Bart. Little does Betty know that Bart has always loved her but never could bring himself to swallow his massive pirate pride and tell her how he felt. Well, he also liked the horehouse... that didn't help either.

It is now the 20th day of September, in the year of our Lord MMXI. The phone rings at 8:12 AM. Trevor, sleeping on the floor and slightly hung over, clammers to his feet in just enough time to completely miss the call. Now standing he figures he made it this far he should probably do something productive. Bart was in the shower (NOTE: Pirates do not shower when pirating however they do shower when banking) so that wasn't an option. Outside looked appealing, so he went for a walk. After making it to the middle of the front yard he realized this was not a good idea and laid down in the yard. The phone rang again this time Bart heard it and went to pick it up. It was Walmart, they wanted to interview Trevor for a greeter position.

Not being able to find Trevor, Bart used his best Trevor impression and setup an interview for the following morning. Happy for his comrade he wrote the following on a sticky note which he stuck to Trevor forehead on his way out to work:

Interview at WalMARRRT

Tomorrow at 10 am

JOB HAOYYY!!!

HAR, HAR, HAR, HAR!!

sincerely yours,

B.B.A.

To be continued...

What makes me smile?

2011-05-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

Smiles come from a few places. They happen when we are happy, amused or when we are being tickled. They also come from painful places. We use our smile to cover up how really feel sometimes. We smile when we are anxious or embarrasses. We smile when we meet new people and when we are in love.

So, allot of things make me smile. My friends and their jokes. A good southern breeze and a flat lake. The Office, on NBC. Sunday mornings when I feel like I should be in bed still but I have to be pleasant I smile. I smile when my heart is broken and I want people think I’m OK. I smile when people ask me very personal questions… too personal questions. I smile when I’m angry but don’t want things to get confrontational. I smile for pictures. I smile when I don’t have anything to say. I smile when I know that what I just said will be easier to swallow with a smile.

Sometimes smiles come from a deeper place. You know the smiles I’m talking about, the ones that require no effort. In fact, it would take great effort to stop them. They may come with tears or laughter or a host of other crazy actions. This kind of real, genuine smile happened when I graduated dispute a learning disability. They happen when I fall in love. These smiles happen when I think about how completely I’m loved by a God who knows every flaw.

2011-05-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

I've been testy lately. Irritable really. However, I feel great! I'm healthy and rested. I'm eating well and just about everything is in order. Yet, I'm just plain pissed off. I'm boarded with everything and don't feel like doing anything new.

The worst part is I think I'm being mean to my friends and family. I don't want to be, they don't deserve it.

Can't put my finger on way. I'm list a few possibilities.

1) Africa:

I'm traveling to Africa in the fall yet don't have the funds yet to do it. I also don't really know what I'm going to do with all my stuff when I move.

2) Girl:

There's a girl that I like and would love to date but she has decided not to date anyone for a while. Not sure if this has to do with me or not but it is frustrating. I feel like I'm in Jr. High again :/

3) Work:

Not feeling very effective at work. I am but I don't feel like I'm making any real contribution.

Great Reversal

2011-05-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

I'm twenty five and have am a college graduate as of this last weekend. Wow, in allot of ways I feel like I'm still in High School and in other ways I feel like it's almost time to retire. It's hard to put a finger on why I feel this way but there is one distinct change that I can describe.

As I've grown up a bit these last few years, I noticed a change in me.

As a kid and up until recently really, I found my identity in others and served myself. Now, I'm beginning to find my identity in myself and am trying my best to serve others. I call this the "Great Reversal" because this is my blog and I can.

For a long time I let my relationships with friends, girls, family and the church define who I was. If the relationship was well than I was well. If they believed something, than I believed it too. How they thought and acted was how I thought I needed to think and act. I did this because I wanted to be accepted; I wanted to be cool; I wanted to be loved. It was all about me.

Once I realized this is not about me I was then free to act however I wanted, rather however I needed to act to be what I wanted to be. I realized quickly that my existence wasn't as dependent on being accepted as I thought. With this came a new found power. I can really make an impact in people's lives if that's what I want to do. And that's really what I want to do!

In helping others I found that there is great reward, greater reward than can be found in trying to fill some void in your life on your own.

This is what Christ calls us to do. Die to ourselves and live for others. In doing so we live for Him.

Last days

2011-05-03T15:00:00.001-07:00

So it came to pass... Well it will soon anyway. This is the last week of my four year degree. Best six years of my life! This point of my life comes with high anticipation and yet it really isn't anything like I'd thought it would be. I'm excited but kind of sad. All I can think about are the people that I met over the years. The friendships forged in time of great trial... Mainly finals week. I keep seeing their faces. I can remember their hand writing as I'm sure they remembered mine. School forces out all kinds of junk.

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Words

2011-04-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

This is less a depiction of a good conversions speech and more an inner dialog. Me, honestly wrestling my own thoughts.

Ok, well, who is Jesus?

Jesus is Christ. Christ is God; the fulfillment of Jewish scripture. The one the scriptures were talking about. The one they were waiting for.

Who is the Jewish people waiting for?

The Messiah; the one who will save them.

Save them from what?

Good question, this is where the Jews start to get confused.

What do we need saved from?

Some thought it was from the Roman Empire. Other believed it was the corrupt Jewish leadership of the time. Almost all thought salvation would come via a defiant and bloody fight; an exodus. As they would. The Torah is heavy laden with stories of war and God smiting the enemies of His people.

So, then there is an inconsistency between the old scriptures and Jesus' teachings? I mean, I know Jesus says love your enemy and the old testament speaks of God's vengeance towards His enemies and even His own people.

Yes, there is! And it was on purpose!

right.

Right, he wanted to shift the thinking of "GOD's Chosen People". I should say, He wanted to expand their thinking. God sent Jesus is earth to say "I forgive you!! So stop with all the religious carp that means nothing, stop with all the 'I'm better than everyone because I'm chosen' BS and LOVE man, just LOVE!

Forgive me?? You still haven't answered my question. From what? I live a good life.

Yeah, I know, you'er as good a person as I am, probably better actually. But, I'm not good at all. In fact I'm so far from perfect it's hard to know what perfect is sometimes. Just because we don't understand our brokeness doesn't mean we aren't broken. We are, at our core, broken. The first step towards understanding why Jesus did what he did is understanding the condition of our own hearts.

My heart feels fine, thanks. Just because you don't understand your own ability to solve your own problems doesn't mean that I need a Christ to solve mine. I've got this.

Ok, but the moment you realize you don't, remember this conversation.

2011-04-18T12:09:00.000-07:00

Why am I looking to be hurt. Waiting for the blades to come out. I can't just enjoy my life?! I need to enjoy! I need balance. I need you God, now!

Last night everything came creeping up. Every failure every looming disaster. I begged. I literally beg God to let me just fall asleep so I could just not think about it for a few hours.

Post it

2011-04-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

Over half my blogs I never published! So, tonight I did. And if felt good :)

A letter to a friend... about a girl

2011-04-15T19:20:00.000-07:00

I should really be recording this... if for nothing but to keep me from re-inventing history.

This was to my friend Sam about Caitie. Send on 12/14/10

Sam,

...I have news from the dating front as well, well, kind of dating front. On Sunday, after a few months months of kinda just kick'en it with Caitie, I had come to two conclusions:

1) She's absolutely amazing, God fearing, down to earth, enterprising, super cute... and hot (both Jerrad and Will agree on that) all around classy girl.

2) She is way out of my league! out of my reach as well... I really hadn't gotten much of a sign that she was that into me anyway.

We got lunch after church last Sunday, Caitie, Jerrad and I. She seemed distant. On the way home I told Jerrad I didn't think it would work out... her and I that is. He thought I was crazy and kept telling me to be persistent, she wants you to pursue her and so on. He's a good friend. We got home and I went straight to bed... needed sleep on it. Half an hour into the nap Caitie calls... this is strange as she always plays things real cool. She called to tell me not to give up on her. She said she had been dealing with a lot including health problems and an ex that had recently gotten engaged but she's ready for something new. She said "the way I've been acting does not reflect my feelings towards you"... I liked that. We talked for about an hour. I really like her and apparently she feels something too. You'd think after all the shit I've put myself through the last thing I would want is another girl... but for some reason I can't stop smiling :)

Also, this is the first time I've actively sought to keep God in the middle of a relationship... the invisible basket ball at the Christian high school dance... so to speak. I've always fought to keep Him out of that part of my life... for the life of me I can't remember why (this was a joke, Sam knew my history well) I'll let you know how that pans out for me.

Peace + Grace

Tristan

LOVE

2011-04-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

This one is about a girl who I'm trying to love.

A month ago I deiced to just love her. Not like in a "I love you baby, I need you!!" kinda way. In fact, I don't think I'd ever use the words "I love you baby, I need you" ever. It even looks funny when I type it :) Anyway, I mean I decided to show her the best version of love I could come up with. My best shot at a Corinthians 13:4 kind of love.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

That's a lot in a very short paragraph. Paul was defiantly an authority on Love. The original greek text uses the word agapē, generally taken to mean a good will kind of love or brotherly love. His intimate understanding of Christ and Kingdom life qualifies him to literally write the book on love.

"4Love is patient," I mean really think about it. If I love her, by this one passages standards, then having patients doesn't just mean I keep my cool as she destroys my clutch or that I not get to anxious when waiting for a text. Having patients is learning to enjoy the worst she has to offer. When the gear box on my little Xb, which I also love dearly, screeches for mercy and begs for forgiveness from whatever it did to deserve her wrath... I smile :) I know I'll go through allot of clutches and transmissions in my lifetime but none will ever be as enjoyable as this one, with her. A lack a patients might be the effect of self-centeredness. Not saying it has to be. All I know for sure is that "self" motivated love is not self-motivated love.

"Love is kind." The kind of kind that dose not forget to be kind after a half an hour. This is the enduring type. The kind that you get when you expose a friend in the middle of his infidelity yet he still refuses to think of you as anything but his best friend. The kind of kind that sees the pain behind cutting words and offers comfort instead of defending its honor.

"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud." I've dealt with jealousy for a long time. I've said it and believed that "I am just a jealous person" and that is just the way it is. However, after really looking at what love is I came to find everyone is capable of this love and there is absolutely no room for jealousy. So, I was not 'just a jealous person' I was just wrong. Now comes the long process of opening up, letting go and trusting. You have to! Love wouldn't have it another way. Yeah, that means this is going to be risky. This type of love might cost you. Paul even said that loving Christ with your whole heart will require your entire life. So, at this point in the passage I realize that I have to let my guard down and this might really hurt.

"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking" because love isn't about you! These are next to each other in the passage for a reason. Rude people are very concerned about themselves and their well being. Rudeness is neglecting the feelings, entitlements, and preferences of others. Rudeness is self-serving. Christ may have been very rude to many but to those who saw him for who he was, those who he ultimately came to love he was certainly not rude! Love serves like Jesus served. It's hard to serve and when you are looking to be gratified.

"it is not easily angered," Paul had a short fuse. But I don't think that's why he didn't say "love is not angered at all, ever". I think the reason might be that love should get angry sometimes. Love should provoke anger even. When I hear of the sex trade industry and how little girls and boys are being raped to death for someones' financial gain... I get pretty damn angry! God leveled two cities in a day; He drown the entire world, save a family and a floating zoo; Jesus even flipped over tables and busted out a bull whip in a temple! There is a time to be angry but not without just cause! If I were to ever get mad at her I would want it to be completely justifiable and I would want it to be rare. Anger is meant to leave an impression. There was a smoking pile of rubble where a city once stood; Jesus' temple tantrum is the most memorable "thou shalt not" in the new testament. His anger was not without reason and purpose. Anger was, in these cases, the only language which God had left to communicate His will. And man did it! Don't forget it took ALLOT to get our God to these points.

"It keeps no record of wrongs." I love this aspect of love. I'll illustrate it real quick. I got in trouble at work. I went to a show on the day of an important meeting, though I had requested the day off and it had been approved I meeting was still mandatory. My boss and I had been through allot. We had our ups and downs but he was a kind and forgiving man, which i admired about him. Well, we got into it on this one. At the height of our argument the gloves came off, every offense I committed came out. All my wrongs were revisited, my file was open and the world could see. I was really taken back. All the "it's ok don't worry about it", "I make that mistake all the time, no biggie" and "lets just move on" type comments that he gave me over the years counted for nothing? really? That wasn't love. it wasn't documented either so they couldn't really do anything anyway. I was wrong for arguing with him. He was wrong for not just dealing with that particular issue and delving into my past. Love seals her history. Love looks at every encounter for what it is, here and now. Love dose not keep a score card.

"6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." When I live honestly, I can love honestly. I have the best access to the deepest parts of my soul. I can then let her in to those places. If i start to lie or lead two lives. I start to close down those places where I used to let her go. I would become distant. Evil = deceit, when deceit enters a friendship or relationship love will automatically become shallow. Those deep 3, 4 hour conversations will become awkward 15 minuet talks about the weather or shoes... both fine topics in their own right... but not deep, not meaningful. So, when I stumble and screw up I tell her about it... not because I feel guilty or I want sympathy or because I owe it to anyone. I do it because I want to go to those deep places with her. I absolutely love our 3 hour talks!

"7It always protects". Verse 7 is the Always verse. Before this verse love "is" and love "does not". Now Paul kicks it up a notch. Always or all things means nothing is left out. Love isn't looked to be treated with fairness. Love will endure all the hardship and gladly so the object of its attention does not. It will do this gladly because this is now love's chance to show what it's made of. Love can now prove itself to its self! This makes complete scene when you adopt the idea that love is not in it to win it. Love is 100% about the other persons ultimate well being and is completely negligent of it's own.

The next part I don't really know how to take. "always trust". This isn't a great translation. in the greek it is just as unclear. The phrase is pisteúō pás, which if directly translated means to "believes in everything". so love just believes whatever it's told all the time?? Only the context can give these words there meaning, according to my concordance. So, I'll give an explanations a shot.

If love always trust and blindly believes, than when she says something she means it. Or at least I have to believe it. This means when a women husband comes home at 3am and smells like "Love Spell" she's supposed to believe him when he says "poker went way late tonight". I don't think love is that naive, I think it knows what it's getting into. I think love trusts in good outcomes. I believe real love is ready to boldly face these really hard times and will always trust God to pick up the pieces. To mend brokeness to not lose faith and hope.

Natural events

2011-04-08T14:15:00.001-07:00

Natural events or acts of God, that cause destruction, pain, suffering and death may be an act of the fall of man. When Adam and Eve sinned, they were cast out of the garden. The world, after that point, worked differently. It was created one way and then changed as a consequence of man's sin. I'm not sure I believe this but it seems to be an interesting take on the dicodemy of good and evil.

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Pretty Girls

2011-04-08T13:55:00.001-07:00

Often times I wonder why I like hanging out with very pretty girls, most of which are in a committed relationships... The obvious reason may seem that I am shallow, this is what I accepted as the truth for a while... I just realized, I like it because there is very little chance they will ever think of me as anything more than a friend. I feel like girls that are not as esthetically gifted are more inclined to think I'm actually interested in them even if they have a boyfriend. They then get clingy and want their friends to see them with me... as if I'm anything other than a normal guy. I start to feel trapped. not good. so I avoid them all together. Hot girls are often warped up in themselves or something else so they get less attached to me. They also seem to think that they can have what they want when they want it, so there is no real missed opportunity in not trying to "lock that down". So we get along!

Rob Bell Comes Clean!!!

2011-04-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

Just had to... I just had to! ;)

Where

2011-03-21T09:15:00.001-07:00

It comes from a fear of being alone.

It's uncomfortable, it's dark, it's very large, it consumes my thoughts.

I like being alone allot of the time but I know I'm really not. I have places I can go where I'm not alone. Where I'm loved. To not have those options... I'm afraid I'd die.

I place my self worth on those relationships. I shouldn't but I do.

God help me! Your the only one!!

Take away this need for these relationships. For your sake for these relationship's sake for my sake.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Hope U Have a Good Night :)

2011-03-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

As most my posts go this one is about a girl.

I like her and have for some time. In the beginning I tried to play it cool and do all those things guys have been doing for ever to peek the interest of the opposite sex. You know the games we play... pretending like we a

ren't interested, making up reasons to run into to her, well rehearsed playful banter, blowing off a call or text even introducing another girl or two to the equation just to let her know "I've got options". Fun and twisted at times but generally it works.

So, that's how it went for a while. I can't really tell you why, but something changed along the way. This girl wasn't having it. She pretty much cut through my bull sh** with an execto knife or maybe I did, I don't know. Any way you look at it, I had laid down all my cards, she now knows what I think and how I feel. And, for the first time in my short existence, a girl now knows why I feel the way I do, why I act the way I do and why I am the way I am. Full disclosure.

Here is a monologue to help paint this for me:

"I like you allot. I like you because... well, I don't know why... I just do. This is who I am, this is what I've been through, this is what I've done, this is my shame, here are my insecurities, these are my strengths. I want you in my life, you meet and exceed the standards I am looking for.You're beautiful, wise and strong. I respect you and want to be here for you."

I'll tell you, it's much easier standing naked

in front of a hot girl than it is coming clean like that.

Now there's no game to play. No manipulation. In retrospect, the games I played weren't just to get me what I wanted. They protected me. I was in control with the games now all I can do is be me. That's it. Every word I use just describes how things really are. No surprises or tricks. No guessing games. That's not to say there isn't mystery... as long as two human begins can fall in love there will be mystery. But as for the rest, it's all straight forward. Which, may not be entirely a good thing.

Here is the reply to the monologue:

"Ok... but... not now. I'm sorry"

Yeah. That kind of sucks to hear. None the less, here is my response:

"Alright... I understand. But, because I meant what I said... I'm not walking away."

I am a serious gluten for punishment. But, all that's left is to persist. To be me and to love without needing anything back. To keep

up with active thinking, praying and doing. Always asking, "What can I do today to show who I am and increase my capacity to love?"

What sparked this whole post was a one line text I received tonight. Unsolicited, unprovoked and simply beautiful. I crossed her mind as she got ready for bed and she sent me a text message. This one little thing is so much better than winning all those games.

So...

Hope u have a good night :)

Word

2011-03-09T15:50:00.000-08:00

The Word of God is meant to refine our spirit sense not replace it!

We are created as living replicas of an all powerful God.

We are not created to live and die by the words of any book.

We are created to live a full and joyful life, in loving appreciation of this gift of life.

We are not created to waist one moment on rituals without origin.

We are created to LOVE and to be LOVED.

We are not created to sin and be ashamed.

We are created as an empty splicer ready to receive His sweet grace.