The internal state of grievance is highly unpleasant for most of us.  It may be a legitimate resentment for some wrong done to you such as a major betrayal like that experienced by the partners of sex addicts.  Or it may be an ongoing situation that is unfair and feels impossible to live with.  Either way it can become a source of major stress that can hijack your life.

It is worthwhile to give some thought to unloading that kind of resentment for a few reasons:

-Being in the grip of a grievance takes up space in your brain that could be used for something worthwhile.

-Grievance is a kind of stress that feeds on itself and can get obsessive.

-Perpetual grievance means being immobilized, or at least ineffective.

-Being stuck in grievance is being stuck in a victim role which saps your sense of control.

-Grievance is draining.

What I am not saying

Let me be clear.  I am not saying that one should somehow “get over it”.  A resentment is a feeling that must be honored and looked into like any other feeling.  There is no really effective way to just swallow it.

I am also not saying that one can go from feeling victimized directly to “forgiving” and “moving on”.  Not only do I think this is most often impossible but I believe it is not even logical.

What I am saying is that recovering and forgiving and moving on happen later, after we have made sense of, accepted and grieved the harm done.  We cannot will ourselves to forgive.

A grievance involves a loss

I am not here talking about the grief that arises from the loss of a loved one or any other death.  Scientists have recently studied prolonged grief, complicated grief and the like as well as testing appropriate treatment modalities.  I am talking about the grief and loss that underlie more common resentments.

Being stuck in a resentful, angry state is debilitating.  I believe it represents a state of being “stuck” in one of the stages of grief.  (You remember the stages of grief: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.)

Working through grief to acceptance involves coming to see and accept a loss.  Anything short of this process means being stuck in a stressful state.

The definition of stress is “a loss or the threat of a loss”.   Unresolved, this stress is a kind of illness.  This includes the PTSD symptoms experienced upon discovery of a spouse’s sexual betrayal.   But even if the stress is about unfair treatment at work, being cheated by someone you trusted, or any other form of betrayal, the loss is real and the feelings are real.

Failure to fully grieve a loss means feeling endlessly resentful, ruminating on the injustices, fixating on the evil of others, and obsessing about our own victimization.  Even self-blame is a form of denial.  If it was actually my fault then I don’t feel so much like a helpless victim.  Partners of sex addicts who blame themselves may be seeking to dodge the fact that they have been grievously harmed– not the kind of painful awareness any of us would welcome.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action

The point of this shift from resentment to grieving is to stop fighting a battle or litigating a case in our own heads and understand the reality of what has happened.   I see this as beginning with awareness of what we are feeling (i.e. the pain of a harmful event).  But to get to that awareness can itself be a 3-stage process.  Take for example the betrayed spouse.  The three steps are:

-My loved one did something bad.

-What was done was harmful (abusive, wounding, destructive, etc.)

-This event harmed ME and left me in pain.

The next step is to accept the reality of the hurt and grieve the loss resulting from the damage.  This may initially take the form of anger or bargaining.  But eventually it involves acceptance of the loss of the relationship as we knew it and acceptance of our own hurt.

If we are stuck at any point in the process we cannot take appropriate action and are at risk to engage in pointless reactive behaviors.  This amounts to acting out our feelings instead of becoming fully aware of them.

The reality of seeing our own wound and our own pain is difficult.  And while seeking support and comfort is never wrong, the process of grief is sometimes a lonely one.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery” and

“Relationships in Recovery: A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over”

1. When you consider the causes of porn and sex addiction, you may think first of adverse childhood experiences.  And you would be right.  The prime suspects are:

• Early attachment injury such as lack of nurturing, emotional neglect/abuse,
• Sexual abuse by an adult or older child, or an inappropriate or seductive caregiver
• Abandonment, alcoholism or mental illness in a parent, etc.

Such factors are thought to lead to sex and porn addiction as well as addiction in general.  Trauma leads a child to develop coping mechanisms by which to escape the intolerable stress, fear, and other negative emotions.  Similarly, the child may develop secret or devious ways to self-soothe or escape feelings of shame or low self worth.  These then follow on into adulthood as so-called “survival skills that no longer serve”.

How smart phones Promote Sex and Porn Addiction

Well first there’s the obvious sense in which a pornified culture throws out sexual images all over the place including online.  The porn industry then fine tunes the click bait so as to keep the viewer mesmerized.

But in addition, a recent LA Times article called “A Holiday From Your Cellphone” quoted a psychologist who studies internet addiction as follows:

“When we’re on our devices, we lose the ability to mark the passage of time,” says David Greenfield, a psychiatry professor at the University of Connecticut School of Medicine and founder of the Center for Internet and Technology  Addiction. “This phenomenon is called dissociation, and virtually everyone  experiences it to some extent when on screens.”

So our smart phones and time spent online generally represent a whole other form of risk.  Getting lost in your smart phone enables Internet addiction, and sexual compulsivity by promoting a dissociative state. 

In a previous post I discussed the relationship between ADHD and porn addiction and in another I outlined what I thought was the way in which the dissociative reactions to trauma may be diagnosed as ADHD when they are not.  The inattentiveness, distractibility and “zoning out” may be the dissociative reactions typical in trauma.

Time spent being “absent” from our own life can lead to isolation and depression.  Dissociating in this way is amplified a hundredfold when there is a sexual fantasy, sexual gratification or sexual arousal involved. This means you can escape painful emotions and social anxiety, but at the cost of not being present in your own life.

Normal vs. abnormal dissociation

Dissociation is a normal defensive reaction to traumatic stress.  It is a way we protect ourselves by mentally detaching from an extreme situation.  In addiction, repeated use of dissociation as an escape from feelings of pain, fear, inadequacy, or loneliness creates a dependence on the means of escape.  This is then experienced as craving, need to increase the amount and potency of the substance or experience, and symptoms of withdrawal with abstinence.

When the escape into tech involves porn, masturbation, cybersex and any sexually arousing material, the dissociative experience becomes many times more compelling due to the powerful sexual reward involved.  It is escape on steroids!

Many sex addicts use flip phones

Tech addiction has become a focus of concern and treatment both in clinical settings and in 12 step programs.  But sex and porn addicts can be cross addicted to tech.  When in treatment, they are often advised to give up smart phones and to find ways to block sexual material on their other devices.  Sometimes they stay offline entirely or only go online with another person present to ensure accountability.

Addicts must ask themselves whether they are beginning to abdicate from important aspects of their lives.  Are they losing productivity, missing meaningful life experiences, becoming socially isolated, sacrificing intimate relationships?

Often it is easy for addicts to minimize the impact of their online life.  It seems all but impossible to unplug.  And sometimes it is a serious challenge to handle the necessary online life at work.  The internet, with all its addictive potential has become entwined with every aspect of our lives.  But its awesome power forces some of us to make some very hard choices.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery” and

“Relationships in Recovery: A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over”

We have heard a lot in the news lately about people, mostly women, who have been harassed, betrayed, abused and battered.  We have heard a lot of the obvious reasons why it has always been difficult for spouses and women generally to say “enough is enough.”

We have also heard a lot about the amazing loyalty of Trump voters, many of whom are zealous in their support of a person and a set of beliefs that  are opposite to something the voter holds dear.  This is particularly true regarding the Trump administration’s problems with men’s alleged transgressions against women.  But more about that later.

There are so many reasons why it is difficult to escape an emotionally, sexually or physically abusive relationship.  These reasons have been enumerated by the women who have recently come forward.  They include many practical reasons including very realistic fears, such as the fear of losing one’s job, the fear of reprisal, the fear of actual physical danger, and fear of endangering or losing one’s children.

There are also many emotional mechanisms which tip the scales in favor of staying in a bad situation.  The most obvious involve fear of being judged, fear of being blamed for the abuse, shame about having been in an embarrassing situation, stigma, and the self doubt resulting from gaslighting by the abuser.

Thus realistic social pressures as well as realistic fear of the abuser undermine the ability to make rational choices in our own interest.  But there’s more.

The psychology of sticking with a bad situation

There is one other factor that I believe is often involved in this kind of misplaced loyalty.  It is a concept from experimental social psychology known as cognitive dissonance.  Cognitive dissonance is a well researched phenomenon.

The idea is that if you get someone to do something that is strongly against their interests through heavy coercion, like threat of torture, they will hate you and be all the more clear on their convictions.  “I only did it because I was coerced!”

But if you get someone to do something for a very small reward, they will be in a state of cognitive imbalance.  They have inadequate justification for their having behaved against their interests.  In other words we end up believing what we need to believe to justify our behavior.

The classic example is the prisoner of war who is induced to give up secrets not through threats of torture but simply for a cigarette.  This is more effective because it sets up a cognitive imbalance.  We resolve this dissonance by saying “If I betrayed my country for a cigarette, maybe my country isn’t so important after all.”  Now we are back in balance.

How we rationalize abuse

Staying loyal to an abusive person creates an extreme state of cognitive dissonance.

In addition to all the other forces which keep people in an abusive situation there is a need to find a justification for staying with an abuser simply in order to find a mental state of equilibrium.

We could not stick around if we said “I’m hate my situation and I see no signs of anything changing”.  We need to find a way to say ” I’m sticking around because….”  Justifying our loyalty in this way is a is a very specific form of  rationalization.  It is not justifying something we really want to do like having another piece of cake, it is justifying something we don’t want to do, like living with the unrelenting stress of emotional abuse.

What looks like “enabling” or “co-dependence” may be this need to bring our thinking in line with our behavior.  This then feeds on itself.

How does it get started?

Once we make a commitment to someone we are usually willing to accept some of their imperfections.  But as a partner’s behavior gets worse, there is increasing need to justify our loyalty to the relationship.  This feeds on itself.  We latch onto the few good things or happy memories and convince ourselves that this is the person we love.

As partners engage in this dissonance reduction process, their sense of their own ineffectiveness is reinforced since this also justifies the behavior.  And  partners may also convince themselves that this is somehow what they deserve, which also reduces dissonance but erodes self confidence.  The longer this goes on the more there is to justify.

I believe that this process may also be involved in the loyalty of Trump supporters (remember: “I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody….”?)  Thus the worse Trump behaves the more cognitive dissonance is generated.  As time goes on Trump supporters have had to conclude that they really believe in him, that everything he does is for the good etc.  And lately it appears that these supporters have simply decided that listening to Trump is “fun”.  Going to Trump rallies is entertainment, an exciting day out with the family.  In this case the commitment gets stronger as the payoffs become more tenuous.  This looks like pure dissonance reduction since a vote is just a vote; it’s not a marriage.  The outside forces actually keeping Trump voters loyal are fairly meager, group pressure at most.

Setting some boundaries

• Focus on your feelings.  Keep track of what is being done to you and how it makes you feel.  Write it down in a daily diary if it helps.
• Focus on your own effectiveness.  Take some small steps to shape things in your daily life, such as leaving a room or leaving the house for a while rather than sticking around out of habit.  Don’t stay on auto.
• Get feedback from supportive people.  By this I mean get reinforcement for your own importance, brains, attractiveness and self efficacy.  In other words ask for reassurance about yourself from trusted friends.
• Ignore people who tell you how wonderful your spouse or partner is.  Don’t let them make you doubt your own experience.
• Put your emotional survival first.  Recognize that you can thrive on your own, even when there are challenges.  If there are children involved, recognize that they are negatively affected by your unhappiness even if  you don’t show it.
• Do not think that the abuse is a sign of love.  That’s what I said.  As sex addiction therapists we teach that intensity is not intimacy.  The intensity of abuse does not mean the person is intensely attached to you.  They are only afraid you might seize your power and leave them.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

Some couples I see who are struggling to come back from sexual addiction seem to be locked in perpetual conflict.

For some, mistrust, resentment and aggression characterized their relationship or marriage since the beginning, since long before the sexual betrayal was revealed. For others the discovery of a sexual addiction allowed resentments to blow up into seemingly continual hostility.

Conflict is a struggle for power

Conflict may take a number of forms. It can be an exchange of recriminations and insults that come out of nowhere. It can show up as a continually defensive posture, anticipating negativity and pushing the other person away. It can be constant verbal attacks and sarcasm, or endless recitation of the other person’s past sins.

Each person is afraid to approach the other with openness and trust. Instead each is seeking to find safety in gaining power and avoiding vulnerability.

Beliefs which feed the power struggle

My partner doesn’t really care about my pain.

There is something that my partner can do to take away my pain.

I can change my partner by gaining control over him/her.

If I can control my partner I will feel less pain about the past.

If I can control my partner I will be safe from future pain.

These kinds of beliefs are not usually borne out.  The partner who is betrayed by the addict’s behavior naturally feels mistrust, grief and resentment. But these are not feelings that can be dispelled by gaining power and control over the other person. The need to find safety in power and control is a natural reaction to deep mistrust. But using verbal attacks and venting mistrust will most likely breed more mistrust. It will not bring a feeling of safety.

Paranoid mistrust is contagious

Perpetual rehearsal of unresolved anger is a way of denying pain and avoiding inevitable grief. It is an attempt at undoing the pain rather than working through it. It projects blame by saying: “you are making me feel bad and you are not doing enough to undo my bad feelings.”

Meanwhile, partners who are perpetually “triggered” by each other are rehearsing their reactions of alarm and fear, and sensitizing themselves to become more fearful and suspicious. This kind of paranoid approach to another person can be contagious; paranoia toward another breeds paranoia mistrust of us in return.

How to escape the cycle of conflict

What does it mean to “give up and win”?  We are often told that we need to create healthy boundaries. If we give up the fight it can feel like we are being co-dependent or allowing ourselves to be used or abused. And sometimes it is important to say no or to stick up for oneself.  But in the perpetual conflict scenario it is often more challenging to find ways to back off.

By “giving up” I mean simply the process of never attempting to negotiate anything when you or the other person are emotionally upset or “triggered.” This means being aware that you are angry or upset, that you are in fight-or-flight mode, and giving yourself a moment  of space. This is your moment of non-reactivity, the time when you don’t judge or react automatically.

• Never attempt to set boundaries or argue your point when you or your partner are in the grip of strong emotions. Stop and wait until later.
• Don’t argue or negotiate when you or your partner are being aggressive. If your demands are sandwiched between insults and recriminations this is aggression.  Stop and wait until you can both talk assertively rather than aggressively.
• Do not expect your partner to be somebody else. Especially, do not expect your partner to be who you thought they were before the crisis. That was a fantasy.
• Do not threaten your partner while you are attempting to talk. This is part of an aggressive pattern, e.g. “I’ll take the kids and move” or “you will be forced to sell the house.”
• Decide which conflicts you need to put before a counselor or mediator and solicit your partner’s agreement to do this. But do not use this idea as a threat or in anger.
• Recognize that both of you will need to get help to change old roles and behaviors in the relationship. If you played the victim, the boss, the naughty child, the parent or whatever, these roles will be challenged as you recover.

Giving up gracefully

When you give yourself a time out to get over your (and your partner’s) reactivity you must resist the temptation to do this in an angry way. Take a deep breath. Don’t storm out of the room. Say something like, “I can’t talk about this right now but let’s talk about it later when we’re calmer.”

Above all be willing to shut up even when you feel you are being treated unjustly. Let it be what it is and trust that things will get better as you work through them over time.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

If you are a narcissist how would you know it?  Maybe you’ve been accused of being a narcissist; certainly most sex addicts have. But what would it actually feel like if you were a narcissist?

When we think of narcissism we often think of the way it looks in the rich and famous, the over-privileged. It plays out in a lack of genuine connection and empathy, an attitude of over-entitlement, and a tendency toward manipulative, deceptive and self serving patterns of behavior.

Narcissism with a capital N is a personality disorder, sometimes called a disorder of the self. And maybe you’ve also heard of healthy narcissism. This is what allows us to take care of our bodies, to enjoy being admired, and to be proud of our talents and achievements. Then there is the “malignant” narcissist, the person at the far end of the narcissism spectrum where it blends into the psychopathic.

But by far the majority of narcissists I encounter in sex addiction treatment are popularly called fragile narcissists. They are the run-of-the-mill insecure, thin-skinned narcissists who keep up a narcissistic “false self.” These are the self-important, the self-centered, the vain. What is the inner experience of such people?

The Are You a Narcissist Test

What follows is my own totally unscientific attempt at a self-test for narcissism.  These are things I believe highlight what the narcissist is feeling and responding to in relation to other people. (Please feel free to suggest your own test questions based on your personal or professional experience.)

1. Do you feel different and special or that you lead a charmed life?
2. Are you especially alarmed when you make an embarrassing error?
3. Do you prefer to ignore or explain away criticism from others?
4. Do you worry about how the person you are with makes you look?
5. Do you feel the need to put on a good show?
6. Do you want to seduce people even when you are not attracted to them?
7. Do you like it when people listen to you but find it boring to listen to them?
8. Do you get irritated when people don’t notice you?
9. When experiencing rejection or failure do you get furious or despondent?
10. Do you feel mistrusting of psychotherapy?

The Related Behavior Patterns and Processes

• Narcissistic vulnerability

As with all personality disorders, the narcissist has a weak sense of self and is afraid of being found out.  The facade of confidence and superiority is very thin and brittle. When this thin veneer is punctured, the narcissist may take things very personally and very hard. The narcissist may hold onto resentments for a long time.

When narcissists feel dissed it may cause them to come up swinging. But if narcissists experience a major reversal or a serious and undeniable blow to their self concept, they may become totally deflated. It is as if once the facade crumbles, the narcissist feels totally worthless and hopeless. They may even become suicidal.

• Seductiveness

I see a lot of narcissistic sex addicts who are compulsive seducers. These addicts drive their partners to distraction. Even if they are not actually cheating, they are constantly behaving seductively, even to random people.  This kind of narcissistic addict may have been sexually objectified as a child and may have come to believe that their worth is tied up in their looks, their charm, and their ability to be sexually attractive to others. Seductiveness covers the underlying feeling that their seductiveness is all they really have to offer.

• The belief in perfection

Narcissists are often invested in feeling they are free of any major flaws. They create a persona that is blessed and find it hard to accept that there is anything wrong with their life.

It is a good bet that narcissists grew up in families in which they experienced a disrupted attachment history. Frequently one of their parents was powerful and themselves a narcissist and the other more submissive or needy (sometimes both parents were narcissists). The narcissist from such a family identifies with the powerful, successful, narcissistic parent, and that becomes his or her adaptation to life.

• Barriers to getting help

Narcissists may never show up for counseling. Often they don’t understand therapy and only seek help to please someone else or because they got in trouble. If they admit to any area of internal distress, they may over dramatize this and play up the victim role.

Narcissists are good at what are called “therapy interfering behaviors,” such as being unpredictable or irresponsible around their appointments.

Since they want to maintain their facade of wonderfulness, narcissists find it hard to believe that they don’t already have all the answers. Many narcissistic sex addicts resist following a treatment plan and instead construct a “boutique” program for themselves.

In therapy sessions with some narcissists it is often difficult to get a word in edgewise and if you do, it sometimes feels like you are putting them to sleep. They may enjoy being the center of attention for an hour but may have difficulty processing input.

Narcissists resist the idea that they are damaged in any way. Hence they have an idealized, unrealistic idea of their upbringing.  But being the child of a narcissistic parent means experiencing some emotional neglect. This is damaging to the child, even if they identify with the narcissistic parent.

Getting help

With any luck, something in the narcissist’s life will propel them to get help. And with a lot of perseverance it is possible to raise the narcissistic addict’s awareness.  It is possible to get narcissists to draw the connections from their childhood wounds to their lack of authenticity, their unwillingness to be truly vulnerable, and inability to connect with others.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

I have seen many sex addicts who have frequent “slips” (recurrences of addictive behavior), even though they have been working what looks like a rigorous recovery program.  These people may be in individual or group therapy, attending regular Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings, engaging in a spiritual practice, and generally attempting to use the tools of the program.  And yet they will predictably act out in little ways every few weeks or months even though they feel genuinely ready to let go of their addiction.

Slips in sex addiction can be any of the addict’s target behaviors, big or small.   It could be going onto a porn site for “just a little while” or checking out dating ads or hook-up sites, or texting with a previous acting out partner or sex worker, or, for some, masturbating to addictive fantasies or memories.

To be clear, these behaviors may not lead to a total relapse, i.e. to prolonged resumption of addictive behavior and withdrawal from the recovery program.  They are more like a short break from recovery and yet they serve maintain the addiction.

Using sexual behaviors  in this way may not be disabling but it invariably limits the extent to which the person can resolve their deeper issues such as growing in recovery, achieving their potential and maintaining healthy relationships.

Still leading a double life

With this kind of intermittent compliance, the addict is still in partial denial.  These addicts continue to identify themselves as being in recovery.  They may “work” the 12 steps, and feel convinced that they have made significant progress in understanding their problems.  They may even decide that they are so knowledgeable that they can sponsor other people.

Others often see these addicts as kidding themselves.  They present themselves as old timers, they’ve read all the books, know all the jargon.  And yet, someone who is regularly “slipping” even in little ways is permanently stuck at step one of the 12 steps.  They think have control over their addiction.

In group and individual treatment these addicts be so intent on seeing themselves as succeeding that they neglect to mention their “slips”.  This goes beyond denial and is a way to continue to lead a double life; outward recovery and covert acting out.

Rebellion

I have seen many sex addicts who feel that it is the recovery program, their therapist or someone else who is constraining and controlling their behavior.  In effect they take a childlike stance that they can’t have what they want because someone is taking it away from them.

This sets them up to rebel against the constraint and to feel like a naughty child who has let their parents down.  I have had addicts tell me outright that if it wasn’t for their spouse or partner putting pressure on them, they would abandon their program.

It is important for such people to begin to see that in fact there is no one and nothing to rebel against.  If they feel deprived of their preferred behavior they are free to engage in it.  No one is holding a gun to their head.

(Note: this rebellion issue becomes more tangled in treating addicts who have gotten into trouble for sex offenses.  Here the outside force of the law is attempting to “make” them  give up their addiction.  It is harder for them to see that they still have choices.)

Self Sabotage

This is sometimes subtle and difficult to see.  The addict may hang around with program friends who are cynical or skeptical about recovery and who also may be having trouble getting any traction.  This allows them to feel somewhat validated and avoid shame.   Or they may use the tools of recovery but in ways that are destined to be ineffective, like not calling anyone or avoiding their sponsor when things are getting slippery.

Another tactic to dodge a rigorous adherence to their program is to ignore situations which predictably lead to their “slips”.  These are usually things that addicts have the ability to change or control like getting overloaded with work or childcare.

Lastly, the chronically slipping addict may be working a “boutique” program.  These people feel so different or important that they customize their program to suit their uniqueness.  To be clear, everyone works recovery in their own way, but this kind of pride can separate the addict from self, others and a higher power such that their ability to get and stay sober is limited.

The victim role

Taking the  stance of victim means blaming someone or something for the situation and thus feeling hopeless and/or helpless.  I have found that these “victims” will make frequent use of words like “challenging” and “triggering” which suggest that they are the innocent victim of their circumstances.

When pushed to describe in detail what these terms refer to, the addict may have a hard time.  This is because these words circumvent the person’s internal experience and responses, as though they were just puppets being pushed and battered by things.

This type of responding often does not represent a conscious dodge.  These addicts may be frequently dissociating, i.e. zoning out or detaching from the reality of the moment or of their experience.  In this dissociated state it becomes impossible to accurately observe what is going on inside or outside.

Some addicts will hide behind the concept of being “powerless” over their addiction.  In fact there is plenty for them to do and much that they have power over.  They are failing to see that step one “admitted we were powerless over our addiction…” does not mean inaction.  It simply means that will power alone will not be effective.

Bottom Line

The fact is that addiction recovery is very much an action program.  It requires the recovering person to do a lot.  And built into every addicts recovery plan should be the understanding that if they are continuing to have “slips” and act out in little ways from time to time that this means their recovery plan needs to be changed to be more rigorous.  They need to tighten things up or even go into a more intensive level of treatment.  They must commit to this and they alone can make it happen.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

Sex addicts in treatment for a sexually compulsive behavior are generally asked to decide which behaviors are out of control and interfering   with their life.  These sexually addictive behaviors differ widely from person to person and they can change over time.  They include behaviors like excessive pornography use, commercial sex, voyeurism, compulsive hook-ups, and serial infidelities.  These are designated as “bottom line” behaviors or “inner circle” behaviors.  These are the things that the addict needs to stop doing completely.

These target behaviors determine how much time the addict has accumulated in sexual recovery.  As with recovery from alcoholism, sex addicts who slip and engage in an inner circle behavior lose their “time”.  They begin anew to count their sexually sober days from the day after the slip.

The major differences in sex addiction recovery as opposed to alcohol and drug addiction recovery are that:

• Alcoholics all have the same target behavior, i.e. consuming alcohol or other drugs, whereas individual sex addicts can have very different target behaviors.
• The sex addict will almost always have more than one bottom line behavior.  He or she may have a pattern of behavior that includes both commercial sex and serial affairs, or voyeurism and pornography, etc.
• And recovering sex addicts can change their target behaviors as they proceed in recovery.

When is masturbation a problem for recovering sex addicts?

When sex addicts are new to recovery

Sex addicts who are new in recovery usually include masturbation among their inner circle behaviors.  This is done for various reasons.

Sex addicts almost always need a period of complete abstinence from sexual arousal in order for their nervous system to “reboot”.  As with any addiction, sex can be used as a drug, i.e. a way to self-medicate.  Therefore, sex addicts need to abstain from all sex in the same way that drug addicts need to detox from chemical dependency.  This allows the nervous system to get back to baseline and the dependence to subside.  It is only by doing this that addicts can become available for the real psychological work of recovery.

There is no fixed time frame for this initial period of abstinence but from 90 days up to a few months time is usually recommended.  During that time the addict in treatment will  agree not to have sex with anyone, including his or her partner and will abstain from masturbation.

When sex addicts  compulsively masturbate

For some sex addicts masturbation itself has become a compulsive behavior.  They cannot get through a day without masturbating and often masturbate many times a day, even to the point of self injury.  For these addicts masturbation has become a coping mechanism, a way to deal with the everyday stresses of life and to calm negative emotions.  One way to decide if masturbation has become an out of control behavior is if it is interfering with functioning.  Another sure way is to stop doing it for a while.  If this is impossible or unthinkable it may be a problem in itself.

When masturbation is part is coupled with pornography use addicts should not simply quit porn.  Masturbating without porn may be a continuation of addictive acting out when it is paired with pornographic memories or fantasies.  Most sex addicts have collected an extensive mental “data base” of sexual memories and imagery.  Once again, addicts will need a period of total abstinence until they are on firmer ground in their recovery.

When masturbation may lead to relapse

Even sex addicts who are not compulsive porn users,  masturbation involves addictive fantasies.  These are fantasies or memories of situations and behaviors such as voyeuristic or exhibitionistic behaviors, or other experiences such as anonymous sex, commercial sex etc.  Keeping these fantasies and memories engrained in the addict’s mind in masturbation fantasies can keep the addict in a rut.  This can prevent the addict from progressing in recovery.  They remain addicted to a specific behavior if only in their mind.  It is a short step to relapse back into the behavior itself.

When there are problems with avoidance of intimacy and  relational sex

Some addicts have difficulty having sex in a relationship with a real person.  They are hooked on porn scenarios, commercial sex or fleeting encounters to the exclusion of sex in a relationship.  Learning to function sexually, even with a person they are attracted to and care about can be a process.  The addict may use masturbation as an escape from this daunting prospect.

But until the sex addict is in good enough recovery to begin feel safe, to be open and vulnerable and to generally learn some relationship skills, masturbation may perpetuate a state of emotional isolation.

When should sex addicts masturbate?

Once the addict is in stable recovery, it is sometimes possible to use masturbation to help re-wire the brain, i.e. to experiment with different masturbation fantasies that are unrelated to the addicts past behaviors and that help the addict to imagine a different arousal situation.

Sex addicts who are in longer term recovery can often change their target behaviors by adding or subtracting behaviors from their “inner circle”.  In the beginning they may have put everything but the kitchen sink into their inner circle.  This usually includes masturbation.   But later they may find that masturbation is no longer a threat to their sobriety.  If it is no longer getting in the way of their relationships or their functioning, addicts may find that masturbations is just another kind of sexual experience.  They may even lose interest in it.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

Most recovering sex addicts intuitively know that traveling is a time when they are at increased risk for relapse into one of their old sexually addictive behaviors, such as porn, strip clubs, or hook-ups. On a business trip in a different city, addicts run the risk of getting into a slippery situation without really thinking about it.

The normal daily routine at home supports the addict’s life in recovery.  The usual situations and activities elicit conditioned responses which shape the addict’s behavior in the direction of integrity and accountability. These recovery cues are almost totally missing when the addict is in a strange hotel room in another city.

The most risky aspects of travel

Travel brings with it a combination of various kinds of stress and other sorts of pressure which conspire to lower the addict’s resistance.  It pays to be aware of these.

• Alienation

On a trip, even among colleagues, friends or family members, the addict has stepped outside of his or her normal role. There is likely to be a disconnection from one’s everyday identity as well as a disconnection from those the addict is closest to.  Strange places and different people reflect back a different and/or confusing sense of self.  In addition, the addict may experience real loneliness which adds to feelings of insecurity and alienation.

Feeling lonely, isolated, insecure and alienated, the addict may automatically turn to compulsive sexual behaviors as a way to escape.

• Unstructured time

A business trip may be full of structured activity for several hours each day but will undoubtedly leave a lot of unstructured time around the edges, especially during the evening hours.

For many addicts, unstructured time, time with nothing in particular to do is a risk factor for sexual acting out. Simply needing some human connection or some entertainment can lead to familiar activities such as accessing pornography or looking to pick up someone at a bar.

• Work stress

Being at a business meeting or conference can be stressful in itself.  The addict may have to make a presentation, give a lecture, or just make a good impression on certain people. And being thrown together with colleagues can bring out a competitiveness between people or a tendency to compare oneself to others.

These things may add another source of self-consciousness and anxiety which in turn can lead to an increased need for release and self-soothing.

• Group pressure and expectations

It may be that one’s colleagues or friends feel that a trip is an opportunity to do things they would not do at home, to “cut loose” and have a wild time. This can involve things like partying, flirting, getting a lap dance, etc.  It may be hard for the addict to explain that he or she does not want to go along with this kind of excursion. What is harmless for the addict’s friends may be too risky for the addict.

• Lack of guardrails

Far from home, addicts will have neither their usual recovery routines nor their trusted friends to talk to. There may be a lack of SAA meetings, an awkward time difference etc.  which put distance between the addict and his or her normal means of staying on track.  There is no reality check to keep the addict from drifting into addictive fantasies and behaviors.

Coping strategies while on a trip

To a recovering sex addict the best ways to build in safeguards should be a no-brainer. But it is a good idea to reiterate them.

• Do some spiritual practice or recovery reading everyday to help stay centered.
• Find a local SAA meeting if there is one or check out the schedules for telephone SAA meetings and attend one every day. Particularly at high risk times of day.
• Make daily “check in” calls to a sponsor, members of the addicts home fellowship, and family members.
• Travel with a colleague or partner, or connect with colleagues or friends at the venue.  Find people who are “safe” and make plans to socialize with them, especially during the evening hours.

It is hard to know exactly when it is OK for addicts to travel. Anticipating the possible relapse scenarios beforehand is important.  It is also a good idea for addicts to pay attention to their own feelings in these unusual situations and to take note of what is or is not a problem for them. Travel for a sex addict is likely to be a learning experience and it’s one they should share when they get home.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

People are loving reality cheating videos in droves like the popular YouTube series “To Catch a Cheater” (some explicit imagery).  The Ditto for the true life TV series “Cheaters” which promises to document “the pain of a spouse or lover caused by infidelity.”

These shows specialize in catching or entrapping partners and spouses on camera in the act of cheating on their loved one and showing the betrayed partner’s filmed reactions of horror, anger and humiliation.

What makes these painful reality stories so compelling?  I can understand the urge to check up on your own spouse or partner, but what makes watching someone else get sexually betrayed so compelling?

Hidden camera entertainment has a history as long as mass media.  In my memory it began with a radio show called “Candid Microphone” which later emerged as the TV show “Candid Camera” which purported to show people “caught in the act of being themselves”.   The results were often silly, funny and even heartwarming.  These family friendly episodes connected to our shared foibles as human beings.  And the people who were filmed were largely willing to be put on TV for all to see.

A more recent and darker version of the same premise was the TV show “To Catch a Predator” in which men seeking to sexually hook up with underage victims were entrapped in a sting and exposed on film (and arrested).  In this show there are no real life victims because the whole situation was a set-up.   Nobody got hurt, except the bad guys.

The fascination may have been with seeing the inner workings of a sexual predator’s mind, the self delusion, the denial.  Most people probably felt gratified to see such people trapped and taken off the street.

I would argue that the reality cheating shows draw offer a smorgasbord of drama, relief, schadenfreud, voyeurism and revenge.  But most of all they may offer a cautionary tale reflecting anxiety about our current societal dislocations.

A time of sexual transition

Both men and women cheat in large numbers during at least one of their relationships.  One set of data showed that 57% of men and 54% of women admitted to infidelity in a relationship and a whopping 74% of men and 68% of women said they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.

The nature of courtship (or even the necessity for courtship), monogamy, sex role expectations, norms of sexual orientation and gender identity itself have all been increasingly called into question in my lifetime.

We are in a time of transformation that took off with the women’s movement of the ’70s.  The challenge to traditional sex roles was reinforced in recent decades by the fact that it became financially impossible for most families to live on one person’s income.  This has stressed the fabric of the family and put a huge strain on the entrenched patriarchal idea of what it means to be a man or a woman.   We are in limbo.  We have pushed off from one shore but we have not yet reached another.

One might think that this should be a great relief, a freedom to be whatever we want.  And on one level it is.  But people do seem to need to have some sense of their “place” in the world.  We like knowing what the rules are, even if we break them.  And we like a sense of belonging.  We do a lot of what we do because it is what we have always done.

Cheating videos are a rebellion against political correctness

These shows do appeal to many prurient and baser interests.  They allow us to be voyeurs in that we are viewing “illicit” content. And like tabloid articles about the grotesque or tragic misfortunes of the rich and famous, they may make us feel a sense of gratitude for just being everyday simple folk.

However, these cheating shows do more than just catch the bad guys and expose them.  They also show us the pain of the victim.  I believe the net affect of all of this is to subtly reaffirm the traditional expectations about relationships.  In their hears people want their partners to be faithful.  People are deeply hurt if they are betrayed.  People are tempted to be sexually unfaithful even knowing their relationships may pay a heavy price.

In an interesting reversal, traditional expectations are now “politically incorrect”.  The shifting social/sexual landscape tells us we should be tolerant of sexual alternatives of any kind.  This tolerance, this loosening of old standards of behavior is now “politically correct”.

These changing expectations are coming at us faster than we can adapt to them.  We are torn between what we really feel and what we are supposed to feel.  This causes stresses on the individuals and families as they adapt to what many would say are more “normal” (looser) ways of behaving.  In this sense the cheater genre is deeply conservative, reminding us that we are not so chill after all.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“

Sex addiction is by definition a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that resembles any other behavioral addiction such as gambling addiction in that it is maladaptive and difficult to put down.  You may think of sex addiction in any of a number of ways: as a symptom of deeper problems relating to early attachment injury, or a constellation of symptoms such as intimacy avoidance, secrecy and dissociation, or a brain disorder resembling chemical dependency.  Or all of the above.  But no matter how you choose to think about it, sex and porn addiction are diagnosable and treatable.

Chronic or curable?

You will probably not get 100% agreement on whether sex addiction is a chronic disorder which can never be totally cured or whether it can be overcome completely through working on the underlying issues over time.  My own opinion is that you can be a “recovered” sex addict.

But no matter what you believe, if you work with sex addicts in treatment you are bound to see people who are sitting ducks for a relapse along their road to recovery.  This doesn’t mean that relapse is inevitable, it’s just that certain situations increase the likelihood that the addict will slip off the wagon.

In the following scenarios recovering sex addicts appear to have followed through with a good recovery program.  What is it that has gone wrong when they suddenly and inexplicably have a slip or relapse?

Periodicity

One of the most common ways in which people can be on thin ice without knowing it has to do with the rhythm or pattern of their acting out behavior.  This is simply the typical amount of time between episodes of acting out or the periodic nature of acting out in their particular history.

Many sex and porn addicts act out continuously with little or no “down time” when they are active in their addiction.  Most sex addicts have multiple behaviors so, for example, an addict may use commercial sex in one form or another but may look to porn to fill in the gaps when commercial sex is not an option.

Other addicts may act out as seldom as once or twice a month or even once every two months or more.  For example, an addict may engage in voyeurism or extramarital affairs in a persistent pattern but with periods of time in between.  Sometimes these dry periods represent a “binge-purge” pattern like that of other kinds of addicts and often addicts have down time that is characterized by remorse and feeling turned off.

Until an addict understands his or her own cycle of acting out, the periods in between episodes may appear to the addict and others as representative of an actual recovery.  It then comes as a rude shock when the urges return and the addict finds that they have not changed after all.  Looking at the timeline and pattern of acting out episodes will be important in identifying when a slip or relapse is most likely.

Sexual anorexia

Many addicts when they are in the initial crisis phase of recovery and are just beginning treatment feel little or no interest in their former compulsive sexual behaviors and some feel an active aversion to sex.  It is very common to mistake this period of temporary sexual anorexia for a true change.

This initial period of being turned off is more likely a reaction to the fact that the addict’s denial has cracked and been replaced with overwhelming negative emotions surrounding the addictive behavior.  This is particularly likely in situations in which the addict has gotten in trouble.

It is very important for addicts to understand that this is just an initial reaction and that they still have to proceed with their recovery program.  If they rely on the fact that their addiction has come out in the open and upended their life, they may feel that they will never act out again and don’t need further help.  In such cases the addiction is probably still there under the surface and may appear again at a later date unexpectedly.  It is not unusual for addictions to actually become worse during a period when they are dormant, thus making them more powerful when they reappear.

The “boutique” recovery program

I have seen many addicts who do only a part of what is necessary for them to be in sustained recovery.  For sure, everyone does addiction recovery in their own way, the way that works for them.  But leaving out important aspects of recovery work is perilous.

Some addicts do partial recovery because they are going into treatment for someone else.  When that person lightens up, they figure the problem is cured.   Some addicts go into an intensive program of residential treatment and feel that when they are released six weeks later they are done with the problem for good.

Some addicts feel they are what is called “terminally unique”.  They don’t want to go along with the program of meetings, therapy etc. because they’re not as bad off as all those “other” people.

Many addicts are unaware of their own therapy-interfering behaviors.  These are behaviors like continuing to be deceptive or keep up a front in some way, or putting recovery activities low on their list of priorities.  Often these addicts are too busy or they are too important, visible, or famous.  Or their work is too all consuming.  These addicts need to accept the recovery dictum that “anything you put ahead of your recovery you will lose.”

Going for the love cure

Last but not least, many addicts get into a relationship too early in the recovery process.  They are doing the difficult work of recovery and they don’t have their usual outlet.  These folks jump into a relationship because they are “lonely” and think they are “ready” to date.  But in fact they are seeking to distract from or numb out negative emotions.

Most often these new relationships are built around sex or fantasy and predictably reenact their typical relationship scenario.  This scenario is usually one that develops in tandem with their addiction and until it is understood and re-imagined, no new relationship is likely to be sustainable.  Instead, when the relationship doesn’t solve their problems, they will be vulnerable to sliding into relapse.

There is no one size fits all, but I tell my clients that sex addiction recovery usually involves at least a three year commitment to working a recovery plan that includes some combination of individual therapy, group therapy, 12-step meetings, spiritual practice, fellowship and learning new relationship skills.  The relapse scenarios described above all have to do with a failure to grasp the kind of deeper change that is necessary.

I have seen it work all different of ways.  Some people like to read and do experiential exercises and inventories. Others hate doing task work but will follow a trusted mentor or sponsor through the 12-step process.  Some people place great emphasis on the recovery fellowship.  Others go deeply into self examination and trauma work.  Some are deeply religious, some are atheists.  However it is done, the process is one of profound transformation and it takes time.

Find Dr. Hatch on Facebook at Sex Addictions Counseling or Twitter @SAResource and at www.sexaddictionscounseling.com

Check out Dr. Hatch’s books:

“Living with a Sex Addict: The Basics from Crisis to Recovery“ and

“Relationships in Recovery:  A Guide for Sex Addicts who are Starting Over“