The Hussy Housewife

Facebook killed the blog stars...

2011-01-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

Well she almost did...(I say she, I mean only a jealous women would want to know what you are doing all day..who your friends are..and what type of things you "like" so she can use it against you in the future)

ANYWAY..I haven't blogged on my humor blog in over a year. Such a disservice to my mentally unstable readers. I imagine if there were such a thing in the blog world...as "blog police"..I would have surely received a citation by now...possibly even jail time. 2 hots and a cot. Crowbar motel.

You see, at one time, life here on this blog was kinda like this:And then a great big social network system came into my life, and I was out of service here for a while..(well..1 year and 3 months, but who is keeping track?) Besides, that was the old me. Like the irresponsible pre-jailed Lindsay Lohan. I am a new person..Your honor..judge..I swear.

After I left..life here became kinda like this:

I am gonna make it right. I promise..(just as soon as I quickly open another browser window and just update my Facebook status REAL quick....just one more hit..just one more for old times sake...)

You know, I am not positively sure, but I am PRETTY sure Facebook is more highly addictive than crack...or even Meth. You know that "Not Even Once" Meth campaign? Yeah..that should apply to facebook. It is THAT addictive. I am gonna lead a research team on this hypothesis of mine....(umm..right after I check my Facebook one ...more..time)

I have received several angry emails from you readers. I do plan to resume writing. The voices in my head are getting stir crazy. My inner Hussy Housewife needs released again.

If any of you reading this have a blog..drop me the link in the comments and I will add you to my blog roll. I wanna get back into reading my friends and families blogs and commenting!
The Hussy Housewife

Friday Facts

2010-01-15T11:59:00.000-08:00

1. If you're a healthy, full-grown adult, your thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
2. The U.S. government spent $277,000 on "pickle research" in 1993.
3. Thomas Edison invented wax paper.
4. The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
5. Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
6. When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
7. Rule of thumb: Nearly all boys grow at least as tall as their mothers.
8. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but no downstairs.
9. Charles Dickens always slept facing north. He thought is improves his writing.
10. Men get hiccups more often than women do. No one knows why.

Thanksgiving is the 'new' middle child

2009-11-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

Folks...we have a injustice here on our hands.

A axis of evil is a work...known as the mega department store merchandising spirit of the holiday destroying monster.

I have had enough of this. Last I checked..Thanksgiving had reservations for the fourth Thursday in every November. Under the name Pilgrims and Native Americans. Did you not get the call?

I was shopping last week when all of a sudden the department store announcer came over the loud speaker to announce how many days left till Christmas.

I would prefer you keep that information to yourself..and save that guilt trip for your husband..when you want him to go to Taco Bell and buy you a Fully Loaded Nacho Bowl..but he won't because he is watching football..and you tell him how your uterus gave him two beautiful children and you were treated like a lactating cow for months...and the least he could do was go get you a Full Loaded Nacho Bowl....because they are only for a limited time only...and you went to the liquor store for him last night to get his Vodka and tonic water....

Ooops..I got off on a un-biographical rant...where was I? Oh yes.

How dare they try and pull their holiday shopping mind games on ME!! I am filing a wrongful shopping lawsuit on Thanksgiving's behalf.

Departments stores go straight from Halloween to Christmas....completely skipping over poor Thanksgiving like a forgotten middle child. All for the big green money making machine known as Christmas.

They use Christmas like Michal Lohan uses Lindsay Lohan. Like Joe Jackson uses Michael Jackson's legacy. All they see is $$.

Just because you can't make as much money off Thanksgiving doesn't mean you can just push it aside like a red headed step child with halitosis and a limp in it's walk.

Holidays have feelings to.

Sure, pay all the attention to the over achieving eldest child..thank them for all the great revenue they earned on Halloween costumes and candy for the family....then pick up your youngest baby Jesus and squeeze and cuddle them, tell them how cute they are, thank them for black Friday..then turn to your middle child..Thanksgiving...and tell them to go take out the trash and clean up your toe nail clipping by your bedside.

I must stand up and fight for poor Thanksgiving. It is gonna develop all kinds of middle child syndrome traits if we don't act now. They often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention, can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child, they are loners. They are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by.

I can't have a emotionally unstable Thanksgiving on my calendar. Have it acting like this. Not caring about cooking my turkey...only mashing my potatoes enough for them to qualify as mashed..but they till have lumps in them. I can't have him feeling insecure about his stuffing recipe. He needs to know he belongs in the kitchen..cooking my feast! The Hussy has high standards.

So a note to department store announcers: Please refrain from announcing how many days till Christmas while I am shopping. I am tired of Thanksgiving getting a raw deal. Your attempt to put pressure on me is a waste of your time.

Cause I don't have any money left to spend in your store...I spent all my money on Vodka and Fully Loaded Nachos.

Fight for the Injustice of Monday!

2009-11-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

Monday gets a bad rap...and it started with Garfield.

I like to set Monday off right.

Show it a good time, and then pay the tab.

Let it know that while everyone else says they hate him..that I love him like Michale Jackson loved propofol.

That if Monday and Saturday were both drowning, I would save Monday.

I would always ask Monday if they "would accept this rose?"

Take it on the Rock of Love bus with me.

I would never take Monday to "my special little spot"..shove strawberry boones down it's throat and take advantage of it.

Or ever Facebook status update that I was mad that it was here.

You would think with all this..I would get a little Monday love.

Nope.

This is just a example of how you know your week is off to a fan-tab-u-lous start.
Just another fine example of why I have to pass out booze and pills like Kool-aid and fruit snacks.

Nothing like this to help my "have to be in a bridesmaids dress in 5 days diet plan." You know, when your car smells like pizza for weeks. Good times.

Thank you Monday for always keeping it exciting. What would I do without the spice in my life?

Friday Facts

2009-11-06T09:03:00.000-08:00

1. Eagles see better than humans on clear days, humans see better than eagles on foggy days.
2. Sex survey: More Americans lose their virginity in June than in any other month.
3. Kentucky Fried Chicken's Col. Sanders was actually born in Indiana.
4. The average mattress will double it's weight in ten years as a result of being filled with dust mites and their detritus.
5. Hard to swallow: 9% of the world's ostriches suffer from eating disorders.
6. The average bra is designed to last for only 180 days of use.
7. "Tug of war" was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.
8. How many hairs on your head? If you're blond, about 150,000, brunette, 100,000, redhead 60,000.
9. There are 10 doctors in the United States whose last name is "Nurse."
10. While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes wore a fake beard.

I am not textually active..I am still waiting to have text with the wrong person.

2009-11-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

Ok...that used to be true.

I was not textually active. But then my friends were all doing it. They were all saying how great it was. How if felt good to text and it wouldn't hurt. That nobody had to know. It would make me cooler and more popular.

All I had to do was keep my little dirty texting secret from the police while driving. Do it under the table while at dinner.

I did start to feel the pressure to be in the "Text Crowd." What was I missing out on?
Everyone else was doing it. I wouldn't be hurting anyone. No harm done.

I promised myself to text responsibly. To get on text control immediately!

No texting while driving...(Dangerous)
No texting during dinner or while talking to friends....(Rude)
No texting while on the toilet...(Unsanitary)
*ok..I have broke that one..but I did wash my phone afterwards*

No one-night-texts. Not to give my text messages just out to anyone...it is a special gift. I will wait for the right person. I have to know a person at least 5 minutes before I feel comfortable enough with them to have text.

No haveing multiple text partners...texting hunders of texts a month.

I promised to be safe...I don't want to get any STD's (Stiff Thumb Disorders) that can lead to textitis. I do use protection. I have a protective screen cover.

I am officially Twittering..Facebooking..and Texting on the go...in public. Who knew what I was missing out on all these years.

And remember folks..if you are textually active to..please text reasonably.
Know who you are texting.

Friday Fright Facts

2009-10-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

1. PEZ was invented in Austria by a man named Edward Haasand. He named PEZ after the German world "peppermint." It was an adult breath mint that he decided to market as an alternative for smoking. In 1952 PEZ wanted to expand their sales, so they set their sights on the U.S.A. To make their product more appealing to Americans, they placed heads on the dispensers and marketed it for children.
2. The melting point of cocoa butter is just below the human body temperature -- which is why it literally melts in your mouth.
3. Candy Corn was invented in 1880 by George Renninger of the Wunderlee Candy Co. The three colors of the candy are meant to mimic corn. Each piece is approximately the size of a whole kernel of corn, as if it fell off a ripe or dried ear of corn. The secret ingredient is marshmallows..that is what makes them so soft! It remains one of the best selling Halloween candies of all times.
4. Candy was used as an offering to the gods of ancient Egypt. Honey was used as the sweetener until the introduction of sugar in medieval Europe. Among the oldest types of candies are licorice and ginger from the Far East and marzipan from Europe. Candy making did not begin on a large scale until the early 19th century, when with the development of special candy making machinery it became a British specialty. In the United States the candy industry began to grow rapidly during the mid-19th century with the invention of improved machinery and a cheaper process for powdering sugar. In 1911 the first candy bars were sold in baseball parks; by 1960 candy bars made up almost half of all U.S. candy production.
5. Chewing Gum became an important part of American culture and is often associated with being the catalyst behind the vending business. Early chewing gums were a challenge as they were hard to chew and the flavor, if any, lasted a very short time.
6. Circus peanuts date to the 1800s when they were a seasonal treat and one of the original penny candies. No one knows how circus peanuts got their shape and name or how they long they've been around. One theory is that they originated with the traveling circuses where vendors sold salted peanuts and candy. Spangler Candy Co., is one of the few remaining makers of circus peanuts. People can't wrap their brains around circus peanuts, because they are orange and look like peanuts, they taste like banana. And they are chewier than a traditional marshmallow. Even those who like circus peanuts can't agree whether they are better soft and fresh or stale and hard after sitting out for a week.
7. Flashback of the Candy from the 1980's: 1980's - Atomic Fire Balls, Bit-o-Honey, Bubblicious Radical Red, Candy Necklace, Candy Cigarettes, Charleston Chew Chocolate, Lemonheads, Wonka Tart ‘n Tiny, Bubble Gum Cigarettes, Pixy Stix, Ass’t Saf’T’Pops, Jawbusters, Now & Later-Grape, Now & Later, Wax Fangs, Wax Bottles, Clark Bar, Laffy Taffy Watermelon, Bottlecaps, Zours, Astro Pops & Cinnamon Toothpicks.
8. OK,OK I will give some of you hippi's the candy form the 1970's: Rocky Road Milk Chocolate Bar, Clark Bar, Pixy Stix, Tart 'N Tiny, Gold Rock Nugget Bubble Gum, Goobers, Bubble Gum Cigar, Charms Assorted Squares, Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip, Bubble Gum Cigarettes, Wonka Strawberry/Banana Laffy Taffy, Slo-Poke Jr. Suckers, C. Howard Lemon Mints, Boston Beans, Cherryheads, Red Licorice Pipes, Willy Wonka Chocolate Bar, Necco Chocolate Wafers, Sugar Lips Wax Chewing Gum, Double Bubble Bubble Gum, Candy Buttons, Caramel Bun Bar, Charms Sweet & Sour Pops, Razzles Candy/Gum, Nestle's Oh Henry Candy Bar, Wonka Bottlecaps, Teaberry Gum, Strawberry Pop Rocks, Sen-Sen Breath Refreshments, Zotz Candy, Reeds Rootbeer Candies, and Nik-L-Nip Wax Bottles.
9. Halloween is the holiday with the highest candy sales, followed by Easter, Christmas and Valentine's Day.
10. Candy is made simply by dissolving sugar in water. The different heating levels determine the types of candy: Hot temperatures make hard candy, medium heat will make soft candy and cool temperatures make chewy candy.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Halloween: A excuse for girls to dress like sluts

2009-10-29T06:45:00.000-07:00

What the heck is going on.

Since when did Halloween turn into "Dress like a Hooker Day?"

Did I miss the memo?

Well, I guess I did.

Which is fine for adults...if that is what you want to do...

to make yourself feel young and frisky..
to have a day where people don't whisper, "I heard she was a slut" behind your back like they did in highschool ...or
to get more candy from strangers....or
to make your husband not regret that he didn't marry that one slut back in college..or
to try and get all your son's friends to think you are a MILF...in hopes of snagging a Stifler.

Just let me know, and I will make sure to bring lots of dollar bills out in the occasion. To put down your bra..while I talk behind your back about how you look like a slut...*cough* I am *jealous* *cough*, and how I could dress like that ~~before I had two kids~~ if I wanted to....
and then I could tell you to put that money toward your monthly prescription that you take for low self esteem that you must have. Cause why else would someone dress like that?

BUT, where I draw the line (yes, I do have a few morals) is the fact that are selling slutty versions of Halloween costume for young girls. I mean like toddler and up-aged girls. Miley Cyrus would be sooo disappointed in you little hussy's in training.

Not to mention..me loosing my job security.

When I bought my 3 year old daughters Wizard of Oz Dorothy dress...I bought it a few sizes to big..because they had is soooo short..that her bum was hanging out.

Really people? For a 3 year old? That is sick. And we wonder why we have so many pedophiles out there.

I am sure there is a conspiracy behind this.

Are strip clubs using this Holiday as a personal job fair-recruitment day? Are they hurting for business in this bad economy?

Well..I will be dammed is they are gonna try and recruit my daughter.

So...if after Halloween..my daughter asks for a stripper pole for Christmas..should I be concerned?

You say Miracle Whip..I say Mayo

2009-10-23T07:12:00.000-07:00

It is all right war at this point up in the sandwich spread world...of wonderful goodness. The butter knives have been drawn out and are ready for some spreading.

This Hussy is living in the Mayo side of town..Mayoville. I dare anyone to try and get me to move..get me to switch spreads. I will make fry sauce out of you faster than you can say hydrogenated oil.

Why am I coming off so hostile? What happened? Well..the Miracle Whip advertisers have gone to far...made one to many dips at us Mayo-ers expense. Making me about to bust a egg yolk!

There latest ad campaign. "Don't Be So Mayo" has clearly ruffled my taste buds. They think they are all that with their tangy zip taste..more spices..sweeter taste. Just take look:

Don't blend in? Don't be ordinary? Boring or Bland? In other words.. don't be so Mayo? Threating ME to not tone it down?

Sine when id your hip-ness determined my what spread you use? Who is behind this spread campaign? I am coming for you.

You can take your supposed own, unique, one of a kind flavor and go sit out on the counter with your lid off at room temperature!

They are nothing but a dressing. We over here in Mayoville..we are a main staple ingredient. A thick condiment....and after I get done petitioning the Food and Drug Administration..we will be our own food group. Part of the food pyramid.

How many recipes do you see call for Miracle Whip? Exactly. The Only thing you that is a miracle ..is that you have survived in the sandwich spreadable world this long. All you have to look at is our name Best Foods...enough said.

Besides..do you have a Holiday named after you? No. I didn't think so.

Cinco de Mayo...you better check your egg whites and vinegar! Don't mess with my condiment.

Would I like a little food with my mayo? Why yes..thank you.

Facebook..where everyone knows your name

2009-10-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

...and what you are doing.
What you are thinking.
Who your friends are.
If you like/dislike something.
Who thinks their kids are sure cute.
How mad everyone is on Monday, and happy on Friday's
Who's kids are annoying the crap out of them.
Who needs coffee in the morning...or they will surly die.
How everyone feels about the weather.
Who is good at Bejeweled Blitz. (me<---)
Which of your friends wake up early to play Farmville...and feed their virtual animals. (Yeah..crazy huh?)
Who is addicted to Mafia wars...and needs help.
What dumb quiz's your friends are taking.

You also get people who pass out virtual hugs..kisses..and rounds of drinks. While this is the more sanitary version..and helps prevent the spreading of the swine flu..I don't find any comfort in a virtual drink. It is very sobering...and not in a good way.

Facebook is a Pandora's box of sorts, a window into people minds and private worlds. Once you are in..well...you may not ever get out. I must admit I am fully addicted. This addiction MAY have even led to me neglecting my blog here...gasp...I know. Guilty <------

I have decided to change my evil..cheating ways though..I promise. I will spend more time with you here. It is just that Facebook was such a new relationship..I got so caught up in honeymoon stage of it. He was paying more attention to me..and I felt neglected around here. I promise it was just a short affair. No feelings involved. I never loved him.

I think I just got addicted to the idea of "us" over there. We just had made so many friends together. I did try to break up with him once, but he wouldn't let me go. He threatened to erase me/keep me away from all 340+ of my friends. I just couldn't break up will ALL those friends.

Is there a social network rehab facility available? Anyone know?
No? Good..I really didn't want help anyways.

You may ask yourself..what is all the hype about anyway? Why are millions of American's sacrificing sleep? Risking loosing their jobs due to the distraction/decrease in their work production?

It all boils down to a simple answer. Humans crave the need to connect with people. Cheers was onto the idea..but they had beer. Facebook just took it to a whole new level...and just passed out vitual beer.

Here is the Facebook twist..you know the tune:

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to login in to Facebook

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can status update,
that our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name and status update.

What can I say..I am a victim of Facebook circumstances.

Don't for get to go my Facebook account..and add me as your friend..you know..cause....I like to spread and support anything that may turn into a addiction or require antibiotics..

Friday Facts

2009-10-16T09:31:00.000-07:00

1. Placed end to end, the bad checks Americans write in one year would stretch 35,000 miles.
2. More collect calls are made on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.
3. If you pet your pig, it will have a larger litter. Pigs, like people, respond to kindness.
4. The United States spends $79 million a day collecting "intelligence" around the world.
5. Calorie counting? People who work at night tend to weigh more that people who don't.
6. Getting married at Disney World? An extra $375 will get you Goofy as a "guest."
7. States with the three highest divorce rates: Arkansas, Wyoming, and Tennessee, in that order.
8. There are an average of 178 sesame sees on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
9. Heavy thought: The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
10. When do shoplifters take the most stuff? Between 3pm and 6pm on Friday and Sunday.

If you let me Trick ya..I'll Treat ya!

2009-10-14T10:21:00.000-07:00

It is almost time to play dress up...I love, love, love Halloween. I love having a day where it is considered normal to look like a freak and act like a fool. Which for me just means a day to actually get to be myself..the Hussy Housewife...with no unwanted stares...no mental health calls...no solicitations.

Cause maturity wise ..I am...like...umm...12? Give or take a few months.

For years my Hubby and I used to host a big annual Halloween party for all of our friends..before kids.

We used to go all out. I could show you tons of my costumes, but you got work to get back to, so here is just a few.

Once I was a Geisha Girl to my husbands delight:Or a 1920's Flapper:
One year I decided to take a stand against all the fake-boobed, plastic smile, pounds of make-up pageant type girls. (psst.if you have fake boobies..what is your doctors name? Did they hurt? How much did they cost? *cough*) I mean....

You know the ones...carbon copy Barbie dolls..when you look upstairs..they aren't the smartest peanut in the turd..per..say.

Well kinda like this:
Yeah..like that. So I made my own sash that read, "Miss Plastic" on one side and,"Miss Silicone" on the other:
Yeah..then my darling kiddos came along. They have since become my center focus on this holiday. They have taken over my Halloween night. With them getting all hyped up on kiddie cocaine (aka sugar) and trying to touch me with sticky fingers, and tempting me for week at home with a bowl full of "Muffin Top Causing" candy/sweets. Thanks again.

But times are changing. I am ready to get back in the spook of things. This is where you all come in. I have 3 ideas of who I want to be this year..and can't decide.

Vote for your choice...who I am gonna disguise myself...as...
Kate Gosselin OR Lady GaGa OR Kim Zoliack...hard decisions here folks!

I will help you break it down in terms of pros and cons:

Kate Gosselin:
Pros- When else am I gonna be able to wear the reverse mullet with no shame?
- I get to carry my hubbies balls around in a mason jar all night. My hubby can just wear a Ed Harley shirt and be set to go.

Cons: -People may just want to ask me parenting tips/ideas all night..while I am trying to ignore them because I am trying to have my own play date with Capt. Morgans.
-I might encounter a drunk frat girl..and for some unforeseen reason..get the urge to beat the crap out of her..and end up in Jail...cause i thought she was sleeping with my husband.

Lady GaGa:
Pros- This character costume is the closest to my alter ego..The Hussy..so it won't be to much of a stretch for me. I play this delusional-artistic-part in my mind everyday and here on my blog. I enjoy making people think I am temporarily insane. Is it working?
- If I pull this off tight...this may help in my chances of collaborating with Lady GaGa on writing a few songs with/for her. My people (Dwight and Capt. LeatherFace) have already contacted her people regarding this collaboration..we are still waiting on a response.

Cons- I may get bombarded with stupid questions like..."Hey GaGa..what is a disco stick?" OR "Are you really a hermaphrodite?"
- I may end up with a synthesizer headache by the end of the night.

Kim Zoliack:
Pros- My chance to finally play the part of a selfish, self-important diva, wear a push up bra and let the girls hang out and play. Chain smoke Merit Ultra Lights..while I fondle my blond wig...and I tell everyone how beautiful I am...and Sing "Tardy for the Party" allllll night. Yeah!
- My hubby can be Big Poppa..and I can have fun calling him on the phone all night saying, "Big Poppa..I want a Capt'n Coke..Ohh thank you Big Poppa..Oh thank you..I love you Big Poppa!" And jump up and down like a 6 year old on Christmas morning. Till my friends all hate me and kick me out.
-I will get to finally full fill my dream to have a Gubby. Kim has one that is so fierce...he wears high heels. Maybe I could get my hubby to dress up as him for Halloween.

Cons- I would be forced to lower my IQ for the evening and ramble off statements like, "I wanna DIE in Dior." "Sheree trying to pull my wig, I could have done that to, like you have fake hair too, and I could pull yours to, but you have glue...like who does that?" OR "I'm honest about the fact that I'm dating a married man. [If I'd been] a stripper, why wouldn't I tell you?"
- I wouldn't be able to enjoy my party..because I would constantly have to be looking over my shoulder for NeNe or Big Poppa's wife to come and drag me outside by my weave.

What you think?

The Hussy is back and in the blog!

2009-09-28T11:07:00.000-07:00

Ok...so last week was my "not really that grand" Hussy Housewife Blog Premier. I came out of my ~~slumber~~ summer blog break. I really have missed all you crazy voices in my head.

I had envisioned my grand entrance back to blogging as a something like this:

Well maybe you guys weren't really all that excited. Wait...what?...you were? Ohh, oops..someone just farted..sorry. Anyways.

I must admit..I did seriously think of never coming back to my blog. Kinda like a dine and dash...but instead of sticking you with the bill...I would stick you with the emotional scars of our relationship.

I guess it will depend on the traffic and responses I get. Otherwise I may decided it may not be worth my time anymore, and to just focus my energy on starting to write my book instead of posting.

Heh..time is money...and money is cocktails people. I need incentives...or I loose interest.

Then I thought, I am to legit to quit. So maybe it was just that I needed a blog makeover..maybe I was just tired of the way this place looked. I mean..just look around at this dump. Looks like a drunk-delusional-lunatic lives here. Oh..wait. Ummmm....never mind.

So I decided to make a new header for my blog....what do you all think? To much? I may still play around with it a bit. I may even muster up enough determination and drive....and change my layout a little. A new Hussy for 2009-2010?

Wait, who am kidding? I probably instead will just go grab a mag rag..and a Capt-n-Pepsi and go catch up on my DVR. I'll just make Dwight do the work around here.

Friday Facts

2009-09-25T08:00:00.000-07:00

1. Only about a third of "Gilligan's Island" episodes are actually about getting off the island.
2. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
3. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
4. The first novel ever written on a typewriter was The Adventures of Tom Sawyer.
5. Stage fright: According to tradition, it's bad luck to say "MacBeth" in a theater.
6. The average caterpillar has 2,000 muscles in its body. The average human, less than 700.
7. Bestselling candy bar in Russia: Snickers.
8. Restroom tip: The first stall is usually the cleanest. Most people, seeking privacy, skip it.
9. The top 6 reasons for being late to work: 1) traffic, 2) oversleeping, 3) procrastination, 4) household chores, 5) car problems, 6) having sex.
10. In their first year of life, puppies grow 10 times faster than human infants do.

MWF seeking a fabulous Gubby

2009-09-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, now where was I?

Oh yeah..this calamity that I ♥:

So..as I previously posted, I have been watching these Housewife shows for years....and being that I am a housewife as well.....I have taken several booze soaked pages of notes. Dysfunctional knowledge at it's best. Mmmm.

Like, that I need to find a cause...a charity...so I could have a excuse to throw a big party *cough* I mean...throw a charity event....well at least disguise it as such for a tax write off...but really plug my latest ventures and Hussy Housewife brand through out the event...and spend more on the Cocktail bar alone, than what was raised in total for my tax shelter/charity.

Then, I go to lunch with girlfriends for champagne and cocktails *cough* I mean business meetings...in order to "plan" my charity event...I also have my house manager/housewife assistant prey on my mailbox all day to pounce at what other invitations I get in the mail TO other ~~tax shelter-booze wagon~~ charity events.

Main reason is, this gives me a excuse to call up my gay boyfriend...tell him we need to go shopping for a "dress" for me to attend the event. So I then can spend more on my dress and shoes than I plan on donating to the charity. Make sense? I am good at math huh...oh yeah remember? Oh, and don't forget this one.

ANYways..this brings me to one very important life skill I have learned from this ~~calamity of goodness~~ educational show. It inspired my latest and greatest new word, my 8th word that I have gotten accepted into the Urban dictionary. (Can I get a that is soo Bananas? Thanks yous.)

Drum roll pleeeease...

"Gubby"

Ok..if you are to lazy to click on the link there..here is the meaning, definition and word used in my Hussy Housewife sentence. You know who you are:

Gubby:

Term used by housewives to describe their gay friend who is their gay version of their husband.

The man who acts as their husbands replacement/stand in for outings and activities that her hubby won't partake in. Ones he may deem "girlie."

"I asked my hubby to go with me today and get pedicures...then hit the fabric store to pick out fabrics for our new curtains. He told me to call my Gubby..cause there is a Football game on today."

********
I need a Gubby. Every housewife needs one.

My all time favorite Bravo Housewife's Gubby:
None other than..Nene's Gubby..the one and only..Dwight Eubanks
The fabulous hairdresser and fashion police of Atlanta. Him as my Gubby would go like this:
**********
(I walk into his salon to get my hair did...)

Dwight- "Well hey miss thing! Don't you look fabulous."

Me- "Thanks love. Just a little something one of my Gubby's picked out for me. Did you hear about Sheree's fashion show?"

Dwight- "Dreadful. A fashion show with no fashions? That is low budget."

Me- "I know. I heard she was bouncing checks down at a clothing store last week."
*********
My hubby has finally relented on letting me have a Gubby, he has given his permission on my acquiring one for a few reasons. One, it is football season..and between that and his Harley..he just doesn't have enough time for me. Second, I had my birthday a few weeks ago..and since it was MY DAY..I made him do all these Gubby activities. Like shampoo and condition my hair. No really...I did...salon style.

After that day, he was like yeah, you can have a Gubby..but I don't think you will find one here in Idaho. So thus begins my strenuous search.

I really am in need of a triple threat Gubby..fashion, hair, and interior design.

I am thinking about a Gubby along the lines of a mix of Dwight, Jeff Lewis, and Tim Gunn.

My ad I am gonna place:

"I am a Idaho Housewife looking for an emotionally available Gubby. One who is into fashion and able to give fashion advice. May assist in personal shopping duties. Must have a cosmetology license and be knowledgeable in interior design. One who is willing to listen to let me express all my feelings. Must be able and willing to gossip like the best mag rags out there."

So if anyone knows of any available..hook a housewife up.

I leave you with my favorite train wreck of a housewife, Kim's song. Don't be Tardy for the Party:

Tardy For The Party (Mix) - Kim Zolciak

The Hussy Houswife's Fall 2009 Season Blog Premier

2009-09-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and Gentleman. Please be seated. Welcome. Welcome. Thanks for stopping by. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Please be seated. Hold your applause. I missed you guys to. Take your seats. Hold your comments till the end of the blog post.

So do any of you watch Bravo TV? You know, the channel that tells you..."watch what happens."Sorry..that was just a plug for my blog...I couldn't ~~touch~~ help myself. Here is the real one:

Well you CERTAINLY do need to start watching this channel to see what happens. It is quite the calamity of goodness. It is like watching what is left of humanity get in a car with Lindsay Lohan who is drunk and high on red bull..and you are the fly on the arm rest. EXACTLY. Calamity goodness.

So ANYways....I am hooked on one of their shows like Jon Gosselin is hooked on Ed Hardy Tees and drunk frat girls. Drum roll pleeeese........The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Ok, now here is the part where I make a few deep confessions...and then you let me cry..and you don't judge me...and then you cry... then you make a few confessions too...and then you ask me if I need a drink...and then I say yes..and then you get us drinks...then we end up BFF's forever.
K?
K.

Soooo, actually I have watched *cough* every *cough* season *cough* and show *cough* of the BRAVO Housewives franchise *cough*

What?

Remember the "no judging my life priorities part"?

Soo, that means I have watched every beautiful scandel-icious episode of The Housewives of...Orange County...of New York...of New Jersey..and last but not the least bit scandel-icious...the Housewives of Atlanta.

Why do I confess these things....to let you know that this "officially" makes me the utmost Bravo Housewife specialist. PLUS..I am a housewife myself. PLUS I am totally Scandel-icious myself(Hello? Just read this blog). Which basically makes me a Bravo TV triple threat. Yeah I know. You wished I lived up in your neighborhood don't ya? You can send me your requests.

So ANYways...on the down low...I, the Hussy Housewife....Due to my Bravo TV/Housewives triple threat status, am in negotiations right now with the Bravo TV network to get my own Housewives series called:
Can you say, "Sweet Potato"!!!!!

Umm...yes..that is a potato I am holding. And yes that is a potato skinned-bikini-wearing potato on top of the beautiful state of Idaho. I live up in I-da-ho, and that is how we rolls up here.

Just the mere fact that the Hussy can't be held responsible for what she says OR does= Good Television.

Trust me. You are gonna wanna..."watch what happens."

To be continued.....
I will be explaining what my new word: "Gubby" is.

~The Hussy~

Friday Facts

2009-09-11T07:20:00.001-07:00

1. The largest painting on earth is a 72,437 square~foot smiley face.
2. There are only 2 places in the world where men outlive women: Southern Asia and Iran.
3. At this moment, nearly 2,000 thunderstorms are taking place around the world.
4. Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book, If I Ran the Zoo.
5. Where does the word condom come from? Dr. Charles Condom (1630-1685)>
6. Sound familiar? Gorillas stick our their tongues when they're angry.
7. The heaviest dog on record was a St. Bernard that weighed 310 pounds.
8. Traffic report: Accidents rise 10% in the first week of daylight savings time.
9. Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation on Earth.
10. Kitty litter: 3,000 out of every 3,001 calico kittens born are female.

~I am resuming my Blog post duties on Monday. My blog summer break is officially over! Try and hold yourself's together.

The Hussy Housewife

Don't be a status update late, and social network short of crazy

2009-08-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

To help feed any of your sensuous Hussy Housewife withdrawals you may be experience during this difficult time: My summer blog break. I have took it upon myself to force feed you some of my Twitterings the past few months..for those of you who are to ashamed to be associated with me for unknown reasons:

Those who aren't my Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter. The following is a sneak peak inside my head. I know..scary isn't it? Try to stay calm.

~Megan wants a millionaire: First Joe,the guys who doesn't know he really is gay,and now Ryan suspicious of murder= Hussy says Scandel-icious

~Hahaha!! This is for all my Google image thieves who try and steal my pictures I make on my blog. Go to my blog..and try to copy one of my images..I DARE ya!

~Is it just me, OR is Joe the trust fund baby on Megan wants a Millionaire so far into the closet..he is in Narina? The boy doesn't even know he don't like girls.

~Rewarded kids for completing swim lessons w/ Chocolate goodies and taking them out to their choice of lunch. Now why wasn't there someone waiting at my car w/ A Capt 'n' Coke and a People's magazine?

~To all the freaks at Walmart..just a warning: NOT ME. NOT TODAY. I knew there was a reason I hadn't been there in weeks...don't people work anymore?

~I would like to give a big shout out...and say thanks to Chloe for managing to completely dump 2 bowls of cereal yesterday morning, and Cormac for spilling his glass of milk this morning. Thanks for helping stimulate the dairy industry. Is 8am to early for a cocktail?

~Was in charge of registering my niece for jr high today. On the form it asks, "Is there any home situations or circumstances we should be aware of?" If my nice would have let me..I could have had a field day with that one..and my sister would have never talked to me again!

~Why do people look at me weird when I tell them my weenis is dry. Does anyone know how to fix this problem? It has been driving me nuts all summer! And.Yes..I have tried lotion.

~Weekend trips + fun = post trips chaos and clutter that I always get stuck cleaning up on Mondays.

~Reasons I gave for needing my girls weekend. That if I didn't, I would either end up on the 5 "O"clk news or in jail, and nobody wanted either.

~I am home. All safe and scarred. Chick's in the Stick's girls weekend was beyond a blast. I wish I tell you all the goods..but I signed a non-disclosure.

~My 3 weeks to order bridesmaid dress..has now gone to 1 day! I can't kill a muffin top in that time. What is this a shot gun wedding? She swears there is not a bun in the oven...but I may need her to pee on a stick to confirm this.

~My response to my parent/tot swimming lesson with my unenthusiastic 2 10/12ths yr old, "I shaved my legs for this?"

~Curse you Bejeweled Blitz..curse you! I knew I should have never clicked on you. It is like crack to a crackhead. But I wouldn't know.

~My lips quiver..as the Pad Thai touches my lips. I waited all day for you.

~Thinking about finally starting to write the book I want to pen. These things I have learned need to be shared with the masses. A little Hussy education if you will.

~You wanna know what self control is? The fact that I went the WHOLE day w/out touching and fondling my Pad Thai leftovers from last night. I know. I know.

~Steven Colbert is wondering if under Obama's proposed health care plan..if Sober is gonna be considered a pre-existing condition? If so..I have a cure...I can be a government contractor.

~As far as the Beer Summit goes tonight at the white house..big deal. Obama once asked me over for a beer..I said thanks, but no thanks.

~Wondering why I am up so early. Did my husband fart to loud and unknowing wake me up? Who can say for sure, but I am up for some unknown reason,,,

~May be having a "Come to Jesus Meeting" w/ Chloe this afternoon.

~The good slacker news: I can go 3 weeks w/ out having to do my kids laundry. The bad slacker news: I have 3 weeks worth of laundry to do. Today is has been 3 weeks. I loose.

~Slowly my prayers are being answered...Crocs footwear are slowly being extinct. They laid off 1/3 of their workforce. Sorry for those of you that are NOT hospital staff that wear them. Just when you though the economic crisis was a bad thing ;)

~Pepsi KILLED Michael Jackson!! Who knew they were killers. I am gonna take my chance and still hang with the killers..but on on a sporadic basis..cause of the calories and sugar. Which coincidentally is also a killer...CRAP!

~All the words are gonna bleed from me, and I will think no more.

~This just in..beep..beep..beep: My neighbor just called and asked if it was OK for her and her husband to put me on as a beneficiary on their life insurance policy. No kidding. Now..how to make it look like a accident?

~Avocado egg rolls. Need I say more. ~shudder~

~Ok. Still on the fence for the 3rd child. Taking your suggestions. Also if hubby gets to buy ANOTHER Harley..what kind of commission should my uterus charge for this 9 months service?

~This just in: Hubby tells me we can have a 3rd child if he gets to buy another Harley.

~Thanks to Chloe,my whole house and myself smells like Old Spice deodorant and baking soda toothpaste. I now am off for the rest of the day for my unscheduled mental break down.

BREAKING BLOG BREAK NEWS: Boat Juice

2009-07-27T08:30:00.000-07:00

Beep...be..be...beeep...bee..beeep...this blog news just in:

The Hussy Housewife has stumbled out of her summer blog sabbatical for a few minutes to bring you all this very exciting/mind altering news:

She has just released her very own brand of Vodka based "Boat Juice"

During a recent interview with the Hussy Housewife, she put together a few incoherent sentences together for us to tell us more about her endeavor.

"Yeah..here where I exist..it can tends to get in the triple digits. That forces me out in search of cool bodies of water. All in hopes to prevent myself from turning into jerky. What use would I be if I turned into Jerky?"
"Exactly."

"So when I am out on the river boating, I still need my happy sauce to prevent the shakes. So I have mixed together a few "juices" for you all! Some say tomato, I say clamato!"

Some of you may still be wondering.."Why should I drink the Hussy's Boat juice? What can it do for me? All I can tell you as far as why you should:Before the Hussy touch:
After the Hussy touch of the happy sauce, and a few other top secret herbs and spices:

Come on folks...make today..a snappy new day!

I am a boomerang ...on summer break

2009-07-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, I have been on a blog summer break....and I promise to:If any of you are wondering what I am busy doing all summer..in hopes of possibly running into me and sharing a little happy sauce......it has to do with what I did last summer..and the summer before. You get the picture:I have LOTS of great stories to tell you all...and pics to share. It will be worth the wait, if not...I will let you all subject me to water boarding with vodka. The Hussy misses all you great voices in her head..and will be reporting for duty when she recovers from the summer fog..and remembers her name.

I have however made time for whacked out/delusional status updates of the Hussy on my twitter and Facebook accounts...you know...because 140 character updates is not much of a commitment. Hussy never makes commitments. Check it out.

Also, go to Humorbloggers to get some more funny!

AYDS helps you loose weight

2009-06-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

This video of the week is to help all you out there trying to get ready for swimsuit season. The pressure for some may be too much. That is why I am endorsing AYDS. It is a easy way to loose those unwanted pounds. No needles or unprotected sex even required for this AYDS. It is simple and easy. Just take a look for yourself:

Yeah, who needs to taste, chew, or enjoy? Thanks you AYDS plan!

Secret..Secret..I got a Secret!

2009-06-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

(This is a re-post from last year...a little reminder for all you Hussy newbies of who I am and why I am here. Before the blog post starts, please remember to kindly turn off all cell phone devices and get your kids to shut up. Thank you....and enjoy the post.)

Ok...now that ~~The Hussy Housewife~~ my blog has now officially turned "One Year Old", I feel that this may be a good time to let you all know some of my secrets. Secrets that I have been hiding for some time now. I was afraid if I let you know the real me..you would all turn up your noses up at me and run away. Have all your fingers pointing at me in the room. Or go blog all my most inner..deep secrets to the whole land of Internet tubes.

Am I crazy for Swayze? Or just plain crazy? These questions I can not answer for you, that is for you to decide. I guess I may need some help explaining this. Who should I call? Ty Pennington? Chuck Norris? Rod Blagojevich?Oprah?

NO! I will have Styx help explain this. I will reveal my deep dark secrets through a song. That should make this difficult discussion easier.

I will write my own lyrics as they pertain to me. So you can play the video/song..then follow along below with my lyrics..if you will. I hope this doesn't change the way you all feel about me...but I have to get this off my lovely chest:

Introducing: The Hussy Housewife AKA "Mrs. Hussy Roboto"

You're wondering who I am..machine or mannequin?

With parts made in Japan, I am the mod-ren woman

I've got a secret I've been hiding under my apron

My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain A.D.H.D.

So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised

I'm just a housewife who needed some pills and booze, and somewhere to blog and hide

Pills and Booze to keep me alive-just take them to keep me alive

Somewhere to hide, I take them to keep me alive

I'm not a Hussy without emotions-I'm not what you see

I've come to help you with your problems by blogging

I blog so we can be free

I'm not your hero! I'm not a savior! Forget what you know

I'm just a housewife whose circumstances went beyond her control

Beyond my control-we all need control--I have no self-control-we all need self-control!

I am the modern housewife, who hides behind a blog

So no one else can see my true identity

Domo arigato, Mrs. Hussy Roboto, domo...domo

Thank you very much, Mrs. Hussy Roboto

For blogging the topics that everyone is afraid to

And thank you very much, Mrs. Hussy Roboto

For helping me escape in your blog just when I needed to

Thank you-thank you, thank you.

I want to thank you, please, thank you

The problem's plain to see: too much reality TV

Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize

The time has come at last, To throw away this mask

Now everyone can see, My true identity...I'm the Hussy! Hussy! Hussy! Hussy Housewife!

Friday Facts

2009-06-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

1. A snowstorm becomes a blizzard when the temp drops below 2o°F and wind speed hits 35 mph.
2. Life span: A butterfly lives for about 6 months.
3. First American to have plumbing installed in his home: Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 1840.
4. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.
5. Some starfish have 8 eyes-one at the end of each leg.
6. In 1980, the yellow pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under Frozen Foods.
7. The first sound recording ever made was, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," by Tom Edison in 1877.
8. Genghis Khan's cavalry rode female horses. Why? So soldiers could drink there milk.
9. On an average day, 102 people visit the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco, Texas.
10. In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Thanks for the Pink Balls, Melissa

2009-06-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

I, the Hussy Housewife, have coined a new term to add to my Hussy Library, "Pink Balls."

A word so Hussified, that I decided it needed to join some of my other word entries in the Urban Dictionary. Another one accepted and approved. Deal sealed.

I know many women out there suffer from this very element. They are out there right now feeling ashamed and worthless. So I thought it would be appropriate to spread the news..word...that just like the X-files... you my friends are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You are normal as compared to the Hussy standards. (Disclaimer: I am not a licensed Doctor..just a licensed loon)

First let me explain/define what Pink balls are:

"Men get blue ones..women can get pink ones. It is when another women talks of a great recipe they made, or a sweet pair of shoes/purse they bought, or a fan-tab pair of jeans they just got. They get you all excited..stimulated...telling you all about how great and tasty these items are. Leave you wanting to know more. Where they got them? How much did they cost? How can I get/try some?

They build you up..and up. You can't wait to try it/borrow them.

Then you go over to their house to try/check out these this items ..but the recipe/food is nasty, the jeans/shoes/purse are waaaaay ugly. Straight from the dollar store and not your style. Your bubble has been deflated, no climax....honey......you just got pink balls!"

You have all had this happen to you. Don't hide. You know who these "type" of women are. These women are DEADLY..and will use any means of force necessary to give you pink balls:
Here the word is, used in a real life sentence that took place between my husband and I this week:

Hubby: Your home early.

Me: Yeah, my sister gave me pink balls.

Hubby: What!?

Me: Yeah, she told me she had made my favorite recipe, Strawberry-Jello-Pretzel salad. I got all excited and went over to her house to have some.

Hubby: OK, and..

Me: It was GROSS..she made it wrong..took one bite and it wasn't worth the calories. She got me all excited and I just got Pink Balls!

Hubby: uuuuhhh...ohhh.

Don't worry folks..I am ok now. Have recovered, and trust me..my hubby is used to my crazy shenanigans by now.

Back story to this. I will make my sister, Melissa, some great food. She will always go, mmmmmmm, what is this? I want the recipe. Then I will give it to her. She will then try and make it...with always disastrous results. Not one recipe I have given her has she been able to make right. Why can't she get the SAME recipe right? WTFudge? (Yeah she messes the fudge recipe up to.) Even her kids tell me they want mine..which them infuriates her. I think that is a great trade off for her giving everyone pink balls.

Needless to say it is very exhausting..and she gives me pink balls EVERY time. I am a slow learner.

You guys know what I am talking about?

Meth-O-Maid at your service

2009-06-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

Ladies and a few of you gents, that are also in charge of cleaning the bulk of your houses', I must inform you of a disturbing story.....
Yet at the same time, a very creative story.....a creative solution to a ongoing historical "tit for tat" argument that has been going on between man and women since the beginning of our idealistic cohabitation.

Since Adam and Eve ate the apple. By which Eve immediately looked at Steve after he took the last bite, and threw the rind on the ground,

"You aren't just gonna leave that rind on the ground there are you? You better be picking that up."

By which Steve replied, "What? I hunt Eve, and you gather..gather up all the mess I leave behind myself...that was the agreement...remember."

The rest of the historical story is long and complicated..but can be summed up like this:

Eve then decided to play the "who can last the longest" game. We all know how this game ends. Adam won, he would just step over the rind on the ground and ignore that it was there. Never notices the stench..since it had started to rot and stink. Eve couldn't take it anymore..so she caved (no pun intended) and picked it up and threw it away. She did this while she also plotted her womanly revenge..thus resulting in what is now know as "woman's minds games." The rest is history..or shall we say still in present.

Here is the story...that was in the paper...no lie:

MORTON, Wash. -- A Lewis County man faces assault and child endangerment charges after detectives say he made his wife drink water spiked with meth.

The woman was breast-feeding their three-month-old child at the time. She said she did not know the meth was in the water.

The 34-year-old man told investigators he hoped the meth would give her energy to clean the house.

The man is currently locked up in the Lewis County jail on another pending charge. Detectives said they learned of the meth incident while listening to the inmates phone calls.

I can see where he was going with this cause and effect theory. However, here is the problem with his "Meth-O-Maid" theory. Most crackheads that I have run across, don't have clean houses or yards..or teeth for that matter.