The Geek Muse

A Church Organist's Response to The Wedding Project and a Rant on Modern Church Music

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 21 Oct 2012 16:38:00 +0000

So the Church of England has completed its four-year investigation into dwindling church wedding statistics - known as The Wedding Project – and the result of this review is the publication of The Church Weddings Handbook: The Seven Pastoral Moments That Matter, a new book that is intended to revolutionize the traditional church marriage ceremony. One of the suggestions in this new book is that couples should be allowed to walk down the aisle to modern pieces of music rather than the traditional Wedding March. A new ground-breaking proposal? Really? Well I’m a church organist and I've been playing modern pop and rock pieces for weddings and funerals for the last 15 years (there are vids on YouTube of my church organ arrangements of Metallica, Lady Gaga, Muse and Green Day and, more recently, Lana Del Rey and Adele to name a few). I enjoy receiving requests for organ arrangements of pop and rock songs because each one is a fresh challenge and it’s also the kind of music that I listen too; I’m a huge live music lover (in fact I’m nursing a hangover from a gig last night), I've been a keyboard player in a rock band and my music tastes are wider than the sky…

Now I stopped playing the organ and going to church recently, not for religious reasons (I have never been religious, I just enjoy playing the church organ) but because I lost respect for the direction that the church was going in and its repeatedly forced modernisations. Aside from a few aspects about the church in general that I became increasingly uncomfortable with - such as fleecing poor pensioners out of every last penny to meet the apportionment laid down by senior and affluent living clergy - I didn't like the way that the church was moving music-wise. Let me explain. I love going out to gigs and I listen to a lot of new music but sometimes, just sometimes, it's nice to sit quietly, relax and chill out to a gentle, old hymn tune. It's the perfect break from the manic noise of modern life. But my weekly hour of escape came to a screeching halt recently when the desperate-to-be-cool-but-actually-quite-cringy clergy decided that they wanted to turn the Sunday morning service into gig night, so we had guitars, drums and people yelling their vocal chords out. Sunday mornings were pretty much indistinguishable from my Saturday/Friday nights. And all my hard work learning to play the organ was annihilated by hymn books that replaced beautiful four part harmonies with cheesy guitar chords and words that were clearly written to be read by young children. Excuse me? I'm a musician, not a bloody primary school teacher with a knowledge of four basic guitar chords!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no stick-in-the-mud who runs scared from change (bring it on!) and I love modern music – particularly as I am partial to dropping the odd prelude on My Chemical Romance into the communion once in a while – but I worry that the CoE is increasingly obsessed with the belief that old music equals bad music. I worry that it will start phasing out the old stuff and eventually this resource will die out and we are going to lose a helluva lot of very good music. And what will we be left with? Girls Aloud? Purlease. If I get married and find out that my only option to walk down the aisle to is One Direction then I will freak out big time. Please, please, please, CoE, remember that the key to modernisation is amalgamation not replacement and the old stuff – no matter how outdated you think it might be - is still a valuable resource for musicians (in fact, how many times have I found myself playing a psalm and thinking 'someone should sample this because it would make an excellent sample for a goth-rock song...'). And since when do we dispense with anything that is of musical, literary or artistic value just because it is old? If this is the case then when was the last time you read a Shakespeare play? Not recently? Then let’s throw all his plays away, shall we? And surely we don’t need da Vinci now that we’ve got Banksy, do we? Fetch the skip….

The other difficulty that I have with this new proposal is that… how should I say this …we are in danger of implementing The Chav Project rather than The Wedding Project. Walking down the aisle to Cheryl Cole or Rihanna can work if – and only if - it’s done right but unfortunately I have attended some weddings where the couple have tried to put this off and it has been a truly awful experience, like a cheesy DJ at a kid’s party. Seemed like a good idea at the time, right? I would regularly remind couples that I was willing to arrange a modern piece for their wedding if they had a particular song in mind but, if I'm honest, by and large most brides asked to walk down the aisle to the traditional, spine-tingling Wedding March. And, I’ve got to say, these tended to be the classier breed of bride. A bit of Improvisation on Tinie Tempah might attract the brides who want the blingy, TOWIE/Katie Price style of wedding, but it could be a huge turn off for other couples (the chavvy church or the classy stately home with a string quartet you say? Hmmm, where do I book?). I suspect that someone senior in the church has been watching too many episodes of Big Fat Gypsy Weddings and spotted a nice opportunity to fill the coffers. Ker-ching. And it’s not like the church is money obsessed, much…

I worry about where the CoE is going with The Wedding Project and its overall trajectory in general. It doesn’t seem to want to assimilate the ancient and modern but completely trample all over the old ways and convert some beautiful old churches and equally beautiful pieces of music into cheesy 60s sitting-around-in-a-loving-circle meeting places and nursery-rhyme style borderline-screamo worship songs. What the Church doesn’t realise is that its identity is in its traditions, they are its *thing* and it should be making the most of them, not throwing them in the trash and jumping on the latest, cheesiest fad. Being cool is about being an individual, not a mindless sheep. I don't want an awkwardly-cool entirely modernised church, I want a traditional, broad-minded church that can do the shouty drum banging and tambourine waving thing (if that’s what the masses want *sigh*) but also isn't afraid to have a quiet, traditional Evensong once in a while with traditional hymns from the New English Hymnal. That’s the difference between cool church and hipster church. The very second that the church that I attended converted into a poor man’s O2 academy then it became like any other modern venue in my life and it lost what attracted me to it in the first place. What happens when a jazz venue decides that it wants to move into thrash metal or a rock pub decides that it wants to book boy bands? The punters go elsewhere...

If I have a message for the church it is this: Stop apologising for yourself! Yes, it’s lovely that you are willing to update and modernise and I thank you for this, but if you keep up this landslide of grovelling apologies and forced modernisations then you’re going to compromise yourself out of existence. Grow some balls, stand up and be proud of what you are. Then, and only then, might I think about giving you a second chance. But the real shame here is that four years of research have gone into solving a riddle that I could easily solve in thirty seconds. I suspect that the declining appeal of the church is largely due to the public’s growing distrust of the church itself; stories in the media of paedophile priests, wrangles over gay rights, the constant demands for financial contributions while bishops sit at home quaffing champagne etc etc. A bit of Girls Aloud isn’t going to change that…

The Avengers Themed Cocktails

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Wed, 23 May 2012 20:25:00 +0000

Some fabulous Avengers themed cocktails from The More I Arty for mixologists and cocktail lovers who want to get their geek on....

The Problem with BBC’s The Voice UK

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Tue, 08 May 2012 17:08:00 +0000

Dear The Voice,

I hear you are having rating difficulties and here is the problem as I see it:

1. Contestants appear too professional. Most of them are (over)confident and have dabbled in the music industry in the past and/or clearly have some experience performing live. I expected amateur, bedroom karaoke divas who are too shy to sing in public, not fallen popstars or failed stage school dropouts.

2. I thought the idea behind ‘The Voice’ was that image was irrelevant, hence why the judges could not see the contestants in the early stages. Well most of them look pretty average-to-glamorous to me. Yes there is the occasional individual with image issues but they are more the exception than the rule. I’m not expecting a freakshow, but I was expecting a few less Rihannas and a few more Susan Boyles.

3. The battle stage quickly turned into a screaming match and there was only so much high-pitched caterwauling that I could take before reaching for the aspirin and the remote control. I don’t want to hear two people repeatedly out-yelling each other for attention. Slip a few gentle acoustic numbers in there.

4. Inject a little humour. At the moment the whole process looks like a chore and it certainly feels like one.

5. I’m not sure that we can take more than 20mins of Jessie J in one sitting.

I won’t be watching again, sorry. It was a commendable idea but it needed a lot more consideration before rolling out. Stop chasing the over-confident Youtube wannabees and root out the silent stars with low self-esteem that are lurking amongst us. The public love an insecure-underdog-ducking-to-swan story and if you can fill a show with them then you’re on to a winner. Call me when you’re ready to make some changes...

A Comment on Academic Publishing

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 06 May 2012 18:57:00 +0000

A few weeks ago I uploaded an edited version of my PhD thesis ‘Dragging Down Heaven: Jesus as Magician and Manipulator of Spirits in the Gospels’ to a new blog at http://wasjesusamagician.blogspot.co.uk

I had carefully considered whether to publish the thesis back in 2007 but had decided not to do so because I thought that the subject matter had a much wider appeal than the average academic publisher could reach and I imagined that extending the discussion out from behind the University gates had the potential to be very interesting indeed, particularly given the subject matter. From the responses received so far I am pleased that I made that decision as the website has reached further than I could ever have imagined. I have received messages from academics, clergy, occultists, school teachers, bloggers etc from a variety of continents and around 90% of these responses have included a message of thanks for getting my research ‘out there’. The general feeling appears to be that academics are too insular, that publications are too expensive and ‘us normal folk are left in the dark when it comes to current research’ (to quote one message). In addition, many readers have said that they would not pay to purchase a copy of a published book but they are more than happy to click a link out of curiosity and start reading…and then email/tweet the link to their friends, who in turn send to the link to their friends...

Subject matter aside, the website has provided a very interesting insight into how the public view the dissemination, or rather lack thereof as the case may be, of scholarly research. There is certainly a hunger out there for easy access to current academic research and academics are equally hungry to disperse their work as widely as possible, so maybe the internet should play a bigger part in bridging this gap?

The Bullring Bull Gets A Bostin Make-over

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Thu, 03 May 2012 18:23:00 +0000

The iconic Bullring Bull has been given a Bostin new look for the summer with his own Royal Britannia-inspired outfit.

His new look was unveiled today as Bullring revealed their plans for a Bostin British Summer, which include a Jubilee picnic and tea party in association with St Martin’s Church, a Bostin artwork masterpiece and weekends of live music in Spiceal Street.

As one of the UK’s most photographed landmarks, visitors to the centre will be encouraged to share their pictures of the Bull with Bullring on Facebook (BullringBirmingham) and Twitter (@bullring) as well as their thoughts about his new outfit.

The Bull, who donned a knitted jumper last Christmas, will keep his diamante Union Jack-inspired outfit on throughout the next few months as Bullring celebrates this year’s Bostin British Summer. In July, Bullring will also launch the search for the city’s most Bostin Postcode as shoppers are encouraged to hop on a treadmill in the centre to raise money for charity.

Louise Hamer-Brown, Head of Marketing at Bullring, commented: “This summer we’re putting the spotlight back on Birmingham and inviting our shoppers and the local community to get involved by contributing to our Bostin art masterpiece, raising money for charity with our Bostin Postcode Challenge or by simply telling us what they’ve got planned for the summer on Facebook or Twitter.

“This summer we want to really showcase exactly why Birmingham is Bostin and we’ve decided to get the city’s favourite landmark, the Bull, involved too. After all as they say, diamonds are a bull’s best friend.”

For more information about Bullring’s Bostin British Summer please visit www.browsebullring.co.uk/bostin.

Building the Future, Burying the Past? The Modernisation of a University Library

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 14:10:00 +0000

Last week I was informed that a redbrick University here in the UK will be demolishing its main library and building a new one. As a former student of the University, I have been aware of a furore surrounding the demolishing of the grand redbrick building in favour of a modern alternative for a while as I was invited to sign an online petition set up in opposition to its demise. The plans for the development look very interesting and I look forward to seeing how they are executed, however there appears to be dissent among the ranks about the message that accompanies this move.

When it was pointed out that the new library looks smaller than the present one on the plans, the justification for any downsizing was ‘because students don’t really use books these days’. Ouch. Chicken and egg, anyone? Was that the death knell for the written word I just heard? Libraries and book shops across the country should take heed.

There appear to be two issues that are raising concern: the library building and the books within...

The Books

Hopefully the redevelopment will take place without the loss of any books and with the addition of extra facilities. But as a former student I worry that the redevelopment will be an excuse to lose one or two volumes that are considered outdated, given that apparently students ‘don’t really use books these days’. Please please please, University developers, don’t throw out the books and replace them with huge computer screens and online resources. I agree that technology is essential for futureproofing, but holding onto these dusty books is futureproofing in itself, if not a step further.

What developers need to realise is that we might be in the age of digital downloads but all the cool kids collect vinyl. How many teenagers do you see in the street wearing huge earphones? Why are China selling mobile phones to teenagers that *just* make phone calls? It’s handy to have books on my Kindle but I prefer to display them on my bookshelves. I store all my music on iTunes but I still buy CDs because I like the artwork. However you feel about the intrinsic value of the written word, if the University wants to futureproof its business then it must keep its books for people like me who will always prefer a balance and to guard against a turn in the popularity tide back to hard-copy resources. Besides, technology can all too easily go the way of the minidisc player...

The Building

Faux modernisation is happening a lot these days and I hope that the University is not setting itself up for a cataclysmic fall if it chooses to follow suit. Many institutions have recently sought to ‘modernise’ their business by ripping out anything that smells dusty, painting everything white and scattering some uncomfortable funky chairs around at the expense of unique and irreplaceable historical aspects that makes them distinctive from their competitors. Take the Church of England, for example. It is continually falling over itself to update and modernise and as a result we have three kinds of churches: the dusty old churches and mighty cathedrals that have survived redevelopment, the dated retro churches from the first exploratory steps into redevelopment and the ultramodern futuristic churches currently in redevelopment. Now put yourself in the position of a bride-to-be. The ultramodern churches are very pretty to look at and would look nice in the wedding album photos, the retro churches would make you look like you’re getting married in the 70s with their tacky kitsch interiors, but the absolute make-your-friends-insanely-jealous setting would be in an old, untouched, crumbly church or cathedral. I was a wedding organist for 15 years and let me tell you with authority...*everyone* wants to get married in old churches and cathedrals. Ultramodern is second best, but bear in mind that the retro churches were once the ultramodern churches. New developments date very quickly, hence it can only really be termed ‘faux modernisation’...

The added problem for a University is that the average student, to whom these funky modernisations are ultimately aimed at, encounters this kind of environment on a daily basis. They see it everywhere. It’s nothing new. The older professors might be impressed by the changes but I doubt your average 19/20 year old will even stop to pop his earphones out. And the danger with modernisation is that if it’s not absolute top-end spec then it invariably becomes tacky and dated very quickly, just like the retro churches. Ill-advised ‘cool architecture’ can be as cringe-inducing as watching your dad dance.

But the base-line here is that ‘funky architecture’ is not what you expect of a redbrick University. A newly-labelled Comprehensive perhaps, but not a redbrick sitting on top of a goldmine of history. Thinking back to my expectations on my first day at University, I expected to walk onto the set of Harry Potter when I stepped inside the University gates. And it didn’t disappoint! Walking into the main hall of the University was like walking into a big cathedral, it certainly had the ‘wow factor’. I expected Hogwarts and how massively disappointed would I have been if it had resembled an Apple store?! There was a real sense of history and belonging, which was fostered in part by the visual history evident around campus - predominately the buildings, such as the library. I fell hook-line-and-sinker for this sense of history, so the University should be ensnaring other prospective students using the same method, not trying to suppress it at every turn! And there is an important business aspect to this too; any member of a group will tell you that group cohesion is better achieved when there is a unique, unifying element that is specific to the group and separates the group members from outsiders, whether that be what they wear, how they speak or what they believe. This is how armies and gangs are united. This is the way that human nature works. Each University has its own history, its own ‘unique element’ that students expect to buy into. By removing this ‘unique element’ and replacing it with a ‘ten-a-penny McDonalds element’ the group will quickly lose its sense of belonging. And that, as it has been pointed out to me, is corporate suicide...

This might all be a panic over nothing and the old library will segue painlessly into the new with no bother whatsoever. I have every confidence that this will be the case. But for other Universities planning similar redevelopments the concerns raised must be addressed. Decisions made within Universities with regard to the future of the written word should not be taken lightly as they will influence generational waves of students and thereby send ripples out into the wider society. And there is no system backup, once these hard-copy resources are lost we may never recover them again...

‘Bromford Dreams’ Mural as Unemployed Youth Paint Alongside Muslim Artist

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 09:34:00 +0000

From the 13th-17th February unemployed young men from the multiply deprived Bromford estate in east Birmingham will be working alongside the ‘urban spiritual artist’ Mohammed ‘aerosol’ Ali, The Hub youth centre and Dr Chris Shannahan of the University of Birmingham to design and spray-paint their dreams for their community onto a huge cube. After the unveiling which will take place as part of a community event on Saturday 18th February at 12 noon the ‘Bromford Dreams’ Cube-art will be on display in the streets of Bromford, after which it will be exhibited in different locations across the city of Birmingham.

Mohammed ‘aerosol’ Ali is an award winning artist who has painted murals in major cities including New York, Chicago, Toronto, Kuala Lumpur, Melbourne and Dubai. His work seeks to bridge the gap between different faiths and cultures (www.aerosolarabic.com). Mohammed Ali will lead the young people on a week-long journey, visiting his studio-gallery in the Sparkbrook area of Birmingham and touring the inner-city murals he has painted across the city. The journey aims to inspire them to develop their own artwork and understand his approach of painting for social change. Mohammed said: “We have problems in our society, 2011 saw the riots in our city, we see divided communities. It’s time to inject some creativity into our efforts with dealing with these issues.”

Worth Unlimited is a faith-based charity working with socially excluded young people across the UK. At its heart is a commitment to ‘building hope, unlocking potential and realising worth’. ‘The Hub’ youth centre in Bromford is at the heart of Worth’s work in Birmingham (www.worthunlimited.co.uk).

Dr Chris Shannahan is a Research Fellow in Urban Theology at the University of Birmingham. His work focuses on the changing face of faith in the city, especially amongst socially excluded young people (http://www.birmingham.ac.uk/staff/profiles/tr/shannahan-chris.aspx). He said: “This is a big coup for the University of Birmingham. To be involved at street level and to be delivering such a project is very exciting.”

The unveiling of the ‘Bromford Dreams’ Cube will take place at

12 noon on Saturday 18th February at The Hub youth centre,

146 Bromford Drive, B36 8TY Birmingham

Art…..Music….Points of View….Food….A Chance for Interviews and Photographs…

For further details please contact Chris Shannahan at
c.j.shannahan@bham.ac.uk or 0121-414-7192.

This project is co-funded by the University of Birmingham, Arts Council England and

Worth Unlimited

The impending demise of rock music?

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:52:00 +0000

I’ve been aware of a few stories circulating recently lamenting the decline of rock music. Some of it is seriously apocalyptic stuff, for instance The Independent ran an article today pointing out that ‘only three of 2010's 100 bestselling singles were guitar-driven’. That’s pretty bleak. But when I think about it, I can’t remember the last time I heard rock music on a mainstream radio station, in fact it has been noticeably absent. Just try to name some rock bands appearing in the mainstream charts right now. Not easy, is it?

This morning Kristofer Dommin, lead singer of the band Dommin, asked the following question on his Twitter:

“What do YOU contribute the decline of rock music in the landscape to? Is rock guilty of not evolving? Is it just a trend?”

The question made me sit back and wonder what on earth could be contributing to this sudden apparent apathy. Is it something that we are doing as music listeners? Or are we, the rock bands, guilty of cutting our own throats somehow? This decline in interest is particularly worrying for those of us in bands who are slogging our guts out in rehearsal rooms each week. Is there any point in carrying on if no-one wants to listen to us? Maybe if we can uncover the source of the problem then we can figure out whether it’s just a passing phase or a long-term, serious threat to the genre itself. The first step is to consider whether the problem is with supply or demand...

• Supply

Perhaps there are fewer new rock artists out there to feed through into the mainstream in the first place? Maybe the talent just isn’t there? If this is the case then we need to investigate the cause of this breakdown in supply. There are, for example, huge cost issues involved when playing in a band as instruments, petrol to drive the band around, rehearsal rooms and recording costs don’t come cheap. Maybe it is difficult in the current financial climate for new artists to afford to play? I also wonder whether new artists become disenchanted when they make their first foray into the world of live music because it is not the instantly glamorous lifestyle that the media leads us to expect. Carrying heavy instruments around, playing hideous dives in the middle of nowhere to three drunk locals, sitting in the rain outside a locked venue, sleeping in the back of a tiny van with hung-over bandmates - the early days are not pretty. Some ‘pre-packed’ rock bands seemingly appear overnight without this history behind them and if they have history then it has been clearly swept under the carpet, so the reality of gigging in the early days may come as a shock to some new artists.

An expectation of immediate success is also fostered by reality TV shows that distort our concept of the music industry’s mechanism for finding talent. Reality TV is the whipping boy for a great deal of our cultural grumbles, but it’s true that such shows teach young artists that there is no need to tout yourself around back-street pubs and clubs playing to empty rooms and sending audition tracks to labels. You just upload a video to YouTube or enter a competition and you are plucked from obscurity and fast-tracked to the top of the charts. As the X Factor auditions demonstrate, some singers haven’t even stood on a stage before and in a blink of an eye they have a number one hit and they’re booked to play Wembley arena. There must be oodles of sublime talent sitting around in bedrooms waiting to ‘be discovered’ on Youtube rather than booking gigs in local venues and getting their music out there.

Yes it might be getting tougher for new artists to stay active and the channels feeding them into the mainstream may be changing, but when I consider fellow artists that my band and I meet on the Birmingham circuit alone there doesn’t appear to be a rock famine out there. There are plenty of gigging bands that fulfil the criteria for a bona fide rock band and they are desperate to break into the larger market. So the problem cannot be with supply, it must be with demand...

• Demand

As music listeners, what do we expect from the music we listen to and where could rock music be falling short?

Some rock bands that have broken through into the public consciousness in the past few years have arrived on the scene pre-packaged with readymade scripted personalities and posters, t-shirts and stationary sets waiting in the backrooms of department stores. We all secretly suspect that merchandise and the saleability of a band is higher up the shopping list of the music industry than the actual noises a band makes. And, if true, then this saleability would be massively affected by the artist’s appeal to the mass market. This mass market - and the music industry in turn - has become increasingly squeamish when it comes to signing raw artists that push boundaries and it is noticeable that our music has become increasingly sanitised and child-friendly. It’s sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll after all, right? Not anymore. Take mainstream pop singers like Rihanna and Britney Spears for example. How many times have they been blasted recently for being too raunchy? We need to stop for a second and think about the real target audience here. If your ten-year-old is pole dancing in the front room then maybe it’s time to take the Rihanna CDs off her, but kiddy-related fears trump our adult tastes every time and without fail the party is ruined for the rest of us.

And it’s not just sex that gets our disapproval; it’s violence, drugs and all the general ‘unsavoury’ elements characteristically (although often unfairly) associated with rock too. Take the whole Marilyn Mason/Columbine High correlation. Without resurrecting the debate, the US branded Manson as the influence behind the killings and the entire Western world went on censorship red alert as a result, fearing that any guitar track would cause their teens to start committing violent crimes. Hence rock music took a huge knock that it has since struggled to recover from (interestingly, how many serial killers relaxed to classical music before going on a rampage? Should we stop all teenagers listening to Debussy or Chopin in case it stirs psychotic tendencies in them?). And finally, I’m not condoning drug or alcohol abuse by any means, but the very second a musician is caught in a room with something mildly dodgy, drinks a little too much or has more than one woman in a hotel room they are vilified and ostracised from the industry with no second chances. No ifs, no buts. I’m with the censors on the drugs issue to be fair, but a small part of me wonders how many influential bands we would have lost if we had taken this approach back in the 60s and 70s?

It is difficult for a genre of music that is so closely associated with pushing boundaries and ‘living life on the edge’ (even if in lyrics alone) to thrive in a climate of oversensitivity that increasingly panders to delicate sensibilities that might be offended by explicit lyrics or a tiny bit of raunchiness. So maybe it is the kindly-killjoy brigade that is responsible for marginalising rock to the point of death?

One final option is that rock is simply seen as out-dated in a world of movie-set music videos, epic stage designs and pre-packaged artists that are carefully selected and briefed to fill a desirable hole in the market and then plucked, vamped and painted with the brightest gloss shine. The stereotypical dirty-gritty, spit-on-the-stage rock artist is very difficult to conform to this ideal and perhaps the sight of a group of people on stage playing instruments live is seen to be somehow amateur and undesirable. If this is true then it is a crying shame because, besides from various possible side-effects like kids will stop showing an interest in learning to play instruments, an essential part of the glorious experience of discovering a new artist and enjoying their journey is unearthing their history, the funny anecdotes, the people they’ve met while gigging, their on-the-road-grown quirks and idiosyncrasies and most importantly what drives them to share their music with their fans and fellow musicians. Many new artists look great on the screen, but they do not come with these attractive extras to flesh them out. Pre-packed musicians will write boring as hell biographies....

If I take a step back and look at my own band, Turn Off The Sun, then I can’t understand why - if the newspaper reports are to be believed - bands like us will be condemned to the scrapheap before we’ve even plugged in our amps. Yes, we’re feisty on-stage and we put energy into our performances, but we’re not deliberately offensive to the average music listener; we don’t use lots of foul language in our lyrics, condone violence or take drugs so we’re pretty ‘safe’ (apart from our drummer Neil who has a tendency to fling his drumsticks across the stage, he’s pretty dangerous) so we’re not going to cause any riots or turn your children into psychotic monsters. We come with an interesting back-history, silly anecdotes and all the ‘DVD extras’ that appeal to a fanbase. We’re fairly pretty and take good photos so we tick all the shallow, superficial boxes to keep the poster printers happy. We, and many bands like us, are poised on tenterhooks for an opportunity to make our donation to the music landscape, champing at the bit to flesh it out and make a contribution worthy enough to wrench music back from the teetering precipice of a trashy, pop-driven cesspit of linear crap. And this is what confuses me about the whole situation more than anything; how can something die when there are so many like us - musicians and music lovers alike - who are desperate to feed it?!?

The Honey’s Revenge: Lana Del Rey, Adele and the Vilification of Beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 21:02:00 +0000

Back in July 2011 I stumbled across the mesmerising video on Youtube called ‘Video Games’ by Lana Del Rey. Haunting is a word that has been overused to describe it, but it really is. I fell instantly in love with the melody, Lana’s voice and the kooky imagery in the video and posted it wherever possible on Facebook, Twitter etc for my friends to hear. She climbed up my most-played iTunes list, muscled in on my iPod airplay and I was first on the phone to book tickets to see her when she toured at the Birmingham Academy. I always reserve judgement on an artist until I’ve looked in the whites of their eyes and heard them sing live and I was very impressed by Lana’s vocal range, her ability to hit those top notes, her husky-glamorous style and the overall ambience of her performance. She turned a sceptical girl into a fan. So I’m very confused as to why some reviews of her new album Born To Die, due for release on Monday, are so critical. And I’m doubly confused as to why there appears to be a problem with her pouting, girl-next-door-turned-gangster-moll character. I suspect, unfortunately for Lana, that even if she sang like a cherubim on God’s right hand her fatal weakness is this - she is a woman in the public eye who is prettier than the norm and not afraid to flaunt it. #popularityfail

It all started a few years back when it become cool, socially acceptable (and even encouraged) to ridicule women who had gone to extreme measures to alter their appearance and make themselves look more attractive, whether it be through breast implants, botox, surgery etc. Prominent public figures like Jordan and Jodie Marsh bore the brunt of the public aggression while ‘ordinary girl on the street’ celebs like Lily Allen, Adele etc could do no wrong. You could be the sweetest woman on earth, but once you passed a certain level of prettiness it was assumed that you were a fame-hungry harridan hell bent on burning the earth to the core. The trickledown effect has over time fed into the wider society with this derision being directed at any woman, celebrity or not, who is even mildly attractive. (The most recent incident was on Celebrity Big Brother 2012 – the final of which is tonight. Admit it, the second you saw Natalie Cassidy - the ‘average girl on the street’ - you assumed that she would be a lovely girl, a laugh and a joy to be around. Yet when the ‘honeys’ arrived - the Playboy twins, Nicola McLean etc - you naturally assumed that they would be bitchy. Am I right? Although we didn’t know the housemates and based our judgments on first impressions alone, guess which ones we cheered and which ones we booed…).

On the flip side to this ‘honey vilification’, I caught Adele Live at the Royal Albert Hall a few weeks ago and cringed so hard that I had to switch off after the first ten minutes. Yes, she’s a good singer (albeit with a limited vocal range…listen for it…) and she’s knocked out some good tunes (well, we’ve been brainwashed into liking them at least), but I was shocked by what was, essentially, the sight of a chavvy fat lass slurping on a cup of tea and swearing like a trucker. It was over-the-top, exaggerated chaviness on a monumental scale that almost felt like it was put on for the cameras. Get some decorum girl! And yet she’s lauded by, well, everyone. Why are we not trying to clean up her act? Is this the kind of cringingly awful chaviness that we view as the societal norm? I suspect that we adore and foster this type of crass personality because it makes us feel good about ourselves. Adele is safe, familiar, unthreatening, resembles every other ‘girl on the street’ and slurps tea and curses like the rest of us. Perfect, she’ll do, stick her on the radio. Lana Del Rey, on the other hand, is a larger than life character who is different, pretty, classy and edgy (a pseudo-edginess that Adele tries to emulate by swearing her way through a setlist) and that is very unsettling to your average ‘girl on the street’. And before you say it, looks and size are irrelevant. It’s true that beauty is predominantly a state of mind– it is classy, refined and has self-respect. That certainly isn’t on Adele’s stage. Take a step back and consider which singer you would prefer to act as a role model for your daughter…

As a disclaimer at this point, I must say that I consider myself to be pretty average looking and by no means a ‘honey’, but I have some friends who are very easy on the eye and they regularly encounter anti-beauty discrimination in their everyday lives. One recently remarked to me that she would feel much more accepted in society if she had tracksuit bottoms and a cap surgically attached, swore/drank/smoked like a docker, tried her hardest to resemble a man and took no interest in her appearance whatsoever. Then, and only then, she felt that she would be accepted by society for who she is rather than belittled and disregarded for how she looks. We must remember that taking a dislike to a woman because we consider her to be more attractive than us is equally as offensive as taking a dislike to a woman because we hate her skin colour, weight or age. I would like to think, in an ideal world, that our veneration of the crass and vilification of the beautiful plays no part in forming opinions with regard to new faces such as Lana Del Rey, particularly as some critics appear to have formed an opinion before she even opens her mouth. I would honestly love to believe that, but I have one eye on the seething anti-beauty subtext that is bubbling beneath the reviews whenever a pretty face hits the headlines. We really need to keep this in check before it becomes a problem…

Cirque Du Spiceal is Unleashed on Bullring

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 21:44:00 +0000

Imagine a circus like no other. A twisted circus some might say. Include a handful of peculiar performances and then add eight divine restaurants to the mix for good measure. Cirque du Spiceal arrives at Spiceal Street, Bullring, this January.
Between 23rd – 28th January visitors to Birmingham’s new dining destination, Spiceal Street, will be able to experience a unique phenomenon – a twisted circus – whilst enjoying the city’s ultimate socialising hotspot.

Think gentleman chimps hosting an unusual tea party, killer clowns on the loose and spectacular fire performers, whilst a twisted ringmaster takes centre stage as Spiceal Street is transformed into the setting for Cirque du Spiceal. During the whole week diners at the eight restaurants at Spiceal Street – Browns Bar and Brasserie, ChaoBaby Thai Restaurant, handmade burger Co., Jamie’s Italian, Mount Fuji, Nando’s, Pizza Hut and wagamama – will be treated to an array of eccentric teaser performances before the grand finale on Saturday 28th January.

The ‘Caravan of Lost Souls’ will be unleashed on St Martin’s Square between 8pm – 10pm on Saturday 28th January with an array of twisted circus acts, including fire breathers, contortionists and a one man band, performing tricks and illusions.

Louise Hamer-Brown, Head of Marketing at Bullring, commented: “Spiceal Street is the city’s new social dining hotspot so we wanted to do something really special to welcome in the New Year and in true Bullring tradition something that is completely unexpected. Cirque du Spiceal will offer shoppers and diners a completely unique experience and a programme of atmospheric night time entertainment right in the heart of the city.”

Cirque du Spiceal is hosted in conjunction with Kerrang! Radio. To find out more about Cirque du Spiceal and how you can book a table in at the restaurants during the event please visit www.browsebullring.co.uk/cirqueduspiceal.

Birmingham Band Turn off the Sun to support Funeral For A Friend, 17 December 2011

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:51:00 +0000

Turn off the Sun are proud to announce that they are to share the stage with internationally renowned rock band Funeral For A Friend.

Funeral for a Friend are a Welsh
post-hardcore band, from Bridgend. Formed in 2001, they have released five studio albums, seven EPs, sixteen singles, one DVD, and one compilation album.

The show is to be held on the 17th of December 2011 at the Stourbridge Academy, a new 700 capacity venue in a West Midlands town well-known for its connections to rock history.

The Facebook event for the show can be found by clicking HERE

Tickets are available online at www.stourbridgeacademy.fatsoma.com.

Guitarist Wanted for Birmingham band Turn Off The Sun

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 17:16:00 +0000

Below are two new videos from Turn Off The Sun for your delectation. Both videos were shot by our good friends at Future As Technology Tells Film (FATTfilm.co.uk).

The first is a quick edit of the EP launch night for those of you that missed out on an excellent night. The song is Cardiac from ‘Armor Plated Tongue’ (download for free at facebook.com/turnoffthesun).

The second is a short insight to the band and the making of the latest EP.

It's with regret that the band announces that our guitarist, Ed, is leaving the band at the end of October. Ed had been an important part of the band since we started and we're gutted but respect his decision. If you or anyone you know might be interested in joining us, please contact us directly at turnoffthesun@hotmail.co.uk or see the band ad at http://www.joinmyband.co.uk/classifieds/guitarist-wanted-for-established-alternative-band-t263580.html

The quest for a new guitarist begins! xx

Birmingham Band Turn off the Sun Release New EP ‘Armour Plated Tongue’

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 19:48:00 +0000

Apologies, guys, for the radio silence, but August has been a crazy-busy month for Turn Off The Sun.

The first week of the month was spent at the legendary The Lodge Studios in Northampton recording our forthcoming EP 'Armour Plated Tongue'. You can download the single ‘Let The Right One In’ for free from our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/turnoffthesun (and don't forget to 'like' us!!). The EP is set to be launched on 5th September 2011 and it will be available for free download from the Turn off the Sun Facebook site after that date. Free copies of the CD will be available at the launch party taking place on the 7th September at The Rainbow venue in Birmingham, supporting hotly-tipped London band Turbogeist who are fronted by Mick Jagger's son Jimmy.

We poured our heart and soul into the latest EP and we really hope you enjoy it. It’s difficult to encapsulate our on-stage energy in a static recording, but I think that we - with the help of the fantastic engineers at The Lodge - have pulled it off big-time. If you enjoy 'Armour Plated Tongue' then why not catch us at a gig for the live, full-on Turn Off The Sun experience!

Our friends at FATTfilm came along to the recording of the EP and they are currently in the process of putting together a short film documenting our time in the studio. Here is a short trailer to give you a taste of the finished product...

Details of forthcoming Turn Off The Sun gigs can be found on the band website at http://turnoffthesunband.tumblr.com, on our Facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/turnoffthesun or you can follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/turnoffthesun1.

Chez Lloyd: For the Food and Wine Lover Extraordinaire

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 08:58:00 +0000

If you are an avid foodie or wine lover then please check out this new blog written by Lloyd Petersen, my very good friend, fervent oenophile and proprietor of Chez Lloyd.

Lloyd will be documenting his travels around the country eating and drinking at various restaurants in the UK (and I expect far beyond) and offering comments and insights from his vast knowledge of fine dining and the world of wine.

The blog compliments a series of services offered at Chez Lloyd. Lloyd holds the Advanced Certificate from the Wine & Spirit Educational Trust (WSET) and the website offers a range of wine tasting packages to suit all needs.

You can also follow Chez Lloyd on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Chez_Lloyd

Enjoy!

Stella Artois Black presents ‘The Black Diamond'

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 17:04:00 +0000

2 lovers. 1 diamond. A thief. A curse. A classic film noir movie coming straight from late night Paris in the 1960s.

And you. You are the spectator, but also the actor. Only you will discover the secrets of The Black Diamond.

Set to be this summer’s must-attend event, Stella Artois Black’s latest immersive theatre experience builds on the success of last year’s The Night Chauffeur. Filled with alluring characters and one-to-one interactions, The Black Diamond will place audience members at the centre of the performance, involving them in a sophisticated tale of love, desire and deception.

Commissioned by Stella Artois Black and drawing on the creative expertise of acclaimed immersive theatre producer Felix Barrett, The Black Diamond is a dramatic mix of online experiences and real-life cinema in locations across Shoreditch.

The Black Diamond will run from 3rd – 21st July, offering just a few thousand lucky invitees the chance to be part of this unique immersive theatre experience. The story will develop simultaneously online, giving a new depth to the production and offering an additional interactive perspective for the audience, whether they’ve attended the experience or not.

James Watson, Marketing Director, Stella Artois Western Europe said: “The sophisticated world of The Black Diamond will deliver an experience rich with taste and refinement, reflecting the distinguishing attributes of Stella Artois Black. Whether people attend the events in London or take part in the story online they will discover a unique experience unlike anything they’ve tried before.”

Drawing on 600 years of brewing heritage, this blonde premium pils lager is crafted exclusively in Leuven, Belgium and imported to the UK. Joining the Stella Artois brewers’ respected range of quality beer, Stella Artois Black is matured for longer for a rounded, full-bodied flavour and a refreshing aftertaste at 4.9% abv.

To apply for tickets and to experience The Black Diamond online go to www.stellaartoisblack.com. The Black Diamond is open to over 18’s only.

Birmingham Charity Seeks Help For Charity Event, 9 October, Cannon Hill Park

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 11:24:00 +0000

A friend of mine, Shelley, is a social care worker based in a Birmingham community care home supporting people with learning difficulties and she is helping to organise a charity event that will be held at Cannon Hill Park in Birmingham on the 9th October 2011. Shelley is hoping to raise enough donations from this event to fund a sensory room based at the care home in which she works, but she is also hoping to raise enough to provide help across all the services that Trident Reach offers.

Trident Reach: The Peoples Charity is a Midlands based charity that provides support to many individuals in a variety of areas of care such as learning disabilities, the elderly, homeless, young offenders, domestic violence support and lots more. The charity maintains the services that it offers by raising funds for equipment, transport, sensory rooms, sensory items and other resources that are necessary in order to keep achieving its goals and providing support for all the people that it helps within the community.

The event at Cannon Hill Park on 9 October will include a sponsored walk, auctions, raffles, stalls, fun outdoor games and live music. My friend tells me that although people have kindly come forward to give their time and help with organising the event, the charity is desperately seeking companies and business who are willing to sponsor the event or able to donate items for auction, raffle or competition prizes or goody bags (i.e. stationery, badges, hats with your company logo on etc).

Shelley tells me: ‘We are a charity organisation and would appreciate any help that you can give us. If you could donate anything towards the event and/or provide any help to this worthy charity it would be appreciated immensely by both myself and the individuals we help and support. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I hope we can count on your support ‘

This is hands-on, grass-roots charity work at its best and this event will make a real difference to local people in need of these services and their friends, families and carers. I know first-hand that Shelley is passionately committed to her care work so I can’t express enough how much I hope this event is massively successful for everyone involved. Please please, if you think you can help, write to me at this address (click here) and I will put you in touch with Shelley and her team.

Thank you xxx

http://www.reachthecharity.org.uk/

The Microsoft virus/computer hoax and how to have fun with malicious phone calls

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 15 May 2011 11:52:00 +0000

I've been receiving phone calls from scammers claiming to be calling from Microsoft on a daily basis now. The caller tells me that I have a problem with my computer (a virus, malicious software or the computer is simply performing too slowly) and I need to follow his/her instructions in order to fix the computer. If an unsuspecting recipient of such a call follows these directions will find that they have, at the very least, downloaded a virus onto their computer or given the caller immediate access to the information on their hard drive, as this article in the Guardian explains:

‘The puzzled owner is then directed to their computer, and asked to open a program called "Windows Event Viewer". Its contents are, to the average user, worrying: they look like a long list of errors, some labelled "critical". "Yes, that's it," says the caller. "Now let me guide you through the steps to fixing it."

The computer owner is directed to a website and told to download a program that hands over remote control of the computer, and the caller "installs" various "fixes" for the problem. And then it's time to pay a fee: £185 for a "subscription" to the "preventative service".

The only catch: there was never anything wrong with the computer, the caller is not working for Microsoft or the internet service provider, and the owner has given a complete stranger access to every piece of data on their machine.’

Now most recipients of these calls will catch on that it’s a hoax straight away and put the phone down, but there are many computer users out there, particularly the elderly, who fall foul to these hoax calls and find themselves considerably out of pocket as a result. So the purpose of this post is two-fold: a) to spread the word that these calls are malicious, and b) to absolve any guilt that you may feel when you vent your weekly stress buildup at them. Occasionally I feel guilty when I’m short with the workers in call centres – yes cold calls are a pain, but if they’re doing the legitimate selling thing then it’s just annoying, not malicious. But these guys are different. They're not only trying to rip you off but they’re doing it right to your face. They may as well walk up to you in the street and try to mug you.

I believe that the illegal nature of these calls gives us the right to be as aggressive, abusive and offensive as humanly possible, but if you’re bored then you could try entertaining yourself with one of the responses below. See it as a game and have fun, please feel free to add your own…

Tell them you’re 15 years old

Keep repeating ‘hello?’ as though you cannot hear them

Ask them to wait while you fetch your husband, wife, partner or get a pen, then put the phone on the table for an hour or two

Tell them your troubles. Why do they think your ex sent you that text out of the blue?

Give the phone to your toddler

Tell them that the person they are calling for is dead

Speak another language (or gibberish)

Invent a religion and try to convert them

Tell them you’re suicidal and they need to talk you out of doing the worst

Alternatively, learn this script verbatim…

Biscuit Eating World Record Attempt - Turn Off The Sun

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Mon, 02 May 2011 10:41:00 +0000

I’ve heard a great deal about the blood, sweat and tears that Turn Off The Sun put into recording the Montesa EP at Montesa Audio studies in Spain last October (just before I joined them) and I believed them until I saw this video of Andy (vocals and bass) trying to break the world record for the amount of biscuits eaten in one minute. Hard work and toil my arse…

(Warning: Language and graphic biscuit abuse)

Thriller In The City: Birmingham Flashmob Gets Its Zombie On

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sat, 16 Apr 2011 16:41:00 +0000

A mass Thriller flashmob took place at 1pm this afternoon in Victoria Square in Birmingham city centre. The event was promoted via thrillerinthecity.com and instructional dance videos and free dance lessons were provided for members of the public wishing to take part.

Flashmob-wise the event was a big let-down, but maybe my expectations were too high having seen examples of other flashmobs posted on the Internet. I’m no expert, but rule one of a flashmob appears to be that the dancers should be spread out as far as possible and interspersed amongst the public. The public will move aside when they realise what is happening and the group can then make use of the maximum space available. In this case the dance began with a few people (some wearing bright red Thriller at the Hippodrome t-shirts, duh) dancing to a Michael Jackson mash-up and this attracted a large crowd which instantly killed the spontaneity of the flashmob and blocked most passers-by's view of the action. Consequently when the opening bars of Thiller fired up and the other dancers joined the group (NB special thanks to the music guy for being very helpful) the dance space was confined to a very small area and it was impossible to see anything from - what we thought was - a pretty good vantage point. I was balanced on a high wall right opposite and could barely make out the dancers (see my attempt to record the dance below). Shoppers were passing by seemingly unaware of and uninterested in the small group of people putting on a contained and far from spontaneous show in the corner of Victoria Square. So not much 'flash' going on. And not much of a 'mob' either...

Had I been unaware that the flashmob was taking place, I would have guessed that this was a group of kids from a local school who were putting on a show to entertain the Saturday shoppers. But I suppose that’s no bad thing. Although we didn’t see much of the dancing itself, it was a stroke of genius to involve the public in order to promote the Michael Jackson LIVE musical at the Birmingham Hippodrome in April. Everyone seemed to enjoy themselves, there were plenty of grinning faces around Birmingham afterwards and it’s *always* great to have a boogie to MJ on a warm, sunny afternoon…

Shamone muthafreaker!

Couldn't resist doing this (sorry...)

(Birmingham should have taken its cue from Stockholm. Now *this* is a flash mob....)

Tiger Blood, Charlie Sheen and How to Market a Meltdown

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 12:49:00 +0000

We all love a good public breakdown and Charlie Sheen’s recent antics have certainly stoked the fires of media frenzy with sound bites from his ‘The Today Show’ interview littering the internet, spoof vids appearing on Youtube and #winning #fastball and #tigerblood hashtags popping up all over Twitter. As always when a celeb ‘goes bad’, they quickly acquire a large following of fans that wait with baited breath for the next outrageous pronouncement from the person concerned (Sheen has outclassed his predecessors on this front with his Twitter account being the fasted ever to reach a million followers). On the whole we tend to get right behind these individuals because we love it when a big name says ‘f**k it’, flips the corporation the bird and walks out on the comforts of celebrity, becoming ‘one of us’ for a second and lounging about at home ranting about the big bosses.

But there’s something about Sheen’s rage that I’m not quite buying. While he’s slouched in front of a webcam blathering on about s**t (albeit entertaining s**t) at the same time he’s coherently planning world domination via the Internet. Links on his Twitter page lead to a site recruiting interns instructed to keep his social media profile ticking over and attract more followers and his website has an online shop selling t-shirts with slogans taken from the ‘Today Show’ interview.

That doesn’t sound like a man on the edge. That sounds like a man who knows exactly what he’s doing.

Oh Charlie, I’m disappointed. I expected you to rip the ass out of Hollywood but that’s not tiger blood pumping through your veins, it’s good old-fashioned fame-hungry, corporate American greed at its worst. You would have made the perfect ‘f**k em all’ anti-establishment poster boy if these sentiments were real but you’re really about as rock ‘n’ roll as a middle-aged suit with a wife called Bunty who sells insurance at weekends. Either man up, sack the interns, unplug yourself from the media cashcow that you’ve created and commit to leading an anti-industry troll rebellion or stop this half-assed charade, get clean, apologise to everyone concerned, sign the deals and get back to your sitcoms pronto…

Turn Off The Sun: Walking Wounded Official Video

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 19:45:00 +0000

It’s finally here! *drum roll*

Ladies and Gentlemen, Turn Off The Sun are proud to present the highly anticipated music video for ‘Walking Wounded’.

As explained in my previous post The Making of Walking Wounded, the filming took place at the world famous Winspers Kickboxing Gym with the help of kickboxing champions Matt and James Winsper and was shot by filmmaker Craig Martin.

Our thanks to everyone involved with the making of the video and we hope that you enjoy watching it! Further information about the video and Turn Off the Sun (plus a free download of Walking Wounded and other tracks) can be found on the band website here.

The Problem with Modern Comedy: or The Day The Laughter Died

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 12:31:00 +0000

Red Nose Day is just around the corner and I’m braced for an evening of distress and upset. No, my sadness has nothing to do with the unrelenting scenes of starving children in third world countries or disadvantaged youngsters in the UK. I’ll be breaking out the tissues because the best comics will be paraded on our screens all evening and, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, British comedy just isn’t the big, furry ball of fun that it used to be.

Comedians aren’t concerned with cracking gags and making people laugh anymore, they’re concerned with appeasing the masses, siding with the majority and sneering at political parties or hate figures in a very middle-class, superior, Oxbridge kind of way. It’s all fake intellectualism and social commentary. Comedy should be an invaluable form of escapism, especially in today’s social and economic clime. I want to go and see a comedian, pay my ticket money, have a laugh and forget how shitty life is. Instead I’m paying to be lectured and preached at.

Take Charlie Brooker, for example. Charlie contributes to modern comedy is little more than a live-action Beavis and Butthead-esque commentary on popular culture. Any student across the county can do the same in front of his own TV in his own front room (and I suspect that many of them can do it in a less self-righteous ‘I’m speaking the mind of the populace, honest’ annoying kind of way). Just count how many times he criticises popular hate figures in some kind of desperate attempt to win the puppy-love of his audience. What happened to the rebellious comedians who would shock audiences by bucking the norm and being outrageous and un-PC? Even so-called ‘offensive’ comics like Frankie Boyle tap into the common viewpoint of their audiences for laughs and they have a slightly superior tone which makes them sound painfully self-righteousness.

So why are new comics so eager to show allegiance with majority opinion? Perhaps it’s all to do with popularity and getting the public on-side (after all, those live DVDs aren’t going to sell themselves) or maybe comedians are too afraid to be un-PC in case there is a backlash, ala the recent Top Gear Mexican incident, and they find themselves accused of racism/sexism/homophobia and losing their credibility and fan-base - in which case thanks a lot, neo-Victorian Britain, for squeezing every last drop of freedom of speech and consequently humorous banter out of comedy. I tell you what, let’s just ban TV altogether and gather around the piano for a sing-song in the evenings instead shall we? Or does that offend a minority? Overworked pianists?

It really galls me to say it because I admire(d) them both, but Eddie Izzard and Russell Brand are both guilty of sacrificing laughs for self-importance and self-opinion. Both started out as ambitious, exciting new stand-ups but ambition has overtaken their humour and their desperation to crack America and appear in the latest Hollywood blockbuster is sucking every last drop of real comedy out of them. I can’t remember the last time either of them did anything remotely amusing. Are they even classed as comedians anymore? Russell Brand’s downfall as a comic will come in the form of his over-inflated ego (and I think he’s at peace with that), but Eddie’s downfall will be in his newly-found messianic status as a political commentator. The very second that his twitter feed fell suspiciously serious and political agendas started appearing I could feel the distance between him and his fans growing by the second. This is very dangerous game. The comedian who aligns him/herself against certain portions of society runs the risk of alienating themselves from fans who had previously been unaware of their strong views. Personal opinions are best kept of the stage, I feel.

British comics need to realise that they are not rock ‘n’ roll stars or culture pundits, they are jesters. There’s nothing shameful about standing on-stage with a mic and telling a silly joke. They need to stop desperately showcasing how well educated, knowledgeable and popular they are and start throwing custard pies at each other asap before society becomes entirely embittered and cynical and we forget how to laugh at ourselves and each other. And thank God there are some individuals who keep the flag of genuine comedy flying - I’m thinking of comedians not afraid to take a pie to the face and roll out the silly Christmas cracker gags such as Lee Mack, Harry Hill, Tim Vine and Peter Kay (I’m sure there are many more if I put my mind to it). Interestingly, although Jimmy Carr plays the superior, educated role for laughs, his on-stage humour is quite the opposite and he is one of the most popular comics in the UK as a result. Jimmy has achieved the perfect balance between silliness and offensiveness, without the mere whiff of self-indulgent intellectualism. In fact, I detect a slight piss-take of that type of comedian. While his humour is occasionally witty enough to shoot over the heads of his audience, he is also not afraid to dip down to the generic, Christmas cracker level humour. And his shows are completely devoid of preaching. Jimmy realises that he is a jester paid do a silly dance for the masses and he is more than happy to play along. And he’s reaping the rewards in ticket sales (long may it continue).

So here’s a suggestion to you budding comedians out there - maybe there’s a greater satisfaction in a belly-laugh than lighting your torch and leading your army of fans to the gates of the latest hate figure for a mutual tutting and finger wagging session. Try breaking from the (rapidly approaching) norm and saying something genuinely funny for once. Go on, gamble those guaranteed DVD pre-orders.

Turn Off The Sun: The Making of Walking Wounded

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 12:51:00 +0000

If you’re thinking that the blog has been quiet throughout January then let me reassure you that I’m still here! I’ve been buried away in a practice room for most of this month, fiddling with cables, knobs and buttons and trying to find the right sound for my first gig with Turn Off The Sun (the December gig was cancelled due to an apocalyptic amount of snow dumping itself on the venue overnight). It has been an eventful month – radio and newspaper interviews, our track Lay That Ghost To Rest is being prepped to be used on a promotional video for a leading mountain biking company, we set up a new website and our drummer Neil somehow managed to tip his car upside down when reversing at 10 MPH... *ahem*…

We also set about recording a music video for the track Walking Wounded at the world famous Winspers Kickboxing Gym with the help of kickboxing champions Matt and James Winsper who between them have won an array of world titles. The music video, shot by filmmaker Craig Martin, is still at the editing stage and the final version will no doubt be posted here soon, but in the meantime check out this 'making of' film made by Ben Hyett.

PS I don’t intend to harp on about the band all the time, but please indulge me this time. And if you haven’t heard a Birmingham accent before, brace yourself….

The Pitfalls of Celebrity Twitter

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 13:39:00 +0000

Yesterday lunchtime I was munching a sandwich and trawling through my Twitter timeline when I spotted a comment that made me smile and prompted me to hit the reply button. The reply was, I thought, an inoffensive quotation from Oscar Wilde that was slightly sarcastic but, given that the author of the original tweet was a comedy actor and writer, I hoped would make the recipient smile in the same way. But how wrong could I be. A swift counter-reply came with a hint of sarcasm in which I detected that I had somehow offended the tweeter. So, priding myself on being a generally inoffensive kind of gal and having never written a tweet in anger or to intentionally offend, I was quick to respond with two tweets indicating that I had intended my reply to be sarcastic, complimenting the tweeter and attempting a very weak joke. Then came another reply in which it became apparent that I had caused deep offence and – worst of all – it wasn’t a straight ‘f**k off and die’ kind of reply (which would have prompted exactly the same response) but a sad, reflective kind of comment that made me feel horrifically guilty, as though I had drop-kicked a puppy across a field.

The incident made me realise two things about Twitter, particularly celebrities on Twitter. First, Twitter messages are subject to the same dangers of misinterpretation that text messages are wont to suffer. Who hasn’t sent a text message that sounds all tinkly bells and giggles when you type it, only to discover later – when face-to-face with the recipient - that they are convinced that you have fallen out with them, or even worse, that you’re about to hunt them down and viciously beat them? Second, there are two types of celebrities on Twitter. The first is the genuinely pleasant individual who finds him or herself unnecessarily bombarded with crap from hecklers 24/7. How many tweeters out there spent hours trolling twitter with the sole purpose of sending offensive messages to celebrities just to upset their day? And how do these celebs cope – how does anyone cope – with a shedload of criticism dropping into their inbox each time they fire up Twitter? Stephen Fry, for example, is inclined to quit Twitter and reappear at random times. And who can blame him? He has millions of followers and I’m pretty sure that not all of them are nice-as-pie internet users who send complimentary and amusing observations about his travels in Africa. He must get more trolls than anyone. Matt Lucas handled an offensive tweeter very well earlier this week. When confronted with a tweet criticising a recent project, Matt ‘accidently’ retweeted the offending tweet to his followers, thereby opening the comment up for discussion. Touché, Mr. Lucas! I would be inclined to do exactly the same!

I have, however, noticed that there is a second type of celebrity on Twitter that has a much lower tolerance level for any whisker of disapproving sentiment. There are certain celebrities on Twitter who seem to be entirely incapable of accepting criticism in any form. These incidents do not usually come to my attention unless an argument kicks off between two individuals in my timeline (and I’m not on Twitter very often at all) but once in a while it becomes apparent to everyone that a tantrum is being thrown. It appears that some individuals have their twitter feed mainlined straight to their ego and bask gloriously in praise from their fans, only to spectacularly throw their toys out of the pram the very second that someone asks a question, raises a difficult issue or suggests some kind of improvement to a project or their modesty. From what I can tell there are very few celebrities who suffer from this kind of ‘Twitter ego massaging’, but they are out there. And in these cases I relax my sympathies. They deserve the reality check.

To make matters worse in my particular case, I hear that the tweeter I replied to yesterday is now threatening to quit Twitter. How much more terrible do I feel now?! I realise that I am not the cause of this and the individual must regularly receive a number of offending tweets that have led to this decision, but I can’t help but feel (unintentionally) partly responsible. While it is difficult to determine whether the individual in question belongs to the ‘genuine nice guy/girl’ or ‘ego massaging’ breed of tweeters, I have apologised profusely because I realise that I am to blame and I hold the individual in high esteem and adore their work – which was exactly why I was following their tweets in the first place! I can only hope that this show of contrition convinces them that it was an ill-judged joke and I’m not a random cretin hell-bent on sending deeply offensive comments every hour of the day and night.

So take my advice and think twice before tweeting someone in the public eye. If they are of the ego massaging variety then fire away - you are entitled to your opinion and no twitterer should be shielded from criticism, as long as it is an honest sentiment and not deliberately engineered to cause offence. But bear in mind the genuine, Fry-eque characters on Twitter. Not only can inadvertently offending these people lead to crushing guilt of magnificent proportions, but if these individuals in particular become offended, disillusioned and leave, then the Twitterverse is going to become a very boring place…

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

noreply@blogger.com (Helen) — Fri, 24 Dec 2010 07:59:00 +0000

Happy Christmas one and all! I hope you are warm and well and sat beneath the Christmas tree busily wrapping presents in readiness for the big day. Who am I kidding? You’re either fast asleep in bed with the flu, desperately running around the shops in sub-zero temperatures trying to find that last elusive present or rowing with your partner about whether it’s acceptable to boot Auntie Vera out of your house on Boxing Day.

Well, whatever you’re doing, I wish you all a very happy Christmas (‘Happy Christmas’, that is. The next person to wish me ‘Happy Holidays’ gets a punch in the mouth. There’s something warm and welcoming about ‘Happy Christmas’ – or, even better, ‘Merry Christmas’ – that shouldn’t be vac-packed and sanitised. But back to the jovial, seasonal spirit….)

The last two weeks have been chaotic, to say the least. I fell foul of the flu for a week or so and then the snow apocalypse arrived, cutting me off from civilisation for quite some time. Thank God for broadband, that’s all I can say. The heavy snow fell on the morning of my first gig with Turn Off The Sun and the gig was cancelled, so I’m still waiting to make my debut appearance on stage with them. Further proof that God hates good music…

I thought that I would share a piece of advice with you this Christmas-time, simply because you never know when the hordes of the undead might strike and I would hate to see your festive plans ruined by an animated corpse with designs on your Christmas tree. Keep safe everyone, have a great day and keep that shotgun handy.