The Ferm

Aimless Chef: Houston's Ultimate Top 3 - Pizza

2012-04-18T06:28:00.000-05:00

Ranked listicles are to the blogosphere as SirRon is to Eating Our Words. (Second most "liked." Who would have guessed?) We looove lists here at The Ferm. We also eat pizza. You see what we're getting at?

To keep you away from that dreadful hot dog stuffed crust thing from Pizza Hut (j/k PH. Call me, boo), we proudly present to you...

Houston's Ultimate Top 3 - Pizza

If there is anything more widely debated than how to solve our nation’s health care problem, it is where to find the best pizza pie. How funny because -- well, we don’t want to spoil the fat joke by giving you the punch line. If we told you once, we told you in a tweet and in our last Top 3 listicle; Grimaldi’s in Sugar Land serves up the best pies in the Houston metro area. Despite being but a suburban franchised copy of the real Grimaldi’s (located under the Brooklyn Bridge), during your visit you will most likely forget you have those three kids, two dogs, and that Chinese dwarf hamster when you get a mouthful of sausage and roasted red pepper pie. But more seriously, if we didn’t have such a drinking problem, we’d only need one place on this list. Luckily, La Vista makes a great, relatively inexpensive pizza AND they are BYO. I’m just saying, when we B our O, we B the good stuff. Sometimes we stay at the "office" a "little late" though, and it is those days that we are glad someone invented fourth meal. Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizza not only represents the only remnant of the glorious Taco Light shells, but they also probably started the fusion cuisine movement. Wikipedia will probably confirm.

As always, comments are appreciated. Ladies, please use my soft taco recipe post to leave your digits. Live Más.

EDITOR’S NOTE: WE AREN’T SURE VAUGHN IS TAKING HIS FOOD WRITING ASSIGNMENTS FOR THE BLOG SERIOUSLY. FOURTH MEAL!? WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME GANG AT THE FERM, SO last but not least, we can’t leave these joints out – we know three at least, we need to point out – we’re not trying to tell you what to do – but we care what you eat is not poo poo – first off, Bombay’s pie, my oh my, is can’t miss – the cilantro-mint chutney will grant bliss – (“oh I just can’t bear the smell of curry!”) – get your picky self to Pizaro’s, hurry – it’s BYO, and so is our last – this one you can eat on your grass – Totino’s, we keep a stock in our Subzero – take notes and you’ll be indeed...... a pizza hero. /mic drop

2012 ‘The Ferm’ Anything Mock Draught - Announcement

2012-04-14T15:03:00.000-05:00

It's that time again, for the first time in two years, contributors to "The Ferm" and selected guests will participate in the "Anything" Mock Draught. The traditional timing of the draft is to coincide with the NFL draft, since sports fans this time of year are inundated with 40 times, Wonderlic scores, vertical leaps, and draft day trade possibilities. Well the same can be said for the anything mock draft, we've seen participants trade up, I guarantee you our panel of "experts" has been feverishly scouting everything for 24 months now.

A note on why there wasn't a 2011 "Anything" Mock Draught. It was with heavy hearts that the decision was made that there was no way the spirit of the draught could be upheld in light of the NFL lockout. So with unanimous consent, we stood arm in arm with the NFL Players Union and joined the fight for their right to buy sports cars, mansions, and go clubbing with heat without worrying about their bank accounts.

For our draft, we do our best to stay within our wheelhouse (that being the drinking universe) and to make it fun. The list of rules is small.

The draft consists of three rounds (format is top to bottom, top to bottom -- not snake).
The pick (or description) must be drinking related in some way.
Picks from previous drafts are off the board.

We are not an exclusive "league." Guest drafters are encouraged. Anyone wanting a pick can leave a comment on this post, drop us an email, or tweet at us and you'll be slotted in the draft. Over the next few days we will start an open thread, which will be used for announcements and comments on the current and previous draft.

As a kickoff to this years draught, I thought it appropriate to analyze the first two years draughts now that there's been opportunity for emotion to be removed, and real value assessed. Specifically, we're going to look at each participants ability to fill the positions of food, beer, wine, spirits, and lagniappe (what extra things do your picks bring). Analysis will also be done on the cohesiveness of the team (how elements can be combined).

And special guest Dr. Drew Pinsky will provide a psychoanalysis of each draughter in light of what their selection reveal about them.

Please use the following references if you want to see more specifics of the previous two draughts:

2009 Inaugural Anything Mock Draught

2010 Anything Mock Draught Round 1 Open Thread

2010 Anything Mock Draught Round 2 Open Thread

2010 Anything Mock Draught Round 3 Open Thread

So without further ado, in no particular order whatsoever:

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Draughter: Two Pints (@pig1ett2000)

Best Pick: Belgium (huge country that continues to deliver)

Worst Pick: Mini-cocktail umbrellas (all flash, no substance)

Sleeper Pick: Dallas (TV Series): Seriously good show, underrated

Food: B (Belgian Waffles, Dallas BBQ)

Beer: A (Belgian beer, Randall the Enamel Animal)

Wine: F (No real effort made here)

Spirits: C (Aforementioned umbrellas about it)

Lagniappe: B (That Sam Calagione is handsome)

Cohesiveness: B, Two Pints can elope with Sam to Belgium, spend a little time in the water while drinking either the Belgian beer or cocktails with umbrellas (4 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: Two Pints has an affinity for travel and appreciates good quality beer and good quality TV. A girl who knows what she wants and how to get it. Like how to get Sam. By drafting him.

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Draughter: Mr. Smokeypants

Best Pick: Happy Hour (solid staple of all things The Ferm)

Worst Pick: Shenanigans (just hasn't been enough lately)

Sleeper Pick: Foam in the Dome (the memories just get better and better for that place)

Food: B (Norris family can cook, happy hour has good food also)

Beer: B (Foam in the Dome, Mos Eisley Cantina, and Happy Hour)

Wine: D (Weak here, but you can get at Happy Hour)

Spirits: A (He drafted Whiskey, well done)

Lagniappe: B (Mos Eisley Cantina excels here)

Cohesiveness: A, Mr. Smokeypants stops by Mos Eisley Cantina at Happy Hour for some whiskey before heading to the Dome for some Foam (meeting the Norris Family there) after which, there will be shenanigans (6 for 6)

Dr. Drew Says: Mr. Smokeypants clearly likes to live life on the wild side, by acquiring Mos Eisley Cantina, drinking whiskey, and inducing Shenanigans. Luckily he has the Norris family to keep him straight (or find him at the end of the day to make sure he gets home).

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Draughter: K Dub (@K_Dub_02)

Best Pick: Belgo-American Style Beers (Outstanding quality and performance)

Worst Pick: Burping (It kinda just happens, no need to draught)

Sleeper Pick: SAVOR (Completely underrated event)

Food: B (SAVOR carries the day here)

Beer: A (Beers, a Brewing Company, Yeast, and Burping)

Wine: F (Again, not much effort for this category)

Spirits: B (Michael Jackson really bumps it up here)

Lagniappe: C (Another bump from MJ with his character, but the rest of the picks lack spice)

Cohesiveness: B, K Dub heads to Savor for some Belgo-American Style Beers as well as some from Upright Brewing Company, where yeast is prevalent among the products (4 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: This man knows his good beer and he knows that yeast is the foundation. A connoisseur of what he likes, having read the works of Michael Jackson, attended SAVOR etc. The burping keeps him real.

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Draughter: Leslie (@LesNor11)

Best Pick: Tailgating (Everyone at The Ferm had their eye on this)

Worst Pick: Lone Star Puzzle Caps (kinda blah performance)

Sleeper Pick: Gary Vaynerchuk (solid pick to dominate the wine category)

Food: B (Tailgating food is some of the best on earth)

Beer: B (Lone Star beer and tailgating, again solid)

Wine: A (Grabbed Gary Vaynerchuk to be strong in this category)

Spirits: C (Some spirits at tailgating, but that's about it)

Lagniappe: B (The puzzle caps are a good booster here)

Cohesiveness: B, Leslie heads to a tailgate where they watch Gary Vaynerchuk and pops her Lone Star long necks for the puzzles (3 for 3, Leslie passed her picks on the second draft).

Dr. Drew Says: Leslie's affinity to take Gary Vaynerchuk first speaks a lot to her oenophiliatic tendency while her love of the puzzle caps shows her playful, fun side. Seems like she'd be a great guest at any party, particularly tailgates.

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Draughter: J.R. Ewing (@longhorndave)

Best Pick: Oktoberfest (Worldwide popular event that was sure to be snapped up quickly)

Worst Pick: Body Shots (those girls in the photo left when the booze ran out)

Sleeper Pick: Tedeschi Vineyards (the real estate alone is worth this pick)

Food: C (Some brats at Oktoberfest is about it)

Beer: A (Got a brewery, the Fox, and Oktoberfest)

Wine: A (Drafted a winery, the only taken)

Spirits: B (Body shots addresses this category, but could be stronger)

Lagniappe: A (Body shot girls and the Fox add value here)

Cohesiveness: C, Two factions of a team, either Ewing goes to Maui to visit Tedeschi Vineyards with the Body Shot girls during Oktober or hangs out with Hank Hill in his Alley drinking St. Arnold with the Fox (3 of 6).

Dr. Drew Says: Ewing can't decide which direction he wants to go, either hang out with younger girls doing shots, or older guys drinking beer (in the Fox's case, very very fast). He's still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up.

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Draughter: SirRon (@sirrong)

Best Pick: Rob and Amy Cartwright (Delivering on quality and quantity)

Worst Pick: B Vitamins (a reach with a #2 pick)

Sleeper Pick: Food Pairings (huge upside, this niche is growing)

Food: A (Food pairings and a Kitchen Stadium = home run)

Beer: A (Got the Cartwrights, More Beer, and Charlie Papazian, another winning combo).

Wine: F (Like many other participants, no real effort here)

Spirits: C (Drinking game included as well as B Vitamins)

Lagniappe: B (Kitchen Stadium carries this, as does some creativity of picks)

Cohesiveness: B, SirRon uses equipment from MoreBeer and Charlie Papazian's tips to brew some beer with Rob and Amy that pairs well with food. By the end of the day, B Vitamins prevent a hangover from the affair (5 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: SirRon really likes brewing and food, as his picks reflect. Seems like he's the kind of guy everyone wants to know, you'll eat well and drink well and not have a hangover!

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Draughter: Other (DosBeerigos, Alexander, Crawford and Dr. Analytics)

Best Pick: American Craft Beer Week (huge event that continues to perform)

Worst Pick: Nick Nolte's Mug Shot (performance is waning)

Sleeper Pick: Meritage (big upside on the California wine front)

Food: A (Taco Bell and Kolache Factory. Enough Said)

Beer: A (ACBW and a Brewing Company, another big score)

Wine: A (Meritage a solid performer here)

Spirits: C (Maybe Nick Nolte had some before that mug shot)

Lagniappe: C (The mugshot adds here, but overall blah)

Cohesiveness: B, During ACBW, surely some Cigar City is drank, with a late night trip to Taco Bell, and Kolache's in the morning (4 of 6)

Dr. Drew Says: These picks seem to be all over the place, probably because four people contributed. But it comes together nicely to represent what Americans love...beer, fast food, and Kolaches.

Iowa - United States of Beer Project

2012-04-10T18:20:00.002-05:00

#29 Iowa

Admission to Statehood: December 28, 1846
Population: ~3.1M (30/50)
Capital: Des Moines
Largest City: Des Moines
State Dance:Iowa does not have a state dance! Squares.
Well Known For: Corn, John Wayne, The Bridges of Madison County, Field of Dreams, and being the only state name that starts with two vowels

Brewery Representative: Millstream Brewing Company (Amana, Iowa)
USBP Score: 174

Established: 1985
Flagship Beer: Schild Brau
Comments: One of the joys of assembling brewery representatives for each of the fifty states is running across award winning beers of which I have no familiarity. Millstream is one of these breweries. Founded in 1985 by locals, this brewery is now owned by three employees who purchased it in 2001. Cool. Millstream’s most decorated beer and one of the brewery’s original offerings, Schild Brau, consistently medals at the Great American Beer Festival and the North American Brewers Association competitions. That's pretty good. In 2010, Schild Brau Amber earned a gold medal at the World Beer Cup in the Vienna-Style Lager category. That is really good. But does anyone know if Schild Brau translates to “Shield Beer”?

If learning a brewery’s story is one of the joys of this USBP, then it is filling the blank space underneath the USBP score that puts this series in the doldrums. To counteract, let’s talk about something brilliant -- like beer can chicken! The first rule of beer can chicken is to get a roaster with a stainless steel canister. This type of roaster will allow for unbounded options to shove up that bird’s hole. Next you'll need to choose a beer to go up there. A Vienna Lager -- like say -- a Schild Brau would be a solid selection. A word to the wise, as a general rule I would stay away from hoppy beers. When cooked, that hoppy bitterness becomes even more concentrated and intense. Save IPAs for drinking while you cook. Now that you've taken care of the basics of beer can chicken, you'll need some direction on how to prep and cook the bird. I recommend checking out Billy Broas’ blog (billybrew.com) for a great post on beer can chicken. There you'll find basic directions and an adaptation of a recipe from Guy Fieri.... And you can drive that bus to Flavor Town, baby!

Runner Up: Court Avenue Brewing Co (154)

CATCH UP WITH OUR OTHER SELECTIONS FOR STATE BREWERY REPRESENTATIVE ON THE USBP PAGE.

I live in Texas dammit

2012-04-02T20:10:00.000-05:00

So I'm reheating an oh so good leftover steak fajita enchilada (with a few spoonfuls of refried beans and guacamole on the side) and life is good. Good, until that is, when I go to make a small bowl of chips and salsa. Chips...check. Salsa in fridge...almost out, that's okay just go the pantry. Wait, where's the next jar of salsa. Seriously, it's gotta be here. It's salsa. And I live in Texas, dammit.

No salsa. Not behind the pasta sauce, not behind the soup, not behind the cereal, not behind whatever those flys are swarming around. Screwed.

Has anyone seen me???

What happened. I briefly considered that one of the following scenarios:
1) Wife hid salsa as a prank. Viable b/c she was frustrated at nearly running out of syrup for her frozen waffles (note, I am the pantry stock manager).
2) Someone broke into my house and stole the jar of salsa (but nothing else).
3) Zombies

Another viable solution is that the last time I moved salsa from the pantry to the fridge, I somehow convinced myself that it was too soon to buy more salsa and I should wait. This is dismissed as salsa does not last that long.

Some sort of failed ops plan at the grocery store is a more likely scenario. It was on the list and missed? My handwriting is bad. One time I came home with Cheer detergent instead of cheese. I remember thinking "I've never bought Cheer before, but it's on the list, so I must have been thinking I need it" (in the cart it goes).

Then I think, I live in Texas dammit, maybe there are "salsa trucks" that drive the neighborhoods for just this situation. After waiting a few minutes, this doesn't seem to be the case. However, the light bulb goes on. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE DO THIS!!!!!

So here's the business model, you can take it and run with it, but it can't miss. Salsa/Tortilla truck. Drive the neighborhoods with a full stock of salsa and fresh tortillas. Seriously, we have stopped into Taco Cabana before just to buy tortillas. Usually when HEB runs out (or the machine is broke, like last week). This is opportunity knocking.

I realize that Taco trucks are on the path of this, but they usually aren't mobile. At least down my street.

Book it, the future of Texas cuisine. Salsa/Tortilla trucks. You've been told! I live in Texas Dammit!

Wisconsin - United States of Beer Project

2012-03-20T12:55:00.001-05:00

#30 Wisconsin

Admission to Statehood: May 29, 1848
Population: ~5.7M
Capital: Madison
Largest City: Milwaukee
State Dance: POLKA!
Well Known For: Dairy, cheese, those cheese wedge hats, cheese curds, Oscar Mayer, Happy Days, and beer drinking

Brewery Representative: ~~Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Co~~ Miller Brewing Company (Milwaukee, Wisconsin)
USBP Score: 221

Established: 1855
Flagship Beer: Miller Lite
Comments: NEWSFLASH: Miller Brewing Company is the The Ferm's USBP State Representative for Wisconsin! Shocked? Awed? Shockawed? Here is the deal, Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company actually scored higher using my formula, but after creating the requisite graphics and preparing this write-up, I noticed that Leinenkugel's was purchased by Miller Brewing Company in 1988. While Leinies are a somewhat respectable macrobrew, common sense suggests to award Wisconsin to Miller -- who finished 3rd in USBP scoring on its own.

"Sorry, Leinenkugel, but [Miller is] arguably Wisconsin's biggest invention to date." - Shilcutt

What more should I offer on Miller? You probably know Miller Brewing Company is owned by the UK based SABMiller. However, did you know Miller had been owned by Philip Morris, had been seen an attempt of purchase from PepsiCo, and that the so-called Plank-Road Brewery was real and actually where Frederick Miller founded the brewery in 1855? If I told you that the original brewery included man made caves where Miller's beer was stored before the advent of commercially viable mechanical refrigeration, would that be something you would be interested in?

I know, these days it is all about the marketing. Miller and Wisconsin. Riding in to the USBP Capitol on the Common Sense ticket:

Runner Up: Stevens Point Brewery (220)

CATCH UP WITH OUR OTHER SELECTIONS FOR STATE BREWERY REPRESENTATIVE ON THE USBP PAGE.

California - United States of Beer Project

2012-03-19T15:09:00.002-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: Alas, our dead readers, you are reading the last of the USBP retreads. California. Wisconsin is in the queue. I literally may or may not have an ironic selection for The Badger State.

#31 California

Admission to Statehood: September 9, 1850
Population: ~37.3M
Capital: Sacramento
Largest City: Los Angeles
State Dance: "West Coast Swing" (AND Square Dance)
Well Known For: Gold, mountain ranges, wine, freeway traffic, poplocking, Ronald Reagan, and Dr. Dre.

Brewery Representative: Anchor Brewing Company (San Francisco, California)
USBP Score: 232

Established: 1896
Flagship Beer: Anchor Steam
Comments: Anchor Steam was part of the foundation of my craft beer education. Prior to discovering it on my grocery shelf, I had probably been no more adventurous than Guinness, Corona, and Shiner Bock.

Anchor Brewing has survived earthquakes, fires, Prohibition, and the post-Prohibition wasteland ruled by light lagers from megabreweries. In 1965, Frederick Louis Maytag III (“Fritz”) bought the struggling brewery for a few thousand dollars. During the process of cleaning up, making improvements, and learning the brewing process himself, Fritz created an original American beer style, the modern California Common Beer. Fritz’s beer was a version of the historic “steam beers,” which are beers brewed with lager yeasts at warm temperatures (normally lager yeast is fermented between 48-55F).

Fritz Maytag -- also a viticulturist (York Creek Vineyards), Director of the Brewers Association, and Chairman of the Board of the Maytag Dairy Farms (Maytag Blue Cheese) -- is considered by most to be the father of modern microbreweries. The state of California is rich with worthy candidates for state brewery representative. I believe the USBP formula got it right here. While Fritz recently sold Anchor, the brewery still stands as not only an inspiration for many California brewing entrepreneurs, but also a landmark to brewers and beer drinkers across America.

Runner Up: Sierra Nevada Brewing Company (202)

CATCH UP WITH OUR OTHER SELECTIONS FOR STATE BREWERY REPRESENTATIVE ON THE USBP PAGE.

Minnesota - United States of Beer Project

2012-03-18T15:48:00.003-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: Another day, another recycled post. If you missed yesterday's update, I have been rebuilding the USBP rankings after I lost them after my computer drank a martini. Just as when a spouse dies and the other tends to die sooner than she would otherwise, my portable hard drive died less than a week later. I've moved and given the series its own page. You can easily access it now using the tabs at the top of the site.

I almost feel obligated to tell you what I'm eating or drinking in order to give this post a new car smell or something.

This beer pours a vivid golden blonde with a soft, pillowy head. Sexy lacing. Remarkable spicy aroma with maybe just a little old newsprint and pine detected. Excellent boozy palate, with a hint of baking soda and circus peanut. Creamy mouthfeel and bone dry finish. Score: 3.89/5.

No, not Minnesota's beer below... the one I'm drinking. At least that is something that I told you.

#32 Minnesota

Admission to Statehood: May 11, 1858
Population: ~5.3M
Capital: Saint Paul
Largest City: Minneapolis
State Dance: "Square Dance" (yessssssss)
Well Known For: Little House on the Prairie, Land O’ Lakes butter, The artist formerly and currently known as Prince, The Golden Girls, gophers, groundhogs, ducks, geese, caribou, bison

Brewery Representative: August Schell Brewing Company (New Ulm, Minnesota)
USBP Score: 224

Established: 1860
Flagship Beer: Original
Comments: Like our Colorado USBP Brewery representative Coors, August Schell Brewing Company was founded in the 1800s (before Prohibition). Like Coors, its flagship beer is named "Original." Unlike Coors, the brewery is still family-owned. In fact among family-owned breweries, Schell's (1860) is second in age only to Yuengling & Son (1829)

August Schell Brewing Company is the largest and oldest brewery in the state of Minnesota. Despite their respectable line of craft beers and seasonals, the Schells does not fit the Brewer’s Association’s definition of craft brewer (have an "all malt flagship beer" or have "at least 50% of its volume in either all malt beers or in beers which use adjuncts to enhance rather than lighten flavor").

With Minnesota's representative, we now have a pre-Prohibition, family owned brewery that makes both craft and traditional American lagers. Schell's holds the highest USBP score, making the brewery a very worthy candidate for President pro tempore.

Runner Up: Summit Brewing Company (182)

CATCH UP WITH OUR OTHER SELECTIONS FOR STATE BREWERY REPRESENTATIVE ON THE USBP PAGE.

Oregon - United States of Beer Project

2012-03-17T19:00:00.000-05:00

EDITOR'S NOTE: You may be aware that I lost my brewery ratings after losing my backup and primary hard drives within a week of each other. I went through all kinds of grief.

First I was in denial that they were gone. I took both drives apart, switched wires around, and hooked them up to other computers. Let me tell you, I learned a lot about hard drives and how fragile they are during this step. Ridiculously fragile.

But seriously, how can a man lose two hard drives in one week? It doesn't even make sense. What kind of moron breaks two hard drives! WHAT KIND OF MORON DOESN'T HAVE THREE HARD DRIVES!!

Desperate, I called a few super nerds I found on the Interwebs that were willing to charge me nearly $1000 to get my stuff back. One had a great Boston accent, but he sounded a little too "street" to trust with $1000 and my precious hard drives.

All of my documents, the documentation of both my children's lives, and the USBP were not worth $1000. Were they? No. No they couldn't be. Everything is gone. I feel like a blinking cursor on a blank screen.

But I won't let that get me down. I must rebuild, and I've begun by recalibrating the old USBP model! I've also given the USBP its own page on the site and a link on the top tabs for the site. Since Oregon was a calibration state for my original model, I'm getting back into the swing by rehashing some material. Hopefully you aren't disappointed. But seriously, how could you be all that disappointed in me? We hardly know each other. AND, maybe you don't even remember reading it the first time. Maybe you haven't read it before, and therefore it's new to you. Either way, I've never claimed to be a credible writer, sooo...

#33 Oregon

Admission to Statehood: February 14, 1859
Population: ~3.8M
Capital: Salem
Largest City: Portland
State Beverage: Milk
State Dance: Square Dance
Well Known For: Being that place you always died trying to get to during your Elementary computer lab, Nike, James Beard, Smart Growth, dungeness crabs, hippies.

Brewery Representative: Rogue Ales (Newport, Oregon)
USBP Score: 187

Established: 1988
Flagship Beer: Dead Guy Ale
Comments: We've been offline for a while due to a catastrophic hard drive failure. Most of the USBP scoring and selections had to be rebuilt. However, I found the transcript below in the hard drive wreckage.

[sitting in the Widmer Brothers tasting room]

Abigail: Hey guys! Isn't this Widmer Brothers Hefeweizen delicious?
Issac: No diggity!
Gideon: But aren’t the Widmer Brothers are corporate sellouts? Seriously, do you really believe that there were *really* two Widmer Brothers? I’m just saying.
Abigail: Uuuhhh. Hefe. Yyyummm!
Gideon: Listen up friends. Try taking a journey by ~~covered wagon~~ PT Cruiser across 150 miles from this land of penultimate urban planning, through rivers and forests, to a new brewery at the forefront of the craft beer revolution.
Samuel: *burp*
Gideon: TRY!!!
Abigail: Do we have enough money for such a journey?
Gideon: You bet. Sam is a banker. He's loaded. [checks Sam's wallet]. He's got like sixteen hundred dollars in there.
Abigail: And speaking of loaded, I’ve got a gun in my purse.
Issac: What?
Samuel: Whoows drvving?
Gideon: Bobbi-Xtina! Close out, we are hitting the road!

Miles traveled: 0.5 miles

[Not one minute into the journey]
Samuel needs to stop and make water.

Gideon: Doggoneit Sam. We'll stop up here at Matt's General Store. Anybody need anything?

Gideon filled the car up with gas.
Bobbi-Xtina got a few packs of Blue Ox Jerky, Airheads, Pizza flavored Combos, and several Code Red Mountain Dews.
Samuel picked up a "Keep Portland Beered" shirt.
Abigail came from the woods carrying a rabbit and a squirrel carcass.

Some Hippie: What is the gas mileage of that Cruiser, man?
Samuel: Whthh that trribal titoo mean, man?
Some Hippie: That grass is inadequate, man.

The group gets in the wagon.

Miles traveled: .07 miles

[Before crossing Willamette River]
Bobbi-Xtina gets a stomach ache.

Miles traveled: 10 miles

The PT Cruiser hits something.

Gideon: Everyone OK?
Samuel: Thereth two of evvything.

Miles traveled: 20 miles

Abigail: What are the symptoms of cholera?

[from Bobbi-Xtina’s Droid phone]
The primary symptoms of cholera are profuse painless diarrhea and vomiting of clear fluid. These symptoms usually start suddenly, one to five days after ingestion of the bacteria. The diarrhea is frequently described as "rice water" in nature and may have a fishy odor. An untreated person with cholera may produce 10-20 liters of diarrhea a day with fatal results. For every symptomatic person there are 3 to 100 people who get the infection but remain asymptomatic.

Abigail may have cholera.

The group stops at the nearest rest station in Idiotville.

[Seriously, there is an Idiotville, OR.]

The group takes a 30 minute break.

Sensing that the Issac was opening up a big can of quit, Gideon insists everyone get back in the Cruiser and continue the journey. Abigail comes out of the woods after a bathroom break with a deer carcass.

The weather is warm, the group has plenty of food, and no one is dead yet.

Miles traveled: 60 miles

Gideon gets a speeding ticket.

Officer Louie: Be careful not to hit that Cruiser's pedal too hard! You can keep moving on your way, but set your cruise control at a fair pace. Do I smell alcohol? If you keep driving too fast you'll all end up spending a night in the drink tank.

Samuel: Lame.
Bobbi-Xtina: Oooh, look. A roadside gravestone!
Gideon: Don’t get out of the... ugh. Alright.
Gravestone: "Here lies andy. peperony and chease"
Gideon: What the? Seriously, get back in the Cruiser."

Miles traveled: 86 miles

Samuel: Oooo, llllook! Werrrr closse to Tillamahoo, Tillmooo, Tilllllaamahooo...
Gideon: Tillamook. They make the best cheddar. I want to make a bed out of that stuff and sleep on it.

Bobbi-Xtina buys 186 lbs of cheese, but can only carry 100lbs back to the car.

Creepy Scout in the Tillamook parking lot: The game is still plentiful along here, but gettin' harder to find. With so many overlanders, I don't expect it to last more'n a few years. Folks shoot the game for sport, take a small piece, and let the rest rot in the sun."
Gideon: Ooooh-kay.
[The group rushes back to the Cruiser.]

Abigail: Where are my rabbits?
Gideon: Drat! Someone stole half our stuff! And our spare tire. What is wrong with people?!
Abigail: I thought we left the crazies back in Portland?
Gideon: It's kind of hot.

Gideon may have cholera.

Miles traveled: 114 miles

The PT Cruiser gets a flat tire.

Gideon: What are the chances someone would steal our spare tire and then we’d get a flat tire?
Bobbi-Xtina: ...and that there would be an abandoned PT Cruiser right over there?

Abigail gets a spare tire, a gas can, and some buffalo chips from the abandoned Cruiser.
Abigail: What are buffalo chips?

Bobbi-Xtina finds some wild fruit.

Abigail: Want to see a dead bear?
Gideon: I seriously hope that is a metaphor.
Samuel: I'm thirsty.

Miles traveled: 115 miles

The group stops at The Pelican Pub and Brewery and gets a round of India Pelican Ale.

Bar Person: Be warned, stranger. Don't drink the water! Drink only beer. As *burp* strong as the beer is -- it's better than the cholera! We buried my mate last week. Could use some help with this harness, if you can space the time.

Gideon: Guys! Cruiser! Now!
Samuel: Thrrthty

Bobbi-Xtina finds some wild fruit.

Bobbi-Xtina gets typhoid.

[from Bobbi-Xtina’s Droid phone]
Typhoid fever is characterized by a slowly progressive fever as high as 104°F, profuse sweating and gastroenteritis. Less commonly, a rash of flat, rose-colored spots may appear.

Bobbi-Xtina: Check that, I just need to roll down a window and lay off this wild fruit.

Bobbi-Xtina may have dysentery.

Gideon: When is the last time anyone saw Issac?

[Issac drowned in the Willamette River, but the team never noticed]

Miles traveled: 140 miles

Gideon: We have to be getting close. Right guys?
Gideon: Guys?

Runner Up: Deschutes Brewery (183)

CATCH UP WITH OUR OTHER SELECTIONS FOR STATE BREWERY REPRESENTATIVE ON THE USBP PAGE.

I’m in Portland and I Need Your Urgent Assistance

2012-03-06T22:35:00.000-06:00

I'm literally writing this with tears in my eye. I came down here to Portland, OR, USA for a short beercation and now I'm in a lot of trouble. I am so freaked out at the moment and need to get things sorted out ASAP so I can get out of here. If someone could help me out with a quick loan of approximately $2371.54 to sort out some bills I promise I'll refund it once I get home.

UPdate:
OMG, do you doubt me? What have I done to not deserve your assistance? I'm telling you I'm freaking out. Look, I've been to the cops and the embassy, but neither would help with my issues. I just need a quick loan, because this bar manager won't let me leave until I settle this bill. Western Union is probably the best way for us to do this transaction. Just give them the money and hit me back with that ID and when I can pick it up.

UpDATE2:
I checked my local Dub-U and there weren't any transactions for me. Don't forget that MTCN confirmation number. And I'm in Portland, OR.

And it's around $2371.54 that I need.

And I'm freaked.

New update:
I don't know why you haven't wired me this money. We both know it would save me from a lot of embarrassment and possibly save my life. I've also got a flight to catch. I promise to refund the money to you the next time we meet.

Maybe you need some back story before you help me out. Here we go.

I started at Henry's 12^th Street Tavern. This place has like 100 beers on tap!! They were also open at noon. Score-and-a-half! Check out the frozen lane that goes around the bar.

I had four or so pints here. I believe in laying down a good foundation before a big day. Next I headed out to find a Whole Foods Market. Portland is so hip, and I needed a visit to this earth-and-body-friendly, organic foods paradise to give my hipsterism a bump before night fell.

En route I found Rogue Ale Public House, so I did that instead. The bartender there was so cool. Rogue's bar has a lot of windows, so this guy wore sunglasses inside. If memory serves, I think his name was Seabiscuit. My man hooked me up with enough samples to call it a day. I ordered a pint anyway just to return the favor, since I don't know what the proper tipping percentage is on free samples. This barkeep was really rad and definitely deserved a tip.

From across the room I heard, "Anybody want a distillery tour?" I scanned the room to see if there was any takers, but it was two in the afternoon, and I happened to be the only person in the bar area. "Uhhh, this guy," I replied pointing both thumbs at my shoulders. Seabiscuit spit back, "W-W-W dot fingerpoint dot snap dash wink dot com." Hashtag awesome! I was so glad I didn't go to Whole Foods.


Affected picture of Seabiscuit

I don't know if my experience was unique, but the solo Rogue distillery tour consisted of talking about liquor and taking shots with the tour lady in the upstairs bar. If there was more to the tour, then I don't recall. I did learn that you cannot touch the still. Hashtag now I have a burn mark on arm.

Don't Touch That

Looking to soak in some additional Portland flavor, I hit up Seabiscuit for a recco. He informed me that Portland was home to the number one Irish establishment in America. Hashtag Seabiscuit 4 Prez.

Have you guys noticed that Portland has a lot of street folk – uh, homeless-ish looking people (I don't judge). No, not as many as New Haven, Connecticut though. Am I right, friend?

A block from the pub, with my brain composing a mad fiddle tune, I ran into a guy passing out flyers. I have a personal policy about not taking flyers on the sidewalk. "No, you throw it away." I always say that joke. I can't even remember who I stole it from, but it's kind of sneaky mean, and I like it. The street flyer guy didn't understand my sarcasm and somehow tricked me into grabbing the flyer. But I was glad he did.

You see friend, Portland has these Underground Tours that literally take you on a "journey into the bowels of the city." Apparently many of the buildings are connected underground, and were once used for illicit "medicine" trade, Prohibition-era saloons, white slavery, and some other cool stuff. Portland's version of the emerald isle could wait.

The Underground Tour started at the daftly named Shanghai Tunnel pub. Our guide began the experience by asking the group what kind of tour they wanted: 1.) The white slavery tour or 2.) The ghost tour. White slavery sounds pretty awesome. In spite of this fact, everyone in the entire room raised their hands for the ghost tour, presumably because ghosts are cooler than slavery. Ugh.

We headed underground, and I kid you not, the flyer-passer-out guy was down there. Creep city. Seriously, I think I've seen this guy in an old Scooby Doo cartoon. By the end of the tour, we all agreed that there were definitely ghosts living in Portland. "You believe in ghosts," you are probably asking. I agreed ghosts were real as a precaution, because if ghosts do exist, then there is less of a chance of them getting mad and then haunting me if I am a believer. If there aren't really ghosts, then I'm also in the clear, because – you see – they don't exist. The logic is sound. Plus, the creepy flyer-passer-out tour-assistant guy stopped staring at me when I declared my belief. That guy is like part Craigslist – part bottom of the tongue – part stray cat.

We weren't allowed bar drinks on the tour, so it was definitely time to test the taps at the best Irish establishment in America, the place blessed by my new super cool bartender friend from Rogue. At least I thought Seabiscuit was my friend. Wow, how can I express it best? Let me just say that it looked like it was Ed Hardy's birthday (observed) up in there.

Slainte!

Coming down hard off my midday craft beverage bender, I decided to suck it up, intermingle with the pretentious sugar-coated meat heads, and make my way to the bar.

And here, friend, is where the story goes off course.

When I reached for my wallet to pay for my Honest Pint® of Guinness……… NOW DOES MY EARLIER PLEA MAKE SENSE TO YOU!?

My heart started racing. I had everything in that wallet: All my credit cards, my ID, my American Homebrewers Association member card, a lotto ticket, my Social Security Card, a bunch of walking around cash, and a receipt of a time when I epically out-Whataburgered my wife. I started sweating. I couldn't breathe. Everything was spinning. I really wanted that beer.

I ran out of ~~Kells~~ (In order to avoid libel and stuff, let's say the place rhymes with…) "Hellz" to get back to the Shanghai tours. The last time I pulled my wallet out was when I bought that ghost tour ticket. I was disoriented, and must have run around the same block two or three times before finding a hostess at the bar. Gasping for air and a clear thought, I explained to the hostess that I had lost my wallet on an earlier tour. My spastic demeanor must have frightened her a bit, because she just turned around, called someone on the phone, and directed me to the bar next door. However, no one but a bartender was at that bar next door. I sure could have used a beer to calm the nerves, but instead I frantically explained to him my predicament. The bartender assured me they could help, and he led me to the back of the bar.

I awoke in some dreadful chamber underground. I checked my pocket and damn – no wallet. I had no idea where I had been taken or how I got there, but when I saw him, I figured it out.

Curse all those fools for voting for the ghost tour!! I knew zero point zero about Shanghaiing. But, I was about to find out.

Did you ever pith a frog in science class? I'm just saying that it was the creepy flyer tour guy down there with me. He explained my two options: 1.) Work the Portland bar scene for no pay, cleaning up in the early mornings to get the establishments ready for the next day, or 2.) Pay $2,250 for my freedom.

He further explained that Portland had been using this shocking practice of kidnapping able-bodied men and women since the 1800s. A little Shanghaiing is apparently how Portland continues to be so great, and it really makes sense the way he explained it. I had sensed something a little strange about the city. Plus, it is kind of cool to be called "able-bodied."

But friend, I'm no good at cleaning. I haven't even made my bed since middle school. Please, please help me out. I'll be honest, I was just kidding about the embassy thing in the earlier update. I thought that would get your attention, but now I know I was wrong. The Western Union details at the top of the post are totally real though. I need that $2,250 for my freedom, $86.54 for the ecoShuttle to PDX, and I seriously need a beer or two and a pizza.

I will never drink a bunch of beer before liquor and then take flyers and go on tours ever again. I promise. I'll just wait here for your response.

With this guy.

Thanks.

Firestone Walker Union Jack IPA Clone

2012-02-25T10:40:00.010-06:00

Well here I am, sitting in my chair, watching Jersey Shore (I need my trash reality TV, we'll get to that) and blogging about brewing beer, instead of being outside actually homebrewing a beer. The reason I'm not outside is because I feel like sick-ish, I've been coughing up some crud for the past 24+ hours and I need to get some rest. So this entry is a prelude to my homebrewing session that I'll be doing tomorrow.

I'm a pretty regular listener to the podcasts from The Brewing Network (BN) and one of their shows called The Jamil Show: Can You Brew It attempts to brew clone recipes of popular commercial beers, with great success. One of the beers that I have heard the BN brewcasters rant and rave about for years is the Firestone Walker Union Jack IPA. This beer has won numerous awards including gold at the Great American Beer Festival in 2008 and 2009 (They also won Mid-Size Brewing Company and Mid-Size Brewing Company Brewer in 2011). Winning a medal at GABF is tough, getting one in the IPA catagory is difficult due to the high number of entries (176 entries in 2011), securing a gold medal is amazing and winning gold back to back years is almost impossible. In fact, here's what the crew at Firestone Walker has to say about their award winning IPA:

"An instant classic, Union Jack is the recipient of numerous awards including back to back wins at the Great American Beer Festival. Union Jack is abound with hop aroma and character. In fact this well balanced, west coast IPA is dry hopped 3 separate times, each lot giving it more and more of the grapefruit citrus hop aroma and flavor it is known for. Overall it utilizes over 4 pounds of pacific northwest hops per barrel."

Below is a summary of the recipe, I had to substitute Carastan for Caramalt just like the brewcasters had to do in their version of the recipe.

Recipe Specifics

Batch Size (Gal): 6.00

Wort Size (Gal): 6.00

Total Grain (Lbs): 16.78

Anticipated OG: 1.071 Plato: 17.19

Anticipated SRM: 6.9

Anticipated IBU: 82.2

Brewhouse Efficiency: 70 %

Wort Boil Time: 90 Minutes

Grain/Extract/Sugar

13.75 lbs. Pale Malt(2-row)

1.98 lbs. Munich Malt

0.83 lbs. CaraPilsner

0.22 lbs. Carastan Malt

Hops

0.88 oz. Warrior Pellet 17.00 AA% 61.2 IBUs 90 min.

0.63 oz. Cascade Pellet 7.00 AA% 8.4 IBUs 30 min.

0.63 oz. Centennial Pellet 10.50 AA% 12.6 IBUs 30 min.

1.83 oz. Cascade Pellet 7.00 AA% 0.0 IBUs 0 min.

1.83 oz. Centennial Pellet 10.50 AA% 0.0 IBUs 0 min.

1.55 oz. Cascade Pellet 7.00 AA% 0.0 IBUs 1st Dry Hop

1.55 oz. Centennial Pellet 10.50 AA% 0.0 IBUs 1st Dry Hop

1.06 oz. Cascade Pellet 7.00 AA% 0.0 IBUs 2nd Dry Hop

1.06 oz. Centennial Pellet 10.50 AA% 0.0 IBUs 2nd Dry Hop

0.49 oz. Amarillo Gold Pellet 10.00 AA% 0.0 IBUs 2nd Dry Hop

0.49 oz. Simcoe Pellet 12.40 AA% 0.0 IBUs 2nd Dry Hop

Yeast

White Labs WLP002 English Ale

Mash Schedule

Intermediate Rest Temp : 145 Time: 60 min.

Saccharification Rest Temp : 155 Time: 15 min.

Mash-out Rest Temp : 168 Time: 15 min.

Sparge Temp : 170 Time: 45 min.

Notes

Pitch at 63F and let free rise to 66F

Sanctification Clone

2012-02-20T19:26:00.013-06:00

It's been far too long since I've written anything on the greatness that is theferm and now is the time to correct my actions.

As one would expect coming from me, this is an article on beer, specifically making beer at home, or homebrewing if you will. My most recent jaunt in homebrewing came this past weekend as I was wanting to relive our last trip to wine country, a Russian River Sanctification clone. The recipe was taken from Brew Your Own's (BYO) 250 Clone Recipe magazine, with a little of my own modifications which some might call "accidents." But what would homebrewing be without a mishap or two along the way?

After looking through the BYO clone magazine I looked up The Mad Fermentationist's website, and to my dismay he has not blogged about (or none that I could find) a Sanctification clone. He has brewed a Pizza Port Company's Mo' Betta Bretta, which may find it's way into my homebrewery soon enough, and a Russian River Temptation clone though. I myself have 10 gallons of Temptation clone slowly souring at the moment, half of which is on six pounds of cherries. Now Michael Tonsmeire, who is The Mad Fermentationist, is one who has done many sour fermentations as well as other experiments, for a good read get lost in his website.

After a quick Google search I found that there are very few blogs or forum posts similar to the quality of the Mr. Tonsmeire's blog so I thought I would try to attempt my version of a Sanctification clone blog post.

Unlike most beers that are fermented with "traditional" brewers yeast, Sanctification is brewed with wild yeast called brettanomyces. Brettanomyces creates a sourness and tartness that is not present (at least not in perceptable levels) in beer when brewed with brewer's yeast.

An excerpt from Russian River's website states the following on this beer:

"Technically, this is neither an ale nor a lager. The base recipe is for a Golden Ale, but we do the primary fermentation with 100% brettanomyces. The brett gives it some sour notes but not as much as if it had been aged with lacto and pedio. It’s rather refreshing on a warm day!" Lacto and Pedio are references to other kinds of wild yeasts.

I brewed the beer on Sunday (2/19) and it looks like it's fermenting along well right now. I'll let it sit for at least 4 weeks and then I'll either keg it or bottle it with cork and cage like a Belgian beer you'd find in a store. We'll see how it turns out, below is a rundown on ingredients and process to make this beer.

Recipe Specifics

Batch Size (Gal): 6.00

Total Grain (Lbs): 13.25

Anticipated OG: 1.056 Plato: 13.71

Anticipated SRM: 3.9

Anticipated IBU: 33.5

Brewhouse Efficiency: 70 %

Wort Boil Time: 120 Minutes

Grains

11.00 lbs. Pale Malt(2-row)

1.32 lbs. Sauer(acid) Malt

0.93 lbs. Vienna Malt

Hops

1.20 oz. Sterling Pellet 7.00% AA 33.5 60 min.

0.60 oz. Sterling Pellet 7.00% AA 0.0 0 min.

Yeast

Brett Brux (White Labs WLP650) - 3L Starter

Brett Lambicus (White Labs WLP653) - 1L Starter

Lacto Delbrueckiii (White Labs WLP677) - 100mL Starter

Ferment at 72F but let the temperature rise as high as 80F for 3-4 weeks.

3/3/2012 - Tasting today was good, not as tart as I thought it would be, very "brett"-y though. Should turn out interesting at the very least, might be the most approachable all brett beer I've ever tasted.

Drunk on the job. So what!?

2012-01-26T21:01:00.003-06:00

So interesting news out of Burbank that Pat Sajak, beloved host of Wheel of Fortune since I remember watching TV and I'm not young enjoyed a margarita or six before hosting Wheel of Fortune.

Lots of questions here:
1) In the entertainment business, can being tipsy allow one to be more entertaining?
2) In a regular work place, can being tipsy allow one to be more creative, innovative, personable?
3) Does Vanna White enjoy tire treads over her back from the bus she was just thrown under?
4) Why the heck is Dan Le Batard breaking this news on an ESPN show?

Let's look at one thing at a time.

1) I say emphatically, "yes". Word of mouth stories have tied actors like, oh, John Belushi, who might chug an entire bottle of Jack (and come out of it knowing foreign languages, apparently) to get in character to being a bit loaded on the set. Other than the obvious problems with binge drinking, anything of it? I say "no". If I were an actor, I wouldn't hesitate (contract allowing) to get a little loose before going in front of the lights.

2) Hmmm, slippery slope here. I can handle my one or two or six (here's to you Pat) but the guy next to me may not. He might fly off the handle and come at me when I ask why his report is late. The gal next to him might break down in tears after a few if you mention something as simple as "your hair looks nice today" and she replies "pickles is gone, my cat is dead..." Lost productivity having to listen to her go on and on for 30 minutes about a cat you could give a flip less about. So I'm going to have to say "no". For more information, this summary highlights the possiblities with beer at work. You don't have to stretch the imagination for the liability involved, be it sexual harassment, imparted driving, workplace injury, etc. Short story is that I could pull it off, a work force of 100 people will see problems.

3) Yeah, I'm pretty sure Vanna didn't want to have anything to do with this leaking. I'm sure a publicist is working right now to disassociate herself from the comments of Pat and Pat alone. I say as a disinterested (legally) but interested (from an adolescent male), I did not notice any evidence of stumbling or disorientation of her and turning those letters so she's innocent until proven guilty.

4) Those who follow sports are familiar with Dan Le Batard, a great sportswriter, a fill in for ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, and a wit from the show highlighted above. Good catch, credit to his producers who found Sajak and thought this might be a story. You figure CNN could have found this and made it a big story on one of their fledgling shows (like whoever that guy who isn't Larry King) but DLB got it!

All that being said, I think a glass of beer or wine with lunch (European style) should be more tolerated here stateside.

As a complete non-sequitor, does anyone else remember when former San Diego Chargers Kicker Rolf Benirschke hosted Wheel for some reason? What was that about????

Dude, You Going to Teach That (Deductive Reasoning)

2011-11-17T08:37:00.001-06:00

Part 1: In which we get a brief introduction to a multi-part blog series (that will probably be abandoned after one post).

Good day to you, my friends. Today I'd like to take advantage of the skeleton crew that is left around here during football season to bring you a new blog series: "Dude, you going to teach that?"

The premise is nearly almost self-explanatory. First I present to you a piece of work from the Internet, and then I dissect it. Hopefully, some sort of lesson emerges.

Part 2: In which we get the syllabus.

Instead of teaching you how to make delicious stuff to put in your mouth, today I will present a discourse on Deductive Reasoning.

To truly extrapolate significant intelligence on this topic, we must consult the work of masters. The rise of social media has spawned a renaissance for pundits and curmudgeons. Just a quick aside, with this plenitude of enlightenment to be found on the Internet, I fully expect "street smarts" in the future to refer to the Information Superhighway and not actual streets. Fortunately, the Internet gives us access to an array of veritable savants on all things ever whispered in mankind's own collective head.

Our featured post is titled "Houston's Diners", published on the highly-respected Internet outlet for eating thoughts, food.DrRicky.net. Since this class is real-time, I will present the text, unedited and in its entirety, in the body of this lesson.

In terms of my particular qualifications as a professor, I'm certainly no doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. Just kidding, I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, but it wasn't last night. Just kidding, I only showed up in the lobby that morning for those delicious cinnamon rolls.

At the very least, I have read the work cited in this syllabus. I also have a thesaurus open so I can appear really, really sharp astute.

Part 3: In which we break down our subject piece.

Any doctor worth his proverbial salt wastes no time getting to the point.

In a recent survey by Zagat (now a property of Google)

*sigh* The Googlization of America continues. At least Yelp retains its credibility by remaining independent. I Bing'ed the details of the Zagat acquisition, and I think it is possible that Google merely took over the lease at Zagat's vacated office space. It was also not clear after my research whether the "recent survey" was a Google Doc form.

revealed that Houstonians dine out more often than any other city in the US.

YEAH!!

Some seem to think that this is something to be bragged about.

Oh, um... For the record, that "some" refers to Eater Houston, a blog dedicated to all things dining related in Houston. Even though this is precisely the kind of news I would expect to see on Eater, let's do a quick sanity check.

It ain't bragging if it's true
The Zagat survey proved* Houstonians dine out more often than any other city in the US.
Therefore, Eater was reporting fact and not bragging.

*probably needs reference, but

Why is that?

Doc likes softballs.

If there's anything I've observed about local dining out habits is that these diners tend to go to the same narrow range of restaurants, all of whom tend to offer very similar dishes.

We will break here so you can wrap your heads around this astute observation.

Diners eat what they like – AND – Diners go to restaurants that serve what they like.

Curb those feelings of self-doubt and let those ideas marinate while I toss a few more things on the fire. Diners also all drink similar beverages (always Diet Coke or Bud Light). These diners also all tend to wear similar clothes. When is the last time you saw a 3-piece suit at Applebees? I rest my case.

Moreover, people tend to order the exact same dish with every visit. I believe the latter part is true of most American restaurant patrons.

Except Houstonians order a lot more combination fajitas and frozen margaritas with salt than the average American restaurant patron. Fact.

These habitual systems fuel the burgeoning monotony of the dining scene in Houston.

Really? Fajita jokes aside, everything about the statement above is completely invalid. The reality is that Houston is home to a world-class dining scene. Houston offers both traditional and progressive interpretations of Texas Gulf Coast cuisine, Tex-Mex cuisine, and a plateful of restaurants that represent Houston's melting pot of cultures.

If diners in Houston go to the same restaurants serving the same food, then how do restaurants in areas along Airline, Washington, Bellaire, Long Point, or Westheimer survive? How does Houston even have five great food streets/districts? Furthermore, why can I easily find someone who would duel to the death over replacing one the streets mentioned above with their favorite food street?

Our diversity stems from the number of different ways one can put toppings on a hamburger, or the minutiae of smoking brisket.

Dr. Ricky is thoroughly connected to Houston's food scene, so this smarmy, faux intellectual statement must be leading us to some sharp-witted deduction.

Ubiquitous blogging idioms be damned!!

And at the end of the day,

Eh. Never mind.

familiarity often trumps flavor at the checkout receipt.

The assertion here is that things that taste different taste better? Whoa there, el doctor.

Let's take a moment to review. Dr. Ricky has established that the average Houstonian diner does not meet his culinary imprimatur because she isn't adventurous enough. Caught in the blast zone of that bombshell was Eater Houston, a website dedicated to dining that "bragged about" Houstonians eating out more than any other U.S. city -- according to a Google study.

What are the details of said study? I'm glad I asked. (I like softballs too.)

Zagat's recently released its 2012 America's Top Restaurants Survey for their newest guide. The survey was based on the votes of over 156,000 "food lovers" dining out in 45 major markets. Just for reference, the Houston metropolitan area alone has almost 6,000,000 residents, so the survey was far from comprehensive and most likely not very scientific (e.g. votes from "food lovers"). The study concluded that the average food lover in these top 45 markets ate 3.1 meals that came from a restaurant per week. These results do not differentiate between type or time of meal, as far as I could make out.

Texans were the Charlie Sheen of this survey, with four cities locking down the top slots of the survey for meals eaten from a restaurant per week: Houston (4.0), Austin (3.8), Dallas/Ft. Worth (3.6), and San Antonio (3.5).

With that inscrutable science, we continue with the post.

But the necessary consequence here is that Houstonians tend to cook less often at home.

OK Stop. The deductive argument presented here is that since Houstonians eat out (or get take out) more than the average American, than they are cooking less at home. The statement sounds reasonable on the surface, but let's evaluate the significance of that logical statement. Ignoring the most important meal of the day, the Taco Bell 4^th Meal, a monotonous diner eats 21 meals in a week. The average Zagatian fooder eats nearly 18 of those at home. The average Houstonian Zagatian fooder, with his burgeoning waistline eats only 17 of those 21 meals at home, a difference of less than 5%.

Math check: 5% > 0%
Therefore, the doctor's conclusion seems sound.

But is there an important lesson to be extracted from those numbers? Once again:

But the necessary consequence here is that Houstonians tend to cook less often at home. And this should be recognized as a sad matter.

Wait, should it?

Irrelevant conclusions < Tim Tebow < Sound Logic

Maybe Dr. Ricky's premise would be sound if every meal eaten at home was a home prepared meal. What if I make a frozen pot pie for dinner? Ramen noodle? How sad is that? What if I bought a bowl of pho at a local restaurant and my neighbor made a PB&J?

Does this make Dr. Ricky cry?

Back to the Zagat study, can we even make the assumption that the average diner eats at home for 17.9 meals and the average Houstonian eats at home for 17.0 meals?

The study only addresses meals away from the home, not the balance of the other meals. Do the people in the study eat only two meals a day? Did they eat at Dr. Ricky's house? It is simply not sound logic to assume that the number of meals the participants in the study cooked at home. Remember, we are talking about less than a 5% difference between Houston and the average for these other meals. All the study states is that, based on the votes of over 156,000 food lovers dining out in 45 major markets, Houstonians responded that they ate out on average 4.0 meals a week compared to 3.1 for the average of the entire survey. Where in the survey does it address cooking at home?

There's a true and essential skill to cooking - it's the art of finding flavor amidst compromise, a balance of knowing enough of the science of chemistry and microbiology to apply heat and time to raw ingredients, to bring forth a transformation worthy of one's palate, discriminating or otherwise.

What a fascinating bit of misdirection and sophistry here. A Criss Angel just got its wings.

In the first part of his post, Dr. Ricky scolded diners for not eating adventurous enough when they ate out. Now, we are being scolded for not understanding the art and science of cooking in our homes! Nice one.

But wait, there's more…

And above all, it's about taking responsibility for the outcome, something that Texans, and all Americans, for that matter, are supposed to take pride in. And even the humblest of cooks are better equipped to appreciate the vision and efforts of a fellow cook by their very exposure to the craft.

What the smell? And this is how the doctor's little game of inception ends. I'm convinced that Dr. Ricky wanted to chastise Houston diners, wrote this revelation, and just backed into the fluff at the beginning. Certainly he didn't have logic over for dinner that night.

Perhaps I got lost in the "essential skill" of this confusery and don't know "enough of the science" to be "discriminating or otherwise," but at its best, Dr. Ricky's post served a proper outlet for him to unleash his distaste for Eater Houston and the average diner.

At worst, this is a shipload of scrap.

Part 4: In which we are presented a completely unrelated anecdote.

The other day I was driving in the museum district around midday. After a slight bend in the road, about 100 feet away, I noticed an oncoming car. The driver, a soccer mom in a Chevy Traverse, was in the midst of a huge face contorting yawn.

I understand there to be many theories on science of yawning. However, if there's anything I've observed about yawning, it is that they are terribly contagious. If a person even hears a yawn, they often have to yawn themselves. The theory even holds true with animal yawns.

So you won't be surprised to read after that car passed me, I too began a monster, eye squinting yawn. As I was completing my yawn, a car passed me in the same direction of the Chevy Traverse I originally spotted.

Then it hit me. Had I passed through a mysterious zone, a perpetual field, fueled by the invisible power of the yawn? Did I pass my yawn to the new car? Had cars been passing that yawn back and forth for hours before I drove through that area? How long did the perpetual yawn zone stay alive? Could there be other similar perpetual yawning zones in the city? The World? The Universe? Was this discovery significant?

I'm no philosopher, but probably.

"America's Beer": A Genuine Article

2011-10-20T15:35:00.000-05:00

By Gomer McHomer

In putting together the consummate ice chest beer collection for the big game, Sebastian Farce needed a remarkable beer. Commonly known as a craft beer gadabout and a clever spinster, Sebastian is credited with coining the phrase “America’s Beer.”

Independence Brewing Company’s co-owners Rob and Amy Cartwright resisted the title early on because they felt like demand for the beer would quickly exceed the brewery’s capacity (and humbleness, of course). But every waking thought finds its way to a publishing media nowadays, so delighted or not, the moniker was retweeted, favorited, and liked many thousands of times over.

It is Independence Brewing’s passion that they instill in every drop of beer that helped justify them as “America’s Beer,” while the entire brewery team made sure the beer drinkers would find it at notable local restaurants, bars, and grocery stores.

Love it or hate it, a person’s beer of choice is one of the most polarizing topics in the United States. Even when the number of breweries in the U.S. fell below one hundred in the 1980s, Americans still possessed an unquenchable desire for the hops and high quality two-row malts. That’s why I laugh when people refer to Budweiser as the “King of Beers” or how interesting a person is for drinking Dos Equis. Is Bud Light really “America’s Beer”? Yes. On opposite day.

I don’t think Jack Buddrinker even knows the swill in his Hypercolor dispenser box in the fridge is made from 30% corn. But it’s cheap and it gets the job done. Your Bud and Miller light beer fans will go so far as plan their night around what bar carries their favorite shaped bottles. And when you talk to them in the lavatory, you’ll find that most of them just drink what their Daddy drank.

It’s different with Independence Brewing. Ask a beer nerd studying the shelves at Whip In or the D&Q and they’ll talk your ear off about Convict Hill Stout or the fabulous Brewluminati series. It’s immeasurable the amount of Independence Brewing fanatics roaming the within the borders of the United States and beyond. And that’s exactly why Independence remains incontrovertibly the true “America’s Beer.”

Fear not, disenfranchised beer drinkers. This Saturday, October 22nd, Independence Brewing Company celebrates their seventh anniversary at their brewery in Austin, TX. Admission is free, but it would be careless of me not to recommend that you bring $12 for the commemorative anniversary glass. Join beautiful people just like yourself, possibly Sebastian mentioned above, and this scribe at the brewery from 4-8pm. Austin is the Live Music Capital of the World, so you can bet there will be some of that there too.

Texas A&M: Give UT My Notice

2011-08-24T22:03:00.002-05:00

Tonight I was feeling fine, sipping some purple wine, and thought I'd opine, about the ags on here. Gig.

"Give UT My Notice"
(Parody of Give Judy My Notice by Ben Folds)

UT
Why won't you respect the honor we swore?
We love/hate you
You don't care do you?
But UT
We can't stay your little bro
Not with our ego
So we gots to go

And we regard you as our rival, dear
And you don't even notice that we're here

Give UT my notice

I know we always called you tu (ha ha ha)
It's funny (whoop!), and you get grumpy
But UT
We ain't gon' be y'all b!tch anymore
Our daddy ain't Dodds
So we out the door

SEC grass is just so much greener
So we'll suck like a vacuum cleaner

Give UT my notice
Give UT my notice

UT, mug down with us one last time
They've passed back the command
Not that you'd understand
I think we have had a darn good fling
And now just one more thing

Horns down
We're going to keep that around
Because it's just part of us
We Aggies can obsess

And we're not running 'cause of your network
And we are running 'cause of your network

Give UT my notice
Give UT my notice
Give UT my notice
Give UT my notice
My notice

original song

Radio Umami

2011-08-12T10:55:00.006-05:00

Have you ever loved a beer for more than what was just in the glass? Have you ever felt connected to a restaurant because of the owner's story, the ambiance, or something memorable that happened in your life while you were there? Like the fifth taste, umami, some things take on a deeper meaning based on a combination of flavors. And like umami, the impression can be difficult to describe.

Destiny seems to dictate that the karmic consequence of something being so awesome is that it will come to an abrupt end. The father of modern microbreweries will sell out. That cooking savant creating magic in some obscure kitchen will leave. That musician changing the Universe with every note will off himself.

1560 The Game in Houston had radio umami. They were local and independent both in business structure and in business practice. In hindsight, I admit that we could all sense that the glory days of the station were in the rear view mirror. However, when Lance Zierlein announced he was leaving, it got real.

If you've ever watched your favorite establishment give rise to something remarkable and then destroy itself, then you probably felt like this (but only never bothered to make a video -- and drop that many f-bombs):

Mom. Earmuffs.

R.I.P. 1560 The Game. Double Rods. I don't recognize you anymore.

Follow Jay Dirt on Twitter for any future rants

Game on! An Insane Appeal. (The Pickem-Football Annual Recruitment Letter)

2011-07-28T16:34:00.005-05:00

I always target the football cookie.

Hello football fanatics, casual sports fans, drinking enthusiasts, and web crawling bots from porn sites! You look good. It's great to be home, and when I say home, I mean football season.

This is beautiful. I am really proud to get to speak with you today. Readers, we are at the dawning of the kickoff of the finest part of the twelvemonth. I understand how you feel. It is always darkest before the dawn, but the future is near, y'all. Today we stand up tall, knowing that, depending on when you are reading this message, football season is more or less a month away. I am proud to be writing this letter to you about our mutual standing.

I speak to you today as a football fan, as a guy that knows his way around a Google Docs spreadsheet, and as a Dad... a Dad who put TVs in all the other rooms in the house so the kids won't have an excuse to watch mine, among other things of course. I am just a casual, everyday fan with four TVs tuned to football programming in my living room every weekend. My parents, aunts, cousins, in-laws , sister, wife -- all dead to me when Northwestern kicks off against Purdue at 11:00 AM on a Saturday.

I recon I'm trying to let you know that I'm dedicated to the cause. At the end of the day, I will promise stuff, and nothing is more binding than a promise. Between you and me, I run the best, most funnest football season companion game you will find anywhere on this awesome, but slowly wilting Earth. I'm not just saying, but I'm literally just saying.

Some of you missed our plea last year, and this communication is to convince you to sign up and play with me. Truth be told, that is what I'm trying to do here. I assure you that joining the Pickem-Football 2011 family doesn't hurt in any way. Hey folks, it may even save your life! Unfortunately, not everyone understands the long term benefits of joining us at Pickem-Football. Some people don't even believe it will save their lives. No, some people choose to continue down their path of unenlightenment. Some of those people may even try to prove to me they are enlightened without Pickem-Football. Merriam-Webster.com defines enlightenment as "the act or means of enlightening." Need I say more?

I want to use another word. Solidarity. I looked it up and it means a unity based on common interests. Pickem-Football is like Solidarity+™. We are good people with varied interests that get together around a common game and make the World a better place. Pickem-Football is like a movement. A movement of genuine Solidarity+™.

I write this letter to you because I know in my heart that the Internet is where real integrity can be found. And courage. Football season is quite long, and it requires sacrifice and moral incorruptibility. Pledging yourself to Pickem-Football will protect you from other forces that may seek to leach away your free time, like YouTube related videos or the dishes. We will protect you from destruction, unless destruction is necessary for us to achieve our goals as a league, wherein you may be tasked with carrying out a significant portion of the destruction. This communication will be done discretely and not through your corporate email.

Make no mistake, readers. You are winning. You are a beautiful (I'm talking on the inside, nothing creepy), veracious, and courageous individual. Sure, we are chock full of yous here at Pickem-Football, but I firmly believe that you can't have too much of a good thing. (Except pancakes. Seriously, has anyone ever made it through a full stack?)
Now, I know exactly what you are asking yourself.

You: "I'm intimately familiar with myself, but I want to know more about this game."

Me: "First of all, that isn't a question. But second, I thought you would never ask."

Every week of the regular football season I will email and post on Pickem-Football.com a Google Docs form containing:

15 NCAA football games and odds (you pick against the spread)

Every NFL football game (usu. 14-16 games, you pick straight up)

For NCAA and NFL games, there will be some optional bonus questions. While these won't increase your Pick'em score, they are collected and used in the post season games. I dole out bonus points for weekly winners, people you pay their entry fee early, and some other random stuff I make up along the way.

We also continue on after the season with an NCAA Bowl Challenge Contest and an NFL Playoff Contest. Folks, that is over five months of football picking. Do you know what our government will waste in those five months? Trillions. Maybe. I really don't know. I do know that Pickem-Football will cost you a measly $25 (payable anytime throughout the season). My friends, nothing is more fiscally responsible than signing up for five months of meaningful life for around $0.16/day. (Meaningful life is not available at any price during the baseball season.)

You: "Wait -- what?"

Me: "I'll recap."

The Games:

NCAA Pick'em
1. 15 games picked per week, my selections

NFL Pick'em

Every NFL game is on the card, usually 14-16 games per week
Players score one point per correct pick
Games are picked straight up (no spread)
Example card
The player with the most points when the season is over wins
Payout: 1^st Place 25% pot, 2^nd Place 10% of pot (Total = 35% pot)

NCAA Bowl Pick'em Challenge

A confidence pool style game that includes every bowl game and incorporates your accumulated bonus points from the NCAA Pick'em contest
The Bowl Pick'em Challenge card is emailed as a spreadsheet
All picks are due before the bowl games begin
The player with the most points wins
Example (blog post)
Payout: 1^st Place 15% pot

NFL Playoff Pick'em

A Vegas style wagering format that includes all playoff games
The NFL Playoff Pick'em cards are emailed in spreadsheet format weekly during the playoffs
Points are "wagered"
Picks are against the spread
Example (blog post)
Payout: 1^st Place 15% pot

100% of what comes in goes out to the people. What do you think of that, Teabaggers?

To wrap up. Courage. Solidarity. Destruction. Pancakes. America.

Joining starts here! Joining starts now! I guarantee the only thing you will regret is that you didn't just skip all the way to the bottom of this letter and CLICK THIS REGISTRATION LINK.

God bless you all, and God bless Football!

Aimless Chef: Houston's Ultimate Top 3 - Chain Restaurants

2011-07-10T16:19:00.007-05:00

When I discovered recently that The Ferm got a shout out on Eating Our Words, the Houston Press' food blog, I was like -- WHAT THA H!?!

Quote-unquote avid readers of The Ferm are probably familiar with SirRon's sobering attempts at getting published on Eating Our Words. But if you are not, after reading my post (of course), try to figure out which story is more affecting, the first or the second.

Vaughn S. Gregg has higher aspirations than just being the internationally recognized creative chef on an obscure drinking blog with absentee leadership. Yes ma'am I do. But instead of a clichéd harangue against the city's only major news and entertainment weekly as brash and freewheeling as Houston itself, I've decided to share with you guys the pieces that I actually wrote and sent to the Houston Press offices. I'm all about good food and not so much about copyrights and statutes of limitations. ~~However, our big stick here at The Ferm is a lawyer, so Mr. Smokeypants can just apply the strike-through tag on this post if he feels I've broken any blogging laws.~~

The first piece I sent earlier this year was on the Top 3 chain restaurants in Houston, TX. Comments are appreciated. Ladies, please use my soft taco recipe post to leave your digits.

Houston's Ultimate Top 3 - Chain Restaurants

1. Sweet Tomatoes
2. Grimaldi’s
3. Chuy’s

What a treat to have the opportunity to opine above the comment section level, an opportunity that is no doubt the culmination of our hard work down there (and a possible sign of the apocalypse). We should celebrate with a margarita from Chuy’s. We can love this place and not feel like we are part of the cult. When we want to feel like family, we get a pie at Grimaldi’s. If we close our eyes, the franchised version tastes almost exactly like all those pies we ate under the Brooklyn Bridge, except we don’t have to pay in cash in the suburban replicas. Sometimes we eat healthy, but only sometimes. At Sweet Tomato, it is your choice. We can tell you your life story by reading the salad you built. Grab a monthly BOGO coupon and we’ll be your plus one. You can figure us out too, that is if you can see our salad behind our four soups, two pastas, and muffin pile.

Cocktail Recipe: Rum Punch

2011-06-24T12:01:00.002-05:00

Prior to my honeymoon in the Southern Caribbean near the turn of the millennium, I'm not sure I had ever tasted a rum punch. During the island tours, I quickly became accustomed – and fond – of this Caribbean staple. It seemed like no lunch, tour, swim, museum visit, or mountain hike started or finished (or started and finished) without being offered a glass. If I had known then that rum punch recipes were so divergent, I would have pressed a local for their secret.

"Classic" rum punch recipes range from having bitters, simple syrups, fruit punch, and/or sodas. I found many recipes that called for orange juice, but all of my iterations attempting to recreate the Southern Caribbean variation fell short. To be sure, the key ingredient is the use of high quality Caribbean dark rum. In my opinion, no better rum exists that the ones made at Mount Gay. Their rum is so good you could mix it in your Bacardi to make it taste better. My next major breakthrough came when I abandoned orange juice and instead used guava and mango nectars. Eureka!

Many years removed, I honestly don't know how close this recipe is to that once familiar Southern Caribbean drink. My recipe is unique and tasteful though, so please enjoy my interpretation of the rum punch.

Southern Caribbean Rum Punch (Tribute)

yield:
~½ pitcher

ingredients:
Punch:
2 11.3 oz cans guava nectar
1 11.3 oz can mango nectar
1 11.3 oz can "bartender's choice" nectar (any flavor; I suggest an orange blend, banana blend, or another mango)
1 6 oz can pineapple juice
2 tbsp lime juice
½ cup canned coconut cream (e.g. Coco Lopez), stir well before measuring

At serving:
Mount Gay Sugar Cane Rum (or other dark Caribbean rum)
Sweetened coconut flakes
Ground nutmeg
Lime wedge (optional)

preparation:
Combine coconut cream, pineapple juice, lime juice, and nectars in a blender (note: some of the nectars can be left out if pitcher is full). Blend until coconut is well mixed (several 2 second pulses should do it). Pour into a large pitcher. Add any remaining juices (if some were left out of the blender). Mix well. Serve or cover and refrigerate (can be prepared a day ahead).

serving:
Fill a 12 ounce glass with ice. Pour a shot of rum over the ice. Top the glass off with the punch mix and stir. Garnish with a pinch of coconut flakes, ground nutmeg, and a few drops of lime juice or a lime slice. Salud!

50 Breweries for 50 States – The Ferm’s United States of Beer Project

2011-06-23T17:25:00.000-05:00

As we outlined in our United States of Beer Project kickoff post, we are assembling the definitive list of breweries to represent each of the 50 states. Anyone can toss a name out and argue its relationship with a state, but we at The Ferm are only interested in cold, hard facts. Each representative has been selected after exhaustive research and extensive number crunching. As a refresher, below are the guidelines:

The goal is to identify a single representative brewery from each state. Brewpubs are not specifically excluded, but to be a state representative, the brewpub must have significant distribution in the state.
To be eligible as a state's representative, a brewery must brew beer in that state.
If a brewery makes beer in more than one state, the brewery can only be named representative of one state.
Only active breweries are eligible.

Just to be clear, I'm merely an emotionless arbiter in these selections. I first aggregate brewery data from several sources. An Excel formula then computes the score automatically. My own input came only from the scoring formula creation, which I calibrated using several states where I was particularly familiar with the breweries located within.

If you take exception to any of the selections or think I unfairly excluded a brewery (or brewpub), please hit me up in the comment section or on Twitter (@theferm) and I'll get you the score of the brewery in question.

NOTE: I've given this post it's own page. Follow the link below for USBP's new home.

MORE>> (Follow Link for Individual State's Results)

The Ferm’s United States of Beer Project

2011-06-23T00:01:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago Houston Press food blogger extraordinaire Katharine Shilcutt wittingly dropped a proverbial deuce on the American beer drinker. In her post titled The United States of Beer, Katharine rather subjectively assigned each state an official beer. Her intentions were relatively innocuous, but her uneven attempt to rush the post's publication by peppering the U.S. map with whimsical selections energized the nation's beer drinking pantywadders (200+ comments!).

This was not the first time the food blog published a half-hearted post and then hid behind guise of just "having a laugh." I wonder if their editor would be as supportive of a post that jacked around with where to find good Mongolian hot pot? If the Houston Texans decided to play without cleats for a quarter, how do you think that would go over with their fans? If Nicholas Cage stopped caring about the movies he agreed to make, then what? I'm just saying, our big stick, Mr. Smokeypants, doesn't let us get away with weak journalism our site, and I've never seen a dime from the blog.

We at The Ferm are not asserting that blogs, and more specifically The Houston Press' food blog Eating Our Words, must be serious all the time. We are only suggesting that if you are getting paid to publish your work, that it be well thought out, researched, and written as if you even care that your name is on the piece. (I hope EOW blogger Kevin Shalin doesn't mind me stealing his words in that previous sentence, but there is a pretty good chance all Houston Press people stopped reading in the second paragraph anyway.)

Speaking of serious, if you are aware of someone who takes drinking more seriously than we do, I would sincerely like to know. We also tend to look at the world through practical glasses, so we understand an accurate beer map of the United States probably looks more like an election map.

"That looks about right. Print it!" - Mr. Smokeypants

Apologies to my beer nerds, but let's get really real. The craft beer segment represents only about 5% of the total U.S. beer market. What does that mean? It means Budweiser is truly the King, or President if you will, of beers. Budweiser, Miller Lite, or Coors may pick up a few electoral votes, but Bud Light is probably every state's official beer. But where is the fun in that map?

"Yes, that one looks right. Print it!" - Mr. Smokeypants

After some hard core brainstorming, we have come up with a concept that falls somewhere in between the schizophrenic Houston Press beer map and the monotony of the factual map. Katharine's idea was actually kind of ingenious, however it was executed by a foodie/journalist/musician-type instead of a lawyer/engineer/rocket scientist-type.

That is where we can contribute. What Katharine's map project needed was some rules. Some formulae. Some science. That kind of concept is right in our wheelhouse.

Pronouncement: Katharine's list muddled beers and breweries. We will assign breweries to a state. It is reasonable to assume that a brewery's flagship beer would be the de facto beer representative for the state.

Rule #1: For any state, the brewery representative must be brewed in said state. Rule #1b: If a brewery makes beer in more than one state, the brewery can only be named representative of one state.

Example Formula: y = 29.936ln(x) How do you like them apples? (I don't trust the Internets enough to give out all our brewery ranking secrets.)

Science: Wikipedia says science is an enterprise that builds and organizes knowledge in the form of testable explanations and predictions about the world. Yeah, we got that.

Budweiser is overwhelmingly the people's popular choice for a national brewery. Don't be angry at us. You elected them without checking their proof of residence first. This post hereby kicks off The Ferm's own United States of Beer project. We will be rolling out each of the states' representatives over the next several ~~weeks~~ months. Stay thirsty tuned my friends.

Click map to jump to post with the states' selections

I Homebrew

2011-05-27T10:23:00.003-05:00

I homebrew because I can tell people I make my own beer. I homebrew to recreate beers that I enjoy. I homebrew to make beers that I can't access, to make beer styles seldom made by commercial breweries, to digress from traditions, styles, and recipes. I homebrew to make alcohol. This is a concept that seemed cooler when I was twenty, but I make alcoholic beverages in the same place I sleep. I homebrew because that is still a little cool.

I homebrew because it is easy to make good beer. With a little over a $100 investment, anyone can make about fifty standard bottles of delicious beer. For another $30, another fifty bottles can be brewed. But I don't homebrew to save money. I have hundreds of dollars worth of brewing accessories in my garage. I homebrew as a hobby. I have a several thousand dollar, digitally controlled, brew sculpture in my garage. I control temperatures during brewing to a single degree. A Red Ryder carbine-action, two hundred shot Range Model air rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time -- has nothing on my brew stand. My homebrewing equipment has a plaque with my name on it.

I homebrew for the feel, the flavor, and the aroma. Malted barley soaked in hot water can be intoxicating to the senses. I homebrew to make malty English-style beers. I homebrew to make strong, no-rules Belgian-style beers. I love Belgian-style beers. I homebrew to play with hops. I like to create strong, hoppy beers. I homebrew to add hops midway through the boil, after the boil, and while the beer in is the fermenter. I love hops. I grow hops in my yard.

I homebrew because I respect maltose, enzymes, yeast metabolism, and ethyl alcohol. I homebrew because I can make great beer and know something between a Master's Degree and absolutely nothing about any of those items. I homebrew to play with IBUs, Lovibond, and original gravity. I love my refractometer. I homebrew because I can experiment with malts, hops, yeasts, and adjuncts. I find yeast attenuation interesting. I homebrew because I like science. Except brewing is also art. Beers are designed. Equipment and recipes can play only a small part of the finished beer. Techniques play a nontrivial role. I homebrew to satisfy my inner mad-scientist. I like dialing my fermentation box's thermostat to create clove or banana flavors in my beer. I homebrew to stick it to The Man. I homebrew to flip my nose at The Reinheitsgebot.

I homebrew for the personal experience. But brewing with a friend is even better. I homebrew with my wife. I love the communal nature of brewing. Stirring the mash. Sampling past batches. I love sharing my knowledge, and I love learning from someone else. I homebrew for the fellowship. What is your favorite beer? I homebrew to brew your favorite beer with you.

This piece was meant as a finale for American Craft Beer Week. Perhaps I procrastinated just a bit in getting this published. Homebrewing isn't about haste. It takes weeks, sometimes months, to craft, ferment, and serve a beer finished beer. I homebrew because it is hard work. Patient work. Rewarding work. It's not about just a means to an end, but the end is pretty good. I homebrew for that.

2011 American Craft Beer Week: Day 6 – Eat, Drink, Repeat (Dogfish Head Namaste)

2011-05-21T23:59:00.006-05:00

Grand plans are noble, although also a grind. I intended to use today’s theme to challenge myself to create some food pairings for the beer I selected (intended = it didn't happen). But excuses are for losers. To preserve my masterplan, I'll do my best to churn out a few relevant paragraphs on beer and food pairings. And I'll still be drinking. So except for the possibility that I didn’t get raptured today, I’d say I’m still winning.

The rise of craft beers, miles apart from America’s industrially produced light lagers, has recently spawned a trend of beer and food pairing. Breaking into the mainstream has been slow. Wine is the sovereign food partner of fine dining. Every respectable restaurant has a wine list. Selections and quality of sommeliers can make or break a great restaurants’ reputation. Wine's place with food is based on its acidic, strong, and complex flavors. However, I question if the myth that wine is a superior food companion is not largely based on legacy.

Wine, crafted with arguably a superior ingredient -- the grape, is a one-dimensional beverage. All wines taste like fermented, aged grapes. Beers while crafted with more pedestrian ingredients -- grains and hops, are multidimensional beverages. Brewers craft their beers by tweaking the balance of malty sweetness and hop bitterness. Furthermore, flavor complexity is tailored using different types of malted grains and limitless amounts of adjuncts. Both wine and beer can utilize either naturally occurring or cultured yeasts to covert sugars to alcohol, but the yeast in beer making plays such a large part in the finished product’s flavor profile it can act as an important of an ingredient as the malts and hops.

As a quick example, Saint Arnold Brewing Company recently replaced its lowest selling beer (Texas Wheat, an American-style Wheat) with an altered version of one of its more popular beers (Fancy Lawnmower, a German-style Kölsch). The brewery now has two beers with the exact same recipe, but fermented with two different yeasts that yield very different tasting beers. In a recent newsletter, Saint Arnold reported selling as many kegs in a week and a half of the new replacement (Weedwacker) as it did of Texas Wheat in a whole year.

With an unrestricted amount of flavor profiles, beer is unmatched in potential flavor pairing combinations with food. Beer can also leverage its carbonation to lift aromas and clean your palate between samples. Wine is challenged by spicy foods, pickles, asparagus, etc. Your local wine merchant may have thousands of wines to choose from, but only a small handful of them would even be acceptable for that coconut-curry Thai dish.

My first beer pairing education came from a session by the Texas Culinary Academy in 2005. The chef giving the seminar demonstrated the three C’s of beverage pairing: Cut, Compliment, and Contrast.

Cut: Spicy foods can be cut by malty sweet beers, like an English Pale Ale or a German Marzen. The richer the food, hoppy beers can clean the creaminess or fattiness from your palate. Dry stouts can even cut through the richness of a sweet chocolate dessert.

Compliment: Beer really shines as a food pair in this category. While wine basically enhances foods with acidity, beer can provide a subtle compliment to a food’s flavor. Belgian beers spiced with orange zest and coriander provides a great compliment to salads. Japanese beers brewed with rice are perfect companions to pieces of sushi.

Contrast: Like wine, any food that is enhanced with acidity can be adjusted to provide a good contrasting food pair (imagine something that tastes good with a lemon squeezed on it). Fish and white wine is a good pair, as is a light-bodied pilsner. However, no contrasting pair may be as sublime as a raw oyster and a dry stout. I first had this pair at SAVOR in 2009, where the Choptank Oyster Company was shucking fresh oysters. I made several trips through the line with samples of some of the best stouts and roasty porters in at the event.

Whether beer or wine, food pairing promotes the kind of creativity that I love when cooking. It also encourages a more thoughtful and enjoyable eating experience. In the end, my originally planned post probably would have been more enjoyable for me than it would have been for you (kind of like beer reviews, eh?)

Day 6
May 21, 2011
Dogfish Head Craft Brewery Namaste (Milton, DE)

Website/Bottle Information:
"A Belgian-style White made with dried organic orange slices, fresh cut lemongrass and a bit of coriander. This beer is a great summer quencher.
Namaste was originally brewed at our brewpub in with our friend Leo from Birra del Borgo in Italy as a tribute to our friends at 3 Fonteinen brewery in Belgium, who had devastating production loss (1/3 of their annual production!) at their brewery in 2009. You can read more about the original brewing of this beer here on Sam's blog."

Serving: 750mL bottle
Style: Witbier
IBU: 20
ABV: 5.0%

He Said:
I haven't poured a beer from a 750mL bottle with as light and fluffy of a head as this one in a long time. The beer is very effervescent. All the carbonation really carries up aromas of the lemongrass and coriander that the beer is brewed with and some musty funk that it probably wasn't brewed with. I'll admit that if I hadn't used it in several homebrewing recipes, I wouldn't know coriander's aroma though. Some citrus is detectable, but it seems to be more from the yeast and not the oranges used in the brewing of Namaste.

I am always impressed with the incredible balance of each Dogfish Head beer. Even their hoppiest IPAs have a malty sweetness to perfectly balance the bitterness. Namaste is no different. Hops are present in the perfect amount to balance the beer and keep the flavor profile dynamic from start to finish.

Namaste is lemony, light, and refreshing. If I had attempted to craft some food pairings, I think this would have gone great with a salad incorporating some citrus. It would have also gone equally well with a chicken quesadilla.

I generally attribute the term "Namaste" with yoga or new age-type activities. Tonight this beer was enjoyed while bathing two little children, which is probably the furthest from that lifestyle. Translated, "Namaste" means greetings or good day. I think I'd say this is a pretty good day.

She Said:
Color - Golden

Carbonation - Very bubbly

Smell - Citrusy, Belgian

Taste - To be fair, I have tasted this beer before and enjoyed it even more the first time. The lemongrass and citrus flavors totally shined through in my previous tasting. This time those flavors are present but aren't as powerful (aging? storage issues?). I still enjoy Namaste's light bubbly taste that doesn't stick to your palate. The beer is a cool and refreshing treat for a hot summer day. I recommended this beer to friends after the first time I enjoyed it and would do the same now.

2011 American Craft Beer Week: Day 5 – Craftbeerapalooza (Williamsburg Alewerks "400" Ale)

2011-05-20T23:59:00.009-05:00

I would be remiss to not take a day during this week long celebration to recognize some great national events planned to promote, much like American Craft Beer Week, the culture and community of craft beer. Last year I included a list of notable some notable national events. This year I’ll be attending one of them.

On Saturday May 30, 2009, I was among the 1900 craft beer enthusiasts who gathered at the National Building Museum in Washington D.C. to sample 136 beers from 68 American craft breweries paired with 32 food items for the 2nd annual craft beer and food experience, SAVOR. The event, hosted by the Brewer’s Association, is the premier food and beer event for American craft beers. I'm just saying -- it is an awesome event.

Here is how I plan to experience SAVOR this year.

Wednesday: Fly into Providence, R.I.
This is my airport of choice when traveling to the Northeast. First of all, flights are inexpensive. Second: Dinner at Al Forno. I’ve eaten at Al Forno more than I’ve eaten at many of my favorite restaurants in Houston. Much like many of my favorite restaurants, I’ve only ordered one main dish from the menu: The Spicy Clam Roast. This is a plate of longnecked clams, served in their shells, each with a spicy sausage slice and onions. The clams are set around Al Forno’s mashed potatoes and everything is topped with a tomato-based sauce. I'm confident that this dish was sent directly from the seafood gods.

Thursday: Long Island's North Fork and Atlantic City
We then head to New London, CT and catch the ferry to Long Island. Our North Fork itinerary always includes a few winery stops and lunch at P.J. Lobster House in Port Jefferson, NY. This year we’ll be sampling at two wineries I’ve never visited, Bedell Cellars and Paumanok Vineyards. Both are listed in Palate Press’ recent Nine New York Wineries to Watch. Port Jeff is the prototypical harbour city on Long Island and has a Northeastern small town charm that makes it a popular tourist destination. P.J. Lobster House was recommended to me when I worked a few seasons at nearby Stony Brook University. This half fish market, half restaurant has unbelievable prices, superb service, and very fresh seafood.

Normally at this point in the journey we stop in NYC for a few days. This year our schedule is tighter so we are heading to Atlantic City to shorten our Friday drive to Washington D.C. I scored a reservation to the somewhat mysterious Chef Vola’s a day before they received a 2011 James Beard Award, something I knew nothing about before finding their elusive phone number on Yelp.

Friday: Rehoboth Beach, DE and Washington D.C.
From Atlantic City we travel to Cape May, NJ to take the ferry to Delaware. Our plan is to spend the afternoon at Rehoboth Beach on their boardwalk before heading to Washington D.C. that evening for SAVOR. Oh yes, and Dogfish Head Brewings & Eats is going to happen while in Rehoboth (I at least have to restock my Dogfish liquors from their distillery there).

And SAVOR should be a pretty good time too.

Day 5
May 20, 2011
Williamsburg Alewerks "400" Ale - Jamestown 1607-2007 (Williamsburg, VA)

Website/Bottle Information:
"'400' Ale commemorates the founding of the first Virginia Settlement and with it, the founding of the American brewing industry. Beer was an essential component of everyday life in Jamestown, only the security and shelter provided by the triangular shaped fort and the cultivation of edible (no doubt including barley) crops outranked the production of beer in importance. Fresh water flowing in local streams and the recently excavated well provided a source of potable water, but beer and other 'processed liquids, primarily beer' were the preferred drinks.

This ale, like the ales of the time, is brown in color. This beer may be more robust than 18th century brews, a liberty we choose to take. How could we possibly do justice to so important an event of 400 years ago, with anything other than a truly robust, full flavored contemporary 'Imperial Brown Ale.' Cheers."

Serving: 22oz bottle
Style: Imperial Brown Ale
ABV: 6.5%

He Said:
In keeping with the travel theme, "400" Ale is a bottle we picked up in 2007 while visiting Jamestown and Williamsburg. If you skipped the "Website/Bottle Information" above, then you missed a nice story about the role of beer as settlers landed in the New World.

I was reminded this was a brown ale while trying to detect its aroma prior to my first sip. It has very little hop profile and smelled bready (malty and yeasty). The flavor was good, but I found it a little hard to objectively assess a modern Imperial interpretation of an 18th century beer. When I checked Beer Advocate, most reviewers noted a strong sour flavor. In our bottle, the sourness must have completely gone away. I found "400" Ale to be much more pleasurable than BA reviewers that opened this in 2008. I'm just glad the beer was still enjoyable after five years in the cellar.

She Said:
Color - A dark, almost opaque brown with a tinge of red.

Head - Minimum white head. Lightly carbonated. Tiny bubbles.

Smell - Sweet, maybe a cherry bourbon smell (without the boozy notes).

Taste - Smooth and delish! This is a tame beer, but it is packed with a chocolate/cherry flavor. The beer finishes with sweet darker chocolate notes. The beer is very good, and I'm sad to see it go. I would buy more if it was still available.

What a tribute to Jamestown 1607!! (editor's note: TwoPints has a bachelors degree in history. Can you tell? :)

2011 American Craft Beer Week: Day 4 – Support Local Businesses That Support Craft Beer (Uinta Cockeyed Cooper)

2011-05-19T23:59:00.010-05:00

The "Mother of All Beer Weeks" is not only a celebration of craft beer and those who make it, but just as importantly a celebration of the American craft beer culture.

Most people attribute the offset of the modern day American craft brewery to be around 1980 when pioneer Fritz Maytag finished modernizing Anchor Steam in San Francisco, CA. Soon after, Ken Grossman opened Sierra Nevada in Chico, CA. The beer geek counterculture at that time was small and somewhat fragmented, and it would be another decade before the American craft beer scene began to take shape. Growth during the 1980s and 1990s was slow due to the outdated post-Prohibition laws most states, some which still exist. Even today, many craft beer enthusiasts don’t have access to the local options available in Portland, Asheville, or Denver. However, the common denominator for all of us is the pub.

Local pubs offer beer enthusiasts an opportunity to experience top offerings from around the country (and World). Great pubs play a huge role in fostering the growth of local beer culture. In Houston, TX, we are fortunate to have a distinguished homegrown pub like The Ginger Man that has been synonymous with beer culture since the mid-80s. The uniquely cool Petrol Station and notable chain Flying Saucer have also been beacons during the development of Houston’s craft beer scene.

This afternoon I am scribbling this blog post on a notepad from a bar stool at one of the best cocktail bars in America. With Anvil Bar & Refuge’s accolades for cocktails, I guess it is easy to overlook that beer guru Kevin Floyd may be the most knowledgeable and influential craft beer minds in Houston. Anvil may be hated as enthusiastically as it is praised, but Houston is lucky be able to claim such great cocktail and beer minds as Anvil co-owners Bobby Heugel and Kevin Floyd. I imagine there are a lot of sleepy bars that would gladly trade for a piece of Anvil’s hype.

As Houston’s craft beer venues increase in number, so does the city’s beer culture in strength. Craft beer bars aren’t the place to grab two shots and a light beer before heading home to the family. Craft beer bars are a subset of bars just as “foodie finds” are a subset of restaurants. Great bars educate consumers about what is being served and the brewery where it was crafted. The growth of these venues is intriguing because instead of dividing up the existing faction of beer enthusiasts, the base seems to be growing. I predict we are not seeing the pinnacle in 2011, but we are merely in the upward segment of the craft beer popularity bell curve. More or less, this prediction is literally almost virtually scientific law. Fact.

Day 4
May 19, 2011
Uinta Brewing Cockeyed Cooper (Salt Lake City, UT)
Bottled 03/23/11

Website/Bottle Information:
"Launch into the exquisite flavors of bourbon with splashes of vanilla. Watch for currents of dark chocolate and dried fruit. Generous amounts of hops and malts make for a smooth journey from start to finish. Decadent desserts and aged cheeses make superb companions."

Serving: 750 mL bottle
Style: American Barleywine
ABV: 11.1%

He Said:
This bottle came by way of a Beer of the Month club, which like a craft beer bar is another great way to try beers not available at your local beer merchant. I've never tried any beers from Uinta, and to be honest I've never really noticed the brewery until I researched it for our United States of Beer Project (Uinta finished #2 in Utah to the Utah Brewers Cooperative).

The packaging on this beer is awesome. The label was designed by a local artist, and the 750 mL bottle even has a punt!

The barrel aging is quite evident on the nose, as are sweet and hop notes that are expected in a 11.1% ABV barleywine. Cockeyed Cooper was aged for six months in Heaven Hill rye bourbon barrels. Judging from the taste, six months may have been a little too long, but I'm not complaining. The front end of each sip is very oak-y; almost drowning out the typical sweetness of a barleywine and masking most of the beer's malt and yeast flavors (until the beer got closer to room temperature). The finish was very hoppy. A transition from intense wood to intense hops proved to be somewhat challenging to the palate.

Despite these nit picks, I still enjoyed this unique offering. Cockeyed Cooper is a great example of how American brewers are continuing to explore the boundaries of what the industry considers "craft."

She Said:
Aroma - Chocolate
Look - Head was minimal, white, and creamy. The color was translucent chocolate with a red tint.
Taste - The first taste is bitter and carbonated that almost over-powers anything else. The finish is drier than expected with cigar notes (dark and bitter). Overall there is a chocolatey taste to the beer. The booziness of the beer burns going down and left me with a dry mouth feeling.

Cockeyed Cooper is not my favorite. I feel like I sucked on a lot of bark (not that I've ever done that).