Not everyone will react the same way to the many situations and complex issues the pandemic has created. It’s not possible to even know all the issues everyone faces. But we can talk about general coping strategies. But for those coping strategies to be helpful, they need to fit with your personality style.

Not everyone will benefit from the same coping strategies. A big part of the way you respond will be based on your personality style and your personality style will also determine the best coping strategies for you. So what is your personality style? Two basic, underlying personality styles have been identified by researchers: One is under-controlled (UC) and the other is over controlled (OC).

If you are under controlled, you tend to be impulsive, spontaneous, and a risk-taker. You crave novel experiences; like to do new things. You tend to see the big picture in life, may overlook details, and seek out pleasurable experiences or look for ways to feel good. You express your feelings in big ways, sometimes ways that others may not understand. Emotions play a part in the decisions that you make.

So what coping skills will be helpful for you?  When you are under controlled,  the idea is to help increase the control you have over emotions and actions.  Here are some suggestions:

1. Use the STOP skill.  First, stop. Don’t act, don’t make any decisions when you are emotional. When you are under controlled, your emotions can take over and that can mean that sometimes your decisions are not good ones for you. So wait. Put a pause between you and action.

Take a step back means to step back from the situation and soothe yourself or get in touch with your        wise mind.  Get out of the situation if possible. Take time and get some distance from the situation. Taking a step back can mean really looking at the emotions that you are feeling and what is important to you.

Observe.  What are the facts?  What are the possible consequences of taking the action you are considering?  Are you making assumptions?  Check out what is true and real.

Proceed mindfully.  Mindfully includes doing what is effective, being one-mindful, being nonjudgmental,  and participating fully.

     2. Identify what you are feeling. Label it.  When you have big emotions, labeling them helps you know what to do and also puts a brake on them. Just the act of labeling your emotions can help you be more in control.  For example, sometimes when people are scared, they react with anger. But the anger is not really the issue, the fear is what they are actin on. If you correctly label the fear, then you can deal with the fear. If you try to deal with anger when you are actually afraid, it is not as effective.

3.  What can you change and what do you need to accept?  Are you being willful?  Trying to problem solve when it’s something that can’t be solved creates anxiety. It’s like trying to control something that you can’t control. So deciding what you can problem solve and what you need to accept (though maybe you don’t want to) is an important step.

4.  Radical Acceptance of what you can’t change. For what you can’t change, practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with whatever it is that you have to accept, just that you are acknowledging it is real. For example, you may hate that you cannot go to work or go to visit your friends. But if going to work or visiting your friends is not in keeping with the current mandates, then acceptance just means that you acknowledge the reality and that you aren’t going to fight against it. Fighting against reality is like trying to change the way the river flows, and it creates suffering. When you acknowledge reality, you may feel sad. That’s often part of acceptance. And it still doesn’t mean that you agree or that you necessarily think it is right.

 5.  Self soothe.  Find ways to distract yourself by playing games, reading, being creative, listening to music, and more. Use activities that engage the 5 senses to help calm yourself. If faith is important to you, turn to your faith. Try to find the meaning and/or silver lining in what you are going through. Is there anything that you have learned by going through this experience?  Can you find safe ways to connect with friends and others so you don’t feel alone?

We will get through this. In the meantime, work at managing your emotions so you don’t take actions that make the situation worse for you.

More About Coronavirus: Psych Central Coronavirus Resource

Do you believe that other people/events are responsible for the way you feel? I mean, when people do things that really upset you, do you see it as their fault that you react the way you do? That girl in high school who stole your boyfriend? Do you believe it’s her fault that you’re still single? Your boss not giving you credit for work you did?  Maybe you see him as responsible for your angry outburst to his boss. Your friend saying you embarrass her by talking too loudly in restaurants? It’s her fault you are upset because she’s so critical and mean to you. When you pout, is it your spouse’s fault because he doesn’t listen to you?

When you act on your emotions, you may see that as the “fault” or responsibility of the person who upset you. When you say, “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t. ______,” then you are likely not taking responsibility for your actions and emotions. For example, if you are angry that Jake wrecked your car, you may see it as his fault that you hit him. When your friend tells your spouse you weren’t at the garden club meeting, you may see it as your friend’s fault that your husband is angry with you. After all, if she hadn’t told him he wouldn’t be angry, right?

In general, though others may have contributed to the way you feel, your decisions and your emotional reactions are your responsibility. So your daughter tells you that you are the worst mother in the world. That’s tough. She’s responsible for her words, but your behavior is your responsibility. You may feel sad. That’s understandable. But going to bed and staying there because you are sad is your responsibility. Losing your job because you missed work or couldn’t concentrate is your responsibility. It’s your responsibility how you cope and your choice about how to react to the situation.

What do you do when someone says something that is hurtful? One option is to consider, is there anything I can learn from this?  For example, if someone says that you need to talk more quietly in restaurants, that can be hurtful.  Even though the person may not have expressed herself well, evaluate the feedback. Is there any truth at all in what she said? Do you talk loudly? Or is your friend just uncomfortable with a normal voice tone–maybe she tends to talk in a whisper and to her anything else is yelling. Is there anything to learn from her feedback?

Another part of taking responsibility is coping with what is said. Of course you may be sad, hurt, and/or angry if your daughter you are the worst mother in the world. It’s a harsh thing to say. How you act on your emotions though is your responsibility. It’s not her fault if you break all your dishes or throw her clothes out the window.

Maybe you are a person who starts to berate yourself. If your boss criticizes your work, maybe you lash out at yourself, calling yourself “stupid,” or others names. That’s actually not taking responsibility either. You may be hurt, but taking responsibility is saying, “You’re right, I’ll work on that,” or “I’m not sure I see what you’re saying,” or “Thanks for the feedback and I’ll think it through how I can improve in the future.”

Coping may mean learning how to experience the emotions without acting on them. Learning to soothe yourself can help. You probably have ways of self-soothing that work for you but you may not think of them when you are upset about something that someone else did or said. Listening to music, exercise, deep breathing and having smells you enjoy are all ways that can help you manage difficult emotions, even when other people may have triggered them!

For example, do you have a routine that you’ve been following like forever?  Maybe the rule is that you have bacon and eggs for breakfast. That’s fine as long as you make sure you have bacon and eggs in the fridge. But what if you don’t get to the grocery store? Or maybe you are traveling and bacon and eggs are not available. Do you adjust easily?  Or maybe you are upset and refuse to eat and/or maybe you are irritable the rest of the day and grump at your friends.

Maybe you have a rule about being on time. That rule says that it is rude and irresponsible to be late. So you leave for appointments in plenty of time. Imagine that as you are walking out the door for a meeting  the child next door pulls on your jacket, saying that she has lost her dog. She wants you to help her and her mother look for the dog. Do you keep your rule about not being late and rush away, giving the child a brief explanation?

Do you have rules about your schedule?  Maybe you do the same things at the same time every day.  Does it anger you when someone wants you to sit in on a conference call and it’s time for your lunch? If company comes by to chat and it’s time for your walk, do you fume inside or become anxious?  Do you leave parties in order to get home in time for your bedtime?

Sometimes, when you have rigid rules about life you may apply those rules to others. If you make it a priority to never be late, do you judge others when they are late, even a few minutes? Maybe you have a rule about not dropping in on people without being invited. Then you find a friend who loves spontaneous visits. Others are talking at work about the good times they had at her house and you feel left out and lonely.

Maybe you have a rule that if you invite others to go to dinner, then you have to pay. That means you rarely invite others to go out to eat and if you do, you limit it to one or two. You may again feel left out when you hear about groups of people going for pizza or you resent it when you are invited to go but the tab is dutch treat.

You might be a person who has rules about asking for what you want. Do you believe it’s wrong to ask others to go to a certain restaurant or movie? Do you believe you should go along with the group and whatever they want to do? Do you believe it is wrong to tell someone that you don’t want to go to a sports event they have invited you to?

Routines and rules can help decrease the number of decisions we have to make each day and thus help us conserve mental energy. But routines can become a way of being stuck and ineffective.  It can become a way of being constantly busy but not doing anything that you really want to do. Sticking rigidly to rules can mean you not having much fun and sometimes building resentments toward others.

Think about the rules that you have about life. Sometimes those rules are helpful and sometimes not. Questioning those rules instead of just following can be the first step.  So is today a day that calls for routine?  Do you need to conserve energy?  Or do you need to shake things up a little and create some interest and variability?  Flexible responding can mean doing something new and different. It doesn’t have to be a huge, big change. It could be as simple as eating something different for lunch or doing something you don’t usually do. It can mean changing the way you spend your days so it matches your needs and your stage in life.

Consider the rules you have for your life and behavior. Do they serve you well? Are you flexible with those “rules” when the situation calls for it?

Sometimes the simple things, activities that have been part of people’s lives for many years, are also the most important. It’s like choosing to eat dessert last, you know? I can remember as a child thinking that when I grew up I would eat dessert all the time. For a while I did eat dessert frequently and chose it instead of veggies and whole grains. Ice cream, chocolate pie, and cheesecake all sounded so much more appealing than green beans. Desserts tasted so good! Others must have thought the same because sugar has been added to most of the foods we eat. But even though we can create sugar filled foods (even vegetable dishes can contain sugar these days) that doesn’t mean it is good for me. There was wisdom in making dessert a treat, something you eat occasionally after eating the food your body needs. Too much sugar is not good for the brain or the body in the long run.

That brings up going for a walk. Not running or jogging to break records and timing each segment to set your pace. There’s nothing wrong with that type of exercise, it’s just that going for a walk is different. Going for a walk is about exercise, I don’t mean that it’s not.  It burns calories, can lower your blood pressure, boosts immune function, boosts your mood and lowers your blood sugar. Walking at a fast pace can hep extend your life. But there’s so much more involved in going for a walk.

Going for a walk could be adding pleasure to your life as well (an emotion regulation skill). Enjoy your walk. Breathe. Take in the joy of being on a walk with your pet or just on a walk to take in the amazing world of nature. Sounds of nature, sights of nature, sounds of music–all can be pleasurable. If you walk in the city, there’s so much to see and observe. You add interest and novelty, which are also mood enhancing.

Go for a walk with a friend or a family member.  You are adding another aspect of mental and physical health. Walking together with someone else gives you an opportunity to just be with that person, free from distractions of electronics and tasks that need to be done. You can also be mindful of others on your walk and greet them. Connecting with others is part of living with contentment.

Ah, add mindfulness! When you are walking mindfully, you are in the present moment. You are  mindful of the person you are with and what they are telling you. You can listen mindfully, without judgement and in a way that builds your relationship (effectively).  You can also be mindful of your surroundings. Choose a walk in a park or gardens or in an interesting area of town. Walking in this way can be soothing and calming, reducing your stress.

Going for a walk isn’t a fancy new development. Yet going for walks consistently, something that many used to do, can make a difference in your life.

Among the people you know, who would you say shows all his emotions on his face? You know exactly what he’s thinking, how he feels about what you just suggested and whether he agrees with you. He smiles, laughs, frowns, looks skeptical, roll his eyes and more. He shares his thoughts too. He tells you when he disagrees with you, when you hurt his feelings, and when he thinks you’ve being ridiculous.  His facial expressions and body language match what he feels and thinks.

Now who among the people you know is the opposite? Who covers up her feelings, hides her reactions, and doesn’t show her emotions?  She may give her opinion freely (or always nod and seem to agree) but you really can’t get a sense of how she feels.

Which person do you feel closer to? Which person do you trust more?  Which person do you feel a bit tense around and who do you feel more laid back with?

Research into the way people make connections shows that social signaling is one of the most important factors in forming relationships. A social signal is any action or overt behavior, regardless of its form, its intent, or the performer’s awareness, that is carried out in the presence of another person (Lynch, 2018).  Social signals evolved  to help humans communicate and bond, to work together in tribes and help assure our survival in a world where humans did not have size or claws on their side. . Social signals could quickly signal cooperation, friendliness or aggressiveness.

Because social signals evolved to help humans survive, when social signals are unclear, don’t seem authentic, or don’t match the context, those signals are interpreted as a threat. If you’re in the company of someone who is smiling in an inauthentic way while telling you he just lost his job, you will likely react by wanting to get away from that person. Your gut will react, telling you something is up. You don’t trust the person. If you meet someone who has no expression on his face at all, a flat-face, you’ll also likely be uncomfortable. When social signals are unclear, the brain leans toward interpreting that as a threat or aggression. You are likely to see a flat-face as anger.

Very many reasons, some people may attempt to hide the way they feel. When they’re hurt or upset, they put a smile on their face and cover up the pain. Many emotionally sensitive people, who’ve repeatedly been told there are too sensitive and over-react, may hide their emotions to avoid criticism. Many hide their emotions to avoid rejection. The problem is that hiding emotions is more likely to lead to rejection than the honest expression of emotions.

In fact, if you want to connect with others, the honest and open expression of emotions may be the key. According to Lynch’s research, open and honest expression of emotions leads to trust and that leads to connection.

So if you’ve worked hard to have a poker face, you may want to be sure that poker face is only for when you’re playing cards or when the context calls for a good bluff. If you want to be part of the group and connected with others, expressing those emotions and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is the way to go.

Perceptual bias is an experience that we all have.  It means that we are biased against or for something based on what we see, touch, smell, taste or hear.  It’s the lens that we automatically filter all our experiences through. Rarely do we see just the facts. Our beliefs, history and fears influence the way we see the world.

One common bias is called Defensive Attribution Bias.  This means that we tend to attribute a cause to events. We usually do this when something unfortunate happens.  It can be uncomfortable to think that events happen by chance or by accident.  If things happen by chance then bad things could happen to us at any time. Who wants to walk around with that idea? So we search for a cause, an explanation for why these misfortunes occur. If there’s a cause, then that means it’s less likely to happen to us for no reason. So we worry less.

We search for causes and sometimes that becomes blame. Imagine that you pass an accident on the freeway. It’s a bad one. You may think, “The driver was drunk.”  That would be an explanation that could protect you–if you don’t drink while driving, then it won’t happen to you. Maybe your friend’s husband divorces her. You may think that she spent too much time at work and ignore him, and for that reason he left.

Defensive Attribution can also be what’s called self-handicapping. This is when you protect your self-esteem from taking a hit by getting in your own way. Imagine that you have an important presentation at work on Tuesday.  Monday night you celebrate your friend’s birthday.  You’re out late and don’t feel well the next day. You can blame not doing a good presentation on being out late Monday night and having some hangover symptoms. In this way you have an excuse–it’s not really your work that wasn’t up to expectations. If you don’t do your best on a job application, then you weren’t really rejected–it was because of the way you completed the application.

Sometimes not seeing the truth as it is or distorting facts doesn’t have negative consequences.  Sometimes it does. Searching for a cause can be damaging if the cause of problems is seen as being other people or groups of people. And self-handicapping can be a problem if you do it repeatedly and never give yourself a chance to succeed.

Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash

Are you a serious person?  Do you have overly-serious coping?  What does that even mean? A dictionary definition of serious is showing deep thought, not joking, or a situation that requires careful thought. An example of serious is wearing a full suit to a casual dinner; serious attire. An example of serious is a person who doesn’t smile or laugh easily; serious person.

Of course there’s a time to be serious. But there are also times to be playful and teasing. It’s all about context and being flexible. Being overly-serious is like the person who wears a shirt and tie to the backyard barbecue. Sometimes it can make others uncomfortable and the research shows that being able to play and laugh is important for relationships and for coping well.

Being too serious can come from catastrophic thinking, or fearfulness. For some, it comes from being (perhaps unknowingly) on guard. What if you say the wrong thing or hurt someone’s feelings? You cope with worry and concerns and fears by having a serious view of life and what could go wrong.

For others, it’s just the way they live their life. They see life in serious ways.It’s true of course that life has many serious, difficult experiences.So perhaps playfulness and teasing may seem confusing or you don’t see the point. Maybe you don’t get how you are being overly-serious.

One of the ways of being too serious is hearing what others say literally. Imagine that I tell someone, “I love your hair that way!” with lots of enthusiasm. He responds, “So you hated it the other way?”  I take him seriously and start apologizing. “No,no, it looked good the other way too, I just prefer this style.”  Nothing wrong with that response, unless I over-apologize and become flustered. The truth is he is playing with me. I’m responding in all seriousness. How much more fun if I responded with a smile, “Yeah, I’ve been wondering for years when you would change that hairstyle.” Now we’re playing, enjoying the exchange. The mundane interchange is spiced with humor. (Okay, sometimes teasing can fall flat. That’s awkward, but it can be managed.)

Why tease? Teasing is a way of showing someone you like them. It adds fun to the interaction.  Teasing is kind–if it’s not kind, has an edge, then it’s something else, not playing.

Overly-serious coping can mean that you are task-oriented to a fault. You focus on getting a job done. No messing around and wasting time. When moving for example, you focus on all those boxes. The mess!  Unpacking, getting rid of the mess, and being able to function in your home is a top priority. You don’t want to “waste time” by playing around. When friends or your spouse puts on a Micky Mouse hat that was in one of the boxes and starts to sing, you smile and keep working. You don’t take a second to laugh with him or sing along.

What about work tasks? Is there a manual to be written?  Dishes to be done? Then buckle down and do it. Teasing and joking around is “wasting time.”  If others are goofing off, you’re impatient.  You could be finished so much faster if everyone just focused on the task.  Work first, play later, right?

Hmmm, not so much.  Turns out that playing around makes work more fun.  The time goes faster and you feel better while you’re doing the work. It’s not so grueling.  Over- seriousness adds to the tediousness or drudgery of the task, not only for yourself but for everyone else. Playing around can take only minutes, but adds relaxation, fun and friendliness to the situation.

Playful teasing, goofing off, and finding things to laugh about are part of  how people bond and adds joy to the day and routine tasks.. Putting on a Christmas hat you’ve unpacked in July and sing a Christmas carol? It’s all in good fun. It’s also one of those things you can choose to laugh at…or not. Sometimes having fun is a choice to pay attention to small, amusing things that happen.

When the dog climbs on those moving boxes, seemingly to keep you from carrying them to the truck, you could grumble and fuss (after all, you’re probably tired) or you could laugh or smile at their antics.

It’s a dialectic. There’s probably a long list of things to be serious about and at the same time there are small things we can notice for smiles and laughs. Doing so adds to your coping skills.

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Photo by Timothy Barlin on Unsplash

Mickey Mouse Hat Photo by Leighann Renee on Unsplash

The definition of envy is a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. To put it more personally, you really resent the heck out of someone else because you want what they have. Sometimes it seems so completely unfair that someone got a promotion, inheritance, recognition, has great hair, or possesses another desirable trait, gift, or thing that would mean a lot to you. You really  want it and you don’t have it You’re filled with envy and your brain is filled with revenge thoughts. But you can’t tell anyone. What would they think of you?

Envy is often an emotion  that people keep secret. It can lead to urges to get back at the other person, ruminate about the unfairness of the situation and think about how much you hate the other person, and  can lead to actions that cause the other person misfortune. That may be especially true if it seems the person is rubbing in their good fortune. Envy is not usually something people are proud of, but it’s something we all feel at times.

Tom Lynch, Ph.D.addresses envy as part of Radically Open DBT. He distinguishes between helpful and unhelpful envy. Unhelpful envy is a painful blend of two emotions: shame and anger. You compare yourself unfavorably to others. When you are envious, you are aware that other people probably won’t agree with your perception of unfairness. (Resentment is different. Resentment is when you are more likely to believe that others will publicly validate your view of unfairness.)

Unhelpful envy can lead you to ruminate or even act on resentful urges. You want to get secret revenge (or maybe not so secret).. Getting revenge can be what might drive someone to key a new car or to drop complaints or criticisms about a co-worker who is being praised for his work. You might discourage a new partner in a relationship that he is excited about. When you’ve got unhelpful  envy, you may take secret pleasure in the other person failing in some way, or in having misfortunes occur.You know what I mean.

Helpful envy is about admiration and appreciation of another person who is similar to you. When you notice that you are envious of what someone else has, you decide to work on creating something similar for yourself. What you envy in someone else can be a clue to goals that are important to you. It can be motivating. For example,  if your sister is able to dance like she trained on Dancing with the Stars, you might want to learn to dance yourself. If you admire someone’s physical fitness, oratory skills, friendships, or travel experiences, maybe those are values that you have and would want to act on.

If you are experiencing unhelpful envy, try using the skill of opposite action. Lynch suggests that  instead of acting on hate and the wish to attack, go opposite. Acknowledge that you are experience ing unhelpful envy and then admit it  and decide whether you want to change it. If you do want to change it, first recognize the specific envious thoughts and urges you have, then go opposite. For example, practice being kind and nonjudgmental to the other person instead of thinking horrible thoughts about them, Block any revenge fantasies. Reveal your envy to someone you trust. Consider turning unhelpful envy into adoration and admiration. Celebrate the person’s success, reminding yourself it doesn’t take anything away from you and is not a judgement of you. Reward yourself for living according to your values.

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Interested in emotional sensitivity? Listen to the Emotionally Sensitive Person Podcast here.  

Perfectionism is defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary as “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.  Me, a perfectionist?  No way. I don’t even come close. You’ve seen the unfinished sentences and typos in my posts.  I can send out three emails on the same subject one after the other because instead of planning what I wanted to say I kept hitting send after one thought. I have a reputation for wearing gym clothes wrong side out when I dress early in the AM. Does that sound like I’m striving for perfection?

In my mind, I’m so far from doing tasks perfectly that I didn’t even consider being perfectionistic.  There are definitely people who won’t stop until they have perfection. That’s not me. But over the past year though I’ve learned that I am a perfectionist in other ways.  I wonder if many emotionally sensitive people are perfectionists and don’t realize it. Here are some ways to notice sneaky perfectionism

     1.   You always criticize what you do.  Even when others are congratulating you, you’re thinking about how you could have improved whatever task you completed.  You notice what went wrong to the point it doesn’t even matter what went right. The pie crust is flaky and flavorful (wait for it, here it comes) but it shrunk a bit when you baked it. The talk was received well and the points were clear (wait….) BUT you left out a part that you really wanted to emphasize. Perfectionism can be when you don’t let what you (or others)  do be good enough.

2.  You  minimize your accomplishments.  If you find yourself saying, “It wasn’t that hard,” “Other have done a lot more,” or   “It’s not a big deal,” and you truly mean it, then you may be minimizing what you’ve done. If you write a blog, you compare yourself to people who have a million followers or people who have written books. You sew a suit and then minimize it by saying, “It’s just homemade, you can see how some of the seams aren’t straight.” Others have done more, done it faster or better, or in some way that makes your accomplishment less meaningful.  In hindsight, many accomplishments may not seem as difficult as they might look to someone who hasn’t completed it yet. See how you are making what you did “less than?”  It’s another way of finding yourself not good enough because someone has always done more or done it faster.

 3.  You hide what you do because it’s not good enough. You paint but don’t show your work to anyone. You don’t turn in assignments and don’t speak up at the office because you don’t want to be wrong. You don’t voice your opinion when it’s different from others because you don’t really know enough to be certain about your thoughts.

4.  You are never satisfied with yourself.  You are either too heavy  or too thin, or your clothes don’t fit right, or your hair needs trimming, or you are overdressed, etc. etc.

Do any of these fit you? Perfectionism is often part of low self-confidence and being discontent with your life. You may be perfectionistic in only one area or more than one. If you recognize the characteristics in yourself, maybe it’s time to practice letting yourself and what you do be good enough and celebrate your accomplishments. Give it some thought.

Are you the type of person who apologizes multiple times a day or even before your second cup of coffee?

Do you apologize to a chair if you bump into it (I’ve done that!) or apologize for winning a race or getting a promotion? Do you apologize because you bought the last copy of a book someone else wanted or because someone bumped into you (Excuse me for being in the way of your mad dash to get to the coffee)?

Apologizing can be a dialectic. It can be great and it can be not so great.

Apologizing when indicated, when the offense warrants an apology, is part of living in a kind and considerate way. We can use more kindness in the world. It’s part of being a polite resident of the planet who respects other people. Apologizing when necessary can build and maintain relationships.

On the other hand, apologizing when it’s not indicated may not be so helpful. If you spend your day saying, “I’m sorry,” what do you imagine the results will be?

Think about someone you know who sees herself or himself at fault for all mishaps, such as the restaurant not getting your order correct. “I’m sorry you didn’t get the steak you ordered.”

I imagine that for some it’s a choice of words and what they really mean is, “What a bummer.” But words are powerful. If you apologize for all things that go wrong in your general vicinity, then you are essentially lowering your self-confidence. It’s like looking for ways that you are “less than” and perhaps unconsciously gathering evidence to support a negative view of yourself.

Another possibility to consider is that you may be, unconsciously, looking for reassurance that someone isn’t upset with you. Perhaps upset that you have been successful. Maybe you want to be liked by others and thus are apologizing to be accommodating, to put them first, and perhaps be submissive (not a threat in any way to anyone). Trying to not be a “threat” is a way of saying, “please be my friend” (keep me in the tribe). Think what message that stance actually conveys to others and to yourself.

If you over-apologize, perhaps you are evaluating too many situations as being offensive. It’s probably no surprise that men apologize less than women. Researchers found that men see fewer situations as needing an apology. Women apologized more and found many more situations as warranting an apology. Be mindful of whether an apology is truly indicated.

Another idea is to consider whether “I’m sorry” is really what you want to communicate. Maybe you want to say thank you. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I’m so disorganized,” you might say, “Thank you for helping me find my papers.” Yao Xiao created a cartoon that shows the many ways you might be saying “sorry” when you really mean thank you. Perhaps you want to communicate congratulations. Instead of saying “I’m sorry you didn’t win,” you might say, “Congrats on completing the race.”

Finally, you might consider if your over-apologizing is an effort to be liked. In my experience it doesn’t work well in terms of enhancing relationships, so consider if it is truly a behavior that is working for you.

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The results of the study on emotional sensitivity have been published. My sincere thanks to everyone who participated in this study. This is the first study of the ways emotional sensitivity affects individuals and it couldn’t have been completed without your contributions.

If you live in the Houston area, we will be holding a DBT training starting October 12. Please contact Anjel  (anjel@dbtcenterhouston.com) if you are interested. Also, I will be giving a brief overview of RO DBT at the NAPPP conference in March 2019, and would love to see you there.

Photo by Toa Heftiba