"No Divorce for YOU!"

What’s worse than getting a divorce?

Maybe not having the right to do so…

Surely by now you have heard of the landmark decision, Goodridge v. Department of Public Health, in which Massachusetts became the first state to allow all same-sex couples to marry.  In 2008, the right to marry in Massachusetts was extended to same sex couples living outside of Massachusetts as well.  With the advent of same-sex marriage comes, unfortunately, same-sex divorce.  In fact, we have seen a rise recently in the number of same sex couples filing for divorce in Massachusetts.

This is all fine and well for Massachusetts residents who have the benefit of statutes regulating the division of property, alimony, child custody and child support in this state.  But what about the couples who cross state lines to get married and then return to their state where gay marriage is not recognized? What if they later decide to divorce?  Until recently, they had only two options (neither is good):

1. Move to a state where gay marriage is recognized.  Live there long enough to satisfy the state’s residency requirement. Then file for divorce; or
2. Stay unhappily married. Forever.

Couldn’t divorce just be as easy as bringing soup back to the deli?  If only you could just return your marriage license (get the fee back), grab your marriage certificate from the city clerk (keep the wedding gifts) and be on your merry way.

As you can imagine, states who do not recognize gay marriage have started to deal with this issue in unpredictable ways.  Most states simply do not allow same sex couples to divorce.  In a pending Texas case, Travis County district judge granted a lesbian couple’s divorce (interestingly, the couple married in Massachusetts years earlier) only to have the Texas Attorney General jump in and attempt to appeal the decisions.

Hope for divorcing same-sex couple comes from two recent New York Supreme Court cases, where couples who were married in Massachusetts were allowed to divorce in New York.

For those of you who are fellow residents of the Commonwealth, bet you never felt so lucky to have the right to divorce.

May you never exercise it…

Same Sex Divorce: Live in Massachusetts or Stay Married Forever? By: Carolyn Blake Dibbert, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

The Divorce Collaborative LLC of Medway and Attleboro Massachusetts is pleased to introduce our colleague and guest blogger,  Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP.  Betsy is a Massachusetts divorce coach and a member of the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council.  Betsy’s expertise in collaborative divorce coaching, couples/family therapy, and group dynamics helps her to assist clients in emotionally managing the difficult feelings associated with divorce, establish healthy co-parenting skills, and plan for a better life going forward.  Betsy has offices in Stoughton and Sharon, MA.

What can you do to minimize the negative effects of divorce on your children and your family life?

Helping children through divorce should be every parent's priority

Here are the top-tips to keep your children healthy and safe.

Tell the truth in an age appropriate fashion. No need to go into details but let your kids know what is really happening.  Sometimes we try to protect them by not telling them what is happening or about to happen. Doing so will only confuse and worry them if they already suspect that something is wrong.  Kids are very smart and can sense when family life is not OK.  Let them know, as simply as possible, what is going on and what they can expect.

Listen to your children’s concerns. At times we assume that if our children aren’t saying anything, then things must be all right.  This is not always the case.  Sometimes we need to give our children permission to say what is upsetting or worrying them, even if it hurts for us to hear it.  Everyone in the family is and will continue to be effected by the state of your marriage.  Give them a chance to share with you how it is effecting them and what their concerns are.  It will help them to have permission to say how they feel rather than suffer in silence.

Do not discuss your spouse’s flaws with your children. You are talking about your child’s other parent whom they love no matter what!  If you put them in a position where they have to listen to your negative thoughts or feelings about their other parent, you are forcing them to feel disloyal just for listening and hurting their relationship with their parent.  No adult has the right to sabotage a child’s relationship with their parent no matter what!  Trying to get your children to take sides in a divorce is cruel and will ultimately hurt your relationship with them.

Make sure your children have their own space at both parents’ homes. It doesn’t have to be a separate room.  Even if it’s just in the corner of a room, there should be a place for them, that is exclusively theirs, in each residence.  Set up some shelves, a bureau, a bookcase…whatever will help your children to feel at home in both places.   This is where they live no so don’t make them feel like visitors.

Remember that your child is not your best friend, confidant, or therapist. No matter how old or sophisticated your child is, they are not equipped emotionally to hear your deep dark thoughts about your marriage, your spouse, your life, or your problems.  They are your children.  They need to be allowed to be themselves with their own concerns and remain as unburdened by your mistakes and difficulties as possible.

Tell your children (repeatedly) that the divorce isn’t their fault. Believe it or not, children often blame themselves for what happens, even for your divorce.  They may actually think that if they had been better at cleaning their room, getting A’s, behaving better, etc. then it wouldn’t have happened.  It is your duty to repeatedly remind them that they had nothing at all to do with your divorce.  It’s never a child’s fault.

Learn to control yourself around your soon to be ex-spouse. Your children have undoubtedly had their fill of listening to the two of you yell and bicker.  Enough.  Someone has to act like an adult and take the high road.  It might as well be you.  Don’t say it, bite your tongue, turn the other cheek, walk away…whatever works to keep your children from being exposed to even more fighting between the two of you.  Behave yourself when your former spouse is present or on the phone.  Be polite and courteous and always remember that your children are watching and listening to what you do.

Don’t just give up and accept whatever is being offered. While you may be feeling guilty and just want to get it over by agreeing to more than you should, resist!  You need to make sure that what you agree to will help you to create a new life for yourself going forward.  If you take care of your needs, within reason, you will be better able to take care of your children’s needs too.

Get help for yourself and your kids. You may need a counselor or coach to talk with.  Your children may need a counselor or coach to talk with.  You all may be experiencing emotional stress and duress in the form of stomachaches, headaches, sleeplessness, exhaustion, anxiety, depression, nausea, etc.  Talk to your family doctor, a therapist, coach, pastor, etc. about what you can do to get help.

Helping Children Through Divorce, by Divorce Coach Betsy Ross, LICSW, CGP is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

If someone casually approached you at the mall and asked you if you preferred dispute resolution or conflict resolution, how might you answer?

Probably something like “get away from me you big weirdo!”

It is an interesting question however, and one I never quite considered in the way described in an interesting article by Seattle, WA collaborative divorce lawyer J. Mark Weiss concerning the differences between dispute resolution and conflict resolution.  The article, posted on Mark’s blog, is a reminder about the differences between just getting through your divorce, versus actually resolving some of the underlying conflict and learning to manage conflict going forward in a better way.

The article discusses another positive aspect of divorce mediation or collaborative divorce for couples – whether they reside in Seattle or the Medfield or Franklin, MA area.  As explained nicely by Attorney Weiss, divorcing couples that have a traditional court-based divorce may be setting themselves up for additional post-divorce conflict and continued court hearings; whereas couples that actually learn to resolve  conflict by taking advantage of divorce mediation or the collaborative divorce process are less likely to have trouble after the divorce is final.

Of course, the unfortunate instance can occur when one party sees the clear benefits of a less-adversarial process, yet his or her spouse is unwilling to consider such options.  In this situation, the case will have to go the way of the traditional litigation process.

At The Divorce Collaborative LLC of Medway, MA (with satellite offices to serve those in the Bedford and Attleboro, MA areas, we believe it is important to offer clients all three options when it is time to make the important decision as to what process should be utilized to complete a Massachusetts divorce, whether it is a contested divorce, divorce mediation, or a collaborative divorce.  If you are contemplating ending your marriage, it is best to have the discussion about what process to use with your spouse as early as possible.

It may save you a lot of stress and money and help protect your children during and after divorce.

Collaborative Divorce, Divorce Mediation Provides More Lasting Benefits, by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

The Divorce Collaborative LLC, a Medway, MA divorce and family law firm, is pleased to announce the addition of a satellite office in Attleboro, Massachusetts at 89 North Main Street, across from the Attleboro District Court.   Client meetings in Attleboro are by appointment only.

TDC serves many clients from Bristol County, and this second location will provide added convenience to clients in the Attleboro area facing divorce or post-divorce issues.  We would like to thank well-known  Attleboro attorney Daniel Blake for welcoming The Divorce Collaborative LLC to his building.

Our new satellite location at 89 North Main Street, Attleboro, MA

If you live in Attleboro or one of the nearby communities of Bristol County such as North Attleboro, Seekonk, Mansfield, Easton, Rehoboth, Dighton, Norton, Berkley, or Raynham, you will now have additional options when hiring a Bristol County divorce mediator, divorce lawyer, or an Attleboro area collaborative divorce attorney.   The Divorce Collaborative LLC is a forward-thinking law firm completely focused on divorce and family law.

TDC’s main office is situated in Norfolk County, yet our firm has close ties to Bristol County.  Attorney and Mediator Carolyn Dibbert is originally from Attleboro (and just so happens to be the daughter of Attorney Dan Blake) and our paralegal, Kristen Romero is from Berkley, MA.

To schedule your informative consultation in either the Medway or Attleboro location, please call (508) 533-3300.

Announcing Our Attleboro, MA Satellite Office by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I have yet to meet a client who is excited about paying lots of money for their Massachusetts divorce.  If you are one, please call me right away!

As consumers, we like to know how much something will cost.  It is difficult to plan otherwise.  Let’s compare divorce legal fees to another relatively unpleasant task – car shopping:

Chuck, a Car Shopper:   “So, how much will this car cost me?”

Salesperson:  ”Well, tough to say.  Could be $30,000.00.  But it could be a lot more.”

Chuck: “Why is that?”

Salesperson:  ”Well, there are a lot of variables.  I am not sure how much time it will take for me to talk with you, answer your questions,  arrange your financing, get your new registration, prep the car, blah, blah, blah.”

Chuck: “I just want to know how much it is going to cost.”

Salesperson:  ’We can get you into the car for $30,000;  then if we need more money from you we will ask you for it then.”

It is safe to say that the above scenario would not sit well with most of us.

So, why do people pay for their Massachusetts divorce in the same manner as in the example above?

That is the way it has always been done, some would say.

True – but that doesn’t mean it is the best idea.

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Fixed fees for legal services are not a new concept, yet they have been slow to catch on in most practice areas, including divorce, and frankly are not welcomed by many lawyers.

The Divorce Collaborative LLC in Medway, MA and Attleboro, MA provides options for clients when selecting the best process for their Massachusetts divorce, and a variety of fee arrangements.  For example, we provide couples a comprehensive divorce mediation program with a fixed fee as an option to traditional hourly billing. This option is quite popular with couples who understand the benefits of divorce mediation and the peace of mind a one-time, set fee provides. Our flat fee mediation program is unique and provides a high-level of service and features, including participation by an experienced divorce coach and/or certified divorce financial planner, detailed financial reports such as post-divorce, after-tax cash flow analysis, in addition to the not so helpful court financial form, and one on one guidance and support from an experienced mediator (who is also a lawyer) all along the way – for a reasonable fee of $6,000.00.

That is about what one person might pay (in the Medway and Medfield, MA areas for example)  a divorce attorney for a retainer in a court-based or collaborative divorce case – and again that is just the retainer and not the total expense.   While the Comprehensive Mediation Program is popular with many of our clients, divorce mediation itself may not be for everyone.

In an effort to provide additional choices and peace of mind to couples facing divorce,  we are pleased to now extend the flat fee option to those considering a Massachusetts Collaborative Divorce in Norfolk, Bristol, Middlesex, or Worcester counties. If you live in another county, additional travel charges may apply.

For more information on the collaborative divorce process, please see the posts and information on this site, or visit the International Association of Collaborative Professionals website.

For more details on our fixed fee collaborative divorce option, please call us at (508) 533-3300, or send an email to steve@divorcecollaborative.com.  The fee for the flat fee collaborative divorce is $7,500.00.

Reduce Your Massachusetts Divorce Legal Fees is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

I was watching television earlier  tonight  - on Valentine’s night as a matter of fact – and saw a commercial for BMW automobiles.  It was a fairly long spot during the olympics, right after I decided that I will never try skiing moguls. I don’t even think I would want to walk on them.  The announcer on the commercial mentioned that of course BMW makes cars, but what they really make is joy. The ad showed lots of pictures of happy people in BMWs.  I thought it was a good commercial, and then wondered as a divorce lawyer and mediator, what do we make at my firm?

I do not think the answer is that far off from BMW’s own conclusion.

Most people who walk through our office doors are not happy.  Clients are usually under a great deal of stress, and may feel as though their entire world is crashing down around them due to a divorce or continuing divorce-related conflict in the form of modifications or contempt hearings.  Some folks have been in unsatisfying or even unhealthy relationships for years.  Some people prefer to stay married, and are devastated their spouse has been unfaithful and/or wants to end the marriage.   I understand that I am not usually seeing people at the best time of their lives.  This of course is why many non-family law attorneys ask “Why do you want to do that?!” when I tell them my firm is limited to domestic relations.

Back to the commercial.

So, just what is it that we make at The Divorce Collaborative LLC?

I suppose we make a number of things. We may make people frustrated at times when they have to collect a lot of financial documents, or we may unfortunately add to the stress of an opposing spouse during a litigated case, although that is certainly not the intention.  We make some people relieved when their case is over and they are pleased with the end result and the process.

Most importantly, what I really think we make is opportunity.  The opportunity for a fresh start, whether emotionally, spiritually, or financially.  The opportunity for parents to connect with children in new, sometimes better ways.  By offering the options of mediation and collaborative divorce and not only divorce litigation, we make opportunities for couples to select a respectful and dignified divorce process, isolate children from conflict, and prepare for a new beginning.

Today, on Valentine’s Day, and every day, we help people transition out of relationships that are not satisfying or supporting, and provide the opportunity for a loving – and hopefully lasting –  relationship for the years ahead.  A relationship that encourages an individual to flourish and enjoy the magic that only a committed, loving relationship may bestow upon us.

That sounds a lot like joy to me.

What Do We Make? by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

When a divorcing spouse owns a business, several  factors must be examined as part of the distribution of the marital estate.  The type of business entity in question will obviously play a major role in how the business asset will be valued. One type of business that provides special challenges to an appraiser and the attorneys on the case is a professional practice, such as a medical practice or law firm.

A professional practice is considered by the court (at least here in Massachusetts) as subject to division as part of the marital estate during the divorce process. See Goldman v. Goldman, 28 Mass. App. Ct. 603, 613 (1990).

Although the confidential relationship between professionals and their clients must be protected, the amount of fees paid and accounts receivables due to the professional practice are not protected.  For example, a 1994 case found a lawyer in trouble for failing to disclose the value of a large number of potentially fee-producing cases in his own small law practice during his own divorce.

Discovery

It is important to collect information about a professional practice similar to any other owned  business during a divorce case, thus counsel for the non-business owning spouse will want to obtain items such as:

• Financial Statements for the business;
• Tax returns;
• List of assets owned by the practice, including equipment, accounts receivable, work in progress, automobiles, investments, and the value of goodwill the business has cultivated;
• Financial Records, including bank statements;
• Information about real estate owned by the practice;
• Information on life insurance polices insuring the lives of the principals or the practice;
• Copies of all partnership agreements or other corporate documents;
• Buy-Sell agreements between partners, if any.

Once the different assets belonging to the business are identified, they must be valued.  Tangible assets are normally valued at fair market value, while accounts receivables are discounted based upon their collectibility.  Any unbilled time must also be added to the balance sheet.  Patient or client files can also have a value, mainly to determine the number of ongoing clients.

Goodwill Hunting

Perhaps the most vexing issue relates to the determination of whether goodwill is present in the practice, and then how to establish its value if it in fact exists. Goodwill is the probability that clients will return to the same practice for future business.  Valuing goodwill is not a simple task, and factors ranging from the professional’s earning capacity and reputation in the community to the length of time the business has operated must be weighed.   Additionally, there are even different types of goodwill.

Enterprise goodwill relates to the intangible value in the form of profit that would be available to a prospective buyer.  This should be contrasted with personal goodwill, which is the total of numerous personal attributes, such as character, age, education, and performance that later develop into a professional reputation.  Personal goodwill is specific to an individual, so it cannot be transferred to a potential purchaser.

An expert business appraiser should examine these factors in detail,  a number of theories and formulas are employed to determine the value of goodwill. Professional business evaluations can quickly get expensive. There are many variables and subjective factors that can lead to disagreements and competing experts making the valuation of a professional practice a complicated part of property division during a Massachusetts divorce.

Valuation Issues Surrounding Professional Practices at Divorce, by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Well, first I would like to report that I have not been living in District 9 with the alien prawns or anything like that.  It has been quite sometime since my last post, and I apologize to my readers – both of them (just kidding).  Although not much blogging has been going on, plenty of other good stuff has been, including:

• The Divorce Collaborative LLC expanded in January, and has moved to the top floor of the Law & Financial Center at 77 Main St. in Medway, MA.  This is the same location we have been in, we just moved upstairs and have much more space.  Also, has anyone seen my stapler?
• I am pleased to report that Attorney Carolyn Blake Dibbert has joined the firm as an associate.  Carolyn has experience as a family mediator and substantial litigation experience in state and federal courts.  Carolyn graduated from St. Louis University School of Law and lives in Norwood, MA with her husband.
• Also joining the firm as a paralegal is Kristen L. Romero.  Kristen is a Magna Cum Laude graduate of the Isenberg School of Business Management at UMass Amherst, and completed the Northeastern University paralegal program.  Kristen will be working closely with Carolyn and me, and lending her expertise to other important projects at TDC.  Kristen lives in Berkley, MA.  I have no idea where that even is, but I am sure it is nice.

Soon, the complete bios and pictures will be on the site, so keep an eye out for more info on the recent personnel additions.

• With the expansion, TDC has continued to invest in technology and is proud to be a Mac using law firm.  We have added a new Mac server, and I will be busy the next couple of weeks reprogramming Kristen and Carolyn from Windows to the joys of Macs.  They will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.
• Watch out for our soon to be completely revamped Facebook Page.  Please consider becoming a fan.
• Since moving to Medway, MA we have been meeting more clients from Milford, MA; Bellingham, MA;  Medfield, MA; and Holliston, MA. We are happy to be able to serve clients from these and other communities throughout Norfolk, Middlesex, Worcester, and Bristol Counties.

Thanks for your continued readership of the blog, posts should be much more regular now that the move is completed.  Also, thanks so much to our clients who have been understanding since things have been a little hectic with the expansion.  With the new staff additions, TDC shall continue to provide the top-flight client service that is a cornerstone of the firm.  Now if I could just find my stapler.

Where’s Steve-O? by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative

Don't Get All Tangled Up Over the Holidays

The Holiday season is upon us.  Some people, like my mom for instance, love the holidays.  Decorating is a multi-week process and there are so many ornaments on the tree that she and my step-father must deploy a support cable attached to a nearby wall to help hold it up.  It is about what you would expect to see on a large suspension bridge. Between December 1st and the end of January (we have lots of January birthdays in the family) I estimate that my mother will host or attend (mostly host) somewhere in the area of 624 social events. Holiday music is clearly audible pre-Thanksgiving.

Not everyone loves this time of year of course.  It can be stressful and hectic, strain our finances, and make our clothes shrink.  I think that happens due to the lower temperatures effecting the fabric.  Yeah, that’s it.

For families involved in a divorce or for families that have already experienced a divorce, the holidays can be an especially difficult period.  Traditions are changed, time with your kids may be carved up like a turkey, and the logistics of moving kids around can feel like a military maneuver.   Most obviously, it can be a sad and even lonely time for some experiencing a feeling of loss due to a separation or divorce.

So, what can you do to help get through the holidays?  What is best for your kids? What should I get Steve for Christmas?   These are all important questions.  Remember, different things work for different families, so be flexible and keep lines of communication open.

1. First, stay away from fruitcake.  These things scare me, nobody really knows what is in them, and they can cause serious injury if you drop them on your foot.  Really, just say no to fruitcake.  Please don’t give them as gifts, not even to your ex.  Also, recent court decisions have held that making your kids eat fruit cake may be used as evidence of bad parenting.

2. Keep Things Simple. Try to be flexible in terms of scheduling parenting time and other events.  Your priority should really be what is best for the kids. Personally, I think splitting a day up between two households can be disruptive as everyone is watching the clock and anticipating having to go someplace else, but this plan may work out fine for some families.

3. If you will not be with your children at a special time, then call them.  If you will not see your children on Christmas morning, then call and wish them a fantastic day, tell them that you love them, and that you cannot wait to see them tomorrow or whenever you will be celebrating with them.  Try not to make them feel guilty by saying how you wish they could be with you instead.

4. Respect past traditions while starting new ones.  If while married the family always went to your in-laws house for Christmas Eve and the children enjoyed this tradition, then you may consider continuing it.  Yes, it can be hard if you are the parent that will not be at the festivities, but for younger children maintaining status quo is certainly worth considering.  You could then arrange special time with your children, perhaps even travel someplace and start a new tradition.  You could celebrate Festivus.

5. Santa is not the only one checking the naughty and nice list! Kids may not seem like they are paying attention, especially when we ask them to do something, but they are crafty little beings.  Kids are always evaluating things and learn from what we do, especially when we wish they were not listening or looking.  The manner in which you handle your relationship with your ex can provide valuable, life-long lessons to your children about respect and dealing with difficult situations.  It can also make you look like a jerk (not you, but some people). This may be the best gift you can give to your children.  They will no doubt prefer a cool video game, but you get the point.

6.  Surround yourself with friends, other family members. It is a good idea to spend time with friends or other relatives instead of isolating yourself.  You can also make new friends – just don’t introduce your kids to your new friend(s) on Christmas morning at breakfast.   Also, consider dressing up as an elf or a human dreidel and attending all holiday parties in character.

7.  Buy yourself something really cool.  Suggestions include a motorcycle, iPhone, Jewelry, MacBook Pro, iPhone, iPod, a lizard, clothes, nine ladies dancing or ten lords a leaping depending what floats your boat,  etc.  Anything but a fruit cake.

8. Get the flu or the Chicken Pox.  If you are like me and get a little worn out during the holidays or other days that end in “y” you could get the flu or the chicken pox.   I had both of these things during the holidays (different years) and I didn’t have to go to any holiday parties whatsoever.

9.  Be cooperative with your former spouse.  It can be helpful to discuss schedules and ideas for gifts for the children in advance (don’t want to duplicate efforts).  Make the holidays about peace and joy, not conflict and resentment.

10.  Late at night, sneak over to your ex’s place and build a large, anatomically correct snow statue of him or her in the yard.

Tips for Surviving the Holidays During and After Divorce by Steve McDonough, Esq. is a post from: The Divorce Collaborative