It has been said that the fundamental adult skill is deferred gratification.  Children who master this skill usually become successful adults, and those who don’t, don’t.

You’d be hard-pressed to discern this truth from any ad for any commercial product, since nearly everything is marketed on the basis of promising immediate gratification.  “There’s an app for that!”TM means “more instant gratification for you.” 

Instant gratification is, indeed, gratifying, but only for an instant, in the same way that eating a potato chip is gratifying.  It doesn’t last, and there are consequences. 

In the case of smartphones, texting, checking emails, IM’ing, and internet surfing, there are a few costs associated with the “convenience” and occasional pleasure of doing whatever you want whenever you want. This constant momentary checking taxes you in specific ways.

First, there are task-switching costs.  When you switch from one mental activity to another, there is a loss.  There is no such thing as “multitasking.”  It’s just task-switching – when you multitask, tasks take more time and have higher error rates. Here’s the research.

Second, seeking instant gratification actually makes you less happy:  it impedes development of fulfillment and associated feelings of satisfaction and well-being.  Fulfillment shows up when we have "flow," a term first identified by Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi as an experience of total engagement.  Flow occurs when we are so immersed in something that we don’t notice the passage of time.  Csikszentmihalyi explained that we can find flow by “doing great things, or doing everyday things with greatness.”  The ingredients to flow are:  (1) a high challenge; (2) skills matched to the challenge; and (3) constant feedback.  One of his findings is that people find more flow – and therefore more fulfillment – in work, rather than in leisure.  This is because work requires us to engage.  Instant gratification is pretty much the opposite of engagement.  Flow comes from challenge, not ease.  

Third, instant gratification is the opposite of mindfulness, which you might say is the one requirement for being content in life.  Mindfulness means being present – living, experiencing and relishing the present moment, rather than being distracted by other thoughts or feelings.  Mindfulness involves observing how the mind acts – when it gets bored, distracted, annoyed, fearful, etc – and is based on the idea that the mind is not you.  It’s part of you, but it’s not the whole you.  It’s the tool, not the master. Buddhism calls the urge to get out of the moment, to move to something else, whether good or bad, "The Monkey Mind."  The Monkey Mind is endlessly dissatisfied.  When you're having dinner with a friend or loved one and decide you need to check your phone, that's the Monkey Mind in action.   

Smartphones and their ilk are basically The Monkey Mind in physical form.  With their constant ringing, buzzing and urges to “check me! check me! check me!” they are a ceaseless force urging you to leave the present moment and do something else.  Your urge to check your smartphone feels like your real mind, but it's really your Monkey MInd.  The false message of the smartphone is:  “whatever reality you’re experiencing now is not as good as the reality I’m promising you.”  So in addition to your natural Monkey Mind, when you carry around and are a servant to your smartphone, you have created a second, outsourced Monkey Mind. 

Feel like slipping out of the moment and checking your device?  Gawker will just have another snarky, celebrity story, similar to a hundred others you’ve read. Facebook will have some updates, but nothing as real as the reality you're in. That email might be good or bad, but it’s just another email. 

Just as that additional potato chip is not really going to make you happier.  Just fatter, and experiencing a salty aftertaste. And setting up the urge to do it again in 30 seconds.  

One reason people do boring things for long periods of time is that they get paid for it.  We’re trained to make consistent, dutiful efforts when we have the right incentives.

Writing doesn’t have this incentive system.  You probably won’t get paid for what you are doing.  If you do, income will be so far down the way that it has no incentive effects.  Writing also lacks the normal positive feedback loops that work or even exercise has.  No one is patting you on the back and saying, “this stuff is amazing!” or even “thanks for taking care of photocopying those binders.” 

The one obvious feedback loop available to you – reading what you have written – should be avoided at all costs!  During the writing process, you can’t tell what is good and what’s not.  Maybe the Biblical story of Lot and his wife is actually about writing:  if you look back, you’ll be frozen into a pillar of salt and never finish that book or screenplay.  Writing requires constantly looking forward, not back. 

Here are four practices I use to writing done.

Have a regular place.  Pick a place where you can regularly do writing.  It doesn’t have to be perfect or inspirational.  For me it doesn’t even have to be all that quiet.  My best writing location is a café.  Some regulars are the Starbucks in Northampton, MA, Café Kopi in Champaign, IL or Joe on the Upper West Side.  It has to be an available place, so that when you show up, writing will happen.  (Joe is sometimes too busy, so it is only my “place” during specific hours.)  Lots of people write at home, so maybe that will work for you.  Know what your place is.  Don’t do crazy experiments on new locales – stick to what works. I wrote most of The Creative Lawyer at Starbucks on Columbus and 81st. There was a whole gang of us regulars there.

Have a ritual.  Imagine driving up to a country pond, hiking down the beach to the gangway, and getting ready to dive off the wooden pier.  Then you dive.  That’s writing.  When you go to your special place, you should be able to visualize the sequence of actions that connect you to writing.  You can’t be wondering how you will start writing or have other activities you might do first (like checking email, calling friends, paying bills, or whatever else might occupy you.)  Know what the plan looks like.  The idea is to have no discretion.

My ritual is this.  I sit down at the café, get my coffee, bring up a blank document, which I name by date and save.  Then I put on my noise-cancelling headset and turn on my playlist called “New Writing Music” and cue the song “Foundations” by Kate Nash.  My ritual involves listening to the same playlist each time.  It’s pleasant and numbs me out so I focus on making words.  (According to my iTunes library, as of today I have listened to Kate sing “Foundations” 203 times.)  Make your own ritual.  Super busy people probably need to include a specific time in their ritual.  Like, “first thing when I wake up” or “20 minutes before I go home” or “after I put the kids to sleep.”  I do best when I write in the morning, though just before dinner also works.

Track your progress.  I keep an Excel spreadsheet called “Tracking towards the finish line.”  The fields are: date, location, minutes spent writing, a few words describing what I wrote, word count for day, and a comment on how I felt in this writing episode.  This last comment is a useful way of understanding your own writing process.  Reading over your post-writing assessments after a month of two gives you insights. 

After I write, I fill in the spreadsheet for the day.  Filling in my spreadsheet is the most satisfying part of the day!  It is my positive feedback loop!  Even if I’ve written very little that day, it’s still something, and it counts.  Incidentally, my rule is that when I miss a day, I have to write “missed day” in a row by itself.  I don’t let myself  just jump from, say, August 10 to September 20 without comment.

Ignore your feelings!  You will note that my description of filling in my spreadsheet is the only place where I include the word “feeling.”  Writing isn’t about listening to your feelings.  It’s about writing despite your feelings.  Positive feelings don’t motivate you to write.  Doing the writing is what creates positive feelings. 

Check out this article, by a computer science professor at Georgetown named Cal Newport, which is about how the idea of "passion" does and doesn't fit into career choice and exploration.  In essence, he says that passion should follow rather than lead a career.  

Follow a Career Passion?  Let it Follow You

My take on this: People think that the order of satisfaction is (1) cause (2) people and (3) function, but it's really (1) function, (2) people and (3) cause. If you are working for a cause, but don't actually like what you do each day, you are going to end up bitter and unfulfilled. Whereas if you actually like doing the activities that comprise your work -- whatever they are -- you are more likely to be happy and contribute something useful to the world.

I didn't really know this when I was younger and making certain key decisions.  But it's true.  Luckily, I have learned from experience and now apply this thinking to my choices.

Here are two principles that will make you successful in the work world:

1. Get the job done. 
2. Be low-maintenance.

Anyone who hires or supervises someone else is acting pretty much on the basis of hope.  They are hoping that working with someone else ends up producing value.  It’s hope because when you ask someone else to do something, you are giving up your own control.  And yet you desperately want to, because there are other things you should be doing.  So the mark of a great employee is someone who gets the job done.  Somehow.  The mark of an average-ish, not very useful employee is someone who “touches” the assignment, and then gives it back to you.  This doesn’t accomplish the basic purpose of delegation and specialization, which is to get things out of your hair.  The employee, instead of becoming a useful resource, becomes someone who has to be managed.  Another big chore.

Anyone who hires or supervises someone is also probably a little strung out.  No matter how well they present themselves, they are probably at their limit for dealing with problems.  They are all stocked up.  Employees who are moody, whiny, petulant, “sensitive,” hostile, erratic, paranoid or who just have weird energy are a big thumb on the scale of the boss’s own mental-health balance. 

This is a key point for high-achievers because lots of high-achievers place great importance on their own sense of specialness.  If they don’t feel special, they feel sad, and therefore they want their families, teachers, co-workers and bosses to acknowledge their unique specialness.  This of course is just a pain in the ass for everyone concerned.  If you are special, be so in a low-maintenance way. Maybe that can be your own unique brand – special yet low-maintenance.  You will probably be an amazing employee if you can pull that off. 

Basically, those are the only two rules.  I omit the well-known ones, like not sending racist emails and not stealing stamps (office supplies are okay; stamps are a no-no).

 

In December, I pledged to work on my novel every day for a month. On the theory that you value what you measure, whenever I write something major I maintain an Excel spreadsheet to track my progress. However, I decided to up my game by posting my daily word counts on Facebook. This turned out to be a great practice. It kept me going and opened me up to lots of supportive and funny comments from friends nearby and far away.

The title of the novel in question is a secret for now. Suffice to say I've had it knocking around for a few years and it's time to get it done. Partly for the satisfaction of finishing, and partly to free myself to do other interesting things. I'm still kind of in love with it, so I know now is the time to make the best use of my time. (You never want to work on a creative project where your love has faded.)  

I was happily surprised that many people found inspiration in what I did. The girl who lived across the street from me in Anaheim in junior high and high school is now a reading teacher in Washington Stateand wanted to know if she could excerpt my posts to help her students.  "Of course!" I thought.  "I'll do it for you!"  

Here are days 1-10. They are more fun with the Facebook comments and "likes" that accompany them but they will at least give you an idea of the flow and ebbs of my creative process.

Novel-writing month, day 1.  December is my month for hunkering down and making BIG PROGRESS on my novel. I've marked 60 hours on the calendar and am going to write every day -- using the powers of potential group shame to keep me going! Since, as I have discovered, it's not that hard to write a lot of content if you put in the time on a regular basis.

Today's report: at Elmer's Store in Ashfield for morning coffee, wrote 1331 words, approx 45 minutes.

Novel-writing month, day 2. Did 1525 words on UA ORD-SAN flight, on my way to my mom's 80th bday party.

Novel-writing month, day 3. Wrote 2615 words at the Starbucks in San Marcos , CA near my mom's house. Around 90+ minutes of work. Not one of your A-list Starbucks, which just goes to show that you can write anywhere, especially if you have a good noise-cancelling headset!

Novel-writing month, day 4. At Starbucks in the Carlsbad outlet mall, wrote 1648 words. Around an hour, surrounded by a zillion shoppers. Also, to reward myself for being a good son and coming to my mom's bday, bought myself some nice jeans and a cool belt.

Novel-writing month, day 5. 1500 words on UA from LAX-JFK. I'm gettin' into the rhythm. I repeat to myself, "My novel is my friend. My FUN friend."

Novel-writing month, day 6. Wrote 1411 words, even though my neck hurts from yesterday's flight and I just want to sleep. Possibility of FB public failure to keep my vows is highly motivating!

Novel-writing month, day 7. This is the critical time. Starting to feel like I can blow off a day (especially when it's 10:30 pm and I haven't started). Must ... fight ... back ... and ... keep ... writing. Wrote 1277 words at 11:15 pm. Time for bed!

Novel-writing month, day 8. After total space-out nap, came to Joe the Art of Coffee and despite my initial crabbiness and exhaustion, wrote 1792 words of amazing genius, if I do say so myself. Keep the tough love coming, folks! I feel all alive and stuff.

Novel-writing month, day 9. Wrote 780 words (in the lobby of my gym). Not very inspired but I will just keep on truckin'!

Novel-writing month, day 10. Wrote 1147 words at Joe the Art of Coffee, pre-Xmas party. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

 

Modern Family is my favorite show on TV.  It is very well written and the characters are in most cases amazingly well drawn. They’re exaggerations that ring entirely true.  Given that I think about Myers-Briggs every day and constantly wonder about the types of people I know, it is perhaps not surprising to my faithful readers that I also sometimes ponder the MBTI types of fictional people. So let’s assess the extended Dunphy clan. 

 Let’s start with the easy ones. Claire Dunphy, the family mom played by Julie Bowen, is an ESTJ. She’s organized, decisive and action-oriented.  Her judgments are grounded in facts and experience, not theory.  Her largely P family views her as un-fun (sad!). ESTJ’s, used to getting things done in a no-nonsense manner, are perhaps used to this kind of judgment. If the rest of the world would get with the program and not leave it to them to manage every detail, they could chillax a bit. 

Phil Dunphy, the happy, sensitive dad played by Ty Burrell, is an obvious extravert – you can’t really imagine Phil gathering energy by being alone with his thoughts. Phil’s also clearly a perceiving type – deadlines are reminders, to-do lists are not to be taken too seriously, and why be pinned down to a given plan if something else comes along? Sensitive and harmony-seeking, he’s a feeler, able to connect as much with the ladies in the Korean nail salon as with his buds at the Realtors convention. Phil has pretty developed sensing side. He’s not an intellectual and likes physical things, like tightrope walking in his front yard and fixing things. But his love of possibilities and childlike enthusiasm for new things puts him in the N camp. Therefore, ENFP. 

Cameron, Claire’s large and in charge brother-in-law, is clearly an extraverted intuitive feeler. Out, loud and proud, expressive and creative, he prizes passion and authenticity. When Mitchell asks him to turn down the volume, and Cam says, “I can’t!” he’s speaking from the heart of an NF. Cam also has a lot of S in him, as evidenced by the hours he spends creating pop-up books for adoption applications, planning his outfits for Oscar Wilde-themed lunches, and, in his youth, fishin’, clownin’ and playing football at the University of Illinois. But his love of language and addiction to self-expression suggests NF rather SF. Finally, P vs. J.  Cam seems like a P, in that he has a flexible relationship with time and routines. But he is also a dominant feeler – expressing his values and value-based decisions to the world on a constant basis – as opposed to a dominant intuitive who would keep the feeling part more inside.  An ENFJ is a dominant feeler type, so I pick that over ENFP. 

His partner Mitchell is an introvert. While chatty, Mitchell seems to get his energy from himself or his own space (or his personal computer, which he is constantly consulting when others speak to him). He is borderline uncomfortable in social situations that require chitchat. He is a thinker, in that he makes his decisions based on logic rather than the effect on other people. In this regard, Mitchell illustrates a sometimes forgotten point:  thinkers have feelings, too. Mitchell has lots of feelings – but he doesn’t make key decisions based on personal values the way Cam does. Mitchell is also obviously a J, finding comfort in decisions and schedules. 

But is Mitchell intuitive or sensing? It’s hard to judge. Mitchell has an inconsistent relationship with details – it’s hard to imagine a true ISTJ forgetting to send out invitations to his partner’s concert. But to me Mitchell lacks the self-containment that I see in INTJ's, who tend to be more still-waters-run-deep.  And Mitchell does have the fondness for tradition that David Keirsey ascribes to SJ’s in his classic book, Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types: nice job, nice house, nice family. In Mitchell’s case, it’s a gay version of tradition, but it’s tradition nonetheless. So I vote ISTJ, although I could be dissuaded.

What’s interesting about both siblings’ marriages is that they involved opposite type pairings. It’s said that sensing and intuitive types in marriage have communication problems, and thinking and feeling types in marriage have relationship problems. So ESTJ Claire and ENFP Phil are bound to run into conflict, as are ISTJ Mitchell and ENFJ Cameron. This makes sense, because the result is television hilarity, which is surely intended by the writers.

My friend Rob Toomey, a creative lawyer and coach who happens to be a super-expert in type theory, gave me his quick opinions on the rest of the major player. Fiery, sexy Gloria, played by Sophia Vergara, is an ESFJ, another extraverted feeler who expresses her passions in every interaction. Husband Jay is an ISTP, a dominant thinker who has the mordant word economy often associated with that type. Gloria’s son, Manny, is another NFJ romantic who is obsessed by purpose, authenticity and calling:  drinking French press coffee isn’t just a junior high preference, it defines who is he as a person. Though somewhat friendless and misunderstood, I would argue that Manny is an ENFJ who hasn’t yet found his social rhythm – he’s an extravert waiting to express himself on a broader stage (sort of how I was).  According to my same expert source Mr. Toomey, Luke is another ENFP (like father like son), and party girl, rebel and bon vivant Haley is an ESTP. 

Which leaves Alex, the Dunphy’s brainy, ambitious daughter. I’d say INTJ or INFJ, and Rob says ISTJ or ISFJ. 

But here’s the thing that both Alex and Manny illustrate:  the difficulties for children who are MBTI minorities within their own families. Alex is an introvert in a household of extraverts. She feels misunderstood and foreign, and in fact her family makes fun of her. They don’t really get what she’s about, and don’t try all that hard to figure it out. Manny is an intuitive with parents who are both sensing types. They don’t know what to do with his dreaminess and love of possibilities. The parents love their kids, but love isn’t always enough:  sometimes you need to take the extra step and try to see the world through your own children’s eyes.

Next:  Modern Family and the Enneagram 

 

 

Recently, my capable virtual assistant, Emily Morgan (founder of Delegate Virtual Business Solutions and savior of my mental health) asked for book recommendations on the general topics of organizing, setting priorities, time management – the basic getting-it-together topics.  I gave her several recommendations but secretly thought that, as an ISFJ, she'd most like a book called "Coach Yourself to Success" by Talane Miedaner.  

The subtitle of the book includes the phrase "101 Tips" and most SJ's are all about the practical tips. As it turns out, Emily loves the book and has been in a state of kindle-euphoria for several days.

Our willingness to read and enjoy books, and self-help books in particular, seems to have a lot to do with our type. For example, though my S friends tend to love practical books that give useful tips, your basic NF (intuitive feeler) type is less excited about such things. Getting organized and making to-do lists don't feed the soul or promise the paroxysms of joy that we NF's like. We also place a high value on how language is used. Metaphors we like; standard business-speak we don't. (It's unlikely that an NF would find anything of interest in an airport bookstore.) The definitional book for NF's is Julia Cameron's zillion-copy masterwork, "The Artist's Way."

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NFs are also into identity. We spend a good part of our conscious life wondering what we are truly meant to do, and what we should be doing about that today. A more career-focused book in this vein is by former HBS professor Herminia Ibarra, "Working Identity."

NTs (intuitive thinkers) are interested in big-picture ideas, but they are less interested in identity and more interested in theories and how the puzzle fits together. They prefer straightforward, compact language. They like Ibarra's book, but tend to find it repetitive, and you won't find a lot of them doing the Morning Pages prescribed by Julia Cameron.

NTs like books that make solid arguments, ideally defining a coherent system. At the same time, they seem quite skeptical by nature and are distrustful that anyone's new conceptualization of how human beings operate will be true. So you get an odd cleavage between the NTs who find MBTI and the Enneagram immensely powerful, and those who find them to be over-general and unprovable abstractions that are not really worthy of serious thought. (It took me 10 years to persuade my partner, an INTJ, to actually take the Myers-Briggs assessment.)

If you're interested in the Enneagram, the best overall book on the subject is "The Wisdom of the Enneagram," by Russ Hudson

 

If that 400 page book is too big a pill to swallow, try Elizabeth Wagele's cartoon-filled, checklist-y "The Enneagram Made Easy"

Last week, I traveled to Scottsdale, Arizona to attend my elementary school reunion.  Here I am in front of the school where I spent 4th through 7th grades.   

I had a paper route and delivered newspapers every afternoon. I used to tally the number of days the temperature got up to 120.  I delivered to a place called "The Maya Apartments." Many of the inhabitants were "snow birds" – people from the midwest and east who came to Arizona for the winter. This seemed to me an extremely jet-setty thing to do, and I considered the Maya Apartments very swell and swank. I returned to the scene of my paper route and instantly recognized a mildewy smell from my childhood. I had associated it with retirees' apartments but probably it is just the mold that forms on the concrete walkways.  

I was a very ambitious paperboy and built my route from 37 to 164 clients at its peak. In fact, I was "Carrier-Salesman of the Year" in 1974, and attended a banquet in my honor where I got a U.S. Savings bond for $75 and a big trophy. 

Mrs. Hartman was one of my most influential teachers. I was in her class for 5th and 6th grade.  She had all kinds of innovations in the classroom.  She was a great teacher to help unlock a smart kid's smartness while letting him still be a kid. She lived all over Latin America growing up and had interesting child-rearing techniques she would share. At the reunion, we discussed Myers-Briggs. Apparently she is an ENFP. I'm an ENFJ.   

I moved to Arizona because my mom went back to graduate school to earn her Ph.D. after my parents' divorce. She had gone to ASU undergrad so it seemed like a good place. She ended up being the first Hispanic woman in the U.S. to get a doctorate in accounting.

Right now I am kind of scared of Arizona because it is in an extremely conservative and seemingly anti-immigrant phase. As someone who is half-Mexican-American, I pay special attention to these things. Sometimes I wonder it is all a bit exaggerated but my Chicano relatives in Phoenix say, "it's terrible!" They know people personally who have been picked up by the police and coerced into doing "voluntary deportations." Here is my cousin Dolores, who lives in Phoenix. She is a force for justice.

It is hard to fathom, but I did attend elementary school quite some time ago. When I moved to Navajo in 4th grade, the Vietnam war was still going on and Nixon was president. My mom used to constantly watch the Watergate hearings on television. John Kennedy had been president just 10 years before. Still, we were quite modern in some ways. I went to a yoga class with my mom a few times, she was a single parent getting a Ph.D., and our school had a modular building called "The Quad" where you could open up panels between rooms and join classes for some kind of creative activity.  Once a week I took a bus to another school for "the gifted program" where we spent a lot of time making geodesic domes out of paper. I also used to make something called "God's Eyes," which were stick-yarn combinations that could be extremely elaborate. I was quite good at these.

Here is my boyhood best friend Eric and my neighbor, Caryn (and Caryn's mom).  Caryn and I lived in "The Townhouses," which were about a mile from school. I rode my bike to school every day, which is why I think I have good leg muscles.  Eric is also an ENFJ, and also had a paper route. Sometimes we substituted for each other when we were on our respective vacations. I have the vague recollection that Caryn might have succeeded me on my route when I moved to California in the middle of 7th grade.

We had a pool at the Townhouses. It seemed really huge. The back part of the "L" is where we'd play "Marco Polo." At the pool, I entertained my mom and her friends by acting out scenes from the Lucille Ball and Bea Arthur remake of the movie, "Mame."  

Here is our unit at The Townhouses. I believe it cost $28,900 in 1972. At the time, this was Central Scottsdale. Now it is a tiny old-fashioned corner of the city, and Scottsdale stretches for zillions of miles north.

My sister, Teresa, and I were very skilled at identifying useful castoffs. We regularly searched the dumpsters at the Townhouses for usable things that we'd put in our clubhouse, which was a storage shed behind our house, and for Betty Crocker points that were found on the tops of cereal and cake mix boxes. You could redeem them for stuff. We climbed all the way into the dumpster which is how you get the good stuff. We were way ahead on the Portland dumpster diving craze. 

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All in all I had a very delightful childhood in Scottsdale.  I rode my bike all over the place, had my own income and bank account because of my paper route, and I had a lot of unsupervised time where I could do my thing. Plus I had teachers who knew cared about me and had great intuition for how to tap into my potential and interests.  So even though I am kind of scared of the red states, it turns out they can be perfectly good places for kids to grow up, including kids who do things like acting out scenes from Mame for their mothers at the pool. 

Go, Navajo!

Incidentally, my favorite sport was tetherball and we frequently made sun tea.

From my book

There are a number of books and networking experts who will tell you that networking is not difficult if you know certain secrets. They are wrong. Networking requires making efforts beyond what we would do unselfconsciously. Like watching your diet or starting an exercise program, it’s good for you but might not feel so fun the first day you try it.

Because networking is all about accessing your weak ties, it’s always about stretching out of your comfort zone. This can be tough. Says Lois Casaleggi, an advisor at the University of Chicago law school who is a lawyer herself, “When you mention networking to students, more than half of them visibly cringe.”  

What’s the benefit of networking? You access ideas, energies, perspectives, connections and possibilities that don’t exist within the bounds of your known life. You get a chance to learn about others and help them, and they get a chance to learn about and help you. You live more.