When I had my comic memoir published by an award-winning independent press in 2008, I thought it would be the pinnacle of my professional writing career. But after my publisher went bankrupt one year later, taking with him most of my dreams, that celebratory moment turned into one of despair.

Standing in our basement, looking at the five big crates of unsold books we were left with after the experience, my husband wondered aloud what we were going to do with them. I said to him: “We can always make a bonfire and toast marshmallows.” Suddenly, the tension seemed to lift.

I firmly believe my ability to find the humor in upsetting circumstances like this one has helped me to rebound from innumerable setbacks. Humor is, in fact, a free resource that has greater rejuvenative powers than anything we might be tempted to buy to cheer us up. For depressed people in particular, laughter is at once a defense against a seemingly indefensible world and a safety valve.

The therapeutic value of laughter has been recognized for centuries, but it was first popularized in the United States in the 1970s, when author Norman Cousins recounted his experience overcoming a painful case of arthritis by watching funny television programs like “Candid Camera” and Marx Brothers movies. In his book about the experience, “Anatomy of an Illness,” Cousins reported that ten minutes of laughter provided him with two hours of anesthetic-free pain relief.

Today, humor therapy is a recognized discipline in the field of psychology, and many practitioners offer advice on how best to incorporate laughter into our lives when we are going through difficult times. But we don’t even have to turn to professionals for guidance on this matter—we are surrounded by free humor everyday. Not only in the typical entertainment fare, but in small moments—walking with a friend who makes us laugh, observing a child’s innocence, or a pet’s curiosity. Humor is everywhere. We just have to train ourselves to be open to it.

I once interviewed a clinical psychologist and humor therapist for an article I was writing on counseling couples going through home renovation projects—a very stressful circumstance indeed. He offered tips on dealing with the experience, which I think can be applied to many others stressors we face in life.

One of his main suggestions was to work with a partner or a friend as a stress buster—someone with whom to share everything absurd or silly that happened during the course of a day’s frazzling events. He also suggested keeping a written log of these moments and sharing them with their stress buddies at the end of each week. The positive affect on overall outlook, he said, is tremendous.

Another tip he offered the couples he counseled was to always keep a humorous moment from their lives in their memory to access when they were under a great deal of pressure. Just the simple act of remembering something that made them laugh or smile did wonders to relieve stress in the present moment, he said.

I have since followed this psychologist’s advice, and it has helped. Now, my stress-busting partner is either my husband or a close childhood friend. And whenever I am in a trying situation, I remember the time I was driving with my mother on a highway lost and she screamed: “Can’t you ask someone for directions?” (I remind you, we were on a highway!).

I believe laughter is a critical component of a life well-lived and is the main reason why couples and friends form and stay in relationships. It can do wonders for everyone, in any circumstance. Even for those of us who have seen their hopes of being a best-selling author dashed.

Photo by orangeacid

By Thomas Maurer

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” – Mark Twain

Limiting cultural beliefs operate in much the same way to limiting personal beliefs. A lot has been written in the personal development and self help fields about overcoming perceptions in the mind that hold you back from achieving your goals.

Negative self talk such as “I’m not brave enough, strong enough, beautiful enough, dedicated enough…”

Self imposed limitations are self fulfilling prophecies however they can be overcome with the right mental attitude.

A cultural belief is exactly the same, apart from the fact that it is harder to spot because it is a shared belief.

The cultural belief that a woman’s place was in the home oppressed half the population for many centuries. The cultural belief of the racial superiority of whites has oppressed many other cultures for a long long time as well.

We have broken the shackles of many of these false and limiting beliefs, but as a culture we still live under many delusions.

The Importance Of Breaking Free

Overcoming self imposed limitations in your personal life opens up many new doors in development and quality of life. The same is true of a culture. Embracing racial and gender equality opened up new directions for us as a culture and has enriched us.

Shedding oneself of false impressions allows one to follow a path that is true to the soul.

The direction of a culture is driven by the people within it, not from the leader who stands out front. It is the collective mind that counts. The leader can only drive change when their direction is accepted by the collective mind.

By identifying a limiting cultural belief and understanding why it is flawed you can become an agent of change. By communicating the message you can shape the thinking of the collective cultural consciousness.

This is what all great people in history who have been agents of change have done. Ghandi identified that loyalty to the British Crown was not in the best interests of the Indian people, self determination and independence was. Martin Luther King took the long held idea of racial equality and turned it into a movement that changed America and the world.

These people changed the collective consciousness and freed a culture from holding onto a belief that was holding them back.

They did it for justice, freedom and truth in their culture. Just in the same way that you should seek justice, freedom and truth in your personal life. Because ultimately the journey of self improvement in your personal life must always include your contribution of something for the betterment of mankind.

How To Break Free From Limiting Cultural Beliefs

1. Identify a Limiting Cultural Belief

This is something that is likely to happen because you have a nagging feeling that something is not right with the world, and in a moment of inspiration you finally understand why.

It is hard to go looking for limiting cultural beliefs, more often they find you. That is because if we knew what they were we wouldn’t be captivated by their spell.

2. Read Widely

The more you read about the world and the state of mankind the more insight you gain into the way of the world. The more you read the more you are exposed to other views and you will always come across something that challenges your world view.

3. Have An Open Mind And Do Not Succumb To Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the uncomfortable feeling that comes from holding two conflicting beliefs, ideas or values. This happens when people find out new information that changes their fundamental world view. When confronted with this situation many people come up with strange explanations of justification or just ignore one side altogether.

You need an open mind and need to be open to changing your beliefs if you find out they were flawed. Always seek the truth.

What limiting cultural beliefs have you encountered? Please share them in the comments below.

By Om Swami

Once upon a time, Buddha, with his monk disciples, stopped by a village. His intentions were to deliver sermons and spread the message of righteousness and liberation. Some of the villagers however did not receive him well. They called him an atheist, used abusive language and asked him to leave the village. Buddha, however, remained quiet and peaceful as ever. He did not respond to any of the verbal abuse. His face expression did not change.

His disciples could not bear their master being abused, they could not see him treated that way. They felt bad and hurt. Taking cue from their master, they chose to stay quiet however.

The disgruntled villagers left after a while. Peace ensued. Only Buddha and his disciples were left there.

“O Venerable One!” Shariputra, his close disciple said to Buddha, “how come you could stay so calm? How come it did not bother you?”

Buddha’s eyes half closed and his elusive smile remained unchanged for a good few minutes. After which he spoke the following words:

“If someone offers you a gift and you refuse to take it, to whom will it belong, Shariputra?”

“It will remain with the one who offered it, Master,” Shariputra replied after some thought.

“In much the same manner, my spiritual son, I refused verbal gifts of the villagers,” Buddha added, “How can I be burdened by something I do not accept? And why would I stop them if they felt good?”

Upon hearing his master, tears trickled down Shariputra’s face. He understood the profound wisdom and compassion behind the golden words of Buddha.

We don’t control what others say about us, but we always have the choice to accept, reject or ignore whatever is offered to us, verbally or materially.

If you do not accept whatever gives you grief, well then, it can never grieve you. Just before you accept or reject anything, any opinion, there is a quiet moment. It is a short one. It is the moment to exercise your choice. Much like the auction where you only have so much time before the hammer goes down. Once you consciously accept something, getting rid of it becomes harder later on.

Next time, anyone tells you what all they don’t like about you, you have the choice to reject it; they may give you a hundred reasons why your goals are too ambitious, you have the choice to ignore them; they may have a list of all the things you lack, you have the option to not buy their opinion. The choice is entirely yours, independently yours. And it is your choice alone that is going to make a direct impact on your state of mind and being.

The choices we made yesterday determine where we are today and the choices we make today will dictate where we may end up tomorrow.

Never let others’ words or gestures make you feel a certain way. It is not easy but it is possible with practice. You dictate your own rules. That requires an awareness; if you do not keep what you do not want, your inner world becomes strong, clear and clutter-free.

Go on! live just the way you wish it. Be your own owner, your own master.

Today I’m very happy to feature one of my longtime blogging friends, Alex Blackwell. Alex is the founder of the popular blog, The Bridgemaker, and has just released his first book, Saying Yes to Change: 10 Timeless Life Lessons for Creating Positive Change. I have two hard copies of the book to give away, but first I would like to share with you an interview I recently did with Alex:

1. Alex, what led you to write this book?

It’s been a story in the making for the past nine years. In 2003, my life was at a crossroads. On the verge of losing my wife, I decided it was time to change. The spiritual and personal formation seminar I mention early in the book provided the kick start needed.

A few years after attending the seminar, I started The BridgeMaker. It was soon clear that my message, and personal journey, resonated with many readers. So, long answer short, I decided to put my story in one place, a book, to inspire others to begin walking their paths to positive change, too

2. What’s the significance of the book’s title, “Saying Yes to Change”?

Saying Yes to Change is a reminder that the choice to seek positive change belongs to each of us. Except in unfortunate circumstances, we can choose to stay in a place that is toxic, destructive or unfulfilling; or we can chose to break free, seek change and begin the journey to a more rewarding, happier life.

Simply put, we own the choice to say “Yes” to change and I believe that is incredibly empowering.

3. One of the chapters of your book is “Learn to Live Without Asterisks.” What does it mean to live without asterisks?

It’s about not setting on limits on how we think our lives should be. Asterisks are typically associated with limitations, restrictions or conditions. We can get mired down with how we should do something, rather than following our heart.

For example, “I want to write a book, but I should spend more time with my family.” You know what I did? I asked my family. They told me to follow my dream and write. On my last day in this world, I won’t have an asterisk next to the goal of writing a book!

4. You write “Love is a choice”. Can you please elaborate on this?

Here’s a good example Peter: Let’s say you are busy preparing dinner, paying bills or whatever. Your child comes to you and asks for a few moments of your time. You have a choice. You can step away from what you are doing and listen to your child’s needs, or you can keep doing what you are doing.

So, you see? Love is a choice.

5. Your book reveals a lot about your personal life. Why did you feel it was important to be so open and transparent?

The purpose behind my transparent approach is to provide a properly-sized window into my life so others can see their lives in the reflection of the window’s glass. Often we feel like we are alone with our thoughts, feelings or fears. But by being honest with how I feel, may give someone the encouragement to be honest with their feelings, too.

Now, about being too open, before I publish a piece of writing it must pass the Emily test. Emily is my 13-year-old daughter. I consider how she would react to my writing; if it would make her feel uncomfortable, embarrassed, etc. I’m mindful that my book, and blog, is mine and although my family is incredibly supportive, I respect their privacy.

* * *

Check out Saying Yes to Change here.

Please note: I don’t receive any affiliate commission if you buy the book. I’m just doing this because I enjoyed Alex’s book and I think it will benefit anyone wanting to make positive changes to their life.

Book Giveaway

Alex has kindly offered to send a copy of his book to two readers. To be considered simply leave a comment below recalling a time when you said “Yes” to change.

By Larry Wharton

The Buddha spoke of impermanence, that nothing lasts, and that failing to understand the real nature of impermanence means suffering. Most of us would agree that impermanence, or change, is a fact of life. If I ask if the weather, a river, or a mountain will always be the same, most will say no. If I ask if we as individuals will never change, again most will say no. But here is the rub. Our sensitivity to impermanence shows up in our attachments to wishing for the world to be other than it is, unchanging. We exist in a conflicted state where intellectually we understand that everything changes, and all things good or bad pass away, but emotionally we hold onto the things we like and push away the things we do not like. This creates suffering as we are buffeted back and forth by the winds of change, experiencing emotional turmoil as we try mightily to hold onto this and get rid of that, all to no avail.

Sadly, the more effort we apply to making the world unchanging, the more suffering we experience because the world goes on its merry way whether we like it or not. In our strong need to escape the change, we are like an animal caught in a net. The animal thrashes with increasing desperation in an effort to escape, only making the net tighter. Or think about going to get a shot at the doctor’s. Resistance, or tightening one’s muscles in anticipation of pain, causes the pain of the shot to be worse. We can resist what is, but there is a cost to us and to others. We generously export our inner troubles (the need for the world to be different than it is) to others, causing them to suffer.

Change upsets us on a number of levels, one of which is the Buddha’s profound existential challenge that we and all things are transient. Another is the pace and magnitude of societal change. And a third is the one that often gives us the most difficulty because of its frequency, our everyday bumps against reality. When we get attached to expectations about how the world should work and it does not conform to those expectations, we upset ourselves and we suffer. We try to resist what is. Common everyday dislocations include things like a condescending waiter, a person who nearly knocks us off the sidewalk, a letter from our credit card company asking what happened to our payment, or coming home from a trip to a swimming pool filled with algae (a personal “favorite” of mine which disturbs my equilibrium if I am not very careful).

Perhaps the most common activator of resistance to reality is the actions (or non actions) of other people. We want people to act as we desire them to, not as they often do. We may see the actions of others as obstructions to our wellbeing, and just as often seek to control them. But people do not like being controlled, and they will activate their own resistance, making everything considerably worse. Sadly, controlling others often takes unpleasant and disrespectful forms. Consider anger, sarcasm, dismissal, sulking, victim-hood, or guilt, which represent only a few of the many ways we may try to manipulate others into doing what we want. Suffering for us and for them.

Those of us looking for greater inner peace (most of us) must accept change, and one of the keys to this is being in the present moment. Being in the present moment allows us to stay with problematic thoughts, emotions and even actions, and not try to push them away. Being in the present moment allows us to understand fully what we are experiencing, and to “control” unhelpful reactions, particularly resistance. As with all problematic reactions, we can settle into equanimity more easily by acknowledging the reactions and not becoming attached to ridding ourselves of them. Simply “being” with those reactions helps us on the path to inner peace because we give them no power to affect us, no hold on us. Simply observing and making no judgments about the reactions becomes the same as saying, “Ah, the wind is up.” We have observed the wind and then we easily move our thoughts elsewhere. Observing but not hanging onto the reaction we have to, say, an irate client exactly the way we observe the wind is what inner peace is about. If we can do it for the wind, we can do it for the irate client. Everything depends on acceptance of change and practice, endless practice.

Most of us know at least intuitively that not all change is created equal. The following quote from Irene Peter, an American epigrammatist, makes a wonderful connection with subtle paradox: “Just because everything is different doesn’t mean that anything has changed.” Can something have changed and not changed? It depends on the level at which we examine the issue.

I once did consulting work for a large non-profit organization. I was hired to assist top management in reorganizing much of upper management so that operations would be more efficient. I developed a suggested structure, with managers changing positions, reporting requirements, and acquiring new titles. Top management implemented my ideas. I was called back about 6 months later and told that my idea had not worked at all and to figure out why. Managers I interviewed told me that changes had been made at one level, the superficial one of who reported to whom and who had what title. But the changes needed at a deeper level, the ones that would produce greater efficiency, had not happened. Things looked different, but the way business was done had not changed. I misunderstood the level at which I should have been helping the organization. The superficial change had masked a deeper set of behavioral problems, and changing the former did nothing to address the latter. I fell into the trap of not being aware of the level of real change the organization was looking for.

We can fall into a similar trap in our self-generated change, particularly that connected to inner peace. We may pursue inner peace by reading books, meditating, attending seminars, or listening to wise masters, which is one level of looking for inner change. But if these efforts are not accompanied by hard work and discipline, the more demanding level of the search for inner peace, we will not move forward. The trap occurs when we mistake the level at which we need to be working, seeing one thing, the inputs, and actually looking for another, the outcome of real inner peace. We may think we are making progress toward inner peace, but mostly our efforts will result in the appearance of change and not the real thing. This illusion has its own cost.

Accepting the inevitability of change is part of the path to inner peace. But perhaps even more important in moving to inner peace is accepting that change is also unavoidable. Nothing lasts, not good and not bad, and there is nothing we can do about that impermanence. Our resistance efforts to retain the good and push away the bad are futile. They provide us with only the momentary illusion of success, of keeping the change at bay. Our inability to have much of an impact on the change usually means we are beset with frustration and fear. Sadly, we not only share our negative emotions with others, we also share the suffering that accompanies that. Acceptance in the Buddha’s sense is the only healthy way to “deal” with change. Where possible, action is fine. We simply cannot be attached to the action or to the outcome, no matter how much energy we put into our effort. Trying hard is not a problem until it becomes a “must have” outcome.

By George P.H.

If goals were easy to reach we’d all be rockstars, billionaires and rocket scientists. But having dreams isn’t enough; to make them come true, you’ve got to walk the walk. And that walk can be real tough.

That’s why 92% of Americans fail to achieve their New Year’s resolutions. They know what to do – the popular resolutions are all straightforward – but something holds them back from succeeding.

You’ve probably experienced the same problem. You had a goal, you knew what had to be done but you couldn’t manage to do it.

Don’t worry; you’re not alone.

In fact, a few common slip-ups keep most people from reaching their goals. Make them and you’ll sabotage your progress time and time again. Get a handle on them and achieve anything you set your sights on.

Here’s how to understand – and deal with – the 7 reasons you’re not reaching your goals.

#1 – You Expect Too Much, Too Soon

As a generation used to instant gratification, we want it all and we want it now. There’s a reason marketers promise a flat belly in 6 weeks; a better life in 15 minutes; easy money in a few hours. They cash in on our laziness.

But the truth is, anything worth having takes time and effort. Whether you want to run a marathon or make a million dollars, think long-term. Be prepared for good days, bad days and a million setbacks on the long ride to success.

#2 – You Burn Yourself Out

Every January, gyms fill up with New Year’s Resolutioners who want to get fit “this year.” They train for hours, use every machine and work themselves to half-death. No wonder they burn out in a few weeks and never go to the gym again.

Don’t make the same mistake. A moderate, sustained effort is better than an intense burst that leaves you exhausted. Pacing yourself is crucial to achieving your goals.

#3 – You’re A Perfectionist

We often wait for the perfect moment, feeling or opportunity to take action. “I’m sleepy; if I start my essay now, it’ll probably be bad. Maybe tomorrow.”

But since life is inherently imperfect, waiting often turns into procrastination.

The right time might never come, but that’s no reason to do nothing. If there’s a goal to be achieved, don’t wait: the best time for action is always now.

#4 – You Punish Yourself

What happens when we do the “wrong thing”? Drunk-dial an ex; eat 12 muffins three days into a diet; buy a pink flamingo with our rent money?

We punish ourselves. “Why did I do that? I’m an idiot. I’ll never amount to anything; I’m destined to fail.” And once you start thinking this way, it’s easy to make more bad decisions. “I’ll be fat forever; may as well eat 20 more muffins.”

Instead of punishing yourself for bad choices, remember that you’re only human. Everyone makes mistakes; successful people just don’t think about theirs too much. Never let a few screw-ups drive you into negative thinking.

#5 – You Relax Too Early

When you start making progress, it’s tempting to let go and relax. “I worked hard to get here; I should stop and enjoy the fruits of my labor for a bit.”

The problem is, thinking this way gives you an excuse to slack off. Your mind always wants you to make as little effort as necessary. Once you have a sense of accomplishment, there’s little motivation to keep going.

So don’t relax.

Always commit to keep going until you reach success – and make an effort to maintain it when you have it. This will help you stay on your toes, build positive momentum through repeated effort and keep old habits away.

#6 – You Need Approval From Other People

Humans are social beings; we want to be liked and accepted. That’s why being admired for your achievements is such a great feeling. But relying on the approval of others for motivation and direction is dangerous.

Other people might want you to do things that make you unhappy; they might disagree with your goals or methods. When that happens, it’s easy to doubt yourself and consider changing course.

But do you really want to let other people control your life?

No matter what your goals are, the only approval you ever need is your own. Enjoy compliments when you get them, but put your own wants first.

#7 – Resistance

No matter how motivated and disciplined you are, you’ll have off days. When they come, the temptation is to stress out. “Why do I feel so tired today? I need to feel energetic right now. Man oh man, what do I do? This sucks!”

That’s how resistance works: by refusing to accept events and situations, we make them worse. Before you know it, you’ve made yourself feel bad over nothing.

The solution is acceptance. No matter what happens, simply make the best of it. The next time you feel down, try saying: “Well, I feel tired today. I guess I’ll just do what I can and see what happens.”

Now that you know the 7 reasons you haven’t reached your goals in the past, you can stop making them. Apply this post to your life and nothing will stop you from succeeding, no matter how wild and extravagant your dreams are.

Have you made any of these mistakes in the past? Did you make any that aren’t on the list? Leave a comment below and let me know!