By Isabelle Fredborg

Imagine that you are a wolf and get into a fight. You know that you are on your own. You wouldn’t show your soft underbelly unless you were giving up and accepted defeat. You would allow the other wolf to decide your destiny – go for the throat or live and let live? Survival of the fittest.

We live in a society where we more or less consciously are told that unless you take care of yourself, no one will – at least in the Western world. You’re on your own. This can be exhilarating. You have the power over your own future. But it also implies that unless you do it yourself, you didn’t deserve it. You cheated somehow. We have all seen the lone wolf (!) entrepreneur who single-handedly launches a successful company or two, fuelled by caffeine and applauded as a genius by us mortals. We’re almost conditioned not to ask for help.

When you have a problem, asking for help sounds like an obvious solution. Yet we so often choose to struggle with our problems alone, sometimes even going so far as to isolate ourselves or pretend that everything is all right when that is far from the truth.

It is not just about swallowing pride

It takes guts to ask for help, but it is not just about swallowing your pride and sharing that you are a perfectly imperfect human being. It’s not just about solving a problem, either.

Asking for help is about opening up and sharing. It deepens the relationships you have with other people. You build trust and form a stronger bond with the other person. As you show yourself vulnerable, you give them the chance to do the same. Chances are that they have faced a similar problem or dilemma and can relate deeply to what you say.

As you get comfortable with your own vulnerability you grow as a person. This is something I understood as I started to learn how to ask for help.

Fresh out of university with a masters degree, I didn’t go on to work for the big consultancies or accountancy firms like my classmates did. I moved from Sweden to London, England, did an internship and then started my own business.

As a young woman in a new country and with English as my second language, I felt that I had a lot to prove. Even though I had experience of advising businesses, nothing could have prepared me for how different it would be to run your own. As a one-man band I had to juggle everything and quickly felt how completely dependent my business was on me. It was painful.

I wish I had reached out to the other self-employed people around me at the time and asked them for help. I didn’t. Instead I foolishly set out to figure things out on my own. This went on until I realized two things. One, I wasn’t the only one who struggled. Two, it didn’t have to be like this.

When I started to look for solutions for building a better business as a self-employed, I had learnt a lesson. I reached out to people. I asked for help. I figured I had nothing to lose, so I even reached out to total strangers. So far I have interviewed more than 15 small business experts on how to improve your business – something that never would have happened if I hadn’t started asking for help.

My journey into sharing more vulnerable sides of myself and asking others for help have taught me a few things.

1. Be clear with what you need help with

Make it easy for others by being clear on what you need help with. What is not working? Often you will get a much more positive response if you ask for something concrete. For example, “Could we meet up for an hour and discuss how I could improve my marketing?” is easier to say yes to than “I don’t know how to make my business successful. Can you help?”.

2. Choose carefully who you ask for help.

If you’re not used to asking for help, the best way to start is by choosing the right person to trust. Avoid asking anyone who might take advantage of your vulnerability, as it will put you off trying again. You don’t want them to share with others what you told them in confidence.

3. When you’ve got a problem, ask for help early on.

When you’re in a tight spot, the sooner you open up about it and get help, the easier it will be. It’s a bit like a volcano – don’t wait until your catastrophe is spewing lava all over the place. When you talk to others about your problem earlier on, you have the chance to get help from others to turn the situation around before it gets bad.

4. Find your tribe

Find a supportive environment where you can find others who have been in the same situation and can relate to what you are doing or going through. If you need a lot of help, going to several people for help instead of one will help you get more perspectives and won’t make you a burden to someone.

5. Give a heart-felt thank you

Share with others what it meant to you that they gave you their support. Just a simple note saying “Thank you so much for helping me with X. I was really feeling stressed about this earlier but now I have a much clearer strategy for what I’m going to do next” will do. If they went out of their way to help you, maybe you want to send them a present.

6. Reciprocate naturally

I’m not a big fan of quid pro quo. Instead I like to think of giving and supporting as something that naturally happens between people that care about each other, be it on a personal plan or business. Being supportive is just as important as getting support. How you can make other people’s journey easier?

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It is when I have opened up and shared my troubles that I have found the most loyal friends. It is when I have shared a business dilemma that I have found new supporters on my side, fighting for my cause. Despite that, I’d be the first to confess that it’s still difficult for me to ask for help. It won’t suddenly become easy overnight. But just because something is difficult doesn’t mean that you should avoid it. While I still have a long way to go, I now know that I can be vulnerable without losing other people’s respect – instead I gain friends.

By Deborah Fike

When we moved into our new house last year, our neighbor’s yard looked like junkyard material. Among the debris lay a rotting shed, rusted over RV, and stagnant water pool. To make matters worse, the only way into their back yard was through a shared driveway that passed through our property. Since we had children, we weren’t exactly thrilled about the situation.

Our concerns heightened when we talked to the other neighbors. We heard stories of vagrants living in the RV, playing loud music and keeping everyone up at night. The neighbors also claimed that the owner, while a “good person,” was often out of town, letting random friends have run of the property. Both claims seemed legitimate since we saw lights in the RV at night, but no one ever answered the front door during the day.

You can imagine what we thought of our neighbor at this point. I conjured up an image of a crude, dirty man who had no regard for others. My husband worried that strangers might wander in and out of our property, peeking in the kitchen window. The two of us discussed what we could do: build a gate between our property, install a security system, and even forbid our children from ever playing outside.

Our stress level increased until one Sunday afternoon I finally saw movement in the neighbor’s house. Someone was home. Nervous, but resolute, I marched over to his front door, determined to meet this elusive neighbor after a month of worry.

The smiling mustached man who answered the door was not who I expected. He immediately ushered me inside and had me meet his charming 5-year-old son. Then he offered me water, gave me a tour of the house, and chatted with me for half an hour. As it turned out, he had also just moved into the neighborhood. Originally from Iran, he wanted a house big enough for his wife, children, and parents. We hadn’t seen him because he only had time on the weekends to fix up the place. The previous owner had, as he put it, “left the house in considerable disrepair,” so he was taking his time cleaning things up before moving everyone in.

During our conversation, I discovered we had a lot in common. I had also lived abroad, in Japan, and he loved the fact that I used to teach English as a second language. He knew a little Japanese, so we exchanged a few phrases. Like my husband, he loved BBQs, and we talked about getting our families together when the weather got warmer. I left his house with a smile and a promise to come back when his wife made it to the States.

Since that day, my husband and I have not spent a moment worrying about our neighbor. We chat over the fence if we catch him cleaning up the backyard, which he has improved considerably. The RV and stagnant water pool has disappeared, and he’s working on a garden. Gone is the junkyard image, replaced with a beautiful looking home.

Perception is a funny thing. All of my senses told me that our neighbor would be a problem, and the rumors flying around the neighborhood confirmed those fears. I built a solid opinion of my neighbor without once giving him a chance to speak for himself. I’m glad I met him before I acted on any of those opinions.

It makes me wonder how many times we make snap judgments before giving people a chance to present themselves. Whether we admit it or not, we do judge people by their appearances. We tend to put positive characteristics on those who appear similar to us, and negative qualities on those who don’t. Appearances, unfortunately, can be deceiving. Con men dress like wealthy businessmen and rob us blind. And neighbors with dilapidated backyards can be some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.

By Brad Alexander

I was at an evangelical Christian wedding last year and the groom’s father made an interesting point in what was a very inspiring speech. He said the marriage was going to be strong because it would exist for a purpose bigger than itself, it would exist for God.

In the past I know I would have thought that this was stupid because I have never been a big fan of religion. I’m still not a fan of religion but now I understand the benefits of living for something greater than yourself. It doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as you are living for something you receive some major benefits.

This is not about how to find your life’s purpose. This is an argument as to why you should look within yourself and find one, if you do not have one already. Life is better when you have a purpose that goes beyond your own material needs.

Dare To Be Great

All the great people in history have lived for a strong purpose. It may be religious, political, for civili rights, or for any cause. Great people, the ones we remember, are those who made great personal sacrifices for what they believed to be a great cause. Jesus, Ghandi, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Mother Theresa are famous examples.

The reason I found this so applicable to the idea of marriage is that I do think a higher purpose insulates you from some of the troubles in a relationship. There is a concept in personal development called finding your “true north.” It means identifying with certain values, beliefs or behaviors that come from within that are going to remain constant regardless of what turbulence is going on around you in life. It keeps you grounded even when you are having issues with relationships, career, money or anything else.

It is those for whom their marriage is the great purpose in their life that are going to fall on seriously tough times if it falls apart. It is those who live for their career that are going to have issues when they are made redundant. People who have something greater that drives them can dodge life’s obstacles a lot easier.

Living for a higher purpose goes beyond insulating yourself from a relationship break up or a career failure. It is a reason to be passionate about life, a reason to get up in the morning. It is something to contribute to the world and something that gives you immense satisfaction. It is the kind of thing you want to be remembered for when you die.

Live A More Satisfying Life

It’s not just about making the world a better place. Living for a cause makes your life better.

This does not have to be something massive or earth changing or even particularly charitable. You do not have to be Ghandi. It just has to be something that you are living for beyond your immediate circumstances.

For me it is the philosophies espoused in the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. This book is a bit of an underground classic but not all that well known. However I believe that in it are some of the best solutions to all the modern day crises such as economic, environmental and energy. That one book holds the key in my opinion. I am supremely passionate about it and I make sacrifices and work hard to spread its message. I get excited by it and find great satisfaction. I feel like if I died tomorrow I would die having contributed something to the world.

Even if you are not Ghandi your passionate promotion of a cause may be the spark that ignites someone else who then goes on to become the next Ghandi. There is a butterfly effect going on here, and you can have a profound impact on the world unintentionally and without realizing it.

Anybody can live for a greater cause. We are all great in our own way. And there are personal benefits. It makes you humble, it connects you to others and it builds empathy. If makes you passionate and inspiring. It makes you interesting. Most of all it makes life more fun and worth living.

Living a purpose driven and goal driven life is more exciting that sleep walking through life. You can shape the direction and shape the purpose rather than living on someone else’s whim.

By Ali Luke

How often have you bought yet another book or audio program or product that promises to revolutionize your life?

How often have you taken a seminar or class or course that sounds like the solution to all your problems?

How often has it worked?

We’d all like a magic-bullet solution to our problems. Whether you’re trying to lose weight, make more money, or finally get organized, there’s no shame in wishing it was easy.

Sadly, it usually isn’t. (It might well be simple – which I’ll come to later in this post – but that’s not the same as easy.)

Here’s why there’s no magic system:

Marketers Don’t Have Your Best Interests at Heart

The people who create ads are in the business of selling. The vast majority of the time, they care about their profit margin, not about your best interests.

That means that a lot of books, products, and courses get over-hyped. Whether it’s a best-selling self-help book or a line of diet pills, it’s almost certainly being made to sound far more effective than it really is.

Marketers use all sorts of tricks to convince you that, this time, the “miracle solution” really is just that. They might have testimonials from satisfied customers … but you don’t know how many people weren’t satisfied, or even if these testimonials are fake. They may show misleading photos: the “before” and “after” photos for weight loss products are a classic example. In some cases, they may tell outright lies.

In almost every case, you need to remember that…

Real Change Takes Work

You won’t become thin, rich, and organized overnight. If you want to make serious progress in your life, it’s going to take real work.

I know this might sound obvious, but you can’t simply read a book or take a class and miraculously experience the benefits: you have to actually put the advice into action. If you’re like most people, you’ll find yourself reading book after book or taking class after class without really doinganything.

(And it’s not your fault. If you were being sold on some quick-fix solution only to find it’s going to require a ton of work, you’re hardly to be blamed for finding it a tough proposition.)

If you genuinely want to change your life, you have to be willing to work for it.

The good news is that…

Simple Solutions Are Often the Best

Sometimes, you’ll be convinced that your real problem is that you’ve just not found the right solution yet.

You’ll often see this tendency manipulated by the dieting industry: clearly, you’re not losing weight because you’re not eating the right foods for your blood type, or you’re combining the wrong foods, or you’re eating carbs after 5pm…

Unfortunately, the real reason you’re not losing weight is almost certainly because you’re eating too much and exercising too little. Sure, a radical new diet plan might help, but only because it restricts the number of calories you’re eating.

The same applies to almost any area of your life. Need to get out of debt? Start spending less. Need to be more organized? Write a to-do list. Need to declutter your house? Just get on with it.

Of course, there are plenty of great books, useful products and insightful courses that can help you towards your goals. The trick, though, is to look for those that don’t promise to be a magic solution. Trust the authors and sales people who let you know, upfront, that you’re going to need to do some work: they’ll be able to show you how and help you along the path.

Before you buy more books or courses or exercise equipment, try using the ones you’ve already got. Even if they’re not 100% perfect for your situation, use what you can. You’ll make much faster progress than if you forked out for something new – and you’ll have more money in your pocket.

By Steve Kaufmann

If you really want to learn something, don’t worry about learning the basics first. Just go about gathering knowledge wherever you find it, doing things you like to do. Instead of trying to build a house of knowledge, one brick at a time, starting from the foundation, try to learn by “grazing”, following whatever attracts your interest. You will find that apparently aimless “grazing” will take you over increasingly familiar ground, and your grasp of the subject will naturally deepen.

At school we are taught that we need to learn things in a certain order, according to the curriculum, so that we can pass our tests. Learning is divided up into short spurts of activity, with the class subject changing every 30-40 minutes. The teacher decides what we are going to learn and at what pace. We are usually dissuaded from going ahead of the teacher to  pursue things that interest us. We don’t have the luxury of staying with a subject of interest for a whole morning, let alone weeks at a time.

Not only does this structured approach often destroy the pleasure of discovery and learning that so many school kids start with, but it conditions many people, throughout their lives, to view learning as a lineal process, rather than the disorderly creative meandering journey  that it is.

If you are an adult learner, you may be better off abandoning these habits and learning to “graze”. Let’s look at language learning as but one example.

1. The basic rules and structures of a language are often hard to grasp, unless you already have some background.

You need a lot of exposure to the language, aimed only at understanding and experiencing the language, in order that these basic rules can start to make sense. You need some points of reference for these explanations and rules to be meaningful. As the Sufi proverb says, “ you can only learn what you already know.”

2. The basic rules are inherently boring and hard to remember.

The brain has an easier time getting used to patterns, through frequent exposure in different settings, rather than remembering isolated facts and rules. Being confronted with tables of verb tenses, or complicated rules, or lists of words, can often discourage us, because we find them so difficult to remember, despite repeated efforts to do so.

3. “Grazing” , just reading and listening to things of interest, is inherently more satisfying for your brain, than cramming grammar rules.

According to neuroscience, the brain needs novelty and repetition in order to learn. “Grazing”, or covering a variety of language content, at varying levels of difficulty, using different sources, is an ideal way to stimulate the brain with new experiences, and yet go over the same ground many times. You explore new areas, and then listen and read up in areas that you have already covered. This kind of activity gives your brain novelty and repetition. As you understand more and more of the new language, you have a feeling of achievement. This is most gratifying, unlike the feeling of frustration that you get from yet another vain attempt to memorize grammar rules.

4. The Internet is the ideal “grazing” ground. You can find material at all levels of difficulty, in a variety of languages, on the Internet.

This ranges from, podcasts for beginners, blogs and language teaching websites, to more advanced material from newspapers, radio stations and TV stations. There are online dictionaries, grammar summaries, and dedicated language learning communities to help you. Just google and you will find them.

5.Your “grazing” can include the occasional review of the basics, when you feel like doing so or are curious to know something.

“Grazing” the basics, whether by occasionally browsing through simple grammar books, or looking up certain grammar rules via google, can be a useful activity. You will find that it becomes more and more useful, as you acquire a sense for the language through your main “grazing” activity with content of interest.

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To become an effective life long learner, it may be necessary to throw off some of the habits acquired as school kids in the classroom.

By Ken Wert

“When I am happy, I see the happiness in others. When I am depressed, I notice that people’s eyes look sad. When I am weary, I see the world as boring and unattractive.” ~ Steve Chandler

Happiness is not a quality easily had by those who fear challenge and difficulty. Happiness, as a matter of fact, can require quite a bit from us if we would develop those traits that produce it at its highest potential.

In other words, happiness is not for the squeamish. It requires us to get our hands dirty in the ditches and mountain sides of life. It requires us to climb and learn and overcome and develop in ways that are not always easy. Here are four reasons happiness is not for wimps:

1. Happiness requires Humility

What it means: Humble people are teachable. They can bend and adapt as they come to see better ways of doing things. They haven’t been made brittle by the calcification of pride.

Why it’s hard: Pride is a stubborn characteristic. It solidifies us around positions and beliefs and ways of doing things. It prevents growth because it claims already to be fully formed, all-knowing and always right. Acquiring humility requires softening pride enough to crack its hard exterior. Such cracks can be humbling events, and often very painful.

How it helps: Humility is to happiness what a gym membership is to health. The gym membership will do nothing for your health if you stay home. But it’s a key to a door that opens you to the equipment and classes that can add greatly to your health and wellness if used regularly.

Humility is that same key to that same door to the personal developmental gym of life. It opens us to self-analysis, allowing us to see and admit to shortcomings and flaws that muck up the gears to happy living. It also opens us to learning from life and from the trials we experience and from other people too – all essential elements to a deep abiding sort of happiness.

2. Happiness requires moving in and out of Comfort Zones

What it means: The old truism holds true for happiness as for everything else: If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got. To increase happiness, changes have to occur, habits have to be formed, unformed and reformed.

Why it’s hard: We can get so used to doing things the way we’ve always done them that the force necessary to course correct can be very difficult to sustain. February is littered with the corpses of broken promises made in January. Sustained change is simply difficult for most people to keep up. Certainly there are ways of making improvements easier, but even acquiring and implementing those techniques and attitudes require effort and will and self-discipline. Steps have to be taken to learn and implement them, after all.

How it helps: Comfort zones are formed around activities repeated over time. They are the result of routine and sameness. The problem is that you can’t grow anything by continuing to do what you’ve always done. Stagnation cannot produce joy. Happiness, on the other hand, is partially the result of personal growth and development, of evolving from where you are to where you can be. There is joy in the process of closing the gap between you and your potential.

3. Happiness requires overcoming Selfishness

What it means: It is front and center at almost every divorce and is locked behind bars with every inmate. It is heart and soul of every act of fraud and theft and tyranny and oppression. It regards the self over others. It wants and grabs and takes. It seeks its own over what’s right. It sacrifices decency and compassion and love at the altar of self-indulgence.

Why it’s hard: Selfishness is the universal character flaw. It permeates the lives of almost all people to varying degrees. It lives in human nature and boils over in a culture that celebrates self-aggrandizement. Children are masters of it and is the natural order of things unless and until we are taught to be otherwise. Selfishness does not need to be taught. But compassion does.

How it helps: One of the great ironies to personal development is that the more we focus on ourselves, the further happiness drifts from us. But by losing ourselves in service to others, the more we find our true inner selves. By hoarding, we lose. By giving, we gain so much more than we give.

4. Happiness requires retraining Thoughts

What it means: Our thoughts create our reality. If we dwell on the ugly and the corrupt, on the negative and salacious, we sink in the thick liquid of anger and disillusionment and frustration, cynicism and despair.

Why it’s hard: Bad habits are hard to break. Good ones are hard to acquire. They require consistency which is hard to sustain. Habitual thoughts are harder still because they are such subtle things, sneaking in when we are not looking. Retraining our thoughts takes constant vigilance and commitment. It requires monitoring our feelings as the barometer of our thoughts and our words as the indicator of what and how we think.

How it helps: As we think, so are we. If I think life is unfair and cold and vindictive, I will feel that reality. But if I think life is an adventurous joy, that the challenges of life are meant for my good, that it is my task to figure out how life is trying to guide and direct my path, then the attitudinal reality will be completely different. And so will the level of happiness available to me.

So Now What?

In order to have a life of growth and happiness, you must be vigilant in recognizing and overcoming the obstacles life and human nature place in the way. As you learn to recognize the trouble spots, take steps to build your ability to transcend them. Develop the characteristics that break down those obstacles.

But how?

Set goals. Make them small and incremental. Take small but regular steps toward the needed improvement. Don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of work you may have. Set the smaller goals and focus there. One or two at a time is usually plenty. The big picture will come as you lay the smaller bricks.

Will Smith’s dad once took Will and his brother to his store to rebuild a brick wall he had torn down. Will was 12 and his brother was nine at the time. They complained it was an impossible task for two so young. It took a year and a half to finish, as a matter of fact. But when they were done, their dad looked at them and said, “Now don’t you ever tell me that there’s something that you can’t do.”

They learned the lesson of one-brick-at-a-time. We can build amazing lives of deep and lasting happiness much the same way.

And in the meantime?

Enjoy the journey! Happiness doesn’t need to wait at life’s finish line of life. You can take it with you as you build happiness upon happiness, one character trait, one practice, one habit and one principle one brick at a time.

Your Turn

What other obstacles have I missed to living a life of happiness?

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