The Brain Twinkey | Your Fake News Source Since 2008

Barney Shows Up at Gay Pride Parade – Comes Out

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:49:00 +0000

BTZ News – San Francisco - It didn’t surprise anyone. No one even blinked an eye as the 2009 Gay Pride Parade rounded the corner into downtown San Francisco. Wearing a shirt that just said “I’m Out!” made it official. Barney the giant purple dinosaur is gay and proud.

What was a little more of a surprise was who Barney was marching with. As Barney came around the bend marching and chugging his arms like a train, he was immediately followed by Tinkey Winkey, Po, Laa Laa and Dipsy. You guessed it: the TeleTubbies! It was no coincidence that they were all marching in a straight line chugging like a train thrusting their hips in unison; many were repulsed but thousands clapped and cheered.

Then a bystander ran up behind Dipsy, who was last in line, put one hand on Dipsy’s hip and the other in the air like he was riding a bull, and thrusted his hips as well. Immediately more bystanders ran into the street and by the time the police realized what was happening the world’s longest gay, hip-thrusting conga line had emerged! Soon the entire parade and all who were watching joined in and by the time all was said and done there were 13,000 men and women conga-thrusting in unison across 12 blocks in downtown San Francisco.

It was also reported that several young teens have also revealed their sexuality and praise Barney for admitting his sexuality. He was the one who allowed them to feel wonderful about dancing and prancing and singing happy songs, all while dressed up as Cher!

Jehovah’s Witness' Now Carrying Giant Checks To Get Your Door Open

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:03:00 +0000

It’s part of the American Dream. Everyone would love to win the lottery and spend the rest of their lives with no financial worry. Hey, even a $5 scratch-off ticket gives the purchaser the feeling of victory and satisfaction. One of the most popular fantasies American’s have had over the years is to look out your window and see a mini-van, a pretty woman holding flowers and a man in a suit carrying a large check and balloons. You guessed it…the Prize Patrol has arrived and you are the winner!

For years American’s have been purchasing magazine subscriptions and sending in the return envelopes with their application for winning the Publisher’s Clearing House Grand Prize! We’ve all been “Guaranteed to be the $5 Million Dollar Winner” as shown through the front of the PCH envelope and the thought of the victory keeps millions of people coming back to try again and again. So wouldn’t you be ecstatic if one Sunday morning you peaked out of your front window to see the Prize Patrol walking up your front steps! Recently for many, this event has come as a major disappointment and in one instance sent a man to the hospital.

So how can this be? What is causing dozens of complaints across central Utah in the past few weeks regarding the Prize Patrol arriving at their homes? As it turns out these people are not the Prize Patrol at all. It is a new ploy being experimented with by one chapter of the Jehovah’s Witnesses!

Over the years the number of individuals who actually open the doors when a Jehovah’s Witness arrives is few and far between. You see them coming and just don’t answer the door. They have changed their attire, used attractive members and many other ploys to get your front door open. This new method gets your door open but with a serious downside.

Instead of hearing the good news, like “Are you Mr. Johnson? Well you are the winner of our $5 Million Dollar Grand Prize! Congratulations!” Un-expecting American’s hear “Mr. Johnson? Are you familiar with the Watchtower Literature?”. Once you land back down on Earth and realize what has just happened a major disappointment sinks in. You then look at the large check being dangled in front of your face to see the name on the check is not yours and on the amount line is written “5 Million” then in smaller lettering “reasons to love Jesus”.

The number of complaints has been overloading the Sheriff’s Office in the small town of Green Fountain, Utah.

“Seventeen calls just this morning” said Deputy Roscoe Train. “Must be a bunch of ‘em out there today. But they disappear just as quick as the complaints come in so we can’t catch ‘em. The only one we got so far is still in intensive care with his jaw wired shut….he aint talkin’. Boy, Jimbo Jones sure hit that man hard.”

So far there have not been any other reports outside of Green Fountain, but the warning is out! If the Prize Patrol arrives at your door step don’t get too excited. But make sure it’s really not them before you decide not to answer the door.

Six Year Old Scratches Back-Side – Doesn’t Smell Finger

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 12:38:00 +0000

As the school year is in full swing and everyone, students and teachers alike, adjust to all that is new. There are several things that always remain a constant during the school year: kids will run in the hall, use profanity when adults are not listening, fight, cry, say mean things, eat boogers and above all if a child scratches there rear-end they surely will take a sniff! It's normal and just accepted as a fact of life and childhood. This is not the case in the north east corner in the state of Vermont.

Small towns are in abundance in this region of the world and some schools from K-12 max out at 150 students. In Mrs. McDonald’s first grade class an unlikely event occurred and word quickly spread through this small town and now the world . “First graders scratch and sniff” a candid McDonald said. “I’ve been a first grade teacher for 27 years and I have never seen a child of this age group not take a post scratch sniff. They eat nose boogers, pick scabs, lick their fingers and stick the finger in their friend’s ears and more! I love these kids but they gross me out daily.”

On the day in question six year old Jeremy Danielson was playing outside during recess. “He ran right by me, stopped, took a deep scratch in his back side and then continued to play…..ya, no sniff!” McDonald said. “Once I realized what happened I called the boy over to see if he was feeling okay. He said he was fine and gave me a courtesy sniff but I wasn’t buying it.”

McDonald said that at first she put it behind her, but in a conversation in the teacher’s lounge later in the day several other teachers were concerned. Principal Gardner chimed in on the incident. “There are just some things that never change. Maybe this is a sign of things to come but for right now we are a little shocked.” Gardner did phone the child’s parents and for now no action will come as a result of the incident. “Hopefully things will go back to normal.” Gardner ended,” We didn’t want out little town to get put on the map because of this type of incident. Similar to Jeremy’s finger, the whole thing stinks!”

Followers of the Zone - I'll be back! (soon)

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 13:47:00 +0000

Friends and followers of The Zone - I apologize for my lack of postings this summer but I promise to be back soon with new and interesting news from my brain to yours.

I am currently investigating how a group of Jehovah's witnesses have been very successful recently with a new method of getting in your front door! There have also been several reports of chicken's going on panty-raids in freshman college dorms that will surely grab your attention.

So stay tuned for the fall season and I look forward to hearing from you!

Rogue Custodian Places Toilet Paper rolls on “Both Ways”

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Wed, 20 May 2009 19:26:00 +0000

It’s a typical argument that has plagued mankind since the invention of the toilet. Which way should the toilet paper roll? Over the top or down the back? Fist fights over this debate are reported coast to coast; but not at the Springfield, Wisconsin shoe-lace factory.

Enter Dusty Featherman….custodian.

“From the day I hired him I knew he was meant for greatness” said his employer Dave Lace. "He beat out two other candidates because he showed talent outside of the norm for custodial employees.”

So what makes Featherman so unique? He has developed a system that removes the frustration many have upon entering a stall. Whether you remove your toilet paper at the beginning or end or your business, which way the paper rolls will never be a concern as long as Featherman is on the job.

"I would always check the stall to see which way the paper faced!" said one female employee. "I was fired from my last job because I broke the stupid paper holder because I needed to turn the toilet paper roll around! I love Dusty's plan...it's genius! I about never worry about the toilet paper anymore!"

Featherman told us, “On occasion there have been lines on one stall when another is available! Sometimes I spend my lunch hour in there just to watch! It's incredible!”

Each stall has a picture on the outer door of which way the toilet paper in the stall rolls. so Featherman’s customers have a heads-up prior to entrance. Not only does this forewarn the user but it also creates great conversation.

William Shatner Upset at New Star Trek Movie: Doesn’t Remember It Ever Happening.

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:33:00 +0000

Los Angeles, CA (BTZNEWS) - The much anticipated and very risky release of a new Star Trek movie prequel opened last weekend to rave reviews and over $50 Million dollars in ticket sales. For many this was a relief as Star Trek fans worried about the change as no Star Trek Movie had ever been released without a series first, and a prequel is always a tough sell. A movie about a young Captain Kirk and his crew had high expectations and the results did not disappoint.
The movie will surely continue its success and may spark a whole new series of films that will excite and thrill Star Trek fans worldwide………well all except one.

William Shatner (the original Captain Kirk) was invited to the movie release, as were all other living cast members from every Star Trek cast. At any Star Trek gathering William Shatner’s presence is always a thrill to all who attend. His post movie interview had him praising the film but his latest blog entry has many scratching their heads and wondering how Shatner’s mental condition is holding up.

He wrote, “As I sat and watched this film I was confused. The actor who was playing me did a nice job, but there was not one thing that happened that I can ever remember happening! I don’t know who the writers spoke to but they surely didn’t get any of these details from me. I’m also pretty sure my dad died in a hospital not in space. And dammit Bones, I am a McGill man …I don’t remember any academy.”

Shatner has also been seen recently wearing his gold Captains shirt from the early years of Star Trek and in one instance attacked a man dressed up as a white gorilla. It was assumed Shatner had mistaken the costume for the "Mugato", a sort of white, horned gorilla with poison fangs, from the 1966 Episode: A Private Little War.

Whatever is happening it is fairly obvious Shatner has crossed over to a place where his Star Trek life and reality are as one. If T.J. Hooker makes an appearance don’t be surprised if you are driving in L.A. and see Shatner in a police officer’s uniform riding on the hood of a speeding car.

Keep your phaser on stun and Live Long and Prosper, Captain..…Live Long and Prosper.

Manny’s Drug Test Results Prove He Was Enhancing His Manhood, Not His Swing.

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Mon, 11 May 2009 14:37:00 +0000

Los Angelis, CA (BTZ NEWS) – If you haven’t heard by now, Manny Ramirez, who plays left field for the Los Angelis Dodgers, shocked the baseball world by having high levels of testosterone in his urine. Per Major League Baseball rules, this type of result is a mandatory 50 game suspension. The player has the option to appeal the ruling that normally delays the suspension and on occasion lessens the amount of games suspended. Ramirez and his agent, Scott Boris, decided not to appeal and begin the suspension immediately. Ramirez apologized to his fans and his team and that was the last anyone heard from him.

Many thought the reason to not appeal was that the case was unwinnable and better to put out the fire. That would be the normal response of a guilty party who was accepting they were guilty. As it turns out, Ramirez and Boris may have been trying to cover something up.

It may have been assumed by the two (Boris & Ramirez) that admitting his guilt would be the end of the case. No need to analyze the case any further as guilt had been proclaimed.

No such luck.

Major League Baseball took Ramirez’s urine and examined it completely to determine exactly what substance was used. To the surprise of the League, Ramirez’s high levels of testosterone had nothing to do with increasing his strength. The drug that was found in his urine is actually used in drugs that supposedly “increase” the length of ones manhood. Not only was this drug not prescribed by a doctor in Florida, as Ramirez proclaimed, the type of testosterone used can only be found in one type of medication. The medication is currently being sold on late night T.V. ads.

With the new evidence being reported, Boris has once again quickly come out with a statement: “Manny realized that he made a mistake. When his results came in as positive he immediate brought me the pills. No one knew he was taking anything and he didn’t have anyone look at the ingredients of the pills, he just took them. “ Boris continued, “We made up the story of the trainer in Florida in hopes to put the story to bed. Manny said he would rather people think he was suspended because he was taking performance enhancing drugs as opposed to taking pills because he is lacking size in a private area of his body. We knew either way the suspension would not be lifted so we came up with this story.”

One can only guess the kind of taunting Ramirez will take wherever he goes…

Tween Addicted to American Idol Voting Get’s Visit From Simon – Told To Get A Life

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Fri, 08 May 2009 20:00:00 +0000

Following in the footsteps of the Saturday Night Live skit with William Shatner where he told a group of Trekkies to get a life, does Simon Cowell to one of his shows biggest fans.

Fourteen year old Jamie Desmond has been an American Idol fan since (according to her parents) “she could hold up her head. When she understood how the voting worked she always begged and pleaded for us to vote for her favorite singer of the night. Although every week she (Jamie) couldn’t make up her mind who her favorite was and begged us to vote for more than one person. We told her no!”

“Year after year we dreaded American Idol premiering “ her parents told E! “because it was non-stop with the begging to vote. It became a huge problem.”

After weeks and weeks of misery, Desmond’s father came up with an idea, “We told her that on her 14th birthday she would get her own cell phone and then she could vote to her hearts content. At the time she was 10 and to get us through the next four years we granted her one vote a week and we would make the call for her.”

All was well at the Desmond household for the next three seasons, and her parents hoped that when it came time for her to have a phone she would be responsible with the privilege. When Jamie turned fourteen she received her phone with tremendous excitement. What her parents didn’t realize was that like an alcoholic on a bender, little Jamie was about go off the wagon.
Jamie’s parents felt that giving her the phone was a privilege, but they also realized there needed to be boundaries, so the phone they purchased was a pay-per-minute phone that Jamie could fill using her own money and own on-line account. What they didn’t count on was her addiction. The first night of voting Jamie cleaned out the $50 of calls she had on the phone. After that she began to steel from her parents, her brother, and anyone else who left money out. By the time her parent realized what was happening she had spent over $13,750 voting for American Idol Contestants. Turns out she would just keep calling and calling while voting was available and every time she got through she would vote for someone different.

Her parents were mortified and on a whim sent a letter to American Idol Headquarters asking if they had ever seen anything like this and if they had what could they do. A week after they sent the letter there was a knock at their front door. It was Simon Cowell.

Jamie almost fainted with excitement while hugging and jumping and screaming. Simon was straight faced and laid into her like she was a contestant who performed poorly. Smiles quickly turned to tears. “You have to stop calling” Cowell told her, “You need to get a life! I’m not here to tell you that you are doing a good job! Just like a lot of the morons who waste their life thinking they can sing..just STOP! Your vote doesn’t even count anyway, the whole thing is rigged so only the final vote counts and they weed out repeat callers. So like I said…stop calling and GET A LIFE!” Cowell walked out without even a good-bye.

It worked. Jamie never called the voting line again, although now she is focusing her life on a singing career in hopes to someday audition for American Idol and see Simon again.

Child Suspended For Throwing Paper Airplane Near Statue For School Paper Photo

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:33:00 +0000

Bradonville, S.D. (BTZ News) – Little Stevie Beakman was enjoying his first assignment as the school newspapers photographer and was hoping to get a shot that was front page material. He loved photography and was enjoying his Sony Cyber-shot H20 that he just received for his eleventh birthday. He had a brilliant idea for a comedy story about paper airplanes flying too low over the school and disrupting classes. He did a little research and found a great design for a paper airplane, made a few and headed to school.

It was a beautiful sunny Thursday morning and there was only a gentle breeze; perfect paper airplane flying weather, and a perfect morning to capture his idea. Beakman set up his try-pod at a perfect up-angle to catch the head and raised arm of statue that sat affront the school’s main entrance. His Cyber-Shot remote control in one hand and his other hand free to throw the paper airplanes over the statue for the perfect shot.

He began to throw them, one after the other, clicking his remote feverishly in hopes to grab the image he so desired. What Beakman was unaware of were the children in the windows of the school who were looking out. Possibly daydreaming, maybe looking at the birds or just accidental looking that way while solving a math problem. Whatever their reasons many children panicked at the sight of these unknown objects and some even ran from their classrooms as the objects continued to fly. A few children pulled out their cell phones and captured video of the event, and then the bell rang. Beakman, unaware of the havoc he caused picked up the planes and the tri-pod, quickly stuffing them into his book bag and rushed off to his next class.

That afternoon the Principal made an announcement asking the individual or individuals responsible for causing the disturbance to turn themselves in. Beakman, who still had no idea about what his photo-op had caused, was confused and unsure what to do. He went to the Principal and explained himself and apologized repeatedly claiming he had no idea that his actions would cause trouble. He was instantly suspended for not informing the school of his plan. He was asked to give the Principal the memory card from his camera so she could see the photos but Beakman refused. That evening several students uploaded their videos to YouTube.

The next day Beakman’s parents called the Principal and they were FURIOUS at their son. They apologized and said their son made a huge mistake and they were hopeful he could return to school soon.

After a two day suspension Beakman gave the memory card to the Principal, but not before he downloaded the pictures and sent them to his editor. His picture and story made the front page.

Elephant Escapes D.C. Zoo–Relieves Self on “Left” Side of Capitol Lawn

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Tue, 05 May 2009 16:36:00 +0000

Washington D.C (BTZ News) - Tourists around Washington D.C. had a little excitement added to their visit to the Nations Capitol. This was because of the main attraction at the Washington D.C. National Zoo, Rosalee the Elephant; and they didn’t have to pay admission to see her act.

Rosalee was having her daily bath in preparation for her afternoon show, when her handler forgot to reattach her to the leg shackle. Zoo officials assume Rosalee, who is a very curious animal to begin with, decided to take a walk. When she exited her personal area she wandered upon the rear exit of the zoo and proceeded to walk out.

“It’s absolutely amazing that she wasn’t spotted prior to reaching the Capitol lawn.” said the acting Director of the Zoo, Steven Monfort, “That’s a long walk for anyone, and for a full grown elephant to go unnoticed is beyond me.”

How the next events unfolded has many democrats in an uproar.

The Democratic Majority Leader Steny Hoyer has his own opinion on the event: “Why an elephant and why on the “left” side of the lawn? I’m glad she (the elephant) is fine but this just can’t be a coincidence; this has conspiracy written all over it. If it’s just a coincidence then so be it, but if a loose donkey wondered on to the Capitol lawn and made number 2 on the “right” side of the lawn I’m sure the Republican’s would respond in the same manner. I heard the Rush once worked in the circus…I bet he knows how to train elephants.”

The Republican Party, which can’t afford any more bad press has opted to respond with only a short message: "If you are sitting on the Capitol steps it is clear that the elephant went to the bathroom on the "right" side of the lawn"; an investigation is ongoing by Democratic Leaders.

It is obvious that there is still a major line between Parties here in Washington. If something as trivial as an elephant going to the bathroom on the Capitol lawn has both sides arguing because of which side of the lawn the animal pooped on, then these people are proving they have way too much time on their hands and we as a country need to think about this before the next election.

Billy Mays Hospitalized After Using “Awesome Auger”

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:13:00 +0000

"Hi, Billy Mays here, and if you know me you probably know that I sell a bunch of crap on T.V." is the way all of his infomercials should begin.

Mays and his product endorsements are always on the television somewhere and almost unavoidable. You either are amused or annoyed, and if you are like millions of American’s you may have bought in to his shtick. His friendly smile, blue collar shirt and convincing delivery has many who wish to sell their products on T.V. lining up. Most are paying him thousands of dollars to get the Billy Mays stamp of approval as the man can, (if I can quote a line from the movie “Tommy Boy”) can “sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves.”

This past weekend that may have all changed.

An ambulance was sent to the Mays household, as Billy was found hunched over next to his garden, unable to move. Mays was using the "Awesome Auger" to plant some spring flowers and the awkward motion the auger forces your body in to twisted the muscle in his back in a not-so-normal way, and left him stiff as a board.

Once at the hospital the doctors immediately noticed an odd discoloring to the soles of Mays feet. It seems that the dye from his “Impact Gel Insoles” has stained the bottom of his feet, and it’s permanent.

During Mays’ physical it came to be noted that Mays also has a very limited sense of smell. While at his home investigators were overwhelmed by the strange odor and most were unable to enter his residence. Another one of Mays’ endorsements, “What Odor?” was used throughout his home and was determined the culprit. “What Odor?” is advertised as saying, “Use it once and you’ll be saying “What Odor?”. That’s because the spray kills your sense of taste and smell so obviously you won’t smell the odor you’re trying to cover!

"Yes that is correct" said Dr. Oxicleen, of Metro Station Hospital. "Mr. Mays has a severe back injury as the result of an accident while working in his yard; and yes, there is a strange discoloring to the soles of his feet; and yes, Mr. Mays has a very limited sense of smell and taste. And finally, yes, his clothes had to be thrown away as they reeked of chemicals from some kind of stain removing product that to the best of our knowledge,didn't work."

Billy Mays endorsements have been like gold for many inventors, but if he continues to use the products he is endorsing he may never work again. The best thing for Mays to do now is to take some “Might Putty” (Mighty Putty is the easy way to fix, fill and seal virtually anything. Now can you repair any job big or small) and cover his mouth.

Of course that shit probably doesn’t work either.

Global Warming Proved to be Caused Primarily by Body Heat – Reptiles Furious.

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Fri, 01 May 2009 14:44:00 +0000

Washington D.C - Al Gore and Bono (lead singer of U2) who are two of the biggest names in the forefront of the Global Warming debate must be shocked to realize that no matter what they do try and reverse the so called warming of the planet, everyday they are alive they are part of the cause. As it turns out the more they talk the more they are hurting the planet!

The newest theory regarding Global Warming makes so much sense it’s amazing no one realized this before. Most think Global Warming is the result of so called greenhouse gases which include carbon dioxide, methane, nitrogen oxide etc. the gases have created an effect of green house on the earths surface which prevents the reflection of the rays from sun and thus causes the increase in temperature. Carbon dioxide concentration in the air has increased due to the emissions from cars, airplanes, power plants, industries etc. But our bodies produce heat and when we breath out we expel Carbon Dioxide.

Reptiles couldn't be more upset at the results. Binja, King of the Snakes was most outraged by the finding and is currently venting his frustration on an unsuspecting owl. Many reptiles are now killing their warm blooded prey for spite! Many reptile feel they are doing more to save the planet by attacking and killing warm blooded animals then Gore ever did. The planet is overpopulated with warm-blooded creatures and the reptiles believe the best way to save the world is to have less mammals.

Nobody knows where this will lead.

Whatever the results, it now seems that if everyone just shut their mouths we might be better off.

Inflatable Doll Company Recalls Thousands of “Mary Dolls” Because of STD

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:33:00 +0000

The world’s largest producer of “adult” toys has issued an urgent recall of over 75,000 inflatable sex dolls because the dolls reportedly have an STD. The Company, “Solo-Love” immediately posted the recall after three warehouse inspectors were diagnosed with STD’s. Reports are also coming in from all over the world with individuals who claim to be in a monogamous relationship with a doll, coming down with a variety of STD’s.

A statement was released from the Solo-Love Company:

“We here at Solo-Love have always produced the highest quality of adult toy and we are devastated to find out or most popular item, the Mary Doll, is carrying an STD. We are giving all customers a 100% no-questions asked refund as well a $25 gift card for their next purchase. We are terribly sorry about this.”

To most the apology is not enough. One anonymous individual is refusing to return his Mary Doll. “I love her.” He told us. “She is my friend and my lover and I’m not just going to throw her away. You don’t just throw away a loved one because they are sick. There must be something I can do to cure her.” When we informed him the recall wasn’t because the doll was “sick” but because he could get the STD she was carrying, he had no response.

As the situation escalated investigators began to uncover the real truth about the dolls and the STD’s that some are carrying. The three inspectors who were diagnosed with the STD’s not only inspect the dolls as they come off the assembly line they are also instructed to “test-drive” them. Each of these men, as it turns out, all have different STD’s and they tested each doll out without wearing protection, thus infecting the dolls and sending them off.

Jacob Moore of Flatsburgh, Tennessee gave the following statement when he was told about the recall, “That cheating bitch! I knew I smelled cologne the second I began to inflate her! The sex wasn’t that good either. Take her away, I can’t look at her anymore.” Moore was last seen in tears with a balled-up doll heading for the dumpster.

Magnetic Paint in Yankee Stadium Bleachers Causing Home Run Derby In Stadium

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 17:39:00 +0000

14 Home Runs into right field over the first four home games at the New Yankee Stadium has many scratching their heads and wondering if the architecture of the new stadium is to blame. Some are theorizing that the direction the stadium is facing includes a natural breeze that seems to carry routine fly balls over the wall in right field.

While the Yankees are playing away games this weekend the stadium has been packed with meteorologists and other scientists to determine if the wind currents are to blame or is the reason behind the home runs just a combination of bad pitching and/or great hitting.

The preliminary results have them scratching their heads even more.

When the new Yankee Stadium was designed one of the plans was to keep the "look" of the old staduim to the new. A similar look and same field dimensions were atop of the list.

They also didn't want to upset the well known "Bleacher-Creatures" which is the nickname of the bleacher section from the right field seats. This section in the new stadium was also to be designed to mimic the old.

When the right field bleachers were completed it was quickly noted that the color of the seats that were ordered and installed was wrong. In order to copy the color from the old stadium a special paint had to be produced with a unique combination of colors. This way the new seats would actually look worn and discolored and maybe fool the novice Yankee Fan into believing the seats were actually removed and installed from the old stadium.

The unique combination of colors, as well as some metallic substances (used to create the perfect color match) were mixed together. It turns out this combination has created a type of magnetic force that attracts the rubber cement that is used to coat the center of a MLB baseball, towards the seats in right field.

"Ooops!" said Yankees GM Brian Cashman, "Although it's a relief that we at leat know the cause. Although the amount of time it will take to redo the bleacher section will take longer than any road trip the Yankees will take this year so the change will have to occur during the off season."

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is trying to decide if they should just let the season play out, or if they should look into a new design for the official baseball.

"The Yankees are the greatest show on Earth and I will let them choose" said Selig. "They generate so much revenue for the league that upsetting that franchice would be not only a career mistake but it could also ruin the game entirely. I'll talk to the Steinbrenner's and I'm sure if I agree with their decision, at the least they would pay off the mortgage on my Manhatten Pent House."

There has been no comment at this point from the Yankees in response to Selig's comments.

Man Decides To Live Every Day As If It Were His Last – Arrested After Just 2 Hours

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 20:25:00 +0000

Gerald Balzack was not terminally ill. He was not heading to prison and not filing for a divorce; there wasn’t anything wrong with him whatsoever. What he was, was a man in mid-life crises who felt like he was in a rut and a change was needed.

Balzack spent hours looking for answers wherever he could; he read magazines, searched the Internet and watched countless hours of Oprah looking for some kind of a spark only to find nothing. He thought because the world was in its technological stage and information about anything was just a click or two away that his problem would be solved easily and quickly…..he was mistaken.

Then one day while reading the USA Today he opened up to a full page add that was titled, “Live Everyday like it was your last!” It was like being struck by a bolt of lightning.

People who survive life threatening accidents, surgery or anything serious are always saying to live life to the fullest; treat each day like it was your last. This was it! This was the spark he was searching for!

But how do you do that? Balzack began to realize that it takes a total transformation of your mind-set. In order to live each day like it was your last you would have to convince your mind that this day really is your last. If you knew you were going to die tomorrow what would you do today? Balzack went to bed with a smile on his face as he realized that tomorrow was the first, last day of his life.

Balzack woke up and threw on his bathrobe. As he opened the front door to breath in the fresh morning air the paper boy approached him. Balzack smiled and reached out to receive the paper from the boy. Balzack rolled it up ever so carefully and then smacked the paperboy across the head while laughing hysterically! The paperboy stood in shock only to receive a back-handed smack across the face with the same newspaper. The paperboy turned and ran only to be chased down the front walk while Balzack was swinging the rolled up newspaper, still laughing.

He sat down on his front steps exhausted but was now confident that his new life decision was just what he needed. He carefully began to plan the next part of his day.

Unfortunately for him the paperboy’s father was a police officer and before he could do anything else he was arrested and taken down to the police station. Unable to make bail he sat in a cell until his hearing where he was sentenced to 4 years in prison for aggravated assault on a minor.

During his sentencing the judge told him, "Son...Today is not the last day of your life. Today is the first day of the rest of your life."

Democrats in Uproar Over Louisiana Governor’s Flatulence During Obama Discussion

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 13:41:00 +0000

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal who is in the front running for the Republican nominee for the 2012 Presidential election had an unfortunate incident during a recent press conference. Governor Jindal had a very untimely bout with flatulence while answering a question about Obama, although Democrats don’t find the timing accidental whatsoever.

Governor Jindal has been critical of just about everything Obama has done since Obama’s first televised speech. In his recent ranting a reporter asked Governor Jindal if he was willing to reveal his true personal feelings about Obama and his administration. Governor Jindal replied, “What my true feelings about the man are not important. My only concern is what is best for this country and the people who live here. My only goal is to continue what I believe in.”

What has democrats so upset is that during the before mentioned response it appears that Governor Jindal broke wind.

After the statement, “What my true feelings about the man are not important..” you can see the Governor lean slightly to the right. Fortunately for the Governor there happened to be a lot of background noise in the room and no one noticed.

A reporter for CBS News was preparing for the evening news and reviewed the tape; what he uncovered at first seemed not possible so he brought in an audio specialist to assist him in his research. The audio specialist examined the tape and was able to remove several noise layers which uncovered the sound the reporter had hoped to hear. Governor Jindal purposely farted in response to his feelings about Obama.

Democrats across the country are furious and are pressing Governor Jindal to immediately admit his actions and apologize. This would most certainly ruin his chance at running for President and throw another negative spin on a party that is trying to dig itself out of the dirt.

The Governor’s Office posted a statement that says “..whether or not the Governor happened to “break wind” during the days press conference has nothing to do with his opinion of the President. If there was a bodily release it was a natural occurrence and should not be seen as more than that. This Office is appalled at the allegation that the Governor would use a fart to describe his personal feelings about the President. The man is very well educated and surely could come up with a more intellectual response just as he did following the supposed gas release.”

The group "Farts for Freedom" have now endorsed Governor Jindal for the 2012 election.

Tired of Junk Mail in Your Mailbox? Group Fights Back!

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 16:58:00 +0000

"Recycle....recycle....recycle....bill...recycle." This is the typical out loud discussion that millions of Americans have between themselves and their mail. Thousands of hours are spent each year opening mail to only find out it's junk, or immediately ripping and recycling (or throwing away, depending on the State you live in) because the envelope is a give-away that the content is of no interest.

There is probably no way to ever end the endless train that is junk mail, primarily because a lot of these junk mail distributors and using a name with the subheading stating "Or Current Resident". If you ever ask for a company to stop sending you junk mail, it doesn't stop that company from selling their list of names and addresses to whoever asks, and more junk mail piles up.

Recently a group of people got together to fight back!

The group (named The Junk Mail Bandits) decided as a whole that they would open every piece of junk mail that they received, and any letters that had return envelopes with prepaid postage would be immediately put in the mailbox. "They are wasting my time by sending this to me and I never asked for it" said the groups leader, Jon Potter. "Especially Capitol One! I get two, sometimes three pieces of junk mail from them a day! So I send back the return postage-paid envelope empty; other times I will put the items they sent me right back to them. Make them pay the postage! POWER TO THE PEOPLE!"

What started out as a group of 5 has now escalated to an unknown number as many who are not affiliated with the group have also began the return mail.

"It's kind of fun." said one person who wished to remain anonymous. "I don't find opening the junk mail is a waste of my time anymore. I actually look forward to it."

It is unknown how this is affecting the junk mail companies, but one can hope that the outcome could reduce the number of junk letters being sent.

The First Dog is a Leg Humper

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 12:46:00 +0000

Politicians, Foreign Diplomats and Presidents beware when entering the Oval Office. Usually the intimidation factor being in the most powerful nations head office is the most common cause for stress. Now there is a new fear for all who enter....

It’s Bo the First Dog.

Bo (who is a Portuguese water dog) was introduced yesterday amongst dozens of reporters on The White House Lawn to a very optimistic Obama family. The optimism quickly turned to disgust as Mr. Obama later introduced Bo to his Chief of Staff (Rahm Emanuel) in the Oval Office. Mr. Obama’s vision of a slumbering dog at his feet while he signs important documents took a drastic turn for the worse. Bo slowly approached Emanuel and then without warning proceeded to take hold of his left leg and pump wildly. Before Emanuel could react the dog was finished and Emanuel’s suit was ruined.

In hopes of a fluke reaction by Bo, Obama invited in his Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, into the Oval Office for a meeting. Unfortunately the same outcome, although during the incident Obama made light of the situation and proved he is somewhat of a movie buff. He modified a quote spoken by Randy Quaid in the movie Christmas Vacation by saying, “A word of warning Bob; it's best to just let him finish.”

The Obama’s are not commenting on Bo’s bad habit, although it is now rumored that a pet psychologist has been notified and is on route to the White House to assist in the situation.

When asked if the Obama’s will search for a new pet the White House responded by saying that “In no means will the Obama’s abandon their new family member. Steps will be taken to help Bo kick his habit. Maybe Bo and Mr. Obama can work together so while Bo is being assisted in quitting leg humping, Mr. Obama can work on quitting smoking.”

New ShamWow® Toilet Paper Introduced. ShamGross!

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 19:20:00 +0000

You know the ads and you probably know the product. The ShamWow® ads are plastered across all media outlets with the spiky-haired dude named Vince explaining the amazing absorption quality of the ShamWow® . The ads claim that the ShamWow® can hold 12 times its own weight, it can easily remove cola, wine and pet stains, doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess, machine washable and bleachable and lasts ten years. Because of the above, purchasing the ShamWow® will save you time and money and so far has been a great success. So successful that the ShamWow® Company is expanding into a direction that many are finding a bit icky.

Here is the rough copy of how the ad will sound:

“Hi everyone, it’s me Vince again. I’m here introducing the new ShamWow® TP! Don’t wipe and drop it in the toilet. No, not anymore folks! Let's wipe and then throw it in the sink. You heard me! Front side or back side it doesn’t matter! Just rinse, squeeze, then place it on the specially designed ShamWow® TP Holder and it’s ready for the next person! Save the environment, don’t pollute it! You’ll not only save hundreds of dollars a year in toilet paper costs but you will be helping in saving the planet too. ShamWow® TP. It’s cool to wipe and reuse!”

Many people (mostly the tree-hugging crunchy-granola’s) are praising the idea stating how getting back to basics will clean the environment, where stock holders are holing their breath. One can only image how the public will react.

If successful it is being reported that ShamWow® will also experiment with several other ideas. ShamWow® Diapers is next to roll off the assembly line being dubbed the cloth diaper of the future. If successful this will be followed by a special ShamWow® for ladies: Yes, you guessed it. ShamPons® and ShamPads®.

ShamGross!

Adopted Rabbit Searches Blood Line - Proves Easter Bunny Is Dad

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Sun, 12 Apr 2009 16:52:00 +0000

Billy Bunny's story was an old story but not a new story. Similar to the thousands of adopted and orphaned bunnies that are scattered across the world Billy didn't know who his parents were. In Billy's case he wasn't even certain who his cousins were, even though Bunny History told him he probably had hundreds if not thousands of cousins and half brothers and sisters.

Billy was born an orphan.

He was discovered wrapped gently in a cabbage leaf, pink and adorable resting quietly in front of a bunny orphanage. Although there were hundreds of new born bunnies present, something about Billy was very unique and he was adopted almost immediately.

Billy was very fortunate to have been adopted by a caring and loving family and was raised privileged, but he always felt the need to search out his "real" parents and when he was of age he set out.

Billy was exceptionally bright and used his skills to find his parents by using blood tests. Every bunny he met he would draw blood and test it. It didn't take him long to discover a cousin and from there all of the pieces began to fall into place. After several days he found what he was looking for and what he discovered was not like anything he could have predicted as his father was none other then the Easter Bunny.

"He could be mine" said the Easter Bunny during a phone interview, "Although most of my children go on an assist me at Easter. I have thousands of children and hundreds of mates...that's right, I said hundreds! If he is mine there is no way I will be able to identify who his mother is!" said the Easter Bunny. "Each mate is supposed to venture off before giving birth and they are responsible to take the children and teach them the skills of the trade. Hiding & coloring eggs, filling baskets, walking in parades etc. Then during the Easter season they help. I would love to be everywhere at once but who do you think I am? Santa! If he is mine his abandonment is not my fault, although if he's looking for a job I suppose I could find him something"

Billy was very discouraged by the Easter Bunny's comments and decided that meeting him was not in his best interest. Even though his blood line guaranties him a fruitful life and being an Easter Bunny is every bunnies dream he felt his destiny was elsewhere.

Billy's story quickly spread through the bunny world and he was approached by many who felt sorry for him. Billy was flattered by all of the attention he received and it wasn't until he was approached by the next most famous bunny when he realized his destiny.

Streaker at Augusta Removes Tiger's Ball From Fairway - With His Butt Cheeks

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:31:00 +0000

The Master's tradition is like no other in the golf world. Tradition, pride, history....and now streakers. But outside of the norm this streaker did not just "streak" across the playing field; no, this streaker strategically positioned himself in the area where a perfect drive from one of the golfer, specifically Tiger Woods, would land. Woods, being the most followed golfer on the course would have cameras on his every shot. On the par 5, 530 yard 15th hole Woods hit a perfect and long tee shot. As the cameras followed Woods' shot at the precise moment the ball stopped the streaker had already begun his run.

The tee shot came to a halt just as the streaker reached Woods' ball. The man then squatted over the ball and sat and then rose quickly with the ball sandwiched between is buttocks and ran off of the fairway.

While most stared at the streaker in shock one man had the courage to tackle this man as he darted into the crowd. He tackled the streaker by the ankles sending the man quickly to the ground with extreme force. The golf ball became dislodged from between the man's cheeks, deflected off of a bystanders metal leg of his folding chair and rolled gently onto the fairway approximately 35 yards further down the fairway than the original drive. The man was quickly removed by Augusta security and play continued.

Tour rules have no ruling for such an event and after a lengthy discussion by officials Woods was required to play the ball where it lyes. Woods protested that he should be allowed to change his ball and have his next shot from the area of the original spot but his request was overruled. If he changed his ball Woods would receive a one stroke penalty. Even after the examination of the ball revealed a "skid mark" no overturning of the rule would be allowed. Woods stood in amazement but after a few minutes Woods addressed the ball and hit a beautiful drive that set him up for an Eagle putt.

Woods, obviously distracted by the event birdied the hole and was only then allowed to use a new ball.

Inspired By Obama Visit - Queen Visits Local Basketball Courts

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 17:02:00 +0000

United States President Barack Obama made an everlasting impression on Queen Elizabeth this past week as the Queen cancelled Sunday afternoon tea to visit a few local basketball courts.

The Queen said she didn't understand the President's passion for the sport and wanted first-hand knowledge.

Within 24 hours the Queen had a custom pair of Nike High-Tops made (to match the color of her dress) and the next day she was driven two hours to the local public ball courts.

The Queen waved and posed for pictures all the while looking surprisingly comfortable in these elements. One of her assistants brought a basketball and handed it to her. The Queen looked confused but proceeded to wave and smile while still holding the ball under her non-waving arm. When one of her assistants suggested she dribble the ball the Queen looked him off and decided to wave and smile instead. Another assistant motioned to her that she should take a shot, and with a very subtle shake of her head the Queen continued to wave and smile.

Then, without any warning the Queen put the rock on the floor and with a spin move took off down the court. The ball moved gracefully through her legs and around her back. As she approached the hoop her speed accelerated and picked up the ball...two magnificent steps later she was air born and reverse dunked! The Queen, facing away from the hoop with a reverse grip on the rim raised both of her knees and then released, sending her to the ground where she then stopped; stood up gracefully and dusted herself off. Without a word she slowly proceeded back to her automobile standing next to her door awaiting her driver to let her in.

Using Human Feces in Mulch Closes Eco-Friendly Landscape Company

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 16:36:00 +0000

Springtime is here! The grass is turning green, flowers are blooming and the air is smelling fresh. It’s a wonderful time of year, except for many in the southwest corner of Indiana.

Many new businesses have been appearing over the last several years who advertise being Eco-Friendly. It’s the ‘in’ things these days as the world is trying to do more to save the environment by putting less artificial items into it. For local business owner Brady Hart this was his intention when he started Eco-Scape, his Eco-Friendly landscaping company.

From bio-diesel trucks to mulch made from dead trees, Hart’s business not only produced high quality work, but was also friendly to the environment.

The word of his business spread quickly through the County as most residents here took pride in their homes appearance. It also didn't hurt that all of the contracts Eco-Scape currently had from the previous year had the most wonderful gardens anyone had ever seen, so everyone was anxious for Hart’s service.

Before the snow had even melted, Eco-Scape had 35 new customers on top of the 26 from the previous year. For a three-man business they were maxed out.

The three-man crew worked from dusk until dawn everyday, always arriving on time and only leaving when the job was done. Everyone was extremely pleased with the pre-spring preparations and as the snow finally melted and plant-life began it was time for preparing the flower beds and of course, mulching. It was rumored that the homemade mulch mixture was the reason behind the amazing flower beds.

All of the dreams of those beautiful flowerbeds and lawns came to an abrupt halt one April morning.

During a routine business inspection the crew of Eco-Scape was discovered mixing human feces with bark mulch in preparation for their mulch-spreading weekend. It turns out that the three men built a storage tank and attached it to their toilet where they continuously added to the content. From this tank they made all of their eco-friendly mulch, plant food and lawn fertilizer. As there are no current laws in Indiana that say this is illegal there was nothing the law enforcemnt official could do(besides vomit in his mouth). All that he could do was to report his findings to all of their customers who of course, promptly discontinued Eco-Scapes service.

None of the Eco-Scape customers were willing to be interviewed although one person commented anonymously. “We always thought things smelled a bit different then the normal fertilizer that we used. We figured that because it was environmentally safe the smell was just a side affect. It got better after a week or so anyway.” They continued, “Our yard and flowers looked so wonderful we actually thought about keeping them on. Of course we couldn’t because it’s really gross.”

April Fool’s Day Prankster Gets His Fist Stuck Up His Ass

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:41:00 +0000

Sometimes the best pranks are played on the ones who are attempting a prank themselves. Get-the-getter (as it has been nicknamed) has become common practice for those who wish to prank the prankster, and there is no better time to do this then on April Fool’s Day.

This year’s spotlight get-the-getter is on Cleatus Clemper, a farmer in northern Pennsylvania. Clemper comes from a small community and is considered by many the town jokester. Over the years Clemper has short-changed sheets, removed clothing and towels from bathrooms while someone was in the shower, put salt on people toothbrushes, and has placed cups of water on the top of partially opened doors, to name a few. This year many knew they could be the next victim so a few townsmen got together and made a plan.

On the evening of March 31st the men drove up to Clemper’s farm and snuck over to the penned area where his donkey lived. In a giant pot the men had filled a splendid mixture of baked beans, beats, apricots, laxatives and sleeping piles. Then they fed as much of it as possible to the donkey. Before the donkey could fall asleep the men led the donkey up to the front porch. They turned the donkey around so its backside was facing an open window and tied it so there was no way it could move. The donkey would fall asleep and then do what a donkey does when fed beans, beats, apricots and laxatives! This would be the best April Fools Day prank the town had ever seen!

As the news of the prank had spread many townsfolk decided to spend the night hiding in a nearby barn as to witness the mornings silliness. It didn’t take long for the action to begin.

At 3:17 am a light popped on Clemper’s bedroom; a few seconds later the living room, and following that the kitchen light popped on where the open window resided. “What the hell!” yelled Clemper as he flicked on the porch light and kicked open the screen door next to the donkey. “What the F$#@ are you doin’ up here, and dammit what IS THAT SMELL!!”

What happened next would put this day on the town’s permanent calendar.

Clemper was mumbling something under his breath as he walked over to the railing where the donkey was tied and untied it. As soon as he gave the rope a little tug the donkey was startled awake. The donkey was totally confused and began to hee-haw and kick. Then, without hesitation had a bowel explosion that splattered all over the house and porch. As the before mentioned items the donkey ate were the primary cause for this, the second round was a bit less then solid then the first and with tremendous force behind it quickly flowed towards the open screen door. Clemper noticed this and quickly ran for the door. Not noticing the slippery substance beneath his feet, Clemper began to lose his balance slipped forward. Trying to quickly catch his balance he continued to lose his balance but this time he fell backwards towards the donkey’s back side. All of his weight was on the side of the donkey and when he went to brace himself on the donkey, Clemper’s hand slid across the donkey's backside and his fist slid right into the donkey's ass! Not being able to slow down his momentum, gravity continued to pull him downward but the position of his arm was not going to give and the fall broke his arm.

So there lay Clemper...on his knees and unable to stand, covered in donkey-doo with his arm raised over his head and his fist......stuck up his Ass.

New Genetic Study Links Humans to Chickens

noreply@blogger.com (The Brain Twinkey) — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 16:30:00 +0000

Searching for your ancestors? Wondering how far back you can go until you run into a dead end? Well go back far enough and you may get a little surprise.

Evolutionism has given humans close ties to apes as well as other theories that humans first emerged from the water or the air. Nowhere has a link to humans and chickens ever been discussed….until now.

The Jackson Laboratory’s recent discovery has shocked the science world. The Jackson Laboratory focuses on genetics research and they recently began using a new device that can scan deeper then ever thought imaginable. What they found in their test runs of the machine threw them into a direction that no one had seen coming.

“We took some genetic material from Geraldine, our lab chicken, just to use as a test subject. We weren’t looking for anything specific, just running a test. What we found was more then we bargained for.” said Xio Tsheu, the lead scientist in the genetic testing department. “After testing and retesting Geraldine we discovered a common human trait. After several more tests on Geraldine, as well as one of our lab technicians, we discovered an interesting commonality. This led us to the shocking realization that human’s....were once egg layers” said Tsheu , while shaking his head in disbelief. “This proves it..there can be no doubt”.

“This gives a whole new meaning for pregnant women who are nesting prior to giving birth” laughed David Jackmin, another scientist on Tsheu’s team. “The term really isn’t that far from the truth”.

Tsheu said the science is there but obviously there are no remains discovered to prove this. “Unless” says Tsheu, “There has been some government cover up, although I don’t know why they (the government) would hide this.”

Although Tsheu seemed genually bothered by his discovery he appeared to relax a bit by the end of the interview by stating, “At the least it takes the guess work out of it for anyone wondering what human tastes like.”