The Book of T.J.

For Her

T.J. Snow — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 17:36:28 GMT

My mind has been lost in the maze of your heart
An addictive game I was longing to start

Tangled in the puzzle and I love every minute
Now is your love mine or do I still have to win it?

I love every second of air you breath
Every soft footstep my favorite feet leave

I love every moment my eyes catch yours
Every glimmer of hope in your maze’s open doors

I love what you are and I love what you do
I love the simplicity of me loving you

My love, my only, my mind and soul
The half to make my lonely heart whole.

So Far in the Diet

T.J. Snow — Thu, 20 May 2010 16:51:39 GMT

So in Feb. I decided i had gained too much weight. it is now 3 months in and I just wanted to share the latest update...

BEFORE AFTER

How to Poop at Work

T.J. Snow — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:57:32 GMT

We've all been there but don't like to admit it
We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
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*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from.
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Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
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*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water.

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

some information taken from ebaumsworld.com

Componer

T.J. Snow — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 19:10:00 GMT

componer [com-pone-er] - noun From the English words Computer and Boner

1. An unintentional computer-inspired boner
2. The act of becoming aroused by a computer

EX:
Jerry: "Apple has just released updates to their MacBook Pro line! I think I have a componer"

04-07-10 - Today's Drinker

T.J. Snow — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 15:30:00 GMT

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.

"Someone has stolen our tent!"

On this day, April 7th, 1888, the Sherlock Holmes adventure "Yellow Face" began. Seems like this should be today's Daily Drinker... Who's with me?

To celebrate Sherlock Holmes and all his works, I suggest you make the "No Shit Sherlock."

Ingredients
1/3 shot Gin
1/3 shot Schnapps, vanilla
1/3 shot Schnapps, watermelon
Mixing Instructions
Layer ingredients in a glass in this order: Vanilla Schnapps, then Watermelon Schnapps, then Gin.

Happy Drinking...

04-06-10 - Today's Drinker

T.J. Snow — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 21:49:01 GMT

On April 6th, 1986, a Soccer ball was juggled non-stop for 14:14 hrs setting a new world record. Seems like something to celebrate... Who's with me?

For this celebration, I suggest making the "Slutty Soccer Mom."

Ingredients
2 oz. Vodka
1 part Cherry Juice
1 part Grape Juice, white
Mixing Instructions
Combine ingredients in a collins glass and stir.

04-05-10 - Today's Drinker

T.J. Snow — Mon, 05 Apr 2010 21:08:58 GMT

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

On april 5th, 1792, George Washington cast the first presidential veto against the Apportionment Act. Seems like a likely reason to celebrate... Who's with me?

Inorder to celebrate this holiday, I suggest making the "Washington"

Ingredients

1 oz. Brandy

1 oz. Vermouth, dry

1 dash Bitters, Angostura

1/2 tsp. Sugar Syrup

Mixing Instructions

Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into a cocktail glass.

04-04-10 - Today's Drinker

T.J. Snow — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 20:31:51 GMT

No history lesson needed for today's drinker. Happy Easter everyone. Seems like a reason to elebrate (drink)... Who's with me?

For this celebration, I suggest you try the "Psychotic Easter Bunny Stabbing A Leprechaun With A Shillelagh Dipped In Hydrochloric Acid"

Ingredients

2 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof

3 oz. Whiskey, Irish

1 1/2 Cup Milk

2 oz. Orange Juice

Mixing Instructions

Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into glass.

No history lesson needed for today's drinker. Happy Easter everyone. Seems like a reason to elebrate (drink)... Who's with me?
For this celebration, I suggest you try the "Psychotic Easter Bunny Stabbing A Leprechaun With A Shillelagh Dipped In Hydrochloric Acid"
Ingredients2 oz. Rum, overproof/151 proof3 oz. Whiskey, Irish1 1/2 Cup Milk2 oz. Orange JuiceMixing InstructionsShake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain into glass.

04-03-10 - Today's Drinker

T.J. Snow — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 21:28:09 GMT

Two astronauts were in a space ship circling high above the earth. One had to go on a space walk while the other stayed inside. When the space walker tried to get back inside the space ship, he discovered that the cabin door was locked, so he knocked. There was no answer. He knocked again, louder this time. There was still no answer. Finally he hammered at the door as hard as he could and heard a voice from inside the space ship saying, 'Who's there?'

On April 3rd, 1965, the U.S. launched the first nuclear powered spaceship... I think our enginuity is a good reason to celebrate... Who's with me?

For this celebration, I suggest making the "Space Monkey" drink.

Ingredients

1 shot Liqueur, banana

1 shot Whiskey, cherry

Fill with Tang

Mixing Instructions

Mix ingredients together in a mug.

04-02-10 - Today's Drinker

T.J. Snow — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 01:59:56 GMT

On April 2nd, 1917, President Woodrow Wilson asked Congress to declare war against Germany. Ithink this is worth celebrating... Who's with me?

For this special occasion, I suggest you try "The Burning Nazi"

Ingredients
1 part Jägermeister
1 part Rumple Minze
Mixing Instructions
Combine ingredients in a shot glass.