The Barry Rides

No new ideas - Enter the Ninjew

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 00:49:00 +0000

Last night an Asian and I were talking about typical nonsense. Why are we not rich? Why don't we have nice cars? Why are we Jews and Asians respectively? We ended up talking about selling real estate and then Enter the Dragon came on TV. Naturally, the conversation morphed into how I wanted a claw hand and Kareem Abdul Jabbar to be my sidekick as I sold real estate to Persians in Beverly Hills. Well my crafty Chinese friend told me I should write a movie called Enter the Ninjew about a Jewish Ninja who throws stars of David and has a yarmulke that also can be used as a flying disc of death. This is pure genius. Sadly when I did a Google search on Jewish ninjas there were over two million results. How is that even possible?

All Jews want to know kung fu hence yellow fever.

I got mugged

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:51:00 +0000

So last night I got mugged while sleeping. I was having this dream where this guy offers me a cup of coffee outside some mall when out of nowhere he tries to put me in a sleeper hold to steal my watch. Now either he was a really bad thief or I have a thick neck because I never fell asleep. All I did was scream over and over again don't take my watch. The point of the story is how lame is it that I got mugged in my dream. Your dreams are supposed to be a place where you bang super models and shoot lasers out of your eyes. Not a place where you beg muggers to not steal your watch. Tonight I am going to dream about karate lessons for the next time I get mugged. Oh, and hopefully dream of banging super models.

I have AIDs

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:19:00 +0000

I haven't been writing lately because I have been crazy distraught. You see, I was recently diagnosed with full blown AIDs. I'm not talking about that simple Magic Johnson crap either. I got sores that make me look like an extra from Pappillon. As you can imagine it has made my desire to write really fall off. Most of the time I can't even lift my hands to type so I figured the blog would just die a quick death like the one I am hoping to have. Nah I am just kidding! I haven't posted because I have been really lazy. Good news, my writing just got a full dose of AZT. I'm back and healthier than ever!!!!

I apologize to all of my readers with AIDs that I might have offended with this post.

Swine Flue Vaccine - I am legend 2

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:12:00 +0000

This is the first year I have ever gotten a flu shot. I was shopping in CVS when I saw a line forming toward the back of the store. I had no clue what it was for but I figured the best it could be was a line for blow jobs. The worst it could be was me giving them. Anyway I got a flu shot and have had no adverse reactions. Now I hear all this talk about how everyone needs a swine flu shot. I have read nothing on the subject but I did hear from a local homeless man that there hasn't been enough testing and there is a chance it could fuck my shit up. Based on that bit of information, I am saying there is a 50/50 chance that anyone who gets it will turn into a zombie. I don't like those odds. Have you seen I am Legend? I don't know any black doctors so I doubt we will ever find a cure.

The cameo in Zombieland is Bill Murray

Captain Lou Albano - RIP

noreply@blogger.com (Jake) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 00:34:00 +0000

Nothing funny about this.

Rest in peace you dear sweet man

No comment needed

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:40:00 +0000

I apologize for posting a video instead of writing a witty post about some nonsense, but I think that if you watch the tape you will agree I couldn't improve upon perfection.

FOUR DAYS TILL DYNAMITE!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:30:00 +0000

Do you hear me you honkey motherfucka? Friday Black Dynamite comes out. If you can't wait like I can't, you can kill some time at Black Dynamite Yo'self.

Right turn Barry - Final thoughts on Comic Con Long Beach

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:00:00 +0000

I stayed too long at this shitastic show for one reason and one reason only. That reason being to meet a man who not only worked with Clint Eastwood, but also with the greatest Chimpanzee to ever walk the south west. A man who can say he is fifty percent responsible for Juliette Lewis being alive. Juliette Lewis can thank witchcraft and Scientology for the other fifty percent. The man with all of these accomplishments is none other than Geoffrey Lewis. As I walked around Comic Con I noticed a table with some old photos from Any Which Way You Can and Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, but no one sitting there. I paced back and forth waiting to see if Orville was really going to show up, which kind of freaked out George Lazenby who had a table set up next to him. Ten minutes, fifteen minutes, twenty minutes. I waited and waited. Thirty minutes go by when finally Geoffrey Lewis comes walking in. Before he can even sit down I run up to him and shout like a crazy person, "I have been waiting for you!" I could tell by the look in his eyes I scared him. He apologized and told me he was at his daughter's soccer game. I jokingly asked, "Juliette's?" He said no (he has nine other kids) and asked me to pick a picture to autograph. He started to sign it before I could say sign it "Right turn, Barry." If I hadn't attacked him like a lion eating a gazelle I would have made him start over. I really need to work on my celebrity stalking.

Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 23:35:00 +0000

Thirty four years ago a young virgin Sybil was shopping in Medi-Mart when she got a cramp in her side. Not sure what to do she asked the pharmacist if there was anywhere she could sit and of course if she could use an expired coupon for Milk from another store for her purchases of toilet paper and cough syrup. Before the pharmacist could answer the floor was flooded with amniotic fluid and there was a sudden bulge in Sybil's polyester pants. She lost consciousness almost immediately. When she woke up in the auto parts aisle there was a baby in her arms. I was that baby!! There is still no explanation for how I came to be. All I ask is that you worship me on this day.

Crepes are shit

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:25:00 +0000

I am interrupting my Comic Con posting to discuss the shit hole Crepes to Go. Every day I torture myself and those who eat with me by deliberating on where to have dinner. If figuring the main course wasn't painful enough I seem to have a knack for not knowing where to have dessert either. God forbid it's the same place. Last night I was driving around LA trying to figure out where my sweet toof was going to be satisfied when my friend mentioned going to the Crepe Nazi. Before I go any further, let me preface this story by saying I hate crepes as much as Ricky Bobby. They make no sense. Sure give me one with some fruit in it and I can pretend it is a thin pancake, but try filling it with seafood and you have blown my mind. I don't go for the whole savory experience. I feel bad for the lobster jammed inside the crepe. It has to feel as out of place as I used to in gym class. So knowing I already have a chip on my shoulder about thin pancakes I should have said I will pass but instead I let curiosity get the better of me.
"Crepe Nazi?"
"Yeah, some hole in the wall crepe place on Sawtelle where the chef yells at you if you don't know your order in advance. There are no questions to be asked. You order, give money, and return when it is done."
"Fine, let's try it."

We pull up to the crepe place and the first thing I notice is the sign that states you should not enter without knowing your order. Only idiots and children can come in without being ready. Well I am a man child who is also an idiot so I really should have gotten a pass.

I walked in and ordered:
"I will have a pumpkin pie crepe and an apple crepe"
"We are out of pumpkin pie!!"
"Make it an apple and a peach"
"Okay return in twenty minutes. I do not want to see you until then"

I walk outside and wait patiently. Five minutes go by when the Crepe Nazi rang a bell. I look around and since there were no other customers I figure he finished early. I walked in to the crepe equivalent of Joseph Goebbels screaming:
"What did I tell you. TWENTY MINUTES!!!"

I scurried out in shame. I was so embarrassed that when the crepes were finally done I sent my friend to get them. Here is the worst part. For all the abuse I can't even report the crepes were good. They were ice cold and the fruit was out of a can. I don't even think it was canned fruit. I just think he had some dirty can full of cigarette butts and rancid peaches. I want this douche to go out of business. The store next door told me that the police have been called on several occasions by customers assaulted with a spatula. That reminds me of another story that I will tell in therapy.

There is one redeemable thing about this Nazi. This sign was hanging on his door:

WTF!!!

Let off some steam, Bennett.

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 20:07:00 +0000

Actual conversation I had with Vernon Wells of Commando and Mad Max fame:
Barry: It is an honor to meet you. I love your work. Commando was on yesterday.
Vernon: (Eyes roll) Yeah it is on every day. I wish it would go away.
Barry: Come on!
Vernon: I only make like 20 cents each time it is on.
Barry: That's too bad. Who is crazier, Mel Gibson or Arnold?
Vernon: Mel was cool. Arnold could get annoying.
Barry: Wow you were in Shrimp on the Barbi too!
Vernon: You know you look like Freddy Prinze Junior.
Barry: Okay I guess that is a compliment.

I promptly ran away after that.

Synchronictiy

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:47:00 +0000

Synchronicity is the experience of two or more events that are causally unrelated occurring together in a meaningful manner. To count as synchronicity, the events should be unlikely to occur together by chance.

So I am walking around Comic Con sweating my guts out because I had to park miles away and walk among nerds like I was one of them when out of nowhere I see Pat Harrington Jr. a.k.a. Dwayne F. Schneider a.k.a. the black plunger sitting at a booth signing photos of himself with a pack of cigarettes tucked under one sleeve for the sum of 20 bucks a pop. I did a double take and could have sworn he winked at me. What are the odds? I wasn't able to get my phone out quick enough to take his photo and there was no way he was getting 20 dollars from me so I am posting a picture of Anthony Michael Hall instead. I didn't get too close because his booth stunk like farts (seriously!), but he was probably signing photographs of himself with Chet.

More to come!

Comic Con in one picture

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:39:00 +0000

I am working on so many posts regarding the 53 minutes I spent at Comic Con Long Beach this past Saturday. I know you are dying with anticipation so while you wait for the real stuff I figured I would post a random picture of a nice family who clearly knew how to get their nerd on.

Comic Con Long Beach

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 21:10:00 +0000

I am thinking of going to Comic Con Long Beach tomorrow. I have no clue what I will find there. I am not even sure it is a real show. I am picturing a couple of homeless guys under the Gerald Desmond Bridge burning the Sunday comics. I figure it will take me at least two hours to figure out that homeless batman is not really Adam West. Or is he? Stay tuned for my show report tomorrow!

Mackenzie Phillips Sex Tape

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 23:26:00 +0000

Okay I have no idea if there is a sex tape, I was just bored and had nothing else to write about. Try to get that image out of your mind. Now that I think about it, I am willing to bet there is a One Day at Time porno spoof. I can picture it now, Schneider comes over to fix the drains with only one tool in his belt. That tool being a big black plunger. Wow my mind is broken.

My first death threat: thanks Noordin Mohammed

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 00:02:00 +0000

I just received my first death threat via email and I am honored. I have never felt more important in my life. I don't know what to do. Do I respond? Do I send the money? I can't believe their is a Jihad on my blog.

Awesome!

Here it is:

Look here you bastard. You think i have time for this your stupid talk, i just inform you that some one paid me to kill you and you are here talking no sence to me. this is like the same warning pass on to the america government when they ignore it and it became and ignorance to them, and this is the same warning also pass to the most polular MUSICIAN WHO WAS SHORT DEAD IN SOUTH AFRICA. am also passing this warning to you so if you want to ignore it then you too will face in hell and join the devil.

If you do not comply and cooperate with me in your reply to this email, you will leave me no option as to instruct my Boys to get you shot, for your informations you are to Pay the sum of $3,500 Usd to live your life as a free Citizen, but if you ignore.... As a matter of fact the person whom insructed me to get you killed is waiting for your Funeral news.

http://www.fbi.gov/terrorinfo/top.htm
http://www.historycommons.org/entity.jsp?entity=noordin_mohammed_top_1

Noordin Mohammed.
hm0384@hotmail.com

Bullshit : The Mackenzie Phillips story

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 20:16:00 +0000

I have it on good authority that Mackenzie Phillips is full of shit. Now hear me out before you think I am an animal for discounting her tale of woe. I am looking at this from a purely logical stand point. As any good lawyer with no license would do, I have broken this case down to three arguments as to why it is bullshit:

Reason 1: If you are John Philips, who from what I have been told by the interweb was at one point a famous rock musician at a time when condom was a bad word and sex with groupies bareback was the right thing to do, would incest ever cross your mind? I don't think so. In fact I know so. It doesn't make sense.

Reason 2: Let's take John Philips out of the equation for a second. Why would any man in his right mind want to have sex with Mackenzie Phillips anyway? Maybe I would have done it in 1979 because she was on TV and I was four years old, but that would have been purely for the story. She kind of reminds me of the crack whore in Boys N the Hood only she aint acting.

Reason 3: Assuming John Philips is so deranged that he doesn't want to have sex with tons of random chicks and really wants to bang his daughter, would Mackenzie be the first choice? Hell no! I am thinking I would have started with Chynna and ended with Bijou before the cuffs were on. The defense rests.

Case dismissed!!!!!!

DON'T STEAL THIS iDEA (that's a play on the whole Apple lower-case i thing)

noreply@blogger.com (Jake) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:45:00 +0000

In this post-Katrina economy we need to innovate with green solutions in order to create synergy. Where we used to enhance value with actual artifacts, these days it's all about the open platform. With that, I present what promises to be the most successful iPhone app to date, a GPS enabled dead Yale grad student locator.

Here's a screenshot:

I figure that between the marketing pitch that I started this post off with, and the millions of pre-orders I'm bound to get from the exposure that The Barry Rides offers, I should have no problem raising enough venture capital to buy a copy of iPhone Application Development for Dummies and getting this gravy train rolling.

Wolf hair and bits of credit card

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 18:41:00 +0000

Don't forget to watch It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia tonight. If it gets canceled and I find out it is your fault, you are all dead. You hear me? All dead!!!!

Heil Hitler

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 17:19:00 +0000

Rarely does a movie come around that can bring me to tears (Black Dynamite), but last night I simultaneously cried, shot milk out my nose, and shit my pants while watching Inglourious Basterds. Quite the feet since I haven't had a glass of milk in years. The shitting the pants part while crying, ehhh. Anyway, I can't recommend this movie enough. I went into it thinking it would be about some American Jewish soldiers kicking Nazi ass in France during WW2. What I did not expect was that Quentin Tarantino would rewrite history. His ending to WW2 is sooo much better than the real ending. So much better that if I ran a school I would burn all the history books I could find along with a few copies of the Koran, and make the students watch Inglourios Basterds over and over again. When they finally understood WW2, they could move on to watching Mash.

Now get out there and kill some Germans. I mean go see the movie.

Seating Chart

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:55:00 +0000

My brother sent this to me with the title "your seating chart at work." It's funny because it's true.

Kayne West - the white man conspiracy

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 22:51:00 +0000

I can picture George Jefferson saying it now, "That boy is an oreo!" People think Kayne hates white people. I know the truth. He deep down loves white people or he is a robot programmed to do their bidding. I can't say too much because of legal reasons, but if you look at who benefited from his antics you will soon realize I am on to something bigger than you and me.
Jay Leno - Kayne was the first guest on Jay's new show. Oh and Jay Leno happens to be white.
Taylor Swift - Sure her thunder was stolen for a night but now everyone is talking about her. Oh, and she happens to be white
Patrick Swayze - Dead and white - oops wrong post

All I ask is that you think about it.

*Picture of Kayne without makeup

BREAKING: Star of 'Dirty Dancing' dead at 57

randysexer@gmail.com (Randy Sexer) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 01:07:00 +0000

The Barry Rides has learned exclusively from Facebook that Patrick Swayze's bulge has passed away due to pancreatic cancer. God rest it's soul.

We will never forget

randysexer@gmail.com (Randy Sexer) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 00:03:00 +0000

Sorry this post is a day late but I just realized that yesterday was the anniversary of the attacks of 9/11. Normally we at The Barry Rides avoid serious topics when posting, with the exception of the occasional recipe (those really are good btw). However, on this solemn day (yesterday), we would like to have a moment of silence for our fallen heroes, and remember their courage in the face of extreme danger.

Game Over

noreply@blogger.com (Barry Rides) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 23:33:00 +0000

Is it wrong I spend 23 hours of the day wishing I had the ability to take people down with one of those power punch moves from the Street Fighter game? If memory serves me correctly it is called the Shinkū Hadōken or in layman's terms, the Vacuum Surge Fist. At least I don't dream of doing a Chun li Hyakuretsu kyaku (百裂脚, Hundred Rending Kicks). That would be silly.

I love Wikipedia.