The Back Page Box

Blog move

2016-12-26T22:47:00.002+00:00

since blogger doesn't even an app anymore on iPhone, I have had to move my blog onto something a little more supported, like wordpress. the new address is: thinkmorevisual.wordpress.com

quitting my job and travelling

2016-12-25T21:55:00.002+00:00

Of course this is the dream of many. Including me. How many times have I sat, on a Sunday night before starting a new week at work, thinking how would it be if I didn't have to go to work on Monday?

How would I feel? How happy, how carefree, how amazing would I feel? And especially at the start of all of this, knowing I've got the next 4 months ahead of me to travel and do whatever I like.

To tell you the truth, it's freacking scary, as well as all of the above. It's a bit daunting and just the right amount of adrenaline to keep it interesting. It's like a fucking massive leap into the unknown.

It's the little things that I'm enjoying right now. No Sunday evening dreading to start a new week, feeling the weekend was not enough. It's a continuous fucking weekend! All the time!

Being able to go to sleep late - really late, like however late I bloody want to go to sleep or as early. Because it doesn't matter. I've got no restrictions, no restrictions!!! On waking up the next day.

Also I'm enjoying eating when I get hungry rather than when it's lunchtime at work or because I got home after work etc.

I'm walking, swimming - reading more. So much freedom.

And scary. My leap of faith was not only taken to quit my job and go traveling for 4 months, but it was to get back and travel (in a couple of weeks) with my ex and make things work between us. It's a great adventure and a massive challenge.

It's a lot of people's dream. And when I went into contracting, it was also mine. And perhaps not planned much, but it's the way of the universe. It was always going to happen, but I only found out about it not long ago.

I'm still getting used to the idea. My first night alone, I finally got a chance to breathe and think about it all. I'm in a apartment suite, in a beautiful snowy Moscow, in the Savoy hotel. Flying back to London tomorrow. And then to the Philippines and beyond. I will be meeting the most amazing guy in Sydney in 2 weeks from now. I love him enormously. And he can't wait to see me. I am a very in love and happy girl. Until next time...

Destination: Freedom

2016-10-28T10:13:00.000+01:00

I am experiencing my ultimate idea of freedom. This is a bold statement, but I am making it because I really thought that this would only be conceptually possible.

So my ideal freedom situation would be for me to be free ... to make choices, to be completely myself and not feel like I am hurting people in the process. To be able to do what I want to do with anyone and whenever I feel like it.

It might sound selfish but it requires willing, aware and conscious partners to achieve this. Not desperate, needy, will accept anything guys. Not co-dependent guys. But empowered, confident, non judgemental and open minded guys. Not just guys who are after sex or something superficial. It's pretty rare to find one to even experience anything with. But having 2, probably 3 in my life, all knowing about eachother and still willing to stay open and be present when we do spent time together to feel able to create emotional, psychological and sexual intimacy.

I've been wanting all my life to feel empowered enough to choose consciously and make those choices based on what my true self wants rather than be reactive to my environment and succumb to fear, to social pressure or other people's limitations. Most of the time, in most of my relationships, I felt there were outside factors driving me. I wasn't behind the wheel at all. I wasn't driving myself. I was sometimes reacting, doing things just for the sake of doing them. I was other times scared or just looking for attention, looking to be loved and accepted. Looking in all the wrong ways. How can someone else accept you before you even know who you are and have accepted yourself?

I've always wondered what kind of a person I would be and what would my actual choices be. When given everything, that's when you know what your real choices are. The rest is just a mask which hasn't been peeled enough.

I've always wondered how I would treat other people, how I would feel about myself and what impact all of this freedom would have on me. Now I can see that I wasn't given all of this freedom before because I would just have been too reactive and too immature to handle it. I would have literally been like a child in a candy shop and just eaten it all and became sick.

Now, that I am a more aware and conscious person, I can not only fully realise the amamzing opportunity that has been given to me but also realise how lucky I am to have been given it now. Exercise ultimate awareness and consciousness by truly experiencing myself rather than eating all the candy.

Because this is always about me. I can only be in charge of my own happiness and I can only control my experiences. I can make my choices and realise what my preferences are. I cannot do anything for other people. It's either up to them to do all this to the best of their abilities or just fail trying. Or just react and stumble.

I think this experience will allow me to truly go deep into myself and into other people to reach for whatever the boundaries are. Reach for the limits and explore them. Enjoy them and not run away from them. And also know that reaching the first hickup this is not really the actual limit.

It's pretty damn hard to have the courage to reach further and try harder. Not to give up easily and just push, kindly and attentively.

Of course that all my life I have not been able to turn this concept into reality. I didn't even know fully what I wanted. Now I know. Not 100% but that's never going to happen. It's about being equipped enough to take the journey. Because the journey is about finding out more and more.

There is something powerful in the universe that manifests itself when you reach a point of clarity of what you want and that aligns with what you are also ready for, with what you need at that point in your life and then, to top it all off, when you are able to not get attached to the outcome.

All of these aligning just make a beautiful universal soup to offer you just an amazing experience.

So what is this experience? Well it's interacting at complex, deep and meaningful levels of emotional and psychological connection. But in expectation free way. I am seeing 3 guys and each of them have been told the whole truth about eachother to the levels that each of them is interested in. I have told to all and imparted to 2 of them my BDSM interests.

There are no lies, no hidden details, no half truths. The lack of guilt and responsibility is just amazing. There is no pressure. More so, all of them are quite complex characters. I've challenged them to stay open towards me and invest emotional energy. I am also doing that with them.

It's the ultimate liberation - giving yourself to someone truly without being attached to an outcome. Most people invest emotional energy because they expect they will get something at the end of it. That they will get a relationship, that they will get a wife or a husband or a father for their kids. All of these fucking expectations.

And of course that is not true love. Love that is conditional and love that is given with an outcome in return. That is neediness and fear and desperation. But that's not love. However, it works for most people so who am I to say?

I can only share my experience of establishing meaningful, growing and just fun connections with people in complete freedom.

We meet when we feel like it, we don't expect. We don't place our happiness on someone else and expect that someone else to do anything.

When these encounters happen I can say I am truly happy. Truly present and truly giving myself to someone as much as I can. It's so much fun! So much laughter. So much light hearted banter. And the open communication and the ability to talk about anything and everything because they already know everything that I would hide before.

So what is left once you strip everything that is fake off? I don't know. The ultimate truth? The ultimate love? The ultimate laughter and smiles. They are all one and the same. When you are in that space, all of these manifest simultaneously.

I have no idea what will come. Where will things evolve and develop? But I am enjoying the journey and not in slightest bit curious about the destination.

The most vivid dream I've ever had

2016-10-27T20:22:00.002+01:00

It really felt that I was in the Matrix. That I had taken both pills at once and just had 2 parallel but equally real experiences.

I am in a car with D. He is driving. Fast, as usual. I love him driving fast. It's one of the best and hottest sensations in the world. The trust that this man is taking me places. How calm he is. How much I love his big hands on the wheel. How safe and secure he makes me feel, like nobody else has ever done before.

I am laughing. He looks at the road and says to me that in moments like these he is reminded why he wants to be with me. Forever.

I look at him and think that I have never loved a man so much as I have loved this one. I feel his comment making me sick to my stomach. The pain....

(My sensation in my dream is so real that I can just feel it so present. I am sure if I had more dinner before going to sleep, I would have actually been sick. The pain in my dream is so real, so so real that even writing about it now makes me feel nauseated)

Hearing him saying those words just triggers us being someone outside, with lots of green around us. We are with his friends at a barbie. They ask him if I'm his date for the BBQ and he says that I am much more than that. It makes me smile.

I start thinking that I want him to want to be with me so much. And now that he has said those things.... Why I am not happy? Why am I not happy?

We switch to being in a white room. I look at him in the saddest, nostagic way. I feel him like a long lost dear memory. I am sad to have to go through this. I look around and I am next to a window. I can see outside the window. It's the bluest sky. That's all I can see. The blue of the sky. I say to him...

"This is a dream isn't it?" I don't look at him, keep looking at the window.
He says nothing.
"It's the most real dream I've ever had.", I say out loud.

I reach for the window sill and i touch it. It's a single glazed window.
"This is the most real window. How can it feel so real when it's a dream?"

I can feel the wood and the paint chips in the wood next to the glass. And I can feel the draft coming through from outside. The blue of the sky is just so beautiful.

"This feel incredibly real." I just pause there and I cannot believe how can my brain create something so real. I start to question if this is reality or not. And then I realise it. Then I just feel sad.

I turn around and look at him. "It doesn't matter, does it? No matter if it's real or just a dream, you know I can't. I cannot go back to you now. It's too late. Too many things have happened. I cannot anymore"

And then it just hurts. I think about all the things that I could have had with him. And all my plans that don't include him and the rest of my life that doesn't include him.

And then I go back to examine the window, to feel it one more time, because it felt like the most real window I've ever felt and I could not tell that I was in a dream.

But the realisation was that whether the experience was real or not, my reaction to it would be the same. i would say no in any scenario. To this person, knowing how he is and how he was with me, how I was with him. That was the whole point. I had to let go of this idea of getting back together, because spending my time hoping that he would want to at some point is just a waste of time. Because I wouldn't and couldn't go back to what our relationship was.

(and what is life but a dream. i don't know about your dreams, but mine are always fantasy type dreams. i always know to a certain extent that I am dreaming and the dreams are always symbolic and surreal and filled with magical stuff.

this dream was not. it was just the most real experience. i could swear it actually happened. rationally, i know that it can't. but if there are any parallel universes, then i could have been transported into that. it felt like that.)

the monsters in the background

2016-10-24T20:26:00.001+01:00

fear is such a nasty, debilitating feeling. fear of pain is just the nastiest feeling in the world. it's this ugly, meek and cowardly creature that just creeps on you and just don't see it coming. it never makes a sound, and you just don't even know it's there.

a day later after some beautiful thoughts and feeling, it came:

i am thinking about this guy too much. i've been thinking about him all day yesterday. it's too much. it's too soon. what am I doing? i can't fall in love again. i barely know him.

he's got major commitment issues. he told me himself that he has only loved one girl in his life and never again after; that he doesn't want to get hurt again. red flags, red flags.

what are you doing? what is wrong with you thinking of a guy like this? why would you even want to be with him? are you going to spend 1 year and half again trying to open up a guy that just doesn't want to be opened? what is wrong with you?

so much judgement, so much expectation from myself. so much anger and fear and pain. all of these do not allow me to be myself at all. so much nastiness towards myself.

what is the point of getting involved with someone now? it's not like it's going to last. the guy makes less money than you, he will never be able to keep up with what you want to do with your life.

what is wrong with you? why are you putting yourself in this situation? the futher you go along, the more you will care about him and the try to convince yourself that this isn't an issue. but it is, you know it has been in the past. are you trying to just find unsuitable guys so that you're never happy? are you trying to sabotage your relationships from the beginning by picking just the wrong guy for the long term?

so much fear. so much trying to change the past and so much trying to control the future. like any of them belong to me. so much avoidance. picking any small thing and going with it to great lengths.

so what you're thinking of him? don't you dare message him! he should message you first. how do you even know if he still wants to see you ever again after the weekend you've had? you're a weird creep. he probably thought you are a basket case and when he would have got home he probably thought he wants nothing to do with you because you're just too much.

that's why he didn't even bother to message you. you're not worth it

of course it all comes down to self worth. it comes down to love, how much i love myself, how much i accept myself and how much I treat myself with kindness. its a muscle that always need exercising. you cannot ever say you have this stuff sorted forever. because a new situation presents itself to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and then you have a choice. the choice is always there. and it's so easy to go down the self-deprecating path. oh it's always so fucking easy.

don't screw this up. you like the guy. you always screw things with the guys you like. you're weak and boring or you're too strong and too much. you're never just good enough. you son't stand a chance. you know you always screw things up.

so now what? you're scared? of course you are. because you probably don't have a heart anymore. it's been destroyed so many times that it just don't matter anymore. what's the point? what's the point of meeting people and trying to build any meaningful connections and steal moments of happiness when you know this isn't going to last. you know you're going to fail again.

yes, the black hole just gets deeper and deeper. the spiral keeps spiralling. but it's ok, you little monsters. just as cowardly as you act, my awareness of you has also improved. i can see you at the corner of my eyes. i can smell you stench. i know you are coming around with fear and pain because there is something good to destroy. otherwise you wouldn't bother. so i take your desire to devour what's good in life and use it to desire love towards myself. and to use that love to overcome the fear that you so much crave. to love myself more and more is all i can do. to caress and kindly forgive myself. to accept all of these thoughts and not engage with them. keep them away from my soul. make my soul strong enough not to engage with them.

when 2 worlds collide

2016-10-23T23:49:00.000+01:00

keeping my dating life with normal guys met on online dating apps and my BDSM/ sex party lives separate feels like I am a psychopath. it feels like I lead this double identity life where on one side, I have these weird, not yet understood and not fully explored alternative interests, while on the other side, I am going to dinner dates and meeting guys in the normal world, trying to think about what a boyfriend material would be like, what I should behave like.

it's exhausting and not really truthful. it's definitely not me, because I am none of those things in separation. I am both, in the same time and so much more. so i can either open pandora's box to the normal guys I meet and open myself up for criticism, judgement and rejection or I can just stop one of them.

so i decoded to open up. one of the guys I'm seeing. met him only 4 times in my life. but pretty much, slowly, I told him about me, with all the dark and deep secrets. this wasn't someone that I just wanted to have a one night stand with or just wanted to do a BDSM session with. this was a guy I like, a guy that i want to try and incorporate both a normal relationship as well as my BDSM interests with.

i knew this was going to be hard. in so many ways. jealousy, misunderstandings, insecurities, fear. pre-conceptions. people just find it easy to run away. staying is always hard. i am so new to the BDSM stuff that I don't even know who I am with it fully, i certainly don't know where it fits with my idea of relationships. I don't know how i could ever explain it to someone else since I'm still unclear myself.

but, somehow, I just pushed myself to do it. it was received with an open mind, curiosity. lack of judgement, interest and a can do attitude. i open myself up and he opened himself up. he gave me the feeling that nothing stands in the way unless you let it. he doesn't like boundaries and tries to push himself and me to reach for more.

open communication and a meaningful connection. that's what it's all about. at least for me.

it was really hard to try to explain to someone something that I cannot fully understand myself. and also talk openly and honestly to someone that you're dating about other guys. someone who is not jealous and someone who doesn't get hurt by me being myself. I have been so used to just managing people's feelings because i know that that way I am might hurt them, that is was such a liberating experience to be able to reveal myself like that to someone.

and for this stranger to receive me with open arms, with their own opinions and their own limitations but with the most amazing attitude. i couldn't believe that i could have the conversations I shared with him and still have a functioning relationship at the end of the conversation. I didn't think it would be possible since I didn't know what it is that I want, that can give myself.

I don't want a fuck buddy. I don't want to commit to someone. I don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness, just like nobody is responsible for mine. i want to be free to make my own choices, and act upon my own feelings, regardless of someone else. i want to have my own experience, but share my feelings and thoughts with someone. I want to be able to openly communicate all of these things and be free of expectation.

i want to get to a place where my actions and feelings naturally converge towards someone, but not because of guilt, emotional blackmail, fear of being alone, not because it's easy and it's expected by others. but because that is my pure, unadulterated soul choosing consciously and in full awareness to be with someone.

it's so rare and so difficult to free yourself of all of the layers that society has imposed on you. it's even harder to find someone who has done that for themselves. and then, when you are at your most rare and most vulnerable to actually be compatible.

i have been so hurt and it took me so long to even be able to function as a human being again. i still feel scarred and still feel fearful of pain and getting my soul out there again. but i feel i have grown more in the past 3 months of my life than i ever have. pain is an excruciating thing, but my god it tends to wash off all the dust away.

i feel like i have been through a cathartic experience. i do feel re-born.

what is the purpose of life if not growth and changing into someone better all the time. achieving the grandest vision of yourself.

my first sex and bdsm party

2016-10-23T23:30:00.000+01:00

yes. at some point, from the shy girl that couldn't even walk around in a women's changing room naked.... i have now gone to my first party.

they say women in their 30s reach their sexual peak. maybe it's that.

maybe curiosity killed the cat. the kitty kat ;)

haloween themed party - but everyone was wearing more kinky rather than fancy dress.

i was slightly nervous about how the atmosphere was going to be. i thought due to the sexual nature that it was going to be quite predatorial, quite alpha male charged and a bit aggressive or competitive. but they have very strict rules and enforcing them.

so only women can do the approaching and only women can initiate stuff. and no means no. it was extremely safe, extremely well managed.

there is something about entering a room where people leave social norms and pre-conditions judgement at the door. and they are allowed to wear whatever they want and behave however they want. the freedom of expression of one individuality is very powerful. in the same way that I feel a certain energy at glastonbury from 250,000 people being allowed to dance and express themselves freely, i felt the same when i entered the dancing room at this party.

with DJs and tables and sofas, fire shows and dancing shows, this was the room where a club would just be the same.

the second room was the dungeon. BDSM was practised and watched here. unfortunately, I found it disappointing how the stereotypes were played here: most guys that were doms (dominating) just had women subs (submissive). so there was a lot of ropes, spanking, whipping. there was no screaming. a lot of people watching on the sides. everything was very civilised with a dungeon master supervising everything.

the third room was the playroom. people here played - a bit light touch BDSM but mostly sex. guys with girls, mostly. sofas on the side for watchers and in the middle for people liking being watched.

and then, the there was the secret room. the orgy room. this was a small room, maybe 3 by 3 meters. with a lot of people in there. doing a lot of things. everything that you can thing of, together, all in a tight small space. the atmosphere was electrifying.

I went there to watch, learn, meet some like minded people and especially learn more about BDSM. I found quite a few guys who are doms and shared thoughts and feelings with them. I felt natural and at home there. accepted and not judged for who I am and what I like. talking to like minded people, talking freely about sex and about pleasure made me feel liberated. it's a adrenaline rush that lasted 2 days. it felt like a natural high. due to the sensory stimulation, the informational load, the experiences and the visuals that I took in.

I didn't do anything. with anyone. somehow. I didn't know what to expect, but i thought that if i see other people engaged in having sex live, in front me, that I can touch... i thought that i might also want to join in.

instead, i was just focused on my BDSM experience. i didn't find a sub guy, unfortunately. i wanted to, but would have also been quite shy to perform in front of so many people.

the intimacy to which I dominate a guy was lacking there and couldn't tell you if I liked that or not. I still quite like the one to one experience, even if it involves whipping someone.

anyway, somehow my brain was not in the zone. with all the sex around, I was just not interested. it was almost because it was there, so readily available that I didn't want it.

maybe because it was my first experience, i don't know. I want to go to more and see how things are different. it's definitely something that I expected to struggle with a lot more. but i loved it.even if I didn't get involved. but being around freedom is never enough. freedom is never overrated.

A few Rules of dating

2016-09-26T11:10:00.000+01:00

So thought I'd put together a few rules that I found during my dating experiences. I think these are quite useful to jot down to remind myself sometimes.

1. Guys will normally go for drinks at a first date – this is because they want to keep it light and casual, so you can get out of the dating situation after one drink, in case things don’t go very well. This totally makes sense and is a very practical approach.

2. A first date will normally be during the weekday – this is when you both live in the same city - again, this relates to both of you being able to get out of the date easily if it doesn’t go very well, because you have work the next day. Dates that take place in the weekend are a bit more complicated because the guy might take the girl home, expect to be invited in, being awkward in the morning after and spending too much time together, without actually knowing each other.

3. Most guys either play it cool or are cool – don’t expect them to text straight after a date, be in touch all the time because they either don’t want to seem too clingy or are simply not that bothered because guys don’t really develop attachment and feelings as quickly as girls can – it takes them a significantly longer time to generally care.

4. Does the guy like me? – this is one of the hardest questions to answer. This gets harder the more a girl likes the guy because her judgement is impeded by subjectivity (you want the guy to like you and your mind will make-up reasons to make that seem true). One simple way for me to establish this is: is the guy putting in the effort? Is he replying to texts quickly? Is he arranging dates? Normally guys are go getters and will chase if they like the girl. There are exceptions, where the guy is shy or insecure and you just have to deal with those on a one to one basis and decide if you want to even be seeing that type of guy.

Normally, also asking the guys - if they are interested in seeing each other again, if they liked you etc also works. A lot of girls find it hard to ask that because of course you are opening yourself up for being hurt, but honesty and knowing goes a log way for me. At least you know to move on, rather than not knowing.

5. Forget about the "no sex on the first date" or "no sex before monogamy". It's rubbish.

99% of my sex on the first date have been guys wanting to see me again.

I'm not saying sleep around on your first date with everyone. But use your common sense. If you're having a great time and the sex just flows naturally and so it happens that it's the first date, don't worry too much about it. Guys don't judge girls like girls judge other girls. The guy will want to see you again because of your personality, if you made an impression on him not because you had or didn't have sex on the first date. In fact, if he wants to see you again and you already had sex, then you definitely know he likes you for who you are, not just to get sex.

6. If you met on an online dating site, guys appreciate girls asking to meet in person rather than have long online conversations. Since visual stimulation is important for a guy, seeing a girl in person is much better than engaging into verbal chit chat. Chemistry is second to none so you could be chatting to days, weeks and months but when you actually meet, things can just fall apart very quickly due to lack of chemistry. The guy will also be more interested in conversation if he sees the date and is physically attracted to the girl.

Last one: There are always exceptions to the rules – that’s why we are all individuals and unique. All I am talking about here are trends and generalising. Make sure that the guy being an exception to these rules is right for you and that you are not just happy to date the guy just for being “different”.

the most painful lunch

2016-09-05T11:57:00.000+01:00

seeing you at lunchtime was heartbreaking. again. seeing someone that you care about suffering is one of the worst feelings in the world. especially when that person doesn't allow you to help them in any way.

despite all that, you have yet to understand that all the pain that you are in is an indication of your feelings. your heart is screaming at you about it feels and you are denying it. you miss me so much that you soul is just crushing under all of that pressure of your denial.

i was really shocked to see you so raw, so vulnerable and so open today. your feelings were pouring out of you. it's more than i have ever seen of you since i've known you, so i guess I felt quite lucky to get a glimpse of your big and scared heart.

all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms and just be alone, in a room together and not talk, just let my touch heal you. just stroke your head, your back and embrace you just so you know that everything is ok and that you don't have to suffer like this and that there is nothing to fear. that I am here for you. and that together we can deal with anything. i can help you with anything.

sadly, it also made me think about doing stuff together. when you mentioned you're going back to australia, i thought I would love for you to want me to come with you, whatever the adventures might bring. and how we could be planning all of these exciting and scary things together, panicking and laughing about it all, together, as a team.

but, as I said, my pain and my happiness are not your responsibility. I am a grown up and can handle myself. I aware of the fact that you are looking for someone that will make you feel in love with them and spark something in you that will make you want to be different with them.

despite all that, I can still be your friend, support and help you. I do know you better than you know yourself and you can trust me with anything. i have never nor will ever have any intention to harm you, but have every desire to make you happy in any way I can, as a friend and as another human being. this is my intention with anyone I have ever met in my life.

i really think that you would be so much happier with your quality of life and wouldn't think to move any countries or jobs in search of or running away from anything. because you've got all of that potential inside you. and lack of happiness will, unfortunately, follow you anywhere you go.

it was really nice to see you today and despite me apologising for causing you pain, I am not sorry we met. I know that sometimes you don't say the most helpful things for yourself, so you saying that you don't want to see or be contacted might be one of those.

But other than offering all of this help and you knowing it's there for you, I am not sure what else to do. Asking for help isn't something bad, nor you moaning. I am used to you, as you are. I accept you for all of your bad moments and good moments, so you "moaning" at me might be a perspective issue: I see it as a good thing, you might see it as a grumpy moment.

sharing with me things that you might think are painful to hear for me or hard to say or admit to yourself shouldn't stop you from asking for help. getting this stuff our of your head and being in a trusting environment is good thing and the best thing you can do for yourself now.

I cannot help you if you won't let me. Just remember I have always been a friend to you first, before anything else. And that will never change.

re-building castle in the sky

2016-08-31T14:03:00.000+01:00

It’s amazing what even the smallest amount of time with yourself, starring at a plan blue sky does to your brain and feelings. It gets me perspective, it cleanses me and heals me. In fact, I heal myself. But being busy and doing something all the time doesn’t allow yourself to go inside and just medicate yourself. Because I’m always doing something, I’m always putting energy into my environment, outside myself.

So today, I’ve just sat in the shade, starring at the blue sky, at some clouds in the morning, sometimes some birds and sometimes some planes. For a good few hours.

I realised that I’ve been hurting so much over this man, whom I’ve loved so much, I’ve give so much of myself that I just didn’t even know where to start healing.

But I stopped thinking about that, and just imagined what exactly would be the scenario that would be idea for me, fearing to think and imagine because with great hope comes great disappointment. And that’s why people don’t dream and stop themselves from achieving so many things. Fear of failure and disappointment jus paralyses so many of us.

So I started thinking that I still love this man and I want to be with him. I want him to come back to me and say he’s sorry for all he’s put me through and that he wants me to take him back. And the more I said these things, the more I imagined the reality actually turning into that, the more I started to really, actually think about this imagined reality.

My first gut instinct was that I would need a lot of time to think about it. That he trust he has broken is going to be hard to repair. And then I thought that he would need to find ways to prove to me that he is worth my trust this time. And then I thought that he probably wouldn’t even know what that means. He is not a man of romantic gestures, he is not a man of big things.

And then I started to think about the things that I would need to set straight with him before ven considering to get back together. Like a dysfunctional friendship that he has with a girl, who is in love with him for probably a decade, denying herself the emotional openness to connect to another man and either both of the of just him being unaware of this. That he needs to stop being selfish and let her get over him in order for her to actually be able to find someone. Then I thought he wouldn’t even believe or understand any of this.

Next, the man is just simply unaware of his feelings, his life, his own being. He would need to do something or search for ways to improve this awareness, because I could never trust him again if he stays at the same level of awareness. I don’t think he would be capable of doing anything about it.

Linked to it, but perhaps more tangible would be communication. He cannot communicate about his feelings, fears, emotional problems, mostly cause he is unaware of them, but even if he is aware of them, he just doesn’t communicate. So this is something that can dealt with in some sort of therapy, perhaps the easiest of the 3 mentioned above. But still, knowing him, this would be just impossible to even talk about. Ironically….

After all of these, I realised that this imagined getting back together is the best thing that has happened to my pain. This was all ran through in my head, in a rational and objective manner and I realised that, actually, probably, I cannot get back with this man even if he wanted to. As I would be wanting to be a relationship with someone else. Someone who is able to at least attempt to deal with their problems. Someone he simply is not.

So, all of a sudden, my fear of losing this ideal scenario has become bearable Because instead of clinging onto this so much, and hurting that it’s not happening, I am realising that it cannot happen anyway. I would be getting back to a figment of my imagination, not the actual guy. The actual man, as good as he is, might be slightly far away from what I need to re-build a broken relationship with.

love, D.

2016-08-17T23:21:00.004+01:00

I've been struggling so much since your last email. More than I thought it was possible. All week I have been in a zombie state. I have left work every day at 9pm hoping to get home too braindead to run so many thoughts in my head. And yet, every night I've fallen asleep crying.

The previous week I had closure. I said to you what I had to say in my email and you replied promptly and coldly with us being friends. I knew exactly where I stood with that and knew how to act accordingly. It was going to hard, but I knew that somehow I have to start healing and find some power to move on, try to be friends with you. Because you were where you were and there was nothing I could do about it.

But you last email completely destroyed me emotionally and psychologically.

It was so much love and so much pain in there. So many emotions and thoughts. You've never said that you want to touch me or kiss me before. That you want to just spend more time with me. That parting from me in any other situation was hard. You've never said that seeing me just made you want to be with me. You've never checked my facebook profile before. For one year and half I felt paranoid and crazy at time about you even liking me. I just didn't think you were able to consciously experience those emotions. I just never thought it was possible. And then you write to me that email and I couldn't even believe it came from you, from your soul. I have read it so many times I know it by heart now. I still cannot believe you wrote it.

And you ending it with "love, D." was just cruel after me having to listen to you saying that you don't love me so many times than I even want to remember. what is that even supposed to mean? and how can you mention love to me for the first time in an email? it's so painful I cannot even function if I think about it.

after your email about wanting us to be friends I just thought I have a way to move on in the future. I also thought I must have imagined our entire relationship and made it up in my head as something more, when it wasn't really anything more at all. and i could just re-adjust my reality and try to move on and try to be friends. but then, then you just expressed everything else. it's more than you've ever done before multiplied by 100. and where does that leave me? why couldn't you just write it and not send it?

why did you send it? what do you expect from me now? you could have just said that you will go silent for a while. i didn't need an explanation. it has brought me so down i can barely recognise myself. i don't even know how to pick up all the pieces from the floor. i cannot even speak to people after i got your last email. i start crying whenever i start telling anyone anything. i just gave up and decided A. seeing me crying is enough.

i keep thinking what it is that i could have done differently to make you express your feelings and communicate and connect with me throughout those 18 months. what did i do so wrong that you just kept so hidden away from me for so long. and not even hidden, but even telling me the opposite of your feelings. what was it that i did so bad for you not to trust me, not to want to give yourself to me? what mistakes could i have avoided and what more could i have done to have you as close to me as you were in that last email? why did it have to get to us breaking up for you to even express any emotion at all towards me?

i am completely non-functional. i went on facebook today to find so many messages posted by S. about her wedding, J. tagging you in photos, like that is necessary to anyone. like you sleeping with her in the same hotel room and going to a wedding without me wouldn't be bad enough. like your actions and your words haven't been horrendously painful already. no, she is now sharing photos of you and her, just like she did before we were together.

i understand you need some time off and time to think. but you could have done that and came back to me if you felt that you wanted to at the end of that time off. but writing me that email and then fucking off, leaving me in some limbo state, in which i cannot even function like a human being, is just amazingly cruel and selfish.

and to think that despite all this I still fucking love you. i must be insane. i felt like i was going mad when we were together with your actions not matching your words so much. and now, when you have showed me that you are indeed capable of deep emotions and expressing them, I just think I am back to being mad for even still loving someone who has hurt me like this - I can't even remember the last time, if ever, that i have been in this much pain.

and all of it for what? for you to realise what an amazing thing we had? for you to try to find your ideal person that you just know from the first second that you want to spend the rest of your life with? you wouldn't be able to recognise them even if they held a banner over their head. because you are the banner bearer and nobody else. the rest you build and work on together. but i guess if it took you a year and half and you losing me to realise you actually miss me, then you realising the rest might take you a good few years.

i feel it's going to take me years to get unbroken from you. and of course i can pretend very well, i will alway smile to strangers and laugh at people's jokes. but experiencing a man's loving gestures to only doubt every single one of them because he tells you so many times he doesn't love you, to only hear from him that he does love you in an email after you have broken up, takes a lot of healing. i don't even know where to start, i'm that lost.

the man is not a robot

2016-08-16T08:20:00.001+01:00

after a year and half together, I would have described my ex bf as a robot. and then, i discovered that he isn't. it only took us breaking up to reveal that.

this is the email he wrote to me after helping me get my motorbike this past weekend. he has never said that he wants to touch me, kiss me nor spend time with me in 18 months. not a single time.

so much love and pain was expressed in this email from a man who says he doesn't love me. because loving me for him is committing spending the rest of his life together with me and just doesn't know if he can do that.

it's heartbreaking.

"I was hoping yesterday would be the first step towards being friends, but it was really hard for me, much harder than I was expecting. All day I just wanted to touch you and kiss you and just spend as much time as possible with you. I thought things might be a little weird, but the whole day was heart wrenching. It's not been a great week, but actually seeing you made me really realise much more what I've been missing. Walking away from you yesterday afternoon was the hardest thing I've done for as long as I can remember.

You're absolutely right that I was taking you for granted. The big stuff like the amazing adventures we've had, and the little stuff, like waking up next to you on a Sunday morning.

With you not telling me what you were doing last night, and seeing that you've changed your name on facebook, then you're right to think that I don't want to know what you're doing. Thinking about you means I can't really function today and it's going to be another week of sleepless nights.

So I'm writing to say that I won't be in touch for a while. I didn't want to just go silent and for you to think I've just forgotten about you and moved on. It's quite the opposite. The only way I think I can cope is to just not see you for a while.

I really don't know that this is the right thing to do. I've stared at the screen for hours now agonising over this. Right now I'd be instantly happy if you were to forgive me and we could go back to being together (assuming you'd even want to). Instead, I'm choosing to be miserable and alone - because of some imagined utopian future with somebody different, who probably doesn't exist.

I'm afraid now though that I'd fall right back in to taking you for granted, and I can't do that to you again.

I wish you all the happiness you deserve, but for now I can't bear to see you without being with you.

love, D."

Closure

2016-08-10T23:24:00.000+01:00

From D, after my last email communication with him gave me closure. I feel strong, empowered and good for being able to move on. We can try and stay friends, whatever happens, I know where I am now. It's a good place to be.

The power of closure should never be underestimated. I am thankful that he did offer me this closure and enabled me to start moving on now.

"Finally having the chance to read and digest this while at least being half awake.

I don't really know what to say in reply I guess. There's lots that I can understand what you're saying, and some that I don't really agree with. Seems kind of moot to argue any of it now though.

I had a really great time being together, whether it was going on travelling adventures or just laying around doing nothing. You're amazing and your patience with me is incredible.

I really wish I felt differently, and like you say, maybe I'll come to regret it in time. You deserve somebody who will adore you 100%, and tell you everyday. I don't like that I haven't been that for you, and I feel like I was unfairly stringing you along as a result.

I hope it goes without saying that I still really care about you. It's a cliche, but I do really hope that we can stay (become?) good friends. It's rare for me to meet somebody who 'gets' me.

It feels weird to know you're probably having a rough time, but I'm not there to help you. I hope you doing okay right now and that you're friends are looking after you.

D."

goodbye and goodnight

2016-08-07T23:27:00.000+01:00

i was broken.

i was searching for my way for a long time. i had just started to find something that resonated with my soul but i never knew if it was really music or just a brief sound. i didn't know if i was just taking up words that sound good but not really apply them. i needed to find my true self somewhere between words and ideas of other people and my own feelings.

and then you came along. and i fell in love so hard. so mighty. i hadn't felt like that since i was 17 years old. butterflies were in my stomach before every kiss. every touch was just filled up with joy and shyness and fear at the same time. a unique blend of the most godly feelings. love like that doesn't come very often. it's the best and the scariest.

i was so insecure and constantly doubted myself. i was so scared of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.

i had no idea that those were just the perfect conditions for me to show how much i've grown and how much i've changed.

the more i had to lose, the more pain that could come with it. and the easier it would be for me to go down the avoidance path and take familiar, superficial route. and be closed and uninvolved.

but i didn't. i jumped. i loved you so much, but most of all, i showed you so much of my love. i stayed open, despite you being more closed than i could ever imagine someone can be. i stayed warm, affectionately touching you, despite you being the coldest man I have ever been with. i started all of our talks, despite my heart shrinking to a pin head. i kissed you first, i touched you first, i initiated more of our intimate moments than i could ever imagine i was capable of. i had never been able to do that before i met you.

i smiled more when i should have bled. i smiled and took another hit, because i realised with every emotional punch how strong i am. and all of my power was coming from my ability to accept you for who you are, to love you with all your flaws and to forgive you for all your wrongdoings because i knew none of them were directed towards me. i had taken so many of these things personally in all of my previous relationships.

instead of reacting, i gave myself 24h to think through and consciously explore my feelings and my beliefs. not what society has taught me i'm supposed to think and feel, but what i actually think and feel. every time when i did that, i felt so empowered. i had been so reactive before i met you. instead, i got to be rational, i got to feel in control and stay open towards you.

i experienced jealousy for the first time. i have always had complaints from my previous relationships that i am not jealous.

when feeling hurt, instead of seeking vengeance like in the past (not in an aggressive way, but still in a you-got-me, i will-get you way), i seek to turn the other side of my heart. i used to know all of the guys who loved me so well, and i would just be able to hurt them so easily and use that knowledge to hurt them back whenever i felt that they hurt me. they, of course, didn't mean any of it, but i would still enjoy using my power when, in fact, i didn't know how weak i was.

you made me realise how nice, caring and gentle i can be. i was truly amazed by how much i was able to change and how quickly you got those positive aspects out of me. they were buried deep down inside, but they came out so much with you. i have been so patient, so understanding. so gentle, so caring, so expressive. you have also been nothing short of amazing, just like many others in my past.

i am so grateful for having had the opportunity to practice and learn first hand all of these aspects of myself. it truly requires a special kind of man to get me to where i have gotten and i can only say you were exactly what i needed.

finally, the last thing you taught me about myself is commitment. i have never been more committed to someone else before. i wanted to make our relationship work, fix it and improve it rather than just run away and start another one, which would have been my normal path at the first sign of trouble.

i always have said about myself that i have commitment issues. but you have made realise that you are truly the first man that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. and that is the most empowering feeling.

because you see, i am not broken anymore.

i thought i was irreparably broken. but you made me feel whole again. it's funny feeling like this since we just broke up, but you see i don't need to be with you or anyone else to feel whole.

i wanted you to want to be with me forever and you just weren't there. and that's ok. but me being capable of wanting something as big as that commitment i feared all my life that i would be incapable of feeling. and you showed me that i am capable.

all of this might sound ridiculous cause i'm a girl, right? all girls want to get married and have children. but you see, i have never been like any of my friends, i have never felt like i belonged. i have always felt like an outsider. like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. i heard all of my friends all of my life talking so effortlessly about commitment and sharing a life with someone like it was the most natural thing to feel. and I could never feel, never understand, never empathise. i could pretend, i would make them laugh at my weirdness, i could just play it down, but it was always fake.

and i know it was my fear of getting hurt, my fear of pain that was never going to allow me to go all in. it was my hating so much of myself that i could not find it in my heart to love myself.

and then, i felt it all. i felt so much love for you and then so much pain. on the day of my house warming party, i finally did it. i experienced the pain that comes with loving someone so much and them hurting you. the pain that comes from being truly open with someone and giving them the best version of your raw soul. and my soul got torn apart, but it somehow bounced back and became stronger and better for it. it became more adaptable and more flexible. my worst nightmare happened and it was the best experience.

and then every hit after that, was just a stretch. it just exercised my power - to keep loving you despite what you were saying, to forgive you and find the best in you when you didn't see it yourself.

and of course i felt more pain, i am not immune to it. but i have now seen what it is to grow and become better for it. so much growing. the love that i had for you changed me in more ways than i could have ever thought possible. it has brought balance, healing, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness in my heart.

and there's no better feeling in the world than realising what you're made of, when things are good as as well when things go bad. and staying in a loving place when you are in pain is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but by far the most rewarding.

i could never thank you enough.

goodbye and goodnight my love.

long live mistreating people

2016-07-17T22:34:00.000+01:00

after the all-time best being told to your face that your boyfriend doesn't love you and is with you just because he cannot be fucked to deal with meeting girls from online dating sites, it was arguably difficult for me to spend a weekend with him.

so one of my lovely, bless them my life would be empty without them, friends advised me to take a step backwards and re-gain some power for myself.

i have gone back to being a complete bitch, playing the game to get a man. this means being completely cold, letting him do all of the initiating, no touching, no being nice and approachable. be nice and chatty with his friends and do things together, but don't give myself to him, like i would normally do, in everything.

i cannot even describe the "game-playing" properly to be honest, because it's something that I've done so much of my life but equally something that is so far away from what I really am, that the minute I started being myself and acting naturally, I forgot all about how I used to pretend to be in the past.

being a bitch is all about control - controlling the other person and keeping yourself closed to emotions and love and hurt and fear and everything else that might come when you open yourself up. but truly open yourself up, not when you think you give a shit, but in fact you don't. this manifests as the other person being all needy for your attention, for your affections, for your love and you drip feeding them just to keep on the hook, for them to keep coming back for more.

most people and most relationships are probably somewhere along that range of psychological sado-masochism and co-dependency. long live neediness and mistreating people. people love being mistreated. it fucking works like a wonder. of course the quality of people this works with is another matter, but let's not judge too much, because we all do the best with what we have got and we already are fuming the masochists wanting to find more reasons why they are so bad and unworthy.

so i retreated. no more kisses, no more touches, no more hugs, no more contact. no more me initiating any sex, no more me getting close to him. i didin't quite go down to 0, but from 100% to about 5% is a significant drop for me to see him reacting or not to this change.

he did. he touched me. he kissed me. he initiated, he came to me. he moved and he adjusted and he did start all of the things I would have. he was craving for touch, he came and kissed me more times than he initiated in the past 6 months or more.

fucking idiot, i say. what a fucking damaged person can you be that in order for you to act like a partially functional normal human being that your girlfriend has to be be fucking mistreating you. what the fuck is wrong is wrong with people? me included.

fucking sad and depressing that is.

i can see how it used to empower me and how i took it all for granted. i didn't have to lift a finger to get touched, loved, adored, every wish that i had would have been done for me if i wanted. of course i took it all for granted, because i didn't have to do anything to get all of this. it all came to me. i had power and i had control over my life and their lives. i wielded people's emotions, people's beliefs and took no regard what I was doing. of course i didn't know anything different.

so when i meet the first guy who is mistreating me and not giving me any of these things, i fall in love with him. i will say, in my defence, he is the first guy who also fulfills every single high requirement I have of a whole of other things in life, but that's beside the point. i fell in love with the bad guy - not the bad guy from a society's definition of a bad guy - but my emotional and psychological bad guy.

so now of course his change of behaviour indicated more that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. the minute i pull out, he comes in. that doesn't happen with someone who doesn't want to be with you. what a head fuck. because i've got no desire to be a bitch at all. i've got no desire to be with this man who requires me to be someone else.

i have every desire to be the nicest, the most open, the most flexible and the most amazing girlfriend ever. to someone who is able to handle that and doesn't need to be pointed out that he is blissfully unaware of him even loving me. what an idiot. again, fucking shocking. to be with someone who doesn't even know they love you. what a head fuck.

well, i guess karma had to work its magic at some point and in some grandiose manner to make up for all of the guys i've screwed up along the years. and there is no way i could have understood all of this about myself or other people if not going through it.

what's next? we have a month. on 17th august, exactly a month from today, we are going to one of his friend's wedding. i am going to continue playing some sort of game in which I am still in this relationship and i still give a shit. pretending i can do so well, even if it takes quite a bit of effort and pain to hide my true self. but, in all of this pretending, the easiest part is not showing my love for him, because my love for him is dying every day. so probably in a month, it will be 6 feet deep with red roses on its grave.

what an amazing experience.

when consciousness prevails

2016-07-13T12:10:00.001+01:00

there are people that we are lucky enough to come across in our lives which are unique. some search for connection most of their lives and do not have the fortune or ability to meet anyone to form these kind of connections with.

there are definitely people in this life that are just soul mates, regardless of gender. I have 2 female ones. And a male equivalent. It's obviously more complicated when you get a man and a woman together in such amazing conditions, due to our less spiritual and more human genetic pre-conditioning.

the two of us are still finding boundaries of morality, social norms and guilt, but even the process of discovering those boundaries is empowering and amazing in itself. it's a journey of self searching and self growth, while exploring togetherness at levels way beyond individual capability.

you know in movies when you see 2 people together and each of them say the perfect thing at the perfect time. or the gestures are the perfect amount of love, tenderness and still giving eachother space and individuality. Or a scene where the guy kisses the girl in the most perfect way at exactly the right time without any of it seeming like a sex scene but just pure love and kindness and connection. you look at these scenes and you think that only happens in moves because real life connections are filled with practicality and routine. but here I am, telling you that they are real. for 5 minutes or 4 hours - but time is a human made up unit that measures change and transformation in nature. today - now is eternity. every moment that every person has is eternity, they just don't live it like that.

he loves me in such an amazing way and he gets and filters out only the best in me, the purest ME at my greatest depths where fear and sadness and negativity just don't exist. just love, joy, bliss and happiness merge and collide.

together with him, i have reached heights and depths of myself that I didn't know existed. and this is not a journey of just self discovery. because it's a journey of connection. it's only through that connection that these things are possible. it's the most enabling and the most empowering kind of connection. something that you cannot achieve on your own and something that makes you realise what soul mates are actually about.

it's not about the physical mating, it's not about the psychological mating, where each person is incomplete and co-dependent and needy for themselves as an individual to feel whole. a lot of people are in this state, of constant need and crave to be happy and get those things that they believe makes them happy temporarily. they will compromise and do anything to get a quick fix, just to get a high from being with someone, just to get a little love. but of course you cannot get real love from someone who doesn't love themselves. you cannot get real attention from someone who doesn't have self worth.

it's only when an individual has reached on their own a state of self love and self contempt that then they are able to really reach outside of themselves and give something meaningful to another. and this complete soul will also not be able to truly give in a meaningful and rewarding way to an incomplete soul. because that incomplete soul will just be a black hole. there will be no dialogue, there will be no exchange. there will be no giving back.

a complete soul is going to instinctively search for another complete soul because they will know what powerful connection can be formed there. when you come together with another soul that is just perfect in their existence, then maths starts to bend the rules. the connection that you get is more than 2 souls - you get 3, 4, 5 and then infinite souls. that's when you get to take a peak into what infinity really is.

this is where eternity, infinity, time and space are all mashed up, bent backwards and consciousness prevails.

and this is my own experience, my own interpretation. this is what our connection does to me - he peels layers off me that are baggage, unnecessary weight, conditioning, stereotypes and learning; fears and negative associations, sadness, nostalgia and monsters accumulated in a life time and expose me raw to myself and to himself.

this might sound like a terrifying experience to anyone who would be scared to exist in this raw state. but for me, this raw state is so immense in its empowerment, in its positivity and its strength to reveal my true self.

and when I stare into a mirror and see all of this beauty and all of this bliss that is starring back at me just because he has managed to wash me up with the most beautiful kisses, with the most beautiful hugs, with the power of a thousand wise words and his truest souls emotions.

and this is what my life is about. in search for a mirror devoid of anything else but my purest self. a glimpse into eternity and experiencing, not just rationally knowing the purpose of life.

what (not) love is

2016-07-12T15:45:00.001+01:00

background: after 1 year and half of being together with my boyfriend, he has never said I love you to me. In a quest not to hear the words, as I deem them unnecessary social conventions, but understand the lack of them, I pursued a discussion to get to know the man, to explore psychology and create connection for myself (as I would find this type of talk difficult for myself to bring up)

the love talk facts, as presented by D in our discussion:
- he has been in love before with other girls
- he has said to a couple of them that he loves them
- this has happened about roughly 6-12 months in the relationship.
- he doesn't want to say something just for the sake of saying it
- he just doesn't love me, with the fireworks feelings and all
- he is comfortable and happy being with me because "I am perfect on paper" so it makes no sense for him not to be with me
- I am perfect in every single way rationally speaking and we have so many things in common and just complement eachother really well
- the alternative would be for him not to be with anyone which is not as appealing
- he doesn't want to be going through a process of online dating or meeting new people in the hope that he will fall in love with one of them
- he doesn't see us being together for the long term but him finding love somewhere else just hasn't been a priority at the moment in his life
- when he was in love before he didn't see himself marrying those girls either but he assumed that they will be together indefinitely, whereas with me he is assuming a expiration date at some point in the future

Good times!

now, after saying those things, he said that he cannot understand why I am still with him. in my pursuit of that question, I wrote this:

my love,

your lack of awareness around your own self, your own feelings, reactions and your own happiness is astonishing and shocking. it's very painful also for me, because I can see so much more than you do.

you say you have no interest in talking about feelings, about people, anything that will get us closer to eachother or anything concerning human connection with anyone else. yet, the reality of your body and your reactions to our very few moments of real connection are so different to that very statement. your words come out of your mouth as your body and soul are contradicting you.

every time when you have talked to me about something meaningful you have become warmer, more relaxed and more attentive in your gestures and your way of interacting with me. every single time when you shared your feelings with me, your whole body and energy has changed and you are not even aware of it.

just a few examples include the times when you talk about your childhood, growing up, about your school stories when you told me about the troubles in your family, when you told me how you felt (or shall i say lack of) feelings for me, you have afterwards made love to me, you have touched and reached for me in a completely different, more open, more deep and more amazing way. you were open and reaching out after those talks like never before. the talking helped your soul get out a little bit from the enclosed environment you are permanently keeping it in.

and yet you are so unaware of any of this, it is crazy.

you say you don't love me, but the respect, the patience, the help, the tenderness and acceptance that you show me are more than being "in love" with someone else. it's all about being with is a person who shares your interests, your passions, that has to respect, admire and accept you for who you are. a person that you also respect and accept.

and that is exactly what i am doing and what you are doing. this is what we are and have had already in our relationship. you say you are not in love with me? you say you don't love me. yet, i can tell you that from being the receiver of your actions, you have never been more wrong. you, who is always right, being wrong about one of the most important things. you don't even know how much you love me.

you are so scared, that you are more willing to push me away, rather than give yourself fully to me. i understand that is scary and hard. nobody likes being hurt, everyone avoids pain. but i was never going to hurt you. i was always going to love you.

what we had was love. you are love. how willing you are to do so many amazing things for me, like celebrating valentines with an amazing gift for me, when you have never done that before; love is going to high skyscraper bars and dressing up when not feeling comfortable at all just because you know i like it. that is love. love is when you spend 30 minutes combing through my hair just so that you disentangle it rather me having to cut it off. these are small examples of things you do for me out of love. and you don't even know it. you have done hundreds of them over the past year and half.

taking me home to meet your family and seeing that when i get along with them so well, you become more loving towards me. you have no idea how much your attitude changed towards me after that. and how scared you became in the same time, which is the greatest signs of love. that's what you have been like. that is love. that's what your heart was doing and you are just not even aware.

you are comfortable and happy because things are just good? well, guess what, that is also love. but you just take it for granted, because it's easier to stay at a superficial level. because you cannot appreciate yourself in being deserving or able to be loved. you think you are not worthy of it. or you are so scared of opening yourself up to the possibility of being together and trusting me completely that it just freezes you.

maybe i am completely wrong and you are just that good at pretending. you are that good at being loving when you don't feel the love. i might not know a lot of things, but i know people. and i have come to know you better than you know yourself. what i cannot do is love you more than you love yourself. i have tried, but you are always going to feel not worthy of this much happiness, you are always going to stay closed and not trust me enough, no matter how much i love you. you have to fully love yourself first.

you wondered why i would want to be with you after you saying all of these horrible things to me. i do wonder myself sometimes, but i have never been with someone that completes me so well as you do, someone who makes being together so effortless and someone who relives all my stress rather than adding onto it. we have done so many amazing things together and we both love adventures so much, what's there not to love? you are so flexible and accommodating towards me, what's there to not to love? you are amazing in so many ways that I can see and yet you remain blind to them. you do not see yourself.

love is being content, love is reliable, love is patience, love is support, love is acceptance, love is respect and admiration, love is help. love is also growth, learning and becoming better. you and i were or had the potential to be all those things together in our relationship and much more, but you don't even know it. real love is starring you in the face, you are experiencing it and you don't even know it.

maybe one day you will be able to realise your self worth and realise just how many feelings you have inside of you, if you didn't block them out with your head. maybe one day you will realise that I was worthy of your trust and that being open to me would have all been worth it. but most importantly, being open to yourself and giving yourself a chance to be happy.

i would like to end this in a positive way. but there is no polarity to the truth. i can only hope for you the best levels of happiness that you are able to achieve and experience in this particular consciousness that you are in. there will be plenty of others and I believe that one day, in one form or another, all of this will make sense. funnily enough, i know that you are not even able to comprehend some of the things I am saying. but that doesn't mater, because luckily, happiness is an experience, not a rational process.

with immense love from a grateful soul,
A.

actions vs. words

2016-05-11T16:20:00.001+01:00

In a lot of relationships I found from either my own experience or from friends' experiences that a partner says things, promises things and then their actions do not follow through.

As this is a normal situation, nonetheless painful, it's at least something that I would know how to deal with.

But when, in fact, I am faced with the opposite, I am something find myself in some sort of confusion.

Words say one thing and the actions say another.

When speaking to D. about our relationship (very rarely that is) this creates a massive state of tension and upset between us. There hasn't been a single conversation that we have had that has ended well.

The fact is that I am trying to find out from these conversation if my interpretations of his actions are correct. But it seems that his words contradict his own actions so I always end up being more confused than before I even started.

Question: Is D. in a caring, committed relationship with me?
Verbal answers: No, he doesn't know if we are going to be together on the long term. He cares for me, but cannot say he loves me. He is ok to be together if things are good, but doesn't know how things will be when they are bad.

Actions:
Fact 1:
- he has never had a one night stand in his entire life. This means that before ending up drunk in my bed, he must have liked me, known who I was, assessed me from various sources of information, passed me through his (I have no doubt) very rigorous criteria and decided at the end of that process to have some sort of relationship with me.

Fact 2:
- within a couple of weeks of dating, he introduced me to all of his friends. Someone who has no long term view would have kept me private, as a temporary basis doesn't lend itself to meeting more people in each other's lives.

Fact 3:
- he took me home to Australia, on the other side of the world to meet his parents, all of his friends back home and all of his family. His best friend of 8 years has told me that as far as he can remember and knows of, D. has never taken a girl home before

Fact 4:
- he listens, understand and most importantly alters his behaviour based on my feedback on things that hurt me or things that I like. I have always had to mention something just once and he has always done something to improve his behaviour to make me feel better, to make me happy and to please me.

that on its own shows how much he cares about me, about our relationship and how (not in a bad way, where he actually changes himself) much he is willing to compromise in order for our relationship to work.

Fact 5:
I've just never been with a guy who is so caring, so loving, so kind and generous. His attention to detail is impeccable. He notices things before I do and does them for me. I feel am permanently taken care of and yet left alone when I need to.

Yet, when talking to him about how he feels about me, he is unable to show any of the actions in his words. Me pointing that out makes him feel disempowered and makes him feel that I am just pointing out his flaws. It makes him emotionally paralysed, scared and retreating in himself.

He becomes defensive and says the most hurtful things.

I am lost to say the least.

jealousy vs envy

2016-04-27T21:36:00.002+01:00

Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.

Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person

And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone).

My dear D,

You've met J. again tonight and I somehow feel pain every time you do that. It is of course my pain, my problem and my own issue to address and by no means I am accusing you of being responsible for my pain.

Thinking about why I feel pain... my first instinct is to blame this on being jealous. You are my boyfriend, you are meeting this girl, who is your best friend. For dinner, just the two of you. This is what it might look from a superficial, outside perspective.

Then, at a deeper scrutiny, I began to think why do I actually feel this pain. It is because you are opposite genders and I think that you might be doing something with her? No, I don't. I completely trust in you. Is it because I believe you are lying, hiding behind my back with her? No, I don't.

It's because I envy her. She is able to make you feel relaxed. You laugh, you talk, you are so much more yourself when you are around her. She makes you feel comfortable. She knows what you like better than I do. She knows you better than I do. She knows and understands your thoughts and your feelings better than I do.

The problem is that I am scared that will always be the case. That I will never know you as well she does. That you will never feel as comfortable with me as you do with her. That I'm never going to know what you like better than she does. And I know that will never be due to the lack of me trying. I fail miserably.

I know she is your friend. And I know that it's normal for her to know you. But I am your girlfriend. I don't feel that I know you. I don't feel that you feel comfortable enough with me to trust me. You have this massive wall against you and she's on the other side. I'm banging at all the doors and there is no answer. You remain closed.

This makes me feel like I am lacking something. Something that she has, something that I don't even know what it is. Something I cannot attain. It makes me feel like I am not good enough, not trustworthy enough, not reliable enough. Like I haven't proven myself enough for you to be with me like you are with her.

So, D. it turns out that I am not jealous. I am just envious. But somehow that doesn't help my pain. Because no matter how you call it, it still remains the cold, factual reality. And it's still hurtful.

keeping an open mind closed

2016-04-18T22:32:00.001+01:00

I seem to have, somehow, ended up with quite not an open minded boyfriend. which is particularly funny, since i am one of the most open minded girls you could be in a relationship with.

there are many things i have opinions about, stereotypes about and many things that I would react badly to just because society has taught me so for over 30 years. however, i am also inquisitive and my love for new experiences trumps all of my previously strongly held opinions.

there is nothing i wouldn't give a try at least once in order to have an informed opinion about no matter how bad i think it might make me feel. i have pleasantly discovered through this method that most things are definitely worth the experience.

so i don't hold any strong views on marriage, children, roles of men and women. relationships are the hardest, but even there, i can say i have often questioned the actual existence and meaning of monogamy and all things that are consensual between 2 grown adults.

i try not to pass judgement and when i do, i analyse it and try to get rid of it as much as i can.

well.... that is not the case for some people. and it seems weird that i would ever choose to be in a relationship with a man who is so obtusely obtuse that he doesn't even have the curiosity to ask details or clarifications about my desires and interests before dismissing them.

pure dismissal and when presented with the perspective of at least experiencing something in order to get an opinion about it, the dismissal comes straight away in the strict form of not needing to experience it to know that something is not for you.

which might be the case if you had a transgender operation done. i would highly recommend not doing that for the sake of the experience trying to find it if it's for you.

but if your girlfriend tell you she's interested in BDSM - as in, she wants to tie you up to the bed and do "things" to you.... and you don't even care to find out what those things are... then.... where can she really go from there?

limits, fear, boundaries and sticking to the well known. familiar and safe. that's his world. how do i fit my break everything you can, know or think you believe in mentality into those boundaries?

Intimacy - emotional, psychological intimacy.

2016-04-11T16:51:00.002+01:00

It's something very hard to quite describe to its full potential. And when you don't have and miss it, it is even harder to try to create it.

In my experience, this is the stuff that you create between you and your partner when you lie in bed on a Sunday, you talk about yourself, you laugh, you're half naked and open. You're vulnerable and unravelling yourself to this other person. You're full of love and hope and openness because you trust this person next to you and you want to get to know them and you want them to get to know you.

D. is completely unaware of this world of emotional and psychological connections between people. On so many levels from the situation that I've just described, he has never put himself in this situation.

He doesn't like lie ins. He is always busy doing something, reading about something, looking for something else to do. He is always alert. He is always on.

He is the most scared person I've ever met of connection and emotional intimacy. He gives nothing of his internal world away. Not a single feeling, not a single thought.

He doesn't feel comfortable being naked. He doesn't feel comfortable with how he looks, so he feels that he has to cover himself.

So him lying naked, on a lazy sunday morning, talking to me about his internal hopes, fears and whatever else, plus being able to have a laugh about it seems simple Sci-fi at the moment.

The things you take for granted! All of my previous partners were able to easily do that. It was just natural and it was just happening. I never even gave it a thought. I never even thought there are people who don't live their lives at this wonderfully open and connected level.

And here I am, finding myself with the complete opposite person. I am lost and confused. I am switching between thoughts of giving up and incompatibility to thoughts of love, kindness and acceptance. Thought that shout: "do not be the one who gives up and just moves on, fight for this and make it work, this is a challenge as much it is an opportunity for you to break your boundaries, stretch your emotions and try out your limits".

I love this man so much. I have loved many times before. I know I am capable of so much caring and loving. But there is always the doubt that I am directing this towards the wrong person. And that, if the person was right, I would be getting so much more out of it. But then, isn't that hat it's all about? To do all this not expecting to get something in return? To stay loving despite of what the other person is like? To learn to accept them as they are and not restrict love to something that fit in certain criteria?

It's a constant struggle and a constant state of doubt. When I look at him, my doubts melt away. My heart fills with love and I believe I can do anything and stretch all of my limits. But then, when he does something unloving, says something that hurts me, that's when I pull away and ask myself if it is all worth it.

this weekend - for D.

2016-02-29T21:01:00.000+00:00

i had such a lovely weekend. thank you so much for all the wonderful and random stories about your woodwork and lack of history teaching, talks about nuclear weapons and EU membership. i loved running on the freezing beach and watching a glorious, unplanned sunset together, even freezing my hands in the water just to win a dare.

thank you for making me scared at your jumps on the transparent glass, ordering the same food as eachother ... all the time, joining me for bucketfulls of champagne and talking to me about important, meaningful things that concern our relationship, trying to put a condom on ...3 times and not giving up :)

thank you for all the hugs, touches and moments of intimacy that made me feel closer to you and made me feel that you want to be with me.

thank you for warming up the bathroom for me with the heater and stroking my forehead this morning. thank you also for taking me to the station and holding my hand to keep it warm on the way there. thank you for always offering to help with my luggage and always helping me, with everything.

all of these things and many, many others that you do are wonderful and make me feel loved and cared for. you are an amazing man and I am happy to be in your life.

champagne, sex talk and the spinnaker

2016-02-29T20:59:00.001+00:00

a weekend away is that kind of cliche solution to a couple's problems.

maybe it's a cliche for a reason. i couldn't tell you exactly, but it definitely worked for us.

after a rough week of self doubt, endless thoughts, fears, questions about me wanting to be in a relationship with a man able to leave me from a misunderstanding to just wanting to fuck it all and start having at least one affair with at least one more than willing man.

went through moments of despair and feeling hopeless, like there is no point in continuing because once trust is gone, there is nothing else left there.

but there is always something left. self love, acceptance, kindness and light are always there. when you think there's nothing left, remembering that you're just a temporary darkness might not be as easy, but it surely is right.

i did't know what to expect from the weekend and there were many times in the week in which in thought the weekend would end up breaking up apart completely. in one way, it will make or brake things and you want to know either way. in other ways, because i was so drained from last weekend, i just couldn't face the truth - if the truth was going to break us.

instead, we had probably one of the best weekends i can remember in our relationship. not because we travelled to exotic places, nor did amazing things. in fact, the best part of it was us doing normal things: like talking about science, general cultural topics that engage both of our brains and that we both enjoy doing that, having a laugh and most importantly, talking about deeper, more meaningful things that affect our relationship.

for the first time, D expressed his feelings, fears and worries about our (lack of) contraception and how that affects his sexual experiences, as well as his anticipation and desire for intimacy. i always thought that he just doesn't really want me that much and hearing his perspective was an eye opening revelation for me that I hadn't considered before.

we talked about the previous weekend, he explained his behaviour and words, his thoughts and feelings. i opened up about how much last weekend affected me, how it changed my perception about our relationship and how much more insecure it has made me feel. just expressing these feelings, sharing them with eachother and gaining a much deeper understanding of eachother was amazing.

communication about these things does not come easy to either of us. both of us are very closed off and very scared to open up. i also told him how suitable he is for me, as i couldn't be with someone who is completely open and readily available for taking. i need a bit of mystery and a bit of working for it. he is, of course, a lot more hard work than i could have ever dreamt, wished for or needed.

but equally, he makes me feel more supported, protected, cared for and simply in the most capable hands in the universe. the safety, from every single point of view, that i feel when i am with him is simply unmatched by any other guy i have ever been with.

there is something that he has - his intelligence, his quiet but permanent handle and control of situations, his constant support in all of my actions and endeavours. i cannot pin point it. but all of these things make me trust and respect him in a way that i always searched for, in my entire life to find. and i always found weakness and cracks in guys that the more i knew them, the more i my respect for them died away.

and he is not perfect. it's not him being perfect that the trust and respect is connected to. i love his moments of imperfection because those make me feel human, and in those moments i can help him and those moments enable our connection to grow. it is because he is imperfect that we can be together. yet, he is strong and reliable in so many aspects. and it is the sum of those aspects that make him perfect for me.

we were on a see through glass floor, up a viewing platform in the Spinnaker (Portsmouth). he jumped on the glass, knowing that will make me so scared because i was struggling being there in the first place due to my fear of heights, much less have him jump on the glass.

i love his playful nature, his serious nature. i love how continuously, since we've met, he has pushed me beyond my limits and made me grow in aspects that i really wanted to grow, aspects that i didn't know i had limits in, aspects that i was not willing to address and grow in at all.

and after such an away weekend, i do feel closer to him. i do feel that our relationship could have broken completely but because it hasn't, it's stronger now than it was before.

48h of zen or less zen

2016-02-22T21:55:00.001+00:00

from being dumped by the man whom you've spent the last year with, sharing some amazing experiences, including meeting his family and thinking that he guy is totally in love with you, to the guy coming back to you, wanting you back in his life and saying he takes back what he said.

i have never been left by another man before. i am deeply grateful that i got to experience that because it is such a different perspective from the one side that I have had all my life. i found it far easier than being the one breaking the relationship.

but hearing something so painful, catching me so off guard was shocking, hurtful and immensely heartbreaking. i haven't experienced anything like it before. i guess because i didn't see it coming at all. because i thought that his actions speak for themselves and that he does in fact love me, but just isn't that good at communicating it. which might still be the case.

it was an an amazing opportunity to see how i would react in this new situation. i could go angry, scream, cry, get upset. instead, i had a brave, sad and kept loving and forgiving as an attitude. i gave him a big hug leaving him and didn't make any scenes. although i could think of several other ways things could have gone.

my reaction to the break up was a bit predictable and i really played up to the expectations and a bit more. but it was fun, eye opening and amazing, no regrets.

i was able to be present, to be mindful. to be thankful for the friends around me, being totally oblivious of the fact that I was crying inside. but i put a brave face on and i kept coming back to the present moment, to the music, to the conversations and to the people. kept coming back to smiling and through smiling, i hoped that my heart would heal and would not cry anymore.

i thought i would burst into tears but i managed to remain happy and smiling, interacting with my beautiful and wonderful friends. i found acceptance and joy in my heart despite the most terrible pain. it was a very cathartic experience.

i feel a better person and a better human being for going through it all that way i did.

him coming back to me and wanting to get back together in such a short amount of time, changing his mind was a bit more difficult. i am still battling with that. from so many perspectives. but though all of the struggles, I can still feel that I am breaking and stretching my emotional muscles. I am growing in immense ways.

i was kind, understanding and forgiving. i was loving and stayed as open as I could. i didn't want to hurt him back. i didn't go into self deprecating more. i din't seek vengeance. i didn't seek reasons to hate myself.

i have changed so much. i am far kinder, more understanding and more loving to myself. I accept myself and am able to give so much more acceptance. it's amazing how so few hours can be so painful yet so rich in personal growth.

and not the least, this also gave my friends a chance to shine and show greater aspects of themselves. they helped me, supported me. held my hand while i was crying. told me jokes while i couldn't speak on the phone because it was all to much. it has been a great opportunity for them to be a grander version of themselves. it allowed them to shine. to be loving and to be caring.

where do we go from here?

2016-02-22T21:33:00.000+00:00

"Are you as miserable as I am?"
"Yes :(
I feel like an idiot. And feel horrible for hurting you."

D. came over on Sunday at 7pm. He said he was sorry. That he takes it all back. That he wants to be with me. That he didn't think through the things he said. That none of it even makes sense. That I make him happy and that me being next to him makes things more fun. So of course he would want to be with me. That he cares about me a lot and that he has been doing all of these nice things for me because he likes to make me happy. he told me that he wants me to be in his life for the foreseeable future.

most of all, he made me feel sane again. i didn't imagine it all. he did do all of the nice things for me. he is a kind, generous loving man with his actions.

be he cannot communicate his feelings. he is actually so closed off that he cannot even be aware of his own feelings. so communicating something that you're not aware of is hard indeed. he is just extremely emotionally immature. he has done things for me that he hasn't done for anyone else.

and he spent yesterday thinking about what he said the previous day made no sense.

the emotional rollercoaster of being left by someone you love and then having to take them back was too much even for me. i am numb. from the pain, from the suffering.

going back to his, everything reminded me in how much pain I was the day before. the hallway, the sofa. the place i picked up my shoes from. everything seems changed.

i have no confidence that if he didn't think through what he said and the consequences of his actions on Saturday, that he thought through Sunday. I have no confidence that this won't repeat again.

the trust is a hard thing to repair. it took 30 min to destroy.

if before, because he is so cold with me, i was ok and getting used to it.., in 95% of the time I was confident and self assured that he likes me and wants to be with me. In the exceptional 5%, I was PMSing and feeling that I need a bit more re-assurance. That has now almost reversed. I feel very insecure and very unstable. That I need huge amounts of re-assurance. If he wasn't coping very well at my 5%, no idea how we are going to deal with the 95% now.

i told him that i love him. he didn't say it back. he said that he feels bad for not saying it back. he said that he cares for me a lot and how happy i make him. at that point, i was so low that even those words sound good. but now, i'm not sure. because i felt that his actions were speaking for themselves. that his actions are loving and that i don't need to hear some words that he cannot say because he is emotionally and communicationally challenged. but because of the blow on Saturday, I am now doubting my own perception of his actions and in lack of that and his words, what is there left?

then there is the aspect of the attitude: i try to work on the issues that arise in the relationship. but my underlying assumption is trying to work on something because i want to be with him and not bail out. he said that he find it difficult and cannot put the effort into trying. not sure how much this changed on sunday, but ultimately, if he is working under the assumption that if things get too tough, we can always break up, rather than working on things, then fundamentally we are going into 2 separate directions.

also, rationally, i know that being with someone like him is well suited for me. but it felt amazing to be surrounded by normal people. people who are intimate and affectionate and think that i'm amazing and tell me that I am amazing. these people make me feel like I am amazing. but he makes me feel insecure. and this is kinda ok, because people who make me feel amazing then suffocate me, then I get bored of them. but with him, well, i obviously don't get bored, but continuously feeling insecure is not fun either. i don't know when, but this may also become boring. there is a threshold of minimum attention and affection to be offered in order for me not to feel insecure and I am not at least worried that D is even capable of suffocating me.