Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Jeff Mcintyre.

Learning basic cooking skills was not a priority for me while growing up. The transition from a fully fed teenager to a totally independent and clueless in the kitchen college freshman was painful. I quickly lost my appetite for fast food and frozen dinners. Luckily, something about outdoor cooking had always intrigued me. I began reading about grilling techniques and quickly got hooked. Grilling introduced me to the art of preparing great meals. Today I consider cooking one of my greatest passions.

There is good reason why pork ribs are such a dominant fixture on the competition grilling circuit. Cooking delicious ribs shows a great command of the barbecuing process. This may sound intimidating, but the best thing about cooking ribs is that it comprises a series of simple steps you can master and reap the delicious benefits.

How to Purchase Pork Ribs

Pork Ribs are widely available at your local supermarket, meat market, or wholesale grocer like Costco. If you are a Costco member, I highly recommend purchasing ribs there. They offer high-quality meats at an affordable price.

Although there are seemingly endless types of pork ribs with a variety of labels, in reality there are only three types to consider.

Baby Back Ribs

These ribs are commonly referred to as loin ribs, back ribs, or Canadian back ribs. Taken from the top of the rib cage between the spine and the spareribs, baby back ribs are shorter and meatier than spareribs and take less time to cook.

Spareribs

Referred to as spareribs or side ribs, these ribs are taken from the belly side of the rib cage, below the baby back ribs area and above the sternum. Spareribs yield less meat than baby back ribs and contain more fat.

St. Louis Style Ribs

These are spareribs with the sternum bone, cartilage, and rib tips removed. After being cut, St. Louis style ribs have a rectangular shape.

How to Prepare the Ribs

Rinse and Cut

It may seem obvious, but this needs to be pointed out. The first step is to rinse the ribs under running cold water; making sure to get rid of any loose meat, fat, or bone particles. After rinsing, blot the slab dry with paper towels.

Cut off any dangling pieces of meat or fat. If these pieces are kept on the slab, they will burn and leave burn marks on your ribs.

On the bone side of the slab, you will notice a tough membrane covering the bones. Remove this membrane by getting between it and the meat at the wider end of the slab and ripping it off all the way to the narrow end.

Marinate

Although the effectiveness of marinating pork ribs is debatable, I like to marinate them for a few hours before cooking as follows:

• Place the ribs in a large, non-reactive roasting pan or a large bowl
• Pour 3 to 4 cups of apple cider vinegar over them; enough to cover the ribs completely
• Cut and squeeze the juice of 1 lemon directly into the bowl
• Cover bowl with plastic wrap and place it in the refrigerator for 1 to 2 hours

Apply a Dry Rub

Applying a dry rub to your ribs is essential. The combination of salt, sugar, herbs, and spices will enhance the meat’s flavor, add some heat, and help promote a tasty surface crust. Use the following rub, make your own, or go with your favorite store-bought variation.

This recipe makes about 1 cup. Combine all of the ingredients in a bowl and mix with your hands. Store the remaining rub in an airtight jar away from heat or light; it will keep for at least 6 months.

Ingredients

• 1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup paprika (hot paprika for an extra kick)
• 3 tablespoons black pepper
• 4 tablespoons salt (preferably coarse salt)
• 2 teaspoons garlic powder
• 2 teaspoons celery seeds (optional)
• 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper

Remove marinated ribs from the fridge and blot dry with paper towels. Apply a thin layer of vegetable oil to the ribs. The flavors in most dry rubs are oil soluble so this step will help the rub penetrate the surface of the meat. Apply a generous amount of the rub to both sides. Finally, wrap the ribs in foil or plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 1 hour.

Let’s Grill!

In this article, I describe the process of grilling spareribs with smoke on a gas grill. The meaningful differences when using a charcoal grill are in the way you set up your grill and how you apply the woodchips for the smoking process.

The only difference when grilling the different kinds of ribs is the cooking time; baby back ribs tend to cook a bit quicker due to their lesser fat content.

Grilling on indirect heat.

Ribs grill best with wood smoke and by cooking them slowly at low heat. We achieve this consistent low heat by grilling our meat indirectly. This simply means we turn up the heat on one side of the grill and we lay our meat down on the opposite side.

Indirect grilling on a gas grill.

Setting up your gas grill is pretty simple. If you have two burners, turn one of them on and leave the other one off. If you have three burners, turn off the two burners on the edges, or if you are having issues maintaining your goal temperature of 225 degrees, turn one of the edge burners on and leave the other two off.

Smoking with woodchips on a gas grill.

Smoke flavor makes your ribs even tastier! Simply follow the steps below and you will marvel at how rewarding it is to grill with smoke.

Purchase woodchips at home improvement stores or where you can buy a grill. My preferred woods to smoke with are hickory and mesquite. Both woods yield strong flavors quickly. Placing wood chips directly on the flame will cause them to catch fire and burn out quickly; producing a messy pile of ashes and very little smoke. House the woodchips in something that won’t burn; and will not produce toxic chemicals when under high heat. You have two options:

1. Purchase a woodchip smoker box — a onetime purchase that will set you back less than $20. These boxes are sturdy, durable, and work very well.
2. Use foil. Use the simple technique shown in this video to house your woodchips.    

I have used both methods and find making your own “smoking pouch” with foil works just fine. I suggest starting with making your own smoker pouches and stick with this method if it suits your needs.

Most grilling experts recommend soaking woodchips (typically in water, but you can also use wine, beer, whiskey, and even fruit juice) for at least an hour prior to usage. Then drain and place them in your smoking pouch or smoker box.

Time to Turn Up the Heat!

Now that everything is ready, it is time to turn the burners on and play with fire! Place your smoker box or foil smoking pouch directly on top of one of the burners you will be using (refer to the indirect grilling instructions above). Turn the burner you placed your smoke box or smoking pouch on to maximum heat. Wait until you see some smoke coming out of the grill (waiting is key as opening the lid to check will only delay the process by letting the heat escape). Once you see smoke emitting from the grill, turn the burner to medium-low and place the slab of ribs on the grate over the burner not in use. Remember we are cooking slowly on indirect heat. Maintain a temperature of 225 to 235 degrees throughout the cooking duration. Eventually the woodchips will burn out; however, continue cooking the ribs without smoke until they are done. Your ribs will have picked up lots of flavor from the 45 minutes or so of smoke.

You will need a spray bottle. Spray bottles are available for purchase in the gardening section of most grocery stores. Fill the spray bottle with a small amount of apple cider vinegar. Every 30 minutes or so, lift the lid of the grill and spray a bit of the apple cider vinegar directly on the ribs to coat them and prevent them from drying out. The ribs should be fully cooked within 4 to 5 hours. About 20 minutes before the ribs are done, spread a coat of your homemade or favorite store-bought BBQ sauce onto the ribs. Even better, try my favorite homemade BBQ sauce recipe:

Ingredients

• 2 cups of ketchup
• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup of Worcestershire sauce
• 1/4 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 2 tablespoons molasses
• 2 tablespoons mustard
• 1 tablespoon Tabasco sauce (or your favorite hot sauce)
• 1 tablespoon of your favorite barbecue rub (optional)
• 2 teaspoons liquid smoke (optional)
• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper
• 3 cloves fresh garlic, peeled
• 2 chopped chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (optional)

Combine all ingredients (except the garlic cloves) in a nonreactive saucepan and slowly bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low/medium and add the garlic cloves. Let sauce simmer at least 15 minutes then remove the garlic cloves. Transfer the sauce to clean jars and store in the refrigerator. The sauce will keep for a couple of months.

Check for Doneness

The biggest obstacle with checking ribs for doneness is that you cannot use a meat thermometer. The thermometer will not read accurately because you cannot probe the meat deep enough without hitting the bone. Bones emit heat and will give an inaccurate reading. Despite this limitation, there are a number of ways to check your ribs for doneness:

• Stick a toothpick between two bones. If it goes in and out of the meat without resistance, they are done.
• Cut the bone on the end off and taste it for doneness.
• Cut into the meat with a knife and check to make sure there is no pink juice near the middle of the meat.

Try these ribs and tell me how good they are! Once you have given these ribs a try, I would love to hear how delicious they turned out. Better yet, send me a shout and I can attend! I will bring the cold beverages!

What are your secrets and tips for making awesome ribs? Share with us in the comments!

________________

Jeff Mcintyre is a freelance writer that writes about his adventures as a writer, book lover, poker player, sports fan, prop bet addict, techie and food lover.  You can read more about his thoughts about these topics at  www.sjmcintyre.com and www.pokerforvalue.com.

Related posts:

1. The Art of Summer Grilling
2. Tru-isms from Dad: The Char-Broil Quantum Infrared Grill Giveaway
3. The Art of Manliness Group Writing Project: The Man Cookbook
4. The Other Side of Grilling
5. Fire Up the Grill: 5 Mouthwatering Recipes for Your Memorial Day Weekend

Did you know that our two books, The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man and Manvotionals: Timeless Wisdom and Advice on Living the 7 Manly Virtues  are available in a handsome-looking cigar box along with some coasters bearing manly iconography and quotes? It’s a virile boxed book collection for the ages.

The Art of Manliness Collection Boxed Set makes the perfect gift for graduation or Father’s Day. One book covers the practical skill-sets of manliness, from how to break down a door and start a fire to gentlemanly etiquette. The other book covers the mind-set of manliness — the virtues of true manly character. Together, the books can help a young man who’s heading into the world reach his full potential. And even if your Pops is an old veteran of manliness, he’ll still enjoy sitting in his man-chair and flipping though these books as he sets his tumbler down on one of the included coasters.

Check out the unboxing of The Art of Manliness Collection Boxed Set below:

The Art of Manliness Collection Boxed Set is available on Amazon for $20.24 right now. Amazingly, it’s actually more expensive to buy both books separately. Plus, you’re getting the box and some awesome coasters, too!

So go on, give the Art of Manliness Collection Boxed Set for graduation or Father’s Day. Your son, husband, boyfriend, or dad will thank you, and soon be showing off all the extra hair they’ll be sprouting on their chests.

Related posts:

1. The Art of Manliness Collection Boxed Set [Giveaway]
2. Winner of the AoM Collection Boxed Set & An Update on Your Amazon Order
3. Give the Art of Manliness for the Holidays
4. A Manvotional Book: Would You Be Interested?
5. Give The Art of Manliness Book for Graduation

Editor’s Note: This is an excerpt from Robert Greene’s book Mastery. Last time he talked about the importance of the Apprenticeship Phase in gaining mastery over a skill or knowledge domain. Equally important is the need for an unbridled passion that will fuel you through the drudgery of your Apprenticeship. To gain that passion, the skill you seek to master must be part of what Greene calls your “Life’s Task.” In the excerpt below, Mr. Greene shares how you can discover yours.

Among his various possible beings each man always finds one which is his genuine and authentic being. The voice which calls him to that authentic being is what we call “vocation.” But the majority of men devote themselves to silencing that voice of the vocation and refusing to hear it. They manage to make a noise within themselves . . . to distract their own attention in order not to hear it; and they defraud themselves by substituting for their genuine selves a false course of life.

—José Ortega y Gasset

Many of the greatest Masters in history have confessed to experiencing some kind of force or voice or sense of destiny that has guided them forward. For Napoleon Bonaparte it was his “star” that he always felt in ascendance when he made the right move. For Socrates, it was his daemon, a voice that he heard, perhaps from the gods, which inevitably spoke to him in the negative—telling him what to avoid. For Goethe, he also called it a daemon—a kind of spirit that dwelled within him and compelled him to fulfill his destiny. In more modern times, Albert Einstein talked of a kind of inner voice that shaped the direction of his speculations. All of these are variations on what Leonardo da Vinci experienced with his own sense of fate.

Such feelings can be seen as purely mystical, beyond explanation, or as hallucinations and delusions. But there is another way to see them—as eminently real, practical, and explicable.

It can be explained in the following way: All of us are born unique. This uniqueness is marked genetically in our DNA. We are a one-time phenomenon in the universe—our exact genetic makeup has never occurred before nor will it ever be repeated. For all of us, this uniqueness first expresses itself in childhood through certain primal inclinations. For Leonardo it was exploring the natural world around his village and bringing it to life on paper in his own way. For others, it can be an early attraction to visual patterns—often an indication of a future interest in mathematics. Or it can be an attraction to particular physical movements or spatial arrangements. How can we explain such inclinations? They are forces within us that come from a deeper place than conscious words can express. They draw us to certain experiences and away from others. As these forces move us here or there, they influence the development of our minds in very particular ways.

This primal uniqueness naturally wants to assert and express itself, but some experience it more strongly than others. With Masters it is so strong that it feels like something that has its own external reality—a force, a voice, destiny. In moments when we engage in an activity that corresponds to our deepest inclinations, we might experience a touch of this: We feel as if the words we write or the physical movements we perform come so quickly and easily that they are coming from outside us. We are literally “inspired,” the Latin word meaning something from the outside breathing within us. Let us state it in the following way: At your birth a seed is planted. That seed is your uniqueness. It wants to grow, transform itself, and flower to its full potential. It has a natural, assertive energy to it. Your Life’s Task is to bring that seed to flower, to express your uniqueness through your work. You have a destiny to fulfill. The stronger you feel and maintain it—as a force, a voice, or in whatever form—the greater your chance for fulfilling his Life’s Task and achieving mastery.

What weakens this force, what makes you not feel it or even doubt its existence, is the degree to which you have succumbed to another force in life—social pressures to conform. This counterforce can be very powerful. You want to fit into a group. Unconsciously, you might feel that what makes you different is embarrassing or painful. Your parents often act as a counterforce as well. They may seek to direct you to a career path that is lucrative and comfortable. If these counterforces become strong enough, you can lose complete contact with your uniqueness, with who you really are. Your inclinations and desires become modeled on those of others.

This can set you off on a very dangerous path. You end up choosing a career that does not really suit you. Your desire and interest slowly wane and your work suffers for it. You come to see pleasure and fulfillment as something that comes from outside your work. Because you are increasingly less engaged in your career, you fail to pay attention to changes going on in the field—you fall behind the times and pay a price for this. At moments when you must make important decisions, you flounder or follow what others are doing because you have no sense of inner direction or radar to guide you. You have broken contact with your destiny as formed at birth.

At all cost you must avoid such a fate. The process of following your Life’s Task all the way to mastery can essentially begin at any point in life. The hidden force within you is always there and ready to be engaged. The process of realizing your Life’s Task comes in three stages:

First, you must connect or reconnect with your inclinations, that sense of uniqueness.

The first step then is always inward. You search the past for signs of that inner voice or force. You clear away the other voices that might confuse you—parents and peers. You look for an underlying pattern, a core to your character that you must understand as deeply as possible.

Second, with this connection established, you must look at the career path you are already on or are about to begin. The choice of this path—or redirection of it—is critical. To help in this stage you will need to enlarge your concept of work itself. Too often we make a separation in our lives—there is work and there is life outside work, where we find real pleasure and fulfillment. Work is often seen as a means for making money so we can enjoy that second life that we lead. Even if we derive some satisfaction from our careers we still tend to compartmentalize our lives in this way. This is a depressing attitude, because in the end we spend a substantial part of our waking life at work. If we experience this time as something to get through on the way to real pleasure, then our hours at work represent a tragic waste of the short time we have to live. Instead you want to see your work as something more inspiring, as part of your vocation. The word “vocation” comes from the Latin meaning to call or to be called. Its use in relation to work began in early Christianity—certain people were called to a life in the church; that was their vocation. They could recognize this literally by hearing a voice from God, who had chosen them for this profession. Over time, the word became secularized, referring to any work or study that a person felt was suited to his or her interests, particularly a manual craft. It is time, however, that we return to the original meaning of the word, for it comes much closer to the idea of a Life’s Task and mastery.

The voice in this case that is calling you is not necessarily coming from God, but from deep within. It emanates from your individuality. It tells you which activities suit your character. And at a certain point, it calls you to a particular form of work or career. Your work then is something connected deeply to who you are, not a separate compartment in your life. You develop then a sense of your vocation.

Finally, you must see your career or vocational path more as a journey with twists and turns rather than a straight line. You begin by choosing a field or position that roughly corresponds to your inclinations. This initial position offers you room to maneuver and important skills to learn. You don’t want to start with something too lofty, too ambitious—you need to make a living and establish some confidence. Once on this path you discover certain side routes that attract you, while other aspects of this field leave you cold. You adjust and perhaps move to a related field, continuing to learn more about yourself, but always expanding off your skill base. Like Leonardo da Vinci, you take what you do for others and make it your own.

Eventually, you will hit upon a particular field, niche, or opportunity that suits you perfectly. You will recognize it when you find it because it will spark that childlike sense of wonder and excitement; it will feel right. Once found, everything will fall into place. You will learn more quickly and more deeply. Your skill level will reach a point where you will be able to claim your independence from within the group you work for and move out on your own. In a world in which there is so much we cannot control, this will bring you the ultimate form of power. You will determine your circumstances. As your own Master, you will no longer be subject to the whims of tyrannical bosses or scheming peers.

This emphasis on your uniqueness and a Life’s Task might seem a poetic conceit without any bearing on practical realities, but in fact it is extremely relevant to the times that we live in. We are entering a world in which we can rely less and less upon the state, the corporation, or family or friends to help and protect us. It is a globalized, harshly competitive environment. We must learn to develop ourselves. At the same time, it is a world teeming with critical problems and opportunities, best solved and seized by entrepreneurs—individuals or small groups who think independently, adapt quickly, and possess unique perspectives. Your individualized, creative skills will be at a premium.

Think of it this way: What we lack most in the modern world is a sense of a larger purpose to our lives. In the past, it was organized religion that often supplied this. But most of us now live in a secularized world. We human animals are unique—we must build our own world. We do not simply react to events out of biological scripting. But without a sense of direction provided to us, we tend to flounder. We don’t how to fill up and structure our time. There seems to be no defining purpose to our lives. We are perhaps not conscious of this emptiness, but it infects us in all kinds of ways.

Feeling that we are called to accomplish something is the most positive way for us to supply this sense of purpose and direction. It is a religious-like quest for each of us. This quest should not be seen as selfish or antisocial. It is in fact connected to something much larger than our individual lives. Our evolution as a species has depended on the creation of a tremendous diversity of skills and ways of thinking. We thrive by the collective activity of people supplying their individual talents. Without such diversity, a culture dies.

Your uniqueness at birth is a marker of this necessary diversity. To the degree you cultivate and express it you are fulfilling a vital role. Our times might emphasize equality, which we then mistake for the need for everyone to be the same, but what we really mean by this is the equal chance for people to express their differences, to let a thousand flowers bloom. Your vocation is more than the work that you do. It is intimately connected to the deepest part of your being and is a manifestation of the intense diversity in nature and within human culture. In this sense, you must see your vocation as eminently poetic and inspiring.

Some 2,600 years ago the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote, “Become who you are by learning who you are.” What he meant is the following: You are born with a particular makeup and tendencies that mark you as a piece of fate. It is who you are to the core. Some people never become who they are; they stop trusting in themselves; they conform to the tastes of others, and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. If you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become—an individual, a Master.

__________________

To read more, check out Mastery by Robert Greene. And be sure to tune into Saturday’s podcast interview with Mr. Greene.

Related posts:

1. Finding Your Calling Part I: What Is a Vocation?
2. Gaining Mastery: The Three Vital Steps of the Apprenticeship Phase
3. Finding Your Calling Part III: Why Pursue a Vocation?
4. Finding Your Calling Part II: The Myths and Realities of Vocation
5. Finding Your Calling Part V: Obstacles to Embracing Your Vocation

Once again we return to our So You Want My Job series, in which we interview men who are employed in desirable jobs and ask them about the reality of their work and for advice on how men can live their dream.

A lot of men dream of being a writer. Many have even written up a manuscript, and truly believe they’ve crafted a great novel. But then what? How do you go from typing away in a room somewhere and eagerly clutching a finished manuscript in your hands, to actually getting it published? And even if it does get published, how do you get actual people to read it? Today novelist Dennis Mahoney offers his advice on making this much desired leap. Fresh from the process, Mahoney’s first published novel, Fellow Mortals was released this year by Farrar, Strauss & Giroux and garnered a New York Times book review. This is a thoroughly interesting and enjoyable interview, even if you don’t ever aim to write the Great American novel.

1. Tell us a little about yourself (Where are you from? How old are you? Describe your job and how long you’ve been at it, etc.).

I was born in Troy, NY and stayed in the area through college. My wife and I moved around the East Coast after graduation, chasing jobs we never really liked, until we bought a house back in Troy after our son was born. I’m thirty-eight now and have been writing for two decades. My creative inclinations were strong early on, but they initially emerged through drawing and imaginative play. The Empire Strikes Back came out when I was six and changed my life. I remember wanting to be George Lucas and make something that amazing. I’d make “movies” by taking sequential photos of my action figures, or by drawing a cartoon, slideshow-style, on a big roll of paper I could pull through a fake TV made of a box with two slits cut in the side. So the storytelling impulse was there, even if I wasn’t yet writing. Books weren’t a major part of my life until my teens.

2. Why did you want to become a novelist? When did you know it was what you wanted to do?

I was on a self-improvement kick in junior year of high school—trying to find direction, hoping for a girlfriend—and since I wasn’t naturally athletic, reading and writing felt cool and almost countercultural. I’d been lazy, “not fulfilling my potential,” and had been demoted to a lower-level English class. Since I’d already read a lot of the material in the advanced class the previous year, I started reading other books instead. Getting through Stephen King’s The Stand felt like a real accomplishment. Reading Hemingway and Shakespeare by choice, and finding similarly bookish friends, gave me a huge boost of confidence. I felt I had cred staying up all night to finish a book. A lot of that was pretense, but the books themselves began to change my outlook, as books often do, and soon I was writing poetry and convincing myself it was marvelous stuff. I began to build my identity around being a writer.

3. Do you think writing is something that should come naturally through self-education and practice, or that it’s worthwhile to major in something writing-related in college and/or graduate school?

Self-education and practice are essential. A major can help but isn’t as necessary. I’m not putting down writing programs; I’m saying no writing program will help if most of your effort isn’t self-generated in the first place. I learned the most from books I wanted to read, rather than books that were assigned to me in class, but being an English major exposed me to works I wouldn’t have looked for, like-minded students, and wonderful professors. It was a lifestyle. I was a proud book nerd. And any successful career has to be a lifestyle, doesn’t it? A Major League baseball player thinks like a player off the field, staying focused, eating well. The game’s his life. I don’t consciously walk around thinking about writing all day, but it’s always with me. There have been times I’ve gone to the gym because getting in shape gives me energy, and I want more energy to write. So crazy as that sounds, I work out to be a better writer. I read to be a better writer. But getting back to writing programs: writing can be taught like any craft, but you need the natural inclination. If you’re faking the desire because you think being a novelist would be interesting, you’ll never truly care enough to be one. What began as pretense in my own life became real as I felt in love with writing.

4. So a man’s written a novel. Now what? How do you go about finding somebody to publish it? Do you send out the manuscript yourself, and where do you send it? Do you need to get an agent to shop it around? Basically, how does the process of getting a book deal work?

The traditional way to get a book deal is well-established and generally nightmarish. I went through the entire process with two previous novels before my third, Fellow Mortals, found a home. (Note: In retrospect, I can see why those first two novels were repeatedly rejected, and I’m glad there were agents who didn’t let me put them into the world. Gatekeepers are often a good thing.) Here goes: With non-fiction, you pitch an idea with a sample chapter and a detailed outline. With fiction, you need the finished book. So let’s say you’ve completed a novel, revised it repeatedly, shown it to honest readers and gotten feedback, revised again, and made it as perfect as you can. The major publishers almost never look at a book that isn’t presented by a reputable literary agent. You can find good agents a number of ways. Two of my favorites are checking the acknowledgments page of similar books—most authors thank their agents—and Agentquery.com. The latter allows you search for agents by specific criteria. You can find an agent who represents similar authors, so you don’t submit your horror novel to someone who reps romance novels, for example. The results of the search provide contact info, agency site links, and submission guidelines. Once you have some appropriate agents in mind, send a query. That’s a short letter introducing yourself, describing your book in a few compelling paragraphs (think jacket copy), and asking if they’d be interested in reading a sample. If all goes well, an agent will request pages. If she likes the sample pages, she’ll ask for the whole thing. If she loves the whole thing, she might offer to represent you. A good agent will have relationships with editors at publishing houses, and will submit to those she feels are the likeliest fit. There’s still no guarantee you’ll get a deal at this point, but if an editor loves the book, too, an offer will be made to buy and publish the book. You’ll get an advance on royalties, based on how much money the publisher expects to earn. Advances are usually low, but if you’ve gotten as far as a deal, count your blessings. You’ve made it farther than most, and if your book is a hit, you’ll get additional royalties once you’ve earned back your advance. 

5. What are publishers looking for in offering book deals? Do you have any tips for landing one?

Every publisher is different, and every editor is a combination of professional and, more importantly, subjective interest. I firmly believe that most agents and editors adore books. Very few editors are rolling in money. They’re in it because they love it. That doesn’t mean they don’t want their books to sell like crazy, but a lot of editors will fight for a book they believe in even if they think the potential readership is small. My publisher, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, has a reputation for supporting authors based on merit more than obvious marketability. They take more chances, but are therefore increasingly selective. My editor actually passed on my novel twice. I got the deal because I did a good rewrite, she saw the book’s potential, and the two of us hit it off. My tip for getting a deal is simple: love writing, and don’t quit. Just keep writing better novels until one of those book-loving agents or editors is thrilled to find your manuscript sitting in their pile. You can’t control people’s reactions to your work, except by doing better work. A lot of writers spend too much time worrying about book deals when they ought to be writing a book.

6. What do you think about self-publishing? Is it a viable option these days? What are the pros and cons of self-publishing versus going the established publisher route?

I’m not terribly well-informed on this subject, but here’s my take. Self-publishing used to be a joke. Now, thanks to many excellent writers who went that route, it’s more respectable. But I think it’s even harder than taking the traditional route. Yes, anyone can self-publish, and earn higher royalties per copy, and skip the torturous query-rejection situation. But then your book is out there and you have to find ways to get noticed amid the millions of books on the market. You can hire a publicist, but there goes a lot of your extra money, and the self-publishing success stories are much, much rarer than some people believe. And even though the self-publishing stigma has diminished, it still exists to some degree. If you tell someone you self-published a novel, all they really know is that you wrote a book. If you tell someone a major house is publishing your novel, they know you wrote a book and it was good enough to rise out of the slush pile. It all depends on what you want. Will you be satisfied self-publishing? Are you willing to make it work with tons of self-promotion? Go for it. Will you be disappointed with anything less than a traditional deal? Work until you get one.

7. Tens of thousands of novels are published every year. How do you get your novel to rise above the fray and get noticed? Do you have any promotional tips? How did you score a review in the New York Times Book Review? How do they pick which books to review — is it just chance that they came across yours?

My publisher really goes to bat for the titles they publish. Sales reps travel store to store, trying to convince booksellers to carry upcoming books (this is true of all major publishers). I have an experienced publicist at FSG who contacts every major and minor paper, magazine, or web site that might be interested in covering the book. She sends them copies and follows up. That was how I got the Times review. (It didn’t hurt that FSG is a respected house; as a side note to the previous answer, the Times still won’t consider self-published books for review.) Word-of-mouth, which no one can control, remains one of the top—if not the top—ways of getting noticed. If readers like a book, they recommended it to friends and family. If word-of-mouth grows, the books takes off, and no single review or article can compare. I’ve also blogged and tweeted, but those approaches work best when you’re winning an audience with original material instead of just self-promoting. Facebook is useless; it’s mostly friends and family who, one hopes, will buy your book anyway. I wrote guest essays for a number of popular sites to get my name out. But again and again, the best promotion is having a good book, so the bulk of the novelist’s work is writing the actual novel.

8. Did you work another job while writing your novel? Are you writing full-time now? What percentage of novelists would you guess do it full-time?

I didn’t feel an inclination toward teaching, so I didn’t know what to do with my BA in English. I worked a bunch of temp jobs and eventually landed a job in NYC doing television research for The Hallmark Channel. I crunched Nielsen ratings. It was the least writerly job imaginable. In time I became a copywriter for an academic publishing house, but I became a stay-at-home father when our son was born, and now that I’ve gotten one novel published, I’m taking a whack at writing fiction full-time. This would not be possible without my extraordinarily supportive, breadwinning wife. I try to keep myself useful by handling the finances and attempting DIY projects.

9 The publishing landscape is rapidly changing. Scott Turow thinks the American author is suffering a “slow death.” But aren’t there new opportunities for authors emerging as well? What do you personally think are the challenges and opportunities for modern novelists?

I can’t believe any author can still write about the death of fiction, publishing, etc., with a straight face. It was a cliché to lament the death of literature decades ago. Not that people like Turow don’t have valid concerns, and ones worth expressing, but it so often sounds like Mayan prophecies and Y2K, and here we all are, still writing and reading. I honestly wonder: Was there ever a golden age when writers made loads of money and everybody read a book a week? eBooks are great, and I say that as a paper devotee. Self-publishing is great, and I say that as traditionally published author who’s trying to get noticed in an increasingly cluttered market. Opportunities always exist. Look right here: I managed to successfully pitch this feature before any other novelist, even though your site is super popular and you’ve already had job features on everything from butchers to luthiers. If my pitch here hadn’t worked out, I’d have tried elsewhere. The challenge of being a novelist is primarily writing a good novel, and getting better, and finding a way to love it. The secondary challenge is getting your finished work into the hands of overwhelmed readers, the best solution being to write a book people want to read and recommend. As for opportunities, look at the wonderful buffet of options: social media, web sites, big and little traditional publishers, self-publishing. Pick the routes that light you up. Ultimately, however, I try not dwell on the state of the industry or the popularity of fiction. It doesn’t help me write any better. I can’t control it any more than a meteor hitting Earth, so why let it distract me? 

10. What is the best part of your job?

The writing itself. It wasn’t always that way. Early on, I wanted to be published so intensely that I couldn’t wait to finish a manuscript, polish it up, and fire it off. The first time I submitted a novel to dozens of agents and failed to get it published, I was crushed and considered giving up. Depression has always been a danger for me, and rejection seriously fueled it. But I’ve discovered that I’m more likely to get depressed when I’m not writing. If I skip a few days, which is rare at this stage, I start to feel antsy and glum. Writing is good for me. It keeps me balanced, gives me purpose. I had a major breakthrough when I realized it could also be fun. I’d spent years falling for that tortured artist nonsense. This is a job I do five to seven days a week, every week, ideally for the rest of my life. I’d be an idiot if I thought of it as torture and didn’t find something better to do with my time. So now I write to satisfy myself, and I’m totally in control of that. No worries about promotion or the death of the modern fiction—it’s just me and my imaginary world.

11. What is the worst part of your job?

There remains a lingering fear that I’m not a good writer and don’t know what I’m doing. Part of writing is having an inner critic, looking for mistakes and potential improvements, but the critic shows up at irritating times, and sometimes lies, and often fails to notice the most glaring shortcomings. It’s hard to find a balance between freewheeling emotion and careful thought. But the nice thing about writing is that it’s done in private, and I have all the chances I need to make a manuscript work.

12. What is the work/family/life balance like for you?

Pretty balanced, but it’s always at risk of falling apart. I get preoccupied or stressed sometimes and have to dial back on my workload. I’m very, very lucky to have six hours a day when our son is in school. I do most of my writing then, at home with our dog Bones, and try to tidy the house and exercise a few times a week. In the afternoons I’m with our son, and then we’re all together once my wife gets home from work. I’m kind of a hermit. I’m OK with staying put most of the time. Our family schedule is busy but rarely insane, and my wife and I try to rein things in whenever our lives start to feel scattered.

13. What is the biggest misconception people have about your job?

That it’s magic and not just making things up over several thousands of hours. Writers sometimes have an aura that you don’t see in other professions, maybe because the work is so private, and because so many writers, myself included, struggle to explain how exactly we go from a little idea to a 300-page book. But I feel the same about anyone who’s good at anything. I just saw a news report about a local high-school student who’s getting great a pole vaulting. That’s incomprehensible to me. He takes a long bendy stick and uses it to propel himself, nearly upside-down, into the air without breaking his neck. Give that guy the magic aura.

14. Any other advice, tips, commentary or anecdotes you’d like to share?

I was writing a long time, and putting in major effort for ten years, before I wrote something good enough to publish. I doubted myself constantly, and lost hope, and re-approached it, and found hope, and finally found a defiant sort of happiness in knowing I would keep on writing, even if I died an old man without a book deal. Now that I’ve had some success, I can say the struggle was entirely worth it, and that the daily work is more satisfying than ever. There’s a good anecdote about a young Edward Norton being told that he had no talent and ought to quit acting. This was said by a woman he respected. He walked away crushed but then decided she was wrong. If you act like that whenever someone, or something, insists you pack it in, you’re probably a writer who’s going to make it eventually. And I recently told an aspiring writer about a realization I had: when older writers are past their peak, and very young writers aren’t yet good enough, the writers in the middle have the best shot at breaking through. So if you’re getting down because you haven’t gotten published after many years of effort, remember there’s a large window of opportunity. It’s not like certain sports where you’re washed up at thirty. You might be Charles Frazier (Cold Mountain) at 47 or Norman McLean (A River Runs Through It) at 74. And really, try to leave publishing worries for after you’ve finished a novel. Then write another novel right away. Right away.

Fellow Mortals Giveaway

We’ve got two signed copies of Dennis’ novel, Fellow Mortals, to give away to two readers.

Fellow Mortals is described as a novel which “charts the fall of a man who has spent his life working to be decent and shows us a community trying desperately to hold itself together.” I read it myself, and while it’s different than my usual fare, I found it quite enjoyable. It’s an intimate portrayal of how relationships are mended (or not) in the aftermath of a tragedy. (It does contain some sexual content, if that’s not your bag).

To enter to win a copy of Fellow Mortals, just leave a comment sharing your thoughts on novel writing, the publishing industry, vocation in general, or even a SYWMJ idea you’d like to see that we haven’t covered yet.

All comments are moderated, so please be patient, and do not enter twice.

Two comments will be randomly drawn as the winners. Giveaway ends Thursday, May 23, at 5pm CT. Post will be updated with the winner within 72 hours after the giveaway ends.

Related posts:

1. A Manvotional Book: Would You Be Interested?
2. 30 Days to a Better Man Day 27: Start a Book
3. Important Updates About the Art of Manliness Book
4. Embracing “No”
5. So You Want My Job: Songwriter

As we’ve discussed before, many men these days have trouble being assertive. One of the things these “Nice Guys” struggle with is communicating their needs to others. Because they shy away from conflict, and don’t want to trouble or inconvenience others, they constantly let other people’s needs supersede their own, and they find it difficult to articulate their personal goals and desires. Instead, they rely on “mind-reading,” believing their partners should intuitively know what they need without them having to say anything. If the Nice Guy’s partner isn’t skilled in telepathy, he becomes resentful and begins ascribing negative qualities like selfishness to her, even though he’s never actually given her a fair chance to meet his needs.

Relying on mind-reading to get your needs fulfilled creates feelings of chronic anger and contempt towards your partner, conditions which will almost invariably lead to the demise of your relationship. To keep your relationship strong and happy, it’s up to you to make your needs clearly known. As the authors of Couple Skills, Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg (hereafter referred to as MFP), put it, nobody is in a better position to understand your needs than you are:

“You have a right to ask for the things you need in a relationship. In fact, you have a responsibility to yourself and your partner to be clear about your needs. You are the expert on yourself. No one else, not even your partner, can read your mind and know what you need in the way of support, intimate contact, time alone, domestic order, independence, sex, love, financial security, and so on.”

So if articulating your needs isn’t something you’ve felt comfortable doing, how do you start going about it? And how do you do it in a way that doesn’t create defensiveness and anger, and offers the best chance of your partner being willing to listen and fulfill that need?

MFP offer a really helpful “needs script” to follow when initiating this kind of sensitive conversation. Obviously, it’s not a word-for-word script – what you say will vary greatly according to your relationship and personal situation. Instead, it offers a very simple template for communicating your needs in a healthy and productive way. However, if expressing your needs is something you really struggle with, you may actually find it helpful to write out your “script” beforehand. You don’t need to read it to your partner, but putting down your thoughts on paper can help you prepare. That way, in the heat of the moment, you don’t fall into old traps of passiveness or aggressiveness and can instead navigate the healthy middle path of assertiveness.

The Needs Script

Situation (specific, objective description of facts). Start off the conversation by offering a straightforward description of the situation you want to address. Leave out analysis, interpretation, and inflammatory or accusatory language – try to make it as specific, impersonal, and objective as possible.

• Our relationship has really sucked lately. We’ve been fighting a lot more than usual these last few weeks.
• Our bedroom looks like a bomb went off. There are a lot of clothes on our bedroom floor.
• Your spending is out of control. We’re $300 over our budget this month.
• I’m going crazy in this sexless marriage. We haven’t had sex in two months.
• I’m always stuck at home and never get to see my friends anymore. I haven’t been out with my friends since the baby came.

Feelings (non-blaming “I” statements). When you tell your partner what you’re feeling, you need to be careful to not vent or explode in a vague, accusatory way (“I’m angry/stressed/upset and you’re to blame!”) which may feel cathartic, but isn’t actually productive. In order to keep the conversation as a problem-solving discussion rather than a heated argument, you want to accurately convey the nature, intensity, and cause of your feelings. So before you begin the conversation, you’ll want to have honed in as much as possible to the specifics of what you’ve been feeling. Once you’ve identified the broad feeling that first comes to mind (angry, upset, hurt, etc.), MFP suggests narrowing down its nature and focus with these modifiers:

1. Definition. First, make your broad feeling more specific by adding some synonyms. When you say angry, do you mean angry and stressed, or angry and irritated? Or are you really more confused or disappointed than mad? When you say you’re upset, are you upset and disappointed, or upset and depressed? The more specific descriptors you can use to describe how you’re feeling, the better.
2. Intensity. Add modifiers that accurately convey the intensity of your feelings. Have you been feeling a little resentful or a lot? Slightly discouraged or majorly depressed? Be honest here.
3. Duration. How long have you been feeling this way? Have you been stressed since you lost your job or ever since you got married? Have you felt irritated for weeks or for days?
4. Cause and Context. You want to avoid naming your partner as the cause of your feelings, no matter how tempting, and even if their actions really have been the catalyst. Blame begets defensiveness, not communication. What will result is a fight that doesn’t end up addressing the real problem whatsoever. Instead, try to communicate the cause of your feelings in the form of their impersonal context, and describe your own feelings rather than those of the other person. You can accomplish this by using “I” statements rather than “you” accusations.

• Your clinginess is making me feel suffocated. I miss seeing my friends.
• Your nagging is driving me crazy. Getting numerous reminders about doing something makes me feel patronized.
• You’re such a slob. I feel frustrated when there are things all over the floor.
• You’ve really been bringing me down. I have been feeling depressed and unhappy lately.
• Getting this overdraft notice makes me feel like you’re not competent enough to handle our finances. I get really worried about our finances when I see an overdraft notice arrive in the mail.

Request (for behavior change). MFP spell this part of the script out well: “Ask for a change in behavior only. This is a very important rule. Don’t expect your partner to change his or her values, attitudes, desires, motivations, or feelings. These characteristics are very hard to change. It’s like asking someone to be taller or more intelligent. People feel personally threatened if you ask them to change intangibles that are seen as part of their very nature and beyond their conscious control. For example, what does it mean to ask someone to be ‘more loving’ or ‘less critical’ or ‘neater’? These kinds of requests are heard as attacks, and little real change is likely to result.”

MFP counsels that instead of going after someone’s “core” attributes, and having them react defensively, stick with making a request that they modify a specific, observable behavior.

• I want you to be neater. I would really like it if you could put your dirty dishes away in the dishwasher and close the cabinets after you take stuff out of them.
• I want you to be less critical of me. I would appreciate it if you didn’t make jokes about me being out of work in front of your parents.
• I want you to be more loving. It would mean a lot to me if you gave me a kiss when I came home from work and asked me how my day was.
• I wish you were up for sex more often. I know we’re both crazy busy, but I’d like us to commit to trying to have sex at least once a week, even if that means scheduling it.
• You need to be less clingy. I want to hang out with my friends at least once a month.

When you make your request, only tackle one situation and 1 or 2 observable behavior changes at a time. You don’t want to overwhelm your partner – she’ll just shut down. Pick small changes that will make her feel like, “Okay, that’s reasonable. I can do that.” See if your partner follows through on those changes. If she does, then bring up something else to work on down the line.

Here’s a full example of how the “needs script” might go:

Situation. Ever since the baby came, we’ve both really had our hands full. We haven’t gone out together alone in months.

Feelings. I feel like we’ve become more platonic roommates than lovers. I’ve been feeling really disconnected from you.

Request. I know you’re worried about leaving the baby with a babysitter, but I’d like to try it once, just for a couple of hours, to see how it goes.

Other Things to Keep in Mind

Keep your tone as calm and level as possible. Don’t let anger or annoyance creep into your voice – using even a slightly heated, annoyed, accusatory, or patronizing tone can escalate things into an unproductive argument.

Pick a time when your partner can give you their full attention. Don’t start the conversation while your wife is holding a crying baby or your girlfriend is about to find out whodunit at the end of Law & Order. You don’t want their annoyance about the circumstances to color how they receive your request. Select a time when they’re in a good mood and ready to listen.

Start out by expressing a small need, rather than a large, contentious one, especially if your relationship has been struggling. Once you start meeting each other’s needs successfully, you’ll be in a better position to tackle more polarizing problems.

Don’t feel like having to ask for something makes it less valuable. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your partner should know what you need without you having to say anything – that if they really loved you and knew you, or weren’t so selfish, they would just naturally do it. You might then feel that a change in their behavior is somehow less “real” or valuable if you had to ask for it. “You’re just doing it because I told you I liked that, not because you really want to.”

But people, even those in the closest of relationships, think and see the world differently. Something may seem obvious to you, but simply not occur to them – not because of some character defect or lack of love — but because they are simply a different person with a different brain than you. Instead of seeing their inability to anticipate your needs on their own as a flaw, accept your differences. And instead of seeing behavior changes you directly asked for as less valuable, appreciate the way they’re willing to meet that need, even if it doesn’t come naturally. It’s just as worthy as a gesture of love and commitment, if not more so.

Communicating needs is not a one-way street. Hopefully this is obvious, but asking someone to meet your needs is not a unilateral process. Encourage your partner to make her needs known as well, and do your best to listen to, understand, and try to meet those needs when you can. In a healthy relationship, both partners are eager to try to do what they can to make the other person happy.

If you’re on the receiving end of a needs request, one of the most important things to do is to try to accept the other person’s “quirks.” You may not understand why she likes things done in a certain way, or how something that can seem so trivial to you can be so important to her, but you have quirks, too, that she finds equally hard to grasp. The more you can compromise and accommodate each other’s unique, but not-so-onerous needs, even without necessarily understanding them, the happier you’ll be.

You have a right to ask, but that doesn’t mean your needs will always be met. Your partner and kids have needs too, and their needs may conflict with yours. Making your needs known is not about issuing an ultimatum, but about open communication, compromise, and cooperation. Maybe your stay-at-home wife doesn’t feel like she can clean the house more consistently, but is willing to stop going out to eat on the weekends and use the saved money to hire a housekeeper. Maybe she isn’t up for all of your sexual fantasies, but is willing to try a few new things. Maybe she isn’t willing to give up her Wednesday night running club so you can go to a shooting class with your buddy, but is willing to watch the kids all Saturday afternoon so you can play golf with him. Even if you don’t come up with the exact solution you had hoped for, being open about your needs will make you a happier, less angry husband or boyfriend.

If your partner is unwilling to compromise or cooperate with you in any way, you have a choice in how to proceed. You can:

• Try to put this one refusal in perspective with all the good things she does offer and bring to the relationship. Is the issue such a big deal in the big picture? If not, you express your disappointment and work to understand why you can’t meet on this issue, but ultimately accept her position. Ask if you can re-open the discussion at another time.
• Utilize a self-care alternative. MFP suggests having a “self-care alternative” in mind when possible in case your partner can’t or won’t meet your needs. For example, if you want to pursue more independent interests, but your partner doesn’t give any ground, you might pay for and enroll in a weekly class you want to take anyway. The self-care alternative is your “or else,” but it’s not meant to be a punitive ultimatum, simply “your plan for solving a problem if you can’t get your partner’s help in a preferred solution.” Because while it doesn’t hurt to ask, in the end, it’s not other people who are ultimately responsible for meeting your needs.
• If an issue is too important to you to simply accept a “No,” and/or if this refusal to meet your needs is a consistent pattern, in which you’re always being walked over while giving a lot in return, you may need to end the relationship.

________________________

Source:

Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. I read through a bunch of relationship advice books recently looking for some good bits that might be helpful to pass along to readers. This was definitely the best in the bunch. It’s written by men (one of which runs a men’s support group) and includes lots of concrete, useful, practical tips. 

Related posts:

1. How To End a Relationship Like a Man
2. 14 Red Flags to Look Out for in a Relationship
3. 8 Tools That Will Change Your Life: The Hold On to Your N.U.T.s Book Giveaway
4. Blow Up Your Relationship with Your Mother – And Get One Step Closer to Being the Man You Want to Be
5. Being the Rock

A few years ago, we published a guest post on suit buttons, and one of the best things I got out of it was a handy way to remember the right way to button a three-button suit jacket, which was shared by the first commenter. It’s called the “sometimes, always, never” button rule. Starting with the top button and working your way down: it’s sometimes appropriate to have the top button buttoned along with the middle one (a stylistic decision — if the lapel is flat, it can look good to button it; if the lapel rolls over and hides the top button, only button the middle one), it’s always appropriate to have the middle button buttoned (the middle button pulls the jacket together at your natural waist and lets the bottom naturally flare out around your hips), and you should never button the last button (doing so messes up the intended tailoring and flare offered by the middle button). Sometimes, always, never. Easy.

Related posts:

1. Art of Manliness Suit School: Part III – A Primer on Suit Buttons
2. A Man and the Sports Jacket: A Tailored Suit’s Sports Jacket Giveaway
3. Interviewing in a Recession: How to Dress for a Job Interview in Hard Times
4. How to Sew on a Button
5. A Man and the Boutonniere

Last December, 58-year-old Ki Suk Han was pushed onto the subway tracks in New York City. Even though 60-90 seconds passed before an oncoming train hit the man, a group of up to eighteen bystanders simply stood on the platform and looked on as the train approached and ran him over. One, a freelance photographer for a New York newspaper, even had time to snap a photo of Han’s last moments.

Six months earlier, 49-year-old Patricia Villa was grabbed and thrown onto the same NYC tracks as Mr. Han. One of her classmates, Luis Polanco, chased down the attacker, punched him, and then, hearing others yell for someone to save her and that a train was coming, turned and joined a group who pulled her off the tracks.

Two nearly identical situations. In the first, bystanders look on and do nothing as a man is killed. In the second, they step in to save a life. Why do some men freeze up and react passively in a crisis, while others take action? Why do some run away from danger and others run toward it?

Why are some men sheep and other men sheepdogs?

And which one are you?

Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs

Last year I took a handgun class at the U.S. Shooting Academy here in Tulsa. During one of our breaks, our burly, mustached instructor shared an insight from retired Army Lt. Col. and author Dave Grossman that’s given me a lot of food for thought this past year.

According to Grossman, the human population can be divided into three groups: sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs.

Sheep

Most people are sheep. Grossman isn’t using the term pejoratively, he’s simply referring to the fact that most human beings are kind, gentle, and peaceful. The conflicts and ethical dilemmas they’re regularly faced with rarely rise to the level of life and death, good versus evil. For the most part people deal with challenges that are more annoyances than true crises. And when faced with conflict, they generally try to do the right thing, avoid making waves, and demonstrate pro-social behavior.

While most people are kind and good, they simply don’t know how to deal with evil and dangerous people because for the most part they don’t encounter and interact with evil and dangerous people in their day-to-day lives. Like sheep, they largely move about with those who are like them and do as others do. They are content to subsist in a predictable and routine sphere. As they live and graze, they cannot envision anything disrupting their peace or routine, and imagine that each day will proceed like the last. And just like sheep, most people depend on somebody else to protect and take care of them and keep this relatively placid world around them going smoothly, be it the police, military, or some administrative agency.

Wolves

Wolves are bad guys. They exist in the shadows outside the porous perimeter of safety that surrounds the sheep. Wolves are the sociopaths who commit violent crimes or ignore moral or ethical boundaries with impunity. They take advantage of the sheep’s tendency to be inexperienced with evil, unprepared for attack, and caught flat-footed when a crisis arises. This allows these evil men to, as Grossman puts it, “feed on the [sheep] without mercy.”

According to Grossman, a minutely small percentage of the population can be described as true “wolves.” He puts the number at around 1%.

Sheepdogs

Sheepdogs are society’s protectors. Grossman himself doesn’t flesh this out (or the other categories) all that deeply, but in reading up on the role of “livestock guardian dogs,” I found an uncannily good description of human sheepdogs.

While both herding dogs and livestock guardian dogs (LGDs) are known as sheepdogs, their roles are quite different. The former bark at, nip, and stare down animals to keep them together and moving in a certain way. Livestock guardian dogs, on the other hand, live with their flock of animals full-time, allowing them to blend in and watch for intruders within the herd. LGDs are placed in the flock as puppies so that they “imprint” on the animals they will be tasked with caring for and protecting. Strongly bonded to them, the LGD will perceive other species as predators and protect those it knows from these potentially hostile outsiders.

Large and protective, the mere presence of a LGD in a herd can deter would-be predators, and those that dare to venture closer often turn tail when the dog simply demonstrates its aggression through barking and intimidation. According to Wikipedia: “LGDs seldom kill predators; instead, their aggressive behaviors tend to condition predators to seek unguarded (thus, non-farm animal) prey. For instance, in Italy’s Gran Sasso National Park, where LGDs and wolves have coexisted for centuries, older, more experienced wolves seem to ‘know’ the LGDs and leave their flocks alone.”

If a predator is not dissuaded by the presence of a LGD, it is ready and willing to attack and fight the predator to the death. And the LGD does not simply wait for a predator to attempt to infiltrate the flock – it also actively patrols its territory, seeking out predators and even luring them in to hunt them. Yet despite their fierceness, LGDs make loyal, gentle companions, and are especially protective of children.

According to Wikipedia, “The three qualities most sought after in LGDs are trustworthiness, attentiveness, and protectiveness—trustworthy in that they do not roam off and are not aggressive with the livestock, attentive in that they are situationally aware of threats by predators, and protective in that they will attempt to drive off predators.” What’s really interesting is the different roles these social creatures can play according to their differing personalities:

“Most [stick] close to the livestock, others tending to follow the shepherd or rancher when one is present, and some drifting farther from the livestock. These differing roles are often complementary in terms of protecting livestock, and experienced ranchers and shepherds sometimes encourage these differences by adjustments in socialization technique so as to increase the effectiveness of their group of dogs in meeting specific predator threats. LGDs that follow the livestock closest assure that a guard dog is on hand if a predator attacks, while LGDs that patrol at the edges of a flock or herd are in a position to keep would-be attackers at a safe distance from livestock. Those dogs that are more attentive tend to alert those that are more passive but perhaps also more trustworthy or less aggressive with the livestock.”

The role of human “sheepdogs” is almost exactly that of their canine counterparts. Like actual sheepdogs, they live among the flock – one of them, and yet different and set apart. They protect the perimeter and vigilantly watch for evil “wolves.” Their mere presence can keep bad men turning on each other instead of on law-abiding citizens, but if they do attack, human sheepdogs are alert and ready to be aggressive. They are prepared to make a stand against those who would do others harm, but outside of times of crisis, they are gentle and trustworthy. Grossman describes human sheepdogs as individuals who have a capacity for violence but also a moral compass and a “deep love for [their] fellow citizens.” Their hardihood and bravery gives them the ability to “walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed.”

Sheep find sheepdogs annoying when things are fine. For example, most people grumble about the police when they get a ticket for a minor traffic violation. But when a wolf shows up, and the police catch him, the complaining stops and people turn out to line the streets, cheer them on, and shower them with gratitude.

As with wolves, sheepdogs make up a very small percentage of the population. Grossman guesses this elite group represents just 1% of people.

The Sheep/Sheepdog Continuum

Grossman argues that “the business of being a sheep or sheepdog is not a yes-no dichotomy.” Rather it’s a continuum. Some folks live at the extreme ends of the spectrum and are completely passive sheep or hardened ultimate warriors. Most people, however, fall somewhere in between.

Your “sheepness” or “sheepdogness” can change depending on context, too. I’ve known men who act like fierce sheepdogs in one situation, but have the passivity of lambs in another.

Sheepdogs are Made, Not Born

Being a sheepdog isn’t a matter of birth; it’s a choice – a matter of mental and physical training. In fact, as we’ll see in our next post, we’re hardwired psychologically and sociologically for sheepness. In order to become a sheepdog, you have to consciously decide to do so and then slowly upgrade your mental, physical, and emotional hardware from Sheep 1.0 to Sheepdog 2.0.

Moral and Ethical Sheepdogs

As I said at the outset, I’ve been thinking about this sheep/sheepdog/wolf paradigm for awhile now. The concept has been a driving force in my desire to learn both armed and unarmed self-defense. I don’t want to be a sheep. I want to be a sheepdog and have the capacity to protect my family and loved ones from the wolves that might be out there.

While Grossman uses his sheep/sheepdog/wolf analogy to explain violent confrontations, I think it’s just as applicable to moral and ethical confrontations that we face at work and in our communities as well. One of my favorite shows to watch is American Greed on CNBC. Ever since I learned about Grossman’s analogy, I can’t help but see it play out on the show. There’s typically some guy who’s the wolf that takes advantage of innocent folks — the sheep — by scamming them out of their money. The scam goes on for years because no one does anything to end it, even when they notice something isn’t right. It isn’t until one brave person — the sheepdog — takes action that the bad guy is brought to justice.

And of course we see the same dynamic play out in larger “scams” – the recent banking and housing crisis, for example, was precipitated by tons of underhanded behavior that was witnessed by thousands, and yet only called out by a rare few.

Becoming a Sheepdog

While those who make the military, police work, or emergency response their career have a professional responsibility to be sheepdogs, all men should strive to be more on the sheepdog than the sheep side of the spectrum. The world needs men who are willing to face danger and stand up to dishonesty to save others and preserve the fabric of their communities.

Yet while the sheep/sheepdog paradigm has become more popular and well-known these days, I’ve never really seen it explained beyond naming the categories and leaving it at that. But why are most people sheep? And how do you become a sheepdog? I think these are interesting and important questions to answer, so for the next couple weeks we’ll offer some possible explanations for our ingrained sheepness, as well as ways to overcome those tendencies and become a sheepdog.

Related posts:

1. Manvotional: Somebody’s Mother
2. Man Knowledge: A History of Man-Eaters
3. How to Raise Backyard Chickens
4. Choosing Man’s Best Friend: A Guide to Canine Companions
5. Manvotional: The Cardinal Virtues — Wisdom

This week we’re taking one of our periodic breaks from publishing to recharge our craniums. Kate and I will be camping for a few days. And then Friday I’m off to Los Angeles. I’m a bit of a recluse and not much for traveling and leaving my family and have only done a couple of book signings over the years, but LA is home to the largest percentage of AoM readers, and I’ve developed some great online contacts there that I’ve long wanted to meet in the flesh. So I figured it was finally time for a visit, and Saturday I’m doing a book signing at the Tankfarm & Co. flagship store in Seal Beach, CA. There will be free beer, coffee, and haircuts! If you live in the Southern California area, I would love for you to stop by and to meet you. It should be a great time!

Related posts:

1. The Weekly Huckberry Giveaway: May 3, 2013
2. Announcing the New Art of Manliness T-Shirts
3. Announcing New Art of Manliness T-Shirt Designs!
4. The Book Deadline Cometh
5. Frequently Asked Questions: Part I

The Coming Man of the World
By: Ella Wheeler Wilcox
c. 1891

Oh, not for the great departed
Who formed our country’s laws,
And not for the bravest-hearted
Who died in freedom’s cause;
And not for some living hero,
To whom all bend the knee,
My muse shall raise her song of praise,
But for the Man to be.

For out of the strife which women
Are passing through today,
A man that is more than human
Shall surely be born, I say;
A man in whose pure spirit
No dross of self will lurk,
A man who is strong to cope with wrong,
A Man who is proud to work.

A man with hope undaunted,
A man with God-like power,
Shall come when he is wanted,
Shall come at the needed hour.
He shall silence the din and clamor
Of clan disputing clan,
And toil’s long fight with purse-proud might
Shall triumph through this Man.

I know he is coming, coming,
To help, to guide, to save.
Though I hear no martial drumming
And see no flags that wave.
But the great soul-travail of woman,
And the bold, free thought unfurled,
And heralds that say he is on the way,
The coming Man of the world.

Mourn not for the vanished ages
With their grand, heroic men,
Who dwell in history’s pages
And live in the poet’s pen.
For the grandest times are before us,
And the world is yet to see
The noblest work of this old earth
In the Men that are to be.

Related posts:

1. Manvotional: Call of the Wild
2. Manvotional: In an Age of Fops and Toys
3. Manvotional: Alumunus Football
4. Manvotional: Fighting
5. How Martial Arts Can Supercharge Your Man Spirit

About a year ago, I wrote a post on why you should roughhouse with your kid. I thought it would make for a good video, so here it is. Watch and learn the six ways roughhousing makes your kids awesome as well as Gus McKay’s favorite roughhousing moves.

(If you’re an email subscriber, watch the video here.)

Related posts:

1. The Importance of Roughhousing With Your Kids
2. How to Shave Like Your Grandpa: An Instructional Film [VIDEO]
3. Have You Checked Out the Art of Manliness Trunk Yet?
4. The Weekly Huckberry Giveaway: October 5, 2012
5. The Weekly Huckberry Giveaway: September 21, 2012