Image from Von Asaider

This is the fifth part in a series designed to help you boost your resiliency. For the previous entries, see Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV.

When we first introduced the topic of resiliency, we discussed how it is both a reactive and an active quality, a skill that helps you bounce back and reach out.

Today’s discussion will center on the active aspect of resiliency and the path to gaining the confidence to take risks and embrace change.

Anchoring Your Resiliency in Your Authentic Self

When your self-esteem and sense of self-worth is tied to other people, your job, or any other external factors, your confidence is subject to every wind of change and lacks real stability. Any time these external factors change, your happiness and confidence go with it. Your emotional fortitude goes up and down like a roller coaster.

Tying your self-concept to external factors also keeps you from embracing adventure and approaching the world like a courageous explorer. If you base your self-concept on external things, any changes in those things will throw you for a loop, create anxiety, and compel you to cling as tightly as you can to the status quo. You become desperate to keep your life just the way it is and can’t handle change. You avoid traveling, moving, changing jobs, and getting into relationships because these steps alter the environment on which you’ve based your self-concept, leaving you feeling lost and out of control

The key to active resiliency is to build your self-concept not on a constructed self, but on an authentic self, not on external things, but on the inner, personal strengths that make you unique as a man. Your unique strengths are your special tools that will allow you to build a happy and fulfilling life. Understanding what tools you possess can give you the confidence that you’ll be able to face any challenge that comes your way. While we can’t predict the future, we can have confidence in our ability to deal with whatever happens.

Basing your self-concept on your personal strengths allows your resiliency to remain strong wherever your go and whatever happens to you.

Think of it this way, you can either live in a fort, with your only gun in the turret, or you can strap your arsenal to yourself and take it anywhere you go. The resilient man is the guerrilla warrior of life.

Finding Your Character Strengths

Those will some knowledge of psychology will probably be familiar with the “DSM”-the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The DSM classifies and lists all the psychological disorders recognized by the American Psychiatric Association.

Drs. Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson are pioneers in the field of positive psychology. Believing that the field of psychology had spent too much time focusing on mental sickness instead of mental health, the two set out to create a list not of human disorders but of human strengths. These doctors set out to find virtues which had been prized almost universally across time, religion, and culture.

Their research yielded 6 core virtues. Under these virtues they listed 24 character strengths associated with each one. The character strengths were the avenues to living and attaining that virtue. Let’s take a look at the list:

1. Wisdom and knowledge-cognitive strengths that entail the acquisition and use of knowledge

• Creativity
• Curiosity
• Open-mindedness
• Love of learning
• Perspective

2. Courage-emotional strengths that involve the exercise of will to accomplish goals in the face of opposition, external or internal

• Bravery
• Persistence
• Integrity
• Vitality

3. Humanity-interpersonal strengths that involve tending and befriending others

• Love
• Kindness
• Social Intelligence

4. Justice-civic strengths that underlie healthy community life

• Citizenship
• Fairness
• Leadership

5. Temperance-strengths that protect against excess

• Forgiveness and mercy
• Humility/modesty
• Prudence
• Self-regulation (self-control)

6. Transcendence-strengths that forge connections to other people and the larger universe and provide meaning

• Appreciation of beauty and excellence (awe, wonder, elevation)
• Gratitude
• Hope
• Humor
• Spirituality

Before you proceed further, take 20 minutes to take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths, available free at authentichappiness.org under the heading “Engagement Questionnaires.”

Did you take the test? Good. Now look over the list of strengths given in your results.

No test is perfect, and the taker can bias the results by choosing answers that don’t describe themselves as much as they describe the person they wish they were. So you want to double-check that the strengths listed are the real you. Seligman and Peterson recommend that you evaluate the authenticity of each strength with this criteria:

• A sense of ownership and authenticity (“This is the real me”).
• A feeling of excitement while displaying the strength, especially at first.
• A rapid learning curve as the strength is first practiced.
• A continuous learning of new ways to enact the strength.
• A sense of yearning to find ways to use it.
• A feeling of inevitability in using the strength, as if one cannot be stopped or dissuaded from its display.
• Joy, zest, enthusiasm, even ecstasy while using it.
• Invigoration rather than exhaustion when using the strength.
• The creation and pursuit of personal projects that revolve around the strength.
• Intrinsic motivation to use the strength.

If a strength meets several of this criteria then it is truly one of your signature strengths. Signature strengths are “strengths of character that a person owns, celebrates, and frequently exercises.” If a strength doesn’t meet any of those criteria, then they’re probably not one of your signature strengths.

Using Your Signature Strengths to Enhance Your Life and Resiliency

“Resiliency comes from a discovered self, not a constructed self. It comes from the gradual emergence of your unique, inborn abilities in a process called individuation. The better you become, the more unique you become as an individual-and it never ends.” -Dr. Al Siebert

Now that you know what you signature strengths are, you can use them to enhance your life in three ways:

1. Start basing your self-concept on your signature strengths, not on external things. This isn’t some banal self-esteem affirmation where everyone is special just because. Your signature strengths are the things that truly make you unique and give you something special to offer the world. Allow yourself to feel confident in what you have to offer people. As we discussed on Monday, we may never be superheroes in the traditional sense, but you should look at your signature strengths like your unique “superpowers” that you can use as a force of good in the world.

2. Embrace your signature strengths as the arsenal of tools you have to meet life’s challenges. Unlike external things, your signature strengths can go anywhere and help you in any situation. If you get divorced, let go from your job, or move to a new place, your signature strengths are hanging around your shoulders like a bandoleer, ready to be employed to build something new. You are the Rambo of resiliency.

3. Exercising your signature strengths wherever and whenever you can. The exercise of your signature strength is the path to true fulfillment, gratification, satisfaction, and happiness. Find ways to employ your signature strengths more often in your job, relationships, families, and faith. The more fulfilled you feel, the stronger you’ll feel as a man, and the easier it will become to take risks and brush off setbacks.

The Resiliency Advantage by Dr. Al Siebert

Character Strengths and Virtues by Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Christopher Peterson

Authentic Happiness by Dr. Martin Seligman

• Building Your Resiliency: Part 1-An Introduction
• Boosting Your Resiliency-Part 2: Avoiding Learned Helplessness and Changing Your Explanatory Style
• Building Your Resiliency Part III: Taking Control of Your Life
• Manvotional: The American Boy by Theodore Roosevelt
• 5 Ways Strength Training Will Make You Man Up

Mallards, by J.N. Darling (1934-1935)

When my dad wasn’t working as a federal game warden, he pursued a manly hobby. He collects U.S. Federal Duck Stamps. I remember as a boy my dad would bring out his stamp albums around duck season (a busy time for a game warden) so he could add the newest stamp to the collection. He has every stamp ever issued by the Fish and Wildlife Service, going all the way back to 1935.

As a young boy, I would flip through the pages, look at the beautiful images of migratory waterfowl, and think “These things are manly.”

The History of the Duck Stamp

The Duck Stamp program started back in 1934, and the stamps still serve as the license to hunt migratory waterfowl. Working with the U.S. Postal Service, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service commissions an artist to create a pictorial scene featuring one of North America’s many migratory waterfowls.The first Duck Stamp cost $1. Today, they’re priced at $15.

The Fish and Wildlife Service uses revenue from Duck Stamps to purchase or lease waterfowl habitat. During it’s nearly 80 year history, the Duck Stamp Program has generated over $750 million, which has been used to protect over 5.3 million acres of waterfowl habitat. Thanks to the Duck Stamp program, generations of hunters and outdoorsmen have pristine locales all over the U.S. to hunt, fish, hike, and camp

Even if you don’t hunt, you can still benefit from purchasing Duck Stamps. Stamp holders get free access to National Wildlife Refuges the entire year. America’s refuges provide excellent hunting, fishing, and hiking opportunities year round.That’s a pretty good deal for $15.

Finally, if you’re interested in wildlife and nature conservation, buying a Duck Stamp is an easy and effective way to contribute to the cause. Plus, you get a really handsome and manly looking stamp for your contribution.

You can purchase Duck Stamps at most places that sell hunting and fishing licenses and at select Post Offices.

Below, I’ve included a few of my favorite Duck Stamps that the Fish and Wildlife Service have issued over the years. If you’d like to see all of them, check out the official site.

Green Winged Teal, by Lynn B. Hunt (1939-1940)

Buffelheads, by Maynard Reece (1948-1949)

Harlequin Ducks, by John H. Dick (1952-1953)

Mallard, by Maynard Reece (1959-1960)

Mallards, by E.A. Morris (1961-1962)

Emperor Geese, by Arthur M. Cook (1972-1973)

Mallards, by Richard Plasschaert (1980-1981)

Readhead Ducks, by Arthur G. Andersen (1987-1988)

Black-bellied Whistling Duck, by James Hautman (1990-1991)

Canada Goose, by Robert Hautman (1997-1998)

Greater Scaups, by James Hautman (1999-2000)

• So You Want My Job: Game Warden
• 10 Basics Every Man Should Have in His Fishing Tackle Box
• 11 Best Father/Son Activities
• The Benefits of a Gap Year
• An Introduction to Falconry

Every boy dreams of being a superhero, and knows that donning a cape or Spiderman costume is hardly just for Halloween.

But as we get older, we realize we don’t possess the supernatural powers of Spidey (or Batman’s primo cache of gadgets). And we notice the absence of the kind of otherwordly arch nemeses that plague our comic book heroes in the real world. The idea of being a hero is gradually put aside as “kid’s stuff.”

But while evildoers may not appear in the real world painted up as sadistic clowns or riding on the Goblin Glider, the world has never ceased its need for heroic men who are willing to come to the aid of those in danger and stand up for what is right.

While we now think of the Man of Steel battling super villains like Lex Luthor and Bizarro, when Superman was introduced in 1938, he was a champion of the little guy, fighting for social justice and morality and against corruption. As you can see in Superman’s debut in Action Comics #1, the “Champion of the oppressed. The physical marvel who had sworn to devote his existence to helping those in need” was concerned with the execution of innocent people, corrupt legislation, and even wife-beating.

To a people demoralized by the Great Depression, this was truly a hero for the time. And amidst our current recession of both finances and morale, it’s the kind of hero we need today. Most encouragingly, while we probably shouldn’t go about fighting injustice by busting into the governor’s mansion, it’s the kind of heroism that is within the reach of every man.

But for many of us, engaging in even this kind of heroism seems as difficult as running faster than a speeding train.

What Makes a Man a Hero?

Why do some men stand by and watch an injustice or an emergency take place without doing anything, while other men spring to action and save the day?

Two researchers, Zeno Franco and Phillip Zimbardo, have taken up these very questions. Many of you might be familiar with Dr. Zimbardo’s famous 1971 Stanford Prison Experiment that showed good people turning into sadistic tyrants when placed in a position of authority over other human beings. However, one of the interesting observations of the experiment was that “good guards” did exist in the make-believe prison. These guards didn’t abuse or insult the student-prisoners, like the “evil guards” did,  but they never tried to stop the abuse, either. Thus, the good guards actually ended up facilitating abuse by not taking action.

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. ~ Edmund Burke

The Stanford Prison Experiment demonstrated that given certain circumstances and social pressures, normal, decent people can end up doing unspeakable things.

But it also showed that these same circumstances and social pressures can cause men to commit a different but equal wrong: not taking action when action is required.

We see this wrong all the time. I’m sure we can all remember a time when we saw another human needing assistance, but we simply stood by and did nothing. I’ll admit it. I’ve seen car accidents and just drove by. I’ve also seen people treated unfairly but didn’t say anything because I feared  I would suffer social ostracization.

Forty years after his infamous Stanford Prison Experiment, Zimbardo has taken up the task of finding out what causes individuals to move from cowardly inaction, to heroic action. After analyzing the deeds of heroes both big and small, Zimbardo along with his research partner, Dr. Franco, argue that heroic individuals have a robust heroic imagination.

How to Develop Your Heroic Imagination

According to Zimbardo and Franco, the heroic imagination is “the capacity to imagine facing physically or socially risky situations, to struggle with the hypothetical problems these situations generate, and to consider one’s actions and the consequences.” It’s the ability to see oneself as a hero and capable of heroic action before the need for heroic action arises.

Okay, great. Heroic people can imagine themselves doing heroic things. But are some people born with more or less heroic imagination? If I was born with a weak heroic imagination, am I doomed to a lifetime of wienerdom?

Zimbardo argues that while some individuals may have a natural tendency for heroic behavior, all of us have the capacity to nurture and grow our inner hero. It’s a not a static characteristic. In his article “The Banality of Heroism,” Zimbardo lays out five concrete steps we can all take to develop our heroic imagination and thus be ready to take action when action is required.

Below are the five traits that will strengthen your heroic imagination and propel you into heroic action.

1. Maintain constant vigilance for situations that require heroic action. Every day we have opportunities to take a stand and be heroes. Sure, we probably won’t have to land a plane or fight off a ruffian, but we can be heroes by sticking up for a student being bullied by one’s peers, blowing the whistle on a supervisor who is engaging in shady and unethical business practices, or stopping to help a stranded driver. The more you develop your ability to spot situations to be heroic, the more chances you’ll get to take heroic action.

2. Learn not to fear conflict because you took a stand. When you see a situation that requires action, don’t wussy out because you’re afraid of what other people will say or do. A real man doesn’t give a damn if some people get upset or uncomfortable with doing the right thing. Don’t be afraid to stand by your principles and live with integrity.

3. Imagine alternative future scenarios beyond the present moment. We often fail to act because we’re too short-sighted. We think about the immediate consequences rather than the long-term ones. Sure, you might lose your job because you blew the whistle on unethical practices by your company. But think about the the long-term consequences if you don’t act. How many more people will be hurt if you don’t out your employer? Will you be able to look yourself in the mirror 20 years down the road knowing you didn’t do the right thing because it would have caused a couple of months of financial hardship?

Zimbardo also suggests we not only look to the future, but that we should “keep part of our minds on the past” as well. Study the lives of great men who performed heroic deeds. Studying their noble deeds will instill in us the virtues and values required for a heroic imagination and inspire us to take heroic action when needed.

4. Resist the urge to rationalize and justify inaction. Inaction is easy because it’s so easy to rationalize. The “bystander effect” is a perfect example of this. The bystander effect occurs when an emergency situation occurs in a large group of people and no one takes action to remedy the situation because they rationalize that someone else will take care of it.

Don’t be that person.

Instead of looking for ways to rationalize inaction, train yourself to rationalize action. Instead of thinking, “I won’t do anything because someone else will take care of it,” start thinking “I must take action because no one else will.”

5. Trust that people will appreciate heroic (and frequently unpopular) actions. In point number two, we’re told not to fear the conflict that might arise from doing the right thing. Conversely, we should also develop a confidence that people appreciate and honor heroic action. While your action may be unpopular at first, people eventually come around and appreciate and recognize true heroes.

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Check Out These Related Posts:

• Return of the Tough Guy
• Manvotional: Do You Have Hardihood?
• Boosting Your Resiliency-Part 2: Avoiding Learned Helplessness and Changing Your Explanatory Style
• Lessons in Manliness from It’s a Wonderful Life
• Developing Manly Courage

The other day I was sorting through some old books and stumbled upon a childhood favorite, Hatchet by Gary Paulsen. The last time I read it was nearly 15 years ago, so I decided to read it again for old times sake. For those of you who haven’t read Hatchet, the basic plot is this: A teenage city boy named Brian Robeson crashes in the middle of the Canadian wilderness while flying in a bush plane. The pilot dies, and the boy lives. All alone in the wilderness, Brian must learn how to survive in the wild for 54 days with nothing but a hatchet.

I discovered a few things while re-reading Hatchet. First, the story is just as good and entertaining as it was when I was 12 years old. It’s truly one of the best books for boys. Second, Hatchet is a super quick read. You can finish the book in one sitting if you want. I definitely recommend reading it this weekend. It beats surfing the web mindlessly. Finally, while Hatchet is a work of fiction and wasn’t written as a how-to survival guide, we can learn a lot from Brian Robeson on how to stay alive in the wilderness. Gary Paulsen tested everything he had Brian do himself, to make sure the story was authentic.

As a boy I made mental notes of what Brian did to survive; every boy secretly dreams and wonders about whether he’d be up for such a challenge. I couldn’t help taking away some lessons this time around, too. Here are 10 wilderness survival skills that a man of any age can glean from Hatchet.

Take Inventory of Your Supplies

It kept coming back to that. He had nothing. Well, almost nothing. As a matter of fact, he thought, I don’t know what I’ve got or haven’t got. Maybe I should try and figure out just how I stand.

Everything you have on your person is a potential survival tool. When Brian did his inventory, he had a torn parka, shoes, his trusty hatchet, a $20 bill, a pair of jeans, and a t-shirt. Not much. But with some creativity and ingenuity, he used a shoelace to fashion a bow and arrow and the $20 bill and hatchet to start a fire without matches. Follow Brian’s lead. Take advantage of everything you have.

Get Your Head Right

Brian had once had an English teacher, a guy named Perpich, who was always talking about being positive, thinking positive, staying on top of things… Brian thought of him now- wondered how to stay positive and stay on top of things.

Maintaining a positive attitude is perhaps the hardest and most important wilderness survival skill to develop. Studies have shown that when people adopt a positive attitude “their thinking is more creative, integrative, flexible, and open to information.”  Moreover, positive people tend to bounce back more quickly from physical sickness and injuries than people with negative attitudes. These two traits- creativity and physical resiliency- are essential to survival.

When you’re alone in the wild with little or no provisions it’s easy to slip into depression and feel sorry for yourself. But pity parties won’t get you anywhere as Brian learned after one particularly rough night:

He did not know how long it took, but later he looked back on this time crying in the corner of the dark cave and thought of it as when he learned the most important rule of survival, which was that feeling sorry for yourself didn’t work… When he sat alone in the darkness and cried and was done, all done with it, nothing had changed. His leg still hurt, it was still dark, he was still alone and the self-pity had accomplished nothing.

In a previous article, we discussed the fact that resilient men have an internal locus of control. They’re the masters of their own destiny and tend to handle stress well. Those with an external locus of control curl up into a ball and cry big crocodile tears about how bad they have it. Which man do you think is going to survive when their back’s to the wall?

While you should maintain a positive attitude while lost in the wild, you don’t want to delude yourself into thinking that things are better than they really are. First, you only set yourself up for disappointment when things don’t go your way, and second, maintaining a realistic outlook will keep you from getting complacent. You always need to be planning and working as though you’re in your situation for the long haul.

In short, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Learn to S.T.O.P.

With his mind opened and thoughts happening it all tried to come in with a rush, all of what had occurred and he could not take it. The whole thing turned into a confused jumble that made no sense. So he fought it down and tried to take one thing at a time.

A key to Brian’s survival was that he did something that wilderness survival experts recommend without even knowing he was doing it. He frequently S.T.O.P-ed: Stop, Think, Observe, Plan. Throughout the story we’ll find Brian frantically attempting to complete a task. For example, when he tried to make a fire for the first time, he rushed the whole process and kept coming up empty. Frustrated, he stopped and deliberately thought about what was needed to start a fire. After observing that he didn’t have adequate oxygen or air for combustion, he made a plan to blow on the sparks when they landed in the tinder. And just like that he had fire.

The key to surviving in the wilderness is keeping yourself from panicking. Sometimes the best thing you can do in a survival situation is to do nothing and just think. You’ll save yourself a lot of wasted effort.

Small Mistakes Are Magnified in the Wilderness

Small mistakes could turn into disasters, funny little mistakes could snowball so that while you were still smiling at the humor you could find yourself looking at death. In the city if he made a mistake usually there was a way to rectify it, make it all right. Now it was different…

In the wild, small mistakes can kill.  If you break your leg in suburbia, you’ll just have to prop your foot up on a pillow for a few days and hobble around on crutches. An inconvenience, but you’ll get by. Now, break that leg in the middle of nowhere and you have a world of problems. You won’t be able to walk, which means you won’t be able to hunt. If you can’t hunt, you can’t eat. If you don’t eat, you die. All because of a stupid broken leg.

There were a few moments in the book where Brian made some small mistakes that could have created huge setbacks. Eating and puking the “gut berries,” not adequately protecting his shelter which allowed a porcupine to inject a couple dozen quills into his leg, and getting sprayed in the face by a skunk. Many of these mistakes could have been avoided if he was simply more careful.

Granted, completely avoiding mistakes isn’t possible, but you should limit them as much as you can. Taking the time to S.T.O.P can definitely prevent most blunders. Staying constantly vigilant will help, too.  Be aware of your surroundings. You never know if you’ll end up face to face with an angry mother bear or a raging bull moose.

Carry a Good Tool

Brian took the sack and opened the top. Inside there was a hatchet, the kind with a steel handle and a rubber handgrip. The head was in a stout leather case that had a brass-riveted belt loop.

The hatchet. That tool literally saved young Brian Robeson’s life. With it, he made a fire that offered warmth and protection at night and created spears and arrows he used to hunt for food. If he didn’t have that hatchet, Brian would have been bug food in just a few days. Any cutting tool would come in handy out in the wild. Even a lowly pocket knife. But if I were out in the wild, I would want a quality multi-tool like a Leatherman. I own one and they’ve come in real handy during my outdoor excursions. However, a new multi-tool has recently caught my eye, and I’ve put it on my wish list. The Atax puts Brian’s hatchet to shame. This thing does it all. It’s an ax, a skinner, a hammer, a wrench, a compass, and get this, an arrow launcher. Put this in the hands of a crafty, able-bodied man, and he’ll not only survive the wild, he’ll conquer it.

Know How and Where to Get Clean Water

It was water. But he did not know if he could drink it. Nobody ever told him if you could or could not drink lakes.

People often underestimate the importance of water in a survival situation. Your body can still function with little or no food for weeks, but go without water for a few days and you die. Water isn’t hard to find. It’s everywhere (well, except for deserts). The problem is finding clean water. Lucky for Brian he crashed in the middle of the Canadian wilderness right next to a clear, pristine lake. He could dunk his head right into the water, drink it, and not get sick.

You’ll probably not be as fortunate. Most wilderness survival experts recommend boiling water before drinking it to kill any harmful pathogens. This technique, of course, assumes you have a pot on hand. If you don’t have a pot, several techniques exist to procure drinking water like collecting rain or creating a water still. It’s also possible to create filtering systems with things you have on hand, like a t-shirt.

Make a Safe Shelter

Protect food and have a good shelter. Not just a shelter to keep the wind and rain out, but a shelter to protect, a shelter to make him safe.

After finding water, finding shelter to protect you from the elements should be your next priority. Take advantage of your surroundings when creating a shelter. Rock overhangs make excellent shelters. That’s what Brian used. If you don’t have a rock overhang nearby, you’ll need to use materials like limbs, leaves, and pine boughs to make a shelter. A lean-to is an easy and popular wilderness survival shelter. Other shelter designs exist and each one has their pros and cons.

Find Food

He had learned the most important thing, the truly vital knowledge that drives all creatures in the forest- food is all. Food was simply everything. All things in the woods, from insects to fish to bears, were always, always looking for food- it was the great single driving influence in nature.

Most of the book describes Brian’s attempts to procure food. He spent the bulk of his time scavenging for something to eat. He starts off gorging on a strange berry that makes him puke. After that, he discovers raspberries growing in the wild and adds them to his menu.

But man can not survive on fruit alone. Brian’s body needed protein to give him strength. He found his first dose of protein in the form of raw turtle eggs. They were hard to keep down at first, but he forced himself to drink the nourishing substance. Soon he added fish and birds to his diet. You can prepare to feed yourself in the wild now by becoming familiar with edible plants, berries, and roots. Moreover, learn how to create rudimentary traps to capture small game.

Know How to Start a Fire Without Matches

He swung harder, held the hatchet so it would hit a longer, sliding blow, and the black rock exploded in fire… There could be fire here, he thought. I will have a fire here, he thought, and struck again- I will have fire from the hatchet.

Fire provides warmth, light, protection from animals and insects, and a rescue signal. Fire is also a big morale booster; almost like a companion. That’s what Brian noticed when he created his first fire. “I have a friend, he thought – I have a friend now. A hungry friend, but a good one. I have a friend named fire.”

When you’re in a wilderness survival situation, don’t count on matches. Even if you have them, windy and wet situations will render them virtually useless. Thus, it’s essential that a man know how to start a fire without matches. Brian got his fire going by striking his metal hatchet blade against the quartzite in his shelter. You should try learning several methods so you’re prepared for any situation. In addition to knowing how to start a fire, you should also know how to build a campfire appropriate for your different needs.

Prepare a Signal

While he was working he decided to have the fire ready and if he heard an engine, or even thought he heard a plane, he would run up with a burning limb and set off the signal fire.

In the wild, surviving is your top priority. Your second priority should be to get the hell out of there and back to safety and QuickTrips. Fire works as a great signal. Brian prepared a fire lay that he could light quickly as soon as he heard a plane. A reflection mirror is another great option. While you can purchase a special signal mirror, any shiny, metallic object could work in a pinch. You can also create search signals by using rocks which contrast with the ground’s color to spell out “SOS” or “HELP.” The letters you create should be at least 3 meters tall in order for pilots to see them from the air.

• Getting in Touch with the Wilderness
• How To Build a Roaring Campfire
• Backpacking Basics
• 9 Ways To Start a Fire Without Matches
• Three Essential Campfires: Snack Fire, Cooking Fire, and Comfort Fire

Once again we return to our So You Want My Job series, in which we interview men who are employed in desirable jobs and ask them about the reality of their work and for advice on how men can live their dream.

Today we hear from Nate Dionne, an EMT who works for the busiest EMS system in South Carolina. He gives us a look at the job of our vital first responders.

1. Tell us a little about yourself (Where are you from? How old are you? Where did you go to school? Describe your job and how long you’ve been at it, etc).

I am 21 years old and originally from New Hampshire, although I now live and work in South Carolina. I began as a volunteer EMT-Basic in NH and moved to a busier system for the experience. I have been an EMT for over 3 years now. I now work for the largest and busiest system in South Carolina. In a nutshell, EMT’s treat the sick and wounded. This can range from “Oh my leg’s hurt for 3 weeks and I’m out of pain meds” to heart attacks, to mass casualty incidents where hundreds of people can be involved.

2. Why did you want to become an EMT? When did you know it was what you wanted to do?

I began as a volunteer firefighter, and began volunteering for my town’s ambulance as well. I enjoyed volunteering because I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself, something important, and because I was giving back to my hometown. I liked being both a firefighter and EMT, but soon I began to love EMS. I thought that doing it for free was nice, but getting paid to do it would be even better. I feel fortunate that I found a career I love while I was so young.

3. Is there a hierarchy in your job? Can you move up to different positions and what are those positions?

There are 3 different levels of EMT, Basic, Intermediate and Paramedic. EMT-Basics can take vitals, splint broken bones, bandage wounds, and administer oxygen. At the EMT-Intermediate level, you can do all of that plus start IV’s, administer fluids, and medicine to help diabetics whose blood sugar dropped too low. Some Intermediates are allowed to push certain cardiac medications and defibrillate (shock the heart). EMT-Paramedics do all of that, plus intubate (place a tube in the trachea to secure an airway), push more medications than I can possibly list, use a cardiac monitor to determine a heart rhythm and treat accordingly, and so on. With higher certification levels come more capabilities, and more responsibility.

There is usually room for advancement. There is always a rank structure which mirrors that in any other line of work. Your supervisors may be called a manager or simply supervisor or have a rank. We follow a somewhat military structure; we have 3 sergeants under a lieutenant for each shift.

4. If a man wishes to become an EMT, how should he best prepare? What is the training for EMT’s like? Do you need a degree? Are there special schools or EMT programs within a school?

Usually technical colleges are the places to find paramedic programs, where you can get all of your classes, from EMT-Basic to Paramedic. There are often EMT classes available through local EMS services or agencies. Technical colleges offer an associates degree in Emergency Medical Technology along with your Paramedic certification. Having a degree often means more pay from the start (at my service having a degree gets you an extra 5%, but it varies.) The training ranges from a couple of months (EMT-B and EMT-I) to about 2 years (EMT-B through Paramedic.) I am currently an EMT-I, and when I go back to school for my Paramedic certification, I face another year of classes.

5. Once you obtain the proper training, how do you go about finding a job?

Many services post on job-finding websites. Or look on the website of the service you’re interested in. I found out my service was hiring by word of mouth. But if you look, they’re not hard to find.

6. What’s the job market like for EMT’s? How hard/easy is it to land a job?

I’ll begin by saying there is a shortage of Paramedics in almost every part of the country. With many 911 services, they are looking for Paramedics, so it may be harder to find a job as an EMT-B or I. There are private services all over the country. Private services do non-emergent work, meaning they take elderly or chronically ill patients to doctors appointments, dialysis etc. Some private services have contracts with municipalities or other local governments to run their 911 response as well. Many towns have their own ambulance; sometimes the fire department and EMS are one in the same. Others are called “3rd service,” which is what I work for. We are owned and operated by the county, as opposed to a town or a private service. Jobs are often very competitive, especially with high-profile services. If you’re looking to make lots of money, you’re looking at the wrong profession. Most EMT’s don’t get paid well at all. Paramedics can make decent money, but it depends on where you work and your years of experience. Many EMT’s and Paramedics work two (or more) jobs.

7. What’s the retention rate like for your job? What qualities do EMT’s have that stick with the job and excel at it?

Many EMT’s and Paramedics work for the same systems their whole careers. Others jump around a lot before they settle down. Working in an emergent (911) system is pretty much recession-proof, especially when you work for a municipality or other government-type. You have to be in decent physical shape, as you need to lift patients, carry heavy equipment up flights of stairs or over long distances. To be a successful EMT you need to very dedicated to your profession; medicine is an ever-changing field, and it takes a lot of work to keep up with new equipment and techniques. People call EMS when they are gravely ill or injured, so compassion and understanding are big parts of what we do. You must be able to keep cool under pressure; remember, you are walking towards chaos while everyone else is running away.

8. There are other public service jobs that are somewhat related to your field of work-nurse, firefighter, police officer. What makes a man choose to become an EMT over other options?

Where I’m from, being a firefighter and an EMT or Paramedic are often one and the same. I would like to eventually move home and be a FF/EMT, but I need experience first. In systems where the two are separate, many people choose EMS over police or fire because, quite frankly, we make more money. In most systems, Paramedics make more than police officers or firefighters. Nurses make more money than Paramedics, but many of us stay in EMS because we enjoy being in the field, rather than the hospital. We are the first responders, the first on the scene. We treat and stabilize patients, then deliver them to the ER doctors and nurses.

9. What is the best part of your job?

The satisfaction of helping someone. To be honest, it’s not like TV, where we save a life every day. The calls where you make a difference between life and death are few and far between. But when you do, it is a wonderful feeling. It feels like your whole career is worth that one save.

10. What is the worst part of your job?

The abuse of the system. People call 911 all the time for things that do not require an ambulance. Some are lonely older folks who have no one to check on them, others are drug-seekers looking for pain meds. People sometimes use the ER as their primary means of medical care because they don’t have insurance. It puts pressure on the system, and keeps resources busy when they could be helping somebody who needs it.

11. What’s the work/family/life balance like?

Long, weird hours and low pay can have an impact on your family. I work two jobs, and therefore have an aggravated girlfriend waiting for me to get a day off. If you get into EMS after you’ve already been married, the divorce rate is very high. The key is having a spouse or significant other that understands your love of the job and your commitment to it. If you have a supportive family, you will be able to maintain a harmonious balance between work and home. Also, there is a camaraderie among EMT’s and Paramedics that is rarely found in any other profession. I have made some great friends here that I know I’ll keep for life.

12. What is the biggest misconception people have about your job?

We are not ambulance drivers. We find that term offensive. It implies we have no more training than Drivers Ed. We have trained long and hard to get to where we are. We don’t just get to drive the woo-woo truck really fast.

13. Any other advice, tips, or anecdotes you’d like to share?

In all my rambling on in this article, I may have made this job seem very hard. It is. It can be very hard. But it is also the most rewarding job in the world. I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life. My advice would be to see if you can ride along with your local service before applying to paramedic school. Chances are you know an EMT or Paramedic, or know someone who does. Talk to them about who they are and what they do.

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Image from merfam

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Jim Hodgson.

A quick delve into the history of Ironman is enough to inspire in anyone either awe or craven nerdy-ness. This is due to the fact that perhaps the manliest endurance contest in the world shares a name with a cartoon character. Please note that this guide will not help you become Ironman. That would be ridiculous.

What it intends to do instead is help you become an Ironman. This too is ridiculous, but also possible… if you have the sack for it.

I have left out anything that I was able to learn from training schedules and triathlon forums and included instead what I consider to be the most important and yet obscure things I learned in the process of completing my first full distance Ironman race. This is the stuff that I needed to know at the beginning, but was only able to discover when I was in the thick of it.

Mental Toughness

I was standing in line for the start of my first ever real triathlon, a sprint distance race in August of 2008. My triathlon skinsuit was making a garish and comical display of my gut and love handles as I listened to the other guys in my swim wave talk. They were all talking about Ironman, much in the way that a middle school student makes predictions about post-doctoral study.

“I never want to do it. It’s just too long, those people are crazy” one gentleman said, and there was general agreement.

I remember that I was thinking even then, still thirty minutes away from jumping into the water on my first tiny little sprint distance race, that I was going to go all the way to Ironman.

Seven months later, on the course at my first ever full marathon, I was pretty well cooked around the sixteen or seventeen mile mark, and a guy ran by screaming at the top of his lungs, urging everyone onward.

“Keep going! It’s all mental!” he was shouting. There were some doubtful groans from my fellow marathoners.

“Hmm,” I thought. “Is this buffoon correct? Is it all mental?”

I took a quick stock of my various howling ankle joints and leg muscles, and I considered it. Later, both legs cramping solid with ten miles to go on my Ironman run, in danger of being yanked off the course, I had time to reflect even more upon this question. I have spent a great deal of time considering it since then as well, and here is my opinion.

Is it all mental? No. You must train your body to withstand the distance, absolutely.

Having said that, people’s mental image of themselves becomes very apparent when you train with them. If you run with the same 20 people every Thursday, let’s say, soon you will notice that some people are faster than others. My experience was that the distribution of people is pretty much the same each week. Most people are content to stay at a certain level indefinitely.

Each runner is seemingly thinking to himself, “Well, I am faster than Craig, but that George guy is better than me.” At the end of the run each week they will almost always end up between Craig and George.

You must not fall into this mental trap because it will cause you to stagnate. George may very well be faster than you today, but he’d better be on the track all week if he wants to be faster next week, let alone the week after that.

You must think of yourself before you even begin as an Ironman finisher. This is, in my opinion, the most important thing you can do to help yourself.

So, yes — It is absolutely all mental.

A Word about Training

I advise everyone who is an Ironman hopeful to join a triathlon club. I joined the Peachtree Tri Club and met a lot of great people who are now friends. The club and its members provided invaluable advice and camaraderie as well as clinics and training schedules. It also provided a place for me to swim and some instruction on my swim stroke.

This was important to me because I had the approximate natural swimming ability of an adolescent male bison. Now, at least, I swim more like a trained aquatic bison.

If you live in an area without such a club and intend to train solely on your own, I highly recommend that you consider traveling regularly to be around other people with the same goals as you.

Getting All Triathletic About It… Should I Buy a Carbon Bike?

Triathletes love gadgets. There is a myriad of products designed specifically for triathlon, from bikes to skin lubricants to teardrop shaped helmets to shoes with only one wide velcro strap closure. My advice to you is to steer clear of anything you don’t know for a fact that you need. Otherwise you end up wasting brain energy and financial resources on superfluous knickknackery when the only thing that really matters is your engine.

I never bought a wetsuit, for instance. I rented one for the one race I did that was wetsuit legal. It cost $50 to rent. I wore it during my race and sent it back. Simple as that. There are similar services for bike wheels that are a bargain in my opinion.

Beginners ask me sometimes if I think it’s dorky to do their first triathlon on a mountain bike. I think it’s far dorkier to be slow on a super expensive carbon bike and carbon wheels. You will see a lot of people being slow on very expensive bikes. Laugh inwardly at them, because you know that this is a mental game, not a fashion show.

Having said that, I am a free market capitalist at heart. If you want to buy a nice bike, then by all means do something to help the economy and drop that coin. Just know going in that you are buying a thing because you want the thing. Don’t justify it as something you need to finish.

To quote Ronnie Coleman, arguably the greatest bodybuilder who ever lived, “Everybody wanna be a bodybuilder; don’t nobody wanna lift this heavy-ass weight.”

Wrap it up, B!

I used to weigh 320lbs. I used to smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I have lost over 100lbs and given up smoking and regular drinking. I went from no triathlon experience whatsoever through all the popular distances there are in just over a year, from sprint to Ironman, and I am by no means a thin or svelte man even today. I am proud of myself, but my accomplishments are but a wisp of smoke compared to the sea of people who have overcome a dizzying array of illnesses, amputations and sensory deprivation to complete Ironman races.

When I’m trying to put in my mileage and its raining and I am wet and cold I think about how lucky I am to be alive. I think about my mother’s passing due to cancer and how I want her to be remembered by someone who is worth being remembered by. I think about my little niece and the example a man should set for a child. Sometimes I think about girls who have broken my heart.

Ultimately, the physical effort of endurance racing and the mental toughness it requires has embodied for me the single most elusive and important thing that a man needs, in my estimation — a challenge.

No matter how fast I am today, there are always more miles to ride. I can always go harder and be better. There are always people whose mental game I can learn from.

And that, as far as I know, is happiness.

For more adventures and gripping philosophy, you can find Jim practicing the manly art of writing every weekday on his own blog. Check out his story of completing his first Ironman and subscribe by RSS feed or email!

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While writing our first book, The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man, we decided to throw a few old-time 19th century slang words into the text just for fun. While scouring old dictionaries for some words that would fit in the book, we came across many others that were beyond awesome but didn’t make the cut. Here’s a glossary of our favorite manly slang that was tossed about on the streets and saloons back in the day. These colorful words and phrases probably won’t ever come back into popular parlance, but they’re a real hoot to read through.

The Art of Manliness Dictionary of Manly 19th Century Vernacular

Admiral of the Red: A person whose very red face evinces a fondness for strong potations.

All-overish: Neither sick nor well; the premonitory symptoms of illness. Also the feeling which comes over a man at a critical moment, say just when he is about to “pop the question.” Sometimes this is called, “feeling all-over alike, and touching nowhere.”

Anointing: A good beating. A case for the application of salve.

Barking-Iron, or Barker: A pistol. Term used by footpads and thieves generally.

Bellows: The lungs. Bellowser, a blow in the ” wind,” or pit of the stomach, taking one’s breath away.

Bellows to Mend: A person out of breath; especially a pugilist is said to be “bellows to mend” when winded.

Blind Monkeys: An imaginary collection at the Zoological Gardens, which are supposed to receive care and attention from persons fitted by nature for such office and for little else. An idle and useless person is often told that he is only fit to lead the Blind Monkeys to evacuate. Another form this elegant conversation takes, is for one man to tell another that he knows of a suitable situation for him. “How much a week? and what to do?” are natural questions, and then comes the scathing and sarcastic reply, “Five bob a week at the doctor’s— you’re to stand behind the door and make the patients sick. They won’t want no physic when they sees your mug.”

Blinker: A blackened eye. Also a hard blow in the eye.

Bone Box. The mouth. Shut your bone box; shut your mouth.

Bully Trap. A brave man with a mild or effeminate appearance, by whom the bullies are frequently taken in.

Bunch Of Fives. The fist. Pugilistic.

Cat-heads. A woman’s breasts. Sea phrase.

Cold Coffee. Misfortune ; sometimes varied to COLD Gruel. An unpleasant return for a proffered kindness is sometimes called COLD Coffee.—Sea.

Colt’s Tooth. Elderly persons of juvenile tastes are said to have a Colt’s Tooth, i.e., a desire to shed their teeth once more, to live life over again.

Crab. To prevent the perfection or execution of any intended matter of business, by saying any thing offensive or unpleasant, is called crabbing it, or throwing a crab; to crab a person, is to use such offensive language or behaviour as will highly displease, or put him in an ill humour.

Cupboard Love. Pretended love to the cook, or any other person, for the sake of a meal. My guts cry cupboard; i.e. I am hungry.

Cut. To renounce acquaintance with any one is to cut him. There are several species of the CUT. Such as the cut direct, the cut indirect, the cut sublime, the cut infernal, etc. The cut direct is to start across the street, at the approach of the obnoxious person, in order to avoid him. The cut indirect is to look another way, and pass without appearing to observe him. The cut sublime is to admire the top of King’s College Chapel, or the beauty of the passing clouds, till he is cut of sight. The cut infernal is to analyze the arrangement of your shoe-strings, for the same purpose.

Dash-fire. Vigor, manliness.

Draw the Long Bow. To tell extravagant stories, to exaggerate overmuch; same as “throw the hatchet.” From the extremely wonderful stories which used to be told of the Norman archers, and more subsequently of Indians’ skill with the tomahawk.

Drumsticks. Legs. Drumstick cases-pants

Earth Bath. A grave.

Eternity Box. A coffin.

Fart Catcher. A valet or footman, from his walking behind his master or mistress.

Firing A Gun. Introducing a story by head and shoulders. A man, wanting to tell a particular story, said to the company, “Hark; did you not hear a gun?—but now we are talking of a gun, I will tell you the story of one.”

Fimble-Famble. A lame, prevaricating excuse.

Fizzing. First-rate, very good, excellent; synonymous with “stunning.”

Flag of Distress. Any overt sign of poverty; the end of a person’s shirt when it protrudes through his trousers.

Floorer. A blow sufficiently strong to knock a man down, or bring him to the floor. Often used in reference to sudden and unpleasant news.

Flying Mess. “To be in Flying Mess ” is a soldier’s phrase for being hungry and having to mess where he can.

Follow-me-lads. Curls hanging over a lady’s shoulder.

Gentleman of Four Outs. When a vulgar, blustering fellow asserts that he is a gentleman, the retort generally is, ” Yes, a Gentleman Of Four Outs”—that is, without wit, without money, without credit, and without manners.

Go By The Ground. A little short person, man or woman.

Gullyfluff. The waste—coagulated dust, crumbs, and hair—which accumulates imperceptibly in the pockets of schoolboys.

Gunpowder. An old woman.

Half-mourning. To have a black eye from a blow. As distinguished from ” whole-mourning,” two black eyes.

Heavy Wet. Malt liquor—because the more a man drinks of it, the heavier and more stupid he becomes.

Hobbadehoy. A youth who has ceased to regard himself as a boy, and is not yet regarded as a man.

Hogmagundy. The process by which the population is increased.

Holy Water. He loves him as the Devil likes holy water; i.e. hates him mortally.

Honor Bright. An asseveration which means literally, “by my honour, which is bright and unsullied.” It is often still further curtailed to “honor!” only.

How’s Your Poor Feet! An idiotic street cry with no meaning, much in vogue a few years back.

Hugger-mugger. Underhand, sneaking. Also, “in a state of Hugger- Mugger” means to be muddled.

Job’s Turkey. “As poor as Job’s Turkey,” as thin and as badly fed as that ill-conditioned and imaginary bird.

Keep a Pig. An Oxford University phrase, which means to have a lodger. A man whose rooms contain two bedchambers has sometimes, when his college is full, to allow the use of one of them to a Freshman, who is called under these circumstances a PIG. The original occupier is then said to Keep A Pig.

Ladder. “Can’t see a hole in a Ladder,” said of any one who is intoxicated. It was once said that a man was never properly drunk until he could not lie down without holding, could not see a hole through a Ladder, or went to the pump to light his pipe.

Lay down the knife and fork. To die. Compare Pegging-out, Hopping The Twig, and similar flippancies.

Monkey with a Long Tail. A mortgage.

Month of Sundays. An indefinite period, a long time.

Muckender. A pocket handkerchief, snottinger.

Nose-ender. A straight blow delivered full on the nasal promontory.

Nose in the Manger. To put one’s nose in the manger, to sit down to eat. To “put on the nose-bag” is to eat hurriedly, or to eat while continuing at work.

O’clock. “Like One O’clock,” a favorite comparison with the lower orders, implying briskness; otherwise “like winkin’.” “To know what’s O’clock” is to be wide-awake, sharp, and experienced.

Off One’s Chump. To be crazy is to be Off One’s Chump ; this is varied by the word CHUMPY. A mild kind of lunatic is also said to be “off his head,” which means of course exactly the same as the first phrase.

Off the Horn. A term used in reference to very hard steak, which is fancifully said to be Off The Horn.

Out of Print. Slang made use of by booksellers. In speaking of any person that is dead, they observe, ‘”he is out of print.”

Perpendicular. A lunch taken standing-up at a tavern bar. It is usual to call it lunch, often as the Perpendicular may take the place of dinner.

Pocket. To put up with. A man who does not resent an affront is said to Pocket it.

Pot-hunter. A man who gives his time up to rowing or punting, or any sort of match in order to win the “pewters” which are given as prizes. The term is now much used in aquatic and athletic circles; and is applied, in a derogatory sense, to men of good quality who enter themselves in small races they are almost sure to win, and thus deprive the juniors of small trophies which should be above the attention of champions, though valuable to beginners. Also an unwelcome guest, who manages to be just in time for dinner.

Rain Napper. Umbrella.

Rib. A wife.

Rumbumptious. Haughty, pugilistic.

Rusty Guts. A blunt, rough, old fellow

Saucebox. A pert young person, in low life also signifies the mouth.

Saw Your Timber. “Be off!” equivalent to “cut your stick.” Occasionally varied, with mock refinement, to “amputate your mahogany.”

Scandal-water. Tea; from old maids’ tea-parties being generally a focus for scandal.

Shake the Elbow. To shake the elbow, a roundabout expression for dice-playing. To “crook the Elbow” is an Americanism for ” to drink.”

Sit-upons. Trousers.

Smeller. The nose; “a blow on the Smeller” is often to be found in pugilistic records.

Sneeze-lurker. A thief who throws snuff in a person’s face, and then robs him.

Sneezer. A pocket handkerchief.

Snooze-case. Pillow case.

Snotter, or Wipe-hauler. A pickpocket whose chief fancy is for gentlemen’s pocket-handkerchiefs.

Sober-water. A jocular allusion to the uses of soda-water.

Tail Down. “To get the Tail Down,” generally means to lose courage. When a professional at any game loses heart in a match he is said to get his Tail Down. ” His Tail was quite DOWN, and it was all over.” The origin is obvious.

Tune the Old Cow Died of. An epithet for any ill-played or discordant piece of music.

Sources:

Grose’s Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, 1823.

The Slang Dictionary, 1874.

Slang and Its Analogues Past and Present.

Dictionary of Americanisms, 1877.

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The acrimonious late-night showdown between Jay Leno and Conan was surely about a lot of things. Money, ratings, television. But it was also about a man who couldn’t get over his glory days. Who decided to step down, but then missed his old life and was desperate to return to it.

It’s happened before to high-profile men-Brett Favre tearfully said goodbye to football and then hello and then goodbye and then hello again.

Sometimes trying to get back to your glory days actually works. Mr. Favre had a great season this year. But typically it ends up hurting the piner and those left in his wake (sorry, Coco).

While most of us will never play professional football or host a late-night talk show, we all can struggle from time to time with wanting to return to our “glory days” and missing some bygone period in our lives. This can hit in middle-age and inspire a man to buy a sports car and ditch his wife for a young babe. But it can also happen at the end of your twenties when you’re trying to adjust to the working life and missing your college years.

It’s hard not to think back to high school and college with real fondness. It was indeed a glorious time. No real responsibilities besides studying and working at a pizza place. Sleeping in, playing sports, driving around with your friends, and hanging out at parties. You felt profoundly free. The world was your oyster, and the possibilities for your life seemed endless. What were you going to make of your life? Who would you be spending it with? What were you going to do when you “grew up?”

These days you have a pretty good idea of the answers to those question. You’re married to Susan, have a job as a financial planner, and live in Dallas. Life is good, but sometimes you think back to the student life and would give anything to get back there. You wax nostalgic until you’re in a deep funk and sit on your porch sipping on a brewski and reminiscing about the good old days. Pretty soon you’re surfing the internet for a time machine.

“Ohhhh, man I wish I could go back in time. I’d take state.”

A little nostalgia for another time period in history can be a positive thing, but too much nostalgia for another time in your life can rob you of satisfaction and happiness in this one. How do you get over your glory days and fully embrace the life you currently lead?

Create new firsts. When people over the age of 35 are asked to recall the most vivid or most important events of their life, they disproportionately remember things that happened between ages 15 and 25. This association is natural-it’s the time of our lives when we’re making big decisions about our identities and the direction our lives are going to take.

It’s also a time where we experience a myraid of “firsts.” First kiss, first date, first time away from home, first time outside the country, first sex, first love, first college class and so on. Any kind of first is an exciting, heady experience. Firsts make you feel alive.

If you’re feeling stuck in your life and longing for the past, maybe it’s time to experience some new firsts. Certainly, a lot of the big ones have already been notched, but there are always new things to go after. First trip to Asia, first time surfing, first marathon, first time riding a motorcycle, first painting class. Keep filling your life with new, soul-expanding adventures.

Focus on a new goal. Sometimes our funk is not so much for lost youth, but simply the let down we experience after we achieve one of our major life goals. Psychologists have shown that we actually get more pleasure and satisfaction on the journey to a goal than we do when we finally attain it. We’re happy for a bit, and then we think, “Okay, what now?” Olympic athletes and astronauts often struggle with depression after they win a medal or make it to space. After you’ve reached such a pinnacle in your life, what can you possibly do for your next act?

The obvious answer of course is to create a new goal. Without goals your life will lack direction and purpose. The goal doesn’t have to be as grandiose as the one you’ve already attained, it just has to be something that will keep you busy and give you something to focus your life around.

Let go of false scenarios. Oftentimes when we pine for the good old days of our life, we find ourselves somewhat unconsciously dreaming of a false scenario. We want to get the freedom of our youth back. But if we were asked to give up our wife and kids we wouldn’t have any desire to do so. What we really want is to have that freedom back and keep our families. But of course that’s not possible.

Everything in life involves trade-offs. The single life is great, but there are definitely times when you’re lonely and sitting at home wishing you had somebody, and times where you’re sick of playing games with women and just want to find the one. You can’t get rid of those negatives without being in a committed relationship.

Acknowledge trade-offs, be grateful for the benefits of what you have, and don’t torture yourself with impossible scenarios.

Move on and out. In high school I did pretty well for myself. I was a football player, student council president, homecoming king, and voted Mr. Edmond North High School. I was never cocky and never ran with the popular kids, but when I graduated I thought I was a pretty cool guy.

Then I spent two years working in Tijuana, Mexico as a missionary. Nobody knew what a homecoming king was or what the Mr. ENHS title was, and they didn’t give a crap about any of it. I didn’t know a single soul, and they didn’t know me from Steve. My high school exploits quickly seemed totally unimportant, and I was humbled in a hurry.

If you’re still living in the town you grew up in or the town you went to college in, and you still think a lot about the past, it may be time to start a new life for yourself somewhere else, somewhere where you don’t keep running into people who still remember you from way back when and want to spend their time reminiscing about the good old days.

Recapture the salient qualities of the time that you miss. It’s impossible to recreate the past. You’re never going to play varsity baseball again, and hold hands with your crush at the movies, and hear your name called as prom king.

But while you can’t recapture these experiences whole hog, you can work on adding the most salient qualities about what you used to love back into your life. Even though it will never be the same, that doesn’t mean you should give up on trying to recapture some of the elements that used to lend some magic to your life.

If you miss playing high school sports, a lot of what you’re missing is the feeling of competition among men. Join a intramural team for adults in your town.

If you’re missing the camaraderie you used to feel with your frat brothers, a big part of what you’re missing is having strong male friendships. Join a lodge of Freemasons.

If you’re missing the warm fuzzies you used to get when dating, start romancing your wife with novel dates. Studies have shown that going on unique and interesting dates with your spouse can bring back the old butterflies you used to feel for each other.

Embrace different kinds of satisfaction. Being young is definitely awesome. The freedom and fun will be forever unmatched. But the key to growing up is being able to embrace new kinds of satisfactions in your life. Having a lot of freedom is certainly one of the pleasures in life, but it’s not the only one.

There is incredible satisfaction in becoming a husband and a father. In molding and shaping your children. There is satisfaction in becoming a mentor to young men. In finding success in your career. In making an impact on the world. In being in control of your life. In being wiser. There is pleasure in the passion of new love, but there is pleasure in long-term companionate love as well.

When all you think about is what you miss about your former life, you can miss out on the joy to be found  in your current one.

Embrace the idea of “seasons” in life. Some people prefer life in places like California, places that are always fairly temperate but lack distinct seasons. But I’ve always been a seasons guy. I like watching the world change around me, seeing how different the very same place can look in each season, and enjoying the distinct activities and weather each season brings. Each season, although different, has its own charm.

For example in Vermont, summer is a glorious time. The days are warm but not scorching, and the nights are cool. You can spend your time wandering through the woods, eating maple cremees, and floating down picturesque rivers.

Of course, the winter is another story. Cold, dark and snowy, it keeps the state from being overrun with new residents who fall in love with the area in the summer and fall. Winter season stretches on for half the year and many people, even those who’ve been there their whole lives find it depressing. The winter really brings them down; all they can think about is the coming spring.

My uncle-in-law has lived in Vermont for decades, and I asked him how he stands the winters. He said they used to bother him, but he started getting right out into it-snowshoeing and skiing every day-and now the winters don’t faze him at all. I talked to another Vermonter who said that winter was her favorite season, because she loved to ski more than anything.

So where am I going with this? Well our life is broken into seasons. Spring, then summer, then fall, then a long winter. During the winter of our lives things are certainly not as carefree as they once were, but we can find the things about this period of our journey that are unique and fully embrace them.

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Editor’s note: This post was co-written by Chris Hutcheson and Brett McKay.

In our modern age, solving a problem by asking a dude to step outside is generally considered an immature, low class thing to do.

But for many centuries, challenging another man to a duel was not only considered a pinnacle of honor, but was a practice reserved for the upper-classes, those deemed by society to be true gentlemen.

“A man may shoot the man who invades his character, as he may shoot him who attempts to break into his house.” -Samuel Johnson

While dueling may seem barbaric to modern men, it was a ritual that made sense in a society in which the preservation of male honor was absolutely paramount. A man’s honor was the most central aspect of his identity, and thus its reputation had to be kept unvarnished by any means necessary. Duels, which were sometimes attended by hundreds of people, were a way for men to publicly prove their courage and manliness. In such a society, the courts could offer a gentleman no real justice; the matter had to be resolved with the shedding of blood.

How did this violent way to prove one’s manhood evolve? Let’s take a look at the history of the affair of honor and the code duello which governed it.

Origins in Single Combat

In the ancient tradition of single combat, each side would send out their “champion” as the representative of their respective armies, and the two men would fight to the death. This contest would sometimes settle the matter, or would serve only as a prelude to the ensuing battle, a sign to which side the gods favored. Prominent single combat battles have made their way into the records of history and legend, such as the battle between David and Goliath in the Valley of Elah and Achilles’ clashes with both Ajax and Hector in Homer’s Iliad. As warfare evolved, single combat became increasingly less prevalent, but the ethos of the contest would lend inspiration to the gentlemen’s duel.

Dueling in Europe

“A coward, a man incapable either of defending or of revenging himself, wants one of the most essential parts of the character of a man.” Adam Smith, The Wealth of Nations

Dueling began in ancient Europe as “trial by combat,” a form of “justice” in which two disputants battled it out; whoever lost was assumed to be the guilty party. In the Middle Ages, these contests left the judicial sphere and became spectator sports with chivalrous knights squaring off in tournaments for bragging rights and honor.

But dueling really became mainstream when two monarchs got into the act. When the treaty between France and Spain broke down in 1526, Frances I challenged Charles V to a duel. After a lot of back and forth arguing about the arrangements of the duel, their determination to go toe to toe dissipated. But the kings did succeed in making dueling all the rage across Europe. It was especially popular in France; 10,000 Frenchmen are thought to have died during a ten year period under Henry IV. The king issued an edict against the practice, and asked the nobles to submit their grievances to a tribunal of honor for redress instead. But dueling still continued, with 4,000 nobles losing their lives to the practice during the reign of Louis XIV.

Dueling in America

“Certainly dueling is bad, and has been put down, but not quite so bad as its substitute — revolvers, bowie knives, blackguarding, and street assassinations under the pretext of self-defense.” -Colonel Benton

Dueling came to American shores right along with her first settlers. The first American duel took place in 1621 at Plymouth Rock.

Dueling enjoyed far more importance and prevalence in the South than the North. Antebellum society placed the highest premium on class and honor, and the duel was a way for gentlemen to prove both.

The majority of Southern duels were fought by lawyers and politicians. The law profession was (as it is now) completely saturated, and the competition for positions and cases was acute. In this dog-eat-dog society, jostling for position and maintaining an honorable reputation meant everything. Every perceived slight or insult had to be answered swiftly and strongly to save face and one’s position on the ladder to respect and success.

And while we tend to paint modern politics as uncivil and romanticize the past, politicians of the day slung bullets in addition to mud. Legislators, judges, and governors settled their differences with the duel, and candidates for office debated their issues on the “field of honor.” Political showmanship of the day involved timing a duel for right before an election and splashing the results in the papers.

Dueling and Violence

“The views of the Earl are those of a Christian, but unless some mode is adopted to frown down by society the slanderer, who is worse than a murderer, all attempts to put down dueling will be in vain.” -Andrew Jackson

Despite putting on a courageous front, no gentleman relished having to fight a duel and risk both killing and being killed (well, perhaps with the exception of Andrew “I fought at least 14 duels” Jackson). Thus duels were often not intended to be fights to the death, but to first blood. A duel fought with swords might end after one man simply scratched the arm of the other. In pistol duels, it was often the case that a single volley was fired, and assuming both men had survived unscathed, satisfaction was deemed to be achieved through their mutual willingness to risk death. Men sometimes aimed for their opponent’s leg or even deliberately missed, desiring only to satisfy the demands of honor. Only about 20% of duels ended in a fatality.

Duels founded on greater insults to a man’s honor, however, were often designated to go well beyond first blood. Some were carried out under the understanding that satisfaction was not gained until one man was incapacitated, while the gravest insults required a mortal blow.

To us, duels seem like a pointlessly barbaric way to settle disputes; going into a duel the odds were nearly 100% that one man or both would be wounded or killed. And, adding insult to injury, it could very well be the innocent party who was slain.

Even at the time, there were many critics that argued that dueling was unnecessarily violent and contrary to morality, religion, common sense, and indeed, antithetical to the very concept of honor itself. But there were also those who argued that dueling actually prevented violence.

The idea was that single combat warriors averted endless bloody feuds between groups and families ala the Hatfields and McCoys. The duels nipped these potential feuds in the bud as insults were given immediate redress, with satisfaction given to both parties.

The practice was also thought to increase civility throughout society. To avoid being challenged to the duel, gentlemen were careful not to insult or slight others. The courtly, formal manners this time period is famous for-the stately dress, the bowing, toasting, and flowery language-were designed to convey honorable intentions and avoid giving offense. Jealousies and resentments had to be repressed and covered with politeness.

In the 1836 manual, The Art of Duelling, the author summarizes the pro-dueling perspective of the time with comments that seem remarkable to the modern ear:

“The practice is severely censured by all religious and thinking people; yet it has very justly been remarked, that ‘the great gentleness and complacency of modern manners, and those respectful attentions of one man to another, that at present render the social discourses of life far more agreeable and decent, than among the most civilized nations of antiquity; must be ascribed, in some degree to this absurd custom.’ It is certainly both awful and distressing to see a young person cut off suddenly in a duel, particularly if he be the father of a family; but the loss of a few lives is a mere trifle, when compared with the benefits resulting to Society at large.

I should consider it very unwise in the members of government, to adopt any measures that would enforce the prohibition of duelling…the man who falls in a duel, and the individual who is killed by the overturn of a stage-coach, are both unfortunate victims to a practice from which we derive great advantage. It would be absurd to prohibit stage-travelling-because, occasionally, a few lives are lost by an overturn.”

Dueling Necessities

The components of the gentleman’s duel were often quite varied. The challenged party was usually given the choice of weapons, and the possibilities were endless. Duels have been fought with everything from sabers to billiard balls. A duel was once even fought over the skies of Paris, with the participants utilizing blunderbusses in an attempt to rupture each other’s hot air balloons. One succeeded, sending the opposing man and his comrade plummeting to their death, while the winner floated triumphantly away.

Swords were the weapon of choice until the 18^th century, when the transition to pistols made dueling more democratic (fencing took skill-a man might challenge another to a duel, spend a year learning swordsmanship, and then return to fight the duel. But nearly anyone could pull a trigger). As the practice of using guns grew in prominence, arms makers began to create sets of pistols specifically built for dueling. The idea behind this practice was simple. If two men were going to engage in a duel, their “equipment” needed to be as similar as possible so as not to give one man an unfair advantage over the other. Thus, by the latter 18th century, sets of dueling pistols were being produced by fine arms makers throughout Europe. Dueling pistols were often smooth bored pistols, and usually fired quite large rounds. Calibers of .45, .50, or even .65 (caliber = inches of diameter) were in common usage. The pistols were made to exact specifications and were tested to ensure that they were as equal in performance and appearance as possible. A man’s dueling pistols were a prized possession, an heirloom passed down from father to son.

Code Duello: The Dueling Code

“A duel was indeed considered a necessary part of a young man’s education…When men had a glowing ambition to excel in all manner of feats and exercises they naturally conceived that manslaughter, in an honest way (that is, not knowing which would be slaughtered), was the most chivalrous and gentlemanly of all their accomplishments. No young fellow could finish his education till he had exchanged shots with some of his acquaintances. The first two qualifications always asked as to a young man’s respectability and qualifications, particularly when he proposed for a lady wife, were ‘What family is he of? And ‘Did he ever blaze?” -19^th century Irish duelist

Dueling code evolved over the centuries as weapons and notions of honor changed. Proper dueling protocol in the 17th and 18th centuries was recorded in such works as The Dueling Handbook by Joseph Hamilton and The Code of Honor by John Lyde Wilson. While the dueling code varied by time period and country, many aspects of the code were similar.

Despite our romanticized notion of duels as being fought only over the most grievous of disputes, duels could often arise from matters most trivial-telling another man he smelled like a goat or spilling ink on a chap’s new vest. But they were not spontaneous affairs in which an insult was given and the parties marched immediately outside to do battle (in fact, striking another gentleman made you a social pariah). A duel had to be conducted calmly and coolly to be dignified, and the preliminaries could take weeks or months; a letter requesting an apology would be sent, more letters would be exchanged, and if peaceful resolution could not be reached, plans for the duel would commence.

The first rule of dueling was that a challenge to duel between two gentleman could not generally be refused without the loss of face and honor. If a gentleman invited a man to duel and he refused, he might place a notice in the paper denouncing the man as a poltroon for refusing to give satisfaction in the dispute.

But one could honorably refuse a duel if challenged by a man he did not consider a true gentleman. This rejection was the ultimate insult to the challenger.

The most common characteristic of a duel between gentlemen was the presence of a “second” for both parties. The seconds were gentlemen chosen by the principal participants whose job it was to ensure that the duel was carried out under honorable conditions, on a proper field of honor and with equally deadly weapons. More importantly, it was the seconds (usually good friends of the participating parties) who sought a peaceful resolution to the matter at hand in hopes of preventing bloodshed.

Once the challenge to duel was given, several issues had to be settled before the matter could be resolved. The challenger would first allow his foe the choice of weapons and conditions of the combat, and a time would be set for the event. Seconds were responsible for locating a proper dueling ground, usually a remote area away from witnesses and law enforcement, since dueling remained technically illegal in most states, though rarely prosecuted. Duels were sometimes even fought on sandbars in rivers where the legal jurisdiction of the time was hazy at best.

Honor was not only given for showing up for the duel-proper coolness and courage under fire was also required to uphold one’s reputation. A gentleman was not to show his fear. If he stepped off the mark, his opponent’s second had the right to shoot him on the spot.

The End of the Dueling Age

Many modern men mistakenly believe that dueling was a rare occurrence in history; a last resort only appealed to in the case of serious matters or by two overly hot-headed men. In fact, from America to Italy, tens of thousands of duels took place and the practice was quite common among the upper classes.

But dueling’s popularity eventually waned at the end of the 19^th century, lingering longer in Europe than America. Stricter anti-dueling laws were passed, and sometimes even enforced.

The bloodshed of the Civil War on this continent, and the Great War on the other, also dampened enthusiasm for the duel. Despite our modern romanticism for dueling, it was a practice that hewed down young men in the prime of their life. Having lost millions of their promising youth in battle, felling those who remained became distasteful.

Additionally, Southern society was vastly transformed in the aftermath of the Civil War. The aristocracy was shattered; busy with Reconstruction and rebuilding, there was less time and inclination to duel. A man’s prestige and position in society became less about his family, reputation, and most of all, honor, than it did about cash. Disputes were taken not to the field of honor but to the courts, with vindication given by “pale dry money instead of wet red blood.”

Stay tuned for Part Two of the Dueling Series: Man Knowledge: Famous Duels in American History.

Sources and Further Reading

Gentlemen’s Blood by Barbara Holland. An absolutely delightful book. Covers a serious topic in a strangely breezy and humorous way that really works and is full of truly interesting stories and insights. (The last quote is from this book)

The Art of Duelling by The Traveller. A readable contemporary manual on the ins and outs of dueling. Reading up the author’s tips and advice for those going into a duel gives an interesting window to the time.

Code Duello: The Rules of Dueling. Take a look at the very specific rules which governed the duel.



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A pair of well-made shoes are expensive; they become much more expensive, however, when you have to retire them early because you did not care for them properly.  I recently learned this hard way when the leather on my favorite pair of Chelsea boots cracked.  Although I had waterproofed them according to my “Texas” standards (weekly polish, twice a year waterproofing compound application), I learned rather painfully that this was woefully inadequate for a Wisconsin winter (think daily polish, weekly waterproofing or better yet wearing galoshes).  Accidentally leaving them near my bedroom’s radiator didn’t help the situation either.  In an effort to prevent my misfortune from becoming yours, I offer you this article on how to prevent rain, snow, and salt from damaging your shoes.

Water Damaged Leather Shoes

I’d like to thank Paul Herwaldt for his help on this article – he’s a 3^rd generation cobbler who owns Shoe Repair Plus in Green Bay, WI.  FYI, he performs shoe repair via mail at a fair price – highly recommended for those of you who do not have access to a local cobbler.

Why Care About Weatherproofing Your Footwear?

Water & Salt Damage is Expensive – Water can and will destroy the suppleness of your shoe’s leather; leather that would have withstood tens of thousands of flexes can have its life cut to a fraction of this.  Leather is animal skin, most often cattle or horse, which is made up of fat and proteins that retain a set amount of moisture after being tanned.  The fibers that criss-cross each other in the corium give leather its unique strength, but are also susceptible to drying out and cracking if not treated with care.  You must minimize rapid influxes and releases of moisture and exposure to alkalines or acids, both of which can permanently damage the leather.

Salt Stained Shoe

In addition, salt and other harsh chemicals can stain leather.  They are difficult to remove once they permeate the leather itself, and if left untreated will not only discolor but weaken the top layers and can damage the finish.  A simple layer of waxy polish between the leather and these harmful elements could be the difference between a one minute cleaning versus a costly trip to the cobbler.  Need to remove a salt stain?  Visit the New York Shoe expert Leffot and their article on salt stain removal.

Comfort –Wet feet are uncomfortable and most of us do not have the option of taking our shoes off and walking around in socks at work.  Nothing can ruin a Monday morning presentation like cold wet feet and squeaking shoes.  Why let something you can control become a distraction?

How to Make Your Shoes Water Resistant

Notice that I didn’t say waterproof.  No amount of polish or “waterproofing” spray is going to keep out water if you are continuously subjecting your footwear to the elements.  However, performing these steps are important as that they do provide short-term protection.  Even the man who owns galoshes does not always have the luxury of having them handy when the weather takes a turn for the worse.

1. Select a Waterproofing Compound

There is a lot of debate on the subject of which waterproofing compound is best – not only are the brands fighting it out (as expected) but many shoe aficionado’s have their take as to which method and technique works the best. So please add your tips and suggestions in the comments!

Meltonian Boot and Shoe Polish

Wax-based polishes – Unlike shoe pastes and creams, which are designed more to nourish the leather, wax based polishes are made to create a shine and by doing so create a thin protective layer than can provide light resistance to water and salt.  Manufacturers such as Lincoln make a good product, along with Meltonian who also provides their polish in a wide range of colors.  The key to this type of protection is consistent application after every few wears, or every wear if the weather is particularly wet.

Specialty waterproof compounds – Obenauf’s Heavy Duty Leather Preservative and Sno-Seal Weather Protectant are just two examples of waterproofing compounds whose main purpose is protection – they do a solid job when applied properly and have a longer sticking period than polishes.  Unlike the above mentioned compounds, these protectants are not meant to create a shine but rather to seal out moisture; as such they may need to be used in conjunction with a polish once the seal has been set.

Spray on waterproofing compounds – Of all the waterproofing techniques, this one receives the most amount of flack.  Common arguments are that it doesn’t allow the leather to breath and that if the compound contains silicone it will dry out the leather.  My stance is if ease of use is your concern, then it’s much better to use a spray on waterproofing than nothing at all.  Companies such as Meltonian make a water & stain protector that in my experience is safe to use on leather and suede and will be dry and ready to use in 30 minutes.  These waterproofing sprays should be used liberally, as I learned they lose their effectiveness after only a few wears.  They are not meant to penetrate the leather, but rather form a protective coat on top of it.

2. Test & Prepare for Waterproofing

This next step is especially important for any shoe that is not black – you need to ensure the compound you have chosen does not change the appearance of the shoe.  Do not assume that because the waterproofing compound manufacturer claims that it will not affect color that it won’t – you do not want to be the exception to the rule.  Choose a discreet part of your shoe, such as the side of the shoe’s tongue under the laces, and apply a small amount to see how it reacts.  After you are more confident, move to an area like the inner back of the shoe and test again.  After a few hours you should be ready to move forward.  If you haven’t already, remove the laces and thoroughly clean the shoe with a brush and rag to remove dirt.

Applying the Protectant

3. Apply the Water Resistant Compound Evenly and Ensure a Barrier Is Formed

The only difference in a waterproof compound application vs. a shining compound application is the attention you should pay to forming an unbroken seal.  When shining your shoes you can spot shine on occasion – when waterproofing you need to ensure a water tight barrier is formed or the whole process is for naught.

For a refresher on how to apply polish to your shoes visit this older AOM article on how to Shine Your Shoes like a Soldier or for a video check out Tim Broderick’s How to Shine and Condition Your Shoes.

Choose the Right Footwear

Beater Shoes – One option I hear often suggested in dealing with adverse weather is to wear shoes that you do not care about.  The problem here is that this doesn’t deal with the situation of when you need to look professional and the weather outside is cold and wet.  I personally would rather have the right equipment than have a pair of shoes whose sole purpose is to be ruined in bad weather.   

ECCO Berlin GTX

Specialty Footwear – There are many companies that make solid footwear using water resistent materials such as gortex, synthetic leathers, and non-slip rubber soles.  Although they are not on the same level as higher end men’s shoes and do not offer as much protection as galoshes, their stylish design and inclement weather durability make them a favorite among practical men.  An example is the ECCO Berlin GTX - as you can see above, it’s large sole and open laced design make it a less dressy shoe than a classic oxford.  But when it comes to not having to worry about the rain or snow and for the man who does not want to be hassled with multiple pairs of shoes, these are hard to beat.

Boots – From hiking to work, boots are made to be tougher and are a great choice for inclement weather thanks to their height and ability to protect the ankles.  Unfortunately they are limited in the range of clothing they can be worn with; anything dressier than odd trousers is stretching their boundaries.  Although the dress boot has a wider range and can be worn with a mens suit, it provides less protection than its rougher brethren.  Due to its more delicate sole and smaller heel you’ll have less clearance when traversing puddles and thus dress boots should be worn with as much care as dress shoes.  With all that being said, all boots should be treated regularly with a waterproofing compound depending on the wearers environment and frequency of wear.

A Sleek Overshoe by SWIM

Galoshes – Galoshes are rubber footwear that slip over shoes and protect them from the elements.  The term includes both over-shoes and over-boots, the difference being the amount of protection afforded the wearer.  With a history of serving men (and women) for over 100 years, they have perfected the art of keeping the wearer dry by completely encapsulating the feet and as an added bonus often provide excellent traction.  Their downside is that proper fit is a must and their additional weight can take some time getting used to – there are also the problems of where to store them and that they are often at home when that unexpected afternoon shower hits.

A good pair of new galoshes can range in price from $20 to well over $150, the difference being durability and style although a very solid pair for occasional wear can be found for less than $30.  Companies like Swim offer a wide range of durable and stylish galoshes online; for the man walking more than a quarter mile to work daily in wet weather these are one of the smarter purchases he can make.

Galoshes & Traction

What to Do When Your Shoes Are Already Wet?

I’d like to end this article with the steps you should take in the case you do soak a pair of quality leather shoes.  Because despite all of your planning, you’re bound to get caught in the rain once!

1. Remove excess water from the outside of the shoe using a dry rag or towel.
2. Pull the moisture from the inside of the shoe.  This can be done with newspaper or a small dry towel. The key here is to draw the moisture out, so every hour or so replace the moist paper with dry paper.  Depending on the extent of the soaking, this could take from 2 hours to 2 days.
3. Do not place the shoes near a heat source; let them dry slowly at room temperature.  If you heat them you will cause the moisture to leave too quickly and greatly increase the chance of the leather cracking.  Cracked leather cannot be fixed on a man’s shoe or boot.
4. Once the shoes appear dry and no more moisture is being drawn out of the shoe, clean and condition with a leather balm or cream and finally polish normally.  Over the next week ensure you clean and polish after every wearing.

Written by
Antonio Centeno
President, www.ATailoredSuit.com
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This is the fourth part in a series designed to help you boost your resiliency. For the previous entries, see Part I, Part II, and Part III.

Have you ever reacted to something with an intensity of emotion that didn’t seem to match the circumstances of the event? The logical part of your mind is telling you that’s it’s not that big of deal, but you still feel really angry/hurt/depressed/anxious, and you can’t seem to turn off the emotion.

These kind of “overreactions” can leave us feeling pretty frustrated. They hurt our relationships and keep us from making progress in our lives. Not only do they lead us to dwell on things longer than we should, but we end up making poor decisions in this emotional state. These kinds of incongruous reactions keep us from responding resiliently to our problems.

So what causes these mismatched reactions? A collision with an iceberg, an iceberg belief to be precise. Water is pouring in your hull, but atop the deck you don’t really understand what has happened. All you know is that you’re sinking-fast.

What Is an Iceberg Belief?

According to the authors of The Resilience Factor, this experience of a mismatched stimulus/reaction is “a sign you are being affected by an underlying belief-a deeply held belief about how the world ought to operate and how you feel you ought to operate within that world. …These deeper motivations and values often drive us and determine how we respond to adversity…these underlying beliefs-or icebergs, as we call them- are usually outside our awareness, deep beneath the surface of our consciousness.”

So iceberg beliefs are fixed and frozen ideas about the world that we hold deep within us. Drs. Reivich and Shatte offer these examples of iceberg beliefs:

“I should succeed at everything I put my mind to.”
“People must respect me at all times.”
“Women should be kind and supportive.”
“A man doesn’t let his emotions show.”
“Failure is a sign of weakness.”
“I must never give up.”
“Only weak people can’t solve their own problems.”

Here are some others I thought of:

“I never want to end up like my father.”
“The most important thing is to be well-liked.”
“Men are always competent in whatever they do.”
“A man never quits what he starts.”

Examples of Iceberg Scenarios

Let’s explore how these icebergs can affect you in real life by looking at some hypothetical scenarios:

Dan’s iceberg belief is, “People must respect me at all times.” As he’s driving to work, someone cuts him off. He spends the rest of the commute riding the guy’s ass, cursing, and flashing his high beams.

Jeff’s iceberg belief is “Manliness can be judged by how good you are with the ladies.” He approaches an attractive woman, and she totally blows him off. James feels deeply hurt and spends the rest of the week replaying the moment and feeling angry and depressed.

Joe’s iceberg belief is that “A man never quits what he starts.” His son Jeremy comes to him one night and tells him that he’s quitting the hockey team because he doesn’t enjoy it anymore. Joe becomes enraged at his son, telling him he’s a loser for giving up, and he’ll never amount to anything in life.

Where Do Icebergs Come From?

Iceberg beliefs can almost all be traced to the way you were brought up. If your dad was a super stoic guy, “Men don’t show emotion,” might be one of your icebergs. If your mom was Miss Manners, one of your iceberg beliefs might be: “People who are impolite are not worth knowing.”

Icebergs in Your Relationships

Icebergs can shipwreck our relationships. This is particularly true because we often have iceberg beliefs about gender roles, even ones we’re not conscious of. Have you have been beaten by a woman you were competing with in a game? Maybe you felt extra crappy about it, crappier than you’d feel if you had been beaten by a dude. You know it’s stupid to feel that way, but that emotional reaction is caused by an iceberg belief about how these encounters should go down.

We all have iceberg beliefs about how a man and how a woman should act, and when these beliefs are violated, we can have a very strong visceral reaction, and we can’t quite understand the intensity of our emotions.

Let’s say you just worked on a handyman project around the house. Or maybe you’re in charge of the finances in your relationship. And you do something wrong, even a little thing. Your wife sees the mistake, tries to pretend like it’s fine, but disappointment is written all over her face. You might feel really angry or defensive or really sulky and humiliated. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but your iceberg belief was that men always know what they’re doing, and so you feel way crappier than you should. And you probably take it out on your wife, becoming uber defensive and angry.

Note-this kind of thing can work both ways. The woman in your life may become really upset when you don’t live up to one of her icebergs beliefs. A lot of women have icebergs beliefs about men being strong and competent with everything. When you fail at something or otherwise come off as weak to them, it can create quite a visceral reaction in them. For example, my wife thinks that the man should take care of haggling deals and be awesome at it. Unfortunately, I’m not. And when I fail to get us a bargain, she gets really angry with me.

The Problems Icebergs Can Cause

“Iceberg beliefs cause you to overexperience certain emotions and underexperience others. Emotionally resilient people feel it all…but they feel those emotions at the appropriate time and to the appropriate degree. Less resilient people tend to get stuck in one emotion, and that comprises their ability to respond productively to adversity.” -The Resilience Factor

There are 4 problems that the Drs. Reivich and Shatte believe can be caused by iceberg beliefs:

1. Iceberg beliefs can become activated at unexpected times, which leads to out-of-proportion emotions and reactions.
2. Their activation might lead to emotions and behaviors that, although not extreme, are mismatched to the situation.
3. Iceberg beliefs can become too rigid, which causes you to fall into the same emotional patterns over and over.
4. Contradictory iceberg beliefs can make it hard to make a decision.

The first 3 points are pretty self-explanatory, but let’s take look at number 4. We can experience contradictory iceberg beliefs that confuse us and make decision-making difficult. You might have two iceberg beliefs: “A man should always follow his passion in life.” and “A man takes care of his family.” You’re called into your boss’ office and offered a promotion. You know you’ll hate the job but it will be a lot more money to support your family. The colliding of these icebergs can make you feel paralyzed and anxious.

It’s important to note that icebergs are not by necessity bad or good-they can be either, or both. “Integrity is the most important thing in life” is obviously a positive iceberg.” “I will never quit at anything,” has some definite positives for your life, but can be taken too far if you’re not careful. “People cannot be trusted” is a mostly negative belief. So you have to do a cost/benefit analysis of which icebergs you want to keep and make work for you and which you want to work on melting away.

Why It’s Hard to Melt Your Icebergs

You may say, well, this is good to know, I’ll just snap out of my negative icebergs and melt them away. But it’s not so easy, as we are all susceptible to a confirmation bias or what RF calls the Velcro/Teflon Effect. As you go about your life, you tend to filter out and ignore whatever doesn’t support your iceberg beliefs while honing in on everything that does.

So Gary believes, “All women are untrustworthy and manipulative.” At the start of his relationship with Sarah, she tells him that she isn’t looking to date anyone seriously. After a few weeks Gary tells Sarah that he wants to become more serious, and she tells him that they shouldn’t see each other anymore because that’s not what’s she’s looking for. Gary will seize on this snub, while ignoring what Sarah told him at the beginning of their relationship, and will declare that women are all a bunch of liars and Sarah just wanted him to take her out and pay for her meals. He may even seek out women who are untrustworthy and manipulative, to unconsciously confirm his bias. The mind can be a tricky thing.

Spotting Your Icebergs to Build Your Resilience

So it’s hard to simply shut off your iceberg beliefs. But it’s possible to stop yourself from colliding with them by spotting them before impact. By standing in your crow’s nest and being vigilant, but you can steer a smoother course for yourself. The more you become aware of your icebergs, the more you can understand why you react the way you do, and the more power you will have to react to things appropriately and resiliently.

To start spotting your icebergs, think back to the last time you felt your reaction wasn’t commensurate with the event that elicited it. Then start asking yourself some questions to get to the heart of why you felt the way you did. It helps to do this exercise in a journal or with some you deeply trust.

The Resilience Factor recommends asking the following “what” questions (why questions tend tn make you defensive) to figure out the iceberg you hit:

What does that mean to me?
What is the most upsetting part of that for me?
What is the worst part of that for me?
What does that say about me?
What’s so bad about that?

Use whichever questions make sense, in any order that makes sense.

Let’s say Jason’s wife Amanda says to him one night, “You know you seem to be drinking a lot after work lately. Maybe you should cut back some.” Jason blows up at her, yelling about how she’s a controlling bitch and it’s none of her damn business how much he drinks. James is taken aback my his reaction and works through what happened like this:

Question: So Amanda suggested you cut down on your drinking some, what’s so bad about that?
Jason: I’m a grown man and I know how much alcohol I can handle. I don’t need her watching over what I’m doing.
Question: What’s so upseting about her watching over what you’re doing?
Jason: I feel like it means she doesn’t trust me and doesn’t think I have it under control.
Question: What’s so bad about her not thinking that you’re in control?
Jason: I felt like she was insinuating that I’m turning into an alcoholic.
Question: Why is that so upsetting to you?
Jason: Because my dad was an alcoholic bastard and I’m not like that. I’m not like him.

So Jason realized that his wife’s comment had made him defensive because it touched on his fear of and commitment to, never turning out like his dad.

When you do this exercise, you’ll first come up with more visceral reasons for why you’re feeling the way you are. You have to keep digging to get to the heart of the matter and spot your iceberg.

So quit rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, and start steering a course to more resiliency.

Source: The Resilience Factor by Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatte

• Boosting Your Resiliency-Part 2: Avoiding Learned Helplessness and Changing Your Explanatory Style
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Welcome back to The Art of Manliness Podcast!

In this week’s episode we talk to author Matthew Mayo. Matt has recently written a book called Cowboys, Mountain Men, and Grizzly Bears: Fifty of the Grittiest Moments in the History of the Wild West. We discuss Hugh Glass and his 350 mile crawl of revenge to kill the men who left him for dead, lawman Bass Reeves and his amazing career as America’s first black U.S. Marshal,  and many more manly men (and a few tough ladies) who helped tame the Wild West.

For more information about Matt’s book, check out his site at matthewmayo.com.

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Matt has been kind enough to provide us with a copy of his book to give away to one lucky reader/listener of The Art of Manliness. All you have to do to enter to win is leave a comment on this post sharing your favorite figure from Wild West history. Fan of Wyatt Earp? Idolized Davy Crockett as a boy? Share with us in the comments.

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