Mara Altman's Blogness Monster

Drafty

2011-11-05T18:58:00.001-07:00

Winter time

is coming

I think

it's time for

new boots

Meditations

2011-11-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

Today, a man begging for change didn't want my leftover sushi. What does that mean?

A.) America isn't in as dire a situation as we think?

B.) He was smart. No one should ever take a stranger's leftover sushi.

C.) He asked for change, he didn't ask for a mangled piece of tuna.

Root Vegetables

2011-11-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

That know how to work it. Happy Fall.

Conventional

2011-11-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

But In Love

My Rock Collection:

2011-04-17T09:11:00.001-07:00

Hamburger Rock

Jabba The Hutt Rock

Penis Rock

Butt Rock (or Jabba's backside)

Someone Else's Sparkle

2011-03-10T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sparkle, a piece I wrote for Kindle Singles, is about my engagment ring neurosis. Maria, my guest writer (and fellow ring wearer) for today, comes to her ring from a different perspective. She got the big blingy diamond, not because she wanted it, but because she was afraid to miss out. Maria, take it from here:

Photo credit: King of Platinum

I used to think that engagement rings were gaudy. When my intended asked me if I wanted a diamond, I quickly replied, “No. It will just land up in a drawer somewhere.”

Days passed. I remembered when I was about ten years old and asked for a baby doll for Christmas. Not the sexy nightie kind- the kind that comes with a bottle of fake milk that moves in the plastic bottle when you “feed your baby”. It wasn’t like I really wanted a doll, or to play mommy, but because I suddenly realized I had never been into that and I was afraid of missing the experience. Santa brought the doll. It had some sort of a cute, Cindy Brady’s Kitty Curl-up name. I pretended for a few days and was over it.

Later, in high school, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to my prom. “No…” He was 25 years old and I was just too mature for the schoolgirl traditions. Until a week before the prom when I was suddenly afraid I would regret not having gone to the prom, and opted back in, borrowed a dress from my mom’s closet (which, whenever I come across that photo these days, I think, “Damn! I was so hot!” and went to the prom w/ a noticeably older guy who had hair down to his waist and wasn’t the tux sort of guy- he wore a white silk jacket with a dragon embroidered on the back. We were too cool for school.

True to my M.O., I though, “I might regret never having the experience of an engagement ring,” so…“Yes, a diamond would be nice. Nothing from Africa, please. An Arctic diamond. Bloodless. From the frozen North where handsome polar bears tread and Canadian men driving oversized Tonka toy trucks out of an ice pit get paid nicely for their work. He was sure to present me w/ the certificate of authenticity, for my peace of mind.

We went shopping. I picked out the setting, he picked out the stone. At first it clunked on everything – I’m not much of a jewelry person. When driving home from work, the sun hit it just right to sprinkle little rainbow reflections on the interior of my car- every tiny bit of magic a reflection of the blessing that I have found in my man. Tra la la la la. My sister calls it The Spotlight. I now find myself hiding my hand when I am with another woman whose stone is smaller than mine. I almost need to wear a glove.

I hide the ring because I don’t want them to feel badly if they see it and compare it to their own ring with a smaller stone. I am not concerned with what they think about me, except that I don’t want them to feel like I am shoving it in their faces.

The other part of it is that they don’t necessarily know that I have only recently been engaged/married. I know that many women have small diamonds because when their husband gave it to them, they were younger with less money. A perk to getting married later is that there is more in the bank; the downside is that there is less time ahead for us. The smaller stones with more years to be together is a much better deal than the larger stone w/ less years to be together.

Now that the wedding ring is on that finger, the engagement ring will probably land up in a drawer somewhere, sometime soon. I’ll be over it. Had the experience and moved on.

In the end, I think that a simple non-diamond ring would’ve been a better choice for an engagement ring. Something I could’ve worn everyday without it calling undue attention.

I'd love to post more personal stories. If you're into it, you can email me your ring story, gripe, concern, obsession, etc. at maraaltman (at) yahoo.com

Sparkle is Live

2011-03-06T20:53:00.001-08:00

My new story, Sparkle, is out on Kindle Singles. Kindle Singles is described this way: "Compelling ideas expressed at their natural length." It took me a little more than 12,000 words to express my idea, which has to do with my engagement and engagement rings in general. It felt pretty natural. More or less, anyway. I could go on forever, really, but I won't...or shouldn't. I'll let you see for yourself, if you're interested. Some stuff didn't make it into 'the natural length,' so I might try to share some of the outtakes in some coming blog posts. I hope you enjoy.

The cover art for this piece was done by a very talented artist, Adil Dara Kim. Check out his website. He does a lot of other interesting stuff. Thank you, Adil!

Also, If you feel like sharing your engagement ring story (issues with the ring, desires for the ring, passionate dissaproval or whatever), I will be posting stories on my blog. Please share your story in an email! maraaltman (at) yahoo.com

Orgasm in Translation

2010-04-29T09:17:00.001-07:00

We've gone pink...and German!

The Orgasm and The Brain

2010-04-28T21:52:00.000-07:00

Barry Komisaruk, a neuroscientist at Rutgers, is studying orgasm in the hopes of finding the roots of human consciousness. He selects women to orgasm in fMRI machines so that he can see what's going on in their brains. I volunteered to be a participant in one such study. The Pleasure Lab is what resulted. Enjoy!

Happy Anniversary

2010-04-14T09:16:00.001-07:00

Today is the 1st anniversary of the publishing of Thanks for Coming. Thanks for all the reading, supporting and orgasm awareness.

They grow up so fast. It seems like just a couple months ago that TFC was a clean-shaven broad.

Mara Altman is currently working on her second book - a novel - which is due out when Procrastination Junction meets the end of Vibrator Battery Life Avenue.

Kalanchoe's Addiction

2010-04-12T11:07:00.000-07:00

I received my succulents via mail last friday (thanks, Mom!). But a big surprise happened when I opened the box. I'd unintentionally picked out a smoker.

Kalanchoe luciae aka Flapjacks McGee huffs on the things as if they were soil laced with a heavy dosage of sunshine. I'm trying to help her quit. I told her that the nicotine was an inferior substitute for what she really craved: Propagation.

I'm yet to convince her. She thinks she looks groovy (succulents prefer 'groovy' to 'rad' or 'awesome') with the cigarette hanging off her leaf and she swears that it makes her roots tingle like no form of nitrogen enriched substrate or commercially produced fertilizer has ever done. I told her it was the tingle of gangrene. Then she cursed me for anthropomorphizing her.

As for now, I'm hoping she doesn't spread her bad habit to her sill companions. I'm planning on buying her the patch. She didn't do well with the gum; she couldn't absorb carbon dioxide and chew at the same time. When I threatened to withhold water, she just laughed and chanted "I'm drought tolerant, bitch!"

Pussy Doldrums

2010-04-07T20:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, you heard it. I'm kinda sick of pussy. Okay, not sick of pussy, but sick of writing about it... for the moment. I just need a twattle break.

You know how it is when you say any word over and over again really fast it starts to not even sound like the thing or action it refers to. It just sounds like a string of sounds, a string so long that you could double Dutch with it and still have some leftover to tie up a pork loin and floss your teeth. That's what pussy sounds like to me right now.

I want to expand the topics on this blog, because there are no rules here (and I don't want to think of flossing my teeth when I think of pussy). If there are no rules, I don't know why I feel the need to explain myself, but I do. So I will, because there are no rules.

I might end up writing about my newfound love for succulents, which my family (parents and two brothers) grow for a living and I thought I'd always loathed. It actually turns out that I didn't like that weird words like Pachyphytum oviferum and Glottiphyllum linguiforme received more attention than the neato smiley faces I'd form from my pasta. Now I am beginning to appreciate those words and the plants they refer to (some succulents can live more than four years without water and have root systems that look similar to a potato. Come on, that's crazy!) Just look at them in the upper left hand corner. If flowers could have online personalities, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd appoint succulents as their avatars (and I mean flower in a purely flower way; no vulva insinuation).

I also might write about eating, dancing, music, tropical fish, how my landlady kicked me out of my apartment today, pizza making and my long quest to make the hem of my pants (which are always too long) molded to the right length via the interminable dragging of the extra five inches on New York's crusty streets. I will not pay to get them hemmed. It's just wrong and unjust, like not legalizing gay marriage. I was born this way.

After all that talk not about pussy, I kind of miss talking about pussy.

'pussy'

okay, I'm over it again.

Vulva Interview: with Cactus Blossom

2010-01-11T17:04:00.000-08:00

This is a recurring interview that the TFC blog conducts with random women. The idea is to show how varied and unique each woman's sexual experience can be. To protect the interviewee's privacy, she will be identified as her favorite flower.

TFC: Age?

CB: 29

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

CB: Hmmm...in the last six to 12 months. I don't remember exactly.

TFC: What does it look like to you?

CB: It looks like...well, it makes me think of a cabbage. A fruit or a vegetable with many layers, and the layers inside are the tenderest.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

CB: I had just turned 12. I had received my second or third issue of Seventeen, and there was a column called "Sex and Your Body," and that particular month, the title of the column was "Is This Normal?", and it was about masturbation. In the bathroom, I fished around (ha) to see if I, too, had this mysterious clitoris they talked about, and voila! There it was! I guess that was my first orgasm, or maybe first arousal - the first orgasm may have been when I realized we had a detachable shower head. Then it was like, daily.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

CB: It feels like...a wave. Like being a wave. It builds, it crests, it breaks, it recedes, it builds up again.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

CB: Yesterday. Oral sex with boyfriend. Sofa in the living room.

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

CB: Oh, God, yes. I've never achieved a vaginal orgasm from intercourse. It feels good, it just doesn't make me come. When I think about it, it kinda makes me feel disordered and inadequate.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

CB: I haven't. Either I'll figure it out, somehow, or I'll accept that other orgasms are enough. I like having a clitoral orgasm (from clit stimulation) during sex - that's like the best of both worlds.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

CB: None that I feel like sharing. :-)

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

CB: When I was 23, my wise, bold friend M___ told me that I should never, ever feel like I "owe" it to a partner in a casual encounter to do a particular thing, like give them a blow job. "You're a queen," she told me. "Do what you want, and nothing else. You don't owe anyone anything." I think generosity is important in sex, but I had
been operating from the assumption (without realizing it) that my main purpose was satisfying the other person and fulfilling some kind of duty, even if it was a one-night stand.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Sunflower

2009-12-01T09:54:00.000-08:00

TFC: Age?

S: 18

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

S: Hm...about 4 days ago. Usually I check up on it (yes, I call my vulva an it, more on that later) every few weeks or so, to make sure everything looks in-check - so far, so good!

TFC: What does it look like to you?

S: The first thing that comes to mind are those dark velvet curtains you see at old-timey theaters, all dark and drapey and billowy. The color is really hard to describe, it's quite a dark purple-brown, which sounds gross, but it's nice - it's quite a contrast to my otherwise light skin, but it looks unique and natural. Oddly enough, maybe that's why I tend to like purplish lipsticks for my face....hm, something else to think about.....

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

S: 17, and it was at home with myself. I had just started masturbating, and it took me about a month to figure out a technique that worked.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

S: Every orgasm is so different. Sometimes it feels like I shuffled my feet on carpet and am getting shocked all over (but mostly down my legs). Sometimes it's like warm honey is flowing through me. Sometimes I feel like I'm nearly having a seizure. One time I came and had no other sensation except for the fact that my body simply relaxed so fully, quickly, and completely that I couldn't move a muscle for a good 5 minutes. To define orgasm - hmm. Well, for a metaphor, it's usually a feeling like a balloon just popped from being over-filled, you can't really say how it happens, but one second you're climbing, climbing, and then just - pow - you're not, and all these different feelings flow through you (usually not as explosive as a balloon popping, I guess that more describes the climb up and then sudden arrival). I have found that I get different orgasms depending on if I'm with myself or if I'm with my boyfriend - by myself, my whole body seems to react and whatever feeling I have goes through me. When I'm with him, I just suddenly am overcome by the need to relax and lay down. Different techniques get you to different destinations, apparently.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

S: Hmm...last night. I was in bed, and felt like I hadn't really given myself enough "attention" lately, and that I really wanted to take some time actually making masturbation last for once, rather than just rushing through it trying to get to the end - so I did, and it was quite nice (and I fell asleep right away :p )

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

S: With my boyfriend, we would be messing around, and he would obviously be trying to see what would make me come, and nothing was working - whenever that happened, I always felt bad, like there was something wrong with me or him or both of us, or something. And one time, I was masturbating, and simply COULD NOT reach climax. Half an hour of almost-there-just-not-quite and I was about ready to tear my hair out.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

S: With my boyfriend, I just learned to relax and enjoy what was going on, orgasm or no, and things got to be much more fun (And I actually came more often, weirdly enough. Apparently all that advice about "think about it and it won't happen" is true.) When I was by myself, I gave the self-love a few days rest, and everything worked out. I think I had just overdone the masturbation in the few days around the incident of no-orgasming, and my body needed a break, and wasn't going to go any further without some time off. Lesson learned.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

S: No. I mean, if it need be referenced, pussy, but that's not so much a nickname as a slang term. I've never felt comfortable with personally naming my vulva - I think that'd make me feel split 2 people, like my vulva and the rest of me couldn't do things together anymore without arranging an appointment. I don't even like calling my vulva anything other than "it" for the same reason. If I started naming, masturbating would feel like the main part of me was doing service to the vulva part of me - it would totally take away from the whole unity part of sex, the combo head-heart-body aspect. Not to mention that any sex with someone else would automatically feel like a threesome if I named my vulva. (Besides, that would seem unfair to other fun body parts, like breasts and elbows, if they didn't get names.) The few times I have considered naming my vulva I feel this weird tug to give a male name, or at least a gender-neutral name - I guess even my vulva wants to assert her feminist side.

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

S: Don't be scared of something just because you've never done it - and have fun with whatever does happen.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Bluestockings (A celebration of BUTT) Reading

2009-11-17T10:03:00.000-08:00

The reading at Bluestockings last thursday was great. If you weren't there, you missed out. But I don't want you to completely miss out, so here's the run down. The ladies running the shop were fantastic. I made cookies (burnt the first batch, damnit!), but the second batch was gooey yum yum. Caused some major moans and groans. I hope no faking. Faking isn't good for anyone. We had a quiz with giveaways. Test question:

Who gets pleasure from the butt?

a) homosexuals

B) only men

C) snuffaluffagus

D) EVERYONE!

If you answered D and you had been there, you could have won your very own packet of viscous lube (perfect for the aforementioned butt). We had a sexpert visit and give a talk on butt play. Yes, the theme of the night was BUTT. Her breaking of taboo per-minute ratio was quite high. A dizzying kind of high. She talked about different butt massage strokes, the winking asshole (that's how you know the butt likes you and might want more), and safety tips (cut your nails!). She also very kindly brought her toys and let women climb into her strap-ons. According to her, everyone should know what it's like to have a dick. A dick is just a dick, she says.

I was very proud of those ladies who put their purses aside and climbed on in. There were quite a few. I really think the strap-on look makes the perfect facebook profile pic. You know, it's amazing how wearing a cock makes you want to fit it into things - holes in the wall, dip it in paint and draw a picture, sword fight. Cocks, oh those crazy cocks.

oh yeah, another important point our sexpert made was that having something in your butt (and liking it!) when you're a straight male doesn't make you gay. Main moral of the story: Don't be afraid of the anus!

Anyway, we are doing our next joint venture together in Philly on December 4th at Wooden Shoe Books. If you're in the neighborhood, come on by!

Vulva Interview: with Red Tulip

2009-11-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

TFC: Age?

RT: 29

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

RT: Today.

TFC: What does it look like to you?

RT: An abstract form of something unique and beautiful. It's mine, and not relatable to anything I've ever laid eyes upon.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

RT: A thumb-size, battery-operated pink vibrator gifted me my first O, a day after I turned 18.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

RT: Like a tense muscle that keeps tightening until it loses control, followed by a flood of tingling sensations that shoot through my body. An O, if I were to simplify it, is an unvoluntary spastic release of tension.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

RT: Last night, from oral sex with my boyfriend.

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

RT: Absolutely. It's maddening, and makes me feel like I fall short on a sexually cerebral level. I sometimes worry that my biggest sexual organ, my brain, doesn't work.

TFC: What did you do to overcome it?

RT: Play with myself. Alone. Again. Again, and again. I still practice today.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

RT: Yes, but nothing that beats pussy.

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

RT: I haven't received it yet, but I'm all ears.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Rugosa Rose

2009-10-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

RR: last week. i was on my yoga mat in downward-facing-dog position
facing a full-length mirror in broad-daylight. i have a cute freckle on my left-labia and as it turns out,
so does my sister!

TFC: What does it look like to you?

RR: like a purple Rugosa Rose...ravaged w/reckless abandon on the outside; while tender & tingly on the inside

TFC: Age at first orgasm?

RR: 12

TFC: How did you achieve it?

RR: by accident. i was playing w/my
barbie dolls and was changing their clothes.
i held them in btwn my legs to keep them steady as I
disrobed them. the barbie dolls' legs slipped deeper
into my crotch, and it was at that moment that i felt
the tingle and once i figured out how to repeat that
sensation, i've never stopped.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you?

RR: the ultimate high; the feeling of riding the wave..ebb & flow

TFC: Do you have a definition for orgasm?

RR: YES.
two main types; "clitoral" and "vaginal".
two very different orgasms.
the clitoral is a quick-jolt, a short-story. and self-achieved.
the vaginal is a whole drama, story-arcs, curve-balls, peaks&valleys
it's got characters and extras; it's a drama; not a short story!

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

RR: Aahh..just last week..hotel-sex w/my hot boyfriend in vegas, baby!
we love banging in bathrooms!

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

RR: Yes! Made me feel LIKE SHIT! frustrated/angry

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

RR: MASTURBATE UNTIL I MADE MYSELF SORE!

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

RR: my boyfriend *lovingly* named it the "gyonster".

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

RR: I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED ANY GOOD SEX ADVICE FROM ANY OUTSIDE SOURCE!
i trust my heart, my head and my vulva.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Apparition!

2009-10-11T18:29:00.000-07:00

In my latte!

Vulva Interview: with Water Lily

2009-10-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

TFC: Age?

WL: 35

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

WL: basically every time i oil up after baths.

TFC: What does it look like to you?

WL: honestly, general non-interest is the prevailing sentiment.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

WL: dry humping a boy at summer camp. i stayed cool, and tried not to let on to what had just happened. i got worried for some reason. the "am i normal?" syndrome.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

WL: rainbows and puppies all the way to my toes. my awareness turns distinctly inward. the strong exterior, tactile physicality (during foreplay) quickly becomes a purely interior force. like suddenly it wouldn't matter if the room was on fire. that's when i know. it's more of a feeling than a definition i guess.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

WL: strangely, i currently have an itchy patch down there. i can get an orgasm when itching it. obviously a bit different than a vaginal orgasm, but the same knee-buckling, nothing-is-going-to-stop-me-in-the-middle-of-this sensation that ends in an explosion. that happened about an hour ago in the kitchen.

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

WL: sometimes when i'm anxious. it makes me feel broken.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

WL: i always get there, it's just harder. i try to think of unusual, removed things. like the desert, a volcano, a weird room with red lighting and big pillows on the floor. pretending i'm (we're) in zero-gravity on the moon also makes me feel far away from my problems.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

WL: nope.

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

WL: not sure if it was advice or if i just figured it out, but: experimentation. variation. go deep into the non-obvious things.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Mum

2009-10-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

TFC: Age?

M: Sixty something

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

M: When I couldn’t find my car keys anywhere, and as a last ditch effort…

TFC: What does it look like to you?

M: Howdy Doody

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

M: I was 11 or 12 and experienced my first hot fudge sundae.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

M: I feel the earth move under my feet; I feel the sky tumbling down.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

M: At a brunch recently, I had my very favorite chocolate cake. Yes! YES! YES!

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? If so, how did it make you feel?

M: Sure. It made me feel like a natural woman.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

M: Marched around the house with a picket sign singing “We Shall Overcome Someday.”

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

M: Kadiddlehopper

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

M: You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Populus Tremula

2009-09-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

TFC: Age?

PT: Early 30’s

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

PT: Last week

TFC: What does it look like to you?

PT: It always looks different, like your face looks different every time you look in the mirror, but it’s in a more detached way. I don’t need to lather it exorbitantly priced face lotions or use a palette of make up to alter it’s appearance, it’s just sort of there. It’s there like the handle of the door needs to be there when I wake up to be sure that the world is still right side up.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

PT: 16. I was at a party and my boyfriend at the time he had the secret key,
very adept hands and mouth that produced a result in my body that I did not know was possible.

That singular event is burned into my brain because it was like lightening and then falling off of a cliff. Maybe the best ever, because there was no anticipation of what could, would, or should happen. Thank you Jason Sugars.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you?

PT: It’s like an improvisational jazz session. It starts with a rhythm section; softly at first, but with a consistent beat. Sometimes there is a long into, sometimes not. Other instruments join in and the music gets more complicated and somewhat unstable, then you hit the right note in your mind that sends you and then there is a rippling and clattering, a pulsing that is originally localized that moves out rippling out through you, shattering through your veins, down through your thighs, toes shaking, then a bit of a rumbling, bass drum and cymbals, slight deafness, and then the music ends, but there is a resonance like a blinking light, or an opening and closing of flower, of a heart valve, a burning cigarette that glows on the edge of a tray and then slowly fades.

TFC: Do you have a definition for orgasm?

PT: A free vacation
My best friend
Healthy routine

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

PT: At the moment it’s just me, myself, and I
I have my routine down, I’ve perfected it.
I can actually time it.

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

PT: Yes, when I don’t feel safe.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

PT: It used to feel like failure, now I realize that we are complex animals, not robots.
A Hallmark card won’t get you around it, laughter helps, time passing, changing the subject,
And then maybe going at it again.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

PT: No, that would make it feel like something separate from my own body.
It has been called “votre chatte” numerous times.

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

PT: Don’t forget to breathe

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva interview: with Ranunculus

2009-09-28T18:52:00.000-07:00

This is a reoccurring interview that the TFC blog conducts with random women. The idea is to show how varied and unique each woman's sexual experience can be. To protect the interviewee's privacy, she will be identified as her favorite flower.

TFC: Age?

R: 33

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

R: probably only a few times in my life (meaning w a mirror). last time years ago, cant even remember

TFC: What does it look like to you?

R: reminds me of an elephant. an ex-boyfriend of mine told me many girls's look like space aliens (not mine, of course, he told me). hopefully mine isn't the dreaded roast beef sandwich... read about that a few years ago and was horrified - also went on a first online date and a guy was complaining that everyone says you can easily see most of a woman's goods outlined by her clothes but that the one wildcard is the pussy, which can be gruesome...

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

R: 17. a friend had talked me through it. i was in bed and had just woken up, and i played w myself. i think women get hornier just after they wake up bc some pee is stored near the genitalia which puts pressure in the right places. also you're already really relaxed.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

R: the best part of an orgasm is the part right before the actual climax. it feels amazing for about 7 seconds usualy then the climax by which point the pussy shakes but not much feeling. the best "orgasm" is when you can get the pre- part to last for many minutes, by not touching clit directly but area around it - teasing yourself. definition: not an orgasm unless pussy shakes (contracts).

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

R: most recent orgasm - watching porn! was actually a very intense orgasm. i was watching a young curvy "prostitute" service a client. that was on friday (three days ago). video was 20 mins long which is long for me - usually too long to watch - but it was a very sexy vid and was worth investing the whole time to it. i felt extreme pleasure for about 12 mins of it (again, not orgasming the whole time - that great part before the orgasm).

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

R: its hard to reach orgasm during sex w a guy, and frankly, the orgasms dont feel that amazing unless the guy is going slowly. it has made me feel embarrassed, like Im not sexual enough. Ive faked plenty of orgasms. I only bother to try to orgasm w my boyfriend every month or so when im really horny.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

R: fake it. or not try to have orgasms during sex. ive talked it over w my boyfriend and he now knows that its effort for women and that most of the time i wont feel like "working" during sex. he does give me nice orgasms through oral.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

R: no nickname

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

R: Every woman needs to masturbate with the water stream of a shower head. theyve given me the best orgasms of my life, and my only multiple orgasm. another piece of advice: allow your mind to go wherever it damn pleases to get you off - and that includes when you're with a guy.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Purple Orchid

2009-09-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

PO: I usually give it a cursory glance in the shower, but I can't remember the last time I took out a hand mirror. I don't really have any mirrors in the house except for the one on the medicine cabinet, so not looking at my vulva is akin to not seeing the back of my hair, or not being able to make sure my pants don't make my butt look funny.

I remember the first time I looked at it, though. I think it was inspired by a scene from Fried Green Tomatoes, (but it could have been Steel Magnolias). At any rate, I was somewhere between ten and twelve and a scene in a movie that has some sort or rural Southern theme and a bunch of woman sitting around with mirrors to their crotch caught my interest. I was really surprised at what I saw when I saw it myself.

TFC: What does it look like to you?

PO: Lumpy. I've gotten used to it over the years, but it's taken me a while to recognize it as my own. My inner labia hang out below my outer labia, so there's a bit of volume. If I wore tight pants camel toe would be a serious issue. A friend of mine once told me that hers hung funny too, and some guy she slept with in highschool told her it looked like roast beef. I've adopted that, because it didn't happen to me, and, well, it kind of does.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

PO: Looking back I realize that I've had little orgasms off and on as long as I've been masturbating (since I was four or so) but they were never such mind blowing events, so even up until my first partner induced orgasm two years ago, I always considered them small releases and not "real" orgasms. It was my first "real" orgasm that made me realize that the shape and size doesn't matter as much as the release of tension.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

PO: It's totally clitoral and takes a while at a very specific rhythm. I have no problem mixing it up, when it comes to sex, but if I want to come, there's not a lot of variety. The first time I had an orgasm with a guy, and one that was more explosive than the self induced kind, was with the man who's now my husband. It felt sharp and immediate. Now I have a very flexible definition, so all those little releases I used to describe as "comfortable" I now call orgasms.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

PO: I honestly can't remember. I still don't get a lot of them, so I'm happy enjoying sex in other ways. It still feels great even if there's no big bang. I'm lucky in my own way, they often come as little surprises. Because I don't expect them, when they do happen it's a special bonus.

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

PO: I pretty much always have trouble reaching orgasm. It's not even a guarantee if I'm doing it myself. For years I thought I was totally deprived of some amazing experience, but I've been lucky to learn that it's different for everyone. I'm not envious of women who can orgasm all the time. I'm also not envious of men just because it seems like it's so easy for them, which wasn't always the case. I used to resent men for that, which didn't make sex a particularly bonding experience, even if it was with a serious partner.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

PO: I don't really consider my vulva as something separate from myself so it's never struck me to have a nickname. It would be like naming my left arm. I got really mad the first time my husband made up some cutesy name. He thought he was being endearing, I thought he was separating me from the part that he wanted to have sex with. I'm kind of one minded like that.

PO: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

A good friend gave me this one in our very early twenties after some guy freaked out about her stubble: Don't shave your legs for a man who's not going to be into you if you didn't get a chance to shave your legs.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Naked Lady

2009-09-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

TFC: Age?

NL: 28

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

NL: I had to look at it just now to answer the next question. Before that, the last time I saw it was a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't seen my vulva in sometime so I thought I would get back in touch. No pun intended.

TFC: What does it look like to you?

NL: The entrance to some mysterious and exciting cave. And my cervix could be a giant stalactite.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

NL: I really can't remember how old I was, sometime during my early teens. It was acheived with a stream of water in the shower.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

NL: It feels like pangs of happiness that get stronger and stronger until they erupt in an glorious explosion that radiates from my nether regions. My mind is absolutely clear. No worries, responsibilties, doubts or insecurities for that split second or two. Then, it dissipates into a warm and cozy feeling all over.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

NL: My last orgasm was a few days ago, although I tried desperately with my husband last night. I had a beer which always makes the Big O elusive. I'm not terribly worried about it though since I could take off my pants right now and do it.

TFC: Ever have any troubles finding your orgasm? What did you do to overcome?

NL: Sober up and trust the person I'm with.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

NL: I must be a little immature about this since I never, ever refer it by name or personify it in anyway. It's like giving your belly-button a name. Granted, rubbing my navel has never given me huge happiness explosions but maybe I haven't explored that orfice fully. I have been known to call my vulva twataffleupagus, crotch, va-jay-jay, cravice and most recently, my slice.

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

NL: I don't think that I have received much, if any, sex advice, aside from the obligatory and quite helpful birth control discussion with my mother.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)

Vulva Interview: with Gerber Daisy

2009-09-21T07:41:00.000-07:00

TFC: Age?

GD: 27

TFC: When is the last time you looked at your vulva?

GD: Just now - it had been years and years, but this question made me feel I've been remiss about that.

TFC: What does it look like to you?

GD: Well, I have my period, so... like a low-budget horror movie, basically.

TFC: Age at first orgasm and how did you achieve it?

GD: Not sure exactly, but young, about 4 or 5 - I had no idea what I was doing, just that it felt good.

TFC: What does an orgasm feel like to you? Do you have a definition for orgasm?

GD: A little like laughing, a little like crying, a little like sneezing - the other kinds of "spastic body reactions" that serve as a release. But better. Better than sneezing, especially.

TFC: When was your most recent orgasm and what were the circumstances?

GD: Night before last, in bed, just me and my hand.

TFC: Have you ever had trouble reaching orgasm? if so, how did it make you feel?

GD: By myself, no. But it seems to take me a while with the same guy, a few weeks or even a month or two, before I feel unselfconscious and comfortable enough to relax and let it happen. I used to wonder if I was doing something wrong, but now that I know that's just how it goes for me, it doesn't really bother me.

TFC: What did you do to overcome?

GD: Practice.

TFC: Have any nicknames for your vulva?

GD: No. Nothing wrong with that, but speaking just for myself, I don't think I want to do anything to mentally separate it from the rest of me. I mean, I don't nickname my nostril or my left foot or my elbow, you know? It's all just me.

TFC: What is the best piece of sex advice you've ever received?

GD: Nobody's a mind reader (... and men especially aren't). In other words, talk to your partner.

(TFC is always looking for more women's vulva perspectives. If you're interested in sharing yours, please send an email to info@maraaltman.com)