Text Messages, SMS, Jokes, Quotes, Love Thoughts, Short Msg, SMS, Chats, Relationships, Love

Broom Mates

2017-10-30T10:53:00.001-07:00

Q. What do you call two witches that live together?

A. Broom mates.😱👻👻😱

Holloween Costume 2017

2017-10-28T11:08:00.001-07:00

them: whats your halloween costume?

me: a fatter version of my old self.

Holloween 2017

2017-10-26T10:57:00.001-07:00

Q. Do you have a scary story to share this holloween?
A. Commitment
Q. Why commitment?
A. Because now a days everyone is scared with commitments.
ahhhwohhhh.. 👻💀☠ Happy Holloween!!!

ay duling...

2012-04-18T00:34:00.002-07:00

juan : oh bkt ganyan itsura mo ?
Basang basa ka at puro putik. Ambaho mo pa ?!

Pedro : nakita m b ung kanal jn sa labas ?

Juan : oo. .

Pedro : pwez aq hindi ! Masaya ka na ? !

sana HACKER nalang ako

2011-09-29T18:58:00.000-07:00

, para HACKIN KA NALANG....

Lie Detector

2011-09-29T02:48:00.000-07:00

A Man buys a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.
He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son where were you today during school hours?
Son: At school (robot slaps son)

Son: Okay I went to the movies!
Dad: Which one?
Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again!)

Son: Okay I was watching porn.
Dad: What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)
Mom: hahahahaha ! after all he is your Son!(robot slaps Mom)

Q&A Miss Universe Jokes

2011-09-13T20:06:00.000-07:00

The FINALISTS:
Miss America
Miss Spain
Miss Britain
Miss Philippines
Miss Iran
Miss India
Miss Japan

QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. AMERICA : Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. AMERICA : Because it stands everytime it sees a woman….. (Applause!…. Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. SPAIN : Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. SPAIN : Because it charges everytime it sees an opening. (Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearian actors and Heroes.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. BRITAIN : Because it cries after every performance and because it is buried alive. (Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves
QUESTION : And why do you say that?
MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door….. (Applause!… Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. INDIA : Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer.
QUESTION : Why do you say that?
MS. INDIA : Because it works day and night…. (Applause!..Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Japan, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MISS JAPAN: It's like an actor in a stage play….because it bows down after every performance.
(Applause!..Applause!)
QUESTION : Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country?
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh…well, opcors, hihihihi…I can say dat male organs in our country are like chismis…
QUESTION : Chismis???
MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry… Its ano, ahh kuwan…it means GOSSIP in our language.
QUESTION : Hmm… Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?
MS.PHILIPPINES : Ayy…Dyahe!!!!Hi hi hi hi hi hi…Kasi….I mean because it passes from mouth to mouth..

Beauty Pageant Q&A Portion

2011-09-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

Host: Who’s your favorite author?
Contestant: Danielle Steele.
Host: Why Danielle Steele?
Contestant: Because…
because Danielle Steele, I like best. Thank you.

Host: How would you like me to address you?
Contestant: My address is Project 8, Quezon City.

Host: What is your favorite motto?
Contestant: (after a long pause) I don’t have a motto eh.
( the crowd starts helping her out. the crowd started saying, “Time is gold! Time is gold!”)
Contestant: I have na po. Chinese gold!

Host: What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant: My edge is 23 years old.

Host: If you were given any special power, what would it be?
Girl: Power of Attorney!

Miss Universe / Pageant Jokes

2011-09-13T19:50:00.000-07:00

Host: What’s your ideal age for marriage?
Girl: Uhmm… I am not sure…
Host: Hindi… Kunwari ikaw, more or less…?
Girl: Uhmm… more.
(crowd booing…)
Girl: Sige, Sige… Less, less na lang..

Kids calls a Help Desk / Call Center

2011-09-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

Kid: When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatz the joke?

Help Desk: Dear kid, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person standing behind, he can't read your password.

Kid: Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me.

Professionalism

2011-09-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

“I always give 100% at work:
13% Monday
22% Tuesday
26% Wednesday
35% Thursday
4% Friday”

Reasons of the Heart

2011-09-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche

In an Interview

2011-09-09T02:51:00.000-07:00

Interviewer: Can u make a sentence using green, pink yellow?
Job Hunter: hmmm... (thinks) okay sir... My phone rings... GREEN GREEN, I PINK it up and say YELLOW.

Job Interview

2011-09-09T02:47:00.000-07:00

Boss: What do you know?
Rommel: I know where your wife lives and where your "NUMBER 2" lives.
Boss: You're hired!

Job Advise

2011-09-09T02:45:00.000-07:00

Love your job
But
dont love your Company
Bcoz
you never knows when your company stops loving you... - Bill Gates

2011-09-09T02:35:00.000-07:00

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. -M. Kathleen Casey

The Law of Probabilities

2011-09-09T02:31:00.000-07:00

I teach something called The Law of Probabilities, which says the more things you try, the more likely one of them will work. The more books you read, the more likely one of them will have an answer to a question that could solve the major problems of your life.. make you wealthier, solve a health problem, whatever it might be.- Jack Canfield

Financial Education

2011-09-09T02:28:00.000-07:00

Financial education needs to become a part of our national curriculum and scoring systems so that it’s not just the rich kids that learn about money.. it’s all of us. -David Bach

The Power of Believing

2011-09-08T21:16:00.001-07:00

Believe you can and you're halfway there. - Theodore Roosevelt

Family Advise 1

2011-09-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

Children need the secure feeling of knowing that 'Mum's at home' and 'all is normal'.

-excerpts from Secrets of the Fascinating Womanhood.

YaYa Jokes

2011-09-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

1. Yaya buys food at McDo.
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?”

2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.”

3. Woman carrying sick baby enters doctor’s office.
Doc: “Bottlefed?”
Woman: “Brea-stfed po.”
Doctors squeezes woman’s breasts repeatedly)
Doc: “Ayan ang problema, wala kang gatas, eh.”
Woman: “Yaya lang po ako doc! Yaya!”

4. The eggs that yaya bought turned out to be rotten.
She stormed back to the grocery and told the vendor:
“Manong, ang baho ng itlog niyo!”

5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!”

6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”

7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!”

8. Just now my maid burned a hole in my uniform.
I angrily asked her, “Paano mo naman nasunog to?”
She answered: “Secret!”

9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!

10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”

11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”
Mom: “It’s up to you.”
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko, sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!”

12. Our neighbor’s yaya: “Junjun, chew your mouth!”

13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can at isang Sprite na Coke in can…”

14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…”

15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?”

16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!”

17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…”

18. Neighbor’s yaya telling her ward to climb down the stairs:
“Down to earth! Down to earth!”

19. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,
"Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”

20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:
“Parang Watson’s yata…”

21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!”

22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?”

23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)
Kuya: “Yaya…”
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…”

24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?”

25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo.
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”

26. Yaya to my brother: “Nag tothbrush ka na ng ipin?”
Bro: “Siyempre, alangan namang mag toothbrush ako ng kilikili!”

27. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!”

28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.
Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?
“Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!”

29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.”

30. Yaya picking up the phone saying: “ Hilo ?”
We noticed that she was holding the handset ng baligtad.
We told her, “Yaya, baliktad!”
Then Yaya said: “Lohi

31. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

New Technology

2011-09-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

3 men were sitting in a sauna naked. Suddenly there was a ring tone coming from the first man, he pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear,speaking into it. Bemused by others until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny implanted under the skin.

Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail.

The 3rd man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom. He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!

Password Security

2011-09-07T19:32:00.001-07:00

“Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.”

Breakfast in Bed 2

2011-09-07T02:00:00.000-07:00

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Do not argue with an idiot

2011-09-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

Do not argue with an idiot.
He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.