Friends fear the worst for 31-year-old Liam Blackley, after he ‘vanished’ from the social network yesterday afternoon.

Police refuse to enter MySpace without armed protection

Blackley’s disappearance was first noticed when ex-girlfriend Charlene Winterton, 28, tried to tag a photo of him.

“We just come back from holiday in Spain, yeah? So I thought I’d tag my photos. But when I scrolled down to his name he wasn’t there. I wasted like 10 minutes looking for him,” she said.

Blackley was last seen on Facebook chat at around 3.30am on Monday, when he reportedly threatened to try and delete his account. He told a friend: “fuck it, I can’t be arsed. Everyone’s Halloween photos are shit and now it keeps asking me to ‘reconnect’ with me ex-girlfriend. Google Wave is meant to be better anyway. I just don’t think I can hear about Farmville any more - I can’t take it.”

Blackley’s brother, John, 23, said his family was frantic. “He’s not on Twitter and he dropped his phone in the toilet the other day so we can’t even ring to check he’s in before we go round. My Google Wave invite hasn’t come through yet. My mum’s beside herself.”

Blackley is described as being of a medium build with blonde hair and brown eyes, and a habit of missing out possessive apostrophes. Doctors today have confirmed earlier reports that ‘not being on Facebook anymore is effectively being dead.’

Post from: TechChuff

Police Manhunt Begins As Man Fails to Log into Facebook.

TechChuff can reveal that initially the proposal was to mirror traditional offline advertising methods by offering patients the option to have ’sponsored’ operations with surgeons and nurses in F1-esque branded scrubs. For example one suggestion would be to offer all men free labiaplasties but  brought to you in association with GM Motors and Relentless Energy Drinks - NO HALF MEASURES.  Other more inventive options would be to provide free face lifts on the condition you would have a Anchor Butter logo tattooed on your forehead.

So if they sign up here they can either get 100 Farmville Coins or cover their urgent liver transplant? Fuck Medicare!

However with brand marketing budgets still tight, the bill was revised to allow Internet Advertising to cover the cost of all procedures across the country.  Our medical correspondent was quick to opine:

“This is fucking wicked. This bill will allow everyday Internet -addicted Americans to get their critical day-to-day gastric bypasses and sphincter-realigning operation for free.”

One option would see you get your lifesaving dermabrasion treatment by completing 5 simple offers online, such as signing up for a 14-day LoveFilm trial and then cancelling it immediately afterwards. Check it!

The next is a  ’Procedure Per Post’ kickback for bloggers. If you promise to write about your corrective bunion treatment on your blog and backlink to the clinic you get it for FREE!  Free straightened big-toes for all Americans!

Finally for more minor procedures such as being involved in a 10-car pile-up or getting cancer from your factory job, the hospital will provide a ‘Care Per Click’ scheme with a on-site computer terminal running their AdSense ads for you to click on. 50 clicks on some big medical keywords and you’ll have your lungs decollapsed in an instant!

TechChuff is also hearing rumours of a Freemium model being trialled already, where the procedure will be free but deliberately botched to leave you dependant on buying branded prescription drugs for the rest of your meaningless life.

Post from: TechChuff

Google Ad-Funded HealthCare Proposal Approved by Senate

Anil admitted he maintains this facade at all family events too.  When his Uncle Sunil asked how the ‘IT’ was going, without bothering to try and explain ‘cloud-hosted collaborative web 2.0 support tools’,  he just said that he got a lot of bust laptops this week to fix which had Uncle Sunil just nodding sideways in sympathy.

Yes mom. I work with RAILS

More and more IT-literate, Internet-savvy savants are turning their back on the traditional path of being an accountant, doctor, lawyer or indeed any profession your parents would get bragging rights to at a dinner party. As this trend continues the older generation still desperately hold onto the fact that their Oxford-educated child now “works in IT”, and their ensuing bemusement of what the fuck that actually means

“My mother has just a blank glaze when I try and explain anything I actually do. As I speak, it’s just the words ‘computer, computer, computer, hotmail’  repeated in her head.  She just thinks I have the same job as my 15 year old cousin and I spent my evenings untangling usb cables and manually posting her emails in the ‘Hotmail sorting office.’”

His mother collared us by the toilets to issue her response:

“Look young man, I do not know what exactly this ‘IT’ business’  is. My son could have been doctor or lawyer but now he does IT. IT is ok. IT is fixing my Hotmail. IT is using soldering iron. IT is ok career. Cousin Sanjay is in IT too. But you know his father was a very good doctor?”

Surveying a cross-section of confused and slightly disappointed mothers, TechChuff was able to draw the following statistically insignificant results on what your mum thinks you do based on your inflated business card title and mumbled dinner-time explanation.

CEO of Web 2.0 Start-up: Fixes computers.

CTO of Blue Chip Technology Group: Fixes computers

Digital Media Agency Director: Prostitute

Social Media Expert: Prostitute.

Head of Strategy at eBay: Packing boxes of beanie babies in the eBay ‘warehouse’.

User Experience Evangelist: Gospel Preacher

Product Manager at Gmail: One of those nice Nigerian chaps who sends me those weight-loss offers all day.

Online Marketeer: QVC Presenter

Visual Design Lead: Tracer.

Developer: Builder

Luckily for us, our mum assumes we work at the Daily Mail rather than writing this shit. PHEW!

Post from: TechChuff

Internet Entrepreneur’s Mother Still Assumes He ‘Fixes Computers’ For Living

As one of East London’s foremost self-proclaimed geeks, I was naturally one of the first to place an order for a Kindle. If I’m honest, though, I don’t really get it. What’s the point of trawling through pages and pages of Dostoevsky if the guy sitting opposite you on the tube can’t see how clever and well-read you are?

RM, Old Street.

The adult version just replaced the word 'wand' with 'wang'.

Dearest RM,

Ah, the folly of the slavish, whorish gadget junkie. Making people realise you’re clever is hard, these days, isn’t it?

The answer to your dilemma is, of course, to wait for a bit. Lady Chuff doesn’t wish to disappoint, but you know as well as she that it’s a rare idea Google doesn’t shamelessly pilfer, then improve upon to make it irresistible to the masses.

In fact, we have it on very good authority that Jonathan Ives and Google are currently hard at work on an aesthetically pleasing Kindle-smashing collaboration: it will feature two screens – an LCD one to read off, and a high-visibility HD version on the reverse which will showcase Book Artwork, created for the sole purpose of showing the world you are currently embroiled in a rare work by Plato. In fact, my source tells me you’ll even be able to swap it over – the electronic equivalent of teenage boys hiding porn magazines in the pages of heavyweight eighteenth century political texts.

Until then, though, R, the only way to impress upon the world just how erudite you are will remain to sellotape the cover of the book you are reading to the back of the Kindle. This will have the effect of making you appear charmingly postmodern: a sort of literary version of those Cath Kidston Roberts radios. With a pioneer like you, I’m sure it’ll catch on.

Post from: TechChuff

The Chuffington Post Part 2: LadyChuff answers her swollen mailbag

Post from: TechChuff

Do people like posts based on witty headlines without even reading the article?

Fred’s boss, a millionaire ex-milliner was shocked to discover that despite Fred claims in interview, he arrived at work without a hat on his head.

“He sat there and told me his great strength was the ability to ‘wear different hats’ at work. He said he had a ‘marketing hat’, a ‘technology hat’ and an ‘analytical hat’ - all of which he would put on in our project meetings. I was pretty excited. He seemed like he had a great chapeaux collection. I imagined a fedora, a pillbox, a fleet of berets or a straw boater, I even fascinated that his ‘analytical hat’ was a vintage 1930’s Panama. I was fucking sorely disappointed.”

The lime hat is the most important hat for any organisation.

Fred was faced on his first day with a red-faced CEO spluttering at the door, “Good GOD man. I can see your bloody pate. WHERE IS YOUR HAT?”

After 25 minutes of careful explanation, pencil sketches and finger-puppetry, Fred’s boss finally understood the metaphor.

“That is fucking stupid. If you claim to wear a hat, WEAR A HAT. You want to wear a ‘project manager’s hat’ in my fucking meeting then you are wearing a goddamn yellow hard hat. And you’ll like it. I’m the CEO so I’m going to start dressing as a circus ringmaster and wearing a flipping top hat to work. “

Whispers that Black-Hat SEO experts all wear brown flat-caps is still rumoured to be true, while ‘I’m wearing my trucker hat to this meeting’ still means you are a douche bag regardless of meaning.

Post from: TechChuff

CTO Who Claimed He ‘Wore Two Hats’ at Work Fired for NOT WEARING A HAT AT ALL.

The Spambot, Zombie Net and Web Phishers Union (SZNWPU) said it would back a strike by postal workers, after the threat of added security from new technology developments such as Microsoft Security Essentials, became ‘too much’.

Morpheus. Why do you keep offering me the blue pill?

“We just can’t see any alternative any more,” explained union leader BigJamie23. “We live under the constant threat of modernisation. We work on commission, but the chances someone will actually be stupid enough to enter their card details into a site which looks as though it has been made by a brain-damaged two-year-old are becoming slimmer and slimmer by the day.

“We’re overworked, underpaid and not enough of us are allowed to ride bicycles.”

But Barry Bertison, benefactor of the European-British Mega Jackpot Winnings Lotto!!!!!!!!!! which relies on a random email balloting system to source contact details for winners, said the strike could affect his organisation.

“We use these authorised Spambots to randomly select lucky winners of our MEGA JACKPOT WINNINGS LOTTO!!! and notify them that they have won MILLIONS of their GREAT BRITISH POUNDS. How else are we supposed to notify our randomly-selected winners that they have won these MILLIONS of their GREAT BRITISH POUNDS?

“We’re just trying to provide a service: by turning thousands of miserable poor people into happy millionaires, we’re virtually injecting virtually millions into the economy every month. I basically think the government should see negotiations with the Spambot union as top priority: I’m pretty sure for the UK, recovering from the recession will be much harder without us.”

Viagra distributors were quick to echo the sentiment today: “YES. MUCH MUCH HARDER”.

Post from: TechChuff

Spambots Join Royal Mail Postal Strike. Viagra Emails May be Delayed for Xmas

“The market is ready for such a move. Artists and record label want to make sure we are compensated for our work, like Mike Tyson’s new spoken-word album, and this darn music piracy is killing us and our gold-plated Learjet habit. Download our illogically-designed music application, select a track and then buy music with just fourteen clicks. Two weeks later we will deliver you the wax disk (or phonographic cylinder) and a swift punch in the kidney.”

Sony's Version of iTunes

Techchuff is still holding down Engadget’s huge boner over rumours that Sony will be releasing shiny phonograph-compatible hardware as well, starting with a wheelbarrow-sized Walkman. Engadget editor, Ryan Block, was priarpic with new-form-factor horn:

“LIKE OMG, like this thing is basically like 4 pizza boxes stapled together with a tow-rope to attach to your car. It weighs nearly 10kg AND it has a SWEET 4.3″ OLED screen. FUCKING OLED! Colours on it are so freaking awesome. You can almost smell them. UNBOXING VID!!!! GOTTA GO!!!”

Right. Sony also are to announce super-duper-hi-def audio format which is basically a player-pianola with the tracks ‘re-encoded’ onto perforated metal music rolls. ‘Crank that’ will be the first track available on this format for any Sony fanboy idiots still with no shame.

Sony’s next launch of live organ-grinding performances in your office to compete with Spotify, remain unconfirmed

Post from: TechChuff

Sony to Sell Albums Online on 78rpm Gramophone Disk to Combat Piracy.

The global community of gauche, shy and reticent people today announced they had been working on a special project called ‘socially awkward media’, comprising a suite of online services that will protect them from unnecessary attention, ridicule or judgement.

The new services – Facelessbook, NoSpace and Mumble – are designed to maximise anonymity while providing each participant with ego-boosting praise and encouragement. For example, across all services, instead of users being able to see how many ‘friends’ each person has every member will automatically be allocated 1,000 upbeat, supportive ‘friends’ who will either interact or back the hell off, depending on how the user is feeling.

The logo for Facelessbook

Status updates on ‘Facelessbook’ will always be greeted with huge amounts of appreciation, even worship, by the community, but no member will be expected to actually participate in any kind of extended conversation. As with Facebook, ‘events’ will be a big feature, but the only attendance option for those invited will be ‘maybe, um who else is going? Probably.’

Said developer Mike Newbury: “These networks have all the functionality that you’d expect from rivals such as Facebook, MySpace and Twitter, yet create a much more reassuring environment in which the easily cowed and embarrassed can operate. People forget in the hype around social media that this is just another front for the socially awkward to get a kick in the face from the popular people. We wanted to create a place where no one will ever have to constantly refresh Twitter to see if anyone’s reacted to that really cool thing they posted, only to find that no one cares.”

Even though the new services haven’t even been released yet, there have been signs of a backlash from the socially awkward community itself. Said Paul Jones, a skinny pale teenager with zero social skills and no hope of a girlfriend, from Aberystwyth: “Oh good, another square ghetto for me and the other geeks to hang around in. How soon is it going to be before all the cool kids come in and start stealing our virtual packed lunches?”

Post from: TechChuff

Shy people launch socially awkward media

My mate’s iPod will be showing off it’s eclectic selection of random 80’s party tracks and advanced ‘this track stops-next track starts’ mixing techniques on the big stage.  Also attendees will be treated to a special guest appearance of’ ‘my pissed-up friend messing around trying to find Take That’s new album’ which hopefully will bring an added element of ‘British pop’ mixed with ‘awkward silence as they accidentally hit pause‘  to the big night.

Max Headroom RealDoll is a hit.

A spokes person for Ministry of Sound stated:

“We had thought about going for a real human DJ  like Carl Craig or Pete Tong but we’d been impressed with your mate’s iPod and some of the playlists it had been loaded with from iTunes. To see a star like this rising from providing anemic James Blunt background music for dinner parties through to rinsing out a 2hr Abba-megamix set at your sister’s engagement bash is a real joy for someone in the industry like me.”

Despite the lack of being an actual DJ and having the ability to chose and mix tracks, promoters are keen to test out my mate’s iPod given they won’t have to source an endless supply of gak and groupies to fuel it through the night. Still we are hearing of hordes of nerdy Apple fanboys already queuing for tickets, harping on about ‘how they totally know the DJ’ to the bouncers.

TechChuff is also aware of a new pretender to the crown of ’surely we can just use my iPod’ genre of DJs. ‘My mate’s laptop with Spotify on it’ is now doing the circuit in offices around the country and soon could be on the decks at a local Bar Mitzvah near you, providing a neat mash-up of Lady Gaga and some really fucking annoying adverts.

Post from: TechChuff

‘My Mate’s iPod’ Secures DJ’ing Gig at Ministry of Sound