TNABACG

The new site

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:00:00 +0000

We've moved to jonmarthaler.com. Please join us over there.

You're missing out. We swear you are.

Join Me At My New Home

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 13:00:00 +0000

It's the end of an era, and I'm shutting this place down.

Well, not really; I'm just changing web addresses again, for about the third or fourth time now, but writing that doesn't allow me to lead off with "It's the end of an era," which for any writer is always fun. Really, I'm just making a change that I probably should have made three years ago. For those of you that don't want to read a thousand words, you can go there now; for the rest of you, allow me to explain, and allow me to meander down memory lane as I do.

Eight years ago, I got my start as a writer when my college newspaper, the Minnesota Daily, let me have a job as an opinions-page sports columnist. Until then, I was in a category that, thanks to the blog/social media revolution, doesn't exist any more: someone who could write, but just didn't, not very much.

I wrote a bunch of columns there. Some of them were good and some of them were okay and some of them haven't aged very well at all. One of them even won me a regional "Best Sports Column" award. I still have a letter somewhere from the University of Minnesota journalism school, congratulating me for that. They spelled my name wrong.

As that year ended and I graduated and was going onto graduate school, I wanted to keep writing. I did what everyone was doing at the time: I started a blog. It had a stupid name, because that's what blogs did back then. At first it was on LiveJournal, because I had friends who had LiveJournal accounts. Soon I ported everything over here to Blogger. And for awhile, I got very serious about blogging.

Starting in the spring of 2006, I wrote at least one post every day. At the beginning of 2007, I started writing more than one post per day. And starting later that year, I started pounding out more than 100 posts per month. I wrote about everything I could think of and a lot of stuff I knew nothing about, and for awhile I was my very own online, poorly-sourced, erratically-edited newspaper.

It was fun, but not all that good, and definitely not sustainable.

Back then, this was a sports blog, a real live site that could theoretically even exist outside its sole author. Now, though - it's really just a personal site. Most weeks, I put up a link to my Twinkie Town column on Monday. Saturday, I post the weekend links that I send to RandBall. The writing, it lives elsewhere. Every so often, I'm moved to write about something that doesn't fit either place - mostly cricket, these days - but ultimately I'm just using this site for self-promotion.

I'd always wanted to try to build my own WordPress-enabled site, and as a tech guy, it was starting to reflect badly on me that I hadn't done so. And this time, when I went to pick a name, I decided to stay sensible. It would be a personal site, so I might as well go self-centered with the name.

And so, we now launch JonMarthaler.com.

(You can tell that this is supposed to be important, because I put it in a one-sentence paragraph. Don't tell me that I haven't learned anything about sportswriting.)

The content will be the same, which is to say that it'll continue to be mostly links to other things that I've written.
The site looks pretty much the same, which is to say boring. It turned out to require a surprising amount of handwritten CSS to keep it looking boring.
If you're a person that reads this site via RSS, the new feed is right here.
If you're the kind of person that likes sharing stuff on social networks, the new site has got those fun Like and +1 and Tweet buttons built right in. My goal is to someday get someone to click on one of these buttons.
Comments are open now. For those of you who commented on Star Tribune blogs in the days before you had to be registered to comment, that's exactly what it's like over there now. I plan to be horrified by the amount of comment spam I get.

In closing, a plea: Please join me over there. I've honestly been surprised that anybody ever reads this site. I hope you'll continue over there.

Once again: JonMarthaler.com.

Joe Mauer's Greatest Fears

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 08 Aug 2011 17:00:00 +0000

The Twins are not doing so well, so I'm falling back on my favorite dead horse: teasing Joe Mauer for being boring. (I'm a real jerk.) According to the Target Field scoreboard, his greatest fear is "disappointing his parents," which is an answer that's almost unfathomably designed to make my mom get mad at me for making jokes about Mauer.

Nevertheless, that's what I did.

Bill Smith and Mike Rizzo Try To Make A Deal

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 17:00:00 +0000

The MLB non-waiver trading deadline was Sunday, and there were plenty of rumors involving Twins center fielder Denard Span. Most of the rumors had him going to Washington, with the Twins apparently demanding closer Drew Storen in return. The entire trade was up in the air and didn't happen, and by Monday, we found out that the Twins were demanding players besides Storen for Span, while the Nationals were demanding players besides Span for Storen.

With this in mind, I wrote down a transcript of a discussion from an alternate universe, in which Twins GM Bill Smith and Nationals GM Mike Rizzo haggle over a used car, unsuccessfully.

You have to admit, it's probably closer to the truth than anything else.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 17:00:00 +0000

This week, the weekend links were written from Ortonville. You can really see the Western Minnesota flavor, can't you? No? Hmm, it's not coming through. Anyway, these appeared as usual at RandBall, your home for baseball road trips of all qualities.

It's Saturday! Rand's on the Great Baseball Road Trip, I'm on the Average Non-Baseball Road Trip, so let's just go straight into the links:

*We begin this week with the baseball trade deadline, which is on the mind of all Twins fans this week as we all try to figure out whether the team should buy, sell, stay put, or try to leave Tsuyoshi Nishioka behind on their current road trip. John "Twins Geek" Bonnes thinks the Twins should consider trading Denard Span for Nationals reliever Drew Storen. I agree 0%, but his reasoning is interesting. Nick Nelson, on the other hand, thinks that the Twins should stay put, and if they make a comeback then great. (I agree 100% with this one.)

*Nelson also thinks that the Twins should quit being so patient with the awful Nishioka, something else I agree with. And while we're at it, Parker Hageman breaks down Michael Cuddyer's pitching, yet another skill in the arsenal of the guy who's been the team MVP this year.

*I've argued with many people about the paying-college-athletes debate, and so I won't go into it any further here. Nevertheless, let me point out that America's greatest sportswriter, Joe Posnanski, agrees with me.

*And finally: Canis Hoopus commenter KGMN went through and put together video clips of his top 68 plays of the Timberwolves season. Be warned that loading all 68 videos will likely make your computer and internet connection groan in pain for awhile, so be careful.

There's also some Derrick Williams and Ricky Rubio extras in there, which should get you excited for 2012-2013. The season's only 15 short months away!

That's enough for me; enjoy your weekend. It's supposed to be hot, but slightly less hot, and so maybe we can enjoy summer instead of being burned alive, for once.

Trade Deadline Week, The Headlines

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Today at Twinkie Town, it's the beginning of the week leading up to the trade deadline. I have no idea what's going to happen - today's rumors were sendig Denard Span to the Nationals, which would be incredibly stupid if the Twins actually did it - but not knowing what's going to happen didn't stop me from writing some fake upcoming headlines for the week.

(Fake headlines seem to be my go-to this year when I can't think of what to write.)

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 17:00:00 +0000

This week's RandBall column was written on a dark Saturday morning, with the first India-England Test match going on in the background. As I'm sure you can imagine, I got engrossed in England's attempt to shift Rahul "The Wall" Dravid, and therefore didn't write much in the links this morning. So it goes. Anyway, these links appeared first at RandBall, your home for avoiding the follow-on on the internet.

Good Saturday morning to you, the dedicated weekend readers of StarTribune.com. It's a bit of a rumbly Saturday out there, a warm and stormy July day, so let's dispense with the pleasantries and get straight on with a bit of reading while the storms roll through:

*We must begin this week with Chris Kluwe's response about the life of a punter (warning: punters use bad words sometimes, kids.). Kluwe was taken to task by former Broncos tight end Nate Jackson for, effectively, daring to speak even though he's a punter. But Kluwe's a good writer, he's funny, and he simply doesn't care what Nate Jackson thinks - and the result is great.

*In pirate news, Spencer Hall went down to Key West to interview college football coach Mike Leach - and ended up on a fishing boat with Leach for eight hours. Key quote from Leach: "Fish aren't smart. It's not like they have advanced degrees." You have to admit, his point is inarguable.

*In Twins news, Jesse at Twinkie Town looks at Tsuyoshi Nishioka's splits from each side of the plate, and concludes that maybe someone should tell Nishioka never to hit right-handed again. He also breaks down, by position, the average amount of time it takes players at each position to reach the majors - and applies it to the Twins' top minor-league prospects.

*And finally: if you're looking for a little more whimsy in your Twins links, how about your two new favorite Twins animated GIFs?

That's enough for this week - please, enjoy your Saturday. Rand will be in with the Great Baseball Road Trip ruminations all week. Be sure to get any and all Carolina-related jokes ready for the comments.

A Questionably-Sourced Bio Of Scott Diamond

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Talk about things spiraling.

Sunday afternoon, I was still figuring out who was going to pitch the next day's doubleheader for the Twins, so that I could write the game preview threads for Twinkie Town. Around then, the team announced Scott Baker was headed to the disabled list, and that lefty Scott Diamond was on his way to Minneapolis to start Monday's nightcap.

This caught me by surprise. And the Twinkie Town interface didn't have a single bit of info on Diamond. Usually we at least have access to a little widget that shows a photo, height and weight, and that sort of basic information. This time we didn't.

So I started making up my own biography for Diamond. About the time I wrote, "His mother was a Cape buffalo and his father was a bolt of lightning," I realized that purely by accident, I had stumbled into potentially the silliest post I'd ever write. So that became my Monday column: A Questionably-Sourced Bio Of Scott Diamond.

Monday morning, I got an email from Greg Layson of the Guelph Mercury, Diamond's hometown paper, requesting that I call. I did, and we chatted about why I'd choose to write something so goofy, and about why the Twins had so many Canadians.

The resulting article marked three milestones:

It's the only time I'll ever be quoted in the same article as the father of a major-league baseball player.
It's the only time I'll ever be quoted making fun of myself in a newspaper in another country.
It's the only time I'll get a chance to suggest that the Twins are more Canada's team than the Blue Jays are.

The internet is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 17:00:00 +0000

This week in the weekend links, I write about the strangeness of sportswriting, and attempt to make up for foolishly forgetting about the Women's World Cup. As always, these links first appeared at RandBall, your home for deleting not-terribly-funny similes and saving both of us.

It must be hard to be a pro baseball reporter. They end up having to take part in this great kabuki, The Dance Of The Postgame Quote, in which nobody (except Ozzie Guillen) ever says anything interesting. After Matt Capps completed the final stage of his transformation into Ron Davis, those reporters had to go down to the clubhouse and talk to Ron Gardenhire. And one of them had to take one for the team and ask Gardy if he was about to replace Capps as the closer. And then everybody got hit with the shrapnel as Gardy jutted out his jaw and got mad at the question like he always does. And then all those reporters headed back upstairs to write what they were going to write anyway. It's a goofy game they have to play. (As you can see from that lede, I couldn't do it.)

But that's not why you called, so on with the links!

*It seems like a good week for a bit of American legend Spencer Hall. In fact, let's have a double dose: first, in his own inimitable style, Hall compares ESPN's short-lived disciplining of writer Bruce Feldman to Chiang Kai-Shek handing out watermelons. Second, Hall takes to the road to visit the great state of Oklahoma and do some catfish noodling. It'd be hard to find a writer anywhere as consistently fascinating as Hall.

*This week, six more college hockey teams announced they were breaking away from the WCHA, forming the American National Generic Hockey Conference Association, or some other equally generic, vague, and meaningless name. Chris Dilks at the Western College Hockey Blog has been making fun of them every step of the way. I've tried to decide on my favorite post from the saga, and I think it's this one. Or maybe this one. It's hard to say.

*And finally: the Empire State Building will display the colors of whichever team wins Sunday's Women's World Cup Final - even if that team isn't the USA. On the one hand, fair's fair. On the other hand, for somebody who a couple of weeks ago forgot entirely that the Women's World Cup was even being played this summer, I'm not very happy about this. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Seriously, though, I know I'm always exhorting you to pay attention to some overlooked sporting event or another, so this plea may fall on deaf ears. That said, I'm sure there are people out there that don't want to watch Sunday's final (1:45 pm, ESPN), simply because it's women's soccer. If that's what you think, then you now and me three weeks ago aren't that different. I forgot the World Cup was even happening; now the final is must-see TV. Flip over when you get a chance. The British Open will probably be over by then. Give it a try.

Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau Don't Know What To Do Today

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +0000

Today's a tough day, sports-wise; about the only thing going on is the Home Run Derby, a fun idea that turns out underwhelming, every year. Also, for the first time since 2005, neither Joe Mauer or Justin Morneau is on the American League All-Star team. So today at Twinkie Town, we imagine what they might be doing today.

It's nice to be writing goofy things again.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 17:05:00 +0000

I'm always fascinated by the headlines that Rand chooses for my posts. For example, the headline he chose for today's edition - which is below, but appeared first on RandBall - is "What makes a good color commentator + Matt Capps' struggles". Which is fine, except that the post also includes British automotive shows, hockey, and Canadian football. I feel bad for poor Mr. Rand - he has to try to come up with a headline that will draw people in to my goofy collection of links. He has a hard job.

Happy Saturday! I've been thinking about Rand's post about Tom Kelly in the broadcast booth, which touched off a discussion about what makes for a good color commentator. Near as I can tell, there are two things that make for a decent color guy on a sports telecast: first, less than ten games of experience in a broadcast booth, and second, a distinct inability to filter the content of what you say. Every person who becomes a color commentator for more than ten games eventually gets polished and bland, and starts saying the same things over and over again. Meanwhile, you stick somebody like Kelly in the booth - who knows baseball, and who couldn't care less about anybody hearing what he says - and it's gold. Another example: when FOX put Al Leiter in the booth for the NLCS while he was still playing, he was a joy to hear as a broadcaster. Now that he does regular work on the MLB Network, he can put you to sleep in three seconds flat. Lack of experience and lack of a filter - that's the key.

But that's not why you called. On with the links:

*First, I'm not sure that automotive "journalism" fits into the sports category. Second, I'm pretty sure I've cajoled you on behalf of this show before. Nevertheless: Jalopnik put together a viewer-curated list of the ten best episodes of "Top Gear", a British automobile-related television show that includes equal parts wildly inexpensive cars, stunning film photography, and British people running into each other and falling down. (Think Benny Hill, but in a Bugatti Veyron.) I find the show delightful

*At least one person thinks that hockey's about to be America's winter sport again, and not just because the NBA might not play again for awhile. The post strikes me as a bit over-optimistic, but he's right about one thing - the NHL is a lot more fun to watch than it was fifteen years ago, the last time it was poised to "break through."

*Since Parker Hageman examined Matt Capps's extremely hittable fastball, the portly righty has finished two games in a row without allowing so much as a hit. That said, this was mostly due to Chicago's hitters only blasting the ball as far as the warning track, rather than out of the park, so it's not as though the problems are over for Capps.

*And finally: if you want to know why the Twins have beat the White Sox nine times in a row, this picture might sum up the whole thing. And if you're just getting into the "planking" craze, I have some unfortunate news for you: when Canadian football players start using something as a touchdown celebration, that particular fad is probably over.

That'll do it for me - stay cool out there. I'm already sick of the heat. When will fall be here?

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 17:00:00 +0000

This post was written on Thursday pre-July 4th weekend, though it appeared on the 2nd. This is always tougher because I have to choose subjects that Rand won't link to or talk about - hence, the mini-essay about soccer television ratings. One of these weeks I'm just going to write entirely about super-niche sports - Australian Rules football, South African rugby, and that sort of thing - and I'll see if Rand actually puts it up. Anyway, the following appeared first at RandBall, everyone's favorite Independence Day sports blog.

Happy Fourth of July Weekend! If Memorial Day is the official beginning of summer, then Independence Day marks the weekend when you realize that summer is slipping through your grasp and is in fact already one-third over. That summer list you made - you know, back in February when you were stuck inside and cursing your lot in life - is starting to look a bit daunting now. Let's face it: you are not going to buy a motorcycle and ride it to Saskatoon, just for the pure thrill of the open road. You have chores to do. But you can still spend a weekend sitting in a lawn chair and blowing stuff up, and frankly, isn't that all you really wanted out of summer, anyway?

On with some holiday weekend links:

*John Bonnes looks at the Twins' lineup cards this year and comes to a realization - they're almost like snowflakes, not a one alike.

*Meanwhile, Parker Hageman examines Scott Baker's season, looking for the reasons that the shoulder-slumping righty is so much better this year than last.

*In television news: last week, I encouraged you to watch the Gold Cup final between the USA and Mexico. For those of you who did, and had to squirm through the home team's embarrassing 4-2 loss to the Mexicans, I apologize... but you were not alone. Almost nine million people watched the game - more than Game 7 of the Stanley Cup and almost as many as the final round of the US Open. Now, eight million of those viewers were watching the Spanish-language broadcast on Univision, which indicates that Mexico's presence in the final may have been a driving factor in that number. Even so, to me it's yet another indication of soccer's status as a non-niche sport in America.

*And with that in mind, it's time for Episode 2 of the NSC Minnesota Stars documentary, in which the crew talks to team CEO Djorn Buchholz, and interviews midfielder Ely Allen, who managed to give himself a possible concussion in the kitchen. Also look out for interviews with assistant coach Carl Craig, the only person in the video whose language had to be edited. (He's from northern England, so I find it hilarious; he sounds like's about to jump through the screen and smash a pint glass over your head.)

That's enough for the Fourth - now get out there and get those fireworks! No, not those. The good ones. You know the ones I mean.

Twinkie Town: Book Review Time!

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 13:00:00 +0000

Usually at Twinkie Town on Mondays, I write a sarcastic joke post in the morning, and then a serious game recap following the game in the evening. Well, this time around I started the day off with a serious review of Alex Halsted's "100 Things Twins Fans Should Know & Do Before They Die."

Then, that night, the Twins lost 15-0 to the Dodgers... and I couldn't help myself from writing my most sarcastic game recap ever. These things happen, I guess.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 25 Jun 2011 15:46:00 +0000

This week in the weekend links, I forget about the women's World Cup, we talk soccer, and local humorist Stu makes fun of Joe Mauer. It's all happening! As always, these first appeared at RandBall, your home for goofy pictures stolen from the internet.

Ah, summer; it's a time for baseball, and for the NBA and NHL drafts, and for breathless, pointless coverage of NFL minicamps. For those of us who are soccer-inclined, it's also a time for international soccer, and for USA fans, it's a Gold Cup summer. Quick summary for the uninitiated: the Gold Cup is a biannual soccer tournament in which all of the North American and Caribbean teams play each other for three weeks before the USA and Mexico play in the final. The USA can't beat Mexico in Mexico, and the Mexicans usually have trouble winning in America, mostly because America helpfully schedules most of the matches for Ohio in February when it's about 23 degrees outside. (I think Bud Grant may coach the team.)

Anyway, the final is tonight, at 8pm, and while it's in America, it's at the Rose Bowl, which if anything is usually a road game for the USA. Unless you're really looking forward to the Rugby World Cup, this might be your one chance this summer for some good old fashioned nationalistic cheering. [Proprietor note: What our misogynistic friend meant to say was, the Women's World Cup also starts Sunday!]

And the first two links are about soccer in America, so away we go!

*Spencer Hall muses on the one-year anniversary of Landon Donovan's goal in the World Cup against Algeria, certainly the best USA soccer moment of the recent past. It turns into a few thoughts on what it means to be a fan. It's the same reaction I remember having at the time: that right there, that is why we are sports fans.

*The Run of Play thinks that soccer is like that woman you know you shouldn't chase. The only issue I take with this piece is that it seems to wonder if America will ever embrace soccer, a question that I find to be about ten years out of date. Occasionally, you still read the "soccer's about to catch on!" article, or the "America will never like soccer rabble rabble" opinion piece, but I have some news: while we were all talking about it, soccer arrived. Kids play it. The games are on TV. Die-hard crowds show up for MLS games across the country. Believe me, I know from niche sports, and soccer isn't a niche sport in America, not any more. Like it if you want, hate it if you want, but arguing about it won't change that it's already here.

*Enough about soccer; let's talk Timberwolves! Most of the local basketball literati had a strange reaction to the Timberwolves draft - they actually think there's now a light at the end of the tunnel. The Wolf Among Wolves blog is upbeat, always a surprising reaction for a Minnesota basketball fan. (Granted, this was before we found out that the Wolves had mistakenly drafted an ineligible player, which while unfortunate, is also hilariously funny - but still.)

*And finally: RandBall correspondent Stu is funny, which you already knew. Joe Mauer is boring, which you also already knew. But the former teased the latter for his dullness this week, and frankly, that's a combination that we like to see. Well done, Stu. Well done.

That'll do it for me; I'm off to make sure that RandBall correspondent Dave MN doesn't punch anybody in the face. (You know how he gets when discussions about hops get started.)

A Twins Advice Column For Imaginary People

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 20 Jun 2011 14:00:00 +0000

Today's Twinkie Town column is titled "Ask A Twins Coach," and is written in the vein of the long tradition of fake advice columns. It features Steve Liddle dealing with some self-esteem issues.

I'm not sure what else I can say to give you the correct idea, which is that this week's column makes no sense.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 18 Jun 2011 17:00:00 +0000

As always, this week's RandBall column - now with 58% more straw men! - appeared first at RandBall, your future home for the best NHL Draft coverage on the internet.

Now that Joe Mauer's back in the Twins lineup, I feel like we all need to sit down and have a little chat about our attitude towards his injury absence. Now, don't get me wrong; it was fun to make jokes about bilateral leg weakness, mostly because it seemed like such an absurd diagnosis. It didn't quite approach the time Matthew LeCroy was held out of the lineup with gout, but still, bilateral leg weakness was only about two clicks less silly-sounding than "housewives' knee." Even so, I was a little bit astonished by the number of people who confidently and happily expressed the opinion that Mauer wasn't hurt and was just being a wuss. Here was the cornerstone of the franchise, the much-beloved local hero, unable to play because a combination of (somewhat murky) factors had combined to rob him of all leg strength. Somehow, though, instead of causing mass panic, this translated in the minds of many fans into, "Jeez, what a pansy."

To those who've seriously questioned Mauer's toughness - and you know who you are - I suspect maybe you need to rethink your attitude. I know that bilateral leg weakness sounds goofy, and that since you can't quite imagine what it feels like, it's easy for you to conclude that it doesn't hurt at all. But if someone else's injury doesn't seem like it hurts, that doesn't make it any less ridiculous that you think it doesn't qualify as a legitimate injury for someone else.

Now that we've beaten the stuffing out of that particular straw man, on with the links!

*Spencer Hall continues his "The Amateur" series by taking part in an Indoor Football League practice (that, for confusing reasons, was held outdoors.) Specifically, he attempts to field an onside kick, which in all forms of football is akin to trying to catch a pork chop being tossed into the middle of a pack of coyotes. Poor Spencer nearly has his head cleaved from his shoulders, but there is video, which makes it worth it for us, the interested viewers.

*A couple of weeks ago, it seemed like the MLB Draft would be the only bright spot in an epic slog of season-long Twins disaster. Since then, the home nine has won a dozen games and brightened things up considerably, but that said, it's always fun to look at the guys that might be the future. John Sickels at Minor League Ball has a quick overview of the team's first ten picks; Aaron Gleeman has a short review as well. (Both are a little more positive than commenter Clarence Swamptown, who emailed me within minutes of the team's first pick, already comparing infielder Levi Michael to Todd Walker.)

*Parker Hageman points out that Delmon Young is holding his hands higher at the plate, which should assist him in getting a bit more leverage at the plate (code for "not hitting the ball weakly, like he's using a large stick of beef jerky.") I'd be more enthused about this, except that it seems like Delmon goes through this every year and it takes the coaching staff two months to convince him that swinging with his eyes closed, or whatever his problem happens to be at the time, isn't the answer. I just wish it was up to a different team's coaching staff, is all.

*And finally: CNN sure doesn't think much of Vancouver. Given that they continue to employ Alex Burrows, I have to say I agree.

That's enough for this weekend; enjoy your Saturday. Rand will be back in on Monday, no doubt kicking off a week's worth of breathless NHL Draft coverage here at RandBall.

Upcoming Twins Headlines

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Thu, 16 Jun 2011 14:00:00 +0000

This week at Twinkie Town, I've written up a handful of possible upcoming Twins headlines. As always, even when the Twins have won ten of twelve, it's more fun to goof on the team's future possibilities than it is to face up to the realities - that everybody's hurt and the team needs to win fifteen in a row to get anywhere near contention.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Here's your latest edition of the weekend links, which as always appeared first at RandBall, your home for recycled content about Dan Cloutier from years ago.

This week, Grantland launched, which Rand covered in some detail last night. This requires an official Weekend Links Policy Decision: I will not be linking to Grantland articles. Don't get me wrong, the site is really, really good - so good that I'd do nothing but post links to Grantland, if I included them. The site goes into the same category as Joe Posnanski and Steve Rushin - required reading. Here's their RSS feed, here's their Twitter feed; follow them.

On with the links:

*I really enjoyed Robert Lipsyte's memoir excerpt about his encounters with Bob Costas. I find Costas to be kind of a fascinating character - he's obviously a wonderful and likeable character, only he has kind of Mike Lupica streak in him that sometimes seems to respond to any slight, no matter how small, with bomb-throwing.

*Parker Hageman often studies the Twins videos and is able to explain, with examples, of why a certain Twins player is struggling. This week, he's examined Danny Valencia, and we've reached a first - Parker has no idea what's going wrong. This is almost more exciting than usual!

*The other Twins links for this week: John Bonnes talks a little about Run Expectancy, which is always good; Hageman looks at Delmon Young, and this time, has some answers; and Alexi Casilla's sudden hot streak is studied, to see if it can actually keep going.

That'll do it for me; now please, enjoy your Saturday, despite there being no Stanley Cup or NBA Finals game tonight, for some stupid reason. Someone should schedule these things better.

The 2011 Twins, In The Spirit Of The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 14:00:00 +0000

You may be aware of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, the nearly-three-decades-old annual awards for composing the worst possible opening sentence for a novel. For example, here's last year's winner:

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss--a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

Truly rancid, I think we can agree. And it's in that spirit that I've composed some opening sentences for the story of the 2011 Twins. It's over at Twinkie Town, and frankly, I'm surprised I haven't previously come up with the simple expedient of intending to write bad, bad sentences.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 04 Jun 2011 16:00:00 +0000

It's time once again for the weekend links, which as always appeared first at RandBall, your home for rampant positivity in the face of all facts.

This year's Stanley Cup Finals are reminding me once again that maybe I need to back off the hate a little. I think it's pretty common for passionate sports fans to develop a dislike of other teams; in rare cases, this can eventually lead to a hatred of the entire rest of the league. And that leads to internal arguments like, "Well, Boston's fans are entitled whiny jerks, but Vancouver is the city that brought us Mattias Ohlund and Alex Burrows and Todd Bertuzzi and Brad May, making it possibly the worst city in the Western Hemisphere." Frankly, this doesn't make me want to sit down and watch the Finals, even though it's the apex of the hockey season. It makes me want to halfheartedly pull for Boston to win while Vancouver drops off into the Pacific Ocean and eventually becomes a protectorate of Vladivostok. I think I'd enjoy things more if I didn't hate either team.

On with the links:

*In keeping with the hockey theme, Sports Illustrated's Richard Deitsch wrote a nice profile of Doc Emrick, currently America's top hockey announcer. I still miss Gary Thorne an awful lot, but Emrick's darn good too, mostly because he seems like he's the biggest fan of hockey in the world and just happens to have a microphone. I've noticed my favorites (Thorne, Emrick, Gus Johnson, Kevin Harlan) are the people who seem best able to carry a tone of genuine real live excitement into the broadcast - not manufactured, not yelling for the sake of yelling, but honestly able to translate the thrills of live sports through the microphone.

*In the wake of the media's discovery that West Virginia head football coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen likes a drink, Spencer Hall writes about his own family's experience in these matters. I have mentioned this before, but I really enjoy Spencer Hall's writing. You should too.

*I suppose only The Economist could, or would, connect the current FIFA scandals with the Cuban secret police and, in a larger sense, Britain's place in the world. On the other hand, this is a newspaper that once referred to football as "a sport that vaguely resembles rugby in wimpish armour-plating," so perhaps they're not the sages they claim to be.

*I suppose even the most optimistic Twins fans have given up on 2011, but Steve Adams at Twinkie Town knows that at least we can look forward to the draft. The problem with the baseball draft is that anyone the Twins pick will probably not crack the lineup before about 2015, but still, it's fun to imagine.

*And finally: we've all tried our hands at sports-related literary parody. (Well, I have.) Seldom, however, is it as well done as this. Key quote: "While the offense nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping / As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the clubhouse door. / `'Tis Nick Punto', I muttered, 'missing juiceboxes galore - / Only this, and nothing more.'"

That'll do it for me this week. Enjoy tonight's Stanley Cup game... if you can.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 28 May 2011 16:00:00 +0000

Editor's note: Here's another edition of the weekend links - this one for Memorial Day weekend, meaning that it was written right before vacation and thus was a bit hurried. As always, these links appeared first at RandBall, your home for AMERICA!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend! It's always nice when we get to kick off summer with rain and temperatures in the 40s, isn't it? [Editor's note: Rand inserted a comment here about it being 70 and sunny. It was cold and rainy on Friday night, though, which is what I meant.]. I've got a few links for your holiday weekend pleasure, and in the interest of not keeping you long, let's get right to them:

*Via Inside MN Soccer: Local company Brave New Media has partnered with the NSC Minnesota Stars to produce some behind-the-scenes videos. The first one for the year - covering the pre-season - is up. Admittedly, I'm even more of a soccer kisser-upper than Rand, but I still think it's fascinating - especially the story of defender Kyle Altman, who's deferred admission to med school twice so that he can keep playing.

*Over at Twinkie Town, Stu's got the news of yet another thing Kevin Slowey's responsible for. And if you're tired of watching the Twins blow leads, here's a list of other ways to spend your hard-earned money than going to the ballpark.

*The Gopher baseball team is attempting to work its way through the loser's bracket at the Big Ten tournament; they've won three in a row there, and now just needs to win three more in a row to take the tourney title. Never fear, though - they've got Luke Rasmussen and his over-the-top Minnesota accent, so I think they'll be okay. (If for nothing else, watch that video for what he calls the team's starting shortstop.)

*And finally: Nerd-hero web comic XKCD took on sports last week. Speaking on behalf of all of us: ow.

That's enough for a holiday weekend like this. Enjoy it and stay dry.

Twins Bullpen Callup Form Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 23 May 2011 15:00:00 +0000

The Twins have been calling up about two relievers a week yet, to the point that they should start having a quiz at the front gates: name all seven people in today's bullpen, get a free hot dog. With all of these callups, then, I imagine over at Twinkie Town what the Twins must be doing to keep their new recruits in the loop - and I think it might be a form letter.

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Sat, 21 May 2011 16:00:00 +0000

Editor's note: These are the links from May 21. They're being posted June 4. I can't necessarily say I'm proud of this. As always, these links appeared first at RandBall, your home for the best free posts on the internet.

Happy Saturday! Let's dispense with the pleasantries, shall we, and get straight on with the links:

*Canis Hoopus is into full off-season mode, and this week, they have an interview with arena host Mike Rylander, who's better known by his unofficial name amongst all people who've attended a Timberwolves game: "Holy smokes, is that Wally Szczerbiak?" Rylander's leaving to pursue better things, but it's still a good look at somebody who's been part of the game experience night in and night out at Target Center. (This is more than you can say about, say, Sebastian Telfair.)

*I don't know why this post - a 20-years-later look at a Belle Plaine HS baseball scandal that made the front page of the Star Tribune Metro section - is so fascinating to me. Maybe it's just nostalgia for 1991. Or maybe because this seems like such a quintessential small-town story - a non-issue that the whole town got caught up in and that ended up being a much, much bigger deal than it had any right to be. Whatever it is, I really enjoyed it.

*It turns out that skateboarder Tony Hawk is now 43 years old. This may make you feel old. It also turns out that he can still do a 900, 12 years after he did one for the first time. This may now make you feel lazy.

*Oh, those tricky St. Cloud State Huskies - you can't turn your back on them for even a minute.

*And finally: if you think that you'd enjoy a video of Alec Baldwin punching John Krasinski in the face over a baseball game, then have I got the video for you!

That's enough for this week; try to get out there and enjoy the weekend. Also try to forget that it was cold and rainy last weekend and is muggy and rainy this weekend, and in between when you were stuck in the office, it was gorgeous and sunny out. You won't be able to forget. But try.

Twins Math Problems

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 16 May 2011 14:30:00 +0000

Last week, it was set theory and Venn diagrams; this week, it's math-related word problems. My Twinkie Town columns seem to have taken a mathematical turn. Possibly because only mathematics can explain how bad the Twins are. Next week, we prove that we need only four colors to mark each worthless Twins catcher, such that no two adjacent catchers have the same color!

Weekend Links

noreply@blogger.com (Jon Marthaler) — Mon, 16 May 2011 13:00:00 +0000

The following edition of the weekend links was written while staring at a lake. This explains why it's so fishing-centric. I was also watching the Twins lose, which probably explains the rest of the links. As always, this appeared first at RandBall, your home for current events.

Happy fishing opener! I hope that somewhere out there, there's someone reading this after having been out on the lake at 12:01 am last night. To that person: I hope you caught your limit. And I hope you brought something warm to drink, because it was wintry out there.

On with the links:

*We'll start this week with an essay by Brian Phillips titled "Your Stupid Rage". It's an essay on insane fandom, or "hyper-partisanship," and it's the kind of thing that we sports fans should read once every three months, at least those of us like me that have the tendency to explore the far side and outer edges of fandom. Key quote: "And here's where I save your life. Because the truth about hyperpartisanship is that it is an absolutely miserable and unpleasant way to be a sports fan." I admit: I've been there. And it's a regular battle to not spend all my time there.

*This week's edition of Parker Hageman's regular analysis covers Michael Cuddyer. Take a look at the video footage, and explore why Cuddyer's power has dropped down to almost nothing.

*If it's not an analytical Twins post you're after, then may I offer you a few screenshots from the Twins version of the Oregon Trail? (That's good stuff from the That's Twins Baseball blog.)

*And finally: remember Bryce Harper? You know, the teenage catcher in the Nationals organization that was reputed to be a combination of Johnny Bench, Carlton Fisk, Man O' War, and a full-grown grizzly bear? He was hitting .231 earlier this season in Class A, before the team discovered that his vision was so bad that he could barely see. Now he has contacts, and he's leading his league in every conceivable hitting category. I mention this, of course, in the hopes that the Nationals will bring him up to the big leagues, and are willing to trade Wilson Ramos back to the Twins. We'll even give them Matt Capps back. (Hey, they gave 31-year-old Jayson Werth a seven-year contract for $126 million. You have to admit, there's a chance they'd go for it.)

That'll do it for me. Now, get out on that lake. Those fish aren't going to jump into the boat and fillet themselves.