The Bilerico Project

Are you normal?

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 13:00:00 -0500

Imagine that all humans were produced on a production line of various human production factories around the world. Would all of the non-heterosexuals just be plucked right off the conveyor belt and tossed in to a pile labeled defects?

Most of us, gay or not, are raised to believe that non-heterosexuals are some sort of alternate human design (the design without the standard human feature known as heterosexuality). And this design is considered a deviation from the "normal" human design, which suggests that non-heterosexuals are defective. Or worse yet, not normal.

As far as I can tell, normal is actually a self-appointed status. Not surprisingly, there are many self-appointed-"normal" people with whom my views differ. It doesn't matter that I think these folks are not my kind of normal because they get to define for themselves what normal is. Furthermore, these self-appointed representatives of normal are not looking for the approval of non-heterosexuals for their beliefs anyway! Imagine that - they don't care what I think. What a novel idea.

Imagine that one day something unexpected happens in this pile of defective humans. One brave defective human being stands up, brushing herself off, and she climbs back up on that conveyor belt. She doesn't ask. She doesn't sneak. And she doesn't force her way there either. She stands up confidently, moves toward the production belt, and steps back on with grace and dignity.

Continue reading "Are you normal?"...

6 Sure-Fire Ways to Improve Your Relationship

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 16:30:00 -0500

Relationships are a team sport. Do you play well with others?

Here are six suggestions for improving your relationship.

Continue reading "6 Sure-Fire Ways to Improve Your Relationship "...

Am I Gay?

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:30:00 -0500

It was 1979 and I was 13 when the beautiful new girl in school, with long brown hair and green eyes, approached the locker next to mine. Obviously struggling to satisfy the lock she was trying to open, she turned to me and said, "Hi." She told me her name and said, "I'm new here." Out of the blue, my entire body flooded with what felt like a million butterflies all trying to get out at once.

It was at that moment that I knew there was something very, very different about me.

Ironically, that same year psychologist Vivienne Cass unveiled a 6-stage model of sexual identity development for gays and lesbians which would prove to be very handy information for a budding young lesbian like myself. Sadly, however, her research was not on my 8th grade reading list and I was left to figure all of this out by myself.

This six stage model by Cass describes a progression of phases that gay men and women go through as they "come out." This model is very useful in helping clarify where you are in terms of your "coming out" process. Because the model was created 30 years ago, there are also some cultural changes (greater acceptance and greater visibility of gays and lesbians) that I believe impact how a person navigates their identity.

Continue reading "Am I Gay?"...

(s)EXcapades: to hear or not to hear

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 14:00:00 -0500

Hi Michele.

So my question is what should I do? My gf and I have been together for 4 years, a bit rocky, but ok. One nite she was tipsy and started talking about her past sexual experiences. She talked and talked even after I said that I was getting uncomfortable. She was giving me details (boob size, nipple looks, taste of the ex's, 3 somes, specific times when she was doing things) Ok with that in mind, now when she is trying to become intimate with me- I have a mental flash of her with other girls. I am making rude comments about her previous sex life. It is totally ruining our sex life because of the flashs I keep getting then I don't want to continue. What should I do?

- Overloaded

Continue reading "(s)EXcapades: to hear or not to hear"...

Money Matters

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 13:30:00 -0500

After my husband and I got married we combined all of our money, accounts, etc. My husband left me in charge of our finances, which was fine by me. Recently he has started to criticize the way I do the finances and gets agitated when I put limits on his discretionary spending. I have offered to allow him to do the finances together or by himself and he flat out refuses. What is you advice?

MoneyMan

Continue reading "Money Matters"...

To Swing or Not to Swing

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 19:00:00 -0500

My partner and I have been together 10 years. About 6 years ago, we met a lesbian couple that we were attracted to so we decided to have an "open relationship" and try to "swing" with them (which never happened - they weren't into it).

We didn't discuss it again until 3 years ago when I met a "straight" woman who wanted to try being with another woman. My partner was ok with me flirting with this woman. She was even going to let me have sex with her. It never happened but I did kiss her. I'm glad we didn't have sex for several reasons.

Now 3 years later, my partner has met a lesbian and they have been flirting pretty heavy. My partner says I should be ok with it and let her kiss this girl, even have sex if it leads to it, because I should be fair and let her have her turn. I just can't seem to be "OK" with it. I was selfish when I tried it and I know that I hurt my partner, but she was "OK" with it because we had an "agreement".

I don't want to be "open" anymore. It's tearing me up, but do I let her do it to be fair? We have been having huge arguments about it, even discussed breaking up.

~ Torn

Continue reading "To Swing or Not to Swing"...

Sex: Part III

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Sat, 23 May 2009 12:00:00 -0500

When it comes to desire, the partner who is least interested in sex is the one who holds the most power in the couple's sex life. If you are a low-desire partner, this may come as a shock to you, because of the powerless feeling you experience over your own levels of desire. Most people with low-desire WANT TO DESIRE THEIR MATE. Therefore, it is important to recognize that if you are in a mixed-desire relationship, it is likely that you are frustrated, hurt and feeling powerless.

Continue reading "Sex: Part III"...

Pillar of Strength

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 19 May 2009 09:30:00 -0500

I've been seeing a lady for about two months now and all has been well. However this is the first relationship where i find myself being the man emotionally, and its left me feeling very guarded and unhappy with her. In simple terms i don't feel like i need her, like she needs me. I love spending time with her and the things we do together but my wall is staying up, for some goddamn reason and its putting a damper on the fun. How can one reconcile being the pillar of strength in a relationship with expressing the need to be dependent?

~ The Lady Pillar

Continue reading "Pillar of Strength"...

Why Regular Sex in Monogamous Relationships Is Important

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 09:30:00 -0500

So what's the big deal about sex? Some want it, some don't. Truth is, there are all sorts of things in life we want, but don't necessarily get. Why then, is sex perceived by so many as some sort of human right or fundamental ingredient in a relationship?

As it turns out, the way we are engineered as human beings reveals that sex has value that transcends the bodily pleasures we have come to enjoy as a result of these activities! There are several reasons why regular sexual activity in our primary, committed relationships is important. Read on to discover what some of these reasons are.

Continue reading "Why Regular Sex in Monogamous Relationships Is Important"...

Sex in Monogamous Relationships

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 14:00:00 -0500

Did you know that women are more receptive to sex when their feet are warm?

Lets talk about sex. After all, who doesn't like to talk about sex? This topic is so involved that I've written a three-part series on the matter to publish here on Bilerico Project.

Continue reading "Sex in Monogamous Relationships"...

Big Mammas

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 14:30:00 -0500

After reading the promo for a new webcast reality series, Big Mammas, I had to find out more about the Indiana-based lesbian couple behind this adventure.

The promo reads: "Jon and Kate Plus Eight meets Will and Grace. As self-made millionaire entrepreneurs, life partners Mandy and Amy have overcome nearly everything - from failing businesses and break-ups, to lifestyle acceptance in the Midwest - but they are about to face the biggest challenge of all: parenthood."

In talking with the cast and creators of this series, I discovered some very fascinating details about this couple that you will want to see unfold in their webcast reality series!

Continue reading "Big Mammas"...

How to get the spark back in your relationship

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 15:30:00 -0500

There is no more spark in my 7-year relationship and I would like advice on how to reignite it with her.

~ Sparkless

Sparkless,

I am really encouraged that you have a desire to get the spark back! It is common for people to reach a point in their relationship where they believe that a spark should self-maintain and then conclude that if (well, more accurately when) it doesn't, then the love must have run dry. It seems you get that this is not true.

Continue reading "How to get the spark back in your relationship"...

My Girlfriend's Kid

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0500

How much should I spend when dealing with my new girlfriend and her 6-year-old child? She is putting unrealistic demands on me. I never wanted children and don't really want to change my entire life around because now there is one around.

~ Kid-less

Dear Kid-less,

My short answer is this, if you don't like children RUN now before you get yourself in too deep. If you are considering a long-term relationship with this woman you better prepare yourself to share every day of the next 13 years (until the child is 18) with a developing young person who will require, and possibly demand, a whole lot of time, energy and resources.

Continue reading "My Girlfriend's Kid"...

Dating After 5 Years?

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 10:30:00 -0500

My partner and I have been together for almost five years and lived together for four but recently found out that she has been lying about some things and now she thinks the best thing is to spend time apart and separate everything but wants to basically start over in our relationship because we never really had a dating period or engagement period but I don't feel that we can just start over at the dating level. I am confused and hurt, trying to forgive her but it is hard to rebuild trust when we only now see each other on the weekend and talk on the phone!!She identifies that she wants to work on our relationship but starting over is not going to work for me. How do we sit down and try to work out a compromise??I feel as if I am going through a divorce but yet she still wants to see me and date????

--Confused and Hurt

Dear Confused and Hurt,

Unfortunately, dating is a foreign concept to many lesbians.

Continue reading "Dating After 5 Years?"...

Designing 2009

michele@bilerico.com (Michele O'Mara) — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:00:00 -0500

How can I make sure that 2009 is a better year for me than 2008 was?

~ Johnny B. Happy

Dear Johnny B Happy,

On the eve of yet another New Year, you have the choice to view this year with hope and optimism, dread and pessimism, or complete indifference. Where do you fall on this continuum? To improve 2009, I recommend you start the year off with a dose of optimism and hope. If you believe in the law of attraction (which is at the heart of the wildly successful book, The Secret, that was a big hit this year), what you think is what you get. If you start by thinking and actually believing that this is going to be a fantastic year, then you are leaps ahead of the rest of the world!

Continue reading "Designing 2009"...