The Bilerico Project

How Do I Come Out to My Parents Again?

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 18 Jan 2009 11:30:00 -0500

Hi Eric,

This month it will have been 8 years since I came out to my parents. It didn't go very well at all.

I sat down at the kitchen table with them and said simply "I'm gay" and that launched a truly stereotypical and cliched conversation/conflict. My dad was yelling and beating on the table as he said things like "How can you uphold the honor of the household?", "If you can get an erection then you can learn to have sex with women!" and "I don't want to hear any more about it until a good decision has been made."

My mom was less violent and angry but still upset. They both seemed concerned over the religious implications and their being embarrassed in the local community over having a gay son...

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How Can I Talk To My Parents?

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0500

More gay folks write to me for advice about how to have a relationship with their parents than just about anything else. And given how a lot of parents deal with their gay kids I'm impressed that their kids want anything to do with them. But we're all human and however hurtful our parents may be when it comes to dealing with the fact we're gay, we still want our parents to love us, know us, and support us--as you'll see in the letter that follows.

In my response, I offer some suggestions for how to start a dialogue, but I'm hoping you'll have some suggestions that I haven't thought of. So if you have suggestions please post them in the "comments" section.

Hi Eric:
I'm writing to ask how you would recommend I approach my not-so-open family. I've never talked to my parents about the subject of gay rights. I came out to them in March of 2007, and the response was... not what I expected. I was aching to tell the whole family, since my college graduation was coming up, and I wanted to be able to behave toward my girlfriend the same way in front of my family as I had been behaving in front of my friends for the last year. My parents, of course, already knew...

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Help! I'm Afraid to Come Out!

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0500

Hello Mr. Marcus,
I'm a 48 yr. old man who is in a long-term, loving, committed relationship with another man whom I live with. I'm out to all my friends and family and even some business associates. We live in a very conservative, Southwestern town. Since I'm a musician, a few months ago I posted a listing on a musicians board and separately met three other musicians. I got the four of us together and we've formed a band of sorts. They are all hetero with wives and children and live in the same town as I do.

I want to tell them I'm gay, but want to make sure my timing is right. Of course, under the circumstances, I didn't want to lead with that information since it might have been premature. (I never lead with it anyway, I'm an artist and a man who happens to be gay, not a Gay male artist.) I wanted to wait and see if we clicked musically before offering up this type of personal information. Living in a small town, I felt it was safer to be cautious. They both live very close to my house and well... you just never know what could happen.

Now, six encouraging rehearsals later...

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Chick with a... At Hillcrest High School

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 10:00:00 -0500

For the past few years I've volunteered with Live Out Loud, a New York City-based organization that does the kind of grass roots work that brings about change at the most local level. Live Out Loud "connects LGBT youth to leaders in the LGBT community through events and programs at area schools and universities." That translates into sending people like me to give talks at public and private high schools, colleges, and universities. I've also moderated panel discussions, and even hosted a poetry slam. Fun stuff.

Recently, Live Out Loud launched The Homecoming Project, which encourages gay folks to go back to their high schools (actor Alan Cumming hosts a great PSA about The Homecoming Project on the LOL web site). Why go? As Live Out Loud explains, there are three reasons:

• Serve as a positive example for LGBT youth;
• Empower young adults to reconsider the challenges and unspoken fears of growing up gay;
• Replace your old and uncomfortable memories of high school with new and positive experiences.

So a couple of weeks ago...

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Learning About Trans People

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 30 Nov 2008 10:00:00 -0500

My post last Sunday about rules for answering GLBTQ questions generated a heated back and forth over what trans people prefer to be called (among other trans issues). The exchange just confirmed for me that when I'm asked questions about trans people that I should stick only to the most basic answers and then refer the questioner on to other resources and/or people who know better. When I answer questions about homosexuality I rely heavily on my own experience and personal stories. When it comes to questions about trans people, I can't speak from personal experience.

Maybe it's a copout, but I think trans people should in general speak for themselves. That said, since "G" and "T" are part of what has become the GLBTQ movement, none of us benefits from remaining clueless about the experiences of the people who fall into categories outside the one (or two) in which we place ourselves.

By coincidence, last week I was given a copy of a profoundly moving documentary about trans people called Southern Comfort. I'm guessing that it's a documentary that's familiar to trans people (it was released in 2000), but I'd never heard of it before.

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GLBTQ&A Rules

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 10:00:00 -0500

This past week I did a presentation at the annual GLSEN Hudson Valley PrideWorks conference on how to answer the questions we all wind up getting asked by parents, friends, strangers, and colleagues (and often get asked over and over again until we want to scream!). For example:

• How did you know you were gay?
• Who plays the husband, who plays the wife?
• Why do gay people want to get married?
• How did your parents react?
• Don't gay people already have rights?

In preparing for the workshop (which was attended by about 50 people--mostly middle- and high-school students and a handful of educators and parents) I came up with a set of rules about how to most effectively answer the questions GLBT people are likely to be asked (like the ones I've been asked and answered over the past thirty years both personally and as an author).

It turns out that my list of rules was hardly complete. The attendees had a long list of additional suggested rules based on their own experiences. There was little time for the attendees to take notes, so I said that I'd write up a summary for this week's blog post so they could refer to "The Rules" whenever they needed to. So the following is the complete list (absent your suggestions). I hope "The Rules" come in handy for you, too!

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Eric & Barney Celebrating in Times Square

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:30:00 -0500

After Obama's acceptance speech and way past our bedtime, we couldn't resist the lure of Times Square. From our bedroom overlooking West 20th Street we could hear the roar of the crowd a mile north and decided to share our excitement with fellow New Yorkers. Times Square didn't disappoint. It was like a small town celebration, but with many thousands of people from all over NYC and visiting tourists from around the world. It was a jubilant (yet sober) crowd that cheered every time a stream of cars--horns blaring, passengers chanting the name of our president elect--passed through.

One car, carrying four twenty-something white guys, went by with one of the men giving the crowd the finger. We could have cared less. For a change, the night belonged to the fearless and hopeful (despite the apparent loss on Prop 8 in California). A few days shy of my 50th birthday, it's a thrill to feel inspired and proud to be an American--for the first time in a very long time.

SWEDEN? Not Sweden!

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 13:00:00 -0500

A little more than a week ago, a local ABC News anchor in Florida concluded an inane interview with Joe Biden by asking him about Barack Obama wanting to turn the U.S. into a socialist country like Sweden. Horrors! Can you imagine such a thing?

Have you ever been to Sweden or one of the other Scandinavian countries? I'm just back from a trip to Copenhagen (I could see Sweden from Copenhagen) where my friends scratch their heads over why we tolerate a government that seems indifferent to meeting the basic needs of all Americans.

A couple of years back, my Danish friend Jan, who has a wife and two kids, was complaining about having to pay a new fee of $125 a year for dental insurance. Wanting to be sympathetic and knowing Jan's love of good wine, I said, "I bet that's $500 you'd rather spend on a case of your favorite red." He looked at me puzzled because it turns out he was paying $125 for dental insurance for his whole family! (I pay my periodontist $200+ for each semi-annual visit just to keep my teeth in my head.)

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Shopping with Grandma & Sarah

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0500

As you may know from an earlier post, Sarah Palin has brought me closer to my late grandmother (who died three years ago at 102). The inspiration for the last post was Sarah Palin's decision to schlep her infant around at all hours of the night as a campaign prop. Grandma would definitely not have approved.

Now comes word that Sarah Palin's campaign wardrobe cost $150,000 (leaving aside the obscene hair and makeup expenses). Since the news broke, I haven't just heard Grandma whispering in my ear. She's been shouting from wherever her spirit resides: "What, is she crazy?"

Grandma was a very practical and frugal person, but that didn't keep her from dressing well and making certain her husband and two boys were always well turned out (which drove my jeans-loving dad up the wall). And she did it on my grandfather's working class salary, right through the Great Depression and beyond.

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I'm In Love! Why Can't I Tell Anyone?

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 19 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0500

hey eric: i have a few problems and lots of questions so this will probably end up being lengthy. i guess i'll start with my story. i am a guy and i have a boyfriend and we've been together for six months. no one, no friends or family members know we are together. everyone just thinks that we are close friends; we are.

i'm not gay because i still find certain girls attractive but i don't know if i can say i'm bi because this is the first time i've ever had feelings this strong for another guy. in fact i've never even felt like this before not even for another girl and this is definitely more than a platonic crush.

i've read your book "what if someone i know is gay" about eight times. it helped me a lot about figuring out how i actually feel about my boyfriend. i was a freshman in high school when i first realized i was curious and i am now a junior and totally in love ( i realize love is a strong word for a sixteen year old but i know exactly how i feel).

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Gay Cannibal! Health Warning Tattoos! No Gay Adoptions!

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0500

Earlier this week I sat at lunch in London reading through The Daily Mail and found some eye-popping headlines that competed favorably with page after page of horrible news about the world financial crisis.

So I thought I would share with you the three stories that stood out (I'm beginning to feel like my late Grandma Ethel, who loved nothing better than to bring my mother newspaper clips about the latest horror story involving small children who walked on frozen ponds and fell through and drowned or crossed a busy intersection and were mowed down by a drunk driver.)

First up was a story about a former Mr. Gay UK who murdered his boyfriend, then decided to marinate and cook him (well, parts of him)!

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Can't They Afford a Babysitter?

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0500

My grandmother has been dead for three years. But I still often hear her voice. It's not a sign of mental illness. I just knew her really well. By the time she died in her 103rd year, I knew her so well that I could guess with a very high degree of certainty how she would react to almost anything-- especially when it came to brides, bimbos, anyone with a big bottom, and especially babies.

Grandma adored babies, and had very strong opinions about their care and wellbeing. So while I watched the Republican convention-- and more recently the Palin-Biden debate-- I could hear my grandmother saying with just a hint (but, oh, such a hint!) of scorn in her tone: "At this hour of the night, why is she schlepping around that poor little Mongoloid baby? Can't they find a babysitter?"

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Why Aren't They Talking About Us?

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0500

Remember the good old days when we were at the heart of presidential campaigns? Back in 1992, there was President George Bush (The First) declaring on national television that gays are not "normal" people. Vice President Dan Quayle explained on "Good Morning America" that we'd made "the wrong choice." Pat Robertson said we weren't fit to be parents. And Pat Buchanan thundered that we deserved to die from AIDS.

And now? Except for some perfunctory questions from journalists during the primaries and a mostly forgettable TV special where six of the eight Democratic presidential candidates were quizzed by a gay panel, we've been absent from the presidential campaigns. (Yes, I know about California, but don't expect either Barack Obama or John McCain to say more than a few words, if that, about the marriage referendum.)

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Confused About God & Homosexuality

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 21 Sep 2008 12:00:00 -0500

Dear Mr. Marcus,

I've read The God Box by Alex Sanchez, right? And I was confused. The Bible does say men shall not lie with another man because of the sin, but at the same time how can you accept the lord in your life if you won't even accept yourself? Does that make sense to you, because now I am confused? I just want the world to accept me.

--Lots of Hope

Dear Lots of Hope,

You ask a very good question. And, you're right that it doesn't make sense. Reading through the Bible there's a lot that makes no sense at all. But figure that it was written 2,000 years ago by people who knew far less than we do today, who believed in things we no longer believe, in a language no one speaks (or writes) and it does make some sense that it would make no sense.

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Log Cabin Republicans: Building a Bridge to Nowhere

emarcus@bilerico.com (Eric Marcus) — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 09:00:00 -0500

Okay, so it's displaced anger. I can't punch out any of McCain's political operatives (the guy with the shaved head comes to mind). I can't tell Sarah Palin to just shut the #$@* up already about that bridge to nowhere! And the guy who's heading the ticket seems too pathetic and addled to inspire much more than disgust.

But gay people who belong to the Republic Party (if they can refer to the Democrat Party, I can call them the Republic Party and hope that they'll find it insulting) are an easy target, especially those who belong to the Log Cabin Republicans. Their endorsement of the McCain/Palin ticket inspires both disgust and fury.

Since I usually answer a question on Sunday, I thought I would have a look through my books to see whether I've ever addressed a question about the Log Cabin Republicans. Turns out that I have, but I only did so obliquely. Here's the question and answer from the 2005 edition of Is It A Choice?:

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