Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom

DAMN That Ground-Hog!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 08:42:09 PST

Damn The Ground-Hog!

Six more weeks of Winter! YUCK!
That's 12 here in Newfoundland! LOL

OK People... just when I start to get my Web Site up and running and when I'm really
in the mood to work on it... my Site Server has gone down!
Not only can I NOT get access to my Site... but it doesn't show up on the Internet either! It's just a DEAD LINK!
This is just what I need... Murphy's Law strikes again!
Guess I'll just have to concentrate on the PTC and PTR programs today...
I think I'm close to Payout on a couple of sites now... this is when it gets exciting...
when you see your efforts being rewarded... no matter how small.
Same goes when I see the number of visitors to my web site climb each day.

I hope they (Site Servers) won't be off-line long!

Till Next Time...
Have A Good One!

Have been actively working on my main Web Site this past few weeks.
These are the pages I have done so far.

WebSite Home Page
Ways To Earn Money On The Internet? Do they really work?
Tips On Saving Money
Please click on the Penny below
for Luck and Support.

Thank-You

Life's Story's

~ What Caused Our Second Divorce, And My Second Suicide Attempt (Sept/2005)
~ How I Ended Up Off My Meds And Why I Started Smoking Marijuana (Nov/2005)
~ What Led Me To Seeking Unemployment And Risking My Disability (Dec/2005)
~ 2006 In A Nutshell (Dec/2006)
~ 2007 Summed Up (Dec/2007)
~ 2008, Part 1, "The Crash!" (Mar/2008)
~ 2008, Part 2, "The Comeback?" (Coming Soon!)
~ Where I Am Today (Mar/01/2009)

Please check out 'My Favorite Inspirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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Hits For Money! Low $1.00 Payout!

Good-Bye January!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 09:31:43 PST

Good-Bye January!

Thank God January is over!
Doesn't it always seem like January is always the longest month of the year?

I know winter is far from over... especially here in Newfoundland.
January is usually the coldest month, in February we usually get a lot of snow storms, in March comes the freezing rain and in April .... well let's just put it this way... it is not uncommon to have snow May 24th weekend!
I'm still working hard on my Web Site, just completing my 4th 'page'.
It's VERY time consuming. Between going through all the programs I've joined
this past few years trying to figure out which ones are still active, what they are
about and what category they belong under. Problem is that most of these
programs (marketing and affiliate) I've done absolutely nothing with since I
joined them, so I have to setup each program... profile, info and Ad's
(depending on the program).

While doing that I am still trying to keep up with the PTC and PTR programs
that I'm a member of. I am getting close to payout on some sites.
This is when it starts to get interesting...
Will they Pay???

On the home front...
Things are relatively the same.
My daughter still is not talking to me and my son is still here with me.
My son and I get along together for the most part, but we have our moments.

He still fails to understand why I don't like going 'OUT' anywhere... my phone
issues... or why I get so tired sometimes. Certainly, nobody seems to understand,
so why should I expect him to?
Money is still really tight as I continue to try to catch up on my bills.
Sometimes I really feel like I am fighting a losing battle though. Just once I
would love to know what it's like to be able to make it from pay-day to pay-day
with money left in the bank and not have to 'borrow' from anyone to make it
through till pay-day. It seems like I just keep getting further and further behind!
Keeping my 'Cuz's' words in mind, I am trying to focus on how to get myself out
of this financial situation I am in, rather than sitting and dwelling about it,
wishing for a miracle.
Nope! If there is one thing I have learned in my life it's this...
"Be Careful Of What You Wish For!"
Some Examples:

When our best friend died on our Sofa, I WISHED for a new Sofa...
about 4 months later our house caught on fire and we LOST everything
(we were insured, thank God!)...
but I got my new Sofa!
When we were in a Financial Crisis (husband was off work) I WISHED for
money to pay our over-due bills... a few weeks later my father died suddenly
in his sleep, leaving me a small inheritance...
I got my extra money.

When I became tired and frustrated 'Doing' things for everyone else, not having
any time for me and what I wanted to do, I WISHED that for once I could be
alone and DO something I wanted to do, just for me, when I wanted to, without
having to worry about anybody else...shortly after I ended up divorced and living
alone (for the most part)....
but I can do anything I want, when I want to.

No, I've learned my lesson about wishing.I also believe in the philosophy of "One Day At A Time"...
and not the 'AA' version either. I just don't like 'planning' ahead.

Now obviously you have to make plans for appointments, travel, or special events...
I just don't like 'committing' myself to something that's a day or two in advance.

Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, or if we will even see tomorrow.
Yes, we can all go to bed and 'Plan ' to wake-up tomorrow morning to go about
our usual routines, assuming morning will arrive... and with No surprises from
Mother Nature... No Fires... No Crime or Accidents.
Anything can happen!

So... with all that in mind... I just concentrate on today (Try to anyway).
Working on my web site and blog has been taking up a lot of my time and it's
been great. Not only am I kept occupied with something I want to do and
enjoy doing, (which is what I need), but I also feel like I am working towards
helping myself (financially). Which is what I am trying to stay focused on.
I know that if I could just stick with it long enough, it will start working.

I just have to get more organized. I get sidetracked so easily.

Till Next Time...
Have A Good One!

Have been actively working on my main Web Site this past few weeks.
These are the pages I have done so far.

WebSite Home Page
Ways To Earn Money On The Internet? Do they really work?Ways To Earn Money taking Surveys Online
Tips On Saving Money You Can Find Me On Yuwie!

Please click on the Penny below
for Luck and Support.

Thank-You

Life's Story's

Please check out 'My Favorite Inspirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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Did Ya Miss Me?

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 09:26:57 PST

Jan/26/2010

Did Ya Miss Me?

Hi Everyone/Anyone...
It's been a few weeks since my last posting, so let me catch you up on things.

First thing I should tell you is that my daughter did NOT react to them poem I wrote her the way I expected her to. Instead I received an angry reply. She tore into me about not being there for her, family not supporting her, growing up with addictions... accusing me of being a alcoholic and addict. Stating that I need AA and/or NA.

I could not believe her reply, so I took a few days to get my thoughts in order, made notes and emailed her back. Politely, I reminded her of how MANY times these past few years FAMILY has bailed her out. I took her, 'hubby' AND pets in, TWICE in one year! How my sister outfitted her for the baby and the christening party she threw for her... not mentioning GIFTS... and financial aid.... YET she has never ONCE said "Thank-You" to ANYONE!
She stated that she didn't 'trust' me enough to leave her son with me... yet she is angry when I refused to babysit on a moments notice a few months ago when I hadn't seen him in over 6 months! I'm confused.
Anyway, bottom line is I've had it with her.
I'm tired of apologizing, begging and pleading to be a part of their lives.
They know where I live!

As I've stated in my last post, I could feel myself slipping into a depression,
and for a couple of weeks all I did was sleep... continuously! I barely ate.
My son started getting angry and getting on my case.
It was the 7th of January and the Christmas decorations were still up!
I had no energy for anything.

My cousin stopped in one day for a chat, (and to have a draw with me).
I told him about the situation with my daughter.
We talked about Worker's Comp and a few other things.
By the time he left I felt so 'Charged' or energized.
He just really pepped me up!

I've always believed that you should depend on nobody but yourself for ANYTHING! Just sometimes you tend to forget, and you start wallowing in self-pity and depression. Well he made me remember!

If I don't like the situation I am in it's up to me to find a way to change it.
I have to stop worrying about what other people think about me.
I have to concentrate on ME and what I NEED... AND...
I'll have to WORK/FIGHT to get it!

Before you knew it, my mind was racing....
However... First I had to get those DAMN decorations put away!

It took a week to get the decorations down, packed and stored!
Thank God that's done! (For another year anyway)

I got my pay and managed to put a bit of money on every bill...
except the Capital One card... that is not a priority right now.
It leaves me literally BROKE but at least it keeps the 'wolves' away for another while.
(My phone doesn't ring anymore!!!)

I've mentioned before how my Doctor said I needed a Hobby,
and I talked about the Pro's and con's of some of the Hobby's I use to do,
but don't anymore.
Well... I've found my Hobby... it's what I've been doing all along...
being on the Computer, only I'm going to try to make it a little more productive.

You see, a few weeks ago (just after cuz's visit) I received some 'Snail Mail'
from 'Google-AdSense', requesting me to set up my PIN# so I can withdraw funds.
What funds???
Well it was less than $10.00, but I earned that by doing absolutely NOTHING
for 7 months... what could I earn if I really worked at it?

I'm still paying for a Web Site/Domain that I'm not using...
canceling it was too hard because you have to PHONE them to cancel....
and we all know how I feel about the phone.....
and I'm suppose to be trying to save so it was just as well to Utilize it!

So that is what has been occupying my time these past few weeks
Setting up my Web Site, checking memberships of my programs,
joining other programs... trying to Update and keep everything current...
Blog... Web Pages... facts... programs.

Actually, I'm doing so much at the one time that I tend to get carried
away and get sidetracked so easily. The Web Pages are taking a lot
longer to do than I expected even though I am getting use to the different
editing programs.
It's hard trying to keep up with all my programs, especially the 'Paid-To' ones,
let alone Post to All of my Blogs.

I am trying to get 'Organized' but that is proving to be a major challenge in itself!

In the meantime I will just keep muddling on through the best I can.

Till Next Time...
Have A Good One!

Have been actively working on my main Web Site this past few weeks.
These are the pages I have done so far.

WebSite Home Page
Ways To Earn Money On The Internet? Do they really work?
Tips On Saving Money

Please click on the Penny below
for Luck and Support.

Thank-You

Life's Story's

Please check out 'My Favorite Inspirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

Subscribe to Super (Disabled, Bi-Polar, Stoned), Mom

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Another Down Swing

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:19:38 PST

Jan/7/2010

Another Down Swing!

I guess it's that time of year again people... Dreary, Dark, Cold Winter has finally found us.
After a nice mild green Christmas, we get hit with a storm!

I hate this time of year so much, it's always been my worse time... my worst episodes happened between Jan and April. Now it seems like this year is going to be no different.
Bills are all 3 months behind... collectors keep calling... no weed (still owe my dealer $300.00).
I can't even get transportation to go to the Food-Bank!

I can feel myself drifting back into that Dark Cavern of Depression.
Tired, sleeping ALL the time, no appetite, no interest in anything. Locking myself away in my room all the time... I've got to snap out of this!
Doc says to get a hobby, join a group or Volunteer!
All sounds great but still involves money and/or transportation and going OUT period!
The only thing that does appeal to me is the Hobby thing.

I've had 'Hobbies' before... I can do and have done just about any Craft... Crochet, Knit, Embroidery, Sew (with a sewing machine) making crafts, even Plastic Canvas! I use to 'Create' things on the computer (Greeting Cards, Bookmarks, Magnets, Inspirational etc), and I even had my own Photo Restoration business for a while... But between my bad eyesight, old glasses, and my hands cramping up I can't do much Crafts anymore, I can't read the patterns and I can't afford the supplies anyway.
It all costs MONEY!

I've been thinking a lot about my Daughter. I haven't spoken to her since New Years Day. As many times as I have wanted to pick up the phone to call her, I just can't. Not because I don't want to talk to her, I just can't stand using the phone, and I know how my daughter is on the phone. She can keep a person on the phone for up to an hour! Not solely by conversation... no, while she has someone on the phone she continues about her day, talking to her son, cat's, dog and computer while the person on the other end just listens.
I can't do that!! It DRIVES ME INSANE!

Anyway... I wrote her a Poem and sent it to her today, via Email, just trying to explain a few 'quirks' about me, like the telephone issue I have. I don't know if (sending the poem) was the right thing or the wrong thing to do. Part of me thinks it was... while the other part thinks it was a big MISTAKE! I guess time will tell.
The Poem I wrote her is below... hope you like it!

To My Daughter

I don't know why I'm the way that I am,
Or do the things that I do.
I'm sorry things ended up this way
'Cause I really never meant to hurt you.

The Doctor's say I have 'Social Anxiety Disorder',
And diagnosed me as 'Bipolar II'.
The diagnosis makes me embarrassed and ashamed,
I can't imagine how it makes you.

They say it's inherited, this 'Bipolar Disorder',
Not something that you can 'acquire'.
Makes sense to me... look at my family.
I just hope they can control it with med's and therapy.

God knows I made a lot of mistakes in my life.
Did things I can't undo.
But Sweety, I never meant to hurt you...
I'm your Mother... and I LOVE YOU!

The distance between us is breaking my heart...
I know my illness is keeping us apart.
As much as I want to reach out to you,
It's something I find most difficult to do.

The simplest things you find easy to do
Are major hurdles for me to get through.
Like sending an email.. using the phone,
Going to the store.. or anywhere alone.

You invited me into your home last week.
The first time since you moved in.
There was so much I wanted to say to you...
I just didn't know how to begin.

I'm not a great conversationalist, and may not like to socialize,
But that doesn't mean I don't want to be a part of your lives.
You may think that I'm distant, and I can understand if you do.
But it's only because I'm finding it so hard to reach out for you.

Sweety, I'm not trying to upset you,
Just trying to help you understand...
As much as I want to be close to you
I need your helping hand.

I Love You
Mom

Till Next Time...
Have A Good One
Life's Story's

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
(I haven't been able to add any new ones since my computer crashed and I lost the Program I was using. Will let you know when I get the Program back, but I don't think it will be any time soon. Sorry!)

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Happy F**king New Decade!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 11:06:58 PST

Jan.,4/2010

Happy F**cking New Decade

It's been a week since my last post so let me catch you up...

Last Tuesday, (Dec. 29), 'Newfy Sis' loaned me her car for a few days. I had a Dr's appt. that day, so she told me to take the car. Right away I called my daughter and made plans with her, called my son and checked with him and it was decided that I pick my son up after work and then go to my daughters for a visit.
I was so nervous all day. It was a good thing I had my Dr's appt that day, it helped calm me down a bit.

The visit went all right... my Grand-son was still asleep when we got there. I could tell my daughter was as uncomfortable as I was. Her 'spouse' was at work, Thank God! That made it easier for me, but harder for her. It wasn't long before my Grand-son woke up and I couldn't wait to see him. She warned me that he would be crooked until he eats his supper, which she had ready for him (home made fish cakes, Newfy style).

When he finished she let him down to play. He was such a joy!

One by one he'd take his toys out from under the tree and play with each one. Eventually he started coming to me to play with him and his barrel of monkeys. He was so pleasant... gave me kisses and loves... it was great!

By the time 2 hours were up, I had to get home. I just started feeling really uncomfortable and had to go.

She called me the next day and asked if I enjoyed my visit and I told her I did, very much! It was great to see my grand-son and her home and complimented her on both.

That was Tuesday!

I had my sisters car from Tuesday to Thursday, (New Years Eve). Once I got back from my daughters Tuesday night I did not go through the door again, till Sis called Thursday for her car. Three days with a vehicle and I never went through the door, not even to bring my girlfriend her Christmas present. I've just been feeling really down and out. Tired all the time and no interest in anything... (what else is new?)

New Years Eve and all I want to do is spend it alone like I usually do, but my son is interfering with that. He's been after me these past few days to spend it with him... just the two of us... my cousins are after me to go up there, and that thought does not appeal to me at all. I've been using my son as an excuse to get out of that, saying he just wants to stay home with me. Albeit, I'd rather be here with my son then go to my cousins... at least I'm home.
Then my son calls me and states that he doesn't think it's a good idea for the two of us to be alone together, because we were both too down and depressed, so he wants to go to my cousins with me. I fought tooth and nail with him over this stating that I did not want to go there or anywhere tonight. He even called my cousins and got them to call me!
By the time he got home he had made plans with his buddy and they were going to go to a friends house. Then they changed their minds and he asked if he could invite another friend or two over. I gave up.... whether it be two or ten of them, I knew I couldn't be there with them that night... so I called my cousins to tell them to expect me.
My sons friend drove me up there.

I swear I was only there an hour when my son showed up, by himself. The little prick set me up! Now I was stuck in a place where I really didn't want to be, with no way home till tomorrow. My cousins got me on the 'White Russians' and by the time New Years rolled in I was pretty much polluted. I don't remember going to bed (passing out!) but I can tell you that I was some sick the next day. I hadn't been that sick in a very long time...

This sound familiar??

....lying on a leather couch/bed, curled up in a comforter, soaking wet with sweat, yet shivering uncontrollably.... you have to go to the bathroom, but you know when you get up the dizziness and nausea will get you, so you dash for the bathroom as quick as you can. You sit on the toilet just as the first urge strikes you and you have to hurl, you grab the waste basket (it's either that or hurl on the floor). Now the stomach cramps start... now you got it coming from both ends and the beads of sweat start forming on your head and face, dripping into the waste basket you are holding in front of you. You sit there, one hand grabbing the sink to keep you from falling off the toilet, the other hand clutching the waste basket.... all the while praying to God to Make It Stop!!!... Eventually it eases enough that you can lift your head up and the cramps start to subside and you are able to make it back to the couch/bed... with basket in hand, cause you know it ain't over yet. The next few hours are spent drifting in and out of consciousness between bouts of stomach heaves and cramps.

Finally, around 2:30pm, 'Cuz' rolled out of bed and smoked a draw with me... that helped me out enough to endure the ride home... home... where my son was waiting for me to tell me another story of how he was kicked out and forced to walk home... yada, yada, yada...
These last few days all I've been doing is sleeping... at first I thought I was having a hard time getting over my hangover, but as the days progress I know it's something else. I'm nauseated all the time, dizzy, can't eat, no energy and no interest.... same-'O' same-'O'. My son is steady on my back about not eating and sleeping so much.... why can't he just leave me alone.

Hope I can snap out of this soon!

Till Next Time...
Have A Good One

My Ramblings
(NOTE: Ramblings May Not Occur Every Day... I Do Have Other Things To Do Ya Know! LOL!)

~ Kids! They Think We (Parents) Don't Know Them (Mar/07/2009)
~ Does The Guilt Ever End? (Mar/22/09)
~ 'Gold4Cash'? What A SCAM! (Mar/23/2009)
~ Guess What People, I Screwed Up Again! (Mar/25/2009)
~ You Won't Believe This! (Mar/26/2009)
~ Is It Friday Already? (Mar/27/2009)

Life's Story's

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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Good News and Bad News!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 07:48:39 PST

Dec., 28/2009

Good News and Bad News

Hey Again Everybody!

Well I have good news and bad news.... the good news is that 'Newfy Sis' has canceled her trip to Ontario. We are all so relieved she canceled. Even though she diagnosed with Pneumonia yesterday, she was still going to go.... until 'Psycho Sis' called this morning, really 'disoriented', so 'Newfy Sis' canceled.
So, no dog-sitting!
Bad news is that as happy as I am that she canceled, it does spoil some of my plans for the next couple of days. No alone time... no vehicle at my disposal.... and no trip to my daughters that day!
I just finished canceling my plans with my daughter and son and they are both real pissed with me. They don't understand why I won't take the BUS to her house. My God! How many times do I have to explain and defend myself to them??
I'm so sick and tired of this shit!

By the way... My son and I both had great times at the party's we attended Boxing Night. He went to his cousin's party (on his fathers side) in our old home town and stayed the night there. He had a wonderful time, saw a lot of old friends... and he actually behaved himself!
I went to my Cousin's as well and stayed the night there. When I arrived I was trembling uncontrollably.... Jimmy was there, I was kind of expecting that, but it still made me uncomfortable and nervous, which caused me to tremble even more. I said hello and wished him a Merry Christmas and avoided him the rest of the evening.

Eventually my nerves settled and I went on to have a great time!

It was the first time everyone saw my new haircut... you should have heard the comments and remarks... everyone loved it! It was Great!

Till Next Time
Have A Good One!

My Ramblings
(NOTE: Ramblings May Not Occur Every Day... I Do Have Other Things To Do Ya Know! LOL!)

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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It's Over & I'm Still Here!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 10:11:50 PST

Dec., 26/2009

It's Over & I'm Still Here!

Well... the big 'C' is over, and I made it through another one.
Our day was very quiet, I was up early and waited for my son to awaken from his drunken coma. He finally got up around 1pm and we took our time opening our gifts.
He was too sick for a full cooked dinner, so we just stuffed and cooked the turkey. He wanted to learn how to cook one, so I instructed... he prepared and cooked.

Surprisingly enough I received two calls today, the first was my Ex-husbands brother. It was the first time he spoke to me since I left my Ex... it was a nice conversation, a little emotional.
The other call was from 'Danny', my friend who went to BC last March... he had gotten in touch with about a month or so ago, one call and then I don't hear from him for weeks.... I was hoping he would call and he did.

The only thing that was missing was my daughter and grand-son... and it would be good to hear from my brother. However all is not lost! My Ex brought my daughter up last night (Christmas Eve) for a visit, however brief that it was, it was good to see her. She never had my Grand-son with her but.... she gave me an open invitation to visit them in their home. That's their first invite to me in well over a year!
Of course I accepted and right away we decided on Monday, Dec 28. My sister is leaving and I will have her car, so transportation is not an issue and my son is off and he agreed to come with me for support. He knows how hard this first visit is going to be for me, especially if my 'son-in-law' is there.

We spent the remainder of the day just relaxing, watching TV.

Boxing Day. What the hell is 'Boxing Day'?

It's been a quiet day. My son making plans to go to his cousin's annual 'Boxing Day' Party. This is the first time my son has ever attended... not because he wasn't invited 'cause he was invited every year. Transportation was the usual problem. This cousin is my Ex's only nephew... his brothers son. I was glad he was going, especially since his uncle called us yesterday... I just prayed that my son would behave himself.

I'm invited to my cousin's as well. I really don't feel like doing anything... spent most of the day sleeping. They have also invited me up to their 'New Years Eve' party. Thanks to my sister's trip I have a good excuse to get out of that one... I hate celebrating New Years Eve... always have.... so I figured if I showed up tonight they would not give me a hard time about New Years.

Till Next Time
Have A Good One!
My Ramblings
(NOTE: Ramblings May Not Occur Every Day... I Do Have Other Things To Do Ya Know! LOL!)

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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Ho, Ho, Hold The Holidays!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 09:19:20 PST

Dec., 21/2009

Ho, Ho, Hold The Holidays!!!

Is it wrong to want to skip the 'Holidays'?

I mean, haven't you ever felt like the "Krank's" and just wanted to skip Christmas??? Not that you would have enough money to go for a cruise or anything (I Wish!). No... the reason I would skip it would be just to eliminate the stresses that the holidays bring.
Every year it seems to be getting worse and worse.. people expecting, not wanting, EXPECTING more and more every year and things get more expensive every year. Everybody wants the latest electronic gadgets and games!

Does the smile on a loved ones face out-weigh the financial burdens families take on during the holidays and the stresses that comes with it? Is this the way it should be? That the more money a person has, the happier he/she will be? Is this what it all comes down to? Then no wonder I am so unhappy, and I guess there is no hope for happiness for me either as my income won't be increasing any time soon.
Oh... Woe Is Me!

Well, it's taken me over a week, (including 3 days to 'dress' the tree), but I've finally finished decorating. Yippee!
My sister has informed me that she is being my 'Secret Santa' again this year, buying things for me to give to my kids and grand-son, and my other sister in Alberta sent her a check to buy me a turkey, ham and other Christmas groceries. God love them both! I don't know what I would have done without them... they were my Christmas.
But... as loving a gesture that it is, I find it so hard to accept 'charity', I can't explain how it makes me feel. It upsets me, very much... it brings me down and makes me cry...
I don't feel good about myself at all.

My sister treated me to a Hair Cut today, first one in a year! Now Ladies, you can imagine how excited I was to have that done! My hair was after getting so long that all I could do with it was to wear a head band... I hate long hair, Can't stand it in my face at all!
So, now I'm back to my fave style... short and easy to manage.

Isn't it funny how your hair can affect your mood and overall personality?

Same sister informed me that she was going to Ontario to spend a few days with our "Psycho" Sister (Of the 5 of us sibling She and I are the 'sickest'... she much worse than I, though there are times I do remind myself of her, like the way I depend on my son too much when he is around. If he wasn't here I would have to do those things myself, wouldn't I?)

I really don't like the idea of my sister going to Ontario... Psycho Sis has a way of wearing people down when she is with them... she was one of the main causes of my suicide attempt/nervous breakdown in 2005.
Nobody is fussy about her going... but this visit would be the first time Psycho Sis has seen any family member since I was there in 2005, which is not right either. So if any one can handle Psycho Sis it would be Newfy Sis. (I hope)
So, Newfy sis wants me to house-sit while she is away... more like dog-sit.., for 8 or 9 days, which means I will have access to a vehicle, and I can get a little alone time in. Her little dog is a nuisance though.... can't be left alone for long at all.

Something like my son!

My son went out the other night around 10pm, and I went on to bed.
The next thing I knew I was awakened by the apartments smoke detector. The last time that happened we ended up losing everything in our house fire, (July/2004). I ran out to the kitchen, thinking I left something on the stove.... but the oven was on.
I was so confused that I didn't know what to do first! I opened the oven door and saw what was left of a frozen pizza.... then I ran to mu son's room, there he was passed out on his bed with an empty bowl by his side (that use to contain macaroni), and a shrimp platter laid on his chest! Between trying to wake him and silence the smoke detector and getting the pizza out of the oven ..... I was in a frenzy to say the least! My biggest concern where the other tenants in the building.... it was 3:30am.
By the time I had things under control my son got up and I not so nicely told him what he did and he said to me, "So, what do you want me to say... it's done... there's nothing I can do about it now... is there?"
As I got back to my room I looked into the living room and noticed all of the brown smoke that had accumulated... I could barely see across the room... so I had to open the windows and wait for the smoke to clear out... all I could think about was my fresh paint job!

While I was waiting for the smoke to clear out I looked at the charred remains of the pizza and noticed that he never even removed the cardboard from the bottom of it!

Next morning he woke up and asked me how I burned the pizza? He didn't remember a thing.
Not even me waking him up!

Till Next Time

Have A Good One!

My Ramblings
(NOTE: Ramblings May Not Occur Every Day... I Do Have Other Things To Do Ya Know! LOL!)

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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Look! 2 Days In A Row!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 07:28:51 PST

Dec. 16/2009

2 Days In A Row

So, to continue on from yesterday... I had gotten rid of Jimmy and things started to settle down between my son and I. We started playing our fave computer game again... 'Diablo II'. I got as far as Act II in Hell mode... got stuck and lost interest.
So now I spend most of my time playing 'Spider Solitaire' on the computer in my bedroom.

I've been having some 'medical issues' these last few months as well. (Aside from my back/hip injury with the sciatica, and the Meniere's Disease, or the Acid Reflux and the Bipolar stuff) I've been losing a lot of weight. Had another endoscopy done and a Cat Scan, all kinds of blood and urine tests and chest X-rays. The end diagnosis is that I have a 'Slow Digestive System'... and I was prescribed called 'Domperdone', AKA "Motillium". Well, not only did that interfere with my Bipolar Meds, it also caused Breast Leakage! I'm 48! I can't walk around with my tits leaking all day!
A spot showed up on my lung. One of the Specialist I saw said they think it might be from "Resolving Pneumonia"... I've never had Pneumonia. Well it was out of his field anyway and it was up to my family Dr if he wants to look into it any farther.
I haven't heard anything about it since.
However I am still not done with Dr's yet... I have to return to the Stomach Specialist in Feb and my Family Dr is looking into the possibility of getting me a 'Nerve Block' for my Sciatica. Wouldn't that be GREAT! To be rid of my pain!

In the meantime I am still seeing my Psychiatrist. We have Therapy every 6-8 wks.

It's that time of year again! I'm not just talking about the holidays.... (Don't get me into the Holidays). No, I'm talking about the short, dark days. The cold, the ice and the snow. Getting around on the best of days is hard enough for me sometimes, but in the winter! I barely go through the door, ride or no ride... even without the snow, I just have no tolerance for the cold. (My hands and feet go numb in seconds.) Of course, add to that the stresses of the holidays approaching.... no..... not a good time of year for me.

This is the time of year I always find the hardest to get through. If you look back through my history, you would see that most of my "Depression's" happened between January & April... Especially the MAJOR ones... the 'suicidal' ones. Could I have SAD also??? (Seasonal Affectiveness Disorder)... christ... something else to add to my list of ailments!

As the holidays get closer and closer I can feel myself slipping, uncontrollably, deeper and deeper into that dark hole again. Christmas was coming, not only did I have no money, but I am behind in ALL of me bills... thanks to Jimmy, who really put me in the hole... for weed and other stuff that he was suppose to pay me back for, but never did.
My own STUPID fault! AGAIN!
Add to that the fact that I'm after losing the few 'customers' I had, so I haven't been able to sell as much, and my son and I smoked too much... so now I owe my dealer over $300 also!

I resolve to get my finances in order this New Year!!!

Till Next Time...

Have A Good One!

My Ramblings
(NOTE: Ramblings May Not Occur Every Day... I Do Have Other Things To Do Ya Know! LOL!)

Life's Story's

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to,
(When I get my programs back)

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I'm Baaaack!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 06:55:18 PST

Dec. 15, 2009

Hey Everybody! Anybody???

Sorry it's been so long since I posted to my Blog... but I warned you that I am Bipolar!

So much has happened this past eight months, just where should I begin?

Well first of all my absents was caused by a cascade of computer crashes. First, my Ex came by one day and didn't like the sound my computer was making and decided to 'clean it'. He removed the processor chip and ended up buckling and breaking some pins on it. Bye-Bye computer.
Not to worry, I thought, I still had my sons to use while my Ex tried to repair mine. BANG! We got a Trojan Virus on my sons and his computer died and we couldn't get windows installed on it again... Bye Bye computer #2.
My Ex then acquired one from a friend that was a dinosaur but between the 3 computers I managed to make a half sensible one, but it was really slow. By that time the weather started getting nice out and I was losing interest in the computer.
My interest had turned to other things... painting, and sitting in the sun. So over the next few months, (May, June and July), I painted most of my apartment on the cold rainy days, and sat in the sun on the nice days. My Ex was starting to drop in more and more frequently now and it was driving him crazy that it was taking me so long to paint. It wasn't bothering me having all my furniture in a pile in the center of my living room for two weeks. I was in no rush. I have no other choice but to take my time, but I was looking at it like therapy, both physical and mental.
Finally one day he came by and tormented me enough that I finally gave in and allowed him to help. So I passed him a brush. Next thing I knew he was standing on the back of my couch, with his shoes still on, with no drip cloth over the couch, painting the trim around the ceiling! I couldn't believe it! Needless to say he was asked to leave.

Early August my son moved back in. I was just finished painting, had my 'computer room' all set up and was finally at a point where I was contented and enjoyed being alone. It hasn't been too bad having my son back even if we have come to blows a few times. He is just as hard to live with as I am but he can also get as demanding as his father. Sometimes I spend a LOT of time locked in my room, just trying to avoid any confrontation.

I'm no good at confrontations, I get confused easily and can't find the words to express myself. It's hard to explain... it's like my brain is on a 5 second delay when it tries to process certain things. For instance when I try to read I have to read the same sentence 3 or 4 times before it sinks in, reading aloud helps too. Also in a conversation, when someone tells me something it's like it takes a few seconds to register what they said. When I'm watching TV or Movies I can understand what is being said more by using the subtitles and reading what they are saying. I don't know if you can understand that......
But that's why I'm no good at confrontation.

July/August I started dating a fellow tenant from my apartment building. He's been here about 4 years now and the most dealings I've had with him in that time was when he bought weed from me. Long story short I started feeling sorry for him when I heard that his girlfriend left him, just before he was diagnosed with prostate cancer. He owned two mini doberman's that were like his babies but he had to bring them to Ontario and leave them with family while he was being treated. He was like a lost puppy without his babies.
Anyway, one day we were outside talking, he offered me a beer, I offered him a draw... we came to my place to smoke it and he eventually made a pass at me. We then made plans to go the Annual Regatta together because he had never been down to it before. However as the days progressed he started showing spurts of anger, getting more possessive, wanting me there all the time, not letting me go home at night, demanded sex first thing in the morning, without ASKING (you know what I mean ladies... it HURTS!). So I had enough and called it quits... he didn't like that.... so now I had a problem... I had this NUT who lives in my building and new my every move. He knew my routine, he would sit in his car outside my apartment staring at my window... if I went to the store he would see me from his apartment and then follow me or great me by the door when I got back... he was really starting to make me paranoid, it was even freaking out my son.
But then I met 'Jimmy'.
I was introduced to him as a 'customer', he was my weed supplier... I took a liking to "Jimmy" because of his sense of humor, but mostly because he had respect for woman, you could just tell. Only problem was that every time Jimmy showed up, idiot from upstairs would be there buying also... it didn't take long for Jimmy to realize what was going on and without going in to great detail, I'll just say that he 'politely' got rid of him for me. My Hero!!!...
NOT!!!!!
How does it go? Out of the pot, into the fire? I was in it all right.
Jimmy was respectful, courteous, considerate, funny... and a wonderful lover, I can't take that from him. However he was the biggest loafer, bullshitter, liar, lazy sponge, who wanted to do nothing more than lay around all day doing puzzles while I kept him going in smokes, weed, gas, and beer. What an idiot I am!
Eventually he and my son started bumping heads and had a few 'encounters'... Jimmy didn't think my son was treating me right and was being disrespectful. My son called Jimmy a 'Skeet' and a hard case. The wedge that was being driven between my son and I was getting to be too much, and slowly I was starting to see Jimmy for who he really was... I was so tired of his lies, his 'promises' of getting a job and getting some money... I was tired of him. One night, after a small disagreement, he was drunk and got up to leave my apartment and I told him not to come back... he didn't. He tried to call me several times but I wouldn't answer the phone. You know me.... Avoidance!

That's it for now... will update you more with the next few posts.

Have A Good One!

My Ramblings
(NOTE: Ramblings May Not Occur Every Day... I Do Have Other Things To Do Ya Know! LOL!)

~ Kids! They Think We (Parents) Don't Know Them (Mar/07/2009)
~ Does The Guilt Ever End? (Mar/22/09)
~ Guess What People, I Screwed Up Again! (Mar/25/2009)
~ You Won't Believe This! (Mar/26/2009)
~ Is It Friday Already? (Mar/27/2009)

Life's Story's

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

I have 1 video on YouTube 'Candice' and I did friday night when she was here. It's kind of lame, but it's right here if you want to see it.

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Hello World! Welcome!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 04:33:09 PST

Hello World, and Welcome to my Blog!

There is no main purpose for this Blog. Other than the fact that I just wanted to share with the world how being Bi-Polar has affected my life, and continues to affect it. Due to the possibility of by some remote chance that somebody may recognize names or events that I may tell you about, all names used in my articles have been changed to protect their privacy.

Back in 1995 I suffered an injury to my lower back, sacroiliac joint, and damaged the sciatic nerve in my left leg, I have to use a cane to walk. I have Meniere's Disease, an affliction of the inner ear that causes dizziness, instability Tinnitus and nausea (like being severely motion sick). I have severe acid-reflux disease so there is not a lot of pain medication I can take anymore. Now I have been diagnosed as Bi-Polar (II) as well as having a 'Social Anxiety Disorder' and some what Obsessive Compulsive.

So... do I smoke weed??? You bet your ass I do! Smoking weed relieves my pain, settles the instability, settles the nausea and calms me. Like I said to my Doc, "You find me a pill that does all that and I will stop smoking weed." (Yes all my doctors and therapist know I smoke weed, and not one has said a word to me about it.)

As much as I hate being 'Labelled' as Bi-Polar; when I think back over my life... yeah... the diagnosis fits I guess. Just too bad I wasn't diagnosed years ago... things might have been different today. As I recant the story's of my life, you will clearly see the 'High-Points' and the'

Low Points'... the 'Manic' and the 'Mania'... the 'Yin' and 'Yang' of being 'Normal'.

Being Bi-Polar has cost me everything and everybody in my life. It has caused me to ruin everything I touch! Although I have three older sisters, a brother, a son, a daughter, grandson and a son-in-law.... I am alone! This 'Disease' has caused me to be alienated from all of them!

Oh don't despair! My life story is far from dull... growing up with two alcoholic parents was fun. Of course, there's the sexual molesting by my Uncle and the guy that use to like to watch little girls pee in the woods... yeah, he was hilarious! Then there's my troublesome teens... the stuff I got caught doing! My first suicide attempt, my marriage to an alcoholic (Oh the story's I can tell you!), becoming a mother, the split ups and the FIRST divorce. The sobering up and reconciliation/split up/reconciliation. My injury and our second wedding.

Let's not forget about the 18 MONTH period where my Mother died of liver failure, our dear friend died on our sofa, we had a house fire and lost virtually everything, my 15yr old son was accused of getting a 13yr old girl pregnant and then my Father passed away suddenly. My husband had given up work, not making any money and I left for Ontario!

It's not over yet.... now we're at my second suicide attempt, 3 month hospitalization, 2 months in a Woman's Shelter to this apartment. That was in Sept/2005.

Trust me, the story doesn't end here either! Since Sept/2005 life has been a constant battle of ups and downs... till now. Seems like I am finally levelling out, I just wonder if it's too little too late as I have nobody left in my life.

These days... my days are spent on the computer mostly. I have been working on a few projects that a friend has gotten me interested in. One of which being this Blog or a Web site. You see I have a collection of "Inspirational's" (poems) that have been sent to me through emails this past many years. A few years back, I took this 'Inspirations", applied different graphics to them and made posters of them, which I sold at the craft fair, along with other paraphernalia... they were pretty popular too... I could even laminate them!

Anyway, my friend, who passed on March 1st, (He went to BC! LOL), inspired me to get at them again. He downloaded some pretty great programs on my computer so I can edit graphics and create these inspirational again. So far it's been keeping me busy... I have around 100 or more. I haven't got them all completed yet. It's still a work in progress but I am constantly at them and uploading them... so keep checking back!

You can view them here

Want To Know More? Check out these postings...

(Check Back For New Postings Of My Life History)

What Caused Our Second Divorce (Sept/15/2005)

How I Ended Up Off My Meds and Why I Started Smoking Weed (Nov/15/2005)

What Led Me To Seeking Employment and Risking My Disability (Dec/15/2005

2006 In A Nutshell (Dec/15/2006)

2007 Summed Up (Dec/15/2007)

2008 Part 1 The 'CRASH' (Mar/21/2008)

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Is It Friday Already!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:01:00 PDT

Is It Friday Already!

I can't believe it's Friday already! The days are going by so fast now. Although the weather has been miserable here this past week or so, there is still the smell of Spring in the air. I am actually looking forward to Spring and Summer this year. I'm looking forward to sitting out on the side of the building with the other Tenants and I'm anxious to start taking my cat outside as well, on a Harness... I tried a few times last summer and she took to it pretty well, but I felt too embarrassed to continue. It was a sin too because she needs to get out to eat the grass and get some fresh air also. Hopefully this year will be different.

Isn't it funny though at how when you look ahead to something, like a year away... it seems so far away, it feels like it will take forever to get there! But when you look back at something, like a year ago... it feels like it just happened.

"Was that a year ago?", is the usual reaction.

My girlfriend and I had such a conversation the Tuesday night when I was there. We started talking and got on the subject of this time last year and the mess I was in. I wasn't even in the 'Clinic' this time last year... and I was contemplating suicide, again, due to the credit card issue with my daughter. I was in such despair then I didn't think I would get through each day, let alone a month or a year... I couldn't think that far ahead.

"That was just a year ago! Look at me now!"

(But how long will this Euphoria last? Is this another Bipolar 'high' and I'm going to 'crash' again soon? Or is this 'ME", finally. Being on this 'Roller Coaster of Emotions', called Bipolar Disorder, all my life, with it's ups and downs... I don't really know who I am any more, what the REAL me is really like... so how am I suppose to recognize 'ME' when 'I' come along?)

My son called again today, now he is saying that he will be 'popping' back and forth between here and his sisters. I told you, he changes his mind like the wind changes direction. I know what's going on though. His father and sister don't want him coming here because they are afraid I will get him back on the weed again. I can understand that... it's like keeping an alcoholic away from booze... and I guess that possibility is there, that would depend on how strong my sons willpower is. I certainly wouldn't shove it in his face, he knows I only smoke weed in the computer room, it's his choice if he wants to come in when I smoke one.
I still know he is going to end up here, eventually.

My girlfriend is suppose to be coming over here for the night tonight. Her Ex is suppose to take her son for the night and he's going to drop her off here. Hopefully all will go well and we will have a fun girls night! Few draws, couple of beer etc... it's going to be fun and a break for her, which she desperately needs.

I just got a call from an old 'acquaintance', DAN.

Before I go any further, let me explain that there are 3 Daniel's in my life.

I swear they all have the same name!

DANIEL is my Ex and he always preferred to be called 'DANIEL'

DANNY is my 'friend' who just left for BC, everyone called him 'DANNY'

DAN is a 'friend' I met in early 2006, when I was working at the 'Coffee Shop'.

My relationship with Dan is somewhat different than that of my Ex and Danny. We get along great and we talk honestly and openly about everything, but the main attraction is sex. The sex between us is awesome and we both enjoy it. So every few months I get a call from him wanting to get together. He called a couple of times this past few months when I was with Danny and I didn't return his calls because of that relationship.

Dan, however, is still in a relationship. He was married when I first met him but is divorced now. He has been in another relationship for a while now but he wants to end it. He just doesn't want the woman's daughter to have to change schools so late in the year, so he wants to wait till the end of the school year.

He wants to get together me soon, and I explained about the situation with my son... so he's going to call me back on Wednesday. He said he's going to bring his guitar this time (OH JOY!) and a bottle of Tequila! Sounds like a good time, even though I've never drank Tequila before! I foresee a hangover in the near future!

Want To Know More? Check out these postings...
(Check Back For New Postings Of My Life History)
What Caused Our Second Divorce (Sept/15/2005)
How I Ended Up Off My Meds and Why I Started Smoking Weed (Nov/15/2005)
What Led Me To Seeking Employment and Risking My Disability (Dec/15/2005
2006 In A Nutshell (Dec/15/2006)
2007 Summed Up (Dec/15/2007)
2008, Part 1, The 'CRASH' (March/2008)

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirationals' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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You Won't Believe This!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:03:02 PDT

Hey People! Happy Thursday!

My day is only half over, and so far it's been a dandy! You won't believe what I am about to tell you, but I swear it's the truth!

Yesterday I related to you how I was short on my rent because I helped my friend out. I wasn't too concerned about it because I still had 6 days till the end of the month and no one knows what will happen tomorrow. Well folks, it's 'tomorrow'.

I actually dressed to go out and check the mail today. I was expecting that letter from Housing and sure enough, when I opened my mailbox, there it was. All by itself, the letter from Housing stating what my increased rent will be (I hoped no more than she quoted me) and if I owe them any money or not. I waited till I got back to my apartment before opening it.

I couldn't believe what I read... my rent went up the amount she quoted all right (plus $1), BUT... not until June 1/2009! So I have 2 months before I have to pay the increase and they never stated that I owed them anything. What a break... and a chance to catch up on a few things... plus another lesson learned!

See what I mean about things working out!

Now folks, remember March 7th, I related a story about my son and I made a prediction. I predicted that by the end of the month he would be here with me. Well guess who called me today? My Son of course. He's accepted for this schooling program which starts in a few months, but he's fed up with his job and is planning on quitting April 1st, after he gets his pay-check. Long story short, he wanted to know if he could stay with me for a few weeks while he is off work... in other words for free... but he was going to buy a "whack" of groceries when he gets paid. First I thought it meant me losing my computer room. If it was a more permanent situation I would give him the room and move the computer, but I am not disrupting my place for a 'few weeks'. So I said if he didn't mind the couch, and he had to feed himself because I can't afford groceries... I also warned him that I am not going to change my lifestyle for him.

I don't know how this is going to work out. Time will tell. I will see when the time comes, if it comes. One thing about my son... he changes his mind more often than the wind changes direction! He is not here yet and there is a week to go... remember, I live in the day only.

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirational' Album
A Project I am continuously working on and adding to

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Guess What People? I Screwed Up Again!

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:04:21 PDT

Guess What People? I Screwed Up Again!

(What else is new???)

Today is Wednesday... I made it through to payday, yesterday and I did what I said I was going to do. I managed to get a half bag of weed (Expensive half bag! My girlfriend and I were going half's... ended up costing us $75 each!), and I got a friend to drive me to her apartment.

I arrived at her place around 5:30 and decided that we would smoke whatever tonight and tomorrow, and before I leave we would slit the remainder between us. Seemed fair, and she gave me her $75. We smoked a joint and then she ordered a pizza... I knew she couldn't afford to and I felt guilty because I couldn't afford to go in on it... I couldn't even afford to buy that weed, but I agreed to buy a half dozen beer.

However my friend just didn't seem herself and I knew something was wrong. After the pizza arrived and we ate we smoked another joint, and then she started to get sick, she was sick most of the evening. I said it could have been were she hadn't had a toke in a week and a half... it may have been too much, or she has been taking a lot of cold medications for a while and they are a big NO NO when taking Effexor and Epival. By the end of the evening she was coming around and we went to bed around 1am.

Next day I find out that she still owes $195 for last months rent and the Landlord was after her. I knew she couldn't afford that pizza and the weed... that was her rent money! Feeling guilty, I offered her back $55 of the $75 she gave me and I will leave her with $20 worth of weed., not leave her with nothing. That's what we did.

She also knew that by doing this it was leaving me short, and it was, (but I was more concerned about her... she looks so tired and drained.)There is no doubt about that, but I told her that it was fine, that I would manage. Supposing I had to tell my landlord I was short on my rent and needed an extra few days. After all, it's the first time I've been late in years and a $225 increase in your rent is a bit steep in just a month. I'm really not that concerned about it. I got 6 or 7 days before that has to be paid... I'll see what happens when that day comes. In the meantime I will get the necessities that I need to get me through the next few days.

On the way home I picked up my prescription, cigs, and a couple of items like cat food, bread and milk... whatever I thought would get me through. I didn't care how much I spent or if there was enough left to pay the rent... as long as I had my meds, weed, cigs, and tea I was fine.

My friend mentioned the GST coming out soon, and I said I know, but I don't like depending on something I haven't received yet. Last year they wouldn't give me the GST because I owed them money, now I still owe them the money but they have been giving me my GST... so I don't know whether to expect it or not! Besides, I really don't like going that far ahead in time anyway... I just like taking it one day at a time... nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, but if it is meant to be, it will happen!

So here I am, back at my usual spot, home on the computer. It feels so good to be back home again, a change of scenery is nice but its not as comfortable as home. I checked my bank account and I am definitely short on my rent, only about $50, but I had another $25 bill I had to pay also. Well, the end of the month is not here yet... 6 more days to go... anything can happen. I could win the Lotto (if I played) you never know what tomorrow will bring, or if you will even wake up in the morning.

I haven't heard from Danny since Friday evening when he called and said he would call me back. I know he was talking 'the other two' downstairs and even though they deny it I know they said something to him. So I sent him an email to explain my honest feelings about how I felt when he left. I wish I had the courage to be honest with people face to face instead of always hiding and not expressing my true feelings... always saying something is "all right", when in actual fact it is not all right, and I want to tear the head of them for doing what they are doing!!! But No... I just stand there, boiling on the inside, and say it's fine!

I've always found it easier to express me feelings in writing, not in poetry form or anything... just by keeping diary's or Journals. That is up till the day my Ex found mine. Let's just say I never kept another one while I was with him.

Now, over the years I've tried to keep a journal. Actually it was more like a Chronicle of everything I've gone through, I have often dreamt of writing a book about it all... (but then I come down to reality again). However my hands caused me trouble, cramping up all the time while holding the pen and again, my eyesight didn't help either. I guess now I am doing both... keeping a Journal and writing the story of my life, chapter by chapter.
Want To Know More? Check out these postings...
(Check Back For New Postings Of My Life History)
What Caused Our Second Divorce (Sept/15/2005)
How I Ended Up Off My Meds and Why I Started Smoking Weed (Nov/15/2005)
What Led Me To Seeking Employment and Risking My Disability (Dec/15/2005
2006 In A Nutshell (Dec/15/2006)
2007 Summed Up (Dec/15/2007)
2008, Part 1, The 'CRASH' (March/2008)

Please check out 'My Favorite Inpirational' Album
A project I am continuosly working on and adding to.

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Does The Guilt Ever End?

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:06:34 PDT

Well Folks... my 20yr old son did it to me again last night. Around 2:30 in the morning he started calling me. I wouldn't answer the phone but every time the answering machine answered he would hang up and call back again.... repeatedly! So I finally gave in and answered it. All I heard on the other end was my son jabbering on about a fight, needing help, something about leaving his girlfriend somewhere and wanting to come over to my place, (when he was literally around the corner from his own place). I really couldn't get any sense out of him and thought he was after being jumped or something and was hurt. He was crying so hard I couldn't say no to him.

He finally showed up around 3am and DRUNK. He was incoherent and not making any sense. One minute saying he was fighting with his father. The next minute he was fighting with his girlfriend and he started believing that she was at my place with him. I had to repeatedly tell him we were alone. Then he called me into the bathroom and he sat on the toilet seat (covered), wrapped his arms around my hips as I stood next to him, hugged me as tight as he could and just started crying his eyes out. He was saying things like he was tired of people giving him a hard time and being on his case, he wasn't happy with his life.... and I started feeling those guilty feelings again! Then I started crying!

You know those feelings.... the "If I had to do things different back then, would things be different today?", feelings. I feel so responsible and GUILTY for every ones lives being in turmoil and continuously wonder if I had to be Diagnosed back in 1985, when I first attempted suicide, would our lives be different today?

Will a day ever come that I will stop feeling guilty!

I finally managed to get my son settled down on my sofa and he passed out. Only problem was that now he had me upset and it took me a while to settle down enough to go back to bed. By the time I woke up this morning (11:30), he was gone! I called him and left a message that he was a 'character'. Waking me in the middle of the night, getting me upset then leaving before I get up without even leaving a note.

He did call me back later on, apologized and filled me in on what little details he could remember. Then, I guess out of guilt he offered to get me some weed and I told him I was broke but asked him to loan me $20 to get some and he agreed! (Like I said... must be guilt!).

He dropped back this evening with his girlfriend and some weed for me. They stuck around for a bit and we watched funny videos on google and YouTube. It was a nice evening... and when he left he told me to not worry about paying him back! Though I'm expecting that to change come the weekend when he's broke... we'll see.

It was SOOO great to have some weed (a draw) tonight though. It's the first time I felt hungry and was able to eat in a couple of days. I have enough left over for a joint or two tomorrow also so that's good.... then just one more day till payday! I pity my poor girlfriend. She's a week or more without any. I don't know how she's handling it at all! We were suppose to get together yesterday, and she was going to loan me the money to go in on bag or half bag or something! However it seems as though all of my resources have dried up for the moment and I can't get any, also the weather did not cooperate what-so-ever. So now we are planning on getting together Tuesday... even if it means me getting a bus there!

I just wish I was in a better position to help my children. I know they are hurting.

I'm in a hard enough spot as it is myself. I found out the other day that my rent is going up another $225! I have to pay that (my rent) this paycheck and with that big increase it doesn't leave much left over for my meds (I have a 3 day supply left), groceries, cigs, and of course weed. I can't afford ANY really, but I got to get some!

'Til Next Time

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'Kids! They think we don't know them.'

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:07:40 PDT

My days are so quiet lately with Danny gone and my son not being around as much. As much as I use to complain about my son showing up so early every day, now I miss those visits. Every day he would get off work at 7am and he'd call me around 8:30 and come to my place. We would smoke some weed together, play video games, watch movies, or just hang out till about 2pm when he would go home to sleep. We were more like 'Best Buds' than we were Mother and Son. Now since he quit smoking and 'toking' (he quit about 3 weeks ago... I am proud of him for that!) he has stopped coming around and I miss him.

Apparently he is spending a lot of time with his sister, nephew and father now. That hurts too... as much as I am glad he is getting a relationship with his sister and father, I feel like he has betrayed me and has teamed up with my enemy's. How sick is that? I feel like he has turned against me for having a lifestyle that he no longer had, and because I continued to have that lifestyle he was against me!

My son has been talking about getting his own place for a few months now... always complaining about his roommate and best friend. Constantly asking my opinion about it, and I'd tell him that it would be hard on just minimum wage by himself... and then he gets upset with me for being so negative.

So, today he shows up, first time I've seen him in a few weeks now, and after chatting a bit he starts to tell me about how his sister and brother-in-law are finding it hard financially. ( I also warned them about getting a house and they didn't listen to me either!) He said, "I know Mom, You warned them and you were right." So... in order to help THEM out, he was going to move in with them at the end of this month, March. He will pay them $400 monthly board, buy his own groceries, plus contribute towards the common groceries. I said that it's not going to work out, for many reasons.... he's sleep time is going to be when the baby is awake during the day, he's too far from his work and no transportation back and forth, but most of all.... he and his sister have NEVER gotten along together while living under the same roof!

On top of that he tells me that it will only be for a few months then he and his FATHER will be getting a place together. OH MY GOD! They have NEVER EVER had a relationship! I know that will never work out!!!

My Prediction!

OK people, here it is.... mark this date, Mar/7/09.

Although I did ask him (half-heartedly) if he wanted to move back with me and he declined due to me still smoking and toking, and also because the second bedroom is now my computer room and he knows I am quite comfortable. As much as I do want to see him happy, I can't tell you how much relief swept over my body.

However, I do Predict that by April 1st my son will be here with me!

Want To Know More? Check out these postings...
(Check Back For New Postings Of My Life History)

What Caused Our Second Divorce (Sept/15/2005)
How I Ended Up Off My Meds and Why I Started Smoking Weed (Nov/15/2005)
What Led Me To Seeking Employment and Risking My Disability (Dec/15/2005
2006 In A Nutshell (Dec/15/2006)
2007 Summed Up (Dec/15/2007)
2008, Part 1, The 'CRASH' (March/2008)

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Where I Am Today

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:09:04 PDT

Where I Am Today
Just a look into the life of a 47 year old mother of two, (and grand-mother), and how being Bi-Polar(II) has affected her life

Hello, and Welcome!

Recently, (Apr/2008), I was diagnosed as being Bipolar(II), and having Social Anxiety Disorder. As much as I hate being labelled as Bipolar, at that point my life was in such a shambles (AGAIN!) that I just accepted the diagnosis. However THIS time, I finally have a doctor I trust and more importantly, like. I also have a Therapist who has been after me to keep a Journal. I'm sorry, but to me, anything put in writing 'can and will be held against you' at some point.... meaning that somebody is bound to find it and read it!

(Instead, I prefer an anonymous Blog. I can post what I want and decide who, if anyone, can see it.)

In order for you to understand where I am today, I'll have to fill you in on a little history. To put a long story in a nut-shell I'll just sum it up like this for now, and get into the details later.

(I apologize for any repetition in my Post's. I am trying to Post events of my life in Chronological order, (which they are in my Archives), but here they are backwards and the facts of the story of my life may be confusing if not followed in order. So just to recap... )

In May/2003, my mother passed away from liver failure. She had a very long, slow death, and my sister and I cared for her and my father while she was ill. She was 68 yrs old.

In Feb/2004 our best friend died on our sofa, suddenly, in his sleep.

Jul/2004 we had a house fire and lost virtually everything.

In Nov/2004 my father died suddenly in his sleep.

In Dec/2004, I was married, living with both my children and husband in our own home. Our home was just completely renovated and furnished due to the house fire we had in July that same year. We had a fairly new minivan in the driveway, 2 cats and 1 dog.

By Feb/2005, I had left my husband and children and moved to Ontario.

(Find out why, here)

In Apr/2005, I came back to try to save the house from repossession... 3 or 4 days later I was in the Psychiatric unit after trying to commit suicide.

In Jul/2005, I was finally released from hospital and sent to a Woman's shelter, where I stayed until I acquired this apartment in Sept/2005.

At this point the medication I was on (Seroquel) had caused me to gain back any weight I had lost in hospital and more besides... I was 220lbs and wore size 18 clothes. The medications also caused me to be tired/sleepy and I slept a lot the time.

These are the medications I was taking...

Seroquel - 300mg a(m) and 400mg (pm) - 700mg daily

Effexor XR - 337.5 daily

Epival - 750mg twice a day - 1500mg daily

Pantolac - 40 mg daily

I moved into my apartment with nothing but donations that were given to the women's shelter. My box spring and mattress someone had thrown out to the garbage and was on the side of the curb! I KID YOU NOT! They called the shelter to tell them they were throwing it out and I grabbed it when they did.

I'm still using the same set, (with a board between them), to this day. What I wouldn't give for a good quality box spring and mattress set!

Most of the lovely, NEW, quality furniture we had, my husband slowly sold for less than nothing, except for 2 or 3 small pieces he gradually gave me (Most of which was furniture from my parents house. By Jun/2006 (approx) everything was gone, including the house. It was repossessed. The worse part is, is that all of the utility bills were in my name (phone, electricity, cable, internet), and were all disconnected due to no payments. There were other accounts in my name plus the mortgage, and 2 loans we had out in both our names. To this day I can't do anything in my name, not even as much as get a phone. I don't even think I can get a vehicle registered in my name, because the van was in my name and my husband has about $300 worth of traffic tickets racked up on it , plus he didn't pay all the insurance payments and there is $200 owing there. (Not that I can afford a vehicle).

Financially my life is ruined... what can I do... I am only on disability, people working minimum wage make more than I do. Funny thing is that when I was working I was making $2.25 more an hour than minimum wage, that was back in 1995. Now I make less than minimum wage.... Go Figure! I live in subsidized housing. I can't pay these bills and I can't afford to declare bankruptcy!

Where Am I today?

Currently, I live alone with my cat, and two budgie birds (they were my daughters, now I'm stuck with them), in the same two bedroom bedroom. My weight has dropped to 155lbs and I'm down to a size 12. I've been seeing a new Doc since Apr/2008 and he has got me regulated on...

Epival - 750mg daily

EffexorXR - 150mg daily
Winter is usually the hardest time of the year for me. At least in the spring and summer months I can get out a bit more, even if it is just to sit by the door with a friend or go for a walk with someone. However during the winter I can't get out at all and have to rely on other people to do my shopping or errands.

Between my 'physical' disability's and my mental health, my days are usually (99%) spent at home alone. I run the same routine everyday.... I wake each morning to my cat, sitting on my bed directly in front of my face staring at me, and as soon as I open my eyes she starts nudging me. I get up, flick the kettle on, go to the bathroom, wash, and brush my teeth. While I wait for the kettle to boil I give the cat a few treats to keep her away from my feet. I pour up my tea and as it steeps I uncover the birds and open their cage door. I turn the TV on to the 70's MaxTrax station, then I get my tea and head to the "computer room'.

Here I spend the rest of my day. I have a little table with two chairs set up in front of the window and sometimes I sit there for HOURS. I average 1 cup of tea every half hour (Tetley of course), and I smoke a joint about every hour or so. Even if I am on the computer, my chair is in a position where I can still see out the window.

I try to keep the windows in this room open all the time, for several reasons.

For one thing, I feel like I'm suffocating when the windows are barred up all winter. It's like the air gets stale or something and I can't breath.

Also, I enjoy listening to the sounds of 'life'... people talking, children's screams, a dog barking in the distance, birds singing... it makes me feel like I am a 'part' of it in some way.

Then, of course, there's the smoke!

It's not that I am afraid to go out, only that I'm afraid to go out ALONE! I was always self-conscious but now having to use a cane has made me a lot worse. Over the years there were many things I found embarrassing, that the average person considered a normal action... like just walking alone... going to a restaurant alone and eating in public... ANY form of public exercise (which is why I hated physio so much)... wearing a bathing suit... entering any club/bar/dance alone... pushing a stroller or carriage... pushing or pulling any object (like a cart)... I could probably go on, it's just that the point I'm trying to make is that now I am afraid to go anywhere alone... between all of my phobia's and disability's I find it very hard to go through my door alone. Even checking my mail is a major task for me today, and I don't have to leave my building to do that... yet it can take me weeks to go out to check it.

I live in a security building, which means that people have to "buzz" you to get in the building to see you. When my buzzer goes off and I'm not expecting anyone, the first thing I do is look out my window for a familiar vehicle, if I don't see one I won't answer the buzzer. If someone knocks on my door I creep up to it and look out the peephole to see who it is before I decide to open it... many times I don't open it. I don't answer any calls I don't recognize or know on the caller ID... or 'Private' calls, 'Unknown' callers, or long distance calls, especially toll-free numbers. I don't even like talking on the phone, except to say what I had to say. (This being on a phone for 20, 30 minutes or more in idle chit chat irritates the hell out of me!)

I am a pessimist... always looking at or expecting the negative. That way I'm never disappointed!

I'm a procrastinator... always putting things off till the last minute which has caused me many problems over the years... usually just from being late submitting important info and forms.

I live day by day... I don't like making plans for future dates... I just respond with a, "We'll see when that day comes." Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring. What happened yesterday or the day before or last week, last month, last year is gone and in the past... it's done and over. There is nothing you can do about it but learn from it. Other than that it's just a memory.

I believe everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as coincidence.

Also I am Atheist. I have no belief in any organized religion or the bible. SUE ME!

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2008, Part 1, "The CRASH"

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:30:12 PST

2008, Part 1, "The CRASH"

I did manage to make it through the holidays and after a lot of soul-searching I finally came to the realization that my habit had to stop. I told my son and he informed me that he and his friends were doing the same thing (quitting weed) and we made an agreement to quit on New Years.

Well..... I am not sure about everyone else, but by the 4th of Jan/2008 I had quit my habit. The day I took my last pill was Wed, Jan.9.... by that time I was having a hard time trying to deal with my withdrawals from marijuana. Plus the fact that I was no longer smoking the marijuana I had to try to deal with the nausea and dizziness from my Meniere's disease again, along with the pain from my injury.

My paranoia steadily increased and the stress of my problems started to dwell on me more and more every day. By Friday, Jan 11th I was at my wits end. I was physically ill at this point, my dizziness was getting more and more severe and my "nerves" were very fragile. I had an upset with my Ex and son that night To this day I can't remember what it was over, but apparently I really freaked out and kicked them both out.

The following morning I woke up to not only pain (getting more severe from lying in bed a few days), nausea and dizziness but now I had those "electric-shock" feelings pulsating through-out my body every time I moved my eyes and I was physically trembling. Every sound just 'vibrated' through me causing me to get nauseated. (I remembered these same feelings.... they were the same feelings I experience back in 0ct/2005 when I had stopped taking my medications... and assumed that these feelings were from the Effexor.)

I had no Gravol (about the only remedy for Meniere's Disease) and not as much as an aspirin in the place. I had the garbage bucket at the side of my bed, was laying half on my side and half on my stomach, with a pillow over my head to drown the noise and just tried to stay still.

The ringing of the phone was so sickening that I turned the volume ringers off on all of them. But the worse thing was the 'Buzzer' of the security system, it was really loud! It would actually drive me insane with the 'vibrations' through my body and the 'electric shocks' in my head.

Getting to the bathroom without falling down was a major problem. It was during one of these trips to the bathroom that my son showed up at my building. I was in the process of trying to get out of bed when the buzzer went off. Now, you see, my son is one persistent little 'PRICK' when he wants to be. So he just stands in the lobby and continually buzzes and buzzes and buzzes... he was driving me INSANE! On the way to the bathroom I fell in the hallway, (facing my front door) just outside the bathroom. As I struggled to get up somebody knocks on my door. It was my son, someone had let him in the building.... so now he was at my door not only persistently knocking, but calling out to me as well. (He thought I was still angry with him from the night before and that's why I wasn't answering... he didn't realize the shape I was really in). By this time I had made it to the bathroom, urging my guts up, and I couldn't take it anymore and just hysterically screamed to him to get away from me!

After making it back to my bed, I spent the rest of that day listening to 'people' constantly knocking on my door. I tried to eat and drink but I just kept throwing everything up. I continued keeping myself shut off from everyone, refusing to answer the door or the phone.... staying in the dark..... unable to do anything other than lie down and sleep. I was even afraid to get a shower because I was afraid I would fall in it. By Jan/18 I knew that I had to do something. I called my Ex for help stating that I think I needed to see a Dr, not for my mental health but for my physical health.... at this point I had been unable to keep much of anything down for a week and I was starting to get concerned. My Ex informed me that he had no transportation at that time, and I never heard back from him.
Early the next morning (Jan/19) I decided to call the new Health-Care line and I spoke with the nurse and told her my symptoms.... my main question was if what I was experiencing, the "electric shock" feeling could be due to withdrawal from the EffexorXR but she didn't know.

She then informed me of the "Walk-In" clinics that are around the city.... something else I did not know. She also told me that they were opened that day, Saturday.

So.... 10:15 that morning I forced myself to get dressed and called a cab and went to the nearest clinic. I told the Dr of my symptoms and also told him about the Meniere's, Acid Reflux and depression. As soon as I mentioned the Effexor XR he literally threw up his hands and said that was what I was going through.... ALL that I was going through was due to the withdrawals from the Effexor and there was nothing he could do for me. He offered to write me a prescription for the Effexor but I explained to him that I could not get it filled cause I could not afford it.... he looked for samples but could not find any..... I asked him for at least some help with the nausea but he had no gravol either. But he did give me some Prevacid for the Acid Reflux?? Go figure.... I was hoping that he would of at least checked my vitals as I was concerned about my physical health.... I know I had lost a lot of weight that week and I was concerned.

I left his office and entered The Supermarket, I withdrew my last 20 dollars (which had to get me through the next 9 days) and headed for the pharmacy to get some Gravol, however the lineup was too long and I could not wait.... at this point I was trembling more severely than ever and sweating severely.... I honestly thought I was going to pass out, so I just hopped in a cab and came home. When I got home, (feeling no further ahead than before I left) I broke and called my dealer. With my last 10 dollars I bought some marijuana and smoked it..... and for the first time in a week I was able to eat and keep it down.

I had a little left the next day (Sunday) and smoked that and again was able to eat.

I knew I needed help..... but I was literally broke.... I had completely isolated myself from my family and the outside world.... was living in darkness and was afraid of the phone. I was unable to function.... neglecting my pets (a cat and two budgies), unable to do any housework and still afraid/unable to shower due to dizziness/off-balance and afraid I may fall in the shower. I was afraid to leave my apartment and when I (seldom) checked my mail it was either really late at night or very early in the morning, when I knew there was nobody around.

Desperate, I did the only thing I could do... I reached out to my sister. (She had been trying to connect with me for a few months now and I wouldn't respond.) So I emailed her and she emailed back. After a few days and many emails I was ready to let her come see me.

She showed up with bags and bags of stuff, DVD's to watch, magazines to read, groceries, cigarettes, and munchies (sweets). I had found the prescription my family doctor wrote for me back in July and she got me a 3 month supply along with Gravol and Tylenol. (That's the way she is and always was... it's like she thrives on being the 'life-saver' in 'emergency' situations.)

She was so shocked when I answered the door... the last time she saw me (at Dad's Funeral) I was about 200lbs.... now I was about 165lbs. We embraced each other in a long, heartfelt hug and cried. I was trembling so badly I had a job to stand (mostly from nerves) and she had to hold me up and help me to the couch.

That same day my son showed up and I was then informed about my daughter. Apparently, she was one of the people knocking on my door that day. Not only her, but my grandson as well! She was at my door because the baby had a temperature she didn't know what to do and wanted my help! So now she was furious with me and not talking to me. Along with that, the baby's Christening was a few weeks away and I was told to show up. Now, I'm in some shape to go to a Christening! However I knew if I didn't go it would be the end of any chance I have with to have a relationship with my daughter.

OK... so let's think about this. Basically I'm being punished for being 'sick'. For 1 thing, I was to sick too answer the door. Even if I could have answered it, I was too sick to be of any use to her or the baby... I had no baby tylenol... I had no transportation... what did she expect me to do? Take them on my back? She had tylenol and was giving it to him, what else did she expect me to do?

Tell me? What would she have done if I hadn't lived so close to her?

During the next few weeks my sister made frequent visits, continuously bringing me groceries, cigarettes, clothes etc. Every weekend she brought me to her place to get me out of the apartment, and we'd watch movies all weekend. Within a few weeks I was doing much better, but still not 100% emotionally. It was also the day of the baby's christening...

I think that day will be put down as one of the hardest I have ever had to go through in my life! My daughter or her boyfriend were still not talking to me and I had to go to church to face them, plus HIS relatives (you know how family gossips). Also she had invited MANY members of my family whom I hadn't seen since Dad's funeral, and I didn't know who was going to show up! As if that wasn't bad enough, my sister was throwing the party afterward at her house and I had to go to that also.

Can you believe we were LATE for the ceremony! My sister assumed the Christening was going to take place after the service, but this was different and done during the service. So when we arrived the service had already begun and we walked in the church that my daughter told us to use and ended up right in front of everybody! One of my biggest fears... standing in front of a crowd! I didn't think I would make it to the designated pew.

My daughter never acknowledged me what-so-ever.

After the service, nobody approached or acknowledged me, and everyone started leaving so I just followed suit and left as well. I was a nervous wreck that I was going to meet up with some relative... and I did... my father's sister. She was her usual sweetheart self but I still felt uncomfortable, not knowing what has been said about me to her this past few years.

Not many people showed up at the Christening party, none of my family aside from my Ex and son. I wasn't there 5 mins when I sat in the armchair with a cup of tea, and my sister's dog jumped on me and spilt all over my suit, her chair and rug. Another great beginning. Then I found out that they had pictures taken after the Ceremony... with everyone... the Minister, God-Parents and Grand-Parents (?)... nobody told me about that. So they took a picture of me with my Grand-Son, but it's not the same. After that I kept to myself in the shadows, anxiously waiting for my sister to drive me home, until finally my Ex offered to drive me.

As the days went by, with my sister's help, I got better and stronger. However now I had to deal with my problems:

My Annual Review was up and way past due with 'Disability'... I knew once they got all the required info that I would be cut off and I still had to find the courage to see my Family Doctor! Try to explain to him how I worked for a year without telling him... how I still needed an annual review filled out by him for 'Disability'... Why I stopped seeing the 'Shrink' he referred me to... and beg him to help me AGAIN! Just the thoughts of it terrified me, he intimidates me so much (any authority figure does), so I asked my sister to go with me, she agreed and I booked the appointment.

Needless to say, he was not very 'pleased' as I started to relate to him the events of this past few years. The dishonesty and deceit... I could see the anger in his eyes... I trembled uncontrollably and started crying. So my sister started to speak... something she is extremely well at... she proceeded to describe to him the situation she found me in back in January and it's only due to the Effexor that I was as 'well' as I was. By the time she had finished his demeanor changed and he lightened up a little.

He told us about this Day Clinic at the hospital which speeds up the normal 'Wait' times to see a Psychiatrist and they also give you a Therapist and access to a Social Worker and other programs. My sister volunteered to be my driver and I agreed to check it out. The next day I got a call to book an appointment with the Intake Nurse, for my assessment interview which determines if I could benefit from their services. The first appointment wasn't until early April, about 4 weeks away... so I just had to wait.

Around the end of Mar/2008, my worse fears happened...

Fear #1: My 'Annual Review' Report was back and long story short, due to my working, my 'Disability' was now reduced to $202 bi-weekly. I was expecting it... I deserved it... but I still hoped that they would take special consideration in my case due to everything I had been through the last 5yrs. I wrote them a 20 page letter detailing everything. I expressed to them that I believed my injury (suffered 13 yrs ago) and chronic pain (13 yrs of it) has only added to my Mental Health problems and hoped that they would help me with my medication or with transportation costs, or at least get me a Therapist. They wouldn't even discuss it... I don't even think they read my detailed letter. However I did have the right to appeal and had 30 days to do so.

Fear #2: My daughter found out about the credit card I have in her name! I've had the card since Nov/2005 and since that time there just didn't seem to be a right time to tell her. When I first got the card in Nov she wasn't speaking to me... since then, it's been a steady up and downhill struggle, talking, not talking and the she got pregnant.

Anyway, her and her 'boyfriend' were trying to acquire a Mortgage (against every body's better judgement as we all knew they couldn't afford their own home). They went to several Banks, Financial Institute, and Mortgage Broker but kept getting rejected... finally they went to the Credit Bureau and checked into their credit ratings and that's when she discovered the Credit Card.... not because it was in the Credit Bureau... payments were always kept up on it... they had their own bills that were not paid... like her school loan and an old light bill etc... but my credit card was listed under her name. So she found about it the wrong way and Fear #2 became a reality!

I won't go into great detail here except to say that 'ANGER' is not a the word to use to describe their emotion when they confronted me in my own apartment. Yelling and screaming, asking why I never told her in the 2 yrs I had it... I said, "When was a good time? We were either not talking, or trying to build a relationship and then she got pregnant. When is a good time to pop in and say, "Oh by the way, I got a credit card in your name when you where in Alberta!"

As I said before... I KNOW IT WAS WRONG! This is the kind of thing that being Bi-Polar causes. Irrational thinking and behaviour.

They both stood there and tore into me viciously as they accused me of stealing from her. (That card never cost her a dime, yes I used her identity falsely, but I didn't run it up to it's limit and leave it there for here to pay off.) Then she told me she had contacted the credit card company and informed them it was a fraudulant account and closed the account. (I'm still paying on it though). She also informed me that she was pressing formal charges against me for fraud! I PANICKED!

Now, between losing most of my disability this with my daughter, plus the threat of having charges pressed against me set me in such a spiral spin that I completely shut the world out of my life for several days. I kept my blinds drawn, all phones were unplugged, lights were kept off at all times and I especially didn't answer the door!

I was in such a state of despair. It was bad enough worrying about my finances, how I was going to manage on basically $100 a week, terrified I was going to lose my apartment. Now I was terrified of going to Jail! I knew I couldn't handle that and I seriously thought about attempting suicide again. In all honesty, the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I didn't want to burden my children with the costs of my funeral or leaving them with my debts. I was so far down I didn't think I would ever get back up.

After a few days of this self-imposed isolation, I decided to check my email. There were several there from my sister. She had called and emailed a numerous amount of times. Since I was not responding she was very concerned (she found my father dead in bed) and her last email stated she was coming over and I better answer the door or she would get the Super to open it. (She knew all about my daughter and the credit card before they came to my place. She asked my daughter not to do anything right away and was upset that my daughter went ahead and reported it.)

My sister did come over and I did let her in. She was in tears when she got to my door. Partly due to relief that I was all right and partly due to anger that I worried her so much. With my history I guess I couldn't blame her.

It was shortly after this that I started at the Day Clinic at the hospital and was connected with a Therapist, Social Worker and a Psychiatrist. Together they all helped me to acquire assistance to help with my rent and they contacted subsidized housing for me and straightened out my rent on a lower income with them. My Doc increased the Effexor I was already taking and started me on Epival. As the days went by and then weeks I started to improve dramatically. The credit card issue died down, but I was cut off from all contact with my daughter and grandson. The next time I saw my Grandson was Dec/28/2008, nine months later! He never knew me and cried when I held him. It broke my heart.

End Of 2008, Part 1, 'The Crash'

2008, Part 2, The 'Comeback' ..... Coming Soon

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2007 Summed Up...

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:29:20 PST

2007 Summed Up...

Now that I didn't have any extra income coming in, I had to come to terms with certain facts....

1. I realized with tax season coming that I had jeopardized my claim with my Disability Pension

2. I wasn't making enough money to pay for my marijuana habit.

3. My mental health was deteriorating very quickly and I knew I needed to get started on something, but could not afford to pay the prescription.

4. I still needed dental work done.

5. I needed new glasses because my eyes have deteriorated badly.

6. I desperately needed insurance.

7. I needed help!!!

After a prolonged argument with my son I started charging him $75 bi-weekly (I wanted more but he would only agree to that amount).... he kept reminding me of how I promised him that if he moved in with me I would not charge him board and said I went back on my word! He forgot the "As long as I was working" part. He became angry and resentful towards me for quitting my job. He wouldn't understand what was at risk.

I would love to be able to work, but I have to be 100% certain that I would be able to continue working at the job until retirement before I would risk my disability again.... it may not be much, but at least it's a guaranteed income for the next 18yrs and it's better than Welfare. Or is it?? They may not give you a lot of money, but you get your prescriptions free, Eye Exams, Glasses, some dental... I mean I can understand why someone, with children especially, would rather stay in the system than try to work minimum wage with no benefits!

Believe it or not it was only during this time that I became aware of the new Provincial Drug program and applied to it.... elated that I maybe able to at least get started back on my meds..... several weeks after I applied I did get a drug card but was informed that I would still have to pay 55% of the cost of the drugs.... a help yes.... but still not enough.

At the end of Feb/2007 my daughter informed us that she was pregnant.... our emotions were very mixed as we are not too fond of her "partner" and they were really not in a good place financially (he was only making minimum wage at a gas-bar), and she was still too young (20yrs) to be tied down with a baby.... and once again I started dwelling on Life-Insurance and our personal debts.....

I am so terrified of burdening my children with our debt or funeral expenses.

As the weeks progressed my mental state became more and more fragile.... I was becoming more and more depressed.... even the weed wasn't helping anymore. I became more and more reclusive/anti-social, even the simplest task was becoming difficult for me.... not answering the phone if I did not recognize the number, even making a simple phone call was too difficult to do... I tried my hardest to fight it and for a brief time it would seem like I was winning, but eventually it would all creep up on me again and, except for my children, I shut myself off to the world.

I knew my only chance would be to contact my Family Doctor, but for some reason I found that to be a very difficult task also. I think up until that point I had only seen him once since my hospital stay I felt ashamed to face him and guilty as he did not know about my working either.... so I continued to try to function to the best of my ability, especially now that I had both of my children back in my life.

Finally in Jun/2007 I did the only thing I could think of doing, I wrote my Doctor a letter, asking him for help, detailing all that I was going through emotionally and physically, including my use of Marijuana, and requested that if he would agree to see me again if he could refer me to a Psychiatrist. It took a few weeks but finally his office called me and booked an appointment for me on the Jul/12/2007. Even then, I think that the only reason I made it to that appointment was because my daughter had an appointment the same day with her Doctor which was in the same office as mine.

My Doctor was his usual charming, concerned self and he agreed to refer me to a Psychiatrist and wrote me a prescription for 75mg EffexorXR to get me started. He also informed me that he still did not believe that I was Bi-Polar and believed that my problems were more of an accumulation of all the events that had happened so quickly during the past few years. I hoped he was right but I knew when I left his office that day that I was not going to be able to get the prescription filled.

By that time I had fallen behind in my bills and was struggling to keep groceries in the house and keep up with everything to ensure that I did not lose my lights, phone or cable.... I especially did not want to put my son through that experience AGAIN..... also at this point I was terrified that if I gave up smoking the marijuana that I would end up back in hospital again and I did not want to put my children through that ordeal again either, especially now that I was starting to build a relationship with my daughter again.

By this time my Ex, daughter, son and myself were all getting along fairly well. At least we were all talking to each other again. My Ex had started doing carpentry, renovations and repairs for 'acquaintances' of his for cash money (we call these jobs 'Hobbles'). Some of these jobs included working on summer cabins and he started inviting my daughter and her boyfriend out for overnights or weekends (camping was something we all loved doing).

Then he started inviting me as well.

It was so great to get out into the country again! The peace! The fresh air! Fishing! Boat rides! Wildlife! The Night Sky! It was like time had gone back 5yrs. We were all getting along so well, my Ex and I too well!

In August he had one of these 'hobbles', the owner needed a lot of renovations done in a month. My Ex asked me to go with him, maybe I could paint a fence... so I did, and we spent over 3 weeks together. We got along so great! My daughter and son dropped out a few times for a visit or overnight stay... we were like a family again! Then we got paid (I actually made $800 for painting a couple of fences!) and I started thinking about which bills I was going to pay and how much weed I could get... and where is the first place he heads? To a cursed Bar to play those cursed machines! What could I do, he was driving! So before you know it I started playing them too... the next thing you know, my daughter and boyfriend are there and they start playing them too (but they had no money). By the time we left the club I had just over $100 left in my pockets. My Ex was no different. You can imagine how guilty we both felt. I was actually going home in worse shape than when I left because I was keeping us going in tobacco and groceries while we waited to get paid because he was broke. He was suppose to pay me back but he never.

As if that wasn't bad enough, having to go home to face my son. The first words out of his mouth were; "So, How much money did you make?" He was already rotted about being left alone so long, (That was his first time being left alone. Like "Home Alone", the novelty wears off after awhile!)

So, we arrived at my apartment and we started unloading the truck. My Ex gave me whatever was there in groceries and household items and helped me unpack it and put it away. When we were done he invited me out for a coffee (drive-through), and we sat in the lot and chatted for a bit. Then he went back to his 'girl' friend and I never heard a word from him for weeks later! I couldn't believe it! After just spending almost a month together, intimately, he went back to her place and stayed there.

At this time, (since Jun/2007) my daughter was off work due to 'health reasons' connected to her pregnancy. She and her boyfriend had to give up their apartment and move in with his father in order to try to save money and pay their bills while they tried to prepare for the babies arrival. (We all knew that this situation would not work out), and by the end of Aug/2007 they had both ended up moving in with me again until they finally, once again, got another apartment in Oct/07.... this time in the same building as mine on the fourth floor....

For several weeks they lived with me, along with my son and his friend (The son of the man who died on our chesterfield). He had been kicked out of his home as well and I could not say no to him..... things got pretty strained and stressed during that time... 5 adults, 2 cats and 4 budgie birds in a small 2 bedroom apartment. It was hard keeping groceries going and on several occasions I had no other choice but to go to "The Cash Store" for cash advances.... the only problem with that was that you borrow $100.00 and have to pay back $150.00..... also at this point I had gotten into the habit of making the monthly payment on that credit card and two days later taking out a cash advance... and I was putting myself further and further behind until finally I am at the point that I get my check and after I pay what should be paid I am lucky if I have $60.00 left from my check.... causing me to again go to the Cash Store or get a cash advance on my credit card, keeping me in overdraft

It was not until Sept/2007, with the help of a new found 'girlfriend' I had made in my building, that I was able to acquire the EffexorXR.... she gave me a months supply, and then another in October. She also supplied me with 10mg Ativan, Flexerol, and Atasol-30.... to help me deal/function the days I had to go without marijuana. At that time (the end of Sept/2007) my daughter and her boyfriend were in the process of moving into their apartment and my son was moving in with some of his friends and I finally had my place to myself.

I was honestly contented with the fact that the kids were settled and I had my place to myself and I tried to concentrate on cleaning it up. My problem was that I was broke and was not only having trouble keeping up with my bills, but it was getting harder and harder to support my marijuana habit. I'd have severe "PANIC" attacks the minute I smoked my last joint. Terrified that either I could not get any money to obtain more or I couldn't find anyone who had any. I depended on marijuana for so much this past two years.... everyday, 365 days a year for two years... to help me deal with my emotional state, to overcome the nausea from my Meniere's disease and to dull the pain.... pain that I have felt since the day of my injury in Nov/1995! I depended on it everyday just to function normally.

My 'friend' could identify with me, my story and my history. I expressed my fears to her of "CRASHING BIG TIME" and ending up back in hospital. She understood where I was coming from as she had a similar past as mine. Between the two of us we managed to keep each other going with our habit and when times got rough she was my pharmacy. How she was able to get so many prescriptions at any time was not my concern.

Finally in Oct/2007 I received a phone call from a Psychiatrist's office and on Oct/24/2007 I had my first appointment with her (she was German). Her office was on the other side of the city... this meant a 10 minute walk with a cane to the bus stop, waiting for the bus, trying to get on and off the bus a 30 minute ride to get there and a 5 minute walk to her office!

I have to admit that I was disappointed she had no info on me. I was expecting her to have a file or notes on my stay in hospital in 2005, but she had nothing! So not only did I have to explain to her what I was going through at that time, I also had to fill her in on my history. The conversation was very frustrating at times!

I told her of my problems with past addictions, including alcohol and gambling and I informed her of my current habit with marijuana. I tried to explain my financial situation to her and how prescriptions were hard for me to afford. I also told her that my 'friend' had supplied me with Effexor XR (75mg) this past two months.

I became even more frustrated with her when it seemed like all she was focused on was the gambling..... she just kept dwelling on the gambling and asking me about gambling and I kept trying to tell her that gambling was not a problem right now. Then, after explaining to her that I was having trouble affording prescriptions and my 'friend' was keeping me going with the EffexorXR.... after all that she writes me a prescription for a different drug! She also stated that she did not think I was Bi-Polar, just depressed due to the events of the past few years. By the end of my 30 minutes I was more frustrated than before I went in and more discouraged. I felt like she didn't listen to me.

Two weeks later (Nov/7/2007) I saw her for a second time.... again she started in on the gambling and again I told her that gambling is not a problem for me now. She again suggested I contact addiction services (which I assumed was for the gambling) and then I informed her that I did not get her prescription filled, but I was still taking the EffexorXR. After a few brief questions on how I was feeling she wrote me another prescription. This time for a larger (more expensive) dose of Effexor XR (112.5mg). This session was only 15 min. long.

My next appointment with her was scheduled for Nov/23/2007. That day was miserable outside and I had no transportation or money for the bus. My 'friend' offered me her bus pass but still, going out in bad weather, walking with a cane to the bus-stop, and waiting for a bus, let alone trying to get on the bus to and back from her office for the sake of a 15 min visit was not worth it for me, so I called and rescheduled for the next week, Nov/29/2007.

Funny thing happened the night before my next appointment..... my 'friend' was expecting a delivery of marijuana that day (Wed/Nov.28th) and by 6pm that evening it had not arrived. As usual, she asked me to get it for her when it arrived and hold onto it. Something we had done MANY times.... the only difference was I forgot that it was her Darts night and she was not going to work. This meant that instead of being home around 10:15pm she would not be getting home till about 1a.m.. During this time I was going through a period where I was getting up around 5:30 every morning and it wasn't very often I was awake past 10pm ANY night. That night was no different and by 9:30 I was falling asleep on the chesterfield.

Not being able to fight it anymore I went to bed and fell asleep watching TV.... it was about 10:30p.m...... thinking that my 'friend' would get her stuff in the morning as she had done in the past if I was asleep.... she would know by looking at my windows when she got home, if I was awake my living room lights where on, if they were off I was in bed.... everyone in my apartment building knew that! Also I am a very, VERY heavy sleeper!!!!!!

The next thing I knew I was awakened by a pounding on my door. I assumed it was my son.... he came to my place most mornings after he got off work from the night-shift at 7am. I didn't look at the clock but stumbled to the door. When I looked through the peep-hole I was very shocked to find THREE police officers on the other side, 2 male, 1 female. I hesitated before opening the door remembering that I had my marijuana and my 'friends' marijuana left out in the open on my coffee table, let alone the marijuana plant I had growing in the bedroom closet!!. Worrying that they may smell the plant I hesitated and looked through the peep-hole again and watched as one officer headed down the stairs looking for the building's 'Super' and the other male officer lifted his leg in a motion like he was going to kick in my door but the female officer stopped him.... it was then that I figured I better open the door!

When I opened the door and greeted the officers they informed me that they received a call stating that "someone was trying to harm themselves" at my address. I was trembling, shocked and bewildered, still half-asleep and trying to focus.... my mouth was dry and I had trouble getting my words out. I started to panic! I just kept repeating... "Where??? Here??? At this apartment! Who ME???"

One officer asked me if I had just woken up and I said yes.... he asked me when I went to bed and I told him about 10:30 and asked what time it was then.... he said it was around 12:45am. They asked if I knew of anyone who would make a 'prank' call like that, or if I had any 'enemies' and I said no. They also said that normally they would have to come into the residence to check it out. I sharply refused, of course, stating... "No! I'm sleeping!".... thinking more about the marijuana on my coffee table and the plant in the closet.

Thankfully they left, but immediately my mind started racing as to who would make such a call like that, especially knowing my history. I started flashing back to 2 years ago when I was taken to hospital. I was trembling so badly I could hardly walk. I was getting ready to roll a joint when I noticed that the 2 police cars where still outside so I put the marijuana away and turned off the lights.

The only one I could think of at the time, who would have any reason to make that call was either my ex husband or one of my children as I had not had much contact with them for a week or so.. I called my Ex, furious, and asked him if he or one of the kids did it and he said no.... I called my son at his work and asked him and he said no. Then I called my friend, who sounded like I woke her and told her what had happened. She seemed surprised and rambled on about seeing the police, etc., etc.... we talked a bit then ended the call.

It was not till the next morning I noticed that I had messages. I could not believe what I heard.... it was my friend.... freaking out about getting what was hers (meaning her marijuana).... I had never heard her so crazed like that before! She was carrying on like a lunatic, acting like I purposely stole her "stuff"! I couldn't understand why she behaved like that. (She burned two holes in the carpet outside my door putting out cigarettes) I then called her, stating that I had gotten her messages and berated her over the phone about how she had carried on and how she knew I would not do something like that. I also accused her of being the one who called the police (as she had done so in the past with other people). I knew she had to work that day from 2 till 10 and I told her to come get her stuff. I had to call her back at 1:00 and tell her that if she didn't get her stuff before she went to work I could not guarantee that I would be awake by the time she got home that night and I did not want a repeat of the previous night. She picked up her stuff and I never had anything to do with her for a LONG time after. To be quite honest I was terrified of her from that moment on.

That night the police showed up at my door scared the life out of me and all I could think about was being hospitalized in 2005. It made me very paranoid and I was also feeling hurt and betrayed by my friend.... but most of all my level of trusting people was lost. I was so upset that I called my Doctor's office and cancelled the appointment. I was suppose to call back to book another appointment but was not able to pick up the phone.

As the days passed I kept to myself more and more, cutting myself off from everyone. My son showed up almost everyday and we smoked marijuana together, I think that was the only reason why I never shut him out of my life, because we had the same habit. Every few days I had to literally force myself to go upstairs to visit my daughter and grand-son (he was born late Oct). I relied on my Ex and children to run errands for me. I barely ventured through the door and seldom answered the phone unless it was the kids or my Ex.

Christmas was coming and I never had anything for anyone, not even my grand-son.... I just wanted to hide away till it was all over. Only for my children, especially my daughter I struggled through and forced myself to decorate and put up a tree. After all, it was my Grand-Sons first Christmas and all she wanted was to have a happy day with family without tears.

I have never felt so much guilt in my lifetime as I felt that Christmas. This was the first Christmas in my life that I never had any gifts for my children or grand-son, knowing that it was because of my habit that I had nothing, including groceries.... my fridge and cupboards were literally bare.... but as long as I had marijuana I was happy!!

Find out what happens next...

2008, Part 1, 'The Crash'

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2006 In A Nut Shell

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:28:02 PST

2006 In A Nut Shell

At first, working at the 'Coffee Shop' wasn't too bad and it was great to be around people.... I was working an average of 35 hrs a week for the first month or so, but then it started to get more and more difficult... I tried several different shifts during my employment, trying everything in order to keep my employment there and again my manager was very obliging... I tried evenings... 3 - 11pm but after awhile a full 8 hours was too hard.... standing for that length of time with only two 15 minute breaks... mornings and afternoons were too hectic for me as they were our busiest times and I could not keep up with the demands of the customers.... I even tried night-shift... 11pm till 7am.... the only thing I liked about those shifts were the lack of customers and the fact that you could get out for a smoke or a "toke" of weed. Yes we (other employees and myself) smoked weed while on the job.... it was the only way I could get through the long hours and required chores (which I hardly ever did)......

By the time my six months were up my hours had diminished drastically and I was having trouble getting more than 25 hours a week.... which meant that I was not entitled to the Employee Insurance as I was not working the required number of hours that were needed..... there were even some weeks that I worked 7 days straight trying to get my required amount of hours and still could not obtain 32 hours.

I continued to struggle to obtain 32 hours of work but as the weeks went by it got harder and harder until finally I had trouble working even 4 hours a day, even with the weed and I realized that all I was doing was working to pay for the Marijuana I was smoking.... at that point in time I was buying about $140.00 worth every two weeks.... so finally in Oct/2006 I felt I had no other choice but to quit my job there. By that time my mental state was so fragile that any negative remarks from any customer or staff member caused me to burst into tears.

During my employment there my son finally decided to move in with me. Up to that point he was staying between my place, friends and his father’s 'friend's' house and he needed a place to call home. So finally after several months, I convinced him to move in with me in Apr/2006. He had quit school and was not working and I told him that as long as I was working he did not have to worry about paying board and I tried to convince him to seek employment..... Meanwhile I kept him going the best I could with clothes, food, pocket money and even marijuana. At the same time his father and sister decided to get a place together which was kind of close to us so he could visit them often.... he did try to move in with them at one point but it didn't work out and again he decided to stay with me.... which he did till Oct/2007....

Also during my employment at the 'Coffee Shop', my relationship with my (ex-husband) went from him practically living with me (Jan-March) to becoming my worse enemy and showing up at my work and causing scenes. He became very angry and bitter because the bank was repossessing the house. It got so bad that my manager was ready to bar him from the store. He became almost like a stalker.... showing up when I was working, getting a coffee and sitting there, watching me for hours, refusing to talk to me.... just glaring at me.... which made it very uncomfortable and hard to do my job.

Then, one day in early Jul/2006, I started receiving messages from my daughter, who at this point was still barely talking to me. She was having problems with her father and was seeking advice.... this continued for awhile until finally one day her and her new (and current) 'boyfriend' showed up at my door.... she wanted out of the situation she was in with her father and they needed a place to stay until they could find a place of their own.... and they moved in temporarily with me till they found a place.... keep in mind that I only have a small two bedroom apartment and had my son living with me at the same time.... but I took them in along with their 2 cats and their dog (a large Golden Retriever) until they found a place. By this time I had helped my son obtain full-time employment with another 'Coffee Shop' as well, (and he continues to work there today as a night baker).

Meanwhile my Ex was on the rampage (and still not working) and caused a few scenes at my place of residence and employment which caused a lot of stress on all of us which caused me to smoke more and more marijuana just trying to cope.

It didn't take my daughter and her boyfriend long to find a place. I rented a U-Haul truck for two days for them and we all chipped in to help them move into their place and at the same time empty out the house her and her father were living in, a lot of which ended up at my little place in storage. Finally, in Oct/2006 I had to quit my job at the 'Coffee Shop'. I just could not perform my duties, physically, any more and my Mental State had diminished so far that I had trouble dealing with the other staff and customers.

Then my daughter convinced me to apply to a 'Call Centre' were she was currently working, working with Sprint Customer Services.... she informed me of the company benefits and the 6 week in class instruction etc.. But again what I was most interested in was the Insurance benefits!!! Insurance... I needed the Insurance!!!!

I really enjoyed the in-class instruction (and the pay that came with it) however when we were put on the floor and on the phones it became too much for me to handle, emotionally. Even the marijuana didn't help. I found that my communication skills were far from adequate for this job.... just trying to understand what the customers were trying to say was hard enough, let alone trying to figure out what the problem was..... I found I could not even correctly relay the customer’s problem to the "helpers", let alone relay what the helper’s response was back to the customer. Most of the time it seemed like everyone was speaking a foreign language and I just did not understand what everyone was saying to me.

Each day it was getting harder and harder to get to work also, I had to take a bus to work, and although some of the buses have a low threshold (first step), most do not and climbing into these buses was very difficult for me with my injury..... and in the winter time it is even harder for me to get around with my disability and having to use a cane....

Almost everyday I ended up in tears in the bathroom from customers yelling at me on the phone.....along with the added stresses of supervisors harping on the length of calls, or the amount of time on hold or after-call.... I just could not handle the demands and stress of the job.... and I knew that every emotional outburst I had was only embarrassing my daughter more and more..... so in Jan/2006 I walked off the job and never returned. I haven't worked since.... but I would love to be able to!

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What led Me To Seeking Employment and Risking my 'Disability'

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:27:07 PST

What led Me To Seeking Employment
and Risking my 'Disability'

Now that my daughter was home again, and because of my children's living arrangements I dwelt on them, and my relationship with each of them. Here I was with a two bedroom apartment and neither of my children wanted to live with me. My daughter preferred to live with her Aunt and Uncle and my son preferred to remain homeless. Do you know how that made me feel? I started getting depressed more and more and knew that I should get back on my meds again... but I could not afford to. Also, I assumed that since a couple of months had passed since my last appointment, that I would not be able to get another appointment with my Doctor anyway, (that's the pessimist in me).

My husband was not keeping up with the disability insurance forms for the Mortgage or the loans and was on the verge of losing the house and I did not want the kids to lose their home.... it was their home and they had been through enough.....

I knew I needed two things.... more money and Insurance...... insurance so I could get started on my meds again.... I needed dental work done and I knew I needed glasses...... but believe it or not, the biggest thing on my mind was life insurance.... for some reason I became obsessed thinking about if one of us died.... either my husband or myself.... or both.... it would not be fair to the kids to burden them with funeral costs and all of our debts.

I needed more money to help support ALL of them, my daughter, my son, and even my Ex. They were all broke and I felt responsible for all of them. I felt I was to blame for all of their problems. Add to that the fact that I had a new habit to support as well. So I became obsessed with these two problems.... obtaining more money and (health and life) Insurance..... that was when I decided to seek employment.

In Dec/2005 I applied for (with cane and all) and was hired at a 'Coffee Shop' just a two minute walk from my apartment. The only reason why I applied there was because they advertised that they offered Insurance to it's full-time employees after being employed for 6 months. My manager was very reasonable in regards to my disability and really treated me good by exempting me from doing much of the heavier chores like sweeping, mopping and bringing up stock from downstairs. I was allowed to sit whenever the opportunity was available. Basically all I had to do was serve the customers.

It was great to be working again, however if she knew that I went to work stoned everyday I would not have kept my job very long.... and I did go to work stoned everyday! I made sure I smoked a joint right before I went to work everyday. When I worked night-shift it was great because it wasn't busy and I could go out and not only sneak a smoke but have a joint as well!

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How I Got Started Smoking Weed and Off My Meds

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:26:16 PST

How I Got Started Smoking Weed
and Off My Meds

When I obtained my apartment I went to 'The Power Company' to have my lights hooked up and was informed that due to the outstanding bill on the Marital Home (which was over $1000.00 and in my name), that I could not get the lights hooked up, so I had to make arrangements to pay off the bill.... but they still wouldn't hook up my lights. So I went to my landlord and he agreed to keep the lights connected in the property name, and I would pay him the bill until I could get this other bill paid off... he agreed and I moved in. I could not get a phone, Cable TV, or the Internet (not that I had a computer) installed for the same reasons.... Every bill we had at the Marital home, was in my name and my husband stopped paying on all of them until eventually they were all disconnected....

So I had to get a "Pay-As-You-Go" Cell phone.

When I moved into my own place with basically nothing I struggled to come up with the rent, payment for the light bill and the damage-deposit ($400 plus) which my land-lord was kind enough to allow me to pay off monthly. Money was tight, (I was only making just over $500 bi-weekly)

Everything was going well, I continued seeing my doctor every two weeks and taking my meds as prescribed, (even though I did not like the side effects and long-term effects of the drugs I was on) until Oct/2005..... exact dates I am foggy on but can give you a rough estimation.... I believe my last appointment with my Doctor was on Oct 7/2005, at which time she wrote out my prescriptions for me and informed me that she was going on holidays that day, for 6 weeks.

Within the next few days my electricity to my apartment was cut off.... when I called about it I was informed that it was, again, due to the outstanding bill from the Marital home. I could not understand how that happened as I never signed any papers with them the first time I went to see them and they informed me of the bill.

I called my land-lord, upset, as I thought he had reneged on our deal.... but he made a three-way call to 'The Power Co.' so I could hear and be part of the conversation..... bottom line was that they would not allow us to do that and even though I had not signed any papers, it was put into the system the day I went in there.... we both argued that how did 'They' know that I had indeed moved into that apartment after I had been told that I could get no service.... but to no avail.... my lights were disconnected and they would not reconnect until the outstanding bill was paid in full!

With no other choice, and no-one else to turn to, I called my husband and we both knew there was nothing else to do but to stay at the Marital home till I could get the lights reconnected..... This was the last place my Doctors wanted me to go to.... my husband had brought me there several times during "day passes" while at the hospital and they knew how hard it was for me to be there.... but there was no where else to go.

So, I went to stay in our house.... which had no phone and no cable and no groceries (I don't know how he got the electricity reconnected in his name, but he did!)... but my son was there. On the way there we dropped off my prescriptions to be filled. My husband literally dropped me off in the driveway, and left to go live with a woman in the city!

And So It Begins...

That night my husband called me to tell me that the Pharmacy could not fill my prescription as my drug-card had expired! I could not understand why and the next day.... after calling several different departments at Social Services I was informed that the drug-card that had been issued to me was for my Shelter Residence and because I had moved out (basically around the corner from the shelter) I was under another Social-Workers "Domain" and to contact that office.... I was also informed that forms had to have been sent out to me, either at the Shelter, or my new address.... I called the Shelter and they said that there was no mail there for me and my husband checked my mail at my apartment and found nothing there..

(NOTE: A few months later I received an envelope from the Shelter which contained these forms, dated for Oct and Nov.... it just took them several months to forward them to me!!!)

I was now one day without any medication and my doctor was away for 6 weeks.... I spent the next few days calling around to every department I could think of, including the Premiere's office for help.... help with my light bill and help with my drug card.... as a matter of fact the last call I made was to my Minister's office and I'm afraid the message I left was a very frantic, panicked one that ended up in me screaming hysterically on the phone.... I don't know if they even tried to return my calls as my calling card had been used up and I was now without a phone and had no way to contact anybody.

My husband would not even make a trip to the house. At this point, he was living with a female "friend" in the city. Once he had dropped me off he basically just left me there with our son... who at this point had quit school. He was 16, hardly ever home and I'm sure, selling marijuana.

By the time a week had gone by without my medication I was falling and falling fast.... the withdrawals were tremendous.... nausea, dizziness, and this indescribable feeling of "electric shocks" shooting through my head that were totally nauseating.... I became totally paranoid, afraid that someone I knew before my suicide attempt would show up, especially my husbands family.... and as far as I was concerned I was in the heart of enemy territory! I was afraid to go as far as the store to buy anything, afraid someone would see and recognize me. I was also painfully aware that my son was around and witnessing my downfall, AGAIN, and I did not want to put him through another ordeal.... that was the last thing I wanted.... he saw enough when I was in hospital.

So finally, one night, out of desperation, I approached my son and tried to explain to him what's going on and the situation I was in.... It's not that I wanted to stop taking my meds but was put into a situation that gave me no choice.... I was stuck in a place I really did not want to be in, with no groceries, had no transportation, no phone, no Internet.... not even cable TV to watch and I knew I was in big trouble and I asked him to let me smoke a joint of Marijuana with him and his friend...... at first he said no but after awhile and after talking to his friend he agreed.

That was the beginning.......

During the remainder of my time there at the house, I smoked weed quite often with my son and his friends and I have to be honest that if it wasn't for the Marijuana I would not have made it through that 5 or 6 weeks..... yes I was there that long before I got the light bill paid off and was able to return back to my own place which was around the 17th of November..... by that time I had been off my meds for so long that I figured I was better off staying off them rather than trying to get back on them again.... besides the weed was making me feel so good.... it cured many of my ailments and even helped alleviate the pain in my back. hip and leg.... I felt invincible!

Once I was home however, it didn't take long for the depression to set in again... I was told about the hard time and trouble my daughter was in up in Calgary with her boyfriend and how she wanted to, and was trying to get home..... I also found out that once again the power was disconnected to the house, and that my husband was still staying with his 'friend' in the city while my son was basically living alone in our town. I felt helpless but more so I felt guilty and blamed myself for all they were going through....and I wanted to help my children.... some how.... some way...... but my daughter would not speak to me and my son was contented staying with different friends and did not want to move into the city. I was hearing stories about my (17 yr old) son, out beating the streets all night while drinking and smoking weed, and a few close encounters he had with the police. I knew he was headed for trouble one way or the other.

All of this, coupled with the fact that I missed spending time with my son and couldn't handle being home all day with nothing to do, not even TV to watch, but most important the solitude.... I could not handle being alone..... I became desperate.

So every spare cent I had I gave to my son or husband to try to help them (my husband was still off work and not making any income).... I even applied for credit cards with the intention that if I did receive one that I was going to use it to bring my daughter home..... and using my daughter's info (I know it was wrong!), I did acquire one with a $1000.00 limit, but by the time I had received it my daughter was home and was living with her Aunt and Uncle in our Town (her father's brother). So I used the card to help all of them as best I could with groceries, gas etc. and did some Christmas shopping as well.

I'm not saying it was right (I KNOW IT WASN'T)... but my whole family benefited from that card for over 2 years, my husband and daughter included! Also, I hoped that by keeping up the payments on it I would help her credit rating ( I was told her X-boyfriend had ruined hers.)... and I kept them up!

Finally I was able to track down my son and I told him that instead of being out beating the streets, looking for trouble, that he and his friend(s) could come to my place and drink and smoke their dope. That way I knew he where he was and that he was safe! Of course, my Ex didn't like that idea, but I figured he was going to do it anyway so it was better for him to 'party' at my place where I could keep an eye on him.

Find Out What Happens Next

What led Me To Seeking Employment and Risking my 'Disability'

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What Caused Our (2nd) Divorce...

noreply@blogger.com (Super (Disabled, BiPolar, Stoned), Mom!!!) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:24:37 PST

How It All Started...

By the year 2000 my family and I were living in our own home in a small town, just outside of the city. We had just renewed and refinanced our mortgage to build an addition on to our home, but by the end of 2001, due to my husband having to go on strike, we had become so far in debt that we felt our only option was to declare bankruptcy. Neither one of us were ready to admit that we both had gambling problems, (my husbands being more severe than mine). We were lucky though, in that we really never lost anything, the bank allowed us to keep our home but warned us that if we missed one payment they would foreclose on us and take the house. We were also allowed to keep our car as it was too old to have any real value.

We struggled through our bankruptcy, making dual monthly payments of approx. $350.00 to our Trustees till Sept/2002, at which time we purchased a mini-van. Our Gambling problems, however, were another problem that was again getting out of control.... at this time it didn't matter who had the worse problem, just because my husband spent more time gambling and made higher bets does not mean that my problem or addiction was not as bad. I played them (VLT's) every chance I got too.

By the end of 2002 our financial problems were almost as severe as they were before we had declared bankruptcy, also to add to our problems my husband was off work due to 'health' problems and his wages were reduced.. I was also informed by my family that my mothers health was declining quickly and my sister asked to me help her take care of Mom and Dad. ( My mother was dying of liver failure).

I did help my sister take care of my parents for the next few months, till my mother passed away in May/2003. During that time my sister and I took turns staying at Mom's and Dad's, we each would stay for 3 or 4 days and continued to alternate like that till the day Mom passed away. However my husband never liked the idea of me being away from home and it caused many problems for us, and a lot of stress for me as my father witnessed several calls I received from my husband and knew that this was causing problems for me, which upset my father. During this time my husband ended up on strike with NAPE, (after just getting back to work, I KID YOU NOT!) and it further added to our problems.
After my mother passed away May/2003, we concentrated our efforts on getting my father through his loss and we spent the next few months being with him as much as possible, helping him as best we can as he tried to continue on with his life. This included cleaning and renovating his home, and getting rid of Mom's belongings. That was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I kept what I could in her clothes and belongings but it broke my heart to see her life being packed away in a few garbage bags and a box or two.
By the end of 2003 it seemed like things were finally settling down and we all concentrated our efforts on getting through our first Christmas without my mother and helping our father most of all... it was hard but we all managed to get through it.

By the end of Jan/2004 my husband was back to work and all things were going well until Feb/2004...

In Feb/2004 a mutual friend of ours, 'John' (widower, father of 2) came to spend the weekend with us as was a usual occurrence, along with his youngest son, who was a good friend of my son... . It was freezing rain out that night, and the roads were a sheet of ice... nothing was moving outside, and 'John" started complaining of severe heartburn, after some time we asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital. First he said yes but by the time my husband got dressed and ready to go 'John' had changed his mind, saying that it was passing and easing off. Shortly after that we all went to bed, with 'John' sleeping on the couch.

Next thing I remember is my son calling out to us to come downstairs, and I could hear the panic in his voice, it was about 3am. When we reached the living room we found 'John' on the floor with the two boys, our son and 'John's' son performing CPR on 'John'.... I looked at my husband and he just shook his head, knowing that 'John' was already dead and way past help. The boys however would not give up and continued performing CPR on 'John' till the ambulance arrived which took a long time due to the condition of the roads still.

The shock of 'John's' death hit my whole family very hard as we all thought the world of him; he was a very dear close friend to my children and myself, and my husband's best friend. We were friends with his mother and son also, whom we tried our best to help as well. ('John' was an only child and was all his mother had as his father had passed away a few years ago. 'John' was a widower, loosing his wife to cancer about 12 years earlier.... he had two sons, the younger was about 16 yrs old and lived with his 'John", and the oldest, who was about 20, was living in Foster care due to his "Special Needs"

Living in our house and seeing our chesterfield everyday was nothing but a reminder of the great loss we had all experienced in 'John's' death and it slowly took it's toll on all of us in different ways.... My son, who was 15 at the time, became more and more involved with drugs and alcohol, sneaking out at night, along with skipping school, smoking and smoking weed.... my daughter, who was 17 at the time, became distant and involved in a relationship and started staying away from home more and more till finally she was barely ever home. My husband became withdrawn and depressed and gambled more and more, staying out till 3am most nights, and I was at the end of my rope trying hard to hold on the best I could.... I was taking anti-depressants at that time and had been on them for several years (off and on, as my husband didn't like me taking them.)

In Jul/2004 I was home alone with my daughter.... my husband was working in a community that was several hours drive away and my son was away at Cadet Camp. I went to bed and awoke several hours later to the smoke detector going off and when I went downstairs discovered the corner of my living room on fire.... I ran to my daughters room, her door was locked and I had a job trying to wake her, but finally managed to get her and the pets out of the house.

Although the fire was contained in the living room there was extensive smoke and water damage throughout the whole house and we basically lost everything. (every picture, every memento I had of Mom... everything!)

We were given temporary residence at 'The Terrace" in a 2 bedroom apartment. At the same time we reached our son at camp and tried to explain to him that he was better off where he was to as he had nothing left here to come home to, not even as much as a pair of socks..... but he then informed us that his girlfriend was pregnant and he had to come home!

When he came home we had several meetings with the girls parents and they ultimately decided to give the girl an abortion which kind of hit us with mixed emotions.... relief as the kids were really too young to be parents anyway, but the uncertainty of not knowing if our son was in deed the father and if it was really our grand-child.

While we struggled with these mixed emotions we also dealt with the insurance company

and the endless lists of items we lost and had to get replaced one way or another. Our living arrangements were a problem now as well as we only had a two bedroom apartment and needed a 3 bedroom which there were none available, so my son was sleeping on the couch. until a one bedroom became available in another building. So for the next couple of weeks we were together, but not together, as my husband and I were in one building in one apartment while our kids were in another building in another apartment. Also during this time our son was diagnosed as having Mono. and my husband decided not to return to work due to 'depression' and took a sick-leave, AGAIN!

Finally, after months of going around pricing these lists of thousands of items lost in the fire, and supervising the repairs and renovations to our home we were finally able to move back into our home..... this was in Late Oct/2004.

Everything seemed to be going good and I honestly thought that maybe this could be a new beginning for us all.... our home was new again, and every thing, every appliance, and every piece of furniture and artwork was all NEW and high quality. The only major problem was my husband who was still off work and was making no attempts at returning to work.

On Nov.27th/2004 my father died suddenly in his sleep due to heart-failure. His death was a shock to us all as he seemed to be so healthy and coping so well after Mom's death. To this day I don’t know what the rush was on cluing up Dad's affairs but to me it all happened too fast.... but a week to the day that he died his home was emptied of it's contents, divided between all of us children and put on the market and his car was also put up for sale. My brother informed us that Dad never had any life insurance on his mortgage or car loan and all his bills had to be settled and paid. He did have a small life insurance policy, but my brother wanted to make sure that all of Dad's debts and funeral expenses were taken care of first and if there was going to be anything left over it would be divided equally between all of us 5 children.

My father's death took a heavier toll on me than I thought it would. Even though I got through his funeral a lot easier than I did my mothers, the sense of loss I felt after the fact was extreme. I WAS AN ORPHAN! My garage was filled with furniture and items from Dad's house that nobody else in my family wanted. Truth be known I didn't need any of these items myself, it's just that I could not bare the thought of getting rid of anything they owned, especially after I had lost so many articles of memories in my house fire.
Every time I went into the garage, (which is where we smoked) I would feel this tremendous sense of loss.

Maybe I never had the chance to mourn my loss,... I mean on Sat, Nov 27 I received a call that my father was dead and I rushed to his home and saw with my own eyes how peacefully he went, but the whole process of cluing up his affairs was so fast that it seemed like there was no time to mourn .... by the next Saturday, Dec 4, 2004 we buried my father and we had his belongings divided up between us and his home cleaned out , ready for market as well as having his car detailed so it could be sold. One week to the day and it seemed like Dad was never here.

At the same time, my husband was giving me a hard time about all the "junk" in the garage which I had gotten from Dad's and it just seemed to cause a continual argument for us. Causing more strain on our relationship

Christmas of that year was especially difficult as the majority of my siblings decided that it was best to keep the gifts Dad had purchased for all of us and pass them out at Christmas.... something I was not fond of at the time as it was so painful at the time to open these gifts from him, knowing that they are the last items we would ever receive from him or our parents.

Today, however I am grateful for these gifts.

By mid Jan/2005 my husband was still off work and had used up all of his sick-time and vacation time and had no more resources left to receive any more pay, everything was used up and our bills were piling up again. What upset me the most was that he was making no attempt to get back to work or even check to see if he was entitled to Sick-leave Unemployment. He was making no effort to support his family, his depression had worsened and he was angry all the time. The only thing that was keeping us above water was the disability insurance we had on our mortgage, and 2 loans.

At the end of January I went to Ontario for my nephews wedding and spent a few weeks with my sister.... partly for a break and partly in hopes that my husband would come to his senses and get his head together to do whatever he had to do to get his affairs in order.

I know now that that decision was the worse decision of my life.

You see up to that point in my life my husband and I lived drug and alcohol free. (I even refused to take pain meds!) He is an admitted alcoholic and has been in AA, living sober since 1992. The only addictions we both had was gambling..... however on my visit with my sister I started drinking regularly and (through the help of my nephew) started smoking marijuana.... just before I returned home my husband called me to inform me that the remainder of my father's life insurance had finally come through, $5,000.00 and I informed my husband of the bills that had to be paid (lights, cable phone etc) cause they were all way overdue. The money was put into an account we had setup at Toronto-Dominion Bank and I had no access to it in Ontario.

When I returned home(On a Saturday) my husband and I talked about our marriage and we had both decided to work on it and to try to make things work.... but when I asked him if he paid the bills I told him to pay he said that he hadn't and when I checked the account the money that was put in it was almost all gone! In less than a week he had spent almost 75% of my inheritance and could not justify where he spent it or on what.... but I knew on what.... he had gambled it away...... I was furious, hurt and panicked as we did not have enough to pay the overdue bills, that and the fact that he never got the insurance forms filled out by his doctor like he was suppose to have done and the Finance company was looking for payments also.

When confronted by all of this he became very angry and defensive and for the first time in a long while I was afraid of him, his anger. That coupled with the fact of my own stupidity of drinking and smoking marijuana everyday for a few weeks... to now having nothing to help me "cope" was my final straw and with the aid of a 'friend" my sister in Ontario had introduced me too, I went back to Ontario a week later.... with no intention of returning.

I realize now that I was spiraling down deep into a massive depression....

Long story short.... living with my sister proved to be a major mistake and things did not work out for many reasons (find out more here).... most of which have to do with her mental state and (I know now) my mental state and I looked for my own place

I was drinking and smoking marijuana everyday.... my "friend" helped me find a place in Crystal beach (a bachelor apartment) which caused my sister to become very angry as she was depending on the board I was suppose to pay her if I had stayed with her. When my sister gets angry she becomes very vindictive, and she started causing problems for me with people up there and with my own family. Meanwhile my 'friend' had convinced me to give up my antidepressants and introduced me to Cocaine, which in turn added to my problems.

During this time I was doing my best to keep in contact with my children who seemed to be getting more and more distant as each day went by and I was becoming more and more depressed. Then I was informed that my husband was on the verge of losing the house and my daughter was taking off to Alberta with her boyfriend and my son's problems at school..... that coupled with emotional state I just started feeling guilty and felt in my heart and soul that all of this was my fault and I had to get home to try to make things right. I did not want the children to lose there home and I knew I was wrong for leaving them with their father when he was in need of help himself.

So, I scammed a couple of hundred dollars from my niece and left my little place and all it's bills to my "friend" who had set me up with them, mailed the keys to him and came home.

When I got home, however, things were harder than I thought they would be.... nobody would talk to me, not even my son.... I was left alone in the house as everybody avoided me. During this time I managed to get access to a couple of emails that my sister in Ontario had sent to my son and had read some of the things she had said to them about me and it broke my heart.... how could she be so hateful.... so spiteful!!! I then assumed that if my sister had emailed my son and husband that she most likely had emailed my other sisters and brother as well and immediately felt alone and ostracized by everyone... I didn't realize that I was going through withdrawals as well..... till finally I decided to take my own life.

I wrote letters to my son and husband and took an overdose of pills

Both my husband and son found me (3 days later) and I was taken by ambulance to the Hospital on April 18th, 2005. There I remained till the end of July /2005. By the time I was released I was diagnosed as having Bi-Polar disorder.

In the meantime, I just wanted to inform you that all during my stay in hospital and at the Shelter I continued to try to help my husband and son as much as possible. Every two weeks, when I received my 'Pension' I gave my Husband $400.00 to help pay the mortgage, and insurances (car and home)...any or all bills I also tried to keep my son going in pocket money as best as I could also. My bank account will prove that..... so after 3 months of hospitalization and 2 months at The Shelter I was totally broke! If I had not been trying to support my family I should of had a couple of thousand dollars in my account, after all.... all I needed was cigarettes. I didn't know at that time, that he was receiving over $700.00 bi-weekly unemployment!

Also, while in hospital I was given day passes to go to the bank and finance companies to get my husbands disability claims started up and continued and made arrangements for all forms to be mailed directly to his Doctor so they would not have to depend on my husband doing that himself, which he had failed to do. So the Mortgage and loans were being paid again.

When I was released it was decided by my health Team that it would not be in my best interest to return home with or be with my husband and I was placed in a Woman's Shelter till I found my own accommodations through subsidized Housing. Due to the high cost of my prescriptions (over $400.00 per month) I was issued a drug card from Social Services which paid 100% of the cost of my meds.

These are the meds I was taking...

Seroquel - 300mg a(m) and 400mg (pm) - 700mg daily
Effexor XR - 337.5 daily
Epival - 750mg twice a day - 1500mg daily
Pantolac - 40 mg daily

I remained at the Shelter till Sept/2005 at which time I acquired my current apartment through subsidized housing.

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