Do yourself a favor and kill your online dating profile once you commit to someone. Why do you need to have a profile on a dating site if your someones boyfriend or girlfriend? This whole “not single, not looking” business is a bit silly to me and I think I understand the motives behind it, but I still think it is silly. Correct me if you disagree, but I believe the motives are: 1) Keep it as a backup plan just in case things don’t workout and 2) Not being able to make that mental transition from being single, to being in a relationship and 3) Being to lazy to create a new profile if you delete your old one.

Social media is certainly a proverbial monkey wrench in the art of dating, finding love, and being happy. Sites like Facebook with some 300,000,000 million users (no joke, that’s a crazy number isn’t it?) allows us to connect in very new ways, but it also keeps us connected when it might be best to just let go and move on. Our relationships are so intertwined because of social media that it is difficult to cut the cord (think facestalk). This mentality sometimes lends itself in a bad way with online dating. Since online dating sites are a type of social media, but not necessarily a social network.

If you are now committed to someone, just delete your profile and save yourself the headache of creating pointless conflict within your relationship. It may cause insecurity and worry in the other person. “If your dating me why do you need to keep a profile”? Their really is not good answer for that unless your doing research like I do for my upcoming profile writing and consulting project I intend to launch here. The process with profile deletion usually goes something like this:

1) First you decide your dating exclusively. You make that transition from being single to being in a relationship.

2) Next you have the talk about “why you still on that site”.

3) Third, because of that talk, and the conflict it is causing, you decide to keep your profile; but make it clear your not single.

4) Then you delete your pictures. So you still have your account, but it is just a pictureless profile that is not single and not looking.

5) Then finally, you delete your profile.

Why do this? Why don’t you just skip 2,3, and 4 and kill your online dating profile. Do not be lazy, selfish, or stupid. Trust that your decision to enter into a relationship with someone is the right move. Stop trying to have your cake and eat it to. That is, commit to one person but still talk and flirt to other people just in case things blow up.

To keep a profile on a dating site regardless if you make it clear your single is not right. If your a woman, men will still email you regardless of what you say, and the man your with knows that. This is a potential conflict source. The revers is not true however. If your a man who makes it clear your not single, woman will NOT email you. But try explaining that to a girl your dating. She is eventually going to start thinking your doing something behind her back, even if your really not. When you do decide to delete your profile, just remember to save the text you wrote in a word file so all you have to do is copy and paste it in, just in case things do not work out and you find yourself back on the web looking for love. So do the right thing. Kill your online dating profile when you make that transition into a relationship. Your going to end up doing it anyways, so just do it now and not tomorrow.

Lets talk about interpersonal relationships and how they work. Interpersonal simply means your relationship with other people. Could be romantic (which is the theme of this site of course) could be friendship, or could be business among other things.  We all have a variety of interpersonal relationships just by being alive; and the one thing I have come to understand is that the relationships you have with other people is also the same relationship you have with yourself. Wait, what? Let me say that again, the relationship you have with other people is also the relationship you have with yourself. They are one in the same. Seriously. This might not make sense to you so let me explain.

You attract what you project so it should be no surprise then that the way you see yourself is the way the world will come to see you. You CAN NOT be something that is not congruent with who you are or how you see yourself. That means, its all in your head. Say your significantly overweight. You have a negative image of yourself and low self esteem and you generally don’t like yourself. You want to lose the weight, but you just think that it is impossible. Thoughts that race through your head. Perhaps something like this: diets never work, I’m just naturally big, I could never lose the weight, I’m fat and I’m always going to be fat. The relationship you have with yourself is a negative one. You see yourself as a worthless person because of your weight. You feel insecure and unattractive. No one could ever like you right? No surprise that the relationship you have with yourself is reflective of those with other people. How could someone else like you if you do not like yourself? It comes down to mindset, how you see yourself, your relationship with yourself, that has some of the most powerful influence on your relationships with other people. To give another example of mindset, lets talk about exercise. What if I took the mind out of this guy:

and put it into the body of this guy:

The result would be obvious. The bottom picture would become the top picture. Yes of course this would happen because of exercise, but it is not simply because of working out in and of itself. The other big piece is mindset, the internal spiritual part you don’t see directly. You only see the effects but not the cause. The guy at the top is fit, good looking, and knows it. The relationship he has with himself is positive. He knows he is the man and any girl would be lucky to have him. It is just how he sees himself. If you planted his mind into the guy in second pic, he would wake up one day and think “this is unacceptable” and start a strict workout routine to get himself the way he sees himself; to be congruent with the relationship he has with himself. Now this is not a gripe against being overweight or anything. It is just to demonstrate for you how your mindset effects your interpersonal relationships. Another good example of someone who understands how the relationship you have with yourself is the relationship you have with others is none other than Gabourey Sidibay of the movie Precious:

In an interview with one of the TV Celeb News Magazines (Extra, Inside Edition,) she talked about how her grandmother always told her to love your self. That sounds a bit warm and fuzzy, kind of makes your eyes roll back in your head, (yea love yourself right). But she knows something at her young age most other do not, something that I did not figure out until I was in my 20’s. Regardless of her weight, she has a positive self image and she has a fantastic relationship with herself. She loves herself truly. She accepts who she is and does not let it get to her if other do not. Because of that genuine respect for herself, and confidence in herself, others have come to treat her the way she sees herself.

Understanding how Interpersonal Relationships are Subjective

Mindset is powerful stuff. Your mindset determines how you filter your life experiences, how you interpret things. Like this example: When I drive I used to get so annoyed when someone slow would just pull out in front of me. I would think that “god every single time I get on the road, some grandma has to get in front of me”. Over time, I learned to leave earlier to my destination, but also learned to look at it as a chance for me to slow down and relax a bit more. That perhaps I am going to fast. That I will save more money on gas. To look around and enjoy the scenery. Change my mindset to interpret what was happening differently. Turn a positive into a negative so it does not pointlessly stress me out.

While your relationships do exists in some objective reality: That is, he is my father, she is my girlfriend. Your always viewing your relationship filtered through your mindset. You can not see the objective reality, you only see the subjective reality since your mind through touch, feelings, sight, sound, interprets everything for you. This might be odd or frustrating for you; once you realize that you can never ever see anything objectively 100%; including your relationships. That you do not see them for for what they are, just what you think they are. But take comfort, because that is how it is for everyone, including me!

The value of this post is trying to convince you that this is true. Ironically, depending on your level of acceptance for personal development, that will effect weather or not you read this and it resonates with you. If it does, then good. Understanding that you can never view your relationships form an objective standpoint will save you a lot of time, frustration, and heart ace. Those that view, or try to view relationships as some object. As something apart from them like a car, or tree, are wasting their time as they try to relate to other people, fail at it, get mad at the world, and remain stuck because they don’t know what is wrong with their approach. You will remain stuck until you realize that the relationship you have with other people is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

If you want to Improve Your Interpersonal Relationships Work on Yourself First

The good news is this. If you view your relationships as subjective that means you can always improve your external relationships by improving your internal relationships (aka yourself). Improving your self esteem for starters will improve your self image and the relationship you have with yourself. By doing this, it will clearly have a positive impact on your relationships with other people, aka, your external relationships.

Complaints about others sometimes are really complains about Yourself

Honestly, how many conservative southern Republicans who oppose gay marriage, criticize states like New York and California, then turn out to be gay themselves? Quite a few: Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Bob Alen, Craig Murph Jr, are just some that come to my mind. My point is not about Republican hypocrisy, it is about how your complaints against others are really complaints about yourself.  This goes for anyone. Growing up Christian conservative, these men are embarrassed and perhaps even hate the fact that they are gay. They don’t like this side of themselves. This bad romance they have with themselves is reflected outwardly with their social positions. What they should have done is admit to themselves their complaints about gay America are really about their own embarrassment with being gay.

The upside of admitting your relationship issues with yourself is that it reveals a path for you to grow and improve, and also a direction of where to improve. As such, developing relationships with other people is critical if you yourself want to grow as a person. By interacting with other people, be it dating women, or dating me, making new friends, whatever, you will learn things about yourself by others people reaction towards you. Basically, the more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself. The more you learn about yourself, the better off you will be towards finding love and happiness.

Your relationships can be a positive, powerful force of nature with regards to love, fulfillment, and companionship. But it starts with the relationship you have with yourself. If you can love, accept, work on, and forgive parts of yourself; you will be able to do so in others. The more congruent your thoughts and feeling are with the person you strive deeply to become, the more harmonious your relationships with other will become. It should be no surprise then that birds of a feather flock together. Where do you think that saying comes from? You attract what you project, the way you see yourself is how the rest of the world will come to see you. Understand that, and you can more easily understand your interpersonal relationships.

When does needing space turn into breaking up? That’s the theme of this weeks question. Honestly if your dating someone and they tell you they need space, or they need a “break”, it means their breaking up with you. Not sure why this is confusing to some. However, what makes this question a bit more interesting is that what if the person your seeing  just stops calling you? Yea, what if they do not officially break it off with you and just stop calling you. Here is the question:

I have been dating this guy for about  four months. We talked pretty much every day and saw each other regularly. At minimum every Friday or Saturday. We talked recently about how he likes his space. I told him that when he does not call or text me for days I don’t like it. It makes me feel insecure and I wonder what he is doing. Is that crazy? I don’t understand why it is such a big deal for him to call me for 5 minutes. I feel like I pushed him away.

Since we had our little talk on him needing space, he has completely disappeared. I have not heard from him at all. At what point do I move on? If I start dating other guys do I owe him anything? Like if I do date someone else should I tell him? I want to call him really bad, but I think it will come off as chasing him, what should I do?

The first thing you should do is read what I wrote on how to tell I a guy your seeing is your boyfriend. Men are simple and men will behave in a certain way if they have eyes for you. I’m sorry to say but it sounds like this guy is just not that into you. Like I said in the beginning, needing space is a euphemism for wanting to break up. Be it if a man or woman says it. Breaking up with someone is hard, unpleasant work. Thoughts that perhaps you might be making a mistake run through your head, and it is also never fun to break someones heart; but if your not happy in the relationship, breaking up is necessary. No point in having two unhappy people. Besides, what breaking up really means is simply your telling the other person: Hey your nice, but I’m just not sure I want to spend the next 40 years of my life with you“. That seems pretty reasonable to me. “Needing space/taking a break”, is an easy way to let someone down. Learn from this relationship and be thankful that he set you free so you can find that right person for you.

If a man likes you and sees himself as your boyfriend he will:

-Contact you in one way or another EVERY DAY
-Will call himself your boyfriend
-Will Make plans to see you every Friday and Saturday
-Talks about a future with you
-Makes it clear he does not want you seeing or talking to other men
-You have sex with him regularly
-He says he loves you without you having to ask him (don’t expect a guy to say this right away. Right way = < 3 months)

After 4 or 5 months if he is not doing 90% these things, he is not interested in you. When you had that phone conversation about him needing space, that was his way of telling you to back off he is not going to commit to you. Clearly your left with the impression that your still dating him and he just needs space and it is your fault for being emotional. That is non sense. Communication is the core of your problem. When you were speaking with him and he told you he needed space, did you ask him if he wants to continue seeing you? It can be uncomfortable but be direct with a man. Ask him, “are you breaking up with me”.  Make it crystal clear that your breaking up and you will both be seeing other people, for your own sanity. Have strength, even if you feel vulnerable. If he says he needs space, you tell him that you need more from a man. You might feel like that you don’t want to be confrontational because you don’t want to lose him or push him away, but your already losing him. Pulling this one on him might make him question himself.

I’m sure your hurt and I am sorry for that, but their is nothing wrong with wanting him to call you every day. It has nothing to do with you being emotional and pushing him away. Every single girl I have ever dated required that of me. It is part of the deal with being a girls boyfriend. In fact the guy will want to call everyday, you should not have to force him. If he is not doing his job, then do exactly what you did and tell him. Tell him you want him to contact you more. Men are not mind readers and some guys will be completely oblivious that your hurt if he does not contact you every day. If after you tell him, his behavior does not change, consider breaking it off with him. To make a guy do what you want you need to set levels of expectations. If he is not interested in you, he just won’t care.

When does needing space tun into breaking up? The day you had that phone conversation with him about him needing more space.

At what point do i move on? Yesterday would have been a good start.

I feel like calling him. Don’t, you will regret it.

Do I owe him anything if I start dating other guys? Nope, he is not interested in you. Meaning, move on he is NOT your boyfriend. If you do start dating and he pops his head back into your life, do not stand for it. When it comes to your romantic relationships, live by this rule:

If you can not treat me the way that I want, what the hell good are you?

By following this mantra, you will create value in yourself. Things of value are not easy to come by, their rare. Make yourself rare, make yourself valuable by letting men know that if they want to be your boyfriend they have to treat you right.

Oh boy awesome hotel workout routines! I love working out, don’t you? Of course not. That’s why it has “work” in the word because that’s what it is, work. OK, maybe some of you  out their like to work out regularly and that is great. I have lots of friends that run as part of their daily routine. It is so ingrained in them that they can not start their day until they do it. Like taking a shower for the rest of us I guess. Working out does release stress, makes you sleep better, makes you look better,and give you more energy during the day. When it is said like that, why don’t more of us do it? Is it because were lazy? For some, yes I think its rooted in pure laziness, but I think for the majority of us it is because no one works 9-5, we all work 8-6. Then its time to make dinner, then its 7:30 at night and now I just want to relax. Ill work out tomorrow.

Be it at home or on the road, the key to being successful at anything you do is consistency. Do you go to the gym one time and expect to be ripped? No. Do you take one college course in accounting and expect to be a CPA. No. It takes consistent effort. That means, if your on the road and in hotels you still need to work out. Some hotels have a gym,  but then you come up with excuses. You don’t feel like changing and going down to the gym, or you forgot your gym shorts and have nothing to wear; and you just can’t wear jeans in a gym right? You don’t want to be that weird guy or gal I’m sure. Other times the place will not have a gym at all. What you need to do is take 20 minutes and work out in your hotel room. Beyond emotional fitness and financial fitness with dating; if you want to attract someone who is attractive you need to be in good shape just like they are in good shape. Fair is fair. Here is how you work out in a hotel room (this is what I do):

Step-Ups. You know that cheap office desk and chair in every hotel room that looks like it’s from 1985? Yea, that is going to be your step-up. All your going to want to do is take one leg at a time, and “step-up” on the chair. Plant both feet on the chair, then step down one leg at a time. Simple right? Now increase the speed of it and do it for 10 minutes like if you were on an elliptical machine. Also, make sure first the chair is sturdy and reliable. I don’t want you falling over and taking a super awesome trip to the hospital. If you want to make it more challenging. Hold something in both your hands that weighs a couple pounds.

Elevated-Push Ups: Push-ups are great because it is a fantastic test to see how strong you really are. Strength is not “how much” you can lift, but rather how well you can carry your own body weight. This is why we did push-ups in the military. Not only for punishment, but because their an effective upper body work out. They really are. You hit not only your pecs, but your lats, delts and abs with every rep (lats, delts, what? Let me google that for you).  Traditional push-ups are on the floor, which you can do and they are fine, but elevated push-ups are when you put your legs on a chair or bed like this video:

ONLY do this if you need more of a challenge. They are harder, but should be adequate for most reasonably fit people.

Leg workouts: It always seems like guys spend to much time on their upper body and girls on the cardio. Being stuck in a hotel room is a great opportunity to do some exercises for those neglected leg muscles. Try lunges, you can do them anywhere and leg workout have been shown to burn the most calories, since their your leg muscles are bigger than your arms, and muscle burns fat.

Lastly, arm workouts aka your triceps: Well your not going to be carrying dumbbells with you unless your hardcore, weird, or both. A good substitute is to grab a towel, your luggage, and maybe  a phone book thrown  into the luggage to increase the weight; and your all set. Wrap the towel around the handle on your luggage and start lifting away. Simple right? Now, with all these exercises combined, you should be able to get in a decent 1/2 hour workout if your dedicated and consistent. Don’t like the towel idea? You could always buy some water weights. They fold up easily in your luggage and all you do is fill them up with water in your hotel room…now why didn’t I think of that?

Aquabells Travel Water Filled Exercise Dumbells – 1 pair

When I woke up this morning with my desire to share my thoughts on this site I started writing on my sexy little net-book about how to “let go” after a breakup. Obviously this is now titled let it be after a breakup. Here is why. “Let it go” implies taking a passive approach, and if your anything like me, I am never passive in love or in life. If I simply told you how to just let them go I think I would be leading you astray, since I would be telling you to perform active forgetting towards a very strong emotion. Trying to actively forget a strong emotion is impossible, you can not do it. Over time emotional intensity falls, but seriously, you can not just magically forget how you feel towards something over night, their is no ebook or 10 easy steps you can read, buy, or take. It simply takes time, so since you will not be forgetting any time soon, why pretend otherwise? Hence, lets talk about how to let it be after a breakup and NOT how to let it go since any strong emotion be it anger or love sticks in your mind for some time and you just can not forget it. Like thinking about a purple cow with  black spots. See, now I got you thinking about what a a purple cow with black spots. Sorry about that. Moving on.

Let it Be

Let it be, let it be, oh let it be. Sounds like a country song doesn’t it? Let it be will inevitably mean slightly different things to you than it does to me. Here is what it means for me. Confront your feelings, understand your feelings, and LEARN from your feelings. Let it go for me means to hide from your feelings so that you can eventually forget them. Once you forget them you have successfully let them go and you can now move on with your life. This is not usually how it works out though. Do not be delusional in a pointless goal to protect yourself from the truth. The truth hurts sometimes, but that is the only way you will improve, learn and grow. Breaking up with someone is like getting fired from a job. It is not fun, it is awkward, but it typically is for the best. Letting a broken up relationship “be” means your not trying to fix the relationship, your not trying to make it work with your ex, your not thinking about ways to win back your ex. Your trying to fix yourself, your trying to make yourself into your higher self. You do this through taking a personal inventory, something I regularly do. Ask yourself:

• What is my current perspective on this?
• Why do I want to hide?
• What was the point of this relationship in my life?
• What was the point of this breakup in my life?
• What can I learn from how I am feeling?
• Is their something I could have done differently?
• Is their something they could have done differently?

Some Examples to Help You Out

I will bring up two past relationships for you, not going to name names of course because, who really cares about names in the first place?  The first relationship was with a girl I loved. The second was with someone I did not. In relationship 1, it was never meant to be from the get go. She was from a different culture and religion and had no real say over her dating life. Her parents were going to chose her the man she would spend her life with, and that was that. From a rational perspective, why the hell should I even be wasting my time with her? Well my friend, love is not rational to anyone who has experienced it. As with any romantic relationship it is always FEELINGS before FACTS.  As such, I knew in my heart of hearts our relationship was never going to go any where so I tried to let it go by letting her go. I cut off contact with her, and tried to hide from my feelings, in hopes they would fade, so I could happpily date someone new and lose those old feelings could be gone forever. That is what I did, or at least tried to do. Enter relationship number 2. From an outsiders look, this was the ideal relationship to be in. Both of us had good jobs and an education. Made good money and were able to take care of ourselves. The only problem was FEELINGS before FACTS again. As such, I was never in love, since I was never over relationship number 1 for starters, and also because my feeling just were not their.

So here I am, one relationship fell apart because of my lack of feelings and the other because my feeling could never be reciprocated the way I wanted and need. That was fun (sarcasm). Instead of trying to fix these relationships or just forget about them so I could get over the pain, I instead, just let them be. Let them be for what they are, for what they were. A moment in time, a life experience, a lesson on love. I thought to myself some of the above questions, what could I learn from those two breakups, what could I have done differently? So on and so forth. I picked myself up, made myself a better person for it, and got myself one step closer to being my higher self.

The pain goes away but only after Time

Relationships are tricky thing. Most of the time we go about are day and are at a mellow yellow 7. Good. Not great, not bad, but good. When we are in love and in a relationship we are at a 9 or  a 10. Great, fantastic, wonderful, magnificent even! When your relationship is ending, you plummet back down to a 1,2, or 3. Bad, sad, unhappy. My life sucks. That’s life, love, and relationships for you. A double edged claymore, capable of cutting a man in half and also capable of cutting your own head off. Relationships can be the most powerful and positive forces in our life or the most frustrating and unpleasant things we deal with (thanks life). When you let a relationship be, remember that the pain will soften and melt away like ice over time. Learn from your feelings. If you go the path of letting it be, you will be able to move on with your love life, and your heart in tact. You will be able to smash through the ice with that claymore, and enjoy life and find your love that you want when you find it. Let it be after a break up.