When does needing space turn into breaking up? That’s the theme of this weeks question. Honestly if your dating someone and they tell you they need space, or they need a “break”, it means their breaking up with you. Not sure why this is confusing to some. However, what makes this question a bit more interesting is that what if the person your seeing  just stops calling you? Yea, what if they do not officially break it off with you and just stop calling you. Here is the question:

I have been dating this guy for about  four months. We talked pretty much every day and saw each other regularly. At minimum every Friday or Saturday. We talked recently about how he likes his space. I told him that when he does not call or text me for days I don’t like it. It makes me feel insecure and I wonder what he is doing. Is that crazy? I don’t understand why it is such a big deal for him to call me for 5 minutes. I feel like I pushed him away.

Since we had our little talk on him needing space, he has completely disappeared. I have not heard from him at all. At what point do I move on? If I start dating other guys do I owe him anything? Like if I do date someone else should I tell him? I want to call him really bad, but I think it will come off as chasing him, what should I do?

The first thing you should do is read what I wrote on how to tell I a guy your seeing is your boyfriend. Men are simple and men will behave in a certain way if they have eyes for you. I’m sorry to say but it sounds like this guy is just not that into you. Like I said in the beginning, needing space is a euphemism for wanting to break up. Be it if a man or woman says it. Breaking up with someone is hard, unpleasant work. Thoughts that perhaps you might be making a mistake run through your head, and it is also never fun to break someones heart; but if your not happy in the relationship, breaking up is necessary. No point in having two unhappy people. Besides, what breaking up really means is simply your telling the other person: Hey your nice, but I’m just not sure I want to spend the next 40 years of my life with you“. That seems pretty reasonable to me. “Needing space/taking a break”, is an easy way to let someone down. Learn from this relationship and be thankful that he set you free so you can find that right person for you.

If a man likes you and sees himself as your boyfriend he will:

-Contact you in one way or another EVERY DAY
-Will call himself your boyfriend
-Will Make plans to see you every Friday and Saturday
-Talks about a future with you
-Makes it clear he does not want you seeing or talking to other men
-You have sex with him regularly
-He says he loves you without you having to ask him (don’t expect a guy to say this right away. Right way = < 3 months)

After 4 or 5 months if he is not doing 90% these things, he is not interested in you. When you had that phone conversation about him needing space, that was his way of telling you to back off he is not going to commit to you. Clearly your left with the impression that your still dating him and he just needs space and it is your fault for being emotional. That is non sense. Communication is the core of your problem. When you were speaking with him and he told you he needed space, did you ask him if he wants to continue seeing you? It can be uncomfortable but be direct with a man. Ask him, “are you breaking up with me”.  Make it crystal clear that your breaking up and you will both be seeing other people, for your own sanity. Have strength, even if you feel vulnerable. If he says he needs space, you tell him that you need more from a man. You might feel like that you don’t want to be confrontational because you don’t want to lose him or push him away, but your already losing him. Pulling this one on him might make him question himself.

I’m sure your hurt and I am sorry for that, but their is nothing wrong with wanting him to call you every day. It has nothing to do with you being emotional and pushing him away. Every single girl I have ever dated required that of me. It is part of the deal with being a girls boyfriend. In fact the guy will want to call everyday, you should not have to force him. If he is not doing his job, then do exactly what you did and tell him. Tell him you want him to contact you more. Men are not mind readers and some guys will be completely oblivious that your hurt if he does not contact you every day. If after you tell him, his behavior does not change, consider breaking it off with him. To make a guy do what you want you need to set levels of expectations. If he is not interested in you, he just won’t care.

When does needing space tun into breaking up? The day you had that phone conversation with him about him needing more space.

At what point do i move on? Yesterday would have been a good start.

I feel like calling him. Don’t, you will regret it.

Do I owe him anything if I start dating other guys? Nope, he is not interested in you. Meaning, move on he is NOT your boyfriend. If you do start dating and he pops his head back into your life, do not stand for it. When it comes to your romantic relationships, live by this rule:

If you can not treat me the way that I want, what the hell good are you?

By following this mantra, you will create value in yourself. Things of value are not easy to come by, their rare. Make yourself rare, make yourself valuable by letting men know that if they want to be your boyfriend they have to treat you right.

Oh boy awesome hotel workout routines! I love working out, don’t you? Of course not. That’s why it has “work” in the word because that’s what it is, work. OK, maybe some of you  out their like to work out regularly and that is great. I have lots of friends that run as part of their daily routine. It is so ingrained in them that they can not start their day until they do it. Like taking a shower for the rest of us I guess. Working out does release stress, makes you sleep better, makes you look better,and give you more energy during the day. When it is said like that, why don’t more of us do it? Is it because were lazy? For some, yes I think its rooted in pure laziness, but I think for the majority of us it is because no one works 9-5, we all work 8-6. Then its time to make dinner, then its 7:30 at night and now I just want to relax. Ill work out tomorrow.

Be it at home or on the road, the key to being successful at anything you do is consistency. Do you go to the gym one time and expect to be ripped? No. Do you take one college course in accounting and expect to be a CPA. No. It takes consistent effort. That means, if your on the road and in hotels you still need to work out. Some hotels have a gym,  but then you come up with excuses. You don’t feel like changing and going down to the gym, or you forgot your gym shorts and have nothing to wear; and you just can’t wear jeans in a gym right? You don’t want to be that weird guy or gal I’m sure. Other times the place will not have a gym at all. What you need to do is take 20 minutes and work out in your hotel room. Beyond emotional fitness and financial fitness with dating; if you want to attract someone who is attractive you need to be in good shape just like they are in good shape. Fair is fair. Here is how you work out in a hotel room (this is what I do):

Step-Ups. You know that cheap office desk and chair in every hotel room that looks like it’s from 1985? Yea, that is going to be your step-up. All your going to want to do is take one leg at a time, and “step-up” on the chair. Plant both feet on the chair, then step down one leg at a time. Simple right? Now increase the speed of it and do it for 10 minutes like if you were on an elliptical machine. Also, make sure first the chair is sturdy and reliable. I don’t want you falling over and taking a super awesome trip to the hospital. If you want to make it more challenging. Hold something in both your hands that weighs a couple pounds.

Elevated-Push Ups: Push-ups are great because it is a fantastic test to see how strong you really are. Strength is not “how much” you can lift, but rather how well you can carry your own body weight. This is why we did push-ups in the military. Not only for punishment, but because their an effective upper body work out. They really are. You hit not only your pecs, but your lats, delts and abs with every rep (lats, delts, what? Let me google that for you).  Traditional push-ups are on the floor, which you can do and they are fine, but elevated push-ups are when you put your legs on a chair or bed like this video:

ONLY do this if you need more of a challenge. They are harder, but should be adequate for most reasonably fit people.

Leg workouts: It always seems like guys spend to much time on their upper body and girls on the cardio. Being stuck in a hotel room is a great opportunity to do some exercises for those neglected leg muscles. Try lunges, you can do them anywhere and leg workout have been shown to burn the most calories, since their your leg muscles are bigger than your arms, and muscle burns fat.

Lastly, arm workouts aka your triceps: Well your not going to be carrying dumbbells with you unless your hardcore, weird, or both. A good substitute is to grab a towel, your luggage, and maybe  a phone book thrown  into the luggage to increase the weight; and your all set. Wrap the towel around the handle on your luggage and start lifting away. Simple right? Now, with all these exercises combined, you should be able to get in a decent 1/2 hour workout if your dedicated and consistent. Don’t like the towel idea? You could always buy some water weights. They fold up easily in your luggage and all you do is fill them up with water in your hotel room…now why didn’t I think of that?

Aquabells Travel Water Filled Exercise Dumbells – 1 pair

When I woke up this morning with my desire to share my thoughts on this site I started writing on my sexy little net-book about how to “let go” after a breakup. Obviously this is now titled let it be after a breakup. Here is why. “Let it go” implies taking a passive approach, and if your anything like me, I am never passive in love or in life. If I simply told you how to just let them go I think I would be leading you astray, since I would be telling you to perform active forgetting towards a very strong emotion. Trying to actively forget a strong emotion is impossible, you can not do it. Over time emotional intensity falls, but seriously, you can not just magically forget how you feel towards something over night, their is no ebook or 10 easy steps you can read, buy, or take. It simply takes time, so since you will not be forgetting any time soon, why pretend otherwise? Hence, lets talk about how to let it be after a breakup and NOT how to let it go since any strong emotion be it anger or love sticks in your mind for some time and you just can not forget it. Like thinking about a purple cow with  black spots. See, now I got you thinking about what a a purple cow with black spots. Sorry about that. Moving on.

Let it Be

Let it be, let it be, oh let it be. Sounds like a country song doesn’t it? Let it be will inevitably mean slightly different things to you than it does to me. Here is what it means for me. Confront your feelings, understand your feelings, and LEARN from your feelings. Let it go for me means to hide from your feelings so that you can eventually forget them. Once you forget them you have successfully let them go and you can now move on with your life. This is not usually how it works out though. Do not be delusional in a pointless goal to protect yourself from the truth. The truth hurts sometimes, but that is the only way you will improve, learn and grow. Breaking up with someone is like getting fired from a job. It is not fun, it is awkward, but it typically is for the best. Letting a broken up relationship “be” means your not trying to fix the relationship, your not trying to make it work with your ex, your not thinking about ways to win back your ex. Your trying to fix yourself, your trying to make yourself into your higher self. You do this through taking a personal inventory, something I regularly do. Ask yourself:

• What is my current perspective on this?
• Why do I want to hide?
• What was the point of this relationship in my life?
• What was the point of this breakup in my life?
• What can I learn from how I am feeling?
• Is their something I could have done differently?
• Is their something they could have done differently?

Some Examples to Help You Out

I will bring up two past relationships for you, not going to name names of course because, who really cares about names in the first place?  The first relationship was with a girl I loved. The second was with someone I did not. In relationship 1, it was never meant to be from the get go. She was from a different culture and religion and had no real say over her dating life. Her parents were going to chose her the man she would spend her life with, and that was that. From a rational perspective, why the hell should I even be wasting my time with her? Well my friend, love is not rational to anyone who has experienced it. As with any romantic relationship it is always FEELINGS before FACTS.  As such, I knew in my heart of hearts our relationship was never going to go any where so I tried to let it go by letting her go. I cut off contact with her, and tried to hide from my feelings, in hopes they would fade, so I could happpily date someone new and lose those old feelings could be gone forever. That is what I did, or at least tried to do. Enter relationship number 2. From an outsiders look, this was the ideal relationship to be in. Both of us had good jobs and an education. Made good money and were able to take care of ourselves. The only problem was FEELINGS before FACTS again. As such, I was never in love, since I was never over relationship number 1 for starters, and also because my feeling just were not their.

So here I am, one relationship fell apart because of my lack of feelings and the other because my feeling could never be reciprocated the way I wanted and need. That was fun (sarcasm). Instead of trying to fix these relationships or just forget about them so I could get over the pain, I instead, just let them be. Let them be for what they are, for what they were. A moment in time, a life experience, a lesson on love. I thought to myself some of the above questions, what could I learn from those two breakups, what could I have done differently? So on and so forth. I picked myself up, made myself a better person for it, and got myself one step closer to being my higher self.

The pain goes away but only after Time

Relationships are tricky thing. Most of the time we go about are day and are at a mellow yellow 7. Good. Not great, not bad, but good. When we are in love and in a relationship we are at a 9 or  a 10. Great, fantastic, wonderful, magnificent even! When your relationship is ending, you plummet back down to a 1,2, or 3. Bad, sad, unhappy. My life sucks. That’s life, love, and relationships for you. A double edged claymore, capable of cutting a man in half and also capable of cutting your own head off. Relationships can be the most powerful and positive forces in our life or the most frustrating and unpleasant things we deal with (thanks life). When you let a relationship be, remember that the pain will soften and melt away like ice over time. Learn from your feelings. If you go the path of letting it be, you will be able to move on with your love life, and your heart in tact. You will be able to smash through the ice with that claymore, and enjoy life and find your love that you want when you find it. Let it be after a break up.

Be authentic in love and life and you will not only be more successful in your romantic relationships, but also in every interaction you have with other people in your life. Having authenticity means you are true to who you are:  Who you are is made up of 1) your values and 2) your core beliefs. When projecting a persona and personality, you are not attempting to trick anyone into thinking your something your not. That move which many of us fall into, will come off as fake and contrived since it is not congruent with who you are. If you strive to make changes to your values and beliefs in order to better yourself that is another matter. Like if you value intelligence, strength, confidence, sexiness, working down a path of personal development to internalize those values and to project those values is not fake and contrived, it is a genuine effort with your heart in the right place. It will eventually be authentic.

Let’s take a look at one of my college friends who fell down the fake and contrived path. Lets call him James (not his real name). James was and is a nerdy, dorky guy. He was studying accounting because he did not want to be like his dad and brother who were computer programmers (because accounting is cool and sexy? Who knows). On top of that he was also over weight much of his life. As such, life can be cruel and James was bullied and harassed up through high school. Desperately wanting to fit in, get girls, and make friends when he went off to college, he tried to “act” cool instead of just BEING cool.

Specifically, he tried to be like my very popular roommate Bobby who was a frat guy and an athlete. Bobby honestly slept with a different girl every week, had a ton of friends, was always busy and popular, physically in great shape, and embodied much of what any 18-22 yr old girl likes in a guy. Bobby and was living the life James wanted so so badly, to the point where I think James would have make a deal with the devil to get what he wanted if that opportunity presented it self. James adopted a persona and a personality of Bobby without internalizing the core authentic beliefs that made Bobby, Bobby. Instead James was a contrived and fake shadow of Bobby. He put the cart before the horse so to speak. To be authentic in love and life James should have looked at the values and beliefs that make up Bobby: Fun and adventurous, confident, cocky, strong, alpha male, and work towards adopting those qualities instead of adopting the end result of those qualities. James was an insecure, needy, nervous, self conscious guy pretending to be a  fun, adventurous, cocky, strong, alpha male. He tried to copy the actions without understanding the values and beliefs that drove those actions. Without working towards internalizing those values and beliefs in himself so they will be authentic, real, and true, James failed to achieve his goals in love and life.

Not forever mind you, James did eventually find his way. Once he embraced the qualities that made up who he was: intelligent, sincere, hard working, disciplined. He was able to leverage those qualities and values into the qualities and values he wanted to have, then from their, he was able to make himself into the person he wanted to be. He lost the weight, did exceptionally well in school, joined clubs, groups, and organizations that were congruent with what he likes and want. He made friends as a result, he got a stellar job out of college, and was able to attract a girl he loves deeply, and is now quite happy. Awesome.

Moral of the story is to Be True to Yourself since Everyone Else is Taken

This of course is easier said than done. In a world with an incredible amout of social conditioning telling us the right way to live, what is beautiful, what is socially acceptable, what will make us happy, it is easy to be lost in life and not feel anything.  Your numb to existence when you discover the things that you were told will make you happy and joyous do not. We are all subject to this conditioning and it makes me wonder how authentic in love and life any of us are. How many of you have a job you love? Or are you in a profession simply because it “made sense” at the time. How many of you out their choose your relationship, and how many of you out their just settled for one? How many of you think that “if only” I had more money then I could be happy?

So How do you Be Authentic?

My take is to simply be genuine and real in your convictions. Avoiding conflict and changing your convictions in order to NOT upset someone is an example of NOT being authentic. Be yourself, at least be the best parts of yourself and work on the parts that need work. Treat everyone equally. Otherwise, it will set off defensive triggers. This is human nature. When your not authentic you come across as fake.Your motives will be questioned and it will be assumed you have an agenda. Thus, you will fail to get what you want. Like if I just meet a girl and I told her “you are just the most beautiful girl I have ever seen” OR “your soo distractingly pretty” what she going to think? She is going to think How bout some sex.

Overly complimenting sets of defensive triggers in anyone, you start to think “what does this person really want”. Take work for example, what if your manager was telling you how great and valuable an employee you are, how they wish they had more workers like you, and oh by the way can you work late Thursday? You then think that he/she was only saying that stuff to you because they wanted you to work late. Then you think “what a jerk”! Being authentic means you treat everyone equally, you do not come off like you have an agenda, or that you want something, but you also recognize everyone’s individual differences. When you have nothing to hide, you are able to be open and compassionate in the most genuine way. You make others feel more comfortable around you, and allow other to like you for you. This is the first step toward forming a relationship with someone, and it is also how you be authentic in love and life.

Well this question came out of left field for sure, a girl wants to know if men think female UFC fighters are “hot” as she put it. Women kicking ass, with their big manly muscles and deadly close combat techniques to inflict pain on their opponent, while all going on in front of a roaring crowd of fans. Here is her question:

Everyone I know loves to watch MMA events, but I have been noticing that the female events are not as popular as the men events are. It got me thinking though, do you and other men think cage match fighting for women is hot or not? If not why?

Masculine women fighting in a cage, breaking each other bones, punching each other in the face, watching their noses bleed and them getting knocked out unconscious is not particularly a turn on for me (not big surprise), but that is just me. Maybe other guys like that sort of thing if their into sexual deviance like submission and domination, but I would bet otherwise.

Women Fighting

The case for fighting women = sexy as a man’s fantasy is over rated. Masculine men are attracted to feminine women, and feminine women are attracted to masculine men.  The main qualities all guys find attractive in women is 1) Beauty 2)Youthfulness (Now I did not say young, I said youthful, playful) 3) Nurturing 4) Positive, fun, adventurous 5) Sexual affinity. This whole idea that women kicking ass is just something were told is sexy on tv. Take the Charlies Angels series.

Men find Lucy Lui, Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore attractive simply because they fall under the “Beauty, fun, youthful” category of what attracts men. Not because their “strong confident, take charge” women. Though confidence is attractive, men do not necessarily find it sexy if a woman can beat someone else up. Much like “nice guys“. Being nice is a quality women want and like in men, but being nice is not something they find sexy. So while it may be empowering for women to watch them beat people up, it is more of a novelty than a sexual turn on because honestly, that is not how it works in reality, for better or worse, men are stuck with the job of fighting, not women.

When their is a strange noise outside in the middle of the night, who has the job of wandering outside with a baseball bat to go check to make sure it is safe? When their is a spider that needs to be squashed, who normally has to take care of that? When their is a mouse scurrying about at your feet who has to catch it and kill it? When that guy won’t leave you alone who has to deal with him? After you have sex with a man, is it the man who cuddles up next to you and asks you to hold him tight? If you said yes to any of that then that is just weird. For the rest of us, the normal response should be of course not! That is now how it works in reality. Men are protectors, and men like being protectors. It is one of the ways we show women we love them and care about them. Women show their love in much more complex ways, but a nurturing supportive nature is something all men love and need from women, just like women need to be protected and cared for from men. It is natures version of yin and yang. It works and it is beautiful.

So are UFC fighters Hot?

From a strictly aesthetic perspective, then sure. An attractive woman is an attractive woman. What she does for a living does not make her less attractive necessarily (unless perhaps she is a drug lord). I do not watch UFC, I am more of a football guy, but I searched the Internet for any attractive women that do battle in the UFC, and the girl I personally found most attractive was Gina Carano.

She The Only Reasone to Watch Women’s UFC?

GINA CARANO IS HOT

Though she fights, she still has a womanly charm about her. Fit, happy,approachable, attractive. She looks like she would be a good time to spend  with out and about. The fact she fights does not make her more attractive, she just is attractive. Female UFC fighters are attractive only if they are attractive. Men do not find cage matches sexy, and a beat up woman is not at all appealing.  Most men would rather watch women’s tennis if the point was to check out hot, attractive, athletic, sexy women.