Having confidence is a huge advantage in careers, life, and relationships. It’s the key to attracting the right job, the right people, the right decisions from others, and getting what we want.

Like money, everyone wants more confidence. Some people naturally seem to have it; perhaps they were lucky and had the right kind of parenting. In any case, knowing a few strategies for improving our self-confidence will ensure that we can tap into its power.

Everyone has a baseline of confidence. Some people have unshakable confidence built upon strong foundations; others find their confidence level is a bit shaky when faced with mistakes, criticisms and failures.

Confidence is closely tied with our sense of self-esteem. Self-esteem enables us to experience ourselves not only accurately but gladly. It’s a realistic, appreciative opinion; we are able to be honest about our strengths, weaknesses and everything in between, and still feel good about who we are.

There is a difference between the outer appearance of confidence and deeply felt intrinsic self-worth. True self esteem is steady; it doesn’t lead to complacency or overconfidence, but rather is a strong motivator to work hard.

Studies have shown that self-esteem is universal: it is important not only in Western Cultures, but is related to mental health and happiness in diverse cultures including Asia and the Middle East.

Foundations of Self-Esteem

According to Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D, author of 10 Simple Solutions for Building Self-Esteem, self-esteem is built from three factors: unconditional worth, unconditional love and growth.

1. 1.      Unconditional Worth

   This means that one’s worth isn’t increased or diminished by external factors, but is based on our true value as a human being. This can be confusing to people who have learned they must achieve and acquire in order to be considered worthy.

   Once we believe in our intrinsic worth, we are relieved of the need to judge ourselves and others, or compare and compete on external values and factors. We can choose to value our own innate capacities and see the many ways we contribute to the well-being of ourselves and others.

2. 2.      Unconditional Love

   Abraham Maslow noted that psychological health is not possible without love for the essential core. Even those who have not experienced unconditional love from parents can learn to provide love to themselves and others. Love helps us experience our worth, feel satisfaction, and enjoy growth and life.

3. 3.      Growth

We feel better about ourselves when we are living constructively, learning, making decisions, developing and growing. Growing does not change our core worth, but it helps us experience it with greater satisfaction.

In summary, self-esteem is a sense of satisfaction that comes from recognizing and appreciating our intrinsic worth; it encourages us to choose to love and grow. It’s not based upon comparing and competing. We can enhance and enjoy our sense of self worth through learning, growing, achievements and goals. 

How We Lose Confidence

Young children do not appear to experience self-dislike. As we mature, however, we learn to over-think. We judge, compare, criticize, worry, blame, and obsess about faults. We want what we don’t have, and we forget to appreciate what we do have.

We lose patience with ourselves and others, and don’t accept things as they are. As we lose self-compassion, we also lose our compassion for others. As adults we become highly judgmental, and may even prize judgment as the quality of discernment.

As a result, we become overly critical. We apply a negative eye to ourselves and that erodes our sense of intrinsic value and self worth. Unreasonable negative thoughts intrude into our minds and forming background chatter that drowns out appreciation and enjoyment.

Getting Rid of Negativity

Without doubt, our own critical nature eats away at our confidence more than any outside judgment, mistake or failure. Over-active negative mind chatter can cause us to react defensively in neutral situations.

Many of these habits of thinking are learned and can be unlearned. Forget about blaming parents, teachers, and people who didn’t like us when we were growing up. No matter what happened to us or how we ended up with negative reactions, we can learn to disconnect from harmful automatic thoughts.

We can replace negative thoughts with positive ones that will make us more effective, happier, and self-confident. Ultimately we are responsible for the thoughts we choose. We can’t control many things in life, but we can control our thoughts.

Here are a few of the distortions that show up in negative mind chatter:

We lose confidence when we apply negative thinking to ourselves or other people. No one escapes these intrusive thought patterns. The key is to become aware of them. Once we catch ourselves engaging in automatic distortions, we can re-think, reframe, and revise our thoughts.

For example, we might be thinking, “I can’t possibly get this done in time. I’m too slow in the mornings. My brain doesn’t work that way.”

We can reframe the self-talk like this: “I don’t like having to work in a hurry, especially so early. I’m not sure I can finish, but at least I can start.  Maybe my brain will wake up after a few stabs at it.”

By acknowledging the reality, we avoid catastrophizing and assuming, and we agree to do what is possible by starting.

When we look at what we can do, instead of what’s wrong, we give ourselves a chance to succeed and grow from the experience. When we guard against distortions and negativity, our confidence grows instead of withers. Our minds start to acquire more positive thinking habits. We set ourselves up for success and build self-confidence.

Human nature expects, and demands, that when a person is in need of help that a friend or family member step up and lend a helping hand. A rescuer fills this need because it offers satisfaction for themselves and help to the ones in need. The request for assistance can be financial or emotional support, or some type of physical task that needs to be completed. No matter what is called for, though, a rescuer will allows jump to the rescue of the person in need.

There are numerous downfalls associated with a person that is a natural rescuer. They will, nine out of ten times, sacrifice their own personal finances, well-being, or lifestyle in order to help others. Many people that put others before themselves have to cope with living a simple life that is full of choices made by the people around them.

The second most prominent downfall that can befall a rescuer can be linked to the problem discussed above. Once people realize that a rescuer is present they will take full advantage of it. More often than not a person that helps others will be used to accomplish as many tasks as possible, even simple ones such as running to the store in the middle of the night. No task is too small, or big, to tackle in order for them to fulfill their own inner demands.

Being a rescuer is an emotional need that many people throughout the world can be categorized into. It is a natural response to any situation that may arise pertaining to the wants and needs of friends and family members. It is an emotional state that requires the rescuer to help people in order for them to feel needed, making them fulfill the internal requirements of being important and loved. Even though stepping up and helping people is a natural, commonly automatic, act for a rescuer, it is possible to limit the negative effects associated with the actions. Basically, people that are rescuers need to learn how to say “no”, and to realize that it is necessary to prioritize their lives by putting themselves before others.

Lane Resources Inc.

R. Lynn Lane

Several generations have grown up on the tales of Winnie the Pooh and his friends from the Hundred Acre Wood. Since the loveable Pooh Bear was first introduced to the world in 1924 by writer A.A. Milne, stories of the ragtag gang have captivated the hearts and imaginations of millions.

Rarely does a child—or and adult, for that matter—read or watch a Winnie the Pooh story without coming across a moral lesson. Four of the life lessons that permeate throughout the franchise are:

1. Optimism is better than pessimism.

Contrast the adorable yet morose attitude of Eeyore with the ever-upbeat attitude of Winnie. While Eeyore always focuses intensely on the cloud, Pooh always seems to find the silver lining. Pooh and the others seem to tolerate Eeyore’s pessimism, but it is clear that the better approach to life is the optimistic one.

2. True friends are always loyal, even if it costs.

Winnie and his friends frequently overcome their fears in order to rescue one who is lost or in danger. They are even willing to set aside personal agendas and desires for the sake of the one who is in trouble, such as when Pooh set aside his search for honey in order to rescue Christopher Robin from the dreaded Backson. In so doing, the Hundred Acre Wood residents demonstrate true friendship to us.

3. Expect the best in each other.

Piglet, Winnie’s timid friend, often finds strength in the encouragement he receives from Pooh. Even when the others express doubts about another’s abilities or intentions, Pooh remains positive. Similarly, when we expect the best in someone else, often that person will rise to the occasion. As a bonus, positive expectations can also lead to less stress and fewer interpersonal conflicts.

4. Have an unquenchable hunger for more.

Fans of Winnie know that the one thing that occupies most of Pooh’s time and energy is his never-ending quest for honey. He has an insatiable thirst for the sweet nectar. Likewise, we can have an insatiable desire to grow beyond where we are right now. We can have a healthy hunger to grow personally, professionally, relationally, intellectually, and spiritually.

These and other lessons expressed through the Winnie the Pooh series of books and videos can enrich the life of a young child as well as a seasoned parent. Winnie the Pooh and his friends may reside in a fantasy world, but they teach us valuable lessons for living in the real world.

Lane Resources (c) 2011
Lynn Lane

Four basic drives are common to all human beings, but which ones affect your daily life and behavior? How do they influence the choices you make?

At the start of the 20th century, psychoanalysis pioneer Sigmund Freud proposed that people are driven by sex and power—but there’s much more to it than that. By the 1950s, psychologist Abraham Maslow identified our “hierarchy” of basic needs, which include shelter, food, clothing, ego and belonging. After these needs were met, he said, we’re driven toward self-actualization—a state very few achieve.

In the 1960s, MIT management professor Douglas McGregor applied Maslow’s ideas to the business world. He asserted that once basic salary needs were met, workers had higher drives that weren’t contingent on rewards or punishments. If managers could tap into people’s inner motivations by granting more autonomy and respect, they would spur greater performance.

Harvard psychology professor David McClelland later identified three motivators in leaders: drives to achieve, attain power and affiliate with others.

Despite all of these studies, businesses continue to use monetary incentives instead of tapping into employees’ intrinsic motivations. Perhaps one can chalk this up to fuzzy, anachronistic notions about what motivates people.

A new theory suggests each of us has four basic drives that have existed since our cavemen days. These drives, which have allowed us to survive, are embedded in our DNA and actively chart the course for our daily behaviors.

Acquiring, Bonding, Learning and Defending

In Driven: How Human Nature Shapes Our Choices (Jossey Bass, 2001), Harvard Business School professors Paul R. Lawrence and Nitin Nohria draw evidence for their four-drive theory from evolutionary psychology and Charles Darwin’s teachings, as well as the social sciences and organizational life.

Human beings seek ways to fulfill the following drives because our evolutionary heritage compels us to meet basic survival needs:

1. The drive to acquire objects and experiences that improve our status relative to others. We’re driven to seek, take, control, and retain objects and personal experiences. In the course of evolution, humans have been naturally selected to compete for food, water, shelter and sexual fulfillment.

We’re driven to acquire both material and positional goods, as well as social status. But the drive to acquire is rarely satisfied; we always seem to want more and seek even greater status.

1. The drive to bond with others in long-term relationships of mutual care and commitment. Human beings have an innate drive to form social relationships and develop commitments with others—drives that are fulfilled only when the attachment is mutual.

   Groups of individuals who bond to one another have always had a better chance of surviving environmental threats. This drive induces us to cooperate with others.

1. The drive to learn and make sense of the world and of ourselves. Humans have an innate drive to satisfy their curiosity—to know, comprehend, believe, appreciate, and develop understandings or representations of their environment and themselves through a reflective process.

   This drive, without doubt, has enabled mankind to survive the elements and has given us distinct advantages over other creatures.

1. The drive to defend ourselves, our loved ones, our beliefs and our resources. Humans have an innate drive to defend themselves and their valued accomplishments whenever they perceive them to be endangered. The fundamental emotion manifested by this subconscious drive is alarm, which in turn triggers fear and/or anger. This drive has obvious survival value and quite possibly may have been the first drive to have evolved in our earliest ancestors.

In modern life, the drive to defend manifests in many ways. Much of human activity is generated by this drive. It is activated by perceived threats to one’s body, possessions and bonded relationships, as well as by threats to one’s own cognitive representations of our environment and self-identity.

The Balancing Act

The four drives are intrinsic and universal, found in some physical form in our brains. While independent, the drives are highly interactive with each other.

Each drive also has a “dark side,” as when the drive to acquire becomes excessively competitive and diminishes respect for others, or when the drive to defend one’s current thinking diminishes the drive to learn new perspectives.

These four drives exist in each of us; no one is immune. They determine the choices we make.

In some people, one drive will be more developed than others, creating an imbalance. And in some jobs, specific drives will be emphasized over others.

Using Drive to Your Advantage

Understanding how each of these drives manifests in your life can help you understand how and why you make particular choices. Working with a professional coach can help you identify your strongest drives so you can understand yourself better.

You may be relying too much on your drive to acquire or be placing too much emphasis on the drive to bond, while neglecting your drive to learn. Often, the drive to defend can overwhelm other important drives that must be satisfied to achieve and enjoy a well-balanced and successful life.

Which drives are guiding your choices—and which drive do you neglect?

The answers to these questions lie in acknowledging that all four drives are basic to human nature—and that a balanced life must include some satisfaction in all four areas.

As Lawrence and Nohria write: “The challenge is to find a course forward that fulfils all of our basic drives in some creative, balanced way…The way forward must be to use the best side of each drive to check the dark, excessive potential of human nature.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

√ Would you create the life you always wanted?

√ Would you like to be significant,

successful & satisfied?

√ Are you contributing to others?

√ When will you start growing in your personal development?

Get my book on kindle —> Never Ending You!

How to Read People
and Influence Perceptions

Competition for top leadership positions is tough. Intelligence and good social skills are the price of admission, but they’re not enough. A high-potential candidate must master the intricacies of reading people, predicting behaviors and influencing perceptions—advanced communication skills that can be learned.

The effective CEO’s presence and essence have changed tremendously over the last two decades. There’s no hiding behind a title. What propels most executives to the top won’t keep them there for long, unless they can continually improve their people-reading skills and manage perceptions.

If you have talent and skills, you probably know by now that they’re not enough—unless you’re lucky enough to bear the company founder’s last name and are in line for succession.

Today’s effective leaders have more than presence, charisma and charm. They are strategic about managing their communication skills and adroit at reading others’ perceptions and values.

Perceptive leaders craft messages that meet their target audiences’ needs. They understand which information will be filtered out, how messages become distorted and disregarded, and how information is assigned meaning.

While they are savvier than most at reading nonverbal cues, preconceptions about body language may cause them to miss more important signals. Leaders must learn to identify how people’s values become filters for their perceptions.

Social Intelligence

Psychologist Daniel Goleman rocked the world of leadership development with his landmark book, Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace (2000), and his theories on EI’s role in business interactions.

In 2007, he followed up with Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, which carried internal emotional awareness into the realm of external social facility.

In the similarly titled Social Intelligence: The New Science of Success (2009), management consultant Karl Albrecht explores how social intelligence plays out in executive interactions. He suggests SI is “a combination of a basic understanding of people—a kind of strategic awareness—and a set of component skills for interacting successfully with them.”

Albrecht defines social intelligence in relatively simple terms: “the ability to get along well with others and to get them to cooperate with you.” He proposes five distinct dimensions that contribute to social competencies:

1. Situational Awareness: A social radar used to read situations and interpret people’s behaviors in terms of possible intentions, emotional states and proclivity to interact.
2. Presence: A range of verbal and nonverbal patterns, to include one’s appearance, posture, vocal quality and subtle movements—a collection of signals that others process into an evaluative impression.
3. Authenticity: Others’ social radar, whose signals lead them to believe we are honest, open, ethical, trustworthy and well-intentioned—or not.
4. Clarity: Our ability to explain ourselves, illuminate ideas, accurately pass data, and articulate our views and proposed actions—all of which enable others to cooperate with us.
5. Empathy: A shared feeling between two people; a state of connectedness that creates the basis for positive interaction and collaboration.

Each dimension of social intelligence requires competencies well beyond the norm. Leaders cannot fake these qualities.

Situational Awareness
It’s no accident that Albrecht puts situational awareness at the top of his list. High-potential leaders must be able to read emotional contexts in any given situation.

Executives spend most of their waking hours interacting with and influencing others so they can meet any number of business objectives. Most of us believe we’re pretty good at reading people, but we may overestimate our prowess.

Body Language

We assign meaning to gestures, facial expressions and vocal intonations. We believe that people who cross their arms are closed-off and defensive. If a woman puts her hands on her hips, we assume she’s taking a stand and could become aggressive. When a man casts his eyes toward the ceiling, we think he’s considering something.

But such assumptions aren’t necessarily true, and they can distract us from other important cues. Leaders require a deeper understanding of the art and science of reading people to accurately decode body language.

People-Reading

Research shows that people are only 20 percent successful at reading body language. Determining the true meaning of visual, verbal and nonverbal cues requires a more complex analysis of other variables.

Consider the many clues we may miss during critical negotiations or board presentations. Have you ever left a meeting wondering how you fared? If so, you likely focused intensely on your presentation and failed to observe and decode others’ communication signals.

You cannot interpret signals if you’re not seeing them. An inner focus prevents you from observing, hearing, filtering, asking questions and interpreting signs. You’re simply not taking advantage of all observable, available data.

Flight Plan for Your Career

Airline pilots are astute observers in the cockpit. They see and read a variety of instruments and data within the context of their situation. They’re always aware of what is happening and what could happen long before decision time arrives.

Their observations force them to create a proactive management plan. They watch, anticipate and decode everything to optimize outcomes.

As a professional, you should follow suit. Observe, decode, assign meanings and formulate possible responses to what you see and sense.

The Invisible Iceberg

The stimuli we hear and see are merely the tip of a complex psychological iceberg. We know, with only one glance, when someone is upset. Many of us can walk into a meeting, instantly sense the tone and appropriately adjust our demeanor.

Why, then, can two people observe the same circumstances and draw completely different conclusions?

The brain filters incoming observations before it allows us to reach a conclusion. Common internal variables may alter this process:

• Biases
• Flawed assumptions
• Memories
• Urgencies
• Agendas
• Fears
• Paranoia

“Truly advanced people-readers take this into consideration and strive to objectify their conclusions by factoring in the filters of their own world view,” writes communication consultant Harrison Monarth in Executive Presence: The Art of Commanding Respect Like a CEO (McGraw-Hill, 2009).

The Bias Trap

We have a tendency to apply our own values and choices to others. But smart executives know that engineers view the world one way, while salespeople see things in another light.

Different departments can hold different values. Failure to recognize this can cause gridlocks, delays and derailed goals. Evolved individuals realize the potential impact when gauging a situation and assessing individuals’ readiness to buy into a plan.

Optimizing Outcomes

When mastering the art of people-reading, your ultimate goal is optimizing outcomes, not judging others.

In sales, this means understanding what prospects really need, their possible objections and tailoring your presentation accordingly. With your boss, it means avoiding potential hot buttons and predicting standards of successful performance. Selective timing and customized verbal and nonverbal messages are critical.

Each step requires the ability to read moods, sense levels of stress or distraction, and gauge openness and risk levels. Learn to say and do the right things, at the right time, with the right people.

The more you observe about others, while filtering out your internal biases, the more effective and empowered you’ll become at reading people and situations accurately.

The Influence of Context

Much of social dumbness comes from not paying attention to available clues. We fail to see them when we’re focused on crafting our best message and delivering it to successfully persuade others to our point of view.

All human interaction takes place in a context or a setting. Context creates meaning, and meaning shapes people’s behavior. Situational awareness and people-reading depend on recognizing contexts and the meanings they create.

Each of us inherently knows this, yet many of us don’t appreciate the extent to which context influences everything.

3 Context Dynamics to Observe

Watch for the following dimensions in any given situation:

1. The Proxemic Context: This refers to the dynamics of the physical space in which people are interacting, the structures and positions within that space, and the way people’s behaviors are influenced by it.The definition of proxemic includes these three ideas:

a. The relative degree of physical proximity tolerated by an animal species or cultural group
b. The use of space as an aspect of culture
c. The study of differences in distance, contact, posture and the like in communication between two people

1. The Behavioral Context: The patterns of action, emotions, motivation and intention that show up in human interactions.

1. 3. The Semantic Context: The patterns of language used in the discourse, which signal—overtly and covertly—the nature of the relationships, differences in status and social class, governing social codes, and the degree of understanding created (or prevented) by language habits.

Each of these dynamics is complex and beyond the scope of this article; however, their basic definitions should alert you that context is multilayered. That said, each of us can work on becoming better observers of context and learning to understand situations in more effective ways.

4 Steps for Better People-Reading Skills

The following steps can help you improve your ability to observe and read people and situations. Practice at least one over the next seven days, and notice any changes in the way you perceive and experience others. You will likely be more present, and your experiences will become richer.

1. Start using your senses instead of going through the day on autopilot. Sit in an airport, a restaurant or a mall and watch people. Try to figure out their relationships in couples or groups. Notice their moods, clothing and the ways they position themselves with others.
2. Observe the spaces in which you find yourself. Who sits where in meetings? How are offices or work spaces laid out? How does this communicate status or authority?
3. Listen for the various ways people use language to signal their social status and authority. How do people use slang, figures of speech, specialized vocabularies and clichés?
4. Observe the nonverbal signals people use to define and reinforce their relationships. How does the boss convey approachability? How do others do this?

The more you consciously use your senses and observe people, the more situational awareness you will gain. After a while, you’ll pick up on things you never before noticed. You’ll begin to incorporate new sensitivity into your communications and most certainly raise your level of executive presence.

As a young boy I had a poster on the wall in my room. It was a picture of a very busy and crowded city street. The city was full of confusion. People everywhere, crowded streets, with signs and billboards. The words across the top of the poster ask the question. Why am I here? My question to you is why are you here? What is your purpose on this earth? Maybe you’ve ask yourself that question before. Maybe you know your purpose but you’ve never made the decision to act on it.

Peter Drucker says; “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” The majority of people never live a life of purpose because it takes hard work and discipline. Most people just settle for what comes along. They live the life of quiet desperation. They talk about what they should do and dream big dreams, but never go forward. A life without action is a life without purpose.

Success has been studied and researched for years. We have more information on success today than ever before and one outstanding similarity is that the winners in life all have a major definite purpose.

You see, it’s your purpose that keeps you in a forward motion. Your purpose gives you momentum. We need to know that we are growing and making a contribution. Each time you reach a goal your self-esteem will grow and then you’ll build on that accomplishment, like an avalanche it will grow as it pushes forward.

 That’s why winners have goals and a major purpose for their life. Tony Robbins says, “People are not lazy. They simply have impotent goals – that is, goals that do not inspire them.” Some people have a goal to get up and go to work. Go back home set down in front of the television have a couple of beers and go to bed, only to do the same thing the next day and the next day and the next day. If you don’t have a major purpose in your life, you will always be bound under the power of the people who do. I believe that many people you find in hospitals, prisons, and in the court system are without a major definite purpose. Without purpose you have no compelling future to look forward to.

Without a compelling future you give up on life and find yourself in a state of mind that’s not productive. And through the law of attraction you attract more depression and more of the things you really don’t want. Without a compelling future, people turn to drugs and alcohol to change their state of mind which is only a temporary solution and then it’s repeated over and over.

I worked as an EMT in my twenties and witnessed people without a compelling future many times. On one occasion we got a call to a railroad crossing in a little out of the way country town. The call was that a train hit a man on the track. As I was driving to the scene I was trying to imagine what to expect. I was thinking of different scenarios in my mind. We didn’t know if this person was alive, if they were in a vehicle or what. So I was trying to prepare myself for action.

When we got there I could see the end of the train way down the track and a figure of a body laying on the track about thirty feet away from the crossing. Then I realized that it was a man that had been ran over by this train. We later found out by a witness that this man had set there on the tracks for hours drinking beer waiting on this train. And just at the last second as the train was roaring down the track this man stood up in front of the train and his life ended in a tragic way.

I have no doubt that this man had no definite purpose in his life to look forward to. If you’re not growing in this life you’re dying. This world will eliminate you just as nature eliminates plants and animals. Think about all the things in your world that at one time served a purpose that you no longer have. You’ve gotten rid of those things because they no longer serve your needs. If you don’t know your major purpose in life, that’s ok. Most people don’t know what their purpose is. It has been estimated that only about three percent of the population ever have clear goals in life. As you learn to set small goals that are consistent with your values you will begin to see your purpose unfold.

Some people decide on a purpose at an early age, some wait much later. Col. Sanders started Kentucky Fried Chicken or KFC as they call it today in his sixties. He said; “I made a resolve then that I was going to amount to something if I could. And no hours, nor amount of labor, nor amount of money would deter me from giving the best that there was in me.”

“Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.”

… Robert Cody

I am sure that every religion known to man all has one thing in common, that would be faith. Faith is about living your life and going forward without all the answers.

Faith allows you the freedom from being held back by worry, doubt and fear. You may find it hard to have faith, and to believe in yourself when people around you try to cut you down with words of discouragement. No matter what others say about you, your plans, your dreams, or your vision, faith in yourself has to remain. You lose the power of confidence when you forsake your faith and belief in yourself. Never allow others to shake your belief or faith. Having faith in yourself releases you from the opinions of others. The only opinion that’s important is the opinion you have of yourself.

Without the belief in yourself you’ll never find the confidence to overcome fear and challenges when the time arises. Any good fisherman will tell you that the best lure you have is the lure you have the most confidence in. The best martial artist will also tell you the best technique they have is the one they have the most confidence in. That is the same belief and confidence you need for yourself.

Without it; how can you sell an idea, communicate your needs, elicit help from others along your journey?

When you discover your mission, you will feel its demand. It will fill you with enthusiasm and a burning desire to get to work on it. ~ W. Clement Stone

Does your life have a clear sense of purpose?

Most people have a fundamental need to seek and find their calling in life, be it through work, hobbies or volunteer activities. While philosophers have long weighed in on the subject, it has recently come under scrutiny by researchers who seek to understand the science behind human happiness and success.

Psychologist Michael Steger and his colleagues at Colorado State University created the Meaning in Life Questionnaire (MLQ) to measure the presence of meaning in our lives, as well as how much we seek to further our understanding of life’s purpose.

This five-minute test will prompt you to think about these important topics, and it can serve as the foundation for discussions with your significant relationships, mentor or coach.

The Meaning in Life Questionnaire (MLQ)

Take a moment to think about what makes your life and existence feel important.

Using the following scale, respond to the 10 statements on the questionnaire as truthfully and accurately as possible. Keep in mind that each statement is subjective, so there are no right or wrong ratings.

Untrue True
1. Absolutely untrue 4. Can’t say if true or false 5. Somewhat true
2. Mostly untrue 6. Mostly true
3. Somewhat untrue 7. Absolutely true

Statements

1. _____I understand my life’s meaning.
2. _____I am looking for something that makes my life feel meaningful.
3. _____I am always looking to find my life’s purpose.
4. _____My life has a clear sense of purpose.
5. _____I have a good sense of what makes my life meaningful.
6. _____I have discovered a satisfying life purpose.
7. _____I am always searching for something that makes my life feel significant.
8. _____I am seeing a purpose or mission for my life.
9. _____My life has no clear purpose.
10. _____I am searching for meaning in my life.

Scoring

You can create two subscales from this measure: one for the “Presence” of meaning and the other for the “Search” for meaning.

Presence: Statements 1, 4, 5, 6 and 9 (reverse-coded)
Search: 2, 3, 7, 8 and 10

Note: There is no manual for interpreting this questionnaire. To understand it better, please contact Dr. Steger through his website: http://michaelfsteger.com/MLQ.aspx. The quiz is reproduced here solely to stimulate your thinking and facilitate a conversation with your coach or mentor.

There are no definitive methods for discovering what really matters to you, but passion and purpose go hand in hand. When you discover your purpose, you will normally find that it’s something about which you are tremendously passionate. You will be energetic and experience positive emotions.

In reviewing your life, you’ll find that you have already invested considerable time and effort in pursuit of what really matters to you. Responsibilities to others, however, often sidetrack and distract us from focusing on our core purpose, which may evolve over time. Look for recurrent themes and core interests.

The Daily Search… or the Daily Grind

Many people organize their lives to such an extent that they begin to feel like robots after a while. While routines help us conserve energy, they also lead to boredom and disengagement.

As you complete your daily activities, ask yourself these important questions:

1. What is this task’s purpose?
2. How can I bring more meaning to this activity?
3. How will this task bring me closer to my passion(s)?
4. How can I find a way to express my true values?

Finding Meaning at Work

As humans, we require a sense of belonging in the world—a place to make a contribution. For most, this comes through work, which is as much about spirit and passion as it is about salary.

Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow defined the human “hierarchy of needs” on four main levels:

1. Security
2. Relationships
3. Self-esteem
4. Self-actualization

As our basic security needs for food, clothing and shelter are met, we are free to focus on fulfilling other needs. Depending on your personality and drive, you have opportunities to discover what motivates you and create your own sense of purpose on the job.

Meaning, purpose and passion are often hidden in the little tasks and events that make up each day. It’s up to us to pay attention, find our focus and spend our time on what matters most.

Here Is What I Have For You:
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This is partly due to a psychological phenomenon known as Social Proof.  It’s whereby people follow the lead of the people they associate with if they’re unsure about something.  If you’re unsure whether you should be going out tonight because you have an early start tomorrow, but your friend does too and is already lining up the vodka shots, Social Proof might explain why you turn up late tomorrow.  It’s important, then, to choose the people whom we associate with carefully. 

You have to know what you want before you know whom to choose as friends, however.  Therefore, it is important to develop your own set of strongly developed personal values and attitudes.  Values are your own beliefs about what really matters in life.  Examples of values include ‘Abundance’, ‘Learning’, ‘Knowledge’ and ‘Teamwork’.  There are many lists on the internet that detail a wide range of values.  You might wish to scan one, and make a list of your personal top 10 most important values. 

Once you have identified your most important values, you should find, ideally, that your values guide your behaviour.  So, a person who values ‘Family’ should be attempting to maintain good relationships with their family members and should make an effort to spend time with them.  If you find that there’s a gap between your values and your behaviour, it may be time to re-assess your behaviour.  Given that we know friends influence our behaviour, it may also be time to re-assess your friendships.

This doesn’t have to mean we dismiss all our current friendships.  It may just mean broadening our social horizons, to include other friendships that are more in line with our personal values.  Someone who values ‘Creativity’, for instance, should seek to surround him- or herself with other people who also value being creative.  This will likely mean people who like to talk about art, who are imaginative and innovative, and who inspire you.  You can find these people through joining relevant clubs and associations, through internet forums and just by keeping an eye out for them.

Though there is some evidence that our choice of friends is influenced by our genetic make-up, it is certainly not impossible to consciously seek out people who will help us to grow into the people we most want to be.

So much energy is wasted on being attached to so many things in life.

The Law of Least Resistance means to do less and accomplish more. The power of water and electricity follow this law and so can we.

Acceptance = Accept things today as they occur.

Responsibility = Take responsibility for who and what you are. Don’t blame others or yourself. This will allow yourself to have a more creative response to situations and events in your life.

Defenselessness = Give up the deep need to be right all the time. Relinquish the need to argue your point and to convince others that they should see it all your way.

These three things will create more energy in your life! Apply the Law of Least Effort and notice the difference.

Till Next Time!

Lynn Lane