You are four months in to your new life abroad; If you have children then perhaps the first part of the day is filled with the frenetic activity of school preparation; lost homework, packed lunches, the mad dash to beat the traffic (yes I share these daily challenges!) . Finally, children installed at school, parthers departed for the office (if they’re home at all!), you breath an initial sigh of relief, chaos over for another day and now some peace…..

But instead of peace and contentment all you hear is silence….

Something that seemed a luxury and benefit of relocation in the early days has now turned into an empty void, and a nagging more worrisome thought hovers on the borders of your consciousness…

“What will I do today… and every day from now on?”

Of course there are options – many options, but what seemed like a privilege; time in which to do what you want, time to focus on the home and needs of the family, time to immerse yourself in a new culture and language, begins to feel inadequate and you start to question … what now?

You so want to feel involved and fully engaged in the new life, but the truth is you feel a bit part actor in someone else’s show.

Jo Parfitt’s novel “Sunshine Soup” portrays a new expatriate partner in Dubai wrestling with this very issue and many respondents to our survey, Career Choice and the Accompanying Partner described this dilemma.

We wanted to know, do accompanying partners really want to work whilst living abroad? The results were enlightening.

What people told us about their experience and perspective on career whilst living abroad.

We found that whilst 78% of our participants wanted to work, only 44% were actually working in some capacity (full time employment 16%, self-employed and part-time employed 28%).

When asked to rate their level of assignment fulfillment, the majority, 53% said that they were fulfilled or very fulfilled by the assignment experience. An encouraging response until you consider the converse which is that 47% rated themselves as either neutral, unfulfilled or very unfulfilled by their assignment experience.

This quote demonstrates one partners attitude to the assignment experience:

 “the meeting of new culture, people, country … etc. It broadens a person’s horizon. While I indicated that am fulfilled I am relatively new to this situation and do know that in a short time I will need something more fulfilling

Interestingly when we looked at the difference in level of assignment fulfillment between the working and non-working participants we found that 68% of those that were working were either fulfilled or very fulfilled versus 42% of the non-working participants. Of those that rated their level of fulfillment as neutral 63% were not working, and of those rating themselves as unfulfilled or very unfulfilled 79% were not working.

Why is Employment important to so many Accompanying Partners?:

That employment is an important issue when relocating employees who have partners with careers (dual career couples) is not a finding unique to this piece of research. What our research highlighted however was the issue of assignment fulfillment and its possible relationship to employment status.

In what ways could employment contribute to assignment fulfillment?

One answer is that employment satisfies our need to make a contribution. Prior to relocation it’s likely that the accompanying partner is making a contribution in many ways, in their careers, in their immediate and family circles, within their social and community groups.

Relocation breaks many of these methods of contribution. The immediate family becomes the focal point of many accompanying partners’ lives in the initial weeks and months of their new lives abroad – justifiably so.

Over time this can lead to a sense of loss, where once partners were deeply involved in a number of influencing and contributory roles, these roles have diminished. Confusion about personal identity can start to form; I’m now just Mum, wife, partner and no longer “me”.

Employment then becomes one way of finding another role that answers the need to contribute. The form that the contribution can make will depend on what it is important to the individual.

And this is a point and distinction that was clearly made by participants to our survey. Some did not feel a need to work (22% were not looking for work at the time of the survey). They asked themselves the same questions about contribution and found that they could answer it through non-work roles (paid work that is).

For some the role of Accompanying Partner was sufficient. They appreciated the valuable contribution that they made to their family; supporting children in their new school environments and partners in their new roles. Others found value in voluntary work, supporting their children’s schools, or local communities.

“Assignment fulfillment” can come from many sources and the value placed on each source will vary from partner to partner. Perhaps the crux of the matter for partners is the need to find purpose and meaning in what they do, to be able to answer the question:

“Am I making a difference in some way, am I making a contribution to something I value?”

Making a contribution in some form is perhaps an important distinguisher between those who have a sense of fulfillment and those who report that they feel neutral or unfulfilled by their assignment experience. If you are an accompanying who dreads those silent moments, ask yourself

• What roles are important to me in my life?
• Where do I make a contribution that matters to me?
• Where can I make a contribution that matters to me?
• Where do I forget to recognise and acknowledge the contributions I make?
• What type of contributions do I need to make in order for me to feel fulfilled? 

There are no right or wrong answers to the accompanying partner career debate – we are all different. Understanding our motivations to act and derive the fulfillment that will give our lives meaning and purpose is a great start poing when considering the whole issue of life satisfaction and fulfillment, whether we are at home or abroad.

We have produced a Free Summary Report of the Survey “Career Choice and the Accompanying Partner”. You can download it for Free by clicking HERE.

Relocating away from our normal social circle of family and friends certainly tests our relationship skills; we need to maintain, nurture and create relationships at home and abroad.

In this blog I reflect on relocation and its impact on the following relationships:

• The family we leave behind.                                                                                            
• The family we take with us.
• The friends we leave and the friends we make whilst living abroad.

The Family we leave behind:

Expatriation, without doubt produces mixed reactions and emotions within families and their reactions can be puzzling.

At the extremes people will either appear not to care at all OR care so much that they threaten to head into a long term decline as a result of our departure. As much as they may wish to support us in our decision there is often sadness at “losing us. As we say goodbye we may all experience a sense of grief as we recognize that the nature of our relationships will be changed   by our new circumstances.

Dealing with our family’s emotions as well as our own can seem overwhelming, but it is always helpful to look for the positives in the new arrangement.

I have found that although I see my family more infrequently, I now see them more intensely. They come to visit or we visit them and stay for much longer (which can be both good and bad!). Their visits to us enable them to get a great insight into our lives; day to day, and to develop a deeper relationship with our children.  Technology today means that it is now so much easier to stay in touch, my problem is not finding a way to stay in touch but finding the time to do so, something I realise I need to work on.

The Family we take with us:

Our Partners:

Some say expatriation can make or break a relationship, and stories abound about relationships that break down as the pressures of expat life build up. It seems that strong relationships generally survive and thrive abroad, however those with cracks can splinter as partners find that the new life abroad (opportunities and experiences) causes conflict within the relationship.

There is no doubt that the whole relocation process, the long work days, travel and adaptation challenges can put a huge pressure on the relationship.

Taking time out to spend exploring together as a partner or a family can be a relationship saver, as can planning “us” time away from the stresses of early days expat adjustment. Keeping the lines of honest communication open, though painful at times can make all the difference, preventing resentment from building and infiltrating the relationship.

Our Children:

The transition and adaptation involved in relocation can be simultaneously an exciting and a sad and upsetting experience for children. Leaving the security of family and friends can seem a huge wrench especially for teenagers.

For young children, the parents love and attitude will often influence the child’s reaction to relocation. Love from, and the presence of, the most important people in the young child’s life is often enough to see them through the transition, bumps and all.

For older children parents need to steal themselves for a potentially bumpy ride. The parent/child relationship can seem totally one-sided. Reactions to relocation can vary from “hurray – the best ever” to “the end of the world” and even oscillate between the two extremes all within the space of a few hours. Sympathy, a good listening ear and a tough skin will enable most parents to ride the stormy waters. This is the time for the parent to demonstrate their genuine and unquestioning love and support for their upset and sometimes grieving son or daughter.

The Friendship Cycle:

I remember an expat friend once saying as a group of us were sitting around a table having dinner together:

“it’s amazing how circumstance has brought us together, we are all so different and in normal walks of life would probably not have become friends, but because we are in this unique geographical situation and because of our children we have all become valued friends”

And this is the nature of expatriate friendships. Isolation, newness, distance from our normal support structures pushes a group of “people” together. These people for a time share an intense life. Together we support each other through life’s events, ones that if we were at home would have been reserved for family or life-long friends only. We laugh and cry together and then we invariably have to say goodbye. Some friendships survive and last the distance and separation, many do not.

Those that last the distance, those that either support us from home as we live abroad, or continue as friends as we or they move on are what Artistotle called “friendships of virtue”. We each wish the best for the other regardless of what we will gain from the relationship. If one of us has to do the running for a while it is not a problem, we do so for them, for the support we can offer them. These are true long lasting friendships.

But even so this makes me feel a little uncomfortable. There have been many other people,  friends who had we remained in the same location would probably have become what I call my “forever friends”. This really, for me is the unique aspect of expartiate relationships. We share for a time such close links and experiences that by rights these friends should be a part of our lives forever, but circumstance and sheer geographical challenge means that it can never be quite the same again.

By writing this I have recognized that for me relationships are one of the toughest but also the most rewarding aspect of life abroad.

 I have been reminded that it is important to consciously think about the relationships that really matter and to invest the time – time in consistent and supportive communication to family and friends back home, time in building new relationships abroad and time in nurturing those that mean the most to me right now. It is also important to learn to let go as friends move on or home, to remember the good times and look forward to the future relationships. To recognize that:

“Some come and leave fulfilling a single purpose, others, for a time or a season to teach us by sharing their experiences, and last, a select few who participate forever with relationships that endure through eternity”

Jaren L Davis.

“Our self-identity is shaken up and we may have to renegotiate or redefine that identity by integrating our new experiences and reactions into our “old self””

Elisabeth Marx, Breaking Through Culture Shock.

When I think back to my “old self” the one who lived in the UK and never expected to live abroad, I see someone who was “different but also the same” from the “me” of today. My family and friends of old still recognize me as “their Louise” and yet in some ways I feel very different.

How are you – different but the same?

Moving abroad brings new experiences and interactions and these influence how you perceive yourself and how you are perceived by others, the roles that you undertake, your belief systems and personal values. This in turn impacts on your identity, your sense of who you are.

It can feel strange, even self-indulgent to spend time asking and answering the question “Who Am I”? But there are a number of benefits:

• You see that you are the product of both internal and external influences. Some can have a positive expanding effect on your sense of self, others may not be so positive.
• Living abroad in a new culture with perhaps a different set of beliefs and values can lead you to question your own. Understanding yourself in this respect can help you to navigate your way in a new culture: What are you happy to accept, adjust and adapt to? What is non-negotiable for you?
• You can take a step back and look at yourself objectively. What is it about you that makes you proud, of you? What does not? What would you change? How would you like to evolve as a person over time?

Of course, it is not simply the expatriate experience that impacts on your identity. As well as relocating five times as an expat partner, I have had added a variety of new roles to my repertoire! Mother, student (twice), volunteer (in varying capacities), Aunt, Business Owner, Runner (Short lived!) and so on. Our roles expand, contract and change throughout life, for better and worse, and whether you incorporate relocation abroad into your life history or not, your personal identity is likely to evolve over time.

So, if you’d like to think about your personal identity, here is a guide to four areas for investigation (Suggested by Debra Bryson and Charise Hoge in their great book “A Portable Identity”). Why not take out a piece of paper, grab a cup of coffee and think about how you see yourself – using these areas and questions as your guide.

Your Internal View of Self:

Here we are talking about your beliefs, values, attitudes, personality, character, strengths, skills and aptitudes, likes and dislikes, your gender and body image.

How do you see yourself from each of these perspectives? You could ask family and friends to tell you how they see you; 

“What are my strengths and positive characteristics?”

Within the context of expatriation:

• Think about how you saw yourself from this internal perspective before relocating abroad?
• Has this changed since moving? If so what changed and in what way?

The External View, How Others See YOU!

Social identity theory suggests that an individual’s self-concept is the product of their personal identity and their social identity (Tajfel). Your social identity relates to your perception of being part of larger collective group(s).

Before relocating you were probably part of several communities; work, family, friends, general interest groups and clubs. You were also part of a cultural community in the sense of your nationality and/or regional identification.

By moving abroad you will have moved away partially or totally from these groups. For example, now in your new location you may no longer be a part of a work based community. Your new communities may be comprised of expatriates and/or local nationals.

• What do you think their perceptions are of you?
• What impact does this have on your sense of your own identity?

What Roles Do You Play?

The roles that you play in life also help to define who you are. A move abroad can mean quite an extensive change especially for the accompanying partner. When I first moved abroad my work role disappeared completely for a time. Once the euphoria of being able to sleep in every morning had worn off, I began to realize that work was a positive role for me and one I was not ready to lose.

Ask yourself “Who Am I” in the context of the roles that you have in life; partner, parent, friend, colleague and so on. Take a piece of paper for each role, write the role at the top and then ask yourself the following questions in relation to each role:

• What do I like about this role?
• What enthuses me and motivates me about it?
• What do I dislike?
• Is this a role I wish to perpetuate?

Your Relationships:

Think about your key relationships. In what way do they define you? Healthy relationships should respect and nurture our personal identity. How have these relationships been affected by your relocation?

Expat Partners Online Coffee:

Would you like to share your experience then come and join our Expat Partners Online Coffee, May 4^th , 1pm London time, where we will be talking about the impact of relocation on the personal identity of expat partners. We’d love to have you join us.

Go to Facebook and join our Facebook group Expat Partners Online Coffee. It is a closed group so you will need to ask us to join…. we will be thrilled to receive your request.

OR

go directly to the Linqto conference on Friday 4^th May at 1pm, London UK time.

https://www.linqto.com/rooms/thesmartexpatlive 

We had a brilliantly lively conversation with people joining us from all over the world.

The sense of support and encouragement from and towards everyone on the call that afternoon convinced us that we should repeat the conversation and so the idea of Expat Partners Coffee Online was born.

Ahead of our first meeting on Friday 23^rd March, I thought I would share some of the issues discussed with during that meeting in January……….

Job Search Challenges: The challenge of CV Gaps and Perceived Lack of Consistency:

Relocation means that it may be difficult to pursue one type of employment consistently or even at all. We may try different jobs, research and embark on self-employment, take on charity work or pursue further education. Listing our roles in the traditional linear way can make us look unfocused and potentially unattractive.

For some employers back in our home country, international experience can seem “out of the box” and not of much value. Amazingly employers/recruitment consultants may only value work that has been done in the home country.

SO there is a need to help people to look creatively at their skills and accomplishments. It is important to think about how it all ties in, to create a storyline that is attractive and pulls people towards you and your very valuable experience. It can be with time, determination and creativity.

How we feel about ourselves:

Relocation can at best cause us to question our identity and at worst destroy ones sense of self. Our sense of self can become tied to a list of locations rather than our personal skills and accomplishments and how we function in relation to different challenges.

Our roles as parents.

Because of the uncertainty of expatriate living we can as parents focus on our children to the exclusion of everything else. Because of the absence of normal family support structures partners can feel that if they work the whole family will suffer.

But as individuals we recognise the value and importance of having our own roles and identities that will continue once our beloved children fly the nest! The challenge then becomes how to combine our own career aspirations with those of a mobile family.

Our roles as partners:

For some partners the assigning organization can have high expectations about the role of the partner in the relocation process, believing that it is their job to arrange everything. This can have a big impact on our ability from a time perspective to pursue our own thing.

Living with uncertainty:

One person commented:

“How do you establish a serious career when you don’t even know how long you will be in one place?”

It is important to have a strong sense of purpose and commitment because you become disconnected from other aspects of life.  Tara suggested that the wonderful thing about finding ones purpose is that it is connected to “you”! Wherever you go it goes with you, your purpose and your personal brand.

A portable identity and business?

For some this is the solution but Judy pointed out that for some this is not the best solution for all. Portable careers often mean working alone, what about those who want to work in teams and groups? It can be horrendously isolating to be working from home and highly demotivating not to be surrounded by like-minded people.

One very interesting comment was this:

“For the first time in my life I can do what I want. And I have no idea what that is… I’m sure it’s the same for many out there”

Tara suggested that it is perhaps a very important juncture, what someone discovers at this point is likely to make a massive difference in their lives.

Louise added that it is an opportunity to try on different roles, to re-think where you want to spend your time.

What does contribution mean to you?

Does it mean needing to work for money, or contributing to society or your family in a different way. Perhaps relocation abroad provides a chance to challenge our beliefs about work and employment? What form does it have to take to be meaningful for us? How much is our need to have a career tied up with our belief about contribution, work ethic and what we should rather than want to be doing with our lives?

Loneliness:

One participant commented that “it is easy to fill time but not to feel fulfilled, to be experienced with experiences but alone”

The aim of the online coffee is to give partners the space to discuss these and many other issues and to help people who are feeling lonely and isolated to feel some form of connection with other like-minded people around the world.

Do come and join us: Friday 23rd March at 12pm GMT and 8am EST.

You can join directly on the day through this link HERE. Just copy and paste onto notepad and use the link on the day.

OR

And this is my favourite! drop by our Facebook Event Page and let us know that you are going to be joining us and pick up the link there.

We look forward to meeting you on Friday.

Source unknown.

The honest truth is that sometimes being the expatriate partner can be a bit of a lonely old business. Whilst generally we all recognise the positive opportunities and learning that can come from our time abroad it can also be an isolating experience at times.

• Expat friends come and go, we can be wealthy in wonderful friendships one year and suddenly bereft the next.
• It can take time to find and build new valuable friendships.
• Our families back home, as much as we may love them, and them us, often just don’t get our challenges and issues.
• Our partners, despite a will to support and understand often have a completely different set of time consuming work related challenges.

For these reasons and also, quite honestly because of the sheer enjoyment we all got from a conversation back in January (see blog post below), we have decided to launch

 “Expat Partners Coffee Online”.

If you are an expat partner, male or female, living anywhere in the world, you are warmly invited to joins us. The only requirement is that you have a computer and an active internet connection. The idea initially is to meet monthly, and use the time to discuss issues and challenges close to your hearts.

The first session will be on Friday 23^rd at 12pm GMT that’s 8am EST.

We will be using some fabulous technology Linqto, which enables us to talk to each other in turn, use video (if we choose!) and have a simultaneous written conversation as well. You can visit the Linqto site by clicking on this link and test it out or yourself.

Who are we?

We are two Expatriate Coaches, Louise Wiles (Success Abroad Coaching), living in Portugal and Evelyn (The Smart Expat), living in Belgium, joined by Judy Rickatson a Director of FIGT (Families in Global Transition) living in Canada, and Tara Agakayak from Morocco of Global Niche.net.

How to Join:

Simply click on this link to access the Linqto room at 12pm (GMT) on Friday 23^rd of March.

But first go to our Facebook event page HERE and let us know that you will be joining us.

We look forward to meeting you there!

We had made a proactive decision to relocate, not a big move a simple hop, from Madeira Island to Lisbon Portugal, a comfortable and familiar move. So the location wasn’t the problem, it was the goodbyes that were hurting.

Casting my mind back to the first few months of our lives on Madeira I remember it wasn’t easy making new friends on such a small island with a three year old and a new baby, I felt lonely and isolated. It took time. But of course I did make friends, wonderfully supportive friendships that I knew despite our best efforts at staying in touch would never be quite the same again.

This is the irony of the international, mobile lifestyle. The initial loneliness and isolation of those first few months is often replaced by friendships of great significance and meaning. This quote from C.S Lewis says it all:

“Friendship is born that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one”.

Commonality is a basis for friendship and sharing common challenges, fears, needs and hopes for the time spent abroad means that friendships quickly form. The absence of family and home based support networks means that we all quickly become each others support network. Big festivals and celebrations are often shared together, events that it could take years to invite friends to back home; abroad, everyone is welcome and some undoubtedly will be the friends you turn to in times of need.

Perhaps the speed and intensity of these friendships is motivated by the fact that everyone understands it will not be for-ever, even for long, so make the most of the time together, enjoy, have fun and appreciate each other, positive attributes of supportive friendships that enhance the time abroad.

Then someone decides to move on!

What is the best way to say goodbye and how can friendships be sustained….. can they be sustained?

My Tips

• Accept that some friendships will survive the test of time, others will fall by the wayside, this is life! As Jaren L Davis so wisely says:
  

  “Some come and leave, fulfilling a single purpose, others, for a time or a season teach us by sharing their experiences, and last, a select few who participate forever, with relationships that endure through eternity”

• It can be tougher for those staying than those who are going. Those who are moving on have a new life and experience to look towards, those left behind simply see a space, a gap and wonder how it can be filled. So be patient with the friends who are upset by your decision, give them time to accept and come to terms with your leaving. 
• It can be tempting to simply sign out, to start looking forward and forget to engage with what still is. A natural reaction is to talk down the current location. Whilst this may help you psychologically it is tough and unfair on those staying behind. Talking from experience, please don’t!
• Think about how you want to say goodbye. Think in terms of celebrating your friendships. Arranging small dinners will give you the chance to spend time with each friend, but if time is an issue, and often it is, a big party is a great way to acknowledge friendships and say goodbye.
• Accept that, like me, however sure you are that moving on is the right thing you will feel sad at times. Respect other family members emotions as well, give them space and a supportive environment to talk or not as they choose.
• It can be helpful to write about your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Write also write about the positive and enjoyable aspects of your friendships and time abroad.
• Remember to record all contact details, telephone, email addresses, dates of birth and even home country contact for when your friends move on too.
• Register for an online card service and turn your sadness at leaving to a positive; cards planned for future occasions – I know you have so much spare time!
• Look through photographs and select ones with special memories and give copies to friends.
• Create a face-book page – for all your friends in this one location, they all know each other, it could be a really nice service for them and a way for you to stay easily in touch.
• Think about all the people you have come into contact with, record their details and if they are on sites like Linkedin, link with them.
• Commit to a “30 minute staying in touch slot” each week or month and email/telephone your friends, add facebook comments etc.
• Ensure that everyone knows that your doors will be open for visitors, hand out new address cards (if you have them!).

Most importantly value your friendships and remember that:

“True friendship is like sound health, the true value of it is seldom known until it is lost.”

Charles Caled Cotton 

I am sure we can all relate to times in our lives when we have felt overloaded. We know we have to act fast but we have so many competing claims on our time, all seeming equally important that we don’t know where to turn. Instead we simply freeze.

Two years ago my family and I moved home twice in a period of three months, settled children into new schools and set up all the administration/bureaucratic aspects of life in our new location, the normal expat/relocation tasks. Once all of these practical aspects had been arranged I turned to focus on my business and found I couldn’t. At that point I felt totally drained and very frustrated with my lack of energy and focus. Then it dawned, I had hit my overload point. What surprised me was that it hadn’t occurred at the physical point of moving or at what I would have naturally thought to be the most stressful moments, it came later and from left field and for that reason completely floored me.

Overwhelm can be experienced in an emotional, mental, physical way, or combination of all three. It can rear its ugly little head at any point. We can suddenly find ourselves in a depressed or distressed state. We can feel mentally locked, knowing we need to think clearly but not being able to see a clear path through, or we may experience physical symptoms such as insomnia, exhaustion, illness or cravings for comfort foods or alcohol.

As I talked to Leah seven weeks before she left Shanghai it became clear that she too was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of repatriation. Leah described herself as being at the center of a wheel surrounded by spikes that were all coming off in quick succession.

In the repatriation process there is so much to organize from a practical perspective, tying up all the aspects of life in one location, packing and shipping possessions and making arrangements for loved ones and pets. Those “to do” lists seem to self-multiply, one task so often leads to three more.

But it is not simply about tasks and getting things done, there is an emotional element to overwhelm and in repatriation this can be a toughie! As well as feeling sadness at leaving a life, friends and colleagues behind we may also have a sense of fear, anxiety, confusion or stress about what is going on or is about to happen in our lives.

• Fear that things will have changed back home so much that they can no longer fit.
• Stress about finding or fitting into new work role “back home”.
• Perhaps the biggest fear is anxiety about the actual decision: “are we making the right decision and how can we be sure?”

There can also be a lot of confusion about how we feel; excited and relieved to have made the decision one moment and sad for what we are leaving behind the next, alternately empowered by the decision in one moment and terrified by it a few hours later.

Another outcome of overwhelm is a lack of motivation to do anything. We know we have lots to do but find ourselves with little enthusiasm for those tasks, after all sorting and packing up our things can be a bit like a long trip down memory lane, happiness tinged with the sadness of goodbyes, or the sense that mistakes have been made, that life could have been different – if only….!

For some people, and Leah also talked about this, we may turn away from our normal healthy habits of self-care and even sabotage ourselves. Leah talked about her need to eat sugary and starchy foods when normally she is a healthy eater. She also found that she was reaching for more wine and beer than she normally would.

So at these points in the relocation process, how do we get ourselves back on a positive track?

Admit that you are feeling overwhelmed. When we feel overwhelmed we can feel that we are failing, not up to the task, disappointing. We are tempted to keep struggling on and on, trying to catch up, re-gain control.

STOP, reflect on how you are feeling and recognize the overwhelm.

Imagine how you would like to be feeling? Instead of reeling under the weight of your ‘to-do’ list ask yourself:

“ If I woke up tomorrow and everything was sorted what would it look and feel like?” Imagine how it would be to feel organized, in control, happy and calm?

FOCUS – The reality is that in a global life where change is frequent, focus is often lost in terms of personal life and careers. Life can feel as though it is spiraling out of control. It is important to have clear priorities. There are times when you just have to be let go of some things. Be honest about your capabilities given all that you have to do and select what can simply be “let go”.

Understand your Goals and Objectives for your Repatriation. Think about each area of your life that is important and be clear about what you hope to achieve in each area. Create a vision board of all the things you hope to do and achieve once you return to your home country.

Identify your personal values: what is important to you? How will repatriation help you to honour those values? Being able to answer this will mean that you can remind yourself why you have made the choice to go home.

Then focus on the HERE and NOW. What needs to be done? Make a list and prioritize. Then depending on the type of person you are and how you are feeling, either start with an easy task to build confidence OR get stuck right in with a toughy knowing that when it is completed you will feel A1.

However you feel, remember that you absolutely can do something about it. But better still, having read this article plan to avoid overwhelm in the future. Be clear about your reasons for repatriation, see the opportunity and the positive aspects of your relocation and plan and prepare well in advance. When you feel emotional at the thought of leaving, give yourself time and space to reflect and work through your feelings. And remember:

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasls, and then starting on the first one.”

Mark Twain.

The repatriation experience in Leah’s words:

Repatriation matters. Reverse culture shock is a shock because we don’t expect it – we’re going home right? That’s partly true. We’re moving to the country where we were born or last lived or consider ‘home’. But we’re not moving back to the same circumstances which we left. You’ve changed, I’ve changed, others have changed and that’s the unexpected shocker. There are strategies to smooth the transition and manage the ups and downs. Coaching with a professional and experienced coach helps identify those strategies and structures that enable you to repatriate successfully.

Leah’s decision to return to the UK was born out of many factors and as she worked through her decision making process and began the process of packing up so she recorded her experience through her blog, which makes for great entertaining and insightful reading. (Leah also has a blog series about repatriation in the Shanghai Talk Magazine.)

Part of Leah’s coaching agreement with me was that I would also blog – about my experience of coaching her! Not so much recording the intricate details of her personal experience but more the broad themes that materialised from our discussions. My blogs are a series of reflections, insights and ideas about the repatriation experience, insights and ideas from a coaching perspective that I hope will be of help to many others as they too repatriate home.

Leah is a fully qualified coach herself and was therefore aware of the support that a coaching relationship could provide.

An Overview of Our Agreed Method of Working Together:

As a coach my role is support my clients to find their way and create the future that they desire. I encourage clients to develop their personal awareness and understanding of their values, purpose and personal agency. My commitment to Leah is to support her as she creates her life “back home”. I encourage her to look towards the future and work to identify what she wants to be, have and achieve in life and to then identify how she can best work towards achieving those goals in a personally authentic manner, all the while enjoying a happy and fulfilled life along the way – of course! 

The basic elements of our coaching relationship are:

• To hold regular telephone coaching sessions with Leah. Face to face meetings are not possible. Instead we communicate through skype telephone calls, email and an online coaching platform where Leah can access coaching questions and respond inbetween our regular coaching sessions.
• Work from a model of coaching which is client-centred. Leah chooses the subject of each coaching session and I follow that lead. Leah identifies and with my support crafts a goal for each coaching session and we then work towards creating an action orientated outcome that will move her forward in a positive, constructive and solution focused way.
• Offer advice and support when invited to do so. As a coach who works with expatriates and who is also an expatriate and one time repatriate, I am able to offer insights and suggest possible ways forward. I offer these to Leah and she chooses how to use them.
• I challenge Leah to be her best self: Human nature means that we often prefer to take the easy route. We duck out of challenging situations often due to fear of failure. This is a sentiment that is rarely linked to reality. The truth is that when an opportunity presents itself we are usually ready and able to step into it – if only we would believe and trust in ourselves. My role is to spot when Leah is holding back and challenge her to step up and out, to borrow a famous book title – “To Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” (Dr Susan Jeffers).
• Write blog posts after our coaching sessions from my perspective as the coach. As I listen to Leah and think about her experiences so ideas and insights surface and I share these in my blogs. I also share suggestions of approach which may be helpful to Leah and any other person who is in the process of moving home.
• Respect the confidential nature of our conversations. Leah reveals much about herself and her personal perspectives in her blog. I link to these experiences in my blog as she has made them public. All the blog posts that I write are read and pre-agreed with Leah. In this way I protect the parts of our relationship and discussions that she wishes to keep confidential. Client confidentiality is a fundamental element of any coaching relationship and one that I am rigorous in protecting with all my clients. It is important as a coach to say that Leah initiated this relationship with me and invited me to create the blogs.

So, I invite you to follow Leah’s story. Read Leah’ blogs and then link back to my responses OR Start by reading these blogs which link you to the relevant blog posts from Leah. Please share your reactions, comments and personal repatriation experiences below.

But now having mentioned the word – that thought moves me swiftly on to the subject of “THE Holiday Period”… yes it’s looming, how can I miss it given the carols and nativity preparations that are going on in my house… very sweet as I am reminded how lucky I am to be able to share in their enthusiasm and excitement for this time of year.

But there is a downside because just as I am enjoying the warm and snug feeling that these carols create a wave of anxiety passes over me – something I recognize as the start of my annual Christmas panic.

Thoughts such as:

• Are we really here/there already?
• There is still so much I want to do in 2011?
• Must get the lists written, the cards ordered, the presents bought, the food sorted, the flights booked.

Time to get my act together and be SUPER organized this year. 2010 was a real last minute panic and I am determined that I WILL NOT be panic shopping on Christmas Eve EVER again… I still have nightmares about how it could have ended, no how it did end, a few presents did not get purchased, I was mortified!

So – deep breath and CALM … visualize beautifully decorated tree, tidy, clean festive house smelling seductively of Christmas (mulled wine), filled with visitors chuckling delightedly whilst nibbling daintily on beautifully prepared canapés, perfectly iced cake and children  in beautiful Christmas dresses, giggling excitedly…..!?!

What makes Christmas such a panic for me is the fact that we always go back to the UK for Christmas. Any suggestion to do otherwise is met by screams of indignation from my daughters: Christmas means the wet, drab old UK and there can be no debate! Of course the weather is irrelevant to them, they want grandparents and cousins and it is lovely that they do.

But it is this very fact – that Christmas is there and not here, that lulls me into a false sense of security. Mentally for me, Christmas begins when I step onto that plane and not a moment before. All preparation and shopping can wait and will be done in the UK, no point in lugging it all over there in suitcases. All fine in principle but …..

I remember two Christmases ago ordering Christmas from Amazon, rather like the year that Margot in the Good Life (1970’s UK sitcom – yes I am that old!) ordered Christmas in a hamper from Harrods, nothing arrived and Christmas had to be canceled. In 2009, due to snow neither did many of my gifts… I remember my poor mum did particularly badly that year.

The other issue is the demand for our time. Now I love my friends and family, but trying to fit everyone for their desired date, period of time is a bit of a logistical nightmare. Packing and unpacking as we visit people in all directions and then hosting others when they visit us makes Christmas an exhausting and at times fraught affair.

So what’s to be done?

I think a Christmas pledge and plan for a peaceful, calm and enjoyable yuletide ride!

START NOW!

• Buy Christmas cards … and sorry I know this falls down on the environmental front BUT I Love to receive Christmas cards from friends and relatives, “copy all email cards” just don’t do it for me whereas a scribbled few words in pen and a tatty photo make me feel some connection with friends and family at least once a year. My pledge this year, buy cards, include photos and send by the second week of December, friends will be impressed!
• Write the dreaded present LIST and get online NOW. Order and so be sure that the presents will arrive in time for Santa, snow or no snow.
• Draw up a timetable. Sit down with my family and plan our time in the UK. Sounds wrong to plan a holiday to this level of detail… well to me at least BUT it will reap its rewards.
• Prioritize (that always feels good as though somehow I am in control) and then start to allocate time to each event/visit (cringe that sounds more like a work schedule than a holiday).
• Build in some US time… you know a few nights in which to just relax in front of the Christmas TV.
• Plan my work days – the beauty of being self-employed is the flexibility, the downside the fact that my family all think that I am constantly available. So assert myself and my working requirements this holiday.
• Make sure I get time to RUN…and not just to the shops.
• Write our list of things to pack TO include winter wear that we do not possess and need to purchase, preferably before the manic trip to the airport. Try to squeeze it all into fewer bags so my husband doesn’t replay his usual “why can we never travel with less than eight bags lecture”.
• Pack my Whistle because organization like this needs a master and yep you’ve guessed it, it will be me!
• Remember to discuss what other family members expect? Who do they want to see and what do they want to do. I’m conscious of my poor husband who looks rather like a startled rabbit at this time of year.

Note to Self: Remember Christmas is about the people, not the presents or the beautifully decorated house or the perfect food or the perfect clothes. It is about enjoying time with those I love and recognizing how lucky I am to be able to do so.
So all planned!?

I’ll let you know how it goes!
How about you, what will Christmas/The Holiday Season bring for you?

For many partners there is also the open ended and often unanswered question:

What about me and my career?

My reactions to our relocation opportunities over the years have been mixed:

Madrid Spain, 1997 – No you go alone, we’ll commute at weekends, my career is also important – held out for one year and then succumbed to the attraction of Madrid and of course my husband!

Lisbon, Portugal, 1999 – Great, a location by the sea! A wonderful environment in which to pursue my post graduate studies.

Possible move back to the UK 2000 – HORROR! The weather and we’d only just got the new curtains up! We stayed in Lisbon.

UK, 2002 – Now pregnant not so horrified, family support was welcome and I intended returning to my career in the UK.

Dallas, USA, 2004 – Not keen, distance from supportive family and work permit would be a battle, how would I fill my time? We stayed home. Still feel guilty about the impact that decision had on my husband’s career.

Madeira, Portugal, 2005 – Better, closer, pretty, career a challenge but I had a business idea which could be run online.

Lisbon, Portugal, 2010 – Good, time for a move, broaden our horizons, bad timing from an economic perspective…!

I’m sure that I am not alone in these varied responses, it really can be very difficult to balance both partner’ career options and family priorities. Certainly one theme running through ALL our relocation discussions over the years has been how we balance our dual career aspirations.

After pursuing a number of different career and study options I found a solution and set up my coaching business which I am now developing  as an online business. My aim is to create a portable business that is flexible and negates the need to trade-off my career versus my husbands.

For me, career has always been important and as I read The Permits Foundation Report of 2008, I realised that I was not alone in valuing my career as an accompanying partner. Three thousand partners participated in this survey and although 90% worked prior to relocation only 35% were working in their host location.

Time for a career break, a chance to enjoy a bit of “me time”? Well for some yes, but 75% of the non-working partners reported that if they could they would love to pick up their careers abroad.

If these partners are not working, but would like to be doing so, what impact is this having on their sense of fulfilment and life satisfaction abroad? What are the obstacles to finding employment? What impact does this have on their adaptation to their new life abroad, their willingness to stay for the agreed contract term, to renew or to take on further assignments?

These are all questions that I, Louise Wiles (Success Abroad Coaching) and Evelyn Simpson (The Smart Expat) are keen to investigate. The survey, Career Choices and the Accompanying Partner will help us to understand the partner’s perspective in relation to career and life fulfilment abroad.

If you are currently living abroad as an accompanying partner, either working or not working we would really appreciate your support in completing this anonymous survey.

Simply click on this link and you will be taken to the survey. It will take you no more than 15 minutes to complete. If you would like to receive a summary of the final report due to be published in Spring 2012 then please click Done on the thank-you page. You will be taken to a new page where you can leave your name and email address. We will then send the report to you and also enter you into the prize draw.

If you are able to forward this article and link on to other accompanying partners we would be very grateful. The greater the number of participants the more reliable and representative the results will be.

Thank you for your help.

Here is the LINK to the Survey again.

Link to the Permits Foundation Report 2008 is HERE.