Submissive Guide

What is a Collar?

lunaKM — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:00:25 +0000

This post is part of an effort to provide a glossary for novice submissives of words commonly seen across this site and in the BDSM community.

Considered by some to be the greatest symbol of their surrender, a collar is the outward symbol of their status as someone’s property.

Collars are worn to denote submissiveness or slavery to a particular Master/Mistress. A collared submissive is viewed as the property of that Dominant and any interaction with the submissive must be approved by the Dominant who owns the collar. A collar given solely for a purpose of play is used to help the submissive in achieving the head space necessary for an SM session.

Collars do not have to be worn around the neck. They can be any physical symbol the Dominant and submissive agree to, from brands, tattoos, rings, bracelets and more. Many relationships have no outward symbol even though they consider themselves collared. It is a personal preference whether a symbol will be worn or not.

Posts on Submissive Guide About Collars

This Collar, That Collar, Your Collar, My Collar
Collars (video)
Research Page: Collaring and Ceremonies
Chat Night Transcript for Collars and Collaring Ceremonies Chat
Where to Buy a Collar Online
When He Removes the Collar: 3 R’s to Get You Back On Your Feet
The Return of a Collar by Laney

Copyright 2009-2012 Submissive Guide. This Feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this material in your news aggregator, the site you are looking at is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact lunakm@submissiveguide.com so I can take legal action immediately.

Fake It Till You Make It

lunaKM — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 15:00:59 +0000

I was doing some reading the other day and came across the following in a book about submission,

An old tool for self-improvement is to “act as if.” Decide what you would like others to see when they look at you and “act as if” they do. As long as your vision does not violate the laws of physics, in time you will become what you have envisioned yourself to be. (slavette, The Path of Service)

It rung true to me, but under a different phrase, one that I had heard since I was a child. You need to “fake it until you make it.” Essentially I learned that this phrase was a way to make personal changes and develop better personal growth.

It’s also a way to disguise your true feelings about something – which is a way I’ve used it with limited success. If I’m unhappy about something, I can fake being happy until that negative feeling goes away and I’m truly happy. It can work for a lot of things, honestly. If you’ve read my blog at all in the past 7 years that I’ve maintained it, you will know that I struggle with learning to enjoy blow jobs. For a time I had to employ this very “act as if” method to get through it. I acted as if it was the best thing at the time and that I was really enjoying it. After awhile I started to believe myself.

I don’t have to “act as if” anymore I have retrained my brain to enjoy giving blow jobs. Take a moment and think of something you’d like to retain yourself to do or enjoy. Can acting as if it’s already true work for you?

I humbly apologize…

lunaKM — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:38:31 +0000

… to anyone who attended last night’s chat night and did not find me there. The date completely slipped my mind and I wasted the evening away playing video games. I do hope you will forgive this slip up and continue to return in 2 weeks for the next chat. I will have to reschedule the topic for a future meeting.

I’m so sorry folks.

–lunaKM

No Related Posts

What’s In a Name?

thisgirl — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:00:52 +0000

Over the years I have had quite a few online names and aliases. Some have stayed with me, some haven’t. Some should never have existed in the first place because they were just *bad*

Choosing a scene name is one thing if it is only ever going to be used online, but it takes a bit more thinking about if you are going to refer to yourself as it in real life as well or use it as an introduction point at a munch or something like ‘I’m ********* on FetLife’

When I first discovered BDSM it was online in adult chatrooms talking to people who I never thought I would meet. Therefore, given I was new and well, to be honest, wanting to get my rocks off a little bit I used very explicit and descriptive names like ‘tortureslut4use’ and things like that. I actually do cringe to think that was me once. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! I did end up meeting my first dom using a descriptive yahoo handle, and yes with hindsight I’m not sure that was a good thing.

From that experience, I’m not sure descriptive names are necessarily the best. They work for some people but I think there needs to be a bit of subtlety – mine weren’t.

So, other ideas for choosing a name :-

Using a name that gives you a special memory

A few years ago when I had the opportunity to be a spanking model I had to pick a first name and surname for my character. I picked the name Ellie Roberts. Ellie being the name of the first girl I kissed and Roberts being after one of my favourite actresses. When I was little when I role-played I often picked the names of my cousins who were older (and who I therefore wanted to be!) or the names of characters in tv shows I liked.

Using the name of a fictional character

I have always liked reading a lot and movies and theatre, there are plenty of names to choose from in the media – whether it be because you just like the name or the aspects of the character reflect something you feel about yourself or your submission. For example I quite like Phedre from the Jacqueline Carey novels I’ve been reading, or Evey from V for Vendetta.

Using a name from myth and legend

A lot of people on the scene do this. There are so many gods and goddesses and other characters to choose from.

Use other languages

Perhaps translate a word that means something to you or your dom into another language – I know some people have used Ancilla – which is latin for slave. Google translator is great for playing around with ideas.

Use your hobbies and interests

I did some research about other ways of choosing names and another suggestion that came up was to use words from your hobbies and pastimes. For example, if you like visiting a country look up the names of its birds or flowers.

Why I chose ‘this girl’

I’m not gorean or anything like that. I wanted to write something only my Dom would recognise, we’d mentioned the ‘this girl’ protocol in a casual conversation that weekend and I knew he would know it was me and that no one else would. At that point I wanted the anonymity. I still want relative anonymity but many people know who is behind the scene name in real life and across the waves as well and I’m okay with that.

Introducing yourself

There are quite a lot of people who will only ever introduce themselves as their scene name. Some people have reasons for doing this – privacy, their profession, all manner of things and so this is important to be respected. However, I have never seen any harm in introducing myself at a scene event by my real first name and then ‘on fetlife I’m thisgirlsub’ etc – if they ask for my online details. I don’t know why, I just find it more personal and less likely to appear egotistical to say my real name rather than to come across right away as a normal person that just the side that incorporates my kinky facets. Apart from anything else at events I want to meet people who I might also want to share friendship with outside kink so I don’t want to sound as though kink is all there is to me right from the first introduction when that is not the case.

Re-naming

I’ve known people as well who have been renamed by their dominants once the relationship has got serious and committed, sometimes as part of a collaring ceremony, sometimes not. It’s another idea worth considering anyway.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and other suggestions on this topic :)

No Related Posts

An Introduction to Body Service

lunaKM — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:00:33 +0000

From the Submissive Guide Newsletter 11-5-11

One of the more intimate ways that we submissives can serve our Dominants is by learning and performing grooming duties usually left to themselves to do. It’s not as unusual as you might think. Upper class men and women of history used to have body servants and grooms to help them with these tasks. In fact there are books dedicated to being this form of service professional. They are a bit antiquated but they have their use.

My Master KnyghtMare enjoys a bit of service on a more ritualistic and special basis and then he has other things that I’m in charge of caring for on a regular basis. I am his barber. I cut his hair. I also groom his genital hair as it’s more for my preference than his. He’d like me to learn massage a bit better since the carpal tunnel and my method keeps that to a minimum.

On special occasions he loves when I bathe him and dry him off. I enjoys when I moisturize his skin and take care to get every part of him. Touching his skin is worship and I get lost in it.

In this essay I’m going to share what I’ve learned about being Master’s body servant and what you can do to get started in this intimate care of your Dominant.

Bathing

We all do it. We’ve been washing ourselves since we were old enough to sit in the tub without supervision. But do we really pay attention to what it is we are doing as we run the cloth over our skin, or what soaps we use? If you were to bathe someone else, you’d want to use the best soaps and cleansers and know just how to clean each part of their body.

The next time you are in the shower, pay focused attention on how you bathe. Do you start the same way and wash in the same manner? Are you a more random washer? Do you prefer to have the water really hot so that your skin turns pink or do you like a tepid rinse? How helpful is water temperature to your bathing ritual?

After you are more aware of how you bathe, ask if you can sit in and watch your Dominant bathe. See if they do things similarly. Don’t get distracted – this is about learning not play. Figure out if they prefer a soft touch or like to scrub hard in areas. Do they prop their foot up on the side to watch their feet or do they pull them up and balance? You are watching to see how comfortable they are washing so that when you get to do it you don’t make them uncomfortable or cause them to fall.

Hair Washing

If you have ever had the hair salon wash your hair you know how luxurious it feels to have someone else wash your hair. Your hair never feels as great the next day as it did when they washed it. Using the best shampoos and conditioners applies the same as with bathing. Make sure you have the best items for the type of hair you are dealing with. You don’t want to scratch their scalp so be conscious if you have long nails or rings. Hair is fragile once it’s wet.

No one I know has the curves hair washing sinks in their home, so washing the same way may be difficult. You don’t have to have them seated and leaning back. You can do just as well with them bent over the sink or in the shower as a part of your bathing routine. The purpose here is not only clean hair but relaxation for the Dominant.

Shaving

I know that KnyghtMare wouldn’t let me near his face with a razor unless he had no use of his hands. He’s protective of his face, not that I’d do a bad job of it. He does let me near his genitals with a razor so his trust is there. Of course shaving is an art – especially when you are doing it to someone else. Straight razor shaving is also a skill that many people look into learning much like boot-blacking. It’s unique and specialized. In fact many barber shops don’t do it anymore and those that do are few and far between.

Manicures and Pedicures

I’m not sure which is more intimate really… bathing or caring for someone’s hands and feet. I’ve not had the opportunity to do this for Master, but I’m sure some day I will. I’ve had manicures and pedicures at salons and love it. It feels so nice to have smooth well cared for hands and feet.

Basic Massage

I’ve done a bit of massage for Master. He love foot massages and I feel good doing them for him. I used to do them every week before Carpal Tunnel set in. Now he rarely gets them. For me it was a way to commune with him. Sitting at his feet, rubbing oils into them is just something remarkably spiritual for me. I learned about basic massage from a book and I’m sure you can learn what you need to know from simple sources also.

There is a huge benefit for going to school for massage though, and I know he’d like me to go so that I can learn how to do massage without hurting my wrists.

Concluding this introduction, I have a lot I can still learn. I’m just scraping the surface in this area, but I’ve already found a love for it. It’s possible you can too.

Thoughts to Ponder

What grooming tasks would you like to do for your Dominant?

Do you need to do a lot of research before you find something you can volunteer to do in service of your Dominant?

Resources

How to Wash Hair without a Shampoo Sink

Manicure Tutorial

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

lunaKM — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:00:35 +0000

We got our first big snowfall for the winter yesterday. I think Mother Nature was just teasing us because it melted overnight. It’s Iowa, we are supposed to be knee-deep in snow by now. We’ve had a measly 4 inches. Anyone else uneasy about the odd winter we are all having? I don’t like it one bit!

But anyway, it’s a wonder how good I feel now that my meds (for hypothyroid) seem to be at the right level. My sex drive is coming back! I’m not sleeping all the time! I have energy to spare! Those you who understand are nodding and the rest are cheering me on… hehe.

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

The archives have over 600 articles in them. Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation

Date: February 7th, 2012
Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Anal Play

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

What began as a fantasy that you later took into action?
“Becoming the new feminine ideal requires just the right combination of insecurity, exercise, bulimia and surgery.“ – G. B. Trudeau
Do you ever view service to be an ‘invisible convenience’ to your owner?

Subscribe to Journal Prompts to get these sent to you every time they are released.

On Twitter

What you may be missing on the @subguide twitterstream. Follow @subguide to stay updated.

NCSF is proud to announce the Consent Counts project to decriminalize BDSM. Please RT. http://t.co/Wz6eboTR
New On Kink Academy: Embarrass, Humiliate, Degrade, Objectify: Degradation in Depth http://t.co/PEwRaXxt
Erotic Awakening: EA168 – Uniforms: This week, Dan & dawn interview Deus on Uniform play! Plus, a REALL… http://bit.ly/Az3jJY #podcast
BDSMReddit: Learning to Switch for my new Master and looking for advice.: I have a new Sir as of late an… http://bit.ly/wnIYRn #reddit
Mistress Ariachne’s BDSM Workshop | So you want to be a houseboy… (2003-10-31) http://t.co/gfCatwbG

Interesting FetLife Group

I admit that I am constantly on the look out for groups that are beneficial for submissives. Here is one that I’d like to share this week.

Submissive FlyBabies

About -

A group for discussing all things related to being both a submissive/slave and a FlyBaby. When another FlyBaby responded in a self-esteem thread in another group, I figured there must be a group for submissive FlyBabies, but I couldn’t find one! So here it is!

Since I keep getting questions, I guess I should put in an explanation: FLYing doesn’t directly have anything to do with D/s or kink, but rather mainly with self-esteem, cleaning, and being organized, all of which seem to be quite common themes among submissives.

It’s a lot like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy– Except free!

To learn more about FLYing, I’d suggest visiting the FLYLADY’s website: http://www.flylady.net/

Around the Web

I love reading other blogs and websites, and often bookmark their interesting posts. These are a few that top my list from the week.

Get your BDSM related blog listed in the Twitterfeed of all things BDSM @BDSMBlogs run by your very own lunaKM
Coupons to Troops – donate your expired coupons to troops who can use them on military bases for at least 6 months past expiration!

That’s it for this edition. If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to be a subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look!

–lunaKM

Research Page: Electrical Play

lunaKM — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:00:41 +0000

I’ve scoured the internet for some of the more complete resources to do with a variety of topics. Today’s topic is Electrical play. In this form of play practitioners use violet wands, tens units and other more scary electrical devices in their play to deliver shock to the scene.Websites and Articles

A Brief Introduction of Electrical Play and Toys
The Difference Between Violet Wands and Tens Units
The Queer Kink Guide to Electrical Play
Electrical Play
Violet Wand Essays (1-5) by Norische
e-Stimulation and Electrosex
Violet Wand Techniques
Violet Wand Blog
Electrical BDSM Guide
Electrical Play Basics: TENS Unit
Violet Wands on Peter-Masters.net

Books

The Toybag Guide to High-Tech Toys

FetLife Groups

Tens Units, Violet Wands and All Things Electric
Electrical Play
Violet Wands

Readers: Is electrical play scary to you? What do you want to know about Electrical Play?

36 BDSM and D/s Blogs You Should Check Out

lunaKM — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:00:56 +0000

Now that I’ve been busy with my own blog I thought it was time to showcase some of the blogs that I’ve come across and either read or know about. I recommend that if you visit any of these blogs that you let them know you found them through here. You might find a friend or two!

Book Review: Living M/s

lunaKM — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:00:04 +0000

It’s been awhile since I’ve reviewed a book here on Submissive Guide and this one has come recommended from readers. You want to know if this one is worth buying! Let’s get down to it.

Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves and Their Relationships* is written by Dan and Dawn Williams of The Erotic Awakening Podcast. The book is a direct and invasive look into how their relationship developed and works in an everyday world. It’s written as a compilation of essays by Dan and Dawn separately on a myriad of topics related to a power exchange relationship.

First, this book isn’t your average paperback sized book. They printed it full size 192 pages and the text is easily readable with a lot of white space before and after each essay. It’s definitely not one you can tuck in your purse or small bag easily. Not really a big deal for a lot of you.

Inside the book each essay is titled much like the posts on this blog are so that you know what you will be reading about. I can’t say it’s like chapters since the book isn’t developed in traditional chapters but rather section headings. It’s quite interesting actually the way it is organized with the voices of Dan and Dawn weighing in on M/s topics. One of my favorite quotes from the beginning of the book came from Dan:

“Some of us take a loving relationship and add a layer of power exchange to it. My slave and I took a power exchange relationship and added love to it (a small difference, you might say, but a significant one).”

I related to that quote because that’s much like what KnyghtMare and I have done only he voiced it better than I could have. I like that Dan addresses how emotions change the way the relationship works but not the basis of the power exchange. There are so many parts of this book that I have annotated and underlined my favorite parts I don’t doubt you’ll find some you enjoy also.

I loved the sections on slave qualities, responsibilities and expectations and thought the collaring and contract sections were just as informative. The authors do a wonderful job of giving you a realistic look at slavery without completely destroying some of our fantastical ideas surrounding it. M/s can be beautiful and successful; this book shows you just how much work is put into it.

Looking for the Dominant side of the equation? Dan and Dawn cover that quite well too. The sections on discipline and punishment and how the strength of and qualities of a Dominant shine in the health of the dynamic.

Seriously people, if you want to read about a real couple living as Master and slave and doing so successfully, happily and well then you definitely want to pick this one up.

Product Details

lunaKM’s Rating: 9/10
Paperback: 192 pages
Publisher: Nazca Plains (April 9, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1610981952
ISBN-13: 978-1610981958
Product Dimensions: 10 x 8 x 0.7 inches

Buy Living M/s from Amazon.com*

*Amazon links are affiliate links. Buying items, including this book from Amazon using one of my links will help support Submissive Guide

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

lunaKM — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 18:32:27 +0000

KM and I have been experiencing a sort of D/s bliss where things fall into place easily and the power exchange feels so effortless. These moments are wonderful and feed our soul to keep us going when things aren’t as easy.

It’s been another beautiful week here in Iowa, I hope you all have had a great week as well. I’ve picked up my knitting again and feel more comfort just sitting at home with the needles and yarn in my hand than I have in a great while. What do you do in the winter months to keep yourself occupied?

Now for the week in review:

This Week on Submissive Guide

This section highlights the articles posted this week on Submissive Guide and other updates to the blog, if any.

If you’d like to stay up to date with articles on Submissive Guide, please subscribe to the feed.

Dug Out from the Archives

Let’s dig into the archives and reconsider some of the older articles on Submissive Guide that you may have missed.

The archives have over 600 articles in them. Browse the categories to see what else is on the site.

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Come make friends and chit chat. Twice monthly discussions, all are welcome. Chat room is open 24/7 for conversation

Date: February 7th, 2012
Time: 8PM Central (Not in CST? Find out the time where you are!)
Topic: Anal Play

Join Chat Room Now!

Recent Journal Prompts

Submissive Journal Prompts is a thinking prompt and quote site that can help you with topics for your journal or your own thinking.

If you are masochist, how do you process pain? Are you the silent type? Screamer? Crier? Is this what is expected of you? How does your partner prefer you to process pain?
Did you know entering your relationship that it would be a Master/slave relationship, or has it evolved from a different dynamic over time?
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“The degradation which characterizes the state into which you plunge him by punishing him pleases, amuses, and delights him. Deep down he enjoys having gone so far as to deserve being treated in such a way.” – Marquis De Sade

Subscribe to Journal Prompts to get these sent to you every time they are released.

On Twitter

What you may be missing on the @subguide twitterstream. Follow @subguide to stay updated.

BDSMReddit: New Dom, mind games: (m) first time Dom here, I’ve recently gotten involved with a sub girl,… http://bit.ly/wxABgK #reddit
Eight Techniques for Maintaining Communication and Trust During a Scene
Erotic Awakening: EA167 – Transformation: This week, Sir Top takes you along the journey after a very s… http://bit.ly/Am9rUv #podcast
New On Kink Academy: Heavy Flogging with Style http://t.co/PEwRaXxt
Offline/Online BDSM Safety http://t.co/TVo8Bwa6

Interesting FetLife Group

I admit that I am constantly on the look out for groups that are beneficial for submissives. Here is one that I’d like to share this week.

Pet Palace

About -

This group is for all those into animalism. Pony Play, Puppy Play, etc. It is a place for those who love to be pets (or Love to have pets) to gather and share.

So welcome to the Pet Palace, and enjoy your stay :-)

Around the Web

I love reading other blogs and websites, and often bookmark their interesting posts. These are a few that top my list from the week.

Get your BDSM related blog listed in the Twitterfeed of all things BDSM @BDSMBlogs run by your very own lunaKM
The Rosie Archives
How to Make Your Own Delicious Lattes without an Espresso Machine (Aerobie Aeropress)
the Unexpected Box (100px avatars)

That’s it for this edition. If you have interesting bookmarks you’d like to share, email them to be a subguide@gmail.com with the subject: Interesting link and I’ll take a look!

–lunaKM

Submissive Guide

What is a Collar?

Related Posts:

Fake It Till You Make It

Related Posts:

I humbly apologize…

Related Posts:

What’s In a Name?

Using a name that gives you a special memory

Using the name of a fictional character

Using a name from myth and legend

Use other languages

Use your hobbies and interests

Why I chose ‘this girl’

Introducing yourself

Re-naming

Related Posts:

An Introduction to Body Service

Related Posts:

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

This Week on Submissive Guide

Dug Out from the Archives

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Recent Journal Prompts

On Twitter

Interesting FetLife Group

Submissive FlyBabies

Around the Web

Related Posts:

Research Page: Electrical Play

Related Posts:

36 BDSM and D/s Blogs You Should Check Out

Related Posts:

Book Review: Living M/s

Product Details

Related Posts:

lunaKM’s Weekend Reflections

This Week on Submissive Guide

Dug Out from the Archives

Next Submissive Guide Chat Night

Recent Journal Prompts

On Twitter

Interesting FetLife Group

Pet Palace

Around the Web

Related Posts: