This site has a little bit of everything. There’s even a Missionary Questionnaire!

Thanks to John for this one

I have recently moved into your area with the mission of planting a bible-believing church. I have taken it upon myself to become acquainted with other churches in the area to see if any are compatible with our rules of faith and practice and in line with our standards. To that end I hope you would not mind completing a short questionnaire so that we can determine if you are Fit for Fellowship™

Would you characterize your music program as only using old-fashioned sacred hymns or do you worship Satan? (Hymn / Satan circle one)

What percentage of time do your people spend each time in soulwinning and how do you keep them accountable to that number? _____________________________________ (be specific)

When was the last time that someone in your church got under the spout where the glory comes out? ______________ (Please list exact date and time)

Do you use any other version besides the KJV, January 1973 printed by Oxford University Press with black leather cover? _________________________________________________________ (If not, please explain why you hate Jesus).

Does any woman in your congregation ever wear pants when she thinks nobody can see her? Please explain how you have taken steps to prevent this. __________________________________________________

How many did you see gloriously saved last year? ______
How many were just plain old saved? _______
How many got baptized by immersion (regardless of how many times they did it previously)? __________
How many are currently on the mission field in some place that makes for good slide presentations? _____

Use the following space to include any details of charity, community outreach, and participation in interdenominational efforts __ (this space had better be blank).

Thanks for your time in completing these questions. If you have been judged Fit for Fellowship™ we’ll be in touch with you shortly with details of exactly when we want to use your gymnasium for our youth outings. If you are not judged Fit for Fellowship™ you’ll be hearing about yourself in my next Sunday’s sermon.

Working in The Fields Of White,

Dr. Jimmy B. Aufschneider

Because nothing says “I vigorously disagree but I respect your right to your own opinion” like singing about burning places to the ground.

Thanks to John for passing this along.

For when it came to pass that the forces of Baby-baptizers and Bible-changers and Beer-drinkers were threatening to destroy the very Church that Christ himself promised would not fail, then were published a series of writings known as The Fundamentals. And certain of leaders of the congregation who knew a golden opportunity when they saw it, seized upon the chance to use these writings to draw a line between Us and Them. And upon that line they built a Wall of Separation, and in front of the wall they dug the Moat of Standards, and then they forbade any of those within their congregation to get within spitting distance of the wall lest they be tempted to peek around and see the wonders of the world outside.

And there behind that wall the people lived for many years and had many children and even more grandchildren. There they built for themselves good solid fundamentalist churches, and perfect fundamentalist homes for their families, and fundamentalist schools and colleges for their children. They read the right books, and listened to the right music, and watched only the right movies and shows. And if they were not strictly speaking “happy” then at least they were content that they were safe.

Their leaders also were good men, strong and brave who often told them stories of the world outside the Wall of Separation and the horrors that they had seen there. And the leaders warned the people that they should never go outside the wall alone but only in groups of two or three and only such as were strong enough to go on the weekly rescue missions to save dying souls outside. For outside the wall was godlessness and debauchery and music with an unnatural anapestic beat to snare the unwary into the lust of the flesh.

To avoid these evils outside the wall the people also were given many new rules to follow each week depending on what mood their leader was in that day. They were told where they could go and what they could do there and who they could do it with. They were told what to read and what to believe and who to love and to hate. And they were told that true freedom was a thing to be feared most of all.

​And so it came to pass that after many years of isolation from all the evils of the world, that it was discovered that the leaders who so many were trusted were not at all what they had seemed. Many were the stories of their treachery and how that they had used and abused the people for their own gain and exploited the weak and preyed on the helpless. For it seemed that these men were the very monsters that they had always warned the people about and the safety behind the wall was nothing but a sham.

​​​Some of the people refused to believe these stories, of course, choosing rather to claim that the victims were all liars and that the leaders were good, godly men who could never be guilty of such sin. But there were a few souls who with heavy hearts looked at the Wall of Separation and though that it could hardly be worse to live with the evil outside the wall than remain with the evil within it. And so they left. And as they came limping with slow steps out of that guarded realm which had been their home for so many years, a wondrous and unexpected thing occurred: they found beauty and laughter and freedom such has they had never known.

And those who had fled from behind the Wall of Separation and had crossed the Moat of Standards, stood beckoning to those who still lived under the shadow of fear and the oppression of their leaders. “Come and join us!” they called. “It’s so much better out here! There is music and dancing and so many wonderful things!” But those behind the wall turned their backs on the site of this celebration as their leaders screamed even louder warnings not listen to those who were enjoying the milk and honey of the lands beyond the wall. And those behind the wall trembled with fear.

But no matter how loud the men screamed or ordered the people to ignore the things happening outside the wall, the music of that distant celebration would still be sometimes heard. And once in a while in a quiet moment or while pausing from their busy schedules, one or two would wonder if maybe there could be life beyond the supposed safety of their separation and standards. And they tried to imagine what it would be like to live a life that was unafraid.

Recipe for today’s website pick: take a whopping dose of fundyism, mix in some really bad history, sprinkle with American politics, and stir swiftly until you’ve addled the brains of everyone present.

The pages on Apologetics are particularly worth reading.

Thanks to Jeff for passing this one along.

You can view the original website here.

…and since that last post was way too serious for a Monday morning, here’s something a little lighter.

I’m not sure of the original source of this picture. If anybody knows please pass it along and I’ll give them credit

Free from the law, oh happy condition! What a blessedness, what a peace is mine to know that my standing in Christ is not about what I do but about what he has already accomplished. What joy unspeakable it is to know that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God.

And yet…

Some days when trials come and life seems nothing more than pointless pain, there is voice that whispers again the familiar lies in my ear and tells me that it is all my own fault that I suffer. “It’s because you didn’t got to church last Sunday. It’s because you didn’t tithe. It’s because you haven’t led single soul to Christ yet this year. That is why you suffer. Because you haven’t done enough. Because you are not good enough. Because you chose to stray from the old paths. That is why you are being judged.”

Even after the earthquake is over and your feet stand on solid ground there remain the spiritual aftershocks which can briefly shake again the foundations of your world. And when they come (as they inevitably will) all we can do is cling to a more sure foundation: that the Lord knoweth who are his and that He has loved them with an everlasting love. He knows what we are. He knows what we’ve done. He loves us anyway.

This present pain is not punishment. But some lessons are not easily unlearned. Some roots of doubt go deep.