Any fundamentalists pastor worth his suit must write at least one book in his lifetime. It may be a treatise on how all the other fundamentalists but him have completely misinterpreted the significance of Elijah’s leather girdle. Or perhaps it will be a clarion call for fundamentalist tie-wearers to abandon the liberal Full Windsor knot in favor of the ancient landmark of the four-in-hand. If he’s a real scholar he may even make his topic “America in Bible Prophecy: Textual Proof That America Is The Left Foot Pinky Toe of Daniel’s Statue.”

The problem, of course, is that as inspired and well-written as these volumes may be, the unenlightened marketing people at a major publishing house just don’t recognize how vital they are for the salvation of true Christianity. This leaves the pastor with no choice but to round up enough money to buy a press and start his own printing ministry.

The seasons change and many thousands of dollars are spent on equipment and a building to house it. The part-time volunteer youth pastor is shipped off to school to learn how to run the press. The entire class of 3rd graders at the Academy are pressed into service as book binders as part of their school curriculum. No cost is spared and no tither’s arm left untwisted.

At long last the project is done and the church proudly gazes upon 5,000 copies of this masterwork. They really can’t avoid gazing at them, since the books have been been stored in the fellowship hall for the last three years while the pastor tries desperately to sell more than the six copies purchased by his mother. Even the table set up at the back of this year’s Bible conference brought few sales and more than a few muttered comments from backslidden church members about “having already paid for it once.”

The heart of men has waxed cold indeed when they won’t even bother to read what the man of God writes. But never fear, next year “Gog, Magog, and You” is going on the required reading list of every student in the academy and every preacher boy in the bible college. Between that and sending a copy to all the missionaries for Christmas, it is almost time for a second edition…

As I’ve been hearing about the whole Koran-burning craziness going on down in Florida (by the way, what is it with Florida and religious crazies?) I’ve been at least thankful that for once it isn’t the Baptists giving Christianity a big black eye. Then I got the chance to read the Dove World Outreach Center’s Academy Handbook and I realized that they’re not as far off the fundy path as all that.

Rules for students include:

- The student is responsible to share the gospel with one person every day

- No eating out in restaurants (this is how we know they’re not Baptists) All students are also weighed weekly to make sure they’r reaching their “weight goals.”

- No visiting with family or receiving visits with no exceptions for weddings, funerals, or birthdays.

- Showers are to be between 5 and 7 minutes.

- No Romantic Relationships between students of the opposite sex. (Do I detect a huge loophole there?)

Draconian would seem to be an apt description. Or what the Roloff Homes would call “At least a good start…”

There’s really too much here to catalog all of it. After some special music, the pastor starts out by claiming to have gotten his message straight from God while driving down the highway reading his Bible (yes, you read that right), then there’s lionization of patriotism as the ultimate in Christian virtue, sales pitch for the pastor’s book, random congregational pledge to the flag, and then…well…it just gets fun from there.

(Yes, this is the entire sermon, I felt like editing it down would ruin the overall feel of it. Feel free to stop at whatever point you actually start to get physically ill.)

They fly it outside their church buildings:

they put it on the platform inside:

They hang it in their windows:

They hang it from the pulpit.

They drape it over their Bibles

They even place it on the cross…

(each picture links to the site from which it was taken)

There are now 500 posts on Stuff Fundies Like. I really need to get another hobby.

The morning session of the Yearly Bible Conference is finally drawing to a close after four straight hours of preaching. The starving masses in the pew who foolishly skipped breakfast to be able to sleep in until six o’clock  have long consumed their strategic reserve of cough drops and breath mints  and are now gnawing on their leather Bible covers driven mad by the savory odors  of casseroles and pie that are drifting out of the basement where lunch is being set up.

And then the pastor will say these fateful words “Bro. Jackson, will you please bless the food before we are dismissed?”

A silent scream of anguish rises from the assembly for they know that lunch time has just been delayed indefinitely.  Bro Jackson is a champion prayer warrior who never allows something so petty as the hunger of others to interfere with his divine mission of intercession. He approaches the podium. He clears his throat decisively. He begins to pray.

He prays for speaker who has just spoken that God will apply each point of his sermon to the hearts of those present. In case God has forgotten  exactly what the points were he repeats them and most of the relevant supporting material.

He prays for each one of those  not present  because of sickness by name and includes a description of their ailment, their prognosis, and their current medications.

He prays for the twenty-seven missionaries supported by the church, their countries, their children, their pets, and their latest financial needs as listed in the most recent prayer letters.

He prays for our own country, the members of Congress, the President, and the upcoming elections who he hopes will replace most of them.

He prays for for a man to whom he handed a gospel tract in 1978 and invited to church but never saw him again even though the man promised to visit the very next Sunday.

But somehow in all of this…he forgets to actually pray for the food.

By the time he concludes, lunch is cold,  people are passing out from low blood sugar, and there is only fifteen minute remaining until the start of the next service…

Every church has at least one of these men. Mark him and avoid.

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Clear as mud?

Fundamentalists believe in the doctrine of Eternal Security otherwise known as the “Once Saved, Always Saved” approach to soteriology. However, this assurance robs fundamentalists of a vital tool used by other sects for keeping people in line; namely, the ability to threaten damnation for the malefactor’s eternal soul.

Not at all deterred by this, the fundamentalist simply modifies the approach slightly and instead suggests that if a person is currently in indulging in unspeakable wickedness, worldliness, and other types of wayward wandering that it’s likely they were never actually saved to start with. One way or another, if you sin you’re gonna burn.

Here’s the process.

1. The Question
“Would any true Christian be interested in reading that book?”

“Could a person who truly has the Holy Spirit happily go to that place?”

“If a person is truly born again could they really love that worldly thing?”

2. The Feigned Concern
“I’m concerned about your walk with the Lord.”

“I’m just don’t see the kind of growth that a true believer would have.”

“I think you may be self-deceived. Did you really mean it when you prayed?”

3. The Benediction
“Has there ever been a time in your life…”

“I’m going to see about getting you some spiritual counseling.”

“I will pray for you.”

Your eternal destiny is heavy price to pay for wanting to read the latest fantasy novel or listen to the radio.

By the way, if you’re going to stay in fundyland, my advice is to learn how to cry on command when confronted with these individuals. Show remorse and let them move on to the next victim. The penitent man shall pass.

For this and other great titles such as –

“Dressing for the Lord”

“Self-Esteem: Satan’s Most Harmful Tool”

“Ancient Landmarks (Devotions for Teens and Young Adults)”

Check out plainpathpublishers.com