The fundamentalist war against Satan is as unceasing as it is uninformed. The field of conflict is so often located in such unlikely places that one has to wonder if Satan has even been told that he’s supposed to show up to fight.  Satan is evidently much like the Taliban who are known to win a strategic battle against the American way of life every time someone buys a smaller car, skips a vacation, or eats a salad. You may not even know you’re playing, but you’re losing just the same.

Allowing children to attend a secular college? The hordes of hell advance in dread array.

Canceling mid-week service? Christians tremble in fear as the fiery host drives back the faithful few.

Discontinuing your door-to-door outreach? You can almost see devil spiking the ball and doing an evil endzone dance of glee.

Gird your loins and prepare to do battle in whatever patch of lentils your pastor has chosen to defend. Maybe this time the devil will actually show up.

Fundamentalism is largely the product of American thought and as such lends itself well to the sort of rugged individualism that we so admire in this country. This picture of the Christian as a lone gunmen is so revered that fundies put “Independent” right in their name. All we need is thee and me and the KJV (and truth be told, I don’t even really need thee).

What this reclusive Christianity means is that a New Testament Bible-Believing Independent Fundamental Baptist assembly is accountable to nobody in matters of doctrinal minutiae or hair styles except their pastor, his old pastor, the president of that pastor’s college, and the staff evangelists from the regional IFB fellowship. Thankfully, the people in this accountability chain do not get involved in the oversight of things like ethical breaches and moral failure. It’s there that being Independent really pays off.

If your ideal of Christianity is a church built on a deserted island then fundyland may just be for you. “Plays well with others” doesn’t even make it onto the fundamentalist report card.

Edited to add: There are more great designs over at Blog on the Way

thanks to John for passing this one along

Hello, Candidate for Soul-winning, would you like to be my friend? You can tell by my smile that I’m the friendly sort. And why else would I be stopping by your house at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning?

“Hi, I’m here from Grace Fundamental Bible-Believing Baptist Church and wanted to know if you go to church anywhere?” I already know that you don’t.

We can’t be real friends, of course, as I perceive by your clothes that you are a sinner ripe for destruction. I can practically see the evil creeping out of your tattooed pores. I’ll bet you listen to rock music and drink beer when Christians like myself aren’t around to make you feel guilty. I’ve decided to care about you anyway.

“If you were to die today do you know where your soul would end up?” I do. Don’t pack a sweater.

No, we will definitely never hang out or have a meal together. I would never let you or your public-school indoctrinated spawn within a mile of my children. Every friendship has its limits.

“Say, we’d love to have you visit our church!” You can sit in special section reserved for those we judge. We love fresh fodder for the judgment bench.

Why do you look so annoyed? I’ve done nothing but be perfectly nice. Is anybody else enough of a friend to care as much about your soul as I do? I doubt it very much.

“Well it was really nice to meet you. Let me leave you a gospel tract as I go.” I know you won’t read it but it’s my duty. It’s what friends like me are for.