If you’re my family or friend, I know the way I worry all the time can be frustrating and exhausting. I want you to know, I feel the same. One of the worst things about my worry is how hard it is for me to talk about in the moment. Or after the moment. Or, really, just ever. I don’t like to feel different or broken. Nobody does. More than anything, I wish I didn’t feel so anxious, but I also wish that others had a better understanding of what I felt. If you love me and want to help me, there are a some things I need you to know.

1.  I worry about being worried.

One of my biggest worries is that I worry too much. Sometimes people call me “a little worrier” or ” worry wart” and I know they’re not trying to be mean, but it hurts mostly because I think it’s true. Sometimes I’m worried that no one will ever understand what I’m going through or that I’ll ever belong. It’s especially bad when I’m tired or frustrated. I worry. Then I worry about my worry.

2. Telling me to ‘relax’ isn’t really relaxing.

I know I need to learn how to relax or calm down when I get really anxious. But hearing people say, “Just relax,” or that “It’s no big deal” reminds me that I’m not doing things right. There’s a lot going on in my brain all the time: once I went to the fair and saw one of those people that spin lots of plates on poles… it feels like that. Relaxing is actually really hard for me. I know you’re not trying to do this, but to hear you make relaxing sound so simple actually makes me feel worse. When my emotions take over, there’s nothing else. All I can see are those big, overwhelming feelings. All I can see are the plates.

3. I like to know a lot about the things I don’t know a lot about.

Not knowing what comes next is one of things that makes me worry the most. This is why I ask so many questions about things that are going to happen at school, parties, and when I meet new people. I like to know as much as possible ahead of time so I can think about how I’m going to act or what I’m going to do. Sometimes I even ask really off-the-wall questions that’ll probably never happen, but it’s my way of dealing with being nervous. Please be patient with me. It means a lot when you listen and respond without getting really frustrated.

4. Sometimes I forget how awesome I am.

When I feel calm, I know I’m a good person. I know I have strengths and talents and abilities. But sometimes worry takes over my life to the point that it’s all I can see in myself. I only see my fear, how I’m different, and worst of all, I feel that others can only see those painful things, too. I forget that I’m capable. I forget that I’m loved. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I’m brave, awesome, and unique. I know I need to remind myself too. I know, which brings me to my last point.

5. I’m trying.

I really am. I’m not trying to play you. I don’t like the attention I get from my anxiety. I want to learn to control my worry. I’m trying all the time, and you can help. Let me rephrase that: I need your help. Encourage my baby steps and small victories. Support and love me when I fail. It helps me to keep trying when you remind me that some worry is normal, that you worry sometimes, too, and that the scary feelings will eventually pass. I trust you more than anyone in the world, and I know I can do this with you on my side.

Teach any child the coping skills necessary to manage stress and anxiety – learn more here.

Icebergs are deceiving because what you see on the surface is usually only a small fraction of what lies below. Observing the behavior of an anxious child is sometimes like looking at the tip of an iceberg: underlying the anxious behavior are layers of emotions and experiences. Therapists often illustrate this idea with an image like this:

While the image above can be eye-opening, there’s a huge assumption that parents can actually recognize that tip of the iceberg or look at a child’s behavior and say, “Yup, that’s anxiety.” Here’s the reality: anxious behavior in children is not uniform.

Your child might ask repetitive questions for reassurance and no matter how many times you answer, the question repeats. You might have the perfect child at school that comes home and constantly picks fights with you or siblings. You may have a child that can’t focus, motivate, or even loses sleep at night. Or maybe your child is downright angry. Anxiety, in fact, can manifest in a multitude of forms. In my work at GoZen!, I see anxiety showing up 8 different ways. This makes the iceberg look more like this:

Let’s try to understand why anxiety manifests in these ways by taking a deeper dive into each:

1. Difficulty Sleeping

Anxiety and sleep problems have a chicken and egg connection. Research has shown that anxiety can lead to sleep disorders and chronic sleep disruption can lead to anxiety. In children, having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep is one of the hallmark characteristics of anxiety. In many kids, trains of anxious thoughts keep them awake long after they should be asleep. Others have anxiety about falling asleep, thinking they will miss their alarm or be tired in the morning.

2. Anger

The link between anger and anxiety is an under-researched area, but in our work, the manifestation of anger in anxious children is clear. Here are some hypotheses as to why there is a link. Anxiety occurs when there is an overestimation of a perceived threat (e.g., a test or a party) and an underestimation of coping skills (e.g.,”I can’t handle this.”).  When our kids are chronically and excessively worried and don’t feel like they have to skills to manage the anxiety, they feel helpless. Helplessness leads to frustration which can show up as anger.

Anger and anxiety are also both activated in the threat center of your brain. When the brain perceives a threat, the amygdala (a small, almond-shaped cluster of neurons in the brain) activates the flight-or-fight response which floods your body with hormones to make you stronger and faster. This genetic wisdom protects us from threats and danger. Because anger and anxiety are both activated from the same brain region and have similar physiological patterns (rapid breathing, heart racing, pupils dilating etc.), it’s possible that when your child feels like there is a threat (e.g. going to a party), the fight or anger response is activated as a form of protection. 

Finally, one of the markers of generalized anxiety is “irritability” which is also part of the anger family.

3. Defiance

There is nothing more frustrating to a child with anxiety than feeling like their life is out of control. As a way of feeling secure and comforted, they seek to take back control, often in unexpected and peculiar ways. For example, a child already experiencing the flood of stress hormones at the prospect of going to bed, lashes out at being given an orange cup instead of a blue one. Unable to communicate what is really going on, it is easy to interpret the child’s defiance as a lack of discipline instead of an attempt to control a situation where they feel anxious and helpless.

4. Chandeliering

To borrow a term from renowned social scientist, Brené Brown, chandeliering is when a seemingly calm person suddenly flies off the handle for no reason. In reality, they have pushed hurt and anxiety so deep for so long that a seemingly innocent comment or event suddenly sends them straight through the chandelier. A child who goes from calm to a full-blown tantrum without a reason is often ill-equipped to talk about their anxiety and tries to hide it instead. After days or even weeks of appearing “normal” on the surface, these children will suddenly reach a point where they cannot hide their anxious feelings anymore and have a disproportionate reaction to something that triggers their anxiety.

5. Lack of Focus

According to the Centers for Disease Control, 6.1 million children have been diagnosed with some form of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder in the US. In the past research has suggested that ADHD and anxiety often go hand in hand. But studies have shown that children with anxiety don’t necessarily have ADHD more often. Instead, these two conditions have symptoms that overlap – a lack of focus and inattention being two of them. Children with anxiety are often so caught up in their own thoughts that they do not pay attention to what is going on around them. This is especially troublesome at school where they are expected to pay attention to a teacher for hours at a time.

6. Avoidance

As humans, we have a tendency to avoid things that are stressful or uncomfortable. These avoidance behaviors happen in two forms – doing and not doing. If you are trying to avoid getting sick, you may wash your hands repeatedly throughout the day (doing). If you are avoiding a person that makes you feel uncomfortable, you may skip a party or meeting (not doing). The only problem with avoidance is that it often snowballs. Children who are trying to avoid a particular person, place or task often end up experiencing more of whatever it is they are avoiding. If schoolwork is the source of a kid’s anxiety, they will go to great lengths to avoid it and in the process end up having to do more to make up for what they missed. They will have also spent time and energy on avoiding it in the process, making it the source of greater anxiety in the end.

7. Negativity

From a neurological standpoint, people with anxiety tend to experience negative thoughts at a much greater intensity than they do positive ones. As a result, negative thoughts tend to take hold faster and easier than positive ones, making someone with anxiety seem like a downer all of the time. Children with anxiety are especially prone to these patterns because they have not yet developed the ability to recognize a negative thought for what it is and turn it around by engaging in positive self-talk.

8. Overplanning

Overplanning and defiance go hand in hand in their root cause. Where anxiety can cause some children to try to take back control through defiant behavior, it can cause others to overplan for situations where planning is minimal or unnecessary. A child with anxiety who has been invited to a friend’s birthday party may not only plan what they will wear and what gift to take, they will ask questions about who else will be there, what they will be doing, when their parent will pick them up, what they should do if someone at the party has an allergy, who to call if they get nervous or uncomfortable, who they can talk to while they are there… Preparing for every possibility is a way a child with anxiety takes control of an uncontrollable situation.

Guest post by Lee L. Krecklow

I’m the father of three. Ten years ago, when my wife and I learned we were going to have our first child, I quickly began making arrangements to leave the career path I was on, so I could devote myself as a stay-at-home dad. Those kids have been the center of my attention ever since. I’ve been an active father, hosting regular play dates, volunteering in classrooms, coaching sports, even acting as a daycare provider for the children of others. Now that my youngest has started kindergarten, I’m trying to find new ways to stay active and involved, like substitute teaching at their school. This is easily the best, most rewarding job I’ve ever had.

It’s also the most stressful, taxing and emotionally exhausting job I’ve ever had. And with middle school and teen years on the horizon, it’s only going to get more challenging. My kids have such unique, individual, emotional needs, and my time is always limited. It’s easy to feel like I’m failing each in some way. I want to help them with their fears. I want to prepare them for the hardships they’ll encounter during their lives. I want to help them with their anxiety. And I also want to teach them to always find the beauty in life. It’s all very overwhelming.

As a member of the GoZen! team, I’ve been lucky enough to get a sneak peak at the expert interviews collected for the forthcoming event the Resilient Child Summit running online January 22-26th. Despite my years of experience, despite the research I do daily for GoZen!, I’m routinely shocked by how much I still have to learn. I’m thankful that I’m not alone in my work as a parent, and that my kids are not alone with their emotional challenges. There are voices out there offering guidance.

Here are five things I learned while previewing the Resilient Child Summit.

1. “Overparenting” contributes to childhood anxiety

Who knew I could do too much? Dr. Robin Berman explains in her interview how over-engaging, over-praising, over-stimulating, over-fixing and over-regulating our kids can cause their “emotional immune systems” to weaken. Our emotional resilience is very much like an immune system, where the more it is tested, the stronger it gets, and the more likely one is to ward off difficulties. However, our instinct as parents, myself included, is often to protect. We want to step in and diffuse arguments among our kids, when really there are times when it’s more healthy for them to work it out on their own. We want our kids to believe they are the smartest, most talented children in their schools, when really they should learn to be comfortable with themselves when they’re not. We want to rush to put a band-aid on every scrape, when really it’s time for them to learn that a little blood won’t kill them. Dr. Berman helps us understand when to allow kids cope on their own, and when it’s time to step in and help.

2. Anxious, negative thoughts can be controlled

We are the executives of our minds. We have the ability to manage our own thoughts. As Dr. Tamar Chansky asks, what thoughts do we “want to hire? What do we want to fire?” The goal for our children, and for us, should never be to eliminate anxiety. We cannot rid ourselves entirely of negative thoughts. But we can recognize anxiety for what it is: often notoriously inaccurate thinking. I love the idea of our children interviewing their thoughts, fact checking their negativity. Is it accurate for our thoughts to say, “I’ll never be able to sleep without having nightmares?” Or is, “The whole school will laugh at me when I make this speech,” a reliable suggestion? What is a more likely outcome? What is a more accurate thought? If we help our kids change their relationship with anxiety, normalize their worry, they can take control of it and learn when to listen to it and when to ignore it.

3. Self-compassion is the new self-esteem

I remember self-esteem being all the rage. Kids with high self-esteem were seen as more competent. They had higher rates of general achievement. Everyone needed to experience success in order to boost their self-esteem! But Dr. Kristin Neff points out the flaws in the high self-esteem mindset. Apparently we’ve had it all wrong! “The main problem is that having high self-esteem requires feeling special and above average.” In other words, self-esteem requires success that not everyone can achieve. Rather than allowing our kids to fall into the esteem trap of needing to be superior, we should be avoiding social comparison all together and teach self-compassion. Essentially, self-compassion is the practice of “treating yourself with the same kindness and support, care that you show to a good friend when they’re struggling.” There are three components of self-compassion. First, using kind, non-judgmental language with ourselves. In other words, showing ourselves unconditional love, no matter what. Second, recognizing our common humanity: knowing everyone suffers, makes mistakes and feels inadequate from time to time. And the third is mindfulness, taking a balanced, “present” approach to all of our needs and emotions.

4. Really, mom and dad, it’s okay to take care of yourselves

If you’re like me, you devote most of your time to taking care of the people around you, especially your children. Taking time for ourselves is often a guilt-ridden experience. We feel selfish and not present for our families. Thank goodness for Heather Chauvin, who works to enable us to take care of ourselves. And to hear her justify it in her interview … it just makes so much sense! How can we teach our children to manage their stress, their anxiety, their general well-being, if we aren’t willing to, or don’t even know how to, manage our own? She connects the dots between being present for ourselves and being present for our children. She reconciles the idea of creating boundaries in our personal lives so that you, and your children, can feel more free. She illustrates how “You have to be more proactive in your life. When you start being more proactive you’re no longer surviving, you’re thriving.” I like that thought.

5. Just talk about it

Howie Mandel. If you don’t know of Howie, I’m not sure where you’ve been for the past several decades. I remember hanging out with my cousin almost twenty-five years ago watching Howie do stand-up comedy and thinking he was the funniest man I’d ever heard. Listening to this interview, I understand the flip side of that. Howie deals with severe OCD and anxiety. In his interview, he describes an incident that took place years ago when he was a guest on the Howard Stern Show. Howie had a panic attack on the air, found himself suddenly and unwillingly exposed as someone who had mental health issues, and he thought his career had ended just like that. Until he ran into someone on the street who said to him, “Me too.” At that moment, he knew he wasn’t alone. Since then, Howie has made himself an advocate for transparency of mental health issues. He doesn’t want anyone to feel alone. Howie says, “Talking about it is the first step. And if everyone talked about it, I’m telling you this would be a better world.”

Howie is right. And that’s what GoZen! is aiming to do. Let’s talk about the mental wellness of our children. Let’s talk about the mental wellness of ourselves. Let’s share what we know with each other, using compassion and understanding and empathy.

This is just a fraction of what I took away from the interviews that compose the Resilient Child Summit. My friends, this is a free event. Consider registering and making yourself a part of the conversation. Please join us. We’d love to see you there.

Written by: Renee Jain & Lee L. Krecklow

You know the pain. You, whose daughter is nauseated, hunched over the toilet. She’s worried sick that she won’t recall each of the facts she memorized for her history test today, a subject in which she currently has an A. And you. You, too, know the pain. Your son doesn’t sleep at night, and you stand outside his door listening to him cry because of a mistake almost a week ago.

You know the frustration. You, whose daughter doesn’t swing the bat for fear that she’ll miss the ball. It’s better for her to not try than to try and fail. And you, whose son corrects everything his younger siblings say or do, trying to prove his intelligence, belittling everyone else in the process.

And you know the anger. You, whose kid did not complete his science project for school. He worked on it every night, but started over each time, because his rocket “never looked like” a rocket. And you, whose daughter makes you late for everything, because it takes so long for her to get her hair “perfect.”

Perfectionists.

What do you think of when you hear the word? Chances are it’s something negative, especially if you relate to the scenarios above. But, please know there can be healthy behaviors associated with perfectionism. It can lead to high levels of achievement, personal satisfaction, happiness and productivity. If you have a child with perfectionist tendencies, or if you’re a perfectionist yourself, those powers can be used for good.

Still, there’s no getting around the unhealthy, negative effects perfectionists often suffer: fear of failure; general anxiety; procrastination; anger; depression. These symptoms of unhealthy perfectionism can surface at very young ages, and research suggests that they become more severe with time. That makes it important for parents to have a positive influence on their children’s unhealthy tendencies at a very young age. There are things we can do to move our kids away from those unhealthy behaviors and channel their energy, their drive, into something really exciting. Here is a list of things you can start doing to help right now. Some of them might surprise you.

1. Let Them Do Their Homework Wrong

Surprised? Hear me out. There are lots of parents who check their kids’ homework for total accuracy. If they find a math problem with an incorrect solution, they send the child back to do it right. How do I know this happens? I do it myself. But I’m learning to not. Will you join me? Making homework perfect reinforces perfectionist instincts when it might not be warranted. Our intentions are good, but some teachers use homework for the students’ practice and reserve graded work for in-class exams. If you correct the practice, the teacher isn’t getting accurate feedback on the lesson, and the student can’t get professional feedback from the teacher. Still not convinced? Why not ask the teacher directly? Find out what he or she wants to see out of the homework. Then, if you feel you have an opportunity, let the kids return to class with some incorrect solutions. It’s a great way to prove to them that perfect isn’t everything. As long as they are trying, it’s the effort that counts. If you still feel you must check for accuracy, try adopting the phrase “not yet” instead of “wrong.”

2. Discuss Flawed Characters

Look for the flaws in the characters of shows, movies, or books that your child consumes. Ask he or she to identify the mistakes that characters make and what they learn from them. Want some examples? PBS’s Curious George is a perfect place to start with younger kids: that monkey can’t get through an episode without making an innocent, but often huge, mistake, and in the end, he always learns from it. Read the Harry Potter series and discuss both the flawed and perfectionist qualities of Hermione Granger (note, the books are thought to have more value in this regard than the films). And, speaking of imperfect heroes, do they get any more compelling than Anakin Skywalker? From being the galaxies most “perfect” Jedi, to one of its most flawed, then back again.

3. Stop Telling Your Kids They’re Smart

Surprised again? Here are the facts: studies show that praising kids for being smart or talented ingrains in their minds the idea that their gifts are natural, and not the result of work. This makes effort less attractive to them, and it also makes them afraid to appear anything but smart. They stop challenging themselves due to a fear of failure. “What if I don’t look smart?” Kids praised for being smart are more likely to perform simple tasks repetitively, knowing full well they’ll achieve success and continue “being perfect.” Kids praised for their effort, persistence, and methods are more likely to challenge themselves with increasingly difficult tasks, looking to demonstrate their ability to think through more difficult problems. Next time you want to tell your child that he or she is smart, tell them instead that you love their effort, and you appreciate how hard they work at solving problems.

4. Be Direct (Discreetly)

Sometimes a simple conversation can go a long way. Does your child really understand what perfectionism is? Perhaps start by defining the term along with them. Ask them what they think it means. Tell them what you think it means. Talk about situations and behaviors that might be considered healthy. Then talk about some generic situations where being a perfectionist is unhealthy. Throw in some examples from your life. This conversation will be the foundation for future conversations more directly related to your child’s behavior. Just remember tact! A perfectionist will have an especially hard time understanding that they’ve been doing something “wrong.” Be constructive and encouraging. Avoid judgment at all costs, and if the conversation takes a wrong turn one day, take a break and revisit the topic at another time, and in another way.

5. Get Them in a Yoga Loop

Yoga is endless. There is no goal to achieve, no perfection to attain. Every instance of a yoga class is referred to as a “practice,” during which the only goal is to challenge your body in that single moment. It’s practice for the sake of practice. Instructors encourage students to not compare their abilities to their neighbors’, or even to their own performance during their previous practices. The only concern is the “now,” and to focus on what the body and mind need in that single moment. That brand of mindfulness is largely absent in the minds of perfectionists, and yoga is a marvelous tool for teaching them to think otherwise. I encourage formal child yoga classes, but if that’s not an option and you already know some yoga poses, practice in your home. Just remember to emphasize the goal: effort without the possibility of perfection.

6. Do Brain-Muscle Exercises

Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychologist responsible for a swath of research in this area, developed a concept she calls “mindset.” The idea is simple: one can have either a fixed mindset, or a growth mindset. Of course there are different degrees, but the point is that the brain, like the muscles in your body, can be worked hard, grow, and get stronger. Why is this important to teach and practice? Perfectionists often have a fixed mindset. They believe their brain, their level of intelligence, is fixed, so they’re always looking to demonstrate and prove its strength. A failure means they’re not smart. However, an individual with a growth mindset understands that every failure is still great exercise, and that on their next attempt, they’ll have that much more brain-strength! Talk to your kids about the brain muscle, and find activities to give it a workout.

7. Play Games About Process, Not Winning

Yes, such games to exist! Check out board games like “Hoot Owl Hoot” or “Race to the Treasure” in which players cooperate with one another to achieve a goal, rather than compete against one another for superiority. Families might also enjoy “The Ungame,” which groups of adults might also enjoy when the kids aren’t around. Dr. Carol Dweck, who I mentioned earlier, collaborated to create an addictive video game, Refraction, to move the focus from achievement to trial and error. A current favorite video game at my house is “Minecraft” in creative mode, which allows players to build and create freely and without threat; there’s nothing permanent or highly visible about their building projects, which gives great license to experiment, fail, and repeat.

8. Make Beautiful Art … Then Throw It Away

ish is a lovely picture book by Peter H. Reynolds about a boy who learns the beauty of making perfectly imperfect art: a wonderful story for kids who just can’t seem to “get it right.” For older kids, try having them make art with the intention of throwing it away. In other words, create for the sake of the creative process, not for the sake of a “piece of art.” Don’t cheat it. Spend time on it, then let it go. Years past, I was told the best way to practice my writing was to create like a child, the idea being that young children are capable of spending hours coloring, then walking away from the work without any concern for it. They don’t treat the end product like a perfect treasure. The treasure was in their process, and their process teaches them to be more creative.

Grab a healthy perfectionist activity book for free here.

Written by: Lee L. Krecklow and Renee Jain

Parents, in increasing numbers, are concerned about their teens’ use of social media. With countless news stories, books, and articles detailing its hazards, noise on the topic can make it hard for anyone to understand what’s true and what’s not. Parents trying to understand the digital generation have their work cut out for them.

At the same time, teens by the millions have fully immersed themselves in the digital world. They have their own views on what’s happening, but they’ve never known life without social media, which makes it difficult for them to have perspective on the legitimate, research-backed concerns about its effects. Teens, like their parents, may have work to do.

Social media is here and isn’t leaving. It’s a part of our lives and the lives of our kids. 92% of teens go online daily. Of those, 52% are online several times per day, and 26% are online almost constantly. So why fight it? Is there cause for concern? Is it all alarmist hype? There are no immediate or easy answers. Every family will need to decide on their own unique approach.

However, there are so many layers to the issue, it’s hard to know where to start thinking critically about our habits and the habits of our children. As a start, here are 10 concerns about kids on social media, along with some reasons not to be worried.

1. Hangouts:

Research suggests that kids are drawn to social media environments because it’s where their friends are. When talking to teens, interviewers hear that most kids would rather be hanging out face to face, but that’s not always possible: often there is no transportation; some malls enforce restrictions on groups of teens; they’re not allowed to go out on school nights. Kids’ solution is to find friends online. It’s their place to hang out. It’s a valid tool to promote social interaction. It’s their mall. But, it’s also their house party, and for many, the parents are out of town 24/7.

2. Addiction:

Yes, it’s addicting. However, there’s debate about the reasons. There is general agreement that the rewards of social media (likes, shares, comments, messages) trigger a release of dopamine, the same pleasure-controlling chemical that is released in the body when addicted gamblers or substance abuse addicts get their fix. Being liked is addicting.

However, Danah Boyd suggests in her book “It’s Complicated” that, well, it’s complicated. She found that kids are really addicted to their friends, and that it’s more about social participation. Teens want to go where their friends are, and this is nothing new. Other researchers have documented a real fear among teens that if they don’t make social media a constant part of their social lives, they would have no social lives.

3. Fame and Fortune:

For some, Social Media is a path to celebrity. Youtube, Instagram, and Snapchat have made millions of dollars for people whose talent is collecting likes and followers. These digital celebrities earn endorsement deals, sponsorships, and jobs in television, film and radio.

Obviously, this potential for fame is attractive for teens. But for those who wish to achieve that brand of notoriety, the cost might be high. In an increasingly crowded environment, those who wish to stand out may need to push the boundaries of what they might otherwise deem morally acceptable behavior. Too often, they’re willing to do that.

4. Defining Yourself:

Growing up, my generation’s version of an online profile was a logo on a t-shirt, or the pictures hanging in our lockers at school. Now kids make statements about who they are online: their profile picture; the product brands and videos they like; the content of their posts. They, like every teenager before them, are working to forge an identity, and social media gives them highly accessible, flexible tools to do so.

But it’s also easy to get wrapped up in an online identity. What if nobody clicks like on your new profile pic? Does that mean they don’t like you? It’s often difficult to separate reality from the world of 1’s and 0’s. We are NOT our profiles.

5. Female Devaluation:

A recent study found that regularly snapping and posting selfies may lead to increased happiness. But digging deeper into the behavior unearths problems. In her book “American Girls,” Nancy Jo Sales illustrates how typical responses to selfies that girls post are words like “gorgeous,” “sexy,” or “hot.” And many girls place terrific stock in those assessments, to the degree that they quantify their own beauty based on the number of likes they earn. Their self worth becomes measureable. If one pic doesn’t gain them the response they want, they work harder at the next, sometimes spending hours each day preparing themselves for, and snapping, the perfect pic.

Furthermore, young boys, both emboldened and desensitized by social media, have increasingly fewer reservations about pressing girls to send them more sexually explicit photographs. And girls feel social pressure to comply with those requests. Such lewd behavior on the part of young males is also thought to be about self worth. Social media gives boys a path to achieving a type of alpha-male status that wasn’t previously available to them. The quest to seem powerful and dominating is as much about social pressure as being beautiful or desirable is for girls.

6. Brain Development:

Repetitive, sensory activities change the way our brains process information. Such concerns were voiced decades ago when kids began watching television in their homes, when video game systems entered the living room, and when personal walkmans were introduced. Some researchers argue that concerns over the developmental impacts of social media are nothing new–a typical, alarmist approach to technology adults don’t understand.

Others argue that screen time is at an all-time high, and it certainly forges new connections in the brain, strengthening certain pathways and severely weakening others. Dr. Frances E. Jensen in her book “The Teenage Brain” describes how teenagers’ still-developing minds are more susceptible to permanent, lasting changes.

7. Depression:

Teens, and adults, love to “tune out” and relax by scrolling social media. Many find it a relaxing escape. A way to refresh. Some might call it a happy place. In small doses it can be just that.

However, research shows a connection between time spent online and lower rates of happiness. In experiments, kids asked to spend a week away from social media had vastly greater levels of wellness and satisfaction. Furthermore, rates of depression over the last six years are up more than 50% in teens, and suicide rates among young teenage girls are up 300% in the same period of time. She argues strongly in her book that there is a connection there, as well.

8. Cyberbullying:

Like so many of these issues, social media did not lead to the invention of bullying. However, it does give cruelty, in all its forms, a larger, more easily accessible audience. It accelerates the spread of gossip and makes insults more permanent and visible. Focusing on news reports, one gets the impression that cyberspace is a den of aggression and insults.

Cyberbullying is an issue, but teenagers see it differently. According to Boyd, most of the teens she interviewed saw bullying as an adolescent act, something outgrown after middle school. They were more likely to label negative exchanges on social media using words like “drama,” “punking,” or “pranking,” terms that suggest more balanced fights, two-way aggressions, or even playful exchanges, rather than the one-sided, abusive, repetitive imbalance of power that defines bullying. Make no mistake, cruelty is cruelty, regardless of semantics, but don’t be surprised if teens fail to recognize a bullying epidemic in the same terms adults do.

9. Business:

Each social media platform is a business, and every click, share, like and post means real money to somebody. The more regularly people engage a medium, the higher that company’s value rises. Constant engagement means they can charge other businesses more for advertising. And those advertisers are eager to pay, because social media means they can market more directly (remember all those likes that define us?), and monitor reactions to their campaigns in real time. That’s great news for business owners leveraging social media to drive sales and drive our economy.

Now, consider for a moment the tech industry’s interest in keeping people, including kids, glued to their devices. They have a huge financial interest in a world getting unhealthy doses of screentime.

10. Literacy:

There’s a generally accepted notion among adults that communication via social media and texting degrades proper written communication skills. How can hyper-abbreviated words, alpha-numeric spellings, cryptic acronyms, and emoji possibly support the literacy of developing minds?

David Crystal, in his book “txting: the gr8 db8,” explores the complexities of the short-hand language of texting and instant messaging, and while acknowledging the lasting, long term impacts of its use, cites evidence that it helps rather than hurts literacy.

Do you have concerns about issues not on our list? Please leave a comment and let us know. We’d love your feedback as we prepare to deliver creative content on the topic of social media.

References;

Boyd, D. (2015). It’s Complicated: the social lives of networked teens. New Haven: Yale University Press.

Sales, N. J. (2016). American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers.  New York City: Borzoi Book published by Alfred A. Knopf

Jensen, F. E. (2015). The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults. New York City: HarperCollins.

Twenge, J. M. (2017). IGEN: why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy– and completely unprepared for adulthood (and what this means for the rest of us). New York City: Atria Books.

Crystal, D. (2008). txting: the gr8 db8. New York City: Oxford University Press.

Have an anxious child? Get tips, animations, meditations and more at www.gozen.com

It’s no secret that hearing our kids cry makes us uncomfortable. Just think about how anxious you feel when your little one tears up without an obvious reason. We know that a newborn’s main way to communicate is to cry, yet we still look at it as something to be “fixed”. Once that infant becomes a walking, talking toddler, we sometimes expect them to process emotion the way we do, rather than the way they have always done: through crying.

In fact, studies have found that our brains are hard-wired to have an instant reaction to a crying child, making us more attentive and ready to help — and fast! A crying infant triggers our fight or fight response, increasing our heart rate and pushing us into action… even if that child is not our own.

It seems we have to react to a crying toddler, but how?

Your Crying Toddler Is Not Necessarily Sad

For many toddlers, crying is not a reflection of sadness — it’s a way to process any emotion. They may cry out of anger, frustration, fear, excitement, confusion, anxiety or even happiness. The trouble is, they may also lack the verbal ability and self-awareness to explain how they’re feeling. This means asking them, “What’s wrong?” will rarely yield a productive response.

Saying “Don’t Cry!” Makes Life Harder For You

You may think that making the crying stop will also stop your child (and your heart!) from hurting, but when you tell your toddler, “Stop crying!” or “Don’t cry!” they’ll immediately think that you don’t understand how they’re feeling. Their message is therefore likely to become louder and more persistent.

By asking or telling them to “stop,” you’re also telling your child that their emotions are invalid and unimportant. Regardless of how trivial the reason may seem to you, your failure to acknowledge how they are feeling in that moment deprives both of you of the opportunity to learn how to process that emotion in a more positive way.

Our goal as parents, no matter how tricky it can seem,  is to support our little one’s development of emotional self-regulation — something we can only do when we treat them with empathy and understanding.

As Tempting as it is, Don’t Distract

Many of us view distraction as the ultimate tool in our emotional arsenal. Figuring that if we can distract our crying toddler from whatever it is they are crying about, we can stop the crying altogether. We’ve all dangled a favorite toy in front of tear-streaked faces or sung a song through clenched teeth in high-pitched desperation!  Sadly though, distraction misses an opportunity to connect with your child and teach them how to deal with their emotions.

Yes, if he’s fighting over a toy with another child, distracting your boy with a second toy is completely appropriate. But if your child is crying because you helped them put their shoes on instead of letting them do it by themselves, distraction is likely to only make them respond louder and more fervently in order to be heard.

It’s true that sometimes distraction can work, but it’s often just a band-aid. It doesn’t help your child to learn how to cope with a similar situation or emotion in a more positive way in the future.

What to Say

The next time you’re faced with a crying toddler, try to take a moment to make sure you are calm. If you’re angry, stressed or frustrated, the things that you say will just add to your toddler’s distress. Take a breath or two, acknowledge how you’re feeling, focus on what’s going on inside your body (your heart may be beating a little faster; your jaw may be clenched; you may be feeling tense) and, when you’re ready, use a low voice, and try these 10 alternatives:

1. “We’re on the same team. I will help you.” Even if your child says they do not want your help, they do want to feel as though you will back them up when they need you.
2. “I can see this is hard for you.” This simple phrase acknowledges that you hear and see them.
3. “I understand you’re sad/disappointed/scared/anxious/happy and that’s OK.” Reinforce the notion that feeling an emotion is what makes us human.
4. “That was really sad/frustrating/disappointing.” Acknowledging the event that triggered your child’s crying helps them also see what triggered their emotion and figure out what to do next.
5. “Let’s take a break.” Removing you both from the situation helps your toddler understand that sometimes you need to walk away in order to compose yourself. Your child may legitimately be tired or over-stimulated and simply need to have time in a quiet, soothing place before rejoining the activity.
6. “I love you. You are safe.” This invites connection with your child rather than separation. They may need a hug, a snuggle, or to hold your hand in order to feel that you are indeed there to help them.
7. “Would you like help/a break/to try again?” Many times when your child cries out of frustration, they need one of three things: help performing the task, a break from the emotional situation, or to try to do the task again, possibly with assistance. Asking them, not telling them, what they would like empowers your child, helping them to feel important and significant.
8. “I can hear you are crying, but I don’t know what you need. Can you help me understand?” Even if your child cannot verbalize why they are crying at first, this can give them a chance to practice.
9. “I remember when you…” While it may seem like a distraction technique, helping them recall a time when they felt happy and peaceful helps prepare their brain for rational thought. Trying to reason with a toddler who is in a highly emotional state is kind of like negotiating with a tiny dictator. They are not prepared to listen to reason when they are in the midst of feeling helpless or angry or sad or exhausted.
10. “Let’s come up with a solution together.” Ultimately we want to help our children to develop problem-solving skills. Coming up with a solution that will help process their emotions teaches them how to look at the situation objectively and come up with possible solutions.
11. Maintain silence and hold loving space for your crying child. Be a pillar of empathy and strength for them.

Have an anxious child? Get tips, animations, meditations and more at www.gozen.com

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” —Dr. Bruce Banner

Remember the story of The Incredible Hulk? Scientist Bruce Banner accidentally exposes himself to lethal doses of gamma rays, and his DNA is restructured. Afterward, in times of anger or extreme stress, the otherwise mild-mannered doctor morphs into a raging green monster known as The Incredible Hulk.

Dr. Banner desperately tries to control his rage and prevent the transformations so he won’t harm others; unfortunately, he fails. In the 82 episodes of the original television series, Dr. Banner transforms into the Hulk in every single one. As a parent, you may relate to the struggle to contain your anger… I know I have.

I’ve been a longtime advocate of conscious, mindful, connected, positive parenting. That’s why I never imagined in a million years I would feel the urge to yell at children—until I had my own. I realized no matter how deep my beliefs ran or how powerful my love for my offspring, the messy reality of kids pushing boundaries, the exhaustion of working while parenting, the bewilderment of seemingly out-of-the-blue tantrums, the countless attempts to tame reckless behavior, the shock of a child yelling at you because you gave him a different colored plate to eat on than usual… well, it can lead to some Bruce-cum-Hulk moments including chronic yelling.

You may recognize that once the anger seeps in and the yell creeps up to your throat, it’s a battle to keep the scream from exploding out. And after you yell? Of course, you feel awful, maybe even ashamed; you vow it will never happen again; however, somehow, much sooner than anticipated, your inner Hulk rears its ugly head again.

I want you to know that if you yell at your kids, you’re not alone. In fact, research shows almost 100 percent of us have been there. If you want to stop yelling at your kids, it is possible. I’m both a reformed yeller and a researcher, and I want to share some tips to help you get started.

When you feel the urge to yell, begin by being mindful of what you think, feel, and do.

1. Think

Angry self-talk often precedes a fit of hollers. In other words, when a situation triggers anger, thoughts usually race through our mind before we yell. I call these thoughts FAAT thoughts or First Automatic Angry Thoughts. The following are some sample FAAT thoughts:

• Low resilience: “You’re whining again? I can’t cope with this!”
• Shoulds: “How dare you throw your food! You should be behaving better than this!”
• Condemnation: “You’re not letting me sleep! You’re being so needy!”
• Situational assessment: “This is the absolute worst possible thing that could be happening! Why is this happening?”
• Feeling thoughts: “I feel so angry I could scream!”
• Pointing fingers: “It’s all your fault!”
• Power/Control: “I’m going to show you the consequences of this behavior! You have to listen and respond appropriately to me, I’m the parent here!”

It’s easy to recognize FAAT thoughts because when your nervous system is at peace (i.e., you’re calm) you would rarely think or say those thoughts out loud. If you do say or scream them out loud when you’re angry, you usually end up regretting them or telling the object of your anger that you didn’t mean what you said.

Try this: When you feel a yell creeping up your throat, observe your FAAT thoughts. Pretend the thoughts are trains passing overhead. Allow them to pass without trying to change them. Feel free to point at and label them FAAT thoughts. Eventually, after a couple of minutes, the thoughts will pass and you will have the opportunity to transform them into more conscious thoughts.

Alternatively, you can write out your FAAT thoughts as you’re having them. If writing feels challenging, you can record the thoughts into your phone or recording device. Listening to your first automatic angry thoughts can be a great learning experience.

2. Feel

Many of us were not taught explicitly how to feel our feelings. Often with the best of intentions, we were taught to calm down, relax, or somehow distract ourselves when angry. These techniques can lead to quashing important feelings that need to be processed.

In lieu of numbing the anger, try to notice and name the sensory experience. Noticing and naming angry feelings while they are happening brings your language center in the prefrontal cortex online; this in turn tames your emotional brain and gives you a better chance at reining in the yell.

Researchers in Finland did an interesting study asking people to map out where they feel emotions in their body. As you can see in the following image, anger often rests in the upper body. Where does your anger show up?

Try this: When you feel yourself about to yell, notice and name where in your body you feel angry. The following are some examples of noticing and naming your feelings:

I feel angry in my chest right now.

I feel a lump in my throat.

I feel tightness in my stomach.

3. Do

Remember, when Dr. Bruce Banner got angry, he felt powerless to refrain from turning into the Hulk, harming others with his rage. If you practice the first two steps above (in either order), you will come to the third: “Do” feeling more like you have a choice in how you react.

When you practice being mindful of your thoughts and feelings in the midst of anger, you are acknowledging and validating the inner Hulk… without acting or doing anything with the rage.

Try this: The next time you are triggered by your child, spouse, friend, circumstance, or something unbeknownst to you, observe your FAAT thoughts until they pass, notice and name where you feel your anger, and then do nothing. There is power in the choice not to react.

Got Anger? If you’re experiencing anger as a parent, join parenting experts Dr. Shefali and Renee Jain for their online course, Anger Transformed, launching May 8, 2017—Grab a Spot Here!

Have an anxious child? Get tips, animations, meditations and more at www.gozen.com

Seriously?

Yes, research shows that your body language affects the way you feel; it impacts the level of certain hormones circulating in your body. These hormones–like cortisol and adrenaline–mediate our stress responses to threatening situations.

Think about the way you sit or stand when you’re hurt, angry, scared, uncomfortable, or sad. You may slouch, cross you arms in front of your chest, cover your face or neck with your hands, or put your hands in your pockets. It’s almost as if you’re trying to make yourself appear smaller.

To other people, this posture makes you look small, and displays that in this moment you don’t have a lot confidence. What’s maybe even more important though, is that just as your body language communicates to other people you’re feeling insecure, it also simultaneously communicates to you that you feel insecure

Why is this important? Well, Dr. Amy Cuddy’s work demonstrates that in a mock job interview, participants who engaged in power posing beforehand not only improved their overall performance, but were more likely to be considered for hire.

The research is comprehensive and cuts across various populations. In fact, Cuddy’s received feedback from athletes, surgeons, politicians, elementary school students, victims of bullying, people with physical and mental disabilities, that adopting a confident pose generates feelings of self-assurance almost instantly.

So, what are power poses exactly?

Think of how you sit or stand when you feel proud, excited, brave, or happy. You probably stand tall with your shoulders back, chest out, chin tilted up slightly, and hands on your hips. You may even hold your arms up over your head in a V-shape (“V” for victory!).

These power poses are universal signs of a confident person. When you imagine the confidence that your favorite superhero embodies, you’ll notice that they often assume postures that make themselves seem bigger, more expansive, and proud.

Here’s the amazing thing: even if you don’t feel confident or happy or brave, standing in a high power posture will send a signal to your body to make you feel more confident. In essence, you can, “fake it till you make it.” Dr. Cuddy takes this one step further with the notion that you can actually, “Fake it till you become it.” In as little as 2 minutes a day, you can become more confident, and come across as confident to others, simply by practicing and visualizing your favorite power pose.

The next time you have to take a test, are meeting new people, or are just doing something that scares you, try standing in a power pose for two minutes beforehand, and see the effects on your body!

Paper Napkin Mental Health Challenge #7: Power Pose

1. Get in front of a mirror and stand in your favorite power pose. You might want to put your hands on your hips like Wonder Woman, or have your hands out in a “V” for Victory. Whatever you choose, stay in the pose for 2 minutes.

2. Next, find a paper napkin and pen. Draw yourself in the power pose. A simple stick figure will do! You just need a visual reminder of yourself in a feel-good position.

3. Jot down a few words that describe how the pose makes you feel–or how you want it to make you feel. For example, you may write “confident,” “happy,” “brave,” “smart,” or “strong.”

4. Keep your napkin with you. Having it will remind you to pay attention to your body language as you go about your day. This is especially helpful if you find yourself in a stressful situation, like confronting a bully at school, preparing for a test, or warming up for a big game.

5. Teach a friend the technique. Don’t worry if you feel a little silly at first–ask a friend to join you; silliness loves company!

Have an anxious child? Get tips, animations, meditations and more at www.gozen.com

]]> https://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2017/03/papernapkin7powerpose/feed/ 0 https://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2017/03/how-to-be-a-cool-parent-and-connect-with-your-kids/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2017/03/how-to-be-a-cool-parent-and-connect-with-your-kids/#respond Tue, 07 Mar 2017 20:21:47 +0000 http://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/?p=1688 Scenario 1: You come home from a hard day at work, start explaining to your spouse what went wrong, and they say something like, “You just need to not care so much,

On those gloomy days, where negative thought patterns keep firing, my go-to tool is gratitude.  Now, I know you’re probably thinking that in the face of adversity, asking a child to be grateful isn’t always realistic. That’s why we will use humor to flex that gratitude muscle. By teaching kids David Scott Marley’s entertaining word game called Fortunately, Unfortunately, we can show kids the fun in looking on the bright side of things.

Here’s a great breakdown of how the game is played in a group from Wikipedia:

• One person begins with a sentence (e.g., One day Little Johnny walked to the local shoe shop).
• The next person tells of something unfortunate that happens (e.g., Unfortunately, Little Johnny was hit by a car.).
• The following person contributes a fortunate event (e.g., Fortunately, the car was made entirely of marshmallows.).
• The fourth person will contribute an unfortunate event (e.g., Unfortunately, Johnny was allergic to marshmallows.).
• The fifth person will contribute a fortunate event (e.g., Fortunately, Johnny didn’t eat any of the car.), and the process is repeated

So for this week’s Paper Napkin Mental Health Challenge, let’s try a version of this game your child can do on their own.

Here are the step-by-step instructions:

1. Grab a paper napkin.
   
2. At the top, write down a challenge.
3. Write a story about the challenge and alternate the beginning of each sentence with the words “Fortunately…” and “Unfortunately…”
4. Next time your child faces a real adversity, ask them to play the game.
5. Remember, after your child does the exercise, have them teach one other person!

Here’s my version of the game to help get you in the zone:

Have an anxious child? Get tons of research-based techniques to help them at www.gozen.com

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