He listened to the sounds of the birds in the tree outside his window, music from the house across the street, and the magical river than ran through the woods at the end of the block.  He also noticed babies crying in the grocery store – not every sound was pleasant.  But he took it all in, reflecting on the beauty of each sound on its own as well as part of the great symphony.

He would follow some of these sounds – down the street, across town, sometimes all the way into the country.  Neighbors began to think he might be a little crazy.  “We all hear those sounds sometimes, but you don’t see the rest of us on wild goose chases, do you?”  No, he didn’t.  He didn’t really understand WHY other people didn’t love the sounds as much, why they would ignore or tune out so much beauty.  But he didn’t mind.  He was happy.

And there were others who DID appreciate these sounds.  Some just smiled as he passed by, happy to see him follow his ears.  There were also those who he helped to hear those sounds too – sometimes for the first time, sometimes giving them a new appreciation for the “noises” they heard but seldom paid attention to.

After a while, however, the sounds all began to run together.  It was too much for the boy, and the beauty was gone.  What had happened?  When had it happened?  Hard to say, but he had lost the song. It was just noise.  What to do?

The boy plugged his ears.  “If I can’t hear the sound, I don’t want to hear!”  And he was surrounded by silence.  The quiet was soothing.  He started remembering things, people, places – all that he had encountered while listening to the sounds.  Good memories, bad memories – they all came flooding back.  And he started to remember the individual sounds and what had attracted him to each.  He remembered tinkling bells and toes tapping and street sweepers and bullfrogs.

Somehow, in the midst of the silence, he was hearing again.

This has been so true of my life and I avoid pain as much as possible.
How much have I failed to learn or experience as a result?
How much of a barrier has this created between myself and others because I can’t relate to THEIR pain?

Oh, that I would experience all of life more fully, accepting the depth of pain that comes along with the heights of joy.

Philip Clayton and Harvey Cox both have new books out and they are taking them out on tour. One of the blog tour stops will be here, but as you can see below they will be making their rounds over the next month until they wrap things up in Montreal at the American Academy of Religion’s annual meeting. There they will be joined by an illustrious panel including Eric Gregory, Bruce Sanguin, Serene Jones, Frank Tupper, and Andrew Sung Park to share a ‘Big Idea’ for the future of the Church. These ‘Big Ideas’ will be video tapped and shared, so be on the look out for live footage from the last night of the tour.

Philip’s new book is Transforming Christian Theology for Church & Society and Harvey’s is The Future of Faith. Both are worth checking out at one of the many tour stops. If you can’t wait you can listen to them interview each other. Enjoy the blogging!

Joseph Weethee , Jonathan Bartlett, The Church Geek, Jacob’s Cafe, Reverend Mommy, Steve Knight, Todd Littleton, Christina Accornero, John David Ryan, LeAnn Gunter Johns, Chase Andre, Matt Moorman, Gideon Addington, Ryan Dueck, Rachel Marszalek, Amy Moffitt, Josh Wallace, Jonathan Dodson, Stephen Barkley, Monty Galloway, Colin McEnroe, Tad DeLay, David Mullens, Kimberly Roth, Tripp Hudgins, Tripp Fuller, Greg Horton, Andrew Tatum, Drew Tatusko, Sam Andress, Susan Barnes, Jared Enyart, Jake Bouma, Eliacin Rosario-Cruz, Blake Huggins, Lance Green, Scott Lenger, Dan Rose, Thomas Turner, Les Chatwin, Joseph Carson, Brian Brandsmeier, J. D. Allen, Greg Bolt, Tim Snyder, Matthew L. Kelley, Carl McLendon, Carter McNeese, David R. Gillespie, Arthur Stewart, Tim Thompson, Joe Bumbulis, Bob Cornwall

This Tour is Sponsored by Transforming Theology DOT org!

Oh, to hear these words!  You are mine, I love you, I am pleased with you.  What more could a child want to hear?  What more could I want to hear?  I love you for YOU.  How much of my life has been spent trying to earn such praise, or harden myself to withstand NOT feeling it?  This is not to say that my parents did not/do not love me.  They do!  But some part deep in me just isn’t attuned to this message.

I want my children to know they belong, are loved, and I am pleased with them.  Tonight I told this to each of them.  Can i ever say it enough?  And I also told them that I want the way I act toward and with them to say the same.  I don’t want my words and actions to be different.  Sure, I won’t get it right all the time.  But I think if they see and know my heart, they’ll know the truth.  And I’m learning to lean in heavy with my heart, and hold the particulars loosely, instead of the other way around.

In the process, I am reclaiming m own identity, hearing God say to me: You are my son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.  May you hear the same!  It changes everything, and I believe everything needs changing.

By paying more attention to how I am FEELING when I am stressed, sad, etc., and NOT immediately trying to figure it out, I can connect better with what is going on in me.  Example: I’m anxious… Instead of asking myself “why am I anxious” (because I come up with too-easy answers), I ask, “what’s going on in me as I feel anxious”.  Maybe I feel lightheaded.  So then I can think about another time(s) I felt the same way.  In many cases, the way I am feeling/responding NOW is repeating a pattern from some unresolved past thing.

This may sound pretty psychoanalytical, but it is helping me a lot.  It is helping me because just understanding what I want to change in me doesn’t produce change.  So, I am trying something different, something that connects me more to whole self.  I guess the best way I can explain it is that I am using my body/senses to connect me to past hurts rather than my brain, because my brain has interpreted things in ways that protect me, but also keep me from pain.

And so, if you are still reading, the example from today that triggered me writing this post.  I needed to make a phone call.  I didn’t want to make this phone call.  So I paused to ask myself what was going on,  I was feeling ashamed, embarrassed – pulse speeding up, chest tightening.In lingering in that feeling, I realized that I felt like I was reporting to someone that I thought would be disappointed in what I had to say, that I was going to be in trouble.  This reminded me of a work situation where I had to give lots of accounts of my time & responsibilities.  Though I thought I was doing a good job, it was communicated that it was not enough/good enough, and eventually I dreaded giving these reports.

But then I realized it goes back further, to a time when my dad came over (my parents were divorced and we lived with my mom) and talk to my brother and I when we were in trouble.  Basically, we had caused some damage on accident, and my dad was called in to give us “the talk.”  He was never around, never communicated care or interest, but he comes to talk to us when we were in trouble!  From then, I learned that when people are asking for an account of something that has gone wrong or not as well as hoped for, I am in trouble, that it is my fault.  Oh, this makes me so anxious.  I get particularly bothered when I perceive these people ONLY check in when there is a problem (which is a commonly-accepted leadership style).

What often happens as a result is that I then feel the need to cover my butt as I explain the situation.  Not lie, but make sure you understand what I was and wasn’t responsible for, what I did/didn’t do, etc.  I don’t believe you care for me, so I have to protect myself.  Honestly, I don’t generally mind owning up to my mistakes.  But if it WASN’T my fault, I will make darn sure (tactfully, diligently, of course) that you understand that.  Because when my dad came to talk to us, I got in trouble and it wasn’t my fault and no one believed me and I don’t want that to happen again.

In finding this deeply embedded hurt, I can stop believing the lie.  I can change.  I can act differently.  I don’t have to justify or feel like I must convince you of the truth that you might not see because you are uninvolved or don’t care.  I don’t have to assume I am in trouble unless I can show you otherwise.  I can let the situation speak for itself.  I can trust God to defend me instead of myself.  I am sure that it won’t go well all the time.  But I’m going to believe for the best.

Woman of my dreams-

beautiful

strong

dependable

fun

faithful

godly

loving.

Happy birthday darling Melissa.

- J.R.R. Tolkein

I have never read any of Tolkein’s books… my son has.  I came across a piece of this poem today – “not all those who wander are lost” – which I LOVE and found it in this poem from The Lord of the Rings.  Awesome, eh!  This resonates with me as I think about my sabbatical (except for the king bit in the last line – don’t want you to think I’m overly-ambitious.  But I like the restoration theme nonetheless).

In wrapping up our time with NieuCommunities in Pretoria and before starting for something new in Cape Town, we have a unique and precious window of time to let God prepare us in significant ways.  For today, some basics on the PURPOSES of our sabbatical…

1. The first purpose of our sabbatical is rest from several years of cross-cultural living and ministry.  We need to decompress, have time as a couple, and opportunity to do things as a family that we haven’t made as much time for in the last several years as we would have liked to.  We believe this will put us in a better place personally, spiritually, and relationally.

2. A second purpose of our sabbatical is restoration.  This is part of the reason we needed to leave our normal environment so we have time, space, and freedom from our normal obligations that can detract from making growth a top priority.  We are in the middle of a great program at Link Care in Fresno specifically designed for missionaries and their unique needs.  We will continue counseling throughout our time in Fresno as part of the process of continuing to grow into the people God wants us to be.  A big part of what we anticipate is deeper intimacy with God, one another, and all those God brings into our life.

3. A third reason for our sabbatical is reflection on the past several years of life and ministry.  What has taken place in our personal lives, what have we learned about life in community, how has God shaped and used us in South Africa, and what does all this mean for the future?  Expect lots of writing…

4. The final purpose for our sabbatical is preparation for what God has in store for us in this next season of life and ministry.  We have some pretty good ideas about what that will look like, but want God to confirm and clarify.  We expect God to further reveal hopes, details, and specifics.  We also anticipate this leading us to further training and learning to get us ready.  And, we want to use this time to develop the patterns and habits we will need to continue successfully in the next season.  Of course, you will hear more and more as we do, and as we gear up for all that is to come when our sabbatical ends on May 31.

For now, we are settling into life, school for the kids, and soon a new house (renting from friends) in Fresno!  More on all that, and some pics, soon

In the meantime, would appreciate your comments and prayers.

Thanks to all who have made these last years so special.  And here’s to all those we jounrey with in days ahead!