http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/culturemonster/2009/10/fans-of-peewee-herman-angry-over-shows-postponement.html

And it makes me sound like a big dork. Oh well.

The gist: If I want to exchange my front-row tickets for front-row tickets, they’re going to cost me another $100. You see, the show has been moved to a larger, more expensive venue. So the “comparable” tickets I’ve been promised aren’t really comparable at all.

Ticketmaster doesn’t care that I’m out money on my plane tickets. They don’t care that I’m out money on my rental car. They don’t care that I diligently tracked the ticket sales when they originally went on sale and scored a pair of front row seats. All they know is that front row seats are now super expensive, and that I don’t get any.

Toward the end of the call, my will was broken. I was ready to accept my crummy new seats for an even exchange, figuring I’d try to sell them on Ebay and hopefully recoup SOME of my lost plane ticket money. But then they totaled everything up, and said they’d have to charge me sixty-cents. That was the difference in price.

I told him I was pretty insulted. He told me he couldn’t do anything about it.

So I opted for the refund. And I steadily demanded that he pay me a sixty-cent processing fee for my trouble. He thought I was crazy, and said I’d get my refund, but no extra sixty-cents.

Two days ago I had front-row seats to see my comedy idol in a nice, intimate venue. Now I have nothing, save for two plane tickets to LA that I have no reason to use, and no way to return. This whole ordeal has left me $300 in the hole, and with a very, very bad taste in my mouth.

Pee Wee Herman? More like POO Wee Herman.

Last month I hit up Ticketmaster to buy tickets to Pee Wee Herman Live out in Los Angeles. I live in Chicago, but the opportunity to see Pee Wee live performing Playhouse bits was more than I could pass up. I stalked Ticketmaster, got in there right away, and ended up scoring two FRONT ROW seats to the show.

Next to the pending birth of my brand new baby boy, this was at the top of my list of things to look forward to. It was an extravagant purchase, a ridiculous excuse for a trip to Los Angeles, but as a performing comic whose material all springs in some manner from the well of Pee Wee Herman, this pilgrimage was a necessary step for me.

Then today happened.

I just received an email from Ticketmaster informing me that since the show was selling so well, it has been moved to a new larger venue… so my front row seats were no longer any good. Not only that, but the dates and times have been moved as well. If I want, I can call in tomorrow morning to exchange my tickets on a first-come, first-served basis. Or I can just sit back and receive an automatic refund.

I have a feeling that when I call tomorrow to exchange my tickets, I won’t be offered anything nearly as cool as the front row seats I had scored in a semi-intimate venue. Also, I didn’t purchase any trip insurance… so after most likely eating the cost of my plane tickets out to Los Angeles, it would be far too absurd for me to spend even more money on a new flight out there.

In a BEST case scenario, I’ll have to eat my plane ticket cancellation fee, and lose my front-row seats to see Pee Wee Herman. His show has been rescheduled for January and February, at which point my wife will be so freaking pregnant, I would not want to leave her for silly selfish reasons.

Fart. Crap. Boo.

You set me up, Pee Wee Herman. Your biggest fan has now become your 10th or 12th biggest fan.

So here’s one last post for the time being…

Becky’s pregnant! We’re expecting another kid in February. I’m excited, petrified, etc.

Impress These Apes opens at ComedySportz on September 16th! With a baby on the way, this will probably be the last time I hop up on stage for a very long time. So please check out the show, and check out its bitchin’ web site, ImpressTheseApes.Com.

Blewt! has a new web site! Blewt.Com! I’ve been working on this design for a very long time, and finally got past my CSS stumbling blocks to make it happen (thanks very much to the CSS wizardry of Jennifer @ AwesomeTopic.Com).

I made a Flash game, Space Bugz, that was really a big SHMOXY ploy. People with web cams would be recorded as I shmoxied them, and now their videos are up on YouTube.Com/MrShmoxy.

This page will most likely shut down soon, only to be replaced once more by something more fun that suits my fancy, if I can ever get my ducks in a row. My ducks are all crazy, though, and it’s difficult to get them all in the same room, much less standing neatly in a line.

I’m selling a modified Graco car seat designed for toddlers, 20-50 pounds.

The buckles have been replaced with easy-open velcro fasteners. This allows the toddler to remove their restraints if they become uncomfortable, or if they want to let themselves out of their seat. With modifications, the seat is far more comfortable for your toddler than off-the-shelf heavy-restraint models.

Reponse #1

Hi,

I wanted to let you know why your listing was flagged down (and why it will be flagged down again).

Child restraints are required to undergo stringent testing. They are designed to save children’s lives and prevent injury in an accident. Modifying them in the way you have described will almost certainly lead to a child’s death in even a low speed accident.

As you seem intent on listing your ‘modification’, I need to let you know that this it is illegal to modify a child restraint and sell it as such. If NHTSA investigates (which it will, if I file a report with them), you could face federal charges, not to mention charges for endangering the welfare of a minor.

Furthermore, if a parent is stopped by police with his or her child in such a seat, the seat will be confiscated, the parent fined and child protective services might very well get involved.

If a parent wants his child to be ‘comfortable’ he should look for a car seat model with padding; under no circumstances should the buckles, which are the load bearing devices on a car seat, be removed. The force placed on the webbing of the harness and the buckles is unbelievable in a crash. Take the weight of the child (let’s say 30 pounds for argument), multiply it by the speed of the crash (let’s say 30 mph) and you have the rough approximation of force on the harness and the child….900 pounds of force. Velcro would rip apart, the child will be thrown through the windshield and likely killed instantly.

You should also consider that if such a scenario happens, when the modification of the seat is traced back to you, you might very well be charged with manslaughter.

Things to consider…I hope this is helpful to you.

Response #2

Hi, I just wanted to bring to your attention that the car seat you have on Craigs List is a saftey hazard to toddlers/children. If someone is to purchase this seat, is involved in a vehicle collision with their child in it, you would be liable for the injury or death of the child due to the seat you modified and sold to them. Car seats are not just something for the kid to sit in, they are designed (with all the latches and buckles) to hold the child in properly in the event of a vehicle collision and have been crash tested to do so, to prevent them from getting injured or worse. I hope you take this into accout and destroy the seat and not let someone else put their child in danger by using this seat.

Thank You,
Marcie B.

Duh.

Today was her last dance class. Izzie hasn’t quite taken to dance class yet. This is a class for two and three year olds, and for some brilliant reason parents are not allowed in the studio with their kids. So ten little girls in pink tutus dance and skip with scarves and hoops while twenty parents crowd around a tiny peephole to squeeze in as much adorableness that they can get for the money they paid for the class.

Normally Becky takes Izzie to dance class, but this morning I took her alone. Having me standing outside was a bit much for her, so she spent the class bobbing in and out of the room, eventually giving it up entirely and sitting with me in the hall. It was such a heartbreaking experience, wanting so badly for her to be a brave little girl and go play dancer with her friends, ultimately being so disappointed that she wouldn’t give it another go. How much of that disappointment do I let her see? How will that disappointment affect her in future classes? When am I shaping her, and when does my behavior and reaction simply roll right off of her?

Ahhhh!

It’s easy to say that she is who she is. She definitely has a personality and a will that is her own. But I’m sure that personality was crafted and will continue to take shape as a reaction to the experiences she has around her. When Izzie sensed that I was disappointed, I could see disappointment in her face. I don’t want her next move to be an attempt to compensate that. I really don’t want her to grow up constantly trying to keep Becky and me from being disappointed.

But what can you do? There’s a lesson in everything. The lesson I wanted her to learn today was that even though playing in a room with a group of strangers with a wall between you and your parents is scary, immersing yourself in these situations always ends happily. That’s the lesson that keeps me signing up for auditions, which petrify me, and throwing myself on stage in front or large groups of people, which often paralyzes me with fear. Those often end up being some of my favorite experiences, the ones that my instincts tell me to run from.

I know I ran crying and screaming from a few swimming classes when I was three times her age. So instead of being disappointed that I didn’t get to watch her hop through some hula hoops, and that she accepted her post-class stickers through tears and screams, I’ll try to remember that she’s laying her own groundwork for those lessons that nobody can teach her but herself. I’m 33, now, and while I’m not much of a swimmer, I got pretty good at diving in head first.

I finished the first chapter of the new Monkey Island game series, and I enjoyed it quite a bit. It was pretty short, but as it was only chapter one of five, that was to be expected. It definitely had the flavor of the earlier games, and I enjoyed the writing and puzzles. It turns out I’m not too old and jaded to sit back and play a video game about pirates, monkeys, and voodoo. I’m looking forward to chapter 2! I’m not sure how long they’re going between chapter releases, but I hope chapter 2 comes out soon.

I caught a late night Bruno last Sunday night, and laughed a bunch. There’s plenty of debate over whether this movie is as good as Borat, if the act is tired, if the comedy is cruel, if it’s offensive, etc. I have all sorts of opinions on all of those topics. But in short, I had a great time. I laughed very hard at a time when I really needed hard laughter, and will definitely see the movie again.

Izzie! She’s growing up so quickly! She’s speaking in very intelligent complete sentences, and has developed a wicked sense of humor and comic timing. I’m proud of this little scrub every single day, and ache at how freaking adorable she has become. Say otherwise, and I’ll pop you in the nose!

I am stuck on an island of creative frustration, and all paths seem to lead to brick walls. I need to somehow harness all of these disparate avenues of creative, pull them together, and do something great.

Roar!

Read part 2 here.

The back and forth continues…

Thank you for the reply, please i will like you to recalculate of my
order alone and get back to me with the total cost of my order and
don’t worry about the shipping cost because i have my personal
shipping agent in LOUISIANA, USA that will come for the pick up of the
package in your company and i have inform them about this and they
told me the best way to come for the pick up in your store is for you
to email me with the informations needed below,

* Your Company Name and Address ?
* Time the package will be ready for pick up with your convenience
time and date?
* Contact Person for the pickup arrangement ?
* Telephone Number ?
* Weight of the package and how many boxes are they ?

So, please kindly get back to me with this details along with the
total of my order so that i can give you my card details for the
payment now.

Hope to read from you ASAP.

And my response…

Richard -

As I said, I would be so happy to provide you with this information. But first we need your photo so we can add you to our lovely POOPY customers bulletin board! We want to shower your photo with smooch kisses at noon in our customer appreciation ceremony. All praise to the great Hoomba Loomba! Haba-kaboola! Boola-katooby! Hahm-hahm pashtaboola!

Please send your photo, Richard, and I will reply swiftly with every piece of information that you need. We look forward to showering you with baggies of our POOPY and hope that your day is filled with blessings and smooch kisses.

Steve

Our friendly spammer has replied! Here’s the latest volley of emails.

Thank you for your reply,Here is what i will like to order,

baggie full of POOPY……………………………Qty50pieces

I will like you to get back to me with the total cost and the shipping
cost and here is address for you to the shipping cost via ups or
fedex.and please kindly get back to me if this items is in stock
because i do not want any delay on this.Do this on time so that i can
be able to give you my credit card information and complete my order
for me
Best Regards.
Richard

RICHARD SUPPLIER & CO.
67A Fletcher Street,
Rockingham
WA 6168
Australia.
TEL:+61 849 709382
FAX: +61 253 639802
Email:richard.store01@gmail.com

And my response…

Richard -

We can send you 50 baggies full of POOPY, and are happy to accept your credit card payment. Since you are buying in bulk, I can quote you a discount price of $25 per baggie of POOPY. Your total cost without packaging or shipping will be $1,250.

One other thing. We pride ourselves on being a family business. All of our POOPY customers are family members to us. Each year we throw a big picnic for all of our old and new clients at a forest preserve near our POOPY factory. We’d love for you to attend!

We also have what we call our “Loving Family” board posted here at our office with photos of all of our POOPY customers. Before we can do business with you, we’d like to add your picture to our board. At around noon, we have all of our POOPY employees rush the board and shower the photos with smooches and kisses. We’d love to kiss smooch your photo during our noon ritual!

Please respond with your photo, Richard, in print-resolution. We can then tell our haughty Poop Soldiers to start filling those baggies with crunchy, munchy, chubtastic POOPY!

Sincerely,
Peter Poopy