Schöneluft Log, 1900.07.05

Ulrik Manfred Adler, acting Captain

I clung to the ladder, blown backward by the blast of the Mongol’s hydrogen. Each bag exploded in turn, but I lost count. The front of me was dry and the back wet, and I found that to be so funny I laughed out loud. Below me the ladder burned. This was interesting to watch, and so I watch it. I wondered if it would reach me, or if the rain would put it out.

I realized then that someone was speaking to me. I looked for the Khan, but his ship was falling, was nearly to the ground. I watched the impact before the voice again interrupted my thoughts. This time I remembered to look up. It was Chef.

“Ça va, mon brave bête?”

I thought what a fine and brave fellow he was, and an excellent chef. I grinned at him, and waved. He pulled on his mustache (which is a very fine one) and gestured at me to come up. Lightening struck again, but it was nearly a mile away, already heading out to sea. I laughed again forgetting all about Chef.

I lurched downward. I thought my ladder might have burned away, dropping me on my final flight, but I still held on. I came around a bit then. The lashing rain had extinguished the ladder fire a dozen feet below me. That had me grinning again, until something sharp hit me in the head.

“Ow!”

I rubbed at my scalp, feeling for blood. Someone was yelling above me again. One of the boiler crew leaned out of the hatch, screaming unintelligibly and waving a spanner. I looked around. No crewman (or lady) would throw a spanner unless it was important. They love their tools.

A lone Wing was approaching, flapping madly and gaining altitude. I fumbled at the rifle slung on my back, then in my pockets for shells. I searched the sky for others, but they were all far below. One determined Mongol dying to avenge his Khan, and damned if I only had one shot left!

I raised the barrel and aimed. As I squeezed the trigger something silver hit my rifle. My shot went wild. My last shot! What the Hell was that monkey playing at?

I drew my sword, knowing that the blighter would have an arrow through my chest and blow up Mein Herr’s ship before I could get in a single blow.

I looked for my iron-tipped fate. I saw instead … an accordion? The rider had no bow, no axe, but what appeared to be a concertina he was pumping earnestly as the wings flapped. And then I knew why I’d had spanners thrown at me. War Wings glide; they don’t flap. Mongol airmen don’t have adorable heart-shaped faces, a riot of curls poking out from their leather flying caps, or sparkling brown eyes behind their goggles.

I sheathed the sword and held out my arms. Philomena von Hedwig flew into them, accordion wheezing a protest in our embrace.

“Gosh it’s good to see you, Ulrik!”

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Schöneluft Log, 1900.07.05

Ulrik Manfred Adler, acting Captain

A glimmering blue ball, six inches across, darted across my vision. The Lightening Generator! I looked down, scanning the sky as I arced across it, still climbing back to the ship. The Mongol was gaining on us, determined to shoot us into oblivion with his ballista. The blue lightening ball was behind me, poor Chef’s problem perhaps. I could not see the Generator.

There! An enormous red ball of energy dashed out from under the Mongol airship, chased closely by a gold one. It was directly below the enemy! The rumbling filled my gut again, building unbearably so close to the cloud bank. Lightening attracting lightening.
A tiny green lightening ball zoomed after the gold, followed by four more, chasing the gold. A War Wing rider banked into the last one as he chased the wind to reach me. It must have passed through his heart, for he was dead before he had time to scream. The green ball kept up its chase, as if the body of the man was no different from air.
The lightening struck the Generator. I felt it in my teeth. My eyes felt shriveled; my ears popped and I heard nothing of the explosion, at first. Then the boom came roaring through me as the electricity had. Then the Mongol was on fire, and I pulled my goggles back over my eyes as the first blossoms of flame bloomed on the envelope.

The explosion of the Lightening Generator had blown the ballista crew from the fighting platform as it set the wood alight, but one man still stood. The Khan himself, judging by the gold plates on his leather armor. He raised his fist to me just as the flames reached the hydrogen bags. Whether he saluted me or threatened I will never know; he was blown to pieces.

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“I beg your pardon, Madame?” Lady Aubergine said.

“Majesty!” Queen Drysi shrieked the word.

Lady Aubergine bowed low. “I beg your pardon, your Majesty. Might I enquire as to the location of the art of which I am accused?”

The enraged Queen slumped back in her throne and flicked a wrist at the Capsicum Chief.

“Her Highness refers to carvings on the kitchen fountain, which are seditious in nature,” he said.

“Majesty, as I recall, the kitchen fountain is of great antiquity, being the oldest fountain on the grounds.” She turned to an elderly tomato. “Lord Llyr, is that not so?”

The gentleman blanched, shaking his head as if to disagree, but at last he spoke, almost in a whisper. “It is so. That fountain has not been replaced since my great-grandfather’s time.”

“Then I cannot have made the pictures on it, my Queen, no can any person now living,” Eglantine said. Her voice was soothing now, as though calming a child’s tantrum. “They are no doubt some quaint folk tradition of no importance.”

Queen Drysi rose slowly, hands shaking. “You defy me, Eglantine, you mock me! I will not have it! All my life you have undermined me, standing behind my throne, my throne as though it were yours!” The Queen was screaming, pink spittle flecking her mottled face. “You have no right. I am Queen and have always been and shall always be Queen. Not one more day, not one more hour will I bear your challenge to my authority!”

Claire felt movement in the hall behind her, a shifting in the crowd, but could not tear her eyes away from the awful spectacle of the mad queen. Queen Drysi took a trembling step forward, then another. Bettina clung to Claire’s skirt, hiding her face in it. Claire reached for Gerhardt’s hand, squeezing. He took Mirabelle’s, she reached for her twin, and Annabelle took Adolphus’ hand.

“No more,” the Queen said, raising a finger to point at Lady Aubergine. “I sentence you-”

The chamberlain cleared his throat and whispered in his mistress’ ear. She tore her gaze from Eglantine and looked past her into the throne room. Her face twisted into a grimace of fear and hate. The chamberlain whispered on, one hand hovering over her sleeve as though to restrain, though he didn’t dare touch her.

Claire watched the Queen’s eyes dart around the hall and could bear it no longer. She looked over her shoulder in to a sea of purple faces. Dark purple, lavender, lilac, and purple-tinged cream, every eggplant at Court stood united behind Lady Aubergine. They had gathered from the crowd, displacing other vegetables to support one of their own. Silent but unmoving, they did not challenge, but used their mass to speak for them.

Queen Drysi mastered herself at last and pushed the chamberlain away.

“Banished,” she croaked. “You are banished forever from my Court. No one may give help or succor to you, else be guilty of treason. Go this day and never be seen again!”

Eglantine bowed low without a word and turned, meeting Claire’s eye. Claire pulled her siblings back into the crowd, trying to slip away.

“Oh no, no!” Drysi stamped her foot. “The children remain with me. I shall care for them.” Her eyes glittered as though fevered.

Eglantine turned and bowed again. “Great Queen, children are such a bother, and your Majesty has so many important concerns. Let me perform this last task for you, whom I have served all your life. Let me care for the children.”

“No.” Drysi smiled again, a nasty, triumphant smile.

“Just the littlest one,” Eglantine pleaded.

The queen laughed. “You need her more than she needs you! This makes your punishment perfect.” She turned to the Chief Guard. “See that she is gone by nightfall.”

The throne room was crowded, but the dais was empty. As they passed through the company the children endured the brittle smiles of nervous courtiers, who looked away as they drew near.

Lady Aubergine pulled the children into a huddle. “I am counting on you to be quiet. I may still be able to protect you, but only if you stay out of it, whatever it may be. For once, try to be seen and not heard.” She met the eyes of each child in turn. Then she knelt and embraced Bettina, whispering in her ear.

Conversation in the throne room hushed when they entered, but the longer they waited the crowd got louder, noise and tension building until raucous laughter and too-loud shards of conversation stabbed at the children’s jangled nerves. They huddled together around Lady Aubergine, who smiled serenely.

At last a quartet of guards filed onto the dais, followed by the chamberlain, who announced “Her Most Royal Lycopersic Majesty Queen Drysi, Right and Only Ruler of the Only Nation and all its Peoples, appointed by the Soil and Revered by All.” She entered on the arm of the Capsicum Guard Chief, who bowed her to her throne, then stood behind it.

“Lady Aubergine,” Queen Drysi began, “I am greatly distressed.” She did not look distressed. Her eyes shone and her mouth curled up just at the edges. Although her comment should have required no response, she watched Eglantine with great expectation.

“I am sorry to hear it, Majesty.”

“Are you indeed?” The queen narrowed her eyes. “But you are the cause of my distress.”

“Oh dear, I am so terribly sorry. How may I make amends?”

“You can confess that you have spread treasonous lies! Do you deny it?”

“I do, my Queen.”

“Then you defy me as well!” The Queen crowed.

“I fear there has been some misunderstanding, Majesty.” Lady Aubergine kept her eyes on the Queen’s feet, but her voice had steel in it.

“You have lied to these children, spreading vicious and untrue rumors,” Queen Drysi said.

“Your Majesty, I have not lied to the children.”

“Then who has?”

“What is it the children have heard that so distresses you, my Queen?”

There arose a rustling of anticipation in the crowd. Claire snuck a glance at the dais and saw the Queen’s red complexion mottled with purple.

“I shall not repeat treason in my own court! You have further conspired with and, and corrupted those beneath you to create the most vile and untrue pictures to cause unrest among the peasants!”

Claire did her best to warn Lady Aubergine about what happened at the fountain,  but without Adolphus she could only tell what she had seen. She did not know how the boys had started fighting. The twins railed against Adolphus’ stupidity until Bettina, a red spot flushing each cheek, flung herself at her sisters, screaming “My fault, my fault, my fault!”

Claire scooped her up. “No, not your fault. Any of us would have uncovered those carvings. Father and Mother taught us to value knowledge and discovery. We all would have wanted to see what was under there and why.” She hugged her sister, who for once did not try to squirm away. “It’s just so much more complicated here than at home.”

Adolphus stayed out for hours, returning just before dark, disheveled and haunted. He said nothing of where he had been, nor, once they saw him, did his siblings ask.

Lady Aubergine straightened his hair and smoothed his cowlick more gently than his mother ever had, and tears started in his eyes. He smeared them away, and Eglantine pretended not to notice.

“I was born in trouble, Adolphus,” Eglantine said. “And never for any reason. All my life

I’ve been threatened with terrible punishments just for being born. Once again I shall slip through to continue the wait, or something shall fall on me. Either way, I have never felt so happy as I have with you children here. I could not wish for a better reason to be in trouble than you.”

He managed a shaky smile for her, and she rewarded him with a warm one.

The summons came the next day, late in the morning. Queen Drysi awaited Lady Aubergine and the children immediately.

“Now,  I will do everything I can to keep you safe until your parents arrive. You are brave and thoughtful children, but I must beg you to keep quiet, which I know is unlike you, and behave meekly, which will be difficult. But I must insist that you allow me to do what I can.”

Adolphus could only look at his shoes. The twins and Gerhardt stood close together, and Bettina clung to Eglantine’s skirt. The lady stooped and picked her up.

“Oh, this is all our fault!” Claire wailed.

“No!” Eglantine softened her voice and drew the children close. “You are sane visitors in a madhouse. Remember this: If she does something bad, it is her fault. Not you, not the terrified idiots watching, just her. You can only, ever, be responsible for your own behavior.”

With one last check as to the children’s presentability, she sailed down the corridor, proud as an admiral’s flagship, although behind her was a downcast fleet. Mirabelle caught up with her older brother.

“Look, it was a matter of time before one of us thumped him,” she said. “I just which I’d gotten a lick in.” She squeezed his arm.

Eight hours later, the captain and passengers of the Lucy Stone were out of the dark at last, working in the muted, violet-tinged sunlight. They were clearing a tangle of vines that blocked their passage from the cave mouth. The Captain wielded a machete, Herr von Hedwig  mangled his sword cane, and Madame, rather more efficient than her companions, attacked with her trusty pruners.

“I’m beginning to envy that yeti,” Herr von Hedwig grumbled. “A sedative dart sounds better and better. Have we slept, at all, recently?”

“I don’t know,” his wife answered. “I can make more coffee if you’d like.”

“I’ll have one of your tasty espressos, Hera,” Captain Charette said, “just as soon as we’re flying. Then von Hedwig can have a nap while we get the lay of the land.”

Herr von Hedwig slashed through a thick vine, then grimaced as he inspected his sword blade. “I’m not as young as I once was.”

“What of it?” Hera said. “As enthralled as I was with you in youth, I find I love you even better now. Youth isn’t everything.”

“Perhaps. But with one ton of angry muscle, claw, and tooth inches behind you, youth has much to recommend it.”

“If we can focus over here just a bit,” Charette interrupted, “I think we’ll be clear.”

Shortly they were, and Herr von Hedwig forgot his nap in the discovery of a new land. The Lucy Stone rose gingerly, her envelope scraped by branches. Captain Charette took her up slowly above the trees. At last they floated above the canopy, between the trees and swirling purple clouds. They mountain range they’d emerged from curved in an arc to the southwest, crowned in its center by a smoking volcano. Most of the mountains were covered in trees, and the ship floated above a sea of dark green.

Herr von Hedwig consulted their compass and log.

“I believe we’ve come out somewhere in the south Pacific,” he said. “Not so far south as Australia, not so far east as Hawai’i. Wonder how big it is? Has anyone been here before?”

“Is anyone here now?” Eve said. “There’s no sign of life – no smoke.”

“Well,” Madame answered, “no industry, perhaps. We’re so used to columns of coal smoke – there may be a pre-industrial society.”

“We won’t see much through these trees,” Phineas said.

“We should skirt these mountains,” the Captain said, “and look for the river your children followed.”

She steered her ship along the curve of the hill, Hera studying the flora beneath, Phineas scanning the landscape but also peering at the sky above. The found the river within the hour, and, finding no children camped at the cave mouth, began following it. The violet sky darkened to purple.

“We won’t see them in the dark,” Hera worried.

“My love, we won’t have to. They will see us.”

“And hear us, I imagine,” Eve said. “Even though it’s gotten dark, there are still no signs of fire – no light, no smoke. This land is uninhabited.”

“Good,” Hera said. “If only there are no large predators, then the children should be fine. The lush vegetation should provide them with food, the river with water. Since there are no hostile natives, they have nothing to fear.”

Portable Elegance for Camp and Home

One Weekend Only

November 12 – 13, 2011

Captain Eve Charette and P. Phineas von Hedwig will host an open house at their studio in Lovettsville, Virginia this weekend to visitors of all ages. Collaborating with painter/printmaker Jill Evans-Kavaldjian as Pith Helmet Provisions, they are eager to present to the public their well-crafted campaign necessities and vintage amusements.

This unprecedented opportunity to meet the makers is sponsored by the Catoctin Holiday Art Tour. The Tour features 15 of Loudoun County’s finest artists in 7 unique studios close to each other in Virginia’s historic wine country. Loudoun County Virginia is situated nearby Washington, DC, Frederick, Maryland, and Shepherdstown, West Virginia.

Pith Helmet Provisions, a Steampunk Family venture, features unique hand-crafted toys for all ages, from marshmallow crossbows, desktop catapults and elegant hand-painted game boards to iPod soundboxes* and cocktail  cases to please the most discerning connoisseur. Any one, from Walter Mitty to the most rugged adventurer will appreciate the ingenuity and fine craftsmanship of these clever creations.

Vintage Amusements

For young and old, Pith Helmet Provisions has been stringing crossbows, assembling catapults and varnishing hand-painted reversible backgammon/checker sets for back yard, office, parlour or campaign tent. For toys to delight your loved ones this holiday season, turn away from the plastic morass and embrace hand-made old-school fun. On seeing the last crossbow strung, steampunk matron Hera von Hedwig exclaimed, “How marvelous! You’re the Santa’s elves of holiday mayhem!”

Delightful Diversions

Discerning shoppers may choose from a selection of cunning cocktail cases for a gift to please the one who has everything. Designed to grace the most rugged tent or elegant home, no case is like any other made by Pith Helmet Provisions or anyone else! If the Rough Rider Martini case does not suit, try the Sarah Bernhardt champagne case (with or without the Oscar Wilde expansion pack), Napolean’s campaign cocktail case, or the van Gogh absinthe fountain. Have a maniacal laugh in your heart? The Mad Science Mixology Lab is for you!

Mad Science Home Decor

Different events call for different venues – be ready! Our floorcloths and tables can be moved inside or out depending on your whim. More durable and practical than any carpet, floorcloths created with our centuries-old hand-painting technique bring color and style into any space.

Pith Helmet Provisions expertly hand-crafts sturdy, collapsible tables to bring the quality of your great-grandmother’s dining table anywhere you go. Inspired by Napoleonic campaign furniture, portable tables are designed to endure clumsy guest mishaps and extremes of weather. Unexpected holiday guests are no problem if you are fortunate enough to possess one of our moveable feast tables. Use alone or in combination to create the perfect social environment.

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* Android soundbox can be created on request!

Father, meanwhile, discovered the yeti. He was navigating a small but promising volcanic tube, the fifth tunnel they tried to follow the children.  The Lucy Stone’s spotlights grazed over a boulder, catching his eye in the otherwise smooth tunnel. He was surprised when the boulder stretched, unfolding into a sinewy seven foot hairy man-shaped creature. It roared at the challenging airship, beating its chest.

The roar woke the ladies, who had been attempting (in the Captain’s case) or pretending (in Madame’s case) to nap. They joined Phineas at the fore window as he deftly back the airship away from the angry yeti.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” he demanded. “Dash it! Why don’t I have my photographic equipment with me? What a remarkable find.”

Captain Charette rubbed sleep from her eyes. “We still in that tunnel?”

“Yes. It hasn’t gotten any smaller, so I’m hopeful.” He answered without taking his eyes from the yeti, a manic smile on his face. “Do you know, I think it might be a hominid?”

“Hominid or not, it’s blocking our way to the children,” Hera said.

“We can’t push past it,” Captain Charette said. “Not if it attacks. It would take it a while to get to us, but those claws look like they could shred my envelope.”

It paced the cave floor, growling and challenging the Lucy Stone, which hovered seventy yards back from it in the narrow volcanic tube. They were running out of options. The other tunnels had petered out, too small for their ship to pass through. The tunnel they followed to find this one dropped sharply down and headed too far west. If tunnel number five did not put them back on the trail, they would have to abandon ship and follow the river in a boat of their own. And between them and the passage was the yeti.

The Captain loaded a short-barreled shotgun and offered her service revolver to the frowning von Hedwigs.

“Who’s the better shot?”

“There must be another way,” Madame insisted. “In fact, I brought a few things with me that might be useful, formulations of my own.”

She had, in fact, some three dozen vials of medicines, stimulants, sedatives, and poisons, wonders of the plant kingdom concentrated by her own hand to do the most good, or the most harm.

“What I don’t have is a dart gun to deliver the sedative I want. In my distress I forgot to pack it. Either it’s still with Ulrik or it was on the children’s ship.”

“Do you have a syringe, my love?” Herr von Hedwig asked.

“Yes. I keep several in the pharmacopeia.”

“Then I will see what help I can provide,” he said. “Captain, if you might take the wheel.”

The wild and distressed creature paced the tunnel in front of them, roaring and snarling its terrible fierce face.

Captain Charette watched it, clutching her shotgun. “I wish I had room to turn her around,” she said. “That thing would be a darn sight less likely to charge my propellers.” A sudden noise, or rather the sudden lack of one spun her away from the window and towards her passengers.

“Hey! von Hedwig, what are you doing with my gyroscopic regulator?”
“I’ll put it back in a moment,” he said, “just as soon as our furry friend is asleep. I needed a belt drive and it was the smallest.”

He tested the stretch of the purloined belt, pulling it against the ends of a large ornamental coat hook he had torn off the Captain’s elegantly lacquered cabin wall. Charette stood speechless, yeti forgotten.

“Dash it, von Hedwig!” She managed at last. “Is this why they call you the Fearless Fabricator? You’re certainly not afraid to tear apart my ship!”

“There’s plenty of lacquer in Japan, dear Captain, but only one yeti that we know of.” He smiled. “And there’s a slight chance this will work. I took a few ball bearings out of your gyroscopic compass, as well.”

Madame dropped the ball bearings into a large syringe, then dropped a loaded, smaller syringe into it. “Ready, darling.”

“Excellent!” Herr von Hedwig took the modified syringe from her in exchange for a kiss, opened the hatch, and leaped onto the cave floor. The yeti roared in fury.

“Was that… was that a slingshot?”

“Yes,” Madame beamed. “In theory, the ball bearings, being heavier than the syringe, will depress the plunger and deliver the sedative. Isn’t he clever?”

“He’s mad.”

“Well, really!” Madame pushed past the Captain to watch through the fore window. “All sorts of interesting people are called that.”

The yeti’s scream filled the cavern and shook the little ship. It attacked, rushing von Hedwig, who waited until the monster was fifteen feet away, and let loose the slingshot’s load. He did not wait to see what effect, if any, his mad, makeshift weapon had on the creature. He made his shot, dropped the slingshot, and sprinted up the tunnel the way they had come. The yeti did not even break stride, but charged after him, roaring and snarling.

“There,” said Madame. “That might have worked. If you don’t mind terribly, I’ll borrow that shotgun of yours, and see if he needs any help.”

Captain Charette stared for the briefest of moments, and handed over her gun. Madame took it and jumped from the ship, running after her husband and the furious yeti. The Captain inspected the chipped lacquer wall and what remained of the gyroscopic regulator.  Then she laughed, laughed until tears slid down her apple cheeks, took up her revolver and followed.

We had a wonderful time, thanks to the charming hospitality of Emmett Davenport and the Ducole Company, and the delightful company of Taloolah Love, Droctor Q, and many excellent folks we met in Pittsboro and at the Torchlight Tavern. We have photos of our adventures on the Steampunk Family Flickr stream, and on Facebook. Stop by and comment and tag yourself!

Saturday, October 15 we will be in the beautiful town of Pittsboro, North Carolina to wreak havoc on the unsuspecting populace. And they invited us! Perhaps they have us confused with some reputable and less chaotic family, but nevertheless we shall be there, amusing ourselves (and you, if you’re lucky enough to be there!)

The event is Pittsboro by Gaslight. We share have our fortunes told by the Bearded Lady! We shall listen to many marvelous musical ensembles! We shall (well, some of us shall, probably not the kids) take burlesque lessons from Taloolah Love! We shall attend the Fictitious History Tour, and possibly create some fictitious history, while we’re at it. We shall devour art and delicious beverages at Davenport & Winkleperry, stroll the lanes, and look for trouble. If we can’t find any, we’ll make it!

Rhodri gasped and scrambled to his feet and into the fountain, putting the bench between himself and Adolphus.

“Adolphus! Apologize.” Claire’s voice was firm, but her eyes imploring.

“No. I’ve said what I need to say to him.” Adolphus closed his mouth and drew a slow line across it with a finger, staring at Rhodri.

“Rhodri, I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding-”

“I understand perfectly that your little brother is a violent beast, that he’s colluding with the kitchen staff to promote a scandalous and untrue revision of history, and that the Aubergine has been filling your heads with lies!”

“That’s not true!” Adolphus was red in the face. “She hasn’t told us anything! I just uncovered the carvings, I’ve never seen them before and… and don’t know what they mean. And Bettina’s just a baby. You can’t be so low that you’d rat out a baby, can you?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Rhodri said. “The Queen must be told about the carvings, because…so, so they can be corrected. You can’t leave lies like that just lying around.”

Claire studied the pillar. “But they weren’t lying around, were they? If we uncovered them, we can cover them back up. Surely the kitchen staff packed the mud on so that no one would see the carvings, don’t you think so, Rhodri?”

“Well, I have no idea, Claire. But I must insist that you do something about your violent little brother!” Rhodri sneered each time he said ‘little brother’, and Adolphus ground his teeth. He could not look at Claire or Rhodri, but kept his eye on Bettina, who was swishing her stick back and forth and glaring at Rhodri from behind his back.

Claire considered her sullen siblings. “Adolphus, perhaps you could go to the kitchens and tell them that the fountain has been uncovered. Quite by accident, of course.”

She directed a smile at Rhodri. “But I’m sure they will want to repair the damage we’ve done. I’ll take Bettina back to the palace and clean her up.” She grabbed her sister’s hand and started away. “Are you coming, Rhodri?”

Rhodri looked from Claire to the fountain to Adolphus and back to Claire. “Only if you hold your sister’s stick.” Claire held out a firm hand, and Bettina reluctantly gave her the offending implement.

Adolphus trudged toward the kitchens alone, boots full of water and heart full of regret.

“What are you going on about?” Rhodri demanded.
“Nothing,” Adolphus said. “It doesn’t matter, like you said. Let’s go look for Claire.” He tugged at Bettina’s hand. She resisted.

“Queen,” she said. “Queen Eglantine.”

Rhodri gasped. “What did she say?”

“Nothing. She’s a baby. She’s just stringing words together.” He jumped into the pool boots and all and scooped up the sopping Bettina by the waist. He stood her on the bench, giving her a stern look. Rhodri stood and shuffled through the muddy water towards them. Adolphus leaned against the pillar.

“What has that woman been telling you?” Rhodri asked.

“What woman?”

Rhodri loomed over Adolphus. The pepper was a foot taller than he, taller still since the young explorer was slumped against the carved pillar. Adolphus squirmed, torn between standing up to the loathsome spy and protecting his discovery.

“The Aubergine, of course. Has she been lying to you?”

“Of course not!” Adolphus flung a desperate look at the kitchen gardens and found no relief, but a glance at his sister gave him inspiration. “Goodness, Bettina, you’re all-over mud. Go find Claire.”

Bettina, standing on the bench behind Rhodri raised her stick and waggled her eyebrows at her brother, but he was looking at Rhodri again. After a moment’s indecision, she whacked the pepper on the back of the knees before scurrying off the bench to find her sister.

“Ouch! Why does she do that?”

“She doesn’t like you,” Adolphus said. “You’re always pushing yourself into our business, following us around and mooning over Claire. None of us like you.” He stood taller, forgetting the incriminating carvings behind him.

“You’re a rotten thug, von Hedwig, if that is your real name.” His tongue tumbled over the foreign sounds. “You don’t have a proper varietal name at all. You may be cloche caste, but what are you?”

“I don’t have to answer you, half-wit. Just shove off and leave us alone for once!”

“I won’t! I’m keeping you out of trouble!”

“You are trouble, you odious sneak!” Adolphus leaned towards him, fists raised. Instead of answering his challenge, Rhodri glanced behind him at the carved pillar.  He gaped. Adolphus took advantage of his enemy’s distraction, and shoved him hard in the chest. Rhodri staggered and fell backwards over the bench. Adolphus scrambled after him, landing on his chest.

“You keep your mouth shut,” Adolphus warned, “or I’ll shut it for you, got it?”

“Boys!” Claire ran towards them, abandoning Bettina in the cucumber patch. “Boys, stop!”

Rhodri shoved the younger boy off his chest and sat up.  Adolphus leapt to his feet, standing over him, fists raised.

“Adolphus!” Claire reached them at last, pushing her brother back from his fallen foe. “We are guests here!”

“We’re not! Guests can leave.”