{Sprinkle Diary}

A Season of Last's.

2012-05-17T00:30:00.000-05:00

Things have a funny way of inevitably working out. No matter how much you may curse the sky or rejoice along the way, in the end, everything falls into place. All of the pieces fit, placing you exactly where you need to be.

I've been thinking a lot lately about first's and last’s, and all of the seemingly insignificant moments in between. We crave to document and celebrate the obviously monumental. We fill our scrapbooks and photo albums with the milestones of graduation, sixteenths, eighteenths, twenty-firsts. First days of school, last days of school, break-ups, first kisses. I wonder about the first’s and last’s I have forgotten or ignored. When was the last time we fell asleep next to each other, talking about the future? The last time I walked down a particular hallway, drove down a given street, smiled at a now former classmate? We exist, collecting these unacknowledged moments and having no way to realize they are the end of a pattern. We give them no thought at all, and yet these moments are probably more significant than the ones we place on a nostalgic pedestal.

I have been experiencing nothing but last's these past few weeks. As I walked across that stage Monday night and received my diploma, the reality of the situation hit me. I exited the auditorium with my four hundred and fifty or so peers and walked onto the front courtyard and tossed my cap into the air. Graduating high school is a kind of weird that is difficult to prepare for. After four years of mandatory attendance and personal devotion, it is weird to grasp the finality of the end. The season of last's is followed by three months of summer, and then an autumn of first's inevitably rolls in.

I've spent four years surrounded by the same familiar faces, and yet I feel as if I only truly know a handful. Who knows me or presumes to? How can any of us know each other when we do not truly know ourselves?

In the same way the unnoticed first's and last's are more significant than the celebrated, I think everyone we meet has some impact on the people we become. I’m beginning a photography series, seeking to document anyone and everyone who has had an impact on my high school years and the person I have become. The list began small and eventually grew to over one hundred people. I seek to document the significance of each relationship, no matter how casual or irrelevant it may have seemed. It is so strange how quickly we enter and leave each other’s lives.

The truth is, time moves too fast for any of us. We can spend our days harping on the missed opportunities or things gone awry, but at the end of the day, all we can really do is enjoy what we had for what it was.

I have loved my time here. Every moment, positive or negative, has shaped me into the individual I am today. The people I have spent the majority of my time with have meant so much to me, and they have been there for me, throughout it all.

For the first time in my life, however, I am ready to leave. There is a Death Cab for Cutie song that says, “If you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born, then it's time to go.” I am ready to meet new people and begin my next chapter with a fresh slate. As I watched my peers walk across that stage to collect their diplomas, one by one, I thought of all the places each of us will go. All of the first's and last's we will experience as we continue to learn and grow, these moments often going unnoticed, unrecognized, and un-celebrated or mourned. Maybe that’s okay.

Here we go.
Maddie

The End of the Beginning.

2012-05-05T00:30:00.000-05:00

Source Unknown

I no longer fear the goodbyes. I have learned that the farewells that truly matter will always be followed by a distant hello, and those that aren't are meant to exist peacefully in the past, put to rest and remembered for the time shared and valued. For the first time, all of my what-if's and someday's are will-be's and soon's. I feel at peace, and everything is falling into place.

I have three days of high school school left. Four years ago, I faced the days ahead with nervous apprehension. Today, I reflect on my time here with a full heart. I finally feel I am ready to leave. I have walked these halls and driven down these streets, wearing numerous paths onto the carpet, tales to tell. I have worn down these desks and I have laughed and learned. Above all else, I have fallen in love here, with eveyone and everything. And finally, I feel as if I have closure. For all of the hours I have loved you, I can now look you in the eyes and say goodbye. Despite any pain I may feel in leaving this campus for the last time, I know I am ready to go now. I have grown up, and it has been an honor to spend it with the outstanding people I have.

This evening, I sat alone in the coffee shop I normally visit with my friends, soaking up the environment and learning how to really enjoy being alone. As I drove home, I thought about all of the memories and conversations I have had there and on every inch of these paved streets. I tried to imagine what it would be like to leave this place. I am ready. I know I will return, and I will always have this place, and more importantly, these people, to call my home.

As I watch each of us grow up, I am overwhelmed with anticipatory nostalgia. I know we will look back on these days fondly, and perhaps someday we will find each other again amidst our new adult lives, careers, and families. And if not, I will always cherish this time for what it was.

This is in no means a goodbye, but a reflection. I have a few more months before that day comes. In the fall, I will pack my things and move across country where I will attend the Pacific Northwest College of Art for photography. Tonight, however, my friends and I will ceremoniously put on our best attire and attend our last high school prom looking like royalty.

To high school, I wish you farewell. And while it has been a blast, good riddens. I face my future with great excitement. I am ready to begin the rest of my life.

"To look life in the face... and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Aways the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours."

Maddie

Missfits Magazine: Issue 6!

2012-03-20T12:00:00.000-05:00

We are proud to present our sixth issue of Missfits with an entirely new look and feel. You can purchase the entire issue in print or download it here. Follow us on twitter, tumblr, and facebook.

Thank you so much for your support!

xo, Maddie

One Step Closer.

2012-03-15T13:09:00.004-05:00

There is something about the changing of seasons and the transition of spring that brings about an inexplicable sense of nostalgia. The familiar scents of budding flowers, new life, and thunderstorms bring back a feeling you can't quite pinpoint--you simply know you've felt it before.

I'm laying in bed with my windows open, trying to start a research paper and thinking about the last few years. I associate memories with seasons, and I remember the last few springs with expectation for the one to come. I am currently on spring break, and now that I have tasted freedom, I don't ever want to go back to school. I have a little over thirty school days left, yet they seem to drag onward endlessly. I cannot wait for summer nights. We have spent our winter weekends cooped up in coffee shops and restaurants, but now we stretch our legs and spend every waking second outside. I want to spend my days reading, running, swimming, traveling, writing, living.

One step closer.

Maddie

Valentine's Day.

2012-02-14T16:30:00.001-06:00

Today is a day both celebrated and hated, but most can agree that the opinions held regarding February 14th are anything but neutral. I woke up this morning feeling as if it were any other day--which, honestly, it is. I used to worship this holiday, wearing red and pink and obsessing over anything pink and sparkly--those of you who have followed this blog since the beginning remember that phase, unfortunately. Shortly after followed the period of romantic mourning where I publicly declared my disdain--I was miserably single and I wanted everyone to know it.

This morning, however, I woke up and said hello to another Tuesday. I would be lying if I said that I didn't have my moments, but at the end of the day, I'm happy. I can say that with absolute certainty. I am at a time in my life where I have finally achieved balance. I am surrounded by the people I love most. I am surrounded by love.

Saturday evening I got all dolled up with these wonderful people and ate dinner in the city, followed by a night of karaoke and laughter. To be honest, it was one of the greatest nights of my high school career thus far. I am in love with my friends, my future, my life. I am happy with who I have become and who I am growing into.

Today, I can say with confidence and absolute sincerity: Happy Valentine's Day, readers. I wish you love and happiness in all aspects of your life.

Maddie

Thinking.

2012-02-09T17:30:00.000-06:00

I've been giving a lot of thought lately towards what it means to be successful, both on a personal and general level. I've always associated my level of happiness with the success I achieve early on in my life. I have placed a great deal of unnecessary stress upon myself to earn good grades, get accepted into a great art school, earn scholarships, jumpstart a successful career, etc. I think I have been mistaken in assuming that the struggles and triumphs life throws at me decide my happiness and wellbeing.

Lately, however, as I actually face my future and realize how completely powerless I am in all of it, my viewpoint has changed. I think I displayed a great deal of arrogance in my planning. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it doesn’t really matter where I go to college or what job I am able to land. All that truly matters is that I am happy, healthy, and surrounded by the people I love.

I used to think that if I didn’t live in all the cities that I wanted to, or read all the books on my list, or do all the things on my “bucket list,” that I would have failed. In reality, this is anything but true. The past few years have been the happiest that I can remember, and they were experienced in a suburban high school—a time that most people choose to conveniently block out of their memory. If I was able to make the most of my time here and enjoy every second of it, that should only be additional proof that my surroundings don’t determine my success.

So what is success, then? To me, success is friendship so strong that you can’t bear the thought of moving in less than six months. Success is waking up next to someone who makes you feel alive, or if not, waking up and simply celebrating being alive. Success is living a healthy and balanced lifestyle—eating with a holistic mindset and breaking through personal fitness limitations. Success is obsessively photographing every meaningful moment, enjoying time spent alone in nature, and making the most of the life you’ve been given.

I am happy, and I am ready for the rest of my life.

Maddie

2012 Resolutions for Revolution.

2012-01-24T17:00:00.005-06:00

As you may have noticed, I never posted my resolutions for 2012. To be completely honest, January was an awful month for me. It was stressful and I neglected my health for stress and junk food. February, however, holds a refreshing sense of peace. Last night, I finally felt things coming together. I ran three miles, cleaned, and spent the evening thinking about my goals. I think my ultimate 2012 resolution is to go out and make things happen, but to also just let things happen. What is meant to be will be.

Become healthy and happy. Over the past six months, I have lost twenty five pounds, and I have about thirty more to lose by this summer. I have done so in a totally healthy way--I try to eat clean and healthy and run as often as possible. I started out running one mile at a time and I just broke three miles last month. In 2012, I will reach my ultimate goal weight. I will be fit, healthy, and happy. I made the switch to vegetarianism a little over two months ago, and I have loved it so far. I hope to run five miles at a time by the end of the summer. I feel strong and invincible, and I know I'll keep pushing.

Stop being so cynical and stop being two-faced. I really need to stop talking about people behind their back. I don't think I'm a gossipy person, but I've been acting extremely passive aggressive lately. I also get overwhelmed and stressed about politics, and I have become jaded and cynical. I want to really start seeking out the beauty and optimism in life again. I also want to tell people exactly how I feel to their faces and stop talking about them behind their back.

Make things happen, but let things happen. What is meant to be will be. I need to work on being more zen. I over-analyze everything and attempt to control every single situation. When I have an early curfew, I check my phone every five minutes until it's time to leave. I need to learn to relax. I also want to be a go-getter. 2012 will be my year.

Little things. Stop biting my nails. Download new music. Develop better posture. Be more calm, loving, and understanding towards my family. Blog more frequently. Drink lots of water. Eat clean. Find myself and stop looking for love. Run six miles at a time. Graduate!

I am ready. 2012, let's do this.

Maddie

Transition.

2012-01-17T23:00:00.001-06:00

Image source unknown.

I have just finished some pretty major layout changes. The header, font, layout, and background have all been adjusted to fit me now. Though I realize my background was sort of iconic for my blog--I've had it for three years now--it was time for a fresh look.

I feel like I am losing touch with this blog, though I will continue to write in it as long as I feel appropriate, because I feel it is a valuable time capsule. I may continue this blog through college, or I may start another that would better fit my growth as a person, a writer, and an artist. Regardless, I am so grateful to have a place to document and record my teenage years. I intend to make great use of this space as I wrap up my senior year.

I have finished the last of my college applications and I find myself counting down the days till graduation. Less than one hundred school days now. Less than one hundred mornings to wake up to at six A.M. I am suddenly ready to take the next step. I find myself awaiting my uncertain future with open arms. I seek a big city. I hope I can somehow stumble upon the perfect opportunity that would allow me to attend art school.

This summer will be the best of my life, though it feels so far away. I have a deathly case of wanderlust and senioritis, and I feel nostalgic for the future. I miss things I have never had and I cherish the things I will undoubtedly miss. I am soaking up every moment, but I am ready.

I seek change.

xx, Maddie

2011, Auld Lang Syne.

2011-12-31T17:00:00.002-06:00

New Year's Eve has always been one of my absolute favorite holidays. I love the lack of expectation that comes with the day--the care-free smiles and parties, laughter and champagne, and the inevitable wave of nostalgia. So many other holidays have such high expectations. On Valentine's Day, you're expected to be in love or be miserable. At Christmas time, so many people concern themselves with the commercial and then complain that it "just doesn't feel like Christmas," but New Year's Eve is effortless, a breath of fresh air.

2011 has been the greatest year of my life, which I can claim with absolute certainty. I have been given wonderful opportunities and I have spent it surrounded by the people I love most. Last year at midnight, my friends and I made a toast to "the best year of our lives" that would indefinitely unfold, and as we clinked glasses and laughed, it felt sincere. Tonight, I will celebrate the arrival of 2012 in an identical fashion, though the kids behind those glasses of sparkling cider are now adults, ready to face the world. Brave, yet scared out of their wits. We have grown up.

I look forward to 2012 with great anticipation. It will bring some of the biggest changes and challenges of my life so far. I will move out of my family's home and into a college--not to mention, I'll have to choose a college. I will spend a week in Switzerland and Italy, exploring and rediscovering my soul. I will graduate high school. I will see my friends scatter in all different directions. I will love, laugh, cry, paint, create, and rediscover.

2011, you've been kind.

Happy New Year.

xo, Maddie

Full of Life.

2011-12-25T22:30:00.001-06:00

I am full. Full of life. After months of apathy and melodramatic listlessness I have finally found contentment once again. I am making plans to visit Switzerland and Italy this summer on pennies I have earned and saved. I have spent the last week with my family, loving them wholeheartedly and truly appreciating their presence; I realize this is the last year I will be living at home and I want each second to count. I am so blessed to be alive and surrounded by so many amazing people.

I want to travel, exploring every country and continent. I want to live off a terrible waitressing gig and spend my nights in Parisian cafes, reading Plath and Woolf. I want to lay on my back in a wide open field, gazing at the stars through tear-filled eyes because the universe is so inexplicably beautiful. I want to listen to music that blows my mind. I want to choose a college that suits me, spending my four years studying art and politics and poetry. I want to wander, my belongings folded neatly in an old canvas backpack, walking calmly alongside my bicycle. I want to take photographs that push people to the verge of tears. I seek to capture fleeting, organic moments that we all seek to remember, mentally bookmarking the memories with care and constant, overwhelming nostalgia. I want to start each morning with a five mile run, stopping by the florist on the way home. Burning my tongue on black coffee, I will awaken my soul with caffeine and current events scrawled across the daily newspaper in typical editorial typography. I want to eat natural foods that nurture my body. I want to love recklessly and carefully, disregarding outside influence or opinion.

I am alive. I am alive. I am alive.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

xo, Maddie

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

2011-12-24T17:39:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas Eve, readers. I know I have neglected this blog as my life gets increasingly busy, but I really want to thank each and every one of you for reading over the years. I promise to post more frequently this year.

I'm listening to Christmas carols, and the seasonal nostalgia has finally hit me. It truly feels like Christmas. It feels so unbelievable that next Christmas, I will be coming home from college to celebrate. I'm going downstairs now to eat lasagna with my family and attend a Christmas Eve service at our church.. I hope you all have a truly magical Christmas. Holiday blessings from my heart to yours.

xo, Maddie

Because These Things are Certain.

2011-11-28T17:30:00.003-06:00

These were part of a conceptual self-portrait exploration I completed about a month ago. I wanted to explore the idea that the people we are in each moment are shaped by our experiences and interactions, no matter how insignificant. These experiences create a new skin, forming a mask of sorts, so that our most raw and honest self is never truly visible. The mask of experiences is not fake or purposeful, and it is not any less a part of who we are--it resembles us because it is a definite part of us, but we will never be at the pure level at which we began.

I also thought it was an interesting way to show our personal limitations. We are assigned such a limited understanding of who we are individually. I began to explore this idea after reading The Bell Jar and digesting a particular quote in which she [Sylvia Plath] says,

"I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones, and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."

Whenever I find myself engulfed in stress, I find it helpful to write out facts about positive things relevant to my current situation that I know to be certain. I am trying not to drown in the (over-dramatized and probably-not-that-bad) stress of an upcoming sociology test, history assignment, college application deadline, art project, and youth in government convention. For instance...

I have dyed my hair a deep dark shade of brown. My new size-smaller-skinny-jeans are beginning to feel baggy. I will leave Thursday morning for a wonderful weekend spent discussing and debating politics. I have very little left to complete for all of my college applications. Everything will turn out alright no matter what. I am surrounded by people I love and a family that supports me. I feel healthy and alive. I am packing red lipstick and blazers for my political weekend. Things are coming together.

Things are coming together. Because these things are certain.

xo, Maddie

All of My Days.

2011-11-24T22:30:00.002-06:00

In the back of my school's cafeteria, a digital clock rests under the balcony. Red numbers scroll constantly across the screen, counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until my graduation. Each day as I walk absent-minded back to my classes, the red numbers catch my eye and my chest jumps. The days have fallen into the one-hundreds now, and as the seconds rapidly decrease, I mentally scan over my ever-growing to-do list. There is something so terrifying about the speed of time. Every single second seems wasteful, even at my happiest.

In a little over nine months, I will be living on my own, most likely hours away from my closest friends and family. Today was my last Thanksgiving living at home. Next year, I'll have come back home from college. It scares me and excites me how quickly things change and time passes.

Since I have been an awful blogger, I'll catch you up on my life as of lately. I have worked endlessly on college applications and have applied to seven or so art schools around the country. I bought tickets to see Florence and the Machine live in two weeks, and I am attempting to get press passes. Courtney and I are preparing issue five of Missfits. I am saving for a trip to Greece and Italy this summer. I have been hired as a sales representative for a local photography studio. I spent Halloween dressed up as Snow White. I am indescribably excited for Christmas. I am going to dye my hair a very dark shade of brown. I've lost fifteen pounds. Tomorrow is my first day as a vegetarian.

It is so strange how much can happen in a little under a year..

I can only strive to appreciate and enjoy every moment that I'm given.

I am recklessly happy.

xo, Maddie.

All photos were taken by me.

A Rebirth of Identity.

2011-10-10T21:30:00.000-05:00

They stop telling you to dream once you wake up to the reality of adulthood.

When you’re young, you are bombarded with encouraging messages, pats-on-the-back, “Hang in there, baby” posters of kittens, and teachers who encourage you to reach for the stars. It trickles down through the very beginning of high school, and as you fill out career aptitude tests that supply you with an overwhelming amount of options, you are told to take your time. “You can have it all! Anything you would like to be, you can be it.”

You blink your eyes and suddenly, it’s senior year. Suddenly the take-your-time’s turn intomake-your-decision-the-clock-is-ticking. College applications form a towering stack and all you really want to do is to search out those old dreams. Everything you seemed so passionate about—so inspired by—seems to have slipped through your fingertips. The endless possibilities have turned into financial conflicts; we live in a world where your lifestyle seems limited to your pocketbook.

I want to find the girl inside of me who gazed in wonder at city lights and faced the world without fear. I want that passion to return to me—to know, without question, what I am meant for. I want to live in a world where traveling seems feasible. I want to wander through European streets and write. Scribbling madness with great fervor into a worn-out journal, encapsulating every experience, every second. I want to paint without worrying about color theory and composition. To write without analyzing grammar. I want to love without worrying about meeting expectations or falling short of what seems acceptable.

I want to tell my peers that dreaming without limits carries no expiration date. I want to live in a world where perpetual imagination is encouraged.

These are the thoughts of lately and soon. These are the things that keep me awake in a reality where I find it difficult to recognize the face in the mirror. Sometimes I feel like I must have slept through the last few years of my life. The people around me seem almost like strangers, though none more unknown than myself. I want to rediscover who I am. A rebirth of identity.

I simply seek clarity.
xo, Maddie.

Missfits Magazine: Issue 4!

2011-09-11T19:00:00.001-05:00

We are so happy to share the latest issue of Missfits with all of you. Check it out & like us on facebook!

xo, Maddie

Let the only sound be the overflow.

2011-09-07T20:00:00.000-05:00

Without the risk of sounding like a complete and utter dork, let me just say--I am in love with my life. The past few years I have spent my afternoons practically chained to my desk, groggily pushing through mountains of homework with a frazzled and exhausted demeanor. Now each day seems to bring a new adventure. I am in love with week night evenings spent reading beautiful books and drinking pumpkin spice beverages (I won't stop talking about pumpkin spice with great excitement until they replace it with coconut for spring and summer).

There is something so comforting about having people in your life who are willing to listen. Unconditional love and acceptance continue to bring joy into my life, and I am so blessed to know and love the people I do.

This weekend is the Homecoming dance, & as a senior, I feel it my obligation to attend for the last time. I have a fantastic polka-dot (what else would you expect?) dress picked out, and I can't wait to attend with some of my truly favorite people.

Here's to crisp autumn mornings with the windows rolled down.

xo, Maddie

We shed what was left of our summer skin.

2011-08-30T21:30:00.000-05:00

Polina Sova by Jason Ell / Stylist Magazine

I am at a crossroads. I am running towards the future and fleeing it in fear. I apologize for my lack of posts-- I have been readjusting myself to the school year and I am slowly beginning to settle back into the routine.

I have been running every evening and eating healthy foods. I have to get eye glasses. I have begun to compulsively chew apple pie gum. My easy classes have become a source of relaxation, yet the empty curriculum makes the days pass all too slow. Huge projects and exciting developments consume my time. I spend Saturdays at my new job as a cashier in a children's bookstore.

Every single second seems reckless, almost wasteful. I haven't any idea what to do with my life or where I want to go. Sometimes I just want to rest for a long period of time. Months of peace, hibernation. Apart from anyone but myself, meditating and discovering who it is that I am. I think it is ridiculous that we are expected to choose a career at such a young age and commit to it for all our lives. I have higher expectations. I fear the ticking time bomb, the moment where those expectations are shattered for a twisted, grown-up reality. I am growing tired of the same old pain, relentless. I am growing tired of fighting it off.

It isn't to say that I am unhappy. More thoughtful and somber, if you will. These weekends pass peacefully and quickly, full of moments of raw existence. Thrilled to be alive.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

Maddie

Return to Academia.

2011-08-17T19:30:00.001-05:00

Today was my last first day of school and the beginning of my senior year. I have mostly easy classes this year, which will be such a nice change from previous years. In fact, my schedule basically consists of sociology, english, history, and art classes. To be completely honest, I feel a bit guilty for taking such easy classes. But at the same time, I want to take advantage of the free time. I've decided to completely devote myself to my art classes and spend any free time creating art, reading, running, or napping. This will be the year I apply for colleges, and I really want to figure out who I am and where exactly I'm going.

It seems so odd that summer is over. It was honestly one of the best summers of my entire life, and it seemed like school had been out forever. It felt like a really wonderful dream, and this morning we had to wake up to reality. As my alarm clock went off, it felt like the long months of vacation had been nothing but a short weekend. It's strange how the perspective of time changes.

Enjoy the video. These were my favorite memories made set to the brilliant new Coldplay single (so stoked for their new album)!

xo, Maddie.

August Break: Day One.

2011-07-31T16:24:00.003-05:00

I decided that it would be easier to post once at the end of each week with the photos from each day rather than posting daily. Today, however, I wanted to kick off the program. This morning I enjoyed a cup of coffee from my favorite mug and the company of a wonderful new book called Anthropology of an American Girl. I was worried that it would be full of cliches and gender roles, but it is actually a fantastic confrontational + relatable book.

Enjoying the sound of silence.
xo, Maddie.

The August Break 2011.

2011-07-29T15:30:00.000-05:00

I wanted to take a moment to explain a few things. First of all, I know that my writing has been sparse this summer, but I can explain this by assuring you all that the time off has been spent rejuvenating and running around, partaking in summertime activities. Nonetheless, I apologize for my absence. But there are a few things I've been needing to catch you up on lately.

August Break 2011. I have been feeling completely drained as of recently. As I described in my previous post, I am elated, yet at the same time, exhausted. I have decided that it would be good for me to take a small break from the internet. My good friend Audrey sent me a link to The August Break 2011, and it sounded perfect for me. Basically, I am going to be blogging a single photograph each day. I may accompany it with some words, or I may not. I generally post a back to school intentions post sometime in August as well as a Style Manifesto, but I think I'm going to give myself some time to really think these things through and post them in early September. I hope you can understand.

Other than these photo posts + tweeting via my phone, I will be completely disconnected from the internet (besides attending to things for Missfits, which isn't really an option). I cannot wait. I am going to use this time to eat naturally + really think about the things I'm taking in. I'm also going to partake in a serious organizational purging to clean my room + really decide what I need and what I can part with. I'm also going to try to sketch and write a little each day. A friend of mine recently showed me the 750 words project, which sounds perfect. I want to read the dozens of books collecting dust on my bookshelf. I want to stretch and exercise and feel powerful in my own strength. In short, I am ready for a major lifestyle cleanse.

Thank you for understanding.

xo, Maddie

All Things Go.

2011-07-27T23:30:00.000-05:00

It's wanting to run away and start anew, yet still holding onto the threads that create your treasured reality. I have never felt such a strong desire to throw a few things into a suitcase and drive to somewhere I have never been before. To become anonymous in a city unknown and unexplored. Yet I am running, fleeing the change that is predestined to arrive at any moment. I'm spending every possible second with my friends and holding on to these precious memories in the making. I am terrified of losing them. I've never been so afraid and yet so restless and alive.

I drove home past midnight the evening of my birthday, thinking over the day's events. I had just parted with my friends after one of the greatest nights of my life. As I smiled and replayed the minutes and freshly painted memories in my mind, I burst into tears. Relentless.

I am both the happiest and the saddest I have ever been. I am ready for the change and the growth that inevitably awaits me, yet I am chasing after my childhood, reaching and hoping to grasp any remaining time.

I want to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to tell you how much you have shaped my world; how much influence your simple friendship has had over my life. I want to share my whole universe with you.

This is the hardest thing that I will face. I will face each day in appreciation and I will live.

xo, Maddie

Seventeen.

2011-07-23T00:00:00.002-05:00

I have exactly ten minutes left as a sixteen-year-old. I'm listening to Sweet Sixteen by Hilary Duff like a complete and utter dork, enjoying the relevance of the lyrics for one last time. Seventeen. Approaching my senior year with real life responsibilities and opportunities. Doors opening left and right as I leave others behind.

It is so strange to think about myself at this time last year. I have grown an unbelievable amount throughout these last twelve months--I have changed both in appearance and mindset. The fifteen-almost-sixteen-year-old me of last summer seems almost unrecognizable. So young.

Sixteen was one of the greatest years of my life. I feel so incredibly blessed by the things I have experienced, the people I have met, the opportunities I have been given, and the memories I have made. If seventeen is even remotely close to the magic of sixteen, I cannot wait.

There is something so strange about growing up. My friends and are I facing the time of our lives. The gateway to our futures in which we must face our perpetually procrastinated "when-I-grow-up's" and decide which path we'll take to the rest of our lives. This year will bring many milestones as I apply for college, graduate from high school, and experience the pain of leaving old friends behind and greeting the new.

Something about birthdays has always scared me, in a way. When I was a little kid, I would always hide in the bathroom before my birthday parties as the guests arrived, crying until my mimi came in to coax me back outside. She would always use a warm washcloth to wipe away my tears and ask me what was wrong, and I always answered, "I am growing up."

Now it is time to face my fears and my forever's-and-ever's with open arms. I am here, and I am ready. Here's to another wonderful year.

Seventeen.

xo, Maddie.

The Verge of Fulfillment.

2011-06-29T20:16:00.003-05:00

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it." Roald Dahl.

Today, I have come to a conclusion. If I am happy, if I make a difference, and if I am surrounded by people that encourage me to grow and become a better version of myself, I am successful.

Something has clicked inside of me. Last week I attended Girls State (a political camp of sorts) and met so many inspiring women. I listened to politicians and strong women encourage me to follow my dreams, and the words stung as if they were meant for my ears alone. This concept of growing up has been eating me alive for months. I am scared to leave, scared to apply for colleges, and I have no idea what I want for my life. But with the combination of last week’s powerful advice and this week’s nonstop creativity, I have hit a turning point, and I have opened a new page. Something has clicked. I have been attending a seven hour intensive painting class at the local art institute this week, working nonstop with disregard to flaws or minor imperfections. Simply pushing through any errors until I finish. It has given me a lot of time to think. Today I left after class + drove around the city until I reached a vegan coffee shop in an old house, art covering the walls. I sat with a good friend of mine and talked about my faith, my philosophies, my goals and hopes. I want to fall in love with God again. I feel so alive.

I drove home listening to Kate Nash’s album My Best Friend is You and heard one verse a bit clearer than the others. She says, “I don’t know how more people haven't gotmental health problems. Thinking is one of the most stressful things I've ever come across, and not being able to articulate what I want to say drives me crazy. I think I should read more books, learn some new words. My sister used to read the dictionary; I'm going to start with that. I'd like to travel. I want to see India and the pyramids, a whale and that race with all the bicycles in France... I like flowers and simplicity. I like compassion and thoughtful gifts. I like being able to shout but I wish I could be quiet. When I'm quiet, people think I’m sad and usually I am. Sometimes when I’m at a busy train station, I feel like putting down my bags and shouting things out, because I’ve got something to say! Don't you want to share the guilt?”

I want to surround myself with talented, creative people. I want to be truly content. I’ve started to gain more self confidence in the realization that there is so much more to life than caring about weight. Obsessing about appearance does nothing for happiness. Kate Makkai says in her poem Pretty, “[This is] about women who will prowl thirty stores and six malls to find the right cocktail dress but haven’t a clue where to find fulfillment or how to wear joy.”

I feel myself growing and changing… My interests are changing. I declare myself a feminist loud and proud and that is the one thing that has remained constant in my belief system, as experiences are changing me. People make assumptions about my beliefs based on that one term—“feminist.” I care about empowerment and positive energy. I don’t believe in being overly political—investing yourself in pointing out every single flaw in society is exhausting and overwhelming. That is pessimism, not feminism. I believe in seeing the good in people. In recognizing the beauty in the grassroots movement, acknowledging the strength we see in each other and pushing ourselves to our fullest potential. I believe feminism is reaching for the opportunities we are presented with, and even those we are not. The only true “glass ceiling” that separates us from following our dreams is the limit we set for ourselves. Do not blame others or the void that is society for your problems, but instead act as if those boundaries do not exist. Always push the envelope until you reach your personal best, and then push harder.

I want to change things. I want to speak to young women and politically active youth and stir them to action. I want to bring tears to the eyes of teenage girls in a college auditorium as so many women did for me last week. I want to smash patriarchy and I want girls to feel beautiful in their own skin. I want to destroy preconceived beauty culture. I want to write powerful words and inspire change.

I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. I have been given so many opportunities and blessings for which I am eternally grateful, and for them, I feel I have a duty to do something with the skillsets they have earned me. I don’t know exactly what that involves yet, but perhaps that is part of the journey. Ally McBeal once said, “I actually like the quest, the search. That’s the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.” I am lost, dazed and confused, and forever watching the world with glittering eyes. I am forever a student.

xo, Maddie

June June June.

2011-06-17T23:45:00.004-05:00

(all photos by me)

This will have to be a quick post of sorts, as I am off to Girls State! (A politics camp, if you will.) I will return next Saturday + hope to post more often upon my return. But for now, I just wanted to give you a peak into my summer adventures so far.

I hope you're all having a wonderful summer! Have a splendid week.

xo, Maddie

Missfits Issue 3: Now Available in Print!

2011-06-13T22:53:00.002-05:00

Missfits' summer issue is now available in print and digital download! You can snag yourself a copy of this deliciously radical + chic publication at Magcloud.com! Click here to add it to your collection--you know you want to!

xo, Maddie

P.S. While we realize the price is a bit expensive, there is unfortunately nothing we can do about it at this time. Until we find a publisher, the price of production tends to be fairly pricey, and we're only actually making a few dollars per issue. Help a girl out?