(photo by Steven Lee via Flickr.com)

“Mary” met Yao while at university. And while a series of misunderstandings eventually got in the way of their relationship, she wrote: “I don’t regret getting to know him and being a small part of his life. I feel that my experience dating him has made me grow as a person.” Thanks for sharing your story, Mary!

—–

I was an undergraduate at an American university, with a large population of Chinese and Indian nationals studying at the university. So, when I met Yao, we were working together on a community service project at the university. Out group consisted of students in our department of the university, most of whom, I already knew from my classes and other activities. But, there wasn’t a single person in the group that knew Yao, or had ever seen him before. I remember thinking that he was really silly because he was really vague about who he was, or where he was hiding. The department within my university churns out about 15-30 undergraduate degrees and about 15 masters/PhD degrees, so you basically know everyone. Yao joked about being an undergraduate student in his 7th year, and other stories that I didn’t believe. I thought that he was funny, and I started to talk to him more. As we were working, he would constantly come and help me, and he asked about my background, where I grew up, etc. When he let me ask questions, he only said that he was from China, and that he moved to the U.S. to earn a PhD.

A few days later, he found me on Facebook, and we started talking. At first, he came on a little strong, basically saying that I was an ideal candidate for his attention and affection, and that we should go on a date. I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t used to men asking me out. I freaked out a bit, and because he asked me to go to a restaurant that only serves meat, I declined respectfully (I’m a vegetarian). However, I was curious about this Chinese man that had showed interest in me and I wanted to know more about him. So, I invited him over for dinner with a bunch of my friends. He insisted on bringing something, and I insisted that he didn’t need to bring anything, because everything was taken care of. Little did I know that I was being a little rude. Anyway, he came over and brought some fermented eggs from the local Asian market, which didn’t go with Italian food, but was an excellent conversation starter, as strange as they were to me at the time. When I was cooking, he wouldn’t sit down, and when there was nothing that he could do to help, he read my friend’s calculus book and he made notes on printer paper to help him with his research, which is apparently the behavior of a dedicated graduate student. Anyway, I thought that his over-willingness to help and work quirky, albeit interesting.

After I moved out of my dorm room and into an apartment, we started to hang out more, and I would always make sure to have at least one other friend around. He was ten years older than me — which felt like a lot for me at the time — and I wasn’t sure how I felt about him yet. One weekend, both of my friends were out of town, and I invited him over to cook dinner, thinking that we were friends, and that he wouldn’t try to make an advance on me. Little did I know that he was planning to do just that. I was completely surprised, and I rejected him out of surprise. He soon left, with a sadness in his eyes that I hadn’t seen before. Of course, I felt awful, but I still didn’t want to lead him on if I wasn’t sure. Anyway, he still wanted to hang out with me as a friend, and we stayed like that, hanging out a couple of times per week for a couple of months. Then, I left the area for about a week to visit my parents. I missed him so much that it was physically painful, so the night that I got back, I let him know, and gave him an invitation, so to speak. The following day, he invited me to a dinner with him and at least 20 of his guy friends (some of them don’t speak English at all). I cannot explain how frightened I was to go to an event with so many people that I didn’t know (to say it lightly, I’m socially anxious and awkward). The thought of meeting that many people at once scared the living shit out of me, so I declined, and said that it would be better if I could meet a few friends at a time. Yao said that such an event would never happen because his circle of friends was so large, and that was the end of it.

After that, I was planning to move out of the country for seven months, and he was moving to another city in the U.S. We didn’t know when we could see each other again, and I suggested that we break it off because I couldn’t handle the pain of not seeing him for seven months, and I thought that it would be better if there wasn’t a commitment between us. When I was abroad, I tried to stay in touch with him, but he wouldn’t answer my emails or messages, until he said that he didn’t want to talk to me anymore. This was devastating to me, to know that I had lost him as a friend completely.

We have since talked, but we are keeping at a distance, because of the hurt that we inflicted upon each other. Now that I have been reading some of your more recent blogs on how a Chinese mane goes about dating a girl and other social norms, I understand his actions and expectations more. I realize now that we could have communicated more so that we understood the expectations of the other. To this day, I don’t regret getting to know him and being a small part of his life. I feel that my experience dating him has made me grow as a person. I hope to give another man a chance when the opportunity arises, whether he is from China, from my hometown, or anywhere in between.

—–

We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love — or out of love — to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.

Fenshou: When Mary Met Yao | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

(Screenshot from http://www.angryasianman.com/)

Since it’s Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month here in the US, I didn’t want to miss this chance to give a shout out to blogs I follow and link to written by Asian men. Since this is by no means an exhaustive list — and I’m always looking for more great reads — please comment in on your favorites so I can add them to my reader!

8Asians. This group blog focused on Asian issues, culture and politics is edited by Asian women (the editor-in-chief is also named Jocelyn — woo-hoo!), but has a lot of Asian men contributing — including Koji’s post countering the usual stereotypes about Asian men’s penis sizes, and this recent addition by Tim on preconceptions based on the way you talk and look.

Angry Asian Man. Phil Yu’s classic blog, described as “Asian America’s most bookmarked blog”, is an empowering must-read for anyone tired of misconceptions about Asian men.

Dave’s New Adventure. David Nghiem has logged almost 6,000 miles on bicycle adventures through Central and South America over two and a half years (which he captured in his book titled Jackfruit). He blogs about bicycle touring and adventure at his website.

Door Half Open. Written by a Chinese American born in Hong Kong and raised in California, he explores identity, Asian American issues and more through some very thoughtful posts — such as this one titled Becoming Asian.

Jeff Yang on the Speakeasy Blog, Wall Street Journal. When I first stumbled upon Jeff’s article exploring the rarity of interracial relationships with Asian men, I became an instant fan. And even better, I can follow his writing at the Wall Street Journal blog. Loved his post back in April titled Why My Immigrant Christian Conservative Dad Supports Same-Sex Marriage.

JT Tran. Also known as the Asian Playboy, JT is a dating coach and pickup artist who has built a reputation on empowering Asian men to attract the non-Asian women of their dreams — and continues his support for the community through his blogs at ABCs of Attraction and AMWW Magazine. Check out his recent four-part series about Asian Stereotypes on ABC’s of Attraction, and Asian Men – 10 Signs She’s Head over Heels for Asian Men @ AMWW Mag. (Full disclosure: I’ve written for the AMWW Magazine, and ABCs of Attraction advertises on my blog.)

Life as an Ordinary Malaysian. Written by a Malaysian Chinese based in Malaysia, this blog covers everything from life and politics in Malaysia to the experience of being Chinese in Malaysia.

The Love Life of an Asian Guy. Ranier Maningding’s blog — subtitled “The Ultimate Guide for Non-Asian Girls Looking For Prince “Charm-Ying” — is super-hilarious, addictive and very smart. How can you resist a guy with posts titled Interracial Dating Q&A #3: Help! My Asian Boyfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me! or Shit White Girls Don’t Know: The Difference Between Dating An Asian vs Asian-American Man.

On (or close to) schedule. Logan Lo, who describes himself as “a struggling NYC-based writer that hopes one day to be a non-struggling NYC-based writer”, muses about anything and everything in his life, but I especially love his recent post on Asian males and White females (with a lovely photo of Logan and his wife!).

Romance of the Chinese Man. A Hong Kong Chinese who goes by the pen name Werther Armand writes about whatever he’s thinking about, but I’ve found his take on student life abroad to be one of the most honest assessments I’ve ever encountered.

Thoughts of a 1.5 Generation. Chinese American Sean writes about anything on his mind, but I’m a huge fan of his recent posts about his wedding and honeymoon in Hong Kong/China (he married a Caucasian American woman). Congratulations to Sean and Lisette! And don’t miss their gorgeous wedding photos.

You Offend Me, You Offend My Family. This is THE leading Asian American pop culture blog and while it’s not exclusively written by Asian men, there are so many influential Asian men writing here — from Philip Wang of Wong Fu Productions to the Fast and the Furious star Sung Kang — that you don’t want to miss it. Also check out their Youtube Channel.

What blogs written by Asian men would you recommend reading?

Saluting Blogs Written By Asian Men | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

Michelle Guo (photo from http://itsmichelleguo.wordpress.com/about/)

For this week’s Ask the Yangxifu column — which features a question from a Chinese-American woman — I decided to turn to Michelle Guo (who was featured in the post I ran a couple of weeks ago called Double Happiness: How One Chinese American Woman Married a Chinese National) for answers. She blogs about expat life in Beijing and social media tips at her site. Thanks to Michelle for stepping in to answer this question!

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E asks:

I’m a 2nd generation Chinese-American, and I’d like to expand my boundaries and look for a possible boyfriend (or husband) in China.

Although most of your posts are aimed primarily at Western women who aren’t Chinese, I was wondering if the same rules applied for Chinese-Americans, or if things get even more complicated from there. I’m afraid that native Chinese people will look down on me for numerous reasons, such as my not being able to speak Chinese (however I am learning Mandarin), my not-typical-Chinese-girl looks (short hair and a naturally more curvy figure), my not-typical-Chinese-girl attitude (I tend to have a more Western mindset, however I do enjoy many Chinese cultural things and am proud of my Chinese heritage), and the fact that my own parents were not born in China.

Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated!

—–

Good for you for stepping out of your comfort zone and being open to a relationship with a Chinese man! I myself am also Chinese-American (my parents immigrated to the US at a young age, and I was born there), and I am approaching my one-year anniversary with my husband, who is from Henan Province in China. I’d say that in a Chinese-American woman/Chinese man relationship you don’t necessarily have more or less complications than other Western women/Chinese men. It’s more like you trade in some complications for others.

Each couple’s situation is different, so I can only speak from my own experience. I’ve actually asked my husband before if he would have married me if I was a Caucasian-American woman. He replied honestly, “Maybe not, because I don’t think I’m physically attracted to Caucasian women.” Then again, he’s also said that he likes that I’m different from traditional Chinese women, particularly that I’m more independent and not super high maintenance. So he basically gets a wife who looks Chinese but has the views and personality traits that he admires in Western women. Lucky guy.

I think the fact that you’re learning Mandarin is admirable and humble, definitely not a reason to look down on you. Cross-cultural relationships are awesome because you end up speaking in your own bilingual language. I wrote about this in my blog post titled “The Language of Love,” where I talked about how my husband and I speak a mix of English and Chinese and it feels like our own secret language. I do realize it’s not actually a secret language and that a billion people in this country can understand at least half of what we’re saying, but it’s fun nonetheless.

I’ve actually talked to a lot of local Chinese guys who prefer curvier bodies over anorexic ones. My husband has told me many times before that in his hometown, they actually prefer to find wives who are tall, have darker skin, and have some meat on their bones. I chose to take that last quality as a compliment. He said that the reason why they want wives who are curvier is so that it’s easier to give birth to a baby. In which case, it would make sense in a lot of places in China that the preference is a curvier body over a stick-thin one if it means you have a better ability to bear children.

Since I’ve never been a non-Chinese Western woman in a relationship with a Chinese man, it’s hard to say whether it’s more or less complicated than being a Chinese-American woman with a Chinese man. I’d say in general, more of the cultural issues you’ll experience will have more to do with differences in thinking and expectations than in how you both look. But one thing I can say for sure, it’s definitely worth it to go out there and give Chinese men (and yourself) a chance.

Michelle Guo blogs about expat life in Beijing and social media tips.

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Do you have a question about life, dating, marriage and family in China/Chinese culture or Western culture? Send me yours today.

Ask the Yangxifu: Chinese-American Woman Seeking Boyfriend/Husband in China | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

(Screenshot from http://theyreallsobeautiful.com/)

Last month, commentator Eugene Tsui posed this fascinating question in a post on They’re All So Beautiful (the companion website to the documentary Seeking Asian Female):

I don’t see the question posed, of why there are so few Chinese men, with “white” women? This is left out?

What do the Chinese women have to say about that? And what do “white” men, who are married to Chinese women, have to say about that? I don’t hear their opinions about Chinese men with white women?

Of course, when he says “This is left out?” he’s referring to the fact that the documentary — and its companion website — don’t really address the disparity he mentions. But I think that could easily apply to most situations when people discuss yellow fever.

Usually, we only look at one side of the equation — the preponderance of couples of Western men and Asian women, and the Asian fetish that may drive some of these men to seek Asian women as partners. But yet, the fact that you don’t see many couples of Western women and Asian men is somehow related to this whole discussion. Because after all, if it was just as easy for Asian men and Western women to get together as it is for Asian women and Western men, then I never would have wrote about the rarity of AMWF relationships in China.

So Eugene is totally right — why aren’t we talking about this more?

The answer to that is probably something as simple as this — because AMWF couples are still in the minority. Or it could be that we’re just too busy/distracted with the whole Asian fetish phenomenon on the other side.

But either way, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop asking why — and demanding more answers.

What do you think?

Why Aren’t We Talking More About The Rarity of AMWF? | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

(photo by Ognid via Flickr.com)

“Jane” (not her real name) wrote that she hopes this one Chinese man will forgive her for her mistakes and missteps. And while I feel she’s very hard on herself, her story might give you a different insight into why some cross-cultural relationships in China don’t work out.

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I first met Tony at a party. It was a language exchange party with native Chinese and native Finnish speakers. I was neither, being an English girl. Tony was from Jilin.

Before I continue I feel it necessary to explain that I suffer from social anxiety, so it is very possible that my interpretations of his behaviour were wrong. That said, long story short, he was fun, funny and flirtatious, which was surprising to me because I was a victim of brain-washing (much to my shame I must admit flirtatiousness was not something I associated with Chinese men). A few weeks later, after much angst, I received a long- awaited, eagerly-received invite to have coffee.

It was evident to me that this brilliant man of 25 was suddenly nervous — a shadow of the outgoing, cheeky man I met at the party. I did not mind however. We talked and he said he’d never had a girlfriend before, but had had sexual encounters. I had had a boyfriend, but no sex. It was after this that things went downhill. I panicked and tried to overcompensate. He retreated further into his shell. I complimented him, but he just looked away. I began to feel that he too was suffering from anxiety. The worst thing was my careless comment, “But you’re so sophisticated”, in response to his telling me that he came from a poor village with no running water. It was a prejudice I was not even aware I had. And though I apologised profusely as soon as I’d said it and meant it, feeling utterly ashamed of my ignorance, I think the damage had been done.

We left the coffee shop. At the bus station he said, “See you next time,” and hugged me. My Western-dating-culture-filled head was confused.
“What?” He said.
“Nothing, I was just expecting something else,” I replied, such as a kiss.
“I’m Chinese,” he said. He hugged me again and then quite literally ran away, although he might have just wanted to catch the bus.

Needless to say he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I never heard from him again. I was mortified by my behaviour so it wasn’t a surprise that this charming, highly intelligent, lovely man was put off. I wish I could have done things differently, as he seemed such a lovely person. Sadly my anxieties, worries and unknown prejudices blocked my own path to finding a relationship with this extraordinary individual. I hope he can forgive me and find someone worthy of his love.

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We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love — or out of love — to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.

Fenshou: “I Hope He Can Forgive Me” | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

If you couldn’t get a “Brad Pitt” to date you in your home country, why do you think you somehow deserve nothing less than his standard of men because you’re in China? (photo by Juanky Pamies Alcubilla via Flickr)

Recently, a reader wrote the following to me:

I remember when I was back in [city in China] I was with a large group of Westerners for our orientation and a lot of us got to talking about potentially starting relationships in China. There was one American girl, who was very pleasant but kind of heavyset and nothing special to look at, who said she wouldn’t settle for anything less than Jay Chou or a local Chinese rapper we knew who was modelesque stunning. Another man on our orientation, who is fifty years old though not bad looking, also said he would only go for girls between the ages of 25-30 who were “drop dead gorgeous.”

From what I could gather from talking to these two individuals, they didn’t have the same attitude about dating Western people. When it came to dating Western men, the aforementioned American girl wouldn’t entertain the idea of looking for a Brad Pitt and so too with the older man. It got me wondering why, when it comes to dating, Western people feel a certain sense of entitlement with Chinese people that they wouldn’t otherwise feel with other Western people.

…Personally, when I walk down the street and see a stunning Chinese guy I of course ogle, but I also think to myself ‘He’s totally out of my league’, which I would also do back in [Western country]. Yet some of the girls I was with don’t seem to think that way.

As astonishing as this is, I’m not entirely surprised there are foreigners who actually believe these things. The “Charisma Man” phenomenon across Asia that foreign men experience makes them feel as if they are the next Brad Pitt. Meanwhile, foreign women — especially white women — are often showered with compliments about their appearance (something I experienced once in a beauty salon). And overall the fact that China still believes “foreign is better” means that foreigners of all genders — especially white foreigners — feel as if they’re standing on a pedestal compared to the locals. So then it’s easy to think, “hey, these people aren’t my equals because I’m clearly above them.” And that somehow translates into the idea that you deserve only a “9″ or a “10″ to date in China. It’s what you call social dominance – creating arbitrarily set hierarchies based, in this case, on ethnicity and/or race.

But I don’t care how much you can rationalize it — in my book, it’s just wrong.

I’m glad the reader doesn’t share those ideas, and she’s not alone. I remember when I first came to China and found myself falling in love with a Chinese man. Like the reader, I considered him completely out of my league — something I captured in this excerpt from my post titled Chinese Men Are Sexy:

In October, 1999, it was as if I’d finally met my long lost locker pinup guy in the flesh. A sullen, James Dean type in a black leather jacket with a perfect ass. The kind of guy that made cliches like “tall, dark and handsome” drip from your mouth. It didn’t matter that he was spoken for, with a modelesque girlfriend that seemed worlds (and heavens) away from the mortal girl I was. He drove me so crazy, I spent weeks taking cold showers and long bicycle rides just to cool down.

We ended up dating for a while, though our relationship ended months after he left China. But when I look back on our time together, I still can’t believe I dated him.

And I still can’t believe I married John — who is not only handsome but also talented, generous, caring and an amazing human being. He’s the entire package in my opinion, and I never considered him a “sure thing” just because I happened to be American and he happened to be Chinese.

So when I think about these foreigners the reader wrote of and their sense of entitlement when it comes to dating Chinese, I feel they’re entitled to nothing more than a good kick in the butt.

Foreigners Who Think They’re Entitled To Date The Hottest Chinese? | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

I’m on deadline this week, a time when I am marshaling all my inner strength to continue the good fight. So I thought, what better than to run some of my past entries about finding courage as a couple during those tough times in life? Just reading back through these posts really inspires me — and hopefully you’ll find a little inspiration too.

I Stand By My Man, And Yes, He’s Chinese. I couldn’t believe when my friend said how I was “so loyal” for standing by my Chinese husband in the wake of his discrimination. Apparently, “for better or for worse” just didn’t apply.

My Chinese Husband Has Balls. John is shorter, soft-spoken and Chinese — but he has the heart of a hero, and some serious chutzpah.

The Miracle of the “Long March Spirit”. For my Chinese husband and I, our fight is far from over. But we’ll keep marching together, and that’s a real miracle.

I’ll be back on Monday with some fresh content!

From the Archives: Finding Courage During Tough Times | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

(photo by spike55151 via Flickr.com)

Dear Readers,

I am entangled in what might perhaps be the biggest fight of my life. Once again, discrimination has descended upon our lives and it rears its ugly head, threatening to take away something we’ve worked so hard to achieve over all of these years.

I can’t write much more in detail than that, though I can say I’m incredibly scared. I think I’ve never felt more frightened in my entire life. But I believe in my husband, I believe in moral power, and I believe we can succeed if we just keep fighting and moving forward.

Why am I sharing this? Because I also believe in something else — the power of admitting you’re in a crisis. I thought, maybe you can help empower both of us — by simply reading this, and offering your sign of support in the form of a comment…or sharing this entry…or even just writing me an e-mail to say you’re on our side.

There are some days when I feel like I’m about to crumble under the pressure. So knowing you’re out there — and you care — will mean the world to me. In the meantime, we’ll never stop fighting.

Will you stand with us?

We Need Your Support | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

Alex and Michelle Guo visiting San Diego, California, USA (photo courtesy of Michelle Guo)

Chinese American Michelle Guo — a fellow blogger and personal friend — shares her story of how she went to China and ended up marrying Alex, a man from Henan Province.

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Four years ago when I first came to Beijing, locals asked me what brought me back to China. The question always threw me off, since I was born in Portland, spent most of my life in California, and had never been to China before. I’m Chinese-American and was raised by my mom, who is anything BUT a traditional Chinese parent. My values, thinking, and culture are very Western, which is why I assumed that whoever I married, no matter what ethnicity, would also be American, or at the very least a Westerner.

Sometimes it’s really, really nice to make the wrong assumption.

My first year in Beijing, I did a 6-month internship at an international hotel. On one of my first days there, I noticed an incredibly handsome guy in the staff cafeteria. I asked my friend Lily about him, and she said he worked in the hotel’s Western restaurant. Conveniently enough, I had a two-week rotation coming up in the Western restaurant. Also convenient was my friendship with the Human Resources guy who planned my schedule. I managed to convince him to change my rotation to one month instead of just two weeks. Some may call it manipulation; I call it creating opportunities.

Alex and Michelle visiting his hometown in Henan Province (photo courtesy of Michelle Guo)

During this time, unknown to me, Alex’s parents were trying to set him up with numerous girls from his hometown in Henan Province. He was about 24 years old at the time, and in his parents’ minds, he should have been married by then. Alex continually refused to go to these forced meetings, wanting his future wife to be one of his own choice.

We got to know each other slowly in groups during my one-month rotation. To be honest, I had no idea if he liked me because it was never obvious and incredibly hard to tell. Although, having talked to him about it since then, I realized that in his mind it was pretty clear that he was interested, even though he never actually told me. At the end of that month, he finally got my number from a mutual friend and texted me. I found out during our texting session that he liked to read. Lightbulb! Opportunity for a first date! “I’m going to Haidian Park tomorrow morning to read. Do you want to join me?” I asked him. Truth was, I had no plans, especially not to read in the frostbite-inducing cold of Beijing’s winter.

The next morning, I showed up at the park and found Alex waiting for me. It was the perfect romantic setting. The snow had just fallen and had covered the park with an untouched, peaceful look. I had brought a book to keep up pretenses, but we ended up walking around the trails, chatting for four blissful hours.

Alex proposes to Michelle in a Beijing subway station (photo courtesy of Michelle Guo)

Though I went home two months after we started dating, I ended up coming back to Beijing after being home for only 6 months. I had no job and no apartment when I came back, but I knew that I wanted to be in the same city as Alex as our relationship developed. After two and a half years together, my handsome Chinese man proposed to me on my birthday, dressed head-to-toe in a Winnie the Pooh costume and down on one knee in the middle of the Beitucheng subway station. Best. Birthday. Ever.

We got married in Alex’s village in a traditional ceremony, complete with me riding around in a red palanquin (that part was actually my idea – arriving in an Audi is overrated). My traditional wedding surprised everyone I knew, including myself. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Who else can say they made a grand entrance at their wedding to the epic theme song from Pirates of the Caribbean while bubbles and confetti exploded around a giant arch?

Michelle and Alex on their wedding day (photo courtesy of Michelle Guo)

Our relationship is still a really interesting dynamic. From the outside, we look like any other local Chinese couple. Many times we are reminded that just because we are ethnically from the same culture doesn’t mean that we are similar in our thinking and expectations. It has definitely challenged my own thinking and the things I take for granted. I explained the concept of anniversaries to Alex when we first started dating, and even though I don’t care too much about them, he still remembers every single month and will buy me roses (which I promptly kill within a day) for special anniversaries.

One of the things that first attracted me to Alex was his intelligence. He loves to read (even more than me, which is saying a lot!), and I’m a bit ashamed to say that he often knows more about current US news than I do. Though I’ve heard stereotypes of chauvinistic Chinese men who expect women to do all the household chores, the truth is that my husband spends more time doing laundry and cleaning the floor than I do — which motivates me to do more cleaning to keep up. I’d say that my favorite thing about us is that laughter is ever-present in our relationship. The ability to be silly and laugh about the most insignificant things has the power to transcend and connect all cultures, and brings the two of us closer together as each day in our married life passes by.

Michelle Guo blogs about expat life in Beijing and social media tips.

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We’re looking for a few good stories from Chinese men and Western women in love — or out of love — to share on Fridays. Submit your original story or a published blog post today.

Double Happiness: How One Chinese American Woman Married a Chinese National | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国

Author Dana Sachs (photo by Cornel Faddoul)

Of all the memoirs by Western women who loved Asian men (and wrote about it), The House on Dream Street by Dana Sachs remains one of my favorites. The writing is exquisite, but more importantly she shares her own vulnerabilities on the page and becomes one of the most delightful narrators I’ve ever encountered.

So imagine my excitement when I discovered that Dana came out with a new novel this year called The Secret of the Nightingale Palace featuring not one, but two stories about Asian men and white women falling in love. The romance at the heart of this novel — which relates to its intriguing title — just stole my heart away. Plus, the book explores a side of World War II that we all too often forget — the US internment of Japanese Americans.

I’m thrilled and honored to have this opportunity to interview Dana Sachs about The Secret of the Nightingale Palace.

Dana is also the author of  the novel If You Lived Here and the nonfiction narrative The Life We Were Given: Operation Babylift, International Adoption, and the Children of War in Vietnam, and co-authored the book Two Cakes Fit for a King: Folktales from Vietnam along with Nguyen Nguyet Cam and Bui Hoai Mai. Both The House on Dream Street and If You Lived Here were chosen as Book Sense Picks.

You can learn more about Dana by visiting her website, her Facebook fan page, or her Twitter stream.

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Could you talk about your inspiration — if any — for the Asian male love interests in the book?

Well, not specifically! That sounds like the kind of thing we need to do in person, over coffee or margaritas. But I can speak in a general way. As a writer, I’m drawn toward Asian characters for several reasons. First, because I’ve spent so much time living in Asia, particularly in Vietnam, I feel comfortable writing about that part of the world and, to a certain extent, people from there. Second, each time I have an opportunity to introduce a new character, I think about ways to make that character interesting and, just as important, to make the interaction between several characters interesting as well. When characters come from different background, they have qualities that can be mysterious or even confounding to each other. In my own experience, that’s one of the fascinating things about travel—you meet different kinds of people and you face the challenge of trying to understand each other. Since I’ve spent so much time in Asia, that’s a natural direction for me to move in.

Henry, one of the Asian love interests, struck me as the sexiest guy in the entire book — which you really don’t see often enough in books or the media. Overall, it was refreshing to see Asian men written without all the usual stereotypes thrown in. Could you talk about how you approached the characterization of these Asian men — and what you hoped to accomplish through the characters?

Well, I do try to stay away from stereotypes, but more than that I’m focusing on doing two things at once. First, you can’t forget the qualities that make each person unique. Second, you have to focus on the fact that they are human, too. Each person is at the center of their own world, which means that their perspective has to have a logic to it that feels authentic. For example, Naveen is an Indian American, but the “Indian” part of his identity sometimes dominates the way people see him the United States. Even though he was born in the U.S., he has to deal with people asking him “where are you from?” simply because he has dark skin. So his experience in the world is affected by how people perceive him when he walks down the street. Similarly, when Henry, a Japanese-American, walks through San Francisco during World War II, he feels the resentment of the Caucasians around him. He can’t escape it, so that experience has to be central to how he sees himself in the world, the choices he makes, and his joys and frustrations. Writing about people who are different from yourself is an exercise in empathy.

What inspired you to set this story during WWII and highlight the Japanese-American experience during that time?

I think that when Americans talk about WWII, our attention generally moves toward Europe. What happened to the Japanese in this country, however, complicates our easy sense of who were the “good guys” and “bad guys” during that time. The United States, I believe, was fighting on the right side of the war, but also making terrible ethical mistakes here at home. In what ways were we blinded by our own fear? At what point do those fears make us do the wrong things? Those questions interest me.

The novel you feature a number of conversations about stereotypes and prejudices, particularly during the part of the novel set in World War II. Could you talk about the research you did to understand how people would have talked about race/ethnicity back then, and what you did to make those conversations as authentic as possible?

Because I’m Jewish, and have heard stories about my family back then, I had some ideas about how Jewish Americans might think about what was happening in Europe at that time. I believe that each person’s reaction comes out of their unique perspective as an individual, though. When Goldie, a Jew, and Henry, a Japanese American, talk about the war, their conversation says a lot about who they are as individuals. Henry is very engaged, while Goldie, in a way, tries ignore what’s happening. That’s really just who they are as people. As for research, books were great in helping me understand complex issues. Often, though, the primary documents had the most powerful effect on me. For example, the anti-Japanese wartime posters of the period were supposed to be funny, I guess, but they are appallingly racist. Also, I read the U.S. government directives about the internment of Japanese Americans after Pearl Harbor. Because I already had the characters of Henry and his family in my head, I tried to read those directives from their points of view and the effect is terrifying. That kind of research certainly helped.

What message or messages do you hope people come away with after reading your book?

Oh, that’s a hard question. One of the things that I keep coming back to, though, is the fact that this is a book about secrets—the secrets we keep from the people whom we love and, also, the secrets that we keep from ourselves. We’ve all heard family stories that seem confusing or somehow incomplete. In what ways did our parents and grandparents keep information from us, either for our own good or to protect themselves? Similarly, how do we lie to our children or try to control the ways in which they see their family and the world? I think these are important questions to consider. On another level, all of my books have represented an effort, in one way or another, to look at the ways in which we as human beings try, and often fail, to understand each other. Personally, I see this most obviously in the troubles that arise between people of different backgrounds and races, but even sisters and brothers can fail to relate. I keep coming back to that in my work because I think I’m always trying to sort through it myself.

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My thanks to Dana Sachs for this interview about her latest novel The Secret of the Nightingale Palace. And if you’re new to Dana’s work, don’t miss The House on Dream Street — her lovely memoir about living in Vietnam in the 1990s and her unlikely love affair with a Vietnamese man.

Dana Sachs Interview: The Secret of the Nightingale Palace | Speaking of China - One Western woman with a Chinese husband writes about love, family and relationships in China 洋媳妇看中国