Before reviewing the articles from the last six months since the last review, I would like to quickly thank everyone who has read, shared and commented on any of my articles so far. Notable regular readers and contributors include Elena (if you’re a dog-lover then make sure you check out her website ‘Too Kool Doggies’), Joan, Eva, Pyrax, Dean, Fluffosaur/Starsparkle, Jon, some cute Canadian chick I know and everyone else!!

Without further ado, here are all the articles from the last six months…

The first six month review can be found HERE.

Relationship and dating articles:

The number one relationship killer (4 comments)

This article outlines the one thing that leads to the downfall of most modern relationships. It is the dominant factor for almost all of the conceivably bad things that can happen in one. You’ll have to click on the link to find out what it is!

Approach a woman and fall in love – The story of how I met Heidi (7 comments)

As the title describes, this is the story of the unique way that I met my long-term girlfriend Heidi several years ago. It is also a unique article in the fact that it is the first time I have invited a guest-writer to contribute… After I tell my side of the story, Heidi gives her take on events, so you get a detailed insight into how men and women react differently when first meeting in this way.

Topics to avoid with your girlfriend or boyfriend (5 comments)

Whilst this article does give three clear topics to accompany the title, it may require some prior reading of some of my previous articles written on ‘the ego’ to be fully understood. This article contains far from strict advice but is useful for people who feel they must know every little detail about their partner and their partner’s past.

Using Kegel exercises to improve sexual performance (8 comments)

This article introduces a wildly misunderstood sexual practice that can be used to improve sexual performance. It goes into brief detail about what Kegel exercises are, how they can improve sexual performance and then most importantly, how to actually do the exercises.

Lying in a relationship (11 comments)

This article explains three different types of lying, the reasons why people lie in relationships and then discusses some pressing consequences surrounding these. There is also an interesting video linked to by Elena amongst the discussions in the comments section about techniques for spotting lies.

Is going on a break good or bad? (8 comments)

This article lists a few common reasons for wanting to go on a break and then discusses some of the practical and psychological issues surrounding the topic. A worthwhile read if the topic is relevant, or potentially relevant to you.

How to get out of the friend zone (7 comments)

This article dissects the psychology behind having romantic feelings for a friend before describing the only reliable techniques to starting a relationship with someone who you are firmly in the ‘friend zone’ with.

A fundamental flaw in dating and why you should never stop meeting people (6 comments)

This article suggests changing your mindset whilst in a relationship so you can be just as sociable as if you were single. This is a useful article to read whatever your current relationship status is.

How likely your partner is to cheat – part 1 (12 comments)

This article is part one of what is, in my opinion, my best article series to date. It gives a detailed account of knowing how likely your partner is to cheat. There are some decent discussions in the comments section too.

How likely your partner is to cheat – part 2 (8 comments)

This is the follow up to the above article and contains an original diagram that can accurately predict how likely your partner is to cheat. This is highly recommended viewing!

The complimenting challenge for both singles and couples (10 comments)

This article introduces a new format in the form of a reader challenge, based around the art of complimenting people. It is not particularly hard or time-consuming to do, yet is very rewarding. Please share your experiences in the comments section.

Sleeping with someone new for the first time (11 comments)

This article explains how men and women differ emotionally when deciding to sleep with someone for the first time, whilst giving general thoughts on how to use these differing feelings to have smoother progressions in any relationships.

Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium (11 comments)

This article introduces some of my most cutting edge theories on love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world. This article is the basis for a lot of upcoming articles I will be doing so it is definitely worth reading.

Can men and women really be just friends? (12 comments)

This article is aimed at invoking reader discussion in the comments section, as everyone has their own opinion on this topic. I do share my own thoughts throughout though.

Dealing with approach anxiety (7 comments)

This article discusses a topic that I became very good at breaking down and dealing with whilst working solely as a dating coach. It contains lots of information about what is an extremely common issue.

10 reasons not to get married (10 comments)

This controversial article gives food for thought towards what has become a tradition in most people’s lives. Read the ten points and then add your thoughts to the comments section at the end.

My personal path to a fulfilling relationship + an exciting update (12 comments)

The main part of this update is the video I created that shows some of my development through meeting lots of people and finally meeting my girlfriend Heidi. The e-book mentioned in this update is still very much in the works and will get finalised and released at some point.

Should I stay or leave my relationship (12 comments)

This is another highly recommended article with lots of insights, reader discussion and a useful diagram.

Valentine’s Day 2010 advice (12 comments)

Every year I am slightly saddened by how little decent advice there is for what may or may not be an important day to you. This article gives some ideas for Valentine’s Day, whether single, in a relationship, or anywhere in between. The advice is applicable for times other than just Valentine’s Day so it is worth checking out.

Compromising in a relationship (6 comments)

This article discusses and breaks down an extremely important aspect of relationships: compromising!

Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory (6 comments)

This article is somewhat related to the previous one but introduces a new theory that is the basis for connecting fully with a partner. There is also useful information related to meeting and interacting with members of the opposite sex if that is relevant to you.

So that wraps up the first year of Sparklife.info. Thank-you once again to everyone who has read, shared and commented on this website during the past year and I assure you the content is going to continue to develop so please spread the word and keep visiting yourself.

Also, I would love to hear what your favourite topics have been so far (or a specific favourite article if you have one) in the comments section below, along with any ideas or suggestions you have to help me make this an even more valuable resource…

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Sparklife.info six month review – every article listed
2. Sparklife.info SWOT analysis
3. Sparklife.info Introduction

The truth is that compatibility is created and we can learn to be compatible with just about anyone.

It is the art of connecting with someone that we base this compatibility supposition on: some people connect with each other far more naturally than others, which is generally how we get into romantic relationships.

It is for this reason, that when a couple come to me, adamant on staying together and working on their relationship, that helping them to connect with each other is the number one priority. If you can positively connect with someone (and I will explain what I mean by positively connecting in this article) then the basis of a fulfilling relationship is already there…

Frame theory in relationships and other interactions:

To segue from meeting someone to building a solid relationship with them, an understanding of the fundamental changes in how to connect and interact effectively at each stage is vital. One way to define these interactions is using ‘frame theory’.

‘Frame’, in the context described here, is a term derived from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a way to analyse human interactions. I have come to define it as ‘the underlying meaning or assumptions of an interaction’. When described like this, it is clear that it is a highly useful concept to understand within romantic relationships.

At a simplistic level, there are two types of ‘frame’: strong frames and weak frames. A strong frame represents someone who is dominant, confident and self-assured, whereas a weak frame represents someone who is submissive, affectionate and overly apologetic. It is common for people to become accustomed solely to one of these types during early social-development.

The problem with frame theory is that its importance and distinction at different stages of developing a relationship varies considerably.

When learning principles of attraction and how to meet people, it is important to understand how to adopt a strong frame that portrays universally attractive traits such as leadership, dominance and all-round confidence. [Related article: This concept is the basis of the behavioural traits outlined in the article ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’]

Most men naturally develop a strong frame as required in this instance; unfortunately, that strong frame is often based around negative beliefs! The conjecture here is that even if a strong frame contains negative beliefs, ANY strong frame subdues a weak frame.

An example of this in practice is when a man approaches a woman with deep-rooted, negative beliefs, such as:

• Women are intimidating
• Approaching strangers is weird and rude
• I won’t be her type
• I will have to act in a predetermined, unnatural way

With overpowering beliefs like this, it is almost as counterproductive as simply having a weak frame and meekly interacting with woman, with the hope that they will do all the hard work and spend the time getting to know you and like you regardless.

Men who get good at attracting women become excellent at leading interactions and flipping any negative frames that are imposed upon them. For example, if a woman tries to test or oppose a man’s apparent confidence, he will know how to turn it around with a stronger frame of his own.

The problem is that this is only applicable in the beginning stages of a relationship. If you carry on with this attitude and setup as a relationship progresses, you will come across as aloof, or worse, insecure! This is the reason why a number of dating coaches I have worked with in the past find it extremely difficult to maintain long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. They are great at attracting women and building the foundations of a relationship but then find it hard to shift their attitude towards the relationship at the correct moment.

Creating a frame of unity in a relationship:

When a relationship becomes mutual, monogamous and loving, the individual frames that we present will become clouded as we start to feel truly connected. This will happen naturally as a couple bond with each other and become comfortable in the relationship. However, even if this is the case, the ingrained attitudes are rarely shifted internally and this inevitably causes problems further into the relationship.

The only way to feel truly connected to your partner is to create a sincere emotional interdependence, where there is no longer a power shift between any of your interactions and hence you create a frame of unity.

This doesn’t mean that you should never disagree or have individual roles in a relationship, but that the underlying assumptions of any of your interactions are always that of mutuality and respect. The recent article ‘Compromising in a relationship’ touches on this dynamic from a slightly different angle.

Every single interaction and emotional request in a relationship is a chance to connect and the most fulfilling outcome in any example is always the one that makes a couple feel connected the most. This is regardless of whether the outcome or decision was the best one in practice or not. This affinity is not necessarily ideal in other interactions in life and that is where people can get confused. Connecting with a romantic partner is different from connecting with anyone else because it is based around intimacy.

It is impossible to positively connect with someone in terms of intimate rapport whilst having conflicting frames, whilst on the other hand, if you have a joint frame of unity, you will ALWAYS connect positively, regardless of any real life content.

Much love,

Sam

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Every healthy relationship needs compromise! Humans are extremely complex and varied creatures, so no matter how suited you feel you and your partner are, you will always have differing opinions on certain things. It is unlikely you will ever have someone who always confidently agrees with you and decidedly wants to do whatever you want to do and let’s be honest, how fun would that actually be! My standard rule for compromising is:

If something doesn’t hurt me or go against my core beliefs and principles then do it.

There is a lot more to a healthy compromise between a couple than this though and this article aims to break it down to its core components…

Compromising in the subconscious mind:

Our subconscious mind deals with most of the day to day responses and emotional feedback that we encounter. This can either be a good thing or a bad thing regarding relationships, depending on how our subconscious mind has been programmed throughout our life experiences and personal development.

A lot of couples feel that they can instinctively come to compromises on a wide variety of topics or issues without much hassle, whilst others find that they disagree on even the pettiest decisions.

The need for compromise occurs so frequently in long-term relationships that most of it does happen subconsciously and isn’t even noteworthy, even if you fall into that second category.

The cause for any unrest that does occur whilst dealing with compromise though, which is also what leads to arguments, is not feeling validated or valued enough in the relationship.

Compromising with a partner is extremely easy to do (even when dealing with really big decisions) if you can overcome and rid yourself of a few of these negative emotional barriers and insecurities.

How to compromise in a relationship:

There are several general points that are useful to adopt whilst compromising with a partner, such as not going back on your word and not making compromises conditionally, where you are expecting something back in return.

Below is a diagram I have made (you can look at it like a simple equation if it makes it easier to understand) and it shows the components that lead to a happy compromise:

Gratification – Hindrance = Appreciation + Mutuality

Gratification:

Gratification in the above diagram relates to how satisfied you are with the outcome of the compromise in question and how much you enjoy pleasing your partner in this way.

Unless you are feeling signs of contempt in your relationship, you should automatically get a deep sense of fulfilment from pleasing your partner and maintaining a relationship of beatitude.

Hindrance:

Hindrance in the above diagram refers to both how much effort it takes for you to compromise on a certain issue and how much that compromise will affect what would be your ideal, personal choice.

If a decision, feeling or action doesn’t directly affect you then any averseness towards fully compromising is almost certainly fuelled by insecurities mentioned previously in this article.

Appreciation:

You can’t force your partner to appreciate any compromises that you make but it is a well known behavioural trait that we are more willing to do things that we feel appreciated or valued for and this goes both ways.

Mutuality:

One of the most common reasons why someone will not compromise with their partner, even if the other factors are met, is that they feel they are supplicating or losing control to their partner if they do.

The actual causes of those feelings are answered elsewhere on this website but you want to feel that the compromise is mutual, is largely a win-win situation and that over time, the degree of compromise from each of you roughly balances out.

There are obviously a vast number of examples of times where a couple would need to compromise with each other. If you have any examples that you would like to share, along with how you solved them, or if you have a specific example that you would like advice on, then please post it in the comments section below.

Much love,

Sam

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This article will share a few ideas for February 14th, whether you are single, in a monogamous relationship, or anywhere in between…

Valentine’s Day if you are single:

A lot of single people try to ignore or steer clear of Valentine’s Day altogether but it is actually one of the best days of the year to meet people of the opposite sex.

The last Valentine’s Day that I was single I went to a bar with a few male friends and it was the most ridiculously easy night to meet women ever! It is reasonable to assume that anyone who is not with someone of the opposite sex is single and you can therefore be far more direct with your approach.

Obviously it depends on your personality and the type of venue you attend but I had a lot of success with role-plays revolving around Valentine’s Day. Things such as approaching a group of females and acting offended that you didn’t receive a card and flowers from them, or simply going up and saying “Happy Valentine’s Day” in a cheeky way will both open up conversations.

Although Valentine’s Day 2010 falls on a Sunday, I’m sure there will still be groups of singles heading out to have fun on what can otherwise be a rather depressing day. If this kind of proactive approach seems scary then there are many organised singles events during Valentine’s weekend in major cities so see what is on and get involved!

One other fun thing that I just remembered was a few years ago on Valentine’s Day when I sent every female in my phone a text message saying “thanks for the flowers ‘secret admirer’ ”. The responses I got were hilarious and started up conversations with women who I might have otherwise lost contact with. Give it a try and let us know what responses you get!

Valentine’s Day if you are in a relationship:

I adhere to the advice that you shouldn’t need a special occasion to dote on your partner or give gifts and surprises. I myself enjoy doing thoughtful things when I want to throughout the year to express my feelings to Heidi.

Having said that, Valentine’s Day has become a modern day litmus test for love, so unless you and your partner have specifically agreed not to make a fuss of the occasion (and make sure that the feelings really are mutual if so) then you should make the effort to be creative.

Cliché gifts such as flowers and chocolates, although still delivering a message, do not have the same level of thought to them as other gestures. You basically want to do something that makes your partner feel special! This doesn’t have to be anything expensive so use your imagination for something fun that you can do TOGETHER. Think along the lines of romantic, sexual, thoughtful and homemade.

I have a wealth of ideas myself and already have some wonderful things planned for this Valentine’s Day but unfortunately Heidi will probably read this so to preserve the surprise element, you will have to e-mail me if you want to know some of my ideas.

One thing I have already done that she knows about is I have booked a special meal out for the two of us. It’s not a particularly original idea but it was done in a fairly original and fun way, which you can see in pictorial form here.

Last year I wrote a humorous yet romantic poem on burnt, coffee-stained paper and cooked Heidi a special Valentines themed meal.

There are hundreds of different things you can do that don’t have to involve the commercial side of Valentine’s Day but still make your partner feel special and loved, so start thinking about things you can do to surprise your other half as soon as possible!

Valentine’s Day if you are casually seeing one or more than one person:

The thing about Valentine’s Day is that it forces men and women to reveal their true intentions, so if you are just starting out in a new relationship, or are casually seeing someone then it can make things slightly tricky.

I have previously talked (and plan to write a comprehensive article soon) about how to frame certain aspects of a relationship, mainly regarding commitment and attitudes. With Valentine’s Day, it is easy to make your intentions seem ambiguous or insincere by the way that you act on February 14th.

Be careful that you are giving the right kind of message by how you act around this time. If you don’t want to make someone think they are your exclusive girlfriend for example, then don’t go over the top doing girlfriend and boyfriend type stuff.

There is obviously a vast spectrum of how serious a relationship is, so think carefully about where you want that relationship to go before deciding what you do or do not do on Valentine’s Day.

I hope everyone has a really fun day whatever you are planning and if you have any ideas or thoughts of your own then please share them in the comments section below.

Much love,

Sam

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It is a common period of reflection too and so over the last month I have been working with both men and women who are going through the process of reassessing their relationships either independently or with their partner.

Whilst this article won’t categorically tell you whether you should stay in your relationship or leave it, it will give you a few things to think about regarding whether to stay or leave and explain the best mentality to have regarding any decisions…

Where the dilemma comes from:

There are generally two causes for getting to the situation where you are thinking deeply about whether to stay in your current relationship or not. The first is created over a period of time where the relationship is either becoming monotonous, or you feel that the relationship is selling yourself short; that you can fathom a more ideal relationship.

The second cause is when there is one specific and often drastic event that makes you reassess the whole foundation of the relationship. This could be a betrayal of trust such as your partner cheating on you or lying to you, or it could be some other event that contradicts the person you thought you were with.

Having high standards:

The biggest thing to bear in mind when deciding whether to stay in a relationship or not is to be true to your personal standards. If you are a person who wants the absolute best out of your love-life then you must never ‘settle’ for a relationship that is anything short of perfect for you at any given time.

A common suggestion from peers and even therapists to this whole situation is to list all the pros and cons of the relationship and see which side of the list is favoured more heavily when it is complete.

The problem with this approach is that relationships are dynamic and changeable. Not only will you find that certain points vary in intensity as your state changes from day to day, you will also have trouble pinpointing certain things as solely your partner’s fault. A couple having constant arguments is a good example of this, as the bias towards whose ‘fault’ the arguments are will lead to further inconsistencies. All in all, the list approach will probably leave you more confused and more indecisive than you were just basing your decision on gut feeling!

Rather than make a list of the good qualities your partner has, try making a list of what qualities you want your ULTIMATE partner to have and then seeing how your relationship compares to that. Although there are many couples who manage to craft a lasting relationship despite not necessarily being ideal for each other or not being consistently happy together, you are doing yourself a disservice if you abridge your search for the perfect partner in order to have a relationship or marriage prematurely.

There are many times in life where we don’t feel as much self-worth as at other times but for me, since deciding to take control of my dating life back in 2003, I’ve always made sure that my relationships aren’t decided by or affected by those negative moments.

What this means is that unless a relationship of mine at any given time is anything short of PERFECT then I will be honest with both myself and my partner and not try to make it something it is not.

The best mentality to have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:

The following diagram shows the four different types of attitude that one can have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:

Using the above diagram; whilst the path of whether to stay or leave is completely down to you and there is no right or wrong answer, of the four paths that branch out from the ‘mentality’ nodes, it is quite obvious which two are the healthiest options. The four result choices at the bottom of the diagram can be placed into two categories: ‘remaining unfocused and indecisive’ or ‘taking action and moving on’. It is the second category that you want to follow, regardless of what your initial decision was.

If you stay in your relationship but don’t really make any effort to change things or solve any of the issues from the past, then things will obviously remain as they are.

If you decide wholeheartedly to stay in your relationship and then proceed to actually embrace that decision, promise to put aside any of your past concerns and work on enriching the relationship then you are one step towards making it fulfilling.

If you decide that leaving is the best option but it is done without courage or clear thought, then you will inevitably feel the loss of suddenly not having a companion. It takes a lot of mental effort to move on after a breakup and this can include taking action towards finding someone new, which definitely helps the process. The key is being proactive once the relationship is over and not dwelling on what you have just lost. Feeling the loss is the main cause for couples getting back together after a breakup. Whilst the relationship can be different once it is re-established, remember that you broke up for a reason in the first place and avoid ignoring the issues that were originally there.

Summary:

To summarise the key points of this article:

• Be true to your personal standards and don’t settle for anything less.
• Make a list of how you visualise your ultimate partner and your ideal relationship and see if that is possible to create from your current one.
• Whether you decide to stay or leave, follow through that decision with full commitment and positivity.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. The ONLY reason you should stay in a relationship
2. How to get through bad patches in a relationship
3. Steps for finding the perfect partner

If you are not a follower of my twitter profile then you may be wondering where this week’s update is. I decided to have a short break from updates for a few weeks so you can all enjoy your festive seasons and have time to apply some of the advice I have given throughout 2009. The ‘Best of’ page has probably been updated since you last saw it so that is a good place to find some of the best articles on Sparklife.info.

Christmas is a great time for improving our dating lives and enriching our relationships, so try and make the extra effort to both socialise and appreciate loved ones over the holiday period!

Another reason for this short Christmas hiatus is that I am busy working on a comprehensive e-book for you lovely people, to be released early in the New Year. I don’t want to reveal too much yet but it will incorporate a lot of the ideas I discuss on this website, whilst containing completely new content. As with everything on this website, it will also be 100% free with no advertising or up-selling at all!

My personal path to a fulfilling relationship:

As a further festive treat, I have created a four-minute video that will let you understand my personal path to a fulfilling relationship a bit better.

As you know, I advocate a very proactive attitude towards dating and as a consequence, I created the following four-step process for finding the perfect partner:

1. Know what you are looking for [related article]
2. Meet a LOT of people [related article]
3. Experience different relationships [related article]
4. Repeat until you find that truly special person [related article]

Below is a video of my personal path through this process: [the video may not show up in some e-mail or RSS clients, in which case please view it here]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Much love,

Sam

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I personally would rather go through life having never been married but having experienced many fulfilling relationships that were right for me at the time than marry the wrong person out of some sort of commitment obligation.

This article will highlight ten reasons why marriages consistently fail and will hopefully give some food for thought for people who believe marriage is a top priority. I encourage you to discuss, argue or agree with any of the points in the comments section at the end of the article…

1.) Complacency:

I’ve started with probably the biggest and most common issue that marriage presents and that is how easy it is to become complacent with the relationship if you are united by wedlock.

It’s easy to fall into the mindset when you are married that you have in a sense ‘won’ your partner’s ultimate devotion and you don’t need to put as much effort towards maintaining their desires and remaining attractive. Even if this isn’t a conscious consequence, it is hard to do things that we know we don’t NEED to do for our own development.

Whilst I believe that emotional and psychological complacency is particularly detrimental for a married couple, physical and health complacency is a common occurrence too. There has actually been an interesting study carried out in America that reveals how couples are 63% more likely to significantly put on weight after getting married [source]. Whilst it’s easy to say “that won’t happen to me”, in the situation (perhaps after a few years of marriage) these things can creep in quite easily.

Marriage by definition creates a false sense of entitlement that makes it easier to take the relationship for granted. There’s a far greater sense of pride in the fact that you can win your partner’s attraction, affection and desires day in day out rather than feel that they will be with you regardless of what you do!

2.) Contempt:

I’ve spoken before about how contempt is ‘The number one relationship killer’ and it is far easier for it to develop between a married couple for similar reasons to complacency.

A common representation of contempt within a marriage is how courteous a husband and wife are to each other compared to how they act around other people. Similar to a family situation, it is not feeling that you have to earn your partner’s affection over time that can let standards drop.

3.) Adapting the relationship:

Relationships go through many phases, with some periods of emphatic happiness and other times where the relationship has perhaps hit a bad patch. Regardless of how you feel about your partner at this very moment in time, the relationship WILL change over time.

Whilst it is disconcerting to think of your partner being attracted to someone else let alone ever acting on those urges, marriage creates an unhealthy restriction over someone’s ongoing desires.

Commitment is a big part of love but so is honesty. As I talked about in the article ‘How likely your partner is to cheat’, I would hate to think that I am ever imposing ‘fidelity suppression’ on my partner.

I know of several highly aware people who adapt to a whole range of different relationships, from polyamorous relationships (having multiple partners, openly and honestly) to monogamous ‘life partners’. These adaptations of a traditional relationship are difficult to fashion whilst married if you can accept that it is the best course of action for you. Second to this, you can never have the psychology of a ‘break’ whilst married. Whilst going on a break is not always advisable for troubled relationships, it can work in certain situations such as those discussed in the article ‘Is going on a break good or bad?’

4.) Marriage won’t fundamentally change the relationship:

Probably the worst reason to get married is that you believe it will solve all the problems currently in your relationship: if married, all the anxieties, insecurities and arguments will just magically vanish!

Whilst every marriage has a ‘honeymoon period’ where everything feels euphoric, it doesn’t take long for the relationship to slip back to how it was before.

If you are getting married thinking it will change your partner’s ways or it will cure all the bad aspects of your relationship, then you are probably in for quite a shock!

5.) The security and peace of mind is an illusion:

People like the security and peace of mind that marriage provides, especially if there are children involved, or likely to be involved in the future. The relationship is no more or less secure because two people are married: a couple can be wholly committed to one another and not be married and likewise, a couple can be married and never genuinely feel that level of mutual commitment, regardless of the sentiment that marriage suggests.

6.) Your development and identity can become obscured:

I’ve said many times before that constant development is crucial for maintaining a fulfilling relationship. This is both on an individual level and together as a couple. The security of marriage mentioned above actually restricts both challenge and growth and it is far easier for a couple to become out of sync with their development whilst married, however counter-intuitive that may seem.

Humans thrive on challenges (ask any successful person in the history of humankind whether that is true) and the independence that is lost when a couple get married can restrict the nature of personal goals and achievements.

7.) Premature conditioning by love:

Do you REALLY know your partner, including all their live-in habits and quirks and all their aspirations and woes? People are very good at hiding those things when only partially cohabiting and even more so if not living together at all.

If a couple are incessant on getting married then that is fine, but I would strongly urge living like you are married before actually getting married. Call it a trial if you will but getting married to someone you have never lived with is like buying a car before checking under the bonnet for an engine!

8.) Marriage nurtures insecurities:

Believe it or not, marriage actually nurtures the insecurities that people hope it will cure. If you get feelings of jealousy or have arguments now, then imagine what it will be like with the intensity of being married!

Marriage also promotes a distinct abundance denial, a sense of feeling “now that I am married I will never be alone”. The literal sentiment here also carries into other aspects of personal development concerning an abundance mentality.

9.) Keeping sight of the bigger picture:

The fact is that you can work at a relationship and you can have the best intentions towards it, but you never know how things will be in five, ten or twenty years from now!

Living in the moment is exceedingly hard to do whilst married as the whole premise is based upon planning for the future… the undetermined future!

10.) Marriage as a tradition:

There are several incentives behind getting married that I’m sure you are aware of: tax benefits, legal rights and citizenship to name a few. Society does also have a very conditioned view on married couples compared to unmarried, yet equally committed couples. Having said that, the only credibility or label that should matter in a relationship is the credibility that the two people involved decide to give it.

It has got to a point now where some people have already decided that they want to get married before even getting into a serious relationship! It almost becomes a case of ‘when I get married’ rather than ‘if I find the right person then I will get married’.

So whilst I would like to reiterate that I am not adamantly against marriage personally, successful marriages are generally the ones that are the result of a non-obligatory, carefully rationalised decision made by two astutely aware people.

If you have made it to the end of this lengthy article then please leave a response in the comments section below: I don’t mind if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me on any of the points…

Much love,

Sam

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Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

Approach anxiety is the manifestation of a number of physiological and emotional symptoms we get when we decide to actively meet a stranger. The time where this is most significant (which is also what makes it highly relevant to the topics on this website) is when thinking about approaching someone we are attracted to.

Humans are social creatures and we live in a sophisticated world of several billion people, yet there are still common scenarios where we find it abnormal to approach a fellow human being and instinctual responses take over our logical desires in those moments.

There are probably a few naturally confident men and women, socialised at an early age, who are reading this and cannot relate to this feeling of approach anxiety. For the rest of us, I’m sure you can think of a time where you really wanted to meet someone, perhaps someone you are physically attracted to, and approach anxiety kicked in; else, you simply dismiss the idea of actively meeting people in this way altogether.

I’ve yet to meet someone, regardless of situation or relationship status that hasn’t had their lives enriched by learning to meet more people or overcome their anxieties. This article will explain where approach anxiety comes from and then detail a simple three-step method for overcoming it…

Where does approach anxiety come from?

There are many theories about where approach anxiety comes from but my own research shows it is a combination of learnt behaviour, evolutionary traits and cultural norms. These three causes can be broken down loosely to a fear of strangers, a fear of danger and a fear of rejection respectively.

Fear of strangers:

It’s a big generalisation but there is definitely a correlation between people who have strong and confident parental figures and people who have anxieties by default. ALL behaviour is learnt and obviously our parents play a large role in where we learn the bulk of that behaviour from initially.

Approaching strangers is, for all intents and purposes, not ‘normal’, and so we learn from society around us whilst growing up that we shouldn’t do it.

Fear of danger:

Whilst related to a fear of strangers, the fear of danger relates to the possibility that you will in some way be harmed if you approach the wrong person. Obviously this is largely redundant in modern society. Psychologists believe this feeling is an evolved yet outdated emotion originating from when we lived within tribal civilisations and interactions with unfamiliar folk could actually pose a real threat of danger.

The physiological manifestations of an anxiety like the one we are discussing are actually inbuilt mechanisms to prepare for danger of this sort: tensing of muscles, increased heart-rate/blood-flow and perspiration to name a few. These are all wholly unnecessary in this day and age but also difficult to control in an instant.

Fear of rejection:

Anxieties can be described as compound emotions with several subsets, namely fear and vanity. The fear is that a given outcome will be out of our control and the vanity is that our self-image will be tarnished.

It is normally people at either end of the spectrum who struggle most with this fear of rejection. People with a high self-image, egotistical or verging on arrogant, will feel this fear of rejection as an ego-protection mechanism. Similarly, people with a low self-image will also want to protect their ego in this way as a means of damage limitation. Not doing something is often less painful than admitting that you can’t do something in some instances.

Both of these examples stem from having too much outcome dependence on the situation. If you get rejected and have outcome dependence it will reinforce the anxiety. On the other hand, if you don’t have outcome dependence then by definition you can’t get rejected and the anxiety is treated by our brains as a learning process.

How to deal with approach anxiety:

Unfortunately, like all anxieties, there is not an instantaneous cure for approach anxiety (my job would certainly be a lot easier if there was) but there are ways to slowly ease our way out of it. Like any learnt behaviour, it is the reinforcing of habits that teach us to act in a certain way in the first place so understanding and relearning these habits is the only way to overcome them. Below is a three-step method for overcoming approach anxiety:

Accept  Reject  Act

Accept that you have this anxiety:

If you fully accept that you have approach anxiety and want to deal with it, you are one step closer to making the commitment to actually change it.

Reject any limiting beliefs:

Every plausible excuse you can think of for not approaching someone that you would like to is merely a limiting belief, regardless of the specific situation. These range from “The timing/situation isn’t right” to the most popular one, “I don’t know what to say”. Everyone knows that you can just say “hi” so it is not literally having nothing to say, it’s a limiting belief that you THINK you have nothing worthwhile to say! Reject any excuses and don’t pre-empt what people will think of you.

Action alleviates anxiety over time:

It was many years ago now but I still vividly remember the first time I plucked up the courage to purposefully approach an attractive woman that I had no prior acquaintance to. I was shaking like a leaf and was already envisaging her slapping me square across the face or equivalent. Ten minutes later after I had excused myself from our friendly exchange I felt foolish that I was ever worried, and this is exactly the same reaction I get from the students I work with in a dating coaching format.

It’s all very well being told that something is ok but it is only when we actually experience it firsthand that we start to condition ourselves to be comfortable with the situation.

These days, meeting people has become such an ingrained ability within me that wherever I am I find myself meeting new people without even consciously deciding to. It wasn’t without following the above three-step process though:

Accept  Reject  Act

I’ll leave you with one of my favourite quotes from hockey star Wayne Gretzky that relates perfectly to proactive dating: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take!”

Much love,

Sam

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I’m sure most of you reading this can claim to have platonic friends of the opposite sex but can you be certain that the feeling is completely mutual? In my experience there are only two characteristics that will allow two people to be void of this whole theory, which I will explain shortly.

I predict that there are going to be many differing opinions and examples for this topic, so whilst I will share some of my own insights, I want you to have a chance to share yours too. Please further this discussion by leaving a comment at the end of this article with your thoughts on whether you think men and women can ever truly be friends; I’m really interested in what other people think about this…

Can men and women really be just friends?

As mentioned in the introduction, the two personal characteristics that could allow two people of the opposite sex to be genuine friends are people who are in completely fulfilling relationships or people with an abundance mentality towards dating. Notice that these are two instances that would void someone of having any form of sexual frustration.

I have to admit that until I myself developed and starting living with an abundance mentality towards dating several years ago, I too sometimes had trouble distinguishing friendship and attraction.

On a basic level, deep friendship is similar to a romantic relationship but without any physicality or sexual attraction. Based on this hypothesis, genuine friendship can only occur if sexual attraction is nonexistent. Both recognition of this sexual attraction and the desire for it can differ substantially between the man and the woman in question, which is where confusion or conflicting views come into play. I talked about this particular scenario in the recent article ‘How to get out of the friend zone’.

There’s a great scene in the film ‘When Harry Met Sally’ where Harry (played by Billy Crystal) and Sally (played by Meg Ryan) are discussing this issue of whether men and women can be just friends. The clip can be viewed below:

Please share your thoughts:

I now hand the discussion over to you as I am really interested in what you think about this!

Do you think that men and women can happily be just friends? Do you have examples or cases of this theory working or not working in your own life?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts and will of course respond to every comment.

Much love,

Sam

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I’ve worked hard over the past few years to rid myself of any negative emotions and anxieties and be able to control my emotions at will, yet I truly believe that the only emotion that cannot be suppressed is love!

That’s fine if your love for someone is equally reciprocated but what if it is not? And even if it is reciprocated, does the intensity fluctuate over time?

This article will introduce some new theories I have been working on surrounding love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world…

The love equilibrium:

I have recently been toying with the theory that there is a certain equilibrium that couples must find and maintain with regards to how much they love one another in order to sustain a happy and fulfilling relationship indefinitely.

Love, on the whole, is a positive emotion but it can also lead to some more disruptive traits rearing their ugly little heads. These are things such as neediness, dependency and validation-seeking and are all factors that can severely disrupt a once happy equilibrium.

How love affects self-control:

In a sense, love is linked to a state of being out of control. This theory explains my opening statement about how love is the only emotion that cannot be suppressed: it affects both our rational thoughts and actions.

The interesting point is that the MORE you fall in love, the MORE out of control with the relationship you become and the more likely the disruptive traits mentioned in the above section are to appear. This in turn will balance against your partner’s feelings. I’m not saying that your partner will start falling out of love with you but they will start feeling signs of contempt for the relationship, which if you’ve been reading this website for a while you will know is the number one relationship killer!

I know how much you all love my diagrams so I’ve created two diagrams that highlight what I mean…

The love equilibrium - balanced

The love equilibrium - unbalanced

The first diagram represents a happy couple in a fulfilling and equally loving relationship. The second diagram represents what happens when this balance goes out of kilter and one person in the relationship starts becoming overbearing with their love and almost like a weight against their partner. Obviously life circumstances will play a part in how each person reacts to such a scenario but it is ideal to get the balance back as soon as possible.

Love or infatuation:

Love is the culmination of many feelings towards a person and the side-effect of crafting a relationship of passion, intimacy and commitment. There is a well-known imposter to love though, which is called infatuation! Funnily enough, as there are fewer factors to obscure the dynamics, the love equilibrium is easier to spot when dealing with a case of infatuation.

An example, which I’m sure a lot of people can relate to is becoming obsessed with one particular person who you currently have no romantic relations with, be it a friend, someone you have a crush on, or a past boyfriend or girlfriend. If you actually get to the point of confessing your ‘love’ for them, you actually push them further away.

Balancing love:

In a mutual, loving and committed relationship, there should be no need for superfluous validation or ‘extra effort’ from one person and love should be something that develops both naturally and smoothly. A lot of couples use the magical three words “I love you” far too automated, often as an obligation or quarrelled peacemaker. I make a point of only personally using the phrase during particular moments of amorous emotion; basically, when I genuinely mean it! I’m sure that the sincerity of Heidi saying “I love you” is similar.

This topic is going to be one that I expand on considerably in the future and may well become an article series but the main things to think about if you are in love are, do you love each other equally and do you express that love equally?

Much love (genuine, balanced love) ,

Sam

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