Internal beliefs are generally constructed through life experience, from infancy onwards… If you experience positive messages and attention from others, you will generally have a lot more self-belief and confidence by default than if you rarely receive validation of that sort.

Conveyed personality is an extension of that inner confidence and is basically how we come across to other people, including first impressions and social skills.

Internal beliefs and conveyed personality are closely correlated, with each one directly affecting the other. This means that by improving one aspect of these attraction variables, you proportionally improve the other.

This article is going to focus on the latter of these two variables, with the intention being that by paying attention to certain aspects of your personality, you can increase how attractive other people perceive you. This will in turn improve several internal beliefs.

Note that this article is not implying that you change your core personality, more that it is suggesting ways to CONVEY your personality in the best way. Also remember that attraction doesn’t stop when you’re in a relationship… presumably you want to remain attractive throughout your relationships too!

Without further ado, here are three steps to being more attractive…

1.) Being unreactive

Every single example of social human interaction is either a bid for connection or an attempt to get a reaction out of the recipient… If someone tells a joke, they are intending to get laughter in response and if someone is being threatening, they are intending to get fear and cooperation as a response!

It is easy to misconstrue exactly what being unreactive means in the context of being more attractive. Being unreactive is not about being an emotionless robot, void of being able to make a genuine emotional connection with. It simply means that if someone TRIES to get a reaction out of you, you are in complete, conscious control of how you react to it.

If someone is making a mutual and positive bid for rapport then the whole concept of being unreactive is largely redundant. It is when someone is making a measured attempt to test your confidence and self-belief, something that almost everyone does subconsciously, that this concept really becomes useful.

A recent article that discusses some logistics related to being unreactive is called ‘Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory’. The important thing to remember though is that negative emotions are created internally… It’s an advanced skill to develop but no one can actually MAKE you feel a negative emotion! Learn to stay positive, calm and happy regardless of what anyone says to you and you will have the basis for attracting even the most testing and ‘high value’ men and women.

2.) Being playful

This step is primarily for the ‘nice guys’ and the female counterparts who don’t know the best way to act around the opposite sex. The ultimate strategy of a nice guy regarding attraction is to play it safe and ask boring, rapport-seeking questions immediately after meeting a woman. Although this can occasionally work depending on the individual woman and the context of the interaction, it deprives a woman of the essence of what attraction really is!

The concept of being playful comes under many guises such as flirting or teasing but what it essentially is, is being FUN!

If you are interacting with a man or woman that you are attracted to, you want to be making them smile and you want to be conveying your interest in a way that isn’t disrespectful or seedy. Most nice guys (and women) hide their intentions and interest altogether!

The way I ultimately sum up being playful and being good at flirting is:

“saying something mean in a nice way”

This is always with the express intention of making someone feel good. If no one is smiling or responding to your playfulness positively, then you’re doing it wrong!

I have literally hundreds of examples and practical ways to be more playful but what is important here is that during the attraction phases of developing a relationship, playful and fun is far better than safe and serious!

Learning to be more playful and speak the language of the opposite sex was what essentially turned me from being a nice guy… into being a nice guy who was attractive!

3.) Leading

Both men and women can benefit from being more decisive, direct and leading. The roles of men and women in society suggest that it is the male who must take the initiative regarding relationship progression. Regardless of gender though, the important thing is that any specific interaction is actually progressing in whatever way is mutually desired.

A romantic relationship is only ever going to develop if someone is leading the escalation of both emotional and physical intimacy. Aside from this fact, from a woman’s perspective, being a dominant, self-assured and leading man is inherently attractive!

There are obviously many more factors and intricacies involving attraction but the three listed above are what I believe to be the three core components in attracting and progressing relationships.

A lot of the success is in calibrating how and when to balance these three concepts and that will only come with real life experience. Remember not to hide your true personality but equally, try not to let negative internal beliefs determine what that true personality is!

Much love,

Sam

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1. Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory

The first of these stages is the attraction, lust and romance stage, which develops from when a couple first start dating and can last anywhere from a few months to several years. This continues whilst a couple discover each other fully and build intimate rapport together.

The second of these stages is the commitment, management and awareness stage, which continues thereafter. This stage usually develops around the time there is a prominent gesture of commitment, such as deciding to live together, or simply the period where a couple become deeply and emotionally close to one another.

The power shifts that develop across these two stages are unavoidable but the degree to which we let a power struggle affect a relationship can most certainly be handled…

How the power struggle develops:

Everyone wants to feel in control in their relationship, although that is not to say that one wants to purposefully control their partner.

Even people in controlling relationships or perpetrators of domestic abuse do so because of learnt behaviours and an inability to effectively get what they really want and fulfil their own needs.

When we feel comfortable with someone, we naturally feel more inclined to pick up on previously insignificant things that may irritate us. We also gain a superior need to expect unconditional love and receive constant validation and reassurance from a romantic partner. These are both instances of things that can escalate to an obvious power struggle.

The interesting thing about these two examples is that they have opposing effects on a relationship, depending on how mutual the power struggle symptoms are. The following graph will help to illustrate what I mean:

If the need for validation and expressions of love is completely one-sided, the relationship becomes imbalanced and arguments will arise due to the inciter not feeling appreciated enough. This easily leads to the manifestation of a clear power struggle.

On the other hand, if this need for validation and expressions of love is equal then a couple can usually share those feelings to each other’s satisfaction and enjoy a fulfilling relationship, as long as that balance is maintained. [related article: ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’]

On the contrary, behavioural retorts (such as criticising your partner) have a more severe effect the more mutual they are. By definition, an argument has already started:

“I hate it when you do x. You ALWAYS do x”

“Yes well I hate it when you do y and z” etc

A recurring exchange such as this dilutes the dominant/submissive roles in the relationship and leads to a power struggle faster than any other method.

How to avoid the power struggle completely:

What it ultimately comes down to is learning to notice, understand and fulfil each other’s needs, which undoubtedly will differ between the two of you. Alternatively, where appropriate, you can help your partner to develop or overcome those needs.

As mentioned in the previous section, certain behavioural acts such as criticism are intensified if they are fuelled from both sides, yet it is instinctual to sometimes want to ‘give as good as you get’ in a relationship. Pain or a lack of validation on both sides doesn’t balance out a relationship… It just doubles the amount of pain and lack of validation! I hint about some remedies to this particular example in the latter part of the article ‘Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory’.

The only way to solve any feelings of resentment that can arise from the power struggle is to help your partner get what they want, without supplicating! The last part is crucial because it keeps intact the attraction, respect and trust within the relationship.

I will go into more depth with the intricacies of how to spot and avoid the power struggle in another article but remember that you ALLOW people to control or antagonise you by conveying what you will accept and by reacting to certain things in a certain way!

Also keep in mind that hate (which can be an observational side-effect of the power struggle) is not the opposite of love… indifference is! As long as both people in a relationship seem like they care, any negativity or power struggle can be flipped. Like I said, I will explain in detail how to do this in a future article…

Much love,

Sam

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Modern-day polyamorous relationships, or ‘open relationships’, have a somewhat negative reputation in modern society and I think this is largely because they are misunderstood.

I thought I would share some of my own insights into polyamorous relationships and explain how, whether you approve of the underlying principles or not, they can help enrich how you approach your own relationships and the attitudes and mindsets surrounding them…

True monogamy doesn’t exist anymore:

Obviously you will find examples of people who stay with their childhood sweetheart or their first romantic partner for life, but this is a rare occurrence in this day and age. Most people who claim to be monogamists are actually what are called ‘serial monogamists’.

A serial monogamist will have many romantic partners or lovers throughout their lifetime but they will always be asynchronous, as in they will wait for one relationship to end before moving on to the next one.

This is the most common way to approach relationships and the way modern society teaches us to behave towards them. It can be argued that marriage was originally created to artificially impose this standard. Unfortunately, human behaviour doesn’t always mirror this approach, which is why infidelity still occurs so frequently.

You don’t have to be either a polyamorist or a monogamist:

Relationships are dynamic and our desires and attraction are very changeable as we develop throughout our lives. It is for this reason that polyamory and monogamy can be used in conjunction with each other, depending on what our relationship desires are at the time. It can be argued that everyone possesses an inherent agreement for both mindsets; we just tend to force one way of living due to learnt behaviour and cultural standards.

Assuming you do ultimately want to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship with one special person who surpasses everything you are looking for in a relationship, how do you think the best way to find that person is?

You could stumble from relationship to relationship hoping that eventually you happen upon someone who meets at least some of your standards, or you can skew the odds in your favour of finding that special person by not restricting yourself to a specific method of dating.

Polyamory and exclusivity:

Polyamory works best when it is viewed as a means to an end. Although I agree that polyamory is not a sustainable setup or mindset in the long run (and this has been proven to me by every so-called polyamorist I have ever met or analysed), it is actually a great way to shortcut the process of finding that special person.

Every successful monogamous relationship I have been in has come about because that person has actively made me stop WANTING to be with anyone else, not because the relationship is convenient or there was a lack of abundance in my dating life at the time.

Similarly, all my previous relationships ended because we were starting to lose that desire for exclusivity. Although there are many reasons for a relationship’s demise, every single one can be linked to this theory: the desire for someone else is due to one’s emotional or physical needs and desires not being completely fulfilled!

There is no reason to lead someone to believe they are exclusive if they are not, or if they are not yet. This means that when you are in an exclusive relationship with someone, it is a lot more sincere.

Is polyamory cheating?

People often think that polyamory and indeed ‘open relationships’ are like cheating on your partner because of their unconventional setup. It is actually completely the opposite of cheating! Polyamory is about being completely honest and respectful about your intentions and desires as soon as they emerge. The alternative is to either suppress any other desires you may have, or worse, act on them secretly and cheat on your partner. Which do you think is better?

As I wrote about in the article ‘Cheating on a partner does not matter’, cheating in a relationship is only an issue because it goes against the assumed values of the relationship. If everyone is at least open to the idea of polyamory as a principle, whether currently in an exclusive relationship or not, no one will ever feel the need to cheat because those feelings and desires for other people can be acknowledged and discussed long before anything actually happens as a consequence.

Being open-minded towards polyamory:

I myself am definitely in a monogamous relationship at the moment, but that is certainly not out of principle or obligation and wholly because it is what Heidi and I both want at this moment in time. We both love each other and work on making the relationship fulfilling as well as being void of any insecurities or negativity. I can only speak for myself but due to that, I haven’t even had an inkling of desire for anyone else over the past three years.

It is however fathomable that at some point in the future as we change and develop, these desires may change for both of us, at which point because we are both aware of the anatomy of both polyamorous and monogamous relationships, we will be able to discuss and adapt as soon as anything arises.

Learning to make relationships lasting and continually happy and fulfilling will in theory nullify the need for this mindset, but it is still useful to understand so as to avoid the typical way that a relationship ends: shrouded in negativity and contempt!

Much love,

Sam

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1. Age gaps in relationships

There are specific reasons why I am reluctant to promote any program or service that deals with getting back with an ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend that I will explain shortly, but this third-party interest does show that it is a common enough issue for me to cover.

This article will give a few tips on how to get back with an ex but will first address what I believe is a far more pertinent question…

Why do you really want to get back with your ex?

There are a whole host of reasons why a relationship might end but below the surface, it is always due to the needs and wants of one or both people in the relationship not being met.

Regardless of how much you miss the relationship shortly after a breakup, there was something fundamental that led to its demise. It takes a strong character to control the instinctual feelings of loss and not be drawn into a state of longing soon after a relationship ends.

In order to think about and work on the areas of the relationship that caused the breakup, if nothing is resolved from any discussions there and then, then you must follow the first step of how to get your ex back…

Take some time out:

Whether you want to get back with your ex or you want to move on, taking at least some brief time away from each other is imperative to separate yourself from the emotional ties of that relationship and view everything rationally. A recent article that discusses these initial decisions is the article titled ‘Should I stay or leave my relationship’.

Be proactive as soon as possible:

The feeling of loss is always going to be significant just after breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend and that is usually the time where regrets can creep in, or the relationship continues but in a subordinate fashion. It is for that reason that I always suggest being socially proactive as soon as possible, regardless of whether you are hoping the relationship will be rekindled or not.

Immediately after any of my previous relationships ended, I always forced myself to go out and meet several new women THAT WEEK! This was in no way intended to be disrespectful to the ex-girlfriend in question but it allowed me to put the relationship in perspective and not become needy due to the automatic feelings of loss procured from breaking up.

As counter-intuitive as it may seem, buying flowers, ringing constantly, telling your ex incessantly that you love them or doing anything that suggests begging for your partner back once a decision has already been made, will only push them further away! This theory is explained more concisely in the article ‘Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium’.

Comparing everyone to your ex:

Another common reason to feel like you want to get back with an ex is how the new men or women you meet compare to your ex.

Attraction can be created extremely easily but rapport and intimacy is something that develops over time and continues to grow as a relationship progresses. Although there are many enjoyable aspects to starting a relationship with someone new, it will take the same amount of time for that rapport and intimacy to develop to heights of your previous relationship. Comparing the two at wholly different stages creates unrealistic parallels in your mind; one where your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend will always seem superior.

Restarting the relationship as new:

Oftentimes, if people actively follow through with some of this advice, they’ll realise over time that the relationship in question did have its downfalls and perhaps wasn’t the perfect relationship for them. This is the first step to learning from the experience, moving on and continuing on the path to finding the perfect partner.

However, it’s not for anyone else to decide that moving on is the correct course of action. Perhaps the relationship truly was special and it was behaviour similar to complacency that destroyed it.

If this truly is the case, when you do meet with your ex again (and this should only be done once you have dealt with any feelings of neediness surrounding getting back together), you want to convey the changes you have actually made. You want to amp attraction and leave the affectionate side for if the relationship progresses once more. An article that discusses the distinction between these traits is called ‘Nice guy or bad boy – Find the perfect balance’ and is useful information for both men and women. Remember, couples who get back together without actually changing anything will invariably find themselves back in the same situation before long!

Discuss:

Do you have experience of getting back with an ex, or wanting to get back with an ex? Else, what is your opinion or advice for someone who is in that situation?

Much love,

Sam

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Before reviewing the articles from the last six months since the last review, I would like to quickly thank everyone who has read, shared and commented on any of my articles so far. Notable regular readers and contributors include Elena (if you’re a dog-lover then make sure you check out her website ‘Too Kool Doggies’), Joan, Eva, Pyrax, Dean, Fluffosaur/Starsparkle, Jon, some cute Canadian chick I know and everyone else!!

Without further ado, here are all the articles from the last six months…

The first six month review can be found HERE.

Relationship and dating articles:

The number one relationship killer (4 comments)

This article outlines the one thing that leads to the downfall of most modern relationships. It is the dominant factor for almost all of the conceivably bad things that can happen in one. You’ll have to click on the link to find out what it is!

Approach a woman and fall in love – The story of how I met Heidi (7 comments)

As the title describes, this is the story of the unique way that I met my long-term girlfriend Heidi several years ago. It is also a unique article in the fact that it is the first time I have invited a guest-writer to contribute… After I tell my side of the story, Heidi gives her take on events, so you get a detailed insight into how men and women react differently when first meeting in this way.

Topics to avoid with your girlfriend or boyfriend (5 comments)

Whilst this article does give three clear topics to accompany the title, it may require some prior reading of some of my previous articles written on ‘the ego’ to be fully understood. This article contains far from strict advice but is useful for people who feel they must know every little detail about their partner and their partner’s past.

Using Kegel exercises to improve sexual performance (8 comments)

This article introduces a wildly misunderstood sexual practice that can be used to improve sexual performance. It goes into brief detail about what Kegel exercises are, how they can improve sexual performance and then most importantly, how to actually do the exercises.

Lying in a relationship (11 comments)

This article explains three different types of lying, the reasons why people lie in relationships and then discusses some pressing consequences surrounding these. There is also an interesting video linked to by Elena amongst the discussions in the comments section about techniques for spotting lies.

Is going on a break good or bad? (8 comments)

This article lists a few common reasons for wanting to go on a break and then discusses some of the practical and psychological issues surrounding the topic. A worthwhile read if the topic is relevant, or potentially relevant to you.

How to get out of the friend zone (7 comments)

This article dissects the psychology behind having romantic feelings for a friend before describing the only reliable techniques to starting a relationship with someone who you are firmly in the ‘friend zone’ with.

A fundamental flaw in dating and why you should never stop meeting people (6 comments)

This article suggests changing your mindset whilst in a relationship so you can be just as sociable as if you were single. This is a useful article to read whatever your current relationship status is.

How likely your partner is to cheat – part 1 (12 comments)

This article is part one of what is, in my opinion, my best article series to date. It gives a detailed account of knowing how likely your partner is to cheat. There are some decent discussions in the comments section too.

How likely your partner is to cheat – part 2 (8 comments)

This is the follow up to the above article and contains an original diagram that can accurately predict how likely your partner is to cheat. This is highly recommended viewing!

The complimenting challenge for both singles and couples (10 comments)

This article introduces a new format in the form of a reader challenge, based around the art of complimenting people. It is not particularly hard or time-consuming to do, yet is very rewarding. Please share your experiences in the comments section.

Sleeping with someone new for the first time (11 comments)

This article explains how men and women differ emotionally when deciding to sleep with someone for the first time, whilst giving general thoughts on how to use these differing feelings to have smoother progressions in any relationships.

Managing the most powerful emotion in the world – The love equilibrium (11 comments)

This article introduces some of my most cutting edge theories on love and how to manage what is ostensibly the most powerful emotion in the world. This article is the basis for a lot of upcoming articles I will be doing so it is definitely worth reading.

Can men and women really be just friends? (12 comments)

This article is aimed at invoking reader discussion in the comments section, as everyone has their own opinion on this topic. I do share my own thoughts throughout though.

Dealing with approach anxiety (7 comments)

This article discusses a topic that I became very good at breaking down and dealing with whilst working solely as a dating coach. It contains lots of information about what is an extremely common issue.

10 reasons not to get married (10 comments)

This controversial article gives food for thought towards what has become a tradition in most people’s lives. Read the ten points and then add your thoughts to the comments section at the end.

My personal path to a fulfilling relationship + an exciting update (12 comments)

The main part of this update is the video I created that shows some of my development through meeting lots of people and finally meeting my girlfriend Heidi. The e-book mentioned in this update is still very much in the works and will get finalised and released at some point.

Should I stay or leave my relationship (12 comments)

This is another highly recommended article with lots of insights, reader discussion and a useful diagram.

Valentine’s Day 2010 advice (12 comments)

Every year I am slightly saddened by how little decent advice there is for what may or may not be an important day to you. This article gives some ideas for Valentine’s Day, whether single, in a relationship, or anywhere in between. The advice is applicable for times other than just Valentine’s Day so it is worth checking out.

Compromising in a relationship (6 comments)

This article discusses and breaks down an extremely important aspect of relationships: compromising!

Connecting in a relationship and interacting using frame theory (6 comments)

This article is somewhat related to the previous one but introduces a new theory that is the basis for connecting fully with a partner. There is also useful information related to meeting and interacting with members of the opposite sex if that is relevant to you.

So that wraps up the first year of Sparklife.info. Thank-you once again to everyone who has read, shared and commented on this website during the past year and I assure you the content is going to continue to develop so please spread the word and keep visiting yourself.

Also, I would love to hear what your favourite topics have been so far (or a specific favourite article if you have one) in the comments section below, along with any ideas or suggestions you have to help me make this an even more valuable resource…

Much love,

Sam

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1. Sparklife.info six month review – every article listed
2. Sparklife.info SWOT analysis
3. Sparklife.info Introduction

The truth is that compatibility is created and we can learn to be compatible with just about anyone.

It is the art of connecting with someone that we base this compatibility supposition on: some people connect with each other far more naturally than others, which is generally how we get into romantic relationships.

It is for this reason, that when a couple come to me, adamant on staying together and working on their relationship, that helping them to connect with each other is the number one priority. If you can positively connect with someone (and I will explain what I mean by positively connecting in this article) then the basis of a fulfilling relationship is already there…

Frame theory in relationships and other interactions:

To segue from meeting someone to building a solid relationship with them, an understanding of the fundamental changes in how to connect and interact effectively at each stage is vital. One way to define these interactions is using ‘frame theory’.

‘Frame’, in the context described here, is a term derived from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) as a way to analyse human interactions. I have come to define it as ‘the underlying meaning or assumptions of an interaction’. When described like this, it is clear that it is a highly useful concept to understand within romantic relationships.

At a simplistic level, there are two types of ‘frame’: strong frames and weak frames. A strong frame represents someone who is dominant, confident and self-assured, whereas a weak frame represents someone who is submissive, affectionate and overly apologetic. It is common for people to become accustomed solely to one of these types during early social-development.

The problem with frame theory is that its importance and distinction at different stages of developing a relationship varies considerably.

When learning principles of attraction and how to meet people, it is important to understand how to adopt a strong frame that portrays universally attractive traits such as leadership, dominance and all-round confidence. [Related article: This concept is the basis of the behavioural traits outlined in the article ‘Nice guy or bad boy – find the perfect balance’]

Most men naturally develop a strong frame as required in this instance; unfortunately, that strong frame is often based around negative beliefs! The conjecture here is that even if a strong frame contains negative beliefs, ANY strong frame subdues a weak frame.

An example of this in practice is when a man approaches a woman with deep-rooted, negative beliefs, such as:

• Women are intimidating
• Approaching strangers is weird and rude
• I won’t be her type
• I will have to act in a predetermined, unnatural way

With overpowering beliefs like this, it is almost as counterproductive as simply having a weak frame and meekly interacting with woman, with the hope that they will do all the hard work and spend the time getting to know you and like you regardless.

Men who get good at attracting women become excellent at leading interactions and flipping any negative frames that are imposed upon them. For example, if a woman tries to test or oppose a man’s apparent confidence, he will know how to turn it around with a stronger frame of his own.

The problem is that this is only applicable in the beginning stages of a relationship. If you carry on with this attitude and setup as a relationship progresses, you will come across as aloof, or worse, insecure! This is the reason why a number of dating coaches I have worked with in the past find it extremely difficult to maintain long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. They are great at attracting women and building the foundations of a relationship but then find it hard to shift their attitude towards the relationship at the correct moment.

Creating a frame of unity in a relationship:

When a relationship becomes mutual, monogamous and loving, the individual frames that we present will become clouded as we start to feel truly connected. This will happen naturally as a couple bond with each other and become comfortable in the relationship. However, even if this is the case, the ingrained attitudes are rarely shifted internally and this inevitably causes problems further into the relationship.

The only way to feel truly connected to your partner is to create a sincere emotional interdependence, where there is no longer a power shift between any of your interactions and hence you create a frame of unity.

This doesn’t mean that you should never disagree or have individual roles in a relationship, but that the underlying assumptions of any of your interactions are always that of mutuality and respect. The recent article ‘Compromising in a relationship’ touches on this dynamic from a slightly different angle.

Every single interaction and emotional request in a relationship is a chance to connect and the most fulfilling outcome in any example is always the one that makes a couple feel connected the most. This is regardless of whether the outcome or decision was the best one in practice or not. This affinity is not necessarily ideal in other interactions in life and that is where people can get confused. Connecting with a romantic partner is different from connecting with anyone else because it is based around intimacy.

It is impossible to positively connect with someone in terms of intimate rapport whilst having conflicting frames, whilst on the other hand, if you have a joint frame of unity, you will ALWAYS connect positively, regardless of any real life content.

Much love,

Sam

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1. 3 steps to being more attractive

Every healthy relationship needs compromise! Humans are extremely complex and varied creatures, so no matter how suited you feel you and your partner are, you will always have differing opinions on certain things. It is unlikely you will ever have someone who always confidently agrees with you and decidedly wants to do whatever you want to do and let’s be honest, how fun would that actually be! My standard rule for compromising is:

If something doesn’t hurt me or go against my core beliefs and principles then do it.

There is a lot more to a healthy compromise between a couple than this though and this article aims to break it down to its core components…

Compromising in the subconscious mind:

Our subconscious mind deals with most of the day to day responses and emotional feedback that we encounter. This can either be a good thing or a bad thing regarding relationships, depending on how our subconscious mind has been programmed throughout our life experiences and personal development.

A lot of couples feel that they can instinctively come to compromises on a wide variety of topics or issues without much hassle, whilst others find that they disagree on even the pettiest decisions.

The need for compromise occurs so frequently in long-term relationships that most of it does happen subconsciously and isn’t even noteworthy, even if you fall into that second category.

The cause for any unrest that does occur whilst dealing with compromise though, which is also what leads to arguments, is not feeling validated or valued enough in the relationship.

Compromising with a partner is extremely easy to do (even when dealing with really big decisions) if you can overcome and rid yourself of a few of these negative emotional barriers and insecurities.

How to compromise in a relationship:

There are several general points that are useful to adopt whilst compromising with a partner, such as not going back on your word and not making compromises conditionally, where you are expecting something back in return.

Below is a diagram I have made (you can look at it like a simple equation if it makes it easier to understand) and it shows the components that lead to a happy compromise:

Gratification – Hindrance = Appreciation + Mutuality

Gratification:

Gratification in the above diagram relates to how satisfied you are with the outcome of the compromise in question and how much you enjoy pleasing your partner in this way.

Unless you are feeling signs of contempt in your relationship, you should automatically get a deep sense of fulfilment from pleasing your partner and maintaining a relationship of beatitude.

Hindrance:

Hindrance in the above diagram refers to both how much effort it takes for you to compromise on a certain issue and how much that compromise will affect what would be your ideal, personal choice.

If a decision, feeling or action doesn’t directly affect you then any averseness towards fully compromising is almost certainly fuelled by insecurities mentioned previously in this article.

Appreciation:

You can’t force your partner to appreciate any compromises that you make but it is a well known behavioural trait that we are more willing to do things that we feel appreciated or valued for and this goes both ways.

Mutuality:

One of the most common reasons why someone will not compromise with their partner, even if the other factors are met, is that they feel they are supplicating or losing control to their partner if they do.

The actual causes of those feelings are answered elsewhere on this website but you want to feel that the compromise is mutual, is largely a win-win situation and that over time, the degree of compromise from each of you roughly balances out.

There are obviously a vast number of examples of times where a couple would need to compromise with each other. If you have any examples that you would like to share, along with how you solved them, or if you have a specific example that you would like advice on, then please post it in the comments section below.

Much love,

Sam

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Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

This article will share a few ideas for February 14th, whether you are single, in a monogamous relationship, or anywhere in between…

Valentine’s Day if you are single:

A lot of single people try to ignore or steer clear of Valentine’s Day altogether but it is actually one of the best days of the year to meet people of the opposite sex.

The last Valentine’s Day that I was single I went to a bar with a few male friends and it was the most ridiculously easy night to meet women ever! It is reasonable to assume that anyone who is not with someone of the opposite sex is single and you can therefore be far more direct with your approach.

Obviously it depends on your personality and the type of venue you attend but I had a lot of success with role-plays revolving around Valentine’s Day. Things such as approaching a group of females and acting offended that you didn’t receive a card and flowers from them, or simply going up and saying “Happy Valentine’s Day” in a cheeky way will both open up conversations.

Although Valentine’s Day 2010 falls on a Sunday, I’m sure there will still be groups of singles heading out to have fun on what can otherwise be a rather depressing day. If this kind of proactive approach seems scary then there are many organised singles events during Valentine’s weekend in major cities so see what is on and get involved!

One other fun thing that I just remembered was a few years ago on Valentine’s Day when I sent every female in my phone a text message saying “thanks for the flowers ‘secret admirer’ ”. The responses I got were hilarious and started up conversations with women who I might have otherwise lost contact with. Give it a try and let us know what responses you get!

Valentine’s Day if you are in a relationship:

I adhere to the advice that you shouldn’t need a special occasion to dote on your partner or give gifts and surprises. I myself enjoy doing thoughtful things when I want to throughout the year to express my feelings to Heidi.

Having said that, Valentine’s Day has become a modern day litmus test for love, so unless you and your partner have specifically agreed not to make a fuss of the occasion (and make sure that the feelings really are mutual if so) then you should make the effort to be creative.

Cliché gifts such as flowers and chocolates, although still delivering a message, do not have the same level of thought to them as other gestures. You basically want to do something that makes your partner feel special! This doesn’t have to be anything expensive so use your imagination for something fun that you can do TOGETHER. Think along the lines of romantic, sexual, thoughtful and homemade.

I have a wealth of ideas myself and already have some wonderful things planned for this Valentine’s Day but unfortunately Heidi will probably read this so to preserve the surprise element, you will have to e-mail me if you want to know some of my ideas.

One thing I have already done that she knows about is I have booked a special meal out for the two of us. It’s not a particularly original idea but it was done in a fairly original and fun way, which you can see in pictorial form here.

Last year I wrote a humorous yet romantic poem on burnt, coffee-stained paper and cooked Heidi a special Valentines themed meal.

There are hundreds of different things you can do that don’t have to involve the commercial side of Valentine’s Day but still make your partner feel special and loved, so start thinking about things you can do to surprise your other half as soon as possible!

Valentine’s Day if you are casually seeing one or more than one person:

The thing about Valentine’s Day is that it forces men and women to reveal their true intentions, so if you are just starting out in a new relationship, or are casually seeing someone then it can make things slightly tricky.

I have previously talked (and plan to write a comprehensive article soon) about how to frame certain aspects of a relationship, mainly regarding commitment and attitudes. With Valentine’s Day, it is easy to make your intentions seem ambiguous or insincere by the way that you act on February 14th.

Be careful that you are giving the right kind of message by how you act around this time. If you don’t want to make someone think they are your exclusive girlfriend for example, then don’t go over the top doing girlfriend and boyfriend type stuff.

There is obviously a vast spectrum of how serious a relationship is, so think carefully about where you want that relationship to go before deciding what you do or do not do on Valentine’s Day.

I hope everyone has a really fun day whatever you are planning and if you have any ideas or thoughts of your own then please share them in the comments section below.

Much love,

Sam

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It is a common period of reflection too and so over the last month I have been working with both men and women who are going through the process of reassessing their relationships either independently or with their partner.

Whilst this article won’t categorically tell you whether you should stay in your relationship or leave it, it will give you a few things to think about regarding whether to stay or leave and explain the best mentality to have regarding any decisions…

Where the dilemma comes from:

There are generally two causes for getting to the situation where you are thinking deeply about whether to stay in your current relationship or not. The first is created over a period of time where the relationship is either becoming monotonous, or you feel that the relationship is selling yourself short; that you can fathom a more ideal relationship.

The second cause is when there is one specific and often drastic event that makes you reassess the whole foundation of the relationship. This could be a betrayal of trust such as your partner cheating on you or lying to you, or it could be some other event that contradicts the person you thought you were with.

Having high standards:

The biggest thing to bear in mind when deciding whether to stay in a relationship or not is to be true to your personal standards. If you are a person who wants the absolute best out of your love-life then you must never ‘settle’ for a relationship that is anything short of perfect for you at any given time.

A common suggestion from peers and even therapists to this whole situation is to list all the pros and cons of the relationship and see which side of the list is favoured more heavily when it is complete.

The problem with this approach is that relationships are dynamic and changeable. Not only will you find that certain points vary in intensity as your state changes from day to day, you will also have trouble pinpointing certain things as solely your partner’s fault. A couple having constant arguments is a good example of this, as the bias towards whose ‘fault’ the arguments are will lead to further inconsistencies. All in all, the list approach will probably leave you more confused and more indecisive than you were just basing your decision on gut feeling!

Rather than make a list of the good qualities your partner has, try making a list of what qualities you want your ULTIMATE partner to have and then seeing how your relationship compares to that. Although there are many couples who manage to craft a lasting relationship despite not necessarily being ideal for each other or not being consistently happy together, you are doing yourself a disservice if you abridge your search for the perfect partner in order to have a relationship or marriage prematurely.

There are many times in life where we don’t feel as much self-worth as at other times but for me, since deciding to take control of my dating life back in 2003, I’ve always made sure that my relationships aren’t decided by or affected by those negative moments.

What this means is that unless a relationship of mine at any given time is anything short of PERFECT then I will be honest with both myself and my partner and not try to make it something it is not.

The best mentality to have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:

The following diagram shows the four different types of attitude that one can have when deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship:

Using the above diagram; whilst the path of whether to stay or leave is completely down to you and there is no right or wrong answer, of the four paths that branch out from the ‘mentality’ nodes, it is quite obvious which two are the healthiest options. The four result choices at the bottom of the diagram can be placed into two categories: ‘remaining unfocused and indecisive’ or ‘taking action and moving on’. It is the second category that you want to follow, regardless of what your initial decision was.

If you stay in your relationship but don’t really make any effort to change things or solve any of the issues from the past, then things will obviously remain as they are.

If you decide wholeheartedly to stay in your relationship and then proceed to actually embrace that decision, promise to put aside any of your past concerns and work on enriching the relationship then you are one step towards making it fulfilling.

If you decide that leaving is the best option but it is done without courage or clear thought, then you will inevitably feel the loss of suddenly not having a companion. It takes a lot of mental effort to move on after a breakup and this can include taking action towards finding someone new, which definitely helps the process. The key is being proactive once the relationship is over and not dwelling on what you have just lost. Feeling the loss is the main cause for couples getting back together after a breakup. Whilst the relationship can be different once it is re-established, remember that you broke up for a reason in the first place and avoid ignoring the issues that were originally there.

Summary:

To summarise the key points of this article:

• Be true to your personal standards and don’t settle for anything less.
• Make a list of how you visualise your ultimate partner and your ideal relationship and see if that is possible to create from your current one.
• Whether you decide to stay or leave, follow through that decision with full commitment and positivity.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. The ONLY reason you should stay in a relationship
2. How to get through bad patches in a relationship
3. Steps for finding the perfect partner

If you are not a follower of my twitter profile then you may be wondering where this week’s update is. I decided to have a short break from updates for a few weeks so you can all enjoy your festive seasons and have time to apply some of the advice I have given throughout 2009. The ‘Best of’ page has probably been updated since you last saw it so that is a good place to find some of the best articles on Sparklife.info.

Christmas is a great time for improving our dating lives and enriching our relationships, so try and make the extra effort to both socialise and appreciate loved ones over the holiday period!

Another reason for this short Christmas hiatus is that I am busy working on a comprehensive e-book for you lovely people, to be released early in the New Year. I don’t want to reveal too much yet but it will incorporate a lot of the ideas I discuss on this website, whilst containing completely new content. As with everything on this website, it will also be 100% free with no advertising or up-selling at all!

My personal path to a fulfilling relationship:

As a further festive treat, I have created a four-minute video that will let you understand my personal path to a fulfilling relationship a bit better.

As you know, I advocate a very proactive attitude towards dating and as a consequence, I created the following four-step process for finding the perfect partner:

1. Know what you are looking for [related article]
2. Meet a LOT of people [related article]
3. Experience different relationships [related article]
4. Repeat until you find that truly special person [related article]

Below is a video of my personal path through this process: [the video may not show up in some e-mail or RSS clients, in which case please view it here]

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

Much love,

Sam

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