Boundaries in the context of a relationship refer to the points at which acceptable behaviour crosses over into unacceptable behaviour. These points can and should be different for every relationship, based on the individuals involved. One thing that does not differ though is a positive correlation between boundaries being respected and how mutually fulfilling a relationship is.

There are different types of boundaries in a relationship; some are a lot more mutually beneficial than others. This article will describe those different types and discuss how to ensure that the boundaries in your relationship are always respected…

Assumption-based boundaries:

When you first start dating someone new, it is natural to fill in any gaps in rapport with assumptions about the other person’s character. As more intimate rapport is created, most of those gaps will get filled appropriately. However, boundaries are a common area where assumptions can supersede ever having a proper discussion and awareness of the subject.

Conveying your boundaries early in a relationship is a bold thing to do and most people are wary of not doing anything that might ruin a relationship before it has properly started. Consequently, a default practice is to assume that a new romantic interest has certain values and boundaries, perhaps similar to one’s own. The less varied relationship experience you have, the more basic these assumptions are likely to be.

If you do make assumptions about what your partner’s boundaries are and vice versa, at the very least you want to make sure that you both want the same commitment level in the relationship (an exclusive, monogamous relationship for example).

Remember that just because something is unacceptable in your eyes, it does not necessarily mean your partner automatically knows this. Likewise, if something is perfectly acceptable from your perspective, it does not necessarily mean your partner will be fine with it.

Fear-based boundaries:

All subconscious boundaries develop from previous experiences, but it is negative past experiences that have the most profound effect on the boundaries we impose. If you have fully trusted someone in the past, only to have that trust abused without any obvious warning, then you are likely to have at least a few fear-based boundaries.

Fear-based boundaries are those stemming from insecurity, jealousy and distrust. Not wanting your girlfriend or boyfriend to be around someone of the opposite sex because of what it could potentially lead to is a common example of a fear-based boundary.

The worst side-effect of fear-based boundaries, other than your partner feeling that you don’t trust them, is that it is easy to come across as controlling. Your partner should never feel that they cannot do something. Everything they choose to do in the relationship should be because of how you both want the relationship to be, not to protect the relationship from how you don’t want it to be!

Insecurities are something that you can turn around with personal effort and awareness but until one of your fears has actually manifested (the irony being that fear-based boundaries are often the cause of boundaries being crossed in the first place), understand that they are irrational and most importantly, a result of how you conduct yourself in the relationship!

Action-based boundaries:

Action-based boundaries are intended to be concise and self-explanatory: certain acts are unacceptable whereas anything else is fine. The problem with boundaries like these is that such actions are rarely instantaneous or without premeditation.

Some common action-based boundaries are:

• Being physically intimate with someone else
• Being emotionally intimate or flirty with someone else
• Showing contempt for the relationship
• Creating or causing arguments

The problem with the above is that they are all outcomes to a process; none of them occur without induction. Even if the above acts are unacceptable in your relationship, they do not signify a boundary being crossed; they signify the OUTCOME of a boundary being crossed!

For example, if your partner cheats on you with someone else, it is not the physical act that is the issue but what led to it, as well as the secrecy and dishonesty surrounding it. The cheating would be a symptom of a boundary being crossed, not the actual boundary itself!

Intention-based boundaries:

Intention-based boundaries differ from the previous types because they are flexible rather than fixed. They are not defined by physical acts but rather by certain attributes: respect, openness, honesty and integrity.

Someone who advocates intention-based boundaries judges each potential issue in a relationship on its own merits, as and when it happens.

The fact of the matter is that until you have actually experienced certain undesirable scenarios in your relationship (an action-based boundary being crossed for example), it is impossible to know exactly how you will react. That is why each instance should be judged on the intent behind it, rather than the act itself.

There is a big difference between boundaries being misunderstood or wrongfully assumed and boundaries being purposefully disregarded. Intention-based boundaries are about trusting that your partner will always act with respect, honesty and integrity towards your relationship. Consequently, the boundaries arrange themselves accordingly, without pressure or stipulation.

There are countless examples where your partner might inadvertently find themselves in an ambiguous or tricky situation and not know exactly how to react. As long as they are always acting with good intentions towards your relationship and what they know to be your values, they will by definition not cross that boundary.

How to ensure that your boundaries are respected:

It should be fairly obvious from the four separate definitions, which type of boundaries consistently lead to the most mutually fulfilling relationships. However, with most things in a relationship, you want to make sure that you and your partner are always on the same wavelength. They can’t respect your boundaries if they have no idea what they are!

Conveying your boundaries is more about an attitude than anything you have to verbally stipulate. As described throughout this article, boundaries do not have to be uncompromising, but your values, self-worth and integrity definitely should be.

A few traits that will help convey the sort of attitude I am describing are:

• Having high standards
• Possessing an abundance mentality
• Being confident
• Having self-respect
• Being non-judgemental

The last trait becomes even more important in long-term relationships because it will make your partner feel that they can tell you anything. They will be able to discuss their feelings and desires long before ever doing something that you would disapprove of.

Having that mutual awareness and understanding is what creates respectful boundaries. It does not mean that your partner should never be forgiven or given a chance to justify any unwanted behaviour. What it does mean is that your boundaries are always backed by reason.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Trust in a relationship – Trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend

Sometimes a nickname will spontaneously arise. If not, most people default to calling their partners and romantic interests by their actual name, or with something generic and unimaginative such as “babe”.

There is nothing inherently wrong with the above, but by using a generic name you neglect an easy opportunity to create a special connection and set yourself apart from everyone else in that person’s life!

A relationship develops over time, through several specific stages. As such, any nicknames you use will probably go through a similar evolution; the nickname changes and evolves as the relationship progresses.

Below are three stages in the evolution of the perfect nickname or pet name. They show how a nickname should change and evolve to mirror the commitment level and feelings in a relationship…

The teasing nickname:

When you meet someone for the first time and it is obvious that there is attraction between the two of you, you want to do things that set you apart from other suitors.

One of the main components of attraction is creating emotional spikes and there is no better way to do that than by being playful and teasing.

Some examples of a teasing nickname are “brat”, “dork”, “geek” and “goon”.

These examples might seem childish or even mildly offensive but if delivered correctly, they convey that you don’t take yourself too seriously, that you won’t be won over too easily and that you have high standards!

The teasing nickname is one that is slightly ambiguous in its meaning, but not in its delivery, something that is the essence of flirting. You certainly don’t want to make anyone feel insecure, so if you are unsure how the other person might react, use a teasing nickname that is more subdued than the examples I have given.

Attraction is all about spiking emotions and making each other smile. If you use a teasing nickname whilst still making it known that you like the person in question (smiling is one of many universal indicators), you can create a feeling of attraction that is distinguished from anyone else they have recently met.

The affectionate nickname:

Once you have actually started dating someone and mutual attraction is evident, you want to make your interest more obvious. You will naturally be building rapport during this time, as you get to know each other better. Here is where a more affectionate nickname will state your intentions and guide the other person into a more romantic and sexual frame.

Some examples of an affectionate nickname are “sweetie”, “cutie” and “sexy”.

Nicknames like these are still not very personalised but they have romantic and sexual connotations that state your intentions and once again set you apart from others.

As with the teasing nickname, it will be obvious whether the other person likes what you are calling them; it is likely that they will start calling you similar names in return if their feelings are mutual.

The endearing nickname:

When a relationship becomes more sincere and official, coming up with a meaningful and emotive nickname is extremely powerful. This is commonly referred to as a “pet name”; a name shared between two people with strong feelings for each other.

There is not much value in me giving examples here, as this sort of nickname should be unique, relevant to the specific person and most importantly, something only YOU call that person!

The endearing nickname I came up with for Heidi comes from an amalgamation of my favourite feature of hers and a fictional character we both like. I was teaching a dating seminar in Munich when I first started using it, so it quickly became a German translation of that new nickname (ich ist poorly translated version I must admit).

This was a few months into our relationship and I have been calling her it in private ever since; it always makes her smile.

If you don’t already use nicknames in your relationships or dating life then try using some and see how they are received.

Much love,

Sam (or a nickname of your choosing)

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By far the most common answer is to end up with “the one”… that one special person that matches all of their core values and surpasses everything else they look for in a romantic partner.

Whilst this is a lovely ideal in theory, how do you know when you have definitely found the right person? If you journey through relationships sequentially like the majority of people do, how do you know that there isn’t someone better suited to you out there each time?

This article will discuss whether there is indeed one special person for everyone, as well as provide some food for thought on how to know exactly what you are looking for in the world of love…

Does the perfect partner exist?

A surprising number of people believe in fate when it comes to relationships… that the right person will magically appear in their life without much searching. It can happen but more often than not, such a mindset leads to people forcing or settling for subpar relationships, rather than being proactive and enforcing high standards.

The notion of there being one perfect partner or soul mate is misguided… Instead, there are lots of potentially perfect partners out there.

In a sense, if you strip away superficial factors such as physical appearance, every single person that you meet is potentially the perfect partner, until proven otherwise!

Once you have a base level of attraction with someone, building on that is more a case of not doing anything wrong, rather than having to do everything right. As long as you don’t do anything to oppose someone’s personal standards or desires (and remember that attractive traits are universally desirable), you will continue to be a potential romantic interest and have the opportunity to progress towards a relationship.

Your knowledge of exactly what you are looking for in a relationship will change over time. The more people that you meet or date, and the more relationship experience that you accumulate, the more decisive your standards will become.

Does monogamy affect the perfect partner ideal?

Dating someone is very different to actually being in a relationship together. As mentioned above, when you are dating someone, although it is unnecessary to consciously categorise, that person can only potentially be the perfect partner for you. It is only once you have been in a relationship for some time that you can gradually confirm whether they do actually fulfil that role.

To make matters even more complicated, most people are constantly learning and changing.

The literal meaning of “monogamy” is one (mono) marriage (gamos) and in its modern usage, pertains to having one partner and one partner only.

At a conceptual level, monogamy does not exist because you and your partner should be constantly changing, adapting and improving… You are essentially always in a relationship with someone new!

It is the couples that go through the process of personal development at different rates that will start noticing imperfections in their once perfect partner.

The perfect partner:

Whilst nobody is “perfect”, you can definitely be with someone who is perfect for YOU at each moment in time. If that continues to be the same person and you are mutually committed to enriching the relationship then that is great… you are likely to have a long and fulfilling relationship together.

If, on the other hand, your partner is no longer fulfilling your evolving desires, perhaps your image of the perfect partner has changed.

The best relationships are those that are unbounded. I don’t regret any of my past relationships because every single one taught me something new and raised my standards even further. They not only taught me what I was really looking for in my perfect partner… but they also shaped me into becoming the perfect partner myself… the ultimate boyfriend that I always envisaged being. After all, you can only expect to be with the perfect partner if you believe you are the reciprocal perfect partner yourself!

Every relationship should teach you something new about what you really want in your love life. If you aren’t learning anything new then you are either not resolute enough when it comes to high standards… or you’ve found the one…

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Steps for finding the perfect partner
2. Is your partner perfect for you? Read this and see…

Read on for the story of how I approached and chatted to a rather famous celebrity, and how it went from miraculously well to unsalvageable in one swift swoop…

Lumos – Setting the scene:

You don’t expect to meet A-list celebrities where I am from. I live in a historic, little town with a hip vibe in the South of England but it is still far removed from the glitz of Beverly Hills.

On this particular night I was out at a funky, local bar with a medley of social circles. There were several people amongst these groups of friends that I knew very well and there were some that I had only met that night (a point that becomes significant later on in this story).

It was a jovial evening and spirits were high. El vino was flowing and the laughter was boisterous, but all the discussions had turned to focus on a glamorous maiden nestled away in the corner of the crowded bar. It didn’t take long for people to start recognising who she was… it was only EMMA WATSON, star of the world famous Harry Potter movies!!

Accio – Meeting Emma Watson:

My friends, knowing what I do for a living, were already goading me to go and approach her… I was up for the challenge, although I had to make a conscious effort not to let the awe of the situation get to me.

It was a live music night in the venue, loud and busy, so as I was strolling across the room, I knew I was going to start with a low-committal and high-compliance conversation starter. This type of conversation starter is anything that prompts a socially polite response, where you are unlikely to get a rude or dismissive reaction.

I arrive at the group, compose myself for a split second and say with a friendly smile, “Which band are you guys here to see?”

Emma and her friends turn to face me. “Err, we know the organiser” her tall, male friend nonchalantly replied.

“You guys don’t seem very local” I said with an inquisitive look, “whereabouts are you from?”

As I continued, I moved slightly to position myself more directly alongside the group. This seemingly insignificant action changes the dynamic completely, as I now become observably part of their group, rather than an outsider, a stranger.

This short exchange had warmed me to the group so I introduced myself, “I’m Sam, by the way,” as I held out my hand to greet my new friends.

Even though I already knew who I was speaking to, a flutter darted across my chest as she responded with a warm smile, “I’m Emma.” I snapped back to reality and composed myself. After all, my main focus of the whole interaction was to treat her like the normal person that she is, beneath the glamorous, celebrity shell.

Playing on the fact that they had never been to my hometown before, I decided to make the interaction a bit more fun. “Here, I’ll teach you the secret Surrey handshake that only a few special people around here know.”

I then proceeded to teach Emma an overly elaborate and comical handshake, dressed with various clicks, flicks and slaps. She absolutely loved this little routine and it was definitely starting to set me apart from most of the people she meets.

Wingardium Leviosa – Building rapport with Emma Watson:

“How do you all know each other?” I asked.

“We’re in a relationship together,” replied her tall friend Jay, motioning between himself and Emma.

Prior to this revelation I had an assumption that they might be a couple. This didn’t change anything. I would never disrespect someone’s relationship and I was simply enjoying making friends.

There were other people around Emma now so I turned my attention towards her boyfriend Jay. We had a brief chat about where he’s from and what he does etc. It was very basic conversation but I was definitely warming to this guy and I could see why he had wound up dating a celebrity megastar.

After a few minutes, I glanced over at Emma and she looked like she was feeling slightly excluded.

“I have an intuition about you,” I mused in her direction. I turned back to Jay, “do you mind if I borrow Emma for a second? We’ll just be over there,” I said, pointing a few feet away towards some chairs. He had other friends around him so I knew this wouldn’t be a problem. Emma and I stepped to one side.

I can’t remember my exact words during these few minutes in private with her but what I was basically doing was explaining some simple intuitions I had picked up about her during our limited interaction so far. This is something I’ve become very good at from years of studying social psychology and it is a lot more casual than it sounds.

I was enjoying getting to know Emma a bit better and for a brief moment her celebrity status had been washed away. It felt like I was getting to know the real her, beyond what the cameras see.

“You’re actually really cool and it would be great to keep in touch. Hand me your phone a second.”

Emma complied and I dialled my number from her phone so that I also had her number. I could feel my friends’ stares burning on the back of my head from across the bar and I was conscious of not outstaying my welcome, so we rejoined Emma’s entourage and I prepared to say my goodbyes, however I didn’t get quite as far as that…

Avada Kedavra – The interaction takes a turn for the worse:

Craig was a quiet but pleasant guy with blonde, shaggy hair. I had been introduced to him at the beginning of the night, several hours ago, but had barely spoken to him since then. This is what made the next few moments even more of a surprise.

As I was wrapping up my meeting with my new friends, out of nowhere came an inebriated bellow, “Sam, is that Emma Watson!!” Before I had a chance to respond, Craig was alongside me awkwardly clinging to Emma’s midriff, whilst bouncing up and down chanting “oh my word, it is you!”

As amusing as this scene must have looked to everyone around us, I could sense the instant unease amongst Emma and her friends, so I decided the best course of action was to politely drag my acquaintance away.

As we headed back to our friends, Craig seemed blissfully unaware of his social faux pas and was still noticeably excited that we had a celebrity in our presence.

Reparo – The aftermath:

I rejoined my friends and was hit with a barrage of questions about everything we had talked about. I dismissed Craig’s little cameo from my mind… I had Emma’s phone number after all, so I could speak to her again regardless.

I continued with our jovial night out and hadn’t noticed that Craig had slunk off from our party. Several minutes later, Craig appears before me with a beaming smile, “Sam you’re going to love me.”

He continued, “I went back to Emma and told her it was your birthday. I said that you were a massive Harry Potter fan but you were too shy to ask for her autograph. Here, I got this for you.”

He proudly presented me with a crumpled napkin like a king being bestowed his crown for the first time. I unfolded the napkin to reveal a scrawled message written and signed by Emma Watson.

I glanced over and saw Emma and her friends leaving the bar. Craig had unwittingly transformed me from a cool guy she had met randomly… into another obsessed fan of hers! Perhaps she didn’t believe Craig’s revelation (it certainly was not congruent with how I had been behaving) but even so, I knew my chances of having a wealthy, celebrity friend had just taken a dramatic nosedive…

Much love,

Sam

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Heidi and I have been living together for quite a while now and although we are still just as happy in our relationship as we have always been, there are several new lessons we have learnt from being in each other’s company all the time.

This article will discuss some of those insights and share some tips about how to adapt your relationship accordingly once you are living together.

Please feel free to share your experiences, thoughts and insights in the comments section once you have finished reading and I will respond as soon as possible…

Little things that might annoy you:

Your partner is not an extension of you and they are likely to have had a very different upbringing to your own. As such, they will inevitably do certain things around the house differently to what you are used to. Prior to living together, these seemingly trivial habits go largely unnoticed or ignored. When living together, you have to accept that every little thing you do affects your partner in one way or another.

Rather than have one of you dictate how certain things should be done around the house, discover a new, joint way to do things, combining the best tricks and traits from your individual lifestyles. Embrace the changes and make sure you are both contributing equally to a happy home, regardless of who pays the bills or who does most of the chores.

Avoid becoming dependent on your partner:

One of the most important things to ensure when living with your girlfriend or boyfriend is that you still have your own lives and you continue to be the person you want to be!

You will be sharing a lot more of your time together but it is still healthy for the relationship if you maintain some of your own passions, core social circles and activities. Not only do these keep the relationship in perspective and make sure you remain attractive and engaging but most importantly, they prevent you becoming needy or dependent on your partner!

Being independent also applies around the house. Make sure you are both contributing equally towards a happy household. This includes sharing chores and being considerate towards each other’s schedules.

You should make an extra effort to ensure that your partner always feels appreciated. For example, if your partner is always cooking dinner, surprise them by taking over the role and letting them relax whenever you can.

Keep the spark:

One of the biggest threats to a relationship when you move in together is monotony and routine.

Some common areas where a routine can easily set in are evening activities, daily conversation and perhaps the biggest one, your sex-life!

One of the primary goals that Heidi and I have is to make living together incredibly enjoyable. We will always try and find fun and productive activities to do together rather than relying on any uninspiring, default activities to fill our time.

Watching television is a common default activity for couples to do when they live together and is one of the biggest killers of excitement and connection in a relationship.

Heidi and I watch TV perhaps once a week (and even then it is something we have specifically chosen to watch) because we find so much other fun stuff to do together instead. It is all about making the effort to get creative, connect with each other and continually enrich the relationship, rather than stagnate it.

Remember the foundations of your relationship:

Another aspect of the relationship that is easy to lose sight of is the attraction and romance side. Never forget the foundations of your relationship! It may sound rather excessive but attracting your partner and fulfilling their emotional and physical desires should be a daily mission.

The little things still count a lot, perhaps even more so now you are in each other’s company so frequently. Romantic gestures and thoughtful gifts are more important now than ever before as they will ensure that your partner never feels taken for granted.

Be grateful and acknowledge what your partner does for you and the household. It may sound like an overkill to be outwardly grateful and complimentary all the time but this sort of behaviour is hard to overdo.

Share chores and show great appreciation for everything your partner does towards a pleasant household. Every time they do the dishes for example, thank them and show your appreciation… better yet, do something nice in return (a massage perhaps).

Learn to make up quickly:

If you want to have a happy and peaceful abode, you must learn to make up quickly, or better yet, prevent arguments and other negative occurrences from happening in the first place. An article that discusses this topic can be found at the following link: ‘How to prevent arguments in a relationship’.

Two of my favourite tips from the above article are…

• Make sure that the first few minutes when you see your partner each day are exceedingly positive. Even if you have had a rough day, making an effort to be enthusiastic, happy and loving during this time sets a positive mood for the rest of your time together.
• Emotions can be changed in an instant and negative emotions can be flipped long before they escalate into full-blown arguments or resentment. Make it a priority to try and positively change your partner’s mood when you sense that they need it, in an attempt to avoid any negativity.

Depending on the setup of your relationship prior to moving in together and how long you have been a couple, you are likely to see a side to your partner that you haven’t seen before. In fact, you will now witness their whole range of emotions and it is down to you to accept and adapt to those changes, whilst continuing to make the relationship as fulfilling as possible.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. 10 ways to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend
2. Topics to avoid with your girlfriend or boyfriend
3. Trust in a relationship – Trusting your girlfriend or boyfriend

People often confuse shyness with having an introvert personality and some even think that overcoming either of these is an insurmountable challenge. This is not the case.

This article will explain how shyness isn’t necessarily a bad thing and provide some tips on how to overcome it. I will relate it to my own experiences of going from notably shy and reserved in my youth, to confident and comfortable in any social scenario…

Introvert and extrovert personality types:

Most people lean towards one of two personality types, introvert or extrovert, and you can be equally shy in either case.

There are many misconceptions as to what exactly an introvert is. People often mistakenly think of an introvert as a social recluse, one who despises and avoids social interaction wherever possible.

An introvert is simply someone who draws their energy, thoughts and feelings from their inner world and is decidedly selective in their social endeavours.

An extrovert is typically more gregarious, outspoken and consistently fond of the company of others.

It is a combination of these contrasting traits that gives the impression that an introvert is also shy by default.

The difference between being an introvert and being shy:

The terms “introvert” and “shy” often get used interchangeably but there is a key distinction between the two.

Shyness is a learnt behaviour formed from beliefs and experiences, usually during childhood. In a general sense, shyness is a fear of social interactions. In comparison, introversion is merely an internal preference towards social interactions.

One of the main barriers to overcoming shyness is being labelled, by others and also by ourselves. Constantly reaffirming that you are “shy” only validates the associated beliefs and behaviours, especially when faced with a social situation where that shyness is a conscious hindrance.

Due to the social stigma against introversion and shyness, I generally recommend against purposefully stating that you are “shy”. If you embrace the way you are without using it as a restriction, you can take small steps over time to change the aspects that are undesirable to you.

Going from shy to sociable:

This is exactly how I overcame the shyness I possessed. I made small, manageable and conscious steps as often as possible, starting with talking to strangers regularly and getting more involved at social gatherings. As experience and confidence grows, shyness becomes something that you are completely in control of: you can choose when and with whom to interact with, regardless of whether you are an introvert or an extrovert.

Even now I would class myself as leaning towards the introvert side of the personality scale. I enjoy meeting people, making friends and interacting with others but I also enjoy my own quiet time and I am not particularly brazen in social environments. This can sometimes be viewed as shyness to outsiders and that’s fine.

This may seem rather surprising for someone who has worked predominantly as a dating coach for so many years and indeed I do have a style that is unique and renowned amongst fellow relationship and dating coaches.

Your personality type does not have to directly affect your dating life and relationships; it will just modify your approach to them!

Fear and ego in shyness:

It is counter-intuitive to think of the ego as something associated with shyness but that is actually what it is. Shyness is an ego-protection mechanism born out of fear and presumption.

Another term that describes this internal struggle is outcome dependence. Outcome dependence as described here is the fear of repercussions as a result of specific social interactions. If you want to be fully comfortable and confident in any social interaction, as well as being able to approach and start a conversation with anyone that you choose to, then you must start refraining from assuming, pre-empting or hoping for a specific outcome. Try to be in the moment whenever possible.

An article that discusses this aspect of shyness and how to establish a proactive mindset towards being less shy is the popular article, ‘Dealing with approach anxiety’.

Working with your shyness:

You can be shy and still have adept social skills; you just have to work to your strengths.

For example, whenever I attend a party or other social venue, I am much more interested in connecting with a chosen few, rather than be seen as a raucous socialite. I would rather make a deep and lasting impression with one person than be casually remembered by everyone.

If you are shy, forget about the big picture and how you appear to everyone else and start by becoming more confident talking to less threatening or domineering people. It actually makes the other person value the interaction if they assume you are shy but you have started to get to know each other anyway.

Once you start making sincere connections with even a few people, it doesn’t take long for that to transpire into your social life in general, as well as becoming more pragmatic in developing fulfilling relationships.

Being a storyteller and being a good listener:

Storytelling is something that is touted as being essential to creating attraction and lasting memories with the people you meet. Whilst I acknowledge that being able to hold and engage a group with a story is a great skill to have, it is not as imperative as some people make out.

I am not the greatest storyteller. Yes I do have lots of stories but I tend to keep them short and interactive, rather than long and emotive. I much prefer encouraging others to tell their stories and to interact through those. If you are shy you can probably relate to this.

The most important thing is to learn to be socially aware, so that you can sense when someone is feeling awkward or uneasy. This will only be perfected through experience. Small talk and other related social norms were created for this very reason. The last thing you want is for people to misinterpret any shyness you have as disinterest or rudeness, so use simple conversation pieces to lead into more meaningful rapport at a later stage.

Listening intently and encouraging others to talk whilst showing full interest is an easy first step to overcoming shyness.

I hope this article has been useful and interesting and I’d love to hear from anyone who feels that they are an introvert, an extrovert or particularly shy, or if you have had to deal with shyness in the past. Please leave a comment in the provided section below if you have anything to share or ask.

Much love,

Sam

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Whilst this article focuses on determining how well your partner compliments your deepest relationship desires, it can also be read as a self-evaluation. If you want to be with the perfect partner for you, it goes without saying that you should be the perfect partner in return! It is only once you have both of these factors in place that you have the ingredients for the perfect relationship…

Emotional desires:

Everyone has their own personal beliefs and behaviours, developed via their own unique experiences in life. Part of forming a romantic relationship is not necessarily matching those beliefs and behaviours but adapting them to work together.

As discussed in the article ‘The Happy Relationship Timeline’, there comes a point in every relationship where the euphoric feelings of early attraction start to be integrated with more realistic life plans, as well as a deeper and more serious level of intimacy.

Having someone who fulfils your emotional desires is, on a basic level, being with someone who understands you.

Even typically negative emotional traits such as jealousy or anger are not necessarily bad if you are with a partner who empathises with such behaviour, without compromising their own emotional desires of course.

Gary Chapman in his book ‘The five love languages’ hypothesises that individuals will seek one of five different expressions of love from their partner or spouse. He concludes that by discovering which of the five you and your partner seek, you can cater for those desires accordingly. The five love languages he lists are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Whilst there is truth that people will naturally appreciate certain expressions of love over others, the overriding point is that most people strive to be with someone that fully understands and supports all of their emotional desires.

Physical desires:

Whilst physical desires (sex, intimacy and physical touch) are only one part of a fulfilling relationship, for many couples it can be the final make or break beyond an emotional connection. An unfulfilling sex life is something that can gradually develop and is one of the primary causes of infidelity.

Physical desires are not just about being with someone who is sexually expressive and selfless, but also having someone who is consistently close and comforting with their intimacy, rather than ever being distant.

When it comes to dealing with couples who are unsatisfied physically, it usually comes down to a lack of communication (never expressing those physical desires) or a lack of effort to become a better lover (accepting a mediocre sex life). A masterful lover should understand their partner’s body better than anybody else and become resolute and proactive in gaining that ability.

Growth desires:

With a bit of proactive dating, it is actually relatively easy to find someone who fulfils both your emotional desires and your physical desires. Finding someone who also has congruent growth desires and actively assists those desires is somewhat trickier.

All marriages or similarly long-term, committed relationships end because one person “changed”, or somewhat contradictory, “didn’t change”. To avoid those feelings, as the relationship progresses, a couple must change together. This includes supporting and encouraging each other’s goals and passions, as well as adapting to the results of any personal development.

With an ever evolving relationship, certain lapses in understanding are inevitably going to occur. Occasional moments of frustration or insecurity will crop up in a dynamic relationship. These moments are fine as long as you and your partner can quickly acknowledge them for what they are and use them as a learning experience.

It is when someone continually imposes the same negative occurrences (jealousy or arguments for example) with no awareness that they start to create distance and contempt with their partner.

It is ok to make mistakes in a relationship but it is how you act afterwards that is important. A fulfilling relationship is a constant process of learning, improving and adapting to each other’s growth desires.

Conclusion:

By definition, a partner that fulfils all of your emotional, physical and growth desires is the perfect partner for you. In my many years of working with couples from all sorts of different backgrounds, I am yet to meet someone who has cheated on their partner whilst sincerely believing that they fulfil those three criteria.

Remember that only the most socially astute person will be able to completely fulfil all three areas without at least some guidance and encouragement from you along the way. This is most certainly a mutual activity and by taking the time and effort to fully discover and understand your partner’s emotional, physical and growth desires, they will much more inclined to reciprocate.

Much love,

Sam

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One step further is preventing arguments from occurring in the first place! It is an advanced skill for couples to achieve but one that ultimately leads to the most continually positive and fulfilling relationships.

This article will discuss some useful methods for preventing arguments in a relationship before they even get started…

Maintaining love, value and respect:

I’ve stated many times before that the majority of arguments and negativity in a relationship stem from not feeling loved, valued or respected enough.

Hence it sounds elementary that the prevention of arguments is achieved simply by maintaining a mutual and healthy level of love, value and respect. It is indeed that simple on the surface but the process along with its obstacles is slightly more complicated.

The rest of this article will discuss more specific ways to maintain love, value and respect but if you keep those three concepts in mind at all times, you give yourself the best chance of catching yourself before you ever reach argument mode.

A quick tip to maintain love, value and respect:

One of the most important rituals in a relationship is the first time you see each other and each time you say goodbye. Even if you have daily frustrations vented up or you are feeling in a bad mood, if you make a conscious effort to be enthusiastic, positive and loving when you first see your other half, you will avoid the risk of taking your temper out on them or setting a negative mood.

I’ve witnessed this one technique alone have extremely positive effects on a couple’s relationship. If you always greet and leave each other with positive emotions, you will find it far less tempting to argue with each other during the times in between.

Rid your relationship of blame and ego:

If you break down the actual content of any argument, it will usually be fuelled by something that has happened in the past, whether directly or indirectly. Either way, it manifests as a form of blame; blame that derives from a feeling of injustice or a feeling that your partner is inconsiderate or wrong.

This is one of the primary issues to overcome if you are to completely rid your relationship of arguments: the need to feel right!

This links back to the previous section about maintaining a mutual and healthy level of love, value and respect. If you make an effort to prosper across all three areas, you will never feel the need to highlight that your partner is wrong.

Heidi and I by no means agree on everything but we always respect and empathise with each other’s viewpoint. The substance for an argument is merely a different opinion, feeling or emotion to yours and it takes an enlightened mind to realise and empathise with that.

It’s great to be able to let things go in your relationship, even if you are adamant that you are in the right. Having said that, a common trap to fall into is to not actually let the argument go completely and stockpile these moments for a later time. In this case, you aren’t preventing an argument, you are merely postponing it!

Arguing couples can fit into two categories. The first are the ones who constantly seem to be arguing about trivial things and rarely seem to find solace. The second are ones who do the stockpiling technique I mentioned and after going a certain amount of time without any arguments, will let it all out in an eventual crescendo of acrimony.

Letting go of blame and ego influenced arguments means truly and deeply letting go and not merely postponing those feelings.

Anticipate arguments:

One thing that gets easier over time is learning to predict your partner’s mood and calibrate your behaviour accordingly. If your partner has had a long day or you can sense their frustration building up then the onus is on you to actively avoid any negative emotional spikes.

A negative emotional spike is an instance, be it verbal or physical that antagonises or fuels your partner’s temper.

Such spikes of emotion are easy to avoid by being more aware and biting your tongue if you start to feel criticised or attacked. This leads into the next point about changing emotions.

Change their mood, not their mind:

One of the great things about emotions is that they can be changed in an instant. Imagine you are having a terrible day where nothing seems to be going right and everything seems to be infuriating you. Now imagine that your boss calls you unexpectedly and tells you that you are getting a promotion… Instant change of mood!

This same concept can be applied to your relationship. Following on from the earlier point about anticipating arguments, make it a priority to try and positively change your partner’s mood when they most need it. Positive emotions are contagious and easily reciprocated.

Encourage discussions without judgement:

The final point is to understand the distinction between an argument and a discussion. Discussions are great in a relationship as they reflect a deep level of connection and rapport. This is provided that any negative emotions or judgemental attitudes can be kept at bay. After all, an argument is simply a discussion with added negative emotions!

It is ok to disagree in a relationship… It is HOW you disagree that is important. One of the most underrated sayings in a relationship is “let’s agree to disagree”. If you can disagree without coming across as patronising, condescending and most importantly, without implying that anyone is “right” or “wrong”, then those discussions should never escalate into full-blown arguments.

Much love,

Sam

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Related posts:

1. Dealing with arguments in a relationship
2. Do you have an ego in your relationship?

It may be the case that your partner simply doesn’t know any better, having only ever experienced a mediocre sex-life.

The fact is that however satisfactory your sex-life is, you can always improve, be it with new techniques, improved performance or trying new experiences.

If you are keen to enrich your sex-life then the following list will give a good basis of initial things to be aware of. Below are 10 common mistakes men make in the bedroom…

1.) Thinking sex isn’t as important to women:

In modern culture women are often portrayed as less promiscuous than men, or at least are seen to be less brazen about their sexual activity. This can lead to men believing that women don’t desire or enjoy sex as much as they do.

The reality is that women do enjoy fulfilling sex just as much as men do but the way their bodies are wired means that arousal levels aren’t always as instantaneous as those of a man.

Couples who gradually drift into a relationship of less and less frequent sex usually do so because they start making assumptions about their partner’s sex-drive. This also comes about by always expecting to both be ‘in the mood’ before engaging with each other intimately.

Sex-drive correlates quite accurately with how fulfilling sex is for that particular person. The better that sex is with a particular person, the more you will crave it with them. Likewise, the better you become at turning your partner on with simple touches, the easier it will be to initiate sex.

2.) No longer being a man:

I’ve talked about sexual polarity in the past, most notably in the article ‘Getting your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more sexually expressive’.

Sexual polarity basically involves there being clear dominant and submissive roles in a sexual relationship. These roles can swap between male and female at different times but truly fulfilling sex always involves that polarity. Sex without the contrast of sexual polarity becomes permissive, hesitant and monotonous.

Obviously sex can and should be a very emotional and loving experience but there are times when a woman wants you to unashamedly take control in the bedroom and lust for her.

3.) Not enjoying or doing enough foreplay:

Most men see foreplay as a means to an end and although foreplay is mutually enjoyable, its value to a woman’s sex-life is far more pertinent than that of a man.

A good metaphor for sexual arousal is that a man’s sexual arousal is like a switch whereas a woman’s sexual arousal is more like a slider.

The thing that makes sex incredible for a woman is anticipation and being sexually teased. Foreplay is all about these two things!

Learn to enjoy foreplay as an act on its own and not simply a direct route towards sexual intercourse. Take your time and try different foreplay techniques to find out exactly what drives your woman wild. The payoff is that sexual intercourse will be far more fulfilling if you are both already at an intense level of arousal.

4.) Thinking what works for one woman works for them all:

Dispelling this assumption was the first enlightened moment I personally had with regards to a truly fulfilling sex-life and one that only really develops with experience.

It is incredible how much variation there is between what different women like in the bedroom. This includes things such as pressure, roughness and sensitivity, as well as their own differing levels of experience and confidence. These all vary greatly between women and it is only by learning, experimenting and observing her physical reactions that you will discover what works for her.

If you have trouble reading your girlfriend’s responses then there is also no harm in asking her directly what she likes. You may not always be told a specific answer though (perhaps she doesn’t even know yet herself) so learning how women respond to different things in the bedroom is important.

Even if you feel that you do know exactly what pleases your wife or girlfriend, constantly giving her a variety of sexual experiences is the fastest way to a varied and fulfilling sex-life.

5.) Being emotionless in bed:

The fastest way to a monotonous sex-life is being silent, emotionless and robotic during sex!

It may take a while to become comfortable enough with your partner to get to an advanced level but dirty talk is a severely underrated sexual technique. Other than this, simply giving audible enjoyment and showing more emotion in bed will improve your sex-life drastically.

Eye-contact is another aspect of connecting that develops on from this and is one of the most powerfully intimate things to do during sex. You’ll notice how much more comfortable and loving this becomes the longer you have been with someone.

Whenever sex becomes a routine, the emotion and desire behind it is usually the first thing to subside.

6.) Not being able to control ejaculation:

Premature ejaculation is something that is common amongst men. In fact, whether particularly premature or not, most men could improve their control of how and when they ejaculate.

This is mainly an experience issue and you will become better at this the more you have sex. One thing that helps is learning not to put too much pressure or anxiety on sexual performance. Having an understanding and loving partner helps in this instance.

Although non-judgemental sex is the best solution to work on this issue, you can also privately practice control in this area (I don’t think I need to go into further detail with what I mean there). As another practical solution, there is also a training technique called ‘Kegel exercises’ that can help towards having more control in this area.

7.) Not knowing when she has an orgasm:

One of the biggest mood killers in the bedroom is asking if the other person has had an orgasm yet or asking when they would like you to stop. Not only does it devalue the whole sexual experience but it shows a lack of understanding of your partner’s body.

There are a lot of dubious statistics flying around about how many women fake orgasms. The fact is that it should be very easy to tell the difference between a fake orgasm and a real one, both physically and visually.

There are more advanced techniques with regards to this such as getting a woman to orgasm on cue but the most important thing is to have belief in what you are doing and how easily you can make her have a true orgasm.

8.) Thinking sex is only about techniques:

As you become a better and more long-term lover, you’ll realise that the emotion of sex becomes as important, if not more important that any specific techniques.

An insight I recently wrote on my twitter profile was “a woman’s imagination is one of her biggest erogenous zones”. What this means is that women in general are amazing at making imagery extremely vivid. If you can combine other sensory techniques along with standard sexual practices, you can give women the most intense orgasms of all.

To be able to do this you have to create what I call ‘sexual trust’. The more sexual trust you build with each other, the easier it is to completely let go whilst in the throes of passion.

9.) Concentrating on your own sexual gratification or worrying too much about hers:

Both of these will lead to sexual anxiety, which is a contributing factor to several of the above points.

Concentrating solely on your own sexual gratification is likely to leave your wife, girlfriend or lover feeling underwhelmed or unsatisfied once you finish. On the other hand, worrying too much about her sexual enjoyment is likely to affect performance, particularly related to ejaculatory control.

Learn to let go, enjoy sex for what it is and take the pressure off of your performance altogether. The irony is that you are likely to perform better if you do.

10.) Not intent on improving, getting help or experimenting:

As I mentioned in the introduction of this article, however skilled you are in the bedroom, you can always improve further!

This starts at a basic level. Unfortunately there is not a lot of decent mainstream education for men with regards to sexual fulfilment. Sex Education in schools and pornography do nothing but limit or hinder any advanced knowledge.

Set about searching for quality, well-informed books and videos on the topic of sex and don’t be embarrassed to do so. I can almost guarantee that there are a number of revolutionary sexual practices and techniques that you are not yet aware of.

This concludes the 10 common mistakes men make in the bedroom. Please leave any comments in the section below…

Much love,

Sam

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Check the archives in the sidebar for more articles.

This article will discuss some tips for having an incredible first date, which paves the way for whatever sort of relationship you are looking for. I will also answer some common first date questions throughout. Feel free to add your own experiences in the comments section at the bottom of this article…

The best attitude to have on a first date:

Most people’s downfall when arranging or actually going on a first date with someone new is putting far too much pressure and outcome dependence on what might happen.

As I’ve said in the past, I’ve always found it useful to think of a date as “hanging out with someone” rather than with any romantic implications. The more informal and casual you make the date sound when discussing plans, the more relaxed the other person will feel about the whole event.

How to act on a first date:

The first few minutes of a date often determines how the rest of it will go and how at ease everyone feels. The absolute worst thing to occur is an awkward silence or a sense of unfamiliarity when you first meet.

What I often used to do when I first met a woman for a date was give her a big overly-enthusiastic hug, as it immediately gets her in a fun state as well as breaking any physical reservations immediately. Even more important though is to smile genuinely and to start talking and interacting straight away.

As for gestures and actions, I always advocate being gentlemanly and polite but never submissive.

Remember that the purpose of a date is to get to know each other; there are obviously fun and boring ways to go about this. You want to ask lots of questions although never making it seem like an interview. If you struggle to come up with interesting questions, statements and stories then I actually have several ‘games’ you can play on a date that achieve this that I am happy to share by request.

Who should pay on a first date?

A lot of guys still worry about who should pay on a first date as it does indeed set a precedent for any relationship thereafter.

As with most things related to dating, something is only an issue if you make it an issue! Even so, there are still a lot of assumptions that people have about who should pay on a date.

A great way to diffuse any awkwardness over who should pay is to casually address the situation before it crops up. An example of what I used to say is something like, “I’ll get these drinks and you can get the ice-creams later.”

If you have the money and you are happy to pay then by all means do so, as long as it isn’t forced or obligatory. The only thing to remember is that roles such as this are a lot harder to change down the line than set out at the beginning of a relationship… If you don’t want to pay for everything if a relationship does develop then don’t pay for everything whilst dating!

Getting physical on a first date:

Following on from my suggestion of greeting your date with a hug, you want to go through the date with a smooth progression of physical touch. This begins with social touch (touching areas of the body like the shoulders and forearms) to more romantic touch such as hand-holding and prolonged contact. The key is to have a smooth escalation of all these different types of touch right from the beginning so that there are never any awkward jumps in levels of intimacy.

Kissing is really just another stage on this scale, somewhere between romantic touch and sexual touch.

This should answer the question about when to kiss on a first date: the answer being once your date is comfortable with romantic touch (touching areas such as the hands, legs and face).

Where to go on a first date:

One of my very first articles on Sparklife.info was an article titled ‘The perfect first date’, which described what I believe is the best first date. I shall paraphrase some of that information here.

Cliché dates such as going to the cinema or going to dinner may well be enjoyable but they don’t allow the best opportunity for two people to connect and engage with each other.

A far better alternative is to arrange something quick, easy, low-commitment, casual and fun. This can be simply going for a drink together or perhaps meeting in a town centre or shopping mall for a bit. The activity shouldn’t have to be the source of fun… you should be!

You will also get far less flakes or rejections on dates such as these as there is far less pressure and expectation for a potential relationship.

Some final first date tips:

The main thing on a first date is to have fun and not worry about any eventual outcome for now. Every date is a learning experience.

Don’t hesitate to go on lots of dates and never pre-empt someone being ‘the one’ before you have really got to know them.

Please leave a comment or share this article if you enjoyed it.

Much love,

Sam

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2. The perfect first date