If you’re struggling with a mental illness, you might feel overwhelmed with to-do lists, gifts, cookies, meals, decorations, and get-togethers. A lot is packed into a few short months.

Here are 10 ways to help you make it through these next few months.

1. Remember (and state) the positive. Sure, Uncle Hector might belch at inopportune times, but he taught you how to fish when you were five. Your son’s boyfriend might be in pajama pants, but think about how happy he makes him. Say these things out loud, and you will see a visible change in their demeanor. Too often we keep the compliments to ourselves and spew out the negatives. Try to turn that around. Keep the negative from escaping and state all the positive things that enter your mind.
2. Have a Wingman/Wingwoman. This is the person that will stand between you and the person who stresses you out. Wingmen provide buffers to limit interactions that cause distress. They can serve as a physical barrier but also an emotional one. If your mom is a criticizer, your wingman could say something in your defense. They can also provide emergency hugs, knowing glances, and reassuring words
3. Talk to your supportive loved ones beforehand. If there is a lot of animosity within your extended family, tell your spouse. Let her know that you might need extra support. This way they can keep an extra eye out for you. Smartphones have made clandestine conversations very easy by texting. You can receive support while your loved one is in the other room!
4. Devise an escape plan. It might get to the point where things are simply too difficult and you feel the need to leave. Consider taking a walk or drive if a short break would be helpful. If you’re in your own house, allow yourself to retreat to an empty room and take time to breathe. Learn a couple of deep breathing techniques and use them.
5. Adjust your expectations. If you go in thinking that this will finally be the year grandma doesn’t get drunk and curse out the kids, or that this will be the year where no one argues politics, you’re most likely to be disappointed. Try and keep your expectations both small but also realistic. It’s even better if you can keep your expectations limited to things that you have control over. For example, you might have the expectation that the party ends on time. You can make the decision to leave, even if others are still there.
6. Keep the conversation focused on the current times, not on old wounds. Family patterns tend to remain stuck in time, and childhood wounds are easily reopened. Take the high road and don’t joke or bring up things that are painful to the other person. Yes, the story about when Aunt Janet sleepwalked naked is hilarious, Aunt Janet might not think so. So she’ll bring up the time you snuck out and smoked pot when you were 16, which will make you mad, and so on.
7. Know when to be quiet. If you feel your temper rising, step back. If your voice is rising, step back. If loud voices are a trigger for you, try and leave the conversation or room before things get heated. Your silence sends a loud message, as well.
8. Don’t drink to excess. Or just don’t drink at all! Alcohol’s ability to loosen inhibitions is legendary.
9. Agree to disagree. Or even agree simply to get out of the conversation. It’s okay to walk away when things get upsetting. And conversations that are heated often end poorly. The phrase, “let’s agree to disagree” is powerful.
10. Remember it’s only a few hours. Bite your tongue and laugh it off. Allow the craziness to slip off you and enjoy the rest.
11. (BONUS) find a pet. They can be a distraction, a way of soothing yourself, and you get all the benefits petting an animal brings.

The holidays are stressful, and this can be especially true if you struggle with mental illness. So this is the season to take extra good care of yourself. Try to do things that are comforting. Eat foods that taste delicious and nourish your body. See your therapist for extra support. You deserve to be treated with kindness and love.

• Anyone who has interacted with children can relate to the frustration that comes with being asked, begged, and pleaded with for something over and over.

Kids are notorious for not taking ‘no’ for an answer. They wear us down by the constant questions they repeat until we give in.

As a mom, I’m guilty of this. “Can I have one?” “No.” “Please!” “No!” “Just one?” “NO!”  “I promise I won’t ever ask you for one again!!!” And I relent. As a therapist, I worry about what I’m teaching her about the meaning of the word ‘no.’

Parenting is hard. Even with the greatest kid and the most supportive partner, we mess up in a myriad of ways. We lose our cool and yell. We use television as a babysitter too often. We forget about concerts and parent-teacher conferences. And many times we inadvertently teach them that when they say ‘no,’ it doesn’t matter and will not be taken seriously.

Children learn what is acceptable and what is not by seeing how we treat them and how we treat others. Parents and adults interacting with children need to be aware of the messages we are sending them. They need to know that their voice matters and when they say no, it will be taken seriously, so when this doesn’t happen they will be aware it’s wrong.

We know we want our kids to be empowered, strong, and to respect themselves and others. How do we get there? Here are three simple things you can do to teach your child that their voice matters.

• Let kids know when they have a choice in a situation, and when they don’t. For example, they may say ‘no’ to getting a vaccination and they will still have to get a vaccination. Explain why. If possible, let them decide something like which arm the shot will go in or what color bandaid or sticker they get. Later, give them something they can decide on, such as what they’d like for dinner.
• Be a good example. Let them hear you respect other people’s ‘no’s .’ And allow them to hear you state your ‘no’ and be firm about it in appropriate situations such as pushy salespeople or persistent requests from family members. This even applies to times when you yourself are touched out and don’t want to be climbed on. A phrase such as, “Right now I really need some physical space. I love you and promise to snuggle after dinner,” can go a long way. You are acknowledging their need while respecting your own.
• Inform grandparents, aunts and uncles, and other relatives that if your child doesn’t want a hug or a kiss or to sit on their lap, that is to be respected at all times. Intervene when needed. Imagine how confusing it is for a child to be told that some people are allowed to hug and tickle and kiss them, but others are not.

As children grow older, they will be in situations where people will push them to do things they don’t want to do, such as hazing rituals, unwanted sexual advances, alcohol or illegal drug use. Knowing how to say ‘no’ forcefully, and what to do when their ‘no’ isn’t respected, such as walking away or getting help from a trusted adult, is a skill that will last a lifetime.

So when I tell my child no and she asks again, I’ll try to say something such as, “I know this is something you really want, but I’ve made my decision. You need to respect my ‘no’ and not ask again,” or “this is really important to you. I can tell because you keep asking. Let me think about it some more. But when I give you my answer, I need you to respect it and not ask again.” She will roll her eyes at me, but she listens. And I hope she understands that her ‘no’ needs to be respected, but that she also needs to respect the ‘no’ of others.

Saying ‘no’ and obtaining consent is about more than just sex. It’s about control over one’s body. It’s about boundaries and self-respect. It’s about knowing what to do when someone disregards your choice and forces you to do something you don’t want to, physical or otherwise. We all deserve to have our voices heard and respected, and it can start in childhood.

Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist and turned down the idea because you couldn’t find a therapist you liked closeby, or the therapist didn’t have hours that matched with your schedule? Maybe you’re intrigued by the idea of online counseling and don’t know where to start. Ads for online counseling services are popping up everywhere lately, touting the benefits of using technology to provide a service that is usually linked to a one-on-one meeting in a private office. What is this all about?

What is online counseling? Most practitioners use this term to mean therapy that consists of mostly or entirely work through live video conferencing, email, texting or instant messaging, real-time chat, or phone service over the internet. For this post, I’m using the word online counseling to describe using a video service to connect and have sessions with a therapist who is not physically present.

What are some of the reasons people use online counseling? People utilize online therapy for a wide variety of reasons.

• Some people may live in isolated areas where there are not many therapists to choose from.
• Others have chronic illnesses, which can make it difficult to physically get outside of the house.
• Online therapy is useful for those who don’t have readily accessible transportation.
• Caregivers for children and the sick/elderly find that online therapy is very convenient.

What are some of the benefits of online therapy? There are many, which makes it easy to understand why the field of online counseling is rapidly growing all over the world.

• Comfort: I have had clients tell me that they find it easier to open up when they’re sitting comfortably in their own space. They can have therapy in their pajamas and slippers if they wish, or curled up on their couch with their dog and a cup of tea.
• Time: Saving time is a big benefit of online counseling. You don’t have to spend time in traffic driving to an office which may or may not be close to where you live or work. It’s very possible to fit in a 45-minute video session during a 60-minute lunch.
• Discreet: Unfortunately, the stigma for psychotherapy is still out there. Some people don’t want to have to explain to their boss or coworkers or kids that they’re seeing a therapist. Being able to have a session online solves that problem.
• Clients who are extremely shy/anxious. Clients appreciate the semi-anonymity of online counseling. People who struggle with anxiety have told me that they were able to open up easier because they did not have to be with their therapist in person. Sometimes things are easier said online. Think of how much the people on your social networks or chat rooms know about you and how easy it can be to be open with someone who is not physically present.

So what about the concerns? Online therapy isn’t for everyone. Here are some contraindicators for online counseling.  If you are actively suicidal, having a therapist who is physically present is crucial for that higher level of support needed. Not having a secure, strong internet connection during your session can lead to technical problems. If you’re being abused by someone, online therapy could open the door for your abuser to listen in or threaten you during your session, so this is another time when therapy is best done in person. If you have any concerns if online therapy is right for you, discuss your thoughts and concerns with the therapist you’re interviewing.

How do I find an online counselor? There are several companies that provide online therapy utilizing a ‘membership’ type style where you pay a fee and get access (often unlimited) to a therapist of your choosing for a set period of time, usually a month. But if you look, you’ll find that many therapists who have a brick-and-mortar office offer online services as well. If you’re seeing a therapist in person, you might want to ask if this is something they provide or are willing to look into.

What to look for in an online counselor: It can be overwhelming looking for an online therapist. In the United States where I practice, each state has one or more regulatory boards that provide laws and guidance regarding how a therapist or counselor can work online. For most states, and in my own state of Ohio, the therapist must be licensed in the state where you, the client, lives. So I can’t legally and ethically provide therapy for someone in California but can for anyone anywhere in Ohio. The laws are constantly changing, though, so keep an eye on it. Of course, it’s your therapist’s job to ensure that they are legally allowed to treat you.

• Check their license. Ask them where they are licensed, and go to that board’s website to verify their credentials. This is also the way you can check and see if there have been any restrictions placed on the therapist.
• What platform are they using? Is it HIPAA compliant, meaning, is the information that is transmitted securely? You want to make sure your privacy is a priority.
• Does your therapist have expertise in the areas you are looking for help with?
• Do you feel a connection with them? Warmth and sincerity can be displayed through a video screen as well as in the tone of voice.
• How are the sessions set up? Is it the traditional weekly 45-50 minute therapy ‘hour’ appointment?
• Are you able to reach the therapist outside of your scheduled time slot?

The world of online therapy is exploding. Many insurance companies are even covering it. The more online therapy I provide, the more I realize that it can be a very helpful way of connecting with and helping people that I normally would not be able to reach.

If you’ve used online therapy, what has been your experience?

Words are powerful. They can fortify, strengthen, and encourage, or they can break down, harm and destroy. Sometimes words are wielded as weapons. Other times they convey love and kindness.

One of my jobs as a couples therapist is to notice the words spoken in session and to find better, healthier ways of speaking. Fights, disagreements, and arguments happen. So as you feel your anger or frustration level rising, pay close attention to the wording that you use.

Here are 17 toxic phrases that kill relationships.

1. You’re overreacting: According to whom? What one person’s definition of a ‘normal’ reaction can be very different than another person’s. Each individual is allowed to experience and react to things in their own way, on their own terms. If you find someone’s reaction to be problematic, be specific about your concerns. For example, “Bob, when I ask you a question and you raise your voice at me, I feel intimidated and afraid.” is much more useful than, “Bob, stop overreacting when I ask you a simple question!”
2. You are fat/ugly/undesirable/pathetic: Put-downs are never okay. Phrases like this not only make a person feel awful in the short term, but they can linger on for years, decades even. Don’t say them.
3. You always: I can almost guarantee that the use of ‘always’ in an argument or disagreement isn’t true. And it sets the speaker up for a rebuttal. “Oh, I always leave the pantry door open? It’s closed now, isn’t it?”
4. You never: See the above, “you always.”
5. I hate you: You don’t have to say everything you feel, and this phrase is definitely one to avoid. Hate liver and onions. Hate traffic. Hate the neighbor’s barking dog. Don’t hate a person.
6. If you ever ______ it’s over: Ultimatums rarely work or do any good, so unless you’re 110% willing to live up to your word, don’t say it. Threats often come up when someone feels very strongly about something but doesn’t know another way to describe their angst. Saying something like “when you talk disrespectfully to me I sometimes I just want to leave,” points out the problem and your feelings about it.
7. No one will love you like me: This phrase is usually spoken by an abusive partner and is a huge red flag that there are serious problems going on. It is all about controlling another person to get what you want.
8. I’ll kill myself if you leave: These words are a manipulative threat. Do you really desire your partner to stay simply because they’re afraid you will hurt or kill yourself? If they are said in all seriousness, then that person needs to get to a hospital.
9. The kids hate you: Leave the kids out of your adult fights. If you’re really worried about your child’s relationship with their other parent, talk about it during a different time, in a caring manner. Don’t use them as ammunition against your partner.
10. I’ve done nothing wrong here. Fights and arguments take more than one person, and disagreements should not turn into a blame game. Your partner could probably come up with some things they feel you’ve done wrong, and if you use this phrase, you’ll be sure to hear about them. Take a second to consider your responsibility in the matter.
11. I only hit/yell/leave you because  you… Your actions are your responsibility. No one can make you hit or yell or leave. Take ownership of your actions. Don’t blame them on someone else.
12. Why can’t you just be like ….: Stay away from comparing your partner to others. He or she can’t be like someone else because they aren’t. This phrase is basically a putdown in disguise.
13. ….. have a perfect relationship? Why can’t we? First off, no one has a perfect relationship. Chances are, the great relationship you’re referring to has as many skeletons in the closet as your own.
14. I told you so: Maybe you did, but does it need to be said right now, at this moment? Is saying it going to help anything? If not, keep it to yourself.
15. I’m sorry BUT: Apologies need to stand on their own. “But” pretty much negates the “sorry.”
16. Calm down: I have never heard someone say, “calm down!” and see the other person calm down. The opposite is true. “Calm down!” is usually met with, “I AM CALM!” or “NO!” Not “gosh, you know, you’re right. My emotions are getting the better of me. Thanks for reminding me of this!”
17. Whatever: This one stinks of childishness and immaturity. It’s disrespectful and cuts off a conversation before it can be finished. If you need a break from talking, simply say that instead.

One of the benefits of in-person couples counseling is the ability for the therapist to catch, interpret, and revise the words that people say to each other in the room. Learning how to talk to one another, even learning how to fight or argue, are lessons that can be used not only at home with your partner, but with coworkers, friends, and extended family.

Choosing the right phrasing increases understanding, promotes discussion, and can actually strengthen relationships. It leads to problem-solving rather than blaming. There may be times when you feel the need to lash out or yell. If you find yourself slipping into anger and feel like you can’t control what you say, take a break. It’s far better to take a 20-minute walk than to say something to your partner that causes deep pain.

The new school year has begun! For some kids, starting school is a welcome way to end summer’s boredom. Others have no desire to get back to the learning and structure of school. But there are some kids for whom the idea of going back to school brings fear because they are being bullied.

The first step in helping a child who is being bullied is to understand what some of the signs are. Once you notice one or more of these you can begin to have a conversation with your child to find out what is happening to them.

1. Reluctance to go to school. It makes sense that a child who is being bullied will try to avoid going to school. This may mean pleading or exaggerating an illness to be out of school,  missing the school bus, even dawdling in the mornings. Sometimes kids who are bullied may beg to be driven to school, or even allowed to walk great distances, to try and avoid bullies.
2. Changes in friendships. Your child may become less social and stop hanging out with friends like they used to.
3. An abrupt change in mood. If your child becomes depressed or anxious without any obvious reason, it may be a signal that something in their life is not going well.
4. Complaints about physical health, such as headaches, belly aches, general malaise. Stress takes a physical toll on people, adults and children alike.
5. Difficulty sleeping. This may include insomnia, oversleeping, bed wetting, and even nightmares. It can be hard for a child to turn off their mind and worries at night. Fears and depression that plague them during the day can follow them when it’s time for sleep.
6. Attempts at staying home from school. Your child my plead for having a day off, faking or exaggerating illness.
7. Coming home starving. Kids who are bullied can have their lunch taken away or lunch money stolen.
8. Hesitation to use the restroom at school. Restrooms are one common, isolated and adult-free place where bullying often goes on.
9. Losing or having possessions damaged. Bullies often take and/or damage possessions as a way of aggression and control. Your child may ask for a new phone or to fix a broken screen. Their toys may be mangled and school supplies could be missing.
10. Physical marks, such as bruises and cuts. This is often thought of as a telltale sign that a child is being bullied and beat up at school. Your child may have excuses as to what caused the marks.
11. Grades and school performance going down. Bullying overtakes a child’s mind. They can’t pay attention to what is going on in class. They might skip classes to avoid harassment. Their homework may be stolen.
12. Acting out against parents and siblings. If a child is being made fun of and harassed, it’s common that they will then take this aggression out on the people in their lives.
13. Changing online activities. Some kids will hide their computer or phone screen when you walk by, as they feel embarrassed about what others are saying about them. They might obsess over social media, spending large amounts of time trying to defend themselves or read what kids have said.
14. Rushing to get home. Your child may be running home quickly to avoid being chased and picked on by other kids.

It’s a sad fact that bullies have always been around, and always will. As a parent, you can’t always rely on your child to tell you when they’re being harassed.

Sadly, they feel embarrassed and may feel like they’ve had a role in how they are treated. Learning what to look for can give you a place to start a conversation with them.

A comment as simple as, “you seem like you haven’t wanted to go to school lately. Is there something or someone that is bothering you?” It might be helpful if you can confide your own stories of being treated unfairly by others in your childhood: “When I used to walk home from school, this guy named Patrick would chase me and throw rocks at me. Has anything like this happened to you?”

As an adult, you may even be exposed to bullies in your work environment and can relate to the feelings of helplessness your child experiences.

It might be reassuring if you let your child know that you won’t overreact or get them in trouble. Most of us can relate to the feeling of worrying that mom or dad will go ballistic and make you look stupid. They may also be concerned that any reaction you have may make the bullying worse.

Finding out that their child is being picked on or bullied is something many parents fear. We all want to protect our sons and daughters but we can’t know what is going on unless they tell us. Looking for signs and then finding a calm, gentle way conversing with them is the foundation for getting your child the help they need and deserve.

The basic premise of photography means that there is always a distance between the photographer and the subject. Taking a picture of a child playing in the leaves is focusing on one thing: the image of a child at that moment. You aren’t focused on the sounds or the smells, the feeling of the cold wind on your hands or their laughter. You aren’t fully experiencing the moment. You’re documenting it.

There are some things a lens can’t capture: the sounds, smells, feelings, and a wider picture of what is happening at that moment. When life is viewed through a lens, it forces you to see things in a small rectangular space. Like a horse, you have blinders on. And it is sad.

Taking pictures or selfies can actually be dangerous. There have been several recent incidents where individuals have died when trying to get the best selfie. And for what? To post on a social media site that will be viewed for a bit and then left to the archives of Facebook or Instagram?

So before you pull out your camera to take what you imagine will be a cool video or amazing photo, consider these 6 things.

1. Does this event need to be documented by camera or can it be put into your memory? Seeing your child off for the first day of school may be great to film, but how important is it? Would you prefer to spend that tiny bit of time enjoying the moment and waving to your child? Can you take a picture before they leave instead of the actual moment?
2. Are you missing the experience? For example, how important is capturing the entire concert? If you’re looking through a lens, you’re not experiencing it, just documenting it.
3. How often will you watch the video or look at the pictures? The birth of a baby is a moment in time that will never be recreated, a pivotal moment for all involved. It may very well be something important to film. But see #4
4. Can you have someone else document it for you? If it’s the birth of your child or a wedding of a loved one, allow yourself to experience the event and give the camera to someone else.
5. How much of the event needs to be filmed or taken a picture of? A sporting event could be filmed in its entirety, or there could be several still pictures. Is someone else filming and could you get a copy of it? Can you take a picture of the team together at the end of the game?
6. Does the distance that a camera puts between the photographer and the subject affect anything? When your husband is performing in his band,  how will he feel if he looks at you and sees your phone rather than your happy face?

Photos and videos are great at capturing events, but they can be invasive and unnecessary. Rather than pulling out a camera, try focusing on the moment, the feelings and emotions involved. Make a point to remember the cool breeze that rises off the river, the laughter shared, the wine tasted and the smell of the cut grass. Hear the dogs in the distance, the rain on the leaves, the squish of your shoes in the mud.

These things are important, crucial, to life. Have you ever looked at a landscape photo you took and wondered where in the world it was? Buy a postcard. They’re better anyway. Or take one picture of yourself or your loved ones and leave it at that. Be in the moment!

Photos and videos get misplaced. Technology fails, pictures get lost or ruined or misplaced. But if you are able to recreate the experience in your mind, you will have a gift that never goes away. You will be able to remind yourself of the entirety of the situation, which is so very much more than an image or even a video.

1. Learned behaviors. As children, people are exposed to a variety of interactions between family members. For better or worse, this is how individuals learn what ‘normal’ and acceptable behaviors are. If one grows up seeing parents being loving and kind to each other, they grow up and mimic this behavior in their own relationships. If a child grows up in an abusive household where people physically and mentally abuse one another, this is accepted, even though this is not healthy.
2. Mental health. If a person has relatives who have a mental illness, there is a higher chance that they themselves will have one. Like some physical illness, such as high blood pressure or breast cancer, it is essential to be aware of a family history of mental health, as they can have a predisposition to mental illness. This does not mean one is absolutely going to inherit the disease though. Mental health is affected by genetics, but also by the environment and the situations they find themselves in.
3. Financial Environment. Children who are raised in a lower-class family a family that is lower class often have less access to physical and mental health treatment. Unfortunately, schools in wealthier areas have more funding for extracurricular activities and resources for better equipment than schools in more impoverished neighborhoods.
4. Living arrangements. Children who frequently move from area to area change schools, churches, and social groups. They have both different strengths and weaknesses compared to children who live in the same area for long periods of time.
5. Alcohol and drug use. If a parent abuses alcohol or drugs, an individual is more likely to abuse substances when they are adolescents and adults. If a mother drinks or uses drugs while pregnant, it impacts many areas of a child’s life. Living in a neighborhood where drug use and the violence that comes from it normalizes the behavior.
6. Violence and abuse in the home. Some children who are raised in a home where screaming, hitting, threats, and fear are present may show signs of hypervigilance. They have a higher likelihood to become abusers or victims themselves because this is how they learn to treat and be treated.
7. Nutrition and food. When people are raised in a household where they have food insecurity they have a more considerable amount of stress which affects their physical and emotional development. Parents may have to choose between feeding their family and medications or healthcare. They are more likely to have diseases and poor overall health.
8. Attachments. It has long been studied that babies and children need constant and healthy attachments to thrive. There is a mental health problem called Reactive Attachment Disorder, where an infant or young child is not exposed to a consistent caregiver. As adults, they are less likely to trust others and have difficulty forming close bonds with others.

These are just some of the reasons therapists inquire about family history. Mental and physical health is affected by many things and the situation that one is exposed to have a significant impact on adulthood.

My father died a month ago, after a short and painful descent into dementia.

While I expected his death, what surprised me was the path of grief that the loss of my father took me on. I found myself consulting colleagues, friends, and even Google in an attempt to identify if what I was experiencing was normal.

What I discovered is that there is no normal in grief. Each grieving person has his or her individual journey to take. It’s a journey that can make you wonder if your grief is healthy or normal. It’s a journey where a person is forced to give up control and ride the wave of emotions. And for me, it was and is about accepting that what I’m feeling, thinking and experiencing is healthy and okay.

These eight truths about grief have come about through research, conversations with colleagues, and my own experiences.

1. There is no normal grief. Forget the idea of normal. Get it out of your mind. Each person’s journey is his or her own. You can Google for days and weeks trying to find the roadmap for grief. And while there are some generalizations and theories out there, none will completely match your own.
2. Accept your reactions to grief unconditionally and without judgment. It’s okay if you scream with sadness in the car. It’s okay if you break down with a friend over something small that reminds you of the one you loved. It’s okay to be happy and to experience joy. It’s okay to cry only in private, and it’s okay to be overcome by sadness when there are others around. Grief is like floating in the ocean. At times you will feel peaceful and calm. Other times you’ll feel as if you’re being tossed around and about to crash on a rocky shore. Your mood and energy levels will fluctuate. Your sleep patterns will be disrupted.
3. Be kind to yourself. There might be times when you feel like you need to nap away a Saturday afternoon. Nap away. You may feel like hiking in the woods alone. Hike. Eat comfort food. Give yourself a break from the housework. Write a poem, make love, swim in the ocean, hug your dog, go rock climbing. Take care of yourself.
4. Remind others to be kind to you. It would be fantastic if other people knew what we needed before we ask, especially after the death of someone close. But often they don’t. If you have a partner or loved one who doesn’t seem to understand your grief, help them understand. Print an article. Email a link. Best of all, talk to them. If you find yourself more grumpy than usual, it’s okay to apologize and explain that you’re still reeling from the loss. If you’ve had a terrible day, tell your loved ones this. It’s perfectly fine to ask for some extra kindness and understanding.
5. Be aware of your needs. For example, you may need more sleep, time away from others, the company of others, or to write in a journal. You may feel the need to spend time doing an activity that you used to do with the person you lost. For some people, exercising helps, while others lack the energy. Give yourself the gift of time to do nothing or anything.
6. Your thoughts, feelings, and experiences may not seem to have anything to do directly with your grief, but this doesn’t mean that they’re not connected. I was blown away by how physically exhausted I was. I was getting my average amount of sleep, but grief takes both a physical and an emotional toll. It can help put things into perspective and can give you insight into how you are coping.
7. Do what feels right. Some people talk out loud to their loved one. Some write letters. Others sit in silence. Trust yourself.  And if you find yourself wanting to curl up with your loved one’s sweatshirt, do it.  Some people want to talk about their loss to friends and family. What is good for you might not be something someone else needs, and that’s fine.
8. Know when to get help. While most things that people experience when they are grieving are healthy and within the accepted frame of loss, there are times when the pain of loss can become so overwhelming that outside help is needed.  Here are some things to watch out for: wishing that you had died instead of, or with your loved one;  blaming yourself for the death; feeling like life isn’t worth living anymore; being unable to function on a day-to-day basis months after the loss. Look for a therapist who is experienced with grief, or find a support group. You don’t need to struggle with your loss alone.

There are many great books and articles out there about grief. My favorite one is called Tear Soup, by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen. While it is filled with illustrations and appears to be a children’s book, it’s appropriate for all ages. The book provides a way of understanding and explaining grief in a unique and beautiful way.

When someone you love dies, it can feel like your world is turned upside down. And in a way it is! Whether sudden or expected, child or adult, relative or friend, your life will never be the same. We all know that death is an inevitable part of being human. We can be aware of our own mortality and that of others, but grief will still hurt, and hurt terribly. Ignoring your own grief, trying to push past it to avoid the feelings, will not make it better. Feel the sadness, the loneliness, the pain, but also know that you will not feel like this forever.

Photo by Claudia on Unsplash

As it stands now,Valentine’s Day is a time for people to show their love to each other. Many people have complained that it has become too commercial; with school children passing out candy to all their classmates, partners giving cards, chocolate, and gifts.

But there are special, different ways to express your love and affection.

Here are some unique ways to express your love for your partner.

• Hire a meal service for a month. This works well if your partner dislikes cooking and finds it to be a chore. Not having to think about what to cook or getting the ingredients can leave more time for the two of you to connect and enjoy one another. Meal services are varied, with some bringing the ingredients prepared and others have the ingredients but require more preparation. There are also services that provide complete meals with little to no preparing required.
• Get your partner’s vehicle detailed, or even do it yourself! If you can do this as a complete surprise it’s even better. Car detailing is one of those things that many of us want to do but don’t get around to doing it for ourselves. We spend so much of our time in our vehicles that it’s a gift that will be well-appreciated. There are some shops that will come and detail your car where your car is, which would increase the surprise value.
• Get a calendar and plan out a month’s worth of weekly dates. Take on the responsibility so that your partner doesn’t have to think about it. It can be a lunch at a new restaurant, a jazz concert in the park, a picnic, a morning of sleeping in and breakfast in bed. Take care of all the details such as getting a sitter, tickets, or reservations. Don’t tell your partner what the specific plans are though. Again, the surprise factor is important.
• Hide messages of affection around where he or she will encounter them, such as in a sock drawer, a lunch bag, taped to a laptop, even mailed the previous day. Make the messages humorous, romantic, playful, or just special things that are meaningful for the two of you.
• Write down all of the “honeydo” things that your partner has been asking you about, and do them. Fixing the squeaky door, calling the cable company, making a vet appointment, arranging for the carpets to be cleaned, or getting the dog groomed. I’m sure there are plenty of things to keep you busy and remind your loved one that you’re thinking of them.
• Redo your first date. Go to the coffee shop, the movie theatre, the bar or restaurant where you first met. Spend the meal talking about why you fell in love and how your love has changed and grown.
• Do an activity that your partner loves and you don’t. Go golfing, do a jigsaw puzzle, hike, watch a romantic comedy, play a video game, go out to eat at that place she loves and you don’t.

There are thousands of ways to say “I love you” without words and without the cliches. It is different for each couple. Find a few and make a point to do them, both this Valentine’s Day and throughout the year. Love thrives when it is repeatedly shown and experienced in a variety of ways.

Photo by Kristina Litvjak on Unsplash