Born November 5, 2009   Fairbanks, Alaska   11:02 a.m. AST

“Practically Perfect In Every Way…”

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It was midnight on November 5 when Bethany called me to tell me her water had broken and she and David (and her mom who’d flown up a few days before) were on their way to the hospital.

Needless to say, any hope of sleeping the rest of the night was wasted.   My mind returned over and over to days of yester-year when this beautiful girl was dancing her way into my heart.

And now the time had come when my own little girl, my first-born, was going to give birth to her own.

It’s a surreal moment when life unfolds through your children. Somehow I felt as if a portion of my being was being reborn in this little bundle of sweetness. And it was all happening thousands of miles away and yet within my own heart.

When I woke LE the next morning I told him that the day when he’d become an uncle for the first time had arrived.  And though I needed to go to work and he to school, I’d text him when I knew something.

I was at a Japanese restaurant when Bethany called me, just an hour after Jessica arrived. I broke away from the loud chatter in the background and went outside to take the call.

“Hi Daddy! You’re a GrandDad!”

Five little words reduced me to mush. I crumbled into a blubbering mass right outside the restaurant. The emotions were overpowering and under the magnitude of their significance, I felt an immense sense of joy and pride.

Incredible pride for my daughter who so heroically brought her baby into the world. Joy in the knowledge that Jessica was here among us and enveloped in so much love.

I’ve witnessed all three births of my biological children (even delivered my son Benjamin) and I am convinced there is no more heroic act than that of a woman enduring the selfless act of childbirth. Nothing I have ever done nor could ever do could compare.

I learned she was 6 pounds, 8 ounces and 19 inches in length with curly blonde hair.

Then I heard her cry. Bethany was holding her and it was evident she was hungry!  And I crumbled yet again. My tears flowed like a river and my heart was like a geyser showering her in love.  In an instant, my whole identity, my entire life had changed.

My life changed forever when Bethany Sara was born. How fitting that she should give me this precious gift of a granddaughter and forever change my life again.

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On this past Sunday, LE and I drove to the East Bay city of Pleasanton, California to meet ‘Buddy.’

Buddy is a 14-month old black Labrador Retriever  Pointer mix who needed a new home.

Since deciding to adopt a pet, LE and I have been looking for the perfect dog.

Of course perfection doesn’t exist outside the worlds of babies, Beatles songs, and Starbucks Coffee.

I’d imagined the perfect dog would somehow come us with the following attributes:

• Be 1-3 years old 
• Would instantly love LE (would grow to love me, too)
• Be loyal
• Want to play
• Look forward to walks on the beach with me and LE
• Be content with our life together
• Like the simple things, like kibble 
• And…he’d be house-trained

Enter ‘Buddy!’

Mark, Buddy’s former owner, is on his way to Afghanistan for a second tour in the USAF. He’d raised Buddy from a puppy and was determined to find him a loving home before shipping out.

I responded to an online ad via a dog rescue site and Mark called me that evening. We traded particulars and agreed to meet on Sunday at a location we both knew.

When LE and I got out of the car, Mark and Buddy were side by side.  Buddy looked at LE (who has traditionally been somewhat timid around dogs) and ran to him.

LE simply knelt down, opened his arms and dog and boy embraced.  There was a lot of licking and tail wagging going on and it was clear very soon that Buddy and LE had something going.

Letting the Dog Choose

Mark told us that he’d introduced Buddy to four other parties and Buddy didn’t have the reaction to them that he exhibited on meeting LE.

“He’s already chosen you,” he said to LE.  “I’m just going to assume he’s your dog now.”

Mark told me before meeting me that Buddy wasn’t for sale. He needed a family and a permanent home. After some time, I insisted Mark take some money and buy his fellow airmen a drink and toast Buddy.

He finally agreed. After a teary goodbye, Buddy climbed into our car and joined our family.

7 Days of Unconditional Love

Tomorrow will be the 7th day that Buddy has been with us.  He lavishes affection on LE and me and anyone else who visits us.

He won the hearts of both my parents in an instant and they’ve called four times to ask about my two boy!

He’s changed our morning and evening routines, and the general the mood in our house. Although he barks when I play Santana, it’s been seven days of unconditional love.

The Power of Imagination

I’m a firm believer in the power of positive imagery and its role in attracting what I desire. As I look back over the attributes I’d wanted in a dog, I realize that Buddy embodies them all.

I couldn’t have imagined a better, more perfect dog for us.  Maybe, that’s exactly what I did.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy!

• Solo-Dog, Part II: What Am I Really Looking For?
• Love: Single Mom Style

When it comes to picking domestic partners, my track record isn’t spectacular. 

Ex #1

My first wife was, and remains, a lovely woman.  That we grew in opposite directions was, perhaps, the fault of no one.

Though I carried a lot of guilt around with me for nearly two decades over the manner in which we split, that fact that we became different people was just something that happened and it was, because of conflicting positions on certain issues, both inevitable and unavoidable.

Ex#2

My second choice for a mate resulted in 15 years of degenerating contentment. That putting it in the best possible light.

However, with silver linings in mind, I became a stronger, more resilient person as a result of that tumultuous relationship.

Jeremy, my step son and LE are the two remaining silver linings in that relationship. Along with the two children from my first marriage, they are the jewels in my crown.

Solo-Dog

As the search for the right dog continues, I’m beginning to think that my search parameters for our canine companion aren’t that different from the ongoing, albeit inactive for the most part, search for the perfect woman.

You be the judge.

I’m hoping Solo-Dog will:

• Be 1-3 years old (OK, this one doesn’t count.  Not even when converting to human years.)
• Love LE
• Love me
• Be loyal
• Want to play
• Look forward to walks on the beach with me
• Be content with our life together
• Like the simple things, like kibble  (Hey, who likes to eat out all the time? )

When I think about it, that’s what I want from a woman as well. (OK, I didn’t mention a libido to die for… for obvious reasons, but that’s in the mix as well…um, but not for the dog.)  Yes, I’m a man and therefore at least one-quarter sexist-pig.

But in reality, I’m a very sensual person. (My adult kids – click away right now to prevent gross-out.) Sex/sensuality isn’t just a minor part in my relationships, I tend to show my affection physically in all my relationships.

I still hug my sons tightly and kiss them on the side of their head. I do the same with my daughter.  And when my granddaughter is born later this month, I’ll be the GrandDad Hug Machine for her entire life.

So in some ways, Solo-Dog is the prototype life companion I’ve been seeking all my life.

But I recognize there are some problems with this dual application canine / human-companion criteria:

1. Hairy backs. Not a fan.
2. Perfection. No dog or woman is perfect.  Heck, I’m not even perfect.   I may be searching for the ‘perfect dog,’ and therefore, the perfect woman. Not realistic.
3. Loyalty. Most dogs bond with their humans for life. In my experience, most humans do not. Yes, I know dogs don’t comprehend the subtleties of human interactions, the head games we play, etc. But still, is loyalty too much to ask for in a life partner?

The Perfect Dog or the Perfect Woman

Actually, I don’t think either exist. But I’m generally having fun looking for both.

I have some wonderful women acquaintances. I’ve dated some very lovely women.  The two women I work most closely with at my job are more than coworkers; they’re friends.

But honestly speaking, I think the best choice for me at this point in my life, is to stick with Solo-Dog, where ever he or she may be, and leave the larger, more complex pursuit for the life companion to the future; at a time when I can offer a woman more Barry and less Solo-Dad.

But until then, I’ll keep searching. 

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As Summer slips into Fall here in the Monterey Bay Area, the crowds have thinned on the beaches leaving only dog walkers and those still trying to jog their way to a slimmer waistline.

While I’m firmly in the latter category of beach visitors, I hope to soon be in the former as well.

Recently, my parents (who live in San Jose) were forced to euthanize their 13 year-old Toy Poodle, Gabby.  She and my dad were special pals and their twice daily walks were famous for taking an hour or more.

My dad is a sociable guy and he made friends with innumerable people who lived along the course of his walks with Gabby.

Going for a walk with ‘Papa’, accompanied by Gabby, has been one of the common experiences for nearly all of their 10 grand-kids and 12 great-grands-kids.  Losing her has been very tough on him and my mom.

They let it be known throughout the family that they were not interested in obtaining another dog.  Both feel it’s not only too soon to think about following Gabby’s passing, but at 76 and 78, neither believes they’re up to another long-term pet commitment.

Adding another dimension to our lives

About the time that Gabby’s passing occurred, I awoke the next day with a strong desire to get a dog.  I wasn’t that close to Gabby, so I can’t blame it on her absence.  I grew up with dogs always being a part of my life but strangely never owned one in adulthood.

Maybe it’s because I don’t own a home that I’ve shied away from dog ownership. But, as I mentioned at the top of this post, I’m not getting any younger and neither is LE. In fact, LE is rapidly becoming MC (man-child). [Check out his latest moves in this YouTube video!]

So, given that we live a block fromm the beach (the biggest front yard ever) LE and I have decided it’s time to add another dimension to our lives by getting a dog.

Breeds, beds, and bones

We’ve been looking at dogs on the beach, dogs on the Internet, and dogs in rescues and pounds. We’ve visited PetSmart and CostCo.  We’ve made the successful presentation to my landlord and the neighbors in our 4-plex here in Aptos.

We’ve gotten the green light from the property owner after jumping through several hoops including ramping up my renter’s insurance coverage, and detailing my dog care plans for when I’m away on business.

I honestly can’t wait to have a valid reason (other than it’s good for my waistline) for running and  romping on the beach each morning and evening.  Can you tell we’re excited about this?

Potential outcomes

As I’ve stated earlier, I’m hoping this will add another dimension to our lives. I’d love to have LE feel there is someone else to love in the house.  Not that his love is at all repelling, OMG, I don’t know where I’d be without it.

But it’s become evident that my life and his are intermingled without a lot of boundary.  I’m hoping that a dog will not only allow him to experience unconditional love from an entity outside of me, but also open areas of himself that may be covered over by memories of past trauma and heartache thereby creating more individual identity and experience for him to build on.

We need Solo-Dog in our lives

No, we’re not going to name him or her Solo-Dog.  But it seems a fitting moniker for our yet to be adopted canine companion.

Because we live in a small place without a yard to speak of (we do have a large covered 20′ x 10′ patio), I want to make the right choice in dogs.  Plus, the dog would be alone for about 4-6 hours per day in side the house.

I’d love a black or chocolate Labrador, but am also thinking of a Labradoodle in light of LE’s allergies.  Anyway, we’re still looking and exploring and having a lot of fun in the process.

Suggestions welcome

Readers of Solo-Dad are welcome to make suggestions as to breeds, tips, warnings, whatever.  At this stage, I’m all ears.

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It began innocently with one of those infamous Facebook quizzes. You know the ones, written by fifth graders?

Yeah, those.

So, I decided to depart from my normal FB-MO and take the quiz. OK, it actually wasn’t a quiz…more of a poll, I guess.

Anyway….

LE saw I’d posted my preference for cremation.

“What do you want done with your ashes?” he asked.

This was a serious question coming from my man-child. 

“I’d like you, Ben, Jeremy, and Bethany to scatter me over the ocean.  Since we live here, and it’s so beautiful, I like you all to come back and remember me here.”

He paused.

“Would be each get a little jar of ashes to keep?”

I sensed he was becoming sad…I sure was.

“Yes, “ I said.  Hoping to lighten the mood I added, “Just don’t get me confused with the pepper!”

He looked up and smiled the smile that tells me he’s thinking about something.

“Yeah, that wouldn’t be good.  Meat-Loaf might become Dad-Loaf!”

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At the conclusion of each weekend she’d spend with me when she was young; At the conclusion of each telephone conversation over the years.  But only a few of them have been as emotionally charged as the one about a week ago.

Leaving the Lower 48

When she and her new husband, the 2nd Lt, were told they’d be stationed here in California, I was ecstatic.  She’d be a few hours away and my granddaughter would be born close by.

She and David had already made a trip down the Central Coast of California to scout out hospitals and homes.

So when Uncle Sam redirected them to another duty station I can’t say I was surprised, but very disappointed.

“We’ve been told that we’re no longer going to Vandenburg, Daddy.  Instead, we’re going to Alaska. We have to be there in 2 weeks.”

“What?” My calm demeanor went right our the window. How could they do this?  Why did this happen?  Who the hell decided this?

My questions were silly: First reactions to what I’d known might happen.  It’s the military, after all.  There isn’t much choice when it comes to your first assignment as an officer in the Air Force.

She’d had a few days to come to grips with the situation and while it wasn’t her desire to live in Alaska, she was committed to being where she needed to be. With David. Wherever that might be.

A Dad and His Daughter

The next week was a roller coaster of emotions for me.  LE could see it was bothering me.  And his man-child way, he supported me with hugs an extra portion of just-being-thirteen.

That I love my daughter is a no-brainer.  That I will miss her so deeply it hurts is a given.  That I didn’t want to or know how to say goodbye this time was perplexing.

So many questions rolled over in my mind…

• How do I face this?
• Am I being a big baby?
• Should I let my emotion show or be stoic in light of my Princess moving so far away?

I emailed Dr. Leah and asked here how to proceed.  Leah Klungness is a psychologist, author, and single mom who jointly writes the SingleMommyhood.com blog as well as Just Ask Dr. Leah. I’ve cried on her virtual shoulder before and she’s always had some great feedback and advice.

And of course, her words were spot on.

Here’s my advice -  Of course, show your feelings at the BBQ. Your tears will not diminish your daughter’s confidence, confuse her, or worry her. Much as the “good-bye” will be emotionally wrenching, these genuine feelings tell your daughter how much you love her. Your daughter already knows she can manage things–you’ve given her all the right tools.  Of course, you’ve told her how thrilled you are that her life is unfolding in such a joyous way. When someone lights your heart, it’s rather disingenuous if “good-bye” is a few jaunty words and a quick hug.

Here’s something I hope you do. Give your daughter a letter in which you say the things that won’t come out at the BBQ exactly as you wanted to say them. No one has ever cherished an e-mail. Give her something to read (and re-read) and to share with her own daughter in the years to come.

The Farwell

Bethany’s mom and step-dad hosted an afternoon Farewell Gathering to give friends and family an opportunity to wish them well and say their parting words.

I’d been telling her all week how much I loved her and when it came time to leave, knowing that I’d not see her again for a few months, she was the strong one.

I’ve never been shy about showing my emotions in front of my kids. How else would they know how to deal with their own when they become parents?

Still, saying goodbye wasn’t easy and when I heard her say ‘I love you, Daddy’ for what was probably the millionth time in 25 years, she was once again the same little girl who always knew how to make me melt into a puddle of love.

The Journey North

I followed along on her Facebook posts as they drove with all their belongings in a U Haul truck to Eielson Air Force Base while towing a Jeep Wrangler that’s seen better days.

On the 7th day of their journey, they arrived at their destination.  Because they captured a lot of the landscape via photos, those left behind could share in their new discoveries along the way.

Knowing she’s getting settled into a new home; Knowing that Dave loves her and will provide for her: Knowing she loves me still make it easier.

Be happy, Princess. Your daddy loves you, always.

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Not one time have I ever heard an ‘Oh S—t,’ a ‘God—–it,’ or even a ‘Mother f—-er’ in times if anger.

Is he a freak of nature or someone who watches his language?

A recent Time Magazine article would argue for the former.

In it, writer Tiffany Sharples writes:

There is a certain four-letter word that evokes much emotion, is often uttered by mothers giving birth, and whose usage by humans is thought to be evolutionarily adaptive: f___!

It seems swearing is an evolutionary adaptation of our species.  Adapting to a better feeling is apparently the conclusion the British researchers came to:

“Swearing increases your pain tolerance,” says Richard Stephens, a psychologist and lead author of the study, which was published this week in the journal NeuroReport.’

Other studies have found similar results: that swearing in the workplace helps workers cope with the stresses of the job. However, there is some evidence to suggest even Wall St. (of all the God forsaken places) is taking notice and urging employers to take a harder look at profanity in the workplace.

It seems the almighty buck doesn’t agree with practice of expletive rich corporate cultures.

What’s a Single Parent To Do?

With all this conflicting research that seems to point toward the inevitability of Junior participating in his evolutionary right, how does a single parent -especially a single dad raising kids alone- deal with it?

Do we teach our kids to watch their language?  Do we excuse their growing vocabulary as evolutionary adaptation and urge them to curb their practices depending on the social situation or context?

Swearing and Kids

Swearing around the house (like I sometimes do) is the first exposure a child experiences. LE has certainly heard me utter ‘the F-word and the S-word’ (as he calls them), usually in response to shutting my finger in a drawer or some other careless injury.

My own behavior with swearing would seem to support Dr. Richards’ research above. When I hurt myself, -particular my right thumb which seems to have been voted Most Likely To Be Re-injured by the rest of my body- there’s nothing as instantly soothing and comforting as shouting a loud ‘F— iiiiiiit!’

For some reason, it’s fitting and it helps me cope with the instant flood of pain my thumb often produces. It also makes me feel rather guilty, though I must admit, less so as LE gets older and understands more why we behave like we do.

Kids swear for different reasons. Younger children are like digital recorders with automatic playback.  you say it and they’ll repeat it.  And often in the most inconvenient time resulting in somewhat embarrassing moments.

Older kids often swear to express anger. But they also swear to imitate their peers.

How often have you heard young teenagers communicating in the grocery store line inserting ’sh#t’ or ‘f@$k’ for every other word thinking they will sound more adult-like?

Dads Should Set the Example

Like my dad, if you want to control your language, you just do it.  You don’t advertise to the world that you’re going to stop swearing, you simply stop.  You find other words to use instead of the profane ones.

Knowing that our kids are like sponges and soak up everything we do or say, we have a decision to make when it comes to what language we passively reinforce.  We can either choose to model restraint or not.

As I wrote in the post on spanking, it’s confusing for a child to be hit for hitting a younger sibling. It’s confusing for your child when you punish her for saying the same words you use.

If language matters, you need to set the example.

Helpful Links:

• Google Search for Swearing Around Children
• Time Magazine Article
• Right Attitudes Blog Post
• Parenting and Child Health

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• 31DBBSD – Day #7: Single Dad Dating: Keeping It Private
• 31DBBSD – Day #6: Talking About Your Ex: What’s OK and What’s Not
• 31DBBSD Day #5: Think Spanking Is A Good Thing? Think Again!
• 31 DBBSD – Day 3: Avoid the Disneyland Dad Syndrome
• 31 DBBSD – Day #2: Make Time with Your Child a Priority

Children Come First

I don’t think I’ll get any disagreement there. Our kids are the most important element in our lives.  The second anything begins to compete with the time you spend with your kids, is the time to take a serious assessment of your commitments.

How Custody Effects Your Dating Life

Dad with visitation rights, have it a lot easier in one regard; you can date a woman on any night you don’t have your kids.

For me -I’m a dad with full custody of my son- and for dads who share parenting time with Ex, dating becomes a bit more of a scheduling challenge (read: nightmare).  We often have to balance dating with homework loads, early bedtimes, and dinner duties not to mention the schedule and commitments of the woman in question.

It’s not impossible, but it is significantly more challenging.

Benefits to Support the Separation of Child and Date

Regardless of the legal arrangements that dictate your parenting schedule, your dating life and your parenting life should be kept separate until everyone is ready to take the next step.

Depending on your situation, your kids may be nowhere near ready to share you with anyone else.

Kids younger than 10 years of age take a longer time to adjust to living with two parents in separate households.

The introduction of someone new in your life only threatens the already shaky confidence young kids have post-divorce or separation. Taking your time introducing her to your kids holds benefits for you, your child, and the woman in question.

Benefits for Your Child

• They have time to accept the idea of you dating before meeting someone new
• They feel less threatened and more a part of your life
• They feel less confused about the role of your new friend

Benefits for You

• You can date more women while protecting the parent-child relationship
  
• You can keep your child the center of your attentions
• You can focus on developing a relationship without endangering your relationship with your child
  

Benefits for Your Date

• She can take advantage of not being judged too soon
• She can decide whether or not to invest in the relationship

Conclusion

Single dads need occasional romantic partners that develop into healthy relationships.  This aids in their own development as a man and as a life partner.  Relationships have the potential for effecting the existing family structure that exists in the single dad’s home.

Keeping your dating life separate from your parenting can benefit all parties involved.  Bringing her home to meet your kids too soon will only lead to confusion, bruised emotions, and hurt feelings.

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of Watching your Language Around the Kids. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy!

• 31DBBSD Day #8: Watch Your Language, Son
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No so fast, Solo-dad.

It seems that due to ‘budget cuts’ – really getting to hate that phrase- the school bus routes that served our area are now no longer in use.

At first, the school’s website posted a note saying that bus service was being effected by the budget cuts and that they’d be reorganizing existing routes to incorporate regional stops.

OK, I thought. So He can walk a little further in the afternoons. No problems there.

I check the update this morning only to learn that the closes regional stop is as far away as the school.

This is Problematic.

As I wrote in a previous post, summers can be a problem for single parents.  My solution was to bring the issue to my supervisors at work and ask for a flexible schedule.

They agreed to a summer exception to the unwritten flex-time or work-from-home policies. I say ‘unwritten’ because there isn’t a published policy to support working off-site.  Still, they were sympathetic and willing to give it a try.

I now must turn my attention to pitching it on a more permanent basis. I’m not hopeful they will be agreeable. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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I’ve made no secret here on Solo-Dad about the issues between me and my Ex, both past and present.

There have been times when I wanted to scream out loud a laundry list of things that bug me and hurt LE.

And yet I know it’s not fair to LE to make negative statements about her.  She is still his mother and he’s the In this post in the 31DBBSD series, I write about what’s OK to say about your child’s mother and what’s not.

The same principles remain true for Solo-Moms talking about Dads.

The Stage Is Set

Divorce leaves a lot of us embittered about many things; love, life, relationships in general, and especially about our Ex.

Many of us begin our collection of euphemisms to use in referring to our former spouse.  Deadbeat, dirt bag, what’s-her-name, the Ex, and some even less flattering terms.

These may give us temporary solace in our moments of pain, but they do us little good in the long run. Sooner or later we learn to discard these nicknames because it generates more negative energy.

There are times when dads are -without good cause- kept from their children because of the mom’s anger.  A friend of mine lost track of his son for more than 20 years because his ex-disappeared with the boy soon after they separated.  (Just recently they found one another again via the wonders of Google. )

Regardless of the situation around your visitation with your children, they are the ones to lose when you engage in negative name calling and other less positive communication methods.

It’s Your Child Who Suffers More

James Allison, Divorce Attorney writes the following in an article on DivorceSource.com:

Repeated negative comments from one parent about the other causes incredible stress on that child and prevents [him] from being able to maintain a healthy attitude toward marriage…when it comes time for the child to develop a relationship with the opposite sex. (See link to article below.)

Children of divorce always feel pulled from two halves of their world like human chess pieces manipulated by seasoned players.  It behooves both parents to realize this and act accordingly.

Easier Said that Done

Yeah, I know. It’s hard to hold your tongue when you know your Ex isn’t measuring up in any number of areas. However knowing that what you say in front of your child will hurt them -no matter how justified you feel in saying it- should help deter the frequency of your remarks.

Some Examples of What’s Not OK to Ask or Say

• “Boy, you’re mom’s boy friend sure is over at your house a lot.” Your child doesn’t want to betray their mother by commenting on the frequency of the boyfriend’s visits.  Depending on their age, they wouldn’t be able to add anything but what they observe anyway.
• “What was your mom thinking when she…..” No matter how this question ends, it places the child in a defensive posture. He can’t know what his mother was thinking, then or at any time in the future.
• “I’ll sure be glad when your mom gets her act together.” OK, I admit it. I’ve gone down this road and immediately regretted it.  The look on LE’s face told the story of how he felt: Sad for his mom, disappointed in me.  Lesson learned.
• “If your mom doesn’t do __________, then I’m going to ________.” These types of veiled threats only make the child retreat in fear.  They foster resentment and further threaten your child’s tenuous world.

Some Suggestions for Change

1. Stop. Now. If any of the above statements sound vaguely familiar, you need to stop now. You probably already know that by uttering these kind of remarks, the relationship you have with your child is stressed further. Nothing you say is worth risking that.
2. Take a time out. Sounds juvenile, I know.  But when you feel the urge to make an editorial comment that potentially could have these adverse effects on your child, take a few seconds and consider what will really be accomplished? If you know it’s not helping your child cope with the situation, it’s best not to say it.
3. Try complimenting their mother instead. Find something, (look very hard if you need to) that you admire about your Ex and say that instead: Not in a moment of anger, but in a neutral one.  Let you child know that although you and their mother no longer live together, you both are able to see the good in the other.  This allows your child to feel good about you both.
4. Take the higher road. Sometimes it’s hard not to respond  in anger or with a derogatory remark when you hear something from your child that’s insulting. How do you respond when your four year-old says, “Mommy said you don’t want to give us any money.” It’s easy to respond in kind. By taking the higher ground, your remarks can focus on assurance, security, and love instead.  When you do that, it gives your child much needed support and assurance that she will always be provided for by you.

Check Your Anger and Guilt at the Door

Both of these intense emotional states are completely normal responses to separation, divorce (especially messy ones), and infrequent child visitation.  Each has something to teach us about our current situation.

The problem arises when we allow these states to influence our future behavior.  They can easily flavor our language with derisive comments and vitriolic speeches if not kept in check.

If these two states are a problem, get some help.  Most employers have an agreement with an company that provides free, confidential referrals to mental health professionals.  I recently called mine and gained a referral for LE for some ongoing issues.  If these services are available through your employer, get the assistance you need in communicating with your child. You’ll both be glad you did.

Helpful Links:

• Book: Between Two Worlds – The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce
• The 7 Worst Things to Say to a Child During Divorce
• Good Communication During Divorce
• Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce

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Stay tuned for the next post in the 31DBBSD series when I tackle the topic of Single Dads Dating. Make sure you’re subscribed to this series (and all Solo-Dad updates) by subscribing to our RSS feed or via email.

Related Posts You Might Enjoy!

• 31DBBSD Day #8: Watch Your Language, Son
• 31DBBSD – Day #7: Single Dad Dating: Keeping It Private
• 31DBBSD Day #5: Think Spanking Is A Good Thing? Think Again!
• 31 DBBSD – Day #2: Make Time with Your Child a Priority
• 31 DBBSD – Day #1: Pay Your Child Support On Time