The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues. Chapter 3 – You are her first love – is brought to you by author, designer, consultant, speaker, & adventurer (and everything else you ever wanted to be)  Chris Marsden.

With that in mind, the introduction to this chapter was incredibly encouraging. I am their first love. No matter who else is in their life or how cute they are, I am still the one that they will compare them back to (hopefully not the cute part). Except that means that I am also the one who is setting the standard for how they give and receive love as well. And while that, too, adds a bit of boost to the ego, it is also a bit challenging and frightening.

Meeker talks about five things that dad’s need to do/focus on to help their daughter’s get a healthy dose of and view of love.

Words

Men and women are different. Women like to talk, most guys don’t. And it isn’t even really a like issue. Women need to talk. With our wives, it is easy for them to explain that to us and it is just as easy for us to explain to them, “not right now, I’ll talk to you in a little bit,” but it is harder for our daughters to understand. They don’t know they need to talk, they just do. And they don’t know they need to hear you talk to them and encourage them, they just do.

We need to tell our daughters that we love them. Regularly. Genuinely. We need to mean it and we need to be able to explain it, especially as they get older. They need to hear those words from us.

Fences

It is our job, as dads, to build a series of rules and boundaries around our children’s lives that guide them and protect them. These fences are not permanent installations, they shift and are torn down as our girls age and mature. They are about safety.

There is a part of me that struggles with this. Part of me loves the idea of building a wall of rules around my girls and keeping them safe from the world and part of me thinks that if I build this restrictive rule structure they will either rebel or become co-dependant homebodies. Meeker points out a couple things that I think help.

It is not about trust, it is about safety. The rules we create have to be about keeping them safe and moving them towards their future. It can’t be about control or our whims.

Girls who rebel don’t rebel because there are rules. They rebel against the rules because the rules aren’t balanced against anything else. Love has to be the center of the relationship and the rules have to be created and enforced with love in mind.

Silence

Silence goes along with words. Yes, I daughters need to hear us tell them they love them, but they also need us to be quiet and listen. The catch, that Meeker points out, is something I am definitely guilty of. We’re busy or we’ve had a long day and we “just want to unwind” and we tell our girls, “just a minute” or “not right now.” For me, this is going to be one of the biggest challenges. To listen to the random story that is completely non-sequitur, even when I am tired or distracted.

When my wife ignores me, even for a good reason, part of me feels dismissed and less loved than when she pays attention to me. Why would my daughters feel any different.

Time

This one felt like the most obvious on the list. We need to give our daughters time, right? Of course we do. We need to do it without resentment or begrudgingly? Again, yes. But the good news is this. That time you need to spend with your daughter isn’t as big of a deal as you might be thinking. It is about taking the time to consistently give her your attention, not about coming up with a huge event, just to spend some time together.

The question is, who is the focus on. Daddy/daughter dates are great, if you are showing her your love and attention just like on a date (I once witnessed a Dad out with his daughter where they both spent the meal playing on their phones). A grocery shopping trip with one of the girls might be necessary at times, but I can tell you from personal experience that inviting one of the girls along to help run Daddy errands to Best Buy or Lowes is huge. When they are “helping” me and I am focused on them, we both win.

Will

Love is hard. Sometimes it’s not, life is easy, kids are behaving and we’re living a Hallmark card kind of love without any work. But usually it’s hard. It is going to take hard work.

My daughters are 1, 5, and 7. Right now, we have our bad days, but loving my girls is still pretty easy. I’m hoping that reading this book and the hard work I’m investing now will make the teenage years all smooth sailing (is that even possible), but it takes me saying to myself and saying to my girls that no matter what, I will love you.

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project continues.  Chapter 2 – She needs a hero – is brought to you by fellow tyndale-seminary alumni, raising the village director, and good friend, Alan Liu.

Chapter 2 establishes how to be a hero to our daughters. Show leadership and authority in protecting her. Persevering and staying on course when times, and wives, and daughters, are tough.

One of the key takeaways for me was when Meeker cautions, “remember that when she pushes hard against your rules, flailing, crying that you are mean or unfair, she is really asking you a question: Am I worth the fight, Dad?… Make sure she knows the answer is yes.” Am I worth the fight? It’s a question humanity asked Jesus and that cost him his life. It seems it’s a question that will be asked of us. And I so want to say yes, yes, yes.

But my daughter is just three months old. My marriage is just over two years. Sure, it’s been good, but not nearly long enough to be a model. We say to have faith, trust your instincts, but stats don’t lie. We are failing.

Meeker finishes the chapter with this bit about being a real man. Being a heroic father. Having courage, perseverance and integrity. And I agree!

But integrity is a double-edged sword, and for every rallying cry the standard of integrity causes, there is a cry of submission. Some of us will read this chapter and not be inspired. Some of us will read this chapter and feel this heavy rock fall squarely on our shoulders.

And that would be unfortunate, because I don’t think Meeker is trying to do that. On the whole, she is trying to help fathers and I think she would agree that it’s not just having the integrity to do the right thing. It is in fact the willingness to try. And to genuinely admit when you are wrong. And to try again. Perseverance is not a shotgun or a hammer where the more you bang, the better you get. It is a finely honed chisel that requires thought, reflection and an openness that lets our daughters see who we really are: Men of hope, and ultimately, children of Grace.

Let me be clear, integrity is a virtue. But it isn’t human to achieve it. We will make mistakes and when we do, integrity shatters. If we were to ask Meeker, I’m sure she would say a father being genuine is assumed. I am saying that it is not. We try too hard to do what’s right, and hide what’s wrong and my firm belief is that as sure as Jesus knows, so do our daughters.

Speaking of Strong Daughters, this is fresh from our ultrasound today.

And yes, she’s a girl!  That or the boy has a really small wee wee… which just couldn’t possibly be.

That makes three girls in my life now.  I’m officially surrounded, but not surrendering anytime soon.

The Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters Group Blogging Project begins today!  The next three weeks an awesome group of guys will be chronicling their chapter-by-chapter reflections through the book.  If you’re a dad at any stage – keep tracking with us here.

Chapter One – Today’s post is brought to you by Marty Schmidt – an awesome friend and church planter in Iowa.

I’m in awkward territory. I grew up as the middle child of three brothers. I have five nephews. My first born is a son. I have only known boys! Then on June 10 of 2007 this little lady shows up. Twenty one months later little lady number two shows up. I now find myself in this place of being a father to two daughters and I am having a blast!

In the introduction to Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters author Meeker makes the comment, “Dads, you are far more powerful than you think you are.” And we are. In fact chapter one words it this way “You Are the Most Important Man in Her Life” and because of that, “your daughter needs the best of who you are: your strength, your courage, your intelligence, and your fearlessness. She needs your empathy, assertiveness, and self-confidence. She needs you.”

After reading about some of the disturbing data as it relates to young girls and sexual activity one can become quite discouraged. If left on their own the likely-hood of a girl getting swept away into a bunch of misguided decisions that carry devastating consequences is very high. It angered me when I read the guidelines written in the manual of Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. The information presented is not only robbing our young ones of innocence but also misguiding them. Meeker says it well when in that, “they normalize the bizarre.”

This doesn’t have to be though. An involved loving Father can make all the difference. I know this to be true. It makes complete sense. The last section of chapter one even lists out the positive impact on younger and older girls who have a strong and/or close relationships with their father. We have the ability to be the influence that trumps any and all other authority.

My first take away is that an involved Father is a strong Father!

How about you? What was your takeaway from chapter one?
How do you see yourself as the most important man in her life?

My wife and I just finished the book “No Impact Man“, about a family that attempts to live a year creating zero environmental impact.

Rarely do we read a book concurrently, but this one’s proven to be awesome for discussion. I kept the fact that there’s a documentary film being released on it soon from her so she’d journey through the details of the book with me.

And yes, we’ll be doing something about it all.

Follow their blog here.

What have you done for your planet lately?

I grabbed a late night bite with Mr. Broken-but-usable JD yesterday.  The jerk called me a lone ranger.

About fifteen years ago when I first entered the doors of a church I was called a lone ranger as well.

Trying to not look stupid, I rarely talked to anybody about my spiritual journey.  On my own I read through the Bible, the Koran, Buddhist texts, and other philosophical books.  I was desperately trying to figure it out on my own.  Yes, cue in Celine Dion’s All by myself.

Fast forward to today, and I’m all about community development.

Whether it’s within the church, or in neighborhoods, or even virtually, everything I think and do ties back to connecting people and cultivating community.  Problem is, I still lack it on some level.

I meet with lots of folks and I’m involved in many groups, but community still seems elusive to me.

It could be because I have an over-idealized image of what it looks like.

It could be my social tick that causes me to either only lead in group settings or be completely disengaged (which I’ve read is common if you’re an only-child – a term which I thought was ‘lonely-child’ growing up, but that’s another story). Now that I think about it, I’ve seen this in quite a number of ‘ministers’.  Passionate when we’re leading, just screwing around in the back when we’re not (my past ten small groups can attest to this on my behalf)

It could be that I just flat out haven’t made the effort.

What do you think?

Is there some neurotic place within me that thinks everyone deserves community but me?

Do I secretly despise people?

Is it because I wear the same jeans multiple times before washing them?

JD fears with all that I do I’m going to crash and burn.  Somebody save me.

Photo Credit: Rantes

Donald Miller is back with a new one, and I’ve got to say as good as blue like jazz was, I like his latest musings even more.

Miller explorers the power of stories as he journeys through making a movie based on his life. The primary premise of the book was that a story is ‘a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it’.

The stories we believe or tell ourselves drastically change the world in which we live.

This book would be great for anyone who’s a communicator and understanding the techniques that make a powerful story.

But the most important take away that Miller hammers really well at, is it’s not a bad thing to be able to tell great stories, but what’s even better is living out a great story.

Best of all, there’s an even greater story every one of us is already a part of.

Friends ask me all the time about making money blogging.

First off I don’t blog in order to make money, it’s something I do anyways, much like using toilet paper.

Second of all, I’m a far cry from an A-list blogger and suffer from bouts of inconsistency like the bulk of bloggers out there.

I’ve been with Google Adsense for a number of years and I’m thankful that they’ve helped pay for my hosting bills but I’ll be transitioning from them soon.

Adsense is great if you’re just starting out as it’s all automated and the ads are contextual (although they could work on their algorithms – they keep serving up banners for “Sexy Christian Singles” on my site – ’sexy’ i can understand, but ’single’ I definitely am not)

has also provided some healthy additional revenue. You really need to have a google pagerank of at least 3 and some decent traffic to get accepted as a publisher. If you do, I’d definitely recommend them as they’re fairly unobtrusive.

Sponsors and Affiliates is the route I’d like to begin moving the site more towards.

Primarily because I think it would make the site cleaner and I could partner with individuals and organizations that I feel more aligned with. If you or your organization would like to advertise here contact me and I can send you the current rate sheet.

You can also generate income through affiliate fees. I’d recommend advertising ones you’ve actually used and feel would add value. There’s no perfect host out there, but Site5 has been where several sites I run are hosted. Thesis is an SEO optimized flexible theme that powers SolarCrash is also a phenomenal product with a great affiliate program.

If you’re interested in getting your own blog going, designed, connected, and monetized I’ve recently began doing some work through humanity3.com. ‘ministry’ isn’t exactly flooding me with cash lately, so I’m hoping some freelance work compensates a bit.

So there’s you go, that’s how I keep this site afloat while paying some bills.

Deconstruct this.

You’re in a large room hanging out with a bunch of people. They don’t appear familiar but you’re having a great time.

Someone enters the room and begins the gathering.

Everyone in the room takes turns sharing, mostly meandering about their past sins and tragic mistakes.

This scene of friendly chatter followed by a time of confession seems to continue over and over and months seem to pass.

And then during one of the ‘circle times’ you finally connect the dots, and it dawns on you that everyone in the room is either a murderer or a rapist.

You’re shocked wondering what you’re doing there.

You tell the person leading the therapy session, you don’t belong here.

He says he knows, he’s seen your file.

You explain to him got you’ve nothing against these folks, and that although you have your share of issues, this isn’t for you.

He responds “Do you think you’re better than them?”

Confused, your mind goes to a complete blank.

Actually this was a recent dream I found myself in. Except in the end, the confusion overloads my dream, and I find myself awake unable to go back to bed.

Tell me doc, am I just another self-righteous dude who doesn’t honestly want to identify with ‘the least of these’?

I just finished reading the book “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters“, and had to share it with more people.

I’ve gathered a bunch of men raising daughters to group blog through the book chapter by chapter here in two weeks.

Some awesome missions-oriented guys joining the ride:

Marty Schmidt
Tony Sheng
Sam Radford
Chris Marsden
Alan Liu
JD Heffern

If you’re a dad with a daughter, and interested in joining us, let me know. It should be a really great experience for all.

i am not a television watcher, but i just watched all four seasons of battlestar galactica over a span of two months earlier this year, and I’ve got to say the series rocked. There’s so much in there, I wish I blogged about it throughout each season.

I don’t want to give away too much if you haven’t watched it, but it’s a sci-fi oriented post-apocalyptic drama – a bit like the explorations of noah’s ark in space. It sounds kooky but the characters and the questions it provokes are phenomenal.

What I loved about the show:

How humans have an incredible capacity to survive the toughest conditions

Questions of why we of all species deserve to survive?

How humans were either atheists or polytheists, while the ‘evil’ robots were monotheists

What it’s like to become that which you hate

pressing the limits of what it means to love and value – regardless of beliefs and even origins

How they managed to mix themes of technology and progress with mythical stuff like angels

The cyclon robots seemed to have a type of militant evangelicalism.

Themes of Islamic jihad and even Buddhist reincarnation were explored (ie. the downloading to new bodies)

Questions of who your creator is, why he made us, and what good is he?

I didn’t like Baltar’s christ-like evolution, but I loved the subtle bits of him despising his farm boy childhood and re-embracing it.

Whether we truly value the soul, or the shell it’s encased in?

I could go on and on. Anyone else love Battlestar? See incredible themes that tie in issues of faith and humanity?

Did everyone catch the live streaming U2 rose bowl concert? They should be rebroadcasting it here soon. I got a ton of hits from people searching for song lyrics and meanings. There’s so much great stuff in One, but did you ever notice the lyrics in this verse?

It’s too late
tonight
to drag the past out
into the lights

Besides being profound and rhyming, every line here starts with a different variant of the sound 2… yet the song is called One… intriguing eh?

Here’s an awesome rendition with Mary J. Blige