you may have noticed that there have not been any updates to this site in quite a while - some unplanned Real Life Troubles (TM) have prevented me from dedicating as much time to slashymoviereviews.com as I’d originally planned.

So this is me announcing the infamous indefinite hiatus.

If any of you lot don’t have to deal with Real Life (TM) keeping you busy and would like to write a guest review, here are some general rules and guidelines:

1) The review should be structured like the ones I’ve published on this site so far…

2) …with a word count of 800 to 1,200 words.

3) I won’t be paying for the review. Conclusively, all rights remain your own and you may publish the review wherever you want - but of course I’d be happy if you included a link to this site.

Yours,

SBunny

I have to admit I knew next to nothing about Star Trek except that slash originated through two of its characters, in a pairing that, of all things, can be shortened to KOCK. And that there is the legend of William Shatner heroically sucking in his gut for several seasons and various movies. And I’m not really much of a Sci-Fi fan, but I figured, “It’s a movie about the origins of the origins of slash. And the actors of KOCK knew each other from working out in the same gym.” Let us let this last one sink for a while…yeah, you can’t really go wrong with that.

What’s the movie about?

The official plot has something to do with black holes and time travel, which were apparently written in to avoid anachronisms with the original series and so that Leonard Nimoy could have a guest spot…it involved exploding planets, Spock’s mother (Winona Ryder), revenge, and Evil!Eric Bana looking disappointingly non-sexy…and that’s pretty much all I remember of it. But the set-up goes like this: James Tiberius Kirk (Chris Pine), son of war hero George Kirk (who sacrificed himself to save 800 lives), grows up to be a rather directionless young man - he has no aspirations beyond enjoying speedy vehicles, women, and bar fights. But by appealing to Kirk’s daddy issues, Captain Pike (Bruce Greenwood) convinces the young man to tap into his potential and join the Starfleet Academy. Kirk befriends fellow cadet, doctor, and flying phobic Leonard McCoy (Karl Urban), doesn’t manage to get it on with female cadet Uhura (Zoe Saldana), and gets off on the wrong foot with half-Vulcan Commander Spock (Zachary Quinto). Naturally, they all end up on the Enterprise, along with a bunch of other cute guys, and much adventure ensues…see “plot” above.

Is it a good movie?

It’s kinda hard to say, given that I don’t remember the plot and all. But everything was very shiny and I do recall enjoying myself for most of the time and finding things engaging (the movie did suffer from a few action-comedy-car-chase-esque scenes which I assume were supposed to be entertaining and funny, and sadly belong to the typical blockbuster array). And while destiny and daddy issues aren’t going to win you any prices for originality, “Star Trek” is in fact character-driven (within the limits of the genre) and the producers paid attention to who’s acting - this means that clichéd scenes which would otherwise have been entirely cringeworthy are instead delightfully cheesy and leave you with a fuzzy feeling of fondness. There are some hilarious moments, like when Kirk and McCoy first meet each other on the Starfleet shuttle (”I may throw up on you.”), and Chris Pine assuming Shatner’s trademark position in the command chair is hysterical in itself. The ending left even me with a huge grin on my face and I’m probably as far away from a Trekkie as sales receipts are from Winona Ryder’s purse.

Is it a slashy movie?

There are at least half a dozen hot guys in the film and not really anything in the script to contradict slash, which is an invitation in itself. That said, I tried to see the KOCK. I assume it’s there, because other slashfans have reported on having seen it, but no matter how hard I tried to focus on Kirk and Spock’s epic future love, I failed to pick up on the UST between them. Is this blasphemy?

I did however notice a long, soulful look between hunky George Kirk and his Captain…sizzling vibes between Kirk and Pike (erastes also mentioned Pike/Spock)…a dirty plot bunny for Evil!Eric Bana/Pike (he kept Pike prisoner and called him by his first name) and finally dirtybadwrong tension between Kirk and Leonard Nimoy. And Scotty and that cute stony gremlin type dwarf, but let’s not go there.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

Let me, for obvious reasons, focus on this movie (number XI) instead of decades of Kirk/Spock based on the original series: newtrekslash is the place to seek out on LJ. kateandromeda has compiled a spiffy new Kirk/Spock fanfiction masterlist here and trek_news will guide you anywhere else.

Dear Hugh Jackman, there are several things about you that I adore. Your physique at forty, for instance - I fell out of love with Wentworth Miller when he started to go all out of shape at the grand old age of thirty-five because he couldn’t lay off the frappuccinos (which was roughly at the same time that he began walking around with a kabbalah bracelet and until this day, I can’t decide if that’s worse than the paunch). Then the fact that you’re a family man who for all we can see adores his kids and his wife and so far has not decided to “change his life” by merely exchanging his current woman for a younger one. Basically, you’re awesome. And I’m sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.

What’s the movie about?

Mutant half-brothers James Howlett (aka Logan aka Wolverine and played by Hugh Jackman) and Victor Creed (Liev Schreiber) are apparently immortal (the movie never explains this further) and haven’t aged since growing into adulthood in the mid-1800s. Because they suffer from some sort of mutant-animalistic rage (in Logan’s case, this is mentioned countless of times but never witnessed), they make do in the army and fight and kill their way through the Civil War, World War I and II, and the Vietnam War. After Vietnam, they join an undercover team of mutants led by Colonel William Stryker (Danny Huston) and Logan watches Victor and the others fight and kill some more. Finally unable to deal with the bloodshed and his brother’s lust for it, he leaves and begins a quiet life in the Canadian Rockies. That life, however, comes to a violent end when somebody starts murdering his former mutant teammates.

Is it a good movie?

It’s an unimaginative bore with no moral to its story, not even a pretentious one. Its only redeeming value is Hugh Jackman who somehow manages not to fall over in pain when hit with uninspired lines (”No one kills you but me!”) or having to say them himself. The characters’ motivations are clichéd (or archaic, if that suits you better - but neither works with unoriginal dialogue), if you learn of them at all. The movie goes for a slick look and aptly combines that with lots of violence and usually the intention of these means is to make something look sophisticated - which does not work when one has seen all the script’s scenes done better in other stories before. Lots of things are left unexplained (the immortality, Logan’s other mutant skills, when he stopped going by James and adopted the name Logan, how long this world has known of mutants), unexplained and potentially illogical (why this or that hurts or kills someone (or doesn’t, for that matter)), or simply utterly un-called for (the infantile boxing match scene). You’d also question the characters’ intelligence at times: Logan apparently never bothered to ask what exactly his make-over halfway through the movie entailed and how this one secret facility could exist for years with hardly any guards and someone so dumb in charge you’re left to wonder (memo: don’t create an indestructible weapon if you have no means to control it). Finally, there’s this whole theme about Logan quarreling with the idea that he’s a brutal animal, only his complex makes no sense when the first minutes of the movie established him as nothing but a soldier who looked awfully pained at his brother’s bloodlust and tried to stop it.

I would like to say something conciliatory, though: Hugh Jackman. Butt naked.

Is it a slashy movie?

The prologue and credits are 130 years of “Supernatural’s” Sam and Dean in eight minutes. There’s plenty of saving each other from enemies, Oh-my-God-he-has-been-shot looks, I-violently-need-to-kill-the-person-who-did-it actions, and finally Hugh Jackman looking all tragic and remarkably pretty when Logan witnesses Victor’s taste for killing develop. Victor also has quite the unhealthy obsession with Logan once they meet again and in the few moments where there is characterization bears a my-soulmate-abandoned-me aura. Thank God they’re half-brothers, otherwise Victor choking Logan while snarling, “Tell me something, Jimmy - was she worth it?” would give me ideas.

There’s also some gay innuendo about this one guy from the mutant task force and the possibility (for a slasher, anyway) for Logan/Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) at the very end. And if it’s your sort of thing, I suppose one could come up with some sick Logan/Stryker bunnies.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

Usually, when a comicbook movie makes me want to read fanfic, I do in fact want fanfic that’s based on the movieverse, not the original comics or cartoons. The apt places on LJ to check out for that sort of thing are xmorigins and xmmff (they have a lot of het, too). An archive for stories based on any of the “X-Men” movies also exists at fanfiction.net. If you don’t care for the ‘verse but simply Wolvie in slashy situations, I’d suggest x_slash.

You’d think that as a die-hard slash fan, I would have known better. I mean, take “Top Gun” for instance: despite the aircraft, the love-story with the hot female instructor (and the most cringeworthy sex-scene in history until “Watchmen” came along), and lots of supposedly uber-straight guys, I’d never believe for a second that this movie was about anything other than latent homosexuality in the Naval aviator scene. Yet for some reason, I had been giving “The Fast And The Furious” a miss for years - even though it contains pimped cars, scantily-clad women, and lots of supposedly uber-straight guys and conclusively is clearly about latent homosexuality in L.A.’s illegal street racing scene. What was I thinking?

What’s the movie about?

The official set-up goes like this: After a series of truck hijackings committed by a group of people who seem to belong to L.A.’s street racing circle, Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) is suspected of being the head of the gang. Toretto is a famous street racer by night and runs a garage for his day job, where he tunes up cars with the help of his buddies Vince (Matt Schulze), Jesse (Chad Lindberg) and his girlfriend Letty (Michelle Rodriguez, playing a character whose racing doubtlessly endangers others, though probably not as much as the actress’s drunk driving). Dominic’s sister Mia (Jordana Brewster), who’s in charge of the bar attached to the shop, has found an admirer in Brian (Paul Walker), the new guy on the block who jobs at a local car parts place and wants to break into street racing himself. With the exception of Mia the crew doesn’t want the guy around, but after saving Dominic from the cops one night when he tries to flee the scene of a race, Brian wins Toretto’s friendship and becomes part of his gang. But, as both Toretto siblings will have to learn eventually, Brian is not who he claims to be.

Is it a good movie?

If “Pimp My Ride” existed in feature-length format, this movie would still be much more ridiculous. It scores with shiny cars and an appropriate soundtrack, but with that come eye-roll inducing silly one-liners, eye-roll inducing grandiose one-liners (”I live my life a quarter mile at a time.”), male posturing and dick waving contests (not literally, unfortunately), kissing non-lesbian valley girls in the background, and the ludicrous notion that cars are a remedy for Attention Deficit Disorder (just…don’t ask). Also, for a movie with so little plot, it’s rather confusing at times: there are lots of unnecessary scenes that don’t advance the story one bit and left me feeling rather, “whatever…” because I had no idea why they were in there.

However, the movie’s characters get a few drama-esque moments, more than in most action flicks and enough that you might find these people appealing and care what happens to them in the end. Speaking of which: if you’re one of those people who find that an - until then good - story can be ruined entirely by a dumb ending, you may also find that the ending of “The Fast And The Furious”, which is nicely ambivalent and open and has a great final shot, elevates the entire movie.

All in all, I liked the flick and the characters enough to watch this year’s successor “Fast & Furious” (which I think is actually a much better film).

Is it a slashy movie?

Brian does seem a bit confused about which Toretto is supposed to be his love interest: At the beginning of the film, while chatting with Mia at the bar, he totally checks out Dominic before sharing the first of at least half a dozen eyefucks with him. In fact, you’d think Mia has picked up on the chemistry too and is playing matchmaker, for even when dating Brian, she’s constantly telling him outrageous things, such as: “You know, my brother likes you. Usually he doesn’t like anybody.” “He owns you now.” Or, on her and Brian’s first date, “Dom’s like gravity. Everything gets pulled to him. Even you.” There is also a side-plot about Vince being pissed off that Brian has become part of Dominic’s circle because, allegedly, Vince sees Brian as a romantic rival for Mia. Though that doesn’t really explain why he feels the need to call Brian a faggot and demonstratively kiss Dom on his bald head in front of everybody. His actions are put to shame though by Brian in the scene where Dom gives Brian Vince’s beer bottle and Brian wipes it off, stares at Vince with those obscenely pretty ice-blue bedroom eyes of his, and then takes a draught. He also gives Dom lots of tragic, conflicted looks towards the ending and Dom, having shared The Tragic Story Of His Youth ^TM with Brian earlier, gazes at him in utter betrayal when he finds out who Brian really is…which is probably what prompts Brian to make a sacrifice just epic enough for a romantic lead and his love interest…err, her brother.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

The most active place on LJ is quarter_mile. Then there’s the archive at fanfiction.net and the Yahoo!Groups TheFastandtheFuriousSlash and FastandFuriousSlash. You also need to have a look at the “The Fast And The Furious” stories by Khaleesian, Maygra, Estrella, Mlyn, and possibly whatever can be found at crack_van and beforeyouwrite.

Sometimes the universe seems to find satisfaction in being cruel to the fangirl. Like this one time when I dreamt I was in bed with Bradley James, and we were necking and about to have sex, but then I woke up because the freaking doorbell rang (yes, the person who rang it is still among us). But as if to atone, this week the universe provided my slashy self with great joy: Not only did I finally (at the insistence of a fellow fangirl) discover the slashiness that is “The Fast And The Furious”, I also found that there’s currently a sequel in the theaters that reunites the original cast and ends on a complete OT3 note. Happiness!

What’s the movie about?

Here be slight spoilers for 2001’s “The Fast And The Furious”. Proceed with caution!

After hiding from the US authorities in Mexico, the Dominican Republic, and finally Panama, the murder of a loved one brings former garage owner/street race driver/truck hijacker Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) back to his hometown of Los Angeles. Driven (ha!) by the need for revenge, he starts looking for the killer. He crosses paths again with Brian O’Conner (Paul Walker) - the former undercover cop who, in an epic gesture of devotion, let Dominic escape five years earlier out of manly respect for him and because he was allegedly in love with Dom’s sister Mia (Jordana Brewster). Brian, now an FBI agent (amazing how to a shallow chick a hot actor appears even hotter wearing a suit and a wire), must compete in a street race whose winner will become part of a team that traffics heroin across the US-Mexico border for a drug lord chased by the FBI. Unfortunately, Dom’s investigations have led him to the same drug lord, racing against Brian for the very same spot.

Is it a good movie?

Apart from the first ten minutes, which are a somewhat tedious mixture between a commercial for Shell Oil and Bacardi (with a philosophical one-liner - “Ride or die!” - thrown in for good measure), I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Apparently, the people who made this movie understood that flashy cars in breakneck races aren’t exciting unless you care about who’s driving. The movie is surprisingly wistful at times, like when Dom’s potential love interest realizes her flirting has been in vain, and it doesn’t try to infuse its Nitty Gritty Realism ^TM with a painful sledgehammer message. In fact, what bugged me most were the scantily-clad kissing pseudo-lesbians who - despite being realistic - were in there merely for the male viewing pleasure. And I have yet to figure out why the FBI never set up camp in front of Mia’s house (which would have been the obvious thing to do, trying to find her brother who’s back in town and all).

Is it a slashy movie?

Let me put it this way: while there is hardly any slash in the actual text of the script, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker’s chemistry is so massive that their characters even eyefuck when they cannot see each other (in the film’s very last scene, in case you’re wondering). There’s Brian, instinctively feeling Dom’s presence at the funeral; the sweet, slashy recognition on his face when he finally sees Dom; the tragic looks of man!pain the two of them exchange as they acknowledge that “a lot has changed”. At some point, Mia wants to know why Brian let her brother go that day, to which Brian has no answer, and later he has a terribly fond expression on his face as he watches Dominic and Mia banter. Before this culminates in the ultimate OT3 ending (behold yet another one of Brian’s epic gestures of devotion), the movie re-stages its earlier murder - only this time, the person Dominic cares for doesn’t die, as he comes to the rescue before Brian is shot…which, when you think dramatic symmetry, is uber-slashy. As is Dom’s statement, “I’m one of those boys that appreciates a fine bodywork regardless of the make.”

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

For new fanfiction based on this installment (and the previous ones), you can head over to the LJ community quarter_mile. Then there’s the archive at fanfiction.net which will also have fanfic based on any movie of the franchise. The same might be true for the Yahoo!Groups TheFastandtheFuriousSlash and FastandFuriousSlash; you can definitely check them out for stuff written after the earlier films. For the sake of completeness, you also need to have a look at the “The Fast And The Furious” stories by Khaleesian, Maygra, Estrella, Mlyn, and whatever can be found at crack_van and beforeyouwrite.

I’m another fangirl who’s bitten the dust: I’m high as a kite on the BBC’s “Merlin”. My love for Arthur Pendragon who I wish would shag me blind its characters and the slash dragon must have impaired my higher brain functions; it’s the only explanation I have for reasoning, “yay, a dragon, a teenage boy with a destiny, and Jeremy Irons as his hot mentor; I’m sure it’ll be delightful” while completely ignoring that the movie is based on a teenage boy’s geeky jerk-off fantasy. And I’m not blaming “Eragon’s” author in the slightest; you just would have thought that by 2006, Jessica Alba had taught Hollywood that jerk-off fantasies on the silver screen are a really bad idea.

What’s the movie about?

The land of Alagaësia was once peaceful and prospered under the government of the dragon riders, warriors who have each bonded with a dragon and are able to use magic. Then one of them, Galbatorix (John Malkovich), destroyed (nearly) all of the riders and their dragons and has since then ruled over Alagaësia as a tyrannical king. One night, the elf Arya (Sienna Guillory) manages to steal a dragon egg from Galbatorix, and while the king’s right hand man, the sorcerer Durza (Robert Carlyle), eventually captures her, he fails to retrieve the egg, which is later found by the seventeen-year-old farm boy Eragon (Ed Speleers). Only a short while after a blue dragon named Saphira (voiced by Rachel Weisz) has hatched from the egg, magical beings serving the king, the Ra’zac, are searching for the dragon and the person it bonded with upon hatching. They destroy the farm of Eragon’s uncle and kill him, but with the help of Saphira and the mysterious Brom (Jeremy Irons), Eragon manages to escape. He learns that his destiny is to become a dragon rider and help overthrow Galbatorix’s tyranny.

Is it a good movie?

Let me answer that by re-telling you what the movie is about: After Eragon Skywalker has discovered that the farm of his uncle has been destroyed and his uncle is dead, he is taken under the wing of weirdo-who-is-more-than-meets-the-eye Brom Kenobi. In the city of…I have no idea, but let’s call it Isengart, Durza Wormtongue proudly beholds the army of Uruk-haigal he’s to lead in the fight against Eragon and his allies. At some point, Qui-Gon Jinn dies, and then Saphira and Eragon battle evil while flying through Coruscant.

Basically, the movie is an accumulation of elements you’ve seen in other well-known fantasy fare, but it lacks the charm that reminds you why you love old hats, and therefore fails to be engaging. It merely tells, never shows, what it is that makes Eragon so very special. I only need to take one look at Jeremy Iron’s Brom to be able to tell that he is special; unfortunately, he’s not the protagonist. I would have loved more Brom, instead, I had to watch Eragon in an infantile scene where he learns to ride Saphira, or listen to his battle-cry of, “Into the sky, to win or die!” At this point, I would like to admit that I do not see how people can have conversations with their enemies in mid-air. Do they magically enhance their voices so that they can hear each other’s one-liners?

In conclusion: “Eragon’s” title song by Avril Lavigne should have played during the opening credits, because while watching the movie, it would have been nice to fall back on, “Keep holding on, ‘cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through.” The baby dragon was adorable, though.

Is it a slashy movie?

Jeremy Irons in mysterious!mentor mode is very sexy, and I would not have blamed Eragon in the slightest had he developed a bit of a crush. It’s not there, but Eragon never meets Arya until two-thirds through the film, and even then, they only share a few flirty smiles and pretty much no screen time. Which, in slash fan logic, means Eragon/Brom (traveling through Middle-earth, hunted by evil) is totally there.

But the biggest slash potential probably exists between Eragon and two guys whom I have not mentioned in the summary, because they’re not integral to the plot of this movie at all - they come to play important roles in the books, so their characters needed to be introduced in case Hollywood decided to film a sequel. One of them is Eragon’s cousin, Roran (Christopher Egan), with whom Eragon grew up. After a lovely let’s-roll-around-in-the-dirt-and-fight-and-rub-against-each-other-for-fun scene at the beginning of the film, Roran tells Eragon in a very serious manner that he’s leaving their village so he won’t be drafted to fight in the king’s army. They’re on a sun-soaked field during that scene, wearing shirts with wide-open collars, looking pretty and boyish and golden, and I don’t think I have to tell you what growing-up scenarios I was imagining for them at this point. Maybe the ones Eragon was reminiscing about when he was standing at the spot where he had said goodbye to Roran, staring off into the distance until the sun set. Later, he gets a very fond expression on his face as he mentions to Brom how he and Roran used to train together with swords.

And then there’s this other guy, Murtagh (Garrett Hedlund), who’s hardly in the movie at all, but if you’re a slash fan, his actions obviously suggest that he has a bit of a crush on Eragon.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

The biggest places on Livejournal to check for “Eragon” slash are rider_slash and eragonmurtagh. However, as there are already several “Eragon” novels out, many fanfics are most likely based on those, so you should beware of spoilers.

This is a chick flick. Don’t be fooled by its violent, pretentious, wannabe-dystopic plot. It features the ultimate female fantasy: Hottie Christian Bale stars as a guy who can kick ass and then learns how to feel. It’s like “Batman Begins”, but backwards, and without Katie Holmes (and Liam Neeson delivering ridiculous Qui-Gon-on-vengeance monologues).

What’s the movie about?

After a third world war, caused by man’s “volatile nature”, has nearly destroyed mankind, human emotions are outlawed. In the new society of Libria (a city state with as much charm and green as a bridge pier), people regularly have to inject themselves with a drug called prozium that suppresses the ability to feel. The government, a council led by a figurehead known as Father, also maintains a special elite task force, the Grammaton Clerics, whose job is to hunt down any “sense offenders” (aka people who do not take their prozium) and eliminate them, along with anything left from before the war that might encourage human emotions - recordings of music, books, artwork. The easy find them, kill them, live on guilt-free ever after routine of the council’s best cleric, John Preston (Christian Bale), finds an end after his own colleague, Errol Partridge (Sean Bean), turns out to be a sense offender. Intrigued by what it is that made a fellow cleric risk capital punishment, Preston fails to take a dose of prozium and immediately grows a conscience. His altered behavior doesn’t go unnoticed by his new partner (Taye Diggs). Preston desperately tries to save Partridge’s former lover, Mary (Emily Watson), from her impending execution (something that never occurred to him when his own wife was found guilty of being a sense offender four years prior) and eventually joins the resistance that seeks to see Libria’s government (and prozium) destroyed. Their leader Jürgen (William Fichtner) entrusts Preston with a job that only the council’s most highly regarded cleric can do: kill Father.

Is it a good movie?

It’s a one-man Christian Bale show (who looks very hot in all black, all white, and half naked), so it’s pretty impossible for this film to be bad. That said, there are a lot of things about it that rub me the wrong way: It is disgustingly violent and it’s not the sort of violence that exposes the perversion of fighting for something beautiful with unbearably ugly means - like it’s done by, say, Kenneth Branagh’s “Henry V”. It’s the sort of violence that’s supposed to look cool and be exciting. Which means “Equilibrium” is not an intelligent dystopian vision (Libria’s flags look like a cross between those of the Third Reich and the GDR - I mean, wow), but a horribly violent action film that uses the dystopian element as an excuse for killing people in brutal ways that nevertheless make the main character look sexy. The uneasy feel this leaves you with is most likely meant to be reduced by the fact that all of the council’s law enforcement, with the exception of the clerics, wear helmets so that you can never see their faces, but the film clearly establishes the killing-machine Preston as likeable and innocent, because he didn’t know. Therefore, in conclusion, there are a lot of innocent people being killed - it’s not their fault they’re still on prozium and behave like robots.

What saves the film is that, despite the Sexy Violence ^TM, there is an emotional core that makes you care about the characters. And that it is well-acted. I’m still trying to figure out how the director got all these A-grade actors to do this script; it’s hardly as stellar as the cast. Emily Watson is very erotic and likeable as Mary and shares some very fine moments with Christian Bale, like when she attacks him in the interrogation room after finding out who he is or discovering that he has not been taking his drug. The scene where Preston rearranges his desk to be more individual is adorable and it’s very haunting (as well as a major turn-on) to watch him break down over a sunrise, over music, over seeing his own face on the tape of his wife’s execution. I’m still trying to figure out why guys seem to dig the movie so much; you’d think a story about a man forced to feel and being scared shitless of emotion would make many of them uncomfortable… maybe they’re into the realism of John Preston, like many a tough guy, eventually being seduced not by a woman but a dog.

Is it a slashy movie?

After I’d watched “Equilibrium” for the first time and had gone in search of slash, I was asked whom I’d pair Preston with. I reasoned Jürgen, because I was sure he’d look very hot once you got him out of his stupid overalls (for proof of that assumption, see “Prison Break” season 2). Apart from Partridge, he’s the most obvious choice: He gives Preston this whole kindred spirit speech, about how he was like Preston, how there are a few sense offenders who nevertheless have to force themselves to not feel while fighting for other people’s right to emotion: like the two of them. If by the end of the film, you had to slash Preston with anyone, it would clearly have to be Jürgen.

Earlier, at the beginning of the movie, Partridge seems a bit heartbroken over Preston’s inability to feel. You could fill this with a whole subtext about how Partridge had a crush on Preston and was…I don’t know, devastated when Preston didn’t feel anything when Partridge had to nail him during the clerics’ sexual initiation lessons or whatever (hey, that’s totally plausible, it’s not like in this universe, people would hook up for fun - I wonder if spouses were assigned). Finally, if you wanted to imagine that Preston was attracted to Mary because she is a connection to Partridge, rather then reminding him of his wife, the movie leaves this possibility wide open.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

The awesome kylielee1000 has assembled a fanfic index for “Equilibrium” here. To be there when other not-offending-the-slash-fan’s-senses-in-any-way fic hits the internet, it’s probably best to regularly check out baleslash. A community specifically dedicated to “Equilibrium” is the_nethers.

There is a notion that’s commonly let loose upon the world by adults who refer to themselves as artists, have no grasp of their own mediocrity, and presumably want to hide that by dazzling the general public with how deep they are. That notion is: “Sometimes, you have to suffer heartache and be unhappy to know you’re still alive.” Personally, when I want to know I’m alive, all I need to do is check my pulse. Or go into the front yard and pull weeds for three hours. Thing is, that idea is not for grown-ups. It’s for that time of life when you want to inhale “The Sorrows of Young Werther” and believe tragedies to be romantic. “Love in Thoughts” (based on what became known in the Weimar Republic as the “Steglitz Student Tragedy”) is a case study of how the uncompromising attitude of youth can go horribly wrong. And why it’s a good idea to mature. Eventually.

What’s the movie about?

June 1927: School friends Paul Krantz (Daniel Brühl), a shy poet from a poor background, and Günther Scheller (August Diehl), the bohemian son of upper-class parents, spend a weekend at the Schellers’ summer cottage, just outside of Berlin. Joining them is Günther’s sister Hilde (Anna Maria Mühe), who’s toying with Paul’s affections but secretly dating Günther’s former lover Hans (Thure Lindhardt) - whom Günther still has feelings for. After a large garden party, the situation escalates: drunk on grandiose ideas of love and death and facing rejection, Paul and Günther decide to murder the two people who betrayed their love - before committing suicide.

Is it a good movie?

Like I said, it’s a case study: It showcases how youth can cultivate melancholy and fatalism - and how it’s not a good idea to combine that state of mind with an easily available gun. It doesn’t suggest - and I think this deserves praise - that Paul and Günther’s ultimately infantile misconceptions of love are a romantic ideal worth striving for (otherwise, the film would be pretentious). The movie takes great care (through gorgeous cinematography and production design) to illustrate the inebriant mood the teenagers find themselves in: There’s the summer cottage (bathed alternately in sun- or candlelight), the sun-flooded heaths, an abandoned factory building where Paul and Günther fire the gun the latter got them (rousing a flock of pigeons against a backdrop of sunlight seeping in through the dusty windows). However, mood spelled backwards is doom - by assigning the viewer the position of an observer instead of allowing them to identify with the characters, you don’t really care whether they live or die in the end. Particularly since Hilde and Hans are painted as so unlikable (and truly deserving of each other) that I kept rolling my eyes at Paul and Günther for pining for them in the first place. Still, it all rings true: the world is full of poor souls yearning for mean chicks and jerks, or, as Günther puts it in the most memorable line of the film: “Unfortunately, it’s all very simple: there are only two kinds of people. Those who love. And those who are loved.”

Is it a slashy movie?

Before I say yes: “Love in Thoughts” is based on a novel written more than seventy years after the events of 1927. I am familiar only with this dramatic incarnation. So when I say Paul and Günther should have simply hooked up, I mean Daniel Brühl’s Paul and August Diehl’s Günther, as opposed to the real people. Same goes for Anna Maria Mühe’s Hilde and Thure Lindhardt’s Hans.

Speaking of Hans: He and Günther share a very hot kiss in the cottage’s wine cellar on the night of the garden party. But much like in slash fanfiction, the ramifications of being a guy who likes guys (as well or exclusively) are never discussed. And though the Weimar Republic, particularly Berlin, was pretty liberal for all I know, it did strike me as strange that not a single kid at the party was uncomfortable with Günther (and Hilde, at times simultaneously) being all over Hans - seems like none of them had strict Protestant parents who’d grown up during the time of the German Empire. Of course, this (and the fact that there aren’t any grown-ups in sight at the summer cottage) leaves the door wide open for a slasher: There’s a universe with its own laws and pretty boys running around in tight dress pants and fluttering shirts (and at times, without). At one point Hilde casually asks her brother if he loves Paul (”No, he’s a friend from school.”) and at another remarks to Paul how Günther thinks Paul’s a genius and talks only of him. Later, Günther suggests to Paul that as a virgin, he’s not attractive to Hilde - this is followed by a shot of them running through the woods; after a cut to another scene, we find them sitting against a tree trunk, staring off into the distance, their shirts open. And Paul, completely at ease with Günther’s sexuality, wants to know, “Are you in love with Hans?” To which Günther replies, “I don’t know. Things like that don’t last.” If this were to inspire in you the idea that Günther and Paul have fooled around a little, that Günther really likes Paul but chooses to cultivate what he felt for his ex-lover because Paul seems to be madly in love with Hilde - then this isn’t opposed by anything in the script (the movie doesn’t have a lot of dialogue anyway). The entire time, the movie leaves their relationship wide open to interpretation - even when Paul punches Hans the morning after the party, his impulse seems to be related to Günther’s hurt (there’s a tear running down his face) rather than the revelation that Hans is in fact with Hilde.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

No. But, as my best friend put it: “Clearly, Paul started attacking Hans because after seeing how heartbroken Günther was, Paul not only had to acknowledge that he wasn’t getting Hilde because she was shacking up with Hans, but also how he wasn’t ever getting Günther either, because there’s no room in Günther’s heart for Paul because he’s into Hans the jerk as well.” To which I replied: “And Paul only zeroed in on Hilde to begin with because she’s the closest thing to Günther and he believed he’d never have him anyway.” Since this epitome of fangirl logic isn’t contradicted by anything in the movie (and obviously supported by the creators of the American DVD cover), there totally should be fanfic. Preferably an alternate ending that proceeds to chronicle the escapades of a young poet and his sexy boyfriend in Berlin’s Golden Twenties. Guh.

I was so happy when “Brokeback to the Future” hit the internet, because finally the entire world was slashing the lovely Michael J. Fox. Of course it wasn’t meant to be serious, and even I find the idea of Marty with Doc Brown rather scary, but being part of the ultimate rare fandom - “Anything with Michael J. Fox…what about Alex P. Keaton and the friend he lost in the famous “A, My Name is Alex” episodes of “Family Ties”…heck, what about that Pepsi commercial where Michael built his robot-twin?!” - I was prepared to take what I could get. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem like the following buddy/action comedy starring Michael J. Fox and James Woods will register the former on the fangirls’ slashdar.

What’s the movie about?

Nick Lang (Michael J. Fox), star of the Indiana Jones-ish “Smoking Gunn” movies, has his heart set on playing a cop in a nitty-gritty crime drama. But the producers want that guy whose movies I boycott Mel Gibson for the part. Nick, in true method acting fashion, decides to research the role by patrolling New York’s streets with real cop John Moss (James Woods) and then wow the producers with his authentic performance. Needless to say, Lieutenant Moss is less than thrilled: He was not only trying to spend time with single-mom Susan (Annabella Sciorra) but was also tracking down a serial killer until he got pulled off the case to mentor the Hollywood star (posing for the rest of the world as officer Ray Casanov). Naturally, he proceeds to hunt down the serial killer in spite of his new partner who keeps getting them into trouble. Car chases, gunplay, and occasionally funny dialogue ensue.

Is it a good movie?

It’s entirely forgettable but fun while it lasts. You never really grow to care for any of the characters (though, if there’s anything I learned from trying to watch “Grey’s Anatomy”, it’s that you can dislike an entire cast of characters, so it could have been worse), but after two dull scenes demonstrating non-defensive driving in the first ten minutes, the movie provides you with small amounts of hilarity. Most of it stems from the script poking fun at Hollywood and the craft of acting, like Nick - dressed in a bathrobe and surrounded by appropriately aged bunnies girls in bikinis lounging about his mansion - declaring to his agent that he wants to do “…something with a little relevance…something that doesn’t have a goddamn Roman numeral in the title! You ever heard of Hamlet III?” before throwing a fit, as well as his People’s Choice Award. The fake trailer for “Smoking Gunn II” (with the utterly miscast protagonist) is pretty hilarious, as well as the actor’s complete lack of reality: be it calling his agent via cell phone to proudly declare, “I’m in a ghetto!” (before having the phone stolen), almost peeing himself with excitement at being inside a police department (”The look, the textures…it’s like a movie, it’s so real!”), or - after learning that John’s father used to play the piano - debating the authenticity of the cop’s life: “It’s a great notion, but nobody would believe it.” John, for his part, is constantly infuriated by Nick popping up all over the place (in a trailer, in a TV interview, in person, as an oversized paper-mâché figure). These amusing moments are unfortunately fused with an unoriginal plot and supposedly funny gunfights.

Is it a slashy movie?

Only if your brain operates several orbits out of reality. Even though John’s captain says something about “breaking in a new partner”, and John confronts Nick with little John in the bathroom to stop the actor from talking (no, not the way you think), and another time handcuffs him to the bed during the night (Nick’s staying at John’s apartment for the full experience), it’s too much of a buddy flick for me to feel the love. It is established at one point that Nick might be bisexual (played for laughs, still, his character has no female love-interest and truly seems to be getting his rocks off being a cop groupie) and he invites himself along on John’s date, stating, “It’d be a real education to see what you’re like with a woman…I don’t suppose you wanna make it a threesome?” before pretending to be Susan and encouraging John to share his feelings with him/her in a scene that is entirely cringeworthy. He also clings to John during their goodbye at the airport. But although John gets to observe that fighting with Nick is like talking to his ex-wife and they have a “Star Wars Episode I” moment (with Nick as Qui-Gon, except he doesn’t die) offering questionable dialogue (John: “Why did you do it?” Nick: “I had to get the part.” Me: “Uh-huh.”), it’s obvious that Nick won’t find romance with this straight buddy partner.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

No. And for it to pop up is about as likely as the characters involved in car chases growing to share my fear of sneezing while driving and potentially killing someone as a consequence.

On Valentine’s Day 2002, the Olympic gold in men’s figure skating went to gorgeous hunk Russian Alexei Yagudin after he’d presented a flawless long program set to the soundtrack of “The Man in the Iron Mask”. The movie itself isn’t quite as spellbinding as Yagudin’s performance, but mentioning its title, men’s figure skating, and Valentine’s Day in the same sentence is my way of foreshadowing that it’s very slashy. It doesn’t have a fandom for some reason; I can only guess that the slash was being upstaged by Leonardo DiCaprio’s badly-glued-on hair extensions.

What’s the movie about?

Paris, 1662: Young, spoiled, and despotic King Louis XIV (Leonardo DiCaprio, back when he had still had a figure to match those of the models he keeps dating) is waging expensive wars and throwing decadent parties while his people starve. When the beautiful Christine (Judith Godrèche) catches his eye, he sends her fiancé Raoul (Peter Sarsgaard) to the front lines to die before taking Christine as his mistress. Raoul’s father, former musketeer Athos (John Malkovich) seeks revenge for his son’s death and joins forces with old comrades Porthos (Gérard Depardieu) and Aramis (Jeremy Irons). Convinced that King Louis’s tyranny must be stopped, they conspire to replace him with a prisoner from the Bastille, whose face has been locked away behind an iron mask: the king’s twin brother, Philippe (Leonardo DiCaprio, back when he wasn’t offending everybody who likes “Titanic” by constantly complaining about people who still mention the performance that made him a superstar). Opposing the three friends is their one-time companion D’Artagnan (Gabriel Byrne), who, as Head of the Musketeers, has sworn an oath of allegiance to Louis and is pursuing his own secret agenda.

There’s also a cameo by Hugh Laurie.

Is it a good movie?

If you don’t expect it to be historically accurate (or have a lot in common with Alexandre Dumas’s novels), “The Man in the Iron Mask” is a fun romp of a movie. It’s well-written enough to be entertaining even to an intelligent person and features impressive and delightful acting: never once do you mistake vain and cruel Louis for pure and kind Philippe and the actors playing the musketeers obviously had loads of fun (Porthos lamenting his age and any kind of bickering involving Aramis is hilarious). There’s gorgeous, sunlit old architecture and a sweeping (if not exactly subtle) soundtrack. The script ties all themes and plot-points together neatly in the end and amazingly, nobody made all the British and American actors involved speak with a French accent - as an accent implies one is a foreigner trying but failing to correctly pronounce a language not one’s own, therefore an American actor speaking English with a French accent suggests his character is a Frenchman, trying to speak English. Which, for French people talking to other French people in Paris would have made no sense (strangely enough, that obvious fact doesn’t seem to be known to a whole lot of people in the American film industry, though I do wonder how many of them have ever seen “Romeo and Juliet” done in Italian accents).

Is it a slashy movie?

The slash possibilities are endless. For one thing, the four former musketeers have a “glorious past” together, which is referred to constantly. Also, at some point during it, Porthos obtained the knowledge that Aramis is “hung like a donkey”. Louis is not only a pampered tyrant but a flirt (and owns quarters you can get to through a secret passageway); before he spots Christine at his garden party (Louis: “Who’s that?” Guy from the royal entourage: “Raoul, the son of Athos.” Louis: “While your taste may run to young soldiers, I was referring to the beauty next to him.”) you would have thought he got all dressed up to impress Aramis, the way he proudly tells him of his evil scheme to have someone killed. He’s being a flirt with D’Artagnan at the party too, and as a pervy fanfic author, you can just imagine that one day Louis got bored with women, wanted to try out a guy, and ordered D’Artagnan to do the job (and he may have been decisively refused, which would perfectly complement him going after Christine, even though D’Artagnan asks him not to). Finally, Louis is such a narcissist that meeting his twin has to be either a complete turn-off…or turn-on. For the sheer sake of Leonardo on Leonardo, I can imagine all sorts of possibilities there - like a reconciliation after Philippe has taken Louis’s place, and the latter has become a better person after a few years in the Bastille…and yes, I get that that’s incest, even twincest, but if you read wincest, you’ll know that with Louis and Philippe, the Westermark Effect never had a chance to take place (you can’t be part of the “Supernatural” fandom without researching this sort of thing at some point).

Philippe, for his part, bonds with Athos (eventually, Porthos and Aramis leave them alone at a remote country estate), but it must be difficult for the latter to look at Philippe and constantly see the face of the person responsible for Raoul’s death looking back at him…which is why I don’t buy into the notion that Philippe becomes a surrogate son. Keeping that in mind, you can’t help but get other ideas while watching Athos teach Philippe how to dance, as well as during all the other tender scenes they share.

And finally, there’s that dashing lieutenant under D’Artagnan’s command, who not only has great hair, but, as is revealed later, an utter mancrush on his superior.

Is there any fanfiction for this movie?

The legendary Mona Ramsey has written three Athos/Philippe fanfics. They’re said to still be online at cotillion.slashcity.org; unfortunately, it appears impossible to get past the archive’s main page. A list of fanfic based on any incarnation of Dumas’s original characters can be found at andoneforall, but it’s too short to do the slashability justice. I mean, is it just me, or does “One for all, and all for one” kinda remind you of an orgy?