FADE IN:

INT. POLICE SERGEANT’S OFFICE – DAY

The SERGEANT (40s, clean-cut) sits at a cheap desk in a small, plain room.

Across from him sits HARRIS (20s, loud, looks like trouble).

Both wear cop uniforms.

Harris pulls out his badge.

HARRIS

Go ahead. Say it.

SERGEANT

Lieutenant Harris, I hereby order you to hand in your badge!

Harris tosses the badge on the desk.

HARRIS

Yeah. ‘cos I’m too close to the case. ‘cos I’ve been doing the job my own way. ‘cos I’ve been pissing off the mayor. Well let me tell you --

SERGEANT

No, Harris. I’m suspending you for being a prick.

HARRIS

What? Is McCrappy telling tales about --

SERGEANT

See, why do you call him “McCrappy”?

HARRIS

He loves that nickname!

SERGEANT

He hates it! Now everyone calls him that!

HARRIS

So?

SERGEANT

Son, where are your manners?

HARRIS

(shouting)

I’ll tell you what I think of ‘manners’ --

SERGEANT

I’m sitting right here. You don’t have to yell at me. Why do you always shout?

HARRIS

I’m just loud!

SERGEANT

The entire squad doesn’t have to hear every conversation you have.

HARRIS

So what?

SERGEANT

I just don’t need to hear you call in your suppository order at the pharmacy while I’m eating -- that’s on the days when I still have food.

HARRIS

What’s that supposed to mean?

SERGEANT

You’ve been stealing somebody’s lunch from the fridge almost every day, Harris.

HARRIS

Yeah, well, it takes a lot of fuel to run this engine.

Harris pulls out a stick of gum and begins chewing it loudly.

SERGEANT

Oh, god, not that chewing-with-your-mouth-open thing.

Harris spits it in his hand and attaches it to the underside of the desk.

SERGEANT

Are you in grade school, Harris? Just get out of here.

HARRIS

Fine. I’ll work the case myself. After all, I closed the Park Street murders solo.

SERGEANT

And maybe if you’d spend a little less time bragging and a little more time giving other people credit, you wouldn’t be such a drag on morale.

HARRIS

Fine.

Harris gets up, knocking his chair over.

SERGEANT

Harris? Come on.

HARRIS

No, I’ll go. But don’t think kicking me off the squad will kick me off of justice.

He storms out of the room, leaving the door open.

SERGEANT

Close the door behind you. Were you raised in a barn?

MCCRACKEN (30s) -- another hotheaded, renegade cop -- pokes his head in.

MCCRACKEN

You wanted to see me, Sarge?

SERGEANT

McCracken. Harris is suspended. You’ve got the DiMarco homicide.

MCCRACKEN

I don’t know, Sergeant. I’m a rebel who doesn’t play by the rules. I cut corners to get the job done, and I don’t care who I rub the wrong way.

SERGEANT

Well, you’re not going to steal sandwiches, are you?

MCCRACKEN

No, that’s a dick move, why would I -- wait, was that Harris? Was Harris stealing my chicken-salad lunch croissants?

SERGEANT

That’s not important --

As he exits:

MCCRACKEN

I am gonna kick his --

SERGEANT

McCracken!

McCracken steps back in.

MCCRACKEN

I know, ‘Close the door,’ I got it.

McCracken exits, closing the door behind him.

The sergeant looks at the badge.

Sniffs it.

Tries taking a bite out of it.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. STUDIO EXEC OFFICE – DAY

CANDACE (20s) and SAM (20s) sit across from an EXECUTIVE (50s, balding, ponytail) in an expensive-looking office with sci-fi movie posters on the walls.

CANDACE

And the movie we’re pitching you is called...

SAM

... The Lost Cowpoke!

CANDACE

Here’s the story --

Just as Sam picks up a printout and starts reading from it, the executive speaks up.

EXECUTIVE

Stop. Just stop. A Western? Really?

SAM

“The year is 1875 --”

EXECUTIVE

Westerns are out. Sci-fi is in.

CANDACE

Um -- exactly!

SAM

(sotto voce)

What?

CANDACE

(sotto voce)

Just read.

SAM

“The year is 1875 --”

CANDACE

... of the Galactic Empire!

Candace is clearly making all of this up.

SAM

... and sheriff Jenkins --

CANDACE

The sole legal enforcer of a mining colony on the sixth moon of Krelkon!

SAM

Is fighting off some bandits --

CANDACE

An invading force of sentient alien mindworms!

SAM

He chases them out of town --

CANDACE

And they flee through hyperspace!

SAM

But they abduct his wife --

CANDACE

In a statis pod, to take her back to their home planet!

SAM

So he rounds up his deputy --

CANDACE

The dreaded KillBot 3000!

SAM

They get on their horses --

CANDACE

That’s H-O-R-apostrophe-capital-S-E-S, a breed of sentient spaceships.

SAM

And even though they’re almost killed by Indians --

CANDACE

By a warrior race of sentient, genetically-modified spacefaring buffalo!

SAM

They, uh, get her back.

CANDACE

By peeling her out of the gooey stasis pod and ray-gun blasting their way out of the mindworm planet’s central command!

The executive pulls out a cell phone, presses a few buttons, sets it on the table. After a moment, the BIG BOSS answers.

BIG BOSS (V.O.)

What is it?

EXECUTIVE

Boss, I’ve got a promising sci-fi property for you --

BIG BOSS (V.O.)

Dammit, sci-fi is out. It’s crested. Romantic comedies are in.

CANDACE

Uh -- did I mention the Killbot 3000 is sassy and gay?

BIG BOSS (V.O.)

Hmm. Let’s talk.

The executive picks up the phone and talks with his boss. Meanwhile --

CANDACE

(sotto voce)

You think this is how Firefly got made?

Sam shrugs.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM – DAY

ERIC walks up to a counter where a SECRETARY works.

ERIC

Hi, I’m Eric, I have a ten’o'clock appointment --

SECRETARY

The surgery.

ERIC

Yeah.

The secretary hands over a paper and a pen.

ERIC

What’s this?

SECRETARY

It just’s a form to verify you have requested this treatment.

As Eric signs, the secretary hands over another one.

He reads it.

ERIC

“I will not pick at any sutures, or pour acid on any --”

SECRETARY

It happens. Just sign to say that you won’t do anything like that.

Eric signs, the secretary hands over another one.

Eric gives it a look.

ERIC

What the hell?

SECRETARY

It’s all perfectly standard, Eric.

ERIC

“I understand that evil spirits cannot enter my body through surgical incisions, and possess me to --” I don’t believe in voodoo!

The secretary hands over another form.

SECRETARY

Then you shouldn’t have a problem with signing.

Eric holds up the latest form.

ERIC

This one just says, “No takebacks.” What does that even mean?

The secretary hands over one more form.

Eric reads it in disbelief.

ERIC

I refuse to acknowledge Doctor Stanton as a “noble demigod.”

DOCTOR STANTON enters.

DOCTOR STANTON

How we doin’? All through the paperwork?

ERIC

Well, no, actually, I --

DOCTOR STANTON

Good, good. We can get going then!

SECRETARY

Doctor?

DOCTOR STANTON

Yes?

The secretary pulls out a massive sheaf of forms.

SECRETARY

You have some forms for the insurance company.

The doctor GROANS, looks at the first one.

As he signs it --

DOCTOR STANTON

Of course I’m not epileptic, drunk, stoned, or clinically-dead.

SECRETARY

And the next one.

Eric takes a seat. This could take a while.

DOCTOR STANTON

“If patient dies, I promise not to use voodoo to raise him from the dead.” Really?

SECRETARY

It’s the rules, doctor.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

MONTAGE

A quick montage of old photographs of an office park, with star wipes from one photo to the next, and the superimposed title “Circle Ten Office Plaza Training Film.”

A) An exterior shot of an office building.

B) Close-up of a sign that reads “Circle Ten Office Plaza”.

C) Interior shot of a large lobby.

D) An EMPLOYEE stands at a counter beneath a “Lost & Found” sign. The lost & found center is a small room connected to the lobby by a door-sized counter.

Cheesy MUZAK plays over this montage.

We hear the NARRATOR over this sequence:

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Welcome to your new career at the lost-and-found booth at the Circle Ten Office Plaza! Pay close attention to this video, and you’ll learn how to do a circle-ten-tastic job!

INT. LOST AND FOUND DESK – DAY

BRYAN sits at the counter beneath the “Lost & Found” sign.

FREEZE FRAME on this.

TITLE appears: “The Four C’s of the Lost and Found”

NARRATOR (V.O.)

The four C’s of the lost and found!

The MUZAK keeps playing throughout the video -- the only audio on the training film is the muzak and the narrator.

MONTAGE

Various footage of circle-ten employees, with the title “1. Courtesy”.

A) A friendly VALET takes the keys to a BUSINESSMAN’s car.

B) A friendly JANITOR waits for a SECRETARY to walk by before buffing the floor.

C) A friendly GROUNDSKEEPER saves a kitten stuck in a tree.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

At the circle ten office park, your first responsibility is always courtesy.

INT. LOST AND FOUND DESK – DAY

Bryan sits at the counter.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

So remember: show them that circle-ten smile! Let the office-ten family know that they matter to you.

MICHAEL walks up to the counter.

Bryan smiles at Michael.

Michael smiles back.

Bryan’s smile fades into a creepy, steely gaze.

Michael, a bit disturbed, walks away.

INT. LOST AND FOUND DESK – DAY

Bryan sits at the counter, holding a wallet behind his back.

Michael stands at the counter.

The two converse. Apparently Bryan is asking questions and Michael is describing the wallet, though we can’t hear the audio.

Over this, a TITLE reads “2. Confirmation”.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Picking up items is simple. Just ask the patron to describe the lost item, so as to confirm the item is actually theirs. At circle ten, we don’t want someone accidentally claiming the wrong thing!

Meanwhile, the conversation between Bryan and Michael grows heated, until Bryan grabs Michael, pulls out a switchblade, and holds it to Michael’s throat.

INT. MAIN LOBBY – DAY

A purse sits abandoned on the floor of the main lobby.

TITLE: “3. Collection.’

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Gather up lost items in the immediate lobby area.

Michael walks by, notices the purse, stops.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Much as we love everyone in our circle-ten family --

Michael picks up the purse and walks towards the lost & found counter.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

-- someone might see fit to keep a lost item for themselves.

Bryan LEAPS IN from out of frame, and SIDE-TACKLES Michael.

They fall out of frame.

Bryan gets up, shouts at Michael for a bit (again, we don’t hear the audio), picks up the purse, and goes back to his counter.

INT. BEHIND THE LOST AND FOUND DESK – DAY

Inside the lost-and-found “room”, Bryan bows to an elaborate shrine, complete with candles and flowers, to a GIANT PILE of lost items.

TITLE: “4. Collation”

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Finally, be sure to keep the lost items effectively sorted.

INT. LOST AND FOUND DESK – CONTINUOUS

Michael approaches the desk, which has a “Closed: back in five minutes!” sign posted.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

This way, you can find items quickly and effectively for our circle-ten patrons.

Michael knocks on the desk.

Bryan gets up, alarmed.

Bryan shouts at Michael (no audio), and points out the sign.

Michael makes apologetic gestures.

Bryan decks him.

MONTAGE

The same montage from the beginning.

A) An exterior shot of an office building.

NARRATOR (V.O.)

Now you know the basics of --

CUT TO STATIC

INT. OFFICE – DAY

A NEW HIRE watches the static on a TV screen.

SUPERVISOR (O.S.)

And that’s the basics of your new job, kid. Got it?

NEW HIRE

Yeah -- just don’t act like that crazy guy, right?

In the background, Bryan creeps in.

NEW HIRE

Right?

Bryan approaches.

NEW HIRE

He’s right behind me, isn’t he?

Bryan flicks open his switchblade.

BRYAN

Let’s pour this gravy.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

INT. OFFICE – DAY

An EDITOR (50s) -- suspenders, cigar, sun-visor hat -- sits at his desk.

A REPORTER (30) sits opposite him.

A sign with a large “AMERICA DAILY” logo the wall beside the door.

EDITOR

You want a health-care article? On page one? Of my newspaper?

REPORTER

The CBO put out another report, and --

The editor produces a sheaf of paper and dumps it on the desk.

EDITOR

And you summarized in three thousand goddamn words!

REPORTER

It’s complicated.

EDITOR

Where’s the human interest?

REPORTER

It’s explaining about how a single-payer system --

EDITOR

Who the hell knows what “single-payer” means?

REPORTER

The definition is really simple --

EDITOR

We’re not including another page-one ‘glossary insert’. Not on my watch, kid.

REPORTER

This is the biggest news story going, and we have to get it across to people!

The editor tosses the sheaf of papers at the reporter.

EDITOR

Three hundred words, at an eighth-grade reading level, or never darken my door again!

REPORTER #2 (30) opens the door and he peeks inside.

REPORTER #2

Boss, check this out!

He holds up an infographic: a bar chart with a different smiling puppy face at the top of each bar.

The edtior eyes it. Creepy smile.

EDITOR

An infographic!

REPORTER #2

It’s a poll showing eight different breeds of puppies! and what percent of America thinks they’re cute!

EDITOR

That’s filling the spot on page one.

REPORTER

But sir --

EDITOR

Out! Both of you! Get out!

The reporters start to exit.

EDITOR

You! Leave the puppy chart.

He does so.

They exit.

The editor picks up the chart.

EDITOR

(to the chart)

Oh, yes, come here, you saucy little minx...

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: 

INT. OFFICE – DAY

MARK (30s, executive) sits at his desk in an expensive- and hip-looking office. A battered old lamp sits on the desk. A trash bin sits beside the desk. A blank whiteboard stands nearby.

Opposite him stands THE GENIE -- standard-issue magical djinn from Arabian folklore.

THE GENIE

-- three wishes, for whatever you desire, as your reward for freeing me from this lamp!

MARK

Anything?

THE GENIE

Anything you desire! Riches! Concubines! Palaces!

MARK

Let’s go for a palace.

THE GENIE

Very well. I shall but blink my eyes, and --

MARK

But not just any palace.

THE GENIE

What?

MARK

I like the palaces out there, but this one has to be different.

THE GENIE

Different how?

MARK

Basically, it has to align to my personal vision statement.

The genie sighs.

TITLE: TWO HOURS LATER

INT. OFFICE – DAY

Same as before, except the genie now sits in the chair, and the whiteboard has a number of scribbles on it -- sketches of palaces and notes such as “Like the Taj Mahal, but different.”

MARK

Also, I need it to float in the air, but not in a levitating sort of way.

THE GENIE

But -- how --

MARK

It needs to just float. But with weight.

The genie twitches.

TITLE: 1 HOUR LATER

INT. OFFICE – DAY

As before, except the genie is disheveled and frustrated. Notations cover the whiteboard, mostly in an erratic scrawl with lots of exclamation points.

THE GENIE

What does it even mean to ‘make it more fruity?!’

MARK

Basically, it has to have no right angles, and it has to fit on a one-acre lot.

THE GENIE

Why didn’t you mention any of this at the start?

MARK

Also, it has to turn into a car.

The genie takes a deep breath.

THE GENIE

Okay, forget it.

MARK

But what about the --

The genie dissolves into mist, and the mist starts to flow back into the lamp.

THE GENIE

Forget it! I’ll stay in the lamp!

The last of the mist disappears into the lamp.

Mark tries rubbing it. Nothing happens.

MARK

Hmm.

SAM (20s) enters.

SAM

Hi, I’m here about the web-design job?

MARK

Right, have a seat.

SAM

Pretty standard web storefront, right?

MARK

Yeah, I like the web stores out there, but this one has to be different.

The lamp wobbles back and forth, on its own, until it falls into the trash bin.

MARK

Hmm.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. TV STUDIO – DAY

THEME MUSIC PLAYS and a “Showbiz News!” logo briefly appears over a slick TV studio.

LOGAN (30, ‘talking hairdo’) sits opposite JOE (40s, average-looking, haunted).

LOGAN

Welcome back to Showbiz News! With me now, Joe Targonski, creator and executive producer of That Nutty Moose, which just finished a ten-year network run!

JOE

Glad to be here.

LOGAN

Joe, how did you keep coming up with the comedy?

JOE

We kind of repeated ourselves. We’ve done a dozen episodes where Max and Larissa have a fight, and then Moosey gets them back together. Eventually you just go with what works. Over and over and over again.

LOGAN

And hey -- the people love it!

JOE

Y’know, the only people who talk to me about That Nutty Moose tell me it embodies everything awful about TV.

LOGAN

No, we love Moosey! How’d you come up with that ‘talking moose’ idea, anyhow?

JOE

Not my idea. The network added the talking moose early in the first season.

LOGAN

Wow. What would That Nutty Moose be without Moosey?

JOE

It would be an tender, affectionate look back at the Minnesota town I grew up in.

LOGAN

Phaugh! And then, of course: upgrade! Moosey became a CGI talking moose!

Joe shudders.

LOGAN

Which opened the door to dance numbers! I just love it when Moosey raps. It’s so fresh!

Joe pulls out a flask and takes a drink.

LOGAN

I gotta ask this: how about that “Who shot Moosey?” storyline?

JOE

Yeah. That. The network made us say, “It was all a dream!”

LOGAN

Such a twist! And then season 2, when the whole cast tried to force Moosey into a wood chipper!

JOE

We got some network pushback on our original ending to that.

LOGAN

It’s like you’ve tried to kill Moosey, over and over again, violently, but the network won’t allow it!

JOE

Oh, that’s ridiculous, Logan.

Swig.

LOGAN

Just joshin’ you, there! But, seriously: a ten-year run. That Nutty Moose has practically been your whole life, for a decade!

JOE

I even have dreams about it.

LOGAN

Wow.

JOE

Boring, clichéd dreams.

LOGAN

Will you maybe do a spinoff?

JOE

NO!

An INTERN hands Logan a sheet of paper.

Logan reads it.

JOE

I mean, I think we’ve finished the story of Moose Hollow.

LOGAN

Hey, hold the phone! Looks like the network has opened up five hours of prime-time real estate! Maybe your show will go another season?

Joe lays his head on the desk and stares into the distance.

LOGAN

Hey, Joe, before we go to commercial, you wanna sing the theme song with me?

JOE

I want to die!

The “Showbiz News!” logo reappears.

A bit of the THEME SONG TO THAT NUTTY MOOSE PLAYS:

SINGERS (O.S.)

He’s wacky and Canadian! / He’s that nutty moose!

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT. UPSCALE RESTAURANT – NIGHT

CHAUNCY (20s, nerdy, monotone) welcomes HIS DATE (20s, elegant, very attractive) to his table.

CHAUNCY

Wow. I think you’re really great.

HIS DATE

Awww!

CHAUNCY

And I’d like to tell you a little about my life --

HIS DATE

Okay.

CHAUNCY

-- and some of my theories.

His date’s a little creeped-out.

HIS DATE

Hmm.

INT. LUGGAGE STORE – DAY

Chauncy stands next to a display of luggage, beneath a large “The Luggage Store” logo.

He talks to a STORE EMPLOYEE.

CHAUNCY

In fact, putting luggage is like creating form for your whole life.

STORE EMPLOYEE

Yes, well --

CHAUNCY

And it, like, applies to the whole world --

STORE EMPLOYEE

Did you want to buy something?

CHAUNCY

The world, in all its mellifluous forms.

The employee looks puzzled.

INT./EXT. TAXI/TAXI STAND – DAY

At a taxi-pickup curb, Chauncy leans over the window of a taxicab. He has several bags from the store with him.

CHAUNCY

My whole life, taxis have been a big inspiration to me, and helped me get through unemployment, foot rashes, bad experiences in cyber rooms --

The taxi takes off.

CHAUNCY

Thanks for your time!

INT. AIRPORT GATE DESK – DAY

Chauncy talks to the GATE AGENT.

A long line of IMPATIENT CUSTOMERS wait behind Chauncy.

CHAUNCY

But nobody really gets your work as a gate agent the way that I do.

GATE AGENT

Sir, did you actually have a question?

CHAUNCY

Yeah, I’m getting to it. Now, my theory about air travel is that the air routes are like arteries, right?

INT. HOTEL FRONT DESK – DAY

Chauncy talks to the RECEPTIONIST at a hotel front desk.

A sign on the wall reads “Welcome Convention Guests!”

Again, several IMPATIENT CUSTOMERS wait behind Chauncy.

CHAUNCY

So my theory is that hotels, like, represent real life. Wouldn’t you say that’s true?

The receptionist looks back, puzzled.

INT. CONVENTION HALL – DAY

CLOSE ON a poster for the San Diego Comic Con.

CHAUNCY (V.O.)

(whispered)

I have a theory about fan conventions.

Chauncy sits among a few other FANS, whispering to the fan next to him.

A PAGE stands nearby.

In the background, we hear THE SPEAKER.

THE SPEAKER (O.S.)

And that’s why I haven’t worked with Vertigo since then. No bad blood, just I just found a better match with other companies. I think we have time for one more question.

The page looks around at Chauncy and the fans.

All this time, Chauncy is still whispering.

CHAUNCY

(whispered)

They are an Internet for ideas about --

The page points at Chauncy and interrupts --

PAGE

You!

The page gestures at an offscreen microphone.

PAGE

Go and ask your question.

Chauncy walks offscreen to the mic, overjoyed, while the other fans sulk.

CHAUNCY (O.S.)

Wow. I think you’re really great.

THE SPEAKER

Thanks.

CHAUNCY (O.S.)

And I’d like to tell you a little about my life --

THE SPEAKER

Um....

CHAUNCY (V.O.)

-- and some of my theories.

A SLOW FADE starts.

Superimpose TEXT: “Please, don’t be this guy. San Diego Comic Con 2010″

CHAUNCY (V.O.)

You see, nobody really gets your comics like I do, because of my life experiences --

THE SPEAKER

Wait, do you actually have a question?

CHAUNCY (V.O.)

Yeah, I’m getting to it.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN: 

A GRAPHIC

It shows a “Defensive Driving” logo.

The title “Part 5: Snow and Ice” appears superimposed on it.

CHEERY PRODUCTION MUSIC plays.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Next on our defensive-driving DVD: how to drive in snow and ice!

MUSIC FADES OUT.

EXT. SNOWY ROADSIDE – DAY

The ANNOUNCER stands by the side of the road in the snow.

ANNOUNCER

This is special Texas-specific material!

A “Texas-specific!” logo appears briefly onscreen.

ANNOUNCER

Some people say Texans don’t know how to drive in snow, since it smows so rarely here, but in fact, we just have some simple Texas-specific safety rules.

STOCK FOOTAGE

Cars drive through the snow.

Text appears over it: “Rule #1: Go fast.”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Rule number one is to always go fast. At least seventy miles an hour.

A GRAPHIC

This shows a schematic of a car, the road surface, and snowflakes passing under the car.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

That way, your tires hit fewer snowflakes, which is naturally safer.

STOCK FOOTAGE

A car skids on a snowy test track.

Text appears over it: “Rule #2: Sometimes, go even faster.”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

What do you do if you start losing control in snowy conditions? Rule number two says, “Go even faster.”

INT./EXT. CAR ON A SNOWY ROAD – DAY

The car skids a bit, spooking the DRIVER.

Then the driver snarls and slams on the gas.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Remember: your gas pedal is how you show Mother Nature who’s boss.

A GRAPHIC

It shows the defensive-driving logo, and the words “Snow myths.”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Rule number three: don’t believe the myths about snow and ice.

A GRAPHIC

This one shows a stylized image of an icy surface, and then a magnified section of the surface, which looks bumpy.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Some people say ice is even more dangerous than snow, but ice is actually safer, because the tires can grip its bumpy surface!

STOCK FOOTAGE

A heavy snowstorm.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Other people say snow impedes visibility, but snow is made of ice, which is see-through. Even if it looks like whiteout conditions, you know what’s out there. Power forward!

EXT. SNOWY ROADSIDE – DAY

Back to the announcer, standing by the side of the road in the snow.

ANNOUNCER

The third myth is that if it’s snowing outside, you should just stay home. Hey, sometimes a scaredy newscaster will beg you not to go driving out in an ice storm. What does he know?

A GRAPHIC

Shows the usual logo, and the words “1. Snow is pretty.”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

After all, snow is pretty, and it makes driving an adventure!

The words “2. You need supplies.” appear.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Also, you’ll need to rush to the store to buy out their supplies of bread and milk. Remember: it’s snowing! and in the post-apocalyptic world of snow and ice, perishable food items are like money.

EXT. SNOWY ROADSIDE – DAY

Back to the announcer by the road.

ANNOUNCER

From this chapter, we want you to remember two key points.

A GRAPHIC

This shows the usual logo, with the heading “Part 5: Key Points”.

The words “1. Snow problem? No problem!” appear.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

First: always go driving in the snow. It’s fun!

The words “2. ‘Too fast’ is not fast enough!” appear.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Second: the faster you dash through the snow, the safer you are!

EXT. SNOWY ROADSIDE – DAY

Back to the announcer by the road.

ANNOUNCER

And if you have to buy into the ’snow myths’ and you’re worried about collisions, the solution is simple: buy a bigger truck!

A GRAPHIC

The logo, plus the words “Parts 4 and 5: Quiz!”

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

This concludes part five of our defensive driving DVD course. Please log into our web site and take the ten-minute quiz about snow safety and gun-rack maintenance.

FADE OUT.