Situation Universe

Thank You

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 14:16:00 +0000

Sorry to say, this will be my last entry on the Situation Universe Website. I've decided to concentrate solely on my scriptwriting and filmmaking.

I've had fun slagging off shit movies and telling you about the great ones, but running a website can consume a lot of time.

If you want to watch any of my films, go to youtube

Thanks again for reading.

Sherlock Holmes

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sun, 24 May 2009 20:27:00 +0000

Terminator Salvation: 4 Minute Clip

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Tue, 19 May 2009 20:57:00 +0000

The Warriors

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Tue, 19 May 2009 20:25:00 +0000

The Warriors

There are films that you remember from your youth which, when watched again as an adult, only serve to disappoint. The haircuts and the clothes are decades out of fashion and provoke a snort of laughter which destroys your suspended disbelief. The quality of the film is so poor next to your fancy Blu-Rays that your High definition television cracks when you press play. But, there are also films that have grown up with you.

Films that you can't help revisiting every couple of years because you loved them so much. Because of that, the ever-degrading quality is more subtle and forgivable. That's when you realise; It's not the film that's changed, it's you.

I remember the first time I discovered The Warriors. My uncle was friends with a local video shop owner and would often get old ex-rental videos for free. The tape on top of his latest stack of Betamax videos had a drawing of a crowd of people all facing front; some were wearing baseball outfits with painted faces, others had dungarees and roller skates on. Above them all, written in blood-like graffiti spatter, were the words 'The Warriors'.

The Warriors are a gang of young hoods from Coney Island identifiable by their maroon leather waistcoats. Along with many other colourful and contrasting gangs, they are invited to a meeting where an influential gang-leader called Cyrus tries to convince them to form one large gang (With 20,000 hardcore members). Someone in the crowd shoots Cyrus and in the commotion blames The Warriors.

As the gangs flee the scene, one of the Warriors is beaten to death. Word soon gets out to all the gangs that the Warriors killed Cyrus and they have to fight their way back home to Coney Island. Led by Swan (Michael Beck) they take on gangs such as the Turnbull AC's, the Baseball Furies and the all-female Lizzies.

It doesn't tackle any heavy subjects. It doesn't have any hidden depths. It doesn't even have any decent actors. It's because it lacks any of the pretentions of modern movies that makes it so enjoyable.

The characters are two dimensional. So what? The plot is paper thin. So what? These are all things that adults want to see in a film. When you're a kid, violent thugs do wear make-up and roller skates. The bad guys get what they deserve at the end and your heroes walk off into the sun blazed horizon. The dialogue may be cheesy, but you'll remember it like your own name. "Waw-ree-yurrrs, come out to play-ee-ay."

These are the films that you call your own. As soon as you think they're old and crap, take a look in the mirror and remember... they're younger than you.

Verdict 10/10
A slice of your life.

Watch out for the Tony Scott directed sequel/remake due out in 2010. Info.

Role Models

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sat, 16 May 2009 15:09:00 +0000

Role Models

I know that I ceaselessly complain about the lack of decent comedy these days. How I'm always fondly reminiscing about the olden days when comedy was actually funny. When Leslie Nielsen was a king and Eddie Murphy was a genius. Back when Steve Martin's hair was white. You get the picture.

I'm still quietly hopeful that a film will emerge that will be consistently funny from beginning to end, making me laugh 'til I poop. As they say, opinions are like arseholes... they all stink of shit.

Danny Donohue (Paul Rudd) is disillusioned with life. He hates his job as an energy drink spokesman and wonders where he's headed. His defeatist attitude to life drives away his girlfriend Beth (Elizabeth banks) and ultimately leads to him having a meltdown.

At a school where he's promoting the energy drink with his care-free and care-less friend Wheeler (Seann William Scott), he gets into an argument with a tow-truck driver ending with them crashing into the school statue.

Danny and Wheeler are given the choice of a thirty days prison sentence or 150 hours community service. They opt for the community service as Wheeler protests they'll be raped in prison.

Their community service assignment is a Big-brothers styled program where they each must spend time with a troubled kid. Danny is teamed with Augie (Christopher Mintz Plasse); an oddball teen who likes nothing more than his live-action medieval role-playing games. Wheeler teams up with Ronnie (Bobb'e J. Thompson) a potty mouthed kid who likes boobies.

At first Danny and Wheeler are only interested in running down the hours, but they soon bond with the kids and learn things about themselves in the process. Danny learns to open up and enjoy life, whilst Wheeler realises the importance of forging real and lasting relationships.

Seann William Scott is always a safe pair of hands when it comes to comedy, especially playing a carbon copy of Stifler. Paul Rudd is solid as the straight man to foil Wheeler's antics. But it's neither them nor McLovin' that take centre stage here, the spotlight is squarely on little Ronnie. Bobb'e J. Thompson may be small but he gets the biggest laughs – All the best one liners come from him. Only thirteen years old and he acts everyone off the screen.

There's a healthy amount of laughs to be had here, but they're less than consistent with a few jokeless sections. The whole plot about Danny losing his girlfriend also doesn't feel plausible enough. Danny's miserable to the same degree before and after the split. Hey, at least they didn't end with Danny singing to her in front of hundreds of people. (Oh, wait. They did).

Verdict 7/10
A solid effort, better than most of it's contemporaries.

2012 Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:15:00 +0000

Planet 51 Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Fri, 15 May 2009 12:08:00 +0000

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Thu, 07 May 2009 20:09:00 +0000

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

Sequels are usually shite. Be honest. They’re a piss-diluted shadow of their superior forebear. They take all the best elements of the first film, throw them out and replace them with tripe. Of course, there are exceptions that prove the rule – Godfather II, X-men 2, Aliens and Terminator 2 (that’s them all).

Two of the items on the definitive list above belong to the masterworks of James Cameron – Aliens being a sequel to Ridley Scott’s ‘Alien’ and T2 from his own Terminator movie. When he’s not busy making flawless movies, he’s also breaking new frontiers with CG effects and spearheading the 3D renaissance. The man can do no wrong.

T2 picks up the action 15 years after the first movie. John Connor has since been born and is now a troublesome teenager(Edward Furlong). Sara Connor (Linda Hamilton) has been locked away in a mental asylum for trying to blow up the Cyberdyne factory. Her son, living with foster parents, refuses to believe his mother's stories about his destiny in the forthcoming machine war.

As before, the machines send back a Terminator from the future to stop John from becoming the leader of the human resistance. Likewise, the resistance send back another lone protector with orders to prevent John’s death. In a twist on the original movie’s plot, it’s Arnie’s turn to be the good guy. The resistance have successfully reprogrammed a super tough T-800, but his opponent is a much more sophisticated machine – A liquid metal assassin who can change shape and absorb bullets – The T-1000 (Robert Patrick).

Once the players are established the film becomes a game of Cat and Mouse, but is never formulaic. The police alert Sara that the same guy who shot up a police station 15 years ago is back on the scene and her son is missing. The film delivers a clever turn of events as Sara initially believes the T-800 is the enemy. Once her son and the machine help break her out of the asylum they decide to prevent the Machine War by destroying the Cyberdine factory.

Cyberdine found fragments of the original Terminator and have begun retro-engineering the CPU to design their own self-aware machines. It’s another great example of the Grandfather paradox from Cameron - Without finding the parts, Cyberdine couldn’t have designed the Terminators, so they could never have been sent back in the first place.

This is as near to the perfect movie you’re ever likely to find in this world. The story is great with its own mythology and hidden depths. The acting is match perfect – what other character suited Schwarzenegger better than the Terminator? But, the thing that sets this apart from every other Sci-fi actioner, even the original film, is the special effects.

Never before or since have we seen such effective and classy use of CGI. The key is Cameron’s reserved use of the liquid metal effect. Never does he get carried away, only using it when the action demands.

If he could make a film like this fifteen years ago, one can only wonder what he’ll accomplish with Avatar.

Verdict 10/10
Pure Movie Perfection.

District 9 Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:40:00 +0000

Yes Man

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:24:00 +0000

Yes Man

As comedy becomes more sophisticated and complex and subtle. As it twists and turns trying to insert itself up its own arse. Thanks to Larry David and Judd Apatow with their high brow, organic, fair-trade brand of comedy, it's getting easier to forget the larger than life, laugh-out-loud (remember laughing out loud?) pioneers of comedy like Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey.

Carrey tried to raise his profile by taking more dramatic roles like The Truman Show and The Majestic. A thousand miles from the gurning, grinning crazy man who brought to life Ace Ventura and The Mask.

Yes Man is a return to his roots of sorts for Carrey. A flimsy pretext is used to loose Carrey's antics on the world...
Carl Allen a recently divorced Loan Manager has shut himself off from human contact in the hope it will save him from any further hurt. He refuses to answer the phone to his loyal best friend, Peter (Bradley Cooper), or spend any time socializing.

His self enforced isolation causes him to miss his friend's engagement party and so, he decides to take drastic measures. He decides to attend a self-help seminar hosted by Terence Bundley (Terence Stamp) where he's convinced to just say 'Yes' regardless of the situation.

He finds out in comedic style just how enriched his life can be if he opens himself up to every opportunity. He meets a girl, learns to speak a foreign language, makes new friendships and strengthens old ones. Some of the opportunities are less desirable than others though as he can no longer refuse the advances of his amorous elderly Landlady.

The laughs are hearty and plentiful like when Carl goes jogging after an all-night Red Bull party, not suspecting the energy drink might wear off. Or when he's touring the Abattoir with his new girlfriend Allison (Zooey Deschanal) and he passes clean out on the floor.

It isn't without its flaws though; The obligatory scene near the end where everything seems lost is a bit contrived with Allison finding out that he only ever says Yes and dumping him for it. This after confessing her love for him. The film runs at nearly two hours and wouldn't suffer from a few cuts here and there.

There are plenty of large characters for Carrey to riff off of, but the film works best by putting him into outlandish scenarios and leaving him to do his thing.

Verdict 7/10
A physical actor with enough energy to power a city, it's great to see Carrey return to form.

New GI Joe Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:14:00 +0000

New Transformers Trailer

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:10:00 +0000

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:06:00 +0000

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Well it's May. That means the slow trickle of summer blockbusters has begun. Next week sees the much anticipated Star Trek prequel being released, but if you're a comic book fan, there's only one film that matters this year.

You can guess from the title what this film is going to contain. You may even discern that it's going to be part of another Marvel franchise; Starting off with everyone's favourite character James 'Wolverine' Logan (Hugh Jackman).

The film starts in 1845 with a seemingly ill James lying in bed talking to his brother Victor. After an altercation between his father and another man leaves his father dead, the brothers run off into the night. We're then treated to a credits scroll showing the two brothers fight in every war known to history. The boys are now men, greatly aware of their own indestructibility.

Sentenced to death by firing squad for war crimes perpetrated by Victor, or as he'll later be known Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber), they come to the attention of Colonel Stryker (Danny Huston). He's putting a team of mutants together for military missions. The team includes an array of talented super-humans: Agent Zero (David North), who can kill with every bullet fired; Blob (Frank Durand) whose hide is as impervious as his belly is wide; And Wade, who can split bullets with his twin swords.

The brothers soon split as Wolverine loses his stomach for the killing and seeks a quiet peaceful life. Finding an idyllic spot in the Canadian Rockies with the beautiful Kayla Silverfox (Lynn Collins), it seems that Wolverine has escaped. But his destiny comes crashing back to him when Sabretooth finds him and kills Kayla, filling him with his patented rage. Stryker offers him a path to revenge; He'll replace his bone claws with the hardest metal known to man, Adamantium. Blinded by his anger, Wolverine agrees. Thus the character we know and love is born.

Escaping from Stryker, who had bigger plans for his weapon X, Wolverine seeks out Sabretooth. But things aren't as they seem when a bigger, much fouler plan emerges which sees Wolverine teaming up with fan favourite Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) to smash apart Stryker's conspiracy.

With such a wide variety of characters in the film, there's something for every comic book fan. I bought the ticket solely to see Gambit in action and I wasn't disappointed. A character will emerge in the last few scenes that will leave audiences reeling – someone so strong he can challenge Sabretooth and Wolverine together. Everything is tied in a neat bow to deliver it as the preceding events to the first X-men movie with a few unexpected faces cropping up.

Shuggie Jackman reclaims the character that he almost lost in 'Last Stand', bringing out the witty nihilistic one liners that make him a favourite. Liev Schreiber is excellently cast as Sabretooth, bringing a depth of realism to the part that Tyler Mane couldn't deliver. But of all the great cast, it's Danny Huston that shines brightest as the despicable, devious and downright dastardly William Stryker. Filling Brian Cox's boots is a hard thing to do, but Huston expertly steals the role. His unwavering determination to succeed despite who he hurts as a consequence is simply chilling.

There are some amazing action effects in this film that will dazzle the eyes right out your head. Watch as the newly formed Wolverine takes on two humvees and a helicopter single-handedly. Watch a school being cut in half by a certain character's ruby red eye-beam. Witness the utter demolition of a power plant by three men trying to kill each other.

From beginning to end this was pure entertainment.

Verdict 10/10
This is the second best X-men movie made, right behind Bryan Singer's X2.

Big Fish

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Fri, 01 May 2009 20:21:00 +0000

Big Fish

It's hard to define your favourite film. When someone puts you on the spot and asks you, you're suddenly struck dumb. Whatever choice you make at the time never really seems right somehow. Later when you have a think about it, you wished you'd said something else.
Now ask anyone who knows me what my favourite is and they'll tell you Kev loves Fight Club. Well, they used to be right...

Directed by Tim Burton, Big Fish is the story of a man, Will (Billy Crudup), who seeks to know his dying father better. Will's father Ed (Albert Finney) only ever told his son tall fantastical tales about his life. Tales that owe more to fiction than genuine fact. Will endeavours to glimpse the real man behind the stories.

The fantasy stories are played out as flashbacks with Ewen McGregor as the young Ed, centre to them all. As he lies in bed dying in the real world, he tells Will how he saved his home town from a lonely giant. How he made friends with a werewolf at the circus. How he saw his destiny in the glass eye of a witch.

Realising that his father will never separate fact from fiction, Will decides to investigate himself. Though what he finds, isn't what he expected. It would seem that the man and the myth are inseperable.

Based on a book by Daniel Wallace, the story couldn't have been any more tailor-made for Burton. His vast gothic imagination is the very mind to transfer this fantasy book to the screen. There are some terrific special effects: The use of forced perspective to make the Giant tower over young Ed; When the circus suddenly halts, everyone freezing, except Ed who walks among the frozen performers; The moment the dying Ed takes his true form as the Big Fish of the title.

Hats off where hats off is due to Ewen McGregor playing the confident, talented hero, Ed, with a convincing southern drawl that perfectly matches Albert Finney's. The two actors work well to create a believable character who wins the audience's hearts, which are duly broken by the time the credits roll.

This film is an example of the very reason cinema was invented. Escapism. Why live in the real world when you can free your mind to fantasy.

Verdict 10/10
My new favourite film.

The Day the Earth Stood Still

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:31:00 +0000

The Day the Earth Stood Still

I could take this opportunity to bemoan Hollywood’s preoccupation with remaking the classics. I could mourn the dearth of imagination that goes in to adapting existing movies for a new generation of film fans. I could even use my time atop this soapbox to scream in venomous anger at the number crunching arseholes that pull the strings to bring us ratings friendly, morally shallow slices of vapid horseshit for the purpose of lining their own wallets.
But, I won’t.

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2009) follows a similar path to The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951)… An alien called Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) comes to earth with his robot protector Gort. His mission is to save our planet from the destruction wrought on it by the human race. In the original, he simply warns us off but in this update he’s willing to eradicate our species to succeed.

Landing in Manhattan in a swirling globe of gas, Klaatu receives a typical human welcome by being shot on sight. Whisked away to a military hospital, he is first questioned by Scientists including Helen Benson(Jennifer Connolly) then by the Department of Defence(Represented by Kathy Bates). Once Klaatu is deemed a threat by the Government,Helen helps him escape. Whilst on the run with her step-son Jacob (Jaden Smith) in tow, she tries to convince Klaatu to spare humanity.

Meanwhile, a few more gaseous globes have appeared to secure samples of all the earth’s other less destructive species’. This is the biggest indicator to the government that Klaatu’s intentions are less than auspicious, so they promptly steal the robot Gort and bomb the shit out of Klaatu’s ship.

Consequently, Gort morphs into a swarm of omnivorous flies that start to eat everything in their path including people, trucks and football stadiums. The whole plot hurtles out of control and beyond the realms of suspended disbelief. And still no evidence of the Earth standing still (that finally appears at the end, a sort of token gesture or in-joke).

With a big budget movie like this, good storytelling often makes way for amazing effects. Unfortunately, they’re substandard too. Watch out for three examples of CGI aircraft with almost cartoon like features. Where they could have had a lot of fun with the design of the ship, they opted instead for a big ball of steam. They could also have made Gort more intimidating and dynamic, but simply settled for a lumbering animation of the original.

The acting, though, makes the effects look stunning by comparison. Keanu is always destined to disappoint the more dialogue he’s given to speak. Watch him ‘chew up the scenery’ as he tries to appear both noble and intelligent (not qualities instantly associated with Ted Theodore Logan). He’s beaten though by Jaden Smith, whose character is one of the most grating you’re ever likely to witness. His sole purpose in the film seems to be getting in everyone’s way and spouting occasional republican rhetoric at the visiting alien.

There’s a million reasons not to go see this film and I can’t think of one to support it.

Verdict; 2/10
The Hollywood machine keeps on turning.

Knowing

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 12:54:00 +0000

Knowing

The old creationist theory, eh? It's as old as the world - approx 5000 years depending on who you ask. Human life on earth was started by two people. Two people? Can you Adam and Eve it?
On the opposite side of the fence there's the Evolution theory (It's still a theory folks). Started by some bloke Darwin, it states that the human race is descended from apes through Millennia of progressive evolution.
Both sides of the argument have been debated for decades and will continue to be debated for decades more.
But Nicolas' Cage's new Sci-Fi thriller may just provide a third option on the origin theory.

Cage plays John Koestler a College professor at MIT who has lost his faith after the death of his wife in a fire. His son Caleb discovers a sheet of paper with apparently random numbers scrawled on it, when his school dig up a fifty year old time capsule.

Initially, John dismisses the document, but ultimately stumbles on it's secret contents; It is a list of every major disaster over the last fifty years. Using the fail safe movie exposition device of google, he ties each set of numbers to a time and a place with the amount of fatalities. Almost all are accounted for, but three dates remain.

John follows the clues in time to witness two of the disasters first hand, but the last one is the most mysterious of all. Instead of a fatality figure, it simply says 'EE'.

SPOLIERS AHEAD

The initials EE, John discovers, indicate the end of the world as they stand for 'Everyone Else'. John must race to discover how he can use this insight to save himself and his son. Teaming up with the daughter and granddaughter of the girl who wrote the list in the first place, they try to find a safe haven for the forthcoming apocalypse.

There is also a shadowy group of men lurking in the background who keep trying to communicate with the granddaughter, Abby and young Caleb. Telling them that they can take them away to safety.

The story is steeped in biblical overtones with John finding his faith and forgiving his Pastor father. The Noah's ark story is played out near the end with the shadowy figures taking two of each animal away from the impending Extinction. The two children are taken to the elysian fields of some new Eden to start the human race once again. But there's a dynamic twist to the proceedings. Instead of angels and celestial beings, it's an alien race who have come to save the human species.

In an awe inspiring final act, the world disintegrates under the power of a solar flare as Space crafts lift off around the globe, carrying the selected few to their safe new planet. With a combination of great effects and clever storytelling, it creates one of the best endings to a film you're ever likely to see.

Despite the gaping large plot-hole at the centre of the movie – Why bother with a list of major disasters in the first place if you're watching the people you intend to save?- It's a great thought-provoking and wonderful film.

Verdict 8/10
Works a novel origin theory into a slick, entertaining adventure.

Universal Soldier

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 19:35:00 +0000

Universal Soldier

What’s better than watching an action hero kicking the shit out of the bad guys? I’ll tell you…Watching two action heroes kicking the shit out of each other. There have been many attempts at Action star team ups like Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee, Sylvester Stallone vs. Mr. T and Arnold Schwarzenegger vs. Danny DeVito. But none have the impact of Universal Soldier.

Van Damme the semi-literate Mussels from Brussels vs. Dolph Lungdren the surprisingly intelligent (he’s got a Masters degree in Chemical Engineering) Swedish Blondie Bloke. A superstar team up made in 1980’s action heaven.

Lungdren plays Sergeant Scott, who loses the plot in Vietnam and starts to kill his own men. After removing their ears and making a necklace from them, he turns his gun on some innocent Vietnamese civilians.
Private Luke (Van Damme) attempts to stop his homicidal rampage, but gets killed in the process. Not before he riddles Scott with bullets.

A group of shady military types collect their dead bodies and pack them in ice. Fast forward 25 years and Luke and Scott are looking astoundingly healthy for dead blokes. It turns out that they’ve been reanimated as part of a new military super-soldier initiative. Their brains have been wiped and their bodies are almost indestructible. (Well, they can’t die again).

After taking care of business by disposing of some extremely hostile terrorists, Luke starts to have flashbacks to the Vietnam War. Before long, both his and Scott’s memory comes back and they quickly return to being adversaries.
Luke goes on the run with a disposable Reporter character, pursued by Scott and the rest of the quickly disposed Universal Soldiers.

The acting is ridiculous. The special effects are sub-standard. The plot is formulaic and far-fetched. But, none of that stops it from being one of the most enjoyable action flicks of the last thirty years. Van Damme is offered ample ‘leg’ room to swing his trademark roundhouse kicks. Lungdren spouts cast iron one-liners ‘I’m all ears.” It’s just great. Pure and simple.

When I’d finished watching the film, I had a quick scan of the DVD extras and found an alternate ending which must be seen to be believed. It shits on the entire movie and you can see why they changed it, but somehow fits better than the finished print.

Verdict 10/10
High kicks, loud explosions and plenty of steroids. What more could you ask?

The Godfather Videocast

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:33:00 +0000

City of Ember

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 20:52:00 +0000

City of Ember

When you hang a film on three hooks, you want to make sure those hooks are strong and always present. If the hooks are small and mostly absent, the film will almost certainly fall down. With me so far?

City of Ember is a story set in a post apocalyptic earth, where the human race is now all but extinct. In a desperate bid to save their species, a group of scientists devise an underground city where the last humans will survive for 200 years before leaving to recolonise the earth.

A time-locked box containing the details of how to leave the city is passed down from mayor to mayor through the generations. Until one Mayor dies suddenly or is killed (it's not clear) before passing it on to the next in line. The box is hidden away and forgotten, where it automatically opens, unseen.

The inhabitants of Ember live under constant fear that their power generator will collapse, blinking out their artificial lights. Every time it stalls there is widespread panic. Two youngsters, Lina and Doon, realising that their days in Ember are numbered try to find a way to repair the generator, but, instead, accidentally stumble on the box. Together they try to unravel the contents and find a way out.

But not everyone is so keen to leave Ember, the scurrilous Mayor Cole (Bill Murray) has taken advantage of his city's fear, distracting them from his plan to steal all the food.

With the help of Doon's father (Tim Robbins) the heroic pair outwit the mayor's guards and start their journey to the surface.

On paper the story sounds almost enjoyable, but the film is riddled with unanswered questions. Like, for instance, why is the human race on the brink of extinction? Why are there giant moths? What the hell is the black and pink monster?

At the outset there were three hooks to get an audience through the door to watch this; Bill Murray, Tim Robbins and the promise of much problem solving to escape the doomed city. Unfortunately, all three coming in meagre portions. Bill Murray goes through the motions as the evil Mayor. Tim Robbins is criminally underused. And all the problem solving takes place in the last ten minutes of the film.

When the kids reach the surface, you'll be left wondering what all the fuss was about and realise you could have fast forwarded the movie for an hour without losing any of the story.

Verdict 3/10
The film fell down.

Horse Feathers

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:32:00 +0000

Horse Feathers

Back in the day I used to present a videocast called 'missed the boat movies'; A video review of films that were released before my time that I had guiltily never seen (www.youtube.com/kevbob79). If I were still making those, the 1932 Marx brothers romp Horse Feathers would certainly meet the criteria.

Starring the Four brothers, Grouch, Harpo, Zeppo and Chico, the film is about Huxley College who breed under-performers and, worse still, are always beaten at Football. The new President, Quincy Wagstaff (Groucho) decides to hire a couple of semi-pro football players to pretend they're students and hopefully win a few matches.

In a case of mistaken identity, Wagstaff hires a couple of loons instead; Pinky (Harpo) and Baravelli (Chico). A pair who can turn the simplest of tasks into a catastrophe.

Wagstaff's son Frank (Zeppo), meanwhile, has lady troubles as he courts the College widow and his studies suffer accordingly. Plus she may have ulterior motives for spending time with the lad.

The plot, of course, is moot. It's a mere backdrop for the Marx brothers lunacy. Everything runs along at breakneck speed with joke after joke being hurled at the screen, relentlessly.

The gag rate is so high in fact that they seem crammed in without space to breathe. Before the audience has a chance to respond to the joke, they've already cracked another. It becomes quite a chore to keep up, loosing what could possibly be some genuine laughs.

There are fans out there who love the Marx brothers and won't hear a bad word against them. Chaplin, Keaton and Laurel & Hardie all had comedy timing, which I'm afraid to say isn't apparent from my first experience of the Marx Brothers.

Verdict 5/10
Slow down guys. My head's nipping.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:39:00 +0000

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

So many trailers nowadays only show the funniest scenes from the movie. You're left thinking, “hey that looks pretty funny, let's check it out.” Only to sit down and watch ninety minutes of drivel surrounding the three funny scenes from the trailer. So, is Paul Blart: Mall Cop another blatant violation of the Trade Descriptions Act?

Of course it is. Why would I have wrote all that if it wasn't?

The trailer sells it as Die Hard with a fat security guard instead of Bruce Willis. Kevin James, who you may remember from 'hit' sitcom King of Queens (It's on Paramount while you're at work), plays loveable loser Paul Blart. Living at home with his Mother and his daughter from a loveless marriage. He's lonely in love and invests all his energy in his job as a Mall Cop. There, that's the title explained.

He does his job with zeal, rallying around the shopping centre on his two wheeled segway, cautioning shoppers for driving shop-mobility carts without a license. Blart would be a real cop if it weren't for his hypoglycaemia faints, so he pretends his security badge is the real thing.

Underneath his officious exterior lies a pained and lonely soul. Working up the courage to ask out checkout girl, Maya (Jayma Mays) he always ends up putting his foot in his mouth. Then, there comes a chance to prove himself.

The Mall is hijacked by a group of unlikely gymnastic terrorists who plan to rip off the credit card machines. Led by the even less likely villain Veck Sims (Keir O'Donnell) they hold several people hostage, including Paul's love interest. This is where it should have went all Die Hard, but ended up with as much action as a constipated bowel.

The first act dragged on for too long, dealing with Blart's love and work issues. By the time the action arrived, I was so bored, I couldn't give less of a fuck who won. They played it out with Blart as the man on the inside talking to the SWAT team outside. One by one he eliminates the fitter, faster, smarter terrorists. Then his daughter turns up and gets kidnapped too.

There's not much more to say about it as the story was as vacuous as the central character. It's very hard to associate with a self-righteous security guard with weight issues.

Verdict 4/10
Unlike the trailer, this wasn't funny.

Tales of the Black Freighter

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 15:10:00 +0000

Tales of the Black Freighter

As you will know from reading my earlier review of Watchmen (Below), I wasn't overly impressed. Snyder's attempts to shoehorn as much of the book into his film resulted in a confusing mess. At least he was smart enough not to try and fit 'Tales of the Black Freighter' in too. Instead, it was made into this 25 minute animation by Mike Smith and Daniel DelPurgatorio.

The story originated as a comic book within a comic book, read by a kid who uses the same news stand as Rorschach. It follows a Mariner (Gerard Butler) whose ship is blown to smithereens and whose crew are all slain by Pirates from the dreaded Black freighter. He makes his way to a nearby deserted island, just in time to watch the bloated corpses of his crew wash up on shore.

Whilst there he figures that the pirates are most likely pillaging his home town and his family are in danger. He decides to build a raft from trees and a sail that he finds his friend wrapped in. He grimly realises the swollen, gas filled bodies lying on the beach will provide him with the perfect ballast to keep him afloat. And be begins tying them to his raft.

Sailing on his grotesque vessel, he heads for home. Eating any seabirds who fly down close enough trying to peck at the eyeballs of his building material. He perilously drinks handfuls of sea water, sending him further and further into delusion. His dead friend counsels him from beyond the grave, telling him it's too late to save his family back home and he should go back. But like a certain character in the main book, the Mariner is intent on his mission. It's no mistake that the bloodied sails on his raft resemble an ink-blot.

After surviving a shark attack and washing up on familiar shores, he has convinced himself that the Pirates have been and plundered his town. So convinced that he murders innocents he suspects have betrayed his people to the pirates. He stalks into his own house, believing that pirates lie in the beds of his wife and daughters and prepares to kill them.

Unlike the main book, Black Freighter is complex in its simplicity. You have the simple story of a man heading home to save his loved ones, who, through self-delusion, becomes the very monster that threatens them. The complexities lie in the confused and tortured Mariner. His soul is polluted and corrupted by the vengeance in his heart, so much so, that he becomes worse than his enemy.

Gerard Butler, offered the role because Zack Snyder couldn't find him a part in Watchmen, fits perfect. His nuanced Scottish growl starts off simpering and self-sympathetic before ending with the lunatic howls of a madman. There is no better voice.

The animation is similar in style to Fist of the North Star, the 1986 movie, with dark shadows and a lot of high contrast visuals. The sea is as black as ink and the sun crimson on the horizon. It feels very old school compared to modern anime's like Appleseed and Ghost in the Shell.

In 25 minutes this film achieves what Watchmen couldn't do in nearly three hours. A chilling, competent and compelling adaptation of Alan Moore's work.

Verdict 8/10
Better than the film it accompanies.

Gran Torino

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 13:29:00 +0000

Gran Torino

Clint Eastwood is as much a part of movie heritage as the Hollywood sign itself. His wide and varied career has seen him succeed as an actor and now as a director too. With films like Mystic River, Sands of Iwo Jima and The Changeling under his belt, he's not put a foot wrong since making his career transition. Could Gran Torino be the exception that proves the rule?

Eastwood plays Walt Kowalski a retired Korean war veteran with a reason to be angry with everything. His neighbours have all died or left, being replaced with immigrant families who don't speak the same language as him. His two sons barely speak to him, unless they want something or they're trying to put him in a care home. What's more the local priest keeps pestering him to come to church and confess his sins as per Walt's dead wife's wishes. But, all he wants is to be simply left alone.

Unfortunately for him, it's not that easy. The son of a Hmong family living next door is being pursued by a local gang who want him to join. Thao (Bee Vang) is threatened with violence if he won't join and is chased on to Walt's property. Ever the man to protect his perimeters, Walt charges from his home and points his rifle at the gang who back off. For this apparent heroism, the community start to bring him gifts and welcome him as one of their own.

Reluctant to socialise with people he hates, he is gradually coerced by Thao's older sister Sue (Ahney Her) to open up. Through the course of the film, Walt's prejudices are worn down by the relentless friendliness of his neighbours and the potential he sees in young Thao.

Walt know that the gangs will drag Thao down with them and it sticks in his craw. He attempts to 'man-up' the lad by getting him a job at a construction site and, in the funniest scene of the film, teaching him how men talk to one another.

Things seem to be going great as Walt becomes friends with his neighbours and subsequently a less abrasive human being. That is until the gangs interject, shooting up Thao's house and brutally raping Sue. Walt doesn't need any more encouragement and comes up with a cunning vengeance plan. A plan that will defy all audience expectation.

The gang are always menacingly looming in the background, but only really feature at the beginning and the end. No, the real story is about Walt letting go of whatever atrocities he witnessed and, indeed, perpetrated during the Korean War. And the only person he can tell is a true friend, not a priest or his two selfish sons. That's why at the end he confesses to Thao through a grilled gate instead of to the Priest through the grilled confessional.

When I first saw the trailer for this I wasn't filled with hope. Eastwood seemed too old and his dialogue was so phlegmy I thought he was dying. After seeing it, his phlegmy voice is explained away early on and I came to realise Eastwood will never be too old. The last words the mighty Clint Eastwood utters on this earth will surely be read into a camera during a shoot. He lives and breathes for movies and he'll die for them too.

Gran Torino is the story of a man who lets go of his quasi fascist ideals to embrace the world as a whole. Just the same as Clint Eastwood has let go of Dirty Harry and moved on to bigger things.

Verdict 10/10
A beautiful, if sometimes brutal film, but altogether brilliant.

The Wackness

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 20:40:00 +0000

The Wackness

One of the hardest movie genres to review – For me anyway – is the rights of passage movie. My very first attempt at a review was for Dazed and Confused, which you can tell by its absence, didn't go too well. The single most reason being that nothing really happens plot-wise the whole way through. Rights of passage or Rites de passage films are almost always subtle affairs, shining a light on a character's transgression from teenager into adult.

The Wackness is no different. It tells the story of a lonely teenager called Luke (Josh Peck), who prides himself on his quirkiness and uniqueness. He doesn't gel with the crowd, preferring to listen to hip-hop on his outdated cassette player. The only contact he makes with them is when he is supplying them with drugs for their party, before returning to the periphery where he likes it. Obviously, such a life philosophy comes at a price. He's not really living at all.

His psychiatrist/ drug customer Dr. Squires (Ben Kingsley) advises him to start taking part, to make new friends, to go out and have his heart broken by the girl of his dreams. Unfortunately, the girl of Luke's dreams is Squires step-daughter Stephanie (Olivia Thirlby), so his advise comes back to haunt him when Luke asks her out.

Stephanie accompanies Luke on his drug run as he shows her his cunning tricks of concealing the deals, by pretending to be a ice-cream vendor. He tries to make as much money as possible because his irresponsible father is on the verge of bankruptcy and losing their home.
To avoid going home, he starts to spend more time with Squires, who is himself struggling with issues as he slowly realises his wife doesn't love him any more.

Luke falls head over heels in love with Stephanie and tells her so, only to realise she's had her fun and moved on. Squires and Luke both sink into depression – Squires attempting suicide to escape the pain - , but they each help the other out of it and become friends.

Luke matures from being someone inexperienced who needs guidance, to someone who can save his new friend from committing suicide. After surrendering himself to living, he becomes a man.

With great performances from the two leads it's easy to forget the supporting cast. Mary Kate Olsen is surprisingly great as the new-age hippy who buys her drugs from Luke and is easily seduced by Squires. Method Man appears as Luke's friendly Cannabis supplier. But it's Ben Kingsley's man-child that eats up the screen with his immaturity barely concealing his world weary pain.

It's hard to put into words how this film affects you, because it's all about feelings. If you don't like these sort of films then it'll simply be boring, but I've always liked films about growing up. Maybe because, I never did.

Verdict 10/ 10
An excellent rites-de-passage with great characters.

The Terminator

noreply@blogger.com (Jack Q Say) — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 18:08:00 +0000

The Terminator

After reading the great article about the Terminator franchise in Empire magazine, I had to go back and watch the classics again. With Terminator Salvation due in cinemas this summer (5th June), I thought I'd gear you up for it by reviewing the first three movies.

Back in 1984, the self proclaimed 'King of the World' James Cameron had been freshly fired as director of Piranha 2 and wasn't the king of anything. After a fever dream inspired by watching Harlan Ellison episodes of the Outer Limits, he developed the idea that would eventually become a cult sensation.

A terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is sent back through time to kill Sarah Connor. A machine endoskeleton surrounded by living flesh, 20th century weaponry can only slow it down.
A protector is also sent back through time in the form of a soldier called Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn). He must stop the Terminator killing Sarah (Linda Hamilton) so the human race can survive.
You see, although Sarah is completely unaware of it, she is destined to be the mother of a great military leader, John Connor. In the future it is his leadership that will bring mankind back from the brink of extinction to overthrow the dominant machines.

The film is played out as a cat and mouse chase. A reluctant Sarah comes to terms with her destiny while trying to stay alive. The movie never falls fowl of cliché as the characters are fully developed realistic people with identifiable issues. Reese is a man who has to switch off his humanity in order to get the job done. Sarah is going through life without direction until she's told the world's fate rests on her shoulders.
This is in stark contrast to the Terminator who has no such concerns. He simply kills.

Using the grandfather paradox theory, it seems that Sarah's protector is also the father of her child. Reese is sent through time by his own son to save his life. In later films the same idea is applied to the Terminator's origins. It shows how deeply thought out the movie is. It's no simple Hunt and Kill action/horror fest; throughout the film you're aware of how important Sarah Connor's survival really is.

With his monosyllabic voice and his larger than life body frame, it's no wonder Schwarzenegger was the perfect terminator. This film launched him as a star and the sequel established him as a superstar. His short terse dialogue is simplistic and menacing. When he utters his now overused line “I'll be back”, the audience know the action's about to explode.

It's lucky that this film got the green light at all. Every production company passed on it until Orion took a risk on the fledgling director. They gave him a measly $6.4 million to make it, most of which he gave to Stan Winston to create the amazing effects.

Now with it's fourth instalment on its way and a successful TV series, the franchise is still going strong. Let's hope that number four can live up to the fans expectations (this one included).

Verdict 10/10
A great start to a great franchise.