We took a deep breath when read this email yesterday from a single mom who wrote to us in shock:

“This morning my daughter and I were chatting about Daddy’s latest girl friend. This new girlfriend has two girls who attend the same school as my daughter. Apparently they ‘hooked up’ at Back to School night. “

This single mom asked her daughter if the girlfriend’s kids ever see their dad. Her daughter reported that the girlfriend’s kids do not talk about their dad. Her daughter then added that she’d heard their dad had been killed in some bad way.

Something just didn’t sound right. When her daughter usually talked about Dad’s latest love interest, it wasn’t with so much anxiety. And her daughter did sound upset.

This single mom immediately launched an Internet search — and she easily found the girlfriend on Facebook.

An entry caught her eye: “Manslaughter plea entered.” She opened it immediately and discovered that the girlfriend had shot her husband in front her kids. She’d been sentenced to prison.

Domestic violence had played no part. Apparently, the girlfriend opened a credit card account her husband didn’t want her to open. He grabbed her purse. And she grabbed a gun and shot him in the head. She had been released from prison last year and lives with her mom and her kids.

This co-parenting  dilemma is new to us — and this mom would love to hear your advice. We’re interested to know:

What would you do if you found out that your ex was dating someone with a criminal past?

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Izzy Rose — author of The Package Deal: My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom — is on a mission to change the image of the modern-day step mom.

And we’re right behind her!

Izzy describes herself as single “middle-class socialite” who lived in San Francisco. She loved her career as a successful TV producer and she was fine with the fact that she was unmarried and kid-less at thirty-five. But, then she fell in love with an irresistible Southern man named Hank — “and her Izzy-centric lifestyle turned upside down.”

The Package Deal is about much more than her adventure as a new stepmother, however. It’s also a story about modern-day marriage, the negotiating of family and career, the necessity of friendships, and the constant search for identity.

Which brings us back to that question about her step mom identity. How does Izzy plan to change the stereotype?

“Well, first of all, I’d like our culture to ditch the wicked stereotype,” says Izzy, who has since moved to Austin, Texas with her husband and what she calls “his two man-cubs.”

“Signing up to help raise another woman’s kids isn’t what I’d call ‘wicked’—it’s pretty selfless work,” says Izzy. “And where the stereotype likes to characterize us as driving a wedge in a family, I disagree. I said ‘I DO’ to join a family that existed long before I came along. On a good day, I’m just trying to fit in!”

Izzy also speaks honestly about the challenges. For example, she didn’t fall in love instantly with her husband’s sons.

“And I felt pretty crummy about this admission until I asked myself, Why would love be instant? Just because you adore the man doesn’t mean you will feel the same way about his kids. Love takes time. Of course, I hoped that I would eventually fall for them — and they me.”

On that note, we’re giving away copies of The Package Deal to TWO of you!

~~~

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So, this mom is grappling with a familiar parenting dilemma: her preschool-aged daughter still wants to sleep in her bed.

And this single mom is ready for this co-sleeping kid stage to end.

“I have heard that this  is a common problem with single parents,” she writes.

We chuckled, because actually, this is co-sleeping issue a common problem for all parents. We’ve talked about ways to determine if having your kid in your bed signal issues needing attention — or if it’s just a typical kid stage.

Here’s what “different” for single parents:

This single mom tells us that she has worked hard to create the life she deserves. She hass banished the toys from her bedroom, and she has purged all those sticky relationship souvenirs.

Also (we’re not surprised), she’s has fallen in love. She recently introduced her little girl to her boyfriend, and they’re all enjoying spending time together. You know what’s coming next, right?

This mom would like to plan some *ahem* grown-up sleepovers. Yes, she’s ready to have sex in her own bed.

“I’m anxious to make this transition from co-sleeping to independent sleeping,” this mom adds. “I also believe that my little girl would gain some needed independence sleeping alone.”

In the meantime, her daughter is resisting any gentle hints that “big girls sleep in their own beds.” Her daughter probably senses a change in mom’s attitude about sleeping together. She’s growing more territorial and possessive about their shared bed.

“A part of me feels guilty about how much I would rather share my bed with a man I love — than snuggle up to my child at night,” this mom adds.

We totally understand. We make no judgments @Singlemommyhood. And we’re sure you’ve got strong opinions on this:

Is this single mom striving for sleep independence for the wrong reason?

Should she encourage her preschool child to sleep peacefully in her own bed?

Or, should she simply wait until her child is ready for independent sleeping — on her own?

(Photo courtesy of **LYN** via Flickr)

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We know that all of you are working hard to create the lives you deserve.

For many of you, that begins with decluttering and purging out our your “marriage museum.” You’ve told us exactly how you have disposed those “souvenirs” from your past relationship.

But one “souvenir” seems to stump many of you: What do you do with your wedding album?

Wedding albums can be painful reminders about unfulfilled hope. Yet, these family pictures are priceless — and your kids seem to love to look through them.

We understand. Some of the purging is pretty easy. You toss out that dried-out cosmetics and expired food because there’s no emotional attachment, right?

Yet, we know how emotionally draining it is to throw something out – finally – that you thought you’d treasure forever.

We feel privileged and honored that you share so many personal feelings with us.  You’ve let us know that displaying (or not) your ex’s family pictures is a sensitive issue.  And there’s certainly not a one-size-fits-all solution to this dilemma.

It can be easy to talk about decluttering. We’ve gone on the record to say that clutter is THE enemy of all the good things (including great sex!) that YOU deserve. But where do you really start when it comes to something as precious as the photos from your wedding day?

Still, some stuff seems to stick to our souls. Say, a ticket stub, a Valentine’s Day card, or love note on a post-it.

And that’s where your wedding album comes in. We’d love to know:

Do you leave your wedding album out — and available–  for the kids’ sake? Or do you hide it away for your sake?

Frankly, we’re not sure. So, that’s why we’re asking you…What happened to your wedding album?

(Photo courtesy of L7Designs via Flickr)

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Oh, yes, those grown up sleepovers.

This has to be one of our most popular topics at Singlemommyhood. We get plenty of emails about this situation — and you’ve chimed in about your own feelings regarding adult sleepovers.

So, now it’s time for us to address yet another angle: What role do your kids’ feelings play in your decision to have boyfriend/girlfriend spend the night?

Here’s a recent email from a single dad who wrote to us about possible grown-up sleepovers. He’s the full-time parent of three teenage girls (!) — a 15-year-old and 10-year-old twins –he has been divorced for more than a year now. He adds that his kids are thriving, doing well in school, and are simply great teens. “I want them to be healthy, loving, interesting women,” he says.

A few months ago, he met a woman whom he feels has real potential.  She’s also very serious about having a long-term relationship.  “We spend ‘family’ time, all together — yet I’m unsure if it’s okay to let my girlfriend spent the night when my kids are here.”

“So, now, the whole ’sleeping over while the kids are home’ situation is on our minds,” he says, “and neither of us knows how to proceed.”

He wants to know:

“Do I speak directly to the girls and say what?

“Do we just ‘do it’ and wait for their reaction?

Or do I forget the whole thing?”

We bet that many of you know A LOT about this dilemma.

So, we’d love to know from you:

Do kid feelings count when you decide whether grown-up sleepovers are going to happen?

Does this parenting decision gets more complicated as kids get older?

If you have any advice for this single dad as he struggles to decide if grown-up sleepovers are the right choice, thank you!

(Picture courtesy of cayusa via Flickr)

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Dr. Leah used to go Trick-or-Treating in the very neighborhood where she now lives. In fact, she trick-or-treated at what is now her own house. A rather elderly lady offered scrumptious homemade caramel popcorn balls as Halloween treats.

How could Dr. Leah possibly remember that?  “Well, first of all each popcorn must have weighed three pounds,” she says. “And this lovely lady put her name and address inside each wrapper proudly.”

“It was a post Halloween ritual. My dad would get out a big knife and cut this massive popcorn ball in pieces to share. No matter how many siblings you had, no trick-or-treater got short changed. And no one ever remotely considered home-made treats as potentially tainted.”

“Things just seem so much more complicated now,” Dr. Leah keeps telling me.

Dr. Leah’s kids seem like they were  . . . well, incredibly cooperative about their Halloween costumes. She dressed up one of her kids as a bag of McDonald’s French Fries. (How cute!)

Well, I had to admit to Dr. Leah that my fourth grader is going out this weekend as a Dead Rock Star. And, yes, last year she was a Dead Cheerleader.

That’s when I had to agree  . . . “Things are more complicated now.”

Dr. Leah gets tons of eager Trick- or- Treaters. (I was stunned at how much Halloween candy the typically health conscious Sanity Fairy intends to dole out – wow!)  Dr. Leah told me some kids trick-or-treat in groups with friends under the watchful eye of a parent.  Other kids come to the door with their parents.

We’re curious:

What are your kids dressing up as this year?

Have any of your kids requested to be something dead, violent, or, perhaps, bloody?  Or are your kids still in the “cute stage” of Halloween attire?

Of course, we’re interested in your Trick- or-Treat ground rules.  Do you let your kids trick-or-treat on their own or do you stick close by?

And just one last word: As much as we wince at the environmental waste of glow sticks, we do think they’re a great way to keep your kids safe at night when they’re crossing streets.  Speaking from experience, please don’t let your kids break them open and turn their skin fluorescent with that dibutyl phthalate!

P.S. One single mom blogger — Only Parent Chronicles — just turned us onto this very cool idea: a Halloween Candy Buy Back. Check it out!

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This is a familiar topic in our Singlemommyhood community.

You might remember an early conversation we had about posting your kids’ pictures on your online dating profile.

We also stirred up a bit of controversy chatting about badmouthing your ex online.

Of course, you know that Dr. Leah and I totally disagree about posting  kids’ pictures on Facebook.

Let’s face it: the downside of Facebook — particularly how public you are — has gotten lots of play recently.

Dr. Leah chides me about it all the time!

For many of us, our “friends”  have multiplied to include younger relatives, colleagues from work, and your newly tech savvy mom.  Reports of wanton cavorting or weekends of over-indulgence may not be the smartest choice.

And, if you’ve been active on Facebook since its inception, there’s a fair amount of housekeeping to do as your job and relationship status inevitably change. It’s a chore and it can be a waste of time.

So, it was completely shocking when Dr. Leah excitedly buzzed me about a comment on our recent post about helping kids grieve a deliberately absent parent.

Dr. Leah was talking up Facebook!

In case you missed it, Single Mom Paying Off Debt wrote about finding pictures of her long-absent ex on his sister’s Facebook account.  She knew her son was the spitting image of his father. But she’d never seen pictures of her ex when he was a youngster.  She carefully copied these pictures – and she plans to share them with her son when she thinks it’s appropriate.

She felt as if she’d found another puzzle piece to help her son put his life story together at the proper time. Her story has inspired us to highlight the benefits of social media in our Singlemommyhood community. We’re curious:

Have any of you tried to find family pictures of your ex to show your kids when you think the time might be right?

How are you using social media to make life better for you and your kids?

We’d love to hear more from you.

(Facebook photo courtesy of Amit Gupta via Flickr)

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A distraught single mom has shared a sad tale with us. It all started when her ex contacted her daughter to say that he’d try to celebrate her birthday with her.

Of course, her daughter’s hopes were raised. She was so hopeful, in fact, that she called her girlfriend and canceled a birthday trip they’d been planning for Disneyland.

“My daughter was SO excited about going to Disneyland with her friend for her birthday,” this mom wrote to us. “Now it’s ruined because he planted this idea of possibly seeing him. I’ve already heard my daughter telling her friend that the Disneyland trip was off because she might see her dad.”

“Of course, he hasn’t called.  It’s a guarantee that he’ll be a no show.”

This mom also shared a bit of background: the father of her two daughters is a drug addict who has been in and out of jail many times. She has sole legal custody with court ordered stipulations for supervised parenting time.

“I don’t want to go into the whole tired saga. I know I can’t change him,” she says. “The big thing for me is that he constantly disappoints my girls by not keeping his promises. It’s a set-up to hurt them. And I’m left to pick up the pieces of my girls’ broken hearts. ”

“Of course, I feel terrible for my girls,” this mom adds. “But it hit me today that it’s also so unfair to ME.”

This single mom could definitely use your help to cope with this difficult parenting dilemma.

“I can’t stand the term co-parenting,” she says. “”I hate the fact that I have to control my temper after he has hurt my children.”

She has tried to hold her high many times, and put on a happy face. “But I don’t have those super-human capabilities. Any mother who’s asked to NOT show her feelings when her children are hurt… well, it’s too much to ask.”

We are sure you have a lot to say on this:

• Does she have the right to be angry when this father repeatedly hurts the children?
  
• Is it right for her to express these feelings openly to her children?
• Or, should she just continue to say nothing to them about how their father’s behavior toward them makes her feel?

(Photo courtesy of McAzadi/busy via Flickr)

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We received an email recently from a single woman — who has never been married and has no kids –  about a married guy she’s involved with from work.

“Here’s how it started,” she says. “I work with a guy who told me when we’d first met that his wife has cheated on him a few times. And she doesn’t love him anymore.”

She knows that we’re on the record against dating married men.

And that both of us know first hand the perils of dating a guy still attached to his ex.

She has also heard plenty of truth from you about what to expect when you date a separated guy.

So, we’re hoping you can help out this single woman. She’s got no experience dating a guy with kids.

And she needs a big dose of practical advice. Here’s what she told us:

Things seem fairly obvious to us. So, we’re worried about her. They;re always huddled in conversation at work — and co-workers have noticed. He always wants to know what she’s doing, and with whom.

“I normally don’t date guys with children,” she says. “I know this might just be transitional relationship?  I don’t think he’s ready for a real relationship.  ”

And here’s what she is asking you:

Should I keep things the way they are and give him some time? Or, should I stay completely away and definitely stop having sex with him?

Please offer some advice to our single sister — straight from your heart (and gut).

(Photos courtesy of Nigelmaine and Ario_i via Flickr)

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When we recently read about an engaged single mom blogger’s tattoo idea, we chuckled.

You see, that blogger known as Mommy Pie loves the ring that her fiance gave her last spring, but she admits that both she and her man are “those non-ring wearing” types. (If you missed how her fiance proposed to on the blog Proposal 2.0, you can read about his marriage proposal here.)

That’s exactly why Mommy Pie is proposing a new marriage tradition: she and her fiance are thinking about getting ring tattoos that will keep “with the spirit and symbolism of the ring.”

“Instead of a ring, maybe I’ll just have his FACE tattooed on my fingertip,” she jokes. “It IS permanent, after all, and that way he’ll always be with me, regardless of distance.”

This all makes us curious: do you have a tattoo? — or, are thinking about getting one?

We’d love to hear what image (or images!) you have. What do they symbolize for you?

Did anyone get a tattoo in honor of their children?

Are more tattoos (or, maybe a first tattoo)  on your wish list?

We’d love to hear all the details! Please do share.

Just so you know: Neither Dr. Leah nor Single Mom Seeking has a tattoo tale to share. (Are you surprised?)

(Photos courtesy of  hyperbolic pants explosion & TiffanyAnne via Flickr)

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