At the beginning of 2009, I wrote this post – What’s Your Big Idea? In it, I discussed my reaction to Steve and Erin Pavlina’s decision to explore the realm of a polyamorous marriage. For those not familiar with this term, polyamory is the practice or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.

If you’re relatively new to Simple Marriage, I’d suggest you follow this link and read the post before proceeding. See you again in a few minutes.

Okay, now that you’re back, allow me to give you an update.

Last week, Steve and Erin announced that they have separated and are getting divorced. They both wrote at length about this and admit that their decision to become polyamorous played a role in the separation.

While it is likely that deciding to be polyamorous would harm most any marriage, what troubles me is what’s underneath all this.

First, a brief disclaimer: I do not view things fundamentally the same as Steve and Erin (at least from what I have read on their blogs). And when there is a fundamental difference in beliefs, it’s easy to come across as judging or harsh – which in no way I am wanting to do.

Divorce is a major thing in our society and there’s no such thing as a divorce without fallout – or pain and suffering. A family is a system – what affects one – impacts all.

Here’s a few quotes taken directly from their writing about this:

Human relationships have a lot of fluidity to them, and marriage is only one of many forms they can take. In this case the most conscious decision we can make to improve our relationship is to end our marriage.

Our desires in life are no longer as compatible as they were in our early years.  We both want to live in ways that the other is not interested in, so we were constantly compromising what we wanted to make the other person happy, which left neither of us truly happy.

It appears as though their belief is that marriage is supposed to make them happy and if its not – that means something’s not working.

I simply do not agree.

Marriage is not designed to make us happy.

What makes you happy is way too vague and elusive. What makes you happy changes with the seasons and the stages in life. And often, once you obtain whatever it is that would make you happy, it’s short lived and fleeting. If I define my life and live my life only by what makes me happy – I’m going to harm a lot of people along the way.

Marriage is designed for one thing: growth.

Marriage creates a natural container to facilitate our growth and development as people. As Hayden stated this before:

Marriage is personal development boot camp. You will demand much from your partner, as they will from you. You will be challenged to open your being in love, even as you are angry. You will be challenged to fully forgive transgressions both major and minor. Your marriage, in short, is the daily practical exercise of the opportunity to be your best self. And what you master at home, you take into the world.

We live in relationship to others all our lives. Some relationships carry more importance than others. Obviously my relationship with my wife is going to create more possibilities for growth than is my relationship with the drive-thru attendant, but the same principles apply.

One more quote from Steve:

The desire to relate to other people as consciously as possible eventually made it impossible to continue giving my power away to an external structure like a marriage. That was a problem for both of us. For years we fell into the trap of treating the marriage as something more powerful than ourselves, something we must preserve at all costs even when it didn’t make us happy to do so. I’m glad we finally saw the folly in that mindset.

Most every person I’ve worked with has come in to their sessions with the belief that they want to work on their marriage – as if their marriage was an outside entity that could be “fixed.”

They’ve got it backwards.

The marriage is doing what it’s designed to do – work on the people involved.

Rather than working on improving the marriage, the marriage works on improving the people. While the work required is difficult at times, so is our own growth. But what you discover when you put in the work is that you value the relationship more, you value yourself more, and you’re both better off than you were before.

In fact, research has even discovered that the tough times in marriage (as well as the times when you laugh together) increases the levels of Oxytocin in your brain. Oxytocin is the chemical that creates a deeper bond with others. So the higher the levels of Oxytocin, the deeper the connection and bond.

The only way to truly connect with another person is to put in the work to be more present and “grown up” with them.

Happiness ebbs and flows. So do all our emotions.

Growth lasts.

When you find yourself in the midst of unhappiness, perhaps it’s a great time to work on your own growth.

And if you do that – you’ll likely end up more fulfilled.

And you know what?

So will your spouse.

Photo courtesy Joe Shlabotnik

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Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

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Related posts:

1. Could Too Much Sex Negatively Impact Your Marriage?
2. 8 Principles for a Zen Marriage
3. If Your Marriage Were A Movie, Would You Want To Go See It?
4. How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life

It’s too vague and elusive.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo courtesy lilit

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Last week I announced the addition of a new area here at Simple Marriage – Free Marriage Courses.

The launch began with a course on Communication in Marriage.

Now there are two new courses:

Let’s Talk About Sex and

Family Life and Parenting.

Follow this link to find out more.

Enjoy.

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

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1. What Do You Know About Sex?
2. 13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex
3. How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life
4. Build a Better Marriage by Having Sex

This ask the readers question was posed at the beginning of summer. It received some great responses.

Now I’d like to narrow the replies down even more … to one word.

So here you go -

In one word,

Marriage is …

Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7

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1. Could Too Much Sex Negatively Impact Your Marriage?
2. 8 Principles for a Zen Marriage
3. If Your Marriage Were A Movie, Would You Want To Go See It?
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One of the problems in our daily lives is that many of us rush through the day, with no time for anything … and when we have time to get a bite to eat, we gobble it down.

That leads to stressful, unhealthy living.

And with the simple but powerful act of eating slower, we can begin to reverse that lifestyle immediately. How hard is it? You take smaller bites, you chew each bite slower and longer, and you enjoy your meal longer.

It takes a few minutes extra each meal, and yet it can have profound effects.

As we head into the Holiday season, where food is often prevalent, if you slow down when you eat, you could find the Holidays more enjoyable.

You may have already heard of the Slow Food Movement, started in Italy almost two decades ago to counter the fast food movement. Everything that fast food is, Slow Food isn’t.

If you read the Slow Food Manifesto, you’ll see that it’s not just about health — it’s about a lifestyle. And whether you want to adopt that lifestyle or not, there are some reasons you should consider the simple act of eating slower:

1. Lose weight. A growing number of studies confirm that just by eating slower, you’ll consume fewer calories — in fact, enough to lose 20 pounds a year without doing anything different or eating anything different. The reason is that it takes about 20 minutes for our brains to register that we’re full. If we eat fast, we can continue eating past the point where we’re full. If we eat slowly, we have time to realize we’re full, and stop on time. Now, I would still recommend that you eat healthier foods, but if you’re looking to lose weight, eating slowly should be a part of your new lifestyle.
2. Enjoy your food. This reason is just as powerful, in my opinion. It’s hard to enjoy your food if it goes by too quickly. In fact, I think it’s fine to eat sinful foods, if you eat a small amount slowly. Think about it: you want to eat sinful foods (desserts, fried foods, pizza, etc.) because they taste good. But if you eat them fast, what’s the point? If you eat them slowly, you can get the same amount of great taste, but with less going into your stomach. That’s math that works for me. And that argument aside, I think you are just happier by tasting great food and enjoying it fully, by eating slowly. Make your meals a gastronomic pleasure, not a thing you do rushed, between stressful events.
3. Better digestion. If you eat slower, you’ll chew your food better, which leads to better digestion. Digestion actually starts in the mouth, so the more work you do up there, the less you’ll have to do in your stomach. This can help lead to fewer digestive problems.
4. Less stress. Eating slowly, and paying attention to your eating, can be a great way to be in the moment, rather than rushing through a meal thinking about what you need to do next. When you eat – just eat. Give it a try.
5. Rebel against fast food and fast life. Our hectic, fast-paced, stressful, chaotic lives — the Fast Life — leads to eating Fast Food, and eating it quickly. This is a lifestyle that is dehumanizing us, making us unhealthy, stressed out, and unhappy. We rush through our day, doing one mindless task after another, without taking the time to live life, to enjoy life, to relate to each other, to be human. That’s not a good thing in my book. Instead, rebel against that entire lifestyle and philosophy … with the small act of eating slower. Don’t eat Fast Food. Eat at a good restaurant, or better yet, cook your own food and enjoy it fully. Taste life itself.
6. Improve your relationships. It’s amazing how a simple thing like eating slower can improve your relationships. When you eat with your spouse, or family, or friends – slow down, enjoy your food and the company. Talk. Laugh. Tell stories. In other words, share your life with others. A good meal with people you love can work wonders for your life … and theirs.

Photo courtesy ginnerobot

Adapted from Leo of Zen Habits

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1. To Bring 5% More Happiness To My Relationships…

I am excited to announce the first Free Marriage Course is now available.

“What exactly is a free marriage course?” you ask. Click on the banner at the top of the sidebar or here to find out more.

There will be more in the coming weeks.

If there is a particular topic you’d like addressed, let us know in the comments.

Enjoy.

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It’s easy to get caught up in the midst of the moment when it comes to parenting.

Even now as I write this my 4 year old daughter is throwing a fit because I will not help her do something she’s perfectly capable of doing herself.

If I take the bait of engaging in this showdown, I risk getting lost in the moment and losing focus on the end result – launching a self-sustaining adult.

Granted this launch is many years away, but parenting is easier when you keep the end result in mind.

It is safe to say that we all have fantasies about how our children will turn out.

There’s the dream of visiting them after they’re married and successful. You get to play with the grandchildren, bask in the warmth of the family time and reminisce about the wonderful experiences growing up together.

There are other times however when these dreams turn to nightmares. You see all the potential traps out there and are afraid they will fall victim to one or more of them.

At the basic level, forgetting all the wants you have for your child’s future for a moment, successful parenting can be measured by asking yourself one question. After your kids are grown and out of school, ask yourself this: are they taxpayers? That’s it.

If you can answer this with a yes, you did a great job.

If you keep end result in mind, you can better disengage in the moment during battles in order to focus on long term goals.

This is not a “sit back and hope for the best” style of parenting. Passivity is rarely the way to go. When you keep your main values and principles in mind as you parent, you’ll parent from the best in you. Not the emotionally reactive part of you.

I continue to get a great testing of this idea as I write, since my 4 year old is continuing her tantrum. I can feel my anxieties rising as I want to engage the situation and do it for her. By the way, the issue surrounding her tantrum, taking off one set of clothes in order to put on pajamas. Something she’s accomplished on her own many times before.

When I can calm down and soothe my anxieties, I can freely and rationally choose what to do next. In this case, she’s on her own.

With the end result in mind, the moments that come along as parents can be viewed with a better perspective.

And wouldn’t you know it, she just just came out of her room with her pajamas on!

Want more?

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A Simple Marriage Community member proposed a topic for further discussion:

What are some ways you can take a few moments from your day to focus on your spouse and do something for them that they will appreciate?

Great question.

Care to join us over on the forum and add your thoughts?

You can click here to go directly to this discussion. Plus, while you’re there, join in the other discussions if you wish.

Hope to see you there.

Photo courtesy Hamed Saber

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Editor’s Note: This post is adapted from Simple Marriage contributor Mary Ann Crossno.

The goal of Simple Marriage is to present the complexities of marriage that few of us understand in a simple manner that all can apply. Some basic premises that guide our thinking are

• Human potential is shaped by human interaction.
• Relationships are a tool designed by God to refine us.
• Marriage, used properly, is a people growing machine.

In every post we’re looking for a way to shed light on the knowable, observable, predictable patterns of behavior that shape relationships – to make the covert, overt. Once you gain awareness that your behavior and your spouse’s behavior echo universal themes across millennia, it’s easier to focus your energy on changing and growing more self.

Think of relationships as embedded in nature – once you know that there are four seasons in every year and that it’s cold in winter and hot in summer, it’s easier to change your clothes than it is to change the season. In fact, it’s not possible to change the season – and it’s also not possible to change your spouse – or anyone else you know and love. It’s only possible to change yourself.

Here’s the new version of the Serenity Prayer, designed to reflect these thoughts. Instead of Serenity Prayer, I call it the Power of One. [Open a printable, color copy to post as a daily reminder]

GOD GRANT ME
THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE PEOPLE I CANNOT CHANGE
THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE ONE I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW -
THAT ONE IS ME.

Dr. John Gottman has conducted years of research and has identified communication styles that predict the end of a marriage relationship, called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in marriage. (If you’re not familiar with Biblical references, the Four Horsemen are a metaphor for conquest, war, hunger, and death associated with the end times.)

In marriage – the four horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Contempt is the most lethal of the four. It’s the acid rain on a marriage, withering affection and destroying hope. So for a simple marriage, you simply have to get rid of these – and contempt has to go first.

The first destructive horseman in a relationship is criticism. Understanding the difference between criticizing and complaining is more than semantics, because criticism is the slippery slope that slides into contempt.

Criticisms creep in when complaints are ignored. Criticisms are global attacks on character and worth that target the shortcomings of the other. Complaints are objective statements of unmet needs. An effective complaint is one that

1. Starts softly, with a request for help
   - I need your help.
2. Observes an action or behavior
   - When there are stacks of mail on the kitchen table and counters,
3. States the impact of that action or behavior
   - I react badly to the clutter.
4. Defines the desired change in behavior
   - I’d like to keep the kitchen table and counters clear.
5. Asks for input as to how to achieve the outcome
   - What are you willing to do to help have a less cluttered kitchen and a calmer me?

The second horseman is contempt. Contempt is intentionally abusing your spouse – verbally, emotionally, and psychologically. Contempt expresses the complete absence of any admiration and is delivered with insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, and body language. Contempt is toxic and its presence is an indication of a disintegrating marriage. It must be eliminated.

If criticism and contempt are a regular part of your relational style, think about counseling to help you take a different shape. These two horsemen grew up in childhood wounds such as parental criticism, shaming, belittling or excessive demands.

The third horseman is defensiveness. It’s a natural reaction to being criticized or treated contemptuously. It’s also a way of sidestepping responsibility. If we are ignoring complaints, failing to contribute creative solutions, those complaints are likely to become criticisms which we naturally want to defend against. Remember the mantra:

Don’t attack. Don’t defend. Don’t Withdraw.

Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. Stay present, especially when the going gets rough.

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. When we stonewall, we avoid the hard work of growing up, either because we are unaware of our own feelings or because we are afraid of conflict. Rather than dealing directly with the issue or with our partner, we check out by tuning out, turning away, engaging in busyness or obsessive behaviors. We simply stop relating to the most important people in our lives.

Dr. Gottman’s research clearly demonstrates that conflict is not the cause of unhappy marriages – happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. It’s how conflict is handled that makes the difference between a disaster or master marriage.

Most couples wait for six years – SIX YEARS!!!!! - after they know their relationship is in serious trouble before they seek counseling. Evidence continues to mount that both individual and family therapy save money by cutting health expenditures, reducing employee absenteeism and boosting productivity.

Start where you are in your relationship. Use the tools you have – blogs, books, therapists, coaches. Do what you can to take responsibility for your part by becoming the best YOU you can be.

To repeat - Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

If you need anything from us, just let us know.

Photo courtesy Dylerpillar

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Related posts:

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Two weeks ago I presented Simple Marriage readers with the opportunity to be one of 2 couples selected for 3 free marriage coaching sessions. The response – 63 couples threw their name in the hat for consideration. I then followed up with a request for the couples to send me a brief email listing three things they would like to work on were they to be one of the 2 couples selected. This time 36 couples responded.

I spent the weekend going over the emails and sorting through the lists. Due to the number of responses I have not yet determined who the 2 couples will be but I will do so in the next day or so. By the way- if you are one of the two couples you’ll be notified via email.

Due to the great response, I’d like to throw out an idea to you for your consideration. There are many couples who replied and stated that communication was one of the three things they’d like to work on. I’m not going to offer free marriage coaching to everyone who is interested, after all, I’d like to be able to feed my kids.

But what if I offered a free 90-minute teleclass for all those interested in learning a few ways to look at and simplify marital communication? Just a thought – tell me what you think in the comments below.

Now that the announcements are complete, pardon me while clear my ranting throat …

I feel I must get this off my chest and it has to do with the idea of working on your marriage before there’s a problem or crisis.

To date, I’ve offered free marriage and life coaching twice to a total of 6 couples/people.

A little background. Simple Marriage began as a site aimed at helping married people experience more in their marriage and life. It’s not a therapy site, it’s not even a coaching site. It’s an amp your marriage by simplifying things in order to get more out of life site (BTW, I checked to see if this web address was available at the time, it was, but it seemed too long).

Since my training is as a marriage and family therapist, I’m happy to offer tips and point people in the direction of counseling when life or marriage are in crisis. I’m also happy to be a resource that helps you find a good therapist – incidentally, now if you have a webcam, you can work with me if you’d like. More on this here.

Anyway, I full believe that marriage is something that can add tremendous value, passion, and adventure, not to mention fantastic sex, to life. I also know that a vast majority of marriages fall into the monotonously married category. There’s really nothing wrong, but then again, there’s really nothing great. Life has become a series of routines. Routine work, calendars, interactions, conversations, sex, and on it goes.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can create a marriage fully alive. I’ve seen it happen. In fact, I’m living it currently. Sure there’s still conflict and struggle. But the good far outweighs the bad.

Now back to the free coaching stuff. I’ve offered this to 6 couples/people thus far and what boggles my mind, 2 people have followed through and actually gone through the coaching process! 2!

I completely get that people will reach out for assistance when things are blowing up around them. When there’s a crisis and you risk losing everything, sure you’re going to seek out anything that can help you survive. But what about before that? What about the idea of experiencing more?

There’s the disconnect.

We get one shot at this life. Why not get everything we can out of it? What if every relationship you had in your life was fully alive? What if you were fully alive? It’d be pretty cool, right?

Well it can happen.

What do you think?

Photo courtesy “abnelphoto.com&qu ot;

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Related posts:

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