One question that I’m asked more than any other is “How do I increase my sex drive when it’s just not there?”

For 14 years, this was the issue that plagued me, so I love sharing some keys to my turnaround.

First let’s ask, Why should we even care about having sex when we’re NOT in the mood. Shouldn’t we just be able to roll with our mood?

Well, yes and no. Here’s why.

Because how you “do sex” is how you do anything.

It’s how you live your life. It’s how you serve others. It’s how you respect yourself. It’s how you are either ruled by your emotions, or you triumph over them.

Who you practice being in your most intimate life is a huge factor in how you truly see yourself.

Plus, if you are married, your body does not strictly belong to you. It belongs to you and your mate. If you live a life based on your own mood than you are not living in the joyful awareness of the power of giving your most intimate self. You miss out on the ecstasy of the deepest giving and receiving.

So why bother if you don’t want to? Because living according to our own lowest level of energy is contagious. When we fail to master our sex life, it is difficult to live in true victory in the more outward arenas of career and family.

Keep in mind, I’m not JUST talking about stirring up desire that isn’t there, I’m talking about focusing a sex drive that may be all over the place.

The point is to revive the passion in your own marriage.

So how?

1. Realize that a sexually energized state is your healthy normal state.

Have you ever seen an athlete performing flawlessly – making extremely difficult sports look easy? We often say they do that because they are “in the zone.” But in reality – “the zone” is simply the place of your full potential, minus all the interferences that try to throw off your game. It’s an addicting state -here you are at once completely present, relaxed and energized and loving what you do.

Feeling sexually alive, responsive and connected is “the zone” for a passionate spouse. Just as powerful athletes rise to their self-image, so do powerful lovers.

So Key #1 is to see your self as sexually confident and responsive.

2. Recognize the Interferences – and your power to master them

We often think that our spouse is the reason that we have lost our sex drive. After all, who can be aroused by a mate who sulks or nags or looks a certain way, right? Or perhaps we figure low libido is just a mysterious problem we have – and our hormones are off. But in reality, our hormones are very much affected by our mindset.

Interference to a loving libido is really the negative energy that is created by our thoughts, beliefs and emotions. We can learn to master that energy – even when these feelings are more conditioned responses than intellectual decisions.

3. Master your energy about sex itself.

Sometimes just the thought of having sex is exhausting to us. It seems like work instead of pleasure, or it seems dirty or boring. We have experiences that play into our story about sex. Again, it’s probably more unconscious than anything, but by tuning in to what you’re really feeling, you can recognize your emotions and change your state.

4. Master your energy about your own self-image

We live in a crazy world that bombards us with messages of what is sexy, what is beautiful, what makes us worthy and why we are or are not “good enough” to deserve love and pleasure. It is impossible to consistently act in a way that is inconsistent with the way you see yourself, so it may be time to change your story about your own sexiness. You can offer self- love and acceptance right now, and enjoy all the sexy rewards of such grace.

5. Master your energy about your mate.

Obviously if just looking at your mate turns your stomach but you know that you want an intimate connection, then you have conflict. The fact is, it’s easier to change your sexual response than to change your mate! When you acknowledge your feelings and accept yourself in spite of them, you can move closer to forgiveness, and a whole new way of seeing your mate. This is arousing.

So those are 5 Keys to taking charge of your sex drive and feeling great on demand. YOU deserve to have really great sex. You deserve to bond with your mate like never before. You deserve to celebrate a love life that is sizzling, sexy and sacred.

If you think this is a nice start, but you’d like to actually EXPERIENCE a shift in your erotic energy, than be sure to check out The Sexy Marriage Solution. You can follow along to the videos and feel the difference, with the technique that turned my sex drive around – after 14 years of struggle!

Click Here to Discover the Sexy Marriage Solution

Gina is an international speaker, performance coach, wife, mother of four, and a champion for the Sexy Marriage. Check out the Sexy Marriage Solution to help turn your sex life around (or on).

How to have great sex when you’re not in the mood is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Lighter Side: Heart On Your Sleeve is a post from: Simple Marriage
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There are also times when things can get stale or routine.

That’s when you need to up the “sexy” factor between you.

I’m not saying you need to have more sex (like that’s a bad thing), I’m saying you need to add a touch of spice and energy between you.

How?

Glad you asked.

This is exactly what we’re discussing in Episode 20 of Sexy Marriage Radio.

—-> Sexy Marriage Moves

Enjoy.

Let us know how it goes.

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Sexy Marriage Moves is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Only a few days left to enroll in this session of Blow Up My Marriage.

A common battle is a post from: Simple Marriage
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We’re almost a month into a new year (man, time flies), and this year may have started out great … or maybe not.

Perhaps there’s been a chronic tension in your life or your marriage for months, and your hope that the new year would some how alter things hasn’t come true.

You and your spouse may have reached the level of co-existing for a while together. And when friends or family come into the picture you have to “put on a show,” as if everything’s okay.

Only, everything’s not okay. It downright sucks.

It may not be to the level of divorce or separating, but you don’t want the relationship to continue the way it is.

Or maybe things are so bad you, or your spouse, have been having serious thoughts of ending the marriage.

But it’s not that easy to simply chuck it all.

You’ve built a life together. You own a lot of things. And then there’s the kids.

Once again, Simple Marriage is offering an online class aimed at helping you transform your life and your marriage.

Blow Up My Marriage will be opening its doors again for the winter session.

Click here to enroll —-> Now closed.

If you’re not sure what this class is, it’s a radically different way to view what goes on in marriage.

You can read more details here.

Here’s what a couple of prior class participants say about this course:

The lessons have been eye openers for me on several occasions. The course has changed my perspective on conflict and its dynamics, and I have changed my behavior as a result. ~ M.Z.

For me, the final lesson pretty much summed up all that was/is going wrong with myself, my marriage and my life. Wow. I suddenly see very clearly where I’m taking the wrong turns. My whole life – my ideas for writing and business, my marriage, my sex life – had pretty much turned into “masturbation” – watching, doing things only in my mind, for myself, not “showing” anything to the world, avoiding rejection and risk.

“Penetrating the world” is a very powerful image for me and my way forward. Thanks. ~ M.A.

The winter session is enrolling now!

Closed.

There are limited spots available and if the history of this class is correct it will sell out again.

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What if things blew up and became dramatically better? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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There’s a popular belief that once a person gets married, everything will be smooth sailing.

Romance will naturally occur, your spouse will be your best friend, and there will be plenty of “Hallmark” moments between you.

If you’ve been married any length of time you know this simply isn’t true.

One of the main problems many couples face in marriage is they create a marriage that’s too close. They strive to capture the illusion of what they thought it would be like in the beginning by getting closer to each other.

This creates a fused relationship.

In a fused relationship system, your options for getting your needs met are limited to the people within the system, or to the ways people in the system approve of (read that sentence again).

When couples co-create a co-dependent relationship in which they strive to complete each other, they kill any chance of having any kind of evolving, passionate, fulfilling relationship.

The more couples become fused, the more they resent each other, try to change each other, push each other away, lose interest in each other, lose sexual passion, blame each other, and fantasize about escaping.

I believe that a majority of problems people experience in their marriage are the result of fusion.

In a fused system there is no “I”, only “we”.

There is an expectation that everyone should think alike, behave the same, have the same opinions, and want the same things. It is assumed that each member of the system will be there to meet the needs of every other member.

When this happens, the neediest and/or most anxious members of the system usually dictate how much pressure there is to conform and sacrifice self in a “Borg-like” manner.

Shortly after I begin working with a couple I ask them, “Do you believe that the source of the problems you’re experiencing currently are the result of you both being too far apart (living separate lives or drifting apart) or too close together (fused)?”

Without fail, the couple will reply – too far apart.

I then propose that it’s the opposite. That actually they’re too close together and that is what is creating all the problems.

If the couple will accept this view and begin to explore it more in detail as it plays out their marriage, they will begin to see dramatic improvement in their lives.

Fused systems fear change of any kind.

They also exist in a state of constant anxiety.

These rigid systems don’t like individuality, space, passion, integrity, or members having close friends outside of the system. They are characterized by guilt, covert contracts, emotional eruptions, passive-aggressiveness, isolation, secrets, hidden behaviors, and rebellion.

Also, unrealistic expectations are rampant in fused systems. Like these:

• Because you are my son, you should always be there to listen to my problems whenever I am sad or lonely.
• Because you are my boyfriend, you should always answer the phone when I call you.
• Because you are my girlfriend, you should never talk to other men.
• Because you are my husband, you should want to be around me as much as I want to be around you.
• Because you are my wife, you should want to have sex as often as I want to have it with you.
• Because a clean house is important to me, it should be just as important to you.
• Because I sacrifice so much for you, you should always appreciate me and never get mad at me.
• Because I work so hard to provide for our family you shouldn’t count on me to help out around the house.

Members of the system have to “push-back” to have space and hold on to themselves in any significant way. This often leads to acting out and self-destructive behavior (the reason most couples seek out therapy).

For example, one spouse in a fused system might want the other to lose weight. Even if it would be in the best interest for that person to drop a few pounds, they will have to push back (this is called “disengagement”). This is an unconscious attempt to avoid losing self to their partner’s control (they have probably been doing this since childhood), and to prevent their partner from “winning”.

Scoreboarding is actually rampant in marriages.

It’s the idea that since I did something for you and our marriage, you should return the favor to me. It’s the classic exchange based principles.

The simple truth – marriage (and life) is not fair. If you go into a relationship expecting your generosity, gifts, strengths, love, passion, etc. to be reciprocated in kind, you’re going to wind up severely disappointed or angry.

Plus, if you enter into a discussion or issue with the idea that you should win, then what does that make your spouse? A loser. And who wants to be married to a loser?

A mature adult is someone who takes responsibility for getting their needs met.

Let’s build upon this idea. Mature, growing people co-create a number of cooperative systems to help them do this. An intimate relationship is just one of these cooperative systems.

Great marriages are the result of two mature, grown up people – both of whom have full, satisfying lives – cooperating with each other to get their needs met. In this kind of differentiated relationship, each partner compliments the other, but doesn’t complete them.

It is this kind of commitment to living a full life that helps maintain the growth in a relationship that is so important for attraction, passion, energy and great sex.

For more on this idea, consider joining Blow Up My Marriage. Enrollment begins this week.

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Is Your Marriage Too Close? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Have you ever felt like your family takes you for granted? I know I have. In most households, there is one parent who does a majority of the parenting – the dominant parent responsible for enforcing the rules and routines of the house. This happens naturally for whichever parent spends the most time with the kids.

In our family, that’s me – I work as a freelance writer from home, so it makes sense that I’m the one guiding them through homework routines and – to make a long list short – managing the house.

This role is difficult in any family – and if you’re a step parent doing the work, you’ll probably face additional challenges. Expert James T. Kirsch, M.S., LPC, NCC, Board Certified Clinical Psychotherapist, offered some suggestions to put this role in perspective.

“The first thing I can tell you is it is unavoidable that your role is not always sunshine and roses,” Kirsch said.

That’s definitely true. My step children love me – but because of the way our blended family is set up, there are challenges. They will hopefully appreciate my involvement in the future – maybe when they have their own children – but until then, I have to remind myself not to worry if they don’t appreciate me as a parent now.

Tips to make a step parent’s dominant parenting role easier

Rely on the biological parent to demand respect. He could say something like, “I know I’m not home a lot, but your step mom will be watching you, and I want you to respect her as you would me.” If the step kids are not respecting you when the bio parent is gone, say something like, “That’s disrespectful. I don’t like it, and your dad won’t be happy about it either.”

Be your own person – as well as a step parent. Don’t get burned out. Ask for help and make time to do things you love. Stay in touch with your friends and do interesting things.

Hold family meetings. Plan for the week ahead and discuss expectations of the children’s behavior, especially when related to interacting with their step parent.

Believe your feelings matter. Even if the step kids don’t feel that making their bed is important, as the leader in the home, if you feel it is – speak up. Work out all problems – no matter how small – and don’t let a bad feeling fester.

Make expectations crystal clear. This is something both biological and step parents can utilize. If you ask them to do their homework, add something like, “Here’s what I expect,” and go through the steps. You can finish by asking, in a nice way, “Is that clear for you?”

Remember: It’s not personal. Children have a tendency to respect their biological parents first – and their step-parents second. So it is by design and not by you as a person that the role is difficult to begin with.

Being a step parent is challenging – and rewarding – just like it is for biological parents. When faced with the difficult job of setting and enforcing house rules, remind yourself that backlash from the kids isn’t personal. Rely on your spouse to validate your place in the family and keep your chin up. The sun rises after a bad day and, just when you need them, the roses bloom.

How do you overcome hurt feelings as a step parent?

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6 Tips for Step Parents in a Dominant Parenting Role is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Let’s go on a journey together.

Think back to the first time you saw your spouse. Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with? Do you remember?

Now, think about what most impressed you about them at that moment.

Maybe she had a beautiful smile.  Maybe he had incredible blue eyes. Maybe it was her laugh. Maybe it was his dance moves.

With first impressions, it’s typically something physical that’s first appealing.

Now fast-forward just a bit to when you were dating. As you got to know your future spouse better, what impressed you? Was it her intellect? Was it his passion for the arts? Think about what really electrified you about your partner.

When dating, you’re constantly looking for the good in one another. It’s natural then, to share those observations in the form of compliments.

Maybe those compliments even came out in the form of frequent love letters, poems written just for them, or even singing telegrams.

In fact, the word “compliment” just doesn’t do justice to the lengths you took to make sure they knew you liked and admired them.

Then Comes Marriage…

After the honeymoon starts to make way for the routine of a normal life, somehow the love letters and the ballads start to decline. It’s natural.

But this is the key difference between having true romance in marriage or not.

Now, let’s think about the present. Think about your spouse. Think of all the great things he or she does. Really take time to see the things they do well.

Why Candid Compliments

I heard once that you should give your partner a sincere, genuine compliment at least once a day. It’s much easier said than done, that’s for sure.

I don’t feel it has to be every day. The last thing you want is another routine you have to follow. You don’t want giving compliments to be associated with heading off to work, taking out the garbage, and doing the dishes.

I think giving a real, meaningful compliment as often as you can is the best.

But why should we do this?

Reasons for Genuine Compliments

First, it’s all about taking the time. To give your spouse a genuine compliment, you’ve got to take the time to actually think about them. It requires you being mindful. It means slowing down from the normal routine of life and thinking about the person you’re sharing that life with.

Next, it requires looking for the good in them. Too often we get caught up in seeing all of the petty quirks that bother us about our partner. Leaving the cap off the toothpaste anyone?

By looking to share a compliment, we overlook the small things and focus on the important things.

Next, being able to give a solid compliment tells your spouse a lot of things. Obviously they hear the nice observation you just made but it goes deeper than that. It tells them you’re thinking about them. It tells them you’re focused on them. And that brings a level of satisfaction and deepens trust.

Finally and most importantly, it keeps you from taking your marriage for granted. By seeking to give a sincere compliment often, it will grow your admiration and love for each other.

Now as you go forward on your journey with your spouse, take time to remember why you love and admire them. And then tell them! Don’t keep those nice thoughts a secret!

What are your thoughts on giving compliments to your loved one?

The Power of the Candid Compliment is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Lighter Side: More Communication is a post from: Simple Marriage
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January 14th is my 40th wedding anniversary.

I was 17 and pregnant when I got married. I was mom to four little girls by age 22 (my third pregnancy was twins).

The odds were stacked against us.

The first 10 years were filled with drama and insanity. We talked about going our separate ways. Deep down we knew we never would.

We knew there had to be a better way.

A friend suggested we seek professional help.

We overcame the fear of change, the fear of getting real, with ourselves and with each other, and the fear of getting professional help.

In 1982, every Wednesday night for six months, we hired a babysitter, drove 45 minutes to town, and paid $50 an hour out of pocket to see a therapist.

We were ready for change, we let go of blame, excuses and took responsibility. We were willing to look at the good, the bad, and the ugly. Our therapist would give us homework. We never missed a lesson.

The secret to a loving relationship is to do the work it takes to grow lovingly and peacefully into the future.

We learned to take down emotional barriers, open up and reveal our true selves, and do away with long silences. We learned to choose to be happy over needing to be right. We learned how to be good friends.

Most importantly we learned to forgive.

Today we know how to work together and be together. We know how to give each other space and trust each other. We know how to have fun, play, and be adventurous together.

We also argue, blame, get mad, forgive and begin again.

When it’s difficult, we take it slow. We take a time-out, walk away, get centered, and look within for the answers. When it’s difficult, we lean on each other.

You don’t have to wait for tomorrow to be again. Every moment is a clean slate.

When it’s easy we celebrate. Over time, you learn how to do “easy.” The other is too exhausting.

Once you commit to the end, there’s a certainty, a knowingness that brings inner peace and peace to the relationship.

The following tips when practiced will help you have a long and healthy relationship.

Kindness creates a mood of love.
Make a decision to be kind. Set a loving intention each morning. Use your manners. Look at each other with loving eyes. Love is a choice. The more love you choose, the more joy you feel.

Let go of fear.
?Love is letting go of fear. Learn to trust each other and count on each other. Know when to speak up and when to calm down. Open your hearts and offer each other a sense of safety. That’s how trust grows.

Your partner isn’t the source of your pain.
?You are 100% responsible for your relationship. If your partner is abusive, you’re responsible for “being” there. Get help and do what you have to do. Give up blame and learn to be accountable.

Focus on changing your own annoying habits.
It bothers me when my husband eats too fast. I only need to focus myself. Drop your attack thoughts. Add the words, “Just like me,” to anything you want to accuse your mate of doing. For example, “You eat too fast” changes to, “You eat too fast, just like me.”

Make forgiveness a way of life.
Think of yourself as a forgiving person. Grow into it. You can’t experience love when your heart and mind are full of hate. Let go of hurt and resentment.

Give up the pain of the past. It’s impossible to have a loving relationship without forgiveness. Impossible! Turn your burdens into blessings.

Create a spirit of unity.
Learn to ask for and receive love. Give more than you receive. The more love you share, the more love you have. Point all of your actions to love. Believe the best is yet to come.

Create room for intimacy and sex.
Turn off your electronics and spend quality time alone. Intimacy can be described as, “the ability to open up and reveal your true self or in-to-me-see.”

When you create intimacy in your relationship, sex is filled with meaning and love.

Seek help.
If these steps seem to difficult, reach out and get help. Don’t use money ask an excuse. If you have to scrub toilets or collect garbage for extra cash, do it. Your marriage is sacred. Learn to value it above all else, never let it fall apart or die.

Tess Marshall is the founder of The Bold Life and author of the new ecourse (just launched this week), Take Your Fear and Shove It.

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How to commit to the end is a post from: Simple Marriage
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