To begin, I want to send a thank you to those of you who have sent me emails and left comments in support of Simple Marriage and our goal of fundamentally changing the culture of marriage. Your support means a lot.

Second, I want to let you in on my thinking about things as we’ve progressed the past week.

The response from people has been good, but I’ve got some concern as to how good the response really is. After all, there were only 2 comments on the second post discussing the coming shift (our email list and readership is pretty big, so this number was discouraging).

But then I checked the survey we’ve been running as part of this (you know, the one where I’m willing to bribe you for your input, it’s not too late to be involved BTW) and the answers given in the surveys show we’re exactly on the right path with this shift.

I’m truly grateful for the insight and thoughtful responses given thus far in the survey. And I’ll be sending along the bribe later this week.

But, along the way we’ve encountered a huge problem that could bring this shift to a screeching halt.

The main shift in jeopardy involves the plans for relaunching Blow Up My Marriage (or this “thing” we’re creating) as a cutting edge, tremendously valuable, will bring about improvement and dramatic change to your marriage and life with ongoing support and encouragement to ensure the improvements last.

So I need your help and feedback (especially those who’ve joined our “virtual creation group”) …

What we’re talking about creating has generated some great buzz already. It even has brought about several people already contacting me about wanting to partner in the development of this “thing.” I’m honored.

But since what we’re talking about creating is something revolutionary in the marriage and family help-world, I’m hesitant to jump in with both feet too soon. I want to be sure it’s something that truly helps marriages and people. This will be more than just a class or manifesto or PDF report (if it were something this simple, I’d just release it and see what happens).

Instead, this will be something revolutionary.

Something that takes the technology of today (both online and offline) and combines it with the theory and practices of great marriages and delivers it in real time with ongoing support both online and offline. In other words, it will use all the resources available to help you create a rock solid marriage that lasts!

Does that make sense?

So right now, we’re considering slowing down the creation of this “thing” (unless we get solid validation that you think this is useful and valuable for your situation).

I just want to make sure we’re on the right track before we get too far down the road.

So here’s what I’m asking you to do.

Step 1, click here to join our “virtual creation group” and complete the survey that goes along with it (if you haven’t already).

Step 2, leave a comment below letting us know if this “thing” is something you could see using at some point in your marriage. Just a sentence letting us know what you think will be fine.

That’s it. If there’s enough positive feedback in the comments and survey, we’ll continue this shift and make this “thing.” If there isn’t, then we’ll go back to the drawing board.

~ Corey

P.S. We’re relying 100% on word of mouth. So if you know someone who could benefit from what we’re creating, please let them know about this post.

P.P.S. And again, if you think what we’re doing is cool, then please consider sharing this post on Facebook, Twitter, or G+.

I’m needing your help is a post from: Simple Marriage
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In the 1950s, social psychologist and philosopher Erich Fromm wrote a groundbreaking book, The Art of Loving: An Enquiry into the Nature of Love.

This book presents a refreshingly non-Disney theory about this thing we call love.

Unlike most self-help books, The Art of Loving does not presume to have any straightforward answers about your own relationships. Instead, it discusses love philosophically such that you can take from the book what you find most helpful.

Here are a few ideas from this work that changed the way I relate to other people, in particular my family and spouse.

1. Mature love is union under the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’s individuality.

There’s a difference between superficial love and mature love. Mature love does not lose itself in another person, but rather fuses with another person while still maintaining a sense of individuality. When a couple is so engrossed in each other that they do not strive to improve themselves, but are only obsessed with serving or dominating their partner, this is dependence, and not love.

In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one yet remain two.

2. Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love.

One of the most important points that Fromm makes about love is that true, mature love is one in which the loved person is not possessed. If you truly love your partner (or child or friend), then you sincerely wish for them what they want for themselves - whether it’s a better job, an advanced degree, or a desire to pursue a new hobby. A good relationship is therefore one in which each partner takes an active interest in learning about each other as individuals and talking to them about their future goals and desires.

3. If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can only love others, he cannot love at all.

When we talk about love, we often talk about giving up and sacrificing. However, Fromm notes that true, mature love can only come from a loving orientation that does not distinguish between self and others. That is to say, you must work on a healthy, loving relationship to self before you can find within yourself the power to love others.

4. To love somebody is not just a strong feeling—it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

Perhaps the most important lesson about love from Fromm’s book is that true, mature love is, the type of love that lasts. This is not the popularly conceived “falling in love” but rather it’s a “standing in love.” If we conceive of love as not a feeling but rather an action, then we can actually focus on improving the way we love others – and the way we love ourselves.

Mariana Ashley is a freelance writer who particularly enjoys writing about online colleges.

(photo source)

4 Important Characteristics About Love is a post from: Simple Marriage
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First, I want to thank everyone who left encouraging comments in the previous post. Once again, the comments and emails I get from loyal Simple Marriage readers are payments in and of themselves.

Anyway, last time ended with a cliffhanger.

Two in fact.

So, let’s cover the second one.

Perhaps you already know about Blow Up My Marriage. But in case you haven’t heard, it’s a 16 week class that has impacted hundreds of people already in deep and lasting ways. The way this has been done is by presenting a radically different way to view marriage and relationships via an online class format.

This structure allows people to work through the class at their own pace, while giving time to fully digest and implement the material in their relationships.

On the surface this format has been successful. But it’s not enough.

I’m so confident that the concepts and ideas covered in Blow Up My Marriage can fundamentally change the culture of marriage that I don’t want to limit it to just 16 weeks. Plus, I want to offer more couples the chance to experience Blow Up My Marriage at any time, all the time.

To that end, there’s a shift coming.

BLOW UP MY MARRIAGE TAKES THE FUNDAMENTAL DYNAMICS AT PLAY IN EVERY MARRIAGE … AND GIVES YOU THE TOOLS TO USE THEM TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE GREAT

Simple Marriage’s main concept is that when you keep things simple, things get better. Our other foundational belief is that marriage is designed to help you grow up, not just make you happy.

These ideas are simple on the surface, but more difficult to apply on a deeper level.

So our goal is create a way to allow anyone/everyone who seriously wants to create something spectacular in their marriage the chance to do so via a step by step, from your own home, with total access and support process. Think spur of the moment, in the moment counseling/coaching/encouragement, right where you live.

To me, this eventually will be a total game changer.

We’ll be starting small. And we’ll be starting online. But eventually this process will involve offline offerings as well.

So, if you keep hanging around here for a while, if you watch closely you’ll see a grassroots marriage movement being created out of thin air. And over time, as you participate and get involved, you’ll experience dramatic improvements in your own relationships – plus get the chance to be pivotal in the improvements made in other’s relationships.

Put another way, you’ll take part in the formation and creation of this movement.
You’ll help decide what we do and what we don’t do.
And together, we’ll each experience all relationships have to offer.

Why the shift?

If Blow Up My Marriage and Simple Marriage have already been “successful,” why change things?

The reason, quite frankly, is that most of what’s on the market in the marriage help world is pseudo-help. It may help alleviate some pain or struggle on the surface, but the underlying message actually perpetuates, or exacerbates the issues.

I’m not totally dissing ALL the marriage help stuff out there, but it MUST be used with the proper perspective.

And another thing, most of the marriage gurus on the circuit are riding off into the sunset, towards the tail-end of life, winding down … or without sugar-coating it – old.

It’s time for the next generation of marriage leaders to rise up.

And it’s time for the marriage world to utilize and revolutionize the technology being used by most every household today.

While technology and social media has appeared to offer more connectedness, I think what’s actually happening is there are more marriages (and families) that are more alone together.

What if there was a way to use technology to help create meaningful, lasting, life changing marriages?

That is exactly where we’re heading!

What we’re doing differently.

Whenever people ask me what I do, my answer is, “I’m a marriage therapist who also blogs.” The distinction here is huge.

I don’t consider myself a blogger, or even really a writer. I’m a marriage therapist. A marriage coach. Or as one friend put it, “I’m a marriage artist, helping people sculpt masterpieces.” (I particularly like that one )

First and foremost Simple Marriage is a marriage improvement company.

But this means different things.

Do we produce improvement, enrichment material for couples to use before there’s any major issues? Do we offer resources to help couples navigate major issues that inevitably arise in marriage?

The short answer … yes.

What we are creating will actually do both, depending on your situation. And since you’ll be part of the creation of this “thing,” it’ll directly apply to you.

So what exactly are we developing?

One of the major issues marriages face today is the tendency to move things to the back burner, until there’s a problem. But by then, it may be too late.

One of you may realize there’s an issue or frustration, but neither of you say something.

Instead …

• You settle for roommate status together
• You settle on routine and loneliness together
• You settle for mediocre, occasional sex
• You settle for surface level, scheduling and co-parenting interactions

So we’re creating a revolutionary way for couples to not only improve (or save) their relationship, but also receive continued support and access to help ensure the improvements don’t stop.

If you find this idea intriguing, or at the very least you’re curious about it and want to know more, perhaps we can help each other out at this point.

1. Go here, enter your name and email address and hit “submit”
2. You’ll then be taken to a quick survey to give me your initial thoughts and feedback.

(If you’re already on the list, you can access the survey here)

That’s it. (When you opt-in you’ll get access to our “virtual creation group”, where you’ll get occasional behind the scenes stuff we’re not sharing on the blog, AND you’ll get something free in return (like one of our products/books, etc.- still to be determined))

Think of this as bribery if you like.

But I really want your opinion and input, and I’m willing to bribe you with stuff to get it.

~ Corey

P.S. We’re relying 100% on word of mouth. So if you know someone who could benefit from what we’re creating, please let them know about this post.

P.P.S. If you think what we’re doing is cool, then please consider sharing this post on Facebook, Twitter, or G+.

P.P.P.S. Several of you have emailed regarding the first cliffhanger, our looking for 2 people interested in creating a little fellowship of people looking to fundamentally change and dramatically improve the culture of marriage. Again, this will be addressed in more detail later (what? another cliffhanger! that stinks … I know)

So, what’s around the corner? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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In January 2008, Simple Marriage began as a place to spread a “be all marriage can be” message.

At that time I was writing a weekly column for a small town newspaper about marriage and family life and began posting the articles online as well. After only posting a few articles, people began finding them and reading, and more excitingly, commenting.

I was hooked.

I stopped writing for the paper and thanks to the medium of this blog, I was able to interact with people from all over the world and was invited into their lives and relationships on a regular basis (a honor I hold very dear).

To this day, the comments and emails I receive are payment for the time spent developing Simple Marriage into a trusted resource for marriage help.

Anyway, sometime during the summer of 2008 I told my wife, “Simple Marriage is going to be a major player in the marriage world. One day it will fundamentally shift and dramatically improve the culture of marriage.”

I’d like the say that so far we’ve radically changed marriages the world over … but we haven’t. Not yet.

Here’s what I think has gone well …

• In 2009 my first book/workbook, A Simple Marriage was published. At the end of 2010, Buck Naked Marriage was released. Both books have been well received and have helped lots of relationships.
• Two years into the evolution of Simple Marriage, 5 columnists came on board to help broaden the message and reach more people looking to improve their most vital relationship. That number grew to 8 a year later (then we realized that brought too many voices into the fold) so currently there are 3 other writers dedicated to helping people address and deepen various aspects of married life.
• Along the way I’ve written two manifestos that outline some major dynamics at work in every committed relationship.
• Through the course of writing Simple Marriage I’ve been blessed to become friends with many other bloggers and writers in the blogoshpere. This has allowed our message to spread to tens of thousands of others in a short timeframe. I’ve also been part of a group of other relationship bloggers born during this time, which is awesome to see other proponents of strong marriages.
• As for readership, Simple Marriage continues to be one of the largest marriage focused sites on the Internet.
• This year, teaming with a SM columnist Susanne Alexander, the Marriage Sparks eCourses have been rolling out. Currently there are 5 available. And each one will improve an aspect of your marriage in a relatively short time.
• And in the Fall of 2010, our flagship course Blow Up My Marriage began. To this day, I believe this is one of the most influential, marriage changing resources on the market. This class has impacted hundreds of people in its 2 years of existence.

So …

• We’ve spread a healthy marriage is important message, but we haven’t fundamentally changed the culture of marriage.
• We’ve provided a broader range and message for families and relationships, but we haven’t fundamentally changed the culture of marriage.
• We’ve grown our readership and presented the Simple Marriage message to tens of thousands of people, but we haven’t fundamentally changed the culture of marriage.
• We’ve helped couples on the brink of divorce transform their marriage and create something out of this world – which has fundamentally changed the culture of marriage (for these specific couples/people).

While I’m humbled by the success of Simple Marriage, and Blow Up My Marriage specifically, it’s not enough yet.

When you look at the world of marriage/relationship improvement resources on the Internet, much of what you find is either Hollywood gossip/tabloid sleaze that actually helps no one or people with a desire and heart for others, born out of prior struggles in their own lives. And while going through low points in marriage and surviving together is totally commendable and should be applauded and shared, there’s something to be said about professional training and perspectives that carries a certain amount of weight.

Thus far Simple Marriage has been more a blog than a business. And while we will continue to produce regular content and posts like a blog, I believe to become a major player in the marriage world and to fundamentally change the culture of marriage – some shifts need to happen.

So … this month some small shifts will occur.

In the past I’ve shared some of my desires and plans – to mixed responses: from being trashed to total support.

I’ve learned quite a lot during our journey together thus far (and I continually will). But at some point, everyone who truly wants to revolutionize something has to step out and take their shot.

So … this is me taking my shot.

To that end, I’m going to share with you a couple of the shifts we’d like to see happen.

One, we’re looking to bring on board 2 people interested in creating a little fellowship of people looking to fundamentally change and dramatically improve the culture of marriage. The 2 people will not be only columnists, instead we’re looking for 2 people interested in revolutionizing the way marriage help is created, offered, delivered, and presented.

To be qualified for one of these slots you’ll have to have some kind of credentialing in the relationship, self-improvement, people helping world. You also must have a strong take the ball and run with it nature as well as a creative and exceptional teacher/communicator. [more on this later]

And two, instead of offering print resources and marriage classes like we have in the past, we’ll be developing … [to be continued]

~ Corey

P.S. I’ll fill in the details for both these shifts in the coming days. Until then, feel free to speak up, vent, ask questions, even rip me up in the comments. All details will be filled in eventually, I promise.

Getting personal … Time for a shift is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Last week’s post, You’re already in the right relationship, generated some great comments and emails.

Apparently the ideas presented resonated with many of you.

I received several requests for a follow up that contains some concrete next steps or tips for taking the growing up process in marriage to the next level.

Unfortunately, there are no concrete steps that work for everyone, because as you know, marriage is not a one size fits all thing.

However, there are some principles and some dynamics already at play in every marriage that can be harnessed in order to help you create a marriage fully alive.

The best place to start is in the Simple Marriage Manifesto I wrote 2 years ago.

—->Click here to open or download the manifesto in PDF format.

Those of you looking for the next step … start here then let me know what you think and we’ll discuss more in the comments.

Have a great week.

Growing in your current relationship is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Lighter Side: Take it to the next level is a post from: Simple Marriage
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What does healthy growing up look like in marriage?

There are two challenges or dilemmas that have major roles in relationships.

The emotional reactivity/rationality challenge and the togetherness/separateness dilemma.

These two forces intermix in various and subtle ways to shape your relationship.

The togetherness/separateness force is a natural force much like the need plants have for sunshine or water. Every plant requires a certain level of sunlight for healthy development — too much sunshine will kill the plant and too little sunshine will lead to the plant’s death.

Marriages are the same in terms of togetherness and separateness. Too much togetherness or too little togetherness, depending on each individual’s need, will influence the health of the relationship.

When people need more togetherness than their spouse provides, they are more likely to be emotionally reactive and become less rational. When people need more separateness than their spouse provides, they will invent ingenious ways to achieve separateness.

Problems often arise when one wants (needs) togetherness at a time in which their spouse wants (needs) separateness.

Humans are condemned to be separate yet paradoxically to seek togetherness.

Many people enter marriage or committed relationships with the fantasy that they will nearly always get their togetherness and separateness needs fulfilled whenever they desire. Over time as they become more emotionally fused they are hurt whenever their spouse does not give them what they want.

Some gradually conclude that they will never get their needs fulfilled and thus begin to drift apart.

Those that do this miss the divineness of marriage as a place to grow more basic self.

They miss the many opportunities to manage their anxiety whenever their needs are not satisfied.

Know this: No spouse can provide just the right amount of togetherness or separateness.

Therefore, you must learn to self-soothe, to calm yourself, to manage your anxiety, and to self-validate. Then you become a better mate and in the process get a better marriage.

The sacredness of marriage is a great place to develop more basic self and to work on your own level of growing up.

In a nutshell: growing up is the ability to tolerate anxiety!

And no place tests your metal for tolerating anxiety like a committed relationship.

You know you have the spouse you need when you become anxious due to a simple look or comment like, “Why did you turn here?”

Much of the togetherness/separateness dilemma is influenced by one’s ability to self-validate, self-soothe, to be intimate with self, and to calm self.

People needing more togetherness than their spouse can provide set themselves up for being held hostage by their spouse.

Grown up people can tap into their own personal source for self-validation and self-intimacy rather than being dependent upon their spouse for validation and intimacy.

Most of us have been reared on a diet of other-validation and are very poor at self-validation.

Grown up people are more in charge of their own life needs and become less dependent upon others. At the same time, they can actually be more available to others because they operate out of more wholeness, rather than out of a state of deprivation.

In short, grown up people have more to give!

Deprivation creates a state that looks a great deal like slavery and takes away choices. Poorly-developed (fusion oriented) people need togetherness, rather than simply wanting to connect. Poorly-developed (individuation oriented) people also need separateness and cannot be close and intimate without needing to distance.

Too much togetherness or too much separateness creates anxiety.

And anxious people are not comfortable to be around.

The well-developed (i.e. grown up) person can be close to others while being a separate individual, all without becoming emotionally reactive. The well-developed individual can choose what emotions he/she wants to experience. Well-developed people are in charge of their emotions rather than their emotions being in charge of them. Well-developed individuals can be intimate and passionate without losing self.

Think of it this way: Those that cannot control themselves will seek to control everything around them.

If people get to where they can stand their ground with their spouse (or family of origin) and take the best shots their spouse (or family of origin) can deliver while calming and soothing themselves, they will find that the rest of the world shoots blanks.

The key is being able to self-validate and self-soothe when you feel that emotional reactivity about to rise.

You’ll feel a sense of being in charge of self and open an array of choices in responding when you’re calm and rational.

Growing up is the ability to tolerate pain for growth.

Growing up is the ability to fill your emptiness.

Well-developed people still have some degree of emptiness as emptiness is a part of the naturalness of life as a human.

Too much emptiness is the problem.

And emptiness is a result of too little spirituality.

Empty people tend to place undue and unrealistic expectations on others.

The safeguards against too much emptiness are basic self and spirituality.

To sum all this up: No one ever gets a better spouse than they are willing to lose.

If you are fearful of losing the relationship, you will stop the growth processes for both of you.

Thus the challenge is to work on growing yourself up – which frees your spouse to begin growing himself/herself up as well.

Divorce rarely leads to getting a better spouse, because a divorced person usually seeks out another partner that is at their former partner’s level of development.

People at like levels of growth attract each other.

You only get a better partner by improving your level of growth.

And the best place you can work on growing up is in your current relationship!

(photo source)

You’re already in the right relationship is a post from: Simple Marriage
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It’s natural to wonder why kids make bad choices, or what causes them to feel a certain way. A child in crisis might be confused by their actions, unable to communicate feelings they have yet to explore and understand.

As a parent, that’s hard to watch. We want to fix things for our kids, but life doesn’t always work like that. Feelings and perceptions after a divorce are intense. When stepparents enter the picture, life becomes even more complex for children. It’s easy to feel helpless when kids act out or make dangerous choices. You begin to realize their feelings and choices aren’t in your control at all.

Looking back …

I met my stepchildren when I was 21 years old; they were 3 and 4. I didn’t know anything about raising kids, even though I “knew everything.” I felt confident (naively) that I had a good grasp on life. I married Mr. Right with an attitude of: how hard can it be?

Ten years later, I’ve come to realize that parenting is the hardest job I’ve ever had. If you’re a parent, you probably know the feeling. I wasn’t prepared for the hard times to feel so personal, as if the children I cared for were attacking me and pushing me away. Approaching difficult situations with an objective mindset seemed impossible. Supposedly, I was the mature one, but some days, it didn’t feel like that.

Luckily, practice and patience has helped me grow up – and I believe in the mantra, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” My family has come a long way in developing our relationships with one another.

Hope in hard times

If you’re facing difficult behaviors or emotions in a blended family, I’ve found the best reaction is action. Ask yourself questions like:

• What can I do to help?
• Where can I turn for advice?
• When will I make time to work on this?
• How does my behavior affect what’s happening?
• Who else in our network can support a family member in crisis?

Explore the options from an objective standpoint; I’d recommend a good night’s sleep first. Also, remember growing up is hard – your children are not adults yet. Their minds are still developing.

Finding answers

Soul-searching in a time of crisis often requires humbling yourself. You may realize an idea you had didn’t work. You might see, for the first time, the impact your personal flaws have on your husband and kids.

This will not be easy.

But as time passes, you will be able to look back and see how far you’ve come, as a person and as a family. You will look forward and feel stronger from the difficult situations you have already overcome. Reflect on what happened – and then leave guilt behind you, where it belongs. Keep your focus forward.

What questions can you add to the list above? Please share in the comments below.

(photo source)

5 Questions to Ask when Your Blended Family is in Crisis is a post from: Simple Marriage
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Lighter Side: Too Close? is a post from: Simple Marriage
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You can have past posts sent for free to your inbox, and the best part, they are broken down into the topics.

Head over to the Free Marriage Courses page, you’ll find these topics: Communication, Family Life and Parenting, Sex and Intimacy, Simplicity, and the Nice Guy/Girl Series.

Now you can also sign up for the newest marriage course … Sexual Desire Differences.

Let’s say you’re the high desire partner when it comes to sex in your marriage. How do you handle having the bulk of the initiation burden on your shoulders?

But what if you’re the low desire partner? How do you handle the fact that you actually control sex?

This series of lessons cover how to handle the differences in desire in your marriage, and how to use these differences to create something better for both of you.

Go here to sign up for this course or any of the other courses.

Or, simply use the form below.

Sexual desire differences course

New free marriage course – Sexual desire differences is a post from: Simple Marriage
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