Simple Marriage

Hang Out With Us In The Simple Marriage Community

Corey — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:07:14 +0000

Have you checked out the Simple Marriage Community?

In fact, the community has undergone a bit of a make over recently. Now there are more topical discussion areas as well as deeper discussions. Check out the conversations and feel free to start any of your own.

The Simple Marriage Community is just that, a community. A comfortable place to hang out with others in the same or similar boats and talk about what ever you’d like.

There are now areas for conversations on money, sex, parenting, spirituality, problems, infidelity and anything else you’d like to add. If you join in now, you can start up a conversation about what’s on your mind. Don’t worry, joining is free. But you do have to sign in to leave comments and join any of the conversations.

One of my beliefs about creating a great marriage is it’s much easier to do while in community with others.

Together with your contribution to the community, everyone increases the chance of improving their relationship, including you.

Hope to see you there.

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

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Simple Family: An Important Question

Corey — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:08:22 +0000

Are your children able to look at your marriage as more of a “how-to” manual or a “how-not-to” manual?

____

You might also be interested in my post at Zen Family Habits:

Make your marriage a priority and your kids will benefit.

Photo courtesy Moomettesgram

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

The Pitfalls Of We Speak

Corey — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:15:34 +0000

In the 1940s a relatively unknown psychiatrist named Helmuth Kaiser wrote about a figure skating performance by identical twins he witnessed as a young boy. It wasn’t the impeccably choreographed performance that caught his attention, it was the mesmerized crowd’s reaction.

He also noted that synchronized swimming teams, high-kick chorus lines, and precision military teams produced this same effect. Kaiser intuited that there was something about the unison involved in these performances that stirred the crowds.

More recently, the rapid spread of the Irish dancing phenomenon Riverdance confirms Kaiser’s discovery.

What captured the crowd was an illusion, a fantasy.

A fantasy of two (or more) bodies appearing to be controlled by a single mind. Where separate identities were given up to become part of a larger oneness. He called this a fusion fantasy.

As married individuals, we fall victim to the fusion fantasy everyday. The “two shall become one” belief creates much – if not most – of the marital discord couples face today.

The illusion that a good marriage being like tightly choreographed figure skaters is impossible to live.

There are many times in my counseling sessions when I ask the couple I’m working with if they’re actually conjoined twins or connected some other physical way.

This also happens when I hear “we speak.”

Be honest – you do this too.

When asked a question about the current state of your marriage, you reply, “We both want to make this thing work” or “We love each other and are committed to each other.”

Really?

Since when have you been able to know what your spouse thinks and feels? Oh, you may have a general idea based on your experiences with one another, but you don’t know what’s going on in their head – nor should you want to.

“We speak” is the tip of the emotional fusion iceberg.

Couples who are too close are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, or one position.

There’s only one way to break free of this fusion fantasy – grow up.

Sure you could leave the relationship in an attempt to break the emotional fusion, but if you don’t grow up, you’re going to repeat the process in your next relationship.

Marriage is designed for our refinement. Why not lean into the marriage and experience more of what it has to offer? Sure it’s work, even scary at times.

But it’s worth it!

Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7

Adapted from Schnarch, D. Passionate Marriage.

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Secret giveaway code: Spice it up

A Private Affair Game Winner

Corey — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:10:06 +0000

Apparently, there are many couples interested in playing a game designed to help couples increase the depth of their connection. There were 172 entries for the giveaway of A Private Affair: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises for Couples.

If you’re wondering how the winner was chosen, I’ll explain. Every entry (via comment, email, and Tweet) was placed in a spreadsheet. I then used Random.org to generate a random number between 1 and 172.

After all this – the winner is … Ken!

No worries that there is no last name, we’re simply sending the game to every Ken alive until we reach the right one. Not really. I’ve already sent an email to the winner in order to get the everything squared away.

For those who did not win, you can still purchase your own game and enjoy all it has to offer.

Thanks to Dr. Todd and Jan Sellick for their contribution of a game for this giveaway.

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How Much Do I Love Others?

Corey — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:08:54 +0000

So I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately, specifically my relationships with those around me.

I consider myself an extrovert who enjoys being social and interacting with others, but lately I’ve been examining the depth of my relationship with others.

How much do I love others?

It’s easy to say I love others, but deep down, if I’m honest with myself, do I really?

I’ve tried to be more aware of my conversations with people. I’ve listened more – talked less. I’m trying to soak in what’s going on around me and I’ve discovered that this is hard to do while talking.

I think I’m like most people in that when I’m in a conversation with others, I’m often too busy thinking about what I’m going to say that I’m not really listening to what they’re saying.

I guess my question is: If I don’t hear what they say, and only want to get out my stories and ideas, do I really care about them?

I’ve also found that when I listen to others, I mean, really listen to them, it’s difficult. Maybe it’s because most of what is discussed among people these days seems to be surface crap information. You know, the kinds of things you read on someone’s Facebook status or Tweets. This seems to have bled into real life conversations.

Humans have always tried to gloss over the deeper parts of themselves, because this part includes the scared, worried, ashamed, and anxious aspects of life.

But glossing over something or pretending it’s not there doesn’t make it go away.

The social mediums in the world today have allowed for more connections with others, but have they allowed deeper connections? Have they allowed you to be real?

Honestly though, social exchanges have always hovered around the surface. For years this has been a common exchange – “Hey, how’s it going?” To which you’d respond, “Fine, you?” If you’re honest, is it really fine? And the times when you do stop and share something more deeply, often the other person is looking for an exit because they really didn’t want to know.

Which leads me back to the question: Do they really care? Do you? Do I?

The deeper connections require more from me. It requires that I slow down and share my life with others. That I shoulder some of their weight and burden with them. But it also offers the possibility that they’ll shoulder some of mine.

Real relationships move past the “niceities”. They get below the surface and enter the area of our lives that house fears, frustrations, failures, but also strengths. You see, I believe it’s this part of our lives, the authentic part of us, where healing resides. This healing actually begins when I share this part of my life with another person.

If I were to slow down my life and listen, I must come face to face with this part of myself. There are times when I feel isolated and alone. When I’m insecure about what I’m doing or who I am. And these times also bring me to how I began this post – how much do I love others?

I’m wading deeper into this struggle – care to join me?

_____

Reminder! Only a couple more days to register to win the game A Private Affair. Click here to enter.

Photo courtesy jamsjoys

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Simple Marriage Giveaway: A Private Affair

Corey — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:32:06 +0000

Ultimately, the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or friendship, is conversation. ~ Oscar Wilde

Update: This contest is now closed.

As any marriage progresses, there’s going to be times of stagnation and routine. Times when you feel like everything that needs to said – already has been said. It’s during these times when it would be great to have a resource that would help you “go deeper” together.

There are also times when you may wish to add a touch of spice to the marriage. To shake things up a bit and discover more about your lover.

Recently I came across a game that’s designed to help couples who are hungry for connection.

A Private Affair: The Erotic Game of Secrets, Plans and Promises for Couples

Here’s some more information from the creators of the game, Dr. Todd and Jan Sellick.

“A Private Affair” is a unique “black box” of intimate possibility for couples; a game that can be played in restaurants, over coffee, while out for a walk, even on the phone. Play slowly, over a romantic meal, or enjoy a “quickie” by text or email or during a five minute drive in the car.

In developing this game, we felt that couples needed a way to climb back into their own private affair, risking disclosures, exploring penetrating questions, planning adventures together, and finding ways to remember and keep these new promises!

Three thousand years ago Solomon suggested that “an honest answer (straight talk) is like a kiss on the lips;” a thing of simply, happy, complete and juicy intimacy. This little verse inspired a game.

Stories about “sexless marriages” are hot topics at the moment, but the issue is not really ”sexless” but “less” in general for so many; less adventure, less understanding, less connecting, less joy, less kindness, less energy, less hope, etc. Sheldon Vanauken, in his fabulous book “A Severe Mercy” suggested that unless couples are extremely mindful and diligent in their marriage, they risk suffering a “creeping separateness” that distorts and tarnishes the life and friendship of marriage. The sexual part of the relationship very naturally, and reasonably, suffers along with this, so often bruised in this experience of “creeping separateness.”

Couples are hungry for connection, but a bit lost as to where to begin. We keep our game at the back door. As we’re heading out, one of us pockets a few cards so we can “play the game” should we have a few moments, and want to get into some intimate conversation and play together.

One reviewer said that he and his wife think of the game as “emotional bungee jumping;” a risky adventure, but one where they ultimately feel safe as they jump into various depths together.

A Private Affair is not a typical couples “sex game” at all; not the kind you play at home on Friday night with a bottle of massage oil, a feather, and blindfold. This game is played with “eyes wide open” while you move through the bits and pieces of life with your spouse.

Enjoy!

You can also check out the blog as well.

How to enter

A Private Affair retails for $34.99 – but this week you have the chance to have a game sent directly to your front door for free. Allow around 7 business days for shipping.

Here’s how to enter:

Leave a comment on this post describing an inexpensive date idea.
To enter a second time: subscribe to Simple Marriage, either RSS or email. Then send an email to simplemarriageblog at gmail dot com – include the secret code you see at the bottom of all the posts in the subject line. The body of the email will not be read. (If you’re already a subscriber, simply look at the bottom of the posts in the feed or email.)
Finally, to enter a third time: Tweet about this giveaway on Twitter. Be sure to use the url of this post and/or @simplemarriage so I can see it. Or to make it even easier – use the Retweet button at the bottom of this post.

This giveaway will end Saturday the 14th at midnight CST.

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Secret giveaway code: Spice it up

Do You Just Want To Be Happy?

Corey — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:07:46 +0000

At the beginning of 2009, I wrote this post – What’s Your Big Idea? In it, I discussed my reaction to Steve and Erin Pavlina’s decision to explore the realm of a polyamorous marriage. For those not familiar with this term, polyamory is the practice or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of all involved.

If you’re relatively new to Simple Marriage, I’d suggest you follow this link and read the post before proceeding. See you again in a few minutes.

Okay, now that you’re back, allow me to give you an update.

Last week, Steve and Erin announced that they have separated and are getting divorced. They both wrote at length about this and admit that their decision to become polyamorous played a role in the separation.

While it is likely that deciding to be polyamorous would harm most any marriage, what troubles me is what’s underneath all this.

First, a brief disclaimer: I do not view things fundamentally the same as Steve and Erin (at least from what I have read on their blogs). And when there is a fundamental difference in beliefs, it’s easy to come across as judging or harsh – which in no way I am wanting to do.

Divorce is a major thing in our society and there’s no such thing as a divorce without fallout – or pain and suffering. A family is a system – what affects one – impacts all.

Here’s a few quotes taken directly from their writing about this:

Human relationships have a lot of fluidity to them, and marriage is only one of many forms they can take. In this case the most conscious decision we can make to improve our relationship is to end our marriage.

Our desires in life are no longer as compatible as they were in our early years. We both want to live in ways that the other is not interested in, so we were constantly compromising what we wanted to make the other person happy, which left neither of us truly happy.

It appears as though their belief is that marriage is supposed to make them happy and if its not – that means something’s not working.

I simply do not agree.

Marriage is not designed to make us happy.

What makes you happy is way too vague and elusive. What makes you happy changes with the seasons and the stages in life. And often, once you obtain whatever it is that would make you happy, it’s short lived and fleeting. If I define my life and live my life only by what makes me happy – I’m going to harm a lot of people along the way.

Marriage is designed for one thing: growth.

Marriage creates a natural container to facilitate our growth and development as people. As Hayden stated this before:

Marriage is personal development boot camp. You will demand much from your partner, as they will from you. You will be challenged to open your being in love, even as you are angry. You will be challenged to fully forgive transgressions both major and minor. Your marriage, in short, is the daily practical exercise of the opportunity to be your best self. And what you master at home, you take into the world.

We live in relationship to others all our lives. Some relationships carry more importance than others. Obviously my relationship with my wife is going to create more possibilities for growth than is my relationship with the drive-thru attendant, but the same principles apply.

One more quote from Steve:

The desire to relate to other people as consciously as possible eventually made it impossible to continue giving my power away to an external structure like a marriage. That was a problem for both of us. For years we fell into the trap of treating the marriage as something more powerful than ourselves, something we must preserve at all costs even when it didn’t make us happy to do so. I’m glad we finally saw the folly in that mindset.

Most every person I’ve worked with has come in to their sessions with the belief that they want to work on their marriage – as if their marriage was an outside entity that could be “fixed.”

They’ve got it backwards.

The marriage is doing what it’s designed to do – work on the people involved.

Rather than working on improving the marriage, the marriage works on improving the people. While the work required is difficult at times, so is our own growth. But what you discover when you put in the work is that you value the relationship more, you value yourself more, and you’re both better off than you were before.

In fact, research has even discovered that the tough times in marriage (as well as the times when you laugh together) increases the levels of Oxytocin in your brain. Oxytocin is the chemical that creates a deeper bond with others. So the higher the levels of Oxytocin, the deeper the connection and bond.

The only way to truly connect with another person is to put in the work to be more present and “grown up” with them.

Happiness ebbs and flows. So do all our emotions.

Growth lasts.

When you find yourself in the midst of unhappiness, perhaps it’s a great time to work on your own growth.

And if you do that – you’ll likely end up more fulfilled.

And you know what?

So will your spouse.

Photo courtesy Joe Shlabotnik

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Why you shouldn’t have the goal of “I just want to be happy”

Corey — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:08:40 +0000

It’s too vague and elusive.

Photo courtesy lilit

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

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Two New Free Marriage Courses

Corey — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 23:39:33 +0000

Last week I announced the addition of a new area here at Simple Marriage – Free Marriage Courses.

The launch began with a course on Communication in Marriage.

Now there are two new courses:

Let’s Talk About Sex and

Family Life and Parenting.

Follow this link to find out more.

Enjoy.

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

In One Word – Marriage Is …

Corey — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 00:02:20 +0000

This ask the readers question was posed at the beginning of summer. It received some great responses.

Now I’d like to narrow the replies down even more … to one word.

So here you go -

In one word,

Marriage is …

Photo courtesy pedrosimoes7

Want more?

A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.