Nice Guys and Nice Girls have been speaking up a great deal lately, both in the comments on these posts and in emails I’ve received over the past couple of weeks. Apparently, this discussion is hitting close to home.

While you may not be a full blown Nice Guy or Nice Girl, I’ll bet you have some of their traits.

If so, are they getting in the way in your marriage?

Here’s why being a Nice Guy or a Nice Girl looks so appealing at first.

It meets your need for acceptance and love.

Look at it this way. Of course someone is going to like you when you’re nice and good. When you do nice things for them and show them you care and love them in your actions and words. It’s common sense. If you’re a “pleaser” then people will initially love it.

The problem surfaces in the long haul of your relationship.

At our core there are two fundamental life forces or drives. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.

Every human has a desire to connect with another person. To have conversations, touch, sex, love, etc. that can only be found in relationships.

At the same time, every human has a desire to be in control of their own destiny and identity. To map out their own course in life and be their own person.

The major pitfall of the Nice Guy and the Nice Girl is found in the sacrifice of their separateness in order to hopefully receive love and acceptance from their spouse. The longer this goes on, the less there is of the Nice Guy/Girl and the more they are consumed and defined by their relationship.

There’s another issue with being too close, the loss of separateness will lead to a decrease in passion and eroticism in the relationship, because passion and eroticism can only exist in the space between you.

The loss of passion and eroticism is not what any of us expect going into marriage. I didn’t.

Perhaps that’s why you’re a regular reader of Simple Marriage. Or you’ve sought out therapy or every self-help book you can get your hands on. You want to grow up and live more from the deep part of your being. To live with passion and energy.

I constantly hear people in my counseling office say “I don’t know who I am anymore” or “I don’t know what it means to be a man/woman.” This syndrome is rampant in our society. I believe this is why reality television has taken off in the past decade – people would rather watch life than get off the couch and live it!

The number one question I’ve heard in our Nice People discussion thus far is “Okay, I’ve read a couple of the books you’ve referred to – now what?”

There’s not an easy answer to this question – and Nice People will often look for the easy answers to life’s tough questions.

Breaking free of Nice People Syndrome and moving into an adults only marriage is best done in community with others. Honestly, if this were easy to do on your own, you’d probably be doing it already.

This community can be a couple of good friends (even just one good friend, provided they’re the same gender as you), a therapist, or a group at your church – just involve other people in your journey. Why? Because when others are involved, you up the likelihood of following through with your end of the deal.

Since this discussion has hit home for so many people, I’ve creating a place for recovering Nice People to gather – Adults Only Marriage. If you want to join us or just want to check it out please do.

I’m on this journey as well. A journey to discover what happens in an adults only marriage. You’re welcome to come along.

See you there.

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Related posts:

1. 12 Ways to Have an Unhappy Marriage
2. Are You Making These Marriage Mistakes?
3. For Women Only: Knowing What Matters Most to Your Husband
4. The Nice Guy Rebellion

Editors Note: The is a guest post from Todd Sellick of A Private Affair.

If on your wedding day someone challenged you to “give a full 1% of your time each week” to each other, to just be together, peacefully sifting through the bits and pieces of your lives; giving space for your love to recover, heal, discover and grow… how do you think you’d respond?

“1%?  Scheesh… that’s nothing! We’ll be giving a lot more than that!”

More precisely, that’s 1 hour & 40 minutes & 48 seconds per week. Heck. Round it off to 1.5 hours, or  0.89%.

“Sweetheart… can I have 0.89% of your undivided and undistracted time this week? Please?”

On the face of it, this does not seem an unreasonable request. But how many of us enjoy this real living together as a couple, for this 1% of our week? One recent survey suggested that 16% of couples manage a weekly date night, but I suspect this is often a movie or some other kind of entertainment not geared toward the quiet interest and seduction I’m suggesting.

Westerners have forgotten the present. Bit by bit they have whittled it down to nothing, and to retrieve it, they must undergo a genuine re-education. ~ Jean-Louis Servan-Schreiber

Let’s think on this for just a moment …

If you are reading this post in the early part of your day, then ask yourself, what real living am I hoping and planning to fully enjoy today? Blaise Pascal mused (400 years ago) that most of us spend our energies planning to fully live and to be happy sometime in the (hopefully) not-too-distant future. “It is inevitable” he writes, “that we shall never be happy, as we are always planning on a time which we rarely reach,” … that of really living with each other, in the present.

If you are reading this post toward the end of your day, then perhaps ask, with some reflection, what real living did I fully enjoy today?

Pascal suggested that our lives are full of tasks and distractions which stop us getting to the good bits! The day runs out before we get to the living. Even more sobering, our lives may run out as well. Someone suggested that the main disease of old age is regret. “I just didn’t quite get to the things that I really wanted to do. Perhaps to the loving I really wanted to experience and offer and enjoy.”

We may need help.

I’m going to suggest that nothing breaks into this madness better than sitting idly with your lover, “practicing the presence” of each other. I urge my clients to “just show up” in each other’s lives without much fuss. Think of how easily, happily and perhaps even deliriously we did this in the early moments of our falling in love together. Suddenly it was 3 a.m. Timeless, wonderful, so good.

Think about your spouse right now. Is this your experience these days?

I know, the naysayers will cry “life changes!” Kids, work, aging, bills, driving, more work, resentments, and that awful “creeping separateness” which leaves us, perhaps not as enemies, but maybe as foreigners!

Ok then. How about this. 1% of your lives in some sort of dreamy, healing, restoring and enlivening bliss. You can keep on as usual in the other 99%.

I’m going to suggest that this 1% experience will have a striking impact on the other 99% of your life. It can also be addicting. My wife and I started with 1%, but I shamefully confess that recently, this has gotten out of hand, and we are sometimes checking out for up to 2.5% of our week!

These days this always takes the form of coffee out together. These are not times of intense discussion or problem-solving. No attempt is made to create some sort of deep encounter. For the most part, we commit to put everything else aside, to just be together; quiet, lazy, open.

We are nearly always tempted to shelve the “1% experience” as it seems a bit of a waste of time.

So far, we have never been disappointed. Practicing the presence of each other can almost be done in silence, and perhaps sometimes should be. Words are so often used to push each other about as we try to negotiate a better deal for ourselves. (In therapy I often encourage couples to make love, to go for a long walk, and to enjoy an entire meal, all in complete silence. The results are sometimes quite fantastic!)

At the end of my work-week, the last thing I do before leaving is to water the plants (currently five) in my office. It takes me just 2-3 minutes. I do not have degree in botany or plant sciences, and forget how photosynthesis really works, and yet, the plants are thriving and regularly need re-potting. Amazing.

The “1% Experience” is just the same. Water your relationship for a few minutes each week and it will thrive (as opposed to just “getting along ok”); if you don’t water it, it will die.  It really will. Basic science.

Keep in mind that this “lazily being together” is much easier to agree upon and to look forward to, than a time that we might be setting aside to “deal with issues.” (Ugg!) It should look great in a movie; the couple lingering quietly over a few cups of java, together watching life go by, musing over a few random thoughts and observations, and “letting their minds leak” out in bits and pieces. If this never becomes part of our lives, I know we will regret this deeply.

If possible, see if you can agree upon a time that might work for you each week.  i.e. – when the kids are in the pool, or at lessons, or a regular drop-off at friends or the grandparents. (Some of my clients have made a deal with friends; you take our kids this Tuesday night, we’ll take yours next week. Friends with friends. We all get our 1%. Win-win across the board; affordable, regular, easy).

When we meet again each week for our 1% (watering the plant so to speak), we often refer to it as once again “picking up the threads” of our relationship, or the ongoing conversation of this elegant relationship. Almost any thought will do, and we’re away.

Think about it. When you first fell in love, as you were arranging to get together, you neither worried about what you might talk about, or even if you’d talk much. The being together was the imperative; delicious, necessary, and sometimes timeless.  “Look! It’s almost 3:00 a.m. again!” Practicing the presence of each other.

Here’s an easy and revealing possibility for your next time together (join the “1% Experience” club):  Begin to talk through these two questions together…

What are the things that fill my life, that for me … just aren’t the really living parts! The tasks, the details, the responsibilities, etc. that keep surfacing moment by moment throughout my days; the things that never seem to get done?

What are (dreaming a bit) the “really living” things I’d love to enjoy with you WAY more? The things that may have got marginalized, the things that perhaps once filled our relationship and living together, the things I’d like to bring back?

One of the things just might be this … sitting here with you, over a cup of coffee, smiling thankfully at each other with, “…now where were we?!”

Pick up the watering can. Go wild!

1%

Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it! ~ Goethe (1749-1832)

(photo source)

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Related posts:

1. 13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex
2. How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life
3. Ask The Readers: Is Sex an Acceptable Gift for Christmas?
4. 14 Ways to Ruin Sex, For You and Your Spouse

Do you compare yourself to others? Are you scanning people for their physical and emotional attributes and sizing yourself up at the same time? Do you do that with your spouse? Do you notice other husbands or wives and wish yours could be just a smidgen more helpful around the house? or more attentive to you? or on time?

I think we all do this to some extent and we also know it isn’t particularly constructive.

It starts with our own comfort with ourselves, doesn’t it? Our willingness to say, we are enough.

How can we give that gift to our children? How can we raise children who recognize their own inner worth who can connect with others rather than compete with them?

The back story

I grew up in a home where comparisons abounded. And they happened in two particularly unhelpful ways:

1) Comparing me to my friends: “Why can’t you be more like _______? She is always so warm and friendly to me.” Or the other version, “I bet, _____ doesn’t talk to her mother that way.” (or cleans her room or calls home when she is going to be late, etc)

2) Comparing me to my sister: “Your sister would never do that.” or “I am sure if you just tried harder you could be as artistic as your sister.” (And comparing my sister to me)

The impact

I resented my friends. (My friends!)

I did everything in my power to keep my friends away from my parents.

I acted out to prove my parents right!

My sister and I resented each other and it drove a wedge between us.

Feeling ashamed of who I was and who I wasn’t

My commitment as a parent

I want our kids to have a keen appreciation for the unique gifts they bring to the world and to value each other’s gifts. I want them to support each other’s achievements and feel like they have a safe haven in which to brag about their own.

So as you might imagine, I am hyper-conscious about making comparisons. Our two boys are very different one from the other.  And I would be lying if I told you that I never wished that one could be more like the other. The danger is in voicing those wishes. I found that I eventually even stopped talking to my friends about this – even when there were no kids around. It wouldn’t have had a direct impact on the kids. But it had a subtle reinforcing impact on me that  felt wrong.

Some useful strategies

I could just end this post with the admonition: Don’t compare. But it is always more useful to find positive things we CAN do.  Here are some things I have tried over the years.

• Create uninterrupted one-on-one time with each child. Give them the space to be who they are; time when they are not competing (even unconsciously) with their siblings or with other kids. And give yourself the gift of really getting to know your child. (This is as true when they are 5 as when they are 15!)

• When your kids are together, make a point of (model) acknowledging each of them to the other.

“Jenny those are great color choices. Jack, check these great color choices out.”

“Brianna you shared with your friends so nicely today. Joe, do you know what Brianna did?…”

“Emily, remember how hard Lizzy was studying for her math test? Guess what? She aced it!”

• When your kids are arguing with each other, express complete trust in their ability to work it out with each other.

A special note about being fair:

Especially when kids are younger, even if you don’t make comparisons – they do.

They want to know that they are being treated fairly. Speaking as both a parent and a former school principal it is never too early to reinforce the idea that things are fair when everyone’s needs are met and not when everyone is treated the same!

So, what do you think? I’d love to hear your successes and challenges.

(photo source)

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This is the seventh post in a series about living the virtuous life like Benjamin Franklin. We’re taking his life and applying it to marriage and relationships.

Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

What comes to mind when you hear the word sincerity? Someone who is earnest and truthful. Authentic. The dictionary defines it as : “freedom from deceit, hypocrisy, or duplicity; honesty in intention or in communicating; earnestness.”

At the core of sincerity is honesty in conduct and communication. Honesty and integrity are markers of great men and women.

There are a few plagues on our society today. Habits and tendencies people have adopted that don’t build people up or treat others with care – gossip, sarcasm, and lying. These three can be especially damaging within marriage and families.

Gossip

Gossip is everywhere. In fact, some magazines and television shows wouldn’t exist without it. In the world of the Internet and blogs, gossip is particularly rampant. The fact checks have been replaced by the opinion, thoughts and ideas of anyone interested in writing something down.

This places the onus on each of us to be diligent about where we find our information AND what we do with it.

Especially when the information we are given is private or personal in nature.

If a friend shares something personal with you, or something private, treat it as such. When you are privy to something about someone else, guard it as you would a prized possession.

My profession as a marriage and family therapist is built upon this idea, and it’s something I take extremely seriously. But this also extends beyond my clients. I seek to be a man to whom any private thought or concern can be shared knowing that it will never be divulged to others.

When it comes to marriage, we are faced with ample opportunities to share private information, sometimes for a laugh with others, but almost always at the expense of our spouse. Part of the elegance of marriage is the secretness of the things shared between you and your spouse.

When you are faced with the chance to share a piece of information about your spouse or someone else, here’s a few questions to ask yourself:

• Is it true?
• Is it kind?
• Is it necessary?

If you can answer yes to all three, then go ahead. If not? Keep your mouth shut.

One more thing, gossip does not have to be false to be gossip. Gossip can be true, yet still no one’s business.

But what if others press you to reveal something secret that you know?

I recommend the following as an excellent retort: Draw the information seeker close to you and whisper, “Can you keep a secret?” They will then answer, “Certainly!” At this point put your hand on their shoulder and say, “Well, so can I.” End of conversation.

Sarcasm

I’ll admit – I’m a sarcastic person. A well-placed zinger can sometimes produce comedic gold. But it’s a tool that’s often hurtful, especially in marriage. I’m all for the “inside jokes” and playful banter between spouses, but sarcasm can create a rift between you if you’re not careful.

Sarcasm is often the refuge of the weak and is employed by people who are afraid to say what is really on their minds. According to Psychology Today:

Though they may not be aware of it, sarcasm is their means of indirectly expressing aggression toward others and insecurity about themselves. Wrapping their thoughts in a joke shields them from the vulnerability that comes with directly putting one’s opinions out there. Sarcastic people protect themselves by only letting the world see a superficial part of who they are. They’re very into impression management. ~ Steven Stosny, a Washington, D.C. – based therapist and anger specialist.

Sarcasm can hurt people’s feelings. It’s often a fine line between good natured ribbing and a really stinging comment. While you know you are only joking, others may not.

Sarcasm is also easy. Sarcasm can be used as a cop-out rather than a well-reasoned opinion. It is far easier to throw out a sarcastic remark than to make a thoughtful counterargument. It’s best to cut out the sarcasm in marriage and leave it only for the times when you both are engaging in the inside jokes and banter.

Lying

When it comes to lying, most people would say they do okay because they don’t blatantly make up false information. But it is the more delicate lying that is harder to master. Our looks, tone, the parts of a story we leave in and the parts we leave out, may still be being dishonest. I have heard someone say this many times, “No I didn’t lie. I just didn’t tell them everything that happened.” Sorry, it’s still a lie.

Lying is easy, especially when telling the truth will bring upon us negative consequences. And lying is becoming more prevalent in society. According to a 2002 confidential survey of 12,000 high school students, 74% admitted cheating on an examination at least once in the past year.

If our kids see nothing wrong with lying, we must up our example of complete honesty. The small lies make it easier for the big ones so it is paramount that we be examples of truth in our words and actions.

But what about the “white lies” to preserve people’s feelings?

This is the age old question. What do you say when your wife asks you if a pair of pants make her look fat? How about if your husband gets a horrendous haircut and wants to know if you like it? Or worse yet, your partner wants to know if the sex was good for you, and it wasn’t?

Telling these lies present sticky judgment calls. The right answer varies from situation to situation. In general err on the side of honesty. Be honest to a fault. Sometimes it may get you in trouble, but generally it will win the respect of those involved.

The problem with telling white lies is that while they may flatter a person in the short term, they hurt the person in the long term. Take the example of the bad haircut. If everyone tells a man that it looks great, he will keep on getting the same horrendous haircut. Now for when your wife asks you “do these pants make me look fat.” Here’s a great response – “I don’t know, I’d have to see you without the pants on.” When said with a playful smile, who knows what may happen!

(photo source)
Adapted from Art of Manliness

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A lighter way to bring Sex Week to a close.

Have a great weekend.

CURRENT SPONSORS:

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No related posts.

There are several readers who sent in questions they’d like addressed as part of Sex Week on Simple Marriage. Were I to attempt to cover them in a post, the length of the post would likely limit the amount of people who would read the entire thing.

In this episode, I have two fellow bloggers join me in an informal discussion about sex and the questions submitted by readers. Alisa Bowman of Project Happily Ever After and Gina Parris of ginaparris.com join me on the call.

Interested in how sex can be used in marriage?

Or what happens when the wife’s sexual desire exceeds the husband’s?

Or what happens in a sexless marriage, and how to get it back?

Then pour yourself something to drink, sit back relax and enjoy the episode.

CURRENT SPONSORS:

• Romantic Marriages – Join the Loving Wives Club and romance your man.
• A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.
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Want more?

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Do you know what it feels like to have your spouse do you – not just bringing you to orgasm or have intercourse – but really do you?

Do you know what it feels like to do your spouse?

The fine art of doing and being done.

At it’s core is power. And the fact is that negotiating power is part of every human relationship.

Almost everything in our society teaches equity, so do many therapists. The message they try to get across is this: the ideal partner is to be one of absolute equality in every area of the relationship.

I’ve got news for you – equity has no place when it comes to eroticism. The ability to take your partner (or be taken by them) embodies a lusty, lascivious eagerness for pleasure. This isn’t crudeness – quite the opposite – it’s a deliberate intent to arouse (and satisfy) passion.

If you’re one of the many who’ve yet to experience this level of passion and eroticism in marriage, or if you’ve had a taste of it but it faded over time, don’t worry. For most people, the eroticism and level of passion I’m talking about ripens in later life.

It involves tapping into the male and female energy found in a couple’s union. The Yin and the Yang, to use Eastern terms. When you tap into this within yourself and your spouse, you form the energy loop that Tantric sex has focused on for centuries.

This energy creates the “follow the connection” types of sexual encounters. The times when you feel like your spouse “knows” you completely and can send you over the edge whenever they choose to do so. In essence, they have power over you – and wielding this power produces an erotic pleasure within themselves.

Many people in our culture are afraid of this power. It’s labeled as bad or something dirty. It’s something Nice Guys and Nice Girls would never do. But, it’s an aspect of every one of us.

So how do you reach this level of eroticism and sexual passion?

The short answer is grow up and develop this part of you.

For many people, this part of themselves is yet to be born. If you think it has reached maturity in you, answer me this: When your partner really ticks you off, how do you react? Can you lovingly and passionately integrate the anger and aggression you feel towards your spouse and turn it into something useful and life-giving ? Or are you more likely to react to the anger and do anything you can to get away from your spouse? Can the fact that your spouse is different and separate from you be a turn on rather than a turn off?

Fully creating this part in your life involves learning how to acknowledge the aggression and anger towards your spouse (which is in all of us), soothing yourself, mastering yourself, and “growing” through the discomfort.

When we climb into bed with our spouse, we each carry different expectations, hopes, plans, and passions to the experience about to unfold.

Let’s face it, on a basic biological level men and women are different. Arousal, pleasure, eroticism, power, even orgasms are different.

Many men can be quite envious of a woman’s orgasm. Look at the differences between us, when a man has an orgasm, while the feeling is great it seems to pale in comparison to a woman’s. A woman is capable of full body orgasms. It seems to pulsate like waves throughout her entire body. Plus, and the biggest source of male envy, a woman is capable of wave after wave. A man has to have some recovery time. Just look at the different faces and expressions between the two sexes and you’ll get confirmation of the difference.

So rather than focus on the differences that separate you and your spouse, what if you brought more of yourself to the party? And they brought more of themselves?

Could you handle that?

Many of you will quickly reply … yes!

Really though?

Think about it this way, to my male readers, can you really handle a full grown woman? One who knows what she wants sexually and how she wants it? A woman in touch with her raw, animalistic nature? This will require more of you, perhaps MUCH more of you! It may mean that after you’ve experienced your orgasm you have to stay around for hers. It may me you have to submit to her power, or you have to over-power her and truly take her.

And to my female readers, are you ready for a full grown man? Someone in touch with his power, or what Robert Bly refers to as the deep male? A man in tune with his raw, animalistic nature? This too, will require more of you.

If you’re interested in creating this part of you and your relationship, here’s a few ideas to help get you started. Realize however, that this developing takes time and growth to be fully born out in your life and marriage.

1. Slow down. This is the number one thing I tell every couple I work with when it comes to sex. I understand the desire to rush things, because the longer the process of sex lasts, the more likely some things will surface within you that are uncomfortable. Slow down.  When the discomfort within you arises, face it head on.
2. Breathe. Much like the previous point, spend some time throughout the entire process just breathing. Focus on your breathing, and matching your partner’s breathing.
3. Speak up, but not with words. Use your body. Your movements. Your power. Watch each other feel the process. And let yourself be seen. Use words when needed for direction, but also use moans, groans … you get the idea.

Surrendering and growing into this part of you is no simple matter. Doing your spouse, or allowing yourself to be done, involves “standing on your own two feet.” It’s not forcing yourself on your spouse – it’s a letting go with your spouse.

Tapping into eroticism and new levels of passion requires tremendous personal integrity. It takes a great deal of integrity to face head on the demands and challenges of exploring your sexual potential.

But you know what? Every one of us has some untapped sexual potential just waiting to be discovered.

You can place two violins next to each other, pluck the string on one of them and the corresponding string on the other violin will vibrate. It recognizes its own wave. Marriage and sex can be the same. You and your spouse can resonate with each other, creating your own music together.

So what do you say? Don’t just make music with your spouse, create a symphony together!

Sources:
David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity

Related posts:

1. What Do You Know About Sex?
2. How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex
3. 13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex
4. Build a Better Marriage by Having Sex

Does this make you hot:

Wake up at 6:30, make coffee, hurry the kids to the bus, quick kiss on the cheek, work all day, get home, make dinner, argue over 6th grade math homework, pay bills, clean up after everyone, tuck kids into bed, wash dishes, pack tomorrow’s lunch, wash face, consider plucking eyebrows, check out the size of your love handles and crawl into bed.

Sexy, huh?

Its true – day-to-day married life doesn’t leave much room for sexy, let alone sex.

Add in the fact that marrieds gain an average of 6 to 9 pounds more than single people over 5 years and you’ve got a recipe for a cushy little rut.

As marriage ferments, your sex life feels more stale than pungent. Your inner sex kitten hides behind a gut that never existed before.

Sure, we want our husbands to be happy. By now we know that means lots of, key word: lots of sex. But what about the kids? What about working?

Say it with me: What about sleep?

When sex feels like a chore, nobody wins. When sex stops being sexy, a bleak, sexless, passionless horizon looms.

So what, you say? There’s more to life than sex, sex, sex. That’s obvious (see top description). But when it comes to a happy marriage, sex is cornerstone content. Its what separates husbands from friends. So stimulate your sexy self. You owe it to your marriage and inner sex kitten. Here are some ways to coax her back to the surface.

Think about what turns you on. There’s no shame in this. What body part, what touch, what sight excites you?

Think back to a time you felt sexy. Was it before a 10-pound baby pooped on the dream of ever having a flat stomach again? Was it when you had fewer responsibilities? Pinpoint the exact memories. What can you learn from the past? What does it tell you? Is it time for a little exercise, delegation or a weekend alone, just the two of you? Relive the past in news ways.

Think about your lover. Go over a mental image of his smile, his endearing qualities, his parts, the way he smells, the way he looks at you.

Ask him to tell you why you’re sexy. What excites him about your body, your touch, your skills? Turn down the lights. Lock the bedroom door.

Recall a hot memory. Remember that one time in the Dominican Republic when you … and then I … that was fun.

Write a sex letter. Prepare this just like a love letter. Write down all the turn ons, all the memories, every place, every position. Then read it to each other out loud.

Explore your own sexuality. A therapist once remarked how surprised she was to see individuals willing to explore outside their marriage, but so few willing to explore in it. You are husband and wife. Make the most of this amazing union. Try something new. Make it sweaty, marathon, do it three ways good.

Or even just a quickie in the morning before the kids wake. That works, too.

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Welcome to sex week on Simple Marriage.

As we get started, let me ask you this: What does sex mean to you?

Seriously, spend a bit of time with this question. In your answer you will discover the key to unlocking much more in this area of your life.

If you’d prefer to examine this idea on a broader scale, change the previous question to: What does your sexuality mean to you?

We are all sexual beings. Our sexuality is intimately linked with the rest of our life. It’s even linked to our spirituality. In fact, the two are intertwined.

That’s the way everything is in life. We may think we are compartmentalized beings: the work you, the home you, the friend you, etc. but each area is interrelated.

To me, when you look at sex and sexuality … it’s a language. And as humans, we are the only species capable of making meaning with the things do in our life. When it comes to sex, a lot is placed on the meaning attached to the act.

When you get down to it, sex is an act, but it’s also so much more than that.

The key to better sex rests in the meaning placed on it.

There’s always a deeper meaning to the things in our life.

A couple keeps having the same arguments about trivial things. Yesterday it was how to park the car, before that it was the phone bill, before that it was about whose turn it was to take the dog out, and now it’s happening again. They’re in the kitchen debating how to properly slice a tomato. They’ve been married for several years and would say it’s been great, but they’re at this point in the relationship where deeper issues like trust and commitment and kids and vulnerability are lingering in their minds and hearts, and underneath it all they both have this question: “If I get closer to my spouse will they leave me?” But neither of them has voiced this, and both of them experienced their parents’ divorcing at a young age, so anytime tension or conflict comes up, things get confusing quickly and so they’re just at this moment realizing that this argument has nothing to do with how to slice a tomato. (adapted from Rob Bell, Sex God)

Or, the foreplay is progressing along fine and you both are enjoying the time together when suddenly your partner disengages and it has nothing to do with what’s going on in bed at the moment, but you take offense and storm off while your partner lays there feeling even more guilty and alone.

So what’s your meaning when it comes to sex?

Connection. Release. Love. Power. Commitment. Procreation.

No one can define it for you. It must come from you.

There are times when meanings change. Sometimes sex is just a release. Other times it’s a longing for closer connection. Sometimes you just want to give, other times you want to be taken.

It doesn’t have to have the same meaning each time, but it helps to be aware of what you’re looking for.

As you enter into sex, invite your lover into your world, be honest. Speak up.

Here’s a couple of ideas for better sex in your marriage.

1. Understand the meaning of sex for you. What are you looking for when you seek out your lover?
2. Speak up. Let your partner know what’s going on in your mind. Tell them what you’re looking for. Let them in on your experience during the encounter. Let them experience all of you. And while you’re at it, seek to experience all of them.
3. Take an anatomy class. Most people understand the basic idea when it comes to sex, at least intercourse. But there are many couples that seem to think that’s all sex is. Wrong! There are many ways to be sexual. Talk to your partner. Learn their anatomy. Teach them your anatomy. Learn their pleasure points. Yours. Would it surprise you to learn that an often overlooked G spot is the mind? It’s actually our most potent sexual organ.

Sex can be extremely pleasurable. But it doesn’t happen by chance. It’s more than getting naked and “doing it.” For great sex, you have to show up, be more present, more open, more vulnerable, more alive.

(photo source)

CURRENT SPONSORS:

• Romantic Marriages – Join the Loving Wives Club and romance your man.
• A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.
• Potty Training Power – Ditch the diapers today!
• Todoodlist – Technology is great. Pencils are better.

Want more?

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Related posts:

1. 13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex
2. How Pornography Impacts Marriage and Family Life
3. Ask The Readers: Is Sex an Acceptable Gift for Christmas?
4. 14 Ways to Ruin Sex, For You and Your Spouse

It’s been a while since we’ve had a podcast here on Simple Marriage, so it high time we offer another up. Here it is.

Today, you won’t have to sit and listen to just me. Instead you will be treated to an interview I had with Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage.

Ever wondered what it would be like to have sex every day for 60 days?

Wonder what an experience like this would teach you about yourself and your marriage?

In this episode you’ll hear about their experience. What they learned, how it challenged them and the impact this experiment had on their marriage today.

It’s a great episode and I think you’ll enjoy it.

As always I welcome your thoughts and comments.

Enjoy.

CURRENT SPONSORS:

• Romantic Marriages – Join the Loving Wives Club and romance your man.
• A Simple Marriage – Corey’s book written to assist you in amping up your marriage.
• Potty Training Power – Ditch the diapers today!
• Todoodlist – Technology is great. Pencils are better.

Want more?

Check out the Simple Marriage Community.

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.

Related posts:

1. 13 Ways To Make Your Spouse Hate Sex
2. How To Have Curl Your Toes Sex
3. Ho Hum Marriage? 9 Ways To Add Some Spice
4. 14 Ways to Ruin Sex, For You and Your Spouse