Most of us would never intentionally label our children. And yet what about when we tell our daughter that she is a brilliant artist in response to a picture she has drawn? Or when our son overhears us telling a friend that he is shy?

There is a fine line to walk here and nuances to attend to. An important parenting habit I have developed is to reach out to others as I try to make sense of the best way forward.

In this case, I turned to two colleagues whose wisdom and work I admire. I thought I would share their perspectives with you.

Liz Emmett-Mattox of Dream Garden Coaching is a mom, mommy blogger and coach for moms.

If I were to say just one thing about this issue it would be: make the distinction between the person and their behavior (this goes for big people as well as little people.)  What we do (good, bad or otherwise) is separate from who we are (always doing our best in my view!)

Making this distinction is a subtle thing- but it can be as simple as shifting from “Jamie is shy” to “Jamie is being shy.”  The first way leaves Jamie no room to be anything but shy.  The second says that even if she’s being shy right now, this is not an essential property of HER, but something that she’s doing (and could potentially stop doing.)   Even when we say things we might not be proud of- we can make this distinction.  ”You are such a jerk.” is really different from “You are acting like a jerk.”  The first is a terminal sentence- there is no escape from one’s jerkiness.  But it’s entirely possible that in a cooler moment, someone would agree that they were being a jerk, and now they’d like to apologize.

Meg Akabas of Parenting Solutions is a mother of four and a parenting skills educator working with parents of children up to age 10, individually and in groups, to help them tackle their parenting challenges and be the best parents they can be.

I absolutely agree with Liz that the key is to really pay attention to our words and be careful to describe the action instead of describing the person.   I would add that parenting is very much about expectations, and while it’s important to have expectations for our children (otherwise there are no behavioral standards), labeling sets expectations in a way that, in the case of a positive labels puts undue stress on our children to be something they might not be (e.g. “You’re a math genius!”), or, in the case of negative labels, they can become self-fulfilling prophecies (e.g. “He’s not the athletic type.”).

Finally, I think that even when we manage to describe our children’s behavior rather than label them, we often resort to hyperbole, e.g. “You made the best painting I’ve ever seen!” or “Nobody swims as fast as you!”   Children are very astute and know when praise is not truthful.  You can be positive without exaggerating. Show your children the respect they deserve by giving specific praise that is enthusiastic but honest and you will go a long way to building a trusting relationship with your child.

I think this is great advice. What would you say?

(photo source)

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“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” – Emily Kimbrough

While I not going to claim to be the world’s foremost expert on relationships, I do have some training in what makes relationships work, and I know that my wife and I have worked hard (and continue to work) to make our relationship great.

Every marriage has its difficulties, and every marriage has its joys. But when you learn the deadly sins of relationships, you are more likely going to recognize them and then avoid them.

There are many people interested in tips and ideas on how to make marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula (if I did, I’d already be retired living as a gazillionare on my own island in the tropics – and of course you could come visit).

While there is no magic formula, it helps to keep in mind that marriage is designed to help you grow up into a better person. Here are a couple of other things to do as well:

• spend time alone together
• be kind and respectful to each other
• be intimate often
• love, give, and share with one another.

Just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn’t do — and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves. I have. But I’ve worked to learn from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and then how to correct it.

If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds.

1. Resentment. This is a poison that starts as something small (“He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar, so that you don’t even notice you have the resentment, and your partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong. If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse, because resentment turns into contempt. Marriage researcher John Gottman considers contempt as one of the deadliest things in a marriage. In order to have a great marriage you must have contempt for contempt within the relationship. Cut it off while it’s small. There are two good ways to deal with resentment before it evolves into contempt: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect; or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.
2. Jealousy. It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted. However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level it turns into a need to control your partner, leads to unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy. If you have problems with jealousy, instead of trying to control them it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in something else that happened before your current relationship.
3. Unrealistic expectations. Often you have an idea of what your partner should be like. You might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of you first, to surprise you, to support you, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always you have expectations of your partner. Sometimes, without realizing it, you have expectations that are too high to meet. Your partner isn’t perfect — neither are you. You can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone is entitled to their moods. You can’t expect them to always think of you, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. You can’t expect them to be exactly as you are, as everyone is different. Plus, you wouldn’t want to be married to a clone of yourself. Expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially when not communicated. How can you expect your partner to meet your expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations, if not eliminate them entirely (expectations are really just planned disappointments) — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that.
4. Not making time. This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions. Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together. Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time. It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.
5. Lack of communication. This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship (and in a relationship, you cannot not communicate, so handle what goes on between you). If you have resentment, talk it out rather than letting it grow. If you are jealous, communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.  Speak up about your wants and desires. If there are any problems whatsoever, communicate them and work them out. Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming. Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing. Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below).
6. Not showing gratitude. Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also little to no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems, because without it your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted. Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things as well. Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like? Does he clean up after you or support you in your job? Take the time to say thank you – give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.
7. Lack of affection. Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards roommate status. That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing. Affection is important –everyone desires it, especially from the ones we love. Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teen-agers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often. Make eye contact throughout the day.
8. Bonus sin: Stubbornness. This wasn’t on my original list but deserves to be added. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — in fact these conflicts are part of the growing up process. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things. Perhaps we always want to be right. Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake. Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry. I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up, put away my ego and say I’m sorry. Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

*Taken and adapted from Zen Habits
(photo source)

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It’s part of our design.

Sexuality plays a role in most everything we encounter. And our society has become more and more sexualized. But in marriage, there’s more to life than sex.

Did I really just say that out loud? I guess I did.

A major component of a fulfilling marriage is the connection you sustain with your spouse. However, many times this bid for connection can be met with skepticism. As if there is an ulterior motive with your wanting to touch your spouse.

There may be times when your spouse sees right through your motives. It may also be that your “moves” need a little work.

I believe that most of the communication within marriage is covert. Speaking up and saying what you really think or want often involves too much risk. So we figure out how to get what we want through covert action. Now to be fair, both men and women are complicit in this exchange.

In order to break this pattern, the truth must come out.

This could be as simple as speaking up when you are interested in going out with your friends for the evening, or when you want to buy the newest techno gadget, or even when you want to have sex.

An interesting phenomenon occurs in most people when the topic of sex comes up. Everyone claims they are interested in the act, many claim to really enjoy it, but most people have a hard time talking about it with their spouse.

Most men will report that in their marriage, sex is a way feel closer. While most women will state they want to feel closer in order to be more interested in sex.

With these differing views of the same thing, no wonder gridlock occurs in marriage.

An interesting thought about the statements above: both men and women report that they are interested in greater connection with their spouse.

But they go about it differently.

So what exactly is the benefit of a closer connection in marriage you ask?

A marriage that is fully alive experiences better things in life. Better joy. Better love. Better families. Better children. Better jobs (not necessarily better money, but better fulfillment). Even better sex. While the quantity of sex may not increase, the quality will.

Incorporating more non-sexual touch in marriage will increase the level of connection. Bear in mind, the point of this type of touch is the connection, not the possibility of sex later.

How to increase the non-sexual touch factor.

1. Hold hands. This may seem grade schoolish but it really is a great way to connect with your spouse. You may already be a hand holder. Most guys seem to lose this ability after the relationship has gone on for a while, so do some women. Next time you are with your spouse watching TV, walking in the park or mall, at a ball game, reach over and grab their hand.
2. Men, put your arm around her shoulder. This is actually a very comfortable way to sit together. You can do this smoothly, you know, it starts by stretching your arms out to both sides then one arm just naturally lands around her shoulders. Seriously though, sit next to her and put your arm around her. Tell everyone else she is important to you.
3. Give massages. The art of the massage often seems to most guys to be a prelude to something more or a chore to be avoided at all costs. A relationship can receive a serious jump start if you were to give good massages. Shoulders. Feet. Back. Full body. What a great gift.
4. Play with her hair. My wife would sit for hours if I were to brush her hair. In fact, she often encourages our kids to brush her hair (which they love to do).
5. Hug. As simple as it sounds, hugging can be a great tool for connection. Stand on your own two feet and hug your spouse. Hold them in your arms. Feel their presence. Make note of their heartbeat. Notice yours. Connect on a deeper level.
6. Pats on the rear. I’ll admit, I’m a rear patter. When my wife walks by, there’s a good chance she’s going to get a pat on the rear. I have no idea when this started. But now my kids have even exhibited signs of following my lead. The other day my oldest walked up and slapped her mom on the rear. While this can be a playful expression of connection, I guess I need to be careful about developing followers. I also need to be careful to not apply too much force.
7. Hand on their leg. While you are sitting together, a great bid for connection comes from placing your hand on their leg. An obvious word of caution, the further you place your hand up the leg decreases the non-sexual factor of this touch. But if you sit together with your hand on your spouse’s knee or even mid thigh, it demonstrates an interest in them and their presence.
8. Eye to eye. Although this is the last one in the list, it’s perhaps the most important. Make a habit of looking your spouse in the eye. Whether you’re talking or just in the same room throughout the day, make a connection with their eyes. Respect them by giving them your attention in conversations. Close the laptop, pause the TV, put the paper down and look your spouse in the eye. If you connect eye to eye several times a day, it will only take a few days until you both will notice a deeper connection.

Your turn. What did I miss?

(photo source)

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We dated for three years before a proposal, which at the time seemed to take forever.

Now I see it was truly perfect timing.

We really got to know each other, not just my husband and I, but the kids, too. I had a good idea what I was getting into becoming a full-time step mom. And it took time for Mr. Right to eat these words from when we first started dating: “Just so you know, I’m never getting married again.”

Someone obviously had other plans.

If you’re imagining roses and butterflies sprouting, let me bring you back to reality. The statistics for blended families aren’t great – 60% of second marriages end in divorce.

That’s even more disheartening than the 40 to 50% statistic that first time married people face. I can see how it happens, too. Kids are involved, an ex is involved – suddenly the fairytale of you and me forever gets a lot more characters.

Looking back on the past four years, I see a truly healthy marriage, and I think others do, too. My mother-in-law said something that sticks with me: “Marriage isn’t that hard. You just have to like each other.”

That makes all the difference, right? When you like your spouse, it’s always fun to spend time together and make the other person and priority.

I’ll go on the record and say I don’t just love Mr. Right – I like him, too.

This month’s column is a tribute to the marriage we’ve created. We make a blended family work pretty smooth – and I think our ideas could inspire some love and romance for you, too.

Here’s some secrets on how to make being married in a blended family stick – while liking each other at the same time.

Get marriage help in good times. Not just the bad. We’ve been through the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage DVDs and a marriage retreat through thinkmarriage.org, a local non-profit agency. Both of these did wonders for our marriage. They weren’t exactly Mr. Right’s idea, but I know he’d agree they helped us. Our marriage grew stronger and we learned strategies to avoid making mountains out of molehills. You can even sign up for counseling with Corey from the comforts of home. Keep learning and getting advice. We never know it all.

Make sex a priority. Being best friends is great, but this is more than friendship. How you make sex a priority is up to you – your relationship has it’s own intricacies. I can only promise you that when it’s truly a priority – like paying the mortgage or spending time with your kids – you’ll be less stressed, happier overall and your marriage will be stronger.

Write your own rules. Here are some rules we really try to keep. Write down your own and put them in a place you’ll be reminded, like the inside of your medicine cabinet or the back of the bedroom door.

• Daily: Spend time alone to embrace and talk.
• Weekly: Go on a date.
• Monthly: Go on a mini vacation. Spend the whole day together, travel to a nearby city for one night.
• Yearly: Go on an extended trip alone.

Don’t get too negatively wrapped up with the ex. Since we don’t always see eye to eye, I try to avoid dealing with the ex and her personal views. She’s her own parent and I can’t change that. When the kids compare us, I just remind them in a nice way that I’m going to stick with my own ideas on how a to be a good step mom.

Accept the role. In our blended family, I’m a step mom, which is different than a birth mom. Even though not everyday is a good day and not every obstacle is handled perfectly – I love the kids and my role.

Realize: to the kids, I’m the competition. I’m just one more person trying to get their Daddy’s attention. Now that I’m aware of that, I don’t always try to be included in bonding time. Sometimes I let them walk off together, just a Dad and his son or daughter. I know my turn will come, too.

Keep it nice and simple. Give each other compliments, touch a shoulder, hug, kiss, smile and wink from across the room. Steal little moments throughout the day to flirt with each other. Like this:

Mr. Right – I love you with all my heart.

Happy Anniversary.

(photo by millzero)

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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Gary Smalley of smalley.cc.

If you are preparing for remarriage or helping couples prepare for remarriage, you need to know there are many unique circumstances and situations that make remarried hearts more vulnerable to confusion, hurt, anger and conflict than hearts looking forward to being joined in a first marriage.

If you’re already remarried, you probably know exactly what we mean.

Closed for Business

When a marriage ends because of death or divorce, it leaves a void, an empty space in the heart, whether you experienced the loss or were the one who did the leaving.

Regardless of how a marriage ends, it causes devastation, even when it is accompanied by a feeling of relief.

When a loss of such magnitude is suffered, people react in a variety of ways to try to fill the now-empty space inside or to dull the guilt and pain of the consequences that came with their actions. Some numb the pain with alcohol drugs, food, work, television or any other method or substance they can think of to escape. Some let their anger take over the space inside, growing roots of bitterness toward a former spouse and dead-bolting the doors of their heart. The most common way that most people fill the void left by a spouse who is no longer there is to jump too quickly into a new romantic relationship.

Talk to remarried couples about what they did right and wrong during their courtship. Find out how they feel they could have better prepared for remarriage.

The problem with all of these misguided efforts is that they cut off the healing process and keep the heart in pain—but the one in agony doesn’t know it!

The “good” feelings induced by alcohol, drugs and even food, or the emotional high of receiving affection and admiration from a new person form a nice, neat scab over the heart’s gaping wounds. But without taking time to clean out the heart first, the deep emotional wounds will eventually fester and hearts will become closed for business

Shortcuts Short Circuit Healing

There is no way to get around one universal truth: Healing takes time.

Lots of it.

In the national video-based series DivorceCare, founder Steve Grissom and other experts say it takes years, perhaps as many as five to seven years, to fully recover from divorce. Yet in the United States, three-fourths of those who divorce legally remarry, and most of them do it within four years of their divorce.

In fact, some statistics show that about one-third of those who divorce remarry within a year!

When crucial healing time is short-circuited by remarriage, the probability that the new marriage will fail increases greatly. Why? Because wounded, broken hearts can’t really bond to another person until they are healed and transformed. Plus, remarriage comes with so much change and conflict that additional wounds are inflicted on spouses’ hearts.

In the midst of remarriage, there is no time to heal from the original hurts caused by divorce or death, let alone try to recover from the new hurts now piling up. Remarrying too soon after the end of a marriage is a recipe for disaster. In fact, any new romantic relationship that comes within two years of the death of a spouse or divorce will most likely lead to additional pain, conflict and heart damage.

If you are reading these words as you prepare for remarriage and it hasn’t been two years or more since your divorce or the loss of your spouse, please don’t think we are judging you or that you should stop reading now. And if you have already remarried soon after divorce, bear with us. You can still heal and have fully open, loving hearts in your remarriage.

We just believe that it will be a far more difficult task for you to accomplish. You will have to work doubly hard, because when you are already in a remarriage, it is a challenge to love your spouse and the kids, when you also need to heal your own heart. All of these will have to work in tandem, and it may feel like climbing Mt. Everest!

It can be done, but it will be painful, perhaps excruciating at times.

Adjust your expectations about the time it takes to heal. Don’t try to rush the grieving and healing process.

If you are on the verge of remarriage or hope to remarry one day, you are in the best position possible to allow healing. Take that time! The years it takes to fully heal are not a curse of loneliness because your marriage ended. No, you should begin to see them as a time of exciting opportunity to rediscover (or discover for the first time) your relationship with a higher power possibly, to focus on the fascinating person you can be, and to create a life that will complement a future spouse, not depend on a new mate for happiness. Those who use healing time wisely find that their lives are fuller, richer, and more satisfying when they enter remarriage. Plus, the hearts of their new spouses, children, and stepchildren will be safer for it.

Author’s note:
If you are in a remarriage and are wanting some encouragement and advice, please look into attending Gary and Greg’s upcoming live webinar September 2nd. You can find out more information about the webinar here.

(photo source)

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The discussion was respectful, and helpful.

But I do want to clear up a couple of things that were mentioned as well as expand on the idea a bit.

First, is the broad brush picture I painted of males in the post. Let’s face it, when you write something that targets a specific issue or topic that impacts marriage, you generally have to live with a few stereotypes. But I don’t think my picture of men being hard wired creatures who are visual in nature is inaccurate. The male brain is triggered by visual stimuli. Women simply aren’t wired the same.

And second, I’m also not going to back away from the idea that as a married man, 100% of  your sexual energy should be focused within your marriage (more on this in a bit).

When a man goes beyond just noticing an attractive woman (other than his wife) his brain can take that mental picture and run all over the place with it. And many of the places it runs aren’t all that healthy for marriage.

We live in a society that is raising up a generation of men who receive a bulk of, if not all, their sex education from porn.

Porn is a multi-billion dollar a year industry built around one thing, and it’s not sex – it’s masturbation. Porn targets men by portraying sexually aggressive women, which, while there are women who are aggressive when it comes to sex (and I’m sure a few of you will speak up in the comments about this post), most women simply aren’t aggressive.

You’re not wired that way.

Women are wired to be receptive (okay, comment away on this statement).

I’ve written on this before, but its worth noting again: Sex is a metaphor. The way you do sex says a lot about the way you live life, and the way you live life says a lot about the way you do sex (but that’s a whole other post in and of itself).

So is it wrong when a man notices another woman around him? Not at all.

The issue I have is the prolonged stare, the looking her up and down, the not even noticing that she has eyes but if asked could describe in detail her breasts or legs.

Many people have a pretty loose definition of fidelity. Many people believe that being faithful to your partner means you don’t do anything with another woman that you wouldn’t do with your sister. It means not doing anything that you wouldn’t do if your partner were standing next to you, watching.

Fidelity is not the opposite of infidelity. It isn’t what you don’t do, what you don’t get caught doing, or what you wish you could do but don’t.

Fidelity is showing up, with all of your self, for your wife (or husband).

Keeping all your sexual energy in your marriage is one of the most powerful ways to deepen your wife’s trust.

Keep this in mind: for a majority of women, trust=lust.

The more she trusts that she has all of your sexual attention, the more she can let go and let you take her. On the other side of this, you mess with a woman’s sense of trust, you mess up her lust.

For me this means it’s my job to set the tone for my marriage.

And I believe that the standards for marriage are often set too low. Simply staying together and not getting divorced isn’t enough. Simply tolerating one another doesn’t cut it.

I want a marriage fully alive.

As a man who is married to a great woman, I am responsible for myself, and then my relationship. To live with integrity and honor. To live from my strengths and my core. To be passionate and alive.

In other words – to create a great cake of life, with my marriage being the icing.

(photo source)

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When I knew I needed to find a way to bring in some extra money I started a little used book business in my hall closet. I would buy used books at thrift stores and then resell them on half.com and eBay.  I actually made some money doing this and was able to do some extra things with my kids, like go on vacation.  But that is an entirely different blog post!

I wanted to share with you some of the things I do still today to stretch our family budget and even get things for FREE.  I have a lot and don’t have room to share them all, so I may have to do another post on this at a later date.

Got Swagbucks?

Swagbucks is a search engine that pays you to use their site. You register with Swagbucks and then search the Internet as you normally would; like you would Google.  Ever so often when you search you will be rewarded by winning some Swagbucks!  You’ll earn a different number of Swagbucks each time you win. Those randomly-awarded Swagbucks pile up in your account and you can redeem them for different items.

I personally save my Swagbucks and redeem them for Amazon gift cards. There are other prizes available too; including iTunes gift cards, Target gift cards, Disney Store gift cards, movie swag, posters, and all sorts of other things! They regularly add merchandise, so you never know what you’ll find in the Swag Store.

Fridays are Mega Swagbucks Days! You’ll earn bigger search awards, so plan to do a lot of your searching on Fridays!  This is a great way to get stuff you would normally purchase for FREE.

Are you a Grouponer?

I recently discovered this site, Groupon.com – a deal of the day site which features local businesses.  Each day, Groupon features an unbeatable deal on the best stuff to do, see, eat, and buy in your city.   The deals are incredible.  I purchased a $25 gift certificate to a restaurant I had wanted to try for only $10.  You can register for FREE and then you are sent an email each morning with the deal of the day.  You can either purchase it or not – plus you can search other cities to see what their deals are. I did that over the weekend and got a custom 16” X 20” gallery wrapped canvas photo print that was regularly $126 for only $45 and that included shipping!  Can you say awesome gift idea?

Head on over and register for FREE and see what comes your way – you might be surprised!

Shop online?

I do 80% of my shopping online, even some grocery shopping!  I have a store in my area which often offers FREE delivery when you spend a certain amount, so I take advantage of that and stock up on regularly used items.  What mom likes to spend 2 hours grocery shopping?  I would rather be doing something else and have Mr. Delivery Man come to my door carrying my groceries or Mr. UPS Man dropping a box off from Amazon (they deliver food items too!)  I get some great deals on cereal, energy bars, and so much more a tAmazon.  When you combine some of their sale items with their subscribe & save discounts, you can’t beat it!  You save time and money; both are sacred for busy moms!  A special secret:  you can buy anything with the subscribe and save rate, even if you plan to only buy it once – you just go in and cancel future deliveries!

Another site I have used to save time & money is Alice.com, an online store that carrys household items, pet food, laundry detergent and so much more.  I check out their site often for sales, they even offer coupons – plus you can get $10 credit in your account when you spend $50.  They have an entire set up to make shopping easier for you and will remind you when you need to order more of an item you have previously purchased, like toilet paper!  Just think, you will never run out of toilet paper again!!

I do almost all of my clothes shopping for my family online.  Whenever I am about to order online from ANY company, I check the website Ebates to see if the site I am ordering from is listed.  Ebates is a shopping site that gives you up to 26% Cash Back every time you shop online, plus when you make your first purchase on any store listed on Ebates you get a $5 bonus.  Each quarter you will receive a check in the mail with the amount you have accumulated in your normal shopping you do online.  There are over 1000 stores including eBay, JCPenny, Macy’s, Nordstrom, Overstock.com and a ton more!  They even offer special discounts and free shipping offers exclusive to this site.  I have earned $134 in the 9 months since I started using Ebates.  This is all on items I normally would have bought, not extra things!  That is they key.

So here you have it, the confessions of a Frugalista.  I love to help others save time and money so am happy to share some of my secrets.  We are all in need of stretching our family budgets and it isn’t as hard or as painful as eating Top Raman for weeks in order to afford a dinner out.

(photo source)

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Summer’s winding down. The kids are heading back to school. And it’s time to finalize your plans for the Fall.

Typically, new school years bring about a chance to do something different for families.

There are new routines. More things added to the schedules. And you get to spend more time driving around from one thing to the next.

But what about the perpetual problems you have between you and your spouse?

What about that issue that crept up over the summer that keeps nagging at you and your marriage?

Or maybe you are in a marriage that’s barely holding on. Perhaps you’ve said or heard the words, “I’m not in love you anymore.” Or you’ve realized that you and your spouse are anything but lovers, you’ve become roommates.

The doors for enrollment in the next offering of Blow Up My Marriage are now open for the Fall Class.

This is a 16 week class that will present you with a radically different way to view your marriage, and then will walk you through how to apply this view to your marriage going forward.

One of the concepts covered in class is a different way to address conflict. A previous class member tried this out with her husband and it worked better than she ever expected.

Here’s some of the other concepts covered in Blow Up My Marriage:

• How to create the best marriage from your strengths, not by looking at what’s wrong.
• How to see that it’s the relationship that’s the issue, not you or your spouse.
• Why you never want to lean on your spouse.
• How to create a great life and have your marriage be the icing on the cake.
• And, how to transform your sex life.

One of the best things about this class is its format. I come to you with all the information and material. New lessons are presented every other Monday (beginning August 30th), which you can read through or listen to. And, thanks to the format, you can work through everything at your own pace.

Still unsure? Or, are you not sure your spouse will be interested? No worries.

You can participate in this class as a couple, or on your own. You can even participate if you’re currently single.

If your spouse does join you, all the better, but don’t let their hesitancy or resistance stop you.

Here’s what a previous class member says about going through this class without her spouse:

I’ve found the class lessons to be personally insightful for me. I’m not sure if I am unique in undertaking this class without the participation or interest of my spouse, but I definitely have achieved personal growth regardless of his effort.  I can really work on my marriage whole-heartedly without him. I’ve also learned that I can be a good mom and a good wife regardless of how my husband chooses to participate in the relationship.  And for that, every dime of my time with you, and in this class, was well spent.

If you have more questions or are still unsure, read here.

Or, if you’ve heard enough and want in? Click here for the enrollment page.

Want more?

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One morning a couple of years ago, I’m typing away and notice a group of guys meeting together. The interesting thing about this is the way they were interacting with each other and those around them.

The guys were obviously friends and enjoyed their time together, but every time an attractive woman walked in, each one of them noticed.

They noticed to the point that their conversations stopped for a moment in order to take in the new addition to the scene. While they said nothing to each other about the objects of their glares, they definitely stared.

Men are visual creatures. It’s hard wired.

I’m not disputing this. The issue I have is each one of the guys was wearing a wedding ring and to top it off, at the end of their breakfast, they prayed together.

Not to be too judgmental but it seems to me if you are willing to pray with others in public, you are declaring you have a spiritual basis for your life and your actions.

I can already hear some of you, “Hey, they were just looking, there’s nothing wrong with a little window shopping.”

To which I’ll respond, “Really?”

There’s nothing wrong with the quick glance to notice those around us, but the lingering stare, that’s a different story. The stare may not lead to an affair, but it can lead to mind wandering.

Most men don’t need any help in the mind wandering department.

Our thoughts can go all over the place without any encouragement from visual stimulation. So much so that if we could truly read people’s thoughts, many of us may be locked up.

By ogling other women, we open the door to the “what if…?” thoughts. You begin to wonder about other people beyond your wife. You may begin to wish our spouse looked, dressed, or acted a certain way. You also are spending some of your sexual energy outside of your marriage.

Frankly, women are under enough pressure as it is in the body image department. We don’t need to add to it.

Here’s how this ogling issue may play out.

You’re going through your day and an attractive woman walks by in a revealing outfit. You take good notice and continue on about your day. That night, while interacting with your wife, her picture comes back into your mind. You disconnect from your spouse. The more this happens, the harder it becomes to fully engage again. You begin fantasizing about other women during sex. Your wife will notice the disconnect and most likely think she’s at fault. She’ll personalize the fact that you’re not into her, thus increasing the growing gulf between you.

Soon, your interactions, sexual and otherwise, are just acts. Just going through the motions. While for a time that may be alright – it won’t last. Many of the couples I work with in my practice are coming because their marriage has turned into being roommates rather than spouses and lovers.

So what can you do?

1. Be proactive.
   Use the deviant skills for good. Rather than positioning yourself in order to get a better look or steal a peek, do the opposite. Make it more difficult to stare. Watch those you are around for cues. When an attractive woman walks in now, I try to watch those around for their reactions rather than watching her.
2. Bounce your eyes.
   Noticing other women is inevitable. Staring and looking her up and down is avoidable. Whenever an attractive woman enters the picture, work on your eyes bouncing from the initial glance to something else. Don’t linger. Engage the people you’re with. Get back to whatever you are working on. Get your eyes back on the road. By bouncing to something else, you can limit the amount of wandering thought ammunition to the brain.
3. Be a man.
   The person on the other end of your stare is a human being. They have hopes and dreams, hurts and disappointments. She’s a daughter of Eve. The manifestation of God’s beauty. She deserves respect. Even if she’s flaunting her body to everyone, she deserves to be respected. On top of that, she is the daughter of someone. If I begin to glare, I think how I would feel were the glare directed at my own daughter. Any man who doesn’t respect my daughter will have to me to answer to.
4. Rely on a band of brothers.
   Surround yourself with like minded men. One of my friends I really respect was great in this area. While playing basketball with him, when every other guy on the court would take notice of the women coming and going from the club, he would walk the other way or turn around. He may have been poked fun of in the beginning, but he was respected by each of the guys there in the end.

This idea is another concept taught in the Blow Up My Marriage Class.

Alright fellas, any other tips that will help?

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Take a moment and look at your own relationships. It doesn’t matter what the current state of the relationship is, these two topics are present.

Communication and conflict are everywhere.

In fact, almost every couple I’ve worked with has come in to therapy with the belief that the source of their problems are because they cannot communicate.

Lets get a couple of things out in the open as we begin. First, you cannot not communicate in marriage (or any relationship for that matter). And second, conflict is inevitable in life.

To handle and actually use these issues in your relationships, it boils down to how you view them – and then what you do with them.

What you focus on – grows.

This philosophy is true in life and marriage. If you focus solely on what’s wrong, everything will appear wrong. Don’t believe me, watch only the national and local news and tell me how this affects your worldview. Better yet, watch CNN or FOXNews for 24 hours straight. You’ll likely think this whole world and everyone in it is evil incarnate.

Many times we navigate life by seeking out and marking the dangers and pitfalls to avoid. While this seems like a logical way to plan out life, how about this?

I’ve always loved to snow ski. I started when I was 6 and having being skiing ever since. One thing I like to do while skiing is ski through the trees. The powder’s better, it’s quiet, plus the added risk increases the adventure.

Want to know the key to skiing successfully through the trees?

Don’t look at the trees!

Instead, focus on where you want to go between them. If you spend your time focusing on the trees, you’ll end up hitting one.

This principle applies to life and marriage as well. If you focus on where you want to go and your role in the process, by default you’ll avoid most of the pitfalls and issues along the way.

This idea is expanded upon and is one of the foundational concepts in the upcoming Blow Up My Marriage Class.

Monday, August 30th begins the next offering of the Blow Up My Marriage Class. A 16 week class which will walk you through a radically different way to view what happens in marriage, and what to do with this new paradigm.

In this class you’ll learn:

• How to create the best marriage from your strengths, not by looking at what’s wrong.
• How to see that it’s the system that’s the issue, not you or your spouse.
• Why you never want to lean on your spouse.
• How to create a great life and have your marriage be the icing on the cake.
• And, how to transform your sex life.

Thanks to the format of this class, I’ll come to you with all the material and information.

The doors will open for the class next week (or you can sign up to be notified early and get first dibs on your spot at the bottom of the page here).

Still have questions or want more information? Click here.

Want more?

Get the Steps to a Simple Marriage EBook here.