Silent Sins And Curiosity

of course..

2009-07-06T18:03:00.003-04:00

change has come. as i sit here, i'm reflecting on the past month. it was a big move towards someone i want to be.

i haven't felt the sudden fear or paranoia i used to get whenever i entered public places.

i may still deal with depression, but i know that help is coming my way very soon. of course, i may have to take medicine to control it, but i'm slowly getting to the point i'm OK with it. i have to. i just know it. soon i'll be me again.

"it feels so nice having my calender finally filled."

So..

2009-06-05T19:37:00.002-04:00

I got lazy and didn't bother to write anything down. Typical me. Well, anyways... I got a bunny! Yes, a bunny. I went to the flea market a few days or a week ago, I dunno, and got 'em for 10$ (I think?). His name is Travis! Adorable and a total brat. My sense of time has been lost once more from all of The Sims Life Stories I've been playing lately, and FF12 or something like that. Memory is going kaput too.

Ne'ways, I'll try to type some sort of experience about my show I saw back on May 9th and post it, but that might take a little while since I have stuff going on in the next month or two. Tons of doctor drama and a trip to do for a week. Stressful, yes. I just hope that I can make it and not burn out of energy like I've done so many times in the past. Uggh. A post about how music has affected my life might pop up.

Toodles for now.

One word:

2009-05-28T01:56:00.002-04:00

FUCK.

NINJA..

2009-03-20T21:15:00.007-04:00

I'm probably going to regret this entire post in a few days or so but I have to update you all on my beyond boring life! So.. the NINJA tour will begin soon! They released a six song EP containing unreleased songs from all three of the acts. (Yes, three. Two songs each and Street Sweeper is in there too!) Of course, before that happened Mr. TR had a plug pulled and a BSOD (Um, not really. Are ya nuts? He's a Mac wiz.) happen. EPIC!

Anyways.. I've learned what paper, paints and colored pencils are again after not drawing on physical things for probably over a year or so. (I got sucked into the digital nerdness) It's probably from me switching from Windows to Linux and not having my tablet drivers on here.. heh.. heheh. I didn't tell you that about that, did I? Well, I finally threw Windows out the door and made the switch to Linux.

But, uh.. besides that I haven't been doing much besides growing a bigger potty mouth and getting more cranky about peeps complaining about the world being so "stupid" and "inconceivable". Oh, that and I've been going down to my local park (that's like two blocks away from here Yeah, you suck and I rock.) I also scare little kiddies while I rock out on the swings. Did I mention it has a beach? Fuck yeah.

Alright.. now back to thinking so hard about how to get to a NIN show that my brain fries like chicken.

Take My Camera Away

2009-02-28T20:30:00.004-05:00

OK, take it away.. now.

Josh Freese

2009-02-27T20:38:00.003-05:00

OK, I bet you're sick of me talking but I have one last thing for today - Josh Freese. Yeah, I forgot to mention him a day.. ago? I forgot, my brain is forgetting everything since I had a killer headache today. Anyways, besides me being in pain (which one of my lovely readers will find funny).. Josh Freese will be releasing a new album on March 24th. He just released one of the tracks for free on his website; all you have to do is entire yer email and you're dancing like a monkey on crack. Have fun while looking at his insane pricing packages 'cause I sure did.

Brad Sucks

2009-02-27T17:17:00.001-05:00

So, one of my favorite indie bands (er, artist? I mean, he's a one man band..) posted this video a few days ago and I couldn't help but show you all. I found it funny.. (But then again, I'm nuts.)

blindoldfreak

2009-02-20T18:41:00.004-05:00

Most of you should know of Alessandro Cortini's (Nine Inch Nails, Modwheelmood, other shit I can't think of right now) new project: blindoldfreak. Today his new EP "1" was released digitally on amazon and itunes. It was also released on CD, but that sold out quickly along with some t-shirts on his tour that he did in Canada recently. Go ahead and grab it 'cause it's awesome.

Warning: If you don't like spacey buchla music then don't even bother.

The Light Shines

2009-02-19T18:26:00.005-05:00

Yes, lame title. Whatever. Yesterday I was talking with my granny about my plane ticket and she offered me three places I could go: See my uncle Todd, Eric or my father. I didn't really want to see my dad because (most of you readers should know..) that I have a shittastic relationship with my parents. So... I chose my uncle Todd. Haven't seen him since, like, what? Thanksgiving of '04? Well, anyways, I'm excited about getting out of this place for a week or two. On another note, I had a pretty good day for once. Maybe the shitty is swinging back into the goody? I dunno but all I know is that I'm hanging on.

Edit: Happy smiley face is happy. Maybe a little too happy.

Reeses

2009-02-16T00:11:00.006-05:00

I love Reese's but I got this huge ass bag of Reese's, kit-kat's and mini Hershey bars for v-day (or fag day, in my book). M&M's too. Of course, I couldn't help myself (I'm a huge chocolate fan, eh) and dug into the peanut butter-y goodness without a care until I had one too many and started feeling sick. I think this is the reason why you only get me maybe a piece or two of candy.

Ugh, my stomach is turning just looking at that picture to the right. Need a bucket badly.

Edit: Fuck. Too much NIN. Brain's fried like a fried chicken suit.

I Am Lame

2009-02-15T22:57:00.001-05:00

Is it bad that I have a total fan girl attack whenever someone I think is really cool responds to one of my emails/PM's? I normally try to keep it to a minium but sometimes I can't help it and I squee until I'm light headed and then I start typoing like someone on crack. (Like right now)

Dude

2009-02-14T19:17:00.004-05:00

Listen to this. It's amazing and I think more Ninnies (Jesus christ that feels weird saying that, anyways..) should be listening to this. It's a-fucking-mazing. Thank you, Mofo (again, feel weird saying this, haha) for sticking through our crazy hissy-fits and putting this stuff out there. Thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, and thanks.

Um..

2009-02-14T19:13:00.001-05:00

BUHHH BUHH BUHHH. THE BIG COME DOOOWWN..

Sorry, just wanted to say that. I promise I'll dig up something in me that wants to rant and bitch and go mopey.

MWM

2009-02-13T23:00:00.001-05:00

This song gives me chills down my spine.

Dude.

2009-02-12T17:09:00.001-05:00

I forgot I had this blog for an entire day.

Opps.

OK..

2009-02-10T23:41:00.005-05:00

OK -- I actually drew something besides blabbering on about how much I love what TR does and how much I love my Gram's, etc.

PS: I need to use spell check more. :'D

I'm so glad...

2009-02-10T18:59:00.004-05:00

For music. I swear if I didn't have it I would be self medicating with something that.. who knows, could have been drugs, cutting, etc. I'm addicted to and in love with music. It seems for every mood I'm in there's a song describing it. Almost feels like the singer is saying everything right to me. Sometimes it makes me cry like a baby because it hurts to admit that I feel like that or it sends shivers down my spine with how incredible it is.. the guitar singing along or maybe even crying along with the singer's voice, the drums, the bass.. and even the piano and synths. Even the little things like claps or humming in the background.. I love every single bit. Normally what makes me fall in love with a song is either the rhythm that the guitar has or maybe even it's that one note that made me listen to the song on repeat (for example, "3 Libras" by A Perfect Circle). I won't carry this on too long so I'll get to the point.. I want to thank every single musician out there who takes the time to put their wonderful tunes out for us lucky fans to listen to and share with others.

Ugh

2009-02-10T18:49:00.000-05:00

I feel like a fucking failure. Don't need to explain.

It Amazes Me

2009-02-10T15:44:00.002-05:00

It amazes me how bad the music industry has gotten over the years and where it's at now. 'New artists' pretty much sample off older songs that were done back in the 60's and 70's (Maybe later, I dunno.. I haven't been keeping track of the stuff on the radio for about two years now) nowadays. It makes me sad, really. Several years ago the biggest artists at the time would easily sell 10 million albums but now it's maybe 1 or 2 million. Yes, I know, the "economy" is the reason. People, really.. we need to stop pointing our fingers at something and actually get up and start working on this shit. We can get the REAL artists to be noticed and looked at and the not so good ones.. well, I dunno.. we can leave the kids who wear their pants hanging down so low their undies are showing and walk around with a 'hardcore' attitude to listen to that stuff. I really wish that rock n roll would come back..

Jubilee

2009-02-09T23:46:00.001-05:00

Jubilee = addicting. Must listen to Rebel Hiss. Also, there's alotta flashy lights and alotta hair shaking so, uh, if you have a seizure problem or something along that line.. don't watch.

I'm Bored

2009-02-08T18:26:00.000-05:00

I love these pictures... I swear I'll get back to doing posts that're actually about something but right now my muse ran off to musicland. I'm sorry, poor readers.. (not really)

It Chokes Me Up Everytime

2009-02-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

When I first heard "And All That Could Have Been" by Nine Inch Nails I thought it was a beautiful song until a few days later I decided I'd take another listen and look at the lyrics... When I did that it hit me hard in the face. My eyes started getting blurry (tears) and my lower lip quivered. It was one of the most gorgeous things I had ever heard.. just like John Lennon's "Imagine".

Yeah, yeah.. I know that song gets maybe a little too much attention but it's in the top ten of my favorite songs. Anyways, AATCHB reminded me of my shitty relationship with my Mother and Father (em, scroll down to "Open Letter To My Grandma"). One part of the song that hit my heart directly and tugged at my inner emotions was "I know you tried to rescue me

Didn't let anyone get in" because, well.. I'm known to keep to myself and not talk to others about my problems until it's the last moment and I explode, which causes more pain to others than me. Man.. such an amazing song from a great musician who I look up to and admire and have been inspired by.

I love other musicians a lot like The Who and stuff but.. I don't know. I'm always amazed and in awe with how he gives to his fans. Y'know, like giving The Slip away along with the first part of Ghosts I-IV. Don't forget that 405 GB's of HD footage. 405 GB.

Damn. It also surprises me how there's fans out there that are working hard at making great edits just for other fans.. eh. That's a true, dedicated fan base. I've said it before and normally I don't repeat myself but this time I think it's worth it, "Once you're addicted to Nine Inch Nails, you're always hooked." I wish you good luck with everything you're doing now and what you plan to do in the future, Reznor.

I hope all the best for you and that now that you have the freedom you've deserved for such a long time that you'll be happier, more inspired and ready to kick out those tunes with ease. Thank you for all the great music, laughs and tears over the years.

From one of your semi-sane fans.

Note: I dunno where it came from. I just started typing away and here it is.. eh.

Aaron North Rocks

2009-02-07T18:36:00.000-05:00

I can't stop watching it. The kicking. The guitar spins. The dancing.

Open Letter To My Grandma

2009-02-07T00:43:00.000-05:00

Dear Grandma,

I just wanna say that I love you.. and I know you know that, but sometimes I can't say it enough. I know that this "jail" thing is scaring you -- it's scaring me too. I don't like to say it cos it makes you upset, but it does. On a much higher level than I said before.

Every time I hear one of those fucking sirens outside I jump and start thinking they're coming after me or you, or even grandpa. You know one thing I wish I could cure for you is your bi-polar. I know how much the term "mental illness" bothers you.. it bothers me too. Something I wish you could know is how depressed I get sometimes and how I beat myself up mentally over stupid things. I hate doing it, but I do.

It's just.. built in, I guess. I've been doing it for years.. pretty much ever since Grandpa had his heart attack. I remember crying myself to sleep in my dad's guest bedroom saying it was my fault when it wasn't.. it was bound to happen since he was basically born with the heart problem. I just didn't know that at the time.

Man, I wish I could turn time back and erase all the screwed up things that happened. But I can't. I have to move on from the past and put it to rest. So do you. And hey, don't be worried.. I'll be here to help you get over them.

Even the really hard ones. Like my parents. It still pisses me off to this day that my dad put the blame on you for all those things when in reality it was his fault. And my mother's.

Damn, I can't believe the fucked up things she said to me and you, and I barely remember what happened when we first moved down here.. I was such an angry person. It's all a blur. But as you said in the past, I had a reason to be mad. I still do.

But I'm letting go of that anger, slowly. I just wish she didn't say all the lies about things.. y'know, like the time she said I flipped that guy off in the car? And the time Kevin told my father off the phone? Yeah, those kind of lies.

Even the "I'm sick right now and I can't come over to visit you for an hour." I won't keep going on about the past so, once more, I have to thank you for being my best friend, mother, grandmother and my everything. I know if I was with my parents right now and not you and grandpa I would be a completely different person. Almost scares me to think of who I might have been.

I want you to remember this, and I'll say it whenever you're down in the dumps..

"Imagine there's no Heaven

It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"

- John Lennon, Imagine

Just imagine.

Love,

Your daughter, friend, grand daughter and much more,

Raven.

I'll be there for you always.

(it's another sob post.)

Dudes..

2009-02-06T21:59:00.001-05:00

Aaron, honey, if yer gonna grow a beard.. please dye it. Along with your eyebrows. It disturbs me. That is all.