There was a time when I felt defined by all the things I was. I now realize, I am equally defined by all the things I am not.

Why I am humbled seems obvious.  These are guys who went off to serve our country, and then came back broken.  Shrapnel buried in their bodies, invisible wounds to their heads, their families broken apart, many taking their solace in heroin or booze.  HealingPath can be one small part of their recovery process.

Why I am scared might be a bit less obvious.  The fact is, I’m a civilian.  They are a world apart from me - they have a code, an understanding of each other, that I will never have, and would/could never fake.  I need them to accept that I want to give them the tools to help themselves, with their understanding that I can never fully understand the price they’ve paid to serve our country.

My first presentation went well last week, and so some of my anxiety has been calmed.  It may have helped that I did the one thing that I believe has the potential to bridge any gap that might exist - I offered them homemade peanut butter cookies the next time I come.

I figure cookies are a universal social and cultural translator.

My friend Coleen has agreed to chair our summer fundraising event. In years past, we did Paddle for Families. I loved having a kayaking event, but many on my board hated this event because they felt (rightfully so) that people who did not kayak could not participate.  So this summer, we are in for a change!

Coleen has agreed to redesign the event.  She is a veteran event planner and is wonderfully creative - a fantastic combination to have on our side.  So for the first time in months, I feel hopeful about our summer event.  And that anxious feeling that I had no idea how I was going to get it all done is gone - pause for audible sigh of relief.

And that is the key to building long-term success for Families in Recovery.  I am accustomed to doing most everything.  But as we are starting to grow, that is no longer viable. As a founder, I need to learn when to get out of the way. Thanks to Coleen’s offer to help, I can do just that.  Next stop - finally taking Jeff up on his offer to redesign the website and taking Mike up on his offer to design a book for us!

1. What are the upsides to surviving Cancer?

2. What are the downsides to surviving Cancer?

3. Does your cancer…?

a. Haunt you like an unwelcome ghost

b. Hunt you like a pack of starving wolves, or a cat, or Ahab

c. Remind you daily that the two of you are inextricably linked, like ex-spouses who share children, and that the opposite of cancer survivor is cancer victim and not “never had cancer” since you’ve been irreconcilably taken from that group

d. Teach you and embrace you and empower and enoble you to strive to become the person you’ve always wanted to be

In the years since, my diagnosis and treatment have haunted, hunted, exhorted and persisted.  I thought these feelings would have diminished by now, many years later. I was wrong.

As someone whose never been to a support group, and who finds even with other Cancer survivors there is a tendency to not go too deep, that I have no idea if I am alone in these thoughts.  I would guess the answer is a resounding no.

Cancer redefines us and reshapes us.  And for me, not seeing Cancer in every aching joint, every new discomfort, every piece of burnt toast is tough.

But if I ignored the wonderful lesson it taught me; if I did not embrace the astonishing opportunity that comes from the least subtle of reminders of my mortality…I’d be a fool.

The real question then becomes “Would you trade the lessons surviving has taught you, the wisdom and the perspective, in exchange for never having gone through Cancer in the first place?”

How would you answer?

1. 36 countries have lower infant mortality rates than us. We are behind Cuba.
http://www.geographyiq.com/ranking/ranking_Infant_Mortality_Rate_aall.htm

2. 171 countries have a longer life expectancy rate than us.
http://www.geographyiq.com/ranking/ranking_Life_expectancy_at_birth_aall.htm

3. 13 countries have fewer preventable deaths than us. France is almost half.
http://www.allcountries.org/ranks/preventable_deaths_country_ranks_1997-1998_2002-2003_2008.html

4. We do lead in one metric. Only 1 country spends more of their GDP on healthcare than us. That is the Marshall Islands. Their GDP is 0.00001 the size of ours. Rounding out the top 5 nations are Niue, Timor-Leste, and Micronesia
http://www.photius.com/rankings/total_health_expenditure_as_pecent_of_gdp_2000_to_2005.html

If you think our system of healthcare is the greatest in the world, you must first ignore all the dying babies, all the elderly dying younger, and all the people dying deaths that were preventable.

And keep in mind, this does not even come close to a full analysis. Do 10 minutes of research and you will see that we spend more than anyone else and we have little to show for it.

And to those who think universal care would lead to healthcare rationing, you are too late - we already have healthcare rationing in our country.

We just do it with money.

If you believe at all that getting insurance for 31 million people is important, go to Organizing for America and send an email to congress telling them to support reform.

It turns out the poor girl was sick. Within moments, I was in the bathroom with her, holding her hair and her hand alternately as she threw up again and again. For perhaps an hour, I helped comfort her, gave her medicine and a bath to cool her down, and sat with her in bed till she fell asleep again.

Here is what has haunted me since. What if I was an alcoholic? What if I was too drunk to help her? What if she’d woken me, but my drunken state was far meaner than my half-awake state?

These thoughts have stuck with me since that day all those months ago. It is thoughts like these that drive me to keep working on Families in Recovery, even when I am tired of all the work. Even when I am scared I am going to fail. Even when I worry that no one is going to answer my call.

But I do not drink - I quit in high school before I could even really get started. And after a moment of frustration, I was fully awake and engaged with my oh-so-needy little girl. I was the parent she needed me to be.

In homes across this city, this region, and across this country, there are kids - millions of kids, who do not have the parents they need. These kids likely know better than to wake the alcoholic parent. They might seek the other parent, or a sibling, or no one at all. And some might try and be sick as quietly as possible so as to NOT wake the alcoholic parent out of fear.

All around us, there are kids who would have been alone in that bathroom, no one to hold their hand, no one to bring them medicine or comfort.

That is why Families in Recovery needs to exist. That is why kids need to hear from us that there is hope. That is why parents and the community need to know what family alcoholism is doing to our children.

And that is why if any of my kids come into my room at 3:00 AM and startle me out of my sleep, while I can’t promise not to get cranky till I am fully awake, I will be able to help them no matter what they need.

Every child deserves the same.

In the following exchange on the Post Tribune of Northwest Indiana web site, Dr. Wallace correctly discusses the nature of the disease. But at no point does he tell Nameless that he and the other children in the house are also likely going to need help and support since they are impacted more deeply than they might think.

These types of opportunities to teach COAs that recovery for the alcoholic will not automatically translate to recovery for the children in the house. In HealingPath, we talk about separating recovery. This is a perfect example. I wish Dr. Wallace had gone a bit further and talked about the needs of Nameless and the other children, in addition to the needs of the alcoholic.

Here is the exchange.
Dr. Wallace: Please answer my question. My mother has been identified as an alcoholic. Our entire family is trying to get her to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, and she is almost ready to take that step. The only problem is that her sister keeps telling her that it is impossible to cure alcoholism and that she would just be wasting her time going to AA. I know that an alcoholic can be cured. That’s why people go to AA. Will you please print my letter? Because when she is sober, my mother reads your column. — Nameless, Brunswick, Ga.

Keep encouraging Mom to get involved with Alcoholics Anonymous. Her life is much too precious to waste on alcohol.

This got me thinking about COAs. Very few COAs ever seek help for what happened to them growing up. There is a sense that the alcoholic, the disease, is what needs treatment, healing and recovery. In other wrods, most COAs I meet do not seem to think they need or merit recovery. And, by and large, our system does not recognize the needs of children of alcoholics.  So there is a lack of supply and a lack of demand…and a big group of people with screwed up lives and no sense that recovery is possible.

However, just like Ednos, being a COA is a problem that needs to be addressed. Just as Ednos does not fit neatly into a category, and so it is largely ignored, COAs are similar.  But the impacts are real, and can be lasting and harmful. 

This reminds me of anothe metaphor I use to explain being a COA - if you get Cancer from second hand smoke, it is still cancer.

This also makes me think of the scary anti-meth ads that originated in Montana. There is controversy about their apparent effectiveness. Some researchers are arguing that the meth ads actually increase teens perception of the social acceptability of meth use.

From my perspective, scare tactics rarely work for a couple reasons. First, most people see these scare tactics as applying to someone else and not to themselves. When we see bad news, in most forms, we tend to automatically evade, ignore, and deflect rather than own up.

And second, though directly related to the first point, people do not want to feel bad. This especially goes for people who are taking drugs to make themselves feel better, as is often the case. The same holds true for teens. People seek things that make them feel better, not worse.

The thing is, I am not necessarily arguing completely against some scare tactics. After all, any information that is not offered in a completely neutral and benign way has a chance of scaring someone. And for some percent of the people that are considering (smoking/drinking/meth), a scary ad might be just the thing to get them to stop.

But we are kidding ourselves if we think that this is anywhere near enough. At the heart of the scary ads is what I believe to be the cornerstone of effective prevention - education. After all, if an ad showed someone smoking just before being eaten by a zombie, it might be scary but it would do little to dissuade someone from smoking (and might cause others to start). But when the ad says cigarettes will kill you and those around you (or some form thereof) this is a primarily educational ad that uses fear to get attention.

And for me, that is the rub. My time as an educator, as a parent, and with Families in Recovery has shown me that many people learn best through caring and compassion. While there is potentially some small percentage of people who learn best through fear, their numbers are small compared to the much larger number of people who shut down in the face of scare tactics, but who can be willing and engaged if shown compassion in teaching.

For Children of Alcoholics, where feelings of fear, shame and regret can define all of childhood, I can’t see how any teaching that is not compassionate could have much benefit at all.