Schizophrenic Drug Induced Delusions

Leverage FanCon 2011

2011-06-07T00:58:00.000-07:00

Since ConCon 2011 was cancelled, a couple of us put on FanCon 2011 instead for those fans that couldn’t switch their flights and whatnot. It was really small, but hella fucking cool. Electric Entertainment took the time out of their schedules to put together a screening for the premiere of season four, a walking locations tour, and a set tour. Not only that, but Gina Bellman, Tim Hutton, and Aldis Hodge showed up! Since none of them were getting paid for all this, it was probably the coolest thing I’ve ever seen a show do for their fans.

OUR FANDOM IS MORE AWESOME THAN YOURS, BITCHES.

Though I loved ConCon last year, it was nice to actually not have every single second of every single day scheduled. It gave us a lot more time to hang out with our friends and be awesomely stupid and amazing. “Boobs” was the primary topic of the weekend though I guess with my friends, no surprise there xD I drank… probably far too much than I should have in the span of four days, but hey; it’s vacation.

I got laid, lol, which was nice. However that did cause some drama which I wasn’t really prepared for since I’ve never actually thought people gave much of a shit about what I did.

I wish Beth had been there, but I guess she had her kid for the weekend. It would have been nice to… I don’t know. Even if she had come, I doubt we would have had the chance to actually talk, so I don’t know what I wanted. It probably doesn’t matter.

But it was seriously one of the funnest weekends of my life. The end of the month is probably gonna be looking the same way with some of our friends coming down for the Kane concert and Ali’s birthday. Then Rikki’s birthday is like a week or two after I think.

I can’t talk about the season four premiere specifically, but let me say this: number one, it was fucking amazing; and number two, there’s a part in there that’s gonna have you crying. And me? I don’t cry usually. But I totally did, I’ll admit it lol.

I didn’t do the set tour last year so I’m glad I got to this weekend. Seeing it was… really fucking cool. I don’t know how else to explain it. It’s like, you see it on your screen but then you’re fucking in it and… yeah. Just fucking cool as shit, dude.

I’m still wiped from the weekend so I’m not going to do into any more depth with this, but I loved every second of it, and I can’t wait for either the next ConCon or the next FanCon. At this point, it doesn’t matter if it’s official or not because Leverage fans still know how to have a good fucking time regardless.

The Angie Harmon Drama I Seemed To Have Missed...

2011-03-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

I'm really late to the party with this one, but I have been out of the R&I fandom since shortly after season one ended. I'm sure I'll be back full swing by season two, but in the meantime I actually do like to occupy myself with fandoms that are currently airing. Unfortunately, I have a hard time focusing on more than one thing at a time; probably due to the way my BPD likes to the process things. That and in the last six months I haven't exactly paid much attention to my Twitter feed, which is where this whole dramafest went down in the first place.

Anyway, recently I decided that since my fan fic muse for virtually every fandom has been shot to fuck and back again, I should probably catch up on my fic reading. At the moment, I'm currently reading the Jane/Maura fics I missed during my little hiatus, or whatever you'd like to call it. So I'm searching though LJ for a fic that's has both a decent plot, is multi-chaptered, and mature rated (which sadly is quite a tall order now a days for some reason) when I stumbled upon a link to this post. Needless to say, the amount of discussions/comments on it in intrigued me, so I read it. In it's entirety, actually; which my ADD usually cannot comprehending doing. Due to how much drama it caused on top of the drama it was about, it has since been locked for additional comments. But I'm opinionated and even though this is late in actuality, it's completely new to me. And since I actually had a reaction when I read what Angie said, I figured I should share.

While I believe a lot of it was blown up to be something much bigger than it really was, I understand the feelings on this. The second I read what Angie posted, I got really disappointed. This going to sound extremely controversial and probably shouldn't be the topic I start with, but I have to be honest as to why I felt that way, because it may be part of the reason other's felt that way as well.

I think, personally, that that was my initial reaction because eight months ago or so, I was worried about R&I's fate once I read that Angie Harmon was a Republican. Basically, if the R&I writers did at some point decide to go the gay way, would Angie object to it? Now, I'm not political in the slightest. I don't align myself with anyone nor do I ever think I will. But I will be the first to admit that I stereotype Republicans to hell and back because the only thing I have ever read about them is how they are so completely anti-gay. So, frankly, I find no reason to tolerate a group of people who seem to hate the fact that I even exist.

Now, I'm sure there's more to them than that. I'm sure not every Republican is like that. But when that's the only perspective you've had on them, it's a little hard to not be bitter towards any and all of them when it comes to gay issues.

But, because I've always liked Angie's work, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and decided to not relate my personal feelings on Republicans to her, since who we are isn't decided by our political alignment, religious preference, etc. So I found it kind of ridiculous when people started to call her homophobic. As a whole, yeah, I believe Republican's are homophobic - it seems to be the majority, at least from what I've seen (and there is a very strong possibility I may just be extremely naive). But any community is made up of individuals and while the majority might be something, that doesn't mean that everyone is.

Is Angie Harmon homophobic? I don't know. No one would really know except for her, I think. Do I think what she wrote was homophobic? No way. Do I think what she wrote wasn't the smartest choice in regards to wording? A million times yes; her response came off as completely dismissive to the lesbian fanbase. Do I think she meant to offend the lesbian community? Not at all. Do I feel like she did? No; I believe she disappointed us all rather than offended us.

In basic phrasing: she popped our bubble. We had this nice, happy, LA LA LAND Jane/Maura bubble going on and she took a needle to it and popped it. Whether it was intentional or not, it happened. I think because Sasha has, as it was pointed out, been so accommodating to the lesbian aspect of the fandom, that we had been a bit spoiled. Some of us assumed Angie would be just as accommodating. I think she is accommodating in some sense, but just isn't up to Sasha's standards of it all. And that just comes down to the fact that they are two different people with two different outlooks and personalities. It's nothing against Angie, but comparisons are bound to be made.

Frankly, I've always figured Sasha to be the more accommodating one just because of how they act in the series. Subtext wise, I believe Sasha plays it up a lot more than Angie does, which is probably why I write fics where Maura is the one that's crushing on an oblivious Jane. It seems more canon to me than the opposite. That's not to say Angie doesn't do the subtext, because she does, but I don't think it's quite as forthcoming. Angie in a way doesn't even have to be, because Jane is so obviously butch. Her sexuality is just assumed based on the way she acts, dresses, and carries herself. Frankly, due to Jane's characterization in the show, I think it's laughable as hell that she would be considered straight in the first place. I believe Jane believes herself to be straight, which in some ways is why I like it. I think it portrays a pretty accurate description of closeted life.

And this is where people start harping in about the books. About how in the books Jane is straight and her and Maura are nothing more then friends. I'm sorry, it makes me wonder if any of them have even read the books. Jane and Maura are polite to each other, sure, and maybe yeah you can consider them friends, but it's so far off from the television show. The show already fucked book canon to hell and back and you know what? That's why it's good. I enjoy the books, but in no way would I think it would be half as successful if they didn't improve on Jane and Maura's relationship. While I enjoy cop shows (L&O, The Closer) I've never been drawn to the fandom of any of them because they rarely put emphasis on personal relationships, which is where true fandom comes from. R&I does and it makes it fucking fantastic.

Furthermore, I think the mere suggestion that Angie didn't know about the lesbian fanbase/subtext is fucking ridiculous. There is no way that she didn't know. Why? Because even before it aired, the show was written catering to the lesbian subtext. It's in the script, in the words they say to each other, in the way they end up in bed together. Fuck, they had a lesbian episode, which screamed the show knew exactly what they were doing. A lot of the subtext is up to the actors, sure, but not all of it. The show was so blatantly written as a subtext show. The subtext is so goddamn apparently that you don't have to be shipper to see it. Hell, its practically maintext by how obvious it is. Even my straight friends, my straight friends who don't do or know about fandom shipping at all were like "Wow, this show is really gay." Christ, even my mother thinks that the gayness is obvious (she's a fan too - though obviously not quite in the same way I am).

So yeah, Angie knew. She'd have to be stupid not to, which I don't think she is. A little ditsy sure, but certainly not stupid.

I think the main problem is what Angie doesn't know, nor realize, is the kind of impact that the show has on the gay community. I compare it to Xena because I think that's probably the most accurate comparison I could ever compare it to. Xena was not a "lesbian" show, just as R&I isn't a "lesbian" show. They both had subtext that the actors and writers catered to, but not once did they find themselves in bed with each other in that way. Did that make it any less good? Fuck no! Intentional subtext is just as good as maintext to me. Now, if Xena would have aired NOW instead of mid 90s, I'm sure they would have turned it into maintext eventually (if they do a movie, it's been said that they plan to). Will R&I? Probably not. Honestly I don't think that's a step TNT is ready to make yet. Love the network to death, but they aren't exactly the LBGT friendliest. But anyway, back to the point.

I think why so many lesbians liked Xena, and why so many like R&I, is because the lesbianness isn't thrown in our face. Most television shows that feature lesbian characters will make it all about sex and their sexuality. You know what? Lesbians are regular people, thanks; not a sideshow act for men to jack off to. So we see Jane/Maura or Xena/Gabrielle and while the gayness is pretty freaking obvious, it's not all we see. We see their lives, their work, etc. We see them as people, not as lesbians. And that, I think, is one of the reasons this fandom is so important to the lesbian community. It's like recognizing we exist without making some sort of spectacle out of us. It's like we're being respected. It's nice.

So I think when Angie was all like "Okay, I meant a MAN," or whatever, it felt slightly disrespectful in a way. Yes, we all know that Jane's canon love interests are going to be men. But girl, your lesbian fan base is something crazy and when most of the tweets you get say Maura/Sasha, you should know better than to say something to address that without fully thinking first. Because it did come off a bit disrespectful to a very LARGE group of people.

I don't know. Like, one one hand I honestly feel bad for her. I can't even imagine everything I say being scrutinized and discussed. But that comes with the job, unfortunately. Its also really shitty that she had to see some things her fans were saying about her "not being the sharpest tool in the shed." She may not be a rocket scientist, but that doesn't mean she's stupid. I guess I relate her in the way I do to Eliza Dushku, who I adore to death, but who doesn't post the most intellectual tweets in the world. Angie, quite frankly, made a mistake in her wording. That much was clear. Feelings were hurt, yeah, but I don't believe it was intentional. Do I think she should have went about it in a smarter way? Of course. But we all make mistakes, her included.

I know I have more to say on this, but I'm getting tired and I think I've expressed the main point, anyway: I understand it, but it didn't have to turn into the huge dramafest it did.

End.

MY EGO IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS

2010-11-15T06:17:00.000-08:00

I have to say, if there’s one thing that constantly strokes my hungry ego, it’s hexrpg.com.

To be completely honest, that’s probably why I came back in the first place. My life has been one dull, ego-crushing day after another as I sit on my unemployed ass and pretend that tomorrow I’m going to get up and do something productive. Yet I never do. So I needed an ego boost and Hex has always been the best place for me to get it.

Outside of that, it’s teaching me to have responsibility and be productive again. Not that it’ll help with rent, bills, or the fact that I never leave this bloody apartment; but who needs those things when you have an ego the size of SWITZERLAND! ;D Not that Switzerland is a particularly large country in comparison to say, Russia, but I like its name. Switzerland. But moving on.

I love being needed. While sometimes it’s unfortunate that I have to pry some people’s head out of head and tell them they’re allowed to actually breathe on their own without my say so (in regards to Quidditch), I still can’t help but feel like the site needed me. Well, maybe not the entire site, but the people who actually fucking matter. Everyone else can go DIAF :D /prance

Rikki calls it a game. A game. It is not a game! It’s so much more than that. And maybe it’s a game if you just float around like a weirdo and just post random bullshit all over the place and quickly get the reputation of a spammer (but hey, at least people know who you are, right? >.>), but it isn’t to me. This shit is a lifestyle, bitches. Deal with it xD

Tell me when in a game do you actually NEED to do something? Never, that’s when. You don’t need to go kill the Lich King, or kick the shit out of Darth Vader. No, you want to do those things. If I don’t do the shit I need to do on Hex we would a) lose at quidditch. Miserably. b) the Slytherin newspaper wouldn’t get published c) those tiny first, second, and third years wouldn’t get their freaking Herbology lessons (and we all know how important those are. Right? RIGHT?!) d) The debate… actually no the debate team could probably function without me TBH. BUT I STILL CONTRIBUTE, DAMNIT e) everyone else would win contests and get pretties, and that’s simply not acceptable. I’m supposed to clean up on those, SO SAYS THE WORD OF GOD. f) Adam would have no one to talk to at fucked off times in the morning.

Okay so the last couple were kind of bullshit, but I do have a point in there somewhere.

Furthermore, I have decided that it’s ridiculous that I’m not on house staff ALL THE TIME. Frankly, Rima just needs to let us kick out the useless ones and let me fill in for the rest of the term because the amount of bitching I hear about those fucktards is off the charts.

In non related news, if I don’t win that fucking SA for Bellatrix’s Wanted Poster I’m going to take off someone’s head. You think I jest? I do not, sir. There’s this stupid bitch that thinks Bellatrix is HERS and oh, oh I WILL SHOW YOU HOW WRONG YOU ARE, HOBAG.

I finally did wed my Bella. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I was miffed my Adamface couldn’t be there. I’m still ~~miffed~~ POSITITIVELY ENRAGED that he left us for Ravenfail. This is not acceptable. Adam belongs in Slytherin. Why? Because he has an unnatural urge to slap people and calls everyone his ho while he beats us with Lucius’ pimp cane. THIS IS WHY HE’S COOLER THAN YOU.

It’s so weird to come back after two years and mostly everything feels the same. Though now (finally) Jen and Chase have shacked up and made with the sexin’, which was a long time coming, let me tell you. It doesn’t seem that long ago that Jen came down to live with me for a couple weeks and I turned her into a stripper ;D I’m amazing, let me tell you. Unfortunately, she has left that occupation. How sad. Technically I suppose I did too, but only because I’m too lazy to go to another club and be like HIRE ME, MMK?

The biggest thing that freaked me the fuck out when I came back to that site was that for the first time in, well, FOREVER, we’re winning the house cup. SUCK ON THAT, DOUCHEBAGS! Finally we get points for actually pwning the crap out of the other houses in competitions.

I have no idea why I’m still writing about this, FTR. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken that nap today >.>

FUCK. DEATHLY HALLOWS COMES OUT IN LESS THAN A WEEK! /runs around like a crazy person and falls flat on my face

JOIN ME IN THE AWESOME OR DIE: Hogwarts Extreme: Because You Don’t Need A Real Life!

I NO WANT UR CRAZY DRAMAZ. MELLOW IT DOWN, SON.

2010-10-01T05:04:00.000-07:00

So, me and my roommate Rikki had a conversation awhile back about our radical differences in our television show tastes. About the only thing we truly have in common is "Leverage", though she sucked me into "Big Brother", and I sucked her into "How I Met Your Mother." That's about it. Other than that, I mainly watch crime dramas or scifi dramadys, and she pretty much watches pure dramas/suspense/crazy ass shit that never tells you the answer till the end type of TV shows, or reality shows that make me want to take my head off most days.

But anyway, that made me think about my television choices and what it is that draws them all together, and I'm pretty sure it's the fact that there's not an obnoxious amount of drama. I like drama, don't get me wrong. if you read my fics, it's actually funny because most of my stuff is pure drama and angst, but my TV? I need a balanced amount. Which is why, by the way, I despise "The L Word". Yes, I'm a lesbian and love watching other lesbians make out and be sexy and shit, but that show had so much unnecessary drama it made my head wanna explode.

So. My Top TV show obsessions, and you can see the common denominator pretty clearly:

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (AND ANGEL, BUT YEAH)

Every episode, Buffy (or Angel, respectably) is always kicking some demon's ass or saving the world from hell. But then there's the side drama which basically consists of (in my mind) OMG WHEN ARE BUFFY AND FAITH GOING HAVE SEX?, SPIKE IS MADE OF SO MUCH WIN BUT SWITCHES FROM EVIL/NOT EVIL LIKE A CONFUZZLED PUPPY, RILEY NEEDS TO DIE IN A FIRE, TARA SHOULD HAVE NEVER GOT SHOT, and NO ONE WANTS TO SEE GILES MAKE OUT WITH PEOPLE. NO ONE. EW. Thus, providing a nice balance episode to episode with enough character drama and yet enough of another plot so it doesn't become obnoxiously overwhelming. (and if you want my opinion on Angel, omg the whole Conner storyline needs to be burned and never spoke of again and Season 5 was totally the best season ever IMO)

LEVERAGE

Leverage is actually interesting for me because for the life of me I couldn't give half a crap about the cons. I just don't. I don't even pay attention to them most times (which was a total bitch when I actually had to review the eps for If Magazine). I love the characters and how they're all dysfunctional misfits and I love watching them grow. Season 3 is giving me headache and I'm blacklisting most of it, but I have hope for season 4. And for the love of god, stop making Parker into a fucking Barbie. She was awesome in the first season especially because she wasn't obnoxiously beautiful and, you know, actually RELATED to the rest of us because of that. I mean, come on, we all know Beth is, but Parker looked like a regular person back then (with, granted, an awful fashion sense, but that made her endearing). Can we have that back please? No? Well fuck you then. But anyway! Even though I don't pay attention to who's getting their ass kicked by the Leverage team half the time, I think the balance between characters/cons makes for interesting television. Because as much as I would love entirely character-centric episodes, if there were too many I'd get bored. Fast.

RIZZOLI & ISLES

Okay, well besides this being a cop drama and the obvious answer that every episode has a case, THIS SHOW IS THE GAYEST FUCKING SHOW EVER. & I WANT ITS FIRST BORN. It's like if Xena and SVU had a baby and it spawned this show. No, I'm serious. Anyway, Jane and Maura totally have this unspoken crazy gay love for each other, so what makes this show good are all the moments between them. And as we all know, good things have to come in moderation or it gets obnoxious and overwhelming. If the show was entirely made up of their unrequited lesbian love for each other, it'd probably annoy the shit out of me and I'd want to stab myself in the eye. But no, the cases balance all that out, which makes me wait on bated breath for each new moment that's so gay it's beginning to not even be subtext anymore. Like, really. Now all we have to hope for is that Angie Harmon won't stop the fun train if it's presented to her because apparently because she's a Republican, she must be an asshole to the gays (and to be fair, I'll give that 80% of the time that tends to be true, but I won't judge her until I fully know where she stands). Yay for Sasha though. Just ONE BIG YAY FOR SASHA. I don't need reasons. She's just awesome.

DOCTOR WHO

THIS SHOW. THIS. This is amazing. Every episode they're saving some planet or some other such intergalactic adventure, but you still get sucked into the character drama. LIKE OMG WHO IS RIVER SONG?! AHH. But, okay, I shouldn't get into my crush on River, that'll take awhile. Now, I DO have to say I get sick of the "everyone falls in love with the Doctor" bullshit they've been pulling for a gazillion and a half years, which is probably why I adored Donna like nobodies business. But yes. To reiterate a million times; crazy intergalactic battles vs character drama. Nice balance. AND SOMEONE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE THE DALEKS GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL COLORS. CRYAOLA/POWER RANGERS DON'T INVOKE FEAR. IT MAKES ME GIGGLE. ALOT.

BONES

I admit, I am a Booth/Bones shipper. I usually femslash all to hell and back (and probably still would if the whole Angela/Roxie business wasn't an awful promotional stunt that was poorly managed and made me want to gag). But Booth and Bones? THEY BELONG TOGETHER. And I, like everyone else in the fucking world, bang my head against my desk as they stretch it out and prolong it to the point of absolute INSANITY. But what makes it bearable? Every episode has a case. I also love all the other characters and interns and their side stories. It's good damn TV, really. BALANCE, people. It's about BALANCE. I'm going to keep stressing that lol.

THE CLOSER

Ah, another cop drama. And I'll admit, I only put a picture up of Brenda/Raydor because I want them to have lots of angry hateful sex. Well, okay, I did until they started to kind of get along (which isn't much, but for them it's a milestone) over the whole Chief of Police business. Which we all knew Brenda wasn't gonna get btw, so why even bother? But anyway! This show, like all cop shows, have a case every episode. This is a bit different though because it's pretty much "The Brenda Show" otherwise. Which I don't mind, Brenda is hot and hilarious and I fucking adore her. Also, I think this is the only show that's really be successful with the main character being happily married, and that's EPIC. Fritz is adorable, he is. But Brenda still needs to have angry!sex with Raydor. Now. Anyway! Another nice balance. YAY FOR BALANCE. (oh, and btw, random factoid: this is the first show I've watched religiously since it's aired. I was 18. Aw. I mean, now I have other shows I've done that for, but this was the first. Let's hug it *coddles*)

Now, I'm sure you all are like "wtf, why hasn't she mentioned Xena yet?" Well...

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS

Xena's tricky. Xena's hard to define, period. You can't just say she goes around redeeming herself every episode, because that's not true. She's fucked up and there's even episodes that in essence are completely pointless in regards to that aspect. She kicks someone's ass every episode, which is nice. Hm. That. Yeah, we'll go with that. The ass kicking lol. Anyway, outside of all the ass kicking and saving Gabrielle until she was competent enough to save herself, THERE WAS SO MUCH MASSIVE GAY LOVE. And Xena was different than Rizzoli & Isles (and ultimately, I'll still say better) because hey, back then, open gay characters were not very common on TV. Especially prime time. So they hinted all the could at it without actually saying it. There was actually talk about a movie in the works YEARS ago about them finally coming out as lovers, but god knows if that'll ever get filmed. Oh, and Lucy and Renee were totally awesome about the gay stuff and that's a yay. UGGHHH I MISS THIS SHOW SO HARD. Right, anyway, what's my point? Oh yeah, frankly Xena's too epic to ever be truly define, and other shows weep at it's feet from the sheer awesome. That is all. Oh yeah, and a bunch of crap about balance. (which actually they did with drama/action/comedy episodes being switched around all the time, now that I think about it)

Right, so? My point here is the world needs balance, as does TV shows. If you shove DRAMADRAMADRAMA or ANGSTANGSTANGST down my throat I'm likely to gag. Strangely enough I can deal with COMDEDYCOMEDYCOMEDY, but that's another story.

But anyway, this entry cured me of my boredom, and now I'm getting really tired. So. I guess I'm off.

BALANCE, PEOPLE.

End of lesson.

Oh, and those are all the shows I have to watch when they air or I'll die. FTR. Just in case anyone was wondering, which I'm sure you weren't. At all.

Oh yeah, and Skins is the exception to that rule. That drama sucks me in and spits me back out again & I have to watch every week. But then again, it's a British show, which therefore makes it an allowable exception to the rule. Story; end of.

Yeah, the girls are the only one's worth mentioning right now because I'm gayer than a marshmallow spitting rainbows. However, let me say that the third generation (not pictured up there, that's second) is so much fulgier than first and second. Wtf. They better fix them up real good on camera, cause the only official picture I saw they all looked like asshole compared to the other two.

Honesty

2010-09-28T21:01:00.001-07:00

I tried to write about this a couple days ago when I was drunk, but it ended up being a babble of incoherent sentences that I’m sure repeated the same thing I wanted to say over and over, just in different ways. I mean, I know I have a problem with repeating myself, but I think that’s because I’m always afraid people won’t understand what I mean the first time around. Or the second.

But I’ve come to a point where I need to be honest. I know I’m usually honest to the point of TMI most days, but it’s never about anything important. Not really. Or, well, it’s never about anything I’m ashamed of. This, both of these, I am. So much that ever since then I’ve been having problems getting to sleep at night. I lie awake in bed every night and think about this shit. I can’t help it. Trust me, I wish I could. I’d prefer to have a normal sleep schedule for once instead of lying in bed until 9am.

Anyway, both of these things happened in June.

Most of you know that I had a problem with meth and made it past the one year clean mark. That’s still true. I didn’t lie to anyone about that. But It was kind of fucked, because all it took was being around it one time before I ended up spending $600 on meth in a single fucking month. One time. A bunch of random guys offered to give me a ride to work but they needed to go to their dealer’s house. The dealer lived a block away from me. ONE BLOCK. Are you serious? It was fucking over the moment it started. I was tweeked out through the entire month of June. I think I slept maybe a total of five days out of that whole month. Maybe ate a total of, eh, we’ll give it seven or eight days. It was so sad how EASY it was for me to say yes to it. I didn’t even think twice. Even after being clean for over a year, I said yes without a moments hesitation.

And you know what’s sad? Part of me loved it. I fucking love that drug, I’m sorry. I know it gets me in so much trouble and coming down is like being in hell but sometimes I crave it like I crave air to live.

I love what the drug lets me achieve. I’m a creative person, okay? If I’m not creating something I feel like I don’t have a purpose. But I have focus problems and it can screw up a big project I’m working on if it’s taking too long and my ADD kicks in. Then I’m like fuck this and try to wrap it up as quickly as possible, half assed. Like my fanvids, for example.

On meth, I make amazing fucking fan videos. My Nate addiction one, my Beth Starry Eyed one, my Leverage South Park one that everyone fucking loves? Meth. I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on making shit of that caliber without the focus meth gives me. Especially the South Park one. I mean, finding clips that kind of match to the words, do you know how long that takes? I couldn’t do that to save my life sober.

You know how long its taken me to build my own website right now? For my fan fiction and fan videos? It’s been months, months. And I’m still fucking it off and making it half assed. But when I was on meth, I made my entire Beth Riesgraf fan site in a little over a week. Fuck, to be honest, most of the shit I’ve ever done for Beth has been built on meth, but let’s not go there.

Point is, meth stimulates my creativity and allows me to focus better. That’s why I have a hard time not doing it. I’m not a tweeker that smokes, then fucks off with their friends in stupid ass ways to get arrested, or cleans the house like a maniac. I do shit. Productive fucking shit, thank you.

I’ve been clean since I moved to Portland, by the way, but fuck knows how long that’ll last. I know I can’t see it without wanting it, and how am I supposed to go my whole life never seeing it? But whatever.

I didn’t have the time of my life on it though, of course. The guilt was fucking eating me alive and yet I still kept it a secret. It’s hard when people say “I’m proud of you” and you know that there’s really nothing to be proud of anymore. So, what did I do? I did the same thing I did when I knew I was spiraling out of control the first time on meth: I focused far too much on Beth. Which wouldn’t have been much an of an issue if the situation was still the same as it was back then. Back then I had never met her, back then I wasn’t able to freaking email her. Do you see how this became an issue, and fast? Dear lord.

But yeah, back then, when I fucked off every day and living in a motel room with my three cats and miserable about it, I focused on Beth. I made the website, the YouTube channel. I obsessed heavily because it let me not focus on my own life. So I guess when that happened again, I went back to my comfort zone. Except, you know, this time, it made shit so much worse.

This time, I had already met her. I was able to talk to her whenever I wanted. I ended up looking up to her so much and at the same time developing a sort of crush on her and desperately felt the need to impress her; to get her to like me. It was awful, really, because I’m bad with people to begin with, so I have no idea how to talk to a person normally in the first place. And then there’s her. I was worse with her.

Look at my YouTube channel. Do you know how many fan videos of her I made in June? Every single one I would send her an email to show her and be all LOOK WHAT I MADE BLAH BLAH VALIDATE ME LOVE ME BLAH. It was embarrassing, really. At the time I didn’t think so, I was so wrapped up in trying not to feel guilty about what I was doing that I felt like if Beth liked me than I wouldn’t have a reason to feel so awful. I kind of went overboard though.

And then something kind of went down at the end of the month that made us stop speaking to each other. I won’t go into what it is, it’s between us and really isn’t anyone else’s business, but long story short: she hurt my feelings and I retaliated in a really fucking awful way. Like, I was a huge cunt to her. HUGE. I didn’t yell at her or anything, I didn’t tell her to fuck off or say fuck you or call her any names (to her face, anyway) but I was really fucking mean to her regardless. Now, to be fair, I really don’t think she meant to hurt my feelings. She never meant for me to find out the real reason about something, because if she did, she would have told me straight up. I think she did when she did to spare my feelings, but because I knew the truth I went the fuck off at her.

That was also the point where I realized meth was fucking me sideways. Because when you’re up for a week straight, bipolar like a bitch already, it kind of makes you… snap. And I think if I wasn’t doing meth, maybe I would have taken a second to think about what was going on and respond in a more adult way. But I didn’t take a second to think. At all. I just reacted. Because in that moment I hated her with every inch of my being.

I’m one of those people who do things and don’t think about tomorrow. I’m convinced I won’t be alive much longer so I look at things like it doesn’t fucking matter, only to hate life when I’m still alive and it matters somewhere down the road. And it matters now, I feel fucking awful.

Beth is one of the nicest people I’ve ever met who seriously had no reason to even give me the time of day in the first place, and yet she did. And I think I really ended up hurting her because of what I did. I mean, I’m her biggest fan. I think she’s so incredibly talented, more than any other actress I’ve seen, and I’ve supported her in ways no one else ever has before. I’m the one that always stuck up for her and had her back when other people were being douchebags. So for me to turn around and be horrible to her like that? That really must have hurt.

Yeah, I feel like a cunt.

Not that I’m invalidating my own feelings on the matter. She did hurt me and to be honest I doubt I’ll ever get an apology for it. I’d like to think that it doesn’t matter, but that’d be a lie.

I probably shouldn’t care what some woman I barely know thinks about me, but I do. I can’t help it. She’s important to me, you know? I’ve gone into this before; about how Parker helped me and stuff. I mean, that’s fucking important. And how when I wanted to kill myself because I was in this dark fucking hole of tweaked out shit, I used her to feel happier. I mean, indirectly, she did save my life. So yeah, she’s fucking important and that’s why it mattered.

Anyway, regardless of all of that and how I feel about her side of it, I do know that I fucked up worse. I do know that I had no right to say what I said to her and to act like a complete angsted out teenager on crack. It makes me feel awful because I really don’t think she deserved that, even if she did hurt my feelings. It’s not like she was cruel to me or anything. So, I’ve been needing to seriously apologize to her for awhile now.

Which brings me to her birthday gift and why the fuck that isn’t sent out yet even though it’s been over a month.

All the stuff is wrapped and ready to go out. Has been for weeks. I have a big letter in there in which I apologize for being a complete ass. And has it gone out? No. Why? I’m fucking terrified to send it. This is one of those things where I seriously only get one shot at and I still don’t know if what I said will even make a difference. I mean, I’m shit with people, really. Like absolute shit. I’m worried I said the wrong thing and… fuck, I don’t know. I don’t know what to do with it.

And it’s not fair to everyone else who sent their stuff in. It’s not just my present, it’s everyone’s. Fuck. I don’t know.

I just feel bad about it and this crap keeps me awake at night. Beth, the meth thing, fucking all of it. I continuously beat myself up over it. I can’t help it. That’s just who I am. I’ve never had shit go on this long. Ever. I don’t know how to handle it.

So yeah. There’s honesty right there. The entire month of June and why it sucked. I’ve just kept this shit inside for way to long and maybe, I don’t know, talking about it will allow me to try to move past it. Hopefully. I just need to quit lying to everyone.

Though, in all honesty, I’ll still tell people, when directly asked, that I’ve been clean for a year and a half. I can’t say three months outloud. It’s just depressing.

Fuck. Idk.

Welcome to the death of my Leverage obsession

2010-08-14T05:36:00.000-07:00

You know, I knew this would start happening sooner or later. If I’m to be completely honest, I really thought it would be much sooner than this. Much more of a natural decrease too, or maybe a rapid switch due to other interests or something, rather than this all happening because of what happened with… well, someone specific.

But all good things come to an end eventually, right? This has happened a lot with me because of my Bipolar disorder so I’m hardly surprised by it.

Though I am surprised that this is starting to die out a lot slower than I would have thought, at least due to the circumstances, anyway. Leverage had a real strong hold on me for a long time, that’s for sure. It ain’t going without a fight :P

But it’s beginning not to matter much anymore.

Now, okay, let me be clear: my obsession dying out doesn’t mean I don’t love the show anymore. I’m still gonna watch it every Sunday night without fail. I’m still gonna get my ass to Con-Con next year. I’m still gonna squee over the awesome that is Parker. But when my obsession dies, a lot of things go away.

Fanfic. Fan videos. Graphics. My Beth website (which is already dead, to be fair. RIP). I have no need to read interviews or see behind the scenes videos. You know how much I’ve been missing lately? A lot, and yet I have no desire to go back and look at these things. I just… don’t find that I care much about those types of things anymore. Hell, you wanna know something sad? I know every single name of every episode in seasons one and two and know what happened in each (and some of them can quote the entire episode through). You ask about season three? I’m kinds of screwed on that front. You know I had to go look up the name of the episode the other day where Parker talks about pretzels? Yeah. Bad. Why I know this shit is dying out. I’ve also only watched every episode in season three one time, besides maybe two or three which I’ve seen twice.

And you know what’s messed up more than all that? I was supposed to extra on the series finale of Leverage, but due to some circumstances with people getting sick and whatnot, that didn’t happen. And… I’m not really disappointed. I was just kind of like, “Oh well.” I’m really kind of indifferent about it. Yeah, it would have been cool, but it’s not a huge let down that it didn’t happen.

~~On a side note: how ironic is it that this happened just as I move to Portland? Lol~~

I can’t help but miss it though. I still kind of miss all my past obsessions on some level. My brief stint of YouTube fame where I was a vlogging QUEEN, my Harry Potter one a lot (or more specifically, hexrpg.com), Xena, Buffy and Faith. I do miss them all. I’m starting to miss Leverage already. I’m also starting to miss Beth. Or, I guess, loving her in the way I used to. I still support her, but not like how it was.

I’m glad I’m getting heavily into Doctor Who though (or more specifically, River Song and the actress that plays her, Alex Kingston), because it’s the times that I don’t have something to obsess over that I feel kind of lost. So this came at a really good time for me.

It sucks though. I still hear songs and think “Oh, this will make a great Leverage/Parker/other character video!” and yet… I don’t do it. I have fic left unfinished. Hell, I guess that’s a welcome to the loss of my Buffy/Faith obsession world too though. People are still badgering me to finish those and fuck knows when I will.

That’s not to say that Leverage won’t come back. Sometimes they do, but it’s never like how it was at first. Just brief stints in between loving other things.

But yeah… I realized lately that this is actually the death of my Leverage obsession. I feel kind of sad about it, but it’s not like I can change it.

Welcome to the life of being Bipolar.

you gave me sanity, then took it away just as fast

2010-06-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

I keep waiting for things to change.

I keep waiting to wake up one morning and for everything to feel okay. I keep waiting for things to go back to normal. I keep waiting for the silly joy over stupid things to come back; to get excited over, hell, anything, no matter how small. I keep waiting for the overwhelming desire to create and obsess because without that focus I feel slightly lost. I keep waiting to finally stop crying.

Fuck, I keep waiting to not feel sick every time I try to watch my favorite fucking television show.

I keep foolishly waiting for things that probably aren’t going to change for awhile.

I’m not such a child to be upset over what happened. That I’m okay with; it’s not the end of the world. Yes, it made me happy, but so did a lot of other things before it. It’s not that it happened, it’s why it happened; what it means.

I seriously can’t watch Leverage without it feeling like it’s completely fucking destroying my self esteem. How fucked is that? I watched a whole five minutes of the “The Inside Job” before I had to turn it off, and that was the episode I had been so fucking excited about seeing for months now. And yeah, I could have sat there and watched it and felt like shit the entire time, but fuck that. I’m not going to ruin it. I’d rather wait and see if things change and then watch it and feel the excitement and happiness I was supposed to in the first place.

Nothing should have this much power over me. I should be able to say “fuck you” to everyone and everything and enjoy the things I’ve always enjoyed. But no, because my brain is excellent at destroying my sanity, I can’t. It’s not fucking fair.

What’s worse is that I think I defined myself by my place in the Leverage fandom, because now I feel like I don’t know who the hell I am. Yeah, that’s really screwed up. But hey, I have a mental disorder; at least I have an excuse.

And it’s fucked, you know, that people know I’m upset, and because of it are sending me all these things that if this was any other problem, would put a smile on my face. But not now. Now, they keep sending me reminders of the fucking problem and I can’t even tell people to quit it because the last thing I need is to get in trouble for things I’m not allowed to talk about.

Yeah, I hate this whole “not allowed” thing. It makes me feel like I’m not allowed to have feelings and that other people are more important than I am. No, no one gives half a fuck about Mary’s sanity, all everyone cares about is catering to the rest of the fucking world and making sure they’re okay.

Thanks for piling the self esteem issues on more.

But at the same time, even if I was allowed, I don’t think I would. The problem isn’t anyone else’s business but my own and the people it involves. I’m also not a complete asshole and don’t exactly have the desire to fuck things up for other people, no matter what they’ve done or how they’ve made me feel. ~~Probably because a part of me still feels like I owe them something.~~

Which, by the way, that feeling is that I’m not good enough; that people fucking look down on me. Like I’m some dirty little secret that should be hidden away and never spoke of.

Normally I’d just tell people to go fuck themselves, and while that was my initial reaction, I think the main reason why this is fucking me up so badly is because all of this is coupled with a huge feeling of disappointment. No, I’m sorry; devastation. I’m fucking devastated.

Maybe it’s my fault for assuming that not everyone in this world is a complete asshole though. Whatever.

I just hope that somehow, some fucking way soon, that this feeling stops. I don’t care how and I don’t care why, but I can’t stand feeling like this. But there seems to be no way for me to actually resolve this and get some real answers so… I think I’m kinda stuck this way for awhile.

*sigh*

I just wanna fucking smile again.

Pretending

2010-06-15T18:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been relieved and terrified at the same time? It’s a really awkward combination of emotions.

Everyone’s been asking what I did, why I’m crying, how I could fuck possibly fuck things up, etc, and frankly; I’m honest about a lot, but I have to keep this to myself right now. I’ve talked to a few friends who have assured me I did the right thing, but the fact of the matter is I won’t know until later. I don’t need everyone and their mother knowing what I’m going through right now because it’s already really difficult for me and I guess I never realized how much this is going to affect my emotional state. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to cry that much; think I got some backed up emotions going on here.

It’s also an awkward feeling when you don’t know if you’re crying because you feel better or because you hate who you are, or who you pretended you were, by the way. It’s confusing.

There’s a lot about myself that I’ve hidden from some people, and I guess this ended up being the day where I snapped. I couldn’t go on pretending being someone I’m not and it was too hard to keep up the false façade. And the messed up thing¬ is that I didn’t snap out of anger or frustration; I snapped out of desperation to try to get my point across to try to help someone else.

God, it just makes me sick how fake it all was though. Carefully worded sentences with little smiley faces wrapped up in this pretty little bow of complete absurdity. I’m not that person. Not that I can’t be that person, because I have my moments, but I’m sick of talking to people like they’re made of fucking glass.

I believe most human beings are stronger than we give them credit for.

I don’t know; I just wanted to help and this was the only way I knew how. Hopefully it’ll be taken as such. I could be making a huge deal out of nothing, after all, but I can’t help it after someone said something to me that’s had me terrified and on guard for months now. Sad thing is, I really don’t think they realized how much of an impact one simple sentence had on me.

I know I’m not normal; I don’t think normal and I damn sure don’t talk that way, and to basically assume that someone wouldn’t like me the way I really am, even indirectly, when I’m in this place where I’m striving for approval; it kind of fucked with me. It’s like hey thanks, I had insecurities before, but way to just layer it on! Thanks, really. Jesus.

Especially coming from someone who’s opinion means the world to me… it just, fuck, messed my head up a bit.

( it messed it up a lot )

This probably wouldn’t be as bad if I didn’t always attach myself to the parental figure in so many people. You’d think with the way I so desperately strive for approval with these people that I had parents that didn’t love me. But I did. I do. My parents love me and care about me. So why do I still need that nurturing/protective nature from other people? I desperately need people to love me. Not be in love with me, but just love me. I want love and acceptance and yeah, approval. Maybe it’s cause I’ve grown up thinking I’m not worth shit, that I’m no one, and so I kind of attach myself to any kind of praise or support I get like a drug. And once I start looking at these people like that, it makes me take everything they say like advice, something I need to do, even if it ends up only being just an opinion.

But we all know I don’t follow the leader for very long. I try, don’t get me wrong, but it’s just not in my nature.

Like it or not, I’m an adult and I’m going to make my own decisions, even if they end up being bad ones. I feel like I can breathe a bit better finally though and I like that feeling. I also feel like I can also help when I’m me and not some robotic over thinking fucktard. And I want to help. That was the point. Something that someone said really bothered me and made me feel for them on a very human level, but I have a different opinion, or point of view, on the matter then them and blunt honesty was the only way I could properly express it.

I hope I did the right thing. I really do.

Are you beautiful now?

2010-05-20T02:15:00.000-07:00

It’s an emptiness that feels like it’s hollowing you out. But your skin burns as you scratch at it, trying to rip off the scars that prove your worthlessness. A pattern that means nothing but yet tells a story filled with self loathing and fear. Every mark destroys you; eats at you until there’s nothing left but there’s still the compulsion; the need to try to murder yourself a litter faster than before.

You feel like you’re suffocating but still you can take a breath. Your body feels heavy, but it may only be the weight of your soul. Your feet feel like they’re dragging even though you walk with a steady precision; you know where you’re going – it’s inevitable at this point. You always question the when but not the how; never the why. You know; you’ve always known. It was him and her and them and everyone that paved the road to this place:

Bodies upon bodies and lust upon hate; the weight of one man feels like a hundred because of his number. But it’s required; it’s what you do. It’s what we all do. We play the game and do what’s expected because it’s the way we’ve been taught; the way you’ve been taught. You know how to obey, more than you know how to protest.

The word ‘no’ sounds foreign for all the good it does; most of the time it never makes it out of your mouth anyway. It’s a coy look and a smile; a laugh like it’s a joke even though your skin is crawling because you already know the way this game ends. There is no choice anymore; it’s all a lie. It’s laughable how easy people make it sound; but they don’t know reality. They don’t know what it’s like to feel trapped by repetition and habit.

You learned young, didn’t you?

This is what you do; this is how you do it. And you will always, always give it when it’s needed.

And it broke you.

Fool. You thought it gave you power. Do you feel powerful now? To have lost count? To feel sick every time you touch yourself? But you still persist; let the insanity of this addiction consume you whole and spit you back out again until you lie there; naked and bleeding and wondering yet again why people think this is fun; sexy.

You have the fantasy; consume yourself with it. Of what it’s supposed to be like, what it’s supposed to feel like. So you sit and you write and you run away… but you never run far enough. It’ll never stop, and no matter how much you write about perfection, you will never have it. No matter how much you write about the pain, it doesn’t make it go away.

It was bearable with the distraction. Fill the pipe, spark the flame; watch the smoke swirl in the little glass bowl and taunt you with promises of forgotten nightmares as you inhale and feel the weight be lifted from your shoulders, just a little. But the pipe is broken; the release long gone. What’s left? Your skin can barely handle the torture anymore; mistakes, excuses, and destruction are starting to rise up instead of blend with the background. It’s ugly and that’s something you can’t bear.

You’re ugly on the inside; you must be beautiful on the outside. Fix your hair and pound on the makeup and have cleavage that goes for miles. But that’s not beauty; that’s a sign on your forehead. You make it true; all of it. It’s the way you dress and the way you speak and the habits you’ve fallen into so deep that’s near impossible to climb your way out of. You feel like trash and all you do is make yourself look like beautiful garbage.

So you take a swig of the liquor and swallow more of your new salvation. The room blurs around you but you lather, rinse and repeat as the numbness settles in your chest. It’s a finality; a calm. You aren’t scared, for the first time in your life. It’s an expected closure that you’ve been waiting on bated breath for. You need it; crave it.

Save me.

There are no tears; tears would imply sadness. You aren’t sad; you’re relived. Finally, finally… a promise of peace. The voices stop screaming in your head and you feel yourself smile slightly; the muscles shutting down even in your face making it more difficult. But it doesn’t matter; you know your smiling.

Are you beautiful now?

Tell me, are you beautiful now?

I like it

2010-04-08T01:39:00.000-07:00

There’s always a lot of smiley faces in her messages and sometimes I wonder if it’s to overcompensate for the fact that taking to me has got to be a little weird for her, but she doesn’t want me to know that.

“Take care of you yourself.” Always one of those at the end. Sometimes I wonder how much she knows and how much of a picture she’s been painted at how broken I really am. I don’t ask because part of me doesn’t want to know.

Light; I try to keep it light with her. Be normal. I think I over think the whole being normal thing though so it feels a little awkward. Maybe I’ll get used to it. It’s different with her than it is with him.

With him it’s natural and it’s light because it’s easy, not because I over think things like a moron. I can’t remember if I did when it first started, but probably seeing the situation. I think I just got used to it so I guess I got to get used to her too.

I think that goes both ways though.

It’s still different though. I like it, like both of it; maybe it makes me feel less like the freak I assume everyone thinks I am because of how passionately I throw myself into things.

But I like that some people find me normal enough to talk to and can blur the line just a little bit that most people have to stand so firmly on the other side of.

I like it.

Leverage Convention 2010

2010-03-25T21:08:00.000-07:00

I guess before I start rambling on for about ten pages, to start I’d like to especially thank Dean, Beth, Chris, Tim, and Rikki for making this weekend incredibly special for me. Love you guys, all in your own special way, haha.

This was the best weekend of my life, and I don’t use that lightly. Fuck, I’m not even sure on where to start.

I guess it would make sense to start at the beginning, so Thursday it is. First of all, let me tell you all that my flight went out around 5am EST (the time I usually go to sleep) and got in at 11am PST. I had one hour of sleep, and not a full, constant hour. I was slightly delirious for being up for over 24 hours, but
I was too excited to let it really bother me. I mean fuck, I was in Portland at the freakin’ Leverage convention. Who the hell needs sleep? I was jacked up on Monster for most of that day lol.

Rick came and met me at the airport and we chilled for a little while until I went to go see Dean. I know I never really talked about him in here, at least not by specific name, but I think after the convention it’s kind of obvious that he doesn’t just know me as “hey, that’s the Leverage fangirl.” Dean has been an amazing friend to me over the last year and I owe him, fuck, basically my life. I won’t go into details but he seriously has been an amazing friend to me and has helped me out when no one else would. So getting to meet him finally face to face was awesome. I practically tackled him, ain’t gonna lie lol.

After that I went to the Meet and Greet thingie. I tacklesquished Kimber and then when Sage walked in and I squealed and totally interrupted Marc’s speech (oh well lol). Met Rikki then, but I didn’t know her from Twitter really so we didn’t talk much. That damn room was packed full and was hot as hell. I didn’t eat, though I probably should have lol. My nerves were going haywire though. Afterwards a bunch of us went to Mo Mo’s to get some drinks (or a lot of drinks, if you have seen the video I took haha). I’m not really sure how but me and Rikki completely gravitated towards each other that night and I ended up spending the night at her place instead of at Cole’s. It was fun – I gave Rose a friggin lap dance hahaha. Part of me is like hmm maybe I shouldn’t have put that up on the YouTube channel but the other part of me is like fuck it, I had my clothes on at least xD And it ain’t like my subscribers don’t know what I do for a living anyway.

Oh. Actually I found out there’s this one cunt on Twitter who apparently decided to talk shit to my friends at the last Kane concert they all went to, saying like “Do you know what Mary IS?!” And then went on to say I’m a meth addict and a whore. Bitch, first of all, on the 28th I’ll be clean for a year. Second of all, while I won’t deny that I am a whore, trying to turn my friends against me is fucked up and vindictive. You are so fuckin’ lucky you weren’t at Con because shit would have went down. You think I would’ve gotten kicked out? Think again. Bet my last dollar you would have though.

But moving on. I barely got any sleep that night – too excited.

Also, let me point out that from here on out me and Rikki were completely inseparable. We were like attached at the hip the rest of the convention. LOVE YOU TWIN! Black ~~King~~ Queen / White Knight! Haha

Friday we got our badges, and me and Rikki have an aversion to standing in lines so we just kind of waited over by the tables so we could jump in at the last minute. Turns out we didn’t have to though; the lady working it apparently knew who we were and gave them to us while we were just standing there. We got ones that had a shiny little “Participant” ribbon on them (this is why we’re awesome, btw LOL). But for some fucked up reason, I got first row and she got eighth. I tried talking to Rachel about that and then to Dean, but there was really nothing they could do. Thankfully someone else gave Rikki their seat up front for some of the panels, which was super sweet of them. If not I was just going to have her take my seat during the guy’s panel, since she really loves Tim. I really wasn’t expecting front row either, I’m not really sure who’s doing that was, but thank you!

Anyway, Friday was my panel. I was nervous like hell going on stage and talking to a bunch of people. I’ve always been the girl who goes up in front of the class to present a project and my voice shakes and I stutter and shit. So I’m up there with a bloody microphone in my hand and like a hundred people staring at me and it was… actually not as hard as I thought it was going to be. It might sound stupid but after I showed my videos I didn’t actually expect people to clap lol. I got kind of startled when that happened, but it was nice. I got a bit freaked when I turned around and saw myself all on the big screen haha. I’m just not used to stuff like that, but it was really cool.

Directly afterwards, some photographer comes up to me and says he wants to take pictures of me. I was kind of taken aback by that, but it was really cool to play model again. I’ve gotten two of the pictures back but I hope I get more *bounces* I look super fucking WHITE in them. Its sexy as fuck haha.

So anyway, to backtrack a bit, during the panel someone asked me if I ever thought of doing this professionally and I kind of… said a little bit more than I should of. So of course, being the sleep deprived and over emotional human being that I am I get all upset until I can find Dean and cry and apologize. Of course, like always, I made a huge deal over nothing, but at least he’s used to that lol. Seriously, tiny things are always the end of the freaking world with me. But it was cool to see that Dean sat in for my panel and I saw John there for a little bit – I felt cool xD

Anyway, after that; me, Rikki, Jason, Robert, and Ali kind of all just gravitated together for the next couple hours. Their room was officially dubbed the party room, pretty much haha.

The cocktail party… haha. Oh lord. I got SO fucking trashed. I had eight 7 and 7s, which was what? “The Blow It Up Job”? Lol. I know I had one “Five Pounds of Crazy” (fail, Rikki! It’s twenty pounds! Lol) which was I think a kamikaze. Fuck if I remember. Anyway, that was really fucking fun. Got to take pictures with a shit ton of people. Both John Rogers and Chris Downey knew who I was which I thought was freaking epic. Rick and Gerald were both really fun to hang out with too, I’m upset I missed their panel but I believe autographs were going on then and we all know how crazy that shit was. Albert Kim wanted a picture with me, which I thought was cool too.

Me and Rikki were outside smoking our hundredth drunken cigarette of the night when Rachel came out and told us we had to help herd the crowd of Leverage fans away from the entrance where the actors would be coming in. Finally we made it back upstairs to join civilization and then the actors come out. Now, I’m not gonna lie… sadly I didn’t even remember this, but I have video proof lol. When Beth came out I did the whole “OMG OMG OMG OMG” thing lol. Yeah, I totally cut that out of the video that’s on YouTube hahaha. I blame being trashed and sleep deprived. I totally fangirled and it’s completely embarrassing *dies*

I do remember someone yelling out “CHRIS!” though so I yelled out “BETH!” to compensate haha.

Anyway, she totally didn’t even look at me and it made me sad since I knew she knew what I looked like and I’m not exactly hard to spot. Tim however did come over and introduce himself and to say hi to Rikki. That guy is fucking awesome, I’m serious. I had no idea how cool he was until this weekend haha. Anyway, my drunk ass did something stupid later that I won’t talk about but thankfully only Rikki was there for that part. After I left and me and Cole downed about five jager bombs in fifteen minutes and then headed off back to his place. I slept a little, thank god, but not much.

I can’t remember when exactly I raided the merchandise room, but I definitely bought pretty much everything on the fucking table haha. It was all really well priced too, which I’m thankful for.

The next morning drunk me tore Cole a new asshole. This is why I don’t do well with roommates, or being hung over lol. I think I scared him a little xD

Anyway, yeah, the next day we all met up and went to ‘The Five’ panel. I videoed most of that and it’s up on YouTube. I was so fucking excited to see Beth ya’ll don’t even know lol. But it was really funny and entertaining. I can’t describe it and give it justice so thank god for the videos hahaha.

So next… autographs. Oh god, the fucking autographs. Me and Rikki stayed at the back of the line for that. Lines and stuff like that are hard for me. There’s too many people, and especially with something like this emotions are running high and it really fucks with me. I actually started slightly hyperventilating at one point, not being able to deal with everyone around me and their emotions on top of my own. I was able to chill though eventually.

Gerald and Rick came out and Gerald signed my shirt but Rick’s person wouldn’t let him so he said he’d come sign it later. I didn’t even know they were signing autographs. Lame – they should have advertised that better.

Then Marc comes up and he’s like “Why are you two waiting in line?” and we’re like “Um…” so he herds us to the front of the line. Apparently since we’re involved in the convention we didn’t have to wait, which was cool.

Anyway, Tim’s first. I thank him for his portrayal of Nate and how it’s helped me work through my own addiction. He was really cool, talked to me and Rikki for awhile and kind of held up the line for a little while lol.

Then there’s Gina. First of all, she looked at my name tag and goes, “OhShinyTomato? You’re Mary right? You’re doing the fan video panel?” and I shit you not I was like “You know who I am?!” I was so… god, I don’t know. Out of all the people to completely have that fan girl mind blank in front of, it was Gina. She’s so… sophistication and poise though and it’s kind of intimidating. She totally just… I dunno. She made my brain dribble out of my ears. She’s so fucking sexy and her accent makes me melt lol.

So then I can see Beth looking at me out of my peripheral vision and my heart is going like a million miles an hour. I was fucking terrified. But I turned and looked at her, she smiled and said hi, and I hugged her. It was just kind of instinctual lol. But then out of fucking NO WHERE comes people running up with cameras and a bloody video camera taking pictures and video of us and it was slightly fucking overwhelming. We kind of looked at each other like ‘holy shit.’ And in one way I was expecting it, but I guess in another I didn’t think it would actually happen so it kind of freaked me out.

Anyway, I was like “I don’t know if Dean told you, but he was supposed to set something up so where could meet privately so all that didn’t happen when we first met.” And she said yeah, that Dean told her, and that she was going to talk to him afterwards so I could meet with her privately later in the day. She signed my picture, apologized for not really personalizing it besides my name but I said that was fine. I told her I was really nervous about meeting her and she told me she was a little nervous about meeting me too, which made me feel better and I thought it was kind of cute lol. Um… said something about wanting her to sign my Nobody DVD but I didn’t have it on me so I said I’d bring it back the next day.

But let me just say something to put it out there – TV and photos doesn’t do this woman justice. She is stunningly beautiful. It kind of shocked me to be honest. I knew she was pretty but when she smiles it like lights up her whole face. And she’s really soft spoken and super fucking sweet. And then there’s me; loud mouthed, brash, and inappropriate and I’m like god, how the hell did someone like you end up with me as your biggest fan? I mean I’m a fucking mess, I’m trashy, I’m rude… and she’s so the complete opposite. It’s weird.

Anyway, Aldis was next and he didn’t know who I was but that was cool haha. We didn’t really talk much.

Then I see Chris and he comes and gives me a big hug. He asked if I was going to the concert and um, duh. I told him I did end up buying a ticket, since originally I didn’t have one and he said that it didn’t matter and that he’d still make sure I could get in. But he took too long to get back to me and I got all paranoid about it haha. Then again, to be fair to him, I didn’t even email him until like the last minute. I’m such a procrastinator, for real. Anyway, it was totally cool seeing him again. He’s my favorite man lol. Well, okay, after Dean. Still.

Then I went over to Dean, John, and Chris’ table and they all signed my shirt since I figured I might as well get it littered with signature now lol. Talked to Dean about what Beth said he said he’d set it up at the Banquet. Then me and Rikki talked to Rachel and then introduced us to some reporter who interviewed us (but only used Rikki in the interview and posted a HIDEOUS picture of me lol)

Then Jackie, Rachel’s assistant (I think? I believe, anyway) comes up to me and hands me something and says “Beth wanted you to have this.” So I look at it and it’s another autograph that says “Hi Mary, Thank you for everything, your support is so amazing! xo Beth” so I was like awww yay! That made me wicked happy, ain’t gonna lie. Jackie said she didn’t want to give it to me in the autograph line and have people get upset that she wrote something more to me than everyone else. I’m happy though – yay for smiling :)

Then we got autographs with Mark Sheppard who entertained us with a CSI story. I never saw his eps on CSI so I was just kinda listening to him talk cause the man could read a fucking phonebook and I’d find it fascinating LOL. He’s got such a nice voice.

I wish I had something of Dollhouse for him to sign damnit, but I still haven’t even bought the DVDs. Slacker. I will though! Sometime… haha

Anyway, after that we kind of chilled for a little bit and then I ran downstairs to go see Dean’s panel with John and Chris. I got a little of that on video too. They’re all really entertaining when they’re together and told some awesome stories.

Fuck, random thought – I don’t know when it was that everyone and their mother was coming up to me and being like “BETH HAS A TATTOO! DID YOU KNOW THAT?!” and um, no I didn’t lol. Nor did I even notice she had one either, but apparently it was on her ankle. I think she actually does have another one, at least that’s what it looked like in one movie, but that wouldn’t have been showing at the convention lol. There, I was kind of stuck on her beautiful face to notice anything else anyway. I barely even notice what she was wearing, which was a first. Me and Beth’s fashion doesn’t ever agree lol. Most of the time I look at pictures and I’m like “Really?” =/ But to be fair, she’s all girly and I’m all not so… bound to be some disagreement on that front lol. Though I did notice her dress at the banquet, that was really pretty, and I wanted her fucking boots she wore on Sunday. Those things were bad ass xD

Right anyway, so I was supposed to have my second panel at 5:30 but the autographs were running really late and my panel was supposed to be in that room. So Rachel said it’d probably be canceled and to talk to Marc. Well I couldn’t find him and my phone was dead the entire convention so that didn’t help. Finally he texted Rikki and told her that barely anyone showed up anyway so if I didn’t want to do it I didn’t have to. I know some people were pissed about this but I was STARVING. I really needed to eat cause I didn’t all day until then. I did one on Friday so I figured it’d be okay. So sorry for those of you that did show up for that, I apologize. Time constraints, confusion, and I was hungry.

Um… so right, the banquet. The food was AMAZING. Oh my god, was that shit good lol. Andy Lange preformed and was really good (forgot to mention he played during the Cocktail party too). Me and Rikki were downstairs having a smoke when she got a call that Deans looking for me so we head back up and he waves me over and I get to finally meet Beth privately. It’s funny cause my first reaction was “Whoa, you are not normally that tall” LOL. She’s a god two inches shorter than me normally but she was like two taller than me when I was standing next to her and it was weird for a second haha.

Anyway we said hi, hugged, and Rikki reminded me to give her my letter I wrote. It wasn’t like an OMG I LOVE YOU kind of letter, it wasn’t even fangirlish, but there was some things I did want her to know that I basically didn’t have the balls to say to her face. I’ve mentioned it in this blog before, about how much Parker has helped me personally, so it was basically about that. I felt kinda stupid writing it and giving it to her, but there really wasn’t any other way unless we both wanted to get up getting weepy and emotional and I try to stay away from emotions as much as I can. I always put on a dead voice and detach myself from reality to handle it and it wouldn’t have meant as much if I did it that way.

So we talked for a bit and then we watched Storm Large perform which - oh my god - that bitch is amazing! Which reminds me I totally need to go download some of her music now. Anyway, afterwards we talked a little more, and fuck; she was so damn nice lol. She thanked me for everything I did for her and told me I was beautiful and talented and strong and thank god I had a handle on myself at that point because I probably would have cried. I don’t know why her saying that meant so much to me but it did, as lame as that is since you know, I barely know her. But whatever. Um… shit, I’m trying to remember what we all talked about. I knew I should have done this blog earlier lol. I remember her saying to not take it personally if she doesn’t respond to me online (which, leads me to oh god does she know when I threw my hissy fit and took everything down? I hope not – me and my fucking stupid emotions, man) but she said she knows its weird with the line of actors and fans and yada yada. Erm… hm. What else? I remember Rick came up and signed my T-shirt and then she did too (she put #1 fan on it lol). Oh! I showed her my bracelet Kimber made for me and the OhShinyTomato badge that both said I was her number one fan and it made her smile.

OH! I got to ask her if her full name was Elizabeth or Bethany. It’s just Beth lol. There’s a reason behind that, but that’s her business. Or, her families anyway.

We talked about her photography; I told her there’s a back way into her website and she said she knows, which I don’t know if she knew because I tweeted that at her or what. Um... told her she’s gotta post more pictures lol. Fuck, I can’t remember everything, but yay for that good chunk lol. Afterwards I asked to take a picture with her and the first one came out blurry cause I forgot the flash, the second she said I did it too high up so she took the camera and tried to do it but put her finger over the flash lol. Awesome photography skillz, lemme assure you :P Anyway, then Paul took the picture for us and OH! I forgot to say Paul was there and he told me Sugarloaf was picked up – so I’ll be on TV! (at some point lol)

Um… anyway, rest of the banquet was cool. Storm Large told me I was gorgeous and I was like “Wow.” Just cause of the way she said it – I mean people told me all through the convention I was beautiful but the way she said it sounded like she really meant it. I remember Cole told me Storm was like me, and then when I was talking to Beth right at the beginning with Dean he said the same thing. He said her music is like my story – but of course my story isn’t the happiest one as you all know.

MY VAGINA IS EIGHT MILES WIDE… lol sorry. Moving on.

Um… got a pic with Aldis… Cole was being a pussy and wanted ME to go up to Beth to get a picture for him but I wasn’t gonna interrupt her at her table. He did eventually get one though and I went up to her after cause I forgot to tell her thank you for the other autograph. Um… oh yeah than Tim came up to our table and I may or may not have squeed just a little bit *headdesk* lol. I was happy for Rikki though cause she wanted a picture with him. I bounced a little bit when I got mine with him. Lol

Aldis did the electric slide which was great lol. Got that on video too.

I remember looking at Beth when she was over by the table and then getting absolutely horrified once I realized what I was doing lol. So of course, because I can’t stop shit from coming out of my mouth, I blurt out, “Oh god, I just checked out her ass! I feel like such a pervert!” lol. I’m serious. I’m insanely respectful of Beth, it’s kind of stupid lol. While I think she’s beautiful, I refuse to let myself think of her in a sexy way. It just feels weird to me. Besides, if I ever did the nasty to myself thinking about her do you really think I’d be able to look her in the eye? (*coughs* and that right there was probably my Gina problem lol) But Beth is so fucking SWEET that half the time I feel like my just my presence corrupts her lol. She’s just… nice damnit. I feel like a pile of shit next to her so I attempt to better myself in a way. Which, for the record, is really damn hard. Trying to think before I speak? Ya’ll have no idea how difficult that is for me. And it’s not like you can learn class instantly, here. I am very unclassy, I won’t deny it. I’m a trashy bitch, but I’m also a creative, smart, and talented as fuck trashy bitch lol.

Anyway, banquet was fun… afterwards me and Rikki were outside smoking a cigarette and Beth and Tim left in the limo. Right when they pulled out they popped out of the top to yell and wave bye to us (which was so epic because it nearly made Rikki jump out of her skin lol).

Afterwards we all went up to Robert, Jason, and Ali’s room and had the LQQ party! Which I laid SMACK DOWN on, btw. I have most games played AND overall winner. Robert just made my shirt too *prance* And then of course we do toasts and everyone gets a bit weepy except for me because I like to use that dead monotonic voice and pretend I don’t feel anything, which is always awkward because everyone knows what I’m doing lol. Um… yeah. God this is getting long lol.

We played Kimber’s Leverage trivia game btw. I got all the Beth questions right except one – her character’s name on Scorcher. I remembered after they said it, and I was like yes! Krissy with a K! hahaha. I’m such a dork.

SUNDAY! I missed Mark’s panel unfortunately because I was fucking STARVING. But the girls were up and that was YAY! Beth waved to me when she came out and it made me happy lol. Um… not much to say about that since I pretty much videoed the entire damn thing, but she did look directly at me when she talked about helping people, you can see it on film actually, and it made me smile. Oh! I got to ask Beth my question (which Rikki got on film). They opened the floor to questions and I kind of bounced over to the microphone all “ME FIRST!” lol. Gina and Beth laughed a little and were both like “Hi Mary.” Yes, I do feel cool that all these people know who I am, I’m just gonna put that out there. There are warm fuzzies involved or some other such cutsey crap lol

More autographs! Gina was first and she signed my shirt and I apologized for bypassing her so quickly last time cause Beth was like RIGHT THERE lol. I told her I loved Jekyll though and DAMNIT I wish I brought it for her to sign. Um... yeah she told me she knew where my loyalties lie lol, which was funny. I have me getting Beth’s autograph this time on film, so I won’t go over that. Though I will say I don’t get why she was so surprised that I actually watched “Nobody.” I mean come on now, I’ve seen pretty much everything she’s ever done lol. Besides, hi, your biggest fan is a lesbian and you make out with a chick in it… come on now xD.

Anyway, Aldis asked who I was since I was hanging out with Rikki all weekend and talking to Beth so I told him and that was yay. He signed my shirt too ^_^

Chris was late… I think he was practicing? I can’t remember. So he didn’t get to sign my shirt. I forgot to bring it to Dantes too, which sucks cause I could have gotten it then.

Anyway! PHOTO OPS! Me and Rikki were at the very very VERY end of that damn line lol. Once again, us and lines don’t mix. We’d rather wander around and get there at the last minute lol. But he did sit there for awhile just because no one knew how the photo ops were even gonna be done until the last minute and we didn’t want to miss anything. Anyway, Rikki gets a phone call for me and her to come see Jose upstairs. He took us aside, and I had to deal with an issue, but it got taken care of. But because we got pulled out of line he told us we could stay with the handicapped people to get our photo ops, which I was glad for because honestly, the way they had people going up and down a million flights of fucking stairs was kind of ridiculous. I hope next year it’s a bit more organized.

Did my group shot first and Chris hugged me and was like “Did you meet Beth?” and I said yes, gave her a hug, he asked the same of Tim and I said yes again lol… um, so yeah, took that picture. Gina was next – I was first in line with her and she kept saying my name and omg I love the way she says my name hahaha. That sounds so lame, but I do. I can barely speak when I’m around her, it’s really ridiculous. I’m like “mehhh pretty woman, brain dribbles out ears…” haha. Um… then it was Beth I believe, yes? I can’t really remember. Yes! I think. Anyway, we talked for a minute about something while she was petting my hair (lol) then she apologized after she realized she was doing it (thankfully I didn’t tell her that I didn’t mind her petting me or something equally as retarded lol). Um, yeah, we took the picture. She was like Ahh! Damnit, you did the sexy thing and I smiled! Which actually happened when we were taking pictures at the banquet… did I say that? I forget, this is ungodly long lol. I’m trying to remember everything and its fucking hard xD

Um, I know Tim was next. He smiled, said hi, the damn lady kept PUSHING me into the actors though, it was annoying.

Afterwards Beth was by the elevators and I asked her if she had read my letter and she said she did. She told me it wasn’t retarded (cause you know me, that’s how I gotta word shit lol) and that it meant a lot to her. She said she wanted to write back to me so I told her she could get my email from Dean or Chris and she said she would. But she was kinda talking about it and I had to stop her because I was so NOT gonna cry in front of all those people, and she was getting a little emotional as well and that’s just really awkward to do in front of an audience.

Oh! I forgot to say that Dean was gonna set it up so me and Rikki could take a private tour of the set on Monday since I wasn’t leaving until Tuesday. So Beth hugged me said she’d see me Monday and that was yay.

Uh… then I did a picture with Aldis which I wish I had because we both threw up the peace sign LOL

Then there was Chris, yay ^_^ I’m standing there waiting and he smirks and goes, “You’re first, huh?” xD Yup yup. I asked him if I could still get into the concert for free cause someone else wanted my ticket and he said sure, just to talk to Eric. However Eric told me no cause of the fire code and… what have you. Sooo… then I bought absolutely every damn Kane merchandise that was on that table lol. Which, btw, fit fucking fantastically. Those damn shirts makes my boobs look AWESOME xD

Then the boys had their panel which was great, I videoed some of that but not as much as I would have liked to cause my damn batteries died. Meh. But a lot more people videoed that than the girls panel so theres more vids of that up on YouTube.

Right so… closing ceremonies! That’s all on video so no need to reiterate that. Afterwards I went to find Dean since he was leaving for LA in the morning and I needed a proper goodbye. However I find out that they aren’t gonna be on the sound stage on Monday – they were gonna be on location – so Beth ended up coming out and saying bye to me instead.

We talked for awhile, fuck if I remember everything about though however I know I said something about not being able to find Undressed too and she looked confused for a minute before she’s like ”Oh god, don’t find that” lol. And yes, yes I will xD I remember her saying she thought it was amazing how the hell I ended up finding all the shit of hers that I have and I told her I had help from Naddy, my co-mod. Told her that she was the one who got me The Summer of My Deflowering, among others. Which then made Beth groan a little and be all like “I knew that would come back to bite me in the ass.” Which, honestly, I don’t see how she feels that way. It was an artistic film, the way they shot it was really interesting, and it wasn’t like her nudity was untasteful in any way. It’s actually one of my favorite performances of hers; the girl she played was so naive and so cute! Anyway, so my mouth filter broke a bit when I told her I didn’t screencap any of the… and I pause and go “er, naughty bits.” LOL. She said she appreciated it haha. Um, I can’t remember what else we talked about. I know we mentioned her role on HIMYM, which I didn’t remember to tell her that that’s how I got into that show in the first place – because I saw her episode on there. Anyway, by the end she hugged me, told me she’s sure she’d see me soon and that she’d email me, so yay :)

( And she did, btw, email me *prance* )

Afterwards me and Rikki did get to chill with Dean for a little bit, and because he’s Dean and knows how to knock down my walls he did manage to make me let out a little bit of emotion. I’m a defensive fucker though, honestly. I will fight everyone till the end before I do break down. But it’s good for me, I know that. Haha he made me write down “I was happy, I had fun” and sign it and keep it in my purse LOL. Oh, therapy xD

Then it was off to Dantes! Man that place was fucking PACKED and hot as hell. Me, Rikki, and Kimber kinda stayed towards the back. Tim bought me and Rikki drinks, which was cool of him. Afterwards me and Rikki went back stage and I gave Chris a hug, told him he fuckin’ rocked it like always. Man, the strippers they got in that joint afterwards are HOT! Lol. I’m awful when it comes to women though, really. Unless I’m drunk and half naked already, or really I guess when I’m “Parker” (my stripper persona). Ironically Parker does better with women then I do xD

Uh, anyway yeah obviously you can tell I’m skating over a whole bunch by now because this is now 6000+ words and I so just wanna be done with it all lol. I went over Rikki’s that night and chilled at her house all through Monday (and slept hardcore, finally). Then I left and went home on Tuesday morning.

Weeee! Okay, the end. Seriously. I need to go… do something else now. Jesus this took forever to write.

But seriously… best weekend ever. I’m just saying :p

Storyteller

2010-02-15T06:40:00.001-08:00

I used to live my life like it was one great story.

I did everything I did just to be able to say that I did it. I’ve done more, seen more, than anyone my age should ever do or see. Which, honestly, in the long run it still doesn’t help because I’m still naïve as all fuck in some areas; some of them important areas. I still have this picture of the world in my head; all drawn out and colored in with multicolored crayons with a fucking smiley face in the sun. And this world isn’t real; it isn’t something anyone sees but me.

I thought I was on top of that fuckin’ world, honestly. For a long ass time. Look at me; all giddy and happy in the sun, looking down at all of you.

I was sexually free and partying, having fun, but keeping time to do all my geeky little things that I did. I had friends, I had lovers, I had a woman who was more to me than just a lover… but whatever. That’s past. Point? Nothing could bring me down. I was fuckin’ untouchable.

… Until I got bitch slapped in the face by reality.

The sad part? I’d go back there in a heartbeat; even knowing what I know now. Even knowing how it all turns out, how it all goes to shit, how I got taken over by a drug I thought had no control over me because my best friend managed for so much longer.

She might just be stronger than I am though.

I’m sorry, but I was happy. I was more in control of my life than I am right now. Right now I’m the equivalent of nothing, and that’s not a dig at myself. That’s the cold hard truth. I was more in control of my life even when I was strung out living in the Budget Suites and the highlight of my week was my Tuesday ritual of getting high out of my fucking mind and watching Leverage. Not that I wasn’t getting high any other day… or night, or morning. But it was special; Tuesday. Leverage night. High and screaming at my TV about how Nate’s being a jackass and how Parker should have more screen time.

It’s sad, but I watch that video of me… the one where I’m watching the season one finale. Cussing at Nate and what have you. I watch it and all I can remember is how everytime I commercial was on I was scraping the bowl for any kind of release. I was practically out that day. I remember it. But god, can you get a lot from a pipe you haven’t cleaned in a week.

I miss the taste of it. I miss the smell. I miss the feeling. I miss getting high because you know what? My addiction made me go to work so I could afford to get more. It was a shitty incentive, yes, but it was still a fucking incentive.

Almost a year clean. I’ve been in Atlanta now for almost a year. You know what I have to show for it?

Nothing besides a whole lot of fanfic. And fanfic gets me a big fat nowhere in life; in the long run. I used to live my life like a story… now I tell it through other characters because I have nothing left.

I can’t handle my own life. This is supposed to be it, yeah? The big fucking finish. I’m clean and the world has opened up to me; so many fucking possibilities. Well you know what? Go to hell.

Most days I want to slit my wrists then go for my throat. Fucking finger paint in my own blood.

I’m cracking worse than I was when I was strung out. At least then I had a reason to be fucked up. Now? I have no excuse; no reason. Scratch the dope covered surface and what do you find? A shell. Nothing. Nobody. I wasn’t a fuck up because of the drugs; I’m a fuck up as it is. Hell, the drugs helped me be less of a fuck up.

Storyteller. Storytelling.

I can’t make this stop. I was lying in bed and I thought to myself, “I can’t wait until this is all over. Until I can tell stories about it. How I was fucked up for three years only to get clean and realize I was nothing without the drugs.” And you know what? Like the idiot that I am I still have the fantasy that some brave white knight is gonna ride in and save me from myself. We can all make note that this said knight is a woman, no matter what my wavering sexuality has been indicating these last couple months. I think I’m just out of things to do, so why not try men? That’s… new. Ha.

I don’t leave my house. Hell, I barely leave my couch. I wake up and sit on my computer and I stay there until I fall asleep.

I keep telling myself day after day that I’m going to go to work tomorrow… or no wait, maybe the next day… until I’m out of money and crying to the only people who will listen and bail my ass out again. It makes me feel worthless; horrible. I feel like I’m just this waste of space and air that people cling to in the small hope that I’m worth something more than that. I love how everyone can see the other side but me.

I should be looking forward to the Leverage convention, but I’m terrified of it. I’m a mess, you all know it. Rather not have you all actually see it.

I’ve thought of going back to Massachusetts, getting all that nice free health insurance and then checking myself into a mental hospital for the long haul. At least I won’t have to try to act sane then. I can claw at myself until I bleed, scream until they restrain me, finally succumb to all the madness in my head.

Fuck. I just want to be free.

I need an escape, any fucking escape. Just point me to the door, honey. I need to breathe, I need to run, I need to scream, I need to do some violence and then fuckin’ vomit. I don’t care anymore. I just feel so trapped. And the fucked up thing is that I’m trapping myself.

I’m not an idiot, I can see it. I can feel it. But it doesn’t make it better. My head likes to torture me every single fucking day.

This is why I tell stories. I’m no longer a part of one, so why not relive them. Pain, agony, heartbreak, remorse, slavery. Look at my stories. Each and every one. Somewhere in each of them is a part of me. Its so funny how my beta actually picks them out, and it’s even funnier that most of the time I don’t even realize I’m doing it when it’s something little.

Big stuff though... yeah, I know. Parker. Faith. Their pasts? Hi, welcome to little bits and pieces of my life. I’m just lucky that both of the characters are so screwed up that it’s believable to be theirs too.

My head hurts. My stomach hurts. It’s almost 10am and I should be sleeping because I need to work tonight. I NEED TO. Will I get there? Probably not. Same shit, different fucking week.

You know what hell is? Hell is when you relive the same day over and over. When you do the same shit over and over and expect different results.

Fuck hell. Fuck this. Fuck everything.

Obsessions

2010-01-20T18:22:00.001-08:00

Ever since I was fourteen years old, I had obsessions. That, of course, was the time I hit major puberty and along with it came my bite-you-in-the-ass bipolar disorder. I think it frightened my mother at first, but looking back on it? I don’t blame her. I was like a loose cannon, a hormonal fucking disaster. I had an unsettling mental disorder that fucked with my moods, made me attach myself to imaginary things, and to top it all off? Year I came out of the closet. How’s that for fucked up.

Christina Aguilera. She was like my God.

Yeah, see? Creepy already. I didn’t know how to handle it. My first obsession was put forth with way too much dedication that bordered on worship. I had a shrine to this woman. A fucking shrine. I didn’t call it that, of course, but really, looking back? Yeah. Two out of the four walls in my bedroom covered in tiny, and I mean tiny here people, pictures of her. And if you touched it… yeah, okay, just don’t fucking touch my wall, basically.

One of my friends drew on it once. That didn’t end well.

My whole entire existence was about this woman. And it had to be. I was fucked up in the head, failing school, doing drugs, drinking, fighting with my friends, and being grounded for most of my young adult existence. I remember I used to write fan letters to her. I never sent them. In fact, I still have them. Somewhere. My diary? God, I can’t even read that without freaking myself out. I fucking worshiped this woman like she walked on fucking water. I spent all my time listening to her music and making VHS tapes of everything Christina has ever appeared in. I had to leave those back at the motel though, along with a lot of my other memories. I haven’t watched it in probably eight years, but I still kept it. Kept all my fandom stuff. Even though she wasn’t a fandom, she was a person. Hence the creepy factor.

My probation officer ordered for me to take down my little shrine. To punish me for having a dirty drug test. My mom ripped them down, I fucking broke, and… well okay that story doesn’t end happy.

Christina turned into Shakira about after a year. That was short lived. Because suddenly I had discovered Xena, and that totally and completely fucking devoured me. Xena turned into another unhealthy obsession with Hudson Leick. My new little goddess, or whatever. That’s when my obsessions with people stopped, with her. My mom sent me to one of her yoga classes, to a Xena convention, and she was incredibly kind to me and helped this poor little lost girl in front of her. That’s when it clicked in my head that actors, singers, whoever, are people. The creepy worship of people stopped completely. And thank fucking god for that. Thank god for her. Really, I could go on about Hudson, but I have before so I won’t. But she has helped me so much over the years, even still now, through our sporadic contact on Facebook.

Which, for the record, isn’t a fan thing. So unless she knows who you are she’s not gonna add you, just so everyone doesn’t bombard her with friend requests. If you actually know who she is.

Xena turned into Buffy. I was all kinds of about Buffy and Faith, and I was about 17 when that little obsession started. I had a fangirl thing for Eliza, but it wasn’t anything bordering on creepy this time. I did some roleplaying over on GreatestJournal (anyone remember that site? That was the bomb for years…) and my fandom obsession turned into a roleplaying one. Mostly Buffy, but I would do Celeb too. I played Eliza Dushku for probably a good six months. Maybe longer, I don’t know. And it was fun, it was. To pretend to be someone else. But it got weird after awhile, and I dropped role playing all together a couple years ago. I started writing instead. And never about real people. Now I find the entire thing wicked creepy. It’s a steady process, obviously.

Then I went a long ass stretch of time with no obsessions. It made it feel empty, I got depressed, and that’s when I started doing meth. Then I got the obsession with YouTube. That gave me happiness for a really long time, and I’m so sad I can’t find the joy in it like I used to. That was… that was a great time in my life. The sapphiire channel.

Then Harry Potter blindsided me. I always loved the books, but never got into the fandom much until I went on hexrpg.com. I spent a good year of my life playing that. Being so heavily involved in it. Everyone knew who I was in the Slytherin Common Room (yeah, laugh, but it was cool) and my attachment moved to Bellatrix Lestrange. I felt better, happier. Still doing drugs, but it wasn’t as often.

And then the obsession faded. And faded. And I was left with nothing, again, for another six months. I slipped deeper into drugs.

Then there was Leverage, and fuck, I ain’t gonna lie guys. Leverage saved me. The problem is, being the way I am mentally, I cannot function without an obsession. I just can’t. It might not be healthy, but I’m far worse without them. And it’s gotten to the point where I’ve kept it pretty level. Yes, I do go way the fuck overboard online. Icons, fanfic, fanvids, okay I have a fucking YouTube channel and a website for Beth. But I don’t get the little psycho thoughts I did when I was fourteen. It’s not my life. And while I know I need it, and I do center my days around it sometimes, I’m not going to off myself if things don’t go my way. It’s there, I fucking love it, and I immerse myself in it because frankly my real life kind of blows.

The thing about Leverage though was that it wasn’t normal. I usually get attached to just one character. And yeah, hi, Parker. We all know. But I usually couldn’t give two craps less about anyone else. This fandom… I’ve written fic about everyone. All different parings. Fanvids for so many pairings too. It’s centered mainly around Parker, yes, but I’ve welcomed the fandom as a whole into my life. That’s never happened before. Which is why I’m praying this is different.

Because you see, the problem is, I can’t have two obsessions at once. I cannot split myself up like that. My brain just isn’t capable of it. I’m not normal, and I know it’s weird, but it’s the truth. And right now? Leverage is on in less than and hour, and I’m not squeezing obnoxiously. I’m gonna watch it, yeah, and maybe it’ll give me the kick I need to squee again, but we’ll find out, won’t we?

My head, right now, is completely up Buffy and Faith’s ass again. And it isn’t like this hasn’t happened before. I have gone back to Xena. Actually a couple times now. Went back to Harry Potter for a brief stint. But they were all brief, and usually, once this happens, I trade one for another, and so suddenly the one I traded is gone and I’m left with nothing.

This is the timeline. I focus on one thing for about a year. One year. Well, times up…

And it freaks me out. Mainly because I am way too involved in this fandom to just slip away because my head won’t allow me to obsess anymore. I’m too known, I do too many things, and yeah, kinda have a lot of responsibilities, as lame as that is.

You know how long it’s been since I watched an episode of Xena? Over a year. I love it to bits and back again, but I don’t ever watch it anymore. I don’t participate in the fandom, when once it was my whole life. Buffy? It has been four years since I’ve watched these DVDs… until today. Well okay, yesterday.

Angel’s a different story. But that was never an obsession, merely a mild attachment. Like Dollhouse is, like Skins is. It’s there, but it’s not predominant. Therefore it doesn’t clash.

I cannot do two fandoms at once. I just have never been able to, and I don’t want Leverage to go away. But I’ve tried holding on before, and it never works.

And yes, it is possible I am over reacting. That Leverage is different just cause of how I’ve been with the fandom anyway. And maybe this Buffy/Faith thing is just a brief stint and I’ll go back to it. I don’t know. I just know what’s happened before. And I can feel Leverage start to fade. I don’t care about Parker/Sophie anymore and god I was up their ass for awhile, huh? Don’t do icons anymore; graphics. Still do the fic thing, but not as of the last couple weeks. I finished the one fic I had started, just cause I needed to finish it, but my heart wasn’t in it. But I’m still gung-ho about the fanvids, and that’s good I guess.

I am completely aware of how unhealthy most people make this shit out to be, but I’m proud of the way I’ve learned to deal with them. I don’t have the creepy stalker scary thing going on, so I consider that a plus. So hey. And if it keeps me from offing myself? Then why is that bad? Maybe it’s bad that sometimes I honestly do not kill myself just because I want to see the next episode. I’m not joking. That’s happened. But it’s a reason to live, no matter how fucked off that is.

But if this goes down like all my others, come a month I’ll be left with nothing, and that won’t be good. I’ll watch Leverage, I’ll enjoy it, but I won’t be in the fandom. Not like I am now. And it’ll just be… really, really sad. Honestly.

But I guess we’ll see how this plays out, huh? Almost thirty minutes and counting…

whatever

2010-01-06T21:41:00.001-08:00

Jesus Christ.

Life. Sigh.

So I just threw a fit like a bloody five year old and took down everything that had to do with Leverage to make a fucking point. I know that’s probably really bratty, but I’m sorry; my feelings were hurt… are hurt. And I think that I was able to last this damn long before I exploded should be an accomplishment in and of it’s self. I mean hell; it’s been months and months of all this repetitive crap. So yeah, pat on the fucking back to me for not blowing up everything sooner.

I can’t talk about this in here like I did on my LJ or my Facebook. Those two are locked to the public, and frankly? So not looking to get sued for slander, here. Or, fuck, whatever. Besides even all of that though, part of me still really cares about this person (though, why? Yeah, I don’t know), and I can’t… fuck, I can’t do the same shit that everyone else did at the beginning. Hurt their feelings like that shit did then. Especially that crap coming from me? That’s… that’s really fucking cruel. Honestly. I was the thing that made all of that not suck as bad. I made the depression go away. Apparently, anyway.

So I can’t be the cause of it. As much as I wish that they would pay attention for two freaking seconds and fix what is so easily repairable if only they bothered… I won’t ever say anything. I can’t. But hey, that’s me putting everybody first. AGAIN.

And it’s not like I didn’t try… but I pussied out. Hardcore. Ugh.

Maybe part of me wishes someone else would do it. Just get their attention and be like “hey, shit just went South; fix?” but I doubt anyone will. Though to be honest I don’t know… fuck, I don’t know if it’ll really all fix. I mean yeah, simple shit, I’ll forgive it all temporarily. But then there’s the nagging in the back of my mind that it was only fixed so they could get what they wanted to come back. That it was meaningless. That I’m being used, or something. But fuck, it’d still be nice to hear, regardless of the intentions.

I just… fuck, I work my ass off. It’s not something that really should be taken for granted because of just the massiveness of it all. And especially not when it’s so known. That I’m so known, or whatever. If I was anonymous, if no one knew, then I wouldn’t expect anything. Maybe that’s my problem. Or the problem. Or something. I’m known, so it’s like yeah, how hard is it to, I don’t know, not fucking blatantly ignore me? It’s been a year this month. A bloody year. Two words is not hard to say…

What’s even worse than that is the fact that I know they say nice things about me to everyone else. So why the hell do I so very clearly not matter when I’m actually around? Is it all just some kind of front? Cause I don’t play like that.

It really all just comes down to the fact that I’m a fucking person. I have a life, feelings, whatever. And frankly? You are not as cool as you think you are, and obviously not as cool as I thought you were if this is how shit’s gonna play out. So right now? This is how it looks when I’m not around. Part of me hopes you give a shit, but I won’t bet money on it.

Though, outside of that whole thing, of course more shit had to be piled on top of it.

Fans. Fans that are just so blatantly fucking mean to me because of, hell, I don’t know. Everyone says jealousy, but I don’t know. It’s really not like my life is anything to envy, here. Really, people. And the fact that people feel the need to tear me down and be cruel really upsets me. I do so fucking much for this fandom. You think I got noticed because I sat on my ass and did nothing? No. I work my ass off to promote the show in any way that I can. To make things that are enjoyable for other fans. So you know what? Yeah, I think I deserve the little bit of attention I get. And maybe, if you weren’t such a lazy complaining asshole, and actually did shit to get you noticed, than you would be too. Nothing is free, idiot. You work to get the things you want.

Oh, and by the way, trying to ruin a great memory for me by saying I’m a liar? Fuck off. That’s just ridiculous, mainly because I have a truth problem. Me lying is kind of fucking laughable if you even knew me.

So this is me being a brat and showing the fandom what it’s like when I’m not around. If I had the effort I’d make all my fic entries in my LJ private to prove my point further, but I figured it’d just be pointless since I can’t find a way to get rid of all my sit on FF.net and still be able to bring it back later when everything has cooled off some.

But moving on from fandom drama…

I watched some girl have sex for the first time for money. Well, not watched, but I was there. I had her guys friend. And god, it’s difficult to watch. Just cause it’s always so confusing at first, and this girl afterwards was like “he was really sweet to me…” blah blah. I was like “NO! He PAYED you to have sex with him. He is nothing but a trick! God, don’t ever personalize it.”

Oh, and she let him kiss her. Negative. You never, ever kiss. That’s too intimate. Sigh. When guys try to kiss me I usually tell them it’s flu season. Because oddly enough I only have to do this crap in the winter…

Oh and the girl I’ve been fucking, well, the girl I’ve been fucking with her boyfriend… totally freaked out on me yesterday for leaving with that customer. She got all possessive. I was like wtf? And then she told me I was only the second person she’s ever slept with. It’s hard for her to just… I don’t know, not care.

So yeah, we’re not gonna fuck anymore.

And I should be writing my article on “Leverage” but instead I’ve been watching HIMYM all damn day. Oh well, it just needs to be up by Friday morning. Guess I’ll do it when I wake up. I always wait to do this shit to the last minute lol. But right now I just wanna forget about “Leverage” for a minute.

Lord. Just. Life. God.

End of the year survey

2009-12-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

Post the first line or first couple lines of the first post of the month for all twelve months.

January: So, excuse me while I become uberly obsessed with Leverage since like... it's series premiere. (hahaha, GO FUCKING FIGURE)
February: "Ma'am, can you please step out of the vehicle?" Fuck. I'm getting arrested. FUCK FUCK FUCKETY FUCK. Hands behind my back. Cuffs on my wrists. In the cop car. My nose itches, of fucking course. (ahaha. getting arrested sucked...)
March: I think its funny how this time I asked for help and no one came. (emo rant. I'll probably have a lot of those)
April: My house got broken into. Everything stolen. I moved To Atlanta to live with my family and had to pack up the last four years of my life into three bags and leave everything else behind. (fun FUCKING times...)
May: I know I don't write in here very often. Mostly because nothing significant has been going on in my life. I could have wrote about how I got drugged that one night, but that wouldn't have been entertaining to ya'll cause well, I can't remember that whole night. No memory equals no blog. (that one was about going into the mental hospital...)
June: When I first started this journal entry, it ended up being eight pages long typed. It was mostly a pity party about my past, and how screwed up I am and how even when things are going right I can never allow myself to be happy… probably far more disturbing childhood info than all of you ever need to know… and that’s why I’m rewriting it. (rant about being a "fan")
July: When I went to the store yesterday before work to go get cigarettes I saw Nicole drive by. She honked. We haven’t spoken since we yelled at each other in the car when she dropped me off on Wednesday. She knows I didn’t go to the interview though, seeing me on a curb at quarter past six was a dead give away since the interview was fifteen minutes prior to that. I feel bad about pissing her off, but this is my life. (becoming a stripper again...)
August: God. I just can’t do this anymore. Any of it. All of it. I can’t take care of myself, and it just rips me apart inside. (my year obviously wasn't a happy one)
September: The decision to go to Dragon*Con was seriously made in about five seconds after I saw this: @JulieBenz Flying to atlanta for dragon con... Come by and say "hi"! (okay, that was a happy entry lol)
October: My mac died. Well, okay, not died exactly, but the screen part broke, and they were gonna charge me like $500 instead. So I did the only thing I could do… I bought a PC for the same damn amount of money. Fucking Apple likes to rob people, I’m sure that’s like the #1 thing they teach their employees. (and I *still* haven't gotten it fixed... sigh)
November: I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. (yeah, that wasn't happy either.)
December: I don’t know if I’m more high or drunk right now. All I know is that I’m very hyper aware of what’s going on. You have no idea how bad that it is for me. Especially sexually. (sexual freakout)

So. Yeah. That sums up the shittiness of my year pretty well =/

last day of "sugarloaf"

2009-12-22T17:31:00.000-08:00

Aw, guys, I’m so sad that “Sugarloaf” is over. That went by way too quickly.

It’s so weird, finally when I feel completely comfortable and I fit in and I’m having so much fun… it’s just over. Man, but it’s like… addicting, being on set. God, that’s what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to be in that business. It’s just so fucking fascinating, I really mean that. And it’s odd for me to go to work and just… fuck, love it like that. I’ve never had a job I went to that I loved. That even though I’m functioning on barely any sleep, jacked up on Redbull for twelve hours, I’m still happy.

You know, my friend told me this would change my life. I’m starting to think he’s right. God, I am so pumped now for the movie in April. Move the fuck over Shreveport, Mary’s coming through. LOL. Okay that was lame, but hey. I’m giddy at the moment.

So yeah, today I could get to set and back on my own and I that was a huge relief because I hate relying on other people. I was actually supposed to work yesterday, Paul, the producer, emailed me last night and was like “Where were you?!” and that was all Patrick, the casting director’s, fault cause he told me I was off. So yeah. I had Paul texting me last night to make sure I was coming in today, and Pete too… who I believe was one of the ADs. I think.

So yeah. Five hours of sleep, get on Marta and get my ass to downtown Atlanta. We all met in the Hilton, which was where we had lunch, but we were filming in a bar down the street. There was 75 extras today for one four page scene. We were all cramped in a little room which I think was the “VIP section”. Anyway, this day was completely the best day ever cause we were working the entire day. It’s so much better when you are, cause downtime makes me wanna take a flippin’ nap.

So yeah, Pete came over and was intensely nice to me today, I’m not sure why. I mean he knew who I was the other days, but we never really talked. He was all “Hey, how are you? Got your text last night. How’s [so and so – edited for, well, just because I am], haven’t seen him in forever… yada yada.” Maybe he finally put my face to my name, I’m not sure. But yeah, he was much more pleasant today. He was kind of a screaming-oriented man during the hospital scenes LOL. But that's his job.

Uh… right. So I’m at the bar. Pete gives me HELLA stage directions. Talk to one guy for a minute, then go over to the other side of the bar and say hi to someone, then come back, a couple comes up and we talk a bit, then me and the first guy cross behind the actors and go all the way back around again back to our original spot. So the first time we did this take, when I go over the guy I was supposed to just say hi to on the other end of the bar, somehow it turned into drunk flirty sluttiness. It was so great, really it was. Both of us got really into it, and apparently we were amusing the other extras. Someone complimented me on my acting (which hi, I never even knew I could, at least not well enough to get complimented on it) and then another guy came up to me and was like “GIRL, I LOVE YOU! You are being such a little slut over there and it is freaking FABULOUS.” You can guess his sexual orientation lol. He was sweet xD

So yeah, eventually it turned into the first guy being my boyfriend, and I leave him to go drunk flirt with that other guy, then when I come back we have a little couples fight and I storm off and he follows, which is how we crossed behind the actors. I have to say, it’s so much better when you actually have some kind of story, even though I’m sure you’ll only see me in the scene very briefly in the background.

Uh, somewhere in the middle of all that I get to say hi and talk with Paul for a little bit. He seems to really like me, which is good, cause my friend told me that I like, for serious need to get his approval. It’s kind of vital for me to be hired on for other projects.

Went out for a cigarette break at one point, and one of the actors, Carlos Gómez, came out and had one with me. Just bullshit talked for a bit, then I was like “You were on Charmed, right?” and we joked a bit about how he’s gonna go all demon again and kill off everyone. I don’t know, LOL. It was amusing for a bit. But see? That’s what I meant before about the actors and having an entirely different air when you’re on set. Everyone is just people. It’s really nice.

So yeah. Um, near the end of the day the bartender apparently decides I’m the hottest fucking thing since sliced bread. While in the middle of a scene he came up to me and started whispering. Which, first of all, we are not supposed to whisper. We’re supposed to fake talk. So you know what the first thing he says to me is? “You look kinky, have you ever been a dominatrix?” And I thought he was shitting me, just trying to fuck with me, so I let it go. Then for like three scenes after that he kept coming up to me, while we’re FUCKING filming, and whispering about how he wants to have hot kinky dom/sub sex with me. I told him I’m a lesbian, but this mother fucker just couldn’t take a hint.

Okay, I don’t like to be the tattle tale. But everyone could see how much it was bothering me, so they told me to go tell someone. So I get Paul and explain the situation, and he got kinda pissed. He was like “That’s so wrong, so inappropriate, I’m sorry.” So I run away while apparently he went the fuck off on this dude in front of everyone and fired him. I came back and so many people ran up to me and was like “Oh my god, what happened? What was he saying to you? I’m so glad you told someone,” and all that.

I feel kind of bad for getting him fired, but we were there to work. This isn’t a fucking date line, mother fucker. And I sure as hell ain’t gonna go on one with you.

But yeah, fun day. Tried to find Pete and Paul before I left, but the guy I got fired was still there, glaring at me like nobody’s freaking business, so I high tailed it out of there to get away from him. Texted them both my thanks though.

Sigh. Back to hideous stripping work for the next couple months… then the real fun begins.

ignore this, I'm just saving it

2009-12-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry, you can ignore this. I'm taking everyone off one of my old MySpace pages to use for something else, and I came across this. I thought I lost everything that had to do with this retreat.

Hudson: Theres millions of jobs in the world. Your identity is tied up with stripping.

Me: I havent been doing it that long though.

Hudson: ....Its Sunday, you have more makeup on than Tammy Faye Bakker, and your wearing like a bikini top. And its COLD outside.

***

Me: I dont believe it.

Hudson: I know you dont, thats why you continue to take all the actions you take. You dont feel you are, but thats a lie. [pause] Do you believe in God? [I shake my head no] Okay.

Me: I believe in something more than us but--

Hudson: Thats fine.You dont like the word and thats fine. So whatever put us here, cause nobody knows, we act like we know but we dont know what the fuck we're doing even the language we're speaking is all made up. Its all made up by somebody else. And it cant even touch as much as my emotions do. This limited speach, that I'm trying to communicate with you. And you still cant understand everything I'm saying, even with the same language. Whatever brough us here, the unknowing, but whatever brought us here, and beauty of whatever we're in, this soup that we're in. This procreation that makes sharks and snakes and aligators... and clouds and the world. Whatever it is, I dont know what it is, but I know we're part of it. Your a part of it too. You are no more and no less than the sun, or stardust, or a flower, or a shark, or me. You are equal to all of that, because you are apart of it. So whatever made us didnt make us seperate and different. Its only us, human beings with a mind. Have you ever seen a really unhappy bird? A bird that judges itself? A bird that looks at itself and goes "wow my feathers are really a mess today"? No, birds dont do that. Animals dont do that. Humans do that. Now if you see a cat or dog that seem neurotic, its not that cat or dogs fault. It lives with humans. Its what we project upon it.

***

Me: I dont know anything. I just want to and I pretend I do.

Hudson: Right. Thats probably the truest statement I've heard you say so far. So my guess is that you are ready. If not now, when?

Me: I'm scared.

Hudson: So change that. Look at me. [I do] Change it. Change it. Buy something called The Secret. Buy the video The Secret. You can look it up online, you can get it through google. THE SECRET. I want your word that your going to get it.

***

Hudson: How do you FEEL?

Me: [thinks about it for a little bit] ... Calmer.

Hudson: Good.... Good. [pause] You know its funny when I see you sometimes, and I probably shouldnt tell you this, but when I see you, I wish you were my own child, and I could have raised you from when you were a little girl.

<3 her. Ninteen year old confused me... this was shit from a tarot reading she did with me. I tape recorded it so I could remember what she said, cause she's very insightful. I did at one point have the whole thing, but that's lost now.

Oh, more stuff I want to save for reasons you don't need to know. Maybe I don't even know.

I cut myself at least once every two weeks at that fifteen. I cried almost every day. I'd look at myself in the mirror and try to suck in my stomach and get rid of my love handles to see what I would look like if I was skinny. I hated every part of myself, because I felt like nothing.

Most of my friends always had boyfriends. I didn't. Granted, I was gay (or at least came out by that age), but I didn't have a girlfriend. I didn't go on dates. I didn't do anything. All my friends were skinnier than me, prettier than me. ANd I hated it. I hated when my friends asked me what size pants I wore and I had to answer 9. I would kill to be a 9 again lmao. But they were all sizes 3-5-7 and I felt huge.

I tell people I like stripping and modeling now because for the first time in my life I'm pretty. Where in reality, I was always pretty. I just never knew it.

But to be truthful, it wasnt high school that effected my self esteem the worst, it was Jr. High. Because thats when my FRIENDS were cruel to me. In high school it was the usual bullshit, but in Jr. High I was fucked up by how my friends treated me. I did think I had gotten prettier in high school then when I was in Jr. High, but I still felt ugly. Heres me in Jr. High, when I was being treated like dirt by my friends:

Thirteen years old. WHen I first started cutting myself. My friends would make fun of me cause I dressed in dark clothes, when they all dressed like preps. When we walked to school I had to walk on the street because "dogs couldnt walk on the sidewalk", they wouldnt take pictures of me because my "rolls would show".

Yeah, for real. I was a size 6 then too.

And I put up with it because I wanted to have friends. I didn't want to be alone. I probably would have been better off alone.

And people wonder why I have jacked up self esteem. I block alot of shit out about my teenage years. You know, I FORGOT how shitty I was treated in middle school until I found my diary when I was like, shit, maybe 19? I went OFF on my best friend. Hard fucking core went OFF. God... It was like 5 years too late, but whatever.

Sugarloaf, Leverage Drama

2009-12-20T20:44:00.000-08:00

The last two days I have been working on the pilot for the A&E show Sugarloaf.

Yeah, I don’t know what’s up with the name either. I didn’t ask. I’m sure it’ll make sense though, haha. I just know barely anything about the show. It’s a cop show… I think. Well, the main guy is a cop, who I guess moved from Chicago to Miami. And yeah, that is where my knowledge of the show ends, seeing as that’s all there is on IMDB. Though from what I can gather he’s got a thing for the female lead. But hey, no shock there. Haha. Especially no shock seeing as she doesn’t seem all that interested.

The main guy… I swear I’ve seen him in something before but I can’t think of it, even scanning IMBD. The female lead apparently was on “Lost” for a couple of episodes, but I don’t watch that show. Really petite little thing. Very pretty. And there’s a guy that plays a doctor (I think?) who I recognized from “Charmed” like from wayyy back in the day. He was the demon cop that killed Andy in I think the… er… first season finale? Second? Something.

It’s kind of nice to be around actors who aren’t all… I don’t know. You know like during conventions they’re all “special” and shit? They always have that air about them that makes them seem way cooler or something. Ha. I know that sounds weird, but I’m being serious. Like the actors are afraid to go up to “normal” people, or mingle in normal public. Which I mean, I still consider myself that, normal public, I mean, hello, so it was nice to not have them, I don’t know, be all snobbish and shit. But yeah, it’s not like that on set. You’re working, they’re working, and honestly you barely even look twice at the people cause you’re doing your own shit. It’s a much calmer environment. I did get to see them act once though, which was cool to watch. I was supposed to be in the scene, but my cue to walk on wasn’t until much later and it turned out they didn’t need me when the scene ended, so I got to stand on the sidelines and watch. So that was fun.

So right. Saturday I wake up at five fucking o’clock in the morning to be on set at six thirty. Cue me dying a little bit. I was nervous like hell, but I guess you always get nervous on the first day of a job. I actually walked right into it today though and felt totally comfortable, so that was good. Usually it takes me awhile to feel alright in a new environment, but I think that mainly had to do with our AWESOME PA, Tarryn. She really was the bomb. So nice. I can’t believe she really remembered all of our names, I don’t think I could ever do that. I’m horrible with names. Faces I can do, but names? Ha. No.

I was used in the first scene they did on Saturday; one in the emergency waiting room. Doubt you can see my face, I was behind a pillar, and while the main actor guy walked in behind me, I don’t think there was a camera set up there. But I just read my little brochure about, hell, what was it? I think it was an elderly home. HAHA. Not joking. Anyway, if the pilot does get picked up, maybe you’ll see my legs. Wooo my legs. ROFL.

I already knew when I came in I most likely wouldn’t be a nurse or a doctor. For one: way too young. For two: my look? Not the most professional. So I was a visitor each day. Kinda annoyed I dyed my hair for this though… clearly I didn’t need to seeing as one girl today came in with red, blonde, and black hair and tattoos all over her. So yeah. Fail. I’m mad at my hair right now.

If I’ve learned one thing though, its that I never, ever want to be an actor. HAHA. Just… hell no. Too repetitive, and being an extra blows with all the downtime. When I work I like to actually work. I can’t sit around all day, it drives me insane. You know how many episodes of Leverage I watched on my laptop during down time? A lot. Tried to write a little bit but I can’t get into it when theres a million other people around. I just can’t focus and get inside my THE (because hell, I steal the bitches) character’s heads.

But when you’re actually there doing something, it’s amazing. You know, you never actually realize how much work is put into one tiny freaking scene. I mean, this shit is crazy. With props and specific directions for the extras and god… haha… what they did outside? It’s supposed to be Florida, so they brought a bunch of palm trees, SPRAY PAINTED THE DEAD GRASS GREEN, planted flowers… I mean shit. They just went off with all of that. It was nuts. Kind of amusing seeing a bunch of green palm trees around one damn dead, pathetic looking tree xD

Uh, yeah, so anyway. The original plan of this little outing was to learn how to be a PA. Unfortunately, they shot more days then they were planning in Florida, so less here, so the producer, Paul, didn’t need me to be a PA anymore and just gave me work as an extra. He also has worked on Leverage, by the way. Which is kind of how I got this job. Kind of. It’s… okay, not complicated, but I just won’t go into it. One day I’m sure you all will realize, but that day will probably be in er… hm. I give it four months. That is if you can put two and two together LOL. Honestly I really don’t talk about a lot of the shit that has to do with Leverage, just cause of … everything. And man, especially not after this week! Leverage fans can be downright mean to me, but I’ll get into that later.

Met someone else that worked on Leverage too. Michael, I believe. I don’t remember what he did for the show, but he’s going back to film season three I guess. It was funny, cause he apparently thought I would be there too, just cause of how I got this job, but no. I have been told explicitly that I am never allowed to work on Leverage. And you know what? I’m really okay with that. Leverage is my fandom; I don’t want it to be work. It’s my fun place. I mean, I’d love to see it be filmed maybe ONCE, but just from a behind the scenes standpoint. But that’s a whole other story.

Plus, if I worked on Leverage, I can’t even begin to imagine how much shit I would get from some of the fans. It really bugs me, honestly. Okay… hell, I’ll go into this now. So yeah, ya’ll remember Dean being all OMG I HAVE SCISSORS AND I WILL CHOP OFF CHRISTIAN KANE’S BEAUTIFUL MANE [INSERT EVIL LAUGH HERE]? Well I told Christian that I might have to do another protest video, and he DMed me on Twitter and told me I should do it (and you know, part of me thinks he was in this all along with Dean… sneaky people. I’m so a PAWN for drama, apparently xD) So I did it, and he said thanks to me and then RTed it on HIS Twitter… and while I got a lot of positive feedback, a few “man that bitch is crazy” (which, I’ll take, cause I am)… there was some people that were just downright horrible about it. Someone basically called me a hussy, or a slut, or whatever, another was like “wow that girl has no fucking life” and just… all this crap that, yeah, actually hurt my feelings.

I get jealousy. Trust me, I do. I’m a jealous person, but I keep everything to myself (then again, I’m into self torture, so hmph). And I get HELLA jealous when it comes to Beth. And it sucks cause people like to brag about the time they’ve spent with her to me. Which I mean, yeah, in some ways I want to know just cause I’d like to get a feel for her before I meet her myself. Which, thus far, looks like I’m not gonna get annoyed or pissed off by her, so that’s a plus LOL (and apparently everyone gets the “I like women” vibe from her as well, which hi, I so never needed to know that, really. Don’t encourage me, it’s just mean lol). I get weary of diva like behavior, only cause I’m the type to SAY something about it to their face, and I’m sure that would get me in trouble. But apparently she ain’t like that at all. But yeah, I mean, I GET that. I get jealous as hell and I stomp around and pout (metaphorically) because my five year old brain thinks it’s not fair because I’m like, whatever, her biggest fan or something. Most noticeable one, anyway. But you know what? Life isn’t fucking fair, and that’s why I don’t pitch a bitch fit to people over it. I’m nice, I listen, I’m GLAD for them. And in the end, I just hope I come out with a better story LOL.

Though, to be fair, I have a lot of bragging rights with Beth already and I have yet to even meet her, but it’s all shit I really don’t feel like I should share with… any of you. Sorry. There’s a lot of stuff in this fandom I just don’t ever fucking talk about. Mainly for my own piece of mind.

I just don’t understand why people can be mean to other people about something as stupid as that though. It wasn’t like Christian got down on one knee and asked me to fuckin’ marry him. He RTed my freaking video. And that’s cause to hate my life? Jeez. And me? I’m the type of person to get pissed off, say something, and hell I’ll throw down if you want, but at the end of the day I go home and cry myself to sleep. That’s just who I am. I’m used to hate and people talking shit when I was Sapphire Smoke, got that twenty times a fucking day on the sapphiire channel, but hell, that comes with the territory. My fandom is my safe place, you guys. It was just a slap in the face for that to happen. But moving on from THAT drama and back on topic…

Uh, right. Saturday. I ended up getting horrible stomach cramps halfway through the day, but I didn’t have to work anymore. Just more downtime. Though sitting around with stomach cramps blows monkey nuts. I could barely enjoy my damn lunch (which was fabulous, by the way) cause I was hurting so bad. Anyway, the day ended, Nicole decided that she wasn’t going to pick me up, so when I called my sister she said she would, but when I called back Nicole picked up and told me hell no. So I was like wtf bitch and was really pissed off because Marta, the bus and train thingie… yeah, it doesn’t GO in that area. I had no money for a cab, hell, I have thirteen dollars to my name right now until work on Wednesday. THIRTEEN. I can’t get to work on that either, and will have to beg Nicole for a ride. Lord.

So this woman, Hattie, says she’ll drive me to Five Points and I’ll get the train and then a bus from there. Turns out she’s a actress/director/producer, and is doing a bunch of things in Atlanta and wants to get me on board. She’s got a couple small time TV series she does, and hell, that would be AWESOME. She was really fucking cool, took me home today too. We’re gonna get together after the holidays and I’m gonna teach her how to use Final Cut Pro and Sony Vegas cause she wants to learn how to edit her own stuff.

Anyway, today, call time was 8:45am. Which wasn’t bad, though I didn’t sleep very well. But after the whole hour of GOD I HATE THE WORLD, it was actually nice to be up and doing shit during the day time. Honestly, working a twelve hour day and coming home to just chill for a couple hours before bed? God, I LOVE it. And it’s so screwed up, because right now I have no time to do any fandom stuff, which is what I do with my fucking LIFE. But it’s so damn rewarding to go to a REAL job and just… WORK. You guys have no fucking idea how happy it makes me. I was so damn NICE to my cats when I got home LOL. Usually I walk in the door and they’re attention deprived (the spoiled bastards) and are all over me and I’m like GO THE FUCK AWAY, YOU’RE ANNOYING! Though to be fair, half the time I’m fucking drunk lol.

The only scene I was in today was one that was done outside. Hi, it’s 35 freaking degrees out, and we’re all in tank tops and shorts cause it’s “Florida”. I was paired with two other girls that couldn’t have been more than twenty. Both of them were just there just because, I don’t know, they had nothing better to do that day? They were nice and all, we got along, but when it came time to roll? Okay, that scene took two hours. Lots of different shots to do; normal, wide, close ups, yada yada. We’re running back and forth resetting every ten minutes. After, hell, a half an hour, they’re bitching up a storm. “Oh my god, aren’t we done yet? It’s COLD!” Of course it’s cold, Jesus. But you’re getting paid to fucking stand out here in the cold, so just fucking do it.

And okay, honestly, how hard is it to fake talk? To fake having a conversation? These girls couldn’t do it to save their pretty little necks. And we cross right behind the actors, definitely getting into the shot, and I’m attempting to make this look somewhat realistic by pretending to talk to them and they just… ugh, fail at life. They were so still and nodded weird and it was just GOD. So yeah, that annoyed me. I don’t know, maybe it was cause I was fucking ESTASTIC to be there, to be doing the scene, SOMETHING, and they just couldn’t give a crap less. Why couldn’t I have been paired with any of the many aspiring actors? I mean, really. I don’t want to act, I don’t like to act, but hell, I can do it decently. Stripping is all about acting (well, lying, really LOL), and modeling is all about acting without speaking.

Right. Anyway. So we had a nice, full, twelve hour day. Yay. Though for ten hours I was basically doing nothing, which sucked. I can’t stress that enough. Boredom, me, hello. Also, I’ve realized I need to put Leverage episodes on my freaking phone. LOL

So I mainly watched Tarryn and what she was doing, since that’s gonna be my job come April. And really, though she basically got bossed around and yelled at all damn day… fucking I can do that. I can do that hardcore lol. Yell at me all you want, just give me something to do! lol.

I’m probably gonna be working Tuesday, but I don’t know yet. It’ll be a bar scene, and HOPEFULLY it’ll be in Atlanta, so I can take the damn bus. But yeah, this is a wicked awesome experience, and I am SOOOO grateful to my friend who set me up with this opportunity.

This is wicked long, so I guess I’ll stop now. Comments? Questions? (OMG, DAVID, FLORIDA TRIP! Hahahaha…. Okay to the rest of you, that was an inside joke to my brother LOL. Nvm)

Leverage sex

2009-12-11T14:50:00.001-08:00

Overlapping my sexual writing styles for this last story was weird for me. Mainly because while I have specific set ways on how each pairing has sex with each other, I couldn’t think of a solid one for Parker/Sophie/Eliot. It’s just an odd threesome, you think? One that no one ever really thinks of, and only came about because of Parker/Sophie hints in my last Sophie/Eliot story. Continuation of that. If I knew how hard it would be to logically write them all to that point, I might have said fuck it and never started . HA. I’m serious. Once again, what was supposed to be a short story is now up to being 45 fucking pages long (and still not finished).

To explain though, when I write:

Eliot/Sophie; it’s rough, dominating. Full of masochism and anger mixed with both love and passion. It’s kinky, it’s wild, it’s in every way so very not watered down. Eliot dominates very fiercely, both with words and actions. It’s violent. Sophie can dominate too, but she’s not very good at it. For being so good at manipulating people as a grifter, she can’t seem to manipulate Eliot. Instead, she takes the opposite route; for one who’s always in control, she surrenders all of it to him: the one person she knows she can trust it with because of Eliot’s own control over his violence. She wants to be hurt, but she wants to feel safe at the same time. That’s not to say she doesn’t try to dominate him, but in the end usually succumbs to Eliot’s needs. That said, they can have romantic, soft sex, but it’s rare.

Parker/Sophie; I’ve probably done it all with Parker/Sophie, being the pairing I wrote very heavily and primarily during season one. I’ve done love, I’ve done anger, I’ve done kink. But out of all of the stories I’ve done, the main route I usually take is usually just... hard passion. Parker loves Sophie; in so many way’s she’s like the mother she never had (and yes, I realize how kinky and a bit fucked up that in it’s self seems, but bear with me). That love, when put in a sexual situation, makes Parker get very, very attached (which in turn usually makes her the submissive). Now Sophie, on the other hand… Sophie does care about Parker. She worries about her, watches out for her, but when put in a sexual situation with her, she tends to be blinded by her own selfishness. She wants it all without all the headaches that being with Parker could possibly make for her. So she always suppresses it, makes Parker keep everything a secret, keeps a firm distance from getting too close, and gets frustrated and angry when Parker doesn’t understand why. But there is a part of Sophie that loves her, that’s maybe even in love with her a little bit, and while near the end of my stories that tends to come out, during sex it’s still very much hidden under the layers. Their sex is a little rough usually, dom/sub without the massive kink (you’re just usually very aware of who is in control, even though its never spoken), and not anywhere close to the decibel of Eliot and Sophie’s is.

Parker/Eliot; I’ve only done this once, very briefly, just for the sin “Lust” in my Seven Deadly Sins short stories. Just rough fuck and forget against the wall in the bathroom of an airplane. Very unattached, emotionless. They used each other to get off and that was that, basically. There was no point to talk about it afterwards, in their mind. Get some, get gone. They both seemed to share the control equally, giving and taking like they’d done it a million times. They just fit together in that way.

Now. My problem was that I couldn’t for the life of them see them together. I know that doesn’t many any sense. I was seeing them separately. Seeing what Eliot does to Sophie, what he does to Parker and what Parker does to her. I was having trouble stepping back and viewing the whole picture. Especially because since Eliot and Sophie are so kinky, and here they were, inviting Parker into their sex life for a night, and Parker… Parker to me isn’t extremely kinky, at least to their altitude. She’s rough, can play some games, but just not the kind of person who dominates forcefully though violent physicality and by words, and at the same time, she is so not the person who lays down and takes that either. And of course, because of how uptight I usually make Sophie into having people find out about her sex life (which, of course, in this story Parker already knew, but knowing is very different from seeing), I made her embarrassed. Thankfully I did establish in the last story that Sophie gets turned on by humiliation, so that worked. Yay me.

I had issues establishing roles in the sex; and it actually ends up switching quite a bit. I tried to keep Eliot and Sophie’s kinky sex life in tact but I watered it down a lot, I know that. And I could make the excuse that they did that for Parker, but its just me not knowing how to write it any other way. Everyone switched the role of being the dominator, though Parker’s own domination was more forceful curiosity. I kind of made Parker how I made her in OT3 fics (Parker/Hardison/Eliot), not so much a dominatrix but still knowing she has control. Though, in my last fic she wasn’t as subtle about knowing she had control as she was in my “Who Say’s You Can Only Have One?” series. Sophie’s domination didn’t last of course, but on the flip side, neither did Eliot’s. It just seemed awkward for me, maybe because I know I had no idea what the hell I was doing. It might be hot for all I know.

I really have no idea if it came out alright. Haha. Though I’m still not done with the story, so I won’t know until I finish and post it. I know I’m being really anal over it, and I know people are just gonna read it and just think “YAY! SEX!” and not think about how deep it all goes as it does with me, but still. I like to have a solid, reasonable, logical explanation of the way they all have sex with each other based on their characteristics… and the fact is, that’s such a weird threesome that I honestly could never think of another way this could happen outside of this story.

Kind of like my Livia/Varia fic. If any of you watch Xena, you know that’s a fucked up pairing. But the way I did it, man I loved the way I did it, one of my favorite stories to date and I just wish I could find another way to do it, because now I love that pairing. But I can’t think of anything logically.

So yeah. This threesome is totally a one time thing. Enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully I’ll be done with the story soon, but I actually have to work this weekend. Blah. Next weekend though I’ll be working on the TV show – so yay!

explination

2009-12-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

Before I go into my whole… horrible part of last night, I do want to talk about some good parts.

I made a grand at work on Tuesday night. Actually, technically, I made $1200. But after tipping out our ungodly percentage, I walked with a grand. Dead fucking Tuesday night. I wasn’t enjoying being back – it was awkward for me. But my friend was there, happy I was back… and she found a customer who was willing to take us both to VIP. We thought he’d only be in there a half an hour. Four hours later… well… yeah. Cleanest fucking time in VIP I’ve ever had in that club. Cleanest I’ve ever made that much amount of money. All we seriously did was dance and drink. It was crazy.

I thanked God so much for that. And you know me, I’m a skeptic. But that? I in no way deserved that. My lazy ass didn’t go to a work for a month. An ENTIRE month. I should not have been given that.

Anyway, so. My thing with money though is money + drugs = sexy. So when I get the chance to get free coke, did I say no? Of course I didn’t. Free drugs are free drugs, and as long as it isn’t meth I thought I wouldn’t feel bad about it. After all, since I’ve been “clean” I have done ecstasy once, adderal maybe three times. Nothing major, but you know, just sometimes. So when I get money, for some reason I associate that with drugs. Not even spending it. But to me? Snorting a line or six with a hundred dollar bill feels fucking sexy to me.

Of course the guy giving it to me wants in my pants. I’ve been clear on this matter many times to him and he just doesn’t seem to get it. But that’s not my problem. I’m sick of repeating myself.

Right so. Pretty much passed the fuck out that night… went over my friends house and we played WoW a bit and then passed out. Next day we slept pretty much all fucking day, then get up, went out to lunch, came back, passed out, got up, went to Dave & Busters, ate, played games, went out to a bar.

Come back to their house: sex.

Which, don’t get me wrong, I very much like both of these people. I enjoy having spontaneous threesomes one cause holy HELL can this girl squirt more than I’ve ever seen anyone do in my ENTIRE LIFE, and two, it’s just… IDK. Fun. Ha. Anyway, problem is… once I had woken up I had been doing lines the whole night. I didn’t tell them. They both like for serious don’t do drugs.

Of course she finds out. Knows I’m not drunk, that something else is wrong with me. I tell her. She’s fine with it at first – not happy – but fine. She’s not now, not after my freak out. She called me an addict. I got upset. Really upset. She was trying to help, but I can’t be called an addict.

Coke makes me hyper aware of what’s going on. For all the times I’ve had sex in my life, I try very much to be on something that dulls everything around me. I don’t ever want to know my own sex.

So she totally called me out on faking my orgasm last time. I told her I just do that and make all the damn sound effects so I don’t fuck peoples self esteem up. It’s really really hard to get me off. Seriously. I can’t even get myself off half the time. Anyway, of course I try to compensate by telling them I do enjoy sex, but I enjoy sex for another reason: abuse.

They tried, they really did. But they are not abusive, hurtful people. They couldn’t do it the way I needed.

And then I just… fucking broke. I don’t know how, or why, but I ran into the bathroom and chain-smoked like a bitch to try to get myself to calm down.

She came in, tried to make me talk. I refused, I didn’t want to explain. More pushing and I just told her I can’t be aware of what’s going on when I have sex because I THINK SEX IS WRONG. I know that’s stupid, it makes no sense, but I feel like it’s wrong. Like it’s a dirty thing to do and I shouldn’t be doing it. That I’m disgusting for participating in it. I started crying, and she kept saying its okay, the way I want sex, everyone fantasies about weird shit and I told her no, that she has no fucking clue the fucked up things I fantasize about. There is one that I vowed to never, ever tell another living soul.

And she pushed and pushed and I screamed and I broke and I told her. Its disgusting, vile, horrible shit that makes me feel like I should kill myself for even thinking about.

I will not write it here.

I can’t believe she told me it’s okay. It’s okay that I think about that, that it makes so much sense because of what I’ve been through. And I KNOW that. I know WHY, psychologically I can think that. That doesn’t make it better. I would never do it, I couldn’t. I’d rip my fucking goddamn face off before I ever did something like that. But that doesn’t change how disgusting it is. Thoughts like that should never run through someone’s mind. And the main reason being to just destroy, lash out, revenge, steal someone else’s soul… that’s sick, twisted crap.

I hate myself so much for it. For everything I do or even think about sexually. I hate sex, I really do. Sex just continues to destroy me.

And yet I run my entire fucking life around it.

I have a serious problem. I know I do. I just… fuck. I’m so sick of all my problems. No human being should be allowed to have this many fucking issues. It’s just not right. It’s just not fucking fair.

fuck

2009-12-03T02:40:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if I’m more high or drunk right now.

All I know is that I’m very hyper aware of what’s going on. You have no idea how bad that it is for me. Especially sexually.

Threesome.

I’m off-putting, but they understand that’s just how I am when I’m high.

No I am not on meth. I haven’t touched that since March 28th. I hope to never touch it again. I can’t handle it.

I just can’t handle sex when I know whats going on. I can explain it, but I won’t. I don’t wanna go through it again. Don’t wanna cry again.

The stupid slut whore isn’t supposed to run and lock herself in the bathroom and cry. She’s supposed to spread her legs and take it like a good little bitch.

I’m sick of being who I am. I’m sick of all of this.

I can’t have sex anymore. I really, really can’t. You all don’t understand what it does to me or how it makes me feel.

There’s something seriously wrong with me.

And I’m just fucking sick of it all. I can’t deal with this anymore. I’ve tried, tried so goddamn hard. I am so angry right now. I didn’t wanna say half the shit I did.

I can’t deal with this.

I hate who I am. What I’ve become. I wish I wasn’t over someone’s house right now. I wanna destroy myself.

Fuck all of this.

the sexual shit none of you need to know

2009-11-26T03:31:00.000-08:00

I’ve been refraining from writing in here for a bit now. Not because I don’t have anything to write about, cause shit I really do, but maybe because I didn’t know if I was ready to tell anyone yet. For awhile it made me feel dirty, like I was doing something wrong. Which is ridiculous, because out of all the damn things I’ve done in my life, something this normal shouldn’t make me feel dirty.

Forewarning for those of you who aren’t used to my brash honesty: this will be complete TMI. Read at your own risk.

The first thing that made me feel like something was wrong with me was when I started watching porn. Alright, I know most of you are like “Seriously? Porn?” cause hi, I fucking do porn, my pussy is out there for the whole goddamn world to see, but the thing is… I never watch it. Rarely, maybe fucking once every three months. It’s not a normal thing for me, and to be honest I really don’t masturbate all the much. As fucked up as it is, I get off, and no, not literally, writing and reading fics. It doesn’t give me an actual orgasm, but sexually stimulating my mind usually does more for me in the long run. Honestly. I know I’m weird.

Okay, the second thing. It’s been often. Like every night. I don’t masturbate every night to it or anything, but sometimes I just watch it. I have no idea why. I just get the urge to. And it’s never long, maybe a half an hour at best, but it’s still become a reoccurring thing.

Third thing is, and this is the big one: it’s been straight porn. And, hi, not only straight porn, but what I tend to specifically look for is anal, double penetration, and gang bangs.

Right. See, and now you’re all like “Okkayy… yeah, wtf, you lesbian.”

Oh, it gets worse.

I’ve apparently found the sexy in rape fetishes, especially realistic rape fetish porn. By realistic I don’t mean brutal beatings and shit, but porn in which the girl actually puts up a fight, says no, stop, whatever. You have no idea how many rough sex porn people try to classify as “rape” when the girls sitting there being like “Oh, harder, I like it like that.”

Yeah, no. Rape victims don’t do that.

See, you’re all weirded out by me now. I don’t blame you. I’m freaking out myself.

Now, of course, me, being the person who has to study and analyze everything in my own life, and why I’m acting the way I’m acting, goes and looks up rape fetishes. Like, as a study. Apparently, victims of rape sometimes can develop the fetish much later in life. So okay, I don’t feel like such a weirdo on that front anymore.

But there’s still the big glaring issue here: the straight porn. The loads and loads of dicks violating girls straight porn I can’t seem to fucking stop watching.

I imagine this is how normal people feel when they start to come out of the closet. The problem with me is that I accepted from a very early age that I liked women. I’ve never had an attraction to the male species until it started to form about a year or so ago. Slowly, nothing that’s made me really even notice it. This though is hitting me like a shit ton of bricks in the face.

And it’s freaking me out.

You know all those people saying, “I don’t wanna be gay, I don’t wanna be gay”?

Yeah, I’m the opposite. I don’t want to be straight. Or technically bisexual. Trust me, I still love women, very very much. And I do still know that I will eventually spend the rest of my life with one. But this right here freaks me out. Men as an entire species freaks me out when it comes to sex with them.

Okay no, that’s not true. I’ve had sex with men for money.

Let me revise that: men, having sex with a man, for hell, maybe something seemingly even emotional, fucking makes me want to run screaming.

I can’t trust men. I just can’t. I can have men as friends, but even that’s hard for me. Mainly because they can say one thing, just one fucking thing that’s sexual towards me, manages to make me feel uncomfortable, and then I’ll always feel uncomfortable around them. But I don’t say anything, I even sometimes encourage it, because part of my sick twisted brain is convinced that that’s what I’m supposed to do.

The first time I remember doing it was when I was fourteen. He was my friend, I cared about him, had fun with him, but I knew he liked me. I was all over one of my girl friends at the time whenever I was around him, just to make the point that I didn’t like him like that without having to actually say it. But he’s flirt, I’d giggle, I’d do the shit you’re supposed to do.

Until he got me drunk and him and his TWENTY ONE YEAR OLD friend took me to the woods and molested me in his car. And I say molested just because there was no penis inserted. Other things with inserted, shit that I remember fucking hurt all to holy hell and back again. Too many god damn things.

I said “I don’t want to,” a grand total of one time in my drunken half passed out state. Middle of the woods, had no idea where the fuck I was, trashed off my ass, and that fucking instinct just takes over where you realize if you just let it happen then it can’t possibly be worse than what could happen if you try to fight.

Its sick, but that’s what happened. I told my best friend what he did, and you know what she said? “Well you must have acted like you wanted it, because he just wouldn’t do that.” He was her friend too.

Right. I never told anyone about that ever again. Fuck all of that. I probably should tell my mom, she’s hated the bastard since I first started hanging out with him. Worse when he got me into that car accident. But he’s still in jail anyway, so fat lot of good that’ll do.

Anyway, my point is, I can’t handle this whole bi-curious thing I got going on right now. I want it to stop. It freaks me out, and I don’t like it.

And yet I continue to watch this goddamn porn.

Oh and, here’s the great part: integrating my dirty little fetishes into my fanfic. God. My little anal fascination showed up in “The Intervention Job”, and my slight rape/treat me like a whore fetish showed up in “Forgotten.”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. The fucking end.

Comment Replies

2009-11-16T15:33:00.001-08:00

Anonymous said...
You have one big boob, and one small boob. Why?

Because God decided to have a laugh when he made me. Oh, and probably every other woman, since no one is symmetrical on that front. Also, considering my smaller breast is still a C cup, I want to know where you’ve been hanging out if you consider that “small”. I wanna hang out where all the huge titty bitches are.

On a more serious note, the left one seemed to stop growing after I got into a car accident when I was a teenager, and that whole side of me got tore up.

SuperShineyGirl said...
And sure Beth might *have* to be nice. But I think once you meet her, you'll feel more comfortable. She exudes warmth. Hell she might even try to mother you.

Oh lord, the last thing I need is another celebrity mother. Haha. I have Hudson Leick to mother me. Then again, she’s probably more like an older sister by the way she so bluntly and without any remorse tells me the truth about how much I’m fucking off. She doesn’t coddle, haha. But I guess I find the mother figure in her probably because once she told me that she sometimes she wishes I was her child and that she could have raised me.

I don’t know if I’d want Beth to view me in that way though. Hudson might be the first “celebrity” that has kind of felt like they needed to, I dunno, help me, or whatever, but she hasn't been the last. I’d rather not add another one to the list, makes me feel like I have some kind of draw that just sucks famous people in or something. Its weird.

Koryou said...
Celebrity crushes, how to explain them? Everybody who's crushing on a celebrity is in love with the idea of that person, you really are no exception there. I mean even if you meet them (at a Con for example ;) ) that isn't enough to get to know them.

And that's perfectly fine, it becomes a problem though when someone loses sight of the fact that the actual person isn't what they think they are. Because we don't know them, we just know of them.

Exactly. I know how it is to show one side to your “fans” and another to your friends, or people who trust. You become two different people. And I have a crush on the entertainer side of her. And kind of on her creative as fuck mind, if you can have crushes on someone’s mind. Lmao.

Probably won’t stop me from hitting on her though. Not that I think I’ll actually get anywhere, but, you know. She’s pretty. Lol. It just might have to be done. We’ll see how much I drink xD

dude your ass is tanner than my face

2009-11-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

I play a very good victim. I think I feel comfortable in the role, it’s familiar. I’m a victim of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. All different times, all throughout my entire life. What I don’t understand is why I continue to take it and then have the audacity to go and tell people that they shouldn’t put up with the same type of bullshit. I pretend I’m strong, pretend I can handle shit and back again and fuckin’ around the damn corner but the truth? I’m a doormat. I have this sign on my head that says, “Please, make me think you’re a trustworthy friend, a perfect lover, whatever… and then just take the rug out from beneath my feet and throw me on my ass. It’s just too fast and too perfect that I won’t know how to handle it.”

Because I don’t.

Not that I’m getting abused now. Please don’t make that mistake. No, but because I’m not, I feel the need to make the world crumble down around myself. If no one is around to do it for me, why not do it myself, right? I’m big on “Please save me”, but at the same time… I really don’t care if anyone does. Because the flip side? Going so far down that I can’t claw my way back to the surface… that’s acceptable. I push myself into suicide all the time recently. It’s like I’m fuckin’ daring myself. Go on, just do it.

But people save me, over and over again. And while I’m thankful, another part of me hates it, mainly because I just can’t understand it. I’m like fuck, just let me fall, for the love of shit… please…

But I’m smart. I have potential. I’m fucking creative like a mother fucker and that’s all I want to do with my life. But isn’t that how creative people are though? The most creative people are insane, right? That’s just how it works.

It’s sad because I can see myself doing everything I want to do, if only I can just conquer my own demons. I need hypnotism, I think.

To move away from all of that though… I have a job coming up for the month of December. I’m going to be an extra and a part time PA for an upcoming TV show pilot that’s getting filmed here in Atlanta. Don’t ask me the name, I forget. The producer told me, I think, in our very rushed conversation, but I just can’t remember. Ha. Even if I did know it, I don’t know if I would be allowed to say. I don’t know how those things work, since it’s not actually on the air yet.

And I have another job waiting for me in April. Which, ugh, I have to learn to drive for. You all have no idea how large of a fear I have of driving. It terrifies me. But I need to learn…

And, of course, I have to talk about the Leverage convention. I got asked to be a part of it months ago. You have no idea how hard that was to keep it to myself. But anyway, I’m going to be doing a fan video screening, and there’s a possibility that I’ll be doing a Q&A panel, which honestly scared me at first, but now I’m really excited and want it to happen. I know it’ll turn into a slashfic discussion and I’m sosry, but that would just pwn the whole weekend for me. Ha. My shit ain’t on the website though, not sure if it will be, but I know it’ll be in the program schedule, whenever they release that.

I’m nervous already about meeting Beth. But… whatever. I know it won’t be bad or anything, though only because she has to be nice to me. Because career wise? Probably a stupid move to be rude or whatever else to your biggest fan. Even though its superficial, I still take small comfort in that fact. Now, if only I can manage to talk to her like a normal human being. The sad thing is, I’m sure I’ll be able to with all the other actors. Her? It’s just different. I don’t know why. Maybe because of my completely irrational make-no-goddamn-sense-cause-I-don’t-know-the-woman celebrity crush on her. I crush on the idea of her, I suppose. Not her. I don’t know how to explain it, just because I can’t do it rationally myself.

And you all know how I am with rational logic. I don’t know how to deal with things I can’t explain.

Anyway, I guess I’m just doing this because I haven’t in awhile. So, sorry this isn’t of some kind of epic standard, but whatever.

I’m surviving. Good things are coming (because I flew with the seabirds and swam with the dolphins – five points if you know what movie I’m referring to), and hell… shit will either get better or get worse. Flip a coin.

Fuckin call it.

Christian Kane is sex in human form.

2009-10-28T17:15:00.001-07:00

Two words for you all: CHRISTIAN. KANE.

As I’m sure most of you already know by now by my MASSIVE squeezing over it, me and Nicole took a road trip to Nashville, TN to see Mr. Kane perform. It took four hours to drive from Atlanta to Nashville.

We left on Monday, which was one hell of a day for me. Got woke up by my phone only to find a million emails all of which included getting my ass chewed out. Lots of drama, all because people like to take one tiny thing and make it into this big monster that has NOTHING to do with what it originally was. But most of this shit has been resolved, so whatever. I do have one more bone to pick, but I’ll get there. Sometimes, like now, my bite is way worse than my bite. Just an FYI for those that started this entire mess.

But anyway.

Yeah so Monday sucked. Not only did all that drama happen, but then my computer just wouldn’t fucking start for the life of me. Then, we were supposed to leave around two, but we shit just kept happening and we didn’t end up leaving until like six. But we did finally leave. The road trip was pretty fun, all except when we almost got killed by a truck. And that isn’t an exaggeration. Here we are, in her little fucking banana yellow jeep, and this damn truck didn’t put on his blinker and started coming over. Meanwhile, we’re trapped against the guardrail. We seriously only barely made it out. It was scary as hell.

So Monday night was still kind of a mess. Nicole’s friend had this friend we were supposed to be staying with. Well, we go and hang out with a bunch of her friends, which was really fun. I’m actually surprised I got along with all of them so well… you guys know how horrible I am with people usually. Anyway, turns out Nicole’s friend found this girl from this thing called Couch Crashers or something. She didn’t know her. What’s more, the girl thought we had somewhere to stay already.

We just ended up getting a hotel. Motel 6, to be exact. It’s funny, cause Nicole asked me if I knew any cheap hotels and I said that one, because that’s where I used to stay when I was all cracked out on meth. Brought back memories. Those damn hotels are full of drug addicts and dealers. It’s crazy. Made me slightly nostalgic, even though I know how fucked up that is.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss getting high. I still think about it all the time. It’s fucking horrible. Frankly, I have no idea how I’ve managed to stay clean this long.

So the next day we wake up and… the cameras dead. So what do we do? Go to fucking Wal-Mart, aka, the death sentence on my wallet. Oh I need a winter coat, oh I need new shoes, jewelry, oh and while I’m at it… doesn’t that scarf look cute? Seriously. You all have no idea.

But I look fabulous. Just in case anyone was wondering. And yes, I do think one can look fabulous while wearing Wal-Mart clothes.

Then we have time to kill. So what’s cool to do in Nashville (besides drinking)? THE SCIENCE MUSEUM! Me and Nicole kind of relived out childhood a little bit. Parents looked at us funny and steered their children away from the two crazy women who are playing with children’s tools for learning.

Which by the way, don’t try to climb a jungle gym contraption thing in heels. It doesn’t work out very well.

We found the concert place pretty easily. Did help that the Kaniacs were lined up out the door. Me and Nicole actually looked pretty out of place there. I won’t say why, but we did. It was a bit strange, mostly cause I hate when people just stare at me. I always think I have something on my face that just ain’t supposed to be there.

And now I have to brag that we got seats at the bar, right next to the stage. Because there? Yeah that’s my place to be. Alcohol and Kane? Gimme more, gimme more.

I was bouncy as hell, and downing more Long Islands than I probably should. Squeed over the picture they were handing out being taken by Beth too (which, hi, how hard is it to spell Riesgraf? I before E, people… we learn that in school. REIsgraf just looks weird.)

So right. Kane. He comes out on stage, in this whirlwind of sexy hot manliness (yeah, says the lesbian lol) and everyone starts screaming. I might have been included in that, but you’ll never know. So of course, MY first reaction, seriously, was “Oh my godddd… he’s fucking sexy as HELL!” it was said outloud, very loudly, in a tone of voice people should never hear me use unless their naked with me in bed lmao. Really, if I’m to be honest, it was like a damn moan.

Women? I like women? I can’t remember, Kane’s in front of me….

Rofl.

Really, for those of you that have not met him yet, his sexiness fucking EXPLODES in real life. He’s not half as hot on TV. Which now makes me worry that when I see Beth I might spontaneously orgasm or something if that same is true in her case lol.

Moving on.

He starts with “The House Rules” which of course makes everyone bounce around and scream. And he all grabbed his crotch and… oh… okay, focus. Right. Yeah anyway, he was AMAZING live. Honestly I was really surprised. I don’t go to concerts all that much only cause most of the time I do people are horrible live. But his voice is like HEAVEN.

Serenade me, please.
I looked around the crowd a couple of times and was surprised to see that me and only a few others were singing. I’ve come to the conclusion that half of the people who came that at least only came for stalker purposes, and probably haven’t heard much of Kane’s music. Not that I didn’t come for stalker purposes, aha, but I do love his music too.

He preformed “Different Kind of Knight”, one my favorite songs, and it made me swoon. I wish he played “Whiskey In Mind,” but after “Rattlesnake Smile” and “Let Me Go,” all is forgiven.

So during the concert, some woman comes up to me and is like “You’re hot.”

So of course I’m like “Er… thanks?” lol.

Anyway, she says her name is Heather, and she’s Christian’s business partner, and she does promotions and music videos and stuff and wanted my information. So I gave her my phone number, I got hers and well, I’ll guess we’ll see if anything comes out of it.

Oh, during the concert, right at the beginning, Nicole starts hitting my arm like a spaz. So I’m like “WHAT?!” and she’s like “DID YOU SEE THAT?!” And I was like “See what?” cause I’m all in the middle with trying to tweet a little video of the concert. And she’s like “HE LOOKED RIGHT AT YOU.”

So of course I’m like “Wait, seriously?” And she’s like “Yeah, do you think he knows who you are?” and I told her no, that I doubt he would know me by SIGHT. I don’t think Beth would even know me by sight if she saw me in a crowd of people.

But then he looked directly at me AGAIN. That time I caught it. Like it was entirely obvious that he was looking directly at me. It made things dance in places I’d rather not say lmao.

And then it happens one more time.

So Nicole’s like “If he doesn’t know who you are, he probably thinks you’re hot or something. He seriously keeps looking at you.”

Cue me dying.

Anyway, after the concert a bunch of us waited around for him to come out and mingle. And he did. But we were all in the way of everything, and I said we should probably just go in the other room, just throwing my two cents in, maybe just voicing my thoughts outloud. Didn’t expect anyone to listen. So it totally caught me off guard when he turned to me and asked, “You think the other room would be better?” Um, whatever dude, you totally just made my brain stop by addressing me directly in a crowd of a bunch of people and being like half a foot away from me. So I just nod. My mouth failed me lol. I got lost in his eyes.

Oh, my little hetero-crush. So cute.

So eventually we all get into the other room, and Chris is literally backed up against a bar. Trapped. He deals with it fairly well though. There is no order to our chaos, no line to speak of. We’re all just crowded around him. There’s two people in front of me, and a million next to me. You know the looking thing? Yeah he did it again. He was talking to two other girls in front of me and just looks up at me, catches his eyes with mine, and just fucking smiles.

I swear my heart jumped out of my damn chest. Jesus.

Anyway, so I didn’t have to wait too long. Even though there was a million people all around me, and I wasn’t even directly in front of him, HE turned to ME and said hi, and held out his hand for my picture for him to sign.

I died. Again. This is the theme of this entire entry, obviously.

Now, everyone keep in mind… I’m drunk. When I’m drunk, I flirt. Also, everyone tells me I do this thing with my tongue when I smile that just makes me look like a slut, but in a good way, apparently. I noticed I was doing it with him, and tried to stop myself, but it really didn’t work.

Now before this, Nicole was like “Are you going to tell him who you are?” And honestly, that just makes me feel like I’m conceited or something, or trying to boost my own importance. It makes me feel awkward. But that was when I was sober. DRUNK Mary on the other hand felt the need for him to know exactly who I am, because I wanna feel the love lol.

So I start rambling all, “So I don’t know if you know who I am, I know a lot of people do on the show, but I…” then Nicole interrupts, and he’s laughing and smiles at me and says, “Just tell me.” And I said “Well I’m the girl that does that Leverage/Parker YouTube channel.” And he just LOOKS at me, like he’s finally putting something together, or he’s trying to remember something, or hell, I don’t know. But he looked at me in this way I can’t really describe, but it was a good way. Then he smirked and said, “Yeah I know who you are, mostly because Beth always talks about you.”

Me inside: OMG, BETH TALKS ABOUT ME?! SQUEE! OMG OMG OMG
Me outside: “Seriously?”

Anyway, he signs my picture with my name and everything, and then he gave me a hug and said “Thanks for all that you do for the show, man. We really appreciate it.”

Cue me dancing inside.

So then there was an interaction after that which I will NOT talk about, mainly because I don’t think he was supposed to answer my question, er, EXACTLY in the way that he did. Especially not with a million other people around. So just, for future reference, if that ever DOES get out, it’s not my fault. I really wish I woudn’t be blamed for everything.

Anyway, I left, and totally forgot to kiss him for my friend, forgot to tell him I’d go straight for him )yes those were things on my to do list). But I was overwhelmed, can you blame me? Next time maybe I won’t be so… OMGYOUR THESEXMYBRAINHASDIEDJUSTFUCKING…LOOKATMEWITHYOURPRETTYEYESPLZ.

Yes, that was my train of thought lol.

Oh yeah, afterwards, Nicole told me there was this crazy fan behind me that kept hating on me hard core. Like looking all jealous when he turned to me, and she’s all glaring, and Nicole said she swear she heard the girl growl.

SCARY! Lol

Anyway, I know I’m probably missing a bunch of shit but this is getting really long and I need to go the store to get cigarettes.

But in conclusion?

I want to fuck that man. Hardcore. With neck biting and hair pulling. Then after he can sing to me and all is right in the world. lol

Yeah, the end.