Scale Junkie

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 45, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:09:00 +0000

Welcome to another wonderful week! I hope everyone is having a good, no make that a GREAT week.

I just want to confirm that I will be going forward with the HYC in 2010. To keep my stress levels low. I'm debating a few tweaks, I'll keep you all posted.

WELCOME!

suck it up princess
http://princess-jeniffer.blogspot.com/

Gettin' Slim
http://girlgettinslim.wordpress.com/

A Single Step
http://asinglestepjourney.blogspot.com/

Love My Cacao
http://lovemycacao.wordpress.com/

Operation: LOSE IT!
http://operationloseit.blogspot.com/

little bits of joy

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:37:00 +0000

I'm happy to say that my body seems to be responding and healing. Gluten seems to be a big irritant for me and just limiting it has helped tremendously. I'm not back to 100% but I"m getting there. Slowly but surely. Overall I haven't felt like my normal cheerful self. I've felt down and dark. Being sick will do that to you. Gaining weight will do that to you. I'm the first person to tell others to get out there and live their lives but here I am wanting to hibernate for the winter.

I recently had a few pretty major disappointments. I had been planning a trip for the weekend of my birthday for MONTHS. Then Ken lost his job so I scaled back our trip plans but the plans were still there. Then the itching started. He started a new job the week of my birthday. Now don't get me wrong, I'm elated that he found a job and not just any old job, but a really good job that will hopefully be long term. In a few months we'll have medical insurance again and that worry will be lifted. We'll have income again and be able to replenish our savings. I'm trying not to itch and I'm seriously stressing about itching, about finances, about jobs, about medical insurance and so many other little things we take for granted. Another disappointment was not being able to take a class I really wanted to take that starts this week.

Its offered again in January and I tried to give myself reasons why waiting really is for the best. November and December are holiday season and I'd rather focus on those than my class. Being around others right now will increase my chances of getting the flu and I want to be healthy for the holiday season. Oh wait there is more, Ken added one..."it will give you two months to lose more weight"

Yeah that last one hurt a little bit, not because those were his words but because its what I've taught him over the years of our marriage. Everything for me has always been about waiting until I lose more weight. So I can fit in seats, so I can be stronger or whatever. So when he said that, I knew he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear, what I was already thinking but honestly, that thought hadn't crossed my mind for once...until he brought it up. But he's right. Thats just me being me. I already warned him that I wouldn't be accepting any holiday invitations for parties unless it was from close friends. I already told him that if anyone at his work was having a party he was welcomed to go without out me because right now I just can't bear the thought of meeting anyone new so why wouldn't he say something like that about my class where I'd be meeting new people?. So like a glass dropping from my hand and shattering across the floor into a million little pieces I watched the last bit of joy slip from my grasp with the reality of what I've done to myself.

He said I should write more, I should blog more because he noticed I hadn't been blogging much. I told him that I had nothing to say that anyone would want to read and he told me. Don't write for others, write for yourself. Once again...he's right. So today as he hums Christmas music in the background, I write for myself. I just let it flow and I write. And do you know what else? I'm not even going to proofread it. (gasp...horror) If there are typos...oh well. If there are grammatical errors...too bad. Today is not my day for perfection. Today is my day to really LET GO of the past and really let go of everything else that holds me back.

Honestly September and October are total blurs in my mind. I'm pretty sure that November and December will be more of the same. I'm in a dark hole right now, a self imposed cave where it feels safe. I don't want to face the outside world right now. I feel disfigured from this rash, my leg is beyond ugly to look at, redness remains around my neck. I'm still 20 pounds heavier than I was before the steroids..ok, maybe 15 pounds heavier but still.

Through it all, through the self imposed darkness, little sparks keep lighting up my life. An email from a friend. A happy tail wag and slobbery kiss from the dogs. I warm embrace from my husband. I hold tight to the little things because all of those little bits of joy add up and push away the darkness. They keep me going right now when I don't want to get out of bed. They keep me fighting for another day. Through it all, just a few tiny sparks of joy are all I need to know that there is a better way and I'm headed to a better place if only I take that first step. I'm strong. I know I'll survive. I know I'll come out of this dark place stronger and bettter than ever. But thats just me, I'm a survivor.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 44, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 00:12:00 +0000

Hi everyone! Welcome to week 44 HYC check in. First week of November, 2009, hard to believe there are less than 2 months left in 2009.

You can tell its getting later in the year, less people are focused on starting a healthy lifestyle because for the first time this year we have no new people to welcome. I plan on using the time left in the year to work on getting back some of what I've lost. What about you? Any end of the year goals or plans?

lately I

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 13:01:00 +0000

Lately I've been caught up in life
Lately I've been fighting an illness
Lately I haven't been blogging too much
Lately I haven't been focused on my health
Lately I haven't exercised
Lately I've had too many reasons why...

I can't even guarantee these words will make sense to any of you but here it goes.

So here it is, the last two months of the year and I look back at this past year (and the year before) and I see my weight is pretty much where its been for the past two years. One thing leads to another and here we are and here I am wishing things were different but they aren't. Yes thats my head talking but lately my body has been talking. Correction, my body has been screaming!

My body has said its had enough of my not taking care of it and its treated me to three months of itching hives that won't go away. Of course my doctor has graciously treated me to two rounds of steroids and told me that they don't have to cause weight gain, they only cause weight gain when you eat too much. Ok...thats not really fair to my doctor. He wanted me to take the steroids back in August when the problem first started. Had I taken them then, I might not be this bad today. I waited until it was unbearable. I waited until I reached the breaking point. And here I am.

Do you have any idea what its like to itch for three months? One area clears up only to have another flare up. You try every over the counter medication, you try what your doctor offers, you try home remedies, you become best friends with the woman at the health food store. Itching leads to not sleeping, not sleeping leads to physical and mental exhaustion. So then you take a pill to help the itch that also helps you sleep and you wake yourself up bloody from scratching in your sleep. The doctor gives you an antibiotic to clear up the infected itchy spots and what do you know...I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic. And then somewhere in there the depression sets in.

I haven't been blogging because I've been too busy itching...or trying not to itch. While I was itching I was comforting myself with comfort food, is it any wonder I gained 20 pounds? Was it the steroids...really? Or was it me stuffing my mouth with food to comfort myself? And wait just a minute, has that food really caused comfort or contributed to the problem? Sweating and exposure to humidity makes it worse, much worse so exercise has stopped. I've walked the dogs for at least a mile a day, almost every day for the past three years. So the one thing I was doing right for my immune system, daily exercise, has stopped. Oh sure I could turn the air conditioner down to 60 and workout, then quickly jump in the shower...and I have but my electricity bill is screaming too and that leads us back to the cause of stress. The cause of stress has been fixed, its been remedied and its actually worked out for the better but its not an instant switch for my body. My body is still rebelling.

Lessons learned. Oh yes I've learned several lessons. If I wait until my body is at that breaking point of unbearable before I do anything, its going to make things a whole lot worse. There are some things a pill can't fix. There are some things you have to fix from the inside out. I stopped and compared it to my weight. I can't let myself get to the point of no return. Comfort food isn't comforting to my body and its doing me no favors.

Hives are a response to many things: stress, food allergies, immune system deficiencies. So basically I had lots and lots of stress and I started eating foods I had previously eliminated from my diet and then I cry and wonder why I'm itching so much? My body is fighting back. My body is saying "fine, if you won't take care of me I'll make you itch until you pay attention" I'LL PAY ATTENTION!! But did it have to pick the year with the deadly H1N1 to rebel and weaken my defenses?I know, I know, you're in charge, no back talk.

I'm listening body! I'm finally listening. I'm feeding you good healthy foods and I'm starting right now, right at this minute, today. Oh I can't promise this resolve will last a minute past the first Thanksgiving temptation passes my nose and even if it does I have the whole December holiday season to make it through, but I'm going to make the best choices at each and every meal. I'm going to do my best and make the better decisions and maybe just maybe you'll let these ugly scars on my leg heal? If I fail, just make me itch and I'll get the message and get back on track again. Deal?

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 43, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 00:48:00 +0000

Hi everyone. As some of you know I had "blog issues" last week and unfortunately in my panic to fix the problem I posted a few test posts and when I deleted them I also deleted last weeks HYC check in, sorry! If you happened to stop by and found the 404 error, you can read all about why in my post below but enough of that, lets move on to this week and lets hope its wonderful!

WELCOME!

A Writer In A Wheelchair
http://writerinawheelchair.blogspot.com/

www.scalejunkie.com oh for a little www

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 16:41:00 +0000

Last week I posted the HYC post and everything was working just fine. Then I go and get sick and don't check on my blog for a few days, check my email to find that scalejunkie.com isn't working. Well I guess that was my birthday present from Google...wiping me from the face of the web!

404 PAGE NOT FOUND!!!

STRESS STRESS STRESS
PANIC PANIC PANIC
CRY CRY CRY

cry some more.....

the subdomains for the recipies, reviews and Sadie & Max were working but not my main blog page.

After accidentally deleting my last post ... sorry HYC gang, going to blogger help, someone suggested I publish back to blogspot and then republish as scalejunkie.com and when I did, lovely blogger gave me an error and said I couldn't be naked, I needed a www and holy crap do you realize my brain is about to explode at this point?? To think I was naked for the past two years and they never noticed. Other sites are naked, other sites don't need a www so why do I suddenly need a www?

Its like I've been wiped from the face of google.com

But I'm still here...until they decide my www dress isn't pretty enough for them anymore. Now if I can only get google to redirect my index from scalejunkie.com to www.scalejunkie.com

I feel so invisible maybe the blogosphere is trying to tell me something, haha.

UPDATE: Well the invisibility didn't last, apparently the redirect isn't as instant as this woman who lives in an instant society would like. I still can't believe they called me naked...

Finally an affordable higher capacity scale - and you could win one too!

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 15:16:00 +0000

For the past week I've been trying out the EatSmart Precision Premium Digital Bathroom Scale. Yes that means I've been jumping off and on the scale more often than usual but hey, it was for the sake of research ;-)

Because I earned the name Scale Junkie, the people at EatSmart thought I'd be the perfect person to try this out but they want one of my readers to try one too so they've generously offered to give one away to one of you. Read more...and enter to win by clicking here.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 41, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 23:50:00 +0000

I hope all of you are having a great week! Some parts of the country are having unseasonably cold weather and I've heard that penguins have been spotted ice skating on a few of your front lawns...that being said, we're having a HEAT WAVE here in Florida so if you're looking to escape the cold, Florida is the place to be. Someone please send some cooler weather my way please, I have soup recipes lined up and ready to try.

Do your eating habits change when the weather changes? Tell me all about it in the comments.

NOTE: I'm putting together a giveaway later in the week and you don't want to miss out so be sure to stop back and sign up to win!

WELCOME!

Finding Me
http://findingme34.blogspot.com/

Everyday Grace
http://every-day-grace.blogspot.com/

losing weight in the city
http://citygirllosingweight.blogspot.com/

did you happen to look at the rest of the label?

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 23:05:00 +0000

Him: I really like that new shampoo

Me: What new shampoo? I haven't bought new shampoo

Him: I found it under the bathroom sink, it has oatmeal in it, says its soothing

Me: it also says its for DOGS

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 40, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:09:00 +0000

Welcome to week 40 and welcome to October! I hope everyone is having a fabulous week.

WELCOME!

Getting To Goal
http://jbfblog.blogspot.com/

100 in 28
http://100in28.wordpress.com/

not that hot, the other hot

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:40:00 +0000

He came to bed last night after taking the dogs on a quick run around the block. We curled up for a goodnight cuddle and I could tell he had jogged part of the way because heat was just radiating from his body.

Me: WOW, you're so HOT
Him: Thank you sweetheart

The Goldilocks Mentality

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 12:44:00 +0000

Today is the first day of October and it finally feels like autumn outside. Living in Florida I know the cooler weather during this time of the year is fleeting but I still long for those first cool days when the humidity drops and the temperature outside drops to 79 degrees and I walk outside and feel "chilled" by the cool air. This morning its 63 degrees but I know the temperature will soon climb to the mid 80's so I want to take advantage of the morning while I can. I want to get out there and walk and breath the crisp air that makes me feel so alive and invigorated.

I immediately noticed that I wasn't the only one enjoying this cooler weather. Sadie and Max were like little springs, jumping and prancing down the sidewalk, thoroughly enjoying every step of the journey and even the cranky man down the block was somewhat pleasant for a change. Something feels different on the inside too. I can't quite put my finger on it but if you read my post yesterday about the darkness I guess I'd have to say that the first cool day of the season feels like the coming dawn. It feels like life is renewed again and that its a great time for a fresh start.

Oh sure that cool weather is faked all summer long. The inside of my home remains a consistent cool temperature but its those blasts of heat on the cool skin time after time as I run from my air conditioned home to my air conditioned car to the air conditioned store. Fake cool weather. From reading this you might say that I should just pack my bags and move somewhere cooler but you that really isn't going to work for me either because I'm just like Goldilocks. Remember her from our childhood story time? Like her, I'm quite particular: I don't like it too hot, I don't like it too cool, I like it just right. Unfortunately there is no where in the world that is just right all year long so I make the best of during the four to five brutal hot months so I can enjoy the majority of the year in weather I love feeling "just right".

I realized that my attitude towards dieting and life has been a lot like Goldilocks. I keep waiting for everything to be "just right" before I take action. I tell myself that I have to have things a certain way. I have to have the right foods, I have to have the right clothes to exercise, I need the right motivation to exercise, I need to cook a certain way, I need to feel a certain way, I need this to be like that and that to be like this and, and, and....and I realized that things can't always be a certain way and I'm full of excuses. We have to make the best of each day and there will be days when life is too hot and there will be days when life is too cold but there will also be "just right" days. The thing is, I need to do the work on the too hot and too cold days so that when I do get to a just right day I'm not SO hung up on my body image that I either don't recognize a just right day or I can't enjoy it. I'm learning to make the most of every day because if I wait for optimum conditions every single day there are very few days in a year that will meet all of my requirements. Enough of making excuses. Enough of waiting for just right. Every day has something good we can pull from it. Every day has moments of just right if we're willing to step outside of our comfort zones and recognize them.

kissing the darkness

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 13:46:00 +0000

Looking back over the past few years and my quest to find the root of my eating disorder I noticed a trend: I avoided the darkness. But darkness is inevitable. Just as the earth rotates away from the sun and brings darkness we know that without fail it will rotate around and bring the light. That makes the light inevitable too.

The darkness is something that many people are afraid of. Did you ever notice that very few horror movies take place in the daylight? The victims/survivors always have to make it until the sun comes up, somehow that light brings a sense of security and safety and you know everything will be just fine. But its not just the darkness we can see, there is a darkness that we can't see, a darkness we create within ourselves. I find this darkness to be far more terrifying because unlike the physical darkness, this darkness stays with us. The light doesn't just come, you have to learn to flip the switch and turn the light on.

When I'd encounter something unpleasant in my life my first instinct was to hide it, cover it up, bury it and deny its existence. I felt like no matter what it was, even if it was something out of my control, out of my hands I had to hide it or it would reflect badly on me. I learned that the darkness is where secrets are kept. If I could keep the darkness contained, somehow I'd protect myself from the pain.

As most of you know, I became an expert at burying the pain with food. I pushed everything into the darkness and never let the light shine in those corners of my soul. Little by little and bit by bit I've been exploring those dark areas and I've come to realize this has been one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Yes there is pain that I'd never wish on my worst enemy but there is also triumph because I've learned that the darkness doesn't have the power and control unless I give it the power and control.

I've realized that its okay to have darkness in my life but its better to have more light. The light brings the fun times and happy memories. Crisis, chaos, loss and torment bring the darkness but I know from experience that the world will keep spinning and the light will come and the darkness will fade away. Same holds true in my life and I'm opening the windows, turning on the lights and letting it shine. I've kissed the darkness and embraced it, I've realized that while it has its place in my world it doesn't have real power only imagined power and you know what? It just doesn't feel that scary anymore

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 39, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 23:19:00 +0000

Week 39...I honestly don't know where this year has gone. I can't believe its nearly October of 2009. Time to start kicking myself back in gear and make the most of the rest of the year. What are you plans for the rest of the year?

WELCOME!

Suck It Up Buttercup
http://suckitinbuttercup.blogspot.com/

the hectic eclectic girl
http://thehecticeclecticgirl.blogspot.com/

4 Losing It
http://4losing.blogspot.com/

Newbie Runner
http://newbierunner.wordpress.com/

Nutrition 101 Back to Basics
http://nutrition101backtobasics.blogspot.com/

Confessions of a binge eater

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 00:52:00 +0000

A few weeks ago I was at the mall and I ran into an old friend. We grabbed a cup of coffee and caught up on old times. Conversation was going great and lunch time was rapidly approaching. Then she said those words I dreaded hearing "its about noon, do you want to grab some lunch" and without missing a beat I said "sorry I can't, I have a doctors appointment at 1and I really need to get going soon" It was a lie. There was no doctors appointment.

I was in the binge eater control mode. This is where every meal is planned and I eat only certain foods and avoid the foods that are triggers for me. Restaurant foods are triggers for me. They often contain hidden sugars and fats that send me into craving overload later in the day. Yes I told my friend a lie but it was better than spinning out of control wasn't it? I convinced myself it was.

On the drive home my mind drifted back to a different time and place. When I was younger and I'd turn down lunch plans with friends because I had limited funds and if I enjoyed a nice lunch out with my friends, it would cut into my binge budget. No way would I let that happen. I needed my safety net. I always had to have an emergency $20 tucked in the back of my wallet for a binge.

So here I am in control mode, fighting off that urge to binge. My wallet doesn't have an emergency $20 tucked away and I go from day to day trying to stay in control, fighting back the beast, balancing on a tight-rope. I don't trust myself right now. I feel like I'm on the edge and fighting for my life. Fighting this beast one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 38, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 23:34:00 +0000

Hi everyone! I hope you're all having a great week. I haven't been posting much because I've had a stomach flu that just won't quit. Today I thought I was better and went out to do errands but I'm still not back to 100%, hopefully tomorrow.

The HYC continues to grow and I've added a Blog Roll number FOUR! Just a note check all four lists for your name before you email and say you aren't listed. I am planning on cleaning out the blog rolls this weekend and deleting blogs that haven't updated in a while.

This feels awkward but here goes...a few people have asked to contribute to my time making buttons/hosting costs over the past few years. For those people I've added a Donate button on the HYC main page and info page. The HYC is free so please don't feel like you need to donate. Any donations would be greatly appreciated and would go towards hosting and continuing to make the HYC a safe place for all of us to stay accountable but again, they aren't expected.

I'm currently taking suggestions for new buttons for the HYC 2010. If there is anything you'd like to see on a button/badge, please email me at scalejunkie at gmail dot com and let me know.

MOVED

My Bites has moved from http://charmaewl.wordpress.com/ to http://allmybites.wordpress.com/ please update your readers/bookmarks, etc.

WELCOME

The 391
http://391days.blogspot.com/

Weight Up
http://weightup.livejournal.com/

Sophie's tales of an ordinary life
http://sophie-sophsoph.blogspot.com/

Post Workout Refresher

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 13:20:00 +0000

I wish I would have thought to do this at the beginning of summer but I didn't so I'm sharing it with you now because even when its cooler it will still make a very refreshing drink.

8 cups of water
4 peppermint flavored tea bags

bring water to a boil, remove from heat, add tea bags and let seep for 10 to 20 minutes or to desired strength. Chill, serve over ice.

WOW the cold peppermint over ice makes such a refreshing drink! This is my new favorite.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 37, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 23:47:00 +0000

Hi everyone, welcome to another wonderful week! I'm really excited that the Biggest Loser is starting tomorrow, while I think the speed they lose weight is unrealistic for the rest of us, I do find it very inspiring and right now I can use all of the inspiration I can find. What about you? What inspires you to keep going?

WELCOME!

Bye Bye This Time
http://byebyethistime.blogspot.com/

Fit in 365 Days
http://www.fitin365days.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.

The rest of us can sign in below!

The other side

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 01:05:00 +0000

Why does food have such a powerful hold on me? Why do I willing chose sugary foods and highly processed foods over the healthy foods? What does it do for me that healthy food doesn’t do?

First of all I have to back up a minute to say that eating healthy and exercising is also like a drug to me. When I’m eating healthy and exercising it’s a manic high. I feel great, the world around me feels great and even when things are crappy they don’t seem so bad. That doesn’t sound like such a bad place to be does it? Except that I’m acutely aware of every nerve ending in my body. I feel everything. Its sensory overload. It feels good until it almost hurts.

Now take it to the other extreme. When I eat the highly processed foods that I love, fresh baked bread, cookies, cakes, etc, they make me feel so good for a few minutes, I soar as high as a kite and then I mellow out into this numb state of mind. A drugged and calm state of mind. Its as if nothing really matters and all of my pain has been subdued. It feels good for a while until the guilt of what I’ve done to my body kicks in.

If food were an illegal drug, I have no doubt I’d be locked up in prison. I would be serving a life sentence because they’d let me out on probation and I’d stay clean for a while but that lure is just too strong, I’d end up right back where I started unable to resist that lure.

Every single day is a struggle for me to stay clean. Every single day I try to find the perfect balance between what is legal for my body and what will send me over the edge. Like a junkie I just can’t have a little bit of certain foods. A little bit turns into more and more. Instead I walk a delicate tightrope. Its like one of those broke up old wooden bridges over a deep ravine where one wrong step and you plummet to the bottom of the pit. We see the hero and heroine in the movies try to cross the bridge to escape danger. They stumble and fall and pull themselves back to safety and make it across just in the nick of time. I’ve spent enough time on this bridge. I’ve spent my whole life somewhere on that bridge, most of the time paralyzed with fear and afraid to take another step.

I have struggled from a young age with this addiction. I have been fighting this beast within me for years. I will not let it win. I will make it to the other side.

making new memories

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 12:27:00 +0000

My Dad has been visiting my dreams for the past three weeks. In these dreams I'm always looking for something. Last night I dreamed of him again and he was trying to show me something in old photos. They were photos of him throughout his life, doing different things that I didn't really remember him ever doing. In one photo he was a pilot. In another photo he was a cowboy in a western movie standing next to a movie star. Each photo was more of the same. Memories of him doing things I don't think he ever did. All the while I'm looking for some hidden meaning in the frames and the shelves they sit on. I woke up and looked at some of the other dreams about my Dad and decided to pull out my childhood photos and take a look.

I found some of Dad when he was a younger man, some of my Mom when she was a young woman. I even found one of her, my Dad, sister and brother sitting under a tree with family friends. They all had such smiles on their faces and I knew immediately that photo was taken at the lake we visited often in my childhood. I was sad for a moment when I realized I wasn't in the picture and then I flipped it over and written on the back was July and the year I was born. I looked again and I could tell that Mom was wearing a maternity top and the photo was taken about three months before I was born.

In other photos I saw myself as a child and I was always smiling and I always looked happy. Then somewhere around the first grade school photos, the smiling stopped. I know why.

As I got older it was more of the same. The hair styles changed, I got acne on my face and grew chubbier and my face remained expressionless. Where was the happiness? Where was the joy? Aren't kids suppose to be happy? Aren't kids supposed to be carefree? Aren't kids supposed to smile? I even asked out loud at one point...why aren't you smiling. Inside I knew the answers.

I remember adults would always comment at how mature I was for my age. How responsible I was. How I carried myself as an adult. Of course I was mature in many ways. The child was replaced with someone who had to keep the secrets of an adult. The child was gone.

About half way through the photos I realized that I've carried that sadness with me over a lifetime. I've broken free of it occasionally but in crisis, in times of boredom, I revert to it like a security blanket. I let it wash over me, I let it define me. I carry the darkness but I know I prefer the light.

And so now my mind wanders back to that dream and I wonder if my Dad was showing me things in those photos that he didn't do in his lifetime and encouraging me to start living. Encouraging me to make new memories. Telling me that there is still time if I act now. Yesterday I looked through old photos. Today I live my life and enjoy every precious second. I know there will always be moments of darkness but I don't need to push the dark times away with food anymore.

Ken is always telling me to relax, chill, have fun...So here I am, trying to step out into the world and smile again. Here I am, trying to make the most of what I have right now.I'm going to create so many new happy memories that dance in my head and play in those moments of boredom. So many happy memories that the miserable are drowned by the happiness and joy.

you mean you don't all know each other

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:02:00 +0000

When I lived in the UK people would be fascinated by my American accent and when they found out I was from Florida they would want to tell me all about their cousin, neighbor, sister etc. who lived in Florida and then wanted to know if I knew them.Not once did I know their friend or relative. No surprise since there are over 18 million people living in the state of Florida. Ken would always get a chuckle out of it and I always did my best to humor them and give them good tips for places to see on their upcoming holiday.

We are frequently stopped by people who want to tell Ken they love his accent and their ancestors were from England but after 7 years it was finally Ken's turn to hear that "do you know..." question. A young boy who was about 8 or 9 years old heard Ken talk and mistook his English accent for an Australian accent.

Boy to Ken: You sound like the Crocodile Hunter?

Ken (incredulous) Nooo, I don't sound a thing like him, he was from Australia and I'm from England

Boy: you still sound like him

Ken, ever the polite one, just laughed and smiled

Boy (disappointed): so I guess that means you didn't know him

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 36, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 23:10:00 +0000

Hi everyone! For those of you in the US and Canada did your diet survive the Labor/Labour Day weekend? We had BBQ on Sunday and Monday but I tried to keep it on the healthier side but I did indulge and I'm feeling the bulge...that being said I'm ready for the big push through to the end of the year. 16 more weeks to accomplish more of our goals! What are you goals for the last quarter of the year?

MOVED!

Girl Stuck In A Rut is now back at her old blog http://girlstuckinarut.blogspot.com

WELCOME!

Getting it Together
http://gettingittogetheriniowa.blogspot.com/

Losing Myself, One Pound at a Time!
http://luzingmyself.blogspot.com/

the diva weigh
http://divaweigh.blogspot.com/

Christiann's Journey
http://christiann-elizabeth.blogspot.com/

365 Days to a new me!
http://dawneandgreg.blogspot.com/

April's Weight Loss Journey
http://april03-april.blogspot.com/

Living With Intention
http://dwlivingwithintention.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.

The rest of us can sign in below!

hello scale, remember me?

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 12:17:00 +0000

At the beginning of August I made a comment to Ken that I was going to stay off the scale for a month and he did me the favor of hiding my scale. I didn't expect him to even hear what I what I said because he was watching the SyFy Channel, (yes, I knew them when they were the SciFi channel) and I never expect him to actually hear what I'm saying when its on, but he did. Not only did he hear me, he retained it and remembered it the next day...shocking considering I was certain that channel was brainwashing him and turning him into a....never mind, this post is about me and my weigh in, not about his little addiction to a TV channel.

Anyhow, after a very rough month filled with all sorts of ups and downs, I made it through and when I stepped on the scale I didn't see the number I was hoping for at the beginning of the month. I did see a decent number, the lowest weight I've been so far this year and a weight I saw for about ten seconds last year so I'll take it. The last time I weighed in I reported I was down 60 pounds. I'm now down 69 pounds. YAY!

My next big goal is to hit the 75 pounds lost and of course the 100 pounds lost, they are both milestones for different reasons. 75 pounds lost will put me at the lowest I've been since I got married, 100 pounds lost will put me at a weight I haven't seen in over 10 years. Beyond that it will be weights I haven't seen in 15 years. Weighing in every month is just too long to wait when I'm in weight loss mode. I'm not going to let the scale control me the way it once did but I'm going to use it as the tool that it is: one measure of progress in the big scheme of things. So how does every two weeks sound? I'm about to head into new territories and on new adventures and I want all of you along for the ride! This is about to get interesting.

Healthy You Challenge Check In Week 35, 2009

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 00:37:00 +0000

Another week, another chance to meet your goals! Today we start the last 1/4 of 2009, lets make the most of it!

WELCOME!

Kat's FitMindBodySpirit
http://fitmindbodyspirit.blogspot.com/

Eat, Shrink & Be Merry!
http://tosstheflab.blogspot.com/

Katie J is on her way
http://katiejweightlossjourney.blogspot.com/

The Struggle Within
http://chibijeebs.blogspot.com/

If you'd like to join the HYC please read about it HERE and then email me at healthyyouchallenge at gmail dot com with your blog name and blog URL.

learning to feel those hard emotions

scalejunkie@gmail.com (Scale Junkie) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 01:42:00 +0000

Tonight I watched Ruby. Can I just tell you how much I love this show? I'm right there neck and neck with her on the pounds and I'm seeing so much of myself in Ruby. Last week touched off on food addiction, a topic never far from my mind and this week Ruby got to speak to a specialist who overcame food addiction. She told Ruby that it never goes away, you just learn to keep it under control. I can relate so much to Ruby. Her sweet baby dog Lucy was dying and Ruby just wanted to eat to feel that void. She felt hungry, she felt starving even though she wasn't. It was that beast that lives inside of the food addicts wanting to be fed. If we feed it, the pain goes away. If we let it cry, we have to face our emotions. I know that emotional emptiness so well. The food addiction specialist said that we eat instead of feeling the emotion and I had to sit with that statement for a few minutes because learning to feel is something I'm working on.

Lately I've been overwhelmed by emotions. I don't blog too much about my personal life and I know some of you are saying what the heck is she talking about, all she does is talk about her personal life and yes thats true to an extent but not true at the same time. I keep so much bottled up inside. I always have. I push emotions down with food instead of feeling them. Right now, I have a lot going on. Some of you have picked up on that because my once daily blogging has become sporadic but I'm doing the best I can do. I feel like I have so much I want to say and when I sit down to type, nothing comes out. Or I won't let anything out because I'm afraid it will be the wrong thing.

When I was 7 or 8 I learned to do something that has stayed with me throughout my life. When I'm faced with a situation, I think of every possible outcome, good, bad, ugly, impossible. They process through my mind quite quickly but never the less, I let myself go there for a split second. So when the outcome came, if I didn't like what I saw I stepped around the emotion instead of feeling it but it never caught me off guard. Occasionally something happens that I never saw coming but for the most part, I feel these emotions every day for every situation. What is the best case scenario, what is the worst case scenario. My mind never stops, my mind is never silent. Its constantly thinking about all of the what ifs. Even if I'm not prepared for it I had learned to put up such a strong wall that when the worst happened, I'd be able to function for days or weeks before finally breaking down in private. There are still a few things that go way back that I just haven't been able to get over so I keep up that wall. No one got in, no one saw beyond the wall. There was a door but the only handle was on the inside and I very rarely used it.

I'm learning to handle emotions without food for the most part but I know I still need work. I feel lost, I feel so restless. I know its because I can't feel the emotions. I honestly don't know what will happen when I start feeling. I don't know what will happen. I keep waiitng for the rug to get ripped out from under me again because its happened so many times already. I think to myself, what if I don't like that Diana who knows how to feel those emotions? What if I don't like feeling those feelings. I remember some of that terrible hurt, I don't want to feel that again. I remember keeping secrets. I don't want to feel that again.

I've realized I'm good at faking my emotions. When it comes to others I feel but when it comes to myself, I fake. I can fake that I'm happy, I can fake that I'm sad, but only when there are others around who expect me to feel that way. I remember once at my old job my boss stabbed me in the back and I was a blank slate. People kept saying why aren't you angry. I never had an answer for them. I just got angry or what I thought angry should look like and then I went home and stuffed those feelings back in their little box with a carton of ice cream and a pizza.

You know I've never had any trouble at all feeling for other people so why can't I feel for myself? I know how to love my husband, my friends and even my dogs, but I struggle with loving myself. I struggle to understand why anyone or how anyone could love me. I know how to feel sorry for myself, I throw one hell of a pity party but those other emotions...there are so many other other emotions they just don't seem to have a place in my world. I wonder if they ever will.