Meanwhile it’s been forever since I’ve been able to watch my other favorite show, Project Runway.  Come on Heidi.  Let’s get going already.  How hard can it be to find a dozen designers?  I know at least 500 right here in L.A.

And we all knew that Modern would be renewed so that’s not that exciting, but still good news nonetheless.  And TV people?  If you’re reading this?  More Nathan Fillion.  We moms need him in at least 3 shows running simultaneously all-year-long.  Nathan Fillion as Castle.  Nathan Fillion as Rook.  Nathan Fillion as Bishop.  I’m down for adding some more shows into my current roster.

But for the record, erotica has existed before Fifty.  In fact, I’d wager a guess that for all the hieroglyphics of men with coyote heads, there are just as many stick figures with whips, chains, and naughty French maid outfits.  Anaïs Nin of course is one of the most famous modern erotica writers, but Anne Rice is right up there with her in the volume department.  Books like Belinda, Exit to Eden, and the infamous Sleeping Beauty trilogy are sure to shock even the most blasé of readers.  (Belinda and Eden were written under the name Anne Rampling, The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty’s Punishment, and Beauty’s Release under the name A.N. Roquelaure)

On Wikipedia, the source of all things legit, the list of BDSM reading is long and spiky.  BDSM, by the way, stands for bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism.  Don’t feel bad if you didn’t know – I had to look it up too.  For those of us who live boringly vanilla lives, fetishism is about as prevalent in our daily grind as macrophilia (fantasizing about sexy time with giants), mechanophilia (same thing except with cars) or spectrophilia (this time, with ghosts).  Yeah, I did some research…there are some odd and truly impractical cravings out there.  Sorry lads, but the jolly green giant is going to be a tough one to locate.

In my twenties I went to a bondage/fetish club in Los Angeles purely by accident.  Long story, but needless to say I fit right in.  I think I was wearing seersucker that night, which amongst all the black rubber, stood out as brightly as a pale pink sweater set.  I saw people tied to walls, gorgeous victims being gently whipped, and enthusiastic folks doing all sorts of “naughty” behavior.  Sadly, it wasn’t that erotic to me…just interesting and curious, like going to the circus or visiting an IHOP in the middle of the night.  Point being, I enjoyed reading Fifty, but I’m ready for the next phenomenon.  Maybe J.K Rowling can take up the torch.  I’d be very interested to read what goes on behind closed doors at Hogwarts.

In reading more about what Skid Row is (and I assume it got its moniker after prison’s skid row from which no one returns) I stumbled upon this five-part series.  Each short is only a few minutes long, but documents an interesting glimpse into the infamous quagmire of drugs and hopelessness.  Sadly, I can only attach them as links due to the WordPress system, but if you take the time, I think you’ll appreciate the education.

On Skid Row: Introduction – Part One

On Skid Row: Kids – Part Two

On Skid Row: Drugs – Part Three

On Skid Row: God – Part Four

On Skid Row: Afterword – Part Five

At first, I was sure this was just another of his convoluted spy shows.  I had no idea what was going on in episode 1 (the show and my brain-dead state are probably both to blame) and the whole 1950′s era/Mad Men thing just didn’t do it for me.  But for some reason I sat there and before I could count how many packs of cigarettes each character smoked in an hour, I was hooked.  Episode after episode (okay all 6 of them) were devoured as I raced to see who dunnit.

For those of you who like a little cerebral espionage with your conspiracy ice cream, I strongly recommend The Hour for your consideration.  It’s BBC-tastic.

1. nap at red lights – it’s perfectly safe because A) you can put your car in park and B) someone will always start honking to let you know that naptime is over.
2. nap at mealtimes – again very handy because A) someone will throw something at you if you’re needed and B) the sound of slurping and chewing is actually quite soothing in a rainforest kind of way.
3. nap during phone conversations –  no one will know.  People love to talk about themselves.  One well-placed question such as “How are things going?” and they’ll be off and running.
4. nap while showering - a guaranteed few minutes of rest.  Skip the soap and shampoo.  Use the time instead to curl up on the bathroom floor and nap.  (this one might require a timer)
5. and last, but not least, nap during all extracurricular activities – this includes doctor visits, grocery shopping, and visits to the restroom during meetings.  Like I said before, nap on demand.  If you’re not catching a few zzz’s while in line to buy milk and eggs, you’re not using your time wisely.

I’ve tried Babiators…too big, but cute at least.

I’ve tried Baby Banz…so ugly.  They’re like police officer meets bike rider glasses.

And then a million other brands…which all seem to have one problem or another.  No UVA and UVB protection (which is the whole point), the arms come off, the lenses pop out, the nose rubs, etc etc.

I even went online to Baby Gucci, which for the bargain price of $140 has extremely attractive selections, but they’re all for big kids, not toddlers.  I did however, find clothes like THIS and THIS, which are beyond cute and only $300.  $300 for something my little one will be able to wear for 1 maybe 2 weeks before she grows into the next size…seems like a bargain to me.

Meanwhile, I continue to search for sunglasses so my blue-eyed bambina will stop covering her face with her arm like some sort of paparazzi-hounded actress.

Zoobug, please come sell your wares to the colonies!

I continue to shop for an SUV that fits 6 comfortably, has good gas mileage, and comes with a back-up camera.  It’s harder than you think!  The Infiniti Q-something seems like our most perfect match, but the sticker price is shocking.  Lexus has a GX that also fits the bill except for the gas mileage part.  And Ford’s new Explorer is pretty good if not for the poor reliability.  See what I mean?  It’s tough pickings.  I thought the Highlander would fit my needs, but in terms of space I need more, more, more.  Same goes for the Acura MDX, the BMW x5, and the Lexus RX.

Happily, the search for the perfect stroller has come to an end…kind of.  We purchased a Chariot Cougar for 2.  It allows you (me) to run, walk, bike, hike, and cross-country ski with the little ones.  Not that I do cross-country skiing, but I could.  I also purchased a Joovy Ultralight Caboose, but am returning it.  That sucker corners like it’s a run-away shopping cart.  My daughter loved it in all of it’s drunk-driving weeeee! glory.  I on other hand, couldn’t deal.  So we’re sticking with our fleet as is: 1 Bob, 1 UppaBaby, 1 Snap-n-Go, 1 Cougar.  Seems like a good medley for the time being.  (and no, those are not my kids…I highjacked above photo from the web)

And finally, I am still on the hunt for those god$@&* barstools.  Y Living is a great stool website and when I win the lottery I am totally buying a $2000 barstool.  In the interim however, all I want is a simple swivel barstool with no arms and no fabric.  Picture vintage industrial meets apothecary chic.  I need to design something – I’d make millions and then I could buy the $2000 ones.

Despite having spent the entire day indoors, I am no better for the “rest.”  I need to get out and run, dance, skip to my loo my darling.  Sadly, I have no idea how I’m going to manage any of those things when I’m still in my pajamas at 5:45pm on a Thursday.  I know, I know…patience.  But this newborn stage is exhausting.  He doesn’t like to be swaddled, wrapped, worn, pacified (with a pacifier) or any other form of “emulating the womb” that most babies like.  Nope, my child likes to eat and then sleep in my bed curled up next to me.  It’s a phase right?  It’s gotta be a phase.

Thankfully, I have just finished my first installment of the salacious Fifty Shades of Grey and it was everything I hoped it to be.  In fact, I can’t wait to get my hands on book 2 and 3 to see how this torrid romance ends up.  Nothing like distracting oneself from nursing a baby 24/7 like a little BDSM.  See?  I’m even dropping the lingo.  Although I must say, it feels wrong to be feeding a baby and reading erotica at the same time.  Oh well.  If you don’t tell, I won’t.

And speaking of lingo, there’s a new phrase out there – throwing shade – as in making disparaging remarks, showing disrespect, and giving insult.  If I “throw shade” at you, it means I speak ill of you.  I’ve looked it up online and can’t find a reliable source as to where it comes from, but I like it.  Seems that while I’ve been cocooned in my bubble, new terminology is popping up left and right.

That’s all for now except that our household now has 5 strollers for 2 children.  5 strollers.  2 carseats.  1 highchair.  And 0 Hermes bags.  When did this happen to me?

Baby #2 (weighing in at a whopping 10lbs 5oz) was like a hurricane that blew into our lives wreaking havoc and destruction and a sense of, ‘Oh crap, what have we gotten ourselves into?”  But as days and nights roll over us and then into one another, and time passes, and his sweet little personality emerges, I’m kind of digging it.  Granted, I’ve got my mom here so when she leaves I’m up a tree with no paddle…

But I definitely heard a pop just the other day.  A sign that life is starting to regain a new sense of normalcy.  Not that it will last or that the hurricane of chaos has gone far, but so far, so good.  I think.  I hope.  Oh man, tell me this is not just sleep deprivation.

So in an attempt to embrace my destiny, to figure that everything is working out the way it’s supposed to, I have made my husband promise me a few simple things:

1. if I have to get a C-section, he must order up a tummy tuck for the same time
2. and no recuperating at the hospital – I want to be either home, at the Plaza or in France
3. for every stitch and every tear, my dear darling husband must beat himself in the head with a rutabaga
4. I have the right to be grumpy, demanding, and capricious from now until the day after Mother’s Day
5. and speaking of Mother’s Day…nobody ever said no to jewelry <hint hint>

I think these requests are fair.  I’m the one who’s having a 9-10 pound baby tomorrow.  Oh I didn’t mention that?  Yes, my midwife estimated Rocko’s size as between 9.5 and 10lbs as of this past Monday.  Not that she couldn’t be totally off, but if she’s right…bring out that rutabaga.